#I CANT FUCKING BREATHE THIS IS GOING TO HAUNT ME FOR LIFE

[fromabasementonthehilll]

A Cold Kiss For Warmth

͙⁺･༓☾ - Summary: you unknowingly saved Jackie ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎from her own death.

Pairing: jackie taylor x fem!reader

Warnings: ...

∘₊✧────────────────────✧₊∘

"I'm not jealous of you, Jackie. I feel sorry for you." Shauna spat, her words had bled out of her mouth and into Jackie like a sharp blade.

"And I'm sure everyone back home is so sad to be losing their perfect little princess," Shauna's breath hitched slightly, "but they'll never know how tragic, boring and insecure you really are," Jackie's lips trembled beneath Shauna's sentences, eyes wide and hurt - tears gradually piling upon her face, "or how high school was the best your life was ever gonna get."

"Fuck you." Jackie's words were almost silent, disintegrating into her tears.

You watched, alongside everyone else who had been settled around the fire warmed cabin. It wasn't for you to intervene; or for anyone else to intervene, you had never seen Jackie and Shauna fight - let alone with so much spite, and you figured it was best to leave them alone, though your heart felt for Jackie, Shauna's accusations were visibly going too far.

"I cant be around you - I cant even fucking look at you right now." Jackie didn't have the malice to insult Shauna, you sensed that neither of them really meant what they said, and it had just been the sickening feeling that haunted everyone after the crash, now creeping into their friendship.

It was just last week that you had really gotten close to Jackie, in school you'd usually hang out with the other girls, catching Jackie throwing glances your way in class every now and then. And you could've been caught daydreaming, the way you'd stare longingly at her; the way her hair fell onto her shoulders - how her honey eyes glowed when she looked at you.

"Hey (y/n)." She smiled, a towel around her neck after it had rained during practice. "Oh hi Jackie!" You turned to her after brushing your hair out and handing it back to Lottie.

"I just wanted to say you look really pre-"

"(y/n), hurry up we're gonna be late." Lottie interrupted, "Oh, yeah. Sorry Jackie, I'll see you later."

It was the first time Jackie had the courage to come up to you outside of being lab partners, she was confident most of the time - but when it came to you, she was helpless. You didn't even question your feelings towards Jackie, it just felt like an adoration of some sort, and you were completely oblivious to anything more than 'school friends' being between you two.

And that's how it stayed for a while, longing stares, unsaid words and random study sessions.

Though she'd be there for you when you needed her the most, and you'd be there for her - nothing more than that.

"Well that sounds like your problem, so maybe you should leave." Your mind focused back on the situation at hand, this time watching Jackie more intently, furrowing your eyebrows and clenching your jaw, Shauna's face was ridden in sweat and small tears - her hair in a messy ponytail with strands pinning to her cheek. You looked to the side, watching as everyone lowered their gaze in shame. "Are you fucking crazy Shauna? Nobody's leaving, she'll freeze to death." You stood up, voice quiet yet loud, knowing the chances of people taking your side was slim - but another death out here would cause further, unnecessary chaos. "She'll be fine." Shauna talked to you, yet her gaze was still fixed on Jackie.

"I don't even know who you are anymore." Face painted in disappointment, Jackie scoffed, then averted her look towards you, "I need to take a walk." You followed her, ignoring Shauna's sneer and the confused stares of everyone else, who had seemed to find understanding in your reasoning despite your doubts.

-

The door closed, and frost sunk its teeth into your skin, "(y/n), you don't have to come with me, she's right - I'll be fine." Her words blamed themselves, she shook her head at the floor. "It's freezing out here," both of you began walking away from the cabin, where the light stopped its reach, "you shouldn't be alone." Jackie's face stuttered, finally making eye contact with you.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

She smiled in response, drying her tears with her cold-shaken hands. The both of you slid down behind a tree, you brought your knees to your chest; hugging them. "God, how could she, after all that I've done for her." She wrapped her arms around herself. "She doesn't deserve you Jackie," your eyes trailed her expression, "it's fucked up, what she said." You said, unreasonably nervous, and reasonably shaky.

"I never even liked Jeff that much, I cant believe I let him ruin our friendship like that."

"You didn't?"

"No," her voice settled slightly, "and Shauna knew I had feelings for someone else, I guess that's why she took it as a pass to go fuck Jeff, so I couldn't hold it against her." Jackie tried her best to make up with Shauna in her head, but everything kept leading to a dead end, "But whatever, I'm just glad you're here."

"You cant be serious, you're asking me to study?" You asked, holding a math paper that said 'C' in the biggest writing imaginable - as if your teacher wanted to rub it in as painfully as possible. "Yeah, I mean you're good at chemistry right?" Jackie said, and it was true - it was one of the only subjects you were naturally good at.

"I guess, sort of?"

"So can I come over?"

"Today?"

"If you don't mind,"

"No, yeah, sure." You smiled, raising your eyebrows and packing your bags before leaving.

You had something planned with Lottie that day, though it was easy to cancel with a 'my parents are making me clean up' excuse. It didn't phase you why you were starting to make excuses not to hang out with your friends, but it was rare to talk to Jackie, and at the time it didn't look like you two were getting closer than that anytime soon.

You bit your lip, opening your mouth to speak before stopping yourself. Jackie looked at you, the cold eating away at the two of you, "Jackie, I need to tell you something." You squinted your eyes, barely seeing Jackie's face as the trees blocked the moonlight and using it to your advantage, calming your nerves. "I like you," you wanted to say more, but it felt like you were trapped, and all you could do was drag your words out while struggling to read her face.

Snow began falling onto your hair and patterning Jackie's nose, "Really?" She chuckled, you stretched your legs out and smiled with your lip hanging out slightly, "you're kidding me right? This entire time?" She asked, scoffing at her own words. "Yeah, I guess I never found the time to tell you." The snow reached your shoes, which you hadn't stopped staring at.

"Neither," You looked at her confused, "I like you too, (y/n)." You were even more confused this time, I mean she didn't like Jeff all that much - but you couldn't have been the one that she wanted instead, right? "I swear, I couldn't have told you, I thought you liked that guy from our chem class, what's his name?" She titled her head, "Matt? Are you fucking kidding me? You thought I liked Matt?" You laughed, knowing he had asked you out on multiple occasions, yet you rejected him every single time. "So? He's cute, I thought you guys were a thing for the longest time." she snickered, leaning her eyebrows as she shifted her body to face you.

Your laughs cleared, the grass had been covered in a thin layer of snow by now, and Jackie's bottom lip hid under her mouth. She watched as the snow caressed your hair, lips, nose and skin - admiring every part of you, especially your (e/c) eyes that harboured a small reflection of the moon. "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen, (y/n)." She faintly smiled, edging closer to you. Your eyes gazed through your lashes, looking at her in partial doubt, you didn't know how desperately she wanted to tell you that for the longest time.

Wintry hands latched onto your frostbitten cheeks, her fingers grazing your jawline as her pale lips slowly found yours. Her touch was warm, her lips were softening under yours as you caved in deeper - you could almost feel her face regaining its rosy colour. You eased beneath her, your mouth tasting hers.

She pulled away, though still being mere inches from your face, "you're cold, I can feel it." Her hands traced down to your shoulder, "I'll be fine." You whispered, wrapping your arms around her neck and kissing her again, with a greater passion than the first time, she almost instantly leaned back in, with gentle confidence.

After a moment, you let out a small giggle against her mouth before bringing your arms to her shoulders and pushing her away gently, "I think we have to go." You spoke, numbness overtaking your legs and nose, Jackie brushed a few snowflakes off of you, before the both of you got up to get back to the cabin, though could've stayed there until dawn.

[kairi101]

The Father and Father Figures (Pt. 1)

pairings: rafe cameron x mom!reader, (platonic!topper x reader and platonic!kelce x reader in the next parts)

warnings: mentions of abuse, angst, fluff, swearing, semi short, not proofread or edited at all

Summary: after your abusive babydaddy kicked you out, you had no choice but to return to your old friends. But later the past comes back to haunt you.

A/n: This is my first fic im posting on here, so feedback/requests are greatly appreciated. Pt 2 in a few days <3

part 2

After your soon to be babydaddy found out you were pregnant, he took everything from you. Every expensive item he's ever bought you now belonged to him. You reached out to your parents for help, but they were more concerned over the fact you got pregnant out of wedlock. They claimed "You are an embarrassment to the y/l/n legacy." That brings you here, a month later, on the balcony of Tanny Hill with all of your belongings in a single backpack. Not suprisingly, Rafe Cameron was completely passed out on the couch with the remnants of a party.

You begin picking up cups full of who knows what, trying to let Rafe sleep by not making much noise. but your attempt to let him sleep quickly failed as your clumsy self tripped over air and landed right on top of the Cameron boy.

"what the hell" he mumbles sleepily as he rubs his eyes with his left arm. he looks down to the added weight on top of him "y/n?"

"Hi" you try to pull off your tumble by tightly embracing him.

