#I HAVNT EVEN READ IN BED YET

[raspberryzingaaa]

Nightshift be like: *wrecks your quality of life* *wrecks your quality of life* *wrecks your quality of life* *wr-

[ameliaenya404]

Love letters

Contains - mention of earthquake. Hawks x reader. Gn!reader. Fluff and light angst.

Love letters were something you never thought about. You easily forgot they existed in your singleness. And it continued well into your relationship with hawks.

You just simply forgot they were a thing, until he started sending you them whenever he was away on missions. Wether in the form of a long paragraph text or a real peice of paper mailed to your apartment, he sunk his soul and heart into every word for you.

You honestly couldn't express how much they helped when he was away for long periods of time, how often you read them over and over again in the middle of the night crying because you missed him.

The space in the bed next to you was empty and the letters did something to fill that empty spot with warmth.

You kept them in the drawer of the nightstand next to your shared bed. You took screenshots of all the texts he sent you about how much he missed you and had them saved in a folder on your phone to look back at whenever you needed him most.

Hawks had been gone for days now, sent off to an emergency site where an earthquake had destroyed. You could only imagine how bad it was down there and how worn he was going to be when he came home. He somehow still found time to send you a letter, even though every time you watched the news there were no updates other than the casualty number going up with each body found in the wreakage.

You hadn't opened the letter yet, but just as you snuggled beneath the covers and got ready to flick off the bedside lamp your hand hesitated, hovering before taking the sealed letter off the nightstand and placing it in your lap as you looked down at it.

You made quick work of ripping open the envelope, although careful not to tear the paper it held inside. You pulled out the peice of paper that was folded in half, and unfolded it to its full length.

The handwriting was messy and rushed but legible. All the I's were dotted with scribble hearts and the y's were cursive although none of the other letters were. It held personality.

His signature at the end was the same as it was in all the letters although it was far different than the signature he used for autographs. It was special just for you.

"Sorry for the messy look, I'm in a but off a rush down here. It's a mess, I'm glad your safe at home. I can't wait to get home and see you baby. I can't wait to get some proper rest with you. I hope your sleeping well. I hope you aren't worrying yourself, I know you tend to stress yourself out but I promise I'll come home to you, I always will. Have you been holding up well? Did that TV show you've been watching come out with any new episodes? I hope you've been keeping yourself busy. When i get back I want to take you out. To get you new clothes and maybe some new kitchenware, I got a sneak at the things you circled on those home magazines before I left. You can pick out whatever cute stuff you desire my love. I want to take you to a new restaurant when I get back too, I know a new place opened up not to far from the agency last month. I hear they have good chicken, we can go check it out together, yeah? I havnt been able to sleep without you. Or at all. They have me spread pretty thin between lifiting up all the heavy debris with my feathers for rescues and dealing with the aftershockes of the earthquake. It's pretty bad down here but I should be home soon enough and the minute I walk through the door I'm going to be all over you. I miss the smell of your body wash, it smells like mud down here from all the rain. I miss kissing you so much. I miss you baby but I'll be home soon. I promise. Stay warm, the weather's getting colder.

Take care of our nest and I'll see you soon dove - Hawks"

Tears spilled down your cheeks without you even noticing. You knew how stressed he was, he probably wanted to pluck so bad. It hurt your heart but his constant reassurance he'd be back helped. Because he was right, he always came back to you.

You folded the letter carefully and tucked it beneath your pillow. Glancing at the empty side of the bed and yearning. You huddled up in the blankets and shut your eyes.

"I'll take care of our 'nest', don't worry" you whisper to yourself, although it's really him you're speaking to.

[rosebudfics]

Y/N's last night

Y/N is terribly ill and this is their last night, Brandon (or Severus) is deeply shaken but remains by their side that night

Colonel Brandon x ill female! reader

warnings: death, mention of death, coughing up blood, ANGST ANGST ANGST, the illness isnt contagious, the death isnt really realistic, kinda short sorry lol

A/N: OMG MY HEARTTT CANT TAKE THIS ITS SO SAD 😭 i decided to go with colonel brandon because i havnt written for him yet!! However if anyone wants me to, I can also write a severus version!

Colonel Brandon was waiting outside of your bedroom, his hair and clothes dishevelled as he heard the doctors talking. He was breathing heavily, shaking slightly. He couldn't lose you, not like this...

One of the doctors walked out of the bedroom, turning to Brandon with a sorrowful face. "Colonel, I'm sorry to be the bearer of such horrible news, but... miss y/n won't be with us for much longer. This sickness.. It's much worse than we ever anticipated,"

Brandon felt sick himself as he stared at the doctor. "Surely there's something you can do. T-There must be something--anything!" He had stepped closer to the doctor.

The doctor just looked at him sadly. "We've already done everything we can. Doing anything more will cause her more pain... she only has a few hours to live, maybe a day if we're lucky although it's not likely,"

Brandon took a deep breath, turning around as tears stung his eyes. He let out a sob, leaning onto the wall for support as his knees began to buckle.

"Colonel, you must sit down-" The doctor placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Does she know?" Brandon asked, not looking up at him.

"... yes, we already informed her."

The colonel squeezed his eyes shut as the pain in his chest increased. How could this be happening?

"Can I see her?" He asked, not realising how quiet his voice was.

"Of course.." The doctor took his hand off his shoulder. "Again colonel, I am... terribly sorry. I wish there was more we could do." And with that, the doctor left.

Brandon took a moment before straightening himself, and walking into your bedroom. He let out a soft sob when he saw you on the bed, how pale and skinny and clammy you were. When you heard him, you weakly lifted your head to him.

"C-christopher-" You tried saying his name before going in a fit of violent gasps for air. You grabbed the handkerchief beside you and coughed into it, pulling it back to look at the blood you hacked up.

Brandon rushes over to your side, getting on his knees beside the bed and starts to push any strands of hair out of your damp face. He tried keeping it together but he could not stop the silent tears that started to run down his face.

You looked over to him and frowned when you saw him crying. "Honey, please don't cry..." You reached your hand over shakily as you caressed his face, wiping away the tears that wouldn't stop. He took the hand on his face in his own as he stroked your knuckles.

"I don't want to lose you... p-please," he let out a sob, leaning into your palm. You smiled sadly as a tear of your own came rolling down your face.

"Christopher, I won't be leaving you okay? I'll be here, always here.." You run your hand down his cheek, down his neck to over his heart. His heart clenched, squeezing his eyes shut as more tears streamed down his face. "Come lay with me... I would rather pass in your arms than be cold," You let out a weak laugh, attempting to shuffle over so he had room, but he quickly stood up and helped you.

Brandon shuffled as close to you as he could, as he looked down at you and caressed your face. "Even in your last moments, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes upon."

You let out a soft but weak chuckle, coughing a bit. Once you were done coughing you looked back up at him. "And you are the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes upon.... Christopher?"

"Yes?" He asked, his voice slightly cracking and shaky.

"Can you... read to me?" You asked quietly, resting your head back on the pillow as you breathed heavily, already tired from moving.

"Of course, my love... " He shifted slightly, grabbing a book from the bedside table full of famous poems. Brandon settled back down beside you, before reading out,

"Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind For, from the nunnery Of thy chaste breast, and quiet mind, To war and arms I fly. True, a new mistress now I chase, The first foe in the field; And with a stronger faith – embrace A sword, a horse, a shield. Yet this unconstancy is such As you too shall adore; For, I could not love thee, Dear, so much, Loved I not honour more."

You smiled softly, cuddling more close to him. You both stayed like that for a long while, him reading to you as you cuddled him. You were starting to feel more exhausted by the minute, but you were still comfortable. You knew your time was coming to an end.

"Christopher," You interrupted him, your voice raspy.

"Yes, love?"

"...I love you,"

His heart broke as he realised what was happening. Brandon took a deep, shaky breath before replying. "I love you more, darling.."

You leaned up, closing your eyes, then pressing a shaky kiss to his lips. He kissed back, a tear rolling down his face. With that, you fell limp in his arms as he held you. He was quiet for a moment as he looked down at your frail, lifeless body, before letting out a wail in despair.

You were gone.

You were really gone.

[hand-writxen]

Bruises

TW// Mentions of abuse and bullying.

The beeping of your phone jolts you out of your sleep, you struggle for a moment as the phone vanishes into your sheets. After a few moments of getting tangled in the sheets, you are able to snag your phone and pick it up.

“Hello?” you ask, your voice raspy with sleep. Theres soft sniffles and a hiccup on the other line that causes you to pull the phone away and check the contact name which read ‘Bunny’. “Leo? Are you there?” The hiccups freeze a moment before shuffling sounds and the line gets clearer.

“Oh gosh- Y/N, im so sorry I thought I hung up. Please dont worry about it.” His voice was raspy and cracked with tears, the sound of wind and rain splattlatering in the background could clearly be heard. Your head rises as you glace out the window taking in the sight of rain and thunder.

“Leopold Stotch, Are you outside right now?” You quickly get up and start to pull on a hoodie and some sweats overtop your sleep wear and pick your way across your room to your boots, silence on the other end of the phone being the response to your question. Knowing the blonde wont answer you quickly struggle your boots on and race out of your room and out the door, your brain running a mile a minute as you slip through puddles and ice. “Leo you gotta tell me please?” The sniffling finally settles a bit as he takes a breath.

“M..My Lair.” His voice is soft but still full of pain and tears. You utter a soft farewell and push yourself to run faster as you put your phone in your pocket. Turning the corner past Kyle’s house the U-Store it facility looms ahead as you quickly prepare yourself to scale the fence like you had as a kid, Quickly throwing yourself at the fence you scrabble for a hold on the wet metal as you struggle abit to hull yourself over. Once you get over the top you let yourself jump and roll before quickly jogging off into the maze of buildings. 

