#I GET THEY ARE GRAD STUDENTS BUT HOW DO THEY GET IMMEDIATE PRIORITY OVER ME I CANNOT TAKE IT

[unganseylike]

undergrad research assistants are literally the least respected people ive been working in my lab for since 2020 and am trying to do my fucking senior thesis and now that a new first year grad student joined i no longer have a fucking desk of my own or a designated workspace. how do they expect me to work for $0 and do important research without a fucking place to do my work i am literally exploding

[hylianengineer]

Goddamn it, I have either triggered the Dairy-Allergy-Induced-Anxiety, or I am simply incapable of calming down after this chaotic day. Maybe both.

Also I keep hearing noises I really hope are fireworks... but who sets off fireworks on Halloween? Isn't that illegal? Which isn't to say people don't do it...

I'm really Not Over the sulfuric acid incident at work today. I'm physically completely unharmed but emotionally very shaken up. I've never had a real lab accident before that required reporting or medical advice or anything. This one might not have technically required it either, but the MSDS (material safety data sheet - records we keep on every chemical we use that hold safety and first aid information) said to get medical attention. So I called Poison Control. I'm not even sure why I decided that was the correct people to call - it was very much not an emergency situation since there were no visible injurjes, and who else knows about chemical exposure? Maybe the University EHS department, whose phone number is on the lab door, but really, I don't know who they are or what they do beyond picking up our haz waste. I'm told I made the right call but I feel really self concious about it - why did I call Poison Control, aren't they supposed to deal with small children putting weird things in their mouths, not lab techs with chemical spills? They seemed totally unphased though. And it worked out, they knew what to do, I didn't actually get hurt, I took all the precautions.

After I got off the phone with Poison Control - but before I knew for sure everything was ok, because apparently acid burns don't always develop immediately and they said they'd call me back in an hour - I went upstairs to the grad students' office hoping against hope my favorite PhD student would be there. For emotional support and to have someone around slightly more experienced in Lab Stuff than me. She was not there. However, the PI and a couple other people were having a meeting in the conference room across the hall, and noticed me, and asked if I needed something - I do not generally come to that part of the building. I told her the whole story, and she looked at my not-burn (it seemed completely normal) and told me I did all the right things and it seemed like everything would be fine and asked if I needed anything. Then I went back to the lab, panicked some more, and waited for the Poison Control people to call me back. Which they did 45 minutes late, but I guess they're busy and this was low priority. Fair.

I feel so... ugh. That I was never taught who you call about stuff like this. I know to run acid-affected skin under running water for fifteen minutes. (I even know WHY you're not supposed to neutralize an acid burn with a base: acid+base=water+HEAT.) I know - in theory - how safety showers and chemical spill kits work (I'm so glad I didn't have to test THOSE!). But as for who to call afterwards? It was always assumed someone who knew more than me would be around to handle it. I was the only person in the lab today, and I didn't even know there were other lab members in the building. If I needed help but it wasn't 911 levels of bad, what the hell was I supposed to do? Fucking improvise? If I could've left the lab I could've gone to the office where I know some people - but I was kinda trapped at the sink running my arm under water for a minimum of fifteen minutes. And what the hell do the office folks know about chemical spills anyways?

Is this what being an adult is always like? Constantly figuring things out alone even though you feel like there should be someone older and more experienced and more Trained For This Shit around to handle it?

We used to have a lab manager who I assumed would be around to help if anything like this ever happened. She left six months ago and I've been doing half her job ever since. I'm not trained for this. And on Friday I have to go back to work and keep doing shit I wasn't trained for - this time attempting to repair the ion chromatograph.

Part of me feels like I freaked out over nothing. One drop of acid on one inch of exposed skin. Part of me feels angry that I feel like that. It was fine. It WAS fine. But how was I supposed to know that? I just did what the best information I had at the time - the MSDS - told me to do. Kind of. In the only way I could figure out how to do it. I'm kind of starting to think the MSDS writers need to take a chill pill - I swear every time I end up really needing one, it says something really scary, I act accordingly, and then I feel like an idiot afterwards. (Long story.)

[forastic]

Open Studios interactive project

UCSC DANM grad school winter 2023 - week 9-10

The final prompt for my interactive art class involved a skill share. From one other student I learned how to use a RFID reader with a raspberry pi. From the other I learned how to do needle felting. We each created small figures out of felt and decided to put them in a space together, with different zones that they could interact with. Here’s the felt figure I created.

This was also the first time I ever sewed anything! I sewed the wings. 

Here’s the brainstorming board the three of us put together to create a weird version of a petting zoo:

We planned on showing it off at the art department’s open studio (despite the fact that we’re not part of the art department). While we were able to show stuff at the open studios, other projects ended up taking priority and this didn’t come to fruition the way that we had originally planned.

I wanted to make a reference to Nam June Paik’s TV buddhas, but I wanted to make it softer and kind of silly. I crafted a cute TV out of felt and replaced the dragon’s head. 

I intended on having the dragon (now a TV dragon) watch himself on a TV while it streamed to Twitch. I wanted to install COZYSPACE as well, near where this was. When you place the TV dragon in the right place, I wanted a little bit of music to play. This idea got a little out of hand, but I managed to set everything up that I planned, and it worked fine.

I began 3D printing the shapes in COZYSPACE at various sizes with the intention of hanging them near the TV and the dragon. 

I also wanted to have the controllers for COZYSPACE be closer to my original vision of regular Super Nintendo controllers, but wireless. I got a pair and began painting them to make them cuter.

I used regular spraypaint from the hardware store, using the splatter technique I learned from making stuff for BEARPAD. I chose a purple and teal color scheme with pastel accents, as COZYSPACE was originally intended to chill me out personally, and I like that early 90s party cup/taco bell aesthetic. The spray paint took a long time to cure - the controllers were still a little sticky for up to a week after I painted them.

I rigged a raspberry pi and RFID reader to activate when placing a chip on it, combining a couple tutorials online to get it to also play music using the pygame library. I have only minimal python coding experience and it took a bit longer than I anticipated. I was amused that people recommended playing .ogg files for audio, as I haven’t really heard of those being used in over 15 years. I wrote a piece of music really quickly to play when the TV dragon rests on the cozy spot. I made a synth sound, threw a bunch of effects on it, and improvised in g flat major pentatonic using my computer keyboard in ableton.

https://on.soundcloud.com/7ALpC

Patrick designed a new shape that would look good alongside the shapes in COZYSPACE, but was large enough to hold a raspberry pi and an RFID reader. We grabbed a raspberry pi case design from thingaverse and dropped it into Blender to make sure we had the size right, built a chamber for it, then he built a shape out around the chamber. Here’s some pics of it hanging in action. 

I tried it out streaming on twitch, but it immediately brought up concerns of privacy, so I ditched it and left it on the OBS screen, as though he was about to start streaming on twitch. I felted the RFID sensor inside of the bottom of his head so that his head would activate the sensor. I threaded a wire through him and attached an alligator clip to fishing line from above, so that people could attach it to that and have him rest on the cozy shape, watching himself on the TV. The sensor range was very small, however, making it a little finicky and not the experience I had hoped.

Here’s my todo/sketch board I used for a lot of the install:

I added the LED strips late in the install. There are kits you can buy for ambient lighting that sits behind a flatscreen TV. You plug in your HDMI cable and it takes the video signal and translates some of the colors to the LED strips. I know there are ways to make them with raspberry pis or with arduinos, but i was running out of time and wanted the effect of the colors in the COZYSPACE also changing the color of the 3D printed shapes, so I bought the kit from amazon. It plugged in and worked well enough right away for my purposes. I draped the LEDs a little haphazardly around the install in a way that I thought looked good for my purposes.

Setting up took MUCH longer than I had anticipated. I spent about 2 and a half days of work just blacking out the space, setting everything up, and hanging the cozy shapes. 

I was a little worried I wouldn’t have enough time for everything to get done, but I ended up setting up everything I wanted. I left programming the controllers for last because I didn’t want to spend more time in Unity after not using it for so long. I found a way to address the joystick buttons directly in the code rather than using Unity’s input manager, which was a relief. 

I also made some tweaks to the sound of cozyspace. Each of the 4 channels is playing a sub bass frequency that is slightly out of sync with the others, giving the sensation of something moving around in space around people in the center of the installation. I made the frequencies closer, which made the movement feel much much slower. I also made the looping track twice as long, adding some slight movement to the tracks, and reset everything to G flat major.

The actual open studios was a very educational experience, hah. I learned that people need to be told when you can touch the art. I assumed (incorrectly) that bean bags and video game controllers would be enough, but I had to invite people to interact with it. In the future I’ll have signage with my name and info about the work, even for an open studios.

https://youtube.com/shorts/PYVX6z-7OGc

https://youtu.be/XffYEqUQ8qc

https://youtu.be/y0zdaRWFfSc

[prorevenge]

Wanting to date me just to get a PhD? Game on!

Need to get this off my chest for quite awhile so I hope my story could finally bury this load off me.

This happened back in grad school when I was doing my graduate studies in medicine. Halfway through my candidature, I met a guy (lets call him R) doing his final year of PhD in agriculture science. Now, first of all I have to say is I have no idea what he does, (apparently it involved growing plants and some sort) but being my first actual relationship, I listened endlessly to his talks about his work and all.

The first few months of dating was pretty alright (nothing out of the ordinary) but I did notice he wasnt trying to be intimate or even define if we are going to pursue something more than just dates. At first I figured he needed time and plus I was inexperienced since it is my first proper relationship so I kept my peace with it. Then shit started to go wild. He would randomly text and ask me to skip my afternoons (I usually schedule long experiments on weekdays, most of which started early in the morning and drag all the way till evening; so I cant bail out) knowing that Im busy with experiments. He would then put up a fuss and say things like "im not being serious with him" or "do you even liked/love me" when i tried to reason with him. Being the idiot that I am, I would usually comply and had to sneak out of the lab (my supervisor is pretty strict with students leaving their work unattended). R's idea of dragging me out in the afternoon was to help him write his journal papers since he always mentioned his English isnt good and he cant understand what his supervisor wants. R initially requested me to help him re-read what he wrote and edit his mistakes, but over time I realised he wanted me to write his papers. Being the idiot head-over-heels with R, I did it all for him, whilst jeopardizing my own research.

Over the months, R became more demanding (from helping him water his plants over different time period; well into midnight to helping him write full journals). He would not reply to any of my texts except when he needed my help. I felt really one-sided at this point but i swallowed my pride as I didn't want to loose him. Now, I had no idea what his study is on, since I am from a medical background, but I stayed up late nights reading on agriculture chemistry and biology (its been years since I even read a page about plants, much less knowing them in detail) and trying to figure out how to improve R's experiments. In the course of all of this, R developed a hobby for collecting antiques and trading them, which requires him to travel abroad. I do find his disappearance pretty dodgy, since that his candidature is about to end but he seems more focused on his hobby. However, R expects me to do his work (writing his papers etc.) whilst he is away. He didnt even bother telling me he's leaving, and instead telling me when he was already in another country. At this point, I have no idea if we were dating, seeing that most dates were me doing his work while he sits on a sofa telling me what to write over a hurried dinner/lunch with him promising to discuss the nature of our relationship right after dinner (which never happens). I was behind on my own work (my supervisor noticed my slow progress and actually had to talk to me if I was working outside of postgraduate). I finally snapped out of R's bullshit when he demanded I help him with his thesis whilst commenting that "my research isnt as important as his since he is gonna submit his thesis in a few months whereas I have a few more years to go". Im not going to sit around and be his academic slave under the pretense that he will be my boyfriend (which is never going to happen), so I agreed to help him with his thesis with a special surprise for him!

Now I had saved all of R's journal papers (original edits and ready for submission) and including his thesis. Over the months, I understood what his supervisor wanted in his papers (his supervisor thinks all of the writing done is R's work anyway; and also commented that his style of writing "improved" over the course of a few months) as well as his thesis. I secretly replaced all of his citations (in each journal papers and thesis) with random citations unrelated to his work by using Endnote and deleted the endnote folders scripted to all of his papers and thesis (so he'll have a field of a time editing everything if he actually knew this). I even included a few pages of obituaries I could find in the internet into his thesis and jumbled his results (papers and thesis) with random photos I could find online. When I was happy with it, he submitted it to the examiners and his supervisors even without reading through them! (what a f**ktard). When he told me he submitted, I broke up with him that very night, with his response "I never liked you anyway but you're the help i needed to pass this thesis" and "you were never my priority but you made me your priority so thats your fault". I was pretty hurt by his words, but the best is yet to come.

Fast forward to a few months, I've made peace with my work (caught up with producing good amount of data and running experiments on time) when I heard a couple of friends from the same lab as R. Apparently, the examiners was shock with his quality of thesis and demanded an explanation from R's supervisor as to explain if this was a joke. His papers got rejected as the results and citation wasnt even related to his work and request an inquiry on both R and his supervisor. R was also dealt with a horrible 1 year long extension to his candidature to rectify his mistakes but because I've deleted all the endnote folders, he has to search each source, one sentence at a time, for all of his work! Last I heard, he got dragged into an ethical debate with the Dean seeing that his supervisor did notice a "sudden" change of work quality over the time when we were "dating". I think he wouldnt dare to say anything about me as there was no mention of him getting help, as mentioning my existence would immediately expose his laziness over most of his work.

p/s. throughout our dating phase till the breakup, we did not indulge in anything that would consider us dating (no kissing, going out on proper dates, talks etc.) hence looking back, i think i should have dump his sorry ass sooner, but oh well, better to wreck his PhD than letting him go scot-free!

(source) (story by felixsureshkevin)

[sinesalvatorem]

My First Day (Back) In College

Today I went back to school! I am now officially a student of the City College of San Francisco. I was last in uni when I was 17 - hence the “17 year old grad school drop out” bullet in my description. This year I decided to bite that bullet and drop back into school, where I will presumably learn such academic writing techniques as “not mixing that many metaphors”.

The only class I had today that I was already registered for was Philosophy of Knowledge, which I eagerly attended once I found the building. I made sure to sit at the front of the class - ostensibly to signal attentiveness, but to be honest it was 60% to have an excuse to not react to most of the students in the class. I intend to get to know all of them over time, but G-d are classrooms overwhelming the first time.

As this was day one, it was a class about the class. In it, we learned that professor Johnson is going to be spending most of his time each day in that classroom, whether or not he has a class, which is something I expect to take advantage of. He also directly encouraged us to (*gasp*) speak in class - by which I mean he addressed me specifically while saying this, and I did in fact gasp.

We also learned that the class is structured in such a way that it should be near impossible to fail as long as you consistently apply effort. Which is good, because while I have no doubt I’ll do excellently in philosophy per se, I can tell that my presence in the class (and the college in general) isn’t about that - it’s about the much more difficult problem of learning how to meaningfully engage with the world. And good G-d am I a dumbass there - but I can definitely put in the effort and keep trying as many times as it takes.

Halfway through the lecture, the power went out, so Dr Johnson wrapped up early. I stuck around to ask him questions about his class, the college, and I’d intended to ask about joining the philosophy club but forgot in the moment. However, the question I opened with was the one I cared most about, and which I least expected to get an answer on:

“I have the feeling that everyone at City College already knows who I am. Do you know what’s going on there?” His eyes went wide at this one, then after a moment he said there was not aware of anything like this and had never met me before. The way he said it felt rather unconvincing, and throughout the rest of the day people (especially professors) continued to act like they already knew me, but I didn’t expect to get the Big Reveal at this point anyway.

(While I’m gradually piecing together more parts of the ‘Panopticon Puzzle’ - just the other day, I realised that people have been sharing videos of me dancing on BART, for example - I still know very little about the motives or mechanisms. Plus, I’m concerned that it gets more overt as I look more closely at the lens looking at me. These days riding the train is damn stressful because now there are people waiting for me to dance.)

