#I AM JOURNALLING EVERY DAY

[the---hermit]

A collection of my favourite pictures I took

06|12|2024

Spent the whole morning exploring museums with my best uni buddy. We walked around the palace and museum for over three hours, ended up sitting in the middle of the ball room floor to discuss the painting on the ceiling, trying to distinguish all the mythological figures and deities we could recognise. It was so healing to spend all that time together, I really needed it. We then ended our adventures by warming up with a bowl of ramen, and despite me having a couple of bureaucratical duties in the afternoon, it was a great day.

[goldkirk]

i haven't been this not okay in over a year and i do not miss it and i do not want it

[blackbackedjackal]

It breaks my heart when people are scared of Blue she is literally the nicest dog I've ever met 😭

[thelastspeecher]

my food diary to keep track of what particular foods cause me distress is more scientific than Stanford Pines' Journals

[3416]

as a chronically depressed person, i know saying i'm going to kill myself in reaction to minor things that shouldn't affect my life as much as they do is like. not a helpful thing at all and yet. sometimes it's the only–––

[treebloods]

I don't think labor is for me

[yuukimiyas]

⸜(* ॑꒳ ॑* )⸝ hello bbys!! & happy tgiving!! i hope you all know how much you mean to me & i am so thankful every single day that i have a chance to interact w some of earths finest ppl ‪( ⸝⸝⸝ᵒ̴̶̷ωᵒ̴̶̷⸝⸝⸝)‬ you guys make my time on this big space rock rlly just…the v best!! & i hope you all never forget that!! <33 ily ily ILY!! now everyone get your plates ready bc im makin my rounds w tons of yummy food!! ෆ ෆ ෆ⸒⸒⸜( ˶'ᵕ'˶)⸝ MWAH!!

[heavensickness]

I have been so sensitive these days

[whisperofthewaves]

what the fuck were those dreams tonight.

did you know, apparently if you wave your train ticket around to check the time and date on it, a train on tracks materialises out of nowhere and takes you and a piece of the room you happen to be in and pulls you with it as one of the wagons.

and then you end up in a town 40mins by car away from your home bc that was the 1st stop the train had on it's route and there's a big local harvest/something festival going on but you just want to find your way back bc you arrived here with not even shoes on your feet bc the train pulled you when you were preparing for a fucking shower.

[foxgloveinspace]

I mean this in the nicest way possible: I wish I was a better friend.

[the---hermit]

14|04|2024

Enjoying the sun on the couch on our balcony. Taking walks in nature every other day. Starting our yearly lotr rewatch with my brother and finally spending some quality time together after months. Reading late at night. Sipping jasmine green tea and falling in love with that blend again. Laughing at the descent into madness of my friend who I conviced to read the locked tomb and rereading it myself. Picking back up my bujo after months to set up what I will need once I'll get back into my study routine next week. Seeing how much my lavender plants are growing from day to day. Just a few things of the last little while.

I will be back posting much more frequently since tomorrow marks my going back to uni after taking a break to recover from burn out. I am feeling much better. I am not sure I am 100% recovered but I am determined to make this work while not overworking myself. The class I am starting tomorrow is exciting since it's a seminar with a professor I know and really like. As usual when my routine has to change I am feeling nervous and a bit anxious but I am doing my best to enjoy my last rest day and focus on things one step at the time.

📖: Nona The Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

[goldkirk]

.

[thebirdandhersong]

on the bright side:

I'm almost done studying for one of my November midterms, thank God!

my friend introduced me to Penny and Sparrow and I've been listening to them a lot today

am holding Wendy Cope's "The Orange" like an orange in my cardigan pocket

just started Frederick Buechner's Telling the Truth and it is BRILLIANT, my friends

listened to the Field Guide and Lizzy McAlpine cover of Coldplay's Yellow today and I am simply... obsessed

people are trickling back into the dorm after reading week and it is so good to hear more laughter around the table!!

I think efforts toward community cultivating have been super successful, thanks be to God. I set up a prayer wall and people are actually using it! We continue to do Sunday night worship and nightly psalm readings! People are actually taking advantage of the open invitation to come by for tea and a cookie and a chat, which I have been WAITING since last year to happen!

came back from Hadestown on Friday even more convinced that no love is ever wasted, and that was a huge comfort to me.