The pace of your jog lead you quickly to the storage locker you knew as ‘Professor Chaos’ base’. You knock softly before pulling open the side door of the storage locker. 

“You know Leo, I still find it funny you’ve had this storage locker for 9 years and they havnt once questioned the fact you all but moved in here.” You say as you scan the cozy set up of the locker, Leo had hung string lights and set it up like a studio apartment minus the bathroom. The tall blonde laughed a little, looking over at you, the smile wiped off your face quickly upon seeing the bruise shining on his cheek. Without another moment you quickly rush over and take his face into your hands and softly rub your thumb across the black and blue skin causing him to flinch and whimper. 

“Y/N, that hurts..” his voice is a croaky whine as you withdraw your hands away from his face with a muffled apology, taking the spot next to him on the bed. 

“Leo, hon.. You need to tell someone, you cant just keep hiding the fact that Steven hurts you. I can only hold back so long.” your voice is hard but soothing as you take in his face, scanning for other injuries on his soft pale skin, the scar over his left eye standing out against the dark color of the bruises causes anger to flare up in the pit of your stomach. “Im willing to add another assult to my record to protect you, you know this.” This sentence caused a small giggle and grin to brake out on his lips as you lean back against his arm. 

“I dont know why, what even am I to you? A friend? A sibling? You’ve been following me around since elementary school yet you’ve never once stated what we are, You just get into fights on my account.” He says, his face pulled into a frown. You look up at him before shifting into his line of sight and settling on your knees. 

“You really want me to put into words and actions what you mean to me?” Your eyes are serious but your voice soft. At the nod of his head you lean in quickly and kiss him, The poor soft hearted boy went rigid never having been kissed before. You pull back from him as a small smile graces your lips. “I-I know you might not feel the same but i just had to-.” your words are stolen from you as Leo takes the initiative to kiss you this time, his hands grabbing your hips to drag you into his lap. Your hands quickly find place against his neck, gently cradling his head before you two separate, softly panting with grins. 

“I love you Y/N, Ever since we where kids. I just didnt think you’d want a scrawny screw up as a partner.” His words where as shy as the look on his face, melting your heart in an instant. 

“Leopold, I fell for you the moment you smiled at me on the playground. Thats why I’ve been by your side this whole time.” you could hardly get the words out before Leo was squeezing the air out of your lungs in a tight hug. The two of you laughed and lays next to one another on the bed, looking at the glow in the dark stars you both put on the ceiling. 

“I think I could stand up to my dad if you where there with me.” His whispers as if to not brake the spell over the moment. You grin and slide your hand into his as you laugh softly. 

“I’ve always got your back Leo, and I’ll back you up no matter what.” Your voice was just as soft as your laugh as the two of you share another gentle kiss.

[thelightsmiles]

wedesday morning

he's still asleep. i wasnt gonna get up yet. i was gonna sleep in on my weekend, like i always tell myself im gonna do bc i hate getting up early. its only 8am, and im glad im not waking up at 10 or something. i couldnt get his keyboard to work. he has this whole setup now, and i love it bc im totally gonna write more. im totally gonna make more art now.

we got a desk for the room. it reminds me of my old desk, at the house with all the memories. that was my little studio. i have so many memories in that desk. so many dark moments, too. but i like to look back at those years, i love to imagine myself back there, but i cant. its like i know i cant go back, but i just wish there was some way i could grasp it just enough to get those emotions i used to feel, to somehow be that person again for just a half of a second.

id like to think id be satisfied with half a second, but id probably hold on too tight if i found a way to do that, and never let go.

i had this little square of wood. im not sure what youd call it, what i used it for. it was my special block though, and i miss it. i miss how i used to create. so genuine and so easily. not always, but i let myself back then. i havnt let myself create like that in years.

its kinda funny, when i was 14 or 15 i would write these stories about how one day i got out of there, i escaped that stupid little town, i left and i never looked back, i created the life i wanted. in most of them, though, i just met someone and they saved me. they took me far away and i loved them forever. in most of them, if im being honest, tj came back.

he came back just like i fantasized about every night for months and then years. i dont remember when i fell out of love with him. it was longer than a year. i waited all that year, knowing he was gone but i couldnt handle it. i think i sent him an email once, and he probably didnt even log into his account, its probably sitting in there still.

id look at these pictures i had of him, and id think about how i could see us together in the future. i always thought about how hed be such an amazing dad. i wrote so many letters to him, i never sent them. i couldnt even give him that note id worked so hard on the day he left.

it took a really really long time for me to heal from that boy. and now that i dont idolize him, i cant imagine ever falling for someone that way again. i dont know how i could have, i didnt even know him. i think he was just the only boy whod ever given me some sort of hope that i wasnt unlikable.

so i did need that. i needed to learn all those lessons that taught me. i needed all those moments from that time period that ill never be able to remember.

all i know is i miss my childhood so much it hurts. id give almost anything to go back, and im not supposed to say that, bc i thought id let go of it ages ago, for the last time. i thought id accepted it was over and decided to finally live for that girl i used to be.

its kinda funny how all the little parts of our lives flow together so nicely when you look back, despite how incredibly different we were, how differnt the times were.

im still not sure when my depression was at its worst. there was one fall-summer that i wasnt there. i didnt exist. i dont remember myself.

id wake up at like 5pm and go out, id walk to the library and grab a random book, id go take my walk and sit by the water or stand on the bridge looking out at it. it was always so cold, but i dont remember being cold. i just remember the street lights, the snow, the music, the pain.

id get home and start reading, and then it would be 6am and id have finished that book, and i went to bed and cried myself to sleep, and then it would happen all over again.

[maximoff56]

I'll do anything for you

Summary: You see marriage as pointless and cringey and when Tom agrees with you on your opinion you think nothing of it. Until one day you hear Tom talking over the phone with Harry.

Warnings: angst, fluff, mentions of family issues, insecurities, guilt.

Word count: 1k+

Tom heard you scoff from across the room, he was sitting on his laptop reading over the script his manager had sent him while you were on your phone, scrolling through Instagram.

"You alright love?" Toms voice caught your attention and you looked up from your phone. Your cousin was getting married and they kept making such a big deal out if it, so much that it was just getting irritating at this point.

"Yea, all good" you dismissed him and went back to scrolling on your phone. Your answer was not bought by Tom and a pillow was thrown at you "you are a child Thomas" You giggled and threw the pillow back at him.

"What is wrong y/n?" His voice was a bit more stern, you sighed not wanting to share the reason. Every time you brought up your opinions on marriage you were judged and out down for them, told thing like 'you're to young to know' or 'you havnt found the right person'

"My cousin is getting married, and I just don't see the appeal. They are actually like she won a Nobel prize or some shit" your eyes were set on the ground so you missed the fall of Toms face. "I personally have never seen myself getting married, it just uh doesn't feel right I guess" when you looked back up at Tom hesitantly he had covered his hurt well and he just nodded along with your statement.

"I agree completely, marriage is quite stupid, a peice of paper doesn't define your relationship" a smile crept over your face when he said that, no one you had ever dated ever agreed with you on marriage and you wrre glad you and Tom had been on the same page.

"You have no idea how relieved that made me Tommy" you jumped from where you were sitting and walked over to him, plopping down next to him on the couch "I love you, and I don't need a stupid peice of paper to prove that" you grinned and pulled him into a kiss.

He kissed back with a smile, he kept his true thoughts about marriage to himself not wanting to make you feel bad. In reality Tom had always planned on a big wedding, he was going to use his grandmothers ring what his mother promised to let him use, he was a sap for really cute weddings and just having the labels of husband and wife, he just loved the thought. Although it seemed thaf it wouldn't ve happening considering your firm beliefs on it.

"I love you too darling" Tom whispered when you pulled away from the kiss, you squealed lightly and kissed his cheek before jumping off the couch and saying something about doing some cleaning but Tom wasn't really listening.

"Fuck" Tom ran his hands down his face and let his head fall back against the couch. Silently cursing himself not telling you is true feelings.

◼

It had been about four days since you and Tom had talked about the whole marriage thing, he was acting a bit off but you pushed it aside, that was until you figured out why.

You had woken up and Tom had already been awake and he was sitting on the couch, phone in hand. You were going to go surprise but you stopped when you heard him talk.

"I know Harry, it's just. I've already dug myself into a hole, how am I just supposed to tell her. I just feel like I've done something wrong but I don't knw" Tom sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Look Tom, she loves you everyone can see it. So what if she doesn't want to get married, does it mean that much to you" you couldn't hear what Harry had said but Tom sure could.

"I know she loves me Harry but I've always pictured this whole big thing when I get married, and now she thinks I hate it just as much as she does, she called it pointless Harry, I don't know how to tell her" you felt awful as you turned away and walked back to your bedroom that you shared with Tom.

You flung yourself down on the bed and ran your hands up snd down your face. You should have noticed that Tom was lying about his opinions on marriage, you guys have been together for three years, you were just so blind sighted that you didn't notice.

"Darlin, oh hey I didn't know you were awake yet" Tom walked into the bedroom, he wore a smile on his face, one you couldn't bring yourself to match "Whats going on, why are you grumpy" he pouted and sat next you while you stayed laying down. "Babe" Tom grabbed one of your hand and interlaced your fingers with his "Talk to me"

"Why didn't you just tell me?" You sat up and Tom gave you some space to get comfortable before he answered.

"What are you on about" he looked confused, he genuinely didn't know what you were on about. There hadn't been much that he hadn't told you of then the marri-

"You love the idea if getting married" you sighed and looked over at your boyfriend who's face dropped as her kept his eye locked on your hand that was in his.