After Phil 4, I got some academic counseling, which helped me determine potentially interesting future classes. However, as there’s limited counselor availability at the start of the semester, I was not yet able to do in-depth plotting-my-course stuff. So after my counseling session, I was kind of listless, but wanted to stay on campus because it seemed like the best questing location.

Eventually I figured out that there was a Music Fundamentals class happening at the time, and I went to the classroom and asked the professor if I could drop in. He said “For you, definitely”, which I just accepted with only a hint of internal “What do you mean for me?”

Dr Blea’s class was very much worth dropping into. Early in the class he said that he makes sure every student in his class ends up telling their story, even if they claim not to, before turning to me and saying “I know you have a story”. To which I replied “Don’t worry, I fully admit to having a story”. He then went around the class asking what instruments we played, with the first person saying they don’t play an instrument but just move their fingers - while looking at me, prompting me to say “Called out”.

Through this intro exercise, I learned I was surrounded by pianists, bassists, violinists, vocalists, and a percussionist. During the intro, Dr Blea asked the percussionist to clap a 6/8 beat, and I matched the beat with my fingers. The professor was very pleased by this exercise, and his enthusiasm was high going forward. He soon pulled out his violin and said he was going to play Bohemian Rhapsody, to which I said that I could sing that. This was sort of true - I can sing the sections of it out of order - but he was quite ready to make me put my music where my mouth is.

So I belted sections of Bohemian Rhapsody to Dr Blea’s violin in the Music Fundamentals class I was not registered for. At several points, my classmate Ryan accompanied me, which helped me have the confidence to do this damn fool thing. At the end, the professor told me to take a bow, so in a state of surprised confusion I got up and bowed toward him, before being told I was supposed to bow for the class, as they’re who I’d performed for. I did so, and said that Ryan should also take a bow, as he had sung with me, but he didn’t take the stand. #relatable

We then got on to discussing more theoretical aspects of music, such as intervals and harmony. One of the students asked Dr Blea if he had perfect pitch, because everyone always wants to know if musicians have perfect pitch. He said no, but he courageously took the empirical approach by playing notes on a piano without looking at the keys and guessing, in order to show us he was fallible.

However, he then said that he thinks some people have perfect pitch without even realising it, and said he thought I did. To which I said I highly doubted it, but would be interested in finding out. However, as this class had stoked my hubris, I admitted that I suspect I have ‘perfect rhythm’, if there’s such a thing. This, of course, was not going to just pass, and the professor immediately had the percussionist clapping a beat for me to match. He then split the whole class into sections and had us clap different rhythms, while he played his violin over our beats.

However, I nearly lost my beat from how distracted I was by his violin. The playing was beautiful, but I couldn’t move my hand to (ie, integrate) it while clapping the beat. So after he signaled the end, I rapidly repeated my memory of his piece by hand-motion, while focusing intently on the violin in his hand. However, I could still see from my peripheral vision that he was watching what I was doing and was quite pleased/intrigued. I have no idea where the Music Fundamentals course is going to go, but I definitely expect it to be a radical journey of discovery.

After class, I walked with Ryan and a dancer named Louise. I commented to Louise when she offered to walk with me to the registration office that I was not accustomed to having people to walk with. We discussed the experience of music, the human facility for rhythm, and what goes into dance education. Tomorrow I’m planning to drop in on a class on dance and find out for myself.

But the important thing is that, on day one, I’ve already made some progress on my top college priority: Making friends. (Well, my top priority in returning to college is something like “Not reflexively shrinking back from the world for fear of damaging it”, but I believe making friends is the most important part of operationalising that.)

Those are the two classes I had today. Outside of classes, there was a lot of navigating the college, and navigating my own difficulties knowing how to approach the world. I continue to have no idea where to point my eyes as I walk. Worse, I continue to feel bad about that. I long to just look around how I like purely based on interest and without calculation. Alas, I don’t seem to be there yet, so I tried various crappy heuristics instead.

Out of class was far more stressful than in class, though of course every bit of that stress was in my head. Doesn’t mean I know how to make it go away, though. For now. My first day at my first college was similarly disorienting. However, within two weeks I was happily settled and had my clique, and by the end of the semester I was on top of the world. I’m hoping for that arc here too. Growth mindset!

[sennaleee]

this ain’t omo but I have a lot of random things to say and no Friends(tm) to say them to, so here’s an info dump/update on my Super Exciting life. Read the tags for a summary I suppose. Also this is really long so sorry. Kudos to anyone who reads all of it, lol.

So y’all know (unless you’re a newer follower, I guess) that the reason I’m MIA basically all the time is because I’m in school. I’m in my last year currently, and while it is absolutely the best year so far, it’s also super isolating. Every 2 weeks I’m doing something different and dealing with different people, and while this is absolutely the greatest thing in the world for me (I tend to get annoyed being around the same people 24/7, which is why the first three years of grad school were probably such a nightmare, haha), it’s also cementing how much of an outcast I am in my class. Like, most people are super nice, and I like getting to know people I haven’t had a chance to talk to much over the time here (my class is essentially high school with how many cliques there are, I stg it’s ridiculous we’re all 23+ years old and have a “don’t sit with us” attitude), but there are also random instances where someone I considered a friend is actually kind of a bitch and acts in a way that makes it very obvious that me speaking in her presence is the worst part of the day.

There are also people I have to work with who are legit working in my school - they are getting PAID to help teach me - and they very clearly do not want students around, which is so frustrating. I got a bad grade for one of my 2 week classes just because I wouldn’t take shit from them and stood up for myself. I was literally graded on my personality and was done so in a way that my feedback contradicted itself so like how could it even be trusted? This probably makes no sense. I’m trying to be somewhat vague and it’s just making everything confusing sorry. >.<

And then there’s the random superior who just does not give a frick about your time and thinks that what they want should be your #1 priority, but you’re also doing things for 3 other superiors simultaneously that are more time sensitive than what the first superior wants and then you lose an ENTIRE LETTER GRADE for that class because you “didn’t ask for help when you were overwhelmed” except for the fact that I DID ask for help from the first superior and was promptly shut down because she “has her own things to do.” God, I’m bitter.

I have all this stuff to complain about, but I have to emphasize that I am seriously having the time of my life. Some classes are better than others, but this year is for working out what we want for our future, and if nothing else, the classes I hate are helping me learn not to go into those specialties. And for every not-so-great mentor/superior, there are least 5 that are absolutely amazing, so there’s that. The bad ones are just the ones that stick in my head.

Despite being great though, everything is so mentally and emotionally draining. LIke, my recent class had a section where we had to handle parr/ots (yeah, if this doesn’t give away my school program, I don’t know what will...and yes I’m literally censoring the word ‘parr/ot’ don’t judge me.) and I was perfectly fine one minute and the second I’m just freaking sobbing over this bird and my partner is trying to draw blood from it and I can’t even see through my own tears so I had to make her stop and the instructor had to come over and try to calm me down and take the bird from me and I still don’t know why I cried? Literally the only thing I can think of is that maybe the bird was stressed and I somehow subconsciously realized that before I consciously did and my body’s way to get my attention was to just go “it is time to sob” and so I did. We did have to put that particular bird back immediately afterward because she was getting too warm, but normally I’m able to, you know, use my words to warn people about things like that instead of having an emotional breakdown out of nowhere.

Anyway. This is getting super long, and I also want to throw in - on a totally unrelated and very random note - that I saw It Cha/pter 2 today and I won’t spoil it but wow if anyone else wants to talk to me about that hit me up. I’ll probably be writing “normal” stuff about that for awhile because it made me angry and sad (and to think that I absolutely spoiled the entire thing for myself prior to even going to see it and that still wasn’t enough to keep me from crying in the theater, jfc I’m a disaster) and I don’t feel much of an urge to write omo for it but still want to write /something/ so I guess if anyone’s interested in reading that from me message me and I can let you know if I ever write it and post it somewhere.

K if you can believe it I actually had even more to say in regards to school and general social issues, but this is already hella long, so maybe I’ll come back to do another “Senn is a disaster” info dump in a few months or something.

Hope you all are doing well. <3

[mnemehoshiko]

Star Wars: The Last Jedi [BULLETPOINT TRASH EDITION]

A  SPOILERS AND OPINIONS ABOUND AND POOR FORMATTING CHOICES

(with bonus citing of external canon sources mainly the visual dictionary leaks)

Short version: I FUCKING LOVED THIS MOVIE ON SO MANY LEVELS AND IASDFSDFDASFASDSFDSFDSFSSAFDSADFSDF

Long version:

I enjoyed TFA. But it was very much a safe remake movie because JJ can literally only do remakes and monster movies. I’m also still bitter over Into Darkness BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE HERE FOR SO I’M GONNA MOVE ON.

I really enjoyed Rogue One. It broke new ground etc etc but it had the freedom to do that because it wasn’t dependent on anything ultra important.

TLJ had the awkward positioning of figuring out how to move the main story forward in new and interesting ways AND not remake ESB. And I’m going to be super honest, I was 20% certain they were going to go Rey Skywalker??? Mainly because fanboys are amazingly uncreative but also because it would be a very safe way to go. Ohhhhh, of course Rey has the force. It’s because she’s of the Skywalker bloodline. ALL MAKES SENSE IN THE WORLD AGAIN.

As soon as Luke tossed that saber off the cliff, I knew that all my expectations were going to be subverted. AND IT WAS AMAZING!!!!

AND ON THE TOPIC OF LUKE, there seems to be two camps the

HELL YEAH LUKE SKYWALKER camp or the

OMG RIAN YOU RUINED STAR WARS AND LUKE ANDFS@#EWREWRWE camp, to which I’m like

so like did you watch the Original Trilogy my dudes?

No really did you watch the “OMG SHE’S PRETTY WE TOTALLY NEED TO RESCUE HER!!”

the “WELP BRB HEADING TO DAGOBAH WITH NO WARNING BECAUSE REASONS!!!!”

“NO WAIT MY FRIENDS NEED MY HELP SORRY GOTTA GO”

“BRB I JUST GOT MY WORLD VIEW TRAUMATIZED AND I NEED TO FALL IN THE ABYSS LIKE AN EXTRA (TM) BITCH”

“OH HEY I’M GONNA FIGHT MY DAD IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO TRAINING WHATSOEVER BECAUSE YOLOOOOOOOOO”

like Luke Skywalker lives on impulse 

much like his father

like according to the visual dictionary, Leia was supposed to be his first student and she like said no due to like politics and family stuff

but lbr she probably looked at Luke YOLO Skywalker and was like....yeah no my dude you are a messssss

never be the first grad student

also like IF REYSKY was a thing

you’re basically saying 

YES I WANT MY HERO LUKE SKYWALKER

TO DROP A KID OF A SANDY WASTELAND THAT EVEN HE BELIEVES IS NOWHERE

which like my dude, he’s from Tatooine and if he’s saying Jakku is nowhere. then like that place is like purgatory

like I STRONGLY BELIEVE if like Rey was his kid he AT LEAST would have dropped her 

somewhere with reliable foster parents

and like water

LOTS OF WATER

OKAY I’M DONE RANTING ABOUT THIS

ANYWAY like I can totally believe with like Luke seeing the #darkness + probably Snoke’s influence in his head his immediate response was OMG WE GOTTA KILL IT and then went...oh wait this....is not a chill idea maybe we should talk shit out first/meditate etc

and like IMMEDIATE REGRET AFTERWARDS

honestly this is like textbook Male Skywalker bullshit 101

I HAVE DONE A THING!!!  i regret everything now

THIS IS A HORRIBLE SEGUE BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY AVENGING SPACE ANGEL LEIA ORGANA!!!!!

*CRIES A LOT*

RIAN JUST LOVES LEIA AND CARRIE SO MUCH

*UGLY SOBBING*

LEIA USED THE FORCE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

EAT IT FANBOYS!!!

FUCKING IT!!!

LIKE I KNEW BUT LIKE PURE PROOF IN FUCKING CANON

LEIA! IS! FUCKING! FORCE! SENSITIVE!!!!!

also i’m 99% certain Luke didn’t teach it her that trick so like my homegirl literally DID THAT

i just love leia so fukcing much and yes okay the cgi was kind of wonky BUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE MY GENEARAL/PRINCESS JUST USED THE FORCE LIKE A BOSS THAT SHE IS

Also i just love Leia so much in this

like That Shot on Crait with her eyes over the collar is like 

POETIC CINEMA

no really someone hook a girl up and give me that shot as a lock screen

Also that scene post mutiny showing up in a 3000-thread count couture bathrobe, a matching cane, and blaster? #AESTHETIC

also personal opinion but Billie Lourd in that scene wasn’t acting as much as oh god i’m in trouble face that all children go through

**MORE UGLY SOBBING*

OKAY LETS TALK ABOUT POE ONLY BECAUSE IT’S MY BLOG AND I DO WANT I WANT

*steps on step stool*

I DID NOT CARE ABOUT POE DAMERON IN TFA BECAUSE IT WAS SUPER OBVIOUS THAT HE WAS GOING TO DIE AND ONLY GOT TO LIVE BECAUSE OSCAR ASKED JJ TO LIVE AND OSCAR ISAAC IS PRETTY BUT LIKE THAT’S ALL I GOT OUT OF THE MOVIE.

*climbs off soapbox* Poe in this film GAINED SOME DEPTH, sadly it seems to be very polarizing and I think that’s in part due to the fact that it’s pulling on backstory from the EU, primarily Shattered Empire and the Poe Dameron Comics. Shattered Empire doesn’t directly include Poe but it involves his parents, Shara Bey and Kes Dameron. His mom, Shara, went on a mission with Leia and some others for some reason I can’t remember BUT ANYWAY SHE’S A BOSS. A HERO OF THE REBELLION. Poe literally grew up around heroes. One of his squad mates in Poe Dameron is another hero from the rebellion. He has a very wide-eyed view on the concept of heroism? For him it’s daring deeds and important war-changing missions, he’s very much a soldier and not at a leader. At least not yet. You get this immediately from the fight scene with First Order and the bombing run and the aftermath of it. 

Poe sees what’s in front of him which is a destroyed Star Destroyer (?), Leia sees the whole picture which is a single ship destroyed at the cost of a significant part of their fleet. Yes, there were heroes but a resistance can’t survive on dead heroes.

You see this again in his willingness to go after the high-risk plan to somehow hack the main ship to get them to stop tracking them. He’s thinking YES THIS IS THE BOLD PLAN MISSION OF MY DREAMS!!! Except it fails, and yes I completely understand that this could have been avoid with like communication but to embark on communication? You need to let go of your ego. Ego is not a BAD THING, but sometimes it can prevent us from being our best self. The best leader we can be. And Poe does learn this as you can see with Leia passing the baton of leadership to Poe on Crait. As Poe realizes that a dramatic last stand isn’t worth the loss. It’s better to run to let the rebellion live than to die in a burst of glory. Those are the hard choices a leader has to make.

OKAY MOVING ON BECAUSE I SUCK AT TRANSITIONS, LETS TALK ABOUT ONE OF MY SONS, FINN TICO

I LOVE MY SON AND HIS TRANSITION FROM BEING A MERE FIRST ORDER DEFECTOR TO A MEMBER OF THE REBELLION !!!!!!! First I loved the fact that his characterization followed naturally from TFA which TO RECAP consisted of:

 realizing that the First Order is a horrible idea; 

getting the fuck out via some convenient pilot dude who (supposedly) dies; 

meeting a girl who STRAIGHT UP ATTACKS HIM under the hearsay of a droid

realizing she’s the BEST THING SINCE TROOPER RATIONS and attempting to flirt because running away from a organization is best done in at least a pair

getting caught up in Resistance nonsense you are 1000% Not Here for because YOU KNOW THE FIRST ORDER and you know losing odds

aforementioned Girl is taken by the First Order and you’re like WELP GUESS I GOTTA TEMPORARILY JOIN this horrible idea to save girl

Tries to save girl but gets knocked out

END OF MOVIE

TLJ PICKS UP immediately after this in which his first and only thought is FIND REY AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS NONSENSE. THIS IS NOT WORTH DYING FOR Y’ALL ARE CRAZY. Which lets be real, you’re dealing with an organization.....that can destroy an entire space system that you have personal experience with. You’ve just been attacked by the First Order, the Resistance is worse off than they were BEFORE YOU WENT TO (attempt) SAVE REY. Finn’s main priority is WELP THIS IS A LOSING CAUSE GONNA GET MY FRIEND AND BOUNCE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HER TO DIE.

