#I AM //LOOKING//
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so, hastiness of the sex and the literal and figurative distance that follows aside, something was really bugging me about the morning after. i couldn’t put my finger on it for a while, but now that i’ve sat with things, i think it’s finally clicked in my head:
stede’s reactions to ed’s sweetness. or lack thereof, really.
because goodness, they just slept together. they just bared body and soul to each other. they just survived a dangerous situation and made it to see the sun rise once again. they’ve been through so much, and faced so much adversity.
and despite all they’ve been through, ed is kind. ed is thoughtful, and soft, and sweet. he brings stede breakfast in bed. he tries to make it as pretty as he can. and then weaves beautiful gratitude and admiration in the form of his goldfish tale.
something that should make anyone sigh with fondness, really. something that make eyes flutter with hearts to match.
…and yet.
and yet stede reacts almost…casually to it all. not glittery how he was at the end of episode 5, for example—so warm and so bright and so very clearly in love. it all felt a bit more…stunted? reserved? unnecessarily curt?
and upon sitting with it as i said, i have two lines of thought, two theories.
one, it’s a sort of look into the heightening poison in his system, the good ol’ villain that is toxic masculinity. he feels the need to perform around ed, to be a man worthy of his love. he feels the need to be more than just “adequate,” more than just an “amateur.” and so he feels the need to be more masculine as a result. he’s not quite at his peak of course, not quite in the absolute thick of it—he still has moments closer to himself throughout the day. but the more poisonous seeds have been planted.
and what does that sort of masculinity often lead to? reserved emotions. stunted reactions. you’re not allowed to show vulnerability, or softness, or anything of the sort; you’re expected to be just a wall of strength and flat composure.
which, also, would align with the show: ed actively tries to combat that mentality in the morning. he straight up tells stede that the man who saved him was a fantastic, orange, sparkly mermaid. not some swashbuckling hero. not some colder, mysterious, more reserved man. but a beautiful, soft, dazzling goldfish.
and stede sort of just shrugs it off—turns it into a “well i hope we’ll both get through the violence” as opposed to realizing that ed is complimenting his true character.
but that brings me to my second theory: maybe stede reacts the way he does simply because…he’s never been loved like that before. he doesn’t know what to do with it. he’s never been brought breakfast in bed before, and now there ed goes doing so for him.
he seems to be fine when he's the one in the driver's seat. like, he's very romantic when he's dealing out the romance. but the second it's turned back on him, he can't seem to conceptualize it, even when it's coming from a man he knows he's in love with. like, ed complimenting his shirt led to a more incredulous reaction. ed saying that stede wears fine things well also led to a more incredulous reaction. and like...
"then you shaved your beard off...for me?"
he just can't grasp it. he can't grasp something so new and foreign to him quite yet. and it's of course also wrapped up in a lot of self-worth issues, because how can anyone love him when he really doesn't love himself (which i think is also the same for ed. help them. HELP THEM)
you just...can't catch a fish unless the fish wants to be caught.
#OFMD#OFMD Season 2#OFMD S2 Spoilers#Stede Bonnet#Gentlebeard#Blackbonnet#Edward Teach#Revenge Rambles#morning lol MORNING#THIS IS A LOOOONG ONE#and maybe a little disjointed please excuse#but like lol man#MAN#I AM //LOOKING//#these two really have so SO much to work through huh#continuing to light the candles for a season 3 manifestation as we speak because goodness gracious
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you! tumblr user!
#peach rambles#hall of fame i guess#why does this one have more notes than the other one?#also yes i am as shocked as you all are that this whole time he wasn’t standing upright and looking up at the camera LOL
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yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
#🧻 sharts#gravity falls#dipper pines#mabel pines#smokes a fat blunt. knocked this one out inbetween hw ive had this sketch laying around for AGES#edit: to the people pointing out they arent holding a bass#i am so sorry#LMFAOOO i used a free model online as a reference and figured electric guitars & basses looked similar#i dont play either of those instruments so …. my apologies ..
