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spencers-renaissance · 3 years ago

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you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

taglist : @criminalmindsvibez @moreidstrobed @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @physics-magic @sbeno22 @temily @enbyspencer @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids (add yourself to my taglist via this form!!)

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loquaciousquark · 4 years ago

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E113 (Oct. 27, 2020)

Good evening and good night, lovely people of the world! We’re on the internet and ready to go. Tonight’s guests are Travis Willingham and Sam Riegel. This will be calm, controlled, and sane, I can feel it. Brian points out it’s been seven months since either of them were on Talks. Oof. (Sam asks if it’s been going the whole time without him. Bigger oof.) Travis keeps sneaking bites out of an acai bowl or something and tries to look sneaky about it, and I laugh every time because he’s just...so big. He’s such a big person.

(Brian is wearing a lobstrosity shirt. He and Travis talk about Dark Tower for a bit; then Sam tries to get into the conversation: “Is that the thing from It?” Brian: “Is what the thing from It?” Sam: “Is that lobster the clown from It? I’m not very literate. Is that a Langolier? Is that a Shawshank?”)

Announcements: none! Maybe they just forgot. We’ve been talking about Sam’s spooky skeleton decorations for like five minutes. Brian suggests taking them to Travis’s house. Travis: “That’s the fastest way to get to the smell of burning plastic.” Brian: “Speaking of your girlfriend...”

On Avantika: Fjord wouldn’t call it a relationship as much as a casual sexual interaction. Not official! Super not official!!

The first sea voyage wasn’t great for Fjord, but he tried to be thoughtful about preparing for this one before they left: praying, kneeling at the bow of the ship, etc. He’s a little disappointed the Wildmother didn’t even throw him a “yo, fam” heads up.

They weren’t sure how to resolve the conflict at first, since Avantika went for Fjord rather than the crystal. No one expected it to get exposed in that way. Travis thought the necklace was a pocket dimension and was alarmed to learn it wasn’t. Travis wants it destroyed along with the third gateway, so until they are he won’t rest easy.

Everyone enjoyed watching them all fail on the battlefield again. (Sam: “You used [Counterspell] so effectively!”) Travis thought he’d said Thunder Step, which would imply Avantika was running, rather than Thunder Wave. Sam says it’s fine since none of them have that spell and he wouldn’t know it anyway.

It’s very difficult for Veth to find reasons to stay with the M9. She loves the adventures and making a difference, but she also wants to come home and have weekends and have a husband and life. “She’s a career girl!” He’s very excited about the possibilities of Caleb’s transportation effectively creating an easy commute for her. He also, as a player, doesn’t want to be the person who��s always leaving the party. “My characters wanna roam!”

Travis was fully tilted that Avantika might have gotten away right before the break. He doesn’t think he could have focused on Vess DeRogna’s task knowing Avantika had gotten away; he was seriously working out how Fjord would leave the party to go make a last stand at the third gate if she’d escaped.

Sam looooves how Matt plays Yeza, but it honestly makes him feel a little worse at how encouraging he is for Veth to chase her dreams. “He’s always like - go shine! Go blossom!” He wants to have the conversation about Yeza feeling a little ignored. It’s fun to share the tales of adventures with Luc & Yeza.

Travis says there’s no way it’s Molly--it’s all Lucien. They don’t know if it was a resurrection, if he’s undead, possessed, etc. Everyone--everyone--rags on Taliesin’s accent work. Brian surreptitiously claims Ashly was brought on to relieve him of the burden of the accent. Poor Ashly, ha!

Initially, Travis landed on the Oath of the Ancients, but it had more nature & pacifism in it than he felt fit Fjord very well. Many of them also had a focus on good & lawfulness, which also didn’t feel quite right; he also wasn’t that vengeful for some of the others. He & Matt got together and discussed options. Matt asked what Travis liked about Fjord; Fjord’s love for the ocean was a huge part of it, since Travis himself also loves the ocean & scuba diving, and so Matt created a custom oath for him. Travis does not plan to post its details, but he thinks Matt will at some point.

Cosplay of the Week! a lovely Scanlan by Air Bubbles Cosplay! Sam tells us the “canon” Scanlan cosplay was actually borrowed hodgepodge, and the boots were falling off all day.

It was really cool to see how Yeza & Luc have made a home in Nicodranas. Felderwin was okay, but kind of your basic D&D fishing village, and she likes the Nicodranas is much better. She’s confident & comfortable knowing her family is safe and sound.

Why is Fjord so interested in finding Sabian? To him, post-orphanage, his time with Vandren was the best of his life & the most love he’d ever received, because he mattered & had worth. It was taken by someone he’d known basically his whole life, so Fjord is not going to let that go. “That fuckin’ bill needs to be paid, my friend.”

Sam acknowledges that he should NOT have looked at his phone in re: the Vilya reveal, but it was pretty surprising! He can’t believe none of them recognized it! Travis points out the M9 had never met, heard of, or known anything about Vilya, so it’s not that surprising. Brian points out Matt has also done a really good job keeping the two campaigns separate, so any references were tasteful. Sam marvels that it was so well done: it was tasteful, had emotional and story impact... “That Matt. He’s getting better!”

Liam texted Sam back something like “oh SHIT.”

Knowing Veth had a chance to help someone else return to her child made Veth feel almost karmically forgiven for being away from her kid, but it also made Veth a little guilty--”this lady wants to desperately return home, shouldn’t I want to go home too?” Caleb’s teleportation spell couldn’t have come a better time.

Sam wants Caleb & Astrid to get back together (well, he says “hump each other”), and Dani’s eyebrows climb off her forehead. Veth/Nott really thinks Caleb needs to have a roll in ze hay, and feels like after meeting her that there is a kindness or vulnerability to her that could be worthwhile. Travis thinks she feels like someone tethered, that it feels like she has a bomb or something in her chest that’ll explode if she tries to leave. Sam thinks Eadwulf is super cool. None of these names are spelled like I think.

Travis found the dinner super frustrating, because he felt Caleb was trying to walk a diplomatic line and he just wanted to backhand Trent.

Fjord is still coming to terms with his feelings for Jester, and the feelings are definitely real, but there’s a lot of timing that he’s considering and he also wants to figure out what the relationship is like outside of constant tension and battle. Fjord is also having trouble figuring out how to exercise the ability to display affection as well since he’s never received them, and is feeling out how to give and receive them. “It’s fine now, because he’s feeling it, but once you say it out loud, or once you come to a point where you make it known to the other side, then what happens? It might be ruined. It might be broken. Or it might not be!” The moment with the porcelain unicorn was too good not to try. Travis also sighs that he’s not a romance D&D guy, “but now I am! Fuckin’ Laura Bailey!” He’s definitely feeling it out and will see how it unfolds in the game.

If Jester hadn’t let go of the Traveler, Fjord would have either attacked the Traveler or the Moonweaver and tried to kick them both off.

Sam doesn’t think the Traveler’s realized yet what a dick he is. Brian thinks it may not happen in this campaign, but agrees the full weight of what he deserves hasn’t been felt yet. Travis: “Yeah, he came to the edge, but it didn’t cost him anything.” Brian: “Yeah, he’s a real edgelord.”

Fanart of the Week! a beautiful portrait of Molly in the snow by @claygryphon on twitter.

Veth acknowledges that they work for shady people with shady pasts, so Vess DeRogna isn’t her first rodeo, but this time it’s personal. It’s Jaws 2: Electric Boogaloo. Sam can’t commit to actual actions, since Vess is like level 20 or something, but “I will get some kinda revenge. Be it petty or significant, I will get revenge.”

How are they feeling about being in Eiselcross? They’ve only just landed, so not sure yet. The cold is intimidating. They’re excited to explore a new island that’s part of Wildemount, especially with the river of lava running through it. “It’s icy with lava? Sounds like a Dairy Queen.”

There’s still a ton of unknowns regarding the Tombtakers, Vess, the nature of their job, and who’s here on whose orders. They’re excited to see how it’s all going to play out. Travis laughs that he doesn’t take notes, he’s just here to fight things. It just washes over him when Matt starts talking about names and places. “It’ll reveal itself in time. [...] I don’t write those notes down. I don’t even know how to spell it off the bat.” I have never identified more with Travis. Sam actually does pay attention and take notes and was really impressed by Marisha’s dive.

Veth became interested in branding her own spellcraft as soon as she saw Caleb doing it. “That’s what the influencer agents are gonna be looking at. It would be nice to leave the world better than we found it, but also with some branded spells.”

What were Fjord’s thoughts on dropping so much money on the ring & the Ioun stone? It wasn’t about money for Fjord, it was about a cool thing to acquire. It’s why he saves money in his campaign. Caleb needs “as much of a flak jacket as he can get.” He also REJECTS the idea of buyer’s remorse on the ring and touts the effectiveness it’ll have on the lava river.

Travis talks about his old coins - a 340AD coin he bought at a ren faire and a 120BC coin that was a gift from a friend.

Sam marvels at the love and thought that Caleb put into the tower. Sam points out they forgot to go to the top two floors altogether. Travis: “Did the mansion get as much careful planning from Scanlan as the tower did from Caleb?” Sam: Absolutely not. But they were still thinking small in C1, figuring out how things went, and they didn’t have as much detail in their heads yet.

And that’s all the time we have for tonight! We end on everyone whispering way too close into their mics and tapping fingernails on mason jars. A fitting end to this crazy episode, I think.

Is it Thursday yet?

#talks machina #talks machina spoilers #critical role #critical role spoilers #long post for ts

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shihalyfie · 4 years ago

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“The 02 characters didn’t get any character development”

Yes, they did.

“But -- “

Yes, they did.

Having had the gift of having rewatched 02 recently, I have to say that it still really, really confuses me how the hell people get this impression. It’s not even “I’m trying to see the best out of this” but that I genuinely do not get it, because as far as I’m able to see it’s pretty much literally right there!! This isn’t even tinfoil hat tier!

But in case you have any doubts, sit down because Shiha’s gonna sit here and write a meta about the 02 kids, and how they are perfectly reasonable characters that developed properly fine over the course of the series.

(All below translations of 02 dialogue are by PositronCannon.)

So the first thing to understand about 02 is that it is fundamentally made with a very different writing approach from Adventure in the first place, and therefore it is not meant to be compared in a one-to-one fashion.

This is a point I’ve said many times over and over, and I think it’s to the point where it shouldn’t even really need official clarification, but I’m just going to go ahead and bring up the words from Director Kakudou himself:

For instance, we had the prior series stick out in terms of its points about “what it means to be oneself”, and for 02 we made it so that you would pay attention to “the relationship between yourself and other people”.

Right, so: 02, by design, does not use Adventure’s character development methodology of “self-awareness”. It is built from the ground up by having its characters and character development predicated on relationships instead of singular characters. This might seem a bit odd on its face, but no man is an island, and, in fact, changing the way you interact with other people and with the world in general does speak a lot about one’s personal growth in its own way. And this also means that if you try to analyze 02 by holding it to Adventure-based standards of “character focus episodes” or the like, you’re already on a losing battle.

This means that character growth in 02 is not presented in a way where it’s up-front and center, but rather something you have to glean over the natural course of the series. We’re working off relationships, so you have to actually pay attention to the natural interactions between the characters or what they say even during “off-hours” -- the focus-episode format used by Adventure doesn’t apply here anymore. And it’s something apparent enough from how “evolution” is a metaphor for “personal growth” in this franchise -- in Adventure it was via the Crests, which meant self-awareness, but 02′s key evolutionary trump card is Jogress, which relies on the strength of relationships.

One thing I have to say in terms of my experience as a 02 fan is that I’ve found I actually appreciated it significantly more as an adult than I did as a kid, and that, in general, a lot of the things to appreciate about 02 are things that you really viscerally feel and understand when you’ve gotten that degree of life experience under your belt. Unfortunately, this is kind of a double-edged sword, too, because it ends up becoming the kind of series that often risks going over the heads of the very audience of children it was supposed to be targeting. It’s got a lot of very nuanced depictions of mental health and the childhood experience that are maddeningly subtle, to the point of possibly going over one’s head or even coming off as illogical without sufficient life experience, or simply just not being as visceral (the entire theme of “parents stroking their own ego with their kids’ achievements” hits the hardest when you’re college age).

So what this means is that 02 doesn’t exactly hand its themes or character development to you on a plate. But it is there, once you actually start looking for it.

Let’s start off by talking about our main core cast of characters. Adventure and 02 prided themselves on the fact that they tried very hard to not be adherent to anime tropes, but rather to portray well-rounded, nuanced characters that felt more like actual kids you might meet at school. So how does the 02 cast fare in not being pigeonholed anime tropes?

Daisuke: Even though official freely admits he has “the most anime-like personality”, it’s hard to say he actually falls that much into the generic shounen archetype. For one, he’s actually shockingly humble and polite in certain situations (he’s consistently polite with his elders, and is very quick to admit his own limitations). Actually, he comes off as a surprisingly friendly and deferential person -- it’s just that he happens to have somewhat of an abrasive exterior, and even then it’s implied heavily in the first half that this stems from a lack of validation and purpose. (He actually “deflates” really easily, so you can’t even say he’s all that arrogant past the surface.) Certainly he’s simple-minded, and kind of an idiot, but his abrasive exterior is actually pretty deceptive.

Miyako: Miyako floats an interesting duality of simultaneously being aggressively feminine and being aggressively un-feminine -- not necessarily in the sense she tries not to be feminine (on the contrary, she absolutely embraces it), but more that she’s also an aggressive, “inelegant” mess in ways atypical for a lead heroine in a shounen show, who are usually either cute or “badass action girls” and not...a mess. Despite that, she is also consistently portrayed as capable of heavy emotional depth and being very genuinely kind and concerned about others, which are not in any way diminished by the fact she happens to be an aggressive mess with a severe case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. It’s an interesting mix of character traits that you don’t see often.

Iori: “Designated young characters” usually fall into the “cute” archetype a la Adventure!Takeru or Tomoki, so it’s interesting that the youngest one is actually the most mature one, and impeccably polite at that (having been raised by a family that emphasizes formal manners and propriety). Even more interestingly, nobody actually treats him like he’s that much younger, and he’s given the weight of respect in a sense that has nothing to do with his age (think about how there are indeed quite a few kids who simply just get along better with older kids). Yet the series doesn’t shy away from his youth, and his overly black-and-white view of morality is portrayed as immaturity in its own way, along with the occasional “slips” in his facade or manners indicating that it’s still something he has to consciously focus on.

Ken: Ken’s development goes without saying (it’s one of the most consistently praised aspects of 02), but it’s also interesting to note the unusual way the series plays his redemption arc. Instead of making him a typical “jerkass anti-hero who learns to get a bit better”, the series completely blindsides you by revealing that Ken is, in fact, a naturally soft-hearted and kind boy, and then plays up the mystery of the severe kinds of trauma that would lead him down that path. And ultimately, even though the cause is revealed to have supernatural influence, the series also makes it clear that it doesn’t matter -- that, whether it was his conscious “fault” or not, he still is responsible for what he did. And on top of that, it also scorns the usual “redemption by sacrifice” mentality by pointing out that it’s a cop-out -- it doesn’t actually solve the problems that were caused, and, in fact, a much better way to make up for things is to fix them going forward.

Takeru: Takeru had the “designated young character” role in Adventure, and it turns out that once one of those gets a few years older, they’re naturally not going to be nearly as pure and innocent! The “sweet child” from Adventure has now grown into having slightly pettier emotions, even to the point of grudge, and things he won’t let go of. Oh, and also, trauma from three years prior is still going to have impact on an eleven-year-old kid. Who would have thought.

Hikari: Adventure’s most infamously inscrutable character also seems to have gained some individualized, not-quite-innocent traits of her own (observe how she deals with Daisuke’s advances), and, moreover, it turns out that her deferential humility and refusal to open up about her problems is...not a good thing! when it starts to actually bite her in the rear in front of her friends. Yeah, it turns out that being the “quiet cute girl” actually has its own mental health drawbacks. Oops.

We’re doing pretty well, actually! At the very least, they certainly feel like they already have the Adventure/02 brand of character nuance, where their personalities are inherently varied and nuanced enough that you may not quite find characters like them elsewhere. On top of that, we definitely get to see what makes these characters “tick” -- we get a lot of depth into their thought processes and what their likes and dislikes or strengths and weaknesses are, and that’s something 02 still completely beats out a lot of other kids’ shows or even certain other Digimon entries with.

But here we’re talking about character development. So what do we know about them at the very beginning of the series?

Having watched 02 in Japanese a few times and being very used to the core cast’s latter-half characterizations, rewatching the early episodes always strikes me really hard in the face with genuine shock at how shallow the kids -- especially Daisuke and Miyako -- start the series off as. It’s understandable in terms of the context of the series -- unlike the Adventure kids, who were thrown into a “survival, need to get home” situation off the bat and thus already understood the need to be wary, these kids started off having comparatively easy access to home at any time, and didn’t have a constant sense of danger and survival looming over their heads. It naturally took a lot of time for the gravity of the situation they were in to start really hitting them, and so even the relatively straight-laced Iori didn’t exactly take it all that seriously at the beginning.

Yet while it took them a significantly more delayed time to understand what they were dealing with and take it as seriously as they needed to...they started cultivating something else in the meantime.

02′s first half is especially full of “random banter conversations” that seemingly involve nothing in particular, but, in fact, that’s actually part of the point. One thing I have always been quick to point out in regards to 02 is that it is rather unique among Digimon series in how it goes out of its way to portray its core cast as having become friends even in pure daily-life social friend terms, even if it had absolutely nothing to do with Digimon incidents -- these are kids who genuinely enjoy each other’s company even in the most mundane of situations. This was something that wasn’t the case for the original Adventure kids -- having been a group of kids thrown together by necessity, even though they most certainly kept in touch and trusted each other as fellow Chosen Children deeply, they started floating back into their own different social clusters after the events of 1999. Relationships are multifaceted, after all; you can still have a deep relationship and bond without necessarily being friends on a social level.

But already, off the bat, Miyako brings food for her new best friends, and it’s implied that she’s the main ringleader behind holding the picnic -- a picnic that started off having no intended relation to the Digital World territory war -- in episode 6. And, to be quite honest, can you really blame these kids? Even the Adventure kids wistfully entertained the idea of a long-term fun adventure through the Digital World in Adventure episode 54, wanting to enjoy its beauty and fun in a situation where they weren’t constantly running for their lives. Now that this luxury is actually available, why not take advantage of it -- and bond further with the others in the process? And for the rest of the year, these kids actively end up spending mundane conversations together and bonding to the point that, by the time we get to the end of 02, these kids have just genuinely bonded so much that they really come off as a cohesive, inseparable unit that would actively choose to spend time with each other if given the opportunity. In fact, even going through all of the TV Digimon series that exist as of this writing, I would say Appmon is the only one that really competes with 02 in portraying its core cast in this manner.

Again, remember: this is a series where characterization is dependent on how the kids treat others and interact with them, so you do actually have to pay close attention to these interactions and see how they change over the course of the series.

So once the episodes start coming in play, we actually learn a lot more about what happens when the characters start breaking away from their shallowness. For instance, episode 8, one of the first key episodes to understanding Daisuke’s character:

Daisuke: He'll be a great opponent. We didn't face off in the last tournament. Takeru: If you had made it to the finals, you would have, right? Daisuke: Don't remind me... Hikari: Can you win? Daisuke: It's not about winning or losing. Right now, all of the boys who play soccer in this country want to be like him. Just thinking about playing against him makes me excited!

For all Daisuke initially seems to be arrogant, he’s actually not that incapable of humility. Far from it, actually; he does have a genuine love for soccer and the spirit of the game, and, when completely and obviously unmatched, fully admits he has no chance and is set on enjoying the most he can out of it anyway. I feel like Daisuke’s surface-abrasive attitude really does throw off the fact that he’s a lot more genuinely humble than he’s given credit for. In the end, he’s satisfied enough with the accomplishment of pulling off one sliding tackle against Ken, and is able to enjoy that -- a foreshadowing of how the latter half relies so much on the fact that he’s capable of enjoying simple pleasures and being straightforward about them.

I find that this scene is really underappreciated, too (mainly because it gets lost in all of the other major things in this episode) -- while Daisuke jokes about his accomplishment, it only takes a single comment from his respected senior Taichi to shut him down.

There’s a huge reason I constantly emphasize that Daisuke respects his elders -- this part tends to get lost in translation a lot (especially the American English dub, which just smashed this aspect out of him wholesale, among other things) due to it being a bit reliant on Asian senior deference and cultural propriety, but Daisuke is respectful not only out of societal obligation but also because he genuinely respects his elders! The way he looks up to Taichi and chases after his approval is genuine, and even his interactions with the other Adventure kids have a major hint of him having genuine respect and deference to them. Daisuke is just a deferential person in general -- note that while his crush on Hikari tends to manifest when he’s at his most shallow, he’s actually the one putting Hikari on a pedestal (considering it his own responsibility to impress her), so he’s not actually as assertive as he tries to come off as. The first half of 02 arguably has him deflating more often than he actually stands his ground...and this is a trait of him that starts to actually change quite a bit over the course of the series.

Miyako comes to terms with the fact that maybe she’d been taking this whole Digital World adventure thing too lightly in episode 10, indicating that she actually does have a good sense of priorities when they become increasingly clear! This is actually very important, because it fleshes her out as someone who’s emotionally sensitive -- too emotionally sensitive, to the point that “emotional sensitivity” is just as much of a driving point behind her later breakdown in episode 18, this time from taking her duties too seriously. Miyako is a very id-driven person, and so a lot of the early series is her struggling to find a proper balance on how to adjust her emotions in an increasingly escalating situation. Her heart is in the right place, she’s just not someone with an inherent sense of preparedness to deal with this kind of problem.

We get into the secondary Digimental arc, and there’s a noticeable consistent thread that all of them involve admission of personal faults. This is something that tends to throw people off at times -- wait, having bad traits about yourself is what awards you? -- but the point is that this isn’t like Adventure’s Crests, where things came from proof of exercising the virtue, but rather admitting that there are ways you need to improve, and showing a will to improve in that manner. In the end, people are not perfect human beings, and sometimes even understanding that you’re deficient is half the battle -- after all, the second half is all about a certain character named Ichijouji Ken coming to terms with some very, very serious personal problems.