Tom took a deep breath "You just, you seemed to hate it so much. I didn't want to start a fight or anything, we don't need to get married it's just something I always thought I was gonna do"

"Tom, I hate the idea if marriage because my family was torn apart because my parents stayed in an unhappy marriage, same thing with my uncle, they were a great couple but then they got married and that all just went away. I don't want that to happen, I really am sorry that I hate the idea so much. If it's a deal breaker I totally understand" Tom knew you had problems with family and he sympathized with you on that but he just couldn't wrap his head around why you blamed marriage but he knew he didn't want to lose you and if that ment not getting married, he would survive.

"Its not a deal breaker darling, I promise. It's just something I need to adjust to, you know. I would never pressure you into something you wouldn't want to do. I love you" he captured your lips in his and you kissed back immediately.

◼

It had been about 3 months since Tom had agreed to not get married, you knew it was hurting him deep down but he was pushing it away for your sake and that just make you feel worse.

So now you were sitting at your kitchen table awaiting Tom from returning from two months away for filming. Usually you were excited about him coming home but you were nervous, you had dicided that if getting married would make Tom happy, you'd do it. It wasn't that big if a deal, right?

You didn't have time to think about it anymore when when door to your house swung open "Y/n! Hey I'm ho-" he was cut off when you flung yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck. Tessa too has also came running from her place of the couch.

"Welk hello to you to darling" he chuckled, his bags long forgotten as he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer to him if that was even possible.

"Marry me" you blurted out when you pulled your face away from the crook of his neck. His eyes widened in pure shock but you had a shit eating grin in your face.

"But uh y-you said it was pointless" Tom couldn't help the smile that played on his lip though, he seriously hoped you were being genuine about this because be didn't want you to feel pressured.

"Yea Tommy I know, but I mean so much to you to have a wedding and though I find it cheesy and sappy. It makes you happy, and when you're happy I'm happy. So what do you say?" You knew that you'd have to figure out a way for you both to enjoy the wedding but right now the look on Toms face was all you needed.

"Yes of course I'll marry you" pulling you into another kiss, you giggled when he tried pulling you closer to him, "Thank you" he whispered against your lips here he pulled away "you don't have to do this for me you know"

"I'll do anything for you"

[a-storied-mindx]

I didn’t feel too good when I woke up today. I think I’m just flat out exhausted. I havnt had a good nights sleep in I don’t know how long. Not only is my sleep schedule shit, but when I do sleep, I toss and I turn. I wake up constantly and wake up feeling like I didn’t sleep at all, almost more tired than I was when going to sleep.

I woke up around 4 and had a missed call from one of my “bosses” she is one of the ladies who runs the events that I do (the biggest and most profitable one for me). She’s VERY uptight and can be difficult so I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells with her.

Anyways, I had just woke up, still groggy, and had a few missed calls, texts, etc. so I’m looking at all of them. For whatever reason, I think I was still half asleep, I got her name mixed up with a friend of mine. So I see this missed call and think it’s an old friend…which I found weird. Their names start with the same letter but are not super similar so I can’t even blame that lmao. Anyways, I send this text:

About 15-20 seconds after I send the text, it registers in my mind that it’s my boss, not the old friend. Normally I’d just laugh it off but..like I said, uptight, I also don’t think I’m her favorite (how is that possible?)

So I’m like FUUUUCK. I call her right away and apologize, she hadnt seen the text yet so I told her what happened and she said, “interesting…” she wasn’t rude about it but also wasn’t thrilled. Oh well. It’s funny now.

After that I had a few readings and booked a few more for this weekend and next week so that’s good. I made some food for J and decided to get to work. We are in the process of switching rooms and it’s been difficult to get it done because I’ve been so tired but we finally got the old beds moved and the new one in. I got alllllll of our laundry washed, folded, and hung up finally! I got a lot of the stuff put away, still a lot more to do but I made a decent amount of progress.

I cleaned the bathroom which took a while but it looks nice now and also picked up dinner. Jeez. I thought I’d have a lot more to write about because it took me literally 8-10 hours but a lot of it was just time consuming I suppose.

I got a good laugh at the lack of color in my clothes. And this meme also made me laugh:

I’m so tired and hoping I’ll actually get some sleep tonight. I really need it. Maybe I wore myself out enough to actually sleep. Time will tell, I reckon.

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

So tired of people “defending” Fan Made Media from an “Outsider” perspective, like:

People really act as if when you’re openly a fan of something this means they get to treat you like an infant now, huh? Like they will talk about people harassing you as if you don’t exist when they’re woke scolding other people about not harassing you for “supporting shitty content/creator xyz UWU” and tag that in your own fandom space and lump you in with all these other things and people that you don’t personally like and don’t want to be associated with, but you don’t get to chime in to tell these people whom clearly do not respect you to begin with not to come to your defense or speak for you while invading your own fandom space because they’re being condescending as SHIT and you just have to take that from them because you willingly participating in those spaces?

I mean, take shit like this for example, right?

It’s like.... I guess putting several hours a day of your most dedicated effort into crafting elaborate as fuck music videos with your favorite media to your favorite alternative/hard rock/goth genre while incorporating your own self made black and red color theme and text to make it look pretty, just simply doesn’t count as like, A Valid Mode of Expression of your Emotion....

Because like, of course you would only ever need to be abused or traumatized or A Child, in order to have An Excuse to actually, MAKE something like that.

Oh and like, notice how doing this is not even considered to be actual artistic expression anymore, it’s just “These Posts...”

Like, what the actual fuck is the matter with you? Would you legitimately rather people cut themselves?

“havnt learnt alternate methods to Express their emotions yet...” 

You mean, that they have yet to be forced into therapy, wherein best case scenario, they’d be instructed and encouraged by their therapist to continue with this exact same form of unique alternative. Expression of their emotions.... That you’re only implying that they’ll have to Stop Posting, in order to “Learn an ‘Alternative Method’ to ‘Express’ their emotions to...”

WHEN THEY ALREADY FUCKING HAVE ALTERNATIVE METHODS TO EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS TO???????

  DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PATIENCE AND SKILL IT TAKES TO LEARN SONY VEGAS, ADOBE AND FINAL CUT? OR EVEN IMOVIE FOR THAT MATTER? OR MOVIE MAKER?

OR ANY OTHER KIND OF DRAWING/ART PROGRAM?

“havnt learned alternate methods to express Express Emotion...”

OH, WELL, I’M SO FUCKING SORRY, IS A BLACK AND RED THEMED AMV WITH CUSTOM TAILORED TEXT SET TO ‘CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE SOBER’ NOT CONSIDERED “EXPRESSIVE”, “EMOTIONAL” OR “ALTERNATIVE” ENOUGH FOR YOU YET?

And you do know that people can take commissions for AMVs and Fanfic just like any other artists?

Or is the base standard for “Alternative Method To Express Emotion” now, just like, a YouTube Personality sitting in their bed room, talking over a two hour long, overly analytical cynical deep dive into nerd media, while treating people who make transformative fanworks like zoo animals?

.... I don’t know what people want anymore.

You already expressed what you think we do is cringey and “corny” and somehow, not a real expression of emotion that you obviously think requires zero skill or effort.

So just stop with the back handed compliments and condescendingly “defending” people for expressing themselves in a way you deem regressive as if they don’t hear that, stop posting your disingenuous “opinions” about their “corny” art, practice what you preach, and like, *legitimately* leave people alone, actually?  

“Finding comfort in these posts...”

One time I saw a post that’s like: “Ya ever hear a song and make up an entire music video in your head?“

And my friend just replied: “Those were called AMVs and you guys bullied them out of existence.”

And it’s like, the tone of this posts is still implying that AMVs and other art forms should not exist and that the people who make them, apparently just need to “Learn Alternative Ways To Express Their Emotions”.

And it’s like, wow OP, thanks for calling every Gen Z TEEN/Millennial who read this that still makes AMV an “abused child” and making them feel even more self conscious about how they Express themselves and their emotions by way contributing to an already dying alternative art form.

Your passive aggressive condensation and implication they should find something else, really solved the problem, I’m sure. 

[paulieshore]

Part Two: Somethings Wrong With Him

Heres part two leading up to the main event still. I recapped the last sentence of part one, if you havnt read part one go and read it! then come back and read me. Anyways here we go!!!

Characters : Victor, Lucien, Gavin, Kiro, MC (mention of side characters too)

Word count : 1, 494

Warnings: None 

Loveland Charity Event

Part Two: “Something’s Wrong With Him…”

‘He? Who’s He?’ Victor looked at you void of any emotion on his face but in his mind was like fireworks of sadness, anger and… jealousy?? All revolved around one word…. HE!....

 You stood there for what felt like forever, neither of you said anything. Victor just stared at you, felt like years of silence, feeling a little awkward finally you broke, “well if there isn’t anything else ill see myself out now.” Waiting a moment, Victor just silently nodded so you turned around and made your way to door.

Just as you reached for the handle, “I want the adjustments done by tomorrow, and personally delivered to me!”

Huff… your day off was tomorrow but looks like you’re here yet again, “Yes sir!” quickly escaping without even the slightest look back.

Inside the office Victor momentarily smiled, he thought back to what you had previously said… Who is he? He wondered, perhaps a colleague?  MC always seemed too busy with her work; he admired this about her given all the setbacks she always found a way, and never lost that purity of determination (most women around him wanted fame or money but she merely just wanted to do better, be better). Any other time he’d see her shed be stuffing her face with junk food he had never really noticed her around other men that weren’t working for her. Then Victor seemed to have remembered a time she was texting during work hours smiling stupidly at her phone. Was it him she was texting? Perhaps ‘he’ is … Kiro? He’d remember seeing you with him on a couple occasions, but wasn’t it for work? That’s when those unnecessary feelings began to stir again. Why? Setting aside his thoughts he decided to burry himself into work again, the best solution to take his mind off…her.

