#I CANNOT POSSIBLY FILTER EVERY SINGLE ONE

[labyrynth]

i am begging all “x reader” writers to use a universal tag.

as in, a tag that is not specific to a single fandom or, god forbid, a single character within that fandom.

that could be “x reader” or “character x reader” or “reader insert” or something else entirely

i am glad you are having fun! it is unfortunately Not My Thing, however, and i would really like to be able to traverse the main tags without having to manually blacklist every possible iteration of [character] x reader just to avoid it

[stargabs]

Per Audacia Ad Astra

[uncivilliberties]

>unfairly banned

>checks internet archive of her blog

>99% of the posts are completely unlabeled pornographic text and fantasies, not even a tag

>checks tumblr guidelines:

"Nudity and other kinds of adult material are generally welcome. We’re not here to judge your art, we just ask that you add a Community Label to your mature content so that people can choose to filter it out of their Dashboard if they prefer. You have the option to add a community label when making a new post, reblogging a post, or editing an existing post. Depending on your content, you can label it as generally mature or choose a specific category such as “Sexual Themes” if your post contains sexually suggestive subject matter."

if you actually give a shit about transfems who are getting harassed left and right then stop martyring people who are getting banned for not labeling NSFW content they post.

and god before anyone tries to have a fit and accuse me of some bullshit, i do not have anything against NSFW, i'm not a puritan asshole, what i DO have an issue with is people posting sexual content without any content labels (yet alone tags) meaning people who don't want to see that content can end up getting exposed to it anyway, even if they've taken the time to filter tags.

What are you fucking talking about? 99%? She posted about music and chatted with friends and made shitposts. It would take an extremely bad faith reading of her blog to find out uniquely objectionable UNLESS you were already inclined to find trans women's existence inherently sexual.

In your reply to this post you accuse her of constantly posting about her kinks and fetishes, helpfully including a link to the Internet archive. Let's take a look, hmmm? Wow, that's a lot of posts about music. In the limited snapshot available at that link I see one (1) masturbation joke that wouldn't even be a blip on the radar if this were anyone else's blog, a goofy ask about breasts that she answered in kind, and a couple of references to being a deergirl. Oh, I see what you mean. The crazy thing about this is that it took one single word to turn it horny. She could have said deer and not deergirl. You absolute dipshit.

"I'm not a puritan asshole, I just wear puritan asshole pants and a big puritan asshole hat and shout puritan asshole bullshit." Even if there was NSFW material somewhere in her history it would still be the thinnest possible excuse for banning her. It would still be blatant selective application of the terms of service weaponized against trans existence. Do we really need a community label on every single dick joke on this site to keep the children safe from harm? Cis people get to make dick jokes with impunity!

"People who don't want to see that content can end up getting exposed to it anyway" This is not the foundation for any sort of moral imperative! This cannot serve as the basis for any sort of course of action! The idea that we need to tag and police and bubble wrap any potentially objectionable thing online is exactly the excuse they are using for KOSA. It's no kink at Pride discourse. It's this post about Pete Buttigieg.

Straight people don't get policed like this. Cis people don't get held to these standards. Are you Staff in a wig and fake nose pretending to be a user supporting their rationale?

[genderqueerdykes]

do you have any favorite guides to diy hrt (transfem)

i'm actually glad you sent this ask:

i cannot condone DIY HRT for anyone due to how unsafe and unpredictable it is. i will never post or share guides on DIY HRT, estrogen OR testosterone, because i do not want to be responsible for someone's injury or even death.

people have been spreading myths online that estrogen is 100% safe to DIY, and it is not- no hormones are. you NEED to know if it is safe for you to be taking that hormone before you start taking it. the reason why folks go through so many tests when getting HRT through doctors isn't medical gatekeeping. they are testing your existing hormone levels, as well as your kidney and heart health, blood pressure, bone density and liver enzymes. this sounds like nothing to the average person but this is a HUGE deal, these are all VITAL parts of your body's health and safety and screwing with any of these could have life long or life ending consequences. you need to know if you have a pre-existing health condition that could possibly kill you if you start HRT

people have bought into the myth that because estrogen is associated with women that it's completely harmless, but just like taking too much of ANYTHING, taking too much estrogen can be extremely harmful and even potentially fatal. it can cause osteoporosis, heart attacks, deep vein thrombosis, and cause damage to the liver and kidneys while it's being filtered out. you can overdose on hormones, potentially leading to death. many folks who DIY testosterone HRT end up overdosing accidentally, and it happens to just as many people who DIY estrogen

there is no way to know if estrogen pills pressed by a stranger online or bought off the street ACTUALLY contain estrogen, and in the exact same doses and amounts every single time that you need to transition. there's a possibility that one batch tests strong, one batch tests weak, another has no estrogen in it whatsoever- especially if you're getting your pills from different people. there is no way to know that vials of estradiol bought online/off the street actually contain estradiol and are not just 100% a carrier oil. there is NO way to know if those vials of hormones are sterile, either, which is a huge concern. getting needles and syringes secondhand is extremely unreliable as well.

without medical testing to help, you will have no idea what dose is safe for you to start at, what will be safe to titrate up to, and the rate at which it will be safe to do so. a lot of people will be tempted to start taking more and more and more estrogen because they're not seeing the effects they want soon enough. a lot of people will start off with a dose that's way too high for them, or advance their dosage too quickly. there's no way for you to know if you're damaging your organs until it's too late if you don't get regular tests

plus some folks run the risk of further organ damage by taking anti androgens that they may not even need to take in the first place, but were lead to do so because of dysphoria. some people may start taking more and more of their anti androgens because they're not seeing results fast enough, only to further risk their health. medications like this are filtered out by the liver and kidneys and putting undue stress on them can damage them for life, making continuing HRT potentially deadly

unfortunately, there is no one size fits all dosage or plan when titrating up to higher doses. every single person has different needs when it comes to HRT, every body responds in a unique fashion. your HRT NEEDS to be tailored to your body. you cannot follow a guide given by another transfem, unfortunately, because your body is not guaranteed to react in the same way theirs does. you may have health issues that you didn't realize you had that could endanger your life by starting HRT.

overall, i'm very sorry to disappoint, but as someone who has a special interest in medicine, i cannot condone DIY HRT for anyone, regardless of what hormone you're taking. i understand that many people do not have access to medical care that will provide them with HRT, and i know it seems unfair to tell people in these situations that they're shit out of luck. i can't stop you from doing anything, but i just want to urge to you that DIY HRT is very unsafe and can very easily result in someone's death if they're not careful

stay safe out there, good luck finding what you need. i wish people could just get the appropriate medical care they need and not have to try to pull all these strings to make it happen. you shouldn't be forced into a position where your only option is DIY, or that you feel you won't be able to get it any other way. it's a shitty symptom of a greater problem. nobody should be forced to take medications in amounts that they don't know if it will hurt them or not because of the hateful beliefs of someone else. you deserve to be in good care to get what you need.

