#I AM SCREAMING SO LOUD ABOUT THIS
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you little bitch. /J/J/J
HOW DARE YOU. paintbrush in season thtee makes me so sad leave them alone theyre going through so much
ALSO FISHB GIRLFRIEM she finds pretty rocks in the ocean and gives the.m to painty -💫
ahee hee giggle !!!!! (i am so depressed about season 3 paintbrush)
ALSO I REALLY WANTRD TO DRAW THAT OUM. THEYRE SO EVRYRHTING
#I AM SCREAMING SO LOUD ABOUT THIS#god forbid anyone asks me whay i am thinking about#because i will start talking about gay people for 20 hours#/SILLY HEHFHFJFHDH#ii lightbulb#ii paintbrush#ii fan#lightbrush#mm yes adding to the mountans of lightbrush drawings i have#pops collar#this makes up for all my silly lil goofs right#all is forgiven#:)#merbulb au
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Don’t mind me sprinting to try and get this thought in order before the Anime Expo panel. I need it to be out in the wild Just In Case.
So, a few of the Gung Ho Guns have gotten reworked for Stampede, yes? To varying degrees.
Ninelives is apparently not a horrific flesh mech, Dark Souls boss thing, according to the end credits of episode 3.
E.G. the Mine just got a HUGE upgrade and didn’t get owned 3 seconds after he showed up.
Monev was an actual character with a fubar backstory and emotional impact instead of just Some Guy who trained in a basement for years specifically to kill Vash. (and Orange is SO EVIL for this)
Elendira is. *gestures futilely* There is so much going on there but yeah. She’s going to be terrifying once she achieves adult body and loses (drops?) the childish attitude. Also because of the whole Plant hybrid thing her nails truly are literally infinite sooooo.
So I have some thoughts about Hoppered the Gauntlet.
In Trimax, Gauntlet’s narrative weight comes from the fact that he makes Vash remember, which by extension makes US, the reader, understand what July really meant. Before that we had heard mention of it a few times as ‘a city destroyed in a single night’ and talk of there being ‘no survivors’ but we had no actual connection to it, and also no real idea if that was even true. But in Stampede, we saw July happen. We were there. So even if Vash’s memory is still shot afterwards, and he doesn’t remember Lost July, we the audience DO. So having the Dragon’s nest play out exactly the same isn’t going to have the same narrative punch in the gut that it did in Trimax. It can’t.
There’s also the fact that, given how we’ve met most of the major players in the story, or had them mentioned at least (hi Milly), it feels kind of Odd™ that we haven’t seen someone has emotionally impactful as Gauntlet yet.
Unless we have.
We saw with Rollo/Monev that Orange is willing to have the person’s regular name be one thing and then have a second Eye of Michael code name. I suspect that is going to happen with Gauntlet; either because EoM or because he has decided on his own to lie about who he was.
And yes, I do in fact have someone in mind.
I checked myself the translation there is accurate; the only change I would make is calling the gun ‘gaudy’ instead of ‘shiny’ but that’s not a huge deal. Also for the record, the original tweet is from Jan. 11, well before he makes his reappearance for the season finale. So when it talks about a ‘reappearance’, it is talking about seeing him again in July. Original tweet here, tweet containing the translation here.
I think Chuck Lee is going to be our Gauntlet. That he made it just far enough out of the city to survive, but that he was badly maimed in the process, and that his family didn’t make it. He’s the ONLY member of the military police with a unique design. He has an actual name, and the director himself tweeted about his backstory. His gun is so unusual that we would recognize it anywhere. Hell, I referred to him as ‘the gold gun guy from episode one’ when one of my friends didn’t recognize him immediately. His gun is so incredibly recognizable. Almost like we need to be able to recognize him by that alone, when everything else about him has changed.
THIS could be how narrative weight for Gauntlet is established in the Stampede universe when it can’t be done the same way as in Trimax. Taking a character who has, in a way, also been with the audience ALL ALONG, who was there with us for two pivitol moments, the beginning and the awakening, but who comes at it from such a horrifically different angle and bringing him back in such an agonizing way. Because he was very much in the wrong with his stunt at Jeneora Rock, but his rage over the loss of his family in July would be justified, even if we know it wasn’t Vash’s fault.
(Also, the IRONY of him ending up as one of Knives’s lackeys when Knives is the one that caused all of this? Damn.)