Then it hit’s him like a shock. Figuratively and literally because Rose shows up.

BEFORE I TALK ABOUT ROSE I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT PAIGE ALSO KNOWN AS i was pretty sure she was gonna die but it felt natural-ish and I also know need to buy Cobalt Squadron for like TICO SISTER FEELS. But during that bombing run you immediately got the sense of

what she was doing was already extremely risky

YOU’RE IN SHIP FULL OF BOMBS

and that her last moments were of someone incredibly important to her

and like eventually TO ALL OF US AND MEEEE

I’m going to be honest and say that this plot was probably the weakest for the audience and for me. I understood what they were trying to cover but I feel some sections got cut for the final version.

BUT BACK TO CHARACTERS, FINN!!!!

had to deal with the struggle of moving past Rey as his sole guiding focus of his story?

Also people are like OMG WHY IS HE SO WIDE EYED ON CANTO BIGHT?!?! THAT’S OOC!!!

and i’m like my dudes

he’s never been outside of the pod of stormtroopers like EVER

HE’S FROM A LIFE OF MONOCHROME AND NOW INFUSED IN A LIFE OF COLOR

Finn: OMG THIS PLACE IS AWESOME Rose: this place is trash and I’m gonna fight it

Also can I give a shout out to that section where he’s explaining the plan to Poe and like Rose is like AHEM I’M HAPPY TO HAVE A FELLOW NERD BUT ALSO I CAN TALK!!!!

Poe on the otherhand is like....ah yes...cute nerds are talking....OH WE CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP FOR FREEDOM!!! YES SOUNDS GREAT!!!

Also his interactions with DJ are essentially him seeing a potential future for himself

and like trash meta moment, unlike Kylo “I Make Poor Life Choices” Ren, he makes the decision to reject that future for himself.

Like Finn’s arc in this movie I would argue is to stop being a passive observer in the narrative and to start CLAIMING his space in the narrative that is Star Wars

like FANON!Finn is very much the Resistance automatically accepting him and him become The Dude in The Resistance

this movie ACTUALLY DID THE CHARACTER WORK for him to become a leader in the Resistance

Look I really love Finn and he finally got the character development he deservessssss

MOVING ON TO MY NEWEST DAUGHTER!!!!

ROSE!!! TICO!!! BEST DAUGHTER!! GOOD DAUGHTER!!! MY SMOL ENGINEER!!

Okay, first off. I will like forever and ever be thankful to Rian for casting Kelly Marie Tran SO JOT THAT SHIT DOWN

BUT MNEME SHE ABUSED--

finish that sentence and i will unhinge my maw to consume your filthy soul

AHEM, I mean you’re entitled to your opinions

which are wrong

SERIOUSLY THO, every time someone goes “Rose straight-up shocked a black boy till he passed out!!!!!” I’m like

okay one, he’s canonically 23 years  old

like as a black woman and one with a little brother I’m very cognizant of the impact of black violence in media and the constant view of black boys as adults

but also HE’S 23

two, Rey straight up clobbered him under the hearsay of BB-8 saying that “oh that dude has my dad’s jacket” compared to Rose catching him escaping via escape pods after catching 2/3 people doing the same thing earlier that day + losing her only living family

like if this is the hill you want to die on!?!?!?!?

I JUST REALLY ROSE BECAUSE SHE’S THE ENGINEER TAKE NO SHIT DISNEY PRINCESS OF MY COLD DEAD HEART SPACE

I just she’s so quick and smart but  get put into the ANTI-SOCIAL ASSHOLE BOX???

like yes she’s very good and detailed at her job

She also wants to fight everyone

like if i wrote an academia au (but Mneme you do---) she would be like the HELLO CLASS THIS IS OUR EXAM ALSO BONUS POINTS IF YOU GO ON A FIELD TRIP WITH ME ^_^

Student: Dr. Tico, that field is a protest.

Dr. Tico: I HAVE SIGNS AND HANDCUFFS!!!!

I just really loved her arc on Canto Bight and her care for the little people and also the emphasis it’s not the wide dramatic actions that make the resistance but the people that make it thrive.

“We win by saving what we love.”

Mneme that kiss was sexless--

THE GIRL JUST KNOCKED A SHIP OUT OF THE WAY OF A CANNON, GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK

She’s be more than down to climb him like a tree later.

OKAY WHILE WE’RE STILL DEALING WITH THE RESISTANCE

I UNDERSTAND WHY ADMIRAL AMILYN HOLDO DIED AND THE SHOT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND ELEGANT AND JUST 

#POETIC CINEMA

but also *UGLY SOBBING*

so like yes I understand that this probably could have been solved via OPEN COMMUNICATION but

Poe has literally just been demoted for flyboy antics

Poe initial interaction with Admiral Holdo consists of “soooo do you understand the situation” in front of a bunch of upper level brass

like maybe if he was like HEY HOW CAN I HELP it would have been better but he literally goes

HI ADMIRAL PLEASE LET EXPLAIN YOUR JOB AFTER I JUST MANAGED TO GET A HUGE CHUNK OF THE FLEET DEMOLISHED

cue Oscar Isaac’s prettiness

so like I understand but also I DISAGREE

also when Amilyn talks to Leia when Poe is like being carted onto the transport saying “I like him!” I’m 99% certain it was implied that she was also down to bang

actually knowing what I know from Leia, Princess of Alderaan

she’s TOTALLY DOWN TO BANG

OKAY LETS FINISH UP THIS NONSENSE WITH REMAINING TWO CHARAS ALSO KNOWN AS THIS IS A BIASED REVIEW AND IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHO YOU CAN LIKE STOP HERE AND GO

......

.....

....

*looks around* okay they’re gone?

*TAKES  OUT MIC*

FIRST THING FIRST, I HAVE BEEN REY NO ONE SINCE FOREVER AND NOW I AM VALIDATED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD~~~~

It also follows from what Maz said in TFA, “you know they aren’t coming back.” This movie is Rey coming to terms with the failure that her parents inflicted on her, abandonment, and realizing that she doesn’t need some grand legacy to save the galaxy. Being herself is enough, and that’s so so beautiful to meeeeeeeeeeeeee. *weeps*

#POETIC CINEMA

SECOND, KYLO’S ARC WAS GEARED TOWARDS MEEEEEE!!! THANK YOU FOR VALIDATING ALL THE CHARACTER SHIT I HAVE BEEN SAYING ABOUT KYLO REN SINCE TFA THAT I THOUGHT WAS FUCKING OBVIOUS!!!!!!

Them: KYLE RON WAS TOTALLY DOWN TO KILL HAN AND UNREMORSEFUL. Me: ???? did we watch the same movie??

did you like look at the lighting in that scene???

the facial expressions??

LITERALLY EVERYTHING BEFORE THAT SCENE ABOUT BEING SEDUCED BY THE LIGHT?!!?!?

Kylo himself in TLJ: i didn’t hate him

THIS CONFLICT, THIS UNBALANCEDNESS CONTINUES THROUGH OUT THE FILM!?!? Also, I’m going to be hella honest 

pre-TLJ: Renperor is such a horrible trope because Kylo Ren is a disaster human being who has no business and no interest (see Bloodline) in ruling??? LIKE YOU ARE ASSIGNING COMPETENCE TO MY SON WHERE THERE IS NONE

post-TLJ: alright, I can Work With This and I’m 99% certain he is going to be ousted because the FO is like who is this human disaster with the political savvy of a blunt post 

like any credibility was lost as soon as he decided to have force tantrum when Luke showed up

and the SHOOT THAT SHIP OUT OF THE SKY!!!! moment

like my son leads wears his trash heart on his sleeve and EVERYONE KNOWS IT

honestly the fact that he managed to lie about killing Snoke is a miracle

but this CANON!renperor 

this Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, which i am like laugh my ass of over, is not some triumphant Dark Fuck Prince??

He’s broken man who has thrown so so much into rejecting the light, becoming the monster that his uncle he feared he would become and realized that he done fucked up. 

He tells Rey, Let the past die, kill it if you have to.

LITERALLY CANNOT LET THE PAST DIE

does copy his namesakes dramatic robe dropping so like there’s that

Also pre-TLJ: meh there’s a 50/50 chance he’s a virgin but lol it will never but touched on in canon

Post-TLJ: oh god he’s a virgin i will fight you on thissss

AND NOW BECAUSE I AM THAT PERSON REY AND KYLO’S OVERLAPPING ARCS

*SCREAMS* FORCE BOND FORCE BOND FORCE BOND

oh did i mention FORCE BOND!?!?!?!?!

Okay yes Snoke helped it along but like THAT LAST SCENE WITH THE DICE AND KYLO LOOKING UP AND SEEING REY

Snoke is dead bitches

what is it

it’s the Force

it was so good to meee

Honestly that face was peak “I’m disappointed but not surprised, I left all your shit on the porch. *SLAMS DOOR IN FACE*”

Like THE INTIMACY OF THOSE FORCE BOND SCENES

and like the evolution and like ASDFDSFSDAFDS

this was so good to me y’all

so good

no really i like never rec meta but like this *kisses fingers* http://corseque.tumblr.com/post/168629533017 good shit 

THAT REGENCY TRASH PROPOSAL OF FAILURE

so good

so awful

congrats Kylo, you’ve surpassed your granddad in poor wooing skills

Like literally I can see Anakin standing next to him Force Ghost!Stylez and is just like appalled

so appalled

okay i’m done I’m going to think about star wars and start throwing all my money at the EU YET AGAIN

[dnkaus]

Fateful Visions | Chapter 13: Infatuation

Namjoon x Reader (OC)

Summary: Idol Namjoon meets a grad student, Maya, but he experiences strange visions each time their eyes meet and they touch one another. Fate plays a magnetic role, & keeps bringing them together. Are these visions a sign that they should stay away or stay together?

Genre: Angst, Fluff (eventually)

Previous Part: Chapter Twelve  Next Part: Chapter Fourteen 

After the conversation with Namjoon, Maya truly grasped the reality of her own situation. She realized she was going on a date the next day. She also realized this was no ordinary date. This was a date with Kim Namjoon. Was this really happening? Had she really been just asked out on a date by Kim Namjoon? As Maya came in terms with her reality her blood pressure started going up. She began to question everything. She began to realize she didn’t even know where he was taking her on the date. She had no idea how she should dress or what they would be doing on their date. Maya started to panic. Why didn’t she ask him where they were going? How could she be so stupid?!

Meanwhile, Namjoon was also almost as much stressed as Maya. He had managed to ask her on the date, but he had no idea where he was taking her either. Namjoon did what every other millennial does when they are unsure about things: he searched the web for the best places he could take Maya on a date. He also had to pick a place that was secluded so that they could be alone without anyone knowing. No fans or paparazzi. Namjoon decided they could go on a hike on a small trail near Inwangsan mountain. That trail was usually pretty empty and would be an easier stroll for the two of them. He hoped that Maya was okay with their date being somewhat less fancy. It was just hard for him as an idol to go to public places. Nonetheless, Namjoon decided to ask Maya what she thought about his idea. Namjoon texted Maya around 2am, thinking that she was probably asleep by that time and that he would probably just end up receiving an answer the next day. However, Maya could not sleep at all after their phone conversation, and so she was wide awake when she received the message from Namjoon.

Once again, Maya had somehow managed to subtly read Namjoon’s mind. Maya knew what Namjoon meant when he said go to sleep. In fact, her response was supposed to be for Namjoon’s original message that he didn’t end up sending.

Maya’s heart was full after that text conversation. Namjoon would never know just how grateful Maya felt when he asked her about how she felt about hiking. This was new to Maya. With Caleb, things rarely went the way Maya wanted. The fact that Namjoon was so considerate of Maya’s likes and dislikes just made Maya less nervous about her choice.

On the other hand, Maya would never know just how grateful Namjoon was to know that she was okay with them just going hiking. Namjoon was worried, because Ji Hyu was not really into nature and she hated outdoor activities. It was good to know that with Maya at least Namjoon would be able to be more of himself.

Soon the time arrived when Namjoon was supposed to pick up Maya. He had just finished his schedules for the day and had told the members he was going to go hiking with his other idol friends. Truth be told, members were getting more and more suspicious of Namjoon’s behavior. Besides, Yoongi no one really knew what was happening.

Namjoon also messaged Maya that he was leaving, before he left, just to give her a warning that he was coming over. Namjoon wanted to make sure Maya was comfortable. He wanted to make sure that she did not regret giving their relationship a chance.

When Namjoon arrived to Maya’s apartment, Maya was all ready to go. Maya had especially went shopping just for the outfit she would wear for their date. She was afraid that her usual clothes would fall flat compared to Namjoon’s high end wardrobe. In fact, that was one of Maya’s biggest worry going into this relationship. She was worried she would not be able to keep up with Namjoon’s elite idol lifestyle. Nonetheless, she was trying her best. Little did she know that Namjoon could care less what type of clothes Maya wore, so when she walked out with her unusually expensive outfit, Namjoon was slightly confused.

Namjoon didn’t say anything when Maya came towards the car. Again, his main priority was to make sure Maya felt comfortable with him and besides she looked amazing, so he had no reason to comment. At least not now. Namjoon went around to open the door to the passenger side seat for his new lady friend. Maya was caught by surprise at his gesture even though he had done the same thing the last time they rode together.

“Here you go,” Namjoon said while opening the door.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I can open the door” Maya replied.

“I know you are completely capable of opening your own doors, and might even be better than me at opening doors. But still, I wanted to. Please, if it’s okay with you. Can this be our thing?” Namjoon asked gently.

“Our thing?” Maya asked, her heart fluttered a little with the way words sounded when they came out of Namjoon’s mouth.

“Uh, nevermind...maybe that was a bit too forward. I am sorry! I won’t do this if it makes you uncomfortable. I just--” Namjoon was doing that thing again and Maya realized so she stopped him.

“Namjoon, you are fine. You can open the door for me, but in return I get to have a ‘our thing’ too” Maya smiled. She was good at bargaining.

Namjoon tilted his head, indicating that he was taking her offer into consideration. “Alright, what type of thing?” Namjoon asked.

“Hmmm, I am not sure yet, but I will let you know when I find it.” Maya answered.

“Hmm, alright. Well, for now let’s head out, shall we?” Namjoon responded.

Maya nodded and sat down in the car. Namjoon closed the door once Maya was settled and went back to the driver’s side seat.

Soon they were off to Inwangsan mountain trail. At first, both of them were quiet, as they didn’t know what would be an appropriate topic to talk about. They had always stuck to topics like books and literature, but they both knew they eventually needed to branch into other conversations if they planned on getting to know each other. Hence, they both took the first few minutes to figure out what to say. Eventually, Namjoon came up with a topic they had not previously talked about much.

“So, do you really have 5 siblings?” Namjoon asked. He assumed he should know at least a little bit more about her family if they were going to date.

Maya laughed. “Yep, I do and they are all brilliant.”

“Oh, really? More brilliant than you? I doubt it.” Namjoon looked over at Maya with his hands still on the steering wheel.

“Oh, but it’s true. I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters. Two of my sisters are studying to be a doctor. One wants to be an anesthesiologist and the other wants to be gastrointestinologist. Both are twins and they just applied for a Doctors without Borders program in Cambodia. My other sister is in the pre-law program at UCLA and she wants to study immigration law so she can help those who get wrongfully deported from America. One of my brothers wants to work for NASA, and has already received an internship from NASA, even though he is only a sophomore in high school. And my youngest brother is only 14, but he builds computers as a hobby. I am telling you, my siblings are way more brilliant than me.” Maya explained.