You finally reached the Café and looked through the window to see if Lucien had arrived. Running a tad bit late, you had thought to call but the phone died whilst at LFG and typically forgetting to charge it last night before going to bed.

Just then Lucien appeared from behind “Sorry I’m late, I had something come up.”

You nearly jump out of your skin when you heard him. “It’s fine I’m late too but I couldn’t call phones dead!” You responded, waving your phone near your face like to justify that you weren’t telling a lie.  

Lucien and MC entered the café; not far from where they were stood Gavin pulled up on his motor bike, he tried ringing you but went straight to voicemail every time. Being the worry wart that he was (though he’d never admit that to you) he tracked you down through the wind. When he arrived he saw you and him… This guy again, who is this guy really, he briefly recalls that night he stood with you and those bullets were flying towards you. Gavin sat there for a brief second before dismounting the bike.

Inside; you and Lucien ordered your teas and took a seat in a little booth waiting for your snacks to come, today’s special was a ginger cake. Lucien mentioned trying something similar when he was abroad in England so you had decided to give it a try (being the foodie that you are). Just as you were discussing the charity event you heard a voice from afar that sounded awfully familiar… You slightly raise your head over Lucien’s shoulder view to catch a glimpse of Gavin at the clerk counter. Lucien who was stirring his tea at the time looks up and notices you seemed slightly distracted from your conversation. He looks over his shoulder to your line of sight and now understood. For some reason he felt, agitated maybe even slightly territorial. He’s sitting right in front of you yet your distracted by him.

Gavin pays for his order after receiving his coffee and nonchalantly makes his way towards you two. Stopping just beside Lucien “hey what’s up? Fancy meeting you here,” addressing you**not like he knew you were here ^_^.

You give him a genuine smile and just as your about to respond Lucien chimes in “Hmm it’s you again, and who might you be then officer?” His face seemed merry but his voice sounded rather annoyed.

Gavin glances down, his face which was calm and stoic as usual was now slightly shifting to a more analysing stare, “Gavin.” Reaching his hand out, Lucien acknowledged Gavin’s gesture before standing to shake his hand in return, “Lucien.” You couldn’t help but feel like you were watching two cats at a stand-off; they shook hands but never parted. Standing there staring at each other…

“Are you going to hold hands all day or sit down?” you couldn’t miss this opportunity to stick it to them. Most people in your life seem to have a way of teasing you so when the chance arises you wouldn’t let it pass you by. Both men instantly let go of one another and looked at you flabbergasted, which made you laugh out loud. Might I add it wasn’t exactly a cute giggle either, you proper belly laughed then (LOL). This seemed to have defused what-ever might have been to happen. Gavin shook his head and explained he was still on duty and popped in for a coffee before setting off again, leaving you and Lucien to finish discussion about the charity event.

That evening you were going over the report Victor wanted adjusted and handed in to him next day.

~Tweet -Tweet~ your phone appears to have a new message, glancing over and seeing *KiRo* displayed on the screen. Setting the pen down you swipe the screen and open the text, it read:

KiRo: Hey Miss Chips! How’s it going?! I’ll be back in Loveland the day after tomorrow for a gig next week. We should hit Souvenir up when we can?

Replying: Hey Kiro, Yea sounds great I’ve been wanting to go back there but wouldn’t be quite the same without you. Let me know what day works for you!

You thought for a moment if maybe you reply sounded kind of… pathetic. Lord it’s no wonder you didn’t have many friends, ~Tweet-Tweet~

KiRo: Haha awe you miss me? I’ll shoot you my schedule later, gota go next gig is about to start!! TTYL

Reading that you blushed hard, you felt the heat rise in your cheeks to the tips of your ears. You sent a quick ‘ok’ before heading to the bathroom to splash some cold water on your face.  

 Next Day (5 days till the event)

You were just leaving LFG, Victor approved of the adjustments but his behaviour seemed rather off. Well more than usual, he didn’t call you an idiot or make any remarks. Strictly business today, for some reason it had you thinking perhaps you did something wrong. Stopping and giving your-self a bit of a shake and reminding oneself everyone has off days and not to think too much about it. You left LFG excited; now it was officially your day off! You hadn’t had a day off in well over a month, and with the event coming up you decided you will do some shopping. You invited Anna and Kiki out but they were either working or had other things to do, just as you got off the bus near the mall you noticed Gavin standing near the entrance.

“Hey Gavin, fancy meeting you here” you call out to him as you approach (hmm doesn’t that sound indistinguishable). Observing Gavin; his cheeks seemed to have redden’ a bit then, he raises his hand and scratches the top of his head not making eye contact with you.

“Uh yea I just finished a job.” Gavin barely squeezes these words out...

“Well since you’re here mind helping me?”  You lean in trying to get him to look at you. Did I embarrass him? No not Gavin, he’s to cool to be embarrassed so easily you think. He gives you a quick nod and the two of you enter the mall together.

After learning what you meant by needing help Gavin’s cool mojo seemed to have swung to a more awkward state of mind. You had settled with an evening gown a store clerk recommended and decided to call it a day, Gavin didn’t look so good. You had a suspicion he may be suffering from a fever. He insisted he was fine again and again, but judging by the redness of his face whenever you came out of the dressing room or when you would leave you’d peak to see him fanning himself constantly. Maybe you should take him to the hospital to have him looked at, seeing as he won’t even let you look at him let alone look at you for more than a couple seconds…. Something’s wrong with him….

To be continued.

Feel free to share (reblog), follow my page for future story progression **let me know your thoughts! **

Thanx for reading

[askbarnum]

Do you consider yourself a romantic? Have you ever helped someone pursue their love interest?

I might call myself something of a romantic, yes. As a young man I dreamed endlessly of sweeping my Charity off her feet, taking her to dances and fancy resteraunts, buying her the house of her dreams and a beautiful wedding ring, dancing on roof tops and kissing on cliffs overlooking the sea. Even back when I was a poor man I was a smitten one, determined to watch the sunset with my darling and to waltz in the dark of the night together until our feet hurt.

If I am being honest, I don't think Charity was much a romantic at all. Of course she always humoured me, she knew I was at heart a bit of a soppy man. Though I beleive a great deal of the time she thought me rather silly.

It is rather nice in that respect to have Phil in my life. I'd argue the ridiculous man is even more of a romantic than I am, with his diary's and his poetry. I enjoy my grand gestures making him swoon, and really swoon, not just to humour me.

Have I a secret habit of reading copius amounts of terrible romance novels that no one knows about? Maybe so. Just don't tell Phil. They are the absolute lowest trash in literature as far as I am concerned, and yet I find myself entirely immersed in whether Lady Gracy finds the courage to escape her arranged marriage to run away with the sweet groomsman who leaves her flowers and smells of sandalwood...

Yes so anyway. To answer your second enquiry, indeed I have on the occasion been known to perhaps arrange a few romantic encounters between others.

I believe I possess the gift of seeing a spark in the eyes of young lovers. I am something of a cupid at the circus. If the world needs a little deceit to bring too hopeless young dreamers into each others arms, I see no harm in this.

It all started back when Phil first joined the Circus and I immediatly noticed the overwhelming chemistry between himself and our own Miss Wheeler. Of course, Phil being a young and inexperienced man was bumbling around like a fool. I had to help my poor hopeless young apprentice, what kind of mentor would I be if I didn't? So I told Anne I brought her tickets to see the opera, as both a congratulations on an excelent performance and as a gift to cheer her up after a falling out with Phil after our trip to England. Even had her a gorgeous red dress made for the occasion. Then had Phil meet her there, something of a secret arranged date.

Since then I havnt been able to resist, there is something so satisfying about seeing people in love.

A few months back I asked Constantine and Ariana to fetch some costume fabric from two towns over. I have seen the way they look at eachother from across the ring, heard him laugh at her terrible jokes. So I sent them in a nice carriage and directed the driver to take them on the scenic route by the spring flower fields. Set up a nice hotel room. They seemed to buy into my excuse that they had to share a bed for financial reasons. And if the Champaign on the counter wasn't really left there by the previous occupiers, then they don't have to know that.

I asked Vasily the other day to join me for a drink, then ducked out at the last moment with "a headache". He needn't find out that it was arranged that the only other person in the bar was O'Mally, and that the candles and flowers were set out purposefully. They sneak off together all the time now, young lovebirds.

Most recently is Charles, he needs some love in his life more than anyone I have ever met. I set him up with a beautiful woman of his....stature. Found her on my travels last summer in a town down south. I may be guilty of writing anonymous love letters to both of them pretending to be the other. It seems to be working so far though, I have never seen Charles so smitten. So can it really be so wrong?

