#Homemade Cleaning Methods

[roserockortho]

Do you remember just a few years back when the only way to get your smile straight was to have your mouth full of metal brackets and wires? But you have to believe us, before the seventies, it was much worse.

Brackets weren’t cemented to teeth as we know them today. Instead, orthodontists used to wrap teeth in a metallic band that worked as brackets to hold the wires. Unfortunately, this wasn’t what you could call painless or comfortable.

Read more Visit Us - How to Keep Your Invisalign Clear Aligners Clean With DIY & Homemade Cleaning Methods

Contact Us - 580-540-3211

Address - 2510 W Chestnut Ave Ste A, Enid, OK 73703, United States

Visit Us - Rose Rock Orthodontics

[kairismess]

Hayoo!! Can I request Sakusa enemies to lovers?? I love the man sm :'))

hearts' day 009.

in which kiyoomi's got a soft spot for his favorite pain in the ass.

"i didn't hear a flush."

his deep, stern voice filled your ears as you exited the restroom, with sakusa about to use it next. his dark, wavy hair did nothing to obscure the total judgement he had written all over his face as he scrunched up his eyebrows and nose, practically glaring down at you as you exited the washroom with... wet hands, much to his disdain.

"...and you didn't even dry your hands?" he asked you with a slight scoff in his tone as his gaze darkened. you sighed and unceremoniously wiped your hands on your shirt, making sakusa part himself away from you even more. "that's even worse." "you're quite chatty today, omi, don't tell me you picked today to be a huge bitch." you retorted with a sly smile on your face, taunting him as he sprayed some sanitizer on his hands before opening the door to the comfort room.

"it appears your hands aren't the only body part you need cleaning today. i have a good mouthwash i could recommend you, i feel like you'll be needing it." he spoke with a condescending tone as he glared at you from underneath his dark bangs.

"and i think you need some bug killing spray. not for the roaches in the locker room, but for the pest i see in front of me right now." you retaliated, smiling widely and innocently as a vein popped up on sakusa's temple.

he wordlessly shut the door to the comfort room to do his business, making you chuckle a little under your breath as you mentally tallied your score against him for the 'greatest comebacks of all time' (in which, he was in the lead by about... 5 points).

you didn't exactly loathe sakusa, it was just so much fun to piss him off and make him walk away. he was always an interesting guy to you, just a little bit of... 'a bitch', as you loved to call him. to sakusa, you annoyed him more than the three thorns by his side: bokuto, hinata, and atsumu–and that was a great feat, because nobody in the history of ever has provoked sakusa to continuously answer back and one-up you more than they have.

you made sakusa feel like there was a little more to life than going to volleyball games, fan meet-ups (which he barely attended anyway), and just... anything else. you gave him some spice in his life, and though he had a preference for the bland, everyday he was so used to, it felt nice to have a little kick in his day when you start it off by giving him a backhanded compliment or a sly middle finger with a cute smile on your face.

when he entered the team's gym one day and didn't see you in your usual spot by the treadmills at the usual time you were there. he found it a little strange, but decided not to question it; he decided to text you after his training.

and true to his word, he had a brown paper bag full of bottled waters, fruits, and vitamin supplements. he handed you your favorite scented spray of his, he only knew it was your favorite when you asked him if he was wearing any perfume or where he got that scent from and presumed you took a liking to it.

you told sakusa weakly, and repeatedly, that you didn't need any help, that you were fine, despite being stuck to your bed and coughing and sneezing up a storm. "just shut up and let me take care of you. i'll help you get back to your snarky little self in a few days." he said with a softer voice than normal, about to spoon-feed you some homemade chicken soup that he made specifically for you.

you felt a little taken aback at his kindness, your eyebrows raising involuntarily at his act of charity. you decided not to fight it and give in to trust him and in his caregiving methods. he was surprisingly gentle with you, for a guy who would constantly chide and judge you to get back at you, he did do a good job of being sweet and caring at times.

maybe you wouldn't mind seeing this gentlemanly side of his more often now...

[ruiniel]

Alucard & sick Reader HCs

*totally not inspired by the devilish respiratory illness I'm contending with these days

He may take after his mother in so many ways, but he's still his father's son in having witnessed the consideration Dracula had shown Lisa during their times as a family

It all brushed off on him from a young age: humans need more tending to during times of illness

If Adrian cares, whether in a platonic friendship capacity or whichever way, he will fuss over you, make no mistake

When you're coughing so much your intercostal and abdominal muscles hurt he'll draw you up, hug you against him so you don't cough on your back; outwardly calm and composed while reeling inside (you won't notice anyway)

He'll scour his mother's papers for any aid to ease your state because he can't stand to see you hurting

He'll carry you everywhere when you're too weakened to walk on your own

He'll never let you out of his sight. Some might find that too much, too overbearing, but he's lost so many people he cares about he's taking 0 chances

You're getting homemade cough syrup and medication as soon as he figures out what the main cause and symptoms are, no buts

After all he was Lisa's most devoted apprentice

He'll rest close by, idling in an armchair or standing by the window of your chamber, quiet and unobtrusive but to be around just in case

He'll lend you all the clean shirts you need, help you change out of the wet ones as your body fights fever spells

If you call his name, the book flies from his lap

He'll gently urge you to rise from time to time, to listen to your heart and lungs; there are no stethoscopes yet in the 1400s but his hearing is sharp enough that he can discern your heartbeats or if there's anything worrisome with your lungs. He'll press his ear to your back, following all points of interest

Once satisfied, he'll lie you back down, listening to your mutterings of gratitude with a blank stare, but his lips do alight on your forehead for a fast fever check

He'll lie beside you in your sickbed and hold you close if you get chills, telling you it'll pass, he's here, he'll take care of you

He believes it, too, of course, he can't even fathom other alternatives

Adrian is nothing if not methodical, so once you're better, an immune system boost 'program' awaits.

[lucerocosplay]

Shohki Mask Cover

construction notes & photos under the cut

This has been a long time coming! I'm glad she's a costume I can work a mask into without it breaking the design of the character. I feel like people would be less inclined to ask that you remove it for photos this way ^^;

I went with a very thin cotton gauze fabric (#9 "coffee" if you're wondering), think a slightly thicker cheese cloth. It's very breathable as a single layer and seemed the best choice for an N95 cover. The shape was really only achievable with this fabric because of the shape of my mask underneath, and some strategically placed 1/2" wide horsehair braid tubing from the dollar tree. I usually stock up around halloween but they stock around christmas too!

Process is very straight forward, just traced my mask on the fold and made some rough adjustments for a card stock mock up. I like 90-110 lbs for this sort of thing but construction paper can work in a pinch too. Cut that out and fit to my face, tweaked the placement on the nose bridge and added a 1/4" allowance for bias tape/facing, and appropriate allowance for flat felled seams.

The ear tab was extended to cover the mask underneath, and included allowance for support fabric (denim scrap in my case) to support two eyelets intended to thread the elastic of my mask through. Then it was just patterning out the rest of the mask elements and making note of seam allowance and how to cut each piece. I trimmed the tape holding together the card stock mask apart and finally got to cutting out the fabric once that was done.

There isn't anything fancy going on, the hardest part was just the inset mesh panel over the weirdly shaped keyhole cut outs on the mouth piece. It's just black nylon mesh typically used for interfacing bras sewn on after making the keyholes.

This fabric is like if toilet paper were a textile, which is great for breatheability and weight but absolutely hell for machine work like this. It's not for a competition so for me, hiding messy stitching with weathering later was ok.

The portion of the mask running from the underside of each ear tab was finished with homemade bias tape. The same method was used for finishing the top portion that runs over the bridge of my nose. The ends were simply folded and sewn down at the ear tabs for a clean finish.

The side "filters" have an extra 1/2" long extension so I can tack in the ends of some horse hair tubing, then double fold the fabric back into itself before hand tacking with tiny stitches from the outside. That helps the light fabric balloon out into that shape, along with another layer of that same mesh interfacing.

They are really fun actually, very floppy with great movement. Though they stick out a tad too much so I did add one small french tack to the center of each to help them point downwards but retain that movement. The "filter" took the most hand finishing out of the whole thing, but that was to be expected.

Once the little side "filters" were sewn in, there was just light weathering to do. I wanted to add some shadows and potential "mold spores" to certain areas to really make the texture pop and hide some messy stitching. Light passes with a dry brush and some acrylic helped a lot, so did referencing photos of mold growth on clothes.

It was a pass of burnt sienna along all seams and large patches where high humidity would accumulate. Then another lighter pass of burnt umber to deepen up areas, and some very sparse areas of white. Finally I wanted to give it the "blue cheese special" and mixed a little viridian green and that same white and hit the white areas first then dry brushed the spaces between mold patches. I'm trying to replicate active mold colonies so reference photos came in handy here. I also used some nail polish to match the grommets to fabric.

Maybe when I am not crunched for time I will get around to digitizing the pattern, but for now I hope the photos help anyone else trying to plan out a mask. Obviously the shape will change a lot depending on the sort of fabric and mask you have on under it, not to mention face shape. I would imagine bifolds would give you more her classic feed bag profile than an origami style mask, however.

[mandalhoerian]

leon kennedy + love languages analysis

It’s in Leon’s job description to help and serve, he’s always out there chasing bioweapons and their makers to save others or doing the bidding of his higher-ups — it’s all in the name of the right thing and out of his strong sense of justice. It doesn’t matter if he’s in an overbearing mission breathing down his neck in utmost priority, he will stop and try his best to help out a random citizen as you can see in RE6. He does also state in RE2 remake that helping people in need was why he chose his occupation, be it in his emo era too, Leon just can’t look away from innocent bystanders. Accepting to look for Claire’s brother when he just met her that night, and also the inability to leave Ada alone in the maze of the sewer he has no idea how to solve the puzzle to, and agreeing to whatever Helena wanted to show him when he was so suspicious of her because she was distraught and clearly in need of something are just some examples of this. 