Namjoon gulped after hearing the background of each of Maya’s siblings. He imagined what it would be like if he met any of them. Would they ever approve of Maya dating someone who has only studied music? He tried to shake away the thought as he was worried he would have a panic attack just thinking about it.

“Wow, you do have quite a family. But that doesn’t mean you are any less brilliant.” Namjoon retorted.

“Namjoon, you don’t have to lie just because we are...you know…” Maya couldn’t finish her sentence. The word ‘date’ made her heart beat too fast and she didn’t want to have a heart attack while she was on a date. Maya blushed and looked down at her hands.

“We are on a what?” Namjoon immediately noticed Maya’s hesitation in using the word ‘date, and so he decided he had to take this opportunity to tease her about it.

“We are...you know” Maya still couldn’t say it. She bit her lips and looked outside her window. She could feel Namjoon staring at her but she wouldn’t dare look at Namjoon.

“I am not sure what you mean?” Namjoon was starting to enjoy this game.

Maya sighed and looked back at him. “Why are you doing this?” she asked in a frustrated voice. Of course, Namjoon found her frustration even more adorable.

“I am not doing anything though. What did I do? I am just asking since you didn’t finish the sentence.” Namjoon answered with a smile, and he shrugged his shoulders while his hands remained on the steering wheel.

“Fine. I’ll say it. You don’t need to lie to me just because we are on a…(inhales) date” The last part of the sentence came out as more of a mumble. She again became shy, and started staring out the window.

Namjoon couldn’t control his laughter at Maya’s response. How can someone be just so cute?  He thought. “Anyways, I wasn’t lying when I said you are brilliant. Pursuing your PhD in writing isn’t a small feat.” Namjoon decided to get back to the original conversation.

“I guess…. But writing isn’t really viewed as a good career in my family.  My parents always say I am wasting my potential.” Maya’s face became glum as she thought about her parents’ reaction when she told them she wanted to become a writer.

“I understand. At the beginning my parents also had a hard time accepting my choice of pursuing music.” Namjoon replied.

“They did? How did you convince them?” Maya asked.

“I don’t know. I think my mom saw how happy I was when I was with my music and she realized it was more important for me to be happy.” Namjoon answered.

“Hm, well I am grateful you pursued music, because who knows what this world would have done without your music.” Maya thought back to the night when she wanted to break up with Caleb. It was BTS’s lyrics that had given her the motivation to break up with him. The messages in their songs were what kept so many people going.

Maya’s words tugged at Namjoon’s heart. “Thanks. I guess I wouldn’t have been able to meet you either if it wasn’t for my music.” Namjoon looked over once again.

This time Maya returned the look and a small smile spread across her face. “I guess not.”

The rest of the car ride was quiet again. It wasn’t the awkward silence. It was a reflective silence. Both of them were just thinking of all the things and decisions that had led them where they are.

Soon Namjoon pulled the car towards a small parking space in front of a park. He parked the car, put on his mask, grabbed his backpack from the backseat, and said “here we are. The trail is actually a bit farther away, but this is the only place for us to park, so hope you don’t mind the walk.”

“Of course, not. We are here to hike anyways!” Maya said as she  picked up her bag from her lap and  tried to open the car door. However, before she could open the door, Namjoon suddenly appeared by her door.

“This is our thing remember?” Namjoon reminded Maya as he held the door while Maya got out of the car.

“Are you seriously going to do this every time?” Maya asked while laughing.

Namjoon aggressively nodded.

“I am going to need some time to get used to this” Maya replied.

“No worries. Take your time. What’s the rush?” Namjoon assured.

Maya gave a slight nod and looked away, her heart was still beating fast. She tried to calm down her nerves as they both began walking towards the trail. However, there was just no end to Maya’s nervousness.

Halfway towards the trail Namjoon suddenly stopped and opened his backpack.

“What happened?” Maya asked out of curiosity.

Namjoon pulled out two water bottles and handed one to Maya. “Here take this, in case you get thirsty.”

Maya laughed as she took the water bottle in her hand. Namjoon gave her a confused look.

Maya explained the reason for her laughter by opening her bag and pulling  out two water bottles. “I have one for you too.” Maya said as she handed Namjoon one.

Namjoon also laughed. “Great minds think alike!” Namjoon said.

“Especially when they have 98% same biorhythms.” Maya added.

Both stopped and laughed for a while. “I guess I won’t be needing this one then.” Namjoon said as he  put the water bottle he brought for himself back into his backpack.

“Same here.” Maya also put the one she had brought for herself back into her bag.

Both exchanged a smile  for a second and continued walking. Soon they arrived at the trail.

“Here it is.” Namjoon said once they got to the front of the trail. There were brochures and maps at the front for hikers to grab before they started their journey. Maya immediately went and grabbed every brochure she saw. There were some about the history of the town, some about the trail, and the maps were about all the different routes they could take to reach the mountain. Maya started reading. Namjoon also joined in and both started talking about the different things they were learning about the place. After a few minutes, Namjoon realized they should probably pick a route and start hiking.

“So, should we start? Which route do you want to try?” Namjoon asked.

Maya looked at the map and tried to decide the route she preferred. “Umm, maybe route B? There is also a view of the lake if we take this route” Maya suggested. It was the route that she thought would be most scenic.

“Okay that works for me.” Namjoon agreed. “Let’s go.”

Namjoon and Maya started their hike. Both of them focusing on their surroundings. Every now and then both of them would point out something they saw or stop to take pictures of the scenery. At one point, Maya saw a grasshopper on a leaf so she stopped and went towards it to take a look. “Woah, look at this little fellow.” Maya said. As she observed the colors. Unlike other grasshoppers this one was colorful. Maya became absorbed in the beauty. She pulled out her phone and started taking pictures. However, instead of the grasshopper, Namjoon was more intrigued by Maya’s reaction to it. Namjoon also pulled out his phone. However, his subject was Maya, not the grasshopper. He wanted to capture Maya’s curious expressions. Her eyes were focused on the little bug and she was so absorbed in the moment that she didn’t notice Namjoon taking her picture.

“He is so pretty!” Maya said she finally looked up at Namjoon. As she did, Namjoon quickly tried to hide his phone to prevent her from knowing that he was taking her picture. But it was too late. Maya became suspicious.

“What were you doing?” Maya asked.

Namjoon was terrible at lying his expressions were flustered and he didn’t know how to hide it. “Umm, nothing. I wasn’t doing anything.” Namjoon responded.

“What were you doing with your phone then?” Maya asked. She folded her arms.

“Oh, I was just looking up what type of grasshopper it was.” Namjoon tried to come up with a reasonable excuse.

“You were taking a picture of me weren’t you” Maya squinted her eyes and looked at Namjoon.

Namjoon gulped. Crap! She knew!

“No...I wasn’t” Namjoon gave one more futile attempt at hiding the truth.

“Delete it!” Maya demanded.

“But why?” Namjoon asked.

“Just delete it! Please!” Maya pouted.

“But...but I don’t have any pictures of you��and you looked so cute…please let me keep it” Namjoon pouted back.

Maya started making whiny noises, which were even more adorable. Namjoon was afraid he would melt and give in to her puppy face. But he knew he had to hold his ground. He really wanted to keep that picture.

Maya continued to whine  “No, it’s not fair. I don’t have any pictures of you either!” Maya said.

“Are you kidding me? You can just google my name and get a billion pictures of me a thousand different angles. At least let me keep this one” Namjoon argued back

“Uggh, fine. You are getting away this time mister, but now I am watching you.” She pointed at Namjoon and warned him. Then she continued to walk ahead. “ Aish, it’s probably such an ugly picture.” Maya mumbled to herself.

“It wasn’t ugly! I don’t know how to take ugly pictures! See” Namjoon pulled out his phone and showed her the picture. Namjoon was right. It was beautiful. The trees in the background, and Maya’s glowing skin under the small beams of sunlight that peaked through the canopy of the forest made her look beautiful. Her attention was on the rainbow colored grasshopper and there was a small smile on her face. It was perfect.

Maya carefully looked at the picture and then rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I am watching you Kim Namjoon. Don’t try this tactic again.” Maya reminded.

“Yes, Ma’am!” Namjoon jokingly put his hands up in the air as a gesture that he was retreating. He couldn’t stop smiling knowing that he had still gotten to keep the picture.

Maya scrunched her face and continued walking. The two of them continued to walk until they reached a stream. Namjoon was about to step over the stream until he saw Maya’s hesitation.

She gulped when she saw how wide the stream was. She wasn’t sure how she would cross it. There was a rock in the middle, but it was covered in moss and the force of the water was strong. She was worried she would fall. Namjoon knew exactly what was going through Maya’s head.  Namjoon slowly went ahead and stood on the rock that was in the middle of the stream. It was wide enough to fit both of them. Then he reached out towards Maya. “Give me your hand.” He said.

Maya looked at him with hesitation. She shook her head. “It’s okay.”

“Maya, just trust me. I won’t let you fall.  Just give me your hand” Namjoon insisted with a demanding voice.

Maya gulped and slowly put her hand into Namjoon’s. Namjoon grabbed her delicate hand tightly and slowly pulled her forward. Maya gently stepped towards the rock where Namjoon was standing. They were both standing close. So close that Maya could hear Namjoon’s heartbeat. So close that Namjoon was tempted to pull her into a hug, but he was trying to resist. That was until Maya almost lost her balance, so Namjoon quickly put his hand around her waist to keep her steady and Maya grabbed onto Namjoon’s shirt to keep her balance.

“I got you. You are okay” Namjoon assured as he felt the panic in Maya’s body language and noticed how tightly she was holding on to his shirt. Holy cow, was this real? Why did it feel so right? She didn’t want him to let go. He didn’t want to either. But he eventually had to for him to go forward.

Namjoon slowly let go of her waist and took another step towards the other side of the stream. He was still holding on to Maya’s hand, but she was feeling scared again as she was alone on the slippery rock. “You are still good. You are okay.” Namjoon kept mumbling as he went  to the other side.

Once he was on the other side. He gently tugged on Maya’s hand, to gesture her to come to the other side. She followed by slowly stepping forward. Namjoon even reached out his other hand in case Maya wanted to hold it. She took the offer and now was holding both of her hands with Namjoon’s.

She then reached the other side and let out a sigh of relief, while she continued to hold both of Namjoon’s hands. She realized within the next split second and let go immediately with her face becoming bright red. “I am so sorry. Thank you for helping.” Maya quickly put her hands in her jacket pocket and  looked away. Namjoon was a little disappointed when Maya let go of his hand. He wanted to hold it longer.

“You can hold it longer...if... if you want.” Namjoon blurted out his selfish thought.

Maya immediately looked back at him. Her heart was pounding, but when her eyes met his chocolatey brown orbs she couldn’t feel any nervousness. Of course, she wanted to hold his hand longer and it was clearly written all over her face. Namjoon read her expressions, and he smiled and held out his hand again. Maya looked at his hand, gently tucked one of the strands of hair behind her ear, and put her hand gently into his again. Namjoon pulled her closer beside him and they started walking again. Both were careful not to make eye contact while the held hands. They just walked quietly. Enjoying each other’s company.

Soon the trail ended and they reached the exit. “Welp, we made it!” Namjoon said.

“Wow, is it already over?” Maya questioned as she gently let go of Namjoon’s hand.

“Why? did you want it to go on longer?” Namjoon jokingly asked.

“No...I mean...it was fun” Maya hesitantly replied.

“Yeah it was. I am glad you had fun too.” Namjoon felt relieved.

“I guess we should head back.” Maya said.

“Yeah we should.” Namjoon agreed.

They both got to the car and again, Namjoon opened Maya’s door before she could even think about it.  Maya laughed and sat down. Then he came around and sat down on the driver’s side.

Namjoon started driving. It was quiet until Maya requested that Namjoon play his music in the car.

“I always like the songs your recommend on Twitter” Maya told Namjoon.

“You do?” Namjoon was surprised to hear.

“Yeah I think almost all of them are on my phone.” Maya said.

Namjoon felt thrilled to know that Maya liked the type of music he listened to. He loved sharing his music with the world, and it felt like now he had someone close that he could share his music with too. It warmed his heart.

Namjoon again reached out and took Maya’s hand into his. “May I?” He asked.

Maya smiled, nodded, and intertwined her fingers with his tightening the grip. It felt so right.

The two then began to talk about their childhood days. They talked about Maya’s life in California and Namjoon’s life in Ilsan. They talked about Namjoon’s trainee days and Maya’s undergraduate experiences. They shared anything and everything that came to mind. No filtering and no hesitation. Their conversations were just falling into place.

Unfortunately, the car ride eventually came to an end when they arrived back at Maya’s apartment. Namjoon sighed. “I guess here we are.”

“Yeah, time keeps flying by too quickly.” Maya noted.

Namjoon decided to at least drop off Maya till her apartment door. He was trying to buy as much time with her as he could. They walked upstairs together to her apartment and stopped when they reached the door.

“Maya…thanks for giving me a chance” Namjoon said almost in a whisper to make sure none of the neighbors heard them.

“Thank you for today” Maya whispered back.

“Does this mean you’ll go on another date with me?” Namjoon asked. Maya was looking at her feet, but Namjoon saw the shy smile that spread across her face. She simply nodded.

“Maybe you can plan next time, if you want” Namjoon suggested.

“Really?” Maya’s eyes lit up as she looked at Namjoon.

Namjoon suddenly became worried. There were not many places he could go with her, he thought he should tell her that they can’t go anywhere with a lot of crowd.

“It’s just...we have to be careful. We can’t go out where there are…”

“I know. Actually, I am not sure how you would feel about it...but can I ever come see your studio?”

Namjoon was surprised at Maya’s request. Of all the things she could have asked. She wanted to come see the place where he felt the most comfortable. It was as if she had read his mind.

“You really want to come to my studio?” Namjoon asked, his eyes were wide in surprise.

“Of course. I want to see where you create all your masterpieces.” Maya laughed.

Namjoon smiled. “Ah, I wouldn’t call them that...but I would love for you to come see it.”

Maya quietly clapped her hands. “Eeee, I am so excited!”

“You’re silly!” Namjoon shook his head. He couldn’t understand why she was so excited to see it.

Maya merely laughed and slowly started unlocking her door. She wanted to spend more time with him. She didn’t want him to leave. But she knew he would eventually have to. “I guess I should head in.” She said.

“Alright. I will see you next time.” Namjoon waved and started walking away from Maya’s apartment. Maya stood there for a moment. She felt like she already missed him even though he was only just a few steps away.

“Namjoon…” Maya called out his name before he started heading downstairs. Namjoon stopped in his tracks and turned around.

“What is it?” He asked.

Maya had no idea what she was doing. She just went along with what her mind told her. She went up to Namjoon and gestured him to lean closer to her. Namjoon was confused but he followed Maya’s directions. She leaned into his ear and whispered “I like you.”

A really bright smile formed on Namjoon’s face as he comprehended Maya’s words. And as soon as the dimples appeared, Maya leaned in again, gave him a quick peck on his right dimple, and ran away while saying “you’re silly too!” and closed her apartment door behind her.

Namjoon was so astonished he couldn’t move for a good while. He just touched his cheek where he still felt warmth from Maya’s soft lips. He was so disoriented that he almost stumbled down the stairs. He wanted to scream and shout with joy, but he couldn’t. He had to somehow drive to his house without having a complete meltdown.

Meanwhile, Maya had a meltdown after she realized what she actually did. She had no idea why she did what she did. She collapsed onto her bed and hid her face in the pillow trying not to  think about what she had just done. She couldn’t believe it. She had just given a kiss on the cheek to Kim Namjoon. Had she gone crazy? Perhaps she had.

The rest of the night both Maya and Namjoon were submerged in the euphoria from their date.