[irl-futaba-sakura]

i just need to vent a little, i’ll prolly delete this in like 20 min cuz thats just how i am, a regret machine lmao :U

i’m at the point where i feel like i need to run away and become a new person, leaving everything behind, or i’ll just end up a dead body somewhere where nobody can find me

first thing is first, i’m venting here because i need the aspect of people potentially seeing, but i dont really want anyone to talk to me because i 100% will just shut down if that happens. if you wanna show support or whatever, a link on this post is enough, honestly. it shows me someone did read it, but i dont expect anything more, if even that at all. just wanted to clear that up. “positive talk” shit just makes me feel worse too so please dont send me anything thanks.

i dont mean that to be alarming tbh, its just that i felt that the last year was great for recovering and trying to be a normal ass human being, but i was only recovering from one thing (dumbass delusions and hallucinations that kept me from functioning like a normal person, often too much for me to even want to move from one spot in my room, etc but its for the most part passed save a few “leftovers” i guess i’ll call them, yeah i know im crazy fuck off) and not the many other things i needed to learn how to do to be a functional and useful adult in society

for fucks sake im 25 and i havnt had a stable job in years, and the only real job ive had was literally asking me to be faster than i could humanly go, spending breaks crying in the bathroom so i didnt break down in front of all the residents at the old folks home. doing art is... cool and all but its not stable and thats all my fault. 

im afraid that no matter if i get hired anywhere ill just loose the job in a year or less. if not for the fact that im the most useless thing then it will be my health issues that my previous job (the fuckign NURSES EVEN) treated like normal pain even though i lay in bed or the bathroom floor crying and throwing up pain killers. i havnt been able to see a professional for a diagnosis or even a fuckign checkup since before i was in high school. 

for the first time in a while iv ebeen wanting some way to punish myself for all the things i¿’ve done, or not done, or whatever. i havnt done anything yet anyway, though i have had time to consider some things that are pretty overall harmless but at least effective. i dunno. 

because i feel like everything is my fault.

this life i was given, somehow its my fault. punishment for not finishing school and being a useless body barely considered for any kind of job. punishment for not being able to please the people i care the most about. punishment for trying to figure my shit out on my own. punishment for this and that and the other thing.

im living a burden’s life

at this exact moment i want nothing more than to just casually disappear and jujst suddenly be someone else, if anyone at all. let me start over in anohter ountry, another body, adnother sret of problems that are hopefully not a hinderance to me getting a job and being a decent and useful body in whatever society i end up in. i guess the body part is unrealistick outside of the slight possibility of reincarnation after death, but that assumes i would reincarnate into something sentient enough to have these problems to begin with. after all im not sure i deserve another human life after this one.

but i dont really want to give up the like three people i talk to, the like four maybe five hobbies or things that interest me, the general place i live in... its not half bad here, other than being cold as fuck. theres clean water, the worst natural problem is floods, snow or tornadoes, all which are more managable than not. hell theres even gonna be a round1 opening here soon.

im afraid of the ghosts in the house now

ghosts cant really hurt you right, but the thought of seeing one, encountering one, im too scared to do things like go to the basement and do my laundry, walk around the house when im home alone. at most i may go to the kitchen to make food, i would be safer in my bed or at my desk so i will stay there.

if i see one of their faces i wont stop thinking about it, i wont wanna even be left alone, so i cant go places i need sometimes. i dont know...

im afraid of living away from the people i have gotten used to seeing every day. i have not enough merits on my own to keep myself afloat, not till i can finish school and even then i lost my high schookl records and e¿wehnerbrt i have money to potentially go to school again i only have so much and little time here ant there and i will need more for the bus, i cant do this as easily i widh i col. its stupid i hate it i hate myself for being so fucking fifficult and i wish i wan literally anyone else who didnt have to have fucked up so badly in their past that im undesirable in jobs. i dont have antyhign worth giving.

i look like shit now, i was beign a bit okay but now stress made me ugly again. i dont want to bee seen outside or by anyone at all ever. can i live my whole life behind a screen? i wish. my dental issues are worse and worse and i cant fuckign afford it and it makesd me looks like a mess and nasty even tho i cake taker of mytselff i tri i really do i wish i oculd be beetttr, i dont talk to anyone bcu im too sacred of thesm now and i lost sll my fredins but i dnt want them back at all becasude im too scared to sau hey i meedds up im sorryu im not cry typing i cnat get mu brasin to process it too fast im sorru hten barely reassable sorry

i guess if dgonna be hard to reas im sonna stor then bye

[monstrosiity]

every time you’d look at me you’d anazlyze with a new degree, to me you were mesmerized by the way that I looked but to you i was nothing but a misunderstood book, now I can say the same, you havnt driven me insane but the sanity I feel is like reality unsealed, this I know about you now, you don’t know how to love me, you expected me to teach you.. wow. my exsistence owes nothing to your sexuality question dives into google, your sex drive and mine are nothing alike yet you’ve told me from the start my bodies all that you like, unfortunately I can’t read your mind but here’s a glimpse into mine, let me take you deep inside - when I met you I thought you were one in a million, you saved my life twice, then here’s the thing, it all came unhinged when I started to question your sexual attraction to things that I did. You made me believe it was all in my head, and it was an issue you’d dealt with, even in bed. As I’ve come to realize, when you’re in bed all alone, you’re not thinking of me, you’re jacking off to joe. Or gabby. Or Phil. Or whoever the fuck. All I know, is I don’t have their luck. Or these names could represent a secret fetish you go about fixing. I’m just sitting here thinking, about why you’d do this. It hurts my heart to see you be, everything you want to be, but all the things you want to be are those things you only see through me.

[have-some-mercy]

JunkratxCisFem Reader | Part 1 | SFW |

Warning! Cussing, bad relationship, mention of death, mention of death of the young, mention of wanting a family, bad self esteem,depression,anxiety

I got your other messages, no worries. 

NSFW will come next part if not for a possible 3rd part.

Junkrat’s speach will be in Bold

———————————————————————————–

Tired from a mission your attitude was more agitated then anything. Such a rare event when the mission was a complete success. However you found your emotional wall put up. All you wanted to do was curl into bed and sleep. Yet rest was something you couldn’t attain, at least not yet with all these papers that had to be filled. Today’s missions resulted with many dead. Mostly the enemy but casualties did occur. Some included kids, the very thought put your mood even further down the dump. Your team couldn’t get to them in time. To top it all off you all were talking about families on your way over. Later joking on the cliche with movies “the one who mentions their family dies first!”. 

You sighed. Though having won the battle the ongoing air of defeat still lingered. Aside from earlier event the thought of the topic still created something. Or more so re-open a thought to which you actually confessed much to everyone’s; including your own; surprise. “A family” you murmured. Mostly to your self, absentmindedly grazing your stomach with your elbow. You have wanted one for so long yet not at the same time. Wondering such had you think of your relationship. It has been rocky to say the least. Your in a poly relationship but the issue was your partner who has had diligent attention on others. Where as for you it has been…lacking. If not gone entirely. The thought at the back of your mind causing an audible scoff. Relaying the words in your mind as your body acted them with exaggerated detail. Air quoting it all. “Oh don’t worry babe your always my number one! ”, “yes babe i know, we need to love each other equally”, “but babe give them a chance! There such a good fuck!” And on that note you growled at the notion. Firstly you cant just mindlessly fuck someone. Even in your desperate state you always needed a connection, to know them well, and frankly you felt like you didn’t know your s/o at all anymore. Especially when all of this could have been prevented, and yes you tried to do just so. Being the mindful person you are you never asked for much let alone often. Always insuring there was time yet it always ended up the same. 

When it came to your needs it was always, “oh I’m sorry I’m just too tired, can I take care of you another day?” Yet right away a text led them out the door. It never failed. “It never fuckin failed… Auuggg!” You hated your self more at the thought. Feeling inadequate in every way. ‘was their something wrong with me?’. Catching your reflection off your phone you fixed a stray strand of hair. ‘am i not attractive?’ You would get compliments from new recruits but it only lasted a week till they would all shy away from you. ‘onto the next best thing’ you thought before quickly burring it. Covering your face, careful with the pen in hand as you curse your self for even worrying about that. 'you fuckin attention whore.. Maybe that’s why they don’t do anything to you..’ The more and more you thought about your flaws the worse you felt.  The pen soon came down hard as you filled out more paperwork. “I’m such a fuckin self absorbed bitch..“The room carried your voice like a ghostly echo as you steeled your self from brimming tears. Such causing you to jolt at realizing you just said it all aloud, hearing it echo back. Unbeknownst to you the door was closing behind you. Your thoughts snap back to work. Shaking it off with a sigh. It was late anyhow, no one wanted to be up at this hour and no one usually was. After filling out the last line of your current page you soon found not everyone slept soundly.

The sound of the door closing and the familiar scent of gunpowder had you whip around from where you sat. Glaring as the tall blond grinned down at you. Such a look on your face made him titter. Your self growling at the invasion of privacy. “How long have you been here?” You sounded as annoyed as you looked. The display had his interest peaked.  Swinging his peg leg he slowly walked to you. “You know, fer an Overwatch agent ya sure have a bad watch on yer back! Been 'er a while now.” Growling you turned back to your paperwork. Embarrassed at the fact. “I’m at base, I can have the privilege to leave my guard down you know. ” angrily working you heard the junker hum.“true but what you said earlier seems a'bit mooorree” rolling his hand as he gestured to your confessions.

Slamming your hands down you blushed. You wanted to die as the realization dawned you. Jamison “Junkrat” Fawkes, the one agent who did not know the word incognito/and your best friggen friend! Heard you. You knew him-oh you knew him WELL-the way you felt was also more than a friend should but he didn’t know. You made sure he would never know. After all the first person you felt this way ended out so…- shaking your head you turned ready to spit fire but soon drew back. 'When did he get so close?!’ Breath caught as he loomed over you. Soon resting on his elbow, smug grin at your reaction. “You know..” He drawled. “If ’m not mistaken, you n your luvy.. ” rolling his eyes at the last part but his annoyance soon hidden with a grin. “Ye both seem.. Done.” Nope, nope you weren’t having this. About to get up he soon stopped you. Soot covered finger soon pressed against your lips. “ only sayin cuz i heard 'em havin quite the time tonight!-” before he continued it was your turn to intervene. “We’re in a poly relationship. They can do so if they want.” However this night i particular they didn’t say anything. From what you knew they said they’d be on a mission. Your answer seemed to have caught the lanky man off guard. Raising a brow. “So.. They can fuck who ever? ” His words left a bad taste in your mouth. Scrunching your nose as you spoke. “No, it’s all based on trust. We let each other know. We say who we’re dating and make time for each other, as do we do so for our other loves. But like-if they want to go have one night stands we talk before hand and just insure they’re safe..-wait why am i explaining this–” Quick to reply “ 'cuz I’m ya friend n wana help. Look darl, correct me if am wrong but ah haven't seen hide nor hair of 'em round your barracks.” You wanted to interject but he continued. What surprised you was how accurate but also how annoyed he was getting.“an if what ya say is true then why havnt they least said hi to you? ” again you opened your mouth but more was said. “N even in the breaky hall! They be just a table away but clammer on with there mates n pals!!”