"Bear, what are you doing here?" he smiles and you do as well but at the childhood nickname. His big arms wrap around you gently. You look up and he sees your tear stained face, his smile going away quicker than it came. "oh please don't cry, if it's your dick head of a boyfriend again I'll kill that guy, i swear."

"no, we broke up like a month ago" you sigh.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asks, slightly upset over the fact you never mentioned it to him despite communicating the past few weeks.

"rafe im pregnant" you practically whisper. Rafe stares at you for a moment, eyes wide in shock as tears flow down your face despite his plea not to. "I don't know what to do, he kicked me out and my parents pretty much disinherited me and i-"

"Y/n" he says as he sits up, making you sit up as well "We'll figure this out together, okay? I won't let you go at this alone" His words only made you sob even harder but only because, well, rafe is notorious for being the biggest asshole on the island. But he never was to you. he always was there for you, despite all the shit he goes through himself.

You back away from his embrace and had to come clean with him "Rafe, I appreciate your offer, but I really don't think having you around a baby is the best idea" you question. "You're still on drugs and drinking and i really don't think you'd be the best influence on a child or me."

He takes a deep breath to keep his temper under control "Fuck, y/n I just want to help. I'll change for you. I'd do fucking anything for you."

"that is so toxic listen to yourself." you chuckle "You don't need to change who you are because of me."

"I know i don't need to but i just really want to, please give me a chance"

"Rafe-"

"y/n" he begs with those striking blue eyes that you just cant bring yourself to say no to

"fine you have 7 months" you caved.

He smiles as he tells you "I'll make it the best seven months of your life" He ruffles your hair and you scrunch your nose. Rafe leans back to look at you, making sure you're okay, your tears still falling but a smile plastered on your face. "you're too adorable to ever have to go through all that shit he put you through"

"I still have no place to stay" you mumble almost to yourself.

"Stay with me. I'm sure Ward wouldn't mind having you back here; he still talks about you." That didn't surprise you either because Ward trusted you with Rafe, which is a pretty huge deal.

"Oh yeah? what does he say about me?" Rafe's face turns slightly pink as he diverts eye contact with you. oh my god is he blushing?

"Nothing he just says you're a good influence on me, shit like that." You knew he was lying but you decided to not say anything, so you just nodded. He stands up and reaches his hand out to help you up.

"I'm still fully capable of helping myself up, but thanks" you grin as you take his hand.

"Anything for you, bear" He smiles and leads you up the stairs to his room. "You can stay in my room, the beds all yours I'll either sleep on the couch or on the floor"

"You don't have to do that, Rafe" You say in an attempt to be humble, but you knew Rafe wasn't giving you a choice.

"I know i don't y/n, I just really really want to help out, okay?" you hesitantly nod "In fact, we're going shopping tomorrow" he says picking you up and gently throwing you on the bed.

"Rafe" you giggle staring into his eyes. You just stare at each other for what felt like eternity, but rafe eventually ruins the moment and heads towards the door.

"I'm going downstairs to clean up. you should probably sleep y/n, no offense you look exhausted."

"No, Rafe, stay" you scooch over making a space for him. He doesn't hesitate and slides next to you so you're facing each other. You come closer towards him to bury your head in his chest, and doze off. And as soon as you're asleep, Rafe kisses the top of your head and one of his large hands finds your back, pulling you impossibly closer.

a/n: the ending kinda sucks but oh well. lmk if u wanna be tagged in pt 2

[blood-injections]

Thinking again about an au idea I had where. I saw a post about coming back wrong. But not wrong. Just changed. New. Coming back or well, being brought back, not wrong just as someone else. A blank slate but not quite just a new person with a sense that they are indeed someone, and that they just need to find out need to remember, but those who brought this person back cant accept that who they tried to bring back is gone and so theyre insiting this new person is and they just have amnesia or something and the new person is like no its different om dofferent stop insisting. And it has the 'trans kid at family gathering/reunion' effect and its like. 'Everyones calling me a name but thats not my name thats not me. Theyre insisting it is and that im this person but im not im someone else! Thats not my name im not the memory you know i am not who youre mourning stop calling me that name stop insisting that im this stranger. I am not the same person that was dear to you and i owe you nothing.'

And it gave me an idea. Where one of the fabulous four dies and is brought back. Specifically, because i thought it would hurt the most and also like, ghouls always the one being frankensteined i should shake it up a little. Kobra Kid dies and Party Poison can't accept that their little brother is dead. So they bring him back. But when he wakes up it isnt Kobra Kid in that body. Or maybe, it is, in the sense that who died was someone else, had a different name, and maybe in the future of this au this new person becomes kobra kid, thats who they discover they are, after they woke up in a strange world in a strange body that isn't theirs but also.. is. It feels right but the situations all feel wrong. They become kobra kid but it remains to be seen if this kobra kid is still party poison's brother.

Because party poison's brother is dead. And they tried bringing him back but now theres someone else in their little brothers body. And this someone else insists that theyre someone else and its betrayal and denial and longing on both sides and party poison is still grieving and is now being haunted by the ghost of their brother in the form of his body walking around all because they couldnt accept that he was gone. And now his bodys walking around perfectly fine but their brother is still dead and gone and they have to accept that somehow. And the new person, who im just gonna call Kobra, is anything but regretful of who they are now that they exist. They know theyre not who poison says and they want to go and find out who they are, remember who they are, but its awefully hard with everyone insisting that theyre someone else, someone they knew, someone thats gone. Poison especially, always breathing down kobras neck, and everyones calling kobra the wrong name, looking at him all sad or angry or with pity and he is just. Blameless. Hes someone else and he doesnt owe these people anything but theres also the internal struggle of, well technically they are the reason im here so i do owe them something, i owe them my life, dont i? Even if I was an accident?

So maybe for a while, they try. They try so hard to be the person these strangers say they are, they try to feel things, to remember things that just arent there. But it just doesnt happen, it never will, because hes someone new, hes not who these people are mourning. And pretending only hurts everyone in the room. He realizes this and leaves before hes too miserable, too guilty to not. Because these strangers still cant accept that hes not their friend anymore, and he realizes that he owes them nothing, so he leaves, to figure out who he actually is. And maybe, down the line, once Poison accepts that somethings happened, changed, and finally lets their brother rest, maybe they can get past the roadblock of but thats their brothers fucking body- well not anymore. Maybe both sides can settle with kobra being, 'well i cant be who you want me to be, i can only be myself, if you can accept that, i can accept your friendship, if you truly want mine, mine, who i am, not a ghosts '

And maybe it works out, and they become friends, the bad blood settles, the grief, it never leaves, but it rests. And eventually, maybe kobra even joins the crew, and in some small way, poison gets their brother back, they get their old brother back in the miracle of getting a new one, weirdness of it being the same body aside, because kobra is so different from the brother they lost that its hardly the same body to them anymore too, its just kobras body because at some point they stopped separating the body they brought back from the person it belongs to. And eventually, kobra may see poison as his brother, too, and its all come full circle even though everything has changed.

Just, transgender allegorys and major grief and angst and mourning but also healing and acceptance and finding oneself and family to found family back to just family again and ugh. Yeah. Me when the venom siblings, but not really, but still the venom siblings in the end. Maybe they dont call themselves the venom siblings/brothers until its PartyPoisonandTheKobraKid, because they're something new, and thats the bond they build, thats who they become. Brothers, the Venom Brothers. A brotherhood earned. Earned back, in a way, but also a brotherhood built from the ground up. If I ever write this its so over for you guys.

[ohyoufool]

Writing Patterns

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there’s a pattern!

Tagged by: @doggernaut and @montrealmadison my besties!!! I am so touched!!!!! and aren't we lucky that I just hit 10 posted fics?? And because I can't stop yapping, I put a little note about each of them.

austin (check, please!, bitty/jack)

"Jack comes to Georgia like a summer thunderstorm."

(this one is alternately titled 'I went through a lot of breakups last year and got into country line dancing and it shows')

call of the champions (check, please!, lardo/camilla)

"It’s Lardo and her board."

(THE FUCKING FIC. I AM SO PROUD OF HER. and also I bought a sick salt late city 2002 olympics leather jacket because of it and it's basically my whole personality)

creation myth (check, please!, bitty/jack)

"It goes like this."

(this is me and @montrealmadison's magnum opus, and I learned how to bind books just to immortalize it)

sloshed with gold (check, please!, bitty/jack)

"Jack’s phone starts ringing halfway through his Tuesday morning jog."

(if you like nhl!bitty and photographer!jack, she's your jam. not sure if I will ever like the way I wrote this one but eyyyyyy it exists)

rocket man (voltron, keith/lance)

"The fireflies were flickering above Keith’s dark hair to light the path. He stood on the porch as Lance looked out from the doorway. There was a moment of silence. “You will help me keep him here this time, won’t you?” he asked."

(I won't apologize for voltron. I am too far past the shame. i wrote a paper on voltron queerbaiting and it got me into college. I owe her everything.)

season of the witch (check, please!, bitty/jack)

"Sometimes, Bitty gets carried away with baking."