Footnote: I have Thoughts on why they can get away with adding Milly to The Squad late. That is a whole other Thought but tldr; (and also I haven’t actually written it out) Milly is the most perceptive of all of them she doesn’t NEED an extended intro to Vash to Know.
#yelling about: trigun stampede#season 2 theory#posting this so I have proof if I'm somehow right#(I would scream) (so loud)#no one ask me how long I spent verifying that translation I am absolute trash at kanji (also I don't actually know)#trigun stampede#trigun#vash the stampede#hoppered the gauntlet#lost july#trigun stampede season 2#trigun stampede theory#gung ho guns#chuck lee#(I almost forgot him whoops. does he even have a tag lol)#please imagine me having this thought and sitting up like nosferatu#did I forget something? probably. oh well YEET
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i bet alot of my following arent even aware of how big of a mario fanatic ive been since forever. i had a Super Paper Mario lunchbag at 9 years old. i thought i was the coolest kid at school you wish you were me.
#icant remember the exact age i got into mario but i was surrounded by (and still am) huge nintendo fans so me getting into it was inevitable#however none of them rlly cared too much about the rpgs#i learned about them through me playing my brother's PiT file and Flipnote Hatena#I was enamored by Mr. L and fawful ❤️ they made me who i am today (goofy villain liker)#screams so loud#MARIO!!!! GAMES!!!!!!#Auuuu#i like maro🥹
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the thoughts this picture gives me are so insane that even tumblr has sent me an “are you okay” message
#WHEN I TELL YOU#THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO THIS PERFECT MAN#maximus can turn me into a traditional woman any day and i don’t even care#he is SO#he’s so BIG AND STRONG AND MANLY#like??? can you imagine if i was actually married to him???#every day i would be drowning in the overwhelming love and affection i have for him#he sits down in a chair like this for 2 seconds and i’m all over him#he would never get any peace#i am in his lap with my legs wrapped around him#just kissing every inch of his skin i can reach#and like???#his hands!!!!#they’re so!! big and strong and capable!!!!#i’m freaking out over how much of his thigh you can see in this picture#LET ME LICK IT I AM BEGGING YOU#no attempts at removing me from the premises today unfortunately#the horniness will not be suppressed#his ARMS#i’m doing him so good we leave permanent imprints on each other’s skin I SWEAR#i want him to just PIN ME TO THE WALL AND LET ME TOUCH HIM OR SMTH#he can take the tunic off and let me kiss every inch of his muscles until he’s all breathless and shivery#OR he can just leave it on literally i will take him any way he wants if#LET ME GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM#screaming about him so loud all my neighbors’ dogs wake up and think the end of the world has come#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe
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BLAST IT TO THE BACK ROW!!
#skye's doodles#AAUUH SCREAMS SO LOUD I HAD FUN WITH THIS ONE. i did a lot of experimentation n fucking around i really like how it came out <3#it would seem i am in my song lyric captions era. i am not immune to words and sounds that make me insane about the character <3#n boy am i insane. ray ray raaay my bestest friend ray he is so goddamn cool if i think about him too long i begin audibly wailing. raaay..#the promised neverland#tpn#yakusoku no neverland#tpn ray#fair warning ill probably rb this multiple times tomorrow becuase. its late and i am impatient and i really like this. yaaay <3
