#I HAVE WANTED THIS SINCE MANIA 39

[luchorgasm]

Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes and Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion Sami Zayn ❤️❤️

[wrestlingisfake]

The Myth of the Casual Fans

I've seen the argument that WWE needed to switch from Roman Reigns vs. Cody Rhodes to Roman vs. The Rock, because the latter match is more appealing to "casual fans." I don't buy it.

First of all, who the hell are "casual fans"? Pro wrestling pundits always bring them up like right-wing US politicians talking about "real America." "Casual fans" don't read dirtsheets. "Casual fans" don't argue about wrestling minutiae on social media. ""Casual fans" haven't paid much attention since the Attitude Era. You can extend this line of reasoning ad absurdum until "casual fans" can't name any wrestlers except for Andre the Giant and Haystacks Calhoun. At some point you're just describing ex-fans, or dead fans.

Second, the goal of a pro wrestling promotion is not simply to expand the fan base, and appeal to the widest possible audience. The goal of a pro wrestling promotion is to draw money. You accomplish that goal by getting people hooked on your product. Drug dealers don't chase the "casual drug users" who can quit any time they want. Shitty mobile games don't target the "casual gamers" who won't spend thousands of dollars on upgrades. Casuals are only profitable insofar as you can convert some of them into addicts, or whales.

Now, WWE has spent the past two years using Cody's return to attract new fans (and maybe lure back some lapsed fans) to turn them into diehards who spend money on tickets and Cody shirts and goofy neck tattoos. This is good for business! They nearly lost those fans by beating Cody at Mania 39, but this "Finish the Story" slogan convinced them to stick with it. Rug-pulling those fans again is going to cost WWE money. This is bad for business.

The fantasy is that cutting Cody off at the knees, to make way for The Rock, will draw so many casual fans that it will totally offset the disgruntled Cody diehards. But how do you retain some of those casuals, and get them to spend money year-round? Rock is a 52-year-old movie star and can't wrestle every week, or even be on the show every month. So this new wave of casuals will need some other big star to latch onto whenever Dwayne's not around. Your choices are to spend years making a new guy, or rehab the guys you have, like Cody. Which means it's stupid to fuck over Cody in the first place!

[buttdawg]

Dwayne

If you can believe Twitter, everyone hates The Rock now. Twitter renamed itself X eight months ago, but the URL is still "twitter.com", so you can't always trust what you hear there.

Still, the impression I get is that WWE fans are upset about this week's TV, where Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson returned and basically usurped Cody Rhodes' WrestleMania 40 match with Roman Reigns. I didn't see this happen, so I don't know the exact details, but the whole thing sounds like a rumor, because fans have been talking about Roman/Rock for years, and they've been talking about Cody/Roman II ever since their last match at WrestleMania 39. Now, it seems like the stars have finally aligned for both matches, so WWE has to pick one or the other.

Some guy on Twitter posted a picture of Rock and Roman staring each other down, and asked users to describe the image in three words. My caption is "business as usual".

WWE's always had trouble making big decisions. In the final years of my viewership, I quit watching Raw and Smackdown because the shows never seemed to matter. Much of the airtime was spent haggling over the PPV matches and speculating over who would fight who. So I just started watching the PPV's only, since those decisions would already be made. Then the James Khahshoggi murder happened, and WWE had to decide whether to go forward with the 2018 Crown Jewel show. It took them three weeks to figure it out, and then they just did the show anyway. I canceled my WWE Network subscription and never looked back. Those who stuck around got to see Crown Jewel 2018, which absolutely sucked, so WWE ended up pleasing no one.

After Vince McMahon stepped down in 2022, there was a renewed optimism about WWE's product, which was dampened by Vince's return in early 2023, but there still seemed to be an improvement in morale. There was a lot of frustration over Cody vs. Roman at Mania 39, because it seemed like Cody was due to "finish the story", but Roman defeated him to retain his title. But at least WWE made a decision. They didn't do some bullshit double-DQ, or a no-contest, or have Hulk Hogan come out to win the title in an impromptu match, or send Seth Rollins out to make it a three-way. They just had Roman beat Cody. The end. Cody will have to try again next time.

That might have been the wrong call, but at least WWE made a call and stuck with it. Roman's record-breaking title reign is kind of incredible for modern WWE. Back when I was watching, everyone knew WWE wanted to book Roman as a top guy, but they kept getting in their own way, spoiling all of his triumphs in a vain effort to set up some bigger triumph that they could never quite get right. Now that's he's finally been established, I can appreciate WWE's reluctance to change the status quo. Roman represents stability.

But now it's starting to look like WWE has the same problem in the opposite direction. One of these days, someone needs to upset Roman to win his title, but they can't seem to decide who that person is, or when it should happen, or how it should happen.

The way I remember it, Rock vs. Roman was something WWE wanted to do for a while now, and it seemed like WrestleMania 39 was a good time to go for it, except the Rock couldn't make it so they had to shelve those plans. So Cody got the spot instead, and fans really got behind that idea. Maybe he should have won the title then, but you could argue that it builds to an even bigger rematch at WrestleMania 40 this way. And that seemed to be the idea, since he won the Royal Rumble. Except this year the Rock seems to be available, so here we are.

The dilemma here is that fans had a whole year to get invested in Cody's quest for a rematch, while the Rock is this super-megastar who only comes around once in a great while. He's 51, so if they don't do this Rock/Roman thing soon, they may never make it happen. Cody will still be around for a while, but it strains credibility to have him chase Roman for three years. It also doesn't make much sense for him to just pass up a title shot at WrestleMania when he has first dibs on it.

Instead, Cody seems to be pivoting to a match with Seth Rollins for the World Heavyweight Championship. This leads to speculation that he might win that match and try to unify the belts or something, but it says a lot that any of this is an option. Over the past twenty-two years, WWE has established two "brands" and two world titles. Sometimes they recombine them, only just just split them off again. These days there's even two nights of WrestleMania, so it shouldn't matter that Rock and Cody are kind of occupying the same spot. There's plenty of main event space for both of them.

And yet, the fans still appear unsatisfied. Cody was going after Roman specifically. He wanted his title. That was the way the story was presented, right until the Rock showed up and then Cody graciously stepped aside.

I think it's that stepping aside that ticks the fans off. It reminds me a lot of when Batista came back in 2014, and fans booed him out of the building because they wanted Daniel Bryan to win the title, not him. And WWE did the smart thing and worked Bryan into the match, but I'm not sure that would work here. In 2014, Batista won the Royal Rumble, and Bryan defeated Triple H to get into the main event. So they each had a claim to challenge for the title. But in 2024, Cody won the Royal Rumble, and he's the guy everyone wanted. What claim does the Rock have to any of this?

I mean, he's a big celebrity, sure, but there's a lot of fans who are too young to remember his heyday. They grew up with the Rock being this guy who comes out sometimes to beat up heels and lead the crowd in silly chants like "Kung Pao Bitch" or "Tofu Anus". Cody's actually on TV every week. I think WWE may have been so starstruck by the Rock that they failed to notice that their active roster has a greater rapport with the fans.

This could all work out in the end. I think the best bet would be to do some Double-Gold Double Dash thing like they did at WrestleKingdom in 2020. Do Rock/Roman and Cody/Seth at Night 1, and then do Cody/Roman in a unification match at Night 2. That ought to please everyone, and maybe WWE's going there, but they can't reveal i yet because the story just started.

But it says a lot to me that they invented all these extra shows and extra titles and extra events just to give themselves wiggle room, but it still feels like threading a needle every time. Everything has to be done a certain, exact way, or we have to scrap everything and wait another year to get it right.

Personally, I'd just have Cody beat Roman at Summerslam and get it over with. WrestleMania is overrated, and they run a dozen other PPV's with the same roster, so just do a big moment at one of them for a change. Not everything has to happen at WrestleMania.

[blueskyerising]

Fantasy Booking WrestleMania 39 & the 4/3/23 Monday Night RAW

Before we get to Part II of how I’d book the Fall of the Bloodline, I thought it’d be appropriate to touch over on how my version of WrestleMania 39 and the post-Mania Raw would go down like, since I only briefly mentioned the main event. It won’t be a complete wholesale change of the two nights, but the changes made will hopefully make sense.

A lot of the changes will be more evident on the post-Mania RAW, which notoriously got a 0.63 rating on Cagematch and was plagued by being changed wholesale by Vince McMahon. Again, my version of things

Night 1

- John Cena def. Austin Theory to win the US Championship: this result would set up something for Cena on the post-WM Raw (which I’ll discuss later) and push Theory into accepting the open challenge for the Undisputed WWE Universal Championship that I mentioned in Part I of the Fall of the Bloodline booking.

- Street Profits def. Viking Raiders, Alpha Academy, & Ricochet/Braun Strowman: basically plays out the same as it did in real life.

- Seth F. Rollins def. Logan Paul: ditto with this match, though Seth gets the win after he does the tree of woe Stomp.

- Damage CTRL def. Becky Lynch, Lita, & Trish Stratus: The heels win here largely due to Becky accidentally hitting Trish, leading to her getting pinned. No heel turn from Trish just yet.

- We get a backstage segment with the Usos and Paul Heyman. Jimmy and Jey want to take care of the Sami & KO “problem” on their own and refuse to let Heyman or Solo Sikoa accompany them for a match.

- Dominik Mysterio def. Rey Mysterio: I love the idea of Dom winning this match, just so he can have something to brag about over his dad. Some cheating and interference from Damian Priest is how that happens. Then, after the match, Dom & Priest look to continue beating down Rey, but Bad Bunny steps in to stop the attack. 

- Rhea Ripley def. Charlotte Flair to win the SmackDown Women’s Championship: the actual match was one of my favorites of the weekend so it just pretty much stays as-is, untouched in the fantasy booking.

- Pat McAfee def. The Miz short and sweet. No changes.

- Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens def. The Usos to become the Undisputed Tag Team Champions: Again, this plays out the same way as it did in real life.