(um fun fact there's apparently been a typo in the first line of this one for the last THREE YEARS ?????? its fixed now but dear god. I would delete this if it didn't have the second most hits of any check please fic i've written. I cant reread it it makes me want to die.)

don't waste another mile or minute (not kissing me) (voltron, keith/lance)

"Light. An unusual amount of light. Keith throws his elbow over his face as he peels his eyes open, wincing as the sun blasts through an open window."

(an OLD banger that I wrote at my first internship because it was so boring. some clever lines but my writing has improved tenfold since 2018)

and all I can taste is this moment (voltron, adam/shiro)

"There is absolutely nothing like flying, Takashi Shirogane, sixteen, almost-professional pilot, assumes. He assumes because he hasn’t been allowed to fly (yet), but if the simulator gives him any idea of what flight is like, Shiro is going to be hungry for it for the rest of his life."

(my magnum opus before creation myth, and the longest thing I've ever written (48k). yall ever yolo on a rarepair and write a biblically accurate cold war fic? no? just me? ok.)

last sunrise in the wasteland (voltron, keith/lance)

"The first time that Keith kisses Lance, the sky is the color of cotton candy. "

(this is my fic with the most hits which is great except there's a softcore porn scene in it I forgot about and subsequently subjected my grandpa to when he was reading it and making edits for me. so now it makes me want to die a little thinking about that. no he never brought it up.)

In my veins (carry on, baz/simon)

"On the worst day, Baz wakes up in Simon’s arms, the cursed tattoo glaring at him in the morning sunshine. Simon is still passed out, body curled into Baz, chestnut curls bouncing with each heady breath. The mark bitten onto his neck from the night before flashing like a highway sign on his neck."

(once someone bookmarked this with the tag 'out of character' and it has haunted me every single fucking day since I read that. WHY DID THEY BOOKMARK IT IF THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT. sorry it drives me crazy. I DONT UNDERSTAND.)

Tagging (no pressure, and anyone else can also jump in!): @justlookfrightened @bittysthesis @chaoskiro @zimbits-my-love @parseisflat @a-very-gay-disaster @dessertwaffles

[gojonanami]

( fortnite dances in your inbox to infect you with another dumbass concept that haunts me )

so concept: satoguru meeting as children

both remember the meeting however satoru holds it in a weird place in his heart, it's just some normie kid but also the first person to treat him normally ( he remembers it was fonder than it actually was, suguru was grimacing a lot at his forceful order suggestions and orders ) and for someone so smart, he never connected the dots.

but suguru? his gay awakening. even as a child satoru has an ethereal beauty to him but his personality is so bad ( to a point young suguru asks how can he have friends like that and satoru meekly admits he does not have any but hes the strongest so it doesn't matter. suguru does not understand but hes just, oh this kid is pathetic like a sopping wet cat, i cant not befriend them )

I like to imagine some gojo family business just dragged them out here, perhaps hunting a curse and they wanted satoru to do it himself, but is coincided with a local festival so, living in the gojo compound pretty much all his life, he is attracted by the allure of the festival where hes just there, among the trees watching and suguru is the one who finds him after a terrible introduction suguru is showing satoru around the festival grounds and winning prizes and getting sweets

also would it be fucked up or what if, the two head off into the woods to watch the fireworks together with no one around, and the curse tries to go for the fucking kill and satoru casually nukes it ( live suguru reaction in the corner, the utter shock ) and this is suguru's gateway into the world of jujutsu because YOU CAN SEE THEM TOO???

i blank here but the reunion at jujutsu high is on fire. suguru immediately recognizes him because you can't forget snow white hair, long lashes framing such heavenly blue eyes and tries to greet him, in like a familiar way, and satoru is like, how dare you breath on me ( shoko: lol. lmao even. )

suguru decides to is going to fight this guy. somehow these losers end up becoming friends and falling in love or something.

Ok this is so cute 😭😭 I love this - I love stsg so much and they are everything to me

but also now that we got canon confirmation that gojo has run away before 🤭🤭🤭 this could have happened for sure

[darklordofthesimp]

Not me being brave enough to click the discord link and discovering the invite is expired :(

Please, mother. I request access to the cult.

Here is a bribe offering to prove my worthiness:

----

Leaves crunch. You blaze through the thicket of trees, a trail of flattened flora and fauna beneath your steps.

You're loud.

You're too damn loud.

What happened to being quiet? To being sneaky?

You were doing so well. He gave you a headstart and you got cocky; thought you could pull one over him. But you were wrong, so wrong.

Despite the pounding in your ears, you stilled your body and forced your breathing to slow. Silence. Was that good or bad? Slinking between the trees, the bark is rough against your hands as you press up against a trunk. A glance at your wristwatch tells you it's only been five minutes. He said you would be given ten.

Surely you've moved far enough? If you climb one of the trees or find a large enough bush, he'll never find you. So you break into a brisk pace, looking for the perfect spot to hide.

Four minutes left and you whip your head around, searching your surroundings.

Three minutes. Your heartbeat is rising and you ignore the goosebumps raising across your skin. There has to be a spot. Somewhere. Anywhere, for you to hide.

Two minutes. Your brisk pace is bordering on a sprint. Sweat trickles down your face and the chill wind draws a shudder from you. Oddly enough, none of the trees have branches low enough to allow you to climb up. No bushes in sight either.

One minute. You're fucked. You're absolutely fucked. The cogs in your brain start spinning rapidly. Your body begins to tremble. Is it fear? Adrenaline? Excitement?

You know it's all of the above.

"Time's up, little one." You whirl around to the source of the voice. There he is, standing in a clearing a few feet from you. His mask covers his face but you see the glint in his eyes. His posture is low, like a predator stalking its prey.

"How?" you ask, chest stuttering to draw in air. Your fingers go cold. Every nerve in your body is going haywire, and it takes everything to focus on the pair of eyes observing you.

"Didn't say I wouldn't follow you, did I? Only said I wouldn't chase you for ten minutes." You know he's grinning underneath.

"That's not fair--"

"Life's not fair. Now be a good little prey and run," he snarls. Your body freezes, and he chuckles. Your eyes widen as he slowly shortens the distance between you two. "Run," he barks.

Your legs respond before your brain does. You're flying through the forest. The wind whips your face and heavy thumps haunt you from behind.

You can't wait for him to catch you, but you're not going to make it easy for him.

With a burst of adrenaline, you're running faster than before.

A low growl erupts behind you. "You won't be able to run anymore when I get my hands on you!"

----

I didn't specify so people could interpret it as Simon or König

-����

MY JAW

IS ON THE FLOOR

AND I CANT

BREATHE

THATS DEFINITELY A SIMON THING "I said I wouldn't chase you for 10 minutes I didn't say I wouldn't follow you"

You have earned your place welcome to the shit fight

(Also lemme go refresh the link on my masterlink lmaoooo)

[soupdeewoop]

favorite lines from "THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT"

your wife waters flowers, i want to kill her

All my mornings are monday stuck in an endless february

but you're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down the road

we're modern idiots

You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate

i scratch your head, you fall asleep, like a tattooed golden retriever

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me, but you told lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave

'cause it fit too right, puzzle pieces in the dead of night, I shouldve known it was a matter of time

'cause i knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch, he saw forever so he smashed it up

did you really beam me up?, in a cloud of sparkling dust, just to do experiments on, tell me I was the chosen one, showed me that this world is bigger than us, then sent me back where I came from

now im down bad crying at the gym, everything comes out teenage petulance, "fuck it if I cant have him", "I might just die, it would make no difference"

how dare you think its romantic, leaving me safe and stranded

my spine split from carrying us up to the hill, wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill

thinking how much sad did you think I had, did you think I had in me? oh the tragedy

i stopped cpr, after all its no use

two graves, one gun, ill find someone

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? i died on the alter waiting for the proof

i just learned these people try and save you 'cause they hate you

id rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitchin' and moanin', ill tell you something 'bout my good name, its mine along with all the disgrace, I don't cater to all these vipers dressed in empire's clothing

there's a lot of people in town that I bestow upon my fakest smiles

my friends tried, but i wouldn't hear it, watched me daily disappearing, for just one glimse of his smile

another summer, taking cover, rolling thunder, he doesnt understand me, splintered back in winter, silent dinners, bitter, he was with her in dreams

little did you know you home's really only a town youre just a guest in

florida, is one hell of a drug, florida, can I use you up?

little did you know your home's really only the town youll get arrested, so pack your life away just to wait out the shitstorm back in texas

i need to forget, so take me to florida, ive got some regrets, ill bury them in florida, tell me I'm despicable, say its unforgivable, at least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, florida

go on, fuck me up

this cage was once just fine, am i allowed to cry?

what if hes written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

these fatal fantasie given way to laboured breath taking all of me, weve already done in my head

what if the way you hold me is actually whats holy?

they dont know how youve haunted me so stunningly, i choose you and me, religiously

if you wanted me dead you shouldve just said

crash the party like a record crash as i scream, "whos afraid of little old me?", you should be

i wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me, you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

you caged me and then you called me crazy, i am what i am 'cause you trained me, so whos afraid of me?