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i used to freehand comics all the time as a child and since the part i liked was the drawing part i would just draw panel after panel because i didn't want to stop drawing to think about icky icky words, plus the story TOTALLY still made perfect sense! to me! and noone else, but 'whoooo caaaaares omgggg its not like comics and sequantial art are a communicative meeediummmm lmaoooooo'. i spent my entire childhood telling myself stuff like "oh pfft I know this story by heart- ill SIMPLY remember the dialogue and write it later" ...and. I can't help but admire baby maiora's (call that a minora ba tm tsk) fucking audacity? hubris? confident wrongness? kid couldn't even remember to finish the comics in the first place? INCREDIBLE levels of unearned self assurance, wish that were me, genuinely- what an icon!!! anyway i think i have forever cursed myself
#maiora garrulates#the maiora overthinks the process of writing dialogue saga continues!!!!!!!#im so tired. i have been overthinking this shit in circles i have not been making any progress in any which way lmao!#im bitching and moaning for funsies this is not that serious in the Grand Scheme Of Things i just wanna improve at my fav thing#and ❤️ Unfortunately ❤️ my favorite thing in the world involves learning MY MOST HATED *NEMESIS*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! verbal communication. ew#words are fun! i LOVE words! toys!!!!! im using words right now and i didn't combust!!!!! wow look at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#putting words in SEQUENCE? multiple times?? filtering THOUGHTS into SENTENCES???? sentences that a character would or wouldn't SAY???#AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER SOMETIMES???? AND THAT BITCH ALSO HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS????? AND THEY ALL HAVE PERSONAL IDIOLECTS#AND TONES THAT S U P P O S E D L Y ARE IMPLICATED BY MANNERISMS AND VERBAL HABITS AND CIRCUMSTANCES (AND THERE'S WRONG ANSWERS! ALSO!!)#AND THEY'RE IN A CONTEXT!! AND THEY'RE INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER AND INFLUENCING EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE CONVERSATION COULD VARY GIVEN ENERGY LEVELS WHETER OR NOT SOMEONE'S FOOT IS FALLING ASLEEP THE F U C K I N G WEATHER#“oh dialogue is easy just say it out loud to yourself until it 'sounds normal' ^^”#screaming crying throwing up NONE OF THIS IS INTUITIVE TO MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!#ok dramatics over its out of my system! for now!!!#this is all easily explained bc i just. draw a lot more than i talk to people. so like. OBVIOUSLY i have more practice drawing#so drawing comes natural! talking does not! subsequently dialogue is Hard! No FUCKING Shit Sherlock!!!!! (affectionate)#so yeah. im using y'all (the tumblr void) as practice! hi!!! words at you!!!!!!!!!!#so yeah thanks for baring with me while passing by my corner of the internet#i do love self indulgence this is fun check out my navel gazing actually no do not look at my belly button#anyway i just think this is mildly interesting. some of my writer buds have the same “not good enough” allergy towards visuals#but they use it to be mean2me >:( same bitch that “omg i cant i suck at drawing i can't do this-” does the “uhm. just write? lol.” 2 meeee#we could have peace and love on planet earth and a common experience and yet you KICK miette for being bad at words!!!1!!! </3 heartbreak!!#what the fuck was i talking about even#oh yeah. perfectionism within creatives i guess. LMAO JK i am talking about NOTHIN!!!!G i am just putting Words Out Here ehehehehehe#its practice >;)c#all this bc ive been doodling comics for myself again and im V!! PROUD OF THE ART!!!! wanna share- but DIALOGUE!*⚡sfx!!*....... so! options#a) leaving it blank. no there are NO microphones in the budget. b) leaving blank *balloons* so that the Rythm is there. implied convo!!!#c) ...doing it badly. (tragic)(heartwrenching)(teeny tiny bruise 2 the ego) *dramatic single tear cleches fists * its the only way.........#...we shall see! literally none of this is all that serious i am procrastinating!! <3 playing with my tuoys!!!!!!!! silly time!!!#/all lh! am reaching 30 tags so that is all for THIS episode of the maiora bitches about dialogue saga thank you for joining me!!okilyBuhBY
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oh freckle, freckle⠁.. what makes you so s p e c i a l?