[batterfang]

AI Art and Goth

I'm going to be yelling into the void here, I know, but I want to get this out there because it's frustrating and I just need to yell about it okay lol. It's my blog, I'll complain if I want to.

So, recently there's been some discussion online about bands/record labels in the goth scene potentially using AI generated "art" for their album/single covers. Why does this matter, to me? It matters because as an artist myself, I know the time that goes into creating a piece. The hours, months, and years I've spent laboring away at something that means so much to me. A piece of my soul is in every little drawing or painting I make with intention. My art is my mark in this huge world and evidence that I existed. It's an extension of my feelings and thoughts and loves. That's what art means to me.

On the other side, you have ai generators. On top of frankensteining images from the internet at large, they can also steal pictures or artworks and overlay filters on top of them to make them look like the generator made them. (So I've learned today, which makes me very upset and I also learned what "scraping" means.)

So with that said, I'm sure anyone would understand why record labels maybe using ai instead of hiring artists to create an original piece OR using the huge selection of public domain works that are available is frustrating and an ethics issue. Right? Especially those people that are a part of a subculture that is based on an art form - music. Right?? Apparently that's not the case because there was waaay too many people for comfort arguing that it doesn't matter. "Who cares if they're using ai art?" ... "It doesn't look like ai art to me, stop this holy crusade." ... "This is just rage bait." ... "What about sampling used in music? It's the same thing." To that last one especially, NO IT IS NOT, THANK YOU LOL. Artists interacting with another artist's work and transforming it is not the same as a computer stealing images and spitting out a monstrosity. You might tune your inputs to get a certain outcome, but that computer is doing all the work, all the composing, it's placing everything in that image. Why don't people understand what art means?

Whether or not these suspicious cover arts are in fact ai is up for debate, I'm not arguing that. (Though after personally reaching out to one record label about it and having received the most vague answer possible where they didn't even address my questions fully, I'm even more convinced that they're probably using ai.) What I'm arguing here is that it shouldn't be acceptable, from an ethical and moral standpoint. I don't want souless ai generated pictures to become the norm in the subculture. I want artists to support each other. I want the goth community to support it's artists and musicians. The use of ai art cheapens art in the worst way and harms artists and I cannot vibe with anyone who thinks otherwise.

If you read all this, thanks for taking the time.

[rjalker]

[ID: Text that reads, "Billie, Bob, and Joe would like to beg you to tag posts with flashing lights as 'flashing', not 'flash warning' or 'cw flashing', literally just 'flashing'.

Extra words and variations prevent people with photosensitivity from filtering the posts that are dangerous for us. Tag posts withflashing lights as 'flashing'. Just 'flashing'.". The word "not" is underlined for emphasis, in "not flash warning", and the final line of "just flashing" is also underlined for emphasis. at the bottom of the image is a black bar with Flatlanders seen from their own perspective appearing as different shades of white and grey. Billie is a simple thin, vertical line of white. Bob is a wide bar of white in the center fading to grey on either side. Joe has a white stripe in the center, and a sharper fade to darker greys on either side. End ID.]

If you tag your posts with flashing lights with things like "cw flashing lights" or "cw flashing" or "flashing warning" or "//flashing" or any other million possible variations, then that means that people with photosensitivity like me cannot avoid your posts unless we filter every. single. variation that anyone on this site has ever come up with.

It is your responsability as the one posting flashing lights to tag them so that other people can be safe. Tag them as "flashing". After you tag them as only "flashing", then you can add on as many variations as you want.

But "flashing" is the standarized tag. You must use it. Not using the standardized tag means that people with photosensitivity have to waste our time filling out filtered tags list with variations that in most cases won't even work for the next post with a variation.

Tag posts with flashing lights as "flashing". literally just the word "flashing". This includes flashing colors.

Flashing lights can cause people with photosensitivity headaches, migraines, nausea, and seizures.

Never tag posts with flashing lights with any variation of "photosensitivity" or "epilepsy", because this will instead make these posts show up when people with photosensitivity and epilepsy are trying to find posts about their condition.

The only time you should be tagging posts as "epilepsy warning" or "photosensitivity warning" is if you're warning people about flashing lights in a video that is *not included in your post*.

Like when I took the time to write out timestamps for all of the various flashing lights and sickening spinning of the camera in the 2007 Flatland film by infamous conservative bigot Ladd Ehlinger.

Tag your posts of flashing lights with "flashing". Do not ever tag them as anything including the words "epilepsy" or "photosensitivity".

If you are making gifs or video clips of the 2007 Flatland film by notorious conservative bigot Ladd Ehlinger, there's a 90% chance that the scene you're sharing contains flashing lights, because that movie is filled with them, and you need to tag it appropriately.

Also, never ever add gifs with flashing lights to other people's posts without explicitly asking beforehand. Still can't believe this is something we have to tell people.