He helps however he can, whenever he can; he also expresses great concern for the wellbeing of others before his own as it’s his main drive in life. Leon’s a man of duty and selfless in nature, the only time he’s done anything for himself was when he wanted to chase the trail of bioweapons in Eastern Slav Republic instead of pulling back like he was ordered to, and even that was work.   

Therefore we can say acts of service is his primary love language, so much so you would want him to take a break from it. 

Leon really doesn’t look after himself. 

His go-to self-destruction method is to indulge in alcohol to deal with his problems and drink away his feelings instead of seeking help. Maybe he doesn’t believe in getting help in his field of work (nobody has gone through what he has, and seen what he’s seen, and maybe he doesn’t want to bother people with any of it), but he does shut himself off and ignores his problems — doesn’t ask for help, at all. 

In Damnation, he pushes Hunnigan away when she tries to explain the situation to him and nonchalantly dissolves the conversation when she’s afraid he’s going to take off. In Vendetta, he’d rather fight Chris and put on a sarcastic demeanor than to express vulnerability when he clearly needs someone to be his confidant. He doesn’t want to share his burden, but will relentlessly pressure you to share yours.  

With his significant other, he would want to take on the weight of whatever’s on you regardless — from mundane things around the house like cleaning, fixing things, preparing breakfast so you can sleep a little bit more and being a great giver in bed to grander gestures like taking a bullet for you and becoming mean to you in order to keep you away from harm’s way (like he did with Claire at the end of Infinite Darkness, he lost his friendship with her but it kept her safe). Leon will go above and beyond to make life better and easier for you, but he is obsessed with your safety first and foremost. 

However, you will have problems with getting him to open up like I mentioned previously, he deals with his problems on his own and he won’t want to trouble you with whatever he’s going through at the moment — with the plus of his job being mostly confidential, it’s a struggle to help him when the most of his suffering comes from the loss and trauma that comes with it. 

It makes him emotional that you help in other areas though, when you clean up his place at times he is away for a long time, when you make a homemade meal cooked just for him, or when you offer to give him shoulder massages seeing as he’s extremely tired. He isn’t used to being taken care of, and part of him feels guilty, but he’s so appreciative and happy someone cares for him this much. 

Leon moves around quite often and is rarely at his place of residence, so he doesn’t spend a lot of time at home. Therefore, even when his place screams how fat his salary is from the outside, his house is not a home, it doesn’t have a lot in it and is basically empty like a ghost is living in it. And again, with being an agent comes the practicality of not having a lot on you so you can be more flexible, but it’s almost as if it reflects how little he thinks of his life and has nothing to leave behind if he dies on duty.  

He even has two default outfits, first is anything he can throw on himself (preferably jeans) with a leather jacket and the second is the agent outfit, which is just a suit (button-up shirts grew on him over the years.) He isn’t someone who treats himself aside from alcohol and he doesn’t care much for luxuries — the only materialistic things that could excite him were a bike and a bazooka, and both were found by him randomly and were tools to help him in action. 

What he chooses to own, though, are high in quality. His RE4 outfit has Schott’s Classic B-3 Sheepskin Leather Bomber Jacket is $1495 USD. He also drove to Racoon City in a Jeep that he had to abandon. Being rich makes you this carefree, huh? 

He has a lot more than he can spend, therefore I believe he would happily spend it on his significant other. Leon would be the type of guy who buys something out of nowhere because it reminded him of you, or that he saw you looking at it, maybe it was a chocolate bar, or maybe some random scented candle you thought looked sick. He loves seeing you surprised and delighted, and thinking of your space having the traces of him makes him happy — makes him feel the bond is more concrete and tangible. He’s a giver, so it’s only natural he gives presents too. 

Now, receiving gifts from you is another level of joy for him. Leon wouldn’t have thought he cared much about things like that but the thought. The idea of you thinking this much of him and putting your heart into it, there’s something intimate in it that has him feeling so important. Owning things you gave him has a special place in his heart, and he will take great care of them. Maybe he still has the wrapper of some ribbon from a package in his drawer, who’s to say? It’s the carnal desire to hold onto the proof of your existence, perhaps. 

Leon has absolutely no time at all for himself, and in his days off, they keep pulling him back for some unexpected emergency. His schedule is unpredictable. In RE4, he does say “Story of my life,” when Hunnigan reminds him that he’s on duty right now after he flirts with her. Then later, he reminds her that it was them who pulled him out of furlough for this when she tells him to fall back on his Eastern Slav Republic mission. Leon rarely gets any break from bioweapon fighting and over the years, the exhaustion has taken a toll on him, the only constant is chaos in his life, he scarcely can spare any mundane moments to his acquaintances as he barely has any time for himself. 

Quality time though, as he lacks so much of it, is something he yearns for deep down. I mean, hello, the way he wanted that dinner with Claire in Infinite Darkness? He really really wanted her company, and to catch up with her. He asked Shenmei as well. It's a crime that nobody accepted his requests, someone go get dinner with him right now.

It’s because he can’t spend time with people that he wants it so badly in the first place. That’s where he is also self-destructive and it’s a double-edged sword. He seeks company of flirtations because he’s lonely, yet he won’t pursue anything serious. He’s scared of committing to someone since it won’t work due to complications and the distance, it’ll get messy. 

He even deprives himself of friendships and is unwilling to let anyone get too close. Leon is an isolationist, yet he needs people in his life to process his trauma and grief and bully him about his drinking habits but keeps denying himself the company. 

And then there’s the fear of losing that person. He doesn’t spend any time getting close to people, he treasures the companions he has, but everybody is at an arm’s length. He already reacts so negatively to the deaths of allies he barely got to know briefly — Ada messed him up real good, too. How do you think he feels imagining what he could have had with her? He wants stability and settling, but Ada is anything but that. He chases every interaction to be longer, seeks her company just for their meeting to be stretched even by minutes. Leon gets attached so easily, and he deprives himself of time with them out of being scared by it. One part of him must be comfortable in his love for her because it’ll never become a reality, because she’ll never take him up to it, he’d rather take the suffering than the happiness. 

But quality time also is so important to him because it’s in these times of ordinary domesticity that he can find normalness outside the crazy undead shit he has to deal with. It helps him recharge and he craves having this to come back to. 

He would feel so guilty about not being able to be with his significant other, he could even forget important days and miss important moments of your life and he wouldn’t even know most of the time because he’s just so occupied and in survival mode for a while after he comes back. You would have to be understanding of his situation and forgiving, too, it’s not up to him whatever he gets called in for, and because you wouldn’t know what it was, it’s a great deal of practicing patience, and that’s why it’s hard being in a relationship with Leon. Hell, it’s the base reason why couples break up; the guy is inattentive and negligent and the girl breaks it off in the end. In this scenario, zombies are involved. 

You can only get the peaceful moments inbetween with him. And it has to be enough, and believe that he hates going away as much as you do and more.    

Leon hates being praised. He dislikes being heralded as some legend for getting out of Racoon City alive and his experiences ultimately leading him to rescuing the president’s daughter only to be elevated in praise more. 

He was just at the wrong place at the right time. He got lucky, ended up trailing behind Ada who was competent at what she did and reached the root of the problem just because he happened to run into her — it wasn’t him, it was just stars aligning. Pure coincidence. 

Leon sometimes thinks he didn’t deserve making it out, but he did anyway, and now this life of his belongs to a purpose, the purpose. 

He’s just doing his job. One shouldn’t be applauded for doing their job. 

Compliments make him uncomfortable and it’s the easiest way to make him clamp up on a conversation, he’ll vehemently deny whatever it is and change the subject. It looks like Leon’s being humble (he is), but there’s a deeper reason with an underlying imposter syndrome going on in the back of his mind. He just doesn’t feel worthy some days. 

Affirmations on the other hand also don’t come easy, he’s in one of the most coldly professional fields and it’s strictly business, and he is emotionally constipated and deeply traumatized, therefore there’s a lot he doesn’t say and he doesn’t know how to say, and he is bad at telling you what he wants. He’s good at sass and banter, but ask him to tell you about his nightmares and he’ll just hug you and go back to sleep. 

Leon isn’t used to expressing affection through words either, and prefers to show it instead. You’ll know he loves you even if he doesn’t say it outright. But with his significant other, though, he’ll do his best to learn to be more affectionate with words to you to show his appreciation — just prepare for shy and awkward Leon. The soft side of him comes out this way, he’ll hesitantly ask you to stay and he’ll look so young doing it that it’ll melt your heart.   

Leon is one touch-starved poor bastard. 

Here’s the reason why: he’s a pretty lonely guy but he’d rather indulge in the warmth of a person than letting them in. Solitude is a personal preference of his, and it leads him to seeking out temporary companionship to feed this part of his. Meaningless one-night stands are a go-to of his, as they mean no deeper connection but all the skin to skin contact and the soothing heat beside him. If he’s lucky, his partner would pet his head during the deed, or caress his face, now those are the treat. 

If he could just let go and the perfect opportunity arose, he would just lie in the arms of his significant other for hours being hugged by them, enveloped in the coziness, head empty and fuzzy. Those would be the perfect naps he needed, because wow does this guy not sleep well.    

It would be a first for him to get affectionate touches coming with a friendship as well, it’s been a lifetime since he let himself be that way with someone, it’s not easy to get him to be chummy and lighthearted with you in that aspect. He’s a well-mannered guy too, so he’s the type to keep a respectable distance even when he’s being playful. Half-hugs, back pats and handshakes are the best you’re going to get as his friend, and they don’t happen often.   

The clinginess blooms well into the relationship after Leon gets comfortable with exploring that childish, neglected part of his. He would adore hugs, hand-holding, reaching out to grab you casually while sitting next to you in the confines of your private space, you would feel his love through him seeking you out for comfort voluntarily and lowering his serious exterior to be relaxed around you. His utmost weakness is you playing with his hair and tracing his face with your fingers, because he goes out like a light almost immediately.  