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH#IM SORRY THIS SONG DOES SO MANY BAD THINGS TO ME#other than the metal style cover / weezers sweet dreams r made of these / poppunk dancing queen this is THERMBADBIHTHEMESONG#THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS IS THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SONG BITCH#like OH FRECKLE FRECKLE WHAT MAKES U SO SPECIAL#HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO#MY HEARTS IN HEAVEN MY SOLES ARE HEEEEEELLLLL LETS ME IN THE PURAGATORY OF MY HIPPPPPPPPPPPPPS#AND GET WELL ;)))))))#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HYYYYYYYHHHH BITCH#I KNOW THIS WAS A SPICY GREENHOUSE MAKEOUT SONG I AM SCREAMING VERY LOUD IN MY HEAD RN#*jerseykyle vc* i'm gonna ( leave you ) I'm Gonna TEACH you#HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL NOOOOOO#IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII KNOOOOOOOOOOOO IT WAS GOING *NEW PERSPECTIVE VC* DOOOOOOOOWN DOWN DOooOOWWN#ALSO WAITER ARTIST MODEL SINGER IS LITERALLY CDS WHOLE EXPERIENCE TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS#SPECIFICALLY RAVENSTAN GOING FROM WAITERING AT CHEFS RESTURANT TO COCKTAIL WAITERING AT RUFFIANS#MAKING MUSIC ON THE SIDE AND BASICALLY BEING A SOLD OUT TO THAT WHOLE CLUB AND BEING PUNK ROCK#~SUPERMODELITBOY~ AND ET TENS WHOLE BRAND AND HIS LIL PLAYTHING AND BEING A SINGER BUT...GOD...WAS IT WORTH IT????? WAS. IT. WORTH. IT.#DONT TALK TO ME HIS ENTIRE CHARACTER ARC MAKES ME MISERABLE HE JUST WANTED TO SING#AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! YOURE RAVEN YOURE NO ONES DAUGHTER MIDNIGHT SUN BUT YOUR WINGS ARE STILL CLIPPED; YOU CANT FLY#YOU SING BUT IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS! COVER BOY ON THE PAGE! A PACIFIST AND ALL THE RAGE!! ALL THE WORLDS A STAGE#BUT GOLD OR NOT; AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS JUST A CAGE PRETTY BIRD - AND YOU BUILT IT YOURSELF BABY!!! YOU! BUILT! IT! YOURSELF! BARS BItcH#thats my son My Son mY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOON it also has such a sexcC nitelub jerseykyle back beat hEEEEELLLO#i could talk about this for such a long time i LOVE this song#*jk having going crazy but divine intervention on his bathroom floor after a bad stan episode and ed episode head on toliet vc*#MAMA? IF WE DONT TAKE THE MEDICATION...WE WONT SLEEP FOR DAYS? MAMA...IF WE PRAY TO THE LORD#DOES HE SING ON STAGE?????? oOOOOOOOOOOUGH IM SICK AND I KNOW HES SEEING STARS AND SMILES AND PRETTY EYES AND UGLY LAUGHES#AND A BOY HE HASNT SEEN IN YEARS BUT HE SEES EVERYDAY OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH IM SICK#I WANT TO BE GOLDEN IN YOUR MEMORY!!!!!!!! SIIIIIIIICK!!! SICK AND FUCKING TWISTED!!!!! SHUT UP AAAAAaAAAAaA#IM IN HELL jk swirling his drink trying to look uninterested *after party fb vc* watching rstan work the room like#oh freckle freckle what makes You so special? and then raven waves and winks at him and trips bc hes an idiot and jk is like AAAAAA SIIIIIC
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Staring down that weird feeling of feeling like too much or out of place or annoying if I say too much or say things too loud or too off-putting to be like- WANTED in any given social situation. To try so hard to socialize just to- idk. I’d very much like to stop defaulting to that scared kid that was pushed away or talked over until I got old enough and desperate enough to say any and every rapid fire thought that comes to mind. Like filling space when there’s dead air then wondering if maybe I did the Too Much™️ thing again and A. Scared everyone away or B. Pushed everyone away so it would hurt less when they leave BC of A.
Of feeling like I need to be useful or smart or talented or pretty or SOMETHING worthwhile so people want me around. I can just be but then it’s like just being has never been enough for anyone to like- stay. Or care. Running is always a mistake bc it’s like riiiight.. no one noticed you ran, babe. You’re not even at the top of their list people to want around. And just feel so low about it that I talk myself into feeling miserable again.