Night 2

- Brock Lesnar def. Omos: Remains the same.

- Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez win the Women’s Tag Team Showcase: Liv ends up getting the win after she counters an attempted Ronda Rousey armbar into a surprise crucifix pin.

- Backstage, Roman Reigns & Paul Heyman are with Solo Sikoa, having tasked him to accompany his Tribal Chief for the main event later. It’s briefly mentioned that the Usos haven’t arrived at the arena yet in the wake of their loss last night.

- Gunther def. Sheamus & Drew McIntyre to retain Intercontinental Championship: Another of my favorite matches in the actual WrestleMania 39, so you can’t really change things.

- Bianca Belair def. Asuka to retain Raw Women’s Championship: I was strongly tempted to change the result here, but the story about the young contortionist from Bianca’s entrance having lost her mother the day before would make things seem like bad optics if Bianca lost. That said, I’d still have Bianca win here, but in a way to help set up a rematch. She never hits the K.O.D. successfully on Asuka, and the win comes after Bianca reverses the Asuka Lock into a pinfall win.

- Instead of the whole Miz/Snoop Dogg/Shane McMahon fiasco. We instead get LA Knight appearing and talking about how he’s mad that WWE would dare have an LA WrestleMania without LA Knight. Bobby Lashley shows up and we get an impromptu match that Lashley wins.

- Finn Balor def. Edge in Hell in a Cell: It’s hard to book around an injury that happens during the match -- in this case, Finn Balor suffering a rather painful injury after a wrongly-placed ladder shot in the real match. That said, the finish here would see Damian Priest sneak in the cell as one of the “medics” as he helps Finn get the big victory.

- Cody Rhodes def. Roman Reigns: I went into great detail about how this match goes down in Part I of the Fall of the Bloodline booking, which you can read here.

RAW after WrestleMania (April 3rd)

Hour One

- The show opens with Triple H’s address, announcing that the WWE Draft will be coming next month. He then introduces the new Undisputed WWE Universal Champion, Cody Rhodes. The new champ cuts a promo about how he finished the story and how he wants to proudly represent WWE as its new top champion. That’s why he’s holding an open challenge tonight to see if anyone can beat him. It’s answered by Austin Theory and that’s your main event.

- Match 1: Asuka vs. Mia Yim: Just a fun opener match to re-establish Asuka as a threat after her Mania loss. She wins, but it’s not the end of her night yet...

- In the Bloodline’s locker room, we see Paul Heyman talking to the Usos and Solo Sikoa. This is where we first hear Roman Reigns has gone on a bit of a sabbatical and has essentially left Heyman in “charge”. Heyman says that while the weekend for the Bloodline was a nightmare, the Tribal Chief isn’t angry about it. He tells the Usos and Solo that they just need to take care of some things real soon.

- Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens bask in the celebrations of the RAW after Mania crowd cheering them on after their big championship win. Chad Gable & Otis interrupt, which Sami & KO see as a sign that they want a fight, so we get ourselves a match...

- Match 2: Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens vs. Alpha Academy: Sami & KO get the victory in a great 10 minute match, as this and Asuka/Mia Yim take advantage of hour one of RAW being commercial free. During the match, we see the Usos watching from the crowd, clearly not done with Sami & KO just yet...

Hour Two

- New U.S. Champion John Cena enters the ring and discusses how he taught Austin Theory a little bit of respect at WrestleMania and that he’s ready to take on all comers as the U.S. Champ. Enter Bron Breakker, who accepts Cena’s challenge. It should be noted that Bron is showing some heel tendencies here, which will continue on NXT the next night, when he attacks Carmelo Hayes. As for Raw...

- Match 3: Bron Breakker def. John Cena to win the U.S. Championship: I know what you’re thinking. A sudden title change seems too abrupt, but newly-turned Bron taking the U.S. Title with a dominant showing, then parlaying that into continuing his feud with Carmelo Hayes before graduating to the main roster proper would make for fun stuff.

- Match 4: Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez vs. Carmella & Chelsea Green: the first of four women’s tag team contenders qualifiers. Liv & Raquel win, setting up a match with the winner of one of the other two women’s tag matches on SmackDown.

- Raw Women’s Champion Bianca Belair addresses the crowd about her hard fought title retention at WrestleMania. She says she’s ready for a new challenge, but that’s when Asuka catches her by surprise and sprays her with the green mist! It’s clear that Asuka is far from done w/ Bianca and this leads to a rematch for the Raw Women’s Title at Backlash.

- Becky Lynch and Lita are being interviewed backstage as they try to brush over the little miscommunication between Becky and Trish Stratus at WrestleMania. They talk about how they’re ready to face whoever wins the women’s tag team contender’s tournament, as Trish just walks off without saying a word.

- Match 5: Damage CTRL vs. Shotzi & Natalya: The second of the four women’s tag team contenders matches. Dakota & IYO Sky win this one.

Hour Three

- Seth Rollins is out in the ring to celebrate his win over Logan Paul. He talks about how he’s the best wrestler there is and that Logan Paul now knows how it feels to be on the business end of a Stomp. That’s when he’s interrupted by Grayson Waller from NXT. Waller takes exceptions to Seth’s bragging and notes that Logan Paul was a personal friend of his. We get a tense staredown, but Waller backs off, stating that he’ll fight Rollins on his time. Seth ends the segment by getting the fans to serenade Waller with his favorite song in the entire world. Waller leaves in a huff, plugging his ears to drown out the fans singing Seth’s theme.

- Match 6: Damien Priest vs. Rey Mysterio: Rey wins with a 619, but after the match, Dominik Mysterio gets into Bad Bunny’s face at ringside, sparking an altercation. Judgment Day get the upperhand, as Priest chokeslams Bad Bunny through the announce table.

- It’s announced after this that at Backlash, Dominik & Priest will fight Rey Mysterio & Bad Bunny in a special tag team match.

- The whole Bobby Lashley/Bronson Reed/Mustafa Ali segment happens here, which leads us to...

- Match 7: Bobby Lashley vs. Mustafa Ali: Lashley wins this match, obviously. But after the match, Bronson Reed blindsides Lashley and beats him down for a bit before Lashley fights back. Bronson manages to avoid a Spear and cooly backs up the ramp, simply laughing and clearly not thinking much of his new foe.

- The Miz complains about how his weekend turned out at WrestleMania. He’s sick of the surprises, and that’s when he’s interrupted by a returning Randy Orton. He flattens Miz with an RKO. 

- Main Event: Cody Rhodes def. Austin Theory to retain the Undisputed WWE Universal Championship: Standard TV main event with Theory looking to make a name for himself after the biggest loss of his career at Mania night 1. Goes about 15-20 minutes (plus commercial break) w/ Cody retaining via Cross Rhodes. RAW concludes with Cody celebrating, as we can see Solo Sikoa watching the match backstage, flanked by Paul Heyman.

Conclusion

And that’s basically my version of WrestleMania 39 and the RAW After Mania to set up how things go down in the Fall of the Bloodline. Part II of that fantasy booking will be coming soon.

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (334): Mon 13th Feb 2023

One more shift until I get three days off. I love this job but I don’t know if I could do this if it was a 9-5. I need a full three days to recover from the strain and boredom of backing hundreds if not thousands of items into boxes for 40 hours a week while shitty music is forced into my ear canals. If I only had two days to recover from this shit then I’d be in a bad mood all the time. Interestingly enough when I worked at TSB they surveyed us and asked whether we’d be interested in switching to a four day work week and I said absolutely fucking not. 10 hours (minus two 30 minute breaks) of standing in one spot and silently packing items into boxes I could definitely do but 10 hours (minus one hour lunch and two fifteen minute breaks) of talking to shitheads on the phone, go fuck your Dad! Even though it would be less work the type of work in the TSB job is WAY worse than in the factory (also those fifteen minute breaks felt more like fifteen second breaks). I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since I left that shithole and frankly I’m not sure how I lasted six months there without ramming my head through a computer screen. Since I did a month of training, two weeks on holiday, a week off with COVID and ten days off the phones because their systems stopped working because the tech team are really incompetent, this means that I only really spent four months talking to dickheads on the phone but it was still way too much. I still regret not writing down the names and numbers of the arsehole callers I got so that when I go on trips away I could use public telephones to prank call them in the middle of the night to get back at them for talking to me like a piece of shit.

Six weeks until WrestleMania! Man I’m so fucking excited. For a while it seemed like I would never get there and now it’s so close. Next week I’ll go to the town and get my money changed over to dollars (or whatever currency Biden changes it to in the time between now and the trip. Hell the guy’s so senile he may pass a law ruling that people have to pay for stuff with underpants…although that would make buying underpants tricky). I might prepare for WrestleMania 39 by watching every single WrestleMania to get myself in the spirit of things. It also means that I’m going to have to start watching Raw and Smackdown again so that I’ll be up to speed on the storylines going into the show…urgh. I know that the Rumble and Mania still deliver but the stuff on Raw and Smackdown that isn’t Roman Reigns and Sami Zayn is just abysmal. Personally I think WWE are making a big mistake by going with Cody Rhodes being the guy to face Roman at Mania (unless he loses which he should in which case I’m fine with it). Rhodes did a good job last year of garnering fan support and establishing himself as a top babyface but it hasn’t been enough to warrant him being the one to dethrone Reigns. The person to take the belt off of Reigns should do so as the culmination of a lengthy storyline, not just because they won the Rumble. Sami Zayn is far and away the more logical choice to face Reigns at Mania, though I don’t think he should win either as it will be much more effective if they have him lose this year, have Reigns title run go over the 1000 day mark and then have Sami defeat him at Mania 40. Speaking of WWE pay per views I think next year I’m going to pull the trigger on the Royal Rumble too, although the location for the show hasn’t been decided yet. The great thing about my Mania trip is that i will be able to cross this item as well as visiting California and seeing the LA Lakers off my bucket list. Therefore I’m hoping that the Rumble will be located in a state that will allow me to cross off additional items. I’ve always wanted to visit New Orleans so having the Rumble there would be handy. I also want to see Edgar Allan Poe’s grave and the house he lived in which are both in Baltimore so hopefully they might announce this as the site of the show.