You forced a smile now. To hurt to be angry anymore. “Well.. They say hi, and we text all the time just-” as you say that he got your phone. Such an action making you jump for it. His stern expression shocking enough to have you stop and turn away. Recoiling as he flipped through. Sneering as he read out loud. Tone mocking how your s/o sounds. “Day 7. Luv u. Day 8. Morning luv! Day 23!!! Miss you-this was when they had the fuckin day off–” you reached for your phone desperately. “Well they probably had a lot of work-” he jerked up and seems to click out of text into social media. Continuing “Day twenty-funkin-three! Had the best day of my life with twins! ” By now you only stood shakily. Fidgeting nervously,still forcing that smile as you spoke. Voice inching towards a weak sob but you’ll be dammed if you let someone see you cry. “well maybe it was the twins from work?” “OF COURSE IT’S THOSE SKANKS!!! How else ya think they got the job? Cuz i don’t hear much about work wit em- and trust me! Ol Fawkes is well informed! ” Your voice near pleading as you spoke. “Jamison they are- A cheatin fuck face?- No i mean they work so hard-on fuckin anythin that moves?! Cept for the one they been with for how fukin long now?-we haven’t had time to talk- The one gal who has been with em-Jamie-put up with more of their shit-please!-then ANYONE SHOULD EVER HANDLE-its cuz their struggling and- but she still gets cheated on but-'oh! Its ok because they STILL GO BACK TO EM!!”

You broke. Walls all crumbled as your first sob escaped. How long has it been since you cried? Actually cried? In front of someone no less? Nearly missing the chair it skid slightly with how you dropped. Gritting your teeth as you wiped your tears that seems to never end. You hated this feeling. Feeling so weak, so helpless and vulnerable. It’s why you never get cry. Let alone in front if this man. Such something you never wanted to admit but he somehow made you feel.. Safe? However right now you were to overwhelmed but you needed to hear this, but you didn’t expect it to end up like this.

Seemed this was not what he expected either. Hearing you sob snapped him out of ranting. He never meant to get like that and right away he quickly tried to hold you. Uttering many apologize as he wiped your tears. Cursing at himself at the fact he let himself snap like that. He was always good with holding in his emotions but with her.. Well-they had a way of making him feel relaxed. Too relaxed from what hes now gathered. “Ah fuck love ah-ah didn’t mean to hurt ya.. I swear m’ not usually like this-y-you know that right? just..that’s.. That’s all fucked up and you don’t deserve that shit!” Wincing at his angry tone along the end. Inwardly cussing himself out once more.

Your words were choked on tears, a seeming whisper on the wind. “I know…” “Then why stay?” Tilting your head as he said such. Your puffy eyes looking away. “Because… Because things can change..we’ve been trying to get better… It'l get better right.” “When?” Even you questioned the thought. Such letting more tears out as you hiccuped into your arm. Your chest started to hurt as you let it all out. To your surprise you liked being held as you did such. His prosthetic moving your arms around his neck so he could lift you. The junker soon sat on the chair. You on his lap, chin atop your head. Reflexively you withdrew your hands close to your chest once he sat. Clutching the harness on his chest as if it save your life. You have not cried in so long. You have not felt so.. So..  You didn’t even know this feeling anymore and that just made you bury your head further against him. Sobbing out of frustration,anger,but most of all pain. His arms held you close, himself gritting his teeth at the fact someone could make you feel this much pain. He hated the fact he had you cry but knew you needed to let it out in the end. The sight sparked something inside him, he was familiar with it but never to such a degree-let alone for a human. He thought on what to do, planning how to pay them back for all your suffering, but your voice woke them from delving further into those thoughts. The sound of your voice ripped his heart at how utterly defeated, broken, and vulnerable you spoke. “…..what do i do?… ” you looked up at him through glossy eyes. Silently pleading for an answer. He has never seen you like this-he knows no one else has either. You always smiled, you always spoke so happily with such a joyous spark. Always with a skip to your step that seems to have declined over the years of your relationship. Your anger earlier was something rare, usually from video games or losses in general but this.. This was something he wanted to make sure wouldn’t ever happen again. Cupping your cheek he thumbed a tear. You finding your self leaning into his warmth. Slowly he pressed your heads together nose to nose and followed with a kiss on the forehead. The action surprising you enough to look up. He wasn’t grinning, he just watched the door now and held you closer. Before you could ask he looked at you. Lopsided smile that seemed so soft and different then the others hes given. “Well darl’ that’s where bein a master thief comes in! ” your confused gaze was met by his hand holding yours. Pulling you to meet his lips with yours. You blushed heavily. Feeling like a teenager in love all over again. He only parted slightly. “It eats me up seeing something so rare an beautiful get treated like shit.” Kissing you once more, almost desperately through now heavy breaths. “So am stealin ya. Ok?” The kiss lasted long, longer then either of you expected. The flush apparent on both if your faces once parting. Your self quivering at the feeling it gave you. Himself steeling something else reacting.

The very thought of him stealing you away had you blushing like mad-if that  weren’t happening already. “W-whah-but Jamie I-” His hands held both yours tight yet gently. Keeping you close but still giving you the choice to back off. “Y/N i’d never wrong ya like that.. Yeah ’t be different cuz am not x'actly poly but.. I know how ta treat someone right-'spesialy if 'ts you. ” he wanted to kiss you again but steeled himself once more. “Doll you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen-an i have a discerning eye!-but that’s not just why!-just-your-…..-you!!-” panicked to not sound like he just liked-no LOVED her for her body he shouts. “YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!-just-more! ” scrambling for the right words he inwardly face palmed. He was a genius with many things but this was not one of them. Or at least with you it wasn’t. “You make everythin so difficult you know-wait that sounds wrong!-not like that but your like distracting and shit-ah-Like i luv your body but there more to this feeling-wait!-you just make me feel better??-different?!-WORDS- OH FUCK IT ALL MATE! THINK!–I MEAN I CANT THINK!! ” You giggled, such making him look away with a defeated groan. Covering his face with a slap, wincing as he realized to late he used his prosthetic. The other still in ur grip. “well.. Ah dun fucked it up” Yet your hand puled him from thinking more, tugging his slightly. Peeking through metal fingers his expression lightened from seeing you smile. It being contiguous as he found himself grinning ear to ear, still embarrassed if the blush didn’t already show it. Your thumbs gently stroke the back of his hand. Reassuringly, trying to calm him. Sniffling slightly as you spoke, the light back in your voice. “Jamie, relax. Take a breath o.k.?” He rose a brow but complied. Prosthetic falling on the arm rest as he took an exaggerated deep breath, letting it out justly. He couldn’t look you in the eyes with out burning up so your turn to speak. “So… Am i really that distracting?” Thinking back when you worked together you recall his pace seeming slower then normal. Or so the bigger junker would state. Remembering missions together were always more difficult as his post would always be left. You would find him causing havoc near you instead. Yes it made it more difficult but later you seemed to note the pattern as the team ended up assigning such to happen rather then it do so unplanned. The thought made you smile. “C'mon. Fantastic Mr.Fawkes, this little runt can’t create that kind of effect.” Oh he looked ready to say the most detailed explanation on how everything about that was wrong until he saw you giggle once more.Covering your smile behind a hand. “Do I really drive you that crazy?” You said with a smile that’s now uncovered. Such as soft as he’d always wish to see for him. The question earning a chuckle. “I know it seems impossible but ya 'ave a way of bringin things outa me ah thought were nonexistent!” Your blush had the mans stomach feeling butterfly’s all over again. His confidence back as he cupped your chin to look at him once more. He watched as your hand soon cupped his once it moved to your cheek. Expecting it to pull it away yet great full if not gleeful when you held it more firm. Almost as if you were admiring the feeling. “So..” You spoke “do you really think I’m beautiful?” With out missing a beat. “More than any secret treasure in all 'f me life! ” Shaking your head as you giggled you couldn’t stop the grin. “Are you sure your 'Discerning eye’ ain’t wrong? I’m pretty sure i’m damaged goods by now.” Closing the gap which dwindled from each word he left you both nose to nose. Looking down as he Eskimo kissed you. “Hah, i’d stake my career on it-oh wait-I already do! ” as the two of you shared a laugh but never parting he finalized. “But uh-I find the best things are when ya work together on it. Long as you don’t mind my broken parts fillin in the gaps?” Your smile was so filled with happiness. The air alike as you spoke. “Wouldn’t have it any other way!”

You two shared nervous giggles as the realization set in. He didn’t want to let go, and you didn’t want him to either. After a few moments enjoying each others embrace, along with cuddling and nuzzling, he was quick to catch your lips. Quick pecks that soon roamed all over your face. Causing little squeaks as you let your self relax and just absorb it all. This felt so.. So perfect. So loving yet perfect. You couldn’t recall the last time you felt like this. It was so heart warming, so beautiful, so relaxing and peaceful and pure. You wept, sniffling again. The sound and wet sensation making Junkrat draw back. Worried he over step but your smile had him quirk a brow. “Wot?” His voice confused. Wiping your tears he leaned back in in case your voice was mere whispers behind the sobs. “Its just..” Giggling once more. “I feel so loved. ” your words made him blush, cheeky smile as he soon went back to being nose to nose with you. You couldn’t hold back a grin either. “This is bliss!” Your words left Jamison laughing gently. “Hey! That’s my line!” Quick to respond it was now your turn to shower the man in kisses. Such earning a whimper and a melting Junker. One who soon purred as he leaned against the seat. “Nn. Your right tho..cuz ’ve finally reached heaven!”

