#Hidan and Kakuzu are there but not 'figured things out' there

[akabbyrenee]

Been a bit. Taking my time with this fic as some personal things happening but 🤷🏻‍♀️oh well.

Now to get down to the whole thing. Sasuke is blind cause he was captured. There was a bit of a time jump with like two years? So very close to when shippuden started.

Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, and diedara are all Dead after being killed by leaf ninja. 😉 Will of Fire is strong!!!

The battle against Kisame almost killed Sakura, kakashi was out due to major chakura exhaustion. (go figure with kakashi) tenzo had looked so messed due to a blow to the face giving a bad concussion.

They BARELY all made it back to Konoha. Sadly after what happened to Garra in shippuden happened… but this time we lost another of the rookie nine (another hint for the previous death) but also another MAJOR character to the fic. But they die in cannon anyways… still sad tho 😢 especially since it’s earlier than I thought. Sakura inherited some things from them especially a VERY familiar jutsu another person who’s dead used that they were famous for! (FLASH!)

Pein attacked the village…. Naruto did go 8 tails but because of a different reason triggering it. 😭

Itachi is now the Hokage with Tunade being out of commission just like cannon. (Thank GOD Danzo is GONE.)

We get the Hokage Summit.. and WAR IS HERE 😭TWO BAD BOYS HAVING TOO MUCH SASS POP UP YALL.

She couldn’t prevent it! But Sakura was able to yell at Obito in the face (errrr mask) and threaten him. This caught someone’s eye for sure. Not good.

Naruto is now off to train with Bee (begrudgingly to A 😂) Thank you Sakura for pushing THAT.

Now we are caught up together I’m officially on chapter 68 out of 80… Ive only got 12 left…. Omg..

I’m really trying not to give too many spoilers till the end but some things needed context to get thoughts out. Back to reading!

It’s time for ANOTHER big fanfic dive! This time it’s a SasuSaku fic!

Again it’s time travel. I love that troupe for sakura tbh. Like it’s just so fun to see what kind of mischief she would get into being who she is and how well her mind works in retaining information.

This time I’m reading:

In Pursuit of Sunshine by @jimmythemystic on ao3

It’s 80 chapters. I will do updates just like I did with the last one… wish me luck

[ladykissingfish]

Very Random Akatsuki Headcanons

Sasori would 100% have a garden, and most of the stuff he grows would be illegal or highly toxic. He would ask Zetsu for tips a lot and force Deidara to help him weed it even though Deidara will LOUDLY complain about it the whole time. Sasori will gently sing to/ talk to his plants when he thinks no one is looking.

Kisame the type to nag others about how important it is to drink water and stay hydrated but. He has never fully finished one single bottle of water. Any place they are, you can immediately tell that Kisame’s been there because every surface area will have plastic water bottles sitting on it with various levels of water in them.

Hidan has many, many bad teeth, mostly in the back of his mouth. Missing, chipped, cavities or straight rotting. Always in some level of pain but never seeks out help because you know, Lord Jashin encourages personal suffering. Was finally tentacle-held to a chair by Kakuzu and forced to let Sasori do what repair work he could after the others got tired of hearing him curse and grumble all night over his mouth pain. Absolutely loves his new smile afterwards but never admits it.

Every single member of the Akatsuki has at some point had a crush on Konan. Including Zetsu. But it went away once each member started seeing her as a sister or mother figure. The only one it didn’t go away for is Nagato, but he’d never admit his true feelings because he values their friendship and working relationship too much.

Itachi likes to collect rocks. He’s an amateur geologist and enjoys finding different types of stones when he’s out on missions. The others learn this about him and will sometimes take the time after missions or when traveling to pick up “pretty” rocks to bring back to him.

Deidara has a lot of anxiety and restlessness, and keeping himself busy alleviates that. He prefers doing things with his hands which is why he’s always making little sculptures with his clay. If no clay is available he’ll tap or drum his fingers on things or fiddle with his hair. The faster his fingers move it means the more anxious he feels. Sasori would get annoyed by this behavior so he created for Dei what would essentially be a ninja world version of a fidget-spinner. Deidara loved it and he makes sure to pack it with him whenever he leaves on missions.