they shake their heads saying, "god, help her" when i tell 'em hes my man

ill show you heaven if youll be an angel, all mine

whoa, maybe i cant

i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed

if you know it in one glimpse, its legendary, you and i go from one kiss to getting married

you shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles, i wish i could unrecall, how we almost had it all

youre the loss of my life

the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night, i can show you lies

'cause im a real tough kid, i can handle my shit, they said "babe, you gotta fake it till you make it" and i did

lights, camera, bitch, smile, even when you wanna die

im so depressed, i act like its my birthday everday

'cause im miserable (haha), and nobody even knows, try and come for my job

and i dont even want you back, i just want to know, if rusting my sparking summer was the goal

you didnt measure up in any measure of a man

in fifty years will all this be declassifed?, and ill say, "good riddance"

i wouldve died for youre sins, instead i just died inside

so when i touch down, call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team

'cause the sign on your heart said its still reserved for me, honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

he jokes that "its heroin, but this time with an E"

you look like clara bow

this town is fake but youre the real thing, breath of fresh ait through smoke rings

the crowd goes wild at her fingertip, half moon shine, a full eclipse

youre the new god were worshipping, promise to be dazzling

beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours demanding more

you look like taylor swift, in this light, were loving it, youve got edge, she never did, the futures bright, dazzling

[ramblerogueblogs]

2,53, and 77 for all three of the girlies ya mentioned!! (Also I can't WAIT till everyone gets to meet You Know Who omg)

WAAHHH KAT THANK YOU SO MUCCHH!!!!! You spoil me omg! :3c AND I CANT WAIT FOR YOU KNOW WHO EITHER!!!! Soon.... everyone will Know

First up, Tiller! 🌊🦀🪼🐉☀️

2. Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

Honestly?? I think it's Aveline! First off, Aveline is the most competent in battle, and has already personally saved Tiller's ass so many times, which she is SO thankful for! Tiller knows Av is very strong, as well as cool under pressure so she knows she can always count on her. Also, Tiller believes the two of them have built up a lot of trust since the beginning of the adventure, and I think feeling so confident in Av's care for her is one of Tiller's greatest accomplishments! :") They've come so far!!

53. What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

Very simple, but I think it's Water Breathing! She likes being able to be with all the sea life she loves so much, and she can bring friends along!

77. If your character had to multiclass into a class they currently aren’t the next time they level up, what would it be and what reason would they have for doing so?

Probably cleric! Tiller just met her mom who is a god, so I'm sure she's already developing some dynamic around her mom, and the religion that literally already exists around her. XD But I think she'd like going on small pilgrimages to find other sea dragon siblings in the future, and spread the word so to speak. And plus, she'd be a little more like Roy!

Next, Sandra! 💘✨💒🍸😈

2. Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

Ooooggghhh this is hard... I think Wizard. There's something about his confidence, self-assuredness, and laid back attitude that Sandra would fully trust him with Anything. Like if he says "hey brother, it's all gonna be okie dokie <|:)", like she'd believe that statement to be fact now. It IS all gonna be okie dokie.

53. What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

I think Glyph of Warding. It's made Sandra a couple of friends the last couple of times she's used it, and she likes helping people! Also it has the ability to explode the target when triggered, and if that isn't the Sandra dichotomy, well :) Spell of Help Out My Friends And Also Fuck You

77. If your character had to multiclass into a class they currently aren’t the next time they level up, what would it be and what reason would they have for doing so?

Maybe Bard? That was my answer to one of Frenchy's questions, asking what she would do if she had a full class change. So many of her social skills and talents already overlap to bardic traits so I think it would mesh well with her whole attitude. She'd love to give better shows and throw bardic inspirations around lol! (I can also see Wizard tho... she IS studious)

And of course, Aubreyyyyy 💀🚬💸🤬🙄

2. Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

Oh mannnn, Aubrey wouldn't trust any of you bitches, which works out well because if she loses her life, that's not a big deal for her. If I had to choose tho... probably Jeannine, cause who else is she gonna turn too except her toxic yuri situationship. Like "hi save me not because you care about me, but because I KNOW you're a phantom rogue and I'm gonna haunt your ass to hell and back if you don't"

53. What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

Fear. She thinks it's funny.

77. If your character had to multiclass into a class they currently aren’t the next time they level up, what would it be and what reason would they have for doing so?

Rogue, with the intention of building up to the Mastermind archetype. It's literally Manipulator The Class, lol so Aubrey would love it. I can see her getting frustrated with the "unwanted attention" and "consequences" that her undead warlock magic and maybe a little murder causes. So it's nice to have a plan A that's just "I tell you what I want and you give it to me". Lot easier on the clean-up. (Also with that Expertise, her Deception/Intimidation would be +14 so like... let's go girls)

[sagemoderocklee]

song lyrics for the fic title thing

>Hold the line Love isn't always on time (hold the line)

>I'm fearless now But it cost my soul (killer)

>Take my heart, don't lose it or To know you is to love you (cheri cheri lady)

> And thinking of someone for whom he still burns or He's haunted by something he cannot define (the distance)

>I don't care if it hurts me I wanna be worthy or And made sure you never see Any ugly from me (my ugly)

woah anon you really came ready to provide distractions thank you i love you

long so under a cut and boy was this a challenge to come up with ideas for all these! thank you anon! i had so much fun with this and i hope you like the ideas i came up with

hold the line love isn't always on time definitely gettin a late in life romance vibe from this one. gaara is finally set to retire from being Kazekage. he's 40 years old but feels fucking ancient because of all the obvious reasons--living weapon, child soldier, died at 15 and resurrected, host of a tailed beast, Kazekage since 14 and so on. not to mention changing the very foundations of Suna and shinobi life. he's done a lot. he can step down and let his niece take over as the last true Kazekage because with her things are finally truly changing and he knows she'll make him proud...Gaara is definitely ready for a reprieve from it all, but then his niece still needs his support and guidance so okay maybe his retirement doesn't actually start right when he wants it to and maybe he's 45 when he's finally, truly DONE with it all and can fucking breathe and experience things he's otherwise only indulged in in secrecy and in the most fleeting moments... maybe now he's not Kazekage he can finally just live. live for himself for once. and in living for himself he take a vacation and runs into Lee who retired years earlier due to his body just giving out from all those years of using the Gates, and maybe Gaara'd told himself he was too old for love to find him now and maybe he'd lied to himself and said he was okay with never having a proper lover, a proper romance--it was always secret trysts with other closeted diplomats and dignitaries; it was never anything real. but here's Rock Lee, long time friend, one time opponent, and he's looking at Gaara like he's the reason the stars shine so bright and maybe, just maybe he's not too old after all

I'm fearless now But it cost my soul Lee's always wanted to be like everyone else. able to do ninjutsu, able to be a normal shinobi. but everything comes with a price and wishing to be just like everyone else means losing what makes him him... history rewrites itself. Lee and Gai were never close; Lee and Neji never had a feud, and so their friendship was never all that strong; Tenten and Lee are perfectly fine, there's really not much difference there surprisingly... but then it gets to the memories of his match with Gaara and.. he'd lost that, just like he did before only... it had been unimpressive. his loss is instant, he wasn't disabled by it and he didn't prove anything to anyone, least of all gaara... and that had made all the difference. Gaara was less fractured, less volatile without his fight with Lee. And he'd been less open to changing his ways when he and Naruto faced each other. without Lee's influence, Gaara had still been the child-monster and with it comes the death of a loved one, and Lee wants to stop it all. he wants to take back his wish, he wants to go back to being different, to being what he'd been before. but he's 25 years old and he cant rewrite the past a second time, can he? is gaara even the kazekage? is he even still alive--after all, Akatsuki had kidnapped Gaara and killed him--only, Lee doesn't remember that ever happening. In fact, Temari is the Kazekage and Lee has to race to figure out just how different the world is and how he can right what he's wronged. eventually he finds Gaara, who'd abandoned Suna completely and is still just as unstable as before but... there's something there and Lee knows without a shadow of a doubt he can reach Gaara, he just has to be the man he was before his stupid wish. He just has to be the genius of hard work he used to be.