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 3 - “hopefully failure does not turn into fracture” - John

Dylan C

oh nvm, it was Jack lol

Timmy

I was half a second from muting Ellie on my own during the tribal. Also JACK LEFT 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

John

first vote, check. first blindside, check. feels good knowing i helped spearhead the vote flip from stephen onto jack, but if jack comes back he might be out for blood. luckily enough for us worms, the vote morphed into a 7/1 landslide, so he might come after maynor or stephen or keith before me and my peeps. but only time will tell.

Timmy

ELLIE DRINK WATER CHALLENGE, DO THAT CHALLENGE

Keith John

Last night was a tough vote. Jack made people paranoid. Even though i wanted him to stay. No one in my alliance felt easy with him. Even though i wanted jack around as he was good in chllenge and wanted to work with me. But it is what it is. 

Raffy

I finally managed to get into an alliance with Ellie and Timmy. Though it is not the biggest, I feel confident that these two will serve me well, at least in the premerge. It's called the Just Go For It Alliance, courtesy of Timmy. And we almost got caught forming it because of Cormac which is iconic. Speaking of him, I don't really know what to make of him. He's very... weird. Like it's hard talking to him, but I feel the same way about Keith so whatever. Plus, I don't really trust Cormac considering he basically made a day 1 alliance with two people on my tribe and Sierra. I need to keep an attentive eye on him.

Ellie

I am so immensely thankful for the tribe call last night. It was filled with things I needed to hear, of course we joked around with the fact that I can’t turn on a stove but I was also so thankful for the amazing people in the call making sure that I take care of myself which I haven’t been doing lately. Life has been really hard on me and it feels like a never get a break, sometimes I neglect taking care of myself because I feel that I physically and mentally can’t. I function on caffeine and I get 2-5 hours of sleep on a good night. Last night was kind of a wake up call because I learned that I am putting myself in danger by neglecting myself and my needs. It was really hard for me to accept that but I feel like I have bonded with these people BEYOND the game, they feel like my family now. Life sucks and I get really unmotivated sometimes and can’t bring myself to get out of bed or even eat, but I’ve gotten a lot better and I hope to continue getting better and the people in that call have already played a huge part in that by motivating me to care about my wellbeing and take care of myself, I will always be thankful for that. 

Raffy

I feel like I am bonding well with people? It's hard to get a read on some of them, but I think it's fine for now. Other than that, John came up to me asking for a game bond that I thought we already have. Either way, that seems to be my way into an alliance with him. Hopefully we can grow our numbers and build a trustworthy yet powerful group. We're suspecting a swap pretty soon so I hope that I've bonded with the right people in order to be successful.

Dylan C

I haven’t been socializing enough lately with anyone, and wasn’t going to today but then today was Yikes so. I did miss the tribe call for the challenge because I was on the phone with my friend. Maybe I could’ve made it but eh. Hopefully that one point isn’t going to make or break us. And if it did, well I’ve also done a lot for this challenge already soooo

Ellie

I’m going to be picking flour out of my eyebrows for days

Raffy

I hope we win the challenge. I'm kind of scared that so many things were left blank, but this has got to be enough

Dylan C

BITCH

several of us on this tribe were just on a call saying we didn't wanna vote anyone out smh

I keep agreeing when people say they can't come up with a name for tribal but I do actually have one in mind. I'd say Justin since he seems to be around somewhat less, but it's still not great. I mean, I'd rather not vote anyone

So I've talked with Raffy and Joseph and they agree w/Justin. Haven't specifically mentioned names with anyone else. Ellie says she's just going to listen, and not throw out any names. Also didn't ask my thoughts lol. I'll expand on this more when I record my next video confessional

Timmy

Ughhh we lost, I say we but like I did nothing for the challenge so I was a big contributor to the loss. But now people want justin out and like Justin wants to work with me so I’m not here for that. Honestly I have an alliance that will half the tribe after tomorrow so i would like to have a majority group with him, but I’m still in a good spot without him here. I would rather get Joseph or Dylan R out this round though.

John

okay so apparently cormac wants sierra out after stephen now which is news to me. i just agreed and nodded and was like “okay cool” bc i don’t want to draw negative attention towards myself by acting like i’m trying to protect them, but like i don’t think blindsiding them would be the best move? this game is going to get crazy quick. plus if he’s thinking of taking them out, what if all of a sudden they wanna flip on me? in engineering terms, cracks are propagating on the surface of the material, and it’s not long until failure occurs. hopefully failure does not turn into fracture.

Timmy

Joseph and I haven’t spoken in a few days yet he messages just saying “so, tribal” in bold and I’m like wtf like I’m not gonna talk to you about tribal yet, I need to see if I can trust you first.

Dylan C

What is the big risk I'm taking for the idol and risking my vote at tribal? A fucking puzzle with a shit ton of blue sky and snow, and the piece are weird and r o t a t e. I'm not getting this shit done by 11pm tomorrow! Not when I'm in classes all day, and then have DnD not long after. And I made an account to save my progress, putting my name in it so if I do finish and end up on the leaderboard for someone else to see. You know what I've got tonight? BDE. That's right: big dummy energy. At least the vote seems almost unanimous at this point, so that could easily change, but if it goes like it seems like it will then my vote won't matter too much.

Dylan C

41 minutes and 40 second in, 32%, brain is fried JustinAlright so I am a bit nervous for this tribal considering I have not been too active for this round, but I am still confident I can move the target onto someone else. I was thinking I can possibly get people to vote out Dylan R considering he has been more inactive than I have. Although, the other tribe blindsiding Jack makes me weary because it might have caused people on my tribe to make a move against a more active player. So, I need to be on my toes to make sure that is not me. Also, remember how I said I want to work with Timmy? Well I messaged that bitch asking if he wants to work with me officially, but he hasn't answered even though he has been online since I have sent the message. So, honestly I might try to target him considering he has not been super active either.

Keith John

I have been a bit busy these past few days, havnt spoken to everyone much. Good thing we won immunity. So scrambling is at its minimum. i got a feeling a swap is coming up. Makes me nervous. I dont have many connections on the other side.

Except Justin, spoke to him a few times. Raffy and Ellie I spoke to but they feel like people who talk to everyone. so I dont know if they have my back. Whilst Timmy even didnt reply to my hi. As guess he is clear about not working with me

Stephen

Hi. My name is Mr Immune, which I almost misspelt as Mt Immune, wouldn’t that be entertaining? Anyway the tribes feeling good, John and Sierra are cool, Zoes nice, Maynors nice but oddly distant. Everythings middle of the road atm, nothing great but nothing sucky. I’ll probably try and cruise for a bit on social connections until swap or something equally spicy pops up.

Maynor

I have continued doing the puzzles and I have 3 of them left. Hopefully the idol isnt found yet. We’ll see. Im so happy we were able to win immunity cuz i was slowly freaking out that Jack said my name. Atleast i just screamed inside my head and didnt become as paranois as Jack. He literally made himself the target. Everyone agreed on Stephen then his paranoia happened and it switched onto him.

P.S. ❤️ Jay

Sierra

After Jack got voted out, I was worried that we were going to lose the next challenge. I was so relieved when we actually pulled through and won! We all really worked so hard to win that one... and even though I’m in an alliance, I’d rather not have to test things again just yet.

Raffy

God I hate tribal. It’s ugly. Though I instantly have a name in mind: Justin. He’s the person I trust the least and have talked to the least. I talked to Ellie and Dylan C about it. They seemed to be on board with the whole thing. We just need one more vote which should be easy to get. After all, I am in an alliance with Timmy, so it should be easy for me to get four votes. I’m just hoping that he doesn’t have an idol.

Last night, I was talking to Dylan a little bit. Apparently, they are are scared that they haven’t been added to any alliances and they feel like alliances are being made. So I suggested making an alliance with them and I. They’re in a vulnerable position which is great for me since it means they’ll be more willing to work with me. After tribal, I’m hoping that we can create an alliance together with some other people. I’m excited!!!

Ellie

So it’s between Justin and Dylan R and I have the deciding vote?? More drama coming soon

Justin

Ok these bitches are making me mad. I approached Ellie and Dylan C for alliances. Luckily, they both said yes to individual alliances, but as soon as I brought up the idea for all of us to join together plus Raffy they go mute. That is definitely concerning, but I brought up Dylan R’s name to all three as a target this vote and I can only hope they stick to their word to vote them out. I also made an official alliance with Keith, and he spilled the beans that he has been talking to Raffy a bit which makes me nervous. However, I have changed my stance on Raffy because he actually talks to me quite a lot. But, I am aware he is definitely playing this game hard and is talking to almost everyone. That is why I want to keep him close for the time being and then perhaps blindside him in a swap or early merge. Back to Keith tho, he is ITCHING to make a move. He told me it is his first time playing an ORG and he definitely wants to blindside people which as long as it ain’t me I’m good.

Joseph Collins

Me and Elle have been working so good together. I hope she doesn’t stab me in the back lol. The tribe consensus was Justin but I flipped them all to Dylan r. Blindsideeeeee coming. Hahahahaha. *evil laugh* *winky face

Joseph Collins

Lemme break down how I flipped the vote. I just told Dylan c that “look. I respect you. And I’d want someone to do this for me. The tide’s changing and I think the vote is gonna be Dylan R tonight. I don’t want you to be left out of a vote because I wanted to work with you so I feel like you should know” that establishes trust and kinda gets Dylan to switch her vote

John

i’m ready to make a legitimate move in this game. but it’s all about timing. our best move, if we lose again, is sending stephen outta here. WITH THAT BEING SAID, it’s on after that. bring on the bloodbath. not everything will be happy go lucky for long.