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t-...to-...toasty s'more mushrooms.....
#i am an orphan by the bakery window#also ma he's weaving again#amaury guichon#mushroom#mushrooms#and @anyone looking to chime in with another “um akshully ☝️🤓” in the notes; it's the -TOP PART- of the mushroom that's made of marshmallow
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>Join a union
>Hear people constantly complaining that the current union leadership is super corrupt, it's all just the same ten guys making all the decisions in secret and nobody else in the union ever gets to know what's going on
>Go to the monthly union meetings that are completely open to all 1200 union members
>The only attendees are the same ten guys every month, giving detailed reports about everything that's going on
#anyway this is why i'm the way i am about politics and people who advocate against 'participating in the system'#i am on my way to becoming one of the ten guys and frankly? it's fucking exhausting#i chatted with the union president afterwards and he got this haunted look in his eye#and was like 'i'm glad to see you getting involved but remember you can say no. you can always say no.#don't let anyone bully you into doing more than you want to. make time for yourself. YOU CAN SAY NO.'#which was good and much appreciated advice! but also. ominous
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"Lesbian Weddings" by Wendy Jill York
source: The Femme Mystique, edited by Lesléa Newman
#lesbian literature#lesbian#dyke#thatbutcharchivist#archived#lesbian books#lesbian history#lesbian photography#black lesbian#black femme lesbian#black femme#black butch lesbian#black butch#stud lesbian#i pray i am using the term stud appropriately here#will edit if not#author: lesléa newman#year: 1995#publisher: alyson publications inc.#the femme mystique#photographer: wendy jill york#black lesbian couple#black couple#the gal on the left looks a little like my sister tsega ... i miss her so much 😭😭😭#femme4butch#femme4stud#butch4femme#stud4femme#femme#butch
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can you believe that we have fanfiction. that we have websites dedicated to fanfiction. that there is a place that you can go and read tens, hundreds, thousands and thousands of pieces of writing that strangers have made. people who are not "writers". people who come home at the end of the day and have feelings and say, i am going to put that into words. i am going to share those words. short, long, sweet, sad, horny, funny, wonderful words. we are all just human and we all love to make and remake and share that with others. can you believe that.
#ao3#archive of our own#fanfiction#sometimes i can't even believe how much i myself have written. like i think i am not a writer. i am not doing enough. i do not write enough#and i look back and i have 34 (34!!) works on ao3 and reams of unpublished work on my computer and so long left to live. so i think#we will be okay.#writing
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i think mabel somehow finds a picture of stan and ford's prom outfits and goes ham recreating the suits for her and dipper's prom
#gravity falls#gf#dipper pines#mabel pines#standford pines#stanley pines#i actually hyperfixated on gf two years ago and tried to execute this concept then#but couldn't get it to look the way i wanted#and here i am two years later#hyperfixated again#and finally finishing this drawing#funny how things work out
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Imagine spending all your energy being cool and mysterious 24/7.
What an idiot have I mentioned I love him?
Idea came from a cool post @nouverx made about Alastor’s possible sleeping habits. 💕
#grey art#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel fanart#hazbin hotel comic#Oh I am DONE coloring stuff for a while! it’s so boring!#I mean it looks great but I haaaaaate spending time on it!#get used to grayscale stuff for a while#also coloring multiple characters is stupid! no no no.#angel dust#husker#sir pentious#alastor#charlie morningstar#hazbin husker#hazbin alastor#god I’m glad to be done with this one
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HER BRAIN
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couldnt draw my thang for mid-autumn so treated myself to a calne redesign instead
#calne ca#hatsune miku#VOCALOID#cw: body horror#<- And I Fucking Mean That We Are Not Fucking Around Today#well we are. as in I drew this as a fuckaround treat for myself#but the body horror tag is the most warranted its ever been on this blog#ask to tag#I am as ever on my journey to make calne ca Worse. her OG version is too cool. even the crab ver is too cool#I need her to be worse to look at. I am also getting myself into to mood to test my hand at boarding a pmv for my friend's cover#I think my thought for this was ''I should try and give her a more insectoid bodyplan''#which in this mostly means gently three-part body and six limbs (my favourite amount of limbs to draw rn)#actually almost gave her eight but didnt like how that silhouette came out so I mermaided her uh. abdomen I guess#though maybe next time I do this I should push that idea more. the head and torso are still very distinct for one unified part#I feel like one of my old attempts was onto something with like. a more horizontal body plan... well! live and learn etc#happy late mid autumn I guess. I should play with touys about it... I miss model kits. mayhaps...