Take my heart, don't lose it or To know you is to love you mhm this one's giving me trouble. these two dont really feel like a connected story, and i think i vibe more with the first one as a title overall.... okay okay going in a completely different direction than what i was expecting. we're gonna go a like dark fairy tale route wit this one and really literalize the title. so like gaara is ya now this royal who's gotta get married to some other royal because politics but he's in love with lee, so he gifts lee his actual heart to keep safe. Lee's probably Gaara's guard so they have their secret lover's meetings and Lee always gives Gaara his heart back for those and then takes it with him when he leaves so gaara can bear being married to someone else. it's awful for lee to watch gaara be married to this other person and to know he's sleeping with her and starting a family and so on, but he still has what matters--Gaara's love. but without his heart Gaara's not the ruler he was before, the ruler he'd promised to be, and there's a plot against Gaara and Lee knows the only way to save him is to return his heart to him permanently but someone has taken Gaara's heart--his wife, because she's jealous and angry that Gaara has never loved her and thinks she can make him love her by holding it. and ultimately Lee has to fight to save Gaara's life, get his heart back, and return it to him so he can lead the kingdom as he wanted, and also be willing to risk their relationship in the process. it'll probably work out in the end but it's me so it'll depend on what makes the most sense but that's my idea for that! and like you could def do a oneshot with the other title. just something sweet and cute with gaara and lee, and falling in love bu i dont feel like i have any real revolutionary ideas for that one

And thinking of someone for whom he still burns or He's haunted by something he cannot define ok first title def feels like a fic about jealousy like gaara being jealous of Lee once having a crush on sakura, maybe he knows they slept together once and has this like horrible, destructive fantasy of how much better off Lee would be with her over him... like Lee and Sakura's hypothetical kids and so on. whereas the second title could be like from Lee's pov and him as an outsider to gaara's internal woes not understanding what it is that's constantly coming between him and Gaara. ultimately feels like two short fics that are left with unresolved tensions between them and a question hanging over them about whether or not they can make this work

I don't care if it hurts me I wanna be worthy or And made sure you never see Any ugly from me this one feels like it could be like a short lil series of snapshots from both lee and gaara's perspective just them like struggling with their respective issues surrounding what it means for them personally to be worthy and ultimately culminating in them being worthy of each others love. simple and straight forward. i def like the first option as a title, a lot but can def see the second one working as like a sequel that's really in conversation with that first fic about worthiness and trying to deny your flaws and keep those parts of you hidden from your partner so like... okay the first fic is like them as individuals trying to be achieve this idea of being worthy and the sequel is like them as a couple trying to be worthy of each other.

[justagalwhowrites]

hiii bestieee i was just listening to haunted by taylor (ofc, and im also mourning it since she did it without me there but i wont get into that lol) and i listening and i was thinking like woah this is so doc and joel likeee insaneeeee i mean “you and i walk a fragile line i have known it all this time but i never thought i’d live to see it break” and “i’m holding my breath, won't lose you again, something's made your eyes go cold” like them having a good thing and everything breaking down especially the his eyes going cold like thats so joel after the outbreak and yk losing sarah and then doc

and then the part where she sings “don't leave me like this i thought i had you figured out, can't breathe whenever you're gone, can't turn back now, I'm haunted” sooo doc bc she thought she knew his every single thought but now she doesn’t and can’t away bc she’s still so in love

and then “stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had but I still mean every word I said to you” I MEAN how many times she did this exact thing !!!!!!! like fuck you joel but how many times did he just leave her standing there !!

“he will try to take away my pain and he just might make me smile but the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead” LIKE ????? her being with tommy and then derek and being happy but not letting herself truly fall in love with them and make a nice life with them bc joel still haunts her

“something keeps me holding on to nothing” THIS LINE !!! they both know they’re terrible for each other but can’t let go bc there’s still this unresolved thing that just hangs over their heads

“i thought i had you figured out something's gone terribly wrong, you're all i wanted” LIKE COME ON😭😭😭

sorry this is too long bestie i just cant get it out of my head now!!

IT'S NOT TOO LONG BESTIE I LOVE EVERY WORD THANK YOU FOR THIS BLESSING

[fullcupceramics]

I dont need halloween this year to feel haunted by ghosts and spirits,

Ive reached my limits and i wont share with you the specifics

of what I lost, saw, and experienced being the recipient of a war I never agreed to be in, a war that most in the region never asked for.

you see, this year I've been running on the holy land for the exits.

running to create distance between me the rockets and the bullets

running so i wouldnt be another statistic, another causality of this war.

Im so tired of running.

and i think about these leaders,

I think that they must be cracking, breaking, awaking at night in must be painstaiking

But its not.

on their thrones their making legacies, not of handshaking but of taking, land, life, and liberty.

sorry off topic This poem isnt political,

its about how the war has affected me

but while im at it, im begging on my knees, please, i plead

my mind found a way to escape the cruel world; it created a wall and a screen.

i watched it play out in theater - scene by scene, sometimes i couldnt differentiate what was real or a dream

i couldnt comprehend how something so serene could darken from the war machine.

The bombs are further now, but my body doesn't always know

so im still breaking down on the cement feeling the blow

and i find that even on days like today,

the spirists get in the way

and have something to say.

swarming, buzzing, drowning out logic and reason.

its treason and im freezin and losing the moment.

so ive learned to envision the roots of a tree

and think of 5 things I feel, touch, smell, and see

these fucking symptoms of PTSD are mean

but im grateful.

grateful to be alive and breathing and free

grateful to be experiencing this life.

so maybe I'm not haunted

just trying to be fully rooted again and watered by the rain and the sun.

-----

I dont need halloween this year to feel haunted,

it feels like im still watching the movie on the screen, sceene by scene.

they take my presence

their power overwhelms me

so ive learned to envision the roots of tree

and think of 5 things I feel, touch, smell, and see

but man is it exhausting and frightening to feel lost in my brain,

just bring the chain so i can feel secure

I wish it was as easy as sharing space along the mediterranean shores where their children - Jewish, Muslim, and Christian children - could explore the crisp clear waters.

But its not. And this poem is not meant to be political. But while im at, im begging on my knees. please.

couldnt comprehend the flood of videos, images, and stories,

brutality, rape, murder and burning

im still roaring.

what was before was no more.

What was the world i inhabited for 27 years,

now felt like a place in which all i held were fears.

[more]

The bombs are further now, but my body doesn't always know

so im still breaking down on the cement feeling the blow

sometimes still watching the movie on the screen, sceene by scene.

I havent really escaped anything because it feels like its everywhere and people have decided that to win is to pcik a side and see the other as evil.

And im here to say that after years of living in the region anything but seeing humanity is lethal.

dont be part of the halloween ghots and spirits, these evil sprits seem to be in people

What is a brother, mother, and father to say but "please stay safe"

but how do you stay safe in a place now foreign.

how do you stay safe in a place that is under attack and you cant understand all the news because its in a language you were only beginnign to understand and you want to go but feel guilty to abandon your friends but feel obliged to get home to your family an ocean away. How do you stay safe when your body is trembling and your mind is frozen like the arctic and you cant understand how you let yourself live so naively for 27 years.

Its been a year since our world changed and people decided that to win is to pick a side and see the other as evil.

We can play this game, we can argue over semantics, and facts,

I can say they were here first, and youd contradict.

I can say they were the under dogs first, and youd contradict.

I can say they are not the oppressors, and youd contradict.

I can say they are defending their right to exist, and youd contradict.

And in the ocean wed drown instead of helping each other swim ashore where we can breathe a shared air on a land

and to create distance between this

[shoutascoffeepot]

They tell me to love myself

But I do, I really do. I now choose my own peace, my own comfort.

I didn’t do that before. I self sabotaged and harmed myself until I couldn’t breathe.

And how couldn’t I? It wasn’t like I was living.

To live isn’t to be chased by monsters, monsters that want to y me, take over me, kill me in my sleep.

No they don’t want to kill me, they just want to drive me out of my mind.

It’s such a burden to be too aware, too knowing, and you can feel yourself slip away. Slipping closer onto that ledge and to fall into insanity.

It hurts even more that others see it, that it’s not something I can hide, I can only merely isolate myself and brew in self misery, alone and boiling colder and colder until I reach absolute zero.

Loneliness is harsh, but going insane with no support, having no support because you are going insane, because you don’t allow people to enter.. That is the epitome of agony.

I’m going crazy, I think… I’d go crazy before seven years go by. I think… I’m going to have the most horrific death that is unpreventable and unthinkable.

Yet when it comes to be, I will welcome it with open arms, like an old friend.

I am in pain, constant pain and guilt eats me because I am in pain. I have no reason to be, no fucking reason.

Nothing interests me and nothing holds me back, I am attached to no one and nothing. I am nothing. But somehow I acknowledge I am everything?

I am everything. I am merely going insane because everyone thinks I am nothing. No better than them, but I am better. I am just held back, by myself.

At constant war with myself, a constant battle that never ended. I can’t end it because it means ending me, my consciousness. As terrifyingly beautiful as it is, it’s haunting me.

What kind of life is it to be haunted by never ending nightmares? Never ending intrusive thoughts. To be holding a glass cup and vividly seeing yourself falling face first onto the ground, the glass sandwiched between your face and the floor?

To be walking down the stairs and vividly see yourself falling and your rib breaking, stabbing your lung and it will burn with blood filling it as you cant do anything because your spine was dislocated?

To imagine the freeing feeling of antigravity if you ever took the jump before you splatter like slime onto the concrete and your parts fly away from your body?

How pleasingly painful it would be for a few minutes before death envelopes me?

The tension between death and I feels like a lovers dance, except we aren’t lovers, we are enemies, but are irrevocably drawn to one another.

I want to die. So bad, no one really needs me, and it’s so draining for me to live, so draining, I can’t stand it. It’s driving me insane.