Joseph Collins

I orchestrated this blindside and took no credit in my voting message. Like a true mastermind. *maniacal laugh*

Justin

Biiiiiiiitch. I just found out bitches have been conspiring against me cuz of the time zone difference. So, I was right for being paranoid omg. The person who initially told me was Joseph of all people which was shocking since I probably talk to him the least besides Dylan R. But, I’m glad he did and then Timmy further confirmed it which I’m like hello again Timmy it’s been a bit bud. From what they have told me is that the majority is still on Dylan R. and I talked to Dylan C. about the vote and I straight up talked about the time zone difference not being an issue. They said they have a friend in Scotland so it doesn’t bother them so if at least those three and myself vote Dylan R. then I should be good.

Raffy

The tribe has switched their mentality and have decided to go with Dylan R. with this vote which I am fine with considering he does not talk to me at all either. Plus, Justin came up to me asking if we could align together in this game which is always a good sign. So, I was more inclined to keep him throughout the day. Either way, I think I should be safe at this tribal council.

Zoe

I’m a wild bitch.

For the scavenger hunt challenge, I definitely got a tattoo (of the water tribe symbol from avatar, don’t @ me) for a whopping 20 points, and we definitely won the challenge. While riding on that high I accidentally talked about the idol hunt and got a strike from the god-host, which made me feel like the ultimate failure. Other than that, I have several strong alliances which I am confident in going into the swap.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/gpUevTrixLo

https://youtu.be/_Qpn_dE6fxs

Not feeling like typing this up in detail but the vote has now changed to Dylan R and I’m down with/that. I talked to some people about it and they agree. Joseph messaged me and was like “I feel I have to tell you since you said you wanted to vote Justin.” I was like “that’s sweet but I already knew.” And kinda tried to play it off after that like I’m a little worse at socializing than I actually am but idk how well that worked. I really should’ve made this confession 5 hours ago but oh well. (Those videos were filmed almost 12 hours ago). 

Dylan C

I actually finished the fucking puzzle and I can’t believe it. Also if I hadn’t, it would’ve counted against me next tribal, not tonight’s. Either way, I’m not losing that vote via that puzzle babey. 

[8luh-8luh-classpects-i-guess]

Can i get an asension story for a witch of doom on the land of apocalips and rust?

You are the Witch of Doom in the Land of Apocalypse and Rust (LoAaR)As you enter the Medium your senses are immediately assaulted by the smell of copper, smoke and death. The air hurts to breathe and you swiftly alchemize a gas mask to help you, and you watch as the moist, overly oxidized air begins rusting all of the iron and copper in your house rendering many things useless. All this and you havnt even seen where you are yet, a quick look outside tells you all you need to know.The land is read and featureless, off in the distance you see bright light with pillars of smoke forming above, fire you think. Just outside your window are lifeless shells vaguely resembling the Praying Mantids from home, but much much bigger.you alchemize some strong boots, and begin to wander your land. you see many things as you travel. terrible, terrible things. you see the ruins of consort villages, still burning despite how long ago they look to have been destroyed. you see the bodies of the consorts who died holding each other, the rust seemingly alive as it wraps itself over their bodies. you see doomsday devices of all shapes and sizes, some seemingly used or broken, and  others that look like they could go off at any moment.the few consorts that are still alive live in underground bunkers, coming out only on rare occasions to scour through the destroyed land in search of supplies. One such consort silently hurries you into its burrow with a few others and you all eat…something your not sure what it is but it tastes greasy. after the meal the silent bugs pull you into a chamber with a dirt caked wall, they cant speak but using their strange claws they carve a story into the dirt, the story of a great witch traveling to the flames to smite a fiendish beast, from what you can tell the Mantis consorts think that killing the beast will banish the rust and restore their lands natural beauty. You don’t believe in this fairy tale but you want to help, you tell them that you are The Witch and say that you will slay the beast.They send you off with a fond farewell and a small amount of dried meat for the trip, after what feels like days you arrive at the flames, they appear to be some kind of altar, and sitting in the center on a chair a strange serpent with eight legs and eyes stitched shut ‘looks’ at you fondly “finally you’ve arrived” it says in a broken voice that doesn’t sound like any language you’ve ever heard before “I am Basilisk The Denizen of this place, I have been waiting for you for a very long time” it chuckles gleefully and slithers out of its chair and stops in front of you, before you even have a chance to react the stitches on its eyes snap and it looks directly into yours, youre turned to stone before you even realize but, youre still alive, you can see, feel and hear as your Denizen picks up your statuesque body, “ now it is time for you to ascend” it says before slamming you onto a green stone platform, you feel how hard it is before you are shattered into a million tiny pieces.all around the land doomsday devices implode on themselves rust is travelling off of every surface it touches and traveling to the bed, the rust, as if sentient swarms to pick up every little piece of you and puts you back together bit by bit, and as the final piece is place a supernova of light instantly disintegrates all the rust and you open your eyes and listen to the Basilisk’s final words before you blast it with a beam of focused death.

The Witch has Awoken

-Mod Twotile

[isakvaltersen03]

Dear Diary

23.06.2019 - I miss home more than ever, i miss being me

New York is a beautiful pace, I cant deny that without lying. Yet I cant help but miss Oslo. I like how Oslo is smaller, its still big to me but not nearly as big as here. I have now been here in New York for 2 months and I have met a lot of wonderful people. Time flies by but I have to admit, i´m homesick. I was scrolling through my phone a few minutes ago and found so many pictures from back home

My homeies. They are off to amazing adventures, some on their own some together and i´m sitting here wishing I could join them. Thinking back to all the good times we had through out the years. What I wouldn’t do to be with this silly gang right now. People might not see it, they might not notice, i´m good at hiding feelings, But I feel so small and alone in this extremely huge place. Sure I have made a bunch of good friends, but it doesn’t compare to those you have grown up with, those who know every single thing about you and can read you like a book. Sure not all my friends do, but Lucas does. My best friend, we have been through thick and thin throughout the years. We grew up on the same street and played together every day. We went to our first football practice together… or should I say soccer like people in the USA call it? We fell in love with the sport together and have practiced together on the same team ever since… until I moved away. We went to soccer camp every year together from the age of 6 till last years… think about it, 10 years of summer camp together. When I doubt myself, he always puts my head on strait. He doesn’t take my bullshit, he calls me out on things and I might not have appreciated it back then, but I really do right now. I miss just being able to walk into his house and sit down on the couch and watch a movie on his big tv just because I feel like it or go grab a kebab with him or watch a good soccer game. Fuck, i even miss calling soccer football. He is like the brother I never had and I miss him so much. I miss all the weekend trips we, the whole group, used to go on, long nights with a fire and everyone getting drunk while me and Lucas just laughed our asses of at how crazy they got when they got drunk. I miss having to be the “dad” in the group, making sure we got everything when going on trips and such, I might be far from the oldest of the group but not to brag, I am the most organized and responsible in the group. Guys, I miss you all endlessly and I really truly hope that this summer we can all gather and do something fun, either in New York or back in Norway.

I have really been struggling emotionally and I don’t know how to deal with it. I´m not good at talking about emotions and as much as I hated it back then, I miss Lucas getting me to in his comfortable way, he never pushed me to explain or tell min anything, he just made sure I knew he was there and somehow it always made me talk. Things in New York move so fast. One day i´m alone wandering the halls searching for my class, the next I got myself a boyfriend… How did that happen? I´m not saying I regret it, cause not in a million years would I ever. He has my heart. He is so kind and caring, beautiful and funny. Elias, my Elias. Hes perfect…. Almost… He has some stuff to deal with…Some stuff I have to deal with as well and it scares me. It really terrifies me. Last time, it made me feel so lost and alone, I don’t know how to help him, what to say and do and how to act. I really want to help, that’s all I want really but I feel like I cant and it scares me. His family is fantastic. As amazing as this relationship of ours is… i´m so scared of him one day saying its over. I don’t know what I would do. I would be totally all alone in this big world. But I cant talk to anyone about that really. Its his thing to talk about, his life. I cant really talk to him about it either… Usually i  would tell Lucas… but I feel like this is something I cant even tell him, or can i? I don’t know how this boyfriend thing works…. In stead I end up in bed googling and making myself more confused by the matter.

Moms daily bible verse and our family drama really hurts. We used to be so close, I used to trust them with everything, tell them everything and we used to do everything together. I don’t get why things have to be like they are between us. Why cant they just accept and move on. I havnt changed other than just growing up a bit. I’m only 16, I still need my parent, I may be living in New York, but I still need my father, I need fatherly advises right now more than ever and I need my moms calming and comforting words. But no, that’s not a possibility. Im not saying they have to be okay with everything I say and do and what I believe in and how I feel, we can have different opinions, but I just need my parents to be there for me. I thought they always wold and it hurts more than anything to know they do not at all. I am completely on my own in a foreign country, everything is foreign and so new.

Most of the time, I just wanna be with Elias all day every day, I don’t really want to leave his side, but then I would just suffocate him, and we would get tired of each other I think. Its not good for a relationship to be with each other 24/7, but I hate being alone. That’s when I think about how tough everything is and that’s when I feel sad and alone. That’s when I miss my parents, my friends, my team, my house, my neighbourhood, and even the crappy store that was always out kvikk lunsj. That’s when I start doubting myself the most and my decisions. That’s when I break down and cry myself to sleep. Or end up whining in my diary like a little bitch. I used to think life was perfect, but turns out, that’s not how it is. Nothing and no one is perfect maybe that’s a good thing… but right now, i´m not a fan. I miss the days of being excited for practice, being excied to go to class and learn with my friends, I miss being smiley all the time without faking it a least bit. I miss my friends calling me out on things and making fun of me, I miss bossing my old team around and them not taking me seriously. I miss the water fights after practice, I miss feeling 16 and dumb and wild. I miss being me.