Nagato’s fingers are often bloody because he’s a nail-biter to the extreme. He’ll chomp those things down right to the quick of the finger. The others will “gift” him gloves to try and prevent this from happening, and it’ll work for while, but sooner or later he’s right back at it again.

Deidara once gained ten pounds in two months because Tobi kept convincing him to stop at sweets cafes while they were out traveling, and then to have seconds and thirds of whatever they were eating.

Kakuzu figured out that Hidan didn’t know how to read when Hidan would avoid looking at the map on missions and kept giving Kakuzu wrong information about sign posts along roads. After a lot of convincing that he wasn’t “making fun of him”, Kakuzu finally got Hidan to let him teach him basic reading and math skills over the course of a year.

When Orochimaru was a part of the Akatsuki, one day he managed to get Konan alone and was hitting on her in a very creepy Jiraiya-esque way. Turns out that he was merely trying to get her to trust him so that, when he ultimately left the Akatsuki, he would be able to convince her to follow so he could study her body and paper-jutsu. Having had no close experiences with women other than Tsunade, who always responded favorably to flirtatious behavior, he’d assumed that this was how ALL women would react. If Itachi hadn’t driven Oro away, Konan would have blindsided and killed him first.

Nagato (in a Pein body) gave the sex talk to Deidara, Hidan and Itachi. All three of them hadn’t the slightest clue about how anything worked in that regard. Sasori gave him diagrams out of his medical books to aid in his talk. Nagato kept having to add on to his talk because of the questions. “What if you’re a guy who likes guys? How does that work?” “What if you don’t like anyone like that, or you don’t want to ever do those kind of things; is that okay?”

In strong sunlight:

Konan burns bright red.

Itachi and Hidan brown.

Zetsu withers.

Nagato dehydrates within two minutes. As does Kisame.

Deidara sprouts freckles.

Sasori smells like a fire.

Obito and his Hashirama cell DNA photosynthesize like a damn tree.

Kakuzu also turns into a freckle-factory but because his skin is already so dark, it’s unnoticeable.

Sasori has fairly moderate misophonia and especially can’t stand the sound of people chewing. It was one of his primary reasons for turning his body into a puppet; so he no longer had to endure the sound of himself eating. He thought he’d died and gone to hell when he found out that Deidara chews food with all three mouths.

Deidara likes Tobi to read to him at night. It gives him a very comfortable sleepy feeling. The more Deidara nods off the more Tobi lets his voice become more natural/Obito. This is pleasant to Obito because doing the “Tobi voice” all day puts a huge strain on his throat, so it’s nice to be able to break character once in a while and speak normally.

Hidan is extremely sensitive to the cold and will do anything to avoid having to travel or do missions in the winter.

Konan has kept a diary of her life ever since she was a child. She picked up the habit of writing during the period when Jiraiya was staying with/watching over her, Nagato and Yahiko.

Deidara developed a hell of a crush on Kakashi after “meeting” and getting his arms blown off by him and the Konoha nin. He’d gush about Kakashi for days afterward … to Tobi. Tobi who had to grit his teeth and not start screaming over how Kakashi unintentionally attracted everyone that Obito was ever interested in.

Best Smelling to Worst Smelling:

Konan

Tobi/Obito

Deidara

Kakuzu

Kisame

Zetsu

Itachi (would be higher but often smells like strong, bitter medicine and night-sweats)

Nagato (his actual body, not a Pein body)

Hidan and Sasori tie for worst because both smell like blood and corpses

Obito never killed his grandmother during the Uchiha massacre. He used a very powerful jutsu to erase her memory and then relocate her to a place in a village far away that took care of the elderly. He pays the facility with the money he earns/steals during missions, and every so often he’ll go and visit her at night, when she’s alone in her room. She doesn’t know who he is and just thinks that he’s a nice young man that’s there because he’s visiting somebody else.

Kisame loves to bake. It started because he was worried over Itachi being so thin and never seeming to want to eat anything other than desserts. So Kisame taught himself how to make cakes and pies and cookies, etc. Over time it became a zen-like activity to him that helps him relax and clear his head when he’s stressed out.