I don’t want to live, it’s stressful. Stressful to explain to anyone who questions me, the truth, because they don’t believe me.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I just want peace of mind, I want actual nothingness because no one wants to accept greatness from me.

And I do not, for the life of me, have the energy to prove them wrong.

I don’t even have the energy to fix myself.

I really don’t.. have anything..

[velvetporcelain]

no. you don't understand the definition of aphrodisiac.

No I don’t give a fuck.

Don’t show me the good in life. Please it will scar me. It will taint my psyche. I am but a sheep, coward, maiden. Those things still exist.

What do I do with the things that still exist inside my head? How do I kill memories? Are memories a curse or a blessing? Neither or nature?

I think memories live in the heart. or they are the spark, and what type of fire is up to us. we either rise from the ashes, or we burn the entire fucking house down. we make a stake and the memories become burned into our head.

do you remember the day you rose above? do you remember the first day you said I don't give a fuck?

why does he always think I need help? LOL I dont understand, do it my way or don't help. I cant help that. he told me today. " solve your own fucking problems" hahahaha. I didn't take it personal. you're right, get the fuck out.

i like to act like my life is hard. but it's not. it's life. it's soft.

however---

I'm kinda pissed off actually. in the back ion my mind, I am angry. I can feel it. and little bits of it are coming out, because I have been holding it in. I know exactly what it is. and because I know exactly what it is-- fuck--- again? what will it take to break the curse? what will it take to break that power you have over me? what will it take too cut the cord. do you want the cord cut? do you even fucking love me. you piece of shit. I swear to god, you fucking broke me, you took me apart, analyzing me with all the right words, already knowing my response and you loved seeing you work yourself through my body. you fucking coward. Id really like to put my fucking knee in your dick. I want to slap you so hard that my nails leave marks across your face, for days, and every time you look in the mirror you will forever be reminded of me because of it. I want to fucking haunt you. I want you to never sleep. I want you to keep dreaming of me while you are wide awake. I want you to suffer from my memory. I want it to teach you about yourself. I want it to make you think fucking deep, deeper than you thought even fucking possible, it makes you feel insane it's so fucking deep. abyss. abyss. abyss. I want you in the fetal positions just floating in nothingness with all the ugly and odd fish. every time someone says "make a wish" you think of me. I ground myself with the fact that you also will never be able to get rid of my memory, we will never be able to cut this cord universally. you will always compare every other woman to me. I will become a "model woman" inside you head, one that will never be met.

right now? all you need is to still on the phone, in silence with me. you just want to hear my voice and listen to how I breathe. you want me to stimulate your mind like a good loyal puppy dog, you want rewards and you want to be--- pet. You want the thrill of being on your knees in front of a real woman. adrenaline junkie. need small doses daily. need to express yourself with sex. Sex being art, art being creative, less consumption of life, more creation of life. two to tango type vibes.

what an incredibly raw entry.

rare. bleeding. raw.

things are not hard for me, things are soft. I do things that do not require me to always have guard up 24/7. I always in my natural state of softcore woman. I dont like being hardcore, but it doesn't mean I won't do it, I just said I didnt like it. It still happens to me. Where I am soft for too long and then all of the sudden I become hardcore. I can feel the shift, the duality. but now? I feel like they are working together. I stopped trying to figure out what was impulsive, I will never really know. we could label any past choice impulsive. I think being impulsive and spontaneous is the same thing. everything we do is almost always will feel impulsive because we are most definitely living in a world of routine and ritual. and ritual to America is a nice house in the suburbs, marriage, kids and wife- good schools and white crime. so what the fuck are we really doing by diagnosing "impulsive behavior" as a defect? wasn't this country built on impulse? or maybe I doing understand the depth of "mental illness" it sure seems very easy to say that anyone, or everyone is "sick" or "mental ill" because at the end of the day-- what does "ill" look like to you, you have watched enough tru crime documentaries to fucking know, I know how much Americans like serial killers. so fucking tell me-

maybe I am not exposed to enough reality, I'm only exposed to my conspiracies, which is code for imagination. I am only limited to what information is given- right? mental illness to me looks very much like a mental hospital. I immediately think of a mental hospital when I think mentally ill. because the is the way it has been shaped. rare. special. critical. but the fact that it can look like the happiest person in the world is terrifying. are we coming to that realization. is mental health normal yet? are we acting accordingly to our genuine concern.

I hate it when people sarcastically say that I am "enlightened" it's like----- what the fuck does that even mean? does that mean you recognize me as a source of power now? okay, yes, I like this rabbit hole. haha. I mean seriously, is it spiritual jealousy? we are all born free into a world of chains and things. and they all say we aren't free again until we die. so what does that tell you? that earth is either hell or purgatory. wait how the fuck did we get here? --------

am I saying too much? am I just a very good fantasy writer? or am I just shit, am I just another brain on the spectrum of all things? meh. why care? in one hundred years, no one will know me. there will no minds left on earth with my memory. so I'm going to make the best of being alive, I'm going to be me spontaneously, and hope to god that I do not live to see world war three. which makes me think- where was god? where the fuck was god? the devil is not afraid to show his face, he is not afraid to show god how proud he is to own this place, and the only thing past the blue sky is space, ive only witnessed what humans can do, I don't think I have ever witnessed what god could do. I believe humans are the gods. humans are the creator of the devil. humans are creators of god. humans are creator of the Holy Spirit. I believe we do not recognize this power just as we refuse to recognize a compliment. we just cant believe in ourselves enough, and this will be our downfall.

not me, I'm starting to believe. in me. producing my reality easily. attracting. I guess what I needed was to come on here and slang some bullshit out of my head. make room. clear the clutter. feel vulnerable until I don't anymore?

I remain what I am, a muse. for all life.

-x

[flowercrownmickey]

Ian Gallagher is 19 years old and the only plan he ever had for his life is well and truly down the toilet. He had thought working at the diner with Fiona was as soul crushing as it could get until he tried working as a janitor at Lip's university. Sure the partying was fun, but when Lip made it clear he wanted his own space, his own big room without his fuck-up of a brother (and at one point best friend) hanging around and cramping his style? Well, Ian had decided that was as soul crushing as it could get.

It did plant the seed of an idea though.

Space. His own space. To be on his own, out of that house. Away from nagging older sisters, endless drama at home, and vomit on dormitory floors.

And that is how Ian finds himself sitting in some barely functioning beater he had bought cheap off a neighbor, staring at a house he rented off of craigslist, smack in the middle of podunk fucking Oklahoma.

Space? Well yeah, this place is nothing but space. A whole creepy ass house to himself and not another soul for at least a mile in all directions. But now that he's here he's wondering if he maybe didn't just a little bit overdo it.

Oh well, fuck it. It's not like the beater is gonna make it back to Chicago anyway. So he sits and stares at the tall lonely structure with it's single looming half-dead lookin' tree. The sun is going down which only makes the old house seem even spookier than it had in the daylight (which was admittedly already pretty damn spooky).

And it's just as Ian's beginning to wonder if he hasn't just maybe rented a haunted house off of fucking craigslist, that the headlights of a truck pulling in behind him flash in his rear-view mirror.

Finally, the damn landlady with the key.

Ian climbs out of the car and leaning back against the driver's side door he pulls out his pack of smokes to light one up while the truck rolls to a stop next to him.

The twilight cloaks the figure while it's still inside the cab of the vehicle, but as soon as they exit Ian realizes this is not a woman.

It's a guy, a young guy (cant be much older than Ian himself really), with dark hair and a stocky build. And also shirtless for some reason? Guess that's Oklahoma for you, Ian thinks. But as not unpleasant as this guy is to look at, his presence is a bit alarming since the emails he had exchanged about renting the house had been with someone named Barbara Yaga.

Oklahoma is fuckin' weird, but this 20-something year old guy cannot possibly be named Barbara.

Before Ian has a chance to fully panic at the possibility that he's about to have a very unpleasant interaction with a random shirtless local, the guy barks out to him, "You Gallagher?"

Ian cautiously puts a pause on the fight-or-flight response.

"Yah." He takes a drag from his cigarette and watches the guy move fully around to the other side of his truck.

"I got the key for the place." The guy jerks his head towards the house but keeps his eyes fixed on Ian.

Ian narrows his eyes back at the guy. It is no small effort to keep his gaze from not wandering down shirtless-guy's bare torso.

"Uhh... Barbara?" Ian ends up saying a little dumbly since guy-who-is-probably-not-Barbara has now leaned up against the passenger side of his own vehicle and mirrored Ian's position. He hasn't glanced away once and it's starting to feel a little less like polite eye-contact and more like staring.

The guy grins, it's small and lopsided. Cute. "Do I fuckin' look like a Barbara?"

Well, no. Ian purses his lips and starts to suck in a breath but mercifully the guy doesn't seem to expect an answer.

"She's my aunt. Sent me over 'cause I just live down the road a ways."

He pauses and a long moment passes where apparently they're just staring at each other.

"Name's Mickey." Apparently-Mickey finally says, breaking the tension a little and putting Ian out of his misery. "I'm supposed to make sure you're not a serial killer or a delinquent or what the fuck ever before I let you inside."