I’m happy, ive been so much happier lately and i dont take it for granted bc it’s so rare that things go okay or that there’s a sense of peace for a moment. I’m creating again and im less hard on myself about it. I have hobbies again, I’m making friends. And still I’m like seeing the other foot start to drop in real time bc it’s like. You’re in, but are you? That constant nagging voice that sounds so much like my own going “lonely again? Good you deserve it”
#me: there’s time..#also me: THERES NO TIME#now see the thing they don’t tell you about taking lexapro is that you’ll have the motivation and energy to reinvest in hobbies when you’ve#been in depression hell for so long#also thank god it makes the excessive worry thoughts thiiiiiis loud 👌#like nooo babe there’s time#there’s always time if I’m okay with the crushing feeling of splitting my attention TOO much that I don’t connect with either fandom#that’s spooky#shaking and screaming like ‘don’t look at the notes it doesn’t matter’#and it truly doesn’t#sigh#I just keep coming back to that Brennan/hank green clip#where Brennan is talking about feeling like you just /dont/ belong even tho u did commit to trying you’ll always have that scared little#kid at the back of your mind with no friends reconfirming that no one likes you#I don’t know..#in theory people like me#but /i/ can never be normal about it#and I keep like.. I dunno#it’s tough spending your whole life never being the one people seek out#never the one that people WANT to hear talk#constantly feeling like too much and wondering if I should pull back#for people to get weirded out when I pull back#it’s exhausting#and it’s lonely#and even after 24 years I’m still the same insecure kid talking in the group chat while everyone else is silent#like am I too much am I too desperate#even like talking to my mom- who’s opinion of me truly doesn’t matter anymore just constantly interrupt me or talk over me#or ignore me so I’m repeating myself over and over just to give up#personal#fuck
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#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags#cw personal#once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says#THEY don't#they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated#like will she take my insurance or not who's right here#anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now#why the hell is this so hard man#the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain#once again no one knows what they're talking about#like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds#and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover#*contracted#not retyping all of that#and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim#and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart#and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH#like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles#the bureaucracy is INSANE#i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second#and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH#literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times#like not on the phone after I hung up obvs
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Fun fact about me. When I was staring at and studying the art Partycoffin/Clown did of Wally to get an idea on how I wanted to draw him, I made a specific mental note that Wally's hair looked like "A weird squishy alien creature just sitting on his head."
And that's what I kept in mind literally any time I've drawn him.
#text post#just rambling#thoughts at 1am dont mind me#I was drawing him again and literally out loud was like “Needs to look more like a squishy alien creature.”#and thus I ran here to share this stupid thought of mine#LOOK I adore Wally to BITS but his hair is so silly in my brain#Most of the art that looks like this is like the older sketches of him I admit#Most of his official site art doesn't really scream weird squishy alien#and yet here I am. STILL thinking about it when I draw him#like a weirdo.#random side note; I saw someone slap an eye on his hair in some au I'll never remember#But I DO remember seeing that image and thinking “OMG now it looks MORE like a squishy alien!”
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If watching true crime has taught me anything; it’s that the criminal justice system very often does jack shit about obvious cases of child abuse, and only takes it seriously after the parents kill the child.
#It’s disgusting how literally dozens of people all living in the same apartment complex can all make the same reports#about the same apartment for the same reason (extremely loud sounds of child abuse)#and neighbors can even make RECORDINGS OF THE CHILD’S AGONIZED SCREAMING to give to the cops#only for the bastards to take one sweeping glance at the apartment and go “welp… looks fine to me!”#death tw#child abuse tw#For the record: I’m specifically interested in crimes against children because I work with kids#When I am at work; I view them as my own babies#I’m extremely protective of them; so I want to know how bystanders and the system failed other kids so I don’t make the same mistakes#I want to know what abuse looks like from every angle conceivable to mankind#I want to be prepared to Handle Shit if I have to.#Which is why I’m constantly vigilant not only about the kids in the playground; but also the area outside the playground#Every few minutes I do a visual sweep of the area outside the fence to make sure no one’s there#If I see someone; I watch them like a hawk and make it clear with my body language that I am watching them just as much as the kids#even if they’re not that close to the fence
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whoever sent masteraqua the ask about the panopticon, I kiss you. I think it’s just soooo interesting to think about!!
KHML will hopefully explain the Tear in Time and Union X scene in KH3. I say this because it makes sense to give ML flashbacks of Ephemer’s life (since the game’s about his descendants) and therefore might explain why he appeared in KH3.
If it does explain the Tear, then one of KHML’s main story goals will be about escaping from the MoM’s eye. The Tear in Time’s whole purpose was to revert the Book of Prophecy’s final passage. And obviously, its the eye that’s responsible for the Book.
So teasing with a building that’s whole purpose is to keep an eye on prisoners to make them behave and obey like !!!! Wow it just really sets the stage for what people in KHML think of the Master of Masters after all. It’s so ominous and really sets a desperate tone for trying to escape the MoM’s sight.