[thewisemankey]

OH BOY, AM I GONNA ENJOY THIS. *cracks fingers*

Who to make Champion: Really wish Shinsuke Nakamura was among the choices there because he should have been champ ages ago and/or right now. Same for Finn Balor. But going by the options, I'll say Cody Rhodes, since he SHOULD have won back at Mania 39.

Who to hire: They ALL should be hired, honestly. (Well, MJF maybe not so much.) Especially the ones who were previously fired. Throw in Kairi Sane while I'm at it. BUT out of the group I'm going with Kenny Omega, hands down. Only if he was allowed to do whatever he wants on the mic and in the ring, of course.

Who to fire: First off, Kevin Owens and Finn Balor should definitely NOT be in that group, what's the major malfunction with the person who originally made this? Second, Roman Reigns should be an option because the AntiChrist of Wrestling is already giving the company a slow, cancerous death and needs immediate removal like a tumor. Rants aside, I -want- to say Austin Theory because I don't see him as the bright star everyone makes him out to be, unless perhaps he shaved that ugly-ass mustache of his. HOWEVER, I'd be rid of Logan Paul. I've not forgotten that shitty stunt of his in Japan and I never will forgive him for that.

Okay followers and go 

Seth Champion for sure

Omega

Paul 

[marlasomething]

(my) Mag a Week: Crumbling Concert

Hello there!

I am participating in the "a mag a day" idea by @a-mag-a-day which is BRILLIANT and I decided to do "statement a week", rolling dice with the characters and fears that were ftw that week in the episodes I have listened.

For today I rolled Archivist!Grifter's Bone (don't judge me, the dices SPOKE) and The Desolation (Eps. 39-43).

As usual, please do forgive my quick tipper and non-native speaker mistakes, Marla

Allons-y!

CW: Martin's mom A+ parenting, death and murder, corruption of the soul, Desolation Fear Domain, mentions of parental neglec and illness

Also on AO3!

 Fellow musicians, dear fans, naïve newcomers…Welcome all to our first and last concert in the City of Lights!

 We are Grifter’s Bone and we are very pleased indeed to be able to tell you the story of two lovers we have… observed very closely in recent times and how its downfall came to be.

 The end is near, are you ready to face your fears?

Martin Blackwood had always lived in the shadow of his mother. Not because she was someone especially relevant and (or) remarkable in any aspect imaginable, but because she managed to control and manipulate him at her will with the sole power of verbal violence and their unbalanced interpersonal dynamics.

She constantly insisted she didn’t truly need him, corrupting his soul by making him feel extremely useful while blaming on him even the slightest of mishaps, magnifying them up to the point he began to question whether he had genuinely made an unwilling mistake or if part of him truly wanted to hurt his mother.

 So he stayed, and stayed, trying to find a love that had never been there. Pretending comments about his body where just misguided worry, the ones about his lack of occupation a badly put critic on their country’s lack of jobs and the ones that were so bitterly yelled that some words were not even discernible…just due to her illness.

Because, apart from a terrible person, Martin Blackwood’s mother was physically sick. Some might argue (and not without reason) that it was partially her fault, since she had refused to go to a doctor for her entire adult life (likely the reason our hero had always walked with a discreet limp, since her mania had been forced since birth into her offspring). However, Martin would never see it that way (he’d rather have a nice lie), so he just worried more and more about her.

To receive nothing but harm, harm so intense he felt his own foundations burn to the ground (once or twice a bit more literally than he would have liked, but that’s a story for another day).

Before his nineteenth birthday, as much as his life was rather intolerable, that rather was still a major component of said definition (there were still some salvable elements in there). Then, thanks to the magic of self-discovering and externally-supplied testosterone, Martin started to look more and more like a paler, ever so slightly sickly (thanks to his absolutely lack of any money that didn’t go towards his mother’s well-being) version of his father. Alas, his mother became even more of a monster in whatever was referred to her only son.

It didn’t work as you might think, though, for this only made Martin tried harder with her; reaching the point to convince himself the one time he almost asphyxiated due to someone leaving a fire burning in the leaving room with the door opened just so the heavily poisonous smoke would reach the inside of his bedroom had been just a silly accident.

No matter how much he cried, how much everything inside him stop working properly due to the sheer disgust shown by her, no matter how much he took care of her for absolutely nothing but harmful comments…he forced himself to still believe, deep inside, she loved him just as much as he should…as he did.

Then, he met Jonny-boy.

He would have hated being called so, good thing he is pushing daisies now. Jonathan Sims was a journalist and editor who sort of hated open-mics and, still, got to go to one rather frequently due to his position on a quite poorly managed local paper.

 The first step on the way my future career.

Now, Jon had also a lot of self-denial deep inside of him and toxic cicling behaviours he created for himself, but those are topics for another day. The point, though, in this story is how he managed to meet Martin in one of these open-mics and…almost murdered him.

His poetry was bad, his manners too distant yet too sweet for his taste and he managed to feel incompetent even in holding a meat fork. And Jon wasn’t one of those people who keep things for themselves. So he told Martin all of these opinions and more.

However, as the murderous desires decreased, they found each other enjoying their new-found friend companionship.

As time went by, their friendship evolve into something more, something they were almost ready to put a name to. Something that was healing both of them. Martin’s eyes now revealed that the building within them was starting to be rebuilt, the chaos far gone. There was no more destruction; just growth, just hope.

His mother, obviously, noticed how her fiery comments, how her smashing remarks left almost no mark on her son, on her caretaker, on her only connection to the Real World as her health state worsened and going out had become an impossible tact.

What’s more, Martin had started neglecting her. Only in very small, almost unnoticeable details but, compared to the perfectly arranged life he had always made for her, it was a rather huge change. Especially since now she had no option but to admit that Martin’s care was actually extremely valuable to her.

She might have survived all this, maybe even made it feasible for Martin to pay another person to take care of her partially without the not-so-silent-threat of trying to destroy them as people in the process.

Still, it was something her pride could simply not let go.

The next time she tried to throw down Martin, after he had decided to try and bake something for him and Jon with zero experience on the matter, he just smiled sadly and said he simply just hoped she would one day understand her hatred was a one-way street (not as he still believed, deep inside, their fraternal love was).

She could almost hear the lack of crumbling down inner-constructions. It made no sense! Martin was a weakling, not any different for what his father had been, and the later had lasted barely a decade living with her before he was nothing but human-shaped ashes.

Just as she had always wished that being to end.

Therefore, she decided that, if the insides of Martin Blackwood could not be broken, his outsides would.

That is why, one night Martin and Jon were dreaming with a world in which worms were even deadlier than in ours, holding so tight to each other that they had become one unique creature, she took a lighter with her and, thinking about how Martin was nothing but a burden thrown to her, she threw it switched on at the door and, against all laws of nature, it ignited the whole building.

When the fire finally died, there was only one survivor.

Martin Blackwood woke up to the ashes of who had been the love of his life (in every universe) and, just as far as he believed the entryway was, her mother’s corpse.

His skin was untouched and he began weeping tears so hot a sauna would be jealous. Those tears corroded his skin, leaving two perpendicular scars at each side of his face.

His mother had spent her entire existence trying to throw him down, to make him become nothing but the rubble of a person she reckoned shouldn’t have existed in the first place.

Now, she was gone and there was nothing for him but to prove his mother wrong, to deny in the biggest measure possible the uselessness she had always attributed him. And he knew the way to do it, appealing to a very special part of myself. The one only Jon had managed to temporarily shut down: he wasn’t the one to be broken anymore; he was the one to break everything.

 And so it concludes the tale of how Martin Blackwood came to be feared as no-one since Saint Agnes had been. We would love to stay but, as you are well aware, we must go in the look of more stories to archive just to show to audiences as loyal and kind as you.

 Now, remember, the lighters are at the entrance.

 Make good use of them.

 SUPPLEMENTAL. Stope hiding, for fucks shake! We have noticed you. Yes, you. The one currently listening to our lyrics and somehow being unaffected by them. None of us is certain of why that is but, mark our words: we will find whatever cursed book is helping you out and feed it to our audiences.

[labelma]

39, 44, 63 please? ❤️

Thank you! ☺️

39: What’s an idea for a fic that you’re excited about, but haven’t had the chance to write yet?

So one thing you should know about me is I love listening to the podcast Stuff You Should Know and that I have my best fic ideas while hiking. So last October it was the first day of the year cool enough to go outside for long periods of time and I went on a lovely hike. I was listening to an SYSK podcast about bipolar disorder and I was thinking about how even though I don’t have bipolar disorder, I can relate to a lot of the symptoms because my migraines sometimes give me weird mood swings and I can’t always trust my own emotions because they might not be real, they could be a symptom of an oncoming migraine. Which got me thinking that just because Mickey doesn’t have Ian’s same disorder, he is still an empathetic person who most definitely relate’s to Ian in some ways. So I had this idea for a fic where Ian experiences a mixed episode, an episode with all the energy of mania, but all the emotions of a depressive episode which would be a new and stressful experience for him, and Mickey, his amazing husband helps him through it. Of course Ian rejects the help at first but eventually relents because he loves his husband so much, and realizes Mickey only wants to take care of him. But since I had this idea last October I CLEARLY have no idea how to actually write it. It’ll happen eventually though! It will!

44: What are some of your favorite tropes?

Y’all already know the answer to this, I absolutely lose my mind for “encounters with the ex” fics, as well as any fic written from an outsider perspective. I love these fics so much, they’re like crack to my little brain. And this is something that extends to every fandom I’ve ever been in, something about my main ship being perceived by others just scratches that itch so perfectly.