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#dandadan#dandadanedit#anime#anime gif#animeedit#artsgifs#dandadan spoilers#tw eyestrain#i am so sorry but this really looks like a meme to me XD#memes
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if you opened discord’s april fools day loot boxes how long did it take you to get all the items? it took my friend 18 boxes but me 65 and i want to see how bad my luck is
#not pjo#chitter chatter#sixty five is too many but I wanna know how much a clown I am vs everyone else#polls#discord#for anyone looking at the tags: yes that first one is wrong#you have to open 9 boxes at least#but you cannot edit polls and here we are#100#1000#🧍
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post-graduation trip airport looks
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#fushiguro megumi#nobara kugisaki#itafushikugi#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jujutsu kaisen fanart#these took ages but fr once i am choosing to forgive myself given th fact tht i was coming out of A State when i drew them#im normal now dw drawing the first years wearing merch of my comfort content fixed me#when in doubt play dress up. life hack#i am holding fast 2 my hc tht megumi is a fiend @ indie platformers and is a household name on the celeste speedrun leaderboards#argue with a wall this is my jujutsu kaisen#megumi designated Drink Runner also#alr in line at a cafe texts their gc 'what do you guys want' n gets mad @ nobara fr making him go to a Second shop 2 get her bubble tea#anyway theres not much 2 say abt these just bc i needed sth Light n Easy 2 get me out of my head#no lore to fashion pieces which is both a blessing and a curse but it Is what i needed#nobara serving looks fr a flight i love u so much. it's probably 8 in the morning n she is in a fully coordinated fit#its so criminal tht we don't have more alt hairstyle official art fr her???? iirc it's Just the lost in paradise mv with her in buns no????#robbed. i am fixing it immediately.#wonder where the 3 of them wld go on a trip
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Not to sound like a person who actually cares about children, but it's so alarming that there's this tendency and trend of not telling kids about their medical conditions that are in their charts.
I'm finding out as an adult that they (though it's not documented who) diagnosed me with a life-long, chronic condition without telling me when I was a teenager. I found out recently when I got curious about my medical charts, and otherwise, I would not have known what's wrong with me. I've been left with more questions than answers, and I feel like a private investigator investigating my own damn health and life.
Is this medical malpractice? Yes. However, I think it also speaks to a broader point of how children are seen to not be entitled to their own lives in any capacity, to the point where they are (intentionally or not) made ignorant about things that are or will affect them.
#youth liberation#politics#it is looking like i may indeed have this condition and it was diagnosed YEARS ago and wasn't treated. i am not too thrilled right now#i am honestly angry and devastated because my life was made SO much worse and i could have received HELP before it got bad
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I think we should have a turn of phrase for "I'm not in the right, but I AM annoyed with this situation, so I just need to go bitch to a friend about this before I suck it up and go do the right thing" because more and more I'm finding this is a critical element of functional adulthood.
#the person who's re-emailed me asking for help with something: yes I should get back to you. yes I will get back to you#but in the meantime I will look at the email like 'I am busy right now! I have deadlines! do not bother me about this unrelated thing!'#and like in 15 minutes when I'm ready to be an adult again I'll get back to them
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