In episode 11, Daisuke completely admits that he doesn’t feel he understands the concept of friendship the way Taichi and Yamato et al. see it, also latently admitting that he doesn’t see himself as worthy of the Digimental of Friendship. Beyond betraying a lot deeper issues within Daisuke that he seems to have actually had a background lacking in friends and sources of validation, he actually acts very self-effacing when admitting his issues to Taichi and Yamato, ultimately culminating in him calling himself pathetic. Or, in other words, he does want to be a better friend and to understand the concept better, and is harsh on himself for not doing better (which, of course, ultimately leads to how he eventually does gain better relations with the rest of the group and reaches out to Ken).

In episode 14, Miyako admits that she’s shallow and judgmental and tends to jump to conclusions based on first impressions. Recall that she’s comparing herself to Mimi in said relevant scene -- Mimi, whom she admires, and actually spends part of the episode trying to understand and empathize with the mentality of. This is not a statement of Miyako being proud of herself. Rather, this is Miyako being very straightforward about the fact that she needs to try harder to see through the essence of things and to see through to the emotional core of. Again, something she actually does start developing over the course of the series.

In episode 16, Iori gets his first major lesson on the limitations of being too stuck on principles in his attempt to be honest. Recall that Iori’s later character arc is very dependent on him realizing that his own view of the world is too black-and-white. It’s great if you could never tell a lie to anyone, ever, but in the end, that’s going to reach limitations of practicality -- after all, as Jou points out, what Iori did ended up not actually hurting Jou in comparison to the incredible amount of hurt it would have caused everyone by being too stubborn, and thus Iori would have failed to keep his responsibility to help the others because of one narrow-minded principle.

Hikari even gets in a bit during the infamous episode 13, where we learn that her “passive” attitude is biting her in the rear. In Adventure, Hikari’s passiveness and reticence had mostly been used as satellite development for Taichi (his insecurities as an older brother and his obligations to her), so this is actually the first time we get to see a proper perspective from Hikari’s side, and it turns out that his overprotectiveness has actually caused her to get dependent. But even though Taichi is the one the episode actually focuses on, the larger focus is more specifically on the fact that Hikari is too passive -- that she sees being taken by the Dark Ocean as an inevitable thing that’s just going to happen unless someone else steps in on her behalf. Takeru, of course, is having none of it.

Once that’s out of the way, we go back to taking a look at the subtleties of everyone’s interactions. While everyone generally tends to focus on the second half of episode 17, it’s also pretty interesting to see how the 02 kids react to hearing about their seniors’ adventure in the first half -- remember that this is the first time the 02 kids are actually given any real depth about the degree of 1999′s events that’s not just random points of hearsay, and the way the new kids react to it indicates that they’re thoroughly floored. It’s later established that they didn’t even get the full story (it may not even be possible, given that the Adventure kids’ experiences may well have gone even further beyond what we got to see in 54 episodes), and yet the new kids are overwhelmed. 02 itself does not shy away from the fact that the younger kids really have no qualms about deferring to their seniors if need be, and treating them with utmost respect.

Another minor note, which I pointed out in my Daisuke meta earlier, is that the beginning of this episode is pretty much the last time Daisuke ever shows outright hostility towards Takeru for his relationship with Hikari -- it’s something you have to glean by squinting, but the implication is that the insecure and clingy Daisuke actually got to learn this episode that the two of them had a pre-established shared experience that he himself may not understand, and that it wasn’t just Takeru randomly swooping in and snatching away the closest thing he had to a friend for no good reason.

Once the Kaiser infiltration arc begins, episode 18 ends up being one of Miyako’s funniest episodes, but it’s a bit distressing that a lot of people in the fanbase often never let Miyako live this incident down, when in actuality this was explicitly not a good mental health day for her. (This is basically the equivalent of pinning Mimi as a conceited, self-centered jerk based on the fact she was one for a fashion in Adventure episode 25.) The beginning and ending of this episode establish that this is basically a result of Miyako...trying her hardest. She’s scared as hell, but she also learned in episode 10 that this is something she needs to take seriously, and the stress puts her into a mental breakdown. This is why she ends up having a heart-to-heart with Hawkmon at the end; her heart is in the right place, but she needs to find a way to channel her emotional sensitivity in a way that doesn’t make her into a complete mess.

And note that her own voice actress, Natsuki Rio, even pointed out that Hawkmon’s actions had enough of an influence on Miyako’s character that she had to play her differently thereafter.

At first I always played her with Maximum Excitement, and I kept thinking “someone, please, stop her,” but the more straight-laced Hawkmon did his best to pull her in and hold her by the reins (laughs). Thanks to him, Miyako became a lot more of a put-together person…thank goodness Hawkmon is her partner!

Episode 19 has two interesting things of note that I want to point out -- first of all, starting from the very beginning of the episode, everyone ditches Daisuke because they’re independently going in to infiltrate the Kaiser’s base. Note the complete lack of a plan here whatsoever -- everyone’s just going in on their own -- and the fact that everyone expects Daisuke to come up with what he wants to do on his own. For all it’s worth, even though Daisuke may have a designated protagonist aura to him, within the story itself...nobody actually sees him as a leader at this point in the series (and, to be fair, he’s never really tried to claim the position, either).

It’s similar to how Taichi was never recognized as a particular leader of the Adventure group until Adventure episode 28, but in regards to the full team dynamic, it’s actually inverse -- the Adventure kids were capable of making tactical plans together as early as episode 20, but fell apart emotionally in short order as soon as Taichi was gone, whereas here, the kids are fond enough of each other to hang out socially and support each other emotionally, but they take a while to get any real cohesiveness as a fighting group.

The other is that Iori personally witnesses Takeru’s sudden whiplash into his grudge against the darkness and the Kaiser, and it scares the hell out of him.

Takeru eventually laying a punch on the Kaiser is a pretty awesome moment (and, really, Ken kind of deserved it, so it’s hard to not cheer for him), but it’s also important to note that within the context of the series, this is not a good mental place for Takeru to be in. Iori, the person who should by all means sympathize with hatred of evil things at this point of the series, is still extremely unnerved by Takeru’s actions here, because he’d always seen Takeru as a mature person who’d always kept his composure, only to show a drastically different side of him that he hadn’t even shown a hint of before. That kind of “two-facedness” and emotional repression -- and this way of venting trauma in general -- cannot be good for Takeru at this point in time, and it’s also an important moment for Iori when he later admits during the two’s Jogress arc that he’s having a bit of a hard time understanding him.

And so episode 20 comes, and Chimeramon pretty much takes out the entire party, leading to this conversation.

Takeru: Let's escape. Daisuke: Escape? Takeru: We can't fight anymore. Our mission has failed. We'll retreat and wait for another chance. Hikari: You're right. We have no other choice. Iori: Understood. Daisuke: No. Miyako: Daisuke? Daisuke: We can't just say "another chance" like that. If we leave now, they'll keep attacking anything in sight. We don't know if we'll be able to get into the fortress again. So this is our only chance! Hikari: That's crazy... Iori: Exactly! Miyako: They're all back to their Baby forms... Chibimon: Daisuke... Daisuke: But...didn't you all see it? Destroying those towns...and all we could do was watch quietly. I don't want to see that ever again. I won't let them do whatever they want! So I'm going, even alone. I won't give up now. After getting this far, all I can do is go forward!

Why is this moment important? This is the first time Daisuke has actually stood a firm ground against anyone else in the party -- and not only that, with the entire party standing against him.

Recall that I mentioned earlier that, in spite of Daisuke’s abrasive attitude suggesting otherwise, he actually has a tendency to “deflate” pretty quickly when people tease or criticize him. He spends the first half of the series having a lot more bark than he actually has bite. Earlier in the series, if the entire party were to go against him, he’d be more likely to begrudgingly go along (while complaining) -- in fact, he actually did just that at the beginning of episode 7! But now that push has come to shove, Daisuke’s own sense of morals and bleeding heart have won out. (While his decision here is definitely a bit reckless, he does have a point; if they’d retreated, they might genuinely lose any future chances.) Even with the entire party telling him to pull back, he refuses to accept what they want him to do, and pushes forward.

This is where Daisuke first starts to really make strides towards what becomes his eventual major role in the group as “the one who pulls people forward”. It’s a moment after which the rest of the group themselves also start to treat him with more respect now that he’s proven he’s not just a doormat, and that when it comes to there being a real problem with real priorities, he does have the resolve and initiative to keep going.

Also, a very important point is that he immediately says he’ll go alone if he has to. He doesn’t begrudge the others for wanting to fall back, and has no condescension towards them; he just can’t stand the fact that he himself is being asked to sit it out.

So, you know. Episode 21 happens. Ichijouji Ken goes through some real trauma as Wormmon dies in his arms. And all Daisuke has to say is...

Daisuke: You should go home. There are people who are worried and waiting for you! Go home!

Remember when I pointed out that 02 takes a very unique perspective on Ken’s redemption arc, pointing out the futility of being too trapped in the idea of symbolic penance and focusing more on actively taking steps in the future to make up for and fix things? Here’s our first major sign of this, and Daisuke’s eventual approach to Ken -- Daisuke does not choose to scorn or lambast Ken for what he’s done, even though there are a lot of things Ken deserves to be harped on for, but rather instructs him to take the first active step towards fixing his mistakes, in this case fixing things with his family.

Episode 22 is Daisuke’s own “fanbase will never let him live this down” moment, but there’s still some interesting things to note here. Firstly, Daisuke’s “relapse” happening exactly when it seems like his duty to the Digital World is done and there’s nothing to do besides community service doesn’t seem coincidental, especially when this exact episode actually dedicates a full scene to Takeru, Hikari, and their partners going “...now what?” Secondly, as I touched on earlier, note that Daisuke’s never really seemed to have any resentment against Hikari for not responding to his affections -- in fact, he still considers it his own (and V-mon’s, by extension) duty to be the one to impress her. It’s a surprisingly refreshing take on the “shounen hero with a crush on a girl” trope, because in the end...Daisuke isn’t actually all that possessive of her, he just really wants validation from her, and respects her a lot.

More importantly, though -- note the way Daisuke handles this topic. He’s not actually mad at or resentful of Takeru anymore. In fact, he’s mulling on the topic and wondering what he could do to be on that level. Yup, even when Daisuke’s being shallow and jealous, he’s still learned to handle this issue ever so slightly more maturely than he would have at the beginning of the series.

This is also important because only one episode later, once Daisuke becomes disappointed again at Takeru and Hikari walking off on their own, Miyako intervenes -- not only so that Takeru and Hikari can have their space, but also so that Daisuke can have some genuine fun and something to do. This is a very blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment in episode 24, but it makes it very clear that Miyako was looking out for Daisuke’s welfare, too, and I think it’s very important in light of the events of the prior episode. Miyako, who had always been fumbling on what to do with her emotions, is starting to properly channel them into managing the dynamic between the team and checking in on how everyone’s doing, and that starts to guide her actions and relationships for the rest of the series.

The next episode (25) is where we kick off not only the Jogress arc, but also the arc where we start going into everyone’s attitude towards Ichijouji Ken. This is important not only because Ken happens to be the effective central figure of 02′s story, but also because -- well, remember, 02 is fundamentally founded on the concept of relationships, so it’s only natural that the other kids’ relationship with the “team newcomer” will be a key aspect of the second half, and in relation to their own characters.

Remember how I said that Daisuke’s first-half character involved him being extremely deferential and often deflating whenever he was criticized or someone stood against him? At the time of episode 25, once again, pretty much the entire team is standing against him -- he’s the only one who’s this level of open-minded about getting Ken into the group, and everyone else is showing differing levels of opposition. But while Daisuke doesn’t begrudge the others for thinking this way, he also doesn’t back down, either, and reaches out to Ken on his own because he still really believes in what he’s doing. Now that he’s settled into what it means to be a Chosen Child, he’s started to gain a proper idea of what he wants to do, and what he feels needs to be done.

So, let’s recap everyone’s stances on Ichijouji Ken at the time of this episode!

Daisuke: Forward-thinking and optimistic; willing to believe that Ken should be given the chance to make up for his mistakes and that they should put everything behind him, even to the extent of believing that there’s probably a good reason for the more suspicious aspects about him (prior to the events of episode 25, it was unclear whether Ken was being a bit too callous about killing Digimon). Also the most actively aggressive in reaching out to Ken and trying to get him to join them.

Miyako: Forward-thinking; she openly states at the beginning of the episode that she thinks Ken’s learned his lesson, she’s just worried about whether he’s going to keep doing questionable things in the future (killing Digimon). Once it’s on the table that he’s not just doing this callously, she immediately is on board with him (to the point of even being the first in the group to use given name basis with him), but her stance on what to do with him is more on the edge of “give him space and wait for him to come on his own terms” (she ends the episode saying she’ll be waiting for him to come).

Takeru: States in the episode that he does believe that Ken’s changed, but doesn’t really know what he’s thinking (i.e. too inscrutable to really be sure about). The later episode 35 implies that Takeru was inclined to be a bit more sympathetic than you’d think otherwise, because he understands the trauma of losing a Digimon partner.

Hikari: Wants to wait a little longer and see how things play out. (Remember that Hikari has a known, consistent thread of taking a very passive approach towards things.)

Iori: Absolutely against it on sheer principle.

It should be noted that none of these stances are wrong. Iori sometimes gets a lot of flak for being the one with the most infamously cold stance towards Ken, but when you really think about it, Daisuke and Miyako are very lucky that their hunch about Ken was right and that he actually did happen to be a very kind boy who had a little too much trauma and some supernatural influence. The fact that Ken is a very emotionally withdrawn person for the rest of the series meant that the two of them ended up breaking through to him the most, but there’s nothing wrong with Takeru, Hikari, and Iori’s skepticism; Ken did some pretty shockingly horrible things in front of their eyes for the first half, and it’s entirely within their rights to determine how forgiving they want to be with him.

In any case, we get to episode 26 (the first Jogress), and most of that episode goes without saying, but I do want to emphasize Daisuke’s lines right before it happens.

Daisuke: If you die now, you won't be able to accomplish anything...I don't want that! Ken: I don't want that...There are still many things I must do.

Daisuke urges Ken not to go for the “suicidal penance” route not only because it sucks, but also because, as symbolic as it may be, it’s also counterproductive to the whole point of doing penance to begin with. If Ken really wants to make up for his mistakes, he’s only going to be able to do that if he’s actually alive to do it! There’s only so much you can do by drowning in self-pity by going “because I did this, because I did that” instead of actually taking responsibility for your actions.

02 itself is deliberately ambiguous on how much Ken’s transformation into the Kaiser was Ken’s own conscious will and how much of it was Dark Seed-induced supernatural influence, but one thing it’s consistent about is that it doesn’t really matter. Regardless of what the cause was, Ken did what he did, and it’s his responsibility to make up for it, and the only way to actually do that is to keep moving forward. The fact that Daisuke is so able to viscerally and directly address what Ken needs the most right now is what fuels their first Jogress, and why Daisuke becomes Ken’s closest friend through the rest of the series.

People have pointed out that 02 has a lot of moments of physical hits, but, notably, other than Takeru punching the Kaiser in episode 19 (which he really deserved, honestly), all of these hits are done with the express intent of bringing the other person out of a very, very deep mental abyss (Yamato punching Taichi in episode 10, Daisuke slapping Ken in 26, Miyako slapping Ken in 30, and Miyako and Hikari’s mutual slaps in 31), because they were in a state where words would no longer reach them otherwise. These are all circumstances of the kind where the person on the receiving end understands that they really needed a drastic wake-up call because of how deeply they’d fallen (and these aren’t some average mental abyss problems these kids are getting put through, either). It’s actually hard to imagine any of the 02 group getting in the kind of genuinely angry and vicious fistfights Taichi and Yamato would in Adventure, because of how close they are (the closest being Daisuke and Takeru grappling in episode 11, but it never got near that level) -- in fact, these kinds of things are done with the implication that they’re doing it because they trust the other person to not hold it against them (and in fact, the fact Yamato does this with Taichi in this way is intended to be read as a sign of how much better they’ve come to understand each other).

So, moving on with the series! The Giga House incident in episodes 28-29 is the first time the group works together in an organized effort, which is notable not only because it’s their first time coordinating with Ken, but also because it’s their first time properly coordinating at all. Remember when I mentioned that, back in episode 19, as much as the kids were pretty fond of each other and were great friends, they still hadn’t figured out how to actually fight as a team? Here we are, with them actually having started to figure that process out.

We then get to episode 30, where there’s actually quite a lot of interesting things to unpack.

Miyako: What's wrong with you? Daisuke: E-Eh? Mi-Miyako-san? Miyako: It feels weird when you add the "-san". Daisuke: Shut up! Man, you're all the same!

Miyako and Daisuke’s relationship is often misconstrued considering that they’re the two most chaotic in the group (their temperaments are very similar at times, which causes them a lot of friction), but I also think this blink-and-you’ll-miss it moment is pretty much their actual relationship in a nutshell. They fight a lot, and they’re ostensibly vitriolic, but they’re actually two of the most like-minded in the group -- they banter because they’re comfortable with each other. Recall that I mentioned that Daisuke is normally respectful with his elders, yet he’s the only person in the group who won’t use the -san honorific on Miyako (even though she’s the oldest)...but the one time he gets flustered and uses it on her, she tells him that it’s weird and he needs to cut that out. Or, in other words, “it’s not like you to be weirdly respectful of me like that, we shouldn’t have that kind of distance between us, stop it.”

(It’s also pretty notable that Miyako has never seriously used -kun or any other honorific on Daisuke, even right after meeting him -- the only other person she dropped honorifics on was Iori, whom she’d known prior to the start of the series, but she seems to have deemed Daisuke enough of a fellow disaster child that he merited dropping it.)

This is especially because, right after that, she recruits Daisuke into her plan to get Ken and Iori to get along -- in the end, when things really get serious, the two are incredibly like-minded (look at how in-sync they are when they scheme together).

30 is actually a surprisingly Miyako-centric episode, despite not ostensibly being one. For one, it says a lot that right now, her biggest priority is to get Ken and Iori to get along -- something that has absolutely nothing to do with herself. In episode 14, Miyako freely admitted that she had a tendency to jump to conclusions about people, and that she was shallow about aesthetics, but this is a very different Miyako from the one who harassed Daisuke for Ken’s autograph in episode 8, or immediately became distrusting of Digitamamon in episode 14. Instead, she’s simply just genuinely invested in seeing people she considers friends get along, and in a selfless manner -- one that has nothing to do with herself. She just really, really cares, a lot.

After all of the first-half hubbub of Miyako really having no idea of what to do with her emotions, the second half has her start channeling that energy into what’s always been one of her biggest strengths: checking on, connecting with, and caring about her friends. Daisuke may be an aggressive forward-thinker who can push everyone in the right direction, but unlike his predecessor Taichi, he doesn’t actually have particular charisma or leadership skills that can necessarily hold everyone together. In the absence of that ability, Miyako fills in for him, checking on the moods and feelings on everyone in the team and making sure everyone’s doing well. And that’s why she loses her temper and slaps Ken late in the episode -- because, really, she’s reached her limit on her “give him space” philosophy when he’s abusing it to be standoffish in a crisis situation, and, on top of that, she really, really did have a huge emotional investment in him.

Moving onto more Miyako in episode 31, her Jogress episode with Hikari, we get to see a little bit of the old emotionally compromised Miyako again, but -- much like the second Digimentals arc -- it involves the two of them acknowledging that both of them are not going about things the best way, and that there are things they can learn from the other.

Hikari: Miyako-san, you're a handful sometimes. Miyako: I knew that's what you thought of me... Hikari: But...I've always envied that. Miyako: Huh? Hikari: Because I can't be honest and say I'm scared or scream like you.

Miyako’s tendency to lose control emotionally results in her being insensitive much of the time, which she calls herself out on multiple times during the episode, and she can’t always be as “kind” as Hikari is -- but, on the flip side, her antics are something that can be a “light” (pun not intended) towards those who are falling in a bad mental state or into the darkness, and Hikari even acknowledges this when one of her trains of thought makes her break out into laughter. Miyako ultimately manages to get through to Hikari this way at the end of the episode, which results in a Jogress and mutual growth for both of them -- Miyako puts more thought into how to approach others (it’s pointed out at the end that she’s still thinking about understanding Ken and Hikari better), and Hikari gains more resolve and determination to fight against things instead of passively accepting her fate (she tells Takeru very directly at the end "I’m fine now. I’ll never go there again.”).

Iori and Takeru's Jogress is a little more complicated to the point where it spans multiple episodes, but a lot of it ends up having to do with the fact that the events of the BlackWarGreymon arc start really putting Iori's black-and-white principles into conflict -- it's wrong to kill something that's been proven to be alive, but it's also wrong to be evil. Putting a huge nail in that is that there's a stake in him forming a relationship with Takeru, but he doesn't really understand Takeru either -- the "two-facedness" he witnessed back in episode 19 scares even him, and he's so intimidated by Takeru that, in episode 35, he goes to approach Yamato about Takeru's past instead of asking the person directly. Takeru, hearing about this, complains that he could have just asked directly, but admits he understands why Iori did so.

By the way, I should point out that episode 35 is the last time within the TV series that Daisuke is portrayed as having a particular interest in Hikari, and it’s just in terms of being slightly more excited that Hikari is joining his meeting. At this point, there are actual important things happening in the Digital World, and he needs to take care of Ken, too, and so...in the end, once again, Daisuke proves that he’s actually capable of putting aside those kinds of more shallow things when he really needs to.

On top of that, this is when the kids start actively working with Ken in the real world (and, if post-02 materials are any indication, continue to hang out with him even for social outings). The choice to have Ken live in Tamachi instead of Odaiba facilitated his isolation from the group during the Kaiser arc, and during around the third quarter they were all grouping up in the Digital World anyway, but the fourth quarter actually has the kids make an attempt to include Ken in their real-world outings despite the distance. Tamachi is not temporally far from Odaiba (approximately half an hour by train), but it’s a bit of a nuisance to get to, requiring crossing a bridge to/from the Tokyo mainland and paying extra for the Yurikamome. But at this point, he’s an important enough friend to them -- and them important enough friends to him -- that they’ll make it work.

At the end of episode 35, Iori finally decides -- to the point of recklessness, something that would have been previously very uncharacteristic of him -- to try and appeal directly to BlackWarGreymon to get him to stop destroying the Holy Stones so that they won’t have to fight. It’s emblematic of Iori’s heart being genuinely torn, because he’s having such a difficult time rationalizing all of these conflicting feelings. This comes to a head in episode 36, when Iori loses his temper at the rest of the group for “playing around”, but Armadimon snaps him back to reality to remind him that they’re tired and hungry, and this can’t be neglected. Iori himself ultimately becomes the one to proactively suggest that they take time to sit down and eat, indicating that -- little by little -- he’s starting to shift his thinking a bit, after being so incredibly stubborn for much of the series.