Kakuzu is as vain over his hair as Deidara is over his own. At least once a week they’ll get together and give each other trims and deep conditioning treatments. Sometimes Itachi will join if he feels up to it. Hidan mocks them for this but is secretly trying to grow his hair longer so that he can join them.

[or0ch1maru]

So lately I’ve been noticing I get sudden urges to bite things I think are cute. I think it’s called cute aggression? But anywho, how do you think the Akatsuki members would react to their S/O biting them out of the blue as a means of showing affection. Or someone who doesn’t communicate in the normal way and uses more touchy-feely means of communication?

Omg this is so freaking cute. What’s funny is, I’ve been having the same urges too. One day I’m like let me sink my teeth into Tobi’s arm(only if he was real) but on a real note, I’m feeling sm better. I’m still stuffed up but that can’t be helped lol

Warnings: mention of head, sexual innuendoes(just had to spice this up just a lil bit)

Hidan:

•idk why or when this thought came into my mind but I fully believe Hidan gets turned on when bitten. (Please tell me at least one of you see that too)

•anyway, when he figures out it’s an affectionate thing, you know damn well he’d show off his bite marks from you with pride.

•if he hasn’t felt your teeth sink into him at least once a day, he’ll get worried. Feeling that suddenly you don’t care for him. And he’ll cling to you until you bite him or at least give him some kind of reassurance. (He’s a big softy)

Kakuzu:

•would be caught off guard at first and will most likely hit you with the good ole’ “the hell you doing?” Question. Kakuzu would watch with a raised eyebrow as you explain your reasonings but shrug it off

•just like Hidan, he wouldn’t care who saw the bite marks, or what assumptions people would come up with when noticed. He’d be content that you have your own special way of letting him know you love him

•Kakuzu would purposely go without his cloak, or shirt for that matter, leaving his arms fully exposed just for you. His large arms would wrap themselves around you, pinning you to him just to feel your teeth in his skin longer(would genuinely enjoy the pain, a good hurt he’d call it)

Konan:

•would let out a soft whimper or even a moan when she feels your teeth sink into her skin. Cheeks flushed when she discovered the reason behind your sudden chomp

•really enjoys when you bite her forearms or collar bone area. Despite your constant apologies for making her bleed once(it left a scar) Konan loves it. Runs her fingers over the spot daily. A reminder of her love waiting at home for her

•the act of biting May come off aggressive or sexual to others, but Konan considers it a kind and intimate gesture. A love without having to use words all the time makes her heart flutter and loves actions as she isn’t one to talk too much

Pain:

•his curiosity is peaked the very first time you do it, he goes over the many possibilities of what it could mean. He gives you a soft smile and a gentle caress when you tell him “you’re cute, can’t help it” as an answer

•loves, and I mean LOVES when you bite near his chakra rods. His skin is so sensitive there and it just does something to him. Sometimes you might end up with your face buried into the mattress or better yet, in his neck, sinking your teeth into him as he fucks you like his life depended on it

•loses his mind when he looks down and sees you look up at him with your adorable doe eyes while your teeth are locked in. (Your favorite place to hangout is under his desk while he works on planning missions and tasks so time to time youll chomp his thigh or the one hand that sits in his lap)

Tobi:

•lets out a yelp the first time it happens, catching the poor boy completely off his guard. “W-what was that for senpai?” He’d stutter out, looking down at you through the eye hole of his mask. “You think I’m cute? Really? Aww you’re so kind to Tobi”

•after that first time, he’ll encourage you to do it. Wanting it multiple times a day sometimes. On other occasions, he’ll tease you, and make you work for it. “You want to bite Tobi? You oughta catch me first” he’d explain before bolting down a random corridor

•now, if you happen to catch him when he’s in a mood, Tobi will turn to Obito so quickly. “Baby thinks I’m cute eh? Why don’t you show me how cute you really think I am” his tone turns almost stern as he guides you by the neck until you’re on your pretty little knees in front of him, the tip of his cock prodding the back of your throat

Zetsu:

•would be very confused at first, and would take a while to process the whole thing. “You really think I’m cute? But why bite me? That’s kinda backwards isn’t it?” Black Zetsu would ask. “It’s a form of a compliment. I understand now” white Zetsu would coo towards you

•Zetsu would pull you into his lap whenever he’s feeling a bit more needy, giving you silent permission to sink your lil teeth into him.