For the first time, Mickey's eyes leave Ian's only to scan down his body then back up to re-initiate eye contact.

Oh.

Ian knows he can be a little dense, but that was definitely not a heterosexual once-over.

"Well... Mickey." Ian lets himself relax and smile a little. "I'm definitely not a serial killer." he flicks at his cigarette knocking the ash off the end and decides he can probably get away with skipping over denying his possible(definite) delinquency. "...I'm just here to uh... get away for awhile, ya know? Things back at home in Chicago were uh... Well. I just needed to be somewhere different...disappear for a minute I guess..." he trails off after realizing he's maybe beginning to ramble a bit.

And it's in that moment that Ian's effort to keep his eyes where they belong slips and down his eyes go taking in Mickey's bare chest, the gentle curves of his pecs with his barely visible peach fuzz and then lower to his soft little four-pack. The waistband of his jeans is resting low on his hips, hanging on for dear life.

And Ian, to his great horror swallows involuntarily. It's nearly a whole gulp like he's some sort of cliché in a teen rom com.

He can feel his face heating up when he flicks his eyes back up to Mickey's. Who, by the way, is wearing a deeply pleased and amused expression.

Ian would be annoyed if the guy weren't so fucking cute, leaning so casually against his truck like he has absolutely nowhere else he'd rather be right now.

"So your aunt said the place uh..." Ian's brain kicks back into gear as he recalls the whole point of this conversation and the emails he'd received from the landlady. How did she put it? "...fully furnished?"

Mickey smirks and blatantly checks Ian out again. "Yeah. Last renters left everything behind. I think even their fuckin' flat screen is still in there."

Ian blinks because well, that's weird, right? "Why'd they do that, something happen?" and an eerie connection dawns on him. "Is that why the rent is so cheap??"

"Fuck if I know, man." Mickey shrugs and actually glances away for a moment. It comes off only a little bit suspicious but the guy still seems so amused and casual Ian can't find it within himself to be really all that concerned.

There's a short beat between his words while Mickey's eyes fix themselves back on Ian's. "Aunt Barb just doesn't like the place bein' empty. Needs someone in it to keep it from goin' to shit. And there really ain't a whole lot of people lookin' to rent out here, so..."

Ian nods and lets himself accept this explanation, unsure of why he feels like he can so easily trust this guy. Who is hot. Not that that's relevant.

Okay, so, is he thinking with his dick? Maybe.

Does he care right now?? Well, he's just driven for about 11 hours straight and he's in the middle of butt-fuck fucking nowhere, so... No. He does not care right now if the only reason he trusts this guy is that he's hot and definitely eye-fucking him. If Ian gets to go lay down horizontal on a bed, jerk-off while fantasizing about licking this guys cute little pink nipples, and then sleep for at least a few hours before he gets axe murdered or whatever then honestly? Sounds fine. Thrilling, in fact, compared to how life has been the last few months.

Ian stubs his spent cigarette butt against his shitty car (that honestly may never run again if the sounds it had been making are any indication) and drops it into the grass.

"Alrigh--" Ian's interrupted by the obnoxiously loud ding of a text message notification from his phone in his back pocket. He'd be willing to ignore it and power through but three more dings pierce the otherwise quiet moment in quick succession.

Mickey looks away as Ian breaks their eye contact to retrieve his phone. It's Fiona, of course.

Fiona: you were supposed to do the dishes last night but debbie says she hasnt seen you at all Fiona: lip says youre not at his place Fiona: dont ignore me ian Fiona: where are you

Ian sighs heavily, his eyes flicking back up at Mickey for a moment.

Ian: sorry about the dishes Ian: im fine Ian: im in oklahoma

Ian's phone rings immediately. He taps Ignore Call and quickly switches his phone to silent. He will deal with that later.

"Sorry about that." Ian puts some casual cheer into voice and Mickey finally looks back to him. "Just my sister." he offers, subtly he thinks, but Mickey pulls an amused face at him anyway.

"Rent's due by the 1st of the month." Mickey starts his spiel unceremoniously. "Don't steal anythin', fuck anythin' up...just keep it clean and pay your rent on time and we'll be good."

Ian nods, accepting that this little encounter seems to be coming to an end when Mickey turns around, opens the door he'd been leaning against and climbs halfway into the front seat of his truck. When he reappears he has a single simple house key pressed between his fingers which he holds out to Ian.

Of course their fingers brush against each other when Ian grasps for the house key. His stomach swoops and the way Mickey looks into his eyes at the same moment has him wondering if maybe the guy didn't just experience the same thing.

"Cool... thanks." Ian smiles and gestures with his new house key, playing it very cool.

Mickey gives him a curt nod and after a moment of what seems like deliberation he turns and points up the road. "If you uh.... need anythin'... with the house or... figuring out the area or whatever I live in the place right up the road." he turns and looks back at Ian again. "...it's uh... the one with all the blue rose bushes out front."

Another quiet moment passes and Ian realizes they're just staring at each other again when he hears the not so distant howl of... a fuckin wolf? Are there wolves out here??

Suddenly Mickey is making his way back to the driver's side of his car. "See ya, man."

And even though his face isn't really visible anymore Ian can still hear the smirk in his voice.

The truck rolls backwards until it's out on the road, the headlights flashing in the mirrors again while Ian is pulling his backpack out of the front seat of his car. He watches the taillights on Mickeys truck get smaller as he drives off.

And that's that, apparently.

He slings his backpack over his shoulder and takes one deep long breath, feeling the warm key in his palm and the tingling on his fingers where his skin had brushed against Mickey's.

He looks around again. It sure is a lot of fucking space. But that is what he wanted after all. And maybe this whole escape will involve a little more adventure than he had planned. And honestly? Ian thinks he'd be pretty okay with that. Alright, let's get this shit over with.

Ian can't help it, he smiles and actually lets himself feel excited as he finally starts his trudge up to his fucking haunted house.

mini moodboard story challenge [x] | [x] | [x] | [x] [ more ]

[mirtifero]

I dont typ e it because i lack the emergy ans my head hirts. Funnn fun fun fun fun i want to kill myself i wished i was dead isnt it funnt isnt it so fucking funny i love saying that bevause it doesnt feel serious right everyone feels rhat everyone doed ! Why would you care if i said i was going to kill myself. Im a hysteric little bitch an annoying ass teenager i think too much i live in my own dumb world and jmahine things tjay arw nkr eeal ams make everyone angrynat em and eberuone LEAVES Isnt that funy isnt it. It is funny it has to be. Kt need s to be funnt. Im hysteric and thats why no one tales me seirlusly . If i wastn tlike this people would take me seriously. Ah yes thank you for your interesting imput nook ineed to say it like a weird bitch i cannot be normal for fucjs asake i thi k im always rigth i thing k im always correct and i al2aus always need everyothing to be funnt and good and everything has to have hope i. Jt because it NEEDS to because otherwise i will DIE. the ghosts of people who left because thwy couldnt care leas about ne haunt me and j think abkut them coming back and laughing at me all the time. Everyone laughts at me. Its so easy to laugh at someone whk wants to be funny all the time. Isnt it funny. I find it funnt. Im laughing rght now. Shsoukd ng i?every noght i dream i cant speak i cant breathe i cant move and everuone laughs at me and everyone thisnks im crazy. And every dream i see people loving me and laughing bevause they KNOW they wont coome backk they are GONE . I cant do anything right

Its been 24 days since winter break statterx. 24 days. 24 days and i STILL FWEL LIKE THIS. I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS. AJBQQNBS ISNT IT AMAZING. ????? . GOD IM SO STUPID.

Im just on my period oh im just a teenager oh itll pass im justt FINE. EVERYONE feels like this. Everyone has a perdect body and perfwct everything and looks in the mirror and feels like a hysteric ugly weak bitch and thinks why am I even trying. I habe what? More than a year clean. Provavly more than one year and a half. And i still dream about cutting myself in front of people i think about BEGGING to be listened to I dream of BEGGING to be HEARD.

But my psychologist is right everything is OKAY

I'm just a teenager.

It will go away

I need to wait

I need to wait

I' normal im just like any other girl.

Perhaps as hysteric as any other girl. As fake as any other. Im just like the ones who bullied and abused me.

I just need to wait

EVERYONE feels like this. EVERYONE commits suicide in most of their dreams. EVERYONE is horrified and thinks about how everyone is going to leave them. EVERYONE WANTS TO DIE. AND EVERYONE. EVERYONE. IS STUPID AND WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER BE LISTENED TO BECAUSE THEY ARE A HYSTERIC PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHO CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND IS JUST EMBARRASSING AND EMBARRASSING AND A LITTLE KID WHOS EMBARRASSING TO EVERYONE AND I AM JUST TROUBLE AND I AM just. I just. I wanted to have just died back then. I wanted to have just died before I discovered that life can be better. I didn't need hope. I feel forever tired. No amount of winter breaks will fix this. No growing up will. And if it will I'll kill myself for it. Because it's just too embarrassing to lie. And I'm not lying. I'm not. I'll kill myself. I'll kill myself if I was lying. I'm not lying. I'm not exagerating im not being dramatic im not im not im not i just want people to HEAR me. I just want to be heard. Please. Please . Please. Please. Im so sorry. Please. Please. I hate myself and all that i get embarrassed for. I hate evrything i am. I hate how i cant seem to do anything. Im a liar. Im a liar im a dirty liar. Please. Please.