This is what leads to Iori and Takeru’s Jogress at the end of the episode, now that Iori is flexible enough in thinking to understand the emotional id behind Takeru’s mentality. And likewise, Takeru’s started to loosen up by 36, too --

Takeru: Sure, darkness is frightening, and we would feel at ease if we could get rid of it completely, but I'm sure that's impossible. Ken: Impossible? Takeru: Where there's light, there's always darkness. Hikari: The brighter the light, the darker the shadow, right? Takeru: Yes. That's why I think it's important not to lose sight of the light inside you, no matter how dark it is.

The thing about Takeru is that while he deceptively seemed more open and playful than Hikari for most of the series, he was actually bottling up a lot of emotions in a way not entirely different from the way she did. (Note how, despite how tied at the hip the two constantly are, they almost never actually talk about their thoughts on each other; it feels like a relationship where they implicitly trust each other but are practically reliant on that implicit trust to maintain that close of a friendship at all.) And he’s been keeping those emotions bottled up until they exploded in less-than-healthy ways, initially distancing himself from Iori. But being a lot more open about his thoughts on the matter allowed them to connect better, and eventually Takeru came to embrace a somewhat more reasonable stance on the matter after observing Iori.

It also doesn’t seem like coincidence that this is the episode that ends with Takeru’s first major act of goodwill towards Ken.

This leads into episode 38, the Christmas episode. Fun things to note!

The episode opens with Daisuke and the other younger kids giving a “Christmas present” to their seniors in the form of letting them reunite with their partners. Remember how I said that the 02 kids always admired their seniors and looked up to them? Even this late in the series, the series does not shy away from the fact you’re supposed to see the 02 kids as their deferential juniors.

The Christmas party is, of course, notably, the first major moment of reconciliation between Iori and Ken, with Iori having gone through major harsh lessons about morality in the last few episodes, and Ken opening up more to the rest of the group. Said party is also yet another notable example of how much of a priority it is for the 02 kids to be “social life friends” and not just friends working as a Digimon incident team -- after all, having genuinely emotionally present friends is what Ken needs most in his life right now, considering that the party is treated as the first time he’s been truly happy in a long while.

This is followed by episode 39, which is notable as the time when Daisuke finally commits to switching to given-name basis for Ken, and actually opens the episode standing against Taichi -- because he's so worried about Ken that he needs to go join him. This is something that's lost a bit in translation, but although Daisuke stands down against Taichi, he's not rude nor does he overstep his boundaries with his respected senior (he even opens his statement in polite-form Japanese) -- he's just saying, firmly and politely, "I'm sorry, but I can't go, I have to go help my friend." It’s a notable moment because while Daisuke has been becoming increasingly assertive and aware of what he really wants to do, this is the first time we’re actually seeing him refuse to defer to the very senior he’d spent so much of the series idolizing and looking up to.

We get to episodes 43-45 (the Demon mini-arc), which is also the culmination of the 02 kids having to face the limits of pacifism. This tends to throw off people who are coming in from Adventure, since the Adventure kids ended up killing Digimon with a lot more ease in the original series, but it’s also important to make note of the fact that the episode itself deliberately portrays a gap in mentality between the Adventure and the 02 kids -- with Hikari torn between the two. It also creates an interesting subversion of expectations when Hikari, the one you’d expect to be more on the pacifist side, is the one who’s already accepted that it may be inevitable, whereas Miyako, the more aggressive and belligerent one, is the one staunchly against it.

The reason for this “paradox” comes out of a single line from Hikari in episode 44:

Hikari: You’re the one who saved him, Miyako-san.

The Adventure kids never liked killing. They were never enthusiastic about it -- it was just that they were almost immediately put in a situation where the entire fate of the multiverse was at stake thanks to some unambiguously evil Digimon who wanted nothing but wanton destruction. Even then, it was pretty clear that they never enjoyed it -- Takeru professed a desire to avoid fighting in Adventure episode 12, and the pacifist Mimi went through a breakdown in Adventure episodes 45-50 trying to avoid casualties. But one of the most important lessons Mimi learned at the time was that pacifism has its limits -- there’s no point if it ends up in more deaths than it saves, because at that point you’re adhering to moralistic principles more than you’re actually saving lives.

The fact that the Adventure kids and the 02 kids have a “different mentality” isn’t just happenstance, but outright embraced. Daisuke, Miyako, and Iori never had to actually deal with a conscious Digimon that was unambiguously evil for most of the series, and Archnemon revealing that her motives were pretty much nothing but wanton destruction in episode 29 was the first major warning signal to Iori that his pacifism might have limits. And during this Demon mini-arc, it’s not like these Digimon are threatening multiverse destruction or anything -- it really does seem like a constant “glimmer of hope” that maybe, just maybe, they can save people non-lethally. Alas, they can’t.

Daisuke, being someone who’s inherently practical-minded, starts entertaining the idea that push may come to shove as early as episode 25, and finally makes his first statement about practical limits in episode 43. But the more emotionally caught-up Miyako and Iori end up taking another episode to swallow it, and they don’t take it well. Most of the attention in 44 is given to Miyako, and it reconfirms that, despite her aggressive exterior, she’s emotionally sensitive and empathetic -- and while killing LadyDevimon is framed as truly the only thing that could have been done in that situation, Miyako is not faulted for being emotionally compromised, nor is Iori likewise when he faces a similar situation with Takeru and is forced to confront the people whose lives were at stake.

Episode 45, when Ken opens the gate to the Dark Ocean, doesn’t really have much to add on top of what’s already there, but this is basically “the point of no return” when everyone confirms their own emotional investment in Ken and understanding that he’s not just reformed, he’s genuinely struggling under the pain of what’s been happening -- and this is before they find out about the truth behind the Dark Seeds, and that Ken’s transformation into the Kaiser may have been supernaturally influenced, too.

It’s also interesting to see the different ways each kid reacts to Ken as they support him:

Hikari, the most outwardly compassionate, goes to support him the second she notices him in physical pain; Takeru notices that it might work, realizes Ken needs the support, and joins.

Iori and Miyako reflect on how Ken’s putting all of his efforts in, and lambast themselves before joining. Interestingly, given the circumstances behind what’s happened up until now, Iori and Miyako criticizing themselves take a different meaning -- Iori, who’d been scornful of Ken until recently, seems to be regretting that he distrusted him when Ken had been trying so hard, while Miyako, who had been open to him since episode 25, seems to be upset that she’s sitting there and not doing enough when he’s in all of this pain.

And Daisuke, of course, the most “forward-thinking” of them all, gives Ken a speech about what he’s done so far and reminds him that he’s already done more than enough for “atonement” -- which is, of course, what directly reaches Ken the most.

And when we get to episode 46, and the kids, now knowing about the Dark Seeds, hold a roundtable (and emotional support group) to discuss what to do about the Dark Seeds, Daisuke’s the one with the most spirit and energy about it, but...

...the one actually leading the roundtable? Miyako.

Miyako: Sorry, that's all I can think of. Ken: Please don't worry about me. Miyako: (nods)

It’s subtle, but the scene in question does actually make a deliberate move in indicating that Miyako’s continuing to channel her emotional sensitivity and desire to go out of her way to help Ken -- of course, they all know how traumatic this is for him, but she’s the one who’s actively calling attention to how he must feel about it first and foremost.

Episodes 47 and after end up becoming yet another major wake-up call for Iori (seriously, I do not understand why people claim he had no character arc when this wasn’t even remotely subtle) when he learns that Oikawa, whom he’d pinned as “evil”, has a deep relationship with the father he’d grown up idolizing so much, and it completely flips his world around -- even though he had started to get a bit more open-minded, he’s still trying to rationalize what should have been, in his mind, two diametrically opposite things. It fuels his confusion and desperate desire to understand more, not just about Oikawa, but about everything he’d thought about morality and why people turn to evil.

So we get to the final arc of the series, and it involves a confrontation with BelialVamdemon -- but said finale is heavily dependent on talking to the Dark Seed children and inspiring hope back into them. This results in a conversation where everyone talks about their career dreams, and Daisuke admits that he wants to be...a ramen chef, which completely blindsides even his friends.

What’s with this arc?, you might think. And moreover, why is Daisuke ending the series still kind of an idiot? Even Miyako still seems to be a bit of a mess and chaotic. Weren’t they supposed to be growing into dignified heroes, like Taichi and his friends were last series?

Well, here’s the thing -- the fact that the 02 kids end the series comparatively “undignified” is actually very inherent to the core theme of 02 itself. There were more than enough episodes that established that said kids are heroic in their own way -- caring about others, fighting on others’ behalf, and learning important lessons about what’s important to fight about. That doesn’t mean they don’t get the right to continue being disaster children while they’re at it.

Why?

Let’s look at a few official statements behind the creation and intent behind 02 as a series. From producer Seki Hiromi, from the Digimon Animation Chronicle:

That came from an idea I had while reading a newspaper article. I read a story about a nine-year-old boy going to Columbia University, and I thought, “This boy is going to college because he’s considered a genius, and everyone around him will be in their twenties, and he won’t get to have any friends his age. What kind of life would this boy end up having?”

Or some very interesting statements from head writer Yoshimura Genki from the 02 Blu-ray box:

When I was writing Ken Ichijouji, the main idea for him I used as a basis was the conflict between “the self that has to be a well-behaved child when adults are watching” and “being able to be oneself”, and the pain that came from it as a result. So for instance, in the same way as the Pinnocchio fairytale, or the short story A.I. that was adapted into a movie, or many other works, there are probably universal worries that all children feel as they grow, but also, there were ongoing unimaginable, atrocious incidents happening with children at the time, and perhaps it was those social conditions that gave me a hint on what to do. I think I had some thoughts that I wanted to convey to the children who were living through that time. I was given the opportunity to put those kinds of feelings, as much as I liked, into episode 23, and I am truly grateful to all of the staff, including the director. ... Also, this is about Daisuke’s character, but I believe I paid particular attention to making him “a child who could be himself”. He has no special talents, and although he’s clumsy and scatterbrained, I wanted him to be someone whose strength was in his straightforwardness, and wrote him that way.

Lying underneath the entirety of 02 itself is a theme about “children who are not allowed to be children”. Or, in other words, the pressure placed on children to be “talented” and “dignified” and “well-behaved”, often imposed on them by well-meaning parents who are unfortunately taking the opportunity to stroke their own ego, robbing them of the happiness and mental freedoms they should have as kids.

Ichijouji Osamu and Ken, who were placed under the pressure to be “genius children” and cracked under the pressure to please their parents. Oikawa Yukio, who was cut off from the Digital World in childhood by a well-meaning Hida Chikara, worried about his son getting into “foolish” talk. The Dark Seed children, who also fell victim to similar pressures that Ken did, and lost hope for life unless they could force themselves into that mold.

Takeru: If you want the Digimon to exist, if you believe in that, they will. Just like our feelings...Just like every child having the power to make their dreams come true. Keiko: That's just childish. Daisuke: You all have dreams for the future, don't you? Noriko: Dreams for the future? Takashi: I've forgotten that stuff. Daisuke: No way! You must have one! Takeru: It's nothing to be ashamed of. Takashi: Then, what's your dream? Daisuke: Mine? Mine's a ramen shop. I love ramen! I'll become the world's best ramen maker! Ken: I had no idea... Noriko: Well...actually, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Hikari: Me too. Daisuke: What about you guys? Takashi: A baseball player! Keiko: I really want to be a pastry chef. Hiroshi: When I said I wanted to be a manga artist, everyone laughed, so I gave up... Takashi: We all had aspirations, and at some point we thought that wasn't allowed...But we were wrong, right? Daisuke: Let people say whatever they want! Noriko: You're right, we should be free to dream. Miyako: Not just dreaming. If you work hard, your dreams will surely come true!

Notice something about all of these careers mentioned? They’re all the kind of “overly childish” “wild dream” “undignified” “too simple” kinds of dreams that an average parent might be uncomfortably quick to shoot down because that’s “not good enough”. These are the kids who willingly accepted the Dark Seeds; they, much like Ken, probably grew up under parents who prioritized school performance and other “societally dignified” things that ended up eating away at their happiness.

02 has a lot of different themes, but the one that lies in its undercurrent from start to finish is “so why does a child have to be this way? As long as they still understand what’s important, do they have to be dignified people? Why can’t they just be free to have dreams and be themselves?” And Daisuke and his friends are there specifically to stand up against this mentality, and to remind Ken and the other victims of it that it doesn’t have to be this way -- that it’s okay to be your true self, and be a child, and not succumb to all of those arbitrary, shallow standards people put on you. Even if that means you’re still a bit of a chaotic disaster at the tender age of eleven.

Digimon, in the Adventure and 02 universe, have always been treated like a part of the self (they were literally conceived as a physical manifestation of the soul), but in 02 they gain an extra meaning of representing “the inner, deepest part of yourself that represents your wildest ‘childish’ dreams”. The symbolism of Ken spending the first half of the series trying to reject Wormmon for being “weak” -- in other words, rejecting his own kind-hearted self for not being the kind of “strong” entity he was pressured and groomed into being -- is not lost, nor that of the Dark Seed children gaining partners when they reconnect with their dreams and wishes, nor Oikawa finally, finally meeting his partner when he comes into contact with the past he’d really lost (and especially not the fact that his attempt to reclaim shallow reminders of said childhood involved trying to make his own Digimon).

And notably, the series’s finale (prior to the epilogue) ends not on Daisuke but on Iori, escorting Oikawa to the Digital World despite how completely impossible it would have been for early-series Iori to even entertain the idea, finally coming to truly understand what happened with him and being most personally impacted by his death.

But in any case, where are we with the characters? We’re here to talk about how they’ve grown and developed over the course of the series. Let’s recap:

Daisuke: Started off the series as an abrasive kid with more bark than actual bite, constantly deferring to others and easily deflating, relying on shallow sources of validation like wanting attention from Hikari; gradually gained an ability to identify what was important and put his foot down for it, embraced his forward-thinkingness to reach out to a heavily troubled child as a friend, and ended up surrounded by a friend group that loves and respects him.

Miyako: Started off the series as a shallow, flighty girl with poor control over her emotions and difficulty in appreciating the gravity of things; came to channel her emotional range into empathy for others and compassion, bringing other people together and taking care of them.

Iori: Started off the series as a straight-laced but too principled child who stuck to “rules of what’s right” not only in morality but also in way of acting; started to appreciate the emotional nuances and heart behind why people do what they do and how it’s possible to be more flexible in “doing good”.

Ken: Well, his character arc is pretty obvious, but -- again, while his arc of learning to forgive himself is well-known, less often pointed out is that it centers very heavily on not only having penance but also not being too hung up on the past, and the futility of drowning in self-pity and regret instead of choosing to take responsibility and act more productively going forward.

Takeru: Started off the series as a seemingly mature but deceptively inscrutable character whose duality made him hard to approach; eventually opened up with the help of others and showed a capacity for being more flexible with his personal grudges.

Hikari: Started off the series emotionally repressive and passive to the point of self-destruction; eventually embraced connections with her other friends and became more active in taking a stand for herself.

Hey, not bad!

And, again, this is not a series you should be reading in terms of “self-awareness” in the same way Adventure was, but in the sense of their “relationships” and how they interact with others. By being less abrasive and more assertive, Daisuke gained the respect of his other friends. By putting her emotional capacity into caring about others, Miyako became someone who holds the group together. By learning to think a little more flexibly and be less stubborn, Iori arrived at a position where he could more easily sympathize with others in the group. Takeru and Hikari both moved from their previously relatively inscrutable positions to ones who could more effectively interact with and open up to others. And Ken, of course, became someone who managed to integrate himself into a group of true “friends” despite everything he had done against them in the first half.

This, in the end, is how you get what’s one of the tightest friend groups in Digimon history. In the end, the relationships themselves are almost like characters of their own that got development -- I say very often that you could take two of the characters and have an excellent scope of how they’d interact and play off each other by the end of the series. And although they end the series as possibly one of the most shameless, undignified disaster groups out there...they’re certainly still heroic, and in any case, given the lessons they learned throughout their own series, they probably wouldn’t have it any other way.

#digimon #digimon adventure 02 #shihameta

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luki-fanfic · 4 years ago

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Working on Through the Looking Glass, when this idea came to me. I don’t have time to turn it into a full fic, so enjoy a summary. What if the whole cast of Bakarina ended up doing that ‘Isekai adjacent’ trope of getting their memories of the next several years back?

- So, let’s say in one world, Katarina doesn’t break out of Sirius’s spell, and dies in her sleep. Through insert-your-choice-of-mcguffin-here, they figure out a way to travel through time, planting their memories into their younger selves – so they do, travelling back to the day Geordo first met Katarina. Sirius inadvertently gets thrown along for the ride too, after finding out about the whole thing last minute.

- Geordo greets Katarina with a lot more enthusiasm this time, but remembers Katarina was a lot different before she bumps her head, and is sort of agonising over how he’s going to somehow injure her without instinctively saving her – when Alan tries to interfere.

- Alan does not know about Katarina’s sudden personality change and the necessity of the head injury, and he’s desperate to keep Geordo from getting engaged to Katarina. While they fight and bicker, Katarina falls and injuries her head – BOOM, memories are back.

- When she wakes up, she’s got two princes watching her, both of them trying to convince her that they should take responsibility for her scar. They end up causing such a ruckus, both get kicked out with no engagement.

- While Lady Claes becomes quite proud of her daughter for hooking not one, but two princes, Katarina starts to realise she’s been transported into Fortune Lover...or at least some version of it, since the whole Prince battle wasn’t in the original story.

- She’s only just coming to terms with that reaction, when she gets told she has a visitor. It’s Mary, who ‘heard about her injury’ and wanted to make sure she was okay. This doesn’t raise any flags since she’s at the ‘consideration’ level for Alan’s fiancée, but Katarina is completely thrown at this girl announcing that she’s going to be Katarina’s best friend, and is positively giddy that she isn’t engaged.

- Mary hasn’t even been gone five minutes when they also get a visit from the Ascart siblings, with Sophia bringing books for her while she recovers...and also suggesting that maybe she should consider an engagement with her brother if she’s upset about the bickering Princes.

- By the time the Claes bring in Keith (since even without an engagement in stone it’s clear their baby girl has plenty of prospects), he’s more than a little frustrated that Geordo, Alan and Nicol are all making claims while Mary and Sophia monopolise her time, encouraging her to garden (which Katarina doesn’t understand) or reading (which she does). So he declares quite loudly that none of them are necessary, because he’ll marry Katarina rather than be her brother. No one takes it seriously, but at least his hat is in the ring.

- Within a month, Katarina has thrown out her death flag book, because clearly, the game got some things wrong – none of these characters are acting remotely like she remembers, and all this definitely didn’t happen in the game.

- So, by the time she goes into the local town and stumbles across a woman who has just moved there at the constant begging of her light-magic-using-daughter, Maria? She just throws up her hands, accepts the cookies and decides to enjoy this strange new life surrounded by beautiful people.

- In a different town, the second Sirius gets his memories back? He convinces his mother to up and leave the country, and keeps a very nasty dark magic surprise should his noble ‘mother’ follow.

#My Next LIfe as a villainess #My next life as a villainess fanfiction #fic summary

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yubsie · 4 years ago

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Hand Me Downs

Breha gives Hera baby gifts. Which means she can pass them on to Leia for her child. (AO3 if you prefer)

No one had warned Hera that being a high-ranking member of the Rebel Alliance was going to involve ruffles. She was prepared for overwhelming odds, to risk her life against an enemy who gave no mercy. And in the early days, that was exactly what she got. A lot of sneaking around and flying and getting shot at and wearing a flightsuit . Then she’d worked her way up through the ranks and found herself having to attend formal dinner parties that covered for high-ranking strategy sessions. The perils of being a general.

If she had a choice, she would have gone for formalwear with a bit of slink to it. But her rapidly expanding midsection didn’t lend itself well to that at all. The only dress she’d been able to find in... whatever her current size was took the philosophy that the bump could just blend in with the rest of the floof. Her attendance in her condition would surely fuel all sorts of gossip about her and the man Breha had chosen to sit her next to. Gossip was useful; it meant that everyone was speculating about her personal life instead of what they might actually be discussing. The trouble was it also meant they were speculating about her personal life and the child who hadn’t volunteered for this. It wasn’t even the worst thing to happen this week, but it felt so incredibly alien.

She wished she could talk to Kanan about it. He would have delivered some sort of over-the-top compliment. And then Ezra would have somehow still not noticed. At least she could still hope to explain to a very baffled Ezra where her child had come from.

But neither of them were here. Now she had the new constant figures of her life: Mon Mothma and the Organas. She trusted the high-ranking members of the Alliance; it would be disastrous if she couldn’t. She even liked them quite a bit. They were good people. Friends, even. They just weren’t family, and she wanted so much of that around right now.

Her glass represented their current target in the makeshift map they were drawing up on the dinner table. The fact that she was the only one currently restricted to water set it apart conveniently from the wine glasses representing rebel units. She tapped Bail’s glass. “If we bring the demolitions team in from the west, they’ll have the sanitation droids as cover.” Sabine would be thrilled, she was sure. Garbage had so much artistic merit.

Mon Mothma nodded. “And that will help minimize the collateral damage to the surrounding citizens.”

Ierlin Allston, head of their fledgling public relations department, nodded. “The benefits of that are pretty obvious.”

They probably didn’t need to consider it from the public image perspective. It was enough that it was right. But it was still a useful angle. Anything to win hearts and minds over in the fight against the Empire. While also winning key weapons factories. They had a solid plan that was sure to go out the window and require extensive improvisation, but at least they had something to build on now.

It was also as far as the plan could possibly go before that first engagement with the enemy. They were still waiting on several key intelligence reports Mon Mothma had hoped they would have in time for this session. There hadn’t been a way to postpone the dinner party that wouldn’t attract suspicion when the information. So they would have to fill the remainder of the dinner party with actual dinner party activity. Definitely not Hera’s specialty, that was more for those who had come here from the senatorial side of things.

“General Syndulla, a word?” She didn’t actually know enough about the etiquette of these sorts of parties to know if it was unusual for Breha to break away from her carefully balanced seating arrangement. They’d eaten most of the courses at this point, so perhaps mingling was entirely normal.