[just-antithings]

proshippers r funny to me because of the degree to which yall just lie. "we always tag our content correctly" no the fuck you dont ive been in the world you cannot trick me, trying to filter out all the ""shotacon"" when i still used ao3 was a nightmare because even when it wasnt split between 2293809 different euphemisms which changed frequently as everyone else started realizing "old man/younger man" was being used for like a 6 year old kid instead of age gaps between adults which outside of your roleplay most people do have a different stance on than pedophilia, and people constantly just posting 5 yr old/20 yr old porn ageddown porn of canon adults with zero relevant tags. this has been my experience in all of fandom, telling a proshipper that they need to avoid posting untagged graphic rape porn in tags for shounen is apparently as painful as having your leg sawed off from how people react to it. you have posts insisting that it is at all reasonable for an ao3 user who doesnt want to see pedophilia should simply filter out every possible shotacon ship which is what i did so i can tell you thats incredibly unreasonable because that number is generally in the thousands, doesn't count as "tagging correctly", and also DOESN'T WORK because again people will just not tag shit or do agedown porn without tagging it so you can be in the tag of a ship for characters who are 50 and 60 in canon when lo and behold AU porn where the older one is babysitting the younger one and theyre 20 and 10, no tags except "Au - babysitter". like tbc i do think that even if you have the minimum balls to tag your adult raping a kid porn "pedophilia" you should still be criticized for that which i know the main conceit of the anti anti movement is pretending is worse than murder, but its wild how often people let yall just lie that tagging correctly is the universal or even a common standard. thats not even getting into the fact that ao3 doesn't let you select tags to automatically filter so you have to type in every individual tag you want out every single time you do a search. but no everyone should have to spend 4 hours theorizing every possible way you could weasel words your way around describing an adult having sexual intercourse with a child and then individually type em all in just so they can see read old men fucking without one of them being turned into a middle schooler. like with every other anit anti talking point it runs into the ultimate problem that yall are lazy assholes who are in this community in the first place because youre so allergic to compassion you can only tolerate people esp children if youre jacking off to them and so any measure yall claim you take for the good of others is ultimately a lie. also i still havent forgotten all those times you defended irl pedophilia or that one time you said you had a kneejerk reaction to discredit someone talking about a case study of irl csa by defending the pedophile and blamed "antis" instead of the fact that you spend all day every day defending being attracting to children. which is much worse, obviously

[riddlesmoon]

stop using character.ai. i know youve heard it before, i know you want to keep using it because youre lonely, or scared of being called cringe or made fun of, or you dont trust anyone enough to open up about your kinks, or people posturing about ai have gotten on your nerves because all they do is shit on you for using it without addressing why you actually want to use it! i get it, ive been there. still, with all the love i have, i promise you, there are better options that dont dubiously scrape from other peoples work or use a metric fuck ton of electricity. or has a shitty ass filter that stops you from progressing beyond heavy petting 😒

1. at the very least, if you are still insecure about your writing skill or dont want to involve other people, you can run an LLM on your own machine. the less people use big websites like char.ai (especially those that try to monetise themselves and thus have an incentive to expand as big as possible), the less servers they will buy (and keep running all the time, unlike a locally-run ai that you only turn on once in a while!). everything is stored locally too, so trust, no one will judge you. but i know it requires a fairly beefy pc (though i think there are some mobile options too? your phone might also have to be beefy tho im not sure i havent tried) so if you cant do that, a secondary option is to use a smaller site which doesnt plan to monetise (as in large-scale advertising and premium plans. nearly all sites will have a paid plan to support their servers, but these should be like donations rather than something that locks major features behind a paywall) since that still reduces the demand for char.ai's servers. (and you might say well it just moves demand to another site but i think char.ai is probably the worst with its premium plan. its better than nothing!) not to mention most sites that dont limit your content generally arent looking to monetise. cuz advertisers would not really want to work with that lol

2. rp with someone. i knowww this is scary and a lot of people have bad experiences. unfortunately, such is the mortifying ordeal of being known. trust me, i did not grow up roleplaying, i have only rped with real people like, less than 5 times. but it still makes the best content: when you can find someone you agree with, you can share some of the thinking and planning workload with them, they might come up with ideas you didnt, and every sentence they send is thought out and intentional. but yes, finding that perfect partner is hard, and it may not last. something something friendships. (also if everyone has the same reasons to use char.ai, it means youre all kindred spirits! CRINGEred sprits! your cringe partner might be out there!!)

3. write it yourself. i know this one is hard especially for beginner writers. what you write doesnt match up to what you have in your head. but if youve used ai extensively youll know half the shit they say doesnt match up to what you have in your head either. you mightve spent more time editing their responses. thats a good sign that you want to and can write! and theres plenty of people willing to look over and beta your work, whether for grammar and spelling or to smooth out major plot points. of course its harder to find the latter, but i would say its easier than finding the perfect rp partner, since they dont necessarily have to be entirely invested in your story.

ai chatbots are far from perfect anyway. they make a ton of mistakes, not least because they learn from prompts given by the bot creator, which simply cannot encompass knowing the actual media in your head because bots have a limits to how much info they can retain. even in a single rp, if it gets too long, they will start to forget details. if youre an aspiring writer and dont mind fixing those as you go, you can definitely dive into writing your own fics instead. i believe in you!

and if youre still scared of being called cringe or exposing your deepest darkest fantasies, message me and we can work something out. im pretty open to the craziest stuff and im already like bottom-of-the-barrel cringe in fandoms as a yumejo (selfshipper), so trust, youre not getting ANY judgement from me. i also like beta'ing cuz it fulfils the urge to write without having to think of plot and shit LMAO. or you can pay me to write the full fic idk

so yeah lets get out of this ai hole together!!! 💪

(and if youre not really looking to rp or write seriously, or are lazy and just pop into char.ai for a short convo or two, i cant exactly stop you, but just think about what youre doing. there are better hobbies i prommy. love you)

[phoenixcatch7]

Cap marvel headcanons I Will integrate into a fic one day but also have Zero basis in canon to my knowledge (this ended up being LONG):

The living lightning is an ancient force akin to the speed force, and the 'true' guardian of magic, being possibly the first 'magical creature' ever created.

The rock of eternity only recently became based on earth, in the past several thousand years, with the planet's deities acting as mountains in the rain cycle - funnels to safely channel the magic back into the Champion. It's a fully symbiotic relationship that benefits the planet and its people immensely.

This means previously the rock has been based on alien planets. Previous champions are ancient aliens, many from species that no longer exist, either because the species died out or evolved into something unrecognisable.

The champion of magic may have inspired the oua (?), the creators and high council of the green lanterns. Ooh maybe an oua was selected as champion, which is how they learned of it!

The living lightning, when not in a mortal vessel, rests in the heart of the Rock in a large brazier, with a smoke lid of white edged with gold in a familiar pattern. It is tradition, or perhaps instinct, for a Champion to light the brazier whenever they visit the Rock. It will be lit for as long as the visit lasts, and be extinguished the next time they come.