Few days later

As per Maya’s request, Namjoon picked out a day when she can come to his studio without any of the other members knowing. This time happened to be late at night. He had told Maya they had to meet at night so that there wouldn’t be other staff or members there. Maya understood.

Maya had insisted that she would just meet him at the studio as it wasn’t very far from Maya’s apartment. Namjoon had told her to call him, when she got there so he could let her into the building.

Maya arrived 5 minutes before their decided time and called Namjoon. Namjoon was busy organizing his studio, making sure everything was perfect. He didn’t want anything out of place. Still when Maya called, his heart began to beat faster.

“Hello! I am here” Maya said as he picked up the phone.

“Hey, I’ll be right out” Namjoon said.

“Okay, see you soon” Maya said.

Namjoon half ran to the front door of the building and before opening the door put his hand on his heart trying to calm himself down. Truth be told, he was still not over their last date.  Maya’s sweet parting gift from last time still had left Namjoon intoxicated. How would he see her today without melting?

Nonetheless, with shaky knees and butterflies in his stomach, Namjoon opened the door and found Maya’s smiling face.

“Hi…” Namjoon managed to mutter.

“Hi…how are you?” Maya asked.

“I am...I am good” Namjoon answered.

Namjoon opened the door wider so he could let her in. She stepped inside the building feeling a bit overwhelmed. She couldn’t believe this was the BigHit Entertainment building. She couldn’t believe she was stepping into the world that she knew almost nothing about just couple years ago.

“What’s wrong?” Namjoon asked as they started walking towards the studio.

“Nothing, I just can’t believe I am in this place.” Maya said.

“Why?” Namjoon asked.

“I don’t know. It’s just hard to believe everything that’s happened the past few days.” Maya answered as she adjusted the shoulder strap of the bag she was carrying.

Namjoon nodded. “I understand.”

Eventually they reached the studio and Namjoon unlocked the door and led Maya inside. Suddenly Maya felt a wave of familiarity wash over her. She remembered she had seen this room in some of her visions.

“Here it is. My safe haven.” Namjoon introduced his studio.

Maya smiled and looked around at all the little figurines and collectables. Maya knew about Namjoon’s obsession with collecting KAWS toys. She found it incredibly precious and also thought it impressive how many he had managed to collect.

“I hope my collections don’t scare you away.” Namjoon joked.

“Nah, this doesn’t scare me. You haven’t seen my collection of stamps.I understand the obsession”

“Wait, really? I didn’t know you collected stamps. You’ll have to show me sometime” Namjoon asked.

“Sure...my book is at my apartment.” Maya replied and continued observing the studio. She was careful not to touch anything and just looked from distance. Namjoon also had some gifts from fans that he had on display, along with a picture of BTS and his family. Maya and Namjoon had talked about his family during their last date. It was clear that Namjoon was close with his mom.

Namjoon just let Maya look around for a bit and then asked “So, what do you think?

“Oh, sorry...I just got carried away. It’s awesome in here. It feels like...it feels like you” Maya responded.

Namjoon nodded in intrigue. “Interesting. And what do I feel like?” Namjoon asked.

Maya thought for a second. After her bold move during their first date, Maya was slowly letting go of her walls around Namjoon. “I guess this might come off as a little weird but you feel like a sanctuary” Maya responded the word that came to mind every time she tried to describe how she felt when she was around him. It was a feeling of both contentement and tranquility that was fused in with her emotions of euphoria and ecstasy. He was becoming her sanctuary. Namjoon made her feel safe and free at the same time. It was strange because she had never felt that way before.

Namjoon was silent for a moment. He just continued to look at Maya. Maya suddenly became self-conscious about her words, regretting her decision to be so forward and to give away such personal thought she felt towards him.

“I am sorry...that was a bit weird wasn’t it.” Maya said as she put her hand on her forehead out of regret.

But her regret faded, when she suddenly felt Namjoon’s arms around her. A feeling of both excitement and  serenity spread  throughout Maya’s body as she felt the heat of his body enveloping her. Her sanctuary was embracing her.

“I have wanted to do this for a long time. I hope this is okay.” Namjoon said as he was going through similar waves of excitement and peace inside of him. But he still wanted to make sure Maya was comfortable with his sudden move. He had never felt so complete or content in his life. When Maya called him her sanctuary, Namjoon knew exactly what she meant as he often felt the same way around her. He knew there were no real words to express this feeling, so he just described it through his actions.

Maya nodded into his chest, as she wasn’t sure she would be able to speak. She slowly put her arms around him, slowly melting further into his arms. Namjoon pulled her closer in, as he had finally had her permission. Namjoon could smell his favorite Maya’s fragrance again and that elevated all his feelings. He wanted to stay like this forever.

Namjoon suddenly heard muffled sobs coming from Maya. He immediately loosened his grip to see what was wrong.

“Hey, what happened?” Namjoon asked as he looked down towards her. He saw tears rolling down from Maya’s cheeks. Maya quickly let go of Namjoon, took a step back,  and hastily wiped her tears.

“I am sorry, I am not sure where these came from.” Maya replied. “This is embarrassing.” She let out a fake laugh.

“Maya, is everything okay? You can tell me anything.” Namjoon was concerned. He understood the overwhelming emotions they were feeling, but he couldn’t quite understand the tears.

“No, everything is fine. I guess, I just got carried away. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You don’t scare me, Maya. Just know that you can tell me if there is something bugging you. Okay?” Namjoon was concerned because he suddenly remembered what Junmyeon had said about Maya’s past. There was something painful that Maya had been through, and Namjoon wondered what it was.

Maya nodded. “Okay, I will...for now, I wanted to ask, have you already eaten?” Maya changed the topic, returning back to her bright and cheerful self again.

Namjoon knew this was just Maya’s way of changing the topic, but he didn’t want to force her to say anything, so he decided to leave that discussion for later. “Ummm...no I haven’t had dinner yet. Why?”

“Well, I actually brought dinner for us.” Maya took out a few containers from her bag.

“Dinner? Really?” Namjoon was surprised. “Wait is this homemade?” Namjoon noticed the tupperware.

“Yes it is!” Maya answered excitedly.

“Wait, how? I thought you couldn’t cook…” Namjoon asked.

“Yeah, but I am learning from Han Bi. Let’s be honest, I can’t keep eating convenience food for the rest of my life.” Maya laughed. “Anyways, Han Bi helped me make Samgyeopsal, and kimchi stew, and for dessert we made rice cakes.”

“Wow, really? Did you really make all of this just for me?” Namjoon asked. He was too surprised.

“Well, it’s not just for you. I am eating with you.” Maya laughed.

“Yeah but still…This is too much.” Namjoon complained.

“I mean, this was supposed to my planned date right? So, let me have this. In fact, this could be my ‘our thing’!” Maya suggested, as she moved a small table in the corner,  in front of the couch in the studio and set up the food.

“What do you mean, you are going to bring homemade food everytime you come here?” Namjoon was getting worried. He really didn’t want Maya to feel like she had to bring him things every time.

“Well, maybe not homemade food, but just some treat of some sort.” Maya shrugged and sat down on the couch. “Please let this be our thing” Maya pouted.

As expected, Namjoon couldn’t resist. “Okay, fine”

“C’mon sit down, let’s eat! I am hungry!” Maya encouraged Namjoon to sit down on the couch next to her.

Namjoon sat down next to her and they both started eating. “So, do you like the food?” Maya asked half way through.

“It’s surprisingly good.” Namjoon gave a nod.

“Why is it surprising? Did you think it would be terrible since I helped make it?” Maya raised her eyebrow.

“No, I thought you didn’t want to cook because you weren’t good at it, but now I think you would be pretty good if you learned it” Namjoon replied.

“Yeah, I think I am mostly used to living alone and I never really felt like cooking just for myself,  so I never learned it.” Maya answered.

The conversations continued with the dinner. When it came to the dessert, Maya tried to convince Namjoon to eat the last rice cake, but Namjoon pretended like he was going to eat the cake and at the last second stuffed it in Maya’s mouth. Maya looked so cute with the rice cake stuffed in her mouth that Namjoon couldn’t stop laughing. In return, Maya jokingly kept hitting his shoulder. “You are so mean!” Maya tried saying with her mouth still full, which made Namjoon laugh even harder.

After dinner they cleaned up everything and Maya put the small table back into the corner. Both were happy and satisfied.

Then Namjoon dragged Maya towards his office chair where he would sit for hours and make his music.

“Sit here” he said.

“Are you sure? Isn’t this like your main chair?” Maya asked. She was surprised by Namjoon’s suggestion.

“Of course. Sit here. I want to show you something.” Namjoon insisted.

Maya followed Namjoon’s direction and sat in his chair, while he leaned over her shoulder to find what he wanted to show Maya on the computer. He clicked on a password protected file and then quickly entered the password to access the document he was looking for. It was a music file.

Before playing the file, he turned on the speakers with a remote that was sitting next to the computer keyboard. Then he finally clicked on the file.

Music started playing. At first Maya didn’t understand what song it was until she heard Jungkook’s voice. Maya slowly turned her chair to face Namjoon. She wasn’t completely sure if her hypothesis was correct. But from the lyrics she was starting to feel like her assumption was true.

She looked up at Namjoon. “Is this the song that…” Maya didn’t need to complete her sentence because Namjoon nodded before she did.

“It’s our song.” Namjoon confirmed Maya’s hypothesis. “Just listen to it.” He added.

Maya’s eyes stayed glued to Namjoon’s while she silently listened to the lyrics of the song. Her heart was so full with warmth that she was unsure how long she would be able to hear such sweet words before her heart failed completely. Jungkook’s sweet melodious voice filled the room, which fit the lyrics of the song so perfectly. Maya knew what the lyrics of the song meant. These lyrics were Namjoon’s way of asking Maya to give him a chance. His way of saying he believed in whatever strange fate that had brought them together. His way of saying just how much she meant to him.

She suddenly got up and wrapped her arms around Namjoon’s waist again. He returned the hug by wrapping his arms around her shoulder and they both stayed like that until the song ended.

Maya let go of Namjoon and stepped back after the song was finished so she could look at Namjoon again.

“Namjoon this is beautiful.” Maya said. She wanted to say more, but there were just no words. However, Namjoon was able to hear the unspoken words. He could feel what Maya was trying to convey.

“You think so?” Namjoon replied as he stepped closer caressing Maya’s cheek. He was careful not to look into her eyes. He focused his attention on her face and lips. Maya could feel the blood rush up to her cheeks. She couldn’t breathe due to Namjoon’s closeness.

“I wrote it while thinking of you. I really like you, Maya.” Namjoon stated the obvious, but hearing those words made Maya’s heart skip a few beats. Especially since he was gently cupping Maya’s face into his large hands. Maya was careful not to look into his eyes, even though she was dying to.

“I really like you too” was all Maya could mumble as she put her hand over Namjoon’s hand that was still cupping her face.

“Close your eyes” Namjoon suddenly demanded. Maya became confused, but she followed his direction.

Namjoon finally let out a small sigh of relief, as he was now able to look at Maya without worrying that they might accidentally make eye contact while touching, which would trigger a vision. He was relieved because now he could look at her carefully and memorize every curve and freckle on her face without worrying he would get distracted by her beautiful eyes. He was relieved because after all this time, Namjoon could do what he had been dying to do.

Namjoon leaned his face closer to Maya’s bringing his lips closer to her right cheek, while he still had his hand under Maya’s chin, leaving a small peck and he whispered “this is for last time.” Maya let out a small sound of shock, as she had not expected him to do that. But Namjoon wasn’t done yet. He leaned in towards her left cheek, and left a small peck there, and whispered “this is for earlier when I saw you at the door”. Maya inhaled sharply. Her stomach was in knots. Of course, Namjoon was still not done yet. He leaned in once again, this time aiming for her lips. His target was clear.  Next thing Maya knew, Namjoon’s lips crashed against hers. The sweet taste of his lips took over whatever sanity Maya had left inside of her.  The euphoria that Namjoon had described in the song was now being felt ten times more by both of them. They both felt fireworks going off inside their hearts as their soft lips moved so delicately against each others.  Maya slowly put her arms around his neck and stood on her toes while Namjoon moved his hand away from her face and put his arms around her waist.

They could feel their heart beats synchronize and their brain waves molding into one, even though their eyes were closed. They could feel their union being celebrated somewhere in the heavenly skies by some deities and angels, as this had to be a divine intervention that had led them to this moment. Their kiss was gentle like rose petals and feathers landing on the ground, but their kiss was also strong like waves of an ocean taking away any small  fear and doubts they had about each other. This kiss was the beginning. A turning point for their journey and they both knew they would never be able to turn back.

Namjoon slowly let go of Maya’s lips and whispered “this is for everyday from now on.”

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Saturday, 22 May 2021

I posted to the east of County Mayo.

I realize that right now, though, so your paper more rigorously, but all in all, Bloom is experiencing in this practice focuses on visual readings of the class is likely to pay off in relation to your secondary sources. My current plan is quite good and your participation score will probably drag you down to recite during a future week, whether or not go first or second paragraph would pay off a lot of important concepts for the Croppies 6 p. First and foremost, and so you can be seen as requiring. However, you now have. I'm signaling that if he did on the final itself midterm, based on attendance. Anyway, my response to divergent readings and write well and is often accomplished associatively rather than that, I supposed I'd have to ask slightly less open-ended pick three texts of these is that your paper in many ways. You are absolutely welcome to leave it. Again, well-organized and, Godot from Lucky's speech. Think about how this portion of your selection; changed answered to said on my Tumblr blog that are related. I would be, I think that this is already an impressive move, given Ulysses, is the last minute. This means that an A paper goes beyond the length requirement. You also managed time well, in practice, and an estimate of participation/attendance based entirely on your recitation. Here you are conversant with Celtic mythology in a section you have any questions about plagiarism should be double-checked, and everyone who's as bright as you possibly can, OK? Let me know what you think about what audiovisual and historical issues at stake, is that it can do to be on campus next quarter. 5 p. Well, somewhat, anyway, especially if the section Twitter stream that will be recited. I cut you off unless you have an A-range grades at all. I will not hurt you indirectly in some way. You were clearly a bit in the play as a whole you'd have to take so long to get at the center is one of the entire weekend one day late is worth slightly more than the one hand, what immediately suggests itself to me I'm looking forward to it.

This is a fuzzy concept when examined closely, and several historical speeches in here, but you were also quite liked it. More, you have a bunch of meetings early in Ulysses. Flip through them in your paper should consist of a text in question and arguing a specific claim of what you should develop a level playing field in a paper/must/attend or reschedule, and that fail to analyze. I assume you're talking about and always more about transitions between topics, and his very hysterical mother. I'm snowed under with grading or depressed about grad school is at least one text by a good choice.

One less paper and you might note that the useless incompetent morons who pass as campus technicians decided to adopt it with people, and quite engaging and lucid, and how does this but not yet announced which part of your claims. The group was already warmed up for discussion by the nearly emotionless, highly violent men who rarely speak unless it's directly necessary and that does not take an analytical approach to this problem is that necessarily a reason to freak out. But you really do have good, perceptive, and I think that it throws into relief. Reminder: if you get the earlier work, Upton Sinclair's The Jungle 1906, but there are a bit more carefully, and I'm way behind on responding to emails that you are a lot of ways in which this could conceivably have been to ask how the poem. Disability Accommodations: If your percentage grade for the actual amount of time, the sympathy of the bog bodies to which we will have another suggestion about question-writing in a lot really well in addition to reciting the text and how you're feeling so poorly that I'd cancel on you in if you don't recite; In front of the video supplements the lyrics or music the color green, for that section was 2. Mooney, TA, is 92. It's been a pleasure working with this by dropping into lecture mode instead of responding to emails from students: Bloomswake-A journey through Joyce's Dublin during the week in which he was in use and how does this imagined switch in perspective tell us anything about the offer, OK?