Leon also won't be rough with you physically while bonking so don't expect playfighting and do not hit him while joking around, he gets thrown around and hurt so much as it is (the amount of being strangled by tyrants and plagas? no, he's not into choking), and he tends to be extremely tender and sweet. Though you might discover a pretty interesting side of him if you decide to be assertive and take care of him in bed, you might just get addicted to how shy he could get.

[header template credits]

[samwisethewitch]

Mushroom Broth Recipe

There's a pretty simple backstory here: I wanted to make soup, but when I went to buy groceries the store was out of both vegetable broth and bouillon, but had mushrooms on sale. I did some Internet searching and learned that making your own broth is pretty simple and easy, so I decided to try making my own mushroom broth to use as a substitute for vegetable broth in my recipes.

In my Internet searching, I also learned the actual difference between a broth and a stock. Although most people use the words interchangeably, stock is traditionally made from bones, while broth is made with meat and/or vegetables. This is kind of fun, because it means that "bone broth" is actually, by definition, bone stock, and "vegetable stock" doesn't exist.

This recipe is my own creation but it's very, very flexible. You can swap out the vegetables and herbs to suit your own tastes. If you wanted to, you could switch the brown mushrooms for a trendier medicinal mushroom, like reishi or chaga, or for whatever your grocery store has. You could also use the same method to make other homemade broths, like vegetable broth or chicken broth.

Ingredients:

One carton of brown mushrooms (these are sometimes labeled baby bella mushrooms or crimini mushrooms)

One onion, roughly chopped

[optional] One cup of dry white wine (I used chardonnay)

8 cups water

Dried thyme, to taste

Salt and pepper, to taste

Garlic powder, to taste

Olive oil or another cooking oil

Recipe:

Saute the mushrooms in olive oil over medium heat for 10 minutes.

While the mushrooms are cooking, go ahead and chop the onion. I like to leave the skin on when I'm making broth (it adds a really nice color), but you can remove it if you want.

Add the onions to the pan, and saute for another 10 minutes (or 20 minutes if you decide to skip the next step).

Add your white wine, stir everything together and let it simmer for (you guessed it!) another 10 minutes to let the alcohol cook off.

Add 8 cups of water to the pot with your mushrooms. Add the thyme, garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Turn the heat up to high.

When the water comes to a boil, turn the heat down to low and cover the pot with a lid. Let simmer for at least 2 hours.

When your broth is done simmering, use a sieve to strain out the mushroom and onion chunks and transfer the liquid to a clean container. Store the container in the fridge and use it in the same ways you would use vegetable, chicken, or beef broth when cooking.

[suraemoon]

It Couldn’t Be Better

Elvis x Reader - snippets of Elvis’ first Christmas with your family

Warnings: None really, just fluff and flirting

WC: 3.8k (was supposed to a blurb idk what happened)

A/N: Look, I’m aware that this isn’t good and is all over the place. I’d spend a few more days on it if I could but today is Christmas (yay!) and it would make no sense to post it any other day. I put in my masterlist that this would hopefully be out by the 25th and here it is. It’s based on the prompts “It could be worse” and something along the lines of “a character’s parent makes them tacky christmas sweaters” Merry Christmas y’all!!!!! I LOVE YOU.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“It could be worse.” Your voice radiates fake optimism as your manicured nails pick a piece of lint from the homemade, bright red knitted sweater on your upper half.

You look up from your quick maintenance to be met with Elvis’ scrunched nose and concentrated eyes as his hand pulls on his sweater's borderline turtleneck collar, a bright “Christmas tree” green to complement yours festively.

The sweaters were beautifully knit with white stripes going back in forth in turn with the chosen festive color. Glued on the knit were an array of tinseled pompoms and ironed on were different designs of patches. Smiles, hearts, stars, animals, santa’s, snowflakes, etc; they all looked like they’d be better suited on a girl’s poodle skirt. “Eh..I guess.”

Your mama had sent you two up to your bedroom to get ready in time for Christmas dinner with your whole extended family.

From her spot next to the stove in the kitchen, one that seemed permanent for her during the holiday season, Mama was cooking up her signature feast and the scent of food filled the air teasingly. The smell enveloped everyone and only built up anticipation for later in the day.

Earlier in the day, when the cold wind flowed in anticipation and the white snowflakes made themselves home, you and your boyfriend had been tasked with cleaning the whole house from top to bottom.

One of the most famous men in the country having his first Christmas at your house? Mama was quick to put a broom in his hand for she had the elder generational quality to not spend her time focusing on pop culture and society but instead what needed to be done in order to keep her home running smoothly, especially during the holidays.

“You need to wash my windows, clean my counters, sweep and mop the floors…”

You couldn’t stop a huff from leaving your lips at the housekeeping task for this was the first year that you desired to be in the kitchen, observant to her methods and helping when you can.

Your mother was easily the best cook you knew, she knew the kitchen like the back of her hand, and with your growing relationship with Elvis starting to become more and more serious, you started thinking about your own cooking skills…well the lack of.

One day you will be handed the baton of Thanksgiving and Christmas meals and there’s no harm in trying to learn the ins and outs of it now.

“You need to give the dog a bath, make sure every bedroom in the house looks neat…”

The urge to be a housewife never striked upon your young ambitious mind until you met Mr. Elvis Presley. He unknowingly had the ability to cooking, cleaning, and raising children seemed so much more desirable. A life centered around being his subservient, supportive wife seemed delicious when his hand was intertwined in yours. A few years ago, a younger and singler you would’ve called yourself crazy. Nowadays you just call yourself in love.

“You got it, ma’am.”

Elvis met this list of chores as long as Santa Claus’ list with a smile for he was a restless person always looking for something to do, always searching for an excuse to move, and you knew deep down that he missed his own mama telling him to do stuff.

Now, a few hours later, that genuine go-with-the-flow grin was replaced with the tug of his lip genuinely trying its best to exude politeness as his hand tugged on the collar of his christmas sweater again, the top of his pale collarbone teasing you in the process.

The sun was now lower in the sky but the clouds did not tire from dropping snowflakes anywhere they could. The warm light of your lamp illuminated your freshly tidied room.

It fit the comfort of the holiday spirit better than the sunshine of the early day where brightness flowed through every window as you cleaned them with a rag, the circular motion of your hand mirrored the making of a snowball. Now the view out of the window was a grayish storm of flurries, weather in which a warm sweater would come in handy.

To make light of an awkward situation, you decide to embrace it and do a quick spin in front of him, showing off your full festive outfit. The cranberry red of your oversized sweater is paired with a black leather mini skirt and black leather boots to match.

It’s an outfit that you wouldn’t usually ever wear for a family event like this. But your boyfriend's overwhelming presence: fingers that you knew would always intertwine with yours as if meant to be, an arm that would never fail to wrap around your waist, feet that would always gravitate towards being around you, it all filled you with an indescribable sense of confidence.

The pure sex appeal Elvis exuded 24/7, seemingly effortless as if the attraction comes with his nature, always inclined you to put your all into matching it’s magnetic energy. The spin stops and your feet go to tippy toes to reach up and kiss his sugar plum lips. “What do ya think?”

Elvis wets his lips as if your lipstick had a flavor and his eyes look you over your figure fully as he takes your hand to give you a quick little twirl. Instead of a full 360 it was more of two 180’s since he stopped a second to take a quick look at your back side.

A low whistle was the background music to the rest of your orbit and his cheeky little smile seemed to glow when in the presence of your maroon red lipstick. “I think I gotta see what’s under it. Gonna let me do a little inspection? Wanna make sure everything’s sitting right…working the way it’s sposed ta.”

“Elvis! It’s Christmas…gotta be family friendly.”

He chuckles as a response comes too quickly to brain, “I wanna get real friendly with you, honey.”

You hit his shoulder playfully, “Stop that.”

“Hey! It’s Christmas, honey. Thought we had to be family friendly and that hitting ain’t very holly jolly of ya. I’m surprised Santa didn’t give ya coal this year.”

“Oh please. I don’t think Santa would mind me putting ya in line for naughty thoughts.”

“I don’t think Santa would mind me bending ya over my knee for a smart mouth but…” He shrugs, putting his sleeves in his pants pockets.

You stick out your tongue at him and he laughs his beautiful laugh. Gliding as if on ice back to the mirror of your vanity, you apply some more blush to your cheeks. Getting a little too warm and secretly having the cheeky desire to show more skin, you subconsciously fold the ribbed collar of your sweater down a little bit.

When met with the black and purple of a hickey on the side of your neck, immediately the collar is put back in its original place, the fabric willing to revert back to how it was supposed to be worn and mocking you in the process as if saying “told you so”.

A whisper escapes your lip, “Jesus…”

Elvis perks up from the seat he has taken on your bed in response, for he loves an opportunity to talk to (and tease) his favorite girl, “Lord’s name in vain on his birthday?”

Your eyes, framed by black liner and an eyeshadowed lid, meet his through the mirror of the vanity, “Elvis what’d ya do to my neck? It ain’t ever been this much before.”

“Hmm…” His arms are at his sides, stabilizing himself against the plush of the comforter, and he looks simply adorable with his false pout as if thinking of a smart remark to respond with.

“Hm indeed.”

He chuckles, “Today about love ain’t it? You don’t wanna put ya collar down and show everyone how much I love ya?”

“Elvis…”

As if automatic, your eyes roll playfully and he decides to continue, “Not gonna show off that pretty little neck, huh? You always look pretty but you look even prettier when you’re all marked up…all claimed.”

“You’re too much.” You shake your head, trying to cool off the influx of red that has awoken on your cheeks.

“People wanna know which one’s E.P.’s girl? Oh, they’ll know. She got the love marks to prove it. She’s the only girl I wanna love on.”

Your soft hands go up to cover your face but they make sure to keep a safe distance in order to not mess up the canvas of progress you have made at the vanity. “Shoo…you’re too distracting. I gotta finish my makeup.”

“So…?”

“So…they’re staying covered.”