•wouldn’t care where you bite him, as long as you’re careful/gentle when it comes to his leaf’s? Pinchers? Prefers you stayed below his neck. Arms, chest, thighs, are acceptable places to him.

Kisame:

•just like Hidan, would probably assume it’s you Initiating sex, would be turned on right away and would most likely end up fucking you that first time. Would feel bad that it was a sign of affection and he turned it sexual.

•LOVES feeling you dig your teeth into his biceps. And has asked for you to make him bleed. Wants his upper arms to be littered in cute teeth scars. Kisame adores physical touch, and truly cherishes any form of intimacy you give him even if to others it may come of bizarre

•isn’t worried about being vocal. Will let out groans, grunts, and the occasional moan whenever you sink your pearly whites into his skin.

Itachi:

•realized from the very beginning what your bites meant and he fell in love with you all over again. Apart from having someone love him the way he’s craved it all his life, the way you SHOW him love is what sends him to the moon

•plays with your hair, rubs your back, or caresses the side of your face, as sit against him with his flesh between your teeth

•finds your biting to be angelic almost. The feelings that wash over him when you show your love for him makes him euphoric

Sasori:

•like Zetsu, he would be kinda confused at first, also trying to understand the science behind ‘cuteness aggression’

•Sasori would become concerned, hoping you don’t hurt your jaw or fuck up your teeth(since the man is a living puppet I couldn’t imagine him being considered ‘soft) but let’s just say he was soft and flesh like, he would be intrigued by the feeling

•I feel like he wouldn’t get turned on per se, but would definitely get some kind of thrill from it. Would love when you focus mostly on his neck or shoulders

Deidara:

•like Kisame, our explosive babe would be rather vocal about it. But he’d be more whiny. Whimpers, soft cries, whines would slip from his lips every time he feels your lips touch his skin and your teeth dig into him(deidara gets flustered so quickly when it comes to you)

•would be down and into the idea from the very beginning. Doesn’t even question you, just shrugs and encourages you.

•if you happen to bite him and he gets in the mood, which happens time to time because our baby is so enamored with you, i definitely think he mouth hands would come into play somehow.

Orochimaru

•who are we kidding? This man is INTO it. He loves sinking his fangs into you in general so when you turn around and do the same back, he’s so ready to put a ring on it.

•would beg and plea for you to leave scars on his skin and make him bleed. Wants you to nip and bite in places that are visible, but also doesn’t mind if you go for his chest

•his hands would find your hair, or would gently stroke your back whenever you decide to grace him with your biting. Orochimaru would feel honored that you find him cute enough that words can’t express it, that you have to do something physical to show it

I hope you enjoy this! I can’t wait to be sent more and more requests😩I’m loving everything I’ve been sent in! Love you all😘😘

[evilkitten3]

bonus: they get shizune and also a pig! two medics for the price of one (jk you have to pay them both. a lot. tsunade is in a fuckton of debt)

also while we’re on the subject of the akatsuki. I really wonder how long the internal debate was to hire tsunade.

Pros:

shes fucking tsunade

do the akatsuki have a medic: no

do they need a medic: it would be helpful. pein is basically constantly dying.

people she cares about keep dying horribly so there’s a connection there? maybe they could get her on their side??

the goal of the organization is to capture all of the jinchuuriki and tsunade is a woman who is capable of punching an actual bijuu in the face and making it hurt.