Should it choose to take form, the living lightning resembles a washed out combination of each of its previous Champions. Its form is solid and clear, strong and made for battle, but distinctly uncanny. It doesn't leave its brazier, nor speak.

The 'ideal form' of a hero varies all the time, doesn't it? Especially if you're a kid still growing and learning about yourself and the world. Headcanon cap ever so subtly changes features sometimes. Gradually. Height and build changes sometimes. One of the league members has noticed but they really can't prove it to themselves and it's driving them crazy. Billy has no idea.

On that topic, the 'ideal form' also includes the clothes, right? The red costume? If Billy transforms with the intent of doing something outside his normal hero things (ie, attending a celebration), the outfit has every reason and ability to change to reflect that! Everyone expecting cap to show up in his normal gear and ready to throw a formal suit at him to wiggle on over his costume and he shows up in a red and gold set with a little one shoulder cape like 'yeah I have no idea either'.

Cap marvel Is An Adult. Billy isn't, but cap is in every single way that someone could count. This is probably canon but in some fics I think the jl forgets lol. It's still the same soul, just, with an adult filter instead of a kid one. However that filter manifests.

Not sure this is canon too, but the idea of the mind/soul/whatever of cap manifesting as this great impossible mass. A storm, or a tiger, or a barrier of lightning. This giant, untouchable, dormant mass of power and implied Danger™. Again, Billy has no idea. J'onn is eying warily from a very safe distance.

His wiki practically waxes poetic about his abilities and skills in strategy, mathematics, nigh precognition from ability to spot and manipulate patterns. Captain marvel is unbeatable at chess. Batman has lost to him. Billy cannot do fractions and it drives him up the WALL.

The champion, and ONLY the champion, can share his powers. If shazam wants a second champion he has to give a new set wholesale or convince the champion to share. Similarly, those patroned by the champion cannot transform unless the champion is also transformed. Because otherwise that would be too easy for Billy lol.

Every time Billy asks, tawky gives a different canon origin story. Billy has no idea which is true.

Billy's parents died accidentally freeing Adam on their expedition. Probably crushed by rubble :(. The wizard is the only one who knows and really isn't inclined to share, and Adam either hasn't connected the dots or never really noticed they were there.

Cap and Billy love each other, regardless of whatever version their whole thing is. They're the only reason the other remembers self care and that kind of self love, even if he's not sure he deserves it, makes a world of difference with how they portray themselves to the world.

Cap doesn't need to breathe to speak but he never remembers that and has repeatedly choked in water and space. Superman empathises but tries not to find it funny after the third time it happens.

Billy has showed the wizard memes.

The wizard internally refers to Billy as the 'sassy, lost child'. He has a pointy hat like any good wizard but refuses to wear one since Billy keeps asking him to, pretty please.

Cap once won an arm wrestle with superman by pretending to lick his hand. He didn't. Billy would have.

Cap marvel CANONICALLY bites but after the first time he regulates his jaw strength. Thankfully it was Black Adam so no one lost a hand. He had him in a headlock so who's fault was it really.

Ebenezer doesn't have a strong opinion on cap marvel either way. Billy thinks that's almost worse.

The living lightning isn't lightning. It was around before lightning. It is living, however. It is that 'living' that forms the main consciousness of the Champion form, in this case Marvel. Its not sentient or sapient itself, that's the vessel, but it is the building blocks of it.

In dc (again no idea if this has any basis in canon) magic is the fifth state of matter, above plasma. Yes this interferes incredibly with quantum physics and theoretical science. No the magic users don't know how it works either. No they will not help you they have their own research (into the exact same thing) to do.

If the Rock is obliterated cap marvel will die (along with pretty much everything else but irrelevant). However, if he manages to save the brazier, he will continue on. Magic as a whole deal won't be very happy and aeons of magical knowledge and history and artifacts will be lost, but cap will live and can rebuild from the ashes. The brazier is Heavy but enough super strength can move it if you don't mind bringing a chunk of floor. And the rock is so weakened it's literally falling apart but those are the right circumstances anyway so.

[blindedbythedarkness]

The Undeniable Dystopia is Here.

Life is bad. Like shockingly, horrifyingly bad. Growing up really felt like living through a series of unfortunate events- I was certainly repeatedly traumatized. But I never had to fight for my life every single day. That's where we are right now, and yet 95% of people can't or won't acknowledge reality. Hell really is empty and all the devils are here.

We live in a cesspit of plague. That's the state of the entirity of the Western world. I didn't want it at the start because I knew I was more "vulnerable" to its effects. Now I'd avoid it with just as much effort even if I was the healthiest person on Earth. The vaccines didn't stop the death, they just made it slower so people wouldn't notice.

All around me the effects are obvious. Everyone is ill. "The worst colds ever" and "the first year they've ever had hayfever". Quality of life is plummeting. Life expectancy is plummeting. Workers shortages. The internet full of people begging society to change course but incapable of leaving their beds to plead in person. Babies born tiny and starved, the effects on their brains untold. Kids collecting autoimmune diseases like pokemon cards. More Strep. More RSV. Kid after kid with their limbs stripped to the bone to stop the bacteria killing the rest of them. Brain damage termed just "brain fog." Friends of friends dropping dead. Strokes galore.

But you only see it if you're willing to open your eyes.

I can't study safely. I can't sit my exams without risking another hit of the virus that has already left me more disabled. It's not safe to go to the shops. It's not safe to sit in my own garden without a mask. It's not safe to go to the hospital- I know for sure because that's where I caught it last time. Every possible step forward, every possible move, every single day, involves a level of risk I couldn't comprehend 4 years ago.

I don't have PTSD, because we are not 'post'. The trauma is still growing.

At uni, I sit there in full PPE. PPE I spent more money on than I can afford, as someone who lives on less than minimum wage. I look around the room for the seat with the best ventilation, the best chance of air flow. I'm not religious, but I pray. Because I cannot afford to become even more disabled and I cannot afford to disable the person I love most. And then in filter 200 people who no longer care who they hurt with what they spread. Most avoid me- an uncomfortable reminder of the ongoing horror. One decides to sit next to me, coughing, excitedly asking me if I will be joining them for post-exam drinks. Indoors. Unmasked. We live in parallel worlds and yet they cannot even acknowledge that much.