[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[algolagniaa]

can tell I’m getting too old for tumblr bc I have increasingly less patience for people with untreated OCD and less life experience than me obsessively rules lawyering morality questions that affect my actual real life but are clearly only theoretical for them

[teethpaste]

It’s so weird how the body will try and protect you like. I am incapable of feeling grief right now. I know it will hit me like a fucking Mac truck in about a month

When I was here in Ireland in July thinking my grandma had days to live, because the doctors told us so, and urged everyone stateside to drop what they were doing and come to Ireland for goodbyes, I was torn up. I was the first one here because I was already in Dublin on business and luckily my job just let me work from Ireland for about 2 months. So that happened. But then she got palliative chemo, and somehow here she is, 5 months later, against the odds in stage 4 lung cancer. I can tell she is so tired. I feel like she was holding on for this holiday and that as soon as I leave Ireland come December 29, it’s going to happen quickly. Which I hate to even write into existence, but sometimes, you just feel it.

And I hope it doesn’t. But I also don’t want her to be in pain. Chemo ravages the body. Her last treatment was over a month ago but the cancer has spread through her whole body and it is wearing her down. She went from still bartending at 77 and going out with her friends weekly + walking the 2 mile trek into town everyday, to finding out she a tumor overtaking her right lung (completely collapsed at this point) from years of smoking. I was sitting with her at the table the other night before I went to the pub, painting her nails, and she asked “can we talk about something morbid”

Things hardly feel morbid these days. So I tell her yes, of course. I feel like I have this desensitized view around death now. Or I’m numb to it. Like my body remembers watching my dad die and is like HEY ITS FINE, don’t be sad in the moment. Because you can’t be. You have things to do. Then you can cave in on yourself.

Anyways, when I told her sure we can, she then got embarasssd and I had to beg a little for her to tell me . She then says “right. Because I know you’ll have the energy to handle”. She just tells me how she wants to be presented for her wake. No makeup, but make sure her eyebrows are done. Hair with a bandana. Jean shirt. Nails painted. Cowboy boots on that she never got to wear in Vegas this year. She starts telling me about where jewelry is and what she wants in a service. I listen and file it away.

I still think I’m stuck on “because you’ll have the energy to handle”. I think about when my dad died, my mom and sister were inconsolable. About how it happened so quickly and we as humans make it very complicated. Do you know how hard it is to transfer a body across state lines? The hospital doesn’t tell you what to do. I had to google so many funeral homes that morning. I think about those people too. The sanitized nature of conversations. The first place I called didnt say any niceties. They immediately went to prices so I hung up. Second place was more of the same and the third place asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to share anything about him. So I went with them. My dad didn’t leave a will so I had to pull the trigger on weather to cremate or bury. I went with the former and was sick for months thinking I made the wrong choice but one day a few months ago my mom found a random letter he wrote, tossed behind his living room chair, where he noted cremation was a better option bc of the $ and finally that guilt left me.

Did you know that when you list you’re an organ donor on your license, they have to call the family? And when they call, there is light elevator music playing in the background, and mere hours after your person dies, a woman with a nasally voice will calmly ask, “May we take his skin and eyes?” I felt like I was in a cronenberg movie. I remember being so shocked at the matter of factness of the question. Being disturbed but thankful neither my mom or sister were doing this part. I remember saying “why would you want that, do you know how he died? How are those parts even usable” and she paused . And “hmm’d” and as she began to speak I said “no we won’t be donating”.

Anyways. I’m trying to be present while I’m here in Ireland for the holidays. I want to cry but I can’t. This is the last time Christmas will feel like Christmas. I’ve never much liked the holiday. But after my dad died I’ve hated thanksgiving and Christmas even more. Being with my grandma here in Ireland makes it feel like that “magic” is still there a little. But I know it will be completely gone by this time next year and I hate that.

I also worry bout my mom and how she’s taking it. She lost her dad in 2023, her husband in 2024 and now her mom’s dying. That’s how it goes I guess. I stayed in tonight but she went out to the pubs with her friends and came home absolutely trashed. She made it up the stairs before I heard her start violently vomiting. It’s always strange when you switch places with your folks. I took off her clothes and got her changed into Pjs. Brought her water and crackers. She laid with her head in my lap as I stared at the wall. Being around this kind of stuff always makes me wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. Like the fact that when I’m her age, and my grandmas age, I’ll effectively be alone. Like yes there are friends etc but I won’t have children or grand children. Just makes me feel weird.

Anyways now it’s 6 in the morning and I’m going on a run in the 22 degree morning air. Bye bye.