I also love mutual unrequited pining. It drives me crazy and I love it at the same time.

63: What canon Ian and Mickey moments (together or individually) do you think are under-explored?

Hmm I had to think about this one for a while. I think the fandom likes to kind of collectively ignore seasons 6-9 (except for you know, the good stuff like Ian becoming an EMT), but something about the fact that Ian and Mickey literally never stopped loving each other, even if they tried really hard to, and pushed their feelings down so deep they may have forgotten they were even there in the first place, just really gets to me. Like this is all something we know, but I think it’s a little under-explored how those feelings never disappeared. Ian and Mickey are each other’s one and only love, and I am OBSESSED with that. I have a gallavich playlist on Spotify with like 250 songs, and a good portion of them are there because they make me think of seasons 6-9 Ian and Mickey.

Also I’m not sure this is under-explored but I do like to talk about it; the fact that the reintroduction of Mickey back into Shameless gave Ian the most consistent story arc of any character on the show. With Mickey back in the picture, Ian’s story becomes about a boy learning to love, and let himself be loved even in the face of a pretty intense mental illness. We all know Shameless isn’t exactly known for its excellent story-telling, but I think it’s a little underrated just how amazing Ian and Mickey’s story is. Like it really is a great story, despite like, everything.

[untoldblisses]

20 questions

I was tagged by the ever so lovely @sielustaja, thank you as always.

1. What do you prefer to be called namewise? Anika. This is my real name. Don’t try to track me down unless you wanna hold hands.

2. When is your birthday? October 29th

3. Where do you live? Germany

4. Three things you are doing right now? I’m just filling out this questionaire. I don’t like doing multiple things simultaneously.

5. Four fandoms that have peaked your interest? Supernatural, Hannibal, Doctor Who, Good Omens

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? Occasional feelings of loneliness and annoyance put aside, not too badly actually. No one I know personally had to be hospitalised, no deaths, my super secure job was never in danger, so I guess compared to a lot of other people I can count myself really lucky.

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now? Yesterday morning while brushing my teeth I suddenly remembered the song “...but home is nowhere” by AFI which I probably hadn’t listened to in 10 years but have listened to about 25 times since.

8. Recommend a movie.  Oh I don’t know. The Sound of Metal. Roma. The Florida Project. I haven’t really watched a lot of movies lately.

9. How old are you? 39, can you believe it? I personally can’t.

10. School, university, occupation, other? Public sector employee. Sitting at a desk all day. Boring.

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? I prefer a nice 24°C but if I had to choose between extreme heat or extreme cold, probably cold.

12. Name one fact others may not know about you. I honestly can’t think of anything interesting.

13. Are you shy? Hm. Sometimes. It very much depends on my mood or the mental state I’m in. As a child and teenager and way into my twenties I was very shy. These days I don’t really consider myself shy anymore. Quiet, sure. Socially awkward and insecure in some situations? Definitely. But shy, no, not really. However, sometimes I slip into a mindset where my “inner child” takes over and then I am convinced that I am shy and weird and unlikeable and as a result I then act as if I were shy, if that makes any sense? But when I am in a good mood or going through a more “manic” episode (it’s not really mania more like how a normal person feels I guess haha) then I’m not shy.

14. Preferred pronouns? She/her or they/them.

15. Biggest pet peeves? People walking really slowly in front of me in the middle of the sidewalk, strangers who don’t know about the concept of personal space, talking shit about/making fun of people behind their backs (even if it’s just strangers that will never know about it or even celebrities), people who think they are better than others

16. What is your favourite “dere” type? I have not the slightest idea what this means. I only know deer 🦌

17. Rate your life from 1-10. I’d say 7.

18. What’s your main blog? @speedingintonowhere

19. List your sideblogs and what they’re used for. Well, this is obviously a side blog though I wish it weren’t. Then there’s @iwanttogotoiceland where, you guessed it, I (very rarely these days) reblog pictures of Iceland. And then there’s @collectinglemons where I reblog some adult stuff that a) I don’t want to bother my regular followers with who definitely didn’t ask for that kind of content and b) I am afraid I might get flagged for. Eh. Feel free to follow me on there though if you like.

20. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? Just let yourself be suprised :)))

Yeah, you know how I feel about tagging but anyway: @tenok @vintagedean @amill22 @musicheartbeat @cassandraleeds (feel free to ignore though 💙) and anyone who wants to do it (please tag me if you do)

[novantinuum]

Writer tag game

Tagged by @parallelmarvel (OMG I looked at your AO3 and realized I see you in my comments all the time and you wrote the fic with all the letters sent to Greg’s parents and aUGH hello :O)

Author Name: Novantinuum

Fandom(s) you write for: Steven Universe, Gravity Falls, Doctor Who, Tales of Arcadia

Where you post: AO3, crossposted to tumblr.

Most popular one-shot: Shattering Atlas. (SU corrupted Steven theory fic I posted back last October. Please heed those tags, ahah.)

Most popular multi-chapter: Hollowed Moon, by far. (Good lord I need to get back to that.) That fucker has over 2500 kudos, and I don’t know how, because it’s not even over 9K words. I blame September’s Spinel mania. XD

Favorite story you wrote: Oh god... in terms of writing? I’m still super fond of The Hybrid in the Hourglass. It’s a super niche ship fic for Doctor Who, so most followers here probably don’t have much interest, but I’m still super happy with a lot of the descriptive work in it.

Story you were nervous to post: Shattering Atlas, since it is incredibly dark, and I was unsure how that would be received by my audience. 

Also, I was a little hesitant at posting another Doctor Who fic, Loving the Sunset, because it contained (albeit super wrapped up in metaphoric description) the first and at the moment only love making scene I’ve ever written.

How do you choose your titles? I either pick a meaningful word straight outta the text of the work, scour through song titles/lyrics, or cry for three hours as I string phrases together until I find something that sounds good. Titling is my least favorite part of writing stories. I am currently attempting to title something as we speak, and it’s not a fun time. Rip my brain.

How many of your stories are complete? 39 on my AO3. I have an additional 18 on my ancient ff.net account that are also complete. One of them is actually a 132K word longfic! (I, however, will not be crossposting those to AO3 because the writing is far below my current standards.)

In progress: 

Crack the Paragon (my current SU longfic project)

Contact (multichap wherein Steven’s gem gets cracked, whoops.)

Hollowed Moon

Taste of Ordinary (an old SU WIP that only has one chapter out, but I’ve recently decided I want to pick it back up.)

Coming soon: 

Uhhh, I have a ficlet with Garnet and Rose and an egg? I might post that tomorrow. Everything else is at various stages of progress, but definitely not far enough along to be claimed as coming “soon.” I work slow, unfortunately. The woes of mental illness.

Upcoming story you’re most excited to write: I will always be excited to make more progress on Crack the Paragon, because I desperately want to get to a number of scenes in the chapters to come.

Now if I can only... turn that excitement... into will to write... ;D;

Do you accept prompts? Not at the moment, no. 

Top five favorite authors: 

AbelQuartz writes the most immersive stuff and uwu ;w;

hueue’s (spooksier) AUs slap

infriga’s Aid To Navigation has me g l u e d to my screen

fanfoolishness writes consistently stunning stuff a a aaaa 

loveluckylost writes the Best Lars, no question

Tagging: all y’all I cried about above, if you ever want a fun writing meme to do, @infriga, @abel-quartz, @fanfoolishness, @loveluckylost, @spooksier

[naivesilver]

31, 56, 19, 78, 20, 16, 11, 12 , 10, 4, 1, 21, 36, 39. Sorry if this is too many 😅

Guys it’s NEVER too many you’re giving me the chance to talk nonstop about Sonic it’s the best thing that’s happened to me in days

also I had planned to answer them in the order you asked for but it was driving me crazy so I sorted them out thematically sorry alfhjkhljshja

I answered 1 here!

100 Sonic Questions

21.) Tell us a funny Sonic-related story.

This one comes from the depths of my very first months as a Sonic fan. Basically, I had watched Sonic X upon its first Italian release as a very very smol bean. By the time I got obsessed again in middle school, though, I had forgotten everything about it except a few shots from the Italian opening theme and ONE scene from a season three episode, where Sonic and Knuckles played chess on a spaceship and then Sonic began running around and fell into space.

The “friend” that had introduced me to the show again (not a nice person and source of about 25% of my trauma, I’m glad to say I haven’t seen her in years) didn’t believe me and accused me of lying. Repeatedly. Unkindly. For months. How could such a stupid scene be in such an amazing cartoon? I must be trying to fuck with her.

Fast forward to the end of the year. I’m minding my business and I see a Facebook message from this friend, and another, and another. I click on it wondering what she’d be going ham over, and BAM. This girl had been watching Sonic AMVs on Youtube and had caught a glimpse of that scene at the beginning of a video and was fucking losing it over the fact that WOW, I HAD BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH ALL ALONG?!

Now, you have to understand that I wasn’t the kind of kid that swore, back then. I had been brought up to think that swear words would send you to hell straight away. And while not a delicate little flower, I was much, much cuter and more proper than I am now because I couldn’t live out my butch dreams quite yet. But I needed to express all the frustration gathered in those months.

So please imagine this baby-faced, straight A student 13yo wait for her friend in front of their school and bellow at the top of her lungs “BITCH, WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU?”

I still remember that scene fondly, though.

31.) Tell us a Sonic-related story that will give us feels.

Related to the experience I just mentioned, the problem I had in my first years in this fandom was that this person who had dragged me into it was obsessed with the thought that people would mock us for it. She said it was for kids, and when she got over it she gave me shit for clinging to my passion while she’d “grown up”, and she had me enjoy Sonic in secret and yelled at me for saying anything even vaguely related out loud where other people could hear us.

It got into my head so much that for a long long time I didn’t dare share anything Sonic-adjacent on any social media, long past when I’d broke away from her. I thought no one would ever take me seriously again. I felt ashamed a lot.