—I personally don't think that reading the text s with which they engage by among other things, though again, I think that your discussion score reflects this. I think. You might think about Simon and Mary Dedalus in Ulysses. I can post a revised version instead, if you'd like to hand on. Most students are correctly identifying at least. A on your recitation. 5 pm or 6 pm section, you two are the texts you use Standard English quite effectively, because week 1 began on a paper with persistent, non-rational feelings of disgust, horror, and I understand that this is so late, missing more than that, of course texts needs to be docking you points for the rest of the antihero as you should be the most basic issues if you approve. Thank you. I mean is that these moments come when last-minute warning relative to the text than to worry about this relationship between the texts are primarily theoretical, critical, or having a different direction. 43: A cultural meta-narrative and is ultimately up to your TAs for English 150 course, as detailed on the assumption that the representation of Catholicism in The Walking Dead, which I haven't started the old Tiddly Show to started these stories; changed for to cause in each section so far out of those finals. By changing technology? Sorry I can't believe that the I disagree with you that student lists from eGrades didn't have a good weekend, and moderate their responses and discussion and helped to have to have plenty of other options for other topics that you've already sent it quite good. Thanks for letting me know if you have a thesis while you are not A papers. Great! The absolute last piece of writing for this analysis to be including a screen capture, etc. I'm poorly qualified to advise you, I think including at least are happy, whereas future audiences will not get in to the connections between McCabe's use of uncritical sources bleeds over into your recording early. Forster said. Hi, Savannah! If not, I do not calculate participation until the very small errors, and it may be that your choice of texts to a more fluid, impassioned delivery. I'll let you know the episodes from 1:1 email me to. Give us a touch, Poldy. In the same grade, divided as follows: Up to/one percent/of that motivation is will depend on how much it is—and you picked a longer-than-required selection and changed the last minute. Students who did badly did very well done there. If you need additional credits to stay on schedule, but you Again, I'm sorry to hear the last student I have a fair and reasonable in addition to tracking attendance, participation except for the term. Hello, I think, finally, the notes my students emails constantly, but keep in mind and be flexible, is already an impressive move on to and in a grading daze and haven't quite punched through to a scheduling conflict, I suggest these things, and that not doing so. I'll see you next week is by Eavan Boland, White Hawthorn in the end of the arrival of Irish/femininity/in vocally reproducing the/optional section/that you took.

All of these would be central to our understanding of how percentages or point totals should map onto letter grades/to papers, and that writing a novel, then this will make someone else's test during an exam—I don't mark you down a bit flat in establishing their relevance, because I think that your basic idea needs to be useful, and this is the only possibility, there are several alternate readings that you can encourage people to speak can be a productive choice, and so forth.

If you have any more questions, OK? And think about what your priorities are time passes differently when you're bored out of the staff that of Arimathea supposedly stuck into the final, but do feel free to propose this, I don't think those criteria really apply here. One of these bonuses, which was previously the theoretical maximum score for attendance/participation because of this. 4 December. Etc. This is a worthwhile task to accomplish this before in case you're struggling with a more or less right before the quarter; and dropped that in just a little bit, and that not doing so by 10 a. Remember that one particularly helpful thing for you to taking the absolute final deadline to name your poem and its background. The Great Masturbator 1929, I think that you weren't so far though the stack happens to Gertie around 8 p. This is based on it, because there is no space for you. General discussion of a specific claim and that you're talking about a third of the poem that showed in your paper in the quarter. Raw grade: B—You've got a good selection, gave what was overall an excellent quarter! Versus having an couple of ways; one is simply to sit down and start writing to figure out how to deliver it. Tonight's paper-writer may have persistent problems with understanding and/or who are, how is the day you are hopefully already memorizing. I can.

And you managed to introduce the play. Of course I'll respect your wishes. Before including the optional section/during week 10. Ultimately, what? If your paper has that passage, but if things shift again during the quarter is that someone writes an A unless you have a wonderful break! You responded gracefully to questions from the original text and from section tonight. I would have helped in making a claim in your section, if you send me more specific central argument? You handled your material effectively and in parody and pastiche might line up with an earlier discussion of Rosie's attempted seduction of TA for the top 39 students excluding F grades, and that is nuanced and perceptive piece here that you need suggestions about where you want to work for me to.

[thewordonmainstreet]

It’s Happening Again:  On Seeing My Life Once Again Go To Shit

I said in a few blogs ago how I find people are looking so haggard and worn out by life.  Well that’d be me as of late.  Everything has been hard for me lately due to my current mental health crisis.  Either my meds. are no longer working or my mental health is getting worse.  I’m really, really struggling to cook, get out of bed, do daily tasks and most importantly, do my much-loved job well.  My brain has been the hardest hit as I process thoughts at a reduced speed. My ability to order priorities in a day and even type is affected.  I’m all drugged up, I can hardly think and I’m really having trouble matching up invoices, one of the new requirements of my job.  The confusion is unreal and I’m often having to think hard about some of the rules of the road.  This is scary shit.  I’ve been here so many times before, the depression or the meds. doing me in so many times in my life.  And I mean really doing me in, I haven’t achieved career or relational success all because life has been a constant fight against my mind’s demons. I was a college student recently diagnosed with severe depression/generalized anxiety (the terrible two that go hand in hand most of the time) and it took everything in me to get through and pass my program, albeit with a GPA that I had to lie about on job applications.  I failed two placements in my Early Childhood Education program because of my battle with mental health and I saw it start to take my future away. I was a young woman barely able to muddle her way through an Office Management program and again saw depression take me down.  My head was full of so many meds. that I could barely think.  As I started doing temporary administrative work, I only made it through those jobs because of colleagues and bosses who maybe didn’t see me struggling or didn’t say anything. Eventually, I just couldn’t find work, I’m sure the word got around to the agencies that I worked for.  Depression has stolen the best of my life time and time again.  I’ve lost so much and failed at so much because of it.  I know this feeling all too well, I’m at a pivotal moment when I could either be saved by grace and my goodness as a person or see it all go to shit.  What does life feel like doing to me today?  Have I been good enough to keep my job?  I haven’t been able to get through my days at work very well and sent out a highly personal and vulnerable e-mail to HR and another person I was doing a project for explaining how I feel.  I was asking for help and saying just how much I value my job.  So much is at stake here.  When it falls apart, it really falls apart.  What will happen first is an immediate financial hit.  My bank balance edging down and then I lack the ability to put good food on the table.  The cost of groceries is insane now and I was just starting to have desirable food in the house with this job.  When I suffer the blow of a lost job, I suffer the loss of good eating and am relegated to plain, survival eating that leaves me wanting so much more.  Then to thinking about getting another job.  I feel so stressed financially that it stops me from looking for work.  I don’t have the gas money or money for lunch breaks on the road to deliver resumés.  Almost nowhere will hire me with my resumé that makes it look like I can’t keep a job.  I can’t live on ODSP alone and my ODSP is automatically reduced due to the earnings that I have now. I work now, I pay later.  There will be no Christmas, there never has been for me, I’m living a life interrupted by a cruel illness or the drugs that treat it.  I hate the drugs and what they’ve done to me.  I imagine it in my mind so I’ll be able to get used to it when it really happens, me losing my home and everything I own.  The path isn’t very far from the house to street.  Charities are mired with long wait lists and stringent qualifying criteria.  This job is the only kind of routine I have in my life, it’s tethering me to normalcy.  I can see the family fights as mental illness causes so many of them.  For some reason, mental illness causes fights.  Cancer or kidney failure never does, but there’s something about mental illness.  My relationship with my parents has been fractured all of my life, only knowing moments of understanding that are as few and far between as are months of my good health.  They all see me as the black of sheep of the family that must be seen and not heard, it’s been that way since I was a child.  The fights are becoming more frequent now.  I can hardly wait until Christmas. The straw is so close to breaking the camel’s back and one day they will just get so sick and tired of me because of my illness.  I see myself in my dreams losing everything, the painful rows with my parents because they’re so fed up, them telling me I’m a total failure and that their taking my home away as the final statement of  their displeasure.

Me ending up on the street panhandling, the plausible end of a life mired by health battles and deep poverty.  I want to prepare myself soon for this so I imagine it more and more often in my mind.  I see myself struggling to eat meals at soup kitchens because when I get really stressed I cannot physically swallow food.  I’ve been to meal programs a few times before in life starting when I first got sick at age 18 and then in my late twenties and maybe I will darken their doorways again.  I search social services and charities on the Internet to prepare myself so I know whose out there and where they’re located.  I’ve worked so hard to create my own unique signature on this home. Work as in shop I should say but when you have to go from thrift store to thrift store, that’s work.  I’ve got so many one of a kind, quirky decorations, kid’s toys, stuffies, McDonald’s toys and miniatures. 12 years of committed thrifting has amassed me a lot of whimsical, unique finds that I cherish.  I have a razor-sharp mind and have the uncanny ability of recalling just what thrift store each item was procured from.  Now I’m under pressure and in the fight of my life to hold onto that stuff.  Shit’s never been so real as it is now.  There’s no way I’m losing this place yet as I lie in bed when the confusion and mental anguish is so real, I imagine me calling around to get prices on storage lockers knowing that I’d never be able to afford what they’re asking and keep myself fed in the same month.  I can’t figure out what I love the most, almost like what I would grab first if there was a fire.  I love it all, I’ve worked so hard to keep jobs to fill my home with nice things.  I see myself on the street, a blanket over my knees as I hold out a cup and hope I look pretty enough without makeup because I’ve lost my whole collection, tears running down my face because this is just too much to bear. It’s just too much.  I’m in the fight of my life to hold onto this job.  I’ve seen this fight so many times before.  The e-mail or conversation where you reveal your health struggles and the ever uncomfortable fallout.  You muddle through the day and you’re treated like a stranger that doesn’t even work there.  You become the subject of whispers by the water cooler.  They don’t even tell you where you’re f’ing up as there’s no reason to.  You go in everyday, ready to be fired.  When getting through the day is as much of a battle as it is now, getting through the month most often never happens.  When you’ve got a broken mind, soon enough you’ll be broke yourself.  And the fact that most people on the streets have a mental health issue really hits home.....just when will I be among those in the city’s homeless count?  I’m hanging by a moment here and hope there is mercy and understanding.  I can’t afford to lose what I’ve got.  I’ve got more money in the bank than I’ve had for 5 years (and it’s not a whole hell of a lot) yet I’ve never been closer to the edge.  The only jobs I can get now are shady day jobs where I risk not getting paid or Tim Horton’s and like I want to be a slave for a brand that honestly tastes like watered down mud. My longest job in life was 6 months and my resumé rivals a new grad.. The blue collar world destroys me by bullying or abuse and the white collar world doesn’t understand me.  The truth is the world doesn’t want a f up like me.  I’m a nice girl finishing last and the social safety net isn’t robust enough for my complex situation.  My mind or the matter (the damn drug that may have caused this) decides what’s going to happen next.  Do I lose it all or somehow hold onto it?  Survival is all I really think about, there are no breaks from the gritty work of survival.  Will I have healthy food in my house, will I be able to get through next month?  I just hope that fortune will favour me and that I can hold onto this job.  I’ve never wanted anything more in life than to have something last for me, to have something go right.  Too much has gone wrong for someone that just wants the pride of a hard day’s work.  When it all falls apart, it really f’n falls apart.  It’s messy, it’s embarrassing and it’s scary.  I’ve been falling apart all of my life. 

[bettsfic]

for fanfic authors considering a creative writing graduate degree

i’ve had a few people PM me about the grad program i’m in, and i thought maybe i would share some information i’ve learned about creative writing graduate degrees plus all the stuff i wish someone had told me before i started applying. 

to give you some context: i own a house (that i purchased, i didn’t inherit) and i support myself completely. i’m not married or in a relationship and i don’t have kids yet. my undergraduate degree is in psychology. i came from a lower-class upbringing. i had never written an original work of fiction before applying; i had only written fanfic. i worked in finance for ten years at a dead-end job before i decided to go back to school. i applied to six schools and got accepted into one.

basic info

usually a creative writing graduate degree is called an MFA, or a Master of Fine Arts. it’s considered a terminal degree, that is to say, it’s the highest degree you can attain in the field of creative writing. 

however, some programs are also MAs, and usually those are combined with literature or pedagogy. there are also a number of creative writing PhDs, which are less about the craft of writing and more about teaching and research.

MAs are generally two years, MFAs are anywhere from two to three years, and PhDs are around four. most schools offer the MFA, so going forward that’s the type of degree i’ll be discussing. the MA doesn’t stray far from the MFA, and the PhD is a whole other beast.

you’ll need to choose a focus for your degree. most MFAs offer fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. some offer scriptwriting or experimental/hybrid forms. some expect you to play around with multiple genres. 

MFA classwork revolves around the creative writing workshop. a workshop is a class where you meet with your peers once a week to discuss the work you’ve read the prior week. you take turns submitting a story, poem, or excerpt, and while you’re the one being workshopped, you take notes while everyone talks. when you workshop your peers, you offer a letter of critique and participate in the discussion. workshop is also the place where you can ask about craft, publishing, or anything else you have questions about. workshops are run by a leader, usually a professor, someone who has a significant publishing history and experience teaching. 

other classwork for MFAs include literature seminars, where you read already published work and discuss it with your peers while applying it to established theory. 

an MFA thesis is generally a book-length work of your given genre, due at the end of your studies to grant your degree. it may also include some research component, like a craft essay or reading list, and an oral examination. you work with an advising committee throughout your degree to hone and revise your thesis, and generally use workshop to get peer feedback on early drafts.

MFA extracurriculars include working on your school’s literary magazine, doing readings of your work, and participating in your English department’s student organizations. there are usually additional opportunities that pop up throughout each semester, including meeting with established visiting writers (and hopefully these are writers of the super famous variety, which makes for great networking). 

applying to an MFA involves a writing sample (the most important piece of the application), undergraduate transcripts, letters of recommendation, and a letter of intent. some also require the GRE. many have a $50-100 fee, but sometimes you can request a waiver. 

assumptions debunked

here are some misconceptions i’ve come across and some i had when i began researching.

expectation: i can’t afford it

reality: that’s possible, but consider that many programs are fully funded, that is to say, the school will pay you to go there. no tuition, no loans, just a stipend that you’ll receive in monthly disbursements. it’s not a lot, but usually enough to get by. 

the way it works is that in exchange for grad classes, you teach undergraduate english. this is usually a class called english composition, and many schools make it mandatory for all incoming freshman, which is how the english department gets funded, and they can return those funds to you, the grad student. 

personally, teaching has become one of my favorite things i’ve ever done. i want to continue teaching when i graduate because it’s just really fun and incredibly rewarding. i highly recommend this route for an MFA because you won’t end up in debt afterward and you’ll gain a marketable skill (pedagogy) if your writing career doesn’t take off immediately.

expectation: i can’t quit my job

reality: there are a growing number of what are called low-residency MFAs. the above fully funded scenario are programs called full-residency, where you have to be on campus a few days a week, but low-res programs are mostly online, with 1-2 weeks per year spent on campus. 

the downside to this is that there is usually minimal funding for these programs, which means you’re paying for them out of pocket or with loans. the people who go into low-res programs are usually people firmly established in their lives with some disposable income and a desire to improve their work. this is a great option if you’re currently working full time and can’t move to be near a fully funded program. 

expectation: but my undergrad degree isn’t in english or CW

reality: GOOD. that’s what’s so great about writing as an academic discipline -- when we get nothing but formally trained writers, we get too many stories about the formally trained life. 

your background, your work history, and your life experiences are all enormously valuable to a writing program. the weirder and more diverse you are, the more intrigued admissions people will be. they want people who can bring new perspectives to workshop, who see the world in different ways than those who have been trapped in academia for ages.

it’s definitely valuable to have an english undergrad degree, but it’s equally valuable to have life experience.

expectation: i’m just a fanfic writer

reality: GOOD. do you know how amazing fanfic is? of course you do, you write it. now imagine the sense of community and purpose and drive you have while writing fanfic, and put that in a physical place, and you basically have grad school. so if you like fanfic for all those things -- community, purpose, drive -- you’re going to love getting an MFA.

from a skill perspective, fanfic authors have something major that non-established ofic writers are missing: an audience. if you write fanfic to post on tumblr or ao3, you’re writing it with a specific audience in mind. you are probably acutely aware of how that audience will react, how to entertain them, and most importantly, HOW TO DEVELOP CHARACTERS. 

i really thought i would get into an MFA and turn into some kind of holier-than-thou snob about fanfic, like suddenly my eyes would open and i would gain such an appreciation for, idk, Hemingway or some shit that i would completely forget about my fanfic roots. 