Cons:

technically not a missing-nin, she just. kinda went awol. How disillusioned is she with the system. Unknown.

not only is she from konoha, but she’s jiraiya’s teammate. this isn’t a dealbreaker because they did hire orochimaru at one point, but still. complicated feelings.

kind of notorious which is not helpful as a clandestine organization of missing-nin. even if she learned to be more subtle, that would just raise the question of “hey, where the fuck did tsunade go”

if kakuzu has already been hired, this is a shitshow waiting to happen. She’s hashirama’s granddaughter. She’s terrible with money. She cannot be killed. He is already 3 seconds away from an aneurism at all times, this might just make him flip out completely.

Tobi’s Pros and Cons List (secret):

Madara would think it was funny if the last Senju became a missing-nin

If she joins, this might cause jiraiya to come after her. If tobi kills jiraiya, no more icha-icha is published. suffer in your trash can, kakashi.

kakuzu keeps killing all his partners and he would have a lot of difficulty killing her. also he makes very funny faces when he’s angry?? Tobi must weigh his own personal amusement against his organization’s combat effectiveness. Highly difficult.

tobi has never been punched through a wall before!

[tozettastone]

I love Maddie so much, she is legitimately my favorite Naruto oc right now. I just love her relationships with the people around her at large, and how she has let her spaghetti dad and murder uncle in. A+ content

Maddie tries her hardest to be a pragmatic control freak, but unfortunately she is overflowing with completely unearned loyalty to and affection for her spaghetti dad and murder uncle. It's what you get for reincarnating a woman with massive daddy issues, I guess.

I'm glad you're enjoying her!

I'm still trying to figure out a bunch of things about Maddie! For example:

I'm dithering about her next fic because I am trying to figure out to what extent, if any, she has any involvement in the canon Wave plot (many possibilities).

I eventually want her to make at least one (1) friend who isn't a serial killer, or who is at least a different kind of serial killer than Hidan. (⁠｡⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠)

And I really hope Kakuzu will commit to some kind of interpersonal affection after she rescues his corpse and resurrects him (as implied in my short fic where she digs up Hidan) but it will depend on how far I can push this man's character arc while he's entirely off screen. (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

[imagineakatsuki]

Sending another bc I can and want to. How would the Akatsuki handle a situation where their lover is feeling kinda shafted and neglected bc they haven't been recieving hardly any attention but they refuse to ask for it bc they know that the Akatsuki members are very busy people with more important things to do than pay attention to a needy lover?

Pein/Nagato: Being the leader of Akatsuki, it would take a while for him to notice that his lover is feeling neglected. His lover would have to either tell him directly or snap at him (or something else really obvious) to make it clear to him. He would then be an utter suck-up to try to get forgiveness.

Konan: She would immediately notice her lover being more irritable/distant with her. While she wouldn’t say anything, she would definitely be trying to figure out why.

Deidara: He’s somewhat oblivious to his lover’s feelings and doesn’t realize that he spends a lot of time preoccupied with his art. His lover would have to ask him to spend more time with them, which he is always happy to do.

Sasori: He is very observant, so he would notice when his lover is suddenly acting differently toward him, but he would decide to wait until they come to him. When they do, he would probably suggest sitting with him as he works on his puppets.

Itachi: He’s normally really observant and attuned to his lover so it wouldn’t happen often, but sometimes he gets caught up on Sasuke and planning. He’s very apologetic when he finally notices and does his best to make it up to them.

Kisame: He is also oblivious to the fact that he’s not spending as much time with his lover as they would like. He begs them for forgiveness and is super nice and touchy with them for the rest of the week out of guilt.

Hidan: He’s surprisingly very good with making time for his lover, so it would be a rare occasion where they feel neglected (and it would probably be because he’s being sent on missions against his will). He would just ask “Well why didn’t you just say so?!” and proceed to hang out with them the rest of the day, missions be damned.

Kakuzu: He keeps to himself most of the time, so he honestly wouldn’t notice that his lover is agitated with his absence. He would need to be directly confronted and even then the best they’re gonna get is probably a date to a cheap restaurant.

Obito: He’s a very busy man with very complicated plans, so he is prone to forgetting that relationships take two and that time together is required to make them work. However, he always manages to get his lover’s forgiveness because any time that is not devoted to his plan is spent being stuck to his lover.