[midnight-basker]

2022: Smoldering Ash.

I wanted to wait until todays date to write this, my yearly look back.

Ive noodled this intro in my head for weeks. Thinking about how I'd go about this, what level of tact, of frustration, of anguish, of steadiness.

Below the cut, is an incredibly personal look back on 2022.

I write this for myself, for my own self.

A year ago today, an integral part within me was forever, irreversibly altered.

I lost someone, I lost them as someone who existed in my life, as someone who wanted me in theirs.

They were the singular most important, most favorite person I knew.

It felt like I was drowning.

The last words they said to me haunted me back then, and... honestly still do. Even now.

In the darkest sense, I was set free. The Hanged Man, cut down from its hanging tree, the Wheel of Fortune revolving to the next half-cycle, the Tower come crashing down.

It was like... Learning how to breathe again. A fundamental aspect of my life and of my self that was now a void that just... had to be reconstructed, or better said, had to be built around.

I lost myself, for the first part of 2022. I didn't turn to any vices or bad habits or anything like that. I was just... not there for that part of the year. I was empty, a void, a husk. I had lost them and I... could not recover.

Rather... I wasnt capable of recovering.

I could not tell you what happened in January, or February, or March, or April.

I cant because... I dont remember any of it.

Anyone who knows me well would know how much that fucking scares me. Its one of my biggest fears, losing my memories. And there I was, my mind refusing to retain anything. Incapable of retaining anything.

I didn't contemplate anything drastic. I just... didnt contemplate anything at all. I was a black void wearing the shell of the person I used to be. I didn't reach out to anyone, I didn't, couldn't, let the shell slip. At the time, I felt that no one I knew, or could talk to, would be able to help me in the way I needed or wanted.

So I kept quiet. I went to work, I take care of house and home, I played games and spent time with friends through that.

But that wasn't the person I used to be. That was the shell. The void pretending to be human. Doing whatever it could to maintain any anchor it could establish. Anchors provided stability. Stability, it had hoped, could provide an identity. It had not had the ability to entertain the idea of recovery back then.

...

Until May.

In May, for what ever reason, my family had decided to explore a cavern that was near by. A half hour drive to one of the local caverns found in the mountain region by the new home I lived in. A forty minute tour 500 feet beneath the earth to explore a line of caverns decorated with dazzling lights and incredible nature-made structures.

I bring this up because, that was the first thing I can remember from 2022 after January. The cavern was fun. It was something I had never seen before in my life. A completely novel experience that, well honestly, became the first thing that began to fill the void I was.

And from that kernel within me, I started to reach out.

Not to anyone in particular. At first I made an effort to connect better with online friends. Just... being more around than before. Making plans with the ones I was local with so that we could hang out at a mutual mall.

Then, I started reaching out to people I once talked to. Old friends from high school and that era. Hung out with some, but admittedly nothing substantial came from it.

I suppose, looking back on it, I was rebuilding a new set of connections. With the loss of the most important one I had, I wanted to ground myself. To suspend that kernel of self in the center of the within the void underneath my hallowed shell with a web of all kinds of connections.

My memory of the summer is still spotty. I remember hanging out with a high school buddy for her birthday bbq. At this point, I had reached out to my closest friends. Told them what had happened. They gave me the same advice they had always given me, and just as before, they were there for me. They had my back.

Come July, I had my biggest excursion yet.

This was known to me for months at this point but it was finally time to act on everything my family and I had prepped and planed for.

A 10 hour drive with my immediate family from the DMV area all the way up north to cross the Canadian frontier.

A week long family visit, being taken out and toured all across Montreal and the surrounding area. Words cant describe how incredible the trip was. Exploring a world I had never experienced before.

It was absolutely amazing. And by the end of it, I felt... better.

I didnt feel whole. Not by a long shot. Despite all of my renewed connections, hang outs, big trips. In the middle of them all, was still a void. Everyday I missed them. Everyday I wish I could talk to them again, show them what I had seen. Invite them to join me.

This was a feeling that reverberated my entire being. In the darkest corners of my self, the longing for my closest friend remained.

By the end of July, I was now 25. Part of me hoped that something would change. That I would get a phone call or I would wake up and something fundamental would be different or fixed.

But, the world doesnt work like that, unfortunately.

When I turned 25, I tried my hand at reading the tarot again. Something I had stopped doing back at the start of the year. By the point, my prophetic dreams had eluded me. Sleep was just a reflection of within and within was... well, you know.

I wish I could say I found success again in my augury...

Nothing was there. It was gone, all of it.

It was... heart breaking. Another aspect of myself either gone or lost. The rest of me left reeling at the discovery.

There was one silver lining, however. As a result of my efforts, my dreams started to come back. Nights were no longer as lonely as they used to be.

In August and September, I got more involved with the online communities I was already in. Make a name for myself yknow? Be someone recognized. A lot of that involved just being present in twitch stream chat and in discord. It was fun, and still is. Even got to guest act in a youtube video.

I also started a new hobby, one to supplant my origami hobby. Sticker collecting. I took stickers I either found cool or bought ones online, and turned them into magnets. That way I could rearrange them however many times as I wanted, and never truly lose them.

Im looking at my collection so far right now. Ive got a good collection Id say so myself.

...

October...

October had 1 thing happen that...

...

In October, they came back.

They reached out to me.

And... We talked for the first time in... 10 months.

We shared one conversation.

I thought that things would be better, we would work on regaining that level of friendship we had before. A rocky start sure but we woud make it through, like we always did.

A week later, we shared half of one.

And then.

Nothing.

Everything had gone back to the silent darkness it was before.

I hadnt heard from them since the previous December. I hadnt *seen* them since the previous July, on my 24th birthday.

They had come back.

And then... they left. No words, no explanation.

Just... gone.

The words they told me in January rang in my head for the first time in months.

...

If I wanted to talk to you. I would have.

...

Any progress I had made up to that point was... shattered.

Its taken me almost an hour to write this section. As I recall every detail, the words, the hope I had, the abyssal disappointment when I realized that in the end, nothing had changed. Nothing was going to get better. nothing I could do would matter.

For a long, slow set of days, I felt myself slip closer and closer to that blank slate.

Except, now, I had a support structure.

The very same web the void had constructed. One built on reformed connections, experiences, dates, hang outs, jokes, memories, people, places.

I had lost who used to be my best friend for the second time in the same year.

And it hurt in a way that I cannot, and will not describe. Because it still hurts the same way now.

But I was propped up. By the same connections I made, a safeguard, a failsafe, a causal net I had never expected or hoped to have been used this way.

November was here.

I could not slip back to a blank slate.

November saw me preparing for my first convention in January. MAGfest, held during the first week of that month.

Every day was like standing at the bottom of the ocean, weighed down by blue-tinted blackened sky.

By this point, I had already taken a habit of making more night time drives. Familiarizing myself with the Midnight Highway. Finding a comfort in being surrounded by nothing and no one on the road. Windows down underneath a moonless night sky.

Work had begun to ramp up, and with that, I had even less time for myself than before.

So I decided to make an effort to rebuild another connection one that wouldn't allow for me to slip back to nothingness.

I started hanging out with an old pair of friends from my previous friend group. At first I was worried. As they shared a history with them, and also with me. But, as fate would have it, in the context of we three, that history was water under the bridge after a conversation or two.

Im happy to say that Ive been able to maintain that streak thus far.

December was much of the same.

To the point where I dont recall the divide between months.

...

Everyday I missed them.

At the end of the year, I spent it with online friends while physically I was with family. The week after that, came MAGfest.

An intense 4 days of con-walking, video games, costumes, music, panels, art. A whirlwind of everything I enjoyed. I even got to meet one of my favorite streamers, got a photo too.

Im thinking of going next year too.

Im also thinking of going to a con in Vegas this summer. If Im fortunate enough, Ill be able to do it. If Im fortunate enough in both luck and money.

If this feels abrupt, its because it is.

Im still experiencing everything that happened at the end of 2022. Im still reeling, Im still processing, Im still wishing I could go back to MAGfest.

You dont just lose the person you loved and cared about the most in the world, someone you've know for years, suddenly. And... just be okay with that. Every single day I think about them at least in passing. And I miss them, each and every time. Yeah I had amazing experiences this year ones that I will never forget and will only grow upon, but even throughout it all, I thought about the person I lost, who I wanted to reconnect with to rebuild.

2022 was spent grieving. I cant say what I want 2023 to be. I dont know yet. I think I want to continue recovering the person I was before. Continue filling out the void I am and fixing the shell I wear. New connections, better connections.

Let me rebuild. Let me breathe.

Let me live.