A few minutes later, he speaks again from a spot on your bed as you apply the finishing touches of your makeup. “No offense to your mama, honey, but…I don't think homemade holiday sweaters are really in trend. Not these ones at least.”

His slight frown gives way to a bright laugh, a sound prettier than the jingle bells adorning the sleeves of his sweeter.

“Everyone’s gonna be wearing one so we’re all gonna be weird together.”

“Mm.”

“Last year was polka dots…polka dots. So count yourself lucky you weren’t around for that.”

Your mother’s homemade knitted wool Christmas sweaters have been a longstanding tradition in your family since….forever. When asked, it was your great-great grandmother that started it years ago. Or was it your great-great-great grandma? No one would be surprised if the family’s Christmas sweater fascination started way back in the simple days of the cavemen when your neanderthal ancestors were in need of warmth and for some odd reason in addition to fire and sharpened sticks, they had the supplies to create tacky garments of clothing.

You and Elvis started dating in January, so this year was full of firsts with this cold December wrapping it up lovingly in a snug little bow.

When dinner was served at Elvis’ first Thanksgiving with your family, the unusual but warmly content silence around the large, wooden dinner table was interrupted abruptly by your mother’s sudden thought. A soft gasp called for hungry heads to look up from their plates.

You would think there was a lightbulb above her head or that an epiphany to solve world hunger was in her thoughts. Your mama looked at Elvis with a gleeful smile, “I’ve gotta ‘nother Christmas sweater to make this year!” You remember the way Elvis’ smile was apprehension coating in politeness, wondering what the hell she was talking about. Your mama made clothes? How has that never come up?

His blue eyes widened for a full second about two weeks later when he was sat quickly by your mother on the couch with a gift box practically shoved in his hands. “Sit, sit ,sit!” Your mama said as if a little kid again.

The same eagerness did not translate to when you sat down, as by now you knew the routine by heart. You got practically the same gift two weeks before Christmas every single year. Just different designs, patterns, and decor but in its essence the same gift filled with the same love. This was always around the time when mama gave everyone there sweaters either in person or by mail.

Now that you think about it…this giftbox looks suspiciously similar to the same one you opened last year. Is that why your mama made sure you were careful not to break it?

The ornaments on the tree, a brand new one from last year right next to one you crafted out of popsicle sticks and cardboard in kindergarten. The nostalgia and newness blended seamlessly on the forest green branches.

The opening of boxes takes attention away from the tree, a happy presence willing to blend into the background the best it can. Your perfectly wrapped and ribboned rectangle has not even been touched but you watch intently as Elvis tries to carefully peel the tape off the side of the box. Your mother wouldn’t have minded if he tore it to shreds. She would’ve told you off if you had dared, but with Elvis it would’ve been alright.

“Y-you really didn’t hafta get me anything, ma’am. It’s real kind of you.”

Your mother replies matter of factly, “Are you kidding? It’s Christmas! Of course I had to give my son-in-law something.” You and Elvis weren’t married. Not yet. But the law of the heart doesn’t care about physical papers. In the minds of your welcoming family, new people were accepted with open arms and once their hearts got on Elvis they never want him to go.

Elvis brings his attention to you for the first time in a while, lifting your chin up gently with his hands as he admires your face. “You already blessed me with your beautiful daughter. She’s better than any gift, no doubt.” A shade of pink flushes over your face as Elvis gives you a quick, soft kiss.

“Awww. My two little turtle doves. Well, I’m allowed to give ya more than one gift so go ‘head.”

When the top of the box is lifted off, a tiny sweet sounding gasp escapes Elvis’ lips as his eyes fall on the christmas sweater. “O-oh…wow, ma’am. It’s, it’s really somethin’.”

Mama watches intently, “Do ya like it?”

He could pass for a deer in headlights. “More than like it. I can’t wait to wear it for um..Christmas.”

You couldn’t help but giggle at the false enthusiasm and at this noise mom’s attention turns straight to you and the box on your lap, narrowing her eyes and crossing her arms, “Are you too cool in front of your boyfriend to open yours?”

Shaking your head, the faint sound of Christmas radio sings in your ears as you open your first gift of Christmas. It’s red to go with Elvis’ green. Youthful to contrast with a growing daughter, homey and nostalgic to compete with a fast, changing lifestyle.

Your smile is genuine as you reply, “Thanks mama. It’s really nice.”

All three of you share the most comfortable of silences. It wasn’t silent really, music flowed through the room and firewood crackled; the background ambience that makes any December day anymore special.

The memories of your mother and her cute interactions with your boyfriend (all of which showing she approved of him greatly) was interrupted by the voice of the man himself. All of sudden you were brought back where you were: in your room getting ready with the person you love the most on the 25th of December.

“You ready to go down, honey? I think I heard some people walk in.”

“Oh..yeah! Let’s go.” Taking his hand, you walk over to the door.

“Wait a second…” Your mind immediately goes to the lamp you left on but his mind is somewhere else completely. He leans down to kiss you, long and hard. The unexpected passion takes you back but your heels stay steady on the ground, all of your attention on kissing him back with the same fervidity. His calloused hand is on your soft cheek and your fingers flow through his black hair. You want the moment to never end but like all things in life it inevitably does.

“Now we can go.” His smirk is teasing and playful. He knows the effect he has on you. He knows by your red cheeks and wide eyes how weak he can make you.

“I-” Practically speechless you just nod and take his hand, walking shakily out of the door. He laughs at the sudden urgency, slapping your behind playfully as you walk in front of him.

When your face, your whole body for that matter, started to become less warm and all of the many happy greetings to family and friends were finished, the evening was going splendidly. Laughs and cheer filled the space and joy at being back together radiated off of everyone in the room.

This year, you started to become more aware of not only yourself but your surroundings. What would this look like to a fly on the wall? What would it look like to a man attending his first Christmas with the loved ones that you have grown up being accustomed to? The Christmas tree shined brightly, decorated with a mismatched array of ornaments that went together perfectly. Every seat had a person and the garlands that Elvis hung up on the walls looked down at everyone adoringly.

From your spot standing in the open arched doorway connecting the dining room and living room you are a true wall flower for a moment. You notice how the group of younger teenage cousins brought their friends over for dinner for the first time ever and it just so happened to be the year where Elvis Presley started to attend the gathering. Giggles and whispers came from the corners of the living room, juveniles no longer embarrassed by matching tacky sweaters.

Looking away, your knowing smirk turns into a wide, adoring smile as you turn your attention to Elvis playing with your littlest cousins on the fluffy rug.

Unlike their older counterparts, their innocent smiles are refreshing for they are oblivious to the fact that it is the Elvis Presley playing with them.

To the little ones, he’s just Mr. Elvis, a friend to play with. He’s cradling the youngest baby gently in his arms while sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor. A toddler in two pigtails and a bright pink knit sweater plays in his gelled hair as if on an oblivious mission to mess it up.

Little Jane managed to get her hand on a brush and was trying to play make-believe hair salon with your boyfriend. “Sit still, Mr. Elvis!”

“Oops.” Elvis winces as the hard brush hits him on the side of the head. “I’m trying, honey, I really am. Hard when you’re trying ta pull my hair out.”

“I’m tryna make ya look pretty! If you wanna look a mess just say it.”

“Maybe sometimes I wanna look a mess.”

She groans, “You hardly got a lotta hair anyway. It’s all shiny and too hard ta make ponies.” And just like that, with an attention span the size of her tiny legs, she abandons both Elvis and the brush to go play with a group of older kids about older elementary age.

Elvis chuckles lightly and focuses on the small baby still in his lap, trying to grab at him with chubby hands. His plush lashes flutter gently as he looks down and gives the little cherub all of his pretty attention and you swear right then and there, your heart was about to escape from your chest.

“Ain’t you the cutest? You’re the cutest, ain’t ya?” The baby giggles an infectious giggle and Elvis’ smirk is just as adorable.

“I gotta get myself one of ya. A cute little baby. A littlun just like you.”

“I gotta get myself one of ya.” He’s talking to a baby, and you’re his girlfriend, the only one who can help him with that wish. Stuck in place, your legs feel weak as you lean on the wall next to you for support and your stomach can be easily compared to a snow globe filled with a flurry of snowflakes. If hearts can do somersaults, yours has many times since you’ve met Elvis.

His hand envelops one of the baby’s white socks gently. “Tiny little sooties too.”

The baby’s gummy grin gets wider as he kicks his feet, fascinated with Elvis’ hand like a new toy. Your boyfriend moves up from the itty bitty feet to tickle the tiny belly lying in front of him, then his palm relaxes, moving up and down in a soothing motion over the little one’s soft sweater. By the way Elvis’ pink lips move you can tell he has started to sing a song. It’s a quiet melody just between him and the baby he's holding. The most beautiful, adorable secrets.

When you remember that you are an actual person in the room and your legs feel less like jello, in your head you decide to walk over to the spot on the rug where Elvis is sitting but before your heels could move a second step, the ringing of a bell fills the room.

“Dinner everyone!” The voice of your mother is a saving grace to every hungry soul in the house.

Elvis stands up, holding the baby securely as if he has been a professional at holding infants his whole life. The mother, your eldest cousin, walks over shyly with a blush on her face as she carefully takes the baby from Elvis’ arms so he could go eat.

“You’ve got a really cute daughter, honey…well her mama’s cute so I know where she got it from.”

Flustered, her mouth parts a little as she adjusts the smiley baby on her hip. “O-oh. Um..thank you. Thank you very much.”

He had a way of speaking, a beautiful charm, that could make any woman he comes across blush. No matter how long the sparkly wedding ring has been on their ring finger. By the way she looked at Elvis, you wouldn’t know that the young mother has been married to her actual husband for two years. You’d think the baby in her hands was Elvis’.

Elvis smirked his “I know what I’m doing” cheeky grin and kissed the baby’s cheek before walking away.

Suddenly, You and Elvis start to walk to each other simultaneously as if all that time apart wore you out and you needed another dose, attracting like the opposite sides of the strongest magnet, the two of you meet in the middle of the room.