Zetsu: He splits himself up or creates a clone of himself so that his lover is never by themselves, and when he is busy executing schemes for the plan, he tries to find time to do a quick check-in with his phasing ability. While there might be moments where his lover misses spending time with both halves, they should never feel neglected.

Admin S

[mushies-stories]

Bounty: Bathtime

(part 1) part 2!

Kakuzu X Reader X Hidan

Summary: Hidan's a tease and Kakuzu takes you to the bath.

Warnings: Smut, Fingering, teasing, female reader.

Smut below

Turning the water on you looking at yourself in the mirror, not surprised to see that your hair was a mess. Rinsing your hands and scrubbing the crusted blood from your lip and chin you made an attempt at fixing up your hair. You took your time doing everything else in the bathroom before meeting the masochist in the hallway.

Heading back in the same direction Hidan led you into the room next to the one you woke up in. the moment you stepped in a loud gasp startled Hidan. He turned to see you flinging yourself to the ground. “My bag!” You exclaimed in shocked excitement.

“Yeah well, the old man figured you probably had some good kind of cash on ya so I brought it with.” He said, taking the spot next to you on the floor. One leg one stretched while the other crossed under him flat on the floor. He leaned back on one arm as he watched you riffle through the bag.

It looked like everything was there. Hairbrush, extra clothes, the thought of Hidan seeing your panties sent a chill through you. He was probably a total perv about it too. Money missing as expected and your books… your steamy romance books. You just hoped Hidan was too dumb to be able to even read. Pleased that you had at least most of your things you felt a little better. Not much but at least you have something to do while you figure out a way to get away from the pair of bounty hunters.

“By the way.” Hidan started slowly. “Those books of yours.” Your head snapped to see a crooked grin creeping on the devil man's face. “They're pretty dirty, aren't they? Does the princess fantasies about being fucked stupid like those princesses in your books?” Once again, your face was beginning to feel hot. You didn't know how to respond, because you don't exactly read those books for the plot but… that's not something he needed to know! The grin grew wider and more devilish than before. “Oh sweet girl.” He cooed and repositioned himself so he could hook an arm under your legs, the other tightly around your lower back, bringing you to sit across his lap.

Your arms came up to sprawl across his chest, unsure of his motives and exactly what he was planning to do. “Hidan, what are you doing?” you asked, looking up at him with knitted brows.

Still cradling your back, he brought his free hand up to rest on your hip, his fingers fidgeted with the hem of your shirt. “Has anyone ever touched you like the men in one of your dirty little books?” His voice was menacing and teasing and his crimson eyes looking at you like you were his next meal and he was a starving animal.

“I don't see how that would concern you in the slightest.” You turned your head to the side, not wanting to look at him. You didn't know what was happening but his hands, even though they were just holding you, felt… well they didn't feel disgusting is all you could compromise with in your head. Truthfully his hands holding you so close to him was making your pussy tingle.

Hidan smirked to himself, seeing how easily flustered you got. “It’s not.” he agreed. “But I’d like to make it my concern.” The words left his mouth as his head began to nuzzle into the side of your neck. He places a soft delicate kiss to the side of your neck causing you to take in a sharp breath.

Then he nipped you, gently but enough to cause you to let out a soft yelp and grip his cloak. “Hidan.” You wanted it to sound like a warning but instead sounded more confused. Unsure if you really wanted him to stop.

You could feel his devilish smirk against your skin as his teeth grazed the spot below your ear and gripped your hip in one hand. Your eyes fluttered and struggled to stay open as he traveled down your neck, kissing and biting softly until he reached the hem of your shirt. The hand on your hip slowly traveled under the bottom of your shirt. You shuddered in his hold when his tongue slid back up the length of your neck before biting harsher this time and sucking in the same spot. Your back arched into his touch and you gripped his cloak even tighter as a shaky moan escaped you.

You almost didn't want him to stop, whatever he was doing was making your stomach do flip flops and your heart was racing but this wasn't the time and Hidan… Well frankly he could kill you.

You started to wiggle around in his lap, pushing at his chest. “Let me go!” You demanded, voice wavering a little. “Don't touch me you pervert!” wiggling around seemed to help because Hidan released his hold on you and let you tumble away from him. You sat across from him on the ground and watched him with pointed eyes. “Stay over there.” you demanded.