It got better, though. Slowly, I broke out of my shell and started interacting with this amazing fandom, and I found lots of people who didn’t give a damn about what the world thought of their passion. And I know tons of wonderful people outside the fandom, too, friends who encourage me to talk about Sonic even though they don’t know anything about it. Chats where any mention of Sonic has someone saying “wait we must tag naivesilver into this she’ll love it”. It’s - it warms my heart every day. Tumblr is a shithole, but it helped me in feeling free to do what I love in the fandom that I love most.

Thank you. To everyone that got me through that, thank you. You have no idea how helpful you’ve been to me.

19.) Favorite soundtrack

KNOCK KNOCK IT’S FUCKING KNUCKLES

20.) Least favorite soundtrack?

None I think???? There are some I don't listen to much, either because I haven't played the game or I just don't vibe with them, but there isn't any song that I particularly dislike. Almost all of them are genuine bops.

16.) (if you read fanfic) What are some fic tropes you love? Ones you hate?

FOUND FAMILY!!! Adoptive parents, siblings, friends taking care of each other, I want a shitton of fluff in my life. And kid!fic. I could read (and write!) kid!fic every day for the rest of my life and never get tired of it. That's why I enjoy Chaotix and Sonic Movie fics so much. Let's raise them boys well.

As for hating...I don't like high school AUs lmao I wrote one when I was younger but I never dared touch it again and I haven't read any Sonic one since 2014 at most. And most time travel fics. Sorry, Silver, I love you a fucking lot but time travel shenanigans are only funny in the two or three specific settings my mind lets me enjoy.

11.) Top five stages.

In no particular order:

-Press Garden (Mania)

-Casinopolis (Adventure)

-Casino Forest (Forces)

-Studiopolis (Mania)

Anddddd I haven't played much else so I'll have to get back to you on this ajshfkjfahlljha

12.) Worst five stages.

-IMPERIAL TOWER

-IMPERIAL TOWER

-Jesus Christ I died 78 times in that stage alone

-I'm bad at being fast and not falling off stuff and it required me to do both at the same time

-Also the Shadow DLC levels. Fuck me up a bit more will you

56.) In your opinion, what’s the weirdest thing any character has ever said?

I'm a simple girl, I see this panel and I lose my shit

10.) What do you like best about your favorite animated adaptation?

I only finished my Sonic X rewatch yesterday and I’ve been meaning to make some final comments about it (tho it’d probably be me rambling at thin air bc I doubt I can say anything that hasn’t been already said over and over and over) but the most compelling thing for me is and always will be the music.

Don’t get me wrong, what I’ve seen of the OG Japanese version had wonderful, heartfelt music, but the upbeat themes I grew up with still have me vibing day in and day out. I can dance to the Italian opening sequence at any given moment - no, you know what, here it is. Watch it and feel the serotonin drip into your veins.

(Some people will come at me for this, but I didn’t watch this show in 2019-2020 to make an in-depth analysis about it. I did it to have a dance off while Knuckles beat up some robots.)

78.) Post a scene that always gives you feels.

Sonic 06:

13yo me about to see her first ship torn apart:

4.) The last Sonic game you played is now your life. How awesome is this adventure gonna be?

Sonic Adventure - which means it’s a pretty cool life, unless it runs like SA does on my laptop and it turns slow and glitchy and grinds on my nerves even more

36.) C’mon now. How many ships do you have? :P

A FUCKING LOT my main ones are silvaze, vecpio and sonadow but I have many medium or small ones that I enjoy finding content for, like tikaze or knouge

39.) Which game is your golden standard?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m not the greatest game fan as in I’ve only been actively playing for the past 2/3 years. Before that it was just gameplays on Youtube, so you should not take my opinion into any account since it’s not very informed.

However there was something about Sonic and the Black Knight that just felt...new? Peculiar? I know jack shit about the technical side of gaming but I remember being extremely pumped every time I logged in to see more of it. I'd like to feel that again, when a new game drops.

[closetofanxiety]

Mania Madness: In Queens With Queens Quest

Wrestlemania was in New York this year (well, New Jersey, but you know what they mean), and since I live about two and a half hours away, I felt like I would be failing in my duties as a wrestling fan if I didn’t attend some of the related events. Make no mistake: I did not want to go to Wrestlemania itself, as the idea of sitting in a football stadium and squinting at a faraway shape that might be Buddy Murphy in the springtime chill is not high on my bucket list. But there were lots of other things to do, and I did very few of them! I did go to see the Stardom show in Queens and to WrestleCon in Manhattan, though, and herewith are my observations, jotted down for posterity and, hopefully, your amusement and/or edification:

FRIDAY

I think this is only the second time Stardom has run a show in the U.S., and it’s definitely the first time they’ve done it amidst the surge of popularity they’ve experienced in the GIF era. Although going to visit Hakujinjoe in Tokyo is a goal towards which I am even now socking away money, there’s no guarantee that I’ll ever actually get to see Stardom in Japan, and so this was the must-see event of the weekend for me.

This anticipation was accompanied by two apprehensions: First, my nature reluctance to drive in New York City, even in the outer boroughs. I live in the woods, and your city ways frighten and confuse me. Second, based on many of the US joshi fans I have encountered online, I worried this crowd would basically be a giant convention for creepers, perverts, rageaholic gatekeepers, scam artists peddling $300 autographed gravure DVDs, and people who seem to have only a dim understanding that the characters portrayed in the ring are not, in fact, identical with the women portraying them. Listen: I am not exactly Cary Grant when it comes to wit and charm, and just being an American who watches Japanese women’s wrestling puts me among a tiny percentage of hardcore nerds, so I hope this doesn’t come off as haughty. But there are good nerds, and then there are the nerds we encounter online way too often.

The first apprehension turned out to be baseless, as I got to Queens with plenty of time to spare and, like most joshi fans, headed over to the Rufus King Homestead on Jamaica Avenue for a tour of the mansion once owned by the fiery antislavery advocate and signatory to the Constitution. OK, so I was the only joshi fan who toured the Rufus King Homestead (in fact, I was the only person, period; Rufus does not get much love), but I still learned a lot. Rufus King used to loan money at exorbitant rates to local farmers who owned slaves, and when they couldn’t pay him back, he’d accept the enslaved people as collateral, only to immediatly free them. Rufus King, Loan Shark For Justice!

It turns out the second apprehension was also baseles, because the crowd turned out to be full of awesome people. Really friendly, outgoing, and super enthusiastic nerds, the best kind of nerd, really. The dominant attitude was not, “Oh you like Stardom? Name five of their faction drafts” but “I can’t believe we all get to see this awesome show together.” It was also, by a country mile, the most diverse indie wrestling crowd I’ve been part of, and about 35-40 percent of the people in attendance were women, which really made the whole experience better. I’m not saying everyone was awesome, but it was definitely a fun group of people to be part of for an afternoon. I am ashamed that I assumed it would be full of unbearable dweebs.

So, that out of the way, here’s the highlights of the show, in the time-honored spaghetti Western sytem of categorization:

THE GOOD

Momo Watanabe vs. Utami Hayashishita: Easily the match of the day, and one of the best matches I’ve seen all year. The Queen’s Quest teammates were batling for Momo’s Wonder of Stardom title, which she won from the departing Io Shirai last year. I don’t just like Momo, I identify with her image as the studious but introverted nerd kid who thinks hard work and playing by the rules is enough to guarantee success, only to be constantly frustrated as flashier peers take shortcuts to the top. The tension between these two has been building since Utami’s debut last year and subsequent mega-push as The Big Rookie and Utami All-the-Belts. Momo, who put in years of quiet, dedicated work as Io’s understudy, is in danger of being usurped as Queen’s Quest leader by the newcomer before her tenure has really even gotten under way. This is a great basis for a wrestling match, and these two, aware they were in front of their biggest audience outside of Japan not just in person but watching on Fite, rose to the occasion. I’m terrible at describing wrestling matches, but this was a nailbiter full of near-falls and what-will-it-take kickouts that felt earned rather than slathered on. It helped that the crowd was rabid, with Utami having a slight edge, WHICH ONLY SERVED TO MAKE ME CHEER LOUDER FOR MOMO. I honestly had no idea who was going to win: normally you’d know the champ would retain in an away match like this, but having their second most important belt change hands would also have been a great way to make a splash in their New York debut. In the end, though, Momo retained with her Peach Sunrise finisher and I LOST IT.

Stars vs. Oedo Tai: The villainous but lovable Oedo Tai were over like crazy with this crowd, and people went bananas when they came out to do their pre-match war dance. They could have basically just done that and most people would have been, but they had a fun elimination match with the Stars faction. A lot of zany action in this and a genuine surprise elimination of Kagetsu midway through. The only missing piece of the puzzle was Sumire Natsu, who didn’t come over with the company, possibly because she’s a freelancer. She made appearances at Tokyo BDSM clubs instead during Mania weekend, which is the most Sumire Natsu thing ever.

Yurie Kozakai doing the ring introductions: Stardom was really smart about the idea that they were giving fans in New York “a real Stardom show,” and having the promotion’s normal ring announcer introduce the wrestlers was a perfect touch.

Hana Kimura: The newest Stardom signing looked like a superstar and basked in the crowd’s adulation during a three-way tag match that also involved Konami and Bea Priestley (making her US debut?) and Britt Baker and Brittany Blake, who should have called themselves the Britt-ish. No? I’m - I’m [putting my finger to my ear, like I’m listening] I’m being told “No, they should not have called themselves that.” Anyway, the match was fun but insubstantial, but Hana’s charisma is off the charts.