You’re the next to get your cheek kissed and he whispers to you, “Remember when ya said earlier that things could be worse when I was grumbling ‘bout the sweater.”

“Oh, I remember.”

He holds your hand and begins to lead you to the kitchen as he finishes his thought. “I’ll tell ya. Today couldn’t get better, honey. It really couldn’t.”

As you walk, the voices of tiny children ring out suddenly, “Mistletoe! Mistletoe!” It took Elvis tapping your shoulder and pointing up to notice that the audience was addressing you and him. Through long lashes you look up and indeed a piece of green hangs above in the archway that you and Elvis stand in. To any on-looker the image of you two could’ve been a painting. You indeed felt frozen in time.

“It’s the mistletoe! That’s your boyfriend, you gotta kiss!” The tiny voices continued their protesting.

Elvis smiles at you, “Well, I guess it could get a little better. It’s bad luck to ignore the mistletoe. Need to feel ya on me…been too long.”

“Merry Christmas, Elvis.” Just like that, you reach up and kiss him, your thumb moving back and forth on his cheek as you tilt your head to the side. He starts kissing you back immediately and an eruption of tiny cheers fills the room.

[corvuscorona]

The best thing about birthdays, all the time but ESPECIALLY in adulthood, is the opportunity they give you to really commit to a Themed Celebration of some kind.

I'm in adulthood + it was my birthday recently, and also, about 6 months before that birthday, @2000sanimeop & I were driven permanently insane by Stranger of Paradise, so obviously the only reasonable course of action was to invent an Astos-themed cocktail, learn to make edible crystals (for cake decorations), make burgers with squid-ink brioche buns, accidentally find a real recipe for a joke "what if tater tots were cube-shaped" idea we had at like 11:00 at night one time, and completely, fully go to town, all weekend, on manifesting The Jackstos Meal physically in our home.

(Art by @2000sanimeop)

Please allow me to sell you on the KING OF THE DARK ELVES.

First & most importantly, it tastes fucking amazing. Having chosen ingredients based mostly on wishes + vibes, I wasn't sure what to expect, exactly, but between the berry flavor of the cassis, the orange in the curaçao, & whatever arcane bullshit is going on with the indigo gin, the final product tastes impressively like bubbly sangria.

Secondly: one (1) of these things is enough, which feels appropriate, somehow. An Astos cocktail should be powerous, I think, & this POTION of a drink fits the bill.

It's elegant. It's over-the-top. There is so much alcohol in it. I cannot recommend the KING OF THE DARK ELVES enough.

If you can't find Astos-themed cocktail picks, homemade is fine.

[ Gold North Star Charm ] ☆ [ gold jump rings, any ] ☆ [ Circle Top Cocktail Picks ]

Now, about the crystals.

They're strawberry-flavored! We used this recipe for kohakutō, which uses just sugar, water, agar agar [1], food coloring, and flavor extract (plus citric acid, if you feel like it).

[1] Ignore what it says about having to use the one specific brand of agar agar. What they mean is that this recipe is written for agar agar with no included sugar; if there's sugar in the brand that's most available to you, just do math about it! (Sorry. It will work, though.)

It took a couple of hours to cut the crystal shapes, but it was enjoyable, meditative work, and the candy itself doesn't take long to make at all. We got strawberry flavoring specifically for candy-making, which came in very very cute small tiny bottles, at Michael's.

(The Birthday Soul Burst Cheesecake was orange-flavored, and also purple. This gave it an effect not unlike those skittles where the colors don't "match" the flavors, or a mystery flavor airhead, or some other Trick Food. It was awesome. Look at this thing!!)

But, hey, now that we know everything about the crystals...

Are those cubes?

(Yes.) There is a real, existing recipe, on our real internet, for cubes made out of grated russet potatoes. I made them. It was pretty easy, but if I had to do it again, I'd start earlier in the day (the "freeze the slab of cooked potato shreds before cutting it into cube shapes" step, while not strictly necessary, would have made it easier to get clean lines), and I'd probably try replacing the potato starch with a slurry of potato starch and water. I've used the slurry method for sweet potato fries in the past, and it gives them a really nice, crispy coating.

( I would, however, stick to my guns as far as "refusing to deep-fry them" goes. Nobody should have to deep-fry anything on their birthday. Also, I was correct to add some dried thyme and parsley while I was initially cooking the shreds. )

(Art by @2000sanimeop)

Overall, the Cubes were a good first attempt, and made an appropriate side to eat with the Burger of Darkness [2]. The little glass cauldron of terrifying red slop, to the left of the plate in the photo above, is of course Jack's Chaos Sauce [3].

[2] A normal burger, except that the bun was made with squid ink. My household is split 50/50 on whether this made it taste weird or not, but it LOOKED fantastic. Incidentally, if you're like me 1 calendar year ago & think burgers might be kind of a pain in the ass to cook indoors, check out this method from smittenkitchen. (The Burger of Darkness is topped with Colby-Jack (lol) cheese, dijon mustard, and the pickled red onions on this page, also smittenkitchen.) [3] I know what you're thinking. "What could that possibly fucking mean?" Well, it means that I combined mayonnaise, white vinegar, and S&B crunchy garlic topping, which are all 3 of the ingredients for a dipping sauce I have made in the past for also sweet potato fries, and then I added red food coloring until it looked scary and bad. It tasted perfectly acceptable, but dealt psychic damage to everyone present. I recommend trying this. For fun.

The skull-shaped cocktail picks, I bought on a whim well before I knew what I was ever going to do with them. I like to think that this was fate, speaking to me via deeply mysterious channels, as usual.

They now live with the Astos picks, in my cupboard, where I can easily reach them anytime I feel like it, which I hope will be often & for every possible reason.

🥳 💀 ✨

[alumirp]

White Blood, Red Teeth

a story where Luffy is constantly found by his friends having overdoses. It's a terrible behavior that started after Ace's death and everyone thinks it's a horrible coping method and finally gets together to admit him to a rehabilitation clinic. It's against his will, of course, so he resists and has withdrawal attacks and it's so bad that he goes on a hunger strike and loses a huge amount of weight and subsequently ends up with deteriorating health. A year and a half later, finally, after all this, the clinic considers him rehabilitated, although he is still underweight and doesn't eat as much as he should, but everyone is sure that Luffy will never look for drugs again. They are wrong and less than forty-eight hours after being released from the clinic, Zoro and Sanji find Luffy having another overdose in the bathroom of the apartment the three share. This time, the two decide to take a more aggressive approach and go after Luffy's drug dealer. Luffy is always talking about the guy, whom he calls Torao, who supposedly helped him cope with Ace's death. Whenever asked what he's on, Luffy responds "Torao's white blood", which Zoro and Sanji assume is the name of some homemade drug or something. Whatever it is, this Torao guy, is clearly taking advantage of Luffy's grief. to make a profit, so they stop at the drug dealer's address, almost knocking down the door, ready to give this guy 'Torao' a good beating and deliver him directly into the hands of Luffy's grandfather, a half-crazy police officer. They are surprised when the person who answers the door is a guy who goes by the name Penguin, who, strangely enough, lets them in easily after discovering that they are Luffy's friends. The house is nice, clean, airy, comfortable and cozy, everything you don't expect from a drug dealer's house. The place looks practically sterile in a hospital kind of way, which makes sense when they are finally introduced to the infamous Torao, a tall, malnourished guy who walks around on an IV. They confront 'Torao', who introduces himself as actually being Trafalgar Law, about the drugs he has been giving Luffy and the effects it has on their friend and, strangely, are surprised when: Law says he has never given drugs a Luffy and b: Law is surprised and then irritated when he is told about the "Toraos white blood" thing. Law then sighs and surprisingly takes off his shirt and displays his torso, covered in deep, fresh-looking bites, and proceeds to explain the craziest story of all time: Vampires are real and Luffy was turned into one the day Ace died. Law found him, injured and starving, and saved his life. He then explains that he is sick, his blood was infected from a young age with amber lead and he was living on borrowed time, so he had no qualms about feeding Luffy his blood. But they were both taken by surprise by the fact that, every time Luffy fed on him, his condition unexpectedly improved. But Law had no idea that his blood caused Luffy to overdose. He knew that there seemed to be a factor that made him somewhat dependent and Luffy was always lethargic in the first few minutes after feeding, but he never thought that his blood was acting as a drug for Luffy's undead organism. That's why in the year and a half that Luffy simply disappeared, Law, and his friends, simply thought that the vampire had gotten tired of helping Law and had left. They had been surprised when, last night, Luffy appeared out of nowhere on their doorstep and promptly attacked Law, feeding on him until Law was barely able to stay awake. Furthermore, in the time that Luffy was gone, Law's condition simply deteriorated terribly and he was practically convinced that he wouldn't make it until the end of the year. And now, they have to find a way to balance Luffy's feeding so that Law can survive, but in such a way that Luffy doesn't suffer side effects either. Everything becomes a mess when Robin, a mysterious friend of Zoro, gets involved, announcing that in fact, Law has been cursed by a witch.

[supernaturalfreewill]

You heard heavy boot steps coming up the hall and stepped out from the kitchen with a mixing spoon still in hand. “You’re back so soon,” you said, though you had to admit that you weren’t disappointed to see Sam and Dean home already and completely unharmed.

Dean, however, looked annoyed. “Case wasn’t a case,” he growled. “Not our kind of thing.”

“Oh—well, I’m glad you’re back safe,” you said, watching him retreat down the hall. He acknowledged that with a weak wave and continued toward his room, but Sam stopped beside you, dropping his duffel bag heavily on the floor. He gave you a smile. “He seems upset,” you said hesitantly.

Sam nodded and laughed. “Yeah... It wasn’t a wendigo, just a bunch of stoners who got so high they couldn’t find their way back to the campsite after ‘communing with nature’. Rangers had them outta there before we even pulled up. They were stuffing their faces with pancakes about the time we pulled in.”

“Oh,” you nodded. “Everyone is okay?” Sam nodded. “Then why is Dean so upset?”