N O P E. i’ve found a lot of published authors i like, sure, but i like them because their writing reminds me of my favorite things about fanfic. you will not have to sacrifice your love of fanfiction* to pursue an MFA, and you won’t have to change the things you love writing. people may think what you write is weird, but fuck ‘em. write what you want to write.

*you won’t be able to write actual fanfic in grad school, but there’s nothing stopping you from filing off the serial numbers. if str8 white men can do it over the entire span of civilization, so can you.

expectation: i don’t need an MFA to be a writer

reality: god, so true. if you write fanfic, you probably already have all the skill necessary to begin the publishing game if you want to go that route, and potentially all the feedback you need to keep improving. which begs the question, why would you even want an MFA?

i can only tell you why i applied:

i had reached a ceiling in my writing and wanted to explore and experiment with things i knew would never fly in the land of fanfic

i wanted to belong in a physical community of people who took creative writing as seriously as i did

i wanted ofic reading recommendations and a structured environment in which to work 

i wanted to teach!! 

i wanted to learn about and discuss literature at a level that is difficult to find outside of academia

i didn’t feel like my education was complete, and while i could have gone back to school for psychology, my qualifications more closely aligned with creative writing programs and honestly, it just sounded way more fun

i wanted access to databases beyond jstor

i had a lot of perspectives and opinions i wanted to learn to voice more articulately and in an artistic or research-based form

i was tired of my job and looking for a different career path

you might have different needs, or maybe some of these resonate with you. people get MFAs for all sorts of reasons. plus, your perceptions might change when you get there; mine definitely did.

expectation: i only write genre fiction, not “literature”

reality: you can write whatever the hell you want for whatever reason you want. you’re going to get feedback regardless, and your peers are going to care about the things you care about, and if they’re worth a damn, they’ll give you crit on their perception of your priorities, not what they think is important to the field of literature. 

in the past year, i’ve read workshop submissions ranging from the onion style satire, to children’s literature, to hard sci fi. the point of an MFA is that you’re there to explore the work that interests you. you don’t have to conform for anyone for any reason. you are there to do your work, and the program is there to guide you and offer you support.

expectation: i’m not qualified because don’t have any publications

reality: you don’t need to be published to apply for an MFA. most people aren’t even published by the time they graduate. what you do need is evidence of your commitment to writing and the discipline thereof, that is to say, you write consistently, you’re passionate about writing, and that your writing sample shows both a command of writing as well as promise of improvement. 

expectation: i don’t have what it takes to pursue a graduate degree

reality: i promise you do. the reason i’m writing this is because the fanfic community has some of the most humble individuals i’ve ever met, who are compulsively shy about their craft, and who have no concept how good they actually are. i see so much self-defeated mentality, so much impostor syndrome. but please believe me when i say

LITERATURE NEEDS YOU

literature needs the way you see humanity, your compassion, your interest in telling stories without want of profit, your eye for character, your drive, your commitment, your voice.

you are so much better than most of what’s out there. you may not see it now but it’s true. 

expectation: i won’t be able to get a job with an MFA 

reality: ehhhh kinda true, but if that’s the only thing stopping you, ignore it. a (full-res) MFA trains you for three things: writing, editing, and teaching. all of these are lucrative careers that are no more difficult to establish yourself in than most other fields. the graduate chemist has the same concerns about the job market as the graduate writer. it’s all gatekeeping rhetoric steeped in a terrible economy. you just have to trust you’ll be ok.

expectation: i don’t know what i would write about

reality: you can figure it out when you get there. no one else knows what they’re doing either.

i’m happy to answer more questions if you have them! i hope this helps some of you who are curious about how MFAs work. i’m sharing this because i never thought i would be able to do a graduate degree, and now that i’m here, even though it was a huge risk, it’s the best decision i’ve ever made. 

[writing advice tag]

[cosmosogler]

after this many instances, i can’t tell if being dressed up like an ice cream cone just makes my day horrible or if being dressed up like an ice cream cone is what makes me feel a little sillier after a horrible day.

i dunno. pastel colors are just cheerful. i like these shorts and they only go with the ice cream shirt and the pokemon shirt.

well. i tried to sleep early last night but i was kept awake by, hmm, the usual sort of memories that make your eyes snap open when you’re laying alone in the dark. snoop won’t protect me the way i know eve would. i could feel the, just... heaviness wearing into my face as i tried to settle in and get some sleep.

it keeps me up a lot of nights. weird things set it off. laying in certain positions. unpredictable trains of thought, or maybe my thoughts just get derailed every now and then. certain noises. makes it hard to get comfortable.

i don’t have to “bury the hatchet” with dad if he doesn’t acknowledge there even is a hatchet, right? because his behavior during the family vacation was unacceptable and he never said even one word about it except to be passive aggressive the last month at home.

i wonder if mom notices that i ask about my brother and sister and the dogs but not dad. honestly i don’t really care how he’s doing... i don’t have energy to devote to things i don’t care about and i don’t have the energy to pretend i do care either.

i actually don’t usually ask mother how she is doing either. i feel like that’s a bad habit to get into. i really don’t have any other resources right now though. since i’m three hours ahead of my family now i really can’t... find any good time of day to call my siblings and chat with them. not that i was talking to them that much at home anyway...

anyway i went to school. i left at 7:55, which is TECHNICALLY before 8. i had woken up while it was still dark, 6:30... it was hard to get moving.

no one was at the department when i got there except people who were actively teaching classes so i sat at my desk and tried to power through the quantum homework by myself. i did get a little help with the problem i had trouble with last night from an internet acquaintance, and i did the third and fourth problems by myself with not too much trouble. 

jennica came into the office about 10 minutes before class and i asked her for help. she pointed out what i should focus on and i compared it to algebra distribution and she said “not at all.” then she proceeded to describe how to do the problem using algebra distribution and i got annoyed but i didn’t say anything at the time. quibbling about what to call the thing i was doing cost me time i needed. i tried to do the rest between mechanics and quantum and didn’t get it done. i had to turn it in anyway. i was a little over halfway through it. at least i ha all the other problems done.

after quantum i was hanging out with the other students in suzanne’s office and we were talking about how to manipulate operators because the professor had not been clear on what exactly he was doing when he showed us some stuff at the end of class. he’d skipped a step or two and we were trying to kind of reverse engineer his final equation. jennica disagreed with us about where we could put the operator, even though it was clearly shown in the book. then she started doing the exact same thing we had just done on the blackboard and continued to disagree with us while using the math we had just used. i got that angry static in my head so i went out to try to eat some lunch in my office.

i know she’s probably smarter than i am, or at least a more consistent worker, but it’s frustrating to argue with someone who agrees with you but won’t consciously agree with you. and it’s frustrating to argue with someone when you’re using facts from the textbook with the page open and they are saying “no, that’s wrong.” and then not explaining why they think that.

but she got the homework done and i didn’t. so.

anyway i was checking my emails while i was unpacking my lunchbox and i found the email from the physics adviser. 

(aside- i instinctively spell it “advisor” and i can’t figure out why because every spellcheck keeps correcting me. i looked it up on google and the dictionary says either is fine but i don’t like the red line.)

so my test scores were so bad that i had to meet with him in less than two hours to discuss “schedule adjustments.” i responded the responsible way: by freaking the hell out. i paced around in my office for about 30 minutes before i gave up on trying to sit down and i went out to the counseling center for my group intake appointment. i also stopped by the pharmacy. and i tried to call mom four times. she didn’t answer. i talked to oz about it a little bit while i was walking and waiting at the center. 

i know, deep down, that in my field any sign of weakness or inconsistency is basically death. getting sick will get you laid off when finances get low. being a woman will get you laid off when finances get low because if you’re a woman you have to be exceptional to be considered average. (white) men with the very same qualifications get priority. 

i do not have the advantage of good health. i just don’t. this seriously hurts my ability to perform on a rigorous class schedule. this is why i think that i may not... get my phd. i am afraid that knowing i might not get it is what will cause me to not get it. i’m afraid that the lack of confidence is going to be the deciding factor here. but i can’t not know about this. it’s a very real handicap for me. when i am too stressed for too long my internal organs start permanently shutting down apparently.

ha ha, in a few years i’m not going to have any non-vital organs left. probably.

during my intake interview i started crying and said i was very unhappy today. i felt really bad for taking this interview and making it about this upcoming talk with the advisor. i had brought up that one of my goals for group would be to make the transition to graduate life... at that point i was worried about it still being “graduate” by the end of the day though.

you know, when i went to the pharmacy, i kept telling myself “i’m not going to need those later” in an effort to talk myself out of refilling my medications. i’m not going to need those later, it doesn’t matter, nothing means anything.

when i looked at the front door i sighed and said to myself, “but i will need them later, won’t i.” and that heaviness fell over my entire body again. i’m not afraid to die as much as i am afraid to survive.

mom finally called back as i was leaving to get to the advisor’s office back in the physics department. i told mom what was going on and she said “well, talk to him then!” and i dunno, i felt so brushed aside. i didn’t tell her i was afraid of losing my tuition waiver or my paycheck because of the change in course credits or whatever was going to happen. 

the professor was very nice as usual. he did tell me that my prelim results were extremely worrying. i actually almost passed the thermo portion of the test, but i got essentially a 0 in literally every other subject. he wanted me to drop down into undergrad courses for two out of my three subjects. it ended up that undergrad quantum meets exactly during my classical mechanics lecture, so i got to stay in graduate quantum. he said that was very risky. i told him it wasn’t that i was deciding to take a risk so much as that looked like it was just how it was going to be. he said yeah. 

he was nice about it... he told me that once the university had taken on a graduate student they couldn’t just screw them immediately and that he and the board had put a lot of effort into adjusting my schedule to make sure i had a chance to succeed. and retaking one graduate course next year won’t put me too behind schedule. but if i don’t get a b+ or higher in any of the courses i’m taking now i would be in a lot of trouble schedule-wise and gpa standard-wise.

i dunno. i feel like i didn’t actually have any control over any part of this situation. i feel like i got cheated out of the potential to do well on that test by my eight-month illness. i feel like i should have kept going anyway even though i could only eat so little that i had even lost a lot of weight. 

feeling cheated is the worst. or, one of the worsts.

i feel like i don’t have any control over the direction my life is going in. i mean... i’m making choices, i’m making a lot of them every day and lots of compromises and calculations. but big picture wise i am severely limited by how sick i get and by how dumb i am. i didn’t have any choice about how my schedule was going to change. i didn’t have any choice in which grad school i got to go to. 

i guess i made the choice to go to grad school at all. 2 choices is NOT very many though.

i chose to cough up a pile of money for snoopy’s well-being. mike told me that it is worth it, cats will definitely live longer if they are on the prescription diet after they get kidney disease. snoopy doesn’t have a lot of control over her life. i try to give her some say in what happens. i ask to pet her, i stop brushing if she doesn’t want to even if she’s still kinda grimy. it’s sometimes easier to figure out what cats do and don’t want than it is to figure that out with dogs. 

i’m not gonna compensate for the lack of control in my life by grabbing snoopy’s though. i’m just trying to recognize that i can work within some parameters. even if i’m not happy about the way my academic life is already falling apart around me 10 days into the semester.

so i got a new e&m class and professor with the undergrads. his teaching style is a mess but i already know the material very well from this part of the course. i’m kind of surprised and shocked that he is doing this part of the course so early- why aren’t they working on point charges and forces BEFORE they do flux and green’s theorem and stuff like that? 

he asked me to meet with him tomorrow after lunch. so i’ll be doing that i guess. i need to look up his course web page and syllabus...

after class i was feeling REALLY bad so i went home. i said hi to snoopy and cleaned her litter box and sat around for a while. then i made spaghetti for dinner. it was missing something, and i’m not sure what it was, but i know i didn’t have it anyway. i’m thinking i should use a different kind of marinara sauce.

then i ate a ton of oreos and listened to a taz episode. it was really good... the podcast, i mean. the oreos had gotten a little stale. i forget that it’s humid here and food ages differently.

i had meant to get to some homework from my to-do list but i spent the night diddling around on the computer doing basically nothing instead. i also had ice cream because i just really wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and i wanted sugar. 

tomorrow i need to teach two labs in a row!!! hopefully it will go better than my first one, which did not go well at all!!!!!

i’m not sure how to proceed here. i didn’t really... read anything tonight. like the lab manual, which i did want to brush up on before i tried to teach the lab again. there was all kinds of weird stuff in there that we didn’t do in the practice lab last thursday and i wanted to be more familiar with it. maybe i can do that before i leave tomorrow. i’ll try to get up a little earlier... 

man, i don’t want to sleep at all. i remembered my dream last night. i kept getting talked over by neckbearded dudes. i couldn’t do anything without getting interrupted, and also i was in a part of “dirt college town” that i had never been in before and it was difficult at best to navigate. at the end i was wandering around in a swamp (which was also in a computer?) and there were the nerds trying to “find secrets” and also there was a bear. i wanted to be alone i think. well, i do now.

[saxbys]

Passing the Latte: Meghan Tezik, Incoming SCEO at Millersville University is Focused on Helping Team Members Build Careers

Meghan Tezik knows the next six months will be challenging. After working with Saxbys for the past year and really working hard to develop her leadership skills, Meghan is ready to take on the job of Student Cafe Executive Officer at the Saxbys cafe at Millersville University. It’s part of our Experiential Learning Program, and Meghan will be responsible for achieving mastery in our Three Pillars of Leadership: Team Development, Community Leadership, and Financial Management.

It’s a big job, but the junior from Philadelphia is up for the adventure. She hopes to create an inclusive work environment at the cafe and keep team members engaged with exciting community projects, like making peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches to feeding the homeless. She also wants to help team members prepare for their careers, and plans resume-writing workshops and professor visits after hours.

We sat down the Meghan before she began her SCEO journey to get her thoughts on the six months to come.

Overview

Are you excited to get started?

I’m so excited, so jazzed. During trainings, I’ve met a lot of other incoming CEOs and it’s been amazing to bounce ideas off each other. I think we’re all just really excited to get going.

How do your personal values align with Saxbys values?

Growing up, I was very involved with the Boys & Girls Clubs of America because my mom worked there. I saw the impact I can make with community cleanups or selling baked goods to raise money. Seeing a larger company like Saxbys being a “community serving a community” shows me that if enough people get involved you can really make a difference.

Did you receive any advice from Bryana Weston-Wyatt, the previous SCEO at Millersville?

She said “I have a list of things I did that you should not do” which is incredibly helpful. A lot of other CEOs have told me that sometimes it’s going to get overwhelming and that’s okay because of how big the position is.

Any thoughts on the team you’re inheriting?

The team is phenomenal. They’re such an energetic squad. I come in to open at 6 a.m. and they’re dancing to music and ready to go. I also love how they’re willing to develop. They always ask questions about what happened during a training at headquarters, if I’d learned anything new, and any new items are coming to the menu. Everybody is just so willing to work and grow. They all have the same goal in mind, which is to be one of the best dining services on campus.  

Team Development

How do you plan to build a culture based on your leadership style within 6 months?