#thoughts#khml#FUCK I am excited for this game#I’m dreading episodic releases because they make theorizing so annoying hsjhdjdhdj#but god… I really really hope this game covers what I actually hope it will cover#especially because dark road barely explained ANYTHING about Young Xehanort LMAO#If that happens again with this game I’m screaming so loud I’ll make international news
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everyone in my school loves to scream as louyd as they can on purpose to hurt me just because they can
#I'm lying if it isn't clear#but god fuck does it feel like this sometimes#my heart is beating so fast and I feel so sick some girl decided to just start screaming as loud as possible for some reason#it was. excited screams but it was so loud it was so so loud and I immediately flinched and grabbed my head and started breathing hard#its so Painful its like someone is scratching me or scaring me withreally frightening stuff#I fucking hate being autistic sometimes man#OKAY TO REBLOG BY THE WAY. if you have felt like this#listen to my gibberish boy#they all turned to look at me too I saw out of the corner of my eye#its so upsetting here they changed the rules so that the only quiet classroom is now the designated eating spot#for 25+ people#its a small classroom#its really really bad and the school isn't fixing it or doing anything about it and every day is hell because#lunch and break are the only times I can recover from class#and now I Don't Have That#I am on the edge of breaking the fuck down I hate this#my brain is WEVIL#<- meant to say evil but wevil is funnier. my brain is WEEVIL you guys. bug
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what if I scrap my current research ideas and instead to a linguistic study of the French profanity I hear while my housemate gets extremely angry at video games
#at least i assume that's what happening#idk what else he'd be screaming about#man i cannot wait for this dude to move out#he's nice enough but good fucking lord he's loud#there's only so much gaming rage and french hip hop i can withstand before i get tired#he moves out at the end of the semester and i am looking forward to it
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everything is falling apart but i'm kept alive rn by the thought of getting to organise jewellery tonight
#ordered a craft box and i've been so autistic about it#brother is bringing my package when he gets back from mum's today#because i'm not strong enough to talk to her RIP#and i'm leaving in 2 days so i really should do that#see what she has to say for herself#i know i'm going to hear all the shitty things my dad has done too#am aware they exist and very VERY aware of what some of those things are#and maybe i'm a stupid child who's never had enough experience of life to understand any of this#(definitely)#but she cheated. on a husband of 30 years#to the point of going on holiday with the other man#whilst lying to us about where she was going#at that point her health was bad and driving made it worse#i was so worried every time she left#but she didn't stop#and now i know it's because of an affair ?? helloooooo#i really need to stop typing all of this out in tumblr posts but i think it helps? idk#it's like talking out loud to process this insane thing that i'm struggling to imagine my mother capable of#what if i actually said this out loud jdndkdjdkdnj i would scream i think#ANYWAYYYY#genuinely buzzing to sort and categorize#got to split it into silver and gold then different piercings then different jewellery types#'you dont need 36 sections in this box' actually i do
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I just want to be allowed to scream at my sister the way she screams at me. I want to be allowed to slam doors and throw things and break things. I want to be allowed to react to the way she treats us and not be called selfish.
#hot fucking take but I don’t really see much dialogue on how fucking traumatizing it can be to live with an autistic person#whose autism outwardly manifests the most behaviorally#her not being able to help being dysregulated does not negate how fucking scary it is#to be on the receiving end of that behavior#and to be conditioned for your entire life that you’re bad if you react in any way#this is less about neurodivergence than it is about my fucking mother#especially because I’m likely on the spectrum as well#but if someone that wasn’t autistic did those same things it would be considered an abusive environment#I’m not saying that my sister is abusive#but I am saying that it is so incredibly emotionally damaging to live in this house#any harm done to me by the screaming and throwing and breaking things is not even allowed to be considered#because she ‘can’t help herself’#and the quotes there are again less about neurodivergence than my mother#because my sister actually has really solid coping skills… when my mother is not involved#my mother will make excuses and enables her in a way that is so frustrating#my sister would actually do much better if she were living in a dorm/group home like she previously was#but that costs a lot of money#and so she lives here with my enabling permissive mother#and is more dysregulated than she has been in YEARS#because so many of the skills and coping tools she learned at her resident program#she has completely stopped utilizing because she doesn’t have to#because instead of trying to work through it my mother will make excuses for her#so instead of trying to work through it she screams so loud my ears ring#and slams doors so hard they break#and throws things in a way that makes me scared she’s going to hurt one of us#but if I display any reaction to what in any other circumstance would be recognized as a frightening and harmful situation#I’m making things worse and I’m being selfish#I’m like. fine. in the way that I’ve had to be my whole life.#which is mostly dissociating and spending as little time home as possible#but every time it happens it makes me wish I was not alive
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