They jet off abroad. Go to clubs. Have a sniffle but visit gran anyway. I pay attention when watching shows set in other dystopias, taking note of how to clean and suture a wound at home if needed. We cannot risk the hospital. I grow vegetables as the online prices rise and we cannot risk a trip to the store. I'm reminding my family what's at stake and begging them to protect themselves because I can't lose anyone else. And I'm praying.

Once again, just like when I was a teen, I find my comfort in misunderstood monsters and outcasts. The lonely characters that the world hates, who break down in tears when shown an ounce of kindness. I get wrapped up in the fantasy of having a safe space where I can finally let my guard down just for a minute. Where I can finally feel seen and see a bearable future. And when I see their visible scars, I feel them too, and I struggle against the urge to make more of my own.

There's no one coming to help me though and no safety in sight. There is just endurance. Even what remains of the mental health service is useless- why would I explain my pain to someone likely happily spreading the very virus that has created this hell? And I can't ask for support from my uni- they've made their views clear that this is my "anxiety" and I'm merely "overly cautious".

But I caught it, so not cautious enough. And it damaged my already disabled body further, so not anxious enough.

The undeniable dystopia is here and there is no end in sight.

[gladstones-corner]

Liber Null - Liber LUX

This is part of my series on Liber Null. 

Hello everyone! Welcome to the next article on Liber Null. 

Last time we discussed Liber MMM. We laid down the fundamental techniques of magic and highlighted the importance of the magical log. This time, we'll discuss Liber LUX, the second chapter of the book. 

Introduction to Liber Lux

Liber LUX opens with a discussion on the theoretical aspects of Mind, Duality, Kia, Chaos, and Aether. Let's go over them one at a time. 

Mind is the entity that perceives the other four—it is the lens, filter, and focusing point. But Mind is fundamentally wired to perceive everything in dualities, where in order for something to be, it has to not be something else. This dualistic thought is only a perception, it is not the truth. True experience is non-dualistic. 

Is there any part of the perceived experience that is non-dualistic? Yes: Kia is the non-dualistic fragment of the universal force inherent in all things. According to Carroll, Kia is the basis of both consciousness and experience—the unity of will and perception. 

So everything has a fragment of the universal force. But what is that force? Carroll terms it Chaos, and provides two definitions. First, he writes that Chaos is "the 'thing' responsible for the origin and continued action of events..." (Carrol, 1987, 28). 

Secondly, he writes that Chaos is the force "which adds increasing complexity to the universe by spawning structures which were not inherent in its component parts" (Carroll, 1987, 28). It is the unmoved mover, which can be called Tao, God, or any other like term. 

Think of Chaos, Kia, and Mind as three stages from Unity to Separation. Between these stages is an intermediary stage called Aether. It consists of all the possibilities that are not yet realities. 

To tap into these Aetheric states, read them, and manipulate them to "call very unlikely coincidences or unexpected events into existence" (Carroll, 1987, 29) is called magic. 

Gnosis

How do we do this? We start with the magical trance as defined in Liber MMM. We then take it one step further. Carroll writes: 

"Altered states of consciousness are the key to magical powers. The particular state of mind required has a name in every tradition... In this book it will be known as Gnosis. It is an extension of the magical trance by other means" (Carroll, 1987, 31). 

In short, Gnosis is the state of mind required to work the most powerful magic. 

But how is it achieved? Carroll gives two main methods: the inhibitory and excitatory. The inhibitory method entails progressively silencing the mind until only a single object of concentration remains. The excitatory method entails the opposite—the mind is raised to an exalted state while concentrating on the object in question. You can boil them down to sensory deprivation versus sensory overload. 

I like using the inhibitory method for techniques that require a pensive, reflective mind (like divination). For techniques like spell-craft, I prefer the excitatory method; it helps me build up power within my body so that I can release it. 

In either case, I like to use hypnotic breathing to achieve these states. Hypnotic breathing is the deliberate control of the breath's depth and speed to help the body and mind synch up in Gnosis. It's pretty simple to learn. 

Applications of Gnosis

Okay, so what can we do with Gnosis? Carroll provides five major applications. Though he gives them in a different order, I'm going to rearrange them so I can better build off each topic. They are Enchantment, Evocation, Invocation, Augoeides, and Divination. 

Enchantment as defined by Carroll is what most people think of when someone says "spell-craft". For best effect, the magician should aim for a temporal sweet spot—not so close that the power cannot effectively build, but not so far that there are too many possibilities. The magician must unite their Kia with the uncertain Aether, consciously decide to manifest an outcome, then allow the unconscious to manipulate the Aether in order to achieve their goal. 

Enchantment is not the only form of spell-craft, though. Evocation is a technique by which a magician calls forth entities with the intention of having them achieve the goal on the magician's behalf. Magicians do this by concentrating Kia into an independent being. Carroll gives detailed instructions within Liber LUX, but generally speaking the magician must summon the entity by imagining or creating a model of it, concentrate energy into it, then banish it from consciousness so that it may work independently of the magician. 

On the other side of evocation is invocation. Where evocation focuses on the external, invocation focuses on the internal. The magician unites their Kia with a composite idea (such as a deity) and allows themselves to be "possessed" by the entity. Magicians do this to reprogram themselves for any number of ends. 

Something to remember about evocation and invocation is that you must always banish the entity when you are finished—whether that be after the spell is complete or just before resuming normal life. And, the banishing should be similar in power to the evocation or invocation; another reason to work on your banishing ritual regularly as detailed in Liber MMM. 

One last point: the highest evocation/invocation possible is contact with the Personal Genius. In Chaos Magic, this phenomenon is referred to as summoning the Augoeides. The Augoeides is the most perfect form of your Kia. It represents your niche in the universe, what Crowley calls the True Will. While Carroll provides methods for training oneself to summon the Augoeides, suffice to say it involves repeated instances of deep Gnosis. 

Okay, so we've covered four of the five applications. The final is divination. This one is pretty self-explanatory for those familiar with any magical tradition, but Carroll gives some notes worth mentioning here. First is that—regardless of the method—a light trance is best. He also notes that there is a sweet spot of complexity that the best methods strike. In his opinion, those are bones, stones, and runes. In my opinion, it's stones and tarot decks—particularly the Major Arcana. 