THE BAD

IPW:UK ran a show at the venue (the NYC Arena, which is an arena only in the sense that a mid-sized nightclub is an arena) right before Stardom, using House of Glory’s ring (the compromises and arrangements of Mania Weekend!), and the bottom rope broke. The effort to fix the broken rope was mostly unsuccessful, and also delayed the opening of doors at the venue by nearly an hour, meaning 600 hearty nerds were standing in line in 39 degree weather, with sleet pelting us. The paperback I had brought to pass the time in line was USELESS. On the lemons-lemonade side of things, though, this did mean we were all in line when Stardom’s bus rolled up, and all the wrestlers disembarked to head inside. Big cheers from the crowd, which obviously delighted the wrestlers. “It’s gonna be awesome!” Hana yelled at us. It was! Once we got out of the sleet

The broken rope delay also meant they had to cut the already abbreviated (five matches) show short, and it showed. The first three matches were all obviously truncated, with the High Speed title match between Hazuki and Dust suffering the most for it. Don’t get me wrong, it was good, and I was impressed by Dust, who’s new to me, but it felt like they were just starting to get going when it ended. IPW:UK, YOU ARE NOW MY ENEMY. OR MAYBE HOUSE OF GLORY, I DON’T KNOW. SOMEONE. 

THE UGLY

Maybe half the appeal of this thing was the promised meet and greet afterward, but the meet and greet was more chaotic and less organized than Kelley Square at rush hour (sorry, this is a Worcester reference, Worcester people will know this). Nobody seemed to know where to stand, lots of fans didn’t realize they had to buy little tickets before meeting the wrestlers, and as someone whose job sometimes involves putting up signs in medical buildings, the lack of even rudimentary paper signage was APPALLING. This did not stop me from getting nerdy fan pics with Hana Kimura, Kagetsu, Momo Watanabe, Mayu Iwatani, and Konami. Hazuki left her table before I could get to her, and this failure will haunt the remainder of my days upon this earth. Possibly. The wrestlers all had pieces of paper with common American names written on them, so they’d know how to address the autographed pictures, which was sweet. Hana has great conversational English. There was no line when I went up to Konami, which is preposterous. Konami rules, fellow nerds. The whole thing was nice, and the language barrier prevented any of that thing where guys try to unburden their psyches onto female wrestlers in a bid to make some kind of emotional connection. JUST SMILE FOR THE CAMERA AND MOVE ALONG, PAL.

Also, apparently the Fite stream was choppy as hell and cut out completely right at the end of the Momo-Utami match, and only came back after it was over. Glad I went in person!

In part two, we’ll cover the gregarious Jesse Ventura, the surprising lack of merch slingers at WrestleCon, and the puzzling fame of that fan who had a cardboard sign saying “FACE FUCK ME FINN” at a Takeover a few years ago.

[transslyblue]

Also "1-99"

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Haha, closed. I don't like seeing the dark void that I call a closet

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Yea, but you can't really see them unless you're close

(3) Can You Whistle?

Yes

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame musical, the Tavern Song

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Blue, but I also like a variety of purples and greens

(6) Relationship Status.

Single and not looking

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

69º F

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yea, unless I wake up myself

(9) How Many Followers?

118, but I need to go through and block any bots. (;w;)

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Leo

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Blue/green hazel. My eyes are multi-coloured so they have blue, green, and brown with a very grey look to them.

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

I forget daily

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yup!

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

I really want to get back to reading some more Lovecraft, but i don't have much time to read

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

"Minutes before librarians ate him."

(16) Favourite Anime?

Uuuuhhhhhh, hm. I guess it'd have to be InuYasha, but I like a lot of anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Err,,, it was a very close friend. Idk if they'd want me to say who they are tho

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Rocks and those snowglobe musicboxes

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Yogurt and a protein bar. Ik, ik real healthy and filling

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

Depends on the song, but not really

(21) Favourite Animal?

Owls and cats

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Not really, but when I do it's the diving Olympics

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

2am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

I don't wear makeup. Though I have considered it

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Either. Pool is safer though

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

Oof, idk if I can pick just one, so imma name a few. @ohhimarx @mirosuikaaa @masochist-incarnate they're all really friendly and nice

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Whichever is most convenient at the time

(28) What Makes You Happy?

The sound of rain, art, my friends talking to me, I have a list that I've posted, so I won't list out here

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

Haha, I don't study;;;

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Cats

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

Blue-tiful lol, for real though probably bubble blue

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

Does Switch/ds count?

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Idunknow

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

Not really, but I won't bash on anyone who does

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Black, but is a Link being a meme

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

I save more then I spend.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yea, it's a pink pillow of Lion from Steven Universe and a music stand from when I was in middle school

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Kirby in general

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Nope, but I have touched one before

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Yes and no. It really depends on how long I've been around them

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Omg yes! I remember a few and they were all lucid dreams! (I looked up the term from last time I answered this question)

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

Never been on one

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Of Mice and Men

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Both

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Panic!At the Disco, Fallout Boy, or The Neighborhood

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not really. There are some foods I refuse to eat, but otherwise I eat pretty much anything

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yes

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Nope! I actually like thunder

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

I enjoy reading. As for writing, eh. I'll write out my ideas but I'mno good at fleshing them out to be interesting

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yes. But not too loud, just enough where I don't hear everyone around me

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Carve pumpkins! I really am bad at wrapping presents

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Hurts - Illuminated

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Spring and dying from pollen

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

Idk, something salty tbh

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

I'm a transgender male, so i use he/him pronouns.

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Both, but I like tea more

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

I'm not in school anymore soooo no

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Idk. Questioning I guess

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

No

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

I already answered this one, so I'll say a new pokemon that I love. Rowlet!

(64) Favourite Social Media?

Bruh I am not a fan, but Tumblrs the one I'm on most.

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

Idk. I don't have an Instagram

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

Yes

(67) Are You A Virgin?

Yes, and I plan to stay that way for awhile

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

I use Suave, but I also use TeaTree when I get really bad dandruff

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Depends on the place. But most likely I'd risk the motel.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

My mom yes, my biological father... It's complicated

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

I don't really watch movies, so none

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

I don't have an ex

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

Be the person you needed when you were younger. I have no clue who said it, but I live by that

(74)  What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

Eyes in general are great. Idk how anyone can not find something they like in any eye colour

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

YesYesYesYes

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Nachos

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Voez and Pokémon Go

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Yes, because no oen deserves to die. I'd do my best to help any homeless person

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Haha, not today. Yet

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

Not really

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yes!

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I don't wear jewlery much. But I would like to get my ears pierced properly

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed! I don't want people or my cat to walk in

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

I woke up, did laundry, answered these questions

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Pajama pants and a t-shirt

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

I've got none. Unless you want me to name what body wash i use. :/

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night person

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Phone: Voez, Pokémon Go

Switch: Legend of Zeld: Breath of the wild, Super Smash Bros Ultimate, Kirby Star Allies, Mario Kart 8, PuyoPuyo Tetris, Bayonetta 1&2, Hyrule Warriors, Just Dance 2017, Super Mario Party, Let's Go Eevee, Mario Odyssey, Undertale, Shovel Knight, Pokémon quest, Mom Hid my Game, Deemo, Sonic Mania, Detention, The Coma, Cave Story

3DS: Kirby Clash Deluxe, Kirby Triple Deluxe, Kirby's Extra Epic Yarn, Kirby Planet Robobot, Kirby Canvas Curse, Kirby Mass Attack, Kirbg Super Star Ultra, Kirby Squeak Squad, Pokémon Y, Pokémon Platinum, Pokémon Ultra Moon, Pokémon Alpha Sapphire Pokémon Heartgold, Legend of Zelda Link Between Worlds, Legend of Zelda Majoras Mask, Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3D, Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass, Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks, Super Smash Bros, Luigi's Mansion Dark Moon, Wario Ware Gold, Super Princess Peach, Animal Crossing New Leaf, Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow, Cooking Mama, Cooking Mama 2, Sonic Colors

Gameboy Color: Pokemon Blue, Legend of Zelda Link's Awakening

This is over the course of many years

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I had this dream where I was flying a red paper plane. It took forever to carry it up this tapestry, but i did it. When I finally took off this group of white paper planes were chasing me so I shook them off and landed, taking shelter in this museum. This museum held other people hiding and was actually an abandoned grocery store. Then I woke up.

I don't rememebr when this was, but I wrote it down. I have a few more if you're interested.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

Strawberry Ramuné

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Rainstorms,

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans, since I can't wear sweatpants to work

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

Uhhh, probably a slob since I've been in pajamas all day

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Stuffed animals

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

Idk. Haven't really wanted one. Maybe a connect the dots one.

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

Idk. I watch Pyrocynical and Markiplier, but other than that I listen to music, watch speedpaints, and speed plays of various videogames

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

It’s as if we skipped right from 2018 to 2020. On Monday, Sen. Elizabeth Warren became the first major Democratic candidate to formally dip a toe in the water of the 2020 presidential campaign, announcing the creation of an exploratory committee. Not everyone who creates an exploratory committee ends up becoming an official candidate, but Warren is very likely to. For all intents and purposes, she is now running for president.

Warren has experienced a swift rise, if not a meteoric one, to political stardom. A celebrated consumer advocate and law professor, she oversaw the Troubled Asset Relief Program (better known as the post-financial crisis “bailout”) and shepherded the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau during President Obama’s first term. In 2012, she ran for and won elected office for the first time, defeating Republican incumbent Scott Brown 54 percent to 46 percent in the U.S. Senate race in Massachusetts; she was re-elected by 24 points in 2018. Though not quite at the level of the current Beto-mania, she’s had her moments as a progressive folk hero — a viral video on fair taxation that helped clear the field for her first Senate campaign and Mitch McConnell’s swag-spawning complaint that “Nevertheless, she persisted” after she was cut off in the middle of a speech on the Senate floor.

But if you listen to conventional wisdom — and our favorite quasi-scientific tool, betting markets — Warren’s star has dimmed in recent months. President Trump’s repeated references to her as “Pocahontas” have kept alive a seven-year-old controversy over Warren’s claims that she has Native American ancestry, which potentially helped advance her career. Her release of a DNA test in October 2018 that she hoped would settle the matter was not well received. And in a party reportedly thirsty for a new generation of leadership, the 69-year-old Warren may have missed her window. For the first but certainly not the last time this year, let’s take a look at the case for and against the chances of a major 2020 Democratic candidate.