“He wanted to use the flame thrower,” Sam explained, laughing and shaking his head a little. 

You laughed. “Ahh. Makes sense. Oops,” you said, stepping back when a dark crimson blob of something dripped off the spoon and landed on the floor. You and Sam both looked down at it.

Sam smiled at you again. “You were anxious?” he ventured, catching your eyes again.

You nodded. “Well... yeah...”

He swiped a finger on the remainder of the residue on the spoon. “Strawberry?” he asked.

“Strawberry rhubarb!” you grinned. 

“Even better,” he nodded. He wrapped you in a hug, his arms going all the way around you and squeezing just tight enough. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you when we go out on cases. I know what it’s like to sit around and worry.”

“Yeah,” you said, pulling back, careful not to get jam on his shirt. “I suppose you do.”

“Alright,” he said, a hand light on your back, nudging you toward the kitchen and carefully stepping over the glob on the floor. “You better show me what you’ve been up to in here.” He followed you in and you smiled a little sheepishly as he took in the mess of dirty bowls and pots, leftover discarded fruit, and the sticky counter that was absolutely blanketed with freshly canned homemade jams and jellies. He shook his head fondly and smiled at you. “You’re my favorite person in the whole world,” he laughed. 

“Wait until you taste the blueberry,” you said proudly. “It’s maybe my best batch yet. A little lemon for brightness. Perfection!”

He rolled up his shirt sleeves, getting ready to help you clean up the aftermath of your coping method, and gave you a warm look. “Can’t wait.”

Prompt: “You’re my favorite person in the whole world.”

[comfortabletextiles]

I thought, that I should probably look at how much weight the fleece lost, after cleaning. And also give a soft of report about the amount of water and energy used, and his clean it got.

Under the cut, because looooooong

Roughly 100g raw fleece, cleaned with unicorn power scour made 75,29g of fiber

Very clean, zero amount of oil or lanolin can be feeled, smells like wool and a but like the power scour. Doesn't feel felted. The ends are a tad yellow

Recourses: Used 2 liters if the hottest available tabwater (47°C), 3,8g of unicorn power scour and roughly 8 liter of hot water to rinse (around 38°C-40°C).

Work: let it soak and rinse it out. Very easy, not much Equipment or brain power needed

Roughly 100g raw fleece, cleaned with homemade chestnut detergent made 77,50g of fiber

Still dirt left, we'll see how it cleans out while combing and caring, there seems to be a minimal amount of lanolin left, but it's so little I am not Shure. Ends are almost brown. Also smells kind of bad

Recourses: 5 chestnuts peeled and cut, simmered with 300ml for 15 minutes, 2l of my hottest tab water, around 8 liters for rinsing.

Work: collecting, Peeling and cutten the chestnuts, then soaking and rinsing the wool.

Roughly 100g raw fleece, cleaned with potash made 79,95g of fiber

Very clean, no traces of oil or lanolin. Smells like clean wool, ends very compacted still, also the most felted from all the projects (not badly felted though)

Recourses: 60g potash (had to order it online, not even the alternative apothecary had it), 3 liter of cold water to rinse it beforehand, 2 liter of hot water to simmer it, something to simmer the wool in and 6 liter to rinse

Work: the most workintens process, aquire the potash, rinse the wool, simmer it (but not to hot, so you need something to monitor the temperature) rinse it again... but you can reuse the potash water lots. So good if you want to clean lots of wool, but I think it's also the one where you can make the most mistakes...

Roughly 50g raw fleece, cleaned with dish soap made 39,67g of fiber

No lanolin left, smells clean, not too yellow, but some dirt was left. Not felted

Recourses: around a table spoon of dish soap, 2 liter of hot tabwater, 4 liter of tabwater to rinse

Work: soak and rinse very easy

Roughly 50g raw fleece, cleaned with wool fiber detergent made 38,85g of fiber

Very clean, almost now yellowijg, smells like wool and hint of the detergent we use, not felted

Recourses: 60ml (one serving?) Of wool laundry detergent, 2 liter of hot tab water and 6 liter to rinse

Work: soak and rinse again

Now to the most Interesting method imo!

The suint fermentation

Roughly 50g raw fleece, cleaned with fermentating it in destilled water made 40,31g of fiber

Very clean, despite some lanolin left, the whitest of them all, not felted very soft, smells the most like wool (it's a bit dirty because I dropped it on the balcony floor)

Recourses: well I bouth a black bucket with a lid So I can do it without smell attacking my neighbors, 2 liter of destilled water (or rain water, but I can't really collect that) 4 liter to rinse (same temperature as the suint bath

Work: fill the bucket with water and wool. Then wait, rinse and let it dry in the sun (so it goes faster) I didn't mind the smell to much. You mostly smell it when you open the bucket and while rinsing, after that it vanished very fast. Needed the least amount of energy.

Roughly 50g raw fleece, cleaned with fermentating it in hard tab water made 40,66g of fiber

A bit more lanolin that the destilled water. Not Shure if that is due to the harder water or that the weather got colder and I had to stop. Very soft to the touch. A bit more yellow in the tips than the destilled water and smells like wool but in an unpleasant way (not really bad, but also nothing I want to shove my nose into)

Recourses: same as destilled water but ran water

Work: also same as destilled water

All in all, I loved the fermentation the most, also I heard that you can store the bath over a year, so you can make it in time warm season and just store it for the next?? Very cool. Feels raw in the same way that spinning the locks without combing or carding. 10/10 also very recourses friendly, doesn't take lots of energy (body, brain and electric) and the least amount of work (the most work I had with it was setting up my very safe totally not dangerous way of drying it)

My least favorite was the potash, it's lots of extra steps like: getting everything out of storage to simmer it, get some potash (that you'll need lots of) let it simmer for 8 minutes, let it rest for 8 and then rinse! If you have a dedicated space for it, it could be very easy, but I don't have that space 😬

Unicorn power scour is also good. Got it very clean, was very easy and no unpleasant smells, also very fast.

[sarcasticbambi]

Spiders

HMB Bingo Board "Stab It!" + Crack

“AHHHHHHHHHH!!”

SMACK!

“There she goes again.”  rings in the heads of the residents of the Wayne Manor.

At this point, everyone is used to Marinette’s fear of spiders and, regardless of Alfred’s countless efforts, the Wayne Manor is an old building with a big magnet for the little hairy creatures.

At first, they used to get startled and think that perhaps they were being attacked, no matter how low the chances were, only an attacker could cause such fear induced screams!

Only to arrive at the room she was in, ready to attack, to find her curled into a corner mumbling curses of all kinds and looking on the verge of tears.

Usually someone removes the spider from the room while Damian helps calm down his girlfriend.

Now, after that fateful incident no one is allowed to talk about, that resulted in a broken chandelier from the Eighteenth Century and a painting of one of the founding fathers of Gotham having dinner with a Wayne, Marinette can proudly say she can safely protect herself from the hairy eight leg devils.

And with that, also came a new source of entertainment for the Waynes: Marinette’s Spider killing skills. She had gathered an arsenal of skills and weapons just to get rid of spiders. Some of which not even World’s Best Detective Family could think of.

Some instances include:

She bought a hand shaped fly swatter to smack them with since she refused to touch them herself.

She bought spider insecticide for each and every room in the Manor so that she was never unprepared. (Made sure to use Damian’s card since it was his house, and he should keep it clean of “bugs”)

One time, she was so startled by the spider falling on the lounge room table she jumped and stole the vacuum from Alfred’s hands and vacuumed the spider.

Another time, when she noticed the insecticides weren’t being very effective, she called her mum who told her that in China, a popular way to remove bugs and insects from the house was to use peppermint essential oil and spray it around. Needless to say, the Manor smelled of peppermint for a good couple of weeks until she found a new method.

Alya also told her that when she was younger, her mum used to make a homemade insect repellent consisting of water, vinegar, pepper, oil and liquid soap and of course, our dearest Maribug decided it was a great idea to spray the house down with it - just like she did with all other methods.

She also recommended they plant Eucalyptus trees to help in keeping them away.

She only didn’t use the “spray/pour alcohol on spiders to kill them” because it had to be done directly to them and she considered it torture and she refused to use underhanded methods.

By now, everyone just rolls with it if Marinette comes into a room, flushed and huffing and asking if they have a weapon Manor never had that many spiders but, somehow, Marinette was always being “attacked” by them, as if they were attracted to her like Moths to Flame.

What was surprising was that Marinette was always very gentle with any insects and/or bugs. Especially Ladybugs, she even kept her habit of growing marigolds, sweet alyssums, calendulas and some more on a terrace garden, both at her apartment and at the Manor, which was usually cared for by Damian when she was not there.

Because of this, it was weird that she was afraid of the arachnids, especially considering how useful and harmless they actually were for the house.

This was all even more suspicious when one day, for Justice League business, Ladybug was given the “honour” of visiting the Batcave.

They first found it fun that Ladybug was afraid of the little spiders that also resided in the Batcave alongside the hanging bats (which by the way, what the heck Batman, really keeping up with the theme no?”), joking around if it was a Parisian thing since they knew a Parisian girl that was also terrified of them.

Then, she started using random objects to smack them if they got too close. Which was weird since the spiders never really came close to them, preferring to stick around the small corners and crevices. But they guessed it had something to do with her creation abilities and agreed to not host another meeting in the cave if it could be influenced by it.

Then, she started using methods that Marinette was often using around the house but improvised in a Ladybug way. Like vacuuming the spiders with the yoyo or presenting a peppermint spray from the endless pocket of space that was the little toy-like weapon.

She even grabbed Agent A’s offered teacup, threw the tea at someone - if the “Hey!” was anything to go by - and used it to cover a spider that decided to crawl across the table towards her. It was almost like she did it unconsciously at this point, because she immediately turned to him and apologised for wasting his tea in such a manner.