The Goal of Liberation

What is the point of all this magical thought and technique? One word: liberation. Carroll defines it as behavior that increases possibilities for future action. We can also take this one step further and say that liberation is behavior that allows us to fulfill our True Will. 

To do this, Carroll writes: "the solution is to become omnivorous. Someone who can think, believe, or do any of a half dozen things is more free and liberated than someone confined to only one activity" (Carroll, 1987, 45). This means that as a magician, you must be willing to scrutinize and change your beliefs—even if only temporarily. Carroll gives five methods for liberating yourself: 

Sacrilege: engage in acts that break or bend your rules (so long as you're not breaking laws). 

Heresy: entertain the opposite of your values; seek out ideas that are wild and extreme. 

Iconoclasm: view events through different lenses; think through the horrors inflicted in the names of good religions and identify the paradoxes in your life. 

Bioaestheticism: seek out that which you love to do; turn your body and life into works of art, love, and truth that unite you with a greater whole. 

Anathemism: get accustomed to things you hate, eat foods you dislike, knowingly go against your values (again, within reason). 

By engaging in these acts, you increase your understanding of self and its contexts. Going against your own grain opens you up to a wider range of thoughts and behaviors. The importance of this cannot be overstated when it comes to magic—for believing wholeheartedly in manufactured coincidence is prerequisite. 

Conclusion 

Okay, I know that was a lot to throw at you. Please take as many times as you need to read through this, and I highly encourage you to also have a copy of Liber Null with you as you do.

Reach out to me if you have any questions or comments, and please stay tuned for my work on Liber NOX next.

As always, stay safe and blessed be~

[lets-donate-a-kidney]

My first steps to donating a kidney

1) I went to the National Kidney Registry website, read all their pages, and thought for a bit.

(I’d suggest going through these folks if you’re in the USA; they made it easier for me to find a transplant center and can help reimburse you for time you take off work to donate.)

2) I registered as a possible donor on the NKR website. Registering doesn’t mean you are a donor now, you can cancel at any time. It just starts the process.

(More below!)

3) The NKR sent me a BIG online questionnaire about my medical history. And my family’s medical history. It took about an hour, but wasn’t too bad.

4) After submitting the questionnaire, the NKR asked me to schedule a basic screening at a Quest Diagnostics lab, and helped me locate one nearby.

5) Quest labs are usually attached to pharmacies; I went to one at a Walmart.  At the Quest lab they took a blood sample and urine sample.

6) A few days later the Quest lab told me the preliminary screening looked good, so the next step was to find a nearby transplant center on the Organ Procurement and Transplantation Network. This hospital would be where I got detailed tests like a CT scan and EKG, and ultimately, it’ll be where I undergo surgery. More on this in a future post!

What it was like:

I didn’t have to pay for any of this. The USA has very clear rules that organ donors are not responsible for any costs associated with organ transplants. No health insurance needed, either.

The NKR held my hand and made it easy to know where to go, and what to do.

I got a lot of emails from NKR and Quest Diagnostics. No physical paperwork needed.

I did have to go in person to the Quest Lab and the transplant center for screening. Since I live in a large city, it was easy to find one of each within driving distance. If you’re in a smaller town you might have a longer trip ahead, or you might need to arrange transportation if you can’t drive.

What was the hardest part?

The blood sample! I have tiny veins that are hard to stick a needle into, so the phlebotomist at Quest made me drink a whole water bottle and wait an extra 30 minutes. Drink plenty of water (not soda or coffee) if you make an appointment.

If you’re afraid of needles or the sight of blood, this part might be tricky. I suggest listening to music or watching videos on your phone to distract yourself.

It can also feel awkward to give a urine sample. You go into a private bathroom alone, pee in a cup, clean up with a disinfectant wipe and wash your hands, and leave the cup in the room afterward.

You kind of have accept the awkwardness. It’s not gross to the healthcare workers; they see it every day, and they already know you pee. You and they are both here to help somebody who’s sick, and that makes a few minutes of awkwardness worthwhile.

Other tips for donors

You won’t get in trouble if your blood or urine has traces of drugs in it. Healthcare providers cannot report you to the police. And they won’t judge you; they see that stuff all the time. But it is helpful to stay sober for 24 hours before you give a sample so that the doctors have more accurate info about your health.

Check your email regularly, including your spam folder. You can set a filter with the keywords “kidney” and “donor” so all those emails go into a single folder. There’s a lot of information and this makes it easier to keep track of.

You can opt out of the process at any time. Completing the steps above does not obligate you to actually donate.

[genderqueerdykes]

this may not be your wheelhouse and if so feel free to ignore but: do you know how to get past the sense of imposter syndrome wrt being punk? like. i'm punk, have always been will always be, it's objectively not debatable. but i've had to make some very un-punk decisions (ex. getting a degree and a normie job) in order to survive. and i haven't been well enough to do the work out on the streets or go to the venues in a while now. obviously i didn't magically become a poser, i still know the music, history, fashion, theory, etc... but i still kinda feel like a fraud :/ any advice?

you know, that's a pretty good question, actually, because i've noticed in a lot of alternative scenes, people really like to get uppity and make fun of people who are just getting into it, or may be into it for a while and then move on

i noticed it firsthand when i lived with other punks in a house venue. i saw probably hundreds of people filtering in and out of there over the course of months and a lot of conversations were leftist infighting and it just kinda became the same old garbage over and over again. some people have superiority complexes that make them feel "Above" everyone around them because they are counterculture. it can become a bit tiresome

what i would say, is that you cannot make decisions that line up with your beliefs/politics/etc. all the time. anticapitalists still need to make money. punks very well may need an established career in order to survive. people who live in food deserts have to rely on shitty companies in order to get their groceries and necessities. i don't think that makes anyone 'unpunk', fortunately, because despite how much we despise this capitalist hellhole, we can't just magically exist completely outside of it without engaging in every single thing we oppose

there's no reason why a punk can't be 'formally employed', so to speak, because not everyone is capable of living off of donations or running their own shop, selling zines, selling customized clothing, selling things they've grown ethically and organically, and so on. the thing is, is money moves so fast in capitalism that two weeks can easily break you. most people are one missed paycheck away from the worst situation of their life

as long as you actually follow through with what you believe and stand for in the areas where you can, that's what's important. as long as you behave in a way that doesn't oppress others, support your local community, participate in harm reduction events, or whatever your specific focus is on breaking down the structures firmly built around us to divide us, you are very much a punk.