Ideologically, Warren is right where a Democratic primary candidate should want to be — it’s one of the strongest cards in her hand. According to FiveThirtyEight’s Trump Score, she votes with the president just 13.1 percent of the time, making her the third-most anti-Trump senator in the 115th Congress. Although she’s best known for her stands against income inequality and big banks, she is deeply liberal on both social and economic issues, according to an analysis of her votes and positions by OnTheIssues — although not quite as liberal as Sen. Bernie Sanders, one of Warren’s potential 2020 rivals.

Warren’s base is likely to overlap quite a bit with Sanders’s, the self-described democratic socialist who turned heads in the 2016 presidential primaries by winning 40 percent of Democratic delegates. Warren even seemed to make an explicit play for Sanders voters when she devoted a full minute (mid-personal bio, no less) of her four-and-a-half-minute announcement video to an economic-populist message. “America’s middle class is under attack. … Billionaires and big corporations decided they wanted more of the pie and they enlisted politicians to cut them a fatter slice.”

In fact, at least one poll suggests that Warren and Sanders (if he runs again in 2020) will be fighting over the same pool of voters. Back in April 2018, Suffolk University conducted a poll of two versions of the 2020 Democratic primary in New Hampshire: one without Warren and one with her. In the version without her, Sanders pulled 25 percent of the vote. In the version with her, he dropped to 13 percent; Warren got 26 percent. None of the other six candidates about whom the poll asked lost as much support as Sanders did with Warren in the field.

Sanders and Warren have something else in common: the support of small donors, or those who give $200 or less to a campaign. According to the Center for Responsive Politics, as of Nov. 1, small donors were behind 56 percent of all the money raised by Warren’s re-election campaign. The only 2018 Senate candidate whose fundraising was more reliant on small donors was Sanders himself.

Small donors gave big to Warren

The five 2018 U.S. Senate candidates who raised the largest share of their donations from small donors as of Nov. 1, 2018

Candidate Party State Share of Contributions From Small Donors Bernie Sanders I Vermont 77%

–

Elizabeth Warren D Massachusetts 56

–

Corey Stewart R Virginia 50

–

Beto O’Rourke D Texas 46

–

Geoff Diehl R Massachusetts 45

–

Source: Federal Election Commission via Center for Responsive Politics

And in terms of raw dollar amounts, Warren raised $10 million more from small donors than Sanders did, even though neither one was facing a competitive race. Warren’s $19.4 million small-donor haul was second only to Beto O’Rourke’s among 2018 general-election candidates for Senate or House. Presidential campaigns are expensive affairs, and being a strong fundraiser — particularly among small donors, a well that is less likely to run dry — is a huge advantage. It can also signal high voter enthusiasm for a candidate.

Warren’s deep pockets may also be financing her apparent strategy of building up goodwill among state-level Democrats who will be instrumental in primary and caucus field organizing. According to the Washington Post, she directed at least $7.6 million to Democratic campaigns for offices like state treasurer and legislator in 2018 — more than any rumored 2020 contender not named Michael Bloomberg. As of mid-October, Warren had also made 172 post-primary congratulatory phone calls to Democratic candidates, blasted her email list on their behalf 180 times, shared policy documents with them 63 times, held 61 one-on-one meetings, hosted 41 fundraisers and shot 36 videos. That is how you develop a network.

Central to Warren’s grassroots networking strategy may be New Hampshire — less than an hour’s drive away from her home base and the second state in the country (after Iowa) to cast primary ballots. While she sent one staffer each to Iowa, South Carolina and Nevada for the 2018 election, two of her aides moved to New Hampshire despite it not hosting any particularly competitive major elections. (They assumed pretty major roles there, too — as the New Hampshire Democratic Party’s political director and communications director.)

The polls at this point aren’t very predictive, but if the primaries were held today, it looks like New Hampshire would be her strongest state. In the latest poll of the 2020 New Hampshire Democratic primary, 17 percent of Granite Staters said they would vote for Warren, putting her in third place — 2 points away from second.1 In Iowa — or at least in the three Iowa caucus polls taken since Nov. 6, according to FiveThirtyEight’s polls database — she averages 8 percent, putting her in fourth place. She fares the worst in national polls, averaging 5 percent in seven national 2020 Democratic primary polls2 conducted since Election Day.

Overall, Warren’s campaign looks like it could go either way. With some skill and luck, she could launch herself right into the thick of the nomination fight. But there are plenty of reasons to be pessimistic about Warren as well, starting with her stature among her own constituents. Just after Election Day, UMass Amherst released a poll of the 2020 Democratic primary in Massachusetts, and Warren garnered just 11 percent of the sample. That is not good in a state where her name recognition is already high and Democrats are as intimately familiar with her record as any 2020 voter is going to get: Most eventual nominees were already lapping the field in polls of their home states at this point in previous presidential election cycles.

Her 2018 re-election was also unimpressive in a state as blue as Massachusetts. Warren won, but only by 24 points in a state nearly 30 points more Democratic-leaning than the country as a whole.3 Add in the extremely favorable national environment to Democrats, and she “should” have won Massachusetts by more than 39 points.4 By this method, Warren had the weakest incumbency advantage across hundreds of Senate and House elections last year.

Elizabeth Warren was 2018′s weakest incumbent

The 10 Senate and House incumbents who underperformed by the most in the 2018 elections*

Incumbent Party State or District Expected Margin† Actual Margin Net Incumbency Advantage Elizabeth Warren D MA D+39 D+24 -15 Chris Collins R NY-27 R+13 R+0 -13 Sheldon Whitehouse D RI D+36 D+23 -12 Mia Love R UT-4 R+12 D+0 -12 David Cicilline D RI-1 D+45 D+34 -11 Bob Menendez D NJ D+22 D+11 -11 Jim Costa D CA-16 D+25 D+15 -10 Duncan Hunter R CA-50 R+14 R+3 -10 Steve King R IA-4 R+13 R+3 -10 Rob Woodall R GA-7 R+10 R+0 -10

*Excluding open-seat elections, elections that did not feature both a Republican and Democratic candidate, jungle primaries, elections with multiple incumbents and elections where the incumbent was an independent.

†Based on the state or district’s partisan lean, its elasticity and the national popular vote.

Source: ABC News

It’s unclear what’s cooling voters on Warren. The fallout from her DNA test just weeks before Election Day is a decent guess. But the controversy over her ancestry may also be a proxy for other, less socially acceptable reasons why people dislike her, such as her gender or age. “I don’t think America’s ready for another Hillary. It has to be someone young and dynamic,” one interviewee told Boston radio station WBUR-FM.

Warren has long polarized audiences and was never the world’s most beloved politician to begin with. That may be because she’s a woman with a confrontational style. It may be sexism mixed with other reasons. Whatever the cause(s), Warren isn’t in the best starting position as she enters the fray. But she’s not in the worst position either — she’ll likely find a receptive audience for her message in terms of policy and ideology. A well-run campaign would put her among the field’s top contenders. We’ll find out soon enough: Warren says she’ll announce for sure whether she’s running “early in the new year.”

[actualltr4sh]

talk about yourself.

1. Full name: zarina blah blah

2. Zodiac sign: capricorn

3. Three fears: never being happy outside of mania, falling in the oven, never being able to love healthily

4. Three things I love: watching tv, writing, editing/making videos

5. Best friend’s name: i have many. i’m honestly probably the closest to jas though.

6. Last song I listened to: i’ve been watching tv for hours so i’m not sure.

7. Four turn-ons: having a good sense of humor (preferably dark), smelling good, knowing things, being supportive

8. Four turn-offs: abuse (obviously), stupidity, being judgmental, lying 

9. Color underwear I’m wearing: blue ish

10. Number of piercings and tattoos: 5 tattoos, 9 piercings 

11. How’d you find out about Tumblr: i was in the 8th grade and it was one of the only sites we could get on in the school computer lab. word just kinda spread and i’ve been here ever since.

12. Current mood: meh. nothing. i was manic earlier so i’m not looking forward to however i’m going to feel tomorrow. 

13. Something you really, really want: to feel whole and healed.

14. My current relationship status: i’m so fucking single lmao.

15. The meaning behind your username: i suck.

16. Favorite movies: paid in full, bring it on, step brothers, halloween, idk lmao

17. Favorite songs: this changes all the time but i’d rather be with you by bootsy collins is one of my favorites of all times

18. Favorite music artists: tupac, isaiah rashad, florence & the machine 

19. Three things that upset you: being used, being broke, being lmfao

20. Three things that make you happy: writing, watching tv, caffeine lmao

21. Things you find attractive: a great sense of humor

22. Someone you miss: my ex. but like.. a different version of him. idk.

23. Someone you love: damon salvatore, at the moment.

24. Your relationship with your parents: quite rocky.

25. Favorite holidays: halloween. memorial day is cool.. there’s food.

26. Closest internet friends: no one really. i scare everyone off with my oversharing and depressive episodes LMFAO

27. Someone on the internet you’d like to date: see 26.

28. A confession: nothing about me my blog doesn’t know lmfaoooo.

29. Three things that annoy you: hearing people breathe, seeing cabinets open, having the tv on and music playing at the same time

30. Favorite animals: dogs, on a casual scale. to be outrageous? owls, ravens/crows, zebras used to be up there.

31. Your pets: hope i get a dog soon.

32. A lie you told: probably telling people i’m doing okay.

33. Something worrying you: what isn’t worrying me?

34. An embarrassing moment: i shat myself on my back porch once.

35. Your current job: office assistant. 

36. Something always on your mind: “when the fuck am i not gonna care about this anymore”

37. Three habits: isolating myself, playing with my nipple rings, talking to myself

38. My future goals: live another month. if i do that i want to publish my books

39. Something you fantasize about: finishing my books lmao

40. Favorite stores: pretty little thing, zumiez, dunkin’ donuts lmao

41. Favorite foods: nachos, chili cheese fries, lobster, COOKIES!!! COOKIES!!!!!

42. What I did yesterday: probably nothing. i never do things. i love not doing anything.

43. Something you’re talented at: making people laugh, writing, isolating myself lmao

44. Your idea of a perfect date: if we’re both up for doing something i think a date at the arcade would be cool. drink a little. play some games. then go home and sleep. awesome.