At any rate, when the Queen of Alderaan requested a word, one gave a word. She didn’t need to know anything about royal etiquette to realize that much. “Yes, of course.” How was she supposed to address her? They were on friendly terms, and in a flightsuit she would probably address her by name without a second thought. She really was out of her element in all these bolts of fabric. Who had bought out the store to construct this ridiculous dress? “Your Majesty?”

The queen smiled. “It can still be Breha.” She paused. “This is absolutely a personal interaction.”

Hera had almost forgotten what those felt like in recent months. They were always for family, but even the ones she could locate were scattered. Zeb and Kallus came by often, but they had their own work. It was often just her and Sabine, since Ezra vanished. And she didn’t want to put too much pressure on the girl. It wasn’t fair. “It is?”

“You know, Leia was rather unexpected.” It was obvious enough where that was coming from. No one had to be told that she hadn’t planned this. Even if Kanan had lived, they were in the middle of a war, and she still wasn’t quite sure how she was going to balance the baby with all of that. How she was going to keep him safe. He would need her to step back, especially at first, but he would also need a safe galaxy to grow up in. She had to find a way to give him a mother and a future at the same time. It would have been easier if Kanan were here to help. But she’d tried to stop dwelling on things that were well and truly impossible. She had to deal with the situation as it was.

“Wasn’t she adopted?” That was the sort of development one usually tried to plan. It didn’t just happen like having strange symptoms weeks after losing the love of her life and realizing that the Force apparently wanted more little Jedi running around. Or something like that.

Breha laughed warmly. “She was. The last days of the Clone Wars were the strangest.”

She’d only been a child then, but old enough to realize how quickly everything was changing. The galaxy suddenly looked completely different and as dangerous as ever. That was just never going to end, it would seem.

“We had talked about it, but I wasn’t expecting Bail to come home with a baby that day.”

Hera couldn’t even imagine. She was already struggling to prepare for her baby with months of warning. Having one just show up was a logistical nightmare. But she wasn’t sure where this was meant to be going. “You seem to have managed quite well. She’s remarkable.” The princess was involved in more missions of late. And she didn’t disappoint.

“There are... certain advantages to a hereditary home. The attics have more than anyone could possibly use in a lifetime. So it was easy to prepare a nursery.”

That wouldn’t really help on the emotional front, but sometimes logistics were the easiest thing to focus on. Their supplies had never been so well documented as right after the liberation of Lothal.

“I was wondering how you were doing on that front?”

“I...” She’d been trying to figure out how to care for the child. “Our usual suppliers don’t tend to trade in infant goods.”

“That’s what I thought.” She would never have expected a queen to be so practical before she met Breha. But what was government if not a giant exercise in logistics? She’d seen quickly that Princess Leia Organa had not been routinely handed off to nannies. They probably would have attempted to exert some sort of moderating influence to keep her out of the Rebellion. “Bail and I wanted to give you a few items. Some clothing, a travel bassinette. We have more spares than we could ever need. Leia could be a great-great-grandmother before we had to reuse a single item. It will go to so much better use with you, I think.”

“I...” She suddenly pictured items from a royal palace tucked into one of the Ghost’s empty rooms. The image was strange enough to bring laughter instead of the usual sadness at the state of those rooms. “That’s so generous.”

“Alderaan favours simplicity.” Translation: don’t worry, I’m not handing you something jewel encrusted to furnish a freighter. “The craftsmanship is excellent.”

Hera rested her hand on her belly, taking a moment to imagine her future. “He’ll be the most elegantly dressed baby at the spacestop.”

***

No one had warned Leia that victory would involve quite so many Functions. She should have been prepared for them, growing up in a royal palace, but after fighting a war for so long, she’d let herself forget. Now they moved more and more toward an actual government, and she had to learn an old role all over again. She’d gotten used to her days involving more strategy sessions than dinner parties.

Of course, she still had military officers approaching her. They just wore the notoriously unpopular dress uniform now. They had barely had a uniform at all when her parents first let her get involved in the Rebellion. Now there was a dress variant, and the people who wore it had no end of opinions. Even if a general would, of course, never breathe a word about it. “Senator, a word?”

Leia maneuvered herself around carefully. That was the only way she could actually move these days. Her small stature made her increasing bulk feel all the more unwieldy. “Of course, General.”

“It’s really more of a Hera conversation.” They’d known each other too long to always stand on ceremony. Right now, Leia didn’t much care for standing at all. “Can you handle the walk to the Ghost?”

“As long as there are chairs at the end.” At least they had enough history that she could admit that.

Hera nodded and started to lead the way. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” she said almost automatically.

Automatically enough that Hera immediately raised an eyebrow.

“Tired.” It was a completely different brand of exhaustion that the sleepless nights in a battle zone. Not necessarily worse, but unique. She’d never grown a human being before but it was taking more out of her than she was eager to admit. Especially when she was trying to convince her staff she wasn’t an invalid. “Exhausted, really.”

Hera smiled. “It’s like that a lot. I’m not going to lie and say it gets better, but it’s a nice sort of exhausted. Most of the time.”

“How’s your son doing? I hope he’s well.”

“He spent this last deployment with Zeb and Kallus. He’s amazing, even if keeping up with a Force sensitive child is more work than three full starfighter squadrons.”

More of a preview of her life than she meant it to be. Deep in her heart, she knew that was true, but she hadn’t had anyone who’d knowingly experienced that to talk to. She couldn’t have been that bad a child, could she have?

She probably had. “Just regular squadrons, I hope?”

Hera shook her head. “All of them are Rogue Squadron. All of them.” Current reports indicated that the general they were currently attached to was rapidly balding. Also making remarkable progress through former Imperial territory but in utterly exhausting and unexpected ways. “Of course, I don’t really have a non-Force sensitive child to compare him to. Sabine was already a teenager by the time she was in my life.”

She could handle it. At least she had some amount of Force sensitivity herself. Poor Han, she should warn him. Maybe have him talk to Hera, if they could stop arguing about the relative merits of their ships long enough to discuss anything else. This might actually be important enough to manage that.

Hera keyed in the sequence to open up the hatch and led the way into the common area. Which had some remarkably comfortable chairs. Well chosen. Maybe she could get Han to install something like this on the Falcon. At the very least she had to find out where these cushions came from. Maybe she could even sneak one for the next Function...

Once she was suitably settled to relieve her overtaxed feet, Hera tried several times to open a conversation. Finally, she managed, “It can be hard to stop thinking about who you desperately want to be there, with a child.”

Leia’s hand drifted to her belly. “Han’s the important part.” She’d worried a lot when he was off dealing with Kashyyyk. But he was back now and ready to be part of their son’s life. It wasn’t like what Hera had had to deal with when her son was born. She had so many others around her, it wasn’t fair to wish for the things she couldn’t have.

“A baby can never have too much family. The whole crew helped me with Jacen.” She reached over and took Leia’s hand. “And so did two people who would be the most delighted grandparents anyone could ask for.”

Hormones were completely unfair. She was a senator; she couldn’t go crying like this. “I keep thinking of all the traditions I always thought any child of mine would participate in.” There was a lot involved with being the heir to the throne of Alderaan. For all that she’d complained, she couldn’t have imagined back then things going another way. Her child wouldn’t be the heir to anything— only a field of rubble.

“I had no idea what I was going to do without Kanan. But your parents were so kind to me.” She’d been busy with her own missions and a certain amount of teenaged tunnel blindness, but she did remember General Syndulla being around more often in the months leading up to the Battle of Yavin. She’d assumed it was all about the Rebel Alliance getting more established and the longtime leaders having more work to do. But of course, a pregnancy would change the day to day activities of a general. For all that she told her staff she wasn’t an invalid, she did occasionally have to slow down.

“They were always like that.” That was why it hurt so much. The galaxy needed people who were that kind. She tried to carry on their legacy, but she could only do so much. It would never be enough.

Hera pulled two crates forward and opened the first to reveal an assortment of baby clothes. She handed Leia the top onesie to examine. It wasn’t the sort of clothes she would have expected an active rebel to pick out, but these must be Jacen’s old things. They didn’t get a lot of babies in the Rebellion, after all. She ran her hand over the fabric. “This is beautiful.” It almost felt like rannasilk. But the only place to get that was... “It can’t be...”

Hera handed her another piece of clothing. The same craftsmanship. The same material. “Your mother said she had more than she could ever dream of using.”

“I remember. We had more than we could ever need, but no sense letting perfectly good things sit by, even if they were a little bit too luxurious.” It wasn’t what most people expected of royalty. But Alderaan wasn’t like anywhere else in the galaxy.

“She told me you could be a great grandmother before they ever had to reuse any baby things.” And then all of that had gone to waste when Tarkin said fire. Except for these boxes.

Leia held the onesie to her heart. Any connection at all.

“The other crate is a few items of furniture. I assume you have something permanent set up at home, but they knew I was mostly going to be travelling.” Settling down only became a real possibility for any of them in the past year. And even that was slow going. “It would make a good shipboard nursery.”

She’d been surprised that Han was willing to make changes to the Falcon. Putting in a galley. If he’d do that for her, surely their baby would also be worth it. They weren’t going to leave any permanent marks, and there was that strange room that Lando kept referring to as his cape closet. There wasn’t much in there but junk now. They could sort through all of that and make space for the baby. Space for... she opened the crate.

A perfectly crafted travel bassinette. Just like she would have slept in for all but her very first trip to Alderaan. Artfully carved, solid craftsmanship. Though the straps attached inside didn’t look at all Alderaanian. A practical addition, but added with respect for the aesthetic. She tugged on them. Solid, that would keep a baby from going anywhere even if his father decided it was a good idea to go into an asteroid field. But also quite lovely.

“That was Sabine’s work. Alderaanian royal politics don’t tend to quite rival an active rebellion for excitement.”

“If you go far enough in our history...” There was a reason Alderaanian royals had found themselves drawn to rebellion. She’d like to think it was all about justice. But they didn’t come from a tradition of sitting quietly, no matter what her tutors had tried to convince her of at the time. “I hope they’re never necessary.”

“That’s what we all hope for our children. And we actually have a chance at giving it to them, thanks to the work your parents started.” Started. They’d all continued it. And now, her child would have more of a link to that than she’d ever dreamed.

“I don’t know how to thank you enough for this gift.” She didn’t expect anything from family for the next generation. It would have been a foolish hope. That was all lost years ago in the worst moment of her life. Except, it seemed, this one gift. Because her parents had taken the time to care for someone else. They couldn’t have known this would come back to her; they were expecting her to use the rest of the excess in the palace’s vast storage.

She would have to teach her child to be like them. Dreaming cradled in this gift they didn’t know they were giving him.

#hera syndulla #leia organa #breha organa #fanfiction #kanera #well in the past tense #i'm still a couple fics behind crossposting #apparently i must fill the breha and hera tag myself #challenge accepted #pregnancy

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levisnackajack · 4 years ago

Text

The Wrath of War

Chapter Seventeen

“We’ll get through this,” Eren had said, pulling his friends into a tight, group hug. Eden nodded, the muffled voices around her slowly slowly becoming sharper and clearer.

Where was she?

“You, Mikasa, Eden and I. We’ll join the Scout Regiment and fight for the sea. We’ll fight for the taste of freedom. And then when that day comes, we’ll sit together and reminisce about all the tough times we’ve gone through just to get to that moment,” Armin replied softly as they pulled away.

Each child had a flame in their eyes. Two pairs of crystal blue eyes, a duo of onyx jewels as well as another pair of honey-colored eyes that glinted with a shade of emerald. After the horrors they had witnessed that day in Shiganshina; the deaths that had cracked through each crevice of their bones; they had vowed to fight until death grabbed their hand.

Eden felt drowsy as the world around her slowed down and the faces of her friends grew blurry. She looked around to see the atmosphere change, those distant voices that rang at the back of her mind growing more realistic.

“Hey, Eden, I brought you an apple. Well, honestly, Connie made me give it up. I actually really wanted to eat that apple...-”

Slap

“Ouch, sorry. Scratch that, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just joking, hehe,” Sasha rambled on, rubbing her arm as she rolled her eyes at Connie’s irked stare.

Velveteen lashes fluttered opened gradually; the immediate light burning her pupils. Eden hissed, shutting her eyes once more as she came to her senses at a dreadfully slow pace. She caught sight of the familiar layout vividly resembling the medical quarters situated at their base.

Two light gasps bounced through the air. Her bed shifted under moving weight and once she took a deep breath; Eden managed to open one eye.

Sasha and Connie stared at her through comically wide eyes. The girl blinked slowly at them, raising a weak hand to touch her pounding temple.

“What...happened?”

The duo exchanged glances and Sasha swallowed thickly. Connie bounced on his heels before clearing his throat and rubbing the back of his neck.

“You got severely injured on the battlefield. Safe to say, you were this close to being squeezed to death,” Connie pinched his fingers together, indicating the lack of space between his index and his thumb finger. “You’ve been out cold for the past couple of days, on IV’s and stuff, I don’t know.”

Eden tried sitting up, but the weight of her tattered body pleaded her to remain still. “What do you mean I’ve been ‘out cold for the past couple of days’? What about Armin? He was with me, is he okay? And the rest, where are they?” The words trickled out through her lips like a mellow waterfall.

Sasha sent her a wary smile, placing her hand over hers against the warm blanket. “Everyone from our team is healthy and safe. Unfortunately, we can’t say the same about Hange’s squad. She lost a couple of her comrades during the battle.” She lowered her eyes as she spoke, bottom lip quivering.

Eden let go of a slow sigh, the movement causing her lungs to burn up and swell against her heart. She palmed the fabric of her blanket in between her fingers. “Shit. Was the mission a failure then? Did we manage to secure the sighting hotspot?”

Both of her comrade-friends shook their heads glumly. Connie spoke up.

“We came back to help Hange’s team after seeing that separation would only make things worse. Captain Levi shot the final flare at the sight of literally a dozen titans heading our way. We just didn’t have enough manpower to push through all of them; especially since your team was already completely ambushed. No one expected it to be that bad...”

Eden stayed silent as she tried to process his words. Her brain racked against her skull as she thought about all the pain and suffering her fallen comrades had experienced right before their lives were ripped out of their bodies by the vile, humanoid creatures. It made her blood boil and her lip quiver.

“How did you manage to pull me out of the titan’s grasp? I can’t remember much except how peaceful I began feeling when I finally closed my eyes...I thought I was dead...”

“We’re so happy you’re not, Eden. What happened was...-”

“Excuse me, leave the poor girl to rest,” the familiar voice of the assigned nurse made her two friends jump out of their skin. She ushered them both out in an irritated voice before walking back to Eden.

“Can you please tell me what’s wrong with me? When can I join my team back on the field...-”

“Not anytime soon, dear. You should be grateful you’re not currently six-feet under. Your lungs collapsed due to the pressure, so you’ll be sticking to bedrest for the time being until it gets better. Don’t look at me like that, I told you, it could’ve been worse. There was some internal bleeding that we stopped once you arrived, what else...ah yes, you’re lucky...this time, you managed to fracture just two ribs!” The nurse told her, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose as she spoke.

Eden refrained from the need to roll her eyes at her and involuntarily winced instead at the sudden pains in her chest. The medic assured her that this would happen often until her internal organs heal with the help of medication, rest and the will to live.

Deep down, through all the trauma her body underwent that day; Eden’s mind was fixed on one tiny thought that seemed to devour her entire soul; would Captain Levi come and visit her?

The day’s hours quickly trickled by as Eden spent it dealing with constant visits, naps and by sulking and glaring at the ceiling. She begged the nurse to give her something to numb the pain; but the older woman had assured her that she will do so after dinner.

Eden didn’t even have enough energy to snap back at her.

The sun began settling, bringing in a warm, orange shade into the infirmary. The rays grazed against Eden’s blanket, caressing her skin softly as her body began to ache. Mikasa had just left, bidding her a good night after helping Eden bathe.

The injured girl felt like such a nuisance and begged her friend multiple times to leave, stating she could manage on her own. But Mikasa being Mikasa; never left her side. Her nurse finally injected her with a large dose of painkillers, assuring her that they would stop the pain for at least a couple of long hours. She had also told her that they would make her feel sleepy and droopy. Eden merely nodded and thanked her for the medication.

Now, tightly wrapped up in her warm duvet, the charcoal-haired girl counted the each clock tick; completely bored out of her mind. She didn’t feel like the medicine had kicked in yet; but the nurse had reassured her that it could take some time for them to kick in and knock her out. Her eye twitched at the sound of the door gently opening.

A tender smile crept up on her face as he made his way towards her bed.

“Hi, Jeanie-boy,” she greeted him softly, tilting her head towards him against the pillow.

His expression was strained and that remained intact when he sent her a smile, pulling her hand into his. “Hi, darling. How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better, but I’ll manage. Can’t get rid of me that quickly now, can you?”

He let go of a gentle huff, his thumb rubbing circles against her soft skin. Eden bit her lip, brows lacing together slightly. He remained silent, staring down at their interlinked fingers.

“Something is wrong. Talk to me,” she urged him gently, squeezing his hand with her palm.

Jean pursed his lips tightly; clenching his jaw tightly as contemplation painted against his tense face. “Do you remember what happened...that day?”

Eden’s own expression grew more rigid as she tried her best to call back any memories she had. She released an exasperated sigh, sinking deeper into the pillow.

“I’m sorry Jean. I really can’t remember much. My horse threw me off the saddle; Armin came back for me...we ran towards the horses and then a titan just grabbed me. That’s all I recall.”

Jean bit his lip before running a hand across his face; shifting against her mattress. She watched him silently, afraid that if she pushed him; he’d snap at her. And she wanted Jean to open up on his own terms.

“I feel like I can’t really do this anymore, Eden.”

Her almond eyes grew larger, lips parting in wonder. “Can’t do what, Jean? What’s going on?”

The boy only shook his head in response, eyes betraying how deep in thought he was. Eden’s heart clenched uneasily.

“I can’t just share you. It’s not right and I don’t feel good knowing I can’t have you all to myself.”

His confession hung in the air heavily. Jean watched her carefully as she tried understanding his words. But, to no avail.

“I-I don’t understand. What are you talking about?”

Jean pinched the bridge of his nose before saying, “You’ll understand what I’m telling you on your own terms. I’m sorry it has to go down this way. You mean so much to me, Chiasa. And I can fully understand the situation you’re in right now. The confusion and all. I’ve been in that position. Which is why I’m trying to help you make things easier- even if nothing makes sense to you right now.”

Eden placed her other hand over his, grazing the skin on the back of his palm reassuringly. She listened intently to each word; feeling her heart crack just a little bit.

“I don’t want to lose you, Jean.”

The boy made a face, leaning in closer towards the resting girl. “Psh, who said anything about losing anyone? There’s no way in hell you’ll lose me, Eden; you can trust me on that. Otherwise, you can write a letter to my mother and tell her how embarrassed I was when she sent me that stuffed plush bear and you were the one who caught me with it.”

The memory made Eden laugh, her eyes crinkling at the edges as Jean’s own brown eyes twinkled down at her.

“That’s a deal.”

Jean leaned in closer, pressing his warm, plush lips against Eden’s forehead. She closed her eyes, taking in his scent that seemingly overwhelmed her entirely. Everything with him was so cozy, definite and practically perfect. It was such a stark juxtaposition to the feelings the man with steely, blank eyes sparked within her.

“But, just because I’ve decided to let you go now, does not mean I will not keep trying,” he muttered when pulling away. Eden sent him a toothy grin that was masked with a layer of grimness once her question slammed against her brain.

“Can you tell me what happened after I blacked out?”

Jean’s eyes darkened as he looked down at their hands. He gritted his teeth, craning his neck to the side before meeting her curious gaze.

“I...I was the one who saved you.” He hesitated for a moment, but continued nevertheless. “When all went to shit and the Captain shot the terminated mission flare; I made my way back to you. I don’t know what it was, but I just knew that something was wrong. I found Armin charging at the bastard that had grabbed you, aiming for its wrist tendon but...I managed to slice its nape seconds before you were going to land in its mouth. It was a miracle, really. If I was even a millisecond late; you would have...died.”

Eden felt like the air was knocked out of her bruised lungs. She looked away, realization creeping down her spine as she thought back to how close she was to death. Only to be saved and gifted with another chance at life. She suppressed a yawn, her lids growing heavier.

Jean released an empty, humorless laugh; shaking his head at the memories that flashed before his eyes. “And then, when I got to you...you said his name.” He stood abruptly, gently laying Eden’s hand back against the softness of the duvet as she watched him sleepily; her mind overpowered by the drug previously injected into her bloodstream to tend to the pains.

She was drowning in so many questions, but felt like she didn’t have enough time to answer them for herself. She called for Jean gently; earning a sweet, supple smile from the boy as he gazed down at her. His head snapped towards the entrance and immediately, his expression contorted into one filled with deep-rooted vexation.

“Out of everyone within the walls; why him?” Jean muttered under his breath- a question devoted more to himself rather than the dazed girl on the brink of slumber. He bid her a good night and went his separate way.

Eden groaned in response, her lids completely slipping shut by the time the sound of approaching boots had reached her ears.

Tags: @idiot-juice-enthusiast @hadassackerman

Thank you for all the support!! xx

Link to the story in AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28919136/chapters/70952145

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 4 years ago

Note

Who you should fight: Game of Thrones Edition

Your wish is my command, Anon.

JON: Damn, you really do aim high. If you want to fight Jon Snow, there's nothing really stopping you. He wouldn't want to fight you, but he would accept your challenge honorably. Perhaps you would win, perhaps you wouldn't. Jon doesn't really like violence. He was victorious in the battle of the bastards, but only with the Knights of the Vale showing up at the eleventh hour. And he would have given his life to the Army of the Dead if Benjen hadn't shown up to save him. So you might win, it's possible. Just be prepared for the Starks to send their regards if you do. With Bran's visions, there would be nowhere you could hide. With Arya's faces, you'd never know she was coming.

SANSA: Look, it's not exactly wise to fight a Queen. Something to keep in mind going forward. You would almost certainly defeat Sansa, since she has almost no experience in actual fighting, but that doesn't mean your troubles would be over. Expect the Starks, the Northerners, the Knights of the Vale, and Brienne to rise up and hunt you down. So if you want to fight her, be prepared to run for the rest of your life. But really, why would you ever want to fight her in the first place? Between Cersei, Joffrey, Ramsay, and Littlefinger, hasn't the poor woman been through enough? If you go through with this, you'll be fighting a sexual assault survivor. Think about that for a second. And then don't fight Sansa.