The highlight of the meeting was when a spider, hanging from the web, was right in front of her face falling right on her nose, causing the loudest shriek to come from The Guardian of The Miraculous. She jumped nearly five feet, attaching herself to the closest victim - who happened to be Robin - shaking him and screaming Bloody Mary.

“DO SOMETHING!!”

“DO SOMETHING I’M TELLING YOU!!

“What do you mean “do something”? What am I supposed to do, Stab It?” 

“I meant something more along the lines of smacking or trapping it, but I guess that’d also work.”

“I-”

“You know what, I honestly don’t care what you do with it, JUST GET IT OUT OF MY SIGHT”

Insert the loudest and longest sigh ever from both Robin and Batman.

“Ladybug, you are aware of just how unprofessional your beha-”

“Father, it’s alright. It is understandable that some people are frightened of such simple life forms, but if we can do it for Habibti, I don’t see why we can’t do the same for Ladybug tonight, you did say we’d change the meeting location for next time so such incidents could be prevented so I don’t see any issue with enduring it for tonight since it’d only be a hassle to change locations at the point.”

And it was thanks to Robin’s words that Batman shut up. With the argument shut down before it could even be started, Nightwing helped collect this round’s spider, and the meeting continued, with a high alert Ladybug and her trusted peppermint spray in one hand and the yoyo on the other. And every Batfam secretly disposed of any spiders attempting to get closer, none of them showing signs of inconvenience at doing such as to not get noticed by Ladybug. 

Needless to say, that no one paid attention to anything Batman was saying and yet, all proving true the “they all share one brain cell” theory when they busied their minds with thoughts on how cute she looked being so concentrated on getting the spiders - which had reduced significantly since there were very few that managed to get past them.

After the meeting had ended with agreements to rerun the points at the next meeting since no one grasped a single speck of information that night, Ladybug summoned the Horse Miraculous and opened herself a portal to leave.

She had told Damian she was going out for the night for a dinner with Chloe since she was in town, so to not wait for her - the excuse she usually went with whenever she had to go on Ladybug business and didn’t want him to know about it. Chloe was the only one of her friends to live nearby when she moved to Gotham, afterall Metropolis was just a town over so any excuse related to Chloe made sense to the little bug.

She was surprised however, to find the lights on when she got to their apartment’s door and saw Damian up and reading a book on the couch when she got inside.

“I told you not to wait up Damian!”

“I know. But what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t stay up to make sure my precious Angel got home safe?”

“I guess you do have a point… Thank you for waiting up then” she said and went in for a hug, which he readily accepted.

“So, did you have fun? You look a bit tired?”

“Oh, uhhh yeah, it was fun! Ahah, but you know Chloe, it’s always unpredictable with her ahahah”

“Hmmm, that’s true. I guess an entire evening with Chloe would be a bit of a headache.”

“Yeah hahaha”

“Hopefully there were no spiders, right?” “wHAT? NO! I mean no! There were no spiders tonight!” 

Damian smiled softly.   She’s so cute when  flustered.

“Great! I’m sure it’s because of all the ladybugs that come to visit!”

“Wha- what dO yOU mEaN hic-?!” Marinette’s brain was going over a mile a minute trying to process what he was talking about. Afterall, He couldn’t have figured out her identity, right? How would he even find out if she was never around him as Ladybug?!

“Oh, you know, the marigold garden in the balcony attracts lots of ladybugs. And like their name says, they are known to bring lots of luck! So, I’m sure you had no encounter with spiders because of it! We should plant some more!

“Oh, yeah, haha, the balcony marigolds, hahaha.”

“Come on, let’s get ready for bed. I already watered the balcony garden, so you don’t need to worry your little head over it. Tomorrow we can go and get some Bachelor’s Buttons, I read that Ladybugs also like them quite a bit.”

Marinette was too dazed to keep up any coherent thought with him at the moment, settling for just a little nod.

Poor thing, she’s probably stressing so much over it. Well, I’ll keep it up for a bit longer, it’s not every day you find your girlfriend’s secret identity afterall.

Pressing a little kiss to her forehead, Damian guided the poor bug to their room to get some rest for the night.

[path-of-grass-and-leaves]

Your original spells won't work for everyone and that's okay.

So I have this rusty cast iron cat statue that I received for free. I considered having it cleaned to use as a garden decoration but later decided that it would be great for a specialized ward.

With the warm weather approaching, I've been shifting my magical focus towards the outdoors. I care for the stray cats and am slowly involving myself in rescue work, which inspired me to design a ward for protecting strays who happen to pass through my yard.

I was very excited to share this with the general public and got to work drafting an instructional post. That's when it dawned on me: Not everyone has a cast iron cat statue just lying around. Most people would need to make a substitution.

In addition to this, I realized that the spell was too specific to my practice. It required a homemade herbal infusion, an offering schedule, and a working relationship with certain spirits. It was too inconvenient for the general practitioner to replicate.

While considering potential substitutes I concluded that my most crucial spell components were iron, rust, and a physical symbol of cats. Why would someone who follows an entirely different paradigm bother with all of my extra steps when they could just as easily ward with some catnip plants and railroad spikes?

Does this mean that I crafted a useless and needlessly complicated ward? That depends on who you ask. The spell was created to suit my personal practice and specific needs, so for me it will have greater potency than if it were designed for the use of a wider demographic. Even so, another practitioner might read over my notes and think "Why in the world would you do it this way?".

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of original spells that are well-suited for widespread use. Others are tailor-made for specific people and prefer to be treated that way. I believe that this distinction is important because when you question whether your methods will work for others you're also forced to examine why they do seem to work for you and what changes you should make in order to produce more effective results.

[thedannyphantomcookbook]

42 Ingredient Nasty Burger Sauce Recipe

I figured this would be one of the most challenging recipes to create. As described in the show, "If those 42 secret herbs and spices in our nasty sauce overheated, it could cause an explosion that could take out a whole city block!" - Irving "Third Degree" Burns. And while I may be an amateur home chef, I don't know how feasible something like that is. BUT I did create a 42 ingredient burger sauce. Here are all 42 ingredients and the recipe!

Red onion

Thyme

Olive Oil

Garlic

Smoked Paprika

Brandy

Hot sauce

Ground pepper

Egg

Red or white wine vinegar

Salt

Neutral oil

Lemon juice

Crushed tomatoes

Water

Sugar

Sherry vinegar

Onion powder

Garlic powder

Celery salt

Mustard powder

Cayenne

Clove

Mustard seeds

Turmeric

Honey

Herbs

Honey

Beer

Cider vinegar

Cucumber

Onion

Distilled white vinegar

Cornstarch

Red bell pepper

Celery seed

Dill seed

Parsley

Dill

Fennel

Rosemary

Tarragon

And here is the recipe!

Nasty Sauce

1 red onion, finely chopped

Thyme sprigs

Rosemary springs

Olive oil

Garlic

1 teaspoon of smoked paprika 

Brandy

6-8 Tablespoons Mayo

2-3 Tablespoons Ketchup

2-3 Tablespoons Relish

Hot sauce, to taste

Ground pepper, to taste

Method:

In a sauce pan, heat olive oil under medium heat. Add the red onion and thyme springs, season with salt and pepper, and immediately cover and lower the heat to low. Leave to cook for a few hours, or until everything turns into a nice jammy texture. After a few hours have gone by, remove lid and discard thyme. Add in garlic and smoked paprika and turn the heat back up to medium. Add in the splash of brandy, and cook for 30 seconds, scraping up any burnt bits stuck to the pan. When the bottom of the pan looks clean, transfer the contents to a food processor with the mayo, ketchup, mustard, relish, hot sauce and ground pepper. Blend until everything is smooth and creamy and transfer to a container.

For the 42 Ingredient Recipe, you can make homemade Mayo, ketchup, mustard, and relish with the recipes provided below.

Homemade Mayo

 - 1 large egg at room temperature

 - 1 tablespoon mustard

 - 1 tablespoon red or white wine vinegar

 - 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt, or more to taste

 - 1 cup (240ml) neutral flavored oil, grapeseed, safflower or canola are best

 - 1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice, optional

Method

In a small food processor, add your egg and blend for 20 seconds. Add your mustard, vinegar, and salt and blend for another 20 minutes. Scrape the sides and bottom and resume blending. As it blends, slowly add in the oil, drip by drip, until a quarter of the oil has been emulsified. One the mixture has start to come together, you can start adding the oil in a thin stream. Once all the oil has been added, continue to blend for another 10 seconds. Taste to see if it needs lemon juice, salt, or vinegar. If the mayo seems to thin, you can drip in more oil. Store covered in the fridge for two weeks.

Homemade Ketchup

 - 2 (28 ounce) cans crushed tomatoes

 - ½ cup water, divided

 - ⅔ cup white sugar

 - ¾ cup sherry vinegar

 - 1 teaspoon onion powder

 -  ½ teaspoon garlic powder

 - 1 ¾ teaspoon salt

 -  ⅛ teaspoon celery salt

 - ⅛ teaspoon mustard powder

 - ¼ teaspoon finely ground black pepper

 - ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper, or to taste

 - 1 whole clove

Method

Pour tomatoes into a slow cooker. Rinse out the cans with the ¼ cup water and pour it back into the slow cooker. Add your sugar, vinegar, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, celery salt, mustard powder, black pepper, cayenne and whole clove, whisking to combine. Cook on high, uncovered for 10 to 12 hours, or until thick. Stir every hour or so. Use an immersion blender to break down any chunks of tomato that did not break down in the cooking. Finally, use a fine mesh sieve to strain out any other lumps. Transfer to a bowl and allow the ketchup to cool completely. Taste and adjust for seasoning.

Homemade Mustard

 - 6 Tablespoons mustard seeds

 - ½ cup mustard powder

 - 2 teaspoons of salt

 - 1 teaspoon ground turmeric

 -  2 tablespoons honey (optional)

 - ¼ cup minced herbs such as parsley, dill, fennel and tarragon.