respect for others, standing up for one's self, and other's when possible in situations where remaining peaceful is not an option, unlearning racism, trans/misogyny, transandrophobia, transphobia, lesbophobia, homophobia, intersexism, biphobia, and other queerphobic beliefs, learning to respect demonized and heavily oppressed people such as people of color, homeless people, addicts, people with personality disorders, people with schizophrenia, people with bipolar disorder, people with DID, people with OCD, people with autism, people with ADHD, and other neurodivergent and mentally ill people, and breaking down other internalized oppressive structures in your own mind to prevent perpetuating it, you've achieved your goal

the thing is is not every punk is a master of punk history, most punks are in the scene to meet with like minded people who very well may have other interests outside of the community that take up more of their time. many people don't have the time to read up on literature and zines because they live transient or busy lives. many punks don't listen to entirely punk music, some don't listen to any at all. i don't listen to a lot of music, due to being autistic and easily overwhelmed by sound, myself, so that is an area that i am not super versed in. i have very basic knowledge from sitting around and listening to other punks and their music, but i'm more focused on activism. but that's exactly the thing:

not every punk is an activist, either. you can wade as far as you personally want to into these waters. there are different kinds of punks, for sure, and that's not a bad thing at all. some folks are really passionate about music and want to spread a message that way, but may not have the time to become involved with local activist organizations. some punks are in it for the art. some are in it because they like each others company and personalities. some people like that there are a lot of trans and queer people in general in the scene so they find it a safe place to meet other queer people. some people like the casual atmosphere and ability to do whatever substances they want with other people in a safe environment without judgment, and around other people who have experiences with these substances. some people literally just dress alternative and like hanging out with other people who do and that's not bad, either.

all of these are okay things

as long as you acknowledge where you're at and not pretend to know more than you really do, you'll be fine. ultimately it means lot of things to a lot of different punks and just like any other identity, every punk will describe it slightly differently. i thought i was an outcast because i was the only real activist in that household, most other folks were there to be around like minded people who hate the way out society is run, and that's totally okay. if that's their vibe, that's their vibe. i can't tell them they're not punk, what would be the point of that? they play in and listen to punk bands. i'd be an idiot to tell them they're not really punk, you know?

you are the one who defines what punk looks like for you, as it is your experience. don't worry about someone else bothering you about it unless you've genuinely stepped out of line and said something potentially fascist, racist, queerphobic, etc. be open to genuine criticism but if someone gives you shit for not knowing some obscure detail about punk history it's not worth your time. i literally knew a punk girl who ran an anarchist reading club and she herself didn't read the book and just listened to everyone else talk about it and discerned her opinion from there.

punks come in all kinds- however:

THE ONLY WAY TO NEVER, EVER BE PUNK IS TO BE A NAZI, COP, OR OTHER KIND OF FASCIST. queerphobes, abelists, racists and their enablers aren't welcome either.

that's the main takeaway, if you ask me. i hope that helps, i have imposter syndrome with a few mental health things so i understand, it's a pain in the ass. if you have any more questions feel free to ask!

[linaket]

WBW: The Neither

So apparently it is World Building Wednesday here on writeblr! I'm still pretty new so I don't have as much on here about my stories for people to ask about, but sometimes my brain writes entire essays about aspects of my story/world and well... why not actually write them and share? I started doing this in my author comments to some extent when I was posting Act III of SP on Tapas, but there is... a character limit.

This is obviously not an actual structured essay, I don't have the discipline for that anymore, but... its a lot of thoughts that are somewhat organized about a single world building aspect for the Lifrasir Universe, which both (all?) of my projects take place in.

My askbox is open if you have any general questions, as well! I will try to answer, or maybe it'll be something that gives me an idea for a longer thing and I can continue doing this or something like it for WBW.

I've tried to keep this as spoiler-free as possible, but some things are bound to slip through in order to talk about it.

The Neither

The Neither is an actual place in Shadow's Prey, but it also plays double duty as a metaphor for Kanna's dissociative symptoms related to PTSD. (CW embedded in that statement, though nothing is mentioned in detail here.)

As Place

illustration of Kanna facing a version of herself in the Neither, from Act I of Shadow's Prey. by @jwhitnee

The Neither is called such because it is between "here" and "there" but isn't either one. It is a plane that exists between the living and the dead, between the real and what comes after. Haru describes it once as "the throat of the universe." If time and space are shaped like an hour glass, it is the pinch point where the sand filters through.

The people of Lifrasir have no true conception of what happens when they die beyond that they go to a place that cannot be reached or breached. What happens after death is beyond them. This belief, if one wants to call it that, comes from the fact that the gods of Lifrasir died long ago, and nothing of their powers has been seen since. The Neither is the gate that a soul passes through, but it isn't actually a place or concept that is known or spoken of in the world.

Kanna is inherently linked with the Neither due to her abilities as a "shadow" loa. Unfortunately, this means that she feels every death. This isn't really something she thinks about--it is like the sensation of breathing to her. However, those that die by her hand are felt more keenly because she is tuned into the act.

People are not meant to traverse the Neither. However, Kanna drags Osawa bodily through the space momentarily, and when he returns to the "real" world his abilities are modified. Kanna and by extension Haru are immune to this effect.

At one point it is implied that Kanna created the Neither. This is partially true. After experiencing a traumatic shock, Kanna unconsciously created a kind of pocket dimension within the Neither.

As Metaphor

illustration from Act I of Shadow's Prey. by @jwhitnee

Ghostlike versions of Kanna roam the Neither, referred to as echoes. They are from different times of her life, each holding parts of her fractured memory.

Kanna first visits the Neither in Act I via projection. Because she no longer has her memories at that time, she is unaware of where she is or what is happening. Therefore the Neither, which operates on a kind of dream logic, is seemingly out her of control.

Memory in Shadow's Prey works by association. For instance: the first thing Kanna regains is the memory of who she is--but in a factual, logical sense. She knows her titles and those of her companions, as well as a wikipedia-like rundown of her past. However, she does not have the context, such as the memories of events themselves or any emotional connection to them.