BRAN: Okay, okay, how about you just don't? This isn't about whether or not you should fight Bran, because to be honest - you can't. Bran is gone. Everybody forgets this but Bran is effectively dead by Season 7. So no, you couldn't fight Bran if you tried. All you could do is fight the Three Eyed Raven, and seven hells, why would you ever want to do that? Could you kill him? Maybe. He can always see you coming, but he doesn't carry weapons and he's paralyzed from the waist down. But who are you, the Night King? If you kill Bran, the world ends and the long night begins. Don't be The Night King. Don't fight Bran.

ARYA: Ahahaha...sure, go ahead. If you've got some sort of death wish, feel free to try and fight Arya Stark. I'd give some line about how the Starks would come after you but frankly, it wouldn't come to that. Arya wouldn't be in any danger and they'd be well aware. You do know this is the girl who slayed the Night King, right? The one who single-handedly wiped out House Frey? Realistically, the fight isn't even going to happen unless she's in the mood. If she is, expect her to toy with you for about ten minutes before running you through with Needle. If she isn't, then you won't ever even see her. You'll just get a knife in the back from whatever face she's wearing.

DAVOS: Seriously? You're going to fight an innocent old man who doesn't even have all his fingers? What are you hoping to gain from doing so? Does beating up old men give you satisfaction? Well, it shouldn't - unless we're talking about Pycelle. But we're not, so put those weapons away! Look, if you choose to fight Davos, you're very likely to win the fight. And in doing so, I suppose you could reunite him with his son and his surrogate daughter in the afterlife. But just do not fight Davos under any circumstances. For goodness' sake, what did he ever do to you?

THEON: In terms of physical combat, you could probably win this fight. Theon isn't shown to be nearly as strong as his sister, and he's also suffering from PTSD. So there's a very good chance that you could defeat him. But Yara is going to literally cut you into pieces if you do. With everything Theon has been through, don't you think he's suffered enough for his actions? Ramsay tortured him so much that he forgot who he was for a while. He castrated and flayed Theon. Kept him as a slave for three years. And even now, Theon is still recovering from what he went through. He still hates himself for betraying Robb. Just let the poor man heal in peace, won't you?

YARA: Go ahead, fight Yara. She's not exactly the nicest person, so she could use a good wake-up call or two. Her only real redeeming quality is that she loves her brother. On the other hand, she's Ironborn so she might just enjoy the fight. There's also the question of whether or not you would win, or even escape with your life. To which I say - don't expect anything. Yara is ruthless, and she doesn't play fair. She commands the Iron Fleet and they're loyal to her. This woman was her Uncle's prisoner. I think it goes without saying that she's tough. I doubt you could win the fight, but feel free to try.

SANDOR: This is the only character that would probably enjoy the fight, so go ahead and spar a little with Sandor Clegane. Don't actually hurt him, because he's obviously been through enough. But enjoy a nice, friendly bout with the guy and let him get off some steam. Of course, I say that under the assumption that you COULD harm Sandor. The guy came close to beating Brienne, and his final Clegane Bowl with Gregor ended in a draw. Plus he's like...huge. So not a good chance at winning. Even if you use his weakness, fire...well, he's won a trial by combat where fire was involved. Don't be a jerk, don't kill Sandor. You'll wind up on Arya's list for sure.

BRIENNE: To be honest, you aren't going to defeat Brienne unless you have exceptional skill and training in combat, and even then. The odds aren't in your favor. She's packing Valyrian Steel, and some heavy armor as well. Has Brienne ever lost a fight onscreen? I don't believe she has. Her weaknesses are emotional, not physical. In a fight, you don't stand much of a chance. Especially if she's trying to protect someone she cares about or honor a vow. That's her berserk button, so don't mention oaths. Or Jaime. Or Sansa. Really, Brienne is one of the most wonderful people in this entire series so why would you want to? Hang out with her instead.

GENDRY: This one is just a bad idea overall. The dude has all the skills of Sandor, without any of the discipline that Brienne has. Remember how the Rebellion was what Robert referred to as his glory days? How he ousted an entire dynasty because they had offended him? The Baratheons are known for their uncontrollable tempers, and we haven't seen much of this in Gendry, but it's there. Put a war-hammer in his hands, and you will never be safe. Just look at the guy. Have you seen how buff he is? Besides, Arya would definitely kill you, even if Gendry doesn't. He's such a sweet, upstanding guy to begin with. I don't understand why you would even want to. Don't fight Gendry.

JAIME: I suppose you could. The guy only has one hand now, so in terms of combat prowess, you would probably win the fight itself. Assuming Brienne doesn't get to you first. Either way, expect to deal with Brienne, and that's not someone you want coming after you with a vengeance. Even if you defeat Brienne, you still aren't in the clear. Tyrion may not be one for physical fights, but rest assured the man will make you pay for harming his brother. Someday, when you least expect it, you will pay. To be fair, Jaime does have some crimes he needs to answer for, but he also saved King's Landing. Really, just don't fight him. He already feels badly enough about his past.

CERSEI: Always fight Cersei. Always fight Cersei. This shouldn't need to be explained. Think about everything that she's done. All the people whose lives she ruined. Whatever terrible fate you can inflict is one that she deserves. Yes, she's pregnant, but don't forget - the witch in Season 5 warned her that she would only ever have three children. That baby isn't going to live no matter what happens. I suppose you'd have to get rid of Gregor Clegane first, so bring Sandor with you for a double knock-out. Other than that, I don't see anyone coming to Cersei's defense. That's just how awful she is. Jaime might try, but I think Brienne and Tyrion would be able to restrain him. Yeah, just. Just fight Cersei.

TYRION: Damn, why would you want to fight Tyrion? So he made a few judgment calls that turned out poorly. He was always trying to do the right thing, and all of his decisions were well-reasoned. His entire life has been constant suffering. Do you really want to add onto that? Well, if you insist, you'll almost certainly win the fight. Being half the size of the average man and consuming alcohol on a daily basis would render Tyrion one of the physically weakest characters on the show. You could probably get away with it as well. I mean, Jaime would come after you, and hell hath no fury like a Lannister scorned. But like I said, he's not the strongest either. Just watch out for that golden hand.

DAENERYS: Should you fight Dany? I suppose it depends on your point of view. She's definitely committed monumental crimes, but she's also saved countless people. You have to ask yourself if such a divisive person deserves to live or not. Really, we could argue that point until the cows come home. The real question is - could you fight her? Ultimately, the answer is yes...if you get close enough. You'd have to get past her armies first, but once you do, she has no experience in direct combat whatsoever. An easy kill. That you could celebrate for ten seconds before Grey Worm or Drogon rip you apart. You can only ever tie with Daenerys, there's no winning.

MISSANDEI: Stop, stop right there. What are you thinking? You know this is how we got S8E5, right? This is what pushed Dany over the edge, so, just consider that for a moment. What would possess you to ever wish pain on such an innocent soul? Missandei deserves the world. She deserves to be free and happy. And you want to fight her? Go ahead. If you could actually land a blow or two, you might win rather quickly. But Grey Worm will rip you limb from limb before that happens, if Dany doesn't issue an angry "Dracarys" first. Actually, if they don't get there, then I will personally climb through the screen myself and fight you for threatening her. She is the purest of cinnamon rolls.

EURON: I will literally pay you to fight him. The man is begging for a punch in the face.

#Game of Thrones #Jon Snow #Arya Stark #Sansa Stark #Tyrion Lannister #Daenerys Targaryen #Jaime Lannister #Cersei Lannister #Brandon Stark #Ser Davos Seaworth #Yara Greyjoy #Theon Greyjoy #Brienne of Tarth #Sandor Clegane #Gendry Baratheon #Missandei of Naath

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cottage-babe · 4 years ago

Text

Burning Scars part VII

Previous | Chapter 7 | Next

Masterlist

not me studying ATLA maps when i should be studying for school oml

Summary: Y/n, a werewolf from a hidden village, comes across Zuko and Iroh after being exiled. How has fate intertwined the wolf into the avatar’s destiny?

MENTIONS OF BLOOD

*****this chapter takes place at Season 2 Episode 12*****

___

Oh boy... this is so rough.

It was quite crazy how everything could tumble down hill so quickly.

After the teen’s fight at the Misty Palms Oasis, Y/n and Zuko refused to talk to one another. It was a constant, petty competition between them; waiting to see who would crack first. It was astonishing how Iroh managed to keep himself collected when the two children he looked over were in a silent battle.

Iroh’s club had (thankfully) fetched the trio’s Ostrich-Horses from the stables and collected all of their things. After saying their thanks to the White Lotus, they hopped onto the saddles of their rides and set off toward their next town; Ba Sing Se.

Y/n refused to share seats with Zuko as she had previously and tried to convince Iroh to see her point of view. The uncle had shut-down her idea at first, but when noticing her ‘persistence,’ he agreed and let her ride on the back of his saddle. ‘Persistence,’ of course, being her threats of walking beside them and slowing down their estimated week-long trip. Ahh, the power of time.

They had wanted to go straight through the desert to save the days that it would take them to go around it, but the citizens of the desert advised against it. The Wi Shong Desert was impossible to cross. It would be unbearably hot, their water would disappear quickly, and it was easy to get lost when your surrounded by identical mounds of sand. Not wanting to take a chance, the trio followed the directions and traveled the edge of the taunting desert.

This new path was preferred by Y/n, as she didn’t have the appropriate coverings for the heat like the two men did. They were returning to the same terrain that they were in before, the foresty-rocky one. The werewolf was definitely more comfortable with this change.

The days passed slowly.

Iroh and Y/n talked a bit, but not as much as they had before. Of course, it wasn’t like they were mad at each other or anything, it was just that the tension between the two teens were still present and it made things... awkward. The werewolf didn’t want Zuko to hear her talk about things because it might give him the impression that she grew comfortable with him again when she 100% was not. Zuko never talked much, but now there was an ever-present scowl embedded on his face. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

When night came, the tension was even worse. They would sit, eat, drink, all in silence. Iroh, being the wonderful person that he was, tried to chisel at the quiet, but either neither would answer or one would release a snarky comment.

After the first couple of days, Y/n’s anger and annoyance had eased slightly. She wasn’t even mad at him anymore for what he had done, the only thing that continued to irk her was the fact that he never apologized. He never admitted that he was wrong or that he understood her reaction. Zuko just continued on with the trip acting like she was in the wrong.

There was one night in particular that set her off once again.

They were unpacking the food that they had; the supply was dwindling. Of course, the trio had enough to last them the entire trip, but the sight of their food becoming so minimal was affecting their morals. At least, it was for Zuko.

The boy made it his very job to complain about their supply almost every second. Iroh and Y/n learned to tune out his whines and pouts, but then he said something that triggered her anger.

The werewolf couldn’t even fully remember the words that he said, but the idea still lingered in her mind.

“Maybe we should quit wasting our food on dead-weight like Y/n.”

She honestly could’ve just let it go like she had done with everything else he had said. Perhaps it was the traveling that lowered her tolerance, but those words set her off the edge.

Y/n had stood up from her seated position around the campfire and glared at Zuko. Then, she simply turned around and left. No words exited her mouth, no reassurance that she was coming back, absolutely nothing. Iroh had jumped up from his seat and asked her where she was going, but he didn’t receive an answer. Just the silent crunching of her feet on the dirt path and her silhouette disappearing into the trees.

It wasn’t until twenty minutes later that the girl returned.

Her appearance was shaggy; her clothes were obviously put on lazily and her hair was slightly messed up. The one thing that was most prominent, however, was the very dead rabbit resting in her grip.

Blood was leaking from it into her hands and some of it was smeared on her face. She was still irritated as she skinned and cooked the animal across the fire; her glare piercing through the top of the flames straight into Zuko’s eyes. Y/n shared the meat with Iroh that night and he seemed glad to have some real food for once.

She felt as though she earned some respect after that night.

For the rest of the trip, Zuko didn’t complain as much. He didn’t say things that would purposely get on her nerves, he just remained silent. Not one word left him again.

His silence really helped Y/n get the time she needed to think. She thought about those feeling that she had for him in the flower shop, but she couldn’t see herself as that person anymore; as that love-sick teenager. It’s not who she is, it never was. It must’ve been the vulnerability that Zuko offered her; she fell for the soft side of him, a side that isn’t Zuko. They both had let down their guard and look where it got them; not even on speaking terms.

It was relieving when they made it to the boarding docks that would bring them to the gates of Ba Sing Se. They were at an underground place, a cave from the looks of it. There were many people formed in lines or waiting with their baggage beside them. All the way across the cove, there was a large wall stretched to each side. Y/n assumed that there was water hiding behind it.

Before they entered the docks (Full Moon Bay, as Iroh had called it), the trio tied their Ostrich-Horses to some stables and gathered their things. While the boys put on their bags and such, Y/n stood in front of their rides.

“Thank you,” she whispered and smoothed back both of their feathers. “You’ve done so much for us, I wish we could repay you.”

Their two steeds looked down at her with a look that showed their understanding of her words. But their expressions revealed something else too; like their was something she could do. She honestly didn’t know what it was, not until they began walking away from the stables.

“So, are we going to be coming back? What’s gonna happen to the Ostrich-horses?” Y/n asked just as her eyes saw the interior of Full Moon Bay.

Iroh shrugged his shoulders. “They will possibly be handed over to other travelers. We don’t have a use for them anymore; when someone goes to Ba Sing Se, they hardly ever leave.”

Y/n stopped walking as the words hit her. Quickly, she turned around and shouted to the duo about forgetting to get something. It wasn’t a great excuse, but she needed to do one last thing before she started her new life here.

She had talked to Iroh privately before they started on their trip to Ba Sing Se. He told her how Zuko and him were planning to stay there for a long time or at least until everything died down. Iroh gave her permission to leave whenever she wanted, but said that he and Zuko would love it if she stayed with them. Y/n, at the time, almost considered leaving because of the situation with the other teen in the group. She had spent a couple days thinking about it; about the pros and cons, the risks that she would be taking, etc. In the end, she decided that staying in the boy’s company could benefit her, especially if Ba Sing Se was as wonderful as everyone else made it out to be. If anything, she could leave their group when they made it inside the walls; if she really wanted to.

But she still needed to do this one thing first.

Y/n ran back to the stables and looked for their animals. There were quite a few there, but she quickly found the ones that she had been riding for the last week. They seemed happy to see her and she felt the same toward them; she finally understood what they needed from her.

The werewolf untied their straps and removed the saddles from their backs.

Then, she brought them to the edge of the forest, away from traveler’s eyes. Without a word, Y/n let them go out into the wilderness, free of the restricting fabrics that the humans had put on them. They almost didn’t run at first, just staring at her with large eyes, but after a moment they walked into the trees and their silhouettes blended with the shadows.

Y/n let out a sigh. She felt really good.

Quickly, she ran back to the entrance of the Bay and met up with Iroh and Zuko. The uncle greeted her while the boy just ignored her presence and continued walking. They followed Iroh to one of the lines and waited, explaining that they needed to get their passports checked first.

Y/n was pouting the entire time. She wasn’t used to waiting in long human lines; she didn’t see the point of it. Why didn’t they just get more people to look at their documents so everything would go by faster?

Both her travel buddies were silent the entire wait and she was fine with it. Y/n spent her time people-watching; something that she found herself doing quite often. She excused herself by saying that she needed to ‘study the human culture,’ but in reality she just found it interesting. There were so many types of people around; some with large amounts of luggage, big families, even a group of bald people wearing yellow and holding a stick! There were so many interesting characters here.

Finally, they made it to the front of the line.

A woman checked their passports, then handed them three tickets with a stamp. They each took one of the papers and headed over to the large wall that towered over the people.

There was a man there that asked for their tickets and directed them toward a very large boat. It marveled Y/n. She had heard stories of these large things that could float on water, but seeing it in person was something else.

How can this hold a bunch of people?

The werewolf had paused in her spot to think this and Zuko, who was walking behind her, shoved her shoulder as he pushed passed her.

“Watch it, you’re in the way.”

She huffed and crossed her arms. Iroh placed a hand on her should for comfort before he kept walking to catch up with his nephew. Y/n was getting a little sick of all this.

They walked across a board and entered the ferry. They were told to stay on the top deck until they landed at the boarders of Ba Sing Se. Y/n trailed behind the boys as they looked for a spot empty enough for them to rest; eventually settling near a railing on the side of the boat.

A kind lady went around the ship passing bowls of food to each passenger; the trio being included. Before Y/n took a sip, however, she looked over the edge into the the deep blue water. They were very high up.

“We’re going really fast.” She thought aloud.

Iroh joined her on the railing and looked at the water, ignoring her random words. “Who would have thought after all these years, I'd return to the scene of my greatest military disgrace,” he shut his eyes as he paused. “As a tourist!”

Y/n let out a small laugh at the old man’s silly words. But then, of course, Zuko had to come and ruin it.

“Look around. We're not tourists, we're refugees.” He said as he move to stand on her other side.

“Lighten up, Zuko.” Y/n replied while her eyes stayed on lake in front of her. Maybe she’d be able to see a fish jump out!

She could feel the boy glaring at the side of her head, but she chose to ignore it, just like she did when he would complain before. She heard Zuko take a sip of his bowl before spitting it out dramatically. “Ugh! I'm sick of eating rotten food, sleeping in the dirt. I'm tired of living like this!”

The werewolf rolled her eyes, but set the bowl down on the deck, taking his reaction to the food into consideration. I think I can wait until we make it to the city.

“Aren't we all?”

The trio turned around from their positions on the rail and saw three teens, all about the same age as Y/n and Zuko. One stood closer to the front, a boy, about the same height as Zuko, but with shaggier hair. He had a smirk etched across his face and a plant stuck out from between his teeth.

“My name's Jet,” The boy explained as he walked out from the covers that the Ferry had set up. He extended his hand behind him. “And these are my Freedom Fighters, Smellerbee and Longshot.”

Behind him, the two teens let out a greeting. Well, the shorter one did, but the tall, mysterious guy just nodded his head. Zuko let out a small "hello" while Y/n waved politely. This was the first time she personally met another set of human teens.

The first boy, Jet, began to walk up to Zuko as he spoke. "Here's the deal. I hear the captain's eating like a king while the refugees have to feed off his scraps. Doesn't seem fair, does it?"

Zuko wasn't answering the kid, wasn't even looking at him anymore, so Y/n almost did all of them a favor and declined the boy's advances for her travel buddies, but Iroh spoke before she could.

"What sort of king is he eating like?" The uncle asked. Y/n rolled her eyes; that's not what she expected him to say.

"The fat, happy kind." He smirked at Iroh before turning his attention back to Zuko. "Want to help us 'liberate' some food?"

The werewolf tugged on Iroh's sleeve. "I really don't think this is a good idea."

Trust her, if her instincts were telling them not to, then they really shouldn't. She knew all about stealing food (especially from the humans), but something was off about Jet. She didn't want her group getting mixed up with the "freedom fighters" if they didn't have to. All they had to do was wait until the next morning to buy food from the city.

Y/n looked at Zuko and met his eyes. She was pleading silently, don't.

But the boy didn't listen to her. He threw his bowl out into the water and turned toward the group of teens.

"I'm in."

Y/n placed her hand on her forehead in exasperation. Of course he would do his own thing. She decided to settle for glaring at Jet's welcoming smile.

The strange boy seemed to feel her eyes and turned to look at her.

"Don't worry, princess, we'll bring your boyfriend back in one piece." Jet spoke once Zuko made his way over to the group.

Y/n and Zuko both scoffed at his words. Jet looked between them quickly while his smirk grew.

"Ohh… I see." The boy took a step toward her. "Why don't you come too? I could use another lookout."

Y/n crossed her arms. Lookout?

Just as she was about to voice her opinion, Zuko stopped Jet's advancements with a stuck-out hand.

"She's not coming with us." Zuko looked at her sternly. "Stay here and watch my Uncle."

Y/n was about to let out a sarcastic comment, or even something slightly mean to say that he can't control her, but there was something about his eyes that made her rethink it. He seemed… cautious? Maybe he can see how shady these teens really are.

"Fine, but if you get caught, don't expect us to come and save you."

With that, she turned on her heel and faced the lake once again, hearing the four receding footsteps as they walked away.

The werewolf folded her arms and placed her head on them with a sigh. She really shouldn't be worried about Zuko, especially since they weren't on the best terms at the moment, but her heart couldn't help it. They had made it so far and it could all be ruined with this act of rebellion. Not to mention, if he let her go with him, Y/n could protect him if he needs it. Zuko has his bending, but that could only get him so far. She was trained for fighting.

"You look as though you have a lot on your mind."

She lifted her head and looked to where the voice came from. Iroh was sitting on the floor, his bowl of rotten food resting in his palms while his eyes shined the colors of the setting sun. The girl took the spot next to him and followed his line of sight.

The sunset was beautiful. The sky was a mixture of pinks and oranges all the way down to the giant ball of fire that glowed. Beams of light shined passed the small clouds that littered the sky, showing the power of the rays of sun. It was so pretty that she wished she could paint it to remember this moment.

“So much has been happening recently; it’s just a lot to handle.” Y/n whispered.

Iroh nodded his head in agreement. “I can understand that. You’ve gone through a lot at such a young age.” He paused for a moment. “And I’m sorry that my nephew has added on to your stress.”

“It’s not you that I need an apology from, it’s Zuko.” She shook her head dejectedly. “And what is up with him?! One minute he’s all friendly, like he cares, and then the next he’s just so... infuriating.”

The sun finally made it’s way past the tips of the mountains and fell out of sight. The orange took a deeper tone, but the view still left her awestruck. Iroh placed a hand on the wolf’s shoulder.

“I think there are some things that you need to learn about my nephew,” He began. “Zuko didn’t have many friends when he was a child, he was reserved and only ever talked to his sister and mother. And then after his incident when he was thirteen, he had taught himself to put up barriers, ones that not even I could break. But you must remember; Zuko is a child, just as you are. He may act cold-hearted, but underneath it all, he has a good spirit.”

Thirteen? He’s been out on his father’s mission for at least three years?

“So, what you’re saying is that him being rude is actually his way of showing he cares? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Iroh laughed a hearty laugh. Y/n joined in slightly, but couldn’t see what was so funny.

“I suppose that is a good way of putting it.” His laughter died down to a serious tone. “I just want you to know, Y/n, that although this does explain his personality, it does not excuse it. If you are having issues with him, then talk to him and let him know.”

Y/n sighed as the sky finally receded into darkness. Maybe he is right, she’s had plenty of time to think about everything, so the next step would just be to talk. The werewolf decided to point the topic in a different direction.

“So, Zuko told me about the four nations and what bending was. He thinks I’m part of the Earth Kingdom.” She smiled at the older man. “Do you think I can bend?”