“Yes princesses.” Hidan mocked, he laid back with his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. “Man, no wonder Kakuzu ran off, if he can’t fuck a brat up, especially one who is so pure? What's the point.” He said more to himself than to you. “Almost forgot, here.” He tossed you the jar of ointment before laying back down with his eyes closed. “Put that on.”

Kakuzu you thought, so that was his name. Now you know both names to curse for your troubles. You opened the container and looked at the green jell, then closed it. The last thing you wanted was to heal faster.

You fell into an unforgettable silence, well at least for you. Hidan almost seemed like he was taking a nap. His eyes had been closed for a while and he hadn't said anything stupid or pervy, his chest was moving up and down in a calm rhythm. You could even hear how deep his breathing had gotten. He had fallen asleep! You looked at the door, would it wake him up?

It was worth a shot you thought. Standing quietly, you tiptoed to the door. Sliding it open slowly so it didn't make a noise you slowly entered the hallway, careful not to take your eyes off of the sleeping devil. You slowly slid the door closed and let out a relieved sigh, safe. Turning in the direction you thought was an exit you came face to face or rather face to torso with a mass of black and red clouds. As soon as you made eye contact with who you now knew was Kakuzu staring down at you with knitted brows, the door slid open and a tired Hidan rubbing his eye was wasting in the doorway.

“Hidan, you couldn't even manage to watch her for a few hours?” He growled more than asked.

“Hey, I was watching her! I just fell asleep and I heard her leave so what's the big deal? She's still here, see.” he defended himself and gestured to where you clearly stood.

“The point is that she managed to make it out of the room in the first place. She looks unharmed for the most part at least.” He did note, you looked fine, better than before at least.

Feeling brave since Kakuzu hasn't said anything to you about what you did you felt the urge to butt in. “nu’uh! Hidan groped me and acted like a pervert!” You told Kakuzu, well tattled to Kakuzu. He let out an almost defeated sigh.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you’ve never been touched by a man and you almost didn't stop me.” He bit back. “Bet your little panties are soaked right now with the thought of me fu-”

“Shut up! Stupid asshole!” you shouted before he could finish his sentence.

“Alright that's enough, Hidan fuck off to your own room.” He shot Hidan with a glare of dismissal. “And you are staying in with me and your going to shut the fuck up.” he grabbed a handful of your hair, not exactly pulling but keeping a firm grip and guided you to his room.

You could hear Hidan laughing maniacally. “Goodnight princess, and good luck!”

Dragging you into his room Kakuzu shut the door behind him and tossed you to the floor. “Sit there and don't make a noise.” He commanded, irritation in his voice.

You shook your head in understanding and sat with your hands in your lap. That was for about five minutes before you got bored and remembered how dirty you were. You crawled over on all fours to where the hunter sat looking over his notebook. “Hey, Kakuzu.” you said to get his attention. He turned his head to see a cheeky grin plastered on your face. “I know your name now Kakuzu.” You repeated his name with emphasis.

“That so? Now you know who to beg to stop if you get into any more trouble.” His eyes bore holes into your own, a warning that he very well meant.

You ignored his glaring eyes and crawled even closer. “I need to take a bath, like, right now.” You tell him.

“Tomorrow.” He tells you.

You frown. “No tonight! Look at how dirty I am.” you demanded, sitting back on your knees and crossing your arms.

You really did amaze him. Even being held hostage you are acting like a spoiled brat. Kakuzu thought a moment before simply just giving in to the reasonably small demands compared to letting you go. “Fine.” He said and stood, setting his notebook on the small table that sat against the side wall.

You looked up at him amazed that he gave in so easily. “Really? Fine?” You confirmed, now standing in front of the man excited.

“Yeah.” He unzipped his cloak and let it slide down his board torso and tossed it over the table. His arms had black stitching all over, in fact it looked like most of his body was covered in them. Without the cloak you could see how truly defined his muscles were. He could break you in half, split you in two. Your face heats up as you observe the towering man, distracted for a reason you didn't understand. “Ready? Or did you want to stare at me a bit longer?” He said, bringing you out of your haze.