As the story progresses, the ways that Kanna interracts with the Neither also change. As Kanna regains her agency, she also begins to regain control of the Neither and the memories that reside within it. Unfortunately... to get more into detail on that gets into spoiler territory...

Read Shadow's Prey on: [ TAPAS | ROYAL ROAD | NEOVEL | WATTPAD ] Support me on Ko-Fi

[sleepysigh]

5-25-23 Culmination, Climax, Summit

Yesterday I told my mother that she has never believed me when I honestly attempted to help her understand that I could not give her the kind of love she wanted when I was a kid, but that does not mean I don't love her.

All my poetry, the crucible of my life, all the ways I folded myself down into a singularity and then looked inside it to find a star when I need one,

Every lie I've ever told, especially to her, and every time I've been honest, every relationship and metaphor, every single decision I didn't realize I was making,

Was all so I would know how to say to her, "You were a good mother. It isn't your fault. I love you the way I can. I know it's painful not having the child you wanted. You raised a fantastic person, though. My love is like Oliver's Hawk, it is harder than love. It is exacting, just like you agreed you are. I don't want people to be happy. I want them to be better.

The moment you reacted badly to the start of this conversation I began doing the mental math on getting home from this place 2 hours away if you chose to drive off and leave me. I know people who could get me home. If you chose not to help me get a car, I have a contingency to make an income. I am unstoppable. I am ruthless and pitiless and indestructible. People cannot hurt me except physically, and they don't want to hurt me physically because I make sure they don't.

You told me you wanted me to hide who I was so society wouldn't hurt me. I became the best liar you will ever know. I became the best chameleon in existence.

You wanted me to have good morals, to value curiosity, to be patient and less anxious and explore. I have become a knife that cuts through every emotional Gordian knot it can, all towards a singleminded moral imperative. I have become a pile of ethical determinations in a trench coat.

I couldn't be the little girl you wanted who was warm and fuzzy because I spent the first years of my life watching you and dad hurt each other. But I could be everything else and now even if I don't have much humanity I have become someone who will be a force for good in this world. I followed all of your instructions completely. I am the most possible of the thing you asked me to be.

So I hope you understand that I DO love you because I can't find any better proof than that."

I was asking her to forgive me for not being enough. That is, after all, why I am so tempered. That is the pressure that collapsed this star into a singularity and asked it to vomit up all its light anyway. Which I have done, impossibly, like a god and machine.

She responded by telling me "I understand all that but you have no idea how hard it was because your friend Scarlett had all the same problems and she was SWEET and she hugged her mom and she always said please and thank you."

So I dissociated and tried not to throw up for three more hours in the car with her.

I realized why I have been spending my time making cooperative people fall apart for me. I love them. They return it. Magnets, how do they work? Now I understand polarity, which means I can always point North.

I recognize acceptance. I have identified the manner in which I give and receive love. I have identified my right to do so. I have determined, at last, that there is a place for me where I do not have to use tricks of light to bend and filter and soften my love which has always been a devastating laser seeking to cauterize every possible wound and cut away every obstacle between the object of my attention and the path they must take through life.

Amoral in action, moral only in choosing who moves me to act. A weapon of spite for cowardice and devotion to honor. A challenge that rewards those who recognize it and rise to meet it. A cruel and necessary demand for adaptation exactly like that which forced a bunch of helpless specks in an ocean to work together for billions of years if it meant eventually coughing up a little beauty.

And to me that is precisely the god I was always taught was man's best friend in the opposite way a dog might be. I play at being a dog and being a god because I contain my own negation, which means no one else can. That's why the fixation on Kabbalah. That's why the love for balance, equations, math, games of ironies and trust that mean more than earnestness can. Because it is not enough to be good.

I have to be both good and evil, master and servant, myself and the Other. I am everything because everything was required of me. I am a fun, friend-shaped, soft mortal creature of immense and near inexhaustible power.

I am just as excellent and sublime a phenomenon as I thought, and she doesn't care. Her loss. A weight is lifted in a way. I don't feel a need to ever be sorry again.

In summary, not NPD, RAD. Reactive attachment disorder. This is why I fear humans but do not hate them and have struggled to understand well enough how to handle them with care that I am safe for them to be around. I am basically a cat, self-taming and therefore not entirely tamed. My life is defined by the good tension of keeping an ironclad will intact while being malleable enough to flow through the world. Of course I feel like a god. Of course I feel magnetic. The core of the earth is so much more like me than a star could ever be, and the earth is the only place in this universe capable of providing a home for love.

I have not become my mother or my father, but rather I have become everything each of them needed to survive, improbably, by burning and freezing and flooding myself for a far longer time than anyone could have expected. And now I am going to get to work finding out what sort of things I can grow.

[beautifulscreaminglady]

I read an article a few weeks ago about how so many people are single these days. And it wasn't until the middle of the article that the author offered a reason which I thought was a least a little obvious: heterosexual men simply are not putting in the effort to stop being single.

Women on the other hand, are advised to confront their entire existences head on and filter through every particle of our beings in search of The Thing That Is Wrong and Making You Stay Single. And then change that Thing as quickly and silently as possible, no matter the cost or pain or life threatening danger involved.

And if we cannot Get A Man, it is our fault.

Meanwhile, if you check out any dating app you will see men posing with the remains of animals so gory they would fit seamlessly into a slasher movie, bathroom selfies so soul sucking they belong in indie documentaries, and photos of something that would make the lighting directors on Marvel movies admit they can't see shit. Their hobbies are smoking weed and/or drinking beer.

Men aren't taking showers. Much less making an effort to be romantic.

I won't deny that there are men who are available, and making some effort. But a surprisingly large number of ones I know have privately admitted to me that they're recovering from relationship trauma visited upon them by their now ex girlfriends that's too horrible to explain.

Can we catch a fucking break?!

There are so many people who live every day awash with loneliness. And it's a loneliness that can't be solved with best friends or siblings or parents. It's the loneliness that comes with being single. With gathering dust while everyone around you is kissing, and having babies, and getting married.

I don't have the answer to this problem. But I think we could solve at least some of it by reminding ourselves that we should respect the people we want to love, and remember that we don't have to be perfect to be loved.