Iroh shrugged his shoulders with the same laugh as before. “Maybe. If you’d like, I can teach you some techniques that I know.”

Y/n’s eyes widened. Wait, I might be able to bend?

“But I thought you could only bend one element? You can do two?”

“No, no, no.” He waved his hand out. “I just studied their techniques and memorized some. I can’t say that I can help you fully, but I can try my best.”

That was honestly good for her. After Zuko had told her last time that it probably wasn’t possible, she had felt dejected. But maybe there’s hope now?

Suddenly, she saw something moving around in the sky. It was hard to focus her eyes in the dark, but the sight of a large animal flying over head caught the duos attention.

“Uhh, what is that?” Y/n eyes with her eyes squinting.

It flew off past their boat and into the opposite direction of Ba Sing Se.

Iroh shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve only seen one like that before...” Then he looked at the girl next to him. “Don’t tell Zuko that you saw that. He... is scared of flying animals.”

She raised an eyebrow at his obvious lie, but promised to not tell the other boy. It was then that a smell hit her.

It smelled so warm and delicious that her mouth almost watered the second it hit her nostrils. She looked around until she saw the source of the aroma.

Zuko, Jet, and his two freedom fighters were back with two large bags. They were reaching into the sacks and pulling out bowls, passing them to the refugees on the ship.

When they were finished, they made their way back to Iroh and Y/n with their bowls in hand. Zuko had given a bowl to Iroh and completely ignored Y/n, so she had to get her food from Jet.

“Thank you, Jet.” She said with a smile as the sight of the food made her happy. Maybe the freedom fighters won’t so bad.

Iroh and Y/n shifted their seating arrangement until they formed a circle with the four other teens. Jet was going to take the seat beside the werewolf, but Zuko beat him to it, claiming that his bag was there, so it’s his seat.

They began to eat, Y/n almost scarfing down her entire bowl with one bite. She couldn’t deny it, she was hungry. They were surviving off of food that barely filled her, so now that she had the opportunity to eat, she wasn’t going to miss it.

Y/n was so invested in her bowl of food that she couldn’t even process the conversation going on around her, all she knew was that Smellerbee had stormed off and Longshot had gone after her. All that was left was her two traveling friends and Jet. She decided that now was the time to tune into the banter that was happening.

“From what I heard, people eat like this every night in Ba Sing Se. I can't wait to set my eyes on that giant wall.” Jet said as he leaned back into his arms.

Iroh nodded his head. “It’s a magnificent sight.”

“So, you’ve been there before?”

Y/n slowly lowered her bowl with wide eyes. Was he going to tell him about his life of a war general?

Instead, Iroh settled for a solemn look on his face. “Once, when I was a... different man.”

Surprisingly, Jet didn’t pry the way she expected him to. “I've done some things in my past that I'm not proud of, but that's why I'm going to Ba Sing Se: for a new beginning. A second chance.”

A new beginning? Is that what I need?

It hadn’t hit her until then, but this new life that she strove for, a life away from her pack, away from her shame, was something that she already had. The boys had given her this opportunity the moment they asked her to join their trip.

Ba Sing Se was this refuge for people who wanted what she had. It was a refuge for Iroh and Zuko, too. Did I really consider leaving them? It made her feel a bit of shame, she can’t just leave when things get tough.

“Hey, Zuko?” Y/n asked as she set her bowl on the ground in front of her.

The boy just hummed in response, not quite looking at her as he continued to eat.

“Do you think we could talk? Soon?”

Zuko stopped his chewing and looked at her questioningly. He set down his half eaten bowl and stood up. “Let’s go.”

She followed him to a separate area of the ferry. Most people were around the front of the ship, either eating the remains of the food or sleeping against the hardwood floor. There were some families around them at the back of the ship, but most weren’t paying attention. The duo stopped at the railings at the end of the boat.

They were silent for a second, Zuko waiting for the girl to say something while Y/n was trying to regain her thoughts. C’mon brain, you can do this.

“So, I guess I should start off with a ‘sorry’? I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you, especially since what you did was an accident.” She paused to let him talk, but he just continued to stare with a bored look on his face. “Uhh... I’m also sorry for insulting you. I was mad and didn’t think about my words. Everything else I said after that, though, I completely meant. You were a jerk to me.”

The corners of Zuko’s mouth lifted slightly at her words as he soaked them in. She didn’t really have much else to say, she hadn’t done much wrong. Y/n could only hope that the boy understood that.

He sighed and looked off to the side. “I guess... you not at total fault here.”

Y/n almost scoffed, almost, but held it back. This was what Iroh was talking about; Zuko had walls and this might be the best apology that she’d get out of him for now. She didn’t really know what else to say, so she was happy when he started to speak again.

“I-uh-maybe shouldn’t have gotten mad when you called me out. Should’ve just accepted it and moved on, but-uh-I’m still learning.”

Ok, this is going way better than I expected.

She half expected him to reject her apology and stomp off angrily, continuing to hate her for the rest of his life. She was glad that it’s going in the opposite direction.

Y/n couldn’t help the giddiness that she felt rise within her and wrapped her arms around the boy’s stomach. He didn’t hug her back at first, but when he realized that she wouldn’t let go, he awkwardly settled his arms around her shoulders. She could tell that he was slightly uncomfortable with the affection, so she eased herself off of him with a grin on her face.

They began their walk back to the group with much less tension than when they came.

“You know, Iroh told me that he’d teach me some earthbending to see if I was a bender.” Y/n spoke smugly.

“Really? He shouldn’t, it’d be a waste of time.” The boy replied as she pouted in response. “I hope you know that I had to tell Uncle to make sure you would stay during the travel to Full Moon Bay. Don’t make me regret asking him.”

Y/n smiled. So, that was why Iroh brought up her leaving? She was kind of confused on why he would mention it if he wanted her to stay, but not it make sense. His approach was wrong, but it made sense.

“So what I’m hearing is... you’d miss me if I left?”

Zuko just groaned out and sped up his pace, leaving her behind as their group came into view. For the rest of the night, the random cluster of six talked and joked around, the anger no longer being apparent between each teen.

It was finally back to the way it used to be; only ten times better.

___

There’s something so fulfilling abt writing a long chapter, I love it

Previous | Chapter 7 | Next

Masterlist

Taglist: @bucky-blogs @hopefuloperaangelnerd @simplyfandomish @oddlypointlessescapes @lozzybowe @woohoney @whalerus @cece-lives-here @bwndito @kiaoizz

#atla #zuko x reader #zuko #avatar

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yinxiong · 4 years ago

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coffee break

muse: na jaemin

genre: fluff, drabble

notes: found this in my (very) old wips and i fixed the grammar/some word choice/stupid lapslock so it was not entirely a mess to post. it’s clearly unfinished but i definitely won’t be adding more so you might as well have this now (or never) lmao

Like the beginning of many love stories, she first meets him at a coffee shop.

Though, it’s not exactly a love story yet, because he accidentally cuts her in line and without her morning coffee, she’s known to be a very disagreeable person. Especially if she’s in a foreign country still fighting a losing battle with jetlag.

“I said I’m sorry, I really am. Please don’t be angry, I’ll even pay for your coffee if you’d like.”

If she had been back home, if she hadn’t been running late to work, she probably would’ve argued like the annoying person she is, because immediately accepting a free coffee from someone who just cut in line isn’t really how her pride works.

But they’re surrounded by people who don’t understand Asian courtesy (like hell she does either), and making a scene in public really isn’t what she had planned on her schedule this morning.

So she simply sighs and relents, mumbling her order before ducking her head and rubbing her sleep drenched eyes in frustration. Curse last minute trips across the world for a stupid photoshoot because her company was too incompetent to tell her at least a week beforehand.

“Wow, you look exhausted. I hope this helps?”

She looks up to see the obnoxiously bright smile of her newly-acquainted nemesis over the cup of coffee he cautiously holds out to her.

“Thanks, but don’t think i’m forgiving you just because you paid for my drink. I'm not that easy.”

“That’s disappointing, because I was hoping we could walk out of here on good terms today,” he hums, sipping his own (is that pure americano?) iced coffee with a curious expression on his face. Which, she begins to realize as she lets her eyes soak in his features, is incredibly— ugh, she cannot believe herself— handsome. Almost too handsome, in fact, for a random stranger who cut the line, then proceeded to pay for her coffee as an apology.

That’s some chaotic energy she doesn’t need in her life.

Scoffing, she accepts her latte and straightens up to her full height (still almost a full head below his, that bastard) before looking him dead in the eye. “You’re pushing your luck quite a bit, uh…” she steals a glance at the name scribbled on his cup, “Jaemin.”

His gorgeous features twist into a look of confusion. “How did you know my name?”

She smirks and nods at his hand. “Really observant to your surroundings, I see.”

Jaemin turns the cup until he catches sight of the letters, scowling like they were an offense to his very existence. “Shut up, if you wanted my name you could’ve just asked.”

“Mhm, I kind of regret using it now. Anyways, I don't exactly have time to be engaging in small talk right now, especially when I have work to get to in the next hour. So, see you never?”

“Wait, aren’t you going to tell me yours?”

“My what?”

“Your name, duh.”

She pauses, pursing her lips in consideration. “Maybe if you hadn’t cut in line. Sorry, Jaemin.”

Jaemin lets out a frustrated huff and runs a hand through his hair. “What part of ‘sorry’ do you not understand? It’s not everyday you run into a cute girl in a foreign city…”

“I’m sorry, what?”

He perks up, taking a tentative step closer as she regards him with suspicion. “I said you’re cute.”

Oh—

“—My goodness, and he’s a flirt. Definitely not giving you my name after this.”

“I—”

Striding to the door, she stops to send him a wink for good measure. “Thanks for the coffee, Jaemin. I’ll see you around.”

This city really is full of surprises. She can’t wait to go home.

Jaemin is in a mood. Not a particularly great one, mind you, as his manager just scolded him for walking around in the open without a disguise on. Sure, he was probably at risk of being spotted by fans, but this wasn’t Korea, this was the States— no one should recognize him here, let alone try mauling him in broad daylight.

On top of that, he somehow managed to let a really cute girl get away this morning. Not that he’s currently trying to pursue a serious relationship, but he really would have loved to know her name in the very least? Even if she didn’t let him live it down that he accidentally cut her line, he found her remarks rather amusing. Almost endearing, in a way.

Life just really isn’t fair sometimes.

Now, he’s sitting in his dressing room making faces at his mirror, ignoring the constant buzzing of his phone (probably just his manager texting him to hurry up and get his ass outside before the photographer got impatient) and wishing he hadn’t stayed up binging a drama the night before. Hopefully the coffee running in his veins will keep him up for at least another four hours.

“Jaemin, are you coming out or not?”

Ah, he supposes he can’t always be fashionably late. That only applies to award shows, unfortunately.

Dragging himself to his feet, he checks his hair and eyebrows one last time before slinking out the comfort of his trailer and straight into the freezing autumn wind. He almost immediately turns right back around, but there’s an unexpected sight before him that seems to be worth the cruel weather.

“I didn’t expect to see you here… Miss I-don’t-know-your-name-because-you-wouldn’t-tell-me-no-matter-how-I-apologized.”

Jaemin is not quite sure why his lips are quirking at the sight of her (adorable) scowl. Perhaps it’s simply because he knows this round of cat and mouse will end in his definite victory.

Coughing, she settles her expression, though he doesn’t miss the glint in her own eyes. “What a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Na Jaemin. I didn’t know I would be working with a line-cutter today.”

fin.

#nct #nct dream #jaemin #na jaemin #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct fic #nct fanfic #nct fluff #jaemin scenarios #jaemin imagines #jaemin fic #jaemin fanfic #jaemin fluff #neowritingsnet

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ladyloveandjustice · 5 years ago

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Winter 2020 Anime Overview: Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!

Keep Your Hands off Eizouken! follows three high school girls: Midori Asakusa, Tsubame Mizusaki and Sayaka Kanamori, as they work together to create their own anime. They form a club on their high school campus, which they dub “eizouken” (the rough meaning of which is “film association”).

Awkward and spacey but endlessly creative, Asakusa takes on the job of director and also handles background animation. Mizusaki is a part-time model who has to dodge her parents disapproval over her pursuing anime, but she’s a whiz at character animation. And finally, there’s the tough-as-nails, blunt-as hell Kanamori, who doesn’t have much passion for animation itself but has a lot of passion for selling a good product, and she wrangles the two artists and reminds them of the bottom line.

Eizouken! is a vibrant artistic triumph bursting with wonder and ingenuity. I can’t really communicate just how good it is- this is truly a show that speaks to the existence of nerds, creative weirdos and (if you identify with Kanamori), the poor souls who have to deal with how ridiculous creative weirdos can be.

The show finds great visual ways to express the creative and planning process for an enterprise, having the girls literally climb around in the settings and concept art they create, struggle to fly the planes they’ve designed, and so on. By doing this, it transforms what could have been a more standard narrative into a more unpredictable tale that switches between being a a thoughtful meditation on the different aspects of the creative and production process and a rollicking, wacky adventure story.

And it’s all carried by very strong characters. Even their designs are bold and distinct- its very rare to see a main protagonist female character in ANY sort of animation have a constant, unflattering grimace like Kanamori does, but it suits her cynical self perfectly. Eizouken! focuses on female characters, but unusually for anime, and let’s be real, animation in general, it doesn’t sand off any unique edges to make them as generically cute’ as possible. Mizuasaki is the closest to a standard conventionally cute design, but that suits the fact she’s a part time model. Thanks to the great animation, the girls also have a wonderful expressiveness that matches their striking designs. The great article The Glorious, Geeky. Goofy Girls of Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken goes into this more in depth.

(As the article mentions, the storyboard director of episode 1, Mari Motohashi, said they animated the characters in a consciously gender neutral manner too, saying of the original manga that“ she liked the "gender neutral" feel of it. She described Asakusa as like an elementary schooler, Mizusaki as having some girlish aspects still left in her, and Kanamori as like an intellectual yakuza. She said that Kanamori's pragmatism was refreshing, and felt true to life regarding how the anime industry works, which may be why creative people tend to enjoy the manga. “)

It’s not just the main three! Side characters are distinctive too and unusually diverse for an anime taking place in Japan. The setting itself encompasses this diversity, you see signs in many different languages and so on. The mangaka has stated it was based on her own experiences attending a public school, saying on twitter: "I was attending a public elementary school. There were Japanese, Chinese, Koreans, Americans, Iranians, Brazilians, Egyptians and Nigerians. Those are normal. And there were various skin colors, religions, and various names."

Of course, strong designs and animation need strong writing to match them and Eizouken! provides. All the characters are deeply loveable in their quirkiness and struggles, and they play off each other well.

Kanamori became particularly beloved with the fandom- she could have easily been a one-dimensional greedy producer type, but while she takes no shit and wants that money (oh boy does she) she also really genuinely hates seeing great small businesses fail due to poor management, and knows how harsh the world is and wants people to succeed in it.

Also, because the student council leader genuinely smart and take-no-shit pragmatic too, her rivalry with Kanamori actually becomes fun to watch instead of being the usual generic one-sided battle we typically club anime- they’re equals.

Asakusa and Mizusaki also have really strong character focus too-for example, when we get into why Mizusaki loves animation, you find a surprising attention to detail and practicality hidden behind her starry eyed passion. One of Eizouken’s greatest strengths is how, while its brimming with joy and love of artistry, it doesn’t bullshit its audience and try to define artists in vague, idealistic terms, or act like it isn’t incredibly tough out there for animators, or anyone trying to make doing something they enjoy. The anime is defined by the tug of war between the wonders of imagination and the harshness of the actual world.

But it also acknowledges that like, sometimes high schoolers just wanna animate a girl fighting a tank with a sword cuz like how cool is that.

It makes for a message that’s still hopeful and inspirational to people who want to do what they love, but more in touch with the actual world (and the dire conditions of a lot of the anime industry, even if it doesn’t directly talk about it). Like with it’s characters, the show doesn’t sand off the rough edges of trying to make and sell art!

In the end, Eizouken! is both an ode to and a peak example of incredible creativity and all the effort that goes into getting art out there The only real flaw in it is that sometimes the info-dumps on the animation concepts can get overwhelming, but even that just means more cool stuff to comb through if you’re in the mood for it.

And there are a million strengths to offset it. Like how It’s funny and smart, striking a great balance between snappy, relatable moments and deeper musings on artistry and trying to make it in a confusing world. It’s got a lot for animation and anime geeks to snack on and is clearly made by people who both know what they’re talking about and don’t feel the need to sugarcoat it. It captures both the ridiculousness and loveliness of nerdery (you WILL see these dweebs arguing about giant robots in wonderfully/horribly specific detail). It’s a visual feast that switches art styles to express different feelings, and revels in every colorful detail. It’s full of great girls being awesome dorks.

It’s likely to stand out as among the best of years to come and I wouldn’t be surprised to see it still going strong in “anime of the decade” lists when we hit 2030. I definitely recommend this series with no reservations- not just for artists and lovers of animation, but anyone who wants to have a blast.

So please feel free to use this humble Tumblr post to spread the word about this show, though never forget Kanamori’s wisdom:

For we must always hold this knowledge deep in our hearts.

#keep your hands off eizouken #eizouken #sayaka kanamori #kanamori sayaka #tsubame mizusaki #mizusaki tsubame #midori asakusa #asakusa midori #anime overview #winter 2020 anime #my reviews

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megalony · 5 years ago

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The King’s heir

This is a new King! Ben Hardy series I am going to be working on which I hope everyone is going to like. Feedback is always appreciated.

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Summary: (Y/n) wants to have a child and it is expected of Ben to have an heir to the throne, but Ben doesn't want a child. He has a genetic disorder that impacts his everyday life which he's afraid will be passed down to his child.

Enjoy.

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"You stupid boy, what are you trying to do? They are your council, your advisers, you can't say something like that and just walk out!" The words were spat from his lips like they were a vile taste on his tongue that he wanted rid of. There was a burning passion of fire in his eyes that was directed onto his son who he was almost running after down the long corridor.

The polished floor provided the right surface to pronounce the clicking of boot heels that sounded furious and fast-paced and gave the impression that they were about to break the floor beneath them.

When those words reached his ears, the blond felt the way his boots skidded against the polished floor to come to a sudden halt. His blood was beginning to boil like it was burning on high heat and he couldn't stop the way that his upper lip curled in distaste. When he turned around to face his father, his back clicked into place as it straightened out and his shoulders seemed to extend and push back in some sort of defence. His height towered over his father and his hands curled into fists at his sides like he was tempted by the idea of using them to get his point across.

"You forget who you're talking to." Ben's voice was dripping with venom in such a low tone that his father had never heard before. "They are my council, my advisers and they run on my authority and I will not have the likes of them or you telling me what I should do with my life. They are there to advise on my ruling as King and that matter does not come under my proficiency as ruler. Do not speak out of term to me again."

Ben could see the way that his words were like fuel to the flame and he knew how they infuriated his father because Ben held the highest authority and the higher power out of them both. He held more power than anyone in the country and that was something his father didn't like.

Family didn't come into this matter, Ben wouldn't have anyone speaking out of term like that to him and he certainly wasn't letting his father get away with it when he had tried to gain power over Ben in the meeting they just had. He wasn't allowing someone else to gain the upper hand on him like that when they held no right whatsoever.

"I'm afraid, my Lord, that this matter is one that comes under both your life and your reign. You'd do good to remember that."

"And I think you'll find it good to remember that after ten years on this throne you've never held the power to influence my actions and none of your advisers have controlled me. You won't succeed in undermining me now leave." Irritation rattled through Ben's body when he felt his father's presence like a constant shadow following him wherever the sun may shine.

When Ben forced open the doors to the drawing room and walked in like a man on a mission, his ever faithful shadow followed in suit and quickly ordered the maid and two guards to leave the room like he himself was the King instead of Ben. A look of concern washed over (Y/n)'s face when she caught sight of her husband and father-in-law who both looked like they were about to explode. It was normal for (Y/n) to witness their brawls and arguments but never had she seen them both look at each other with mutual hatred before.

"There's your wife, tell her what you did and maybe see if she can change your stubborn mind." When he waved his arm out in (Y/n)'s direction Ben reached over and forcefully pushed his arm down like he was trying to break it off.

"Don't point at my wife like that who- if you've forgotten, you didn't want me to marry in the first place. Don't bring her into this just because you're fighting a losing battle." Ben snapped when he roughly let go of his father's arm, there was no need for him to be rude and objectify (Y/n) like that.

Leaning her head on her hand, (Y/n) crossed one leg over the other as she waited for them to calm down. They certainly looked like little boys who were fighting over the same toy and this same record could get awfully annoying after listening to it for days on end. She didn't know what they were fighting about this time but she could wager a guess that it wasn't anything that warranted such an argument. If she was being brought into this then (Y/n) knew it had to be something they both thought strongly about.

Ben's father liked (Y/n) enough but he had been off with her in the first two months of her and Ben's marriage because she wasn't a Queen or a princess. She was of high status but not high enough to marry a King, Ben's father thought. But with the kind of person Ben was, being stubborn, his own person and rather spiteful at times, he didn't batter one eyelid when his father told him not to (or more that he wasn't permitted to) marry (Y/n). Ben loved her and so he would do as he pleased, just like he had always done.

"What are you going on about now?" (Y/n) broke the argument to voice her question but she could see in the look Ben gave her that he didn't want her input on this. Either he thought it wasn't worth it or he thought she wouldn't be on his side in this battle.

"His highness here just walked out of a meeting that wasn't finished after declaring that he wasn't going to produce an heir to the throne and he didn't care who took the throne after him. Now the council is in debate about what to do and they aren't friendly with him now either. Well done, son, truly."

Ben pursed his lips as his head leaned to the side when his eyes locked with (Y/n)'s and he noticed the emotions swirling around in her pupils. He didn't want this argument with (Y/n) but he'd just brought it upon himself by letting his father tell her what had happened. Breaking their gaze, Ben turned around so he was facing his father and walked daringly over to him until there was almost no space between them.

"If I don't want children it's because of what you caused so you can blame yourself for that one. Now get out." Reaching his hand out, Ben pushed his father backwards but one push almost made the older man fall onto the floor with the force Ben held within him. He clenched his hands into fists but didn't manage to strike when (Y/n) wrapped herself around his arm and pulled him backwards.

"Don't hurt yourself, I'm not dragging you back upstairs again now calm down." (Y/n) kept hold of Ben until his father left the room, slamming the door behind him.