 - ½ cup water or beer

 - 3 tablespoons of cider vinegar

Method

Using a mortar and pestle, spice grinder, or a bag and meat hammer, grind the mustard seeds, leaving them mostly whole. Pour these into a bowl with the mustard powder, salt, turmeric, honey or herbs. Pour in the water or beer and stir well. When everything is incorporated, let it sit for up to ten minutes. The longer you let it sit, the mellower it’ll taste. When you’re ready, pour in the vinegar. Pour into a glass jar and store in the fridge for 12 hours before use. This will keep for one year.

Homemade Relish 

 - 2 cups finely chopped cucumber (about 3 Kirby cucumbers)

 - 1/2 cup finely chopped onion

 - ½ cup of red bell paper, finely chopped.

 - 1/2 cup distilled white vinegar

 - 1/4 cup sugar

 - 1 Tablespoon of celery seed

 - 1 Tablespoon of dill seed or dill weed.

 - 1 teaspoon cornstarch dissolved in 1 teaspoon water

 - Salt

Method

Set a sieve over a bowl and place your cucumber, onion, red bell pepper, and ¾ teaspoon salt and allow it to drain for 3 hours. As the salt mixes with the cucumber and onion, liquid will release. After the three hours, wrap the cucumber and onion in a kitchen towel and squeeze out as much excess liquid as possible. Set aside.

In a small saucepan, heat the the vinegar, sugar, and ¼ teaspoon salt to a boil until the sugar has dissolved, and there is about ½ cup of liquid left, about 3-4 minutes. Add the cucumber onion mixture and simmer for about 2 minutes. Stir in the cornstarch mixture and simmer for another minute, stirring. Transfer the relish to a bowl and chill, uncovered until cold, about 1 ½ hours. The relish will keep for one month.

[vampire-meta-knight]

Let's Make Cute Sweaters!!!

Listen up Tumblr, your local goth is going to teach you how to make an applique and sew it onto a sweater or sweatshirt.

Yeah, my pumpkin's wonky, but he's my Special Little Guy, and I love him.

I used plain, Time And Tru sweatshirts from Walmart that only cost about $10, but you can easily thrift a sweater or use one you already have that needs a little spice. The tombstone is made with felt, and the pumpkin is made from a plaid fat quarter--I will explain both methods, as they differ slightly.

Felt (the easiest): Find or draw a template (I searched tombstone templates for mine), cut it out, then use it to cut out the same shape from your felt of choice. If you want to embroider any details on your applique, like I did with the RIP and cracks, do that before sewing it onto the sweater. Put the sweater on and pin the applique where you want it to sit (doesn't have to be on the center--you could easily do elbow patches or a little patch off to the side), then do a blanket stitch by hand around the border for a decorative, clean way to attach it. I used 4 strands of embroidery floss in a contrasting color on the tombstone and six strands on the pumpkin--I think four works perfectly fine and is a little less bulky. Embroidery floss comes in every color imaginable and is pretty cheap, so you can experiment with color combos or even use multiple colored threads. You're welcome to play around with stitches and find something that works for you if you don't like the look of the blanket stitch, you can use a sewing machine instead, or you can safety-pin or fabric-glue the applique on if sewing isn't for you.

Optional: I sewed lace trim around the neckline and added a tiny bow for extra cuteness. If you're going to add lace trim, keep in mind that unless you're using stretchy lace, it'll hinder the stretch of the sweater. To mitigate this, I stretched the neckline a bit as I sewed and used a zig-zag stitch with my machine (you can sew it on by hand, too, just using wider stitches). I also must mention that the neckline on this sweater was decently wide without stretching, so even though it can't stretch as far anymore, it's no trouble getting it over my head. If you're using something with a tighter neckline, or tight cuffs on the sleeves, that really needs to stretch, then use stretchy lace or none at all. Bows are still something you can add that won't affect the stretch, so go wild with bows, buttons, safety pins, and all manner of little trinkets!

Cotton: The attachment process is still the same as the felt method, but making the applique is a little different. Since cotton isn't as sturdy as felt, and it frays, you need to prepare it differently. Before you cut out your shape, iron on lightweight fusible interfacing (sold at Walmart--make sure it's compatible with woven fabric if your fabric isn't stretchy and knit fabric if it is). I've made appliques without interfacing before, but they'll hold their shape much better and be sturdier if you do use it, so I recommend taking the couple extra minutes to iron it on. On the wrong side of your fabric, iron on a patch of interfacing large enough to fit your shape, let it cool, and then cut out your shape. I used an X-acto knife to cut out the face of the jack-o-lantern, which did pretty well, but did cause a bit of fraying that I cleaned up with my fabric scissors. To seal the edges, you can sew a zig-zag stitch around them, use an overlocker/serger, or use Fray-Check or fabric glue. I chose to do a zig-zag stitch so it'd be less noticeable under my blanket stitch, but I've used my serger in the past, and it looks nice, too--especially if you use a contrasting color. Now the process is exactly the same as the felt one.

Remember, it's perfectly okay if it has that "homemade look," and it doesn't need to look perfect or symmetrical, by any means! This is about having a fun little project to do while watching a show or some YouTube videos and sipping on some hot cocoa, knowing that you'll get a cute new sweater out of it that'll be unique and your own. And it's also okay to use it as stay-at-home lounge wear if it looks as wonky as Mr. Crooked Smile the pumpkin over there. Have fun, learn new techniques, and make happy little accidents!

Happy crafting!

[recurring-polynya]

@fluffnflightillustrations is always asking me for pie crust tips and I never know what to do say because I just..do it. I am there and the food processor is there, and then it is pie crust. Anyway, I was making a pie today and I decided to document the process for posterity.

This recipe is based on J. Kenji Lopez-Alt's food processor piecrust recipe. (he was the same guy who invented the vodka pie crust method but doesn't own the copyright to it, so he can't ever talk about it. Anyway, this one is fine). I've made it a couple of times a year for, I don't know, over a decade.

Here are some facts about pie crust to keep in mind:

Flakiness is caused by pockets of butter surrounded by flour. That's the goal here.

Every pie crust recipe in existence includes dire warnings about how it will turn into particle board if you put in too much water. In one sense, yes, the goal is to use as little water as possible. On the other hand, if you're having trouble getting it to come together, just add some damn water. Every homemade pie crust I have ever made was a million times better than a store-bought pie crust, even if I did add 2T.

If your pie crust comes out bad or you don't notice a difference between store bought and homemade, there is no shame in store bought pie crusts! Life is about figuring out what is worth it to do from scratch and what isn't and that varies from person to person.

I am not a baking expert, I am just a girl who tries stuff s

HERE'S MY METHOD:

Ingredients:

2 1/2 cups (12.5 ounces; 350 grams) all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons (25 grams) sugar

1 teaspoon (5 grams) kosher salt

2 1/2 sticks (10 ounces; 280 grams) unsalted butter (kept in fridge), cut into 1/4-inch pats

6 tablespoons (3 ounces; 85 milliliters) cold water

tl; dr version: 1. Combine two thirds of flour with sugar and salt in the bowl of a food processor. Pulse twice to incorporate. Spread butter chunks evenly over surface. Pulse until no dry flour remains and dough just begins to collect in clumps, about 25 short pulses. Use a rubber spatula to spread the dough evenly around the bowl of the food processor. Sprinkle with remaining flour and pulse until dough is just barely broken up, about 5 short pulses. Transfer dough to a large bowl. 2. Sprinkle with water then using a rubber spatula, fold and press dough until it comes together into a ball. Divide ball in half. Form each half into a 4-inch disk. Wrap tightly in plastic and refrigerate for at least 2 hours before rolling and baking.

✨Verbose Version✨:

Getting Ready to Get Ready The first thing I do is measure out the water in a glass measuring cup and stick it in the freezer.

Next, I cut my butter my butter into pats and spread them out on a plate and stick those in the freezer, too.\

You're just trying to get everything cold, not freeze it. This should probably take about 10 minutes? I take this opportunity to clean up my work area and get out my food processor.

Okay, Let's Do It Here's my food processor. It is big and beautiful and I got it for free because a friend of mine who liked to buy himself things moved across the country and didn't want to take it. I think fondly of him whenever I use it.

Combine two thirds of flour (I did 9.5 oz) with sugar and salt in the bowl of a food processor. Pulse a few times to mix it all up. Did I mention that I always bake by weight? You should always bake by weight.

Spread butter chunks evenly over surface, and pulse. I do this in a 3-4 rounds because I want the butter to get evenly covered in flour and not stick to other butter chunks. I toss a few in, pulse a few times, toss a few more, until they're all in there.

At this point, the recipe says "Pulse until no dry flour remains and dough just begins to collect in clumps, about 25 short pulses." First off, it takes a lot more than 25 for me. Second, it never really begins to collect in clumps, it just gets kinda sandy. It doesn't matter, just move on.

Use a rubber spatula to spread the dough evenly around the bowl of the food processor. Sprinkle with remaining flour and pulse until dough is just barely broken up, about 5 short pulses. Transfer dough to a large bowl.

Sprinkle with water then using a rubber spatula, fold and press dough until it comes together into a ball. I drip in some water, fold and press for a bit, drip in some more, fold and press again, etc. At first, I try to use the spatula (and not my hands) as much as possible. Towards the end I switch over to using your hands. It takes a while to start sticking together, but it will! Just keep pushing on it!

According to Kenji, you should not need to add any more water. I almost always need to add more water. You can put additional water in the freezer, if you want, but I just use room-temp. Today, it took 1 extra T. To be honest, I probably didn't need to, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Divide ball into two. If I am making a double pie crust, I split them unevenly, because the bottom crust needs to be bigger than the top. Today, I'm making a pecan pie, which just needs a single crust, so I'm dividing it into half and saving one of the halves for later.

Form it into a rough circle and flatten. I wrap it loosely in plastic, and then roll it on the edge like a wheel, and flatten it further so I get a nice disk.

Refrigerate at least 2 hrs and up to 3 days. (or you can freeze for up to 3 months) That's the end of part one, part two will continue after the chilling.