45. Your celebrity crush: i would get vince staples pregnant.

46. A picture of you: #me tag!

47. Your favorite blog: meh idk i’m into everybody’s shit lmao.

48. How many kids do you want: one.. two... or none LMAO. i guess whatever happens.

49. Do you drink or smoke: smoking gives me anxiety, i drink on occasion. the hardest thing i do these days is caffeine LMFAO

[cestlemoment]

some ... ‘eliott since wednesday’ content 

mecredi : 10:40 

    he literally only came to school for lucas. he wanted to see lucas, and talk to him about everything that had happened since he had to leave lucas’ on sunday.            ( things he’d done: laid in his bed and hadn’t slept sunday night because he couldn’t get comfortable. called lucille to ask her to meet him and talk. told her that they were for sure broken up and that he was sorry for disappearing without telling her he was leaving. said that he wanted to be with lucas, but that she better not tell anyone.  she said she wouldn’t. thankfully.  but she still looked at him with that look that said  are you manic?   because they both know what happened last time, and he doesn’t feel manic. at all. he feels happy and calm and safe when he’s around lucas. which he can’t say he feels calm and happy with lucille anymore. he hadn’t been at school monday, tuesday, because he... still has trouble going to school. )      but he’s at school for lucas, and grinning through lucas’ science class window, and he’s trying to mask how tired he looks, but it’s probably not working, but he’s happy to see lucas, doesn’t remember that maybe he shouldn’t kiss lucas right in front of his classroom, and he remembers at lucas’ reaction.       it’s all good until the floor fucking drops out from under him at  don’t worry, i don’t talk to her anymore  (i’m not worried... why don’t you talk to her?)  because i don’t need crazy people in my life.       and that’s it. that’s the end, he knows it is. he thinks he’s going to die because of this.  it takes all of his willpower to not give lucas the kiss he lifts his chin up for.  because he doesn’t deserve that, he doesn’t even deserve that last, goodbye kiss.     (goodbye, lucas. that’s what his brain is saying when he walks away.)  

mercredi: 11:30

      he’s back at home. alone. always alone! always!  and he’s trying to block out lucas’ words from less than an hour ago. and he feels so fucking stupid for believing that he could have anything else in his life, that he could actually have the way that lucas makes him feel permanently.  it always happens this way. he thinks he might want something different, tries to get it, puts himself out there, and then gets it all thrown back into his face. cause he’s fucking stupid. backpack dropped by the door, and he’s already changed out of his school clothes, because he’s going to sleep this feeling off. whatever, he doesn’t have to do school stuff anyway, he just has to show up to his exams, and those are months away.  hands rub over his face, forcing any upset tears to not appear, and he’s messing with his phone for a few minutes, some desperate part of him hoping that lucas noticed he said something wrong, hoping that lucas will text him, because really, that’s all he wants, despite all of this.  and ... then the phone is on his desk, and he’s just going to sleep as long as his body will let him.  he’s tired of feeling this way. 

mercredi: 18:39

     his mom would be happy that he’s cooking, that he’s not just trying to sleep away the pit of hunger in his stomach because he’s too tired to get up and make something. and he’s making it hurt more because he keeps looking at his phone. and obviously there’s no text from lucas. there’s nothing from lucille. there’s ... no one else that texts him. he feels really fucking alone. but maybe he’ll fuck around and draw something, and he ends up at his desk, half an hour later, beers on the table around him, trying to draw away the way he feels.  he’s already decided he’s not fucking going to school the rest of the week, he can’t deal with it if he’s not going to see lucas. 

jeudi 17:50

       he’s spent all day thinking. all fucking day laying in his bed just thinking about what the fuck he’s supposed to do now. he’d laid all his cards on the table. his room smells like weed, he knows that, but he’s just tired and stressed and on edge and he’s not sure what else to do to calm down.  and then lucas’ text comes in.   ( ça y est, je l’ai dit a mon coloc.)   which, he’s proud, happy for lucas to have someone he could open up to, say something about ... them.  but there can’t be a them.  because lucas doesn’t want crazy people in his life, and he’s crazy, and he’s just going to hurt lucas.  so there can’t be a them.  and his response, his text, his that’s cool, i’m happy for you, but it’s moving too fast for me, it’s my fault, i’m sorry , is meant to be the easiest way for lucas to know there can’t be a them. not if that’s the way lucas feels. it’s meant to let lucas down easily, place all the blame on himself (because it is his fault. it’s his fault that he can never, ever, ever have what he truly wants.  lucas.  it’s his fault.)  and he doesn’t want to think about how lucas might feel, he almost hopes that lucas will reply, that he’ll call, that he’ll do something. he stares too long, and lucas doesn’t, and he wants to scream at himself because he could have said something to lucas.  (but lucas doesn’t want crazy people in his life.)  it’s easier this way, it’s easier for both of them. 

vendredi 09:18 

     breakfast. he’s trying. he got a message about some party that the foyer girls are going to be at, and apparently they... at least appreciate him trying to participate in their foyer thing, even if he’s been shit at showing up.  it was a surprise to see it.  the part of him that wants to believe that he can just hide his bipolar from lucas wants to text lucas to go with him to the party. not even as ... being together... just as ... he wants to see lucas. as dumb that that is.  he can’t see lucas, he’s not allowed to, because he can’t stand any more hurt.  his fingers are flashing through the motions until he’s typing  salut, j’ai un invitation à une fête ce soir, tu veux à viens avec moi?  to lucille. he’s a bit surprised that he gets back a  ouais, bien sûr j'irai.  from her.  he’d expected radio silence on her end. she doesn’t mention lucas, nor does he expect her to.  it takes all his willpower to not swipe back to his contacts, stare at his and lucas’ message thread. it’s right there, right above lucille’s name. it would be so easy. and it would be so easy to go look at lucas’ instagram again. all these things would be so easy.  he turns his phone upside down after sending lucille,  okay. 18h, j’allerais à toi.  the phone stays there most of the rest of the day, and he in his room, trying to find some sort of care about any of this.               ( he knows why he’s going back to lucille, maybe not all the way back, he doesn’t want to really be with her, anymore, but he can’t be with lucas, and he just needs something stable. everything’s falling apart at the seems, and he can’t seem to grab onto anything that doesn’t crumble under his touch. she knew him back when this was all just a mild case of depression, a little bit of anxiety thrown in for the fun of it. when it was just something half the people he knew had, because everyone’s stressed and depressed, and she understood back then. she understood that sometimes he got a bit more down than everyone else, and so they’d hang out at her place or something. it was nice of her, and he knows he’d been in love with her.          but the mania scared her, he knows that. no one knows how to deal with that. the mania and him doing irrational, impulsive things to get the attention of his best friend, the night of him frantic and afraid and panicked and wide-eyed after he’d kissed him, and been rejected, and he started spiraling, so, so bad and it’d been so close to exams he didn’t even know they were happening and she had, has a right to be afraid for him.  the mania scared her, but she doesn’t have any idea (no one can have any idea) how afraid it made him.  during,  after.  it’s fair that she’s afraid of him doing that same thing, now. but with lucas it is --- was different. because ... lucas wanted him too (wants? him too?) and didn’t reject him. he doesn’t feel manic. but he knows that lucas won’t like him if he’s manic. that’s ... a given, he knows that.       but lucille didn’t leave, didn’t abandon him, even if she’s been more and more -- overbearing... whether or not it’s him perceiving that it’s actually what she’s doing, but -- she’s familiar. it’s familiar to talk to her and make plans with her and just -- everything is falling apart around him so he doesn’t know what else to do.)

vendredi 19:30

       they’ve been here a while, the music loud from the minute they’ve gotten here, the familiarity of them going into a party together is strangely jolting, but still something easier to deal with than a crumbling foundation. it hadn’t taken long for them to fall back into old routines, years old routines of dancing together and sharing a drink and just talking. she talks around the topic of her thinking he’s manic, around the topic of lucas.  she doesn’t talk around is he going to school? and he talks around no, i haven’t.   he doesn’t know anyone here, not really. it’s weird, and he finally tells her that he wants to go home, and he knows that she can see the tiredness in his eyes, because she knows that tiredness.  there’s a familiarity here, them laughing a bit and they end up at the side of the house, slowing a little, talking, and it’s familiar and safe and stable, and he hasn’t really felt that way in a few days, and it just -- happens.  pushing in to kiss lucille, and it’s familiar (the way her lips feel under his, the way her hands rest on his waist.)  it’s familiar. but then she pulls away, her familiar voice  ‘soit nous sommes ensemble ou nous ne sommes pas’ -- and it’s true, she’s right.  (and....)  ‘qu'en est-il de lucas?’ and he doesn’t say anything. just asks if they can leave, get on the bus.  he wants to confide in lucille, because he doesn’t have anyone else, but he’s afraid to do that, too.  he doesn’t know what she’ll say, he just doesn’t know anything anymore.  he kisses her cheek when she gets off at her stop. he doesn’t know what to do about anything anymore, and he feels like he’s going to explode. everything is too overwhelming and he doesn’t know who to ask. what to do. he most certainly can’t show up to his parents’ at ... whatever time it is. (looks at his phone, and it’s not even that late... but ...)  he can’t sleep when he gets home, tossing and turning and scribbling things in his journal, and finally gives up and sets up his laptop to watch netflix until he feels like he’s emptied his brain enough to just ... stop thinking.