As soon as the door was closed (Y/n) let go of Ben and moved so she was standing in front of him, her arms folded over her chest as a look of betrayal crossed her face which made Ben feel guilty. (Y/n) was the only person whose opinion meant something to Ben, he valued her input more than anyone on his own council who he had known for a decade and that meant something. He loved her, he didn't want to hurt her or cause her any pain but he knew his words would break her.

"Why would you do that?"

"(Y/n) don't look at me like that-"

"Then don't go and make statements like that without telling me or making my views clear on the matter. Ben you can't do that, you can't say shit like that to spite the council no matter if you don't like them or not." (Y/n) dragged her fingers through her hair, catching her nails in a few knots that she couldn't be bothered to unravel right now.

"I didn't say it to spite anyone, I said it because it's true. You knew before you married me that I don't want a child and I won't have them trying to tell me that it's my duty. This throne will go to whoever is next in line, I don't have to create someone to stick in that throne it is not my duty." Ben tried to keep his voice level but the more he spoke, the more power he felt behind each word and the more desperate he became to get someone to understand.

Only a small handful of people knew the reason Ben didn't want a child but it infuriated him to have people tell him it was his duty. Not every King or Queen had children and some of them even decided not to as opposed to not being able to reproduce. Ben didn't want a child and he would not be told by stuck up, inferior men that it was what he was here for. Ben was the King and he was doing a damn good job at ruling the country but he didn't have to give them an heir, it didn't matter whether he had a child or not because it was his and (Y/n)'s business, not anyone else's.

"No, Ben, it's not that you don't want a child it's that your afraid and I understand. Go ahead and tell the council it isn't your job to give them a new King or Queen I understand that but don't tell them we're definitely not having a child because you've made that decision without me."

(Y/n) shook her head at her husband before attempting to walk away but she didn't get very far before Ben's hand was curled around her upper arm, pulling her into his chest.

"I got angry and I said something I shouldn't, I'm sorry. But I'll admit to you that I don't think a child is something I want. You've seen the way I have to live and what this does to me (Y/n), you can't tell me you want to burden a baby with this the way I was?" Ben may have got carried away but his point was still valid and they both knew it. He has reasons for saying what he did and he wasn't going to ignore them or act like he never said them because he did and it was important.

A sigh escaped (Y/n)'s lips before she slowly turned around so she was properly facing Ben. She reached up to caress the side of his face, her eyes meeting his own when he leaned into the touch.

"But they might not have it, Ben. And even if they did, what does it matter? It's not life threatening and we can get them through it just like we are doing with you." (Y/n) brushed her thumb over Ben's cheek, knowing she sounded like she was becoming desperate and maybe she was, but with good reason. (Y/n) wanted a baby, she really wanted a baby and she wanted one with Ben. She loved him and they were married, this was the next step but Ben was holding back because of a worry that might not happen. But even if his worry came true, they could get through it.

"Sweetheart, we have a fifty percent chance of me giving my disorder to them, that's a rather big gamble to take. If I can't handle this, how can you expect a child to get through it? This lasts a lifetime-"

"Your parents made that choice and yes, maybe it didn't work for them but it might work for us. They had you, that's a pretty big positive despite what you have to go through."

A growl formed at the back of Ben's throat as he shook his head before leaning down to rest his temple against hers. Ben loved every inch of (Y/n) and he knew what having a baby meant to her, he really did and the thought of having a baby with her was like a dream, but that was all Ben was allowing it to be. A dream. If Ben went along with this he was taking the chance of giving his child a disorder that lasted a lifetime and came with more pain that it was worth.

Ben went through struggles every day because of his disorder that was almost immobilising, he couldn't put that onto a child when he knew what it was like to grow up with it himself. His parents took a chance and they won and lost because Ben was here, he was fine and he was a good son but they lost because he got the disorder.

"They had me because they thought since Brandon and my dad didn't have it, I wouldn't. I pulled the fucking short straw and I won't force this upon our child, it's not fair."

Ben's grandfather was the first one to have the disorder, but Ben's father didn't have it and his half brother didn't either. So when his father married his mother, they presumed Ben wouldn't get it either but they were wrong. It skipped a generation and landed with Ben and he couldn't hate his grandfather and father more for giving it to him even if they never meant to, but Ben didn't want to pass it on any more.

He had a particular type of muscular dystrophy which meant the muscles wasted away and grew weaker with time. Ben developed the disorder when he was ten and for the last seventeen years he's struggled through life. He lost muscle mass on his hips which were very thin by now, he walked slower and more awkwardly than others and he walked with pain in his hips because his weakened muscles were having to stretch and continuously move when they were weak.

His back was suffering the affects and now his shoulders and upper arms were going in the same direction. Not to mention the irregular heartbeat he was now stuck with which put him at risk.

Ben had taken physiotherapy, he'd done exercises and taken pills and worn braces on his legs and strap braces on his body to try and straighten his posture and help with his mobility but it didn't help. Nothing helped because there was no cure and they couldn't seem to slow it down.

Ben didn't want this for his child.

It didn't matter to Ben who was on the throne next because he would be dead when that happens and it will no longer be his problem to bear. Ben had no cousins to take the throne, his brother didn't share the same mother as Ben which meant he wasn't of the royal bloodline and neither was their father. Right now Ben was the only royalty there was and he was King, when he died they would have to find extended family to fill his place if he didn't produce an heir and that was what he wanted right now.

"I don't know why I'm trying here, you're the King, no one can change your mind about anything. You do what you want, damn everyone else who tried to stop you."

(Y/n) recoiled her arms to her chest as she stared up at her husband, just knowing he was going to challenge what she had said even if part of him knew it was true. Ben was good at what he did, he could make tough decisions, he always did what was best for his people and he didn't take crap from anyone. But he was cold and he was very well know to be ruthless and seem uncaring about most things. Him marrying (Y/n) was the first time the people had known him do be so caring and loving towards someone and he seemed like a different person when he was with her. But deep down, he was still the ruthless man he'd grown up to be and that wasn't his fault.

"I was seventeen when I took the throne, you know I don't take shit from anyone because I can't. Once one person gets in and changes my mind everyone else follows, but you, you're different. I listen to you because you don't want anything from me and you don't use me, baby I love you but this is something you just can't ask of me." (Y/n)'s request was too much for Ben to accept, he couldn't pay that price because if they had a child who ended up with the same disorder as Ben then he would forever hate himself for making his child suffer.

When Ben took the throne he took a lot of stigma and criticism about it, his father and his old adviser tried to get him to abdicate the throne and give his father the regency to rule on his behalf. Ben knew once he let one person persuade him of something, everyone else would follow because the ones who were meant to be on his side were out for personal gain and control. When Ben put people in their place it showed that they couldn't mess with him and that he knew what he was doing.

(Y/n) was different but right now Ben couldn't give her what she was asking for. When (Y/n) turned her head turned away from him he quickly reached out to cup her face and press his forehead against her own. There was so much pain hiding behind his eyes and it made (Y/n) well up with tears. He didn't want to hurt her.

"Baby please, you know in another life where I didn't have this I would want a baby with you. I'd want a dozen kids with you, but not like this. I can't take the risk because it's too much pain to give them." Ben suffered too much pain from his disorder and he didn't want to push that same pain onto someone else. His disorder was genetic and since it went back to his grandfather and since Ben actually had the disorder unlike his father who was just a carrier, it meant the chances were higher for Ben's future children.

There was half a chance that they would get the disorder, it was like tossing a coin. Heads says they're fine, tails says they get the genetic disorder. Ben wasn't ready to flip that coin and see what fate had install for them.

Reaching her hand up to hold onto Ben's wrist, (Y/n) smiled sadly at him before she leaned up on her toes to kiss him. She knew when she married Ben four months ago that there was a chance he wouldn't want children but she thought she could change his mind or that he would change his mind on his own. She would never leave him no matter what happened but not having children was something (Y/n) would find very hard to bear.

"Sometimes the risk is worth it, Ben."

#ben hardy #ben x reader #ben hardy imagine #imagine #BoRhap #royalty #the kings heir

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fallen029 · 4 years ago

Text

Who wants a middle of the chapter spoiler for Operation Bosco?

“Hey.”

He whispered this when the hour was even later and they’d washed off again, this time together, in a hurried way. Now, in bed for the final time, Haven draped herself over his lap as Locke sat up, glancing around the room and sighing, frequently, though the noises hardly even got the smallest of peeking from his girlfriend. She laid there, eyes shut, just breathing, in and out, steady. She was topless, fully unconcerned with this fact, and seemed content to drift off this way, for as long as he would allow her.

Locke found it difficult to move her.

Though he needed to stretch out himself, get full usage of the fact they were in an inn, with a nice, cozy bed and, well, maybe questionable sheets, but way better than their sleeping bags, the man found it difficult to make the motions. He knew Haven would give easily, as she no doubt wanted to get some usage out of a fluffy pillow, more than his bony, crossed legs, anyways, but he just couldn’t bring himself to take the action.

Sometimes he forgot. About how beautiful his girlfriend was.

She was the daughter of Mirajane Strauss, a name he’d grown with and mostly ignored, hearing it exchanged with everything ranging from the guild’s barmaid to, maybe, one of it’s greatest mages.

But once, he heard her name used in a different way. Mentioned in passing. About magazine spreads and modeling and...she’d just always been Haven and Marin’s mom. The Master’s wife. He thought she was pretty, maybe, when he was a little boy, but once he stopped being a little boy and heard of this past, it was difficult not to spend a night up in his parent’s attic when they were gone on a job, digging through old boxes to find the old stack of Sorcerer mags that he knew his mom had, because she never threw out any written work, and it…

Made him feel gross.

The next time he saw Mirajane.

And Haven called him out on it, the way he blushed when her mom served them juices, back then, as he was still a year or so away from openly getting away with slinging beers at the hall, the blonde even longer. She couldn’t understand (and he’d have never even ventured to explain) to her what he thought of for a good month, every tie he saw her mother.

That’s what Haven could be.

Now.

In current day.

Or could have been, maybe, as she’d aged past Mira’s prime modeling days.

Still, she’d always more or less rejected this legacy in favor for the one her father had carved. The one her mother, actually, had rejected for herself.

Haven had grown into being a woman the same way she went about being a child or teen; by putting all her focus into how talented of a mage she could become. Not how to properly dress to accentuate her body or accurately match shades to her complexion.

Sometimes, when Marin became only slightly interested in the most basic of beauty concepts (and Laxus relinquished some of his leash on his youngest) and Mirajane would ecstatically give her tips or even try out different makeup with her, there was a vague offer to Haven. To join them. Or even just her mother.

But that idea felt gross and wearing dresses or even a nice top felt restrictive and it was hard enough for her to even pull on something other than a sports bra and Mirajane gave up, eventually, while her Aunt Evergreen would only sigh sometimes, at her teenage nice, chiding her in snide ways over how very little interest she’d garner this way, from boys her age.

She wasn’t interested in boys though, then. Or after, Locke thought sometimes. Even now. Or maybe he just worried.

Her feelings towards other people, or at least the other relationships she let him know about, all seemed based purely on physical power. The men were stronger than her, better connected, and this bothered her in a way that she couldn’t quite explain that eventually bled into what Haven derived as sexual attraction.

Or at least that’s how Locke viewed it, when he broke it down, and it made sense, maybe.

Maybe.

This left a rather big hole though. A him sized hole. Because he knew Haven had long surpassed him in the offensive magic field and he had no hope of catching her. He had no interest in it. He might physically be able to overpower her, but her magic was the greatest equalizer. He had no match for it. Only cures.

So what did she want with him? Anyways?

She’d call him whiny if he questioned it.

Actually, she had, any time he tried to explain it to her, growing annoyed or thinking he was passing some sort of judgment over her, over her interests and though he saw where she was coming from, was able to recognize both their person insecurities were butting up against one another, he would have liked an answer.

Why him? Or them?

She said frequently that she could feel it, when she was with him, just this absolute need to be together, and Locke guessed he felt it too, maybe, but the way Haven talked about it…

He had to address internally, at times, just why he wanted to he with her too. It was, after all, part of the equation. Sometimes he felt unsure.

When he was a teen, it kind of felt like the natural turn in their relationship. He dated most all of the girls he knew, seriously and in that stupid teenager way, where it felt serious for all of a week and then unimportant the next.

Haven was his best friend and though he was young and dumb, he wasn’t young and dumb enough to not realize that if that next week turned and it all turned out for not, then he’d be losing that. But it felt worth the risk. She was a girl, who was interested in him, and pretty.

Those were most of his only qualifications.

But Haven came with the bonus of having known one another their entire lives, so there wasn’t as much guessing over the little things. They could go on jobs together, blow their jewels together, and while she was his first, in the important way, he’d gotten all the unimportant things out of the way before while she hadn’t, which finally gave him something of an upper hand over her.

He got to play the older, cooler boyfriend for awhile, instead of the friend she tried to instigate physical fights out of at every turn.

Thing about it any deeper back then would have been dumb.

At the first chance of things possibly getting more serious, Haven ran.

He liked to think that he had no part in this, but maybe…

Had they never dated, were they not together when her father finally excommunicated her (because Locke imagined this coming to pass eventually either way), he always kinda thought that, maybe, she’d have asked him to come with her.

Like you would a best friend.

But asking him to run away away with her, taking him with her, would have implied something much deeper. Something Haven couldn’t face then.

So she ran away.

He didn’t blame her for that anymore.

He scared her, maybe, in he bedroom that day, when he offered to move in together, that they could live together, really together, and they’d figure it out.

Together.

Together took a lot longer for Haven to come to terms with.

He convinced himself sometimes, that year and some odd months, when she wouldn't talk to him, before they just happened to cross paths in Crocus, that he never really liked her. That they never really fit.

How could they?

Locke liked nice girls.

Nice people, really.

All of his friends were good guys or women who didn’t spend the free days seemingly plotting how to annoy him once he arrived home. The people he dated, the women he was serious about, even after Crocus, were all smart and sweet and they’d never purposely say something to him, to hurt his feelings, to win, in a singular moment, at all costs.

Being interested in Haven was childish.

Their relationship was rooted in how they felt, as children, when she decided she had to be the best, at everything, a goal he stood in the way of, while he attempted to do as he’d been told, ordered almost, from a young age, too early to remember, to look out for her. Haven. Make sure she was okay and watch over her, because she’d get herself in trouble, Locke, if you don’t keep her from it.

The fighting and clawing they did some times, the yelling and screaming, the way she pushed him away first, always, before accepting his affection was part of childhood quirks that they couldn’t outgrow together, that they brought out in each other, that she didn’t have.

He imagined.

When she was with other people.

That he didn’t have.

He knew.

When he was with other people.

He could be with most any woman. Or at least he liked to think. He was reasonably attractive, fit, and was the newest S-Class wizard in Fairy Tail. If his intent was to find a woman who drove him mad, he could find one that would allow him to do it from the comfort of his own home, waiting around for him after S-Class jobs, where she’d take half his money and they could hate each other too. They could hate each other just as much as Haven hated him, any time he told her off or attempted to keep her from getting herself killed, and fuck just as passionately, maybe, driven by that hatred and sick attraction, but without the constant headaches and mental turmoil that came about from loving the only woman in the world that seemed equally as pleased with your pain as she did your pleasure.

Haven’s body was scarred. And broken, in some places, reminders of hard fought battles that he hadn’t been there to heal. She seemed to fluctuate between under fed and toned depending on her current financial status and, given that they were coming off living in Magnolia to now scarping by between jobs in Bosco, she was losing definition again. Her eyes were striking, but there was something in them that wasn’t present in her mother’s. Something almost sinister.

She wasn’t perfect.

For him, he knew that, but she also just wasn’t perfect, in general, and it was easy to think of her, at times, in the way she presented herself, unstyled and almost boyish, in certain ways.

Masculine, but only parts that were toxic and cruel.

These weren’t traits that he naturally found himself attracted to, but they worked on his girlfriend and it was just easy to forget.

Not that night though, as her breasts rose and fell as she was nearly asleep, before his words, only peeking an eye open then to stare up at him, a solid, “No,” ready on his lips, no doubt expecting him to be interested in something more that night.

But he wasn’t.

Not even as he raised a hand to gently trace over her breast, where her guild marking lied now. He knew the pattern well, the emblem ingrained in his brain, but it still tripped him up at times. Seeing it there. Instead of adoring her back, not exactly centered, but slightly lower, and he used to laugh when he was a kid.

Because it reminded him of the Exceeds.

The memory was overrode now, with distant memories of making out in his bed at his parents house, cuddling or just spending time together, in his room, when his finger would stroke at her back, tracing the fairy that laid there as Haven seemed to struggle between how she felt about this.

The color had changed. Somewhere along the way. It was red now, Locke knew, instead of black like it had been when she was trying to imitate her father, maybe, as a child. It meant more now, different things at least, and he liked to think about how well it matched his eyes, even though he knew this would never be Haven’s true reasoning.

Red was for Ravan, who’d sacrificed his own in losing her.

She never told him this, out loud, but Locke was very good, he knew she had to know, at figuring most things out.

“Mmm?” Haven moaned then, softly, her eyes only blinking open from his word, no matter how soft it was.

“I just…”

And he hadn’t wanted to. The whole point was that he didn’t want to. Move. Shift. Stop whatever moment they were having, or he was having, then, because she looked too beautiful there, with the moon just peaking around the curtain of a room they’d never seen again, in a place he hoped to avoid from here on out, and he didn’t think he just should just bring it to a close.

Just like that.

“You’re my best friend.” He was moving as he spoke, shifting, so he laid long ways on the bed as well, nuzzling heaving into Haven, beneath her previously outstretched arm, into her armpit, hiding maybe, from himself and the fact he’d let it pass, forced it to fade, caused the closure of the moment. “That’s all.”

“I’m your best friend,” she muttered tiredly, “and that’s all I am?”

“No.”

He took in a slow breath and she smelled so good then, so did he, they smelled good together, and he wanted to get her under the covers, where they could snuggle and drift off.

Together.

“Then,” Haven whispered and she shifted away at first, as always, only giving in when he moved with her, “that’s all you wanted to tell me? And we can finally really go to bed?”

“No.”

It wasn’t.

All he wanted to tell her.

It’s all he could get out, because the rest would sound bad, he thought, to speak aloud, even to the only person he could speak aloud anything.

She didn’t want to fight about Porter again, and he was fine with that, he understood why she felt that way.

But the thoughts that were bothering him now went a lot deeper than that.

To explain them though, to mention her family, her mother, their upbringing, what it all meant, why she loved him or even liked him and what she thought about herself, the way she was and looked and acted, as well as what he thought about it too, as well as himself and what she thought about him and it would only end in an argument.

That night.

Because he could never get it out to her in a way that wouldn’t sound like an attack or just an attempt to bring up old wounds for the sack of rubbing it in her face that he was there, the whole time, waiting for her to come to her senses, to come back to him, and she’d been the one in the wrong, who’d gone off and ran around with the wrong people and had gotten hurt, been killed, all because she wouldn't just listen to him.

All because she couldn't be together when him, when she’d only been a week away from seventeen.

“Then what?” Haven asked, a frown present in her voice as she insisted, “What other option is there?”

“Too many.”

“Locke-”

“You’re so beautiful, Haven,” he insisted then, as she sat up some, just to frown down at him, and the man only stared back up at her, into her so deep blue eyes, the exact opposite of his flat reds, with every ounce of honesty he had to him. “You always are. And I don’t tell you that enough. I love so much about you and I think sometimes I just get so caught up in all the madness that’s constantly in front of us that I forget-”

“Shut up!” And she was moving then, to the head of the bed, shoving at him in the process, even grabbing a pillow in the end, to hit him with. “You big idiot.”

Locke only moved to lay properly in the bed as well, insisting, “It’s true. You’re the most beautiful woman I know.”

“I’m still not going to blow you.” She snatched her pillow back one she’d kicked down the covers some, only to snuggle back under them. And, after a moment’s thought, she offered him simply, “Tonight.”

He allowed himself to smile, as he tugged the blankets up around himself as well, hiding out from the moonlight with her beneath them as he whispered, “I don’t wanna fight with you. Have. I never do.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not.”

“Are too. Fighting’s part of it.”

“Part of what?”

“You know.” But she didn’t seem to, as she couldn’t quite explain it. “Locke.”

Falling onto his back, he shut his eyes and she stilled out, back to him, but beside him, close. So close.

“When it’s all over,” he muttered to the once more close to sleep woman, “and we can go back home, I’ll buy us a nice house. With my first few S-Class jobs. Bet. With a pool and one of those kitchens you can invite all your friends over to hang out in, you know? With, like, stools and space and… And an actual dining room. For when we want to have real, adult dinner parties. A pool. Room for our...our kids. Yeah?”

She was either asleep or good at faking it, either was likely. But both were enough for the man as he let out one last long, heavy sigh before deciding to join her.

#Remember Me

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puddygeeks · 5 years ago

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Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 25: Rᴇᴛᴀʟɪᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

Masterlist

Episode: I Am Become Death

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Twenty-Five

When I next opened my eyes, I could tell that I’d been asleep for a long time. I stepped out of the tent and stretched out happily. I strolled toward the centre of camp to get an update on events. I picked Monty out of a gossiping crowd and approached him with a smile.

“God, I slept so hard.” I chirped and noticed that he seemed distracted. “What disasters did I miss? Did the others get back okay?” I questioned with a joking smile before my face dropped when he didn’t smile back.

“Yeah, everyone is back fine. Actually, more people came back than expected.” He answered cryptically and I stared at him assessingly. “We found Murphy outside of camp last night.” He muttered under his breath and I felt my breath hitch in response. For a moment, I couldn’t believe what I’d heard and I stared at him with wide eyes.

“Murphy?” I confirmed, feeling a knot form in my stomach as he nodded in response. “Shit, that’s not going to go well.” I muttered and Monty rubbed a nervous hand on the back of his neck.

“I know he’s an asshole... but I caught a glimpse of him as they brought him inside and he looked horrific. From what I’ve heard, he was tortured by the grounders and it really does look that way.” Monty explained with a conflicted expression and my mouth dropped open in shock. I was about to question him more when I heard raised voices from the dropship.

“Thanks Monty, I’d better go deal with this.” I drawled with a building feeling of dread in my stomach. I forced one last quick smile at him, before heading in the direction of the voices. I rushed into the ship to see Bellamy, Finn and Clarke in a heated conversation and stopped in my tracks as I tried to catch up on the situation.

“Once he’s better, we find out what he knows and then he’s out of here, ok?”