You cleared your throat and nodded your head, “ready, let's go.” you were so embarrassed now that he caught you staring at him it took you a moment to realize he was going too. You froze in place. “Wait, not ‘let’s’ as in together, right?” You questioned.

“That's exactly what I mean.” He said dully. “Or I can make Hidan go with you?” He offered.

“No way! You're both perverts!” You shout. “I want to sit in the hot spring by myself! Not with a pervy old man looking at me.” You whined and crossed your arms.

In an instant Kakuzu had your chin crushed between his fingers, forcing you to look up at him. “Listen here little brat, you’ll take your bath, i will supervise and then you will keep your fuckin mouth shut, okay?” Kakuzu growled, eyes narrowed. A shiver ran up your spine. You didn't feel the pain he was supposed to be causing but you could feel the way his voice made your core ache; this was bad you thought. You shook your head as much as his hold would allow. “Good girl, let’s go.” He let his hold on you go, giving you a final warning stare before heading for the bath.

You thankfully remembered your bag in Hidan's room and were able to grab your other set of clothes beforehand. You got out of your dirty clothes and covered yourself with a towel before Kakuzu could even get his pants off. You almost ran to the spring before slipping into the warm water. You almost completely forget where you were and what was happening once the warm liquid filled all your senses. Closing your eyes and laying your head back against the rock you let out a content exhale.

“Everything you hoped for princess?” Kakuzu mused and startled you back to the real world as he stepped into the steaming water, towel tied just enough around his waist. The stitches did go along his whole body and his mask wasn’t on so you could see his full face. More stitching came from the corners of his mouth. You didn't really know what to expect but whatever it was it wasn't supposed to make your tummy do summersaults.

You rolled your eyes and ignored him, tiling your head back to the night sky. It had been a long day and sitting in a hot bath was just what you needed. Nearly naked bounty hunter regardless.

You sat in awkward silence for a while before you looked back at the man, his head leaned back and his eyes closed, relaxed. The water only came up to about halfway up his stomach, leaving the rest for your eyes to wander over. Your eyes scanned his body as you got lost in thought. Thoughts about his massive hands that dangle from the edge. Thoughts about them touching you. Your head swirled from the mixture of heat around you and your own dirty thoughts, you hadn’t noticed Kakuzu had opened an eye to check on you and saw the misty look in your eyes as you stared at his practically naked body. Your thighs subconsciously rub together.

“And what is it that you find so fascinating?” His voice had you snapping back to reality in a second. He was looking at you, smirk tugging at the corner of his stitched mouth.

You fumbled over words to form an excuse but could manage to form a whole sentence, face heating up in embarrassment you decided that it was easier to fully ignore the man. You turned completely around and rested arms and head on the ledge. Fully facing away from the taunting monster. Maybe if you just don't talk he will completely forget about you staring at him and let it all go, after all he was much more reasonable than Hidan, right?

Or not so reasonable, the sound and movement of water was heard from behind you. Before you could turn around Kakuzu was leaning over you with his arms caging you in on both sides. He spoke beside your ear, gravely and demanding. “Don't ignore me princess, I wasn't the one staring was i?” His words made you shudder. “Now turn around and tell me what you were thinking about.”

You shook your head, refusing him. With a click of his tongue, you almost felt afraid, but he wouldn't hurt you, he can't leave any marks.

You felt something on your arms, you looked, and it was a little black… tendrils? “Wha…what are these?” you asked, backing away from the edge but only further into Kakuzu's chest. They slide up your shoulders and around your neck, avoiding your hands when you try to pull them away. They came from an open stitch in Kakuzu's arm. Not knowing how to feel about that. When they stopped slithering you could still breathe. Slowly they forced you to turn and look up at the towering man whose arms continued to box you in. “Kakuzu?” you looked up at him with pleading eyes. Pleading for what you weren't even sure, the tendrils didn't hurt but they felt strange and controlling, just like his red and green eyes that didn't need any help to