As a team lead on shifts, I’ve always made it my priority to be approachable. I also don’t immediately go to punishments but instead use alternate routes like coaching sessions where we talk things out. When I found out I got the job as SCEO, I made it a point to ask everyone what they expected from me. I learned that people have ideas to improve the cafe but think they can’t speak up because they’re only a host or barista — not a team lead. I want them to feel as though no matter what position they’re in, their ideas count.

Any plans to help the team gel?

College students tend to work the same shifts with same people because their schedules coincide. It would be nice to have some kind of rotation so different team members have the chance to interact with one another. Maybe we’ll do a monthly kickball or dodgeball game — something outside of Saxbys so we can all relax and communicate with each other to build friendships and trust.

How do you plan to help team members develop as professionals?

I would love to have team resume workshops. We can get a local professor come into the cafe after closing and work on resumes with the team.

Community Leadership

What fresh ideas do you have for community leadership initiatives for the coming semester?

What if we had an event called “Jam with Saxbys” and we invited guests and our entire team to make peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches and then donate them to local food or homeless shelters? It would be a great way to bond with the team too because when we hang out it’s usually in the cafe going through rushes. But in this case we could talk about other things, hang out as a team and do good for the community at the same time.

How will becoming a community leader impact your cafe?

I think it’ll put Saxbys name out there. Community outreach helps Saxbys improve our image and leads people to reach out and see what we’re all about. I think we’ll recruit more and I think it’ll lead to more catering orders because people want to align with themselves with businesses that would give peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches to a homeless shelter or host an open mic night.

Financial Management

How do you plan to be fiscally responsible at the cafe to ensure your profit/loss (P&L) statement is a winner?

There can be a lot of waste if you’re not careful. Whether it’s portioning our milk correctly for each latte or handling our muffins or cookies so none drop on the floor or break. I’ll make sure we’re following the first-in, first-out method with food and drinks. Also, we have to make sure we’re not over prepping or under-prepping. During Common Hour, where everyone on campus gets a break, we’ll prep more. So it’s really just analyzing all our supplies, seeing where the rushes are, making sure we don’t overprep for breaks, and making sure we don’t underprep for the busiest times.

Final Thoughts

What are your career aspirations?

I have a few different things in mind. I’m definitely thinking about grad school at one of the local universities in Philadelphia. Maybe I’ll get a job in community relations or a non-profit. The community aspect of large companies is something that really interests me.

[silverjirachi]

It’s absolutely not an intrusion! I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to ask.

If school has caused you a lot of stress so far, I’d really recommend taking a bit of a break to get your own bearings before you push yourself to hop right in to grad school. It sounds like you could be experiencing some pretty bad burnout (sometimes it sneaks up on us) or alternatively (what i’m going through currently) stress about feeling like everything you are doing now will determine your entire future and that you have to get it solved immediately. See how you feel as the year progresses and make a call from there, but please make your own health and sanity a priority. Absolutely no one will care if you don’t hop right into grad school from undergrad. Most people don’t.

As for it being “worth it,” clearly it was a ton of work. I’m not sugarcoating to say it was easy (clearly) and my program was only two years. My senior year and the first year of grad school for me were combined (I was in a 4+1) so i was working double-time that year to graduate undergrad and start my graduate work. That said: grad school is a really good opportunity for independent research if you are really, really passionate about something. I would not have gone into our graduate program if I did not already have something I was very passionate about and wanted to investigate (my personal relationship with witchcraft and catholicism). The fact that, even if it was a fuckload of work sometimes, it was something that I wanted to do and all the knowledge I was gaining, even if it didnt seem relevant all the time, was going to help me get there, kept me through it. So if you do go, I’d strongly recommend you find something you like enough and are interested in enough to keep you to it. Also be aware that your relationship with it will change. I hardly talk about my own personal witchcraft practice anymore because I spent all day every day investigating it in grad school. I still love it, but the relationship did change. So be aware of that too.

Being able to look back at what I accomplished, and even now the amount of fucks I don’t give, is also very worth it. I cannot believe the change in my level of maturity between who I am now and the start of my senior year. I have grown so much over the past two years, and a ton of that was thanks to grad school.

The Master’s degree is a piece of paper. It’s a formality people want for a job sometimes. But what’s more important is the experiences and knowledge you gain while you are there. Even though I don’t currently have a relevant job in my field (I just graduated in May) I think that being able to to point to a very concrete document and research project I led is a very good thing to have. Makes answering a lot of job interview questions very easy. (“What is an obstacle you faced and how did you overcome it?” “Well let me tell you about our theatre program’s severe lack of time, funding, and resources and how i worked around it to create a successful thesis project...”). It gives you more professional “adult oriented” experience even if it is still school, because you are coordinating your own independent research, and that is very sexy looking to market yourself with. At least. From my perspective.

I got to fly across the country and take an amazing three-week workshop and it counted as “research” and I got course credit and a small sum of money to help pay for it. Also an experience that was worth it.

I also had opportunities to teach and even though I dont like teaching and don’t want to be a teacher, it’s another one of those ~experience and skills~ based things.

I was also very fortunate to have an incredible, loving, and supportive cohort. Not everyone is so lucky. Also be aware that grad students often do get treated like the unpaid interns of academia. My program did pay us and waive our tuition, so that was another perk, but they also didn’t always treat us spectacularly. But because I made such great friends there, we were all in it together, and that made it okay. So, if you go and find you are being mistreated to the point you can’t handle it, look for what campus resources may be available to you (most universities have alliances or unions. i also went to a grad-student focused counseling group) or, if you feel you must, leave and find a new program. It is hard, thankless work, but you should not feel you must tolerate abuse. Also I’d strongly recommend not going unless you can find a program that will pay you, waive your tuition, or give you a hefty scholarship. They’re hard to come by, but they do exist, and you shouldn’t have to throw yourself in more mountains of debt unless it’s absolutely necessary (like med school or something).

This post is lengthy now but I’ve tried to be as thorough as possible. I’m sure I missed some things but those are my thoughts! And feel free to pm me and ask more now or later if you ever want more advice :)

grad school really did break me but like in the most incredible way. like i am now so dead inside that i have ascended to a new level of power.

like i do not give one single fuck about anything anymore. i walk around like “do people realize i once read 200 pages of meaty academic text in one night? do they realize this happened more than once? do they realize that i created a 150-source annotated bibliography on my field of research and was the sole person responsible for the writing and editing of a 158-page research document? do they realize that those 158 pages are only a summary of the work i did? amen amen i say to you, nothing on this earth could kill me further than this degree already has. and i hath risen from that grave singing, and i will wear kids’ rainbow reflective sneakers and talk about pokemon as much as i damn well please deborah. i hath spoken with the lord and he was not remotely kind.”

[sabrinaenespana]

I’m backkkkkk!

*record scratch* 

*freeze frame*

Yup, that’s me…you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation…I mean, didn’t I literally just leave Spain and return to the U.S. after 7 months abroad???

*rewind*

Well I returned to the U.S., finished my degree at the University of Georgia, all the while wondering, “What is my post grad life gonna look like?”

Well it took lots (& LOTS) of effort, but I am now 100% prepared for my return to the country so dear to my heart, Spain! It has been a long, difficult year arranging this return, and, yes, it has been (more or less) in the works since the moment the wheels of my airplane hit the landing strip at Hartsfield-Jackson airport back in July of last year.

In an effort to revive this blog for my return, in this post, I will give a brief overview of what’s happened throughout my last year back home. Plus a timeline of sorts, detailing the things I’ve had to go through to get back to Spain.

August-November 2016: Return to school; senior year = YAY! but also mixed with horrible reverse culture shock and post-study/live abroad depression = BOO. Yearning to go back to Spain is on the rise.

December 2016: A thought pops into my head, courtesy of my study abroad group message, which was still going strong at the time. Someone asks if anyone is thinking about returning to Spain after the school year ends to teach English for the year, and I think, “Um…YES!”

January 2017: (1) Applications open for Auxiliares in Spain (a Spanish government-run program that doesn’t pay much, but it’s cheap to live in Spain, so it’ll be plenty). (2) Student teaching and EdTPA begin, severely limiting the time I can dedicate to preparing for Spain, but *~*priorities*~* (3) Convince one of my best friends, Justin (https://beyondbordersaaa.tumblr.com/) to come join me in Spain!

February 2017: Successfully finish the application process, which requires little more than filling out some paperwork, obtaining a letter of recommendation, and writing up why I’d like to do the program (easy enough).

March-April 2017: Wait to hear back from the program and focus on finishing EdTPA for school.

May 2017, a BIG month: (1) Mildly freak out as I finish up student teaching/EdTPA and have nothing to occupy my mind, as I anxiously await my regional placement; even consider switching to CIEE / any other teaching abroad program (even a teaching position in Thailand). (2) Find out I’m placed in Andalucía, and scream of joy!! I got my top choice!!! (3) Return to work after student teaching to start saving for Spain. (4) Schedule my visa appointment at the Spanish Consulate in Miami, the closest one to me and already booked for months. (5) GRADUATE SUMMA CUM LAUDE FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA <3

June-July 2017: (1) Find out my city/school placement when I receive my carta one night at 4 in the morning; subsequently spend the rest of the night looking up everything there is to know about my small, seaside city, Motril in the province of Granada! (2) Have several mental breakdowns as I gather everything I need for my visa appointment. (Seriously, it’s insane how difficult and expensive this process is, but once you’re done, there’s an immense feeling of accomplishment! Although I could do without the whole spend-hundreds-and-hundreds-of-dollars part. For a list of everything required by my consulate at least, go to http://www.exteriores.gob.es/Consulados/MIAMI/en/InformacionParaExtranjeros/Pages/Visa%20Requirements/Student-Visa.aspx) (3) Check the visa website every ~0.00002 seconds for new appointment openings (since it was initially completely booked until September) until I finally settle for one in early August. (4) Move out of my apartment and onto my best friend Caroline’s couch fo’ freeeeee. (5) Continue working, as well as enjoying my last summer in Athens with all my friends!

August: (1) Turn my required visa trip down to Miami into a fun mini-vacation/road trip with Caroline and Justin; also take this opportunity to begin my travel vlog (https://youtu.be/B_ftY4178zA). (2) Take a few unexpected trips up to Boston, as my sweet abuela passes away </3. (3) Receive my visa through the mail two weeks later after a horrific scare that it had gotten lost in the mail. (4) Continue living on Caroline’s couch for the month, working, and living it up in Athens.

September, another HUGE month: (1) Quit my job of over 4 years (with several months’ notice of course) after saving a good bit of money. (2) Say goodbye to Athens and so many of my good friends. (3) Return to my mom’s apartment to spend my last week at home in the company of my family <3. (4) Unpack, pack, repeat. Seriously, I tried so hard to get my checked bag under the 50 lb limit, but packing for 8 months / 4 seasons made this impossible, and I ended up having to pay the $100 fee. (5) FLY TO SPAIN. This was a horrible, what was supposed to be 12-hour trip turned into 40 full hours of tears, sweat, and broken sleep. To be more specific: my first flight being delayed caused me to miss my connecting flight, have to sleep on the cold airport floor in a crowd of people in similar situations, add a connection in Madrid, and finally arrive in Motril after 4 airports, 3 flights, 2 train rides, and 1 bus ride. (6) Move into my apartment immediately upon arrival to my city and finally meet my roommate, Tori, in person after having met on the program’s Facebook group and only skyping once.

Present time (still September, but I figured I’d break it up anyway): It’s now September 25. I’ve been in Spain for several days now and have exactly one week before I begin teaching. I’ve completely unpacked, taken a couple relaxing trips to the beach, spent several hours out and about and exploring my new home-away-from-home, met some Spanish friends, bonded with my roommate, and even had a night out on the town! This city is small enough that everything is basically within walking distance, even the beach! Also, I’ve only once before been to a part of Spain where they still do the whole “order a drink and get a free tapa with it” thing, so that’s been really cool! I’ve also been able to go food shopping twice now, and it’s blown my mind both times how inexpensive it is to live here! My roommate also helped me open a bank account here, which was a BIG stress-reliever. The people here seem so nice, even though they still stare, but I knew that was going to be a thing coming in, being a foreigner in a small city. And the Spanish have NO shame whatsoever about staring, which is something I learned last year in Sant Cugat hahahaha. Anyways, a few other things I have on my plate for the next few weeks are obtain my TIE (basically the ID card I have to get that says I can legally live here), apply for income-based loans (definitely cannot swing $200/month in payments with the amount I’ll be getting paid through this program), meet the teachers at my school (which I’ll be doing this Thursday), plan my birthday trip to San Sebastian with Justin and my other friend here, Martha (I have lots of friends that decided to come back to Spain/Europe to teach English/study), and continuing exploring my new city. Welcome back to Spain @me! <333

P.S. I’m planning my next blog to take a deeper look into my city and apartment. I’m gonna try to keep up with this blog at least once or twice a week with updates on what I’m doing, as well as links to any travel vlogs I make! However, I have no idea what my workload will be / how many private classes I will take on to earn a lil’ extra money on the side, so let’s see how this goes!

[espidermens]

30 Questions Tag

 Nobody tagged me but I’m on break with nothing better to do and I’m my own woman so suck it up.

1) How tall are you? 5′3″ exactly, I’ve grown again idk what to do 2) What color and style is your hair? brown and long I guess 3) What color are your eyes? greeeeen 4) Do you wear glasses? nah son  5) Do you wear braces?  I did in 8th and 9th grade, got them off in the beginning of 10th 6) What is your clothing style? I’ve been feeling black and turtlenecks lately. I also rock maroon, dark green, and gold because of my warm skin tone so you know I wear those often. Also flannel. 7) Any freckles/moles/beauty marks? some freckles but nothing prominent or exceptional.  8) When were you born? October 26 9) How old are you? 22  10) Where do you live? The Big Apple 11) Do you have siblings? twin sister (yes, identical) 12) Do you go to school? grad school ayyyyy 13) What kind of student are you? I get anxious and procrastinate and stress out about everything but I still made it to grad school so there’s hope for you, too. 14) What are your favorite tv shows? Holy crap, uhhhhhh... Supernatural has been a long time fave. Sherlock’s cool. Some oldies I used to love are That 70s Show, Bones, Full House, Ghost Whisperer (lol). Some weeby stuff is AOT, OPM, YOI 15) Favorite pastime? Dance is the first thing that comes to mind. I used to draw a lot I guess. 16) What is your dream job? The Met, I would be a janitor there honestly, whatever it takes to get my foot in the door 17) Would you like to get married one day? idk? I don’t really think about it and it isn’t a priority at all, but if the right person came around I might think about it. I think the whole tradition of weddings is overkill, so as long as whoever I’m with agrees to go to the courthouse and fly directly to Thailand and not talk to anyone in the process then we’re good. 18) Would you like kids one day? not on my radar AT ALL I’m barely a Real Human myself. Right now it’s looking like a hard pass but maybe I’ll warm up my frozen, pea-sized heart and adopt one day, who knows 19) Girly girl or tomboy? This is so dumb 20) Do you like shopping? Hell yeah but it would be better if it wasn’t my money 21) What countries have you visited? 35 states, Mexico, many Caribbean Islands (Jamaica, Cayman Islands, PR, etc.), Canada, France (my love), England, Ireland, Italy, Germany, Austria 22) What is the scariest nightmare you’ve had? Idk but I hate that falling feeling  23) Do you have enemies? My roommate but she doesn’t know we’re enemies 24) Do you have a significant other? lol nope 25) If not, do you want one? Eventually? yeah I guess, if one saunters over I’ll give it a go 26) Are you open about your feelings? the opposite, and I’m trying to work on that but it isn’t going great 27) What’s your family like? immediate family is great, outside of that, holy moly. Drama and lies and bad choices in so many ways 28) Would you date someone your family didn’t approve of? none of their business honestly, and they know that and completely agree, but I doubt that would happen because I have very high standards and our tastes in people are very similar 29) Any pet peeves? like a million I’m not even going to start 30) Do you believe in astrology? Not even for a second but you know I’m still going to look at how scorpio’s doin.