I caught Clarke speaking to Bellamy in a hushed tone and it was clear that they were both engrossed in conversation. She moved to leave and I strode past her, further into the space. My attention landed on a small, shivering shape in the corner that vaguely resembled Murphy and I gasped in horror. He was coated in blood and even a quick glance revealed that his claims of torture were true. His body was covered in welts, burns, cuts and a selection of injuries that came directly from nightmares. I started to approach him slowly and Bellamy was too focused on Clarke to have noticed me.

“What if he refuses to leave?” Bellamy called to her back, but I kept my stunned eyes on Murphy. He quivered in fear as he scrutinised me and I tried to move as carefully as possible. “What do we do with him then?” Bellamy probed as they continued their argument behind me.

I took my time to enter Murphy’s space as he was jumpy and made it clear that I meant him no harm. I crouched down to his level and reached out to him carefully. I delicately took his hands into mine and realised with a grimace that his fingernails had been pulled out. I inspected him with such sympathy that I could barely hold back the tears, as I took in the shivering wreck that remained of him.

“Then we kill him.” Clarke delayed in a tone that was icy cold and I felt my temper growing at their conversation. I returned to a standing position and turned on the spot to squint at the two of them. They both had crossed arms and were staring at Murphy with threatening expressions.

“You two need to get out.” I spat, planting myself in front of him defensively. Bellamy seemed to finally register that I was here and he was clearly immensely uncomfortable with my proximity to Murphy.

“He can’t be here. Indigo, get out of my way.” He growled with an aggravated tone as he stepped towards me and his eyes flitted to Murphy with a blatant disgust.

“Stop it!” I yelled as my patience snapped and my voice raised without my consideration. “That’s enough from both of you.” I stated with a nod over to Clarke to confirm that my disappointment extended to her. “Bellamy, I know what happened because of his actions, but that doesn’t change that he’s one of the 100 and he has been tortured. He needs help and all you’re doing is making his suffering worse. If you want information from him, he needs to be well enough to speak. Look at him, right now he can barely even keep his eyes open! Get out.” I ordered with a bitter frustration and Bellamy regarded me in an obvious shock. “You too Clarke!” I announced as I threw a dismissing hand at her too. “You both made the decision on his punishment, it’s not appropriate for you to be involved now and it wont reflect well on your authority to camp! I’ll take responsibility for the decision to help him and we can discuss how you punish me for that to save face to the camp later.” I spoke quickly in my anger and as soon as I’d finished, I turned back towards Murphy again.

“Indigo, I can help you to-” I heard Clarke’s remorseful voice from behind before I’d even managed to bend again. I could tell that my words had caused a shame in her but her continued presence only served to make me more angry. I whipped back around to face her in fury.

“Did I stutter?” I snarled as I looked between them. “OUT! Both of you!” I yelled and they both jumped at my sudden temper. I gave one final glare before turning back to Murphy and was relieved to finally hear their footsteps leave the ship.

I took a few moments to gather supplies including a flask of Monty’s Moonshine and several rags, and water. I returned to Murphy’s side carefully as he quivered and watched me with a nervousness that broke my heart to witness. I took my time to gain his trust, starting by simply soaking his hands in warm water to try to clean him up. Once he was relaxed enough to let me do that without twitching at every minimal contact, I moved on to cleaning the cuts on his arms. I gradually worked my way up to a large burn that covered practically his entire shoulder. I could hardly stand to look at it, the brutality of what had been done to him was unbearable. I met his swollen eyes with a look of deep sadness.

“Why are you even helping me?” He choked out even as he struggled to get his breath. “You’ve been in my face since day one.” He muttered accusingly and I sighed as I continued to clean the huge amount of injuries on his body.

“Because you need it.” I answered firmly and he scoffed. “I got in your face because your bad decisions were leading the entire camp down a dangerous road, one that backfired on you.” I confessed as I wring out the cloth in the water and kept my focus on cleaning him. I found it difficult to meet his eyes as I comprehended the results of his banishment. “Whatever you did, you’ve endured more punishment than you deserved. I’m going to make sure it ends here.” I assured him, holding his gaze. He fidgeted awkwardly and I clocked several cuts through a tear in his shirt. When he leaned back against the wall, I slid the shirt to get a better look at them and realised they were deeper than the rest of his injuries. He flinched away from my touch and I gazed with a gentle understanding.

“Murphy, I really need to clean these or they’ll definitely get infected. I’ll spare you as much pain as I can, but these ones need alcohol. I promise I’ll be tender.” I reasoned with him and although he still viewed me with suspicion, he lowered his guard.

I guided his arm out of the t-shirt so that I could pull one side up to his neck, revealing three large, deep gashes. I opened the bottle of moonshine and peeked at him for a sign that he was prepared. As soon as he nodded and gritted his teeth, I poured the moonshine over and he cried out. I quickly put it down and as he leaned forward to double up in pain I pulled him into me, allowing him to rest his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his back soothingly as I felt his hot tears soaking into my shirt and battled to keep my composure. We remained in this position until he willingly sat back and perceived me with surprise.

Once I’d finished with the wounds on his chest, I left his side momentarily to fetch some fresh water. In the moment that I was about to return, I was startled by the sound of retching and turned back to see Murphy on his hands and knees. He was bringing up copious amounts of bright red fluid and the strain seemed to be causing him to almost convulse. I rushed back over to his side to support him and once he was done, I helped him back into a sitting position. I pushed his wet hair back from his face and he stared at me with terrified eyes. Clarke suddenly stormed into the room to make a bee line for him, but I wouldn’t let her past me, blocking her from touching him.

“Clarke, are you incapable of understanding?! You can’t be here!” I hissed as I stopped her from passing me.

“I’m sorry but this is important.” She insisted and I stared at her in annoyance as she settled almost beside me instead. “Murphy, I need you to tell me exactly how you escaped from the grounders. What happened?” She grilled and I took a deep breath in an effort to contain my temper. Murphy shook his head in a slow heavy manner and I could feel the tension building in my chest.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled and more fluid fell from his mouth as he spoke. I grabbed a damp rag and wiped his mouth with an impatient glance at Clarke.

“Clarke, he’s sick. Can’t this wait?” I questioned as I felt the growing sickness of her insistent behaviour. Despite my words, she stared at him expectantly and he struggled to get the words out.

“I woke up and they forgot to lock my cage. There was no one there so I took off.” He answered in difficulty and I started to block her again.

“They let you go.” She whispered in a crestfallen manner as she leaned away.

“You have your answer, now get out.” I spat as I finally ran out of patience and pushed her the rest of the way out of his space. “Try to relax Murphy.” I voiced reassuringly as I pushed his hair back from his face again to calm him. I wiped the cloth around his face to clean the various wounds, worrying that if any of the fluid were to get in them it would cause an infection. As I busied myself with this, I caught the sound of heavy footsteps and knew without even turning around who had just entered.

“Bellamy, stay back!” Clarke called in a frantic manner and I couldn’t help wondering what had changed her tune. I rolled my eyes as I prepared for whatever conflict was about to happen and sighed in annoyance. I dipped the cloth in the water again and held it gently to Murphy’s head to cool him off, holding his hair back carefully. I glanced over my shoulder to see that Bellamy had paused in place in the centre of the room and was watching me tend to Murphy with a furious expression. He then glanced over to Clarke in concern and at his expression I made my first proper assessment of her since she had entered. She looked awful, her skin was pale and covered in a sheen of sweat.

“Did he do something to you?” Bellamy interrogated and I glared back at him. I peeked at Clarke and realised that she had red fluid around her eyes with a lurch in my stomach. Bellamy seemed to notice this at the same moment as his eyes grew wide. “What the hell is this?” He asked, tensely glancing between her and Murphy.

“Biological warfare.” She revealed with a hint of fear in her voice. “You were waiting for the grounders to retaliate for the bridge? This is it. Murphy is the weapon.” Clarke spoke poignantly and Murphy looked up at Bellamy nervously. I understood why, as I anticipated Bellamy responding to this information rashly and mentally prepared myself to stand my ground. I grabbed a nearby cup of water and held it up to Murphy’s lips.

“You need to keep hydrated, here.” I ordered quietly in an effort not to draw attention to us. He took a long, careful drink and I placed the cup at his side. I was tenderly pushing his hair back again when I was suddenly dragged backwards by my shirt along the dropship floor. I struggled in an attempt to stop the motion, but it was to no avail. The moment that I stopped in the middle of the room, I sprung furiously to my feet only to find that it was Bellamy who was responsible. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! I told you to get out, what part of that is hard for you to understand?!” I snarled as I felt myself shaking in outrage.

“He’s contagious!” He growled back as he pointed at Murphy, but I recognised a hint of jealousy in his eyes as he perceived him. “Didn’t you hear Clarke, you can’t be near him. We should get him out whilst we still can!” He threatened and moved to step toward Murphy. I didn’t hesitate for a moment in blocking him, pushing him back with all of my might. I surprised even myself at the power I managed to produce as adrenaline flooded me. I threw him back with a viscous glare and he stopped in his tracks.

“Don’t make me put you on your ass Bellamy, because so help me god, I will! Get out of my sight!” I rasped, radiating anger on a level that he hadn’t seen from me before. I could tell from his wide eyes that he hadn’t anticipated this kind of veracity from me and I dug my heels in.

“He’ll make you sick!” Bellamy argued, defensively indicating back to Murphy and his brows knitted together as he tried to appeal to me.

“You already beat him to it!” I screamed in a loss of control as my venomous nature overwhelmed my senses. Bellamy froze in shock at my words and I narrowed my eyes at him. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again several times as he seemed to be lost for words and I pushed a feeling of regret to the back of my mind.

“Indigo, you need to get away from him, you’re not sick yet. You might be immune and if you are they’ll need you in camp.” Clarke approached me carefully from behind and it was clear that she wanted to put an end to the rising tensions. Although she tried to draw my attention to her I kept my eyes fixed furiously on Bellamy.

“I’m not leaving him to suffer.” I stated adamantly without even looking at her and Bellamy scoffed in annoyance as my attitude broke through his shock.

“I’ll take care of him, I’m already infected.” Clarke suggested in a soft voice and I finally looked at her sceptically.

“I don’t trust you.” I announced coldly whilst I crossed my arms. “Both of you openly discussed killing him, right in front of him, this morning. Don’t you think he’s been through enough punishment?!” I argued as I appealed to their reasonable sides, despite the endless fury that burned in my chest.

“Clarke’s right.” Bellamy declared as he clocked me with a cold, determined expression. “Get her out of here.” He ordered as he dropped his gaze to the ground and in barely a few moments two of his followers descended on me. I was furious that he didn’t have the decency to remove me himself and it struck me that he was using them to distance himself from the action. They grabbed both of my arms and began to drag me from the space. I kicked and thrashed desperately, making every step difficult for them but I couldn’t stop them from taking me.

“No, you can’t do this!” I howled as I fought aimlessly. As I was about to be carried over the threshold, the sounds of coughing and violent seizing paused us all in place. After barely thirty seconds of vomiting sounds and what sounded like a disagreement, Clarke called out to them.

“Bring her back.” She ordered, causing them to drag me back into the ship and they held onto me as they awaited instructions. “We need to set up a quarantine zone, you can’t take her anywhere.” She clarified as her brows knitted and both of the men holding me looked to Bellamy for confirmation. He nodded reluctantly, and it was clear that he wasn’t satisfied with this outcome. The men finally released their grip on me and I marched back over to Murphy without even looking at Bellamy. I picked up a fresh rag to begin tending to Murphy’s badly beaten face again and had to battle to return to tender movements as I shook with rage. In all of the commotion, I didn’t even notice Finn enter the space until I heard him asking Clarke what to do.

“Round up everyone who had contact with Murphy. Bring them here.” She instructed and Finn immediately rushed out to do her bidding.

“And everyone they’ve had contact with.?” I heard Bellamy questioning her order and my stomach lurched. I could only imagine how extreme things would become if he had any input.

“Well, we have to start somewhere.” Clarke answered in annoyance. “Connor, who was with you when you found him?” I heard her grilling another sick person and rolled my eyes at her complete lack of empathy. “Who carried him in? Think.” She demanded. The response was slow and when he finally spoke, his voice was quiet.

“The first one there was Octavia.” He confirmed in a gravelly voice. I felt my stomach twist in response and I observed Bellamy over my shoulder with wide eyes.

“No, she can’t have.” I gasped in denial as I felt fear gripping my chest.

Without a single word, Bellamy rushed from the ship and I was still trapped, forced to wait nervously. I continued to nurse Murphy as he gradually got worse, but I could hardly think straight over the panic in my mind. After a few moments, Bellamy dragged Octavia into the shop and Clare began checking her over. By this point, many other people were arriving and the space was quickly becoming crowded. I waited anxiously for an answer from Clarke, as she shined a flashlight in Octavia’s mouth.

“Okay, we’re done.” She announced and I immediately rushed over to find out what was happening. “No visible signs of swelling or bleeding.” She explained and I peeked up at Bellamy to see him holding a rag over his face. If I weren’t still furious with his behaviour today I’d scold him for even being in here, but I knew that like me, when it came to Octavia there was no reasoning with him.

“So you’re saying she doesn’t have it?” Bellamy asked hopefully and I found myself hoping alongside him.

“I’m saying she doesn’t have symptoms, like Indigo. But that could change. We need to keep her here too, just in case.” Clarke reported in a matter of fact manner and I mentally thanked every force I could for keeping her healthy so far.

“No way. Look at this place. She’ll get sick just being here.” Bellamy argued against the order and for the first time today I actually agreed with him.

“Seriously Clarke, she can’t be here.” I blurted despite my reluctance to agree with Bellamy and he glanced at me, quickly looking away when he saw that I noticed.

“Do you want to stop the spread or not?” Clarke probed in an exasperated voice and Bellamy scanned the sick people filling the room reluctantly. “Look, I’ll keep her on the third level with the people who aren’t symptomatic yet.” She clarified but it was clear that he still wasn’t convinced. “Think of it as a way to stop her from sneaking out again.” She reasoned and I studied her suspiciously.

“Screw you Clarke.” Octavia spat and I smiled at her attitude. Clarke shrugged in a tired response and I realised that she seemed to be getting worse too.

“I’ll let you know if her condition changes.” She promised and Bellamy finally nodded in agreement. I hid my relief when he finally left the ship and it wasn’t lost on me that it took the promise of containing his sister to motivate him to agree to keeping her here. Octavia stepped to climb the ladder but Clarke turned immediately to stop her. “Octavia stop.” She blurted and I watched with interest, already feeling that Clarke was up to something. “I need you to sneak out again.” She divulged and I couldn’t contain the words that fought their way from me.

“No, absolutely not.” I growled as I stepped in front of Octavia defensively in an effort to shield her from Clarke’s plan.

“We need to know if there’s a cure. If she can get to Lincoln, he may have an antidote, like last time.” Clarke reasoned as she addressed me and I spied her with an expression of disbelief.

“If she can get there! In case you forgot, the woods are filled with grounders who want us dead.” I argued as I stepped closer into her space in a threatening manner.

“I can do it, I’ll be back as soon as possible.” Octavia answered, taking advantage of the slight additional distance between us now. She rushed from my reach before I could stop her and although I moved to catch her up, she practically ran out of the dropship. Clarke stepped into my path with a wavering attempt at a firm look.

“Indigo, people are dying, she’s our only chance.” Clarke appealed to me and I glared at her in fury, pacing like a caged animal.

“This was a mistake, and lying to Bellamy about it is even worse. He trusted you to keep her safe.” I spat in disgust. “I’m sick of everyone in this camp involving me in their lies.” I breathed but I was interrupted by the sound of Murphy choking again. I tore myself away from Clarke to tend to him again, despite wishing that I’d been able to fully express my disappointment with her decision.

Clarke rounded up some of the more able members of the quarantine to remove the bodies of those who had already succumbed to the infection. She followed them out whilst I looked after Murphy in an effort to stop myself obsessing over Octavia. I started to lightly cough and when I returned my gaze to him, Murphy was staring at me with alarm.

“Your eyes.” He gasped. I rubbed the edge of my eye and glanced down at my hand to find tears that were tinted with a slightly pink tone. Murphy leaned over to grab a clean rag and wiped away any trace of the fluid. I smiled at him gratefully and got to my feet.

I quickly walked to the entrance in search of Clarke. I was driven by a need to tell her that her immunity theory wasn’t looking promising, as I now panicked that Octavia could have developed symptoms whilst alone in the woods. I stepped just outside of the doors and found Clarke standing on the ramp to the ship talking to Bellamy from a distance. As I wandered out, Clarke turned around to head in and clocked my presence with a worried expression.

“Octavia, you okay?” Bellamy called upwards and Clarke met my eyes in pure panic. When he didn't receive an answer, he moved to storm into the ship and I stepped past her to block him from entering. I couldn’t allow him to put himself at risk, especially only to find that he’d been lied to.

“She’s not here Bellamy. Clarke sent her to look for Lincoln, against my advice.” I answered with bitterness, glaring at Clarke in annoyance. I was done with helping to keep secrets. She turned reluctantly to face him and he glowered at her viciously.

“Look, if there’s a cure, he has it.” She tried to justify her decision but he seemed thoroughly unimpressed with her excuse. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you wouldn’t let her go.” She admitted in a small voice causing him to scoff.

“If anything happens to her, you and me are gonna have problems.” He growled, before turning on his heel to stomp away from us.

“Us too.” I spat, crossing my arms at her. “You should have trusted him with the decision. He’s more reasonable than you give him credit for.” I stated firmly. Despite my outrage at his behaviour today, I didn’t appreciate her treating him like a wild animal.

A commotion in the crowd drew my attention as Bellamy yelled at someone to get to the dropship. I scanned the faces until I found the person who was coughing up blood and I calmly walked over to them. At the same time, another person fell to the ground on the other side of the gathered crowd. I could hear a panic overtaking as people started to frantically rush out of the way, but I kept my focus on the guy who was now bleeding profusely from his eyes. As I reached him, I wrapped an arm around his waist to support his weight and assisted in getting him to the ship. As the screaming grew louder, I could feel the camp descending into chaos around me but I resisted the urge to look around or involve myself in any way. Clarke appeared at the entrance of the dropship with a large gun and fired multiple shots into the air to draw the attention of the crowd. I was nearly at the door by the time she took control and ignored her opening speech. I struggled inside and placed the person I’d supported down into a comfortable position with others who could tend to them. I straightened myself up and started marching toward the gate to exit camp with purpose. I heard Bellamy violently disarm someone who was foolish enough to point a gun at Clarke, but I didn’t stop moving due to fear of drawing attention to myself.

“Not to state the obvious, but your quarantine isn’t working.” Bellamy addressed her firmly and I breathed a slight laugh.

“Finn don’t touch her!” I heard Raven call out in a panicked tone. I glanced over my shoulder to see Finn running over to catch Clarke as her knees buckled and I rolled my eyes at his foolishly romantic nature. Just as I reached out to touch the gate Bellamy appeared beside me, holding it closed to stop me from leaving.

“Where are you going?” He grilled as he surveyed me in a state of disbelief. I fidgeted on the spot as I squirmed under his intense gaze.

“To find Octavia before this madness gets any worse.” I explained as I tried in vain to push past him but he put a hand on my arm as he spoke again.

“You’re supposed to be in quarantine.” He stated firmly as he raised a brow at me and I was surprised to find that the tension between us from earlier seemed to have dissolved.

“Then you probably shouldn’t be touching me.” I replied, glancing down at his hand with a sly smile and he stepped back with a reluctance in his eyes. “She’s been out there for too long, I need to find her. I’m not sick, I can do it.” I insisted as I lied through my teeth in the hope that he couldn’t see any hint of the tears that Murphy had wiped away earlier. As they were only slightly tinged with red, I felt I still had enough time to recover Octavia and get back before my symptoms worsened. He leaned back to allow me to leave but before I could move, the gate swung open to reveal Octavia who pushed past the two of us without a word.

“There is no cure.” She announced in a flat tone as she drew the attention of the camp. “But the grounders don’t use the sickness to kill.” She clarified, causing the sounds of confusion to echo from the crowd. Bellamy strode over to her in irritation and I stayed rooted to the spot, unwilling to put myself in the middle of them again.

“Really? Tell that to them!” He argued, as he pointed to the pile of bodies that had just been carried from the ship. “I warned you about seeing that grounder again.” He hissed in a disappointed manner and I found myself relieved that I hadn’t been a part of that conversation.

“Yeah well, I have a warning for you too.” She spat, looking at him with the same furious disdain she had viewed me with yesterday. “The grounders are coming! They’re attacking at first light!” She yelled, earning several gasps and cries of panic from the camp. I felt myself tense in response to this information and Octavia turned to face me with wide eyes. “Indigo, your eyes!” She gasped. I put a hand to my eyes and found red tears again, which were significantly more vivid than when they had started earlier.

“Shit.” I hissed, before holding up a hand to keep her away. “Don’t touch me, I need to get back to quarantine.” I ordered firmly and couldn’t help feeling frustrated that my symptoms had worsened so quickly. Octavia inspected me in worry, but I waited for her to move first in an attempt to keep her at a distance. She sighed and started to walk away, but instead of taking herself away from infected people she approached Finn, glancing back to check that I was following.

“Come on, I’ll help you get Clarke into the dropship.” She suggested as they started to carry Clarke between them. I slowly plodded through camp and towards the ship, finding the short journey back far more difficult than I did the first time.

“How many bullets can you make by first light?”

I heard Bellamy speaking to Raven as I passed them and I got the strange sensation that everything was happening in slow motion. I felt my legs shaking and my vision gradually blurred until I couldn’t make out my surroundings. Before I could reach out to anything to support myself, my legs gave way and I dropped toward the ground. I was surprised when I didn’t feel an impact and instead seemed to be rising higher. I felt myself being cradled and squinted to my side to see Bellamy regarding me in concern. It took me a moment to understand that he had caught me and was clutching me to his chest in a bridal style carry.

“Stop!” I tried to sound assertive but my voice came out quiet and croaking. “Don’t touch me, you’ll get sick.” I hissed whilst I tried to push him away.

“Too late to worry about that now.” He tried to force a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes, which still scrutinised me with worry.

“No it’s not, put me down and rinse your hands in alcohol.” I ordered and although it sounded authoritative in my mind, my words came out breathy and soft. I wiggled in an attempt to get away from him for a second, before my arms dropped limply and I felt my head tipping back. I had no energy left to move at all and hung in his arms like a ragdoll.

“Let’s get you inside.” Bellamy answered gently, carrying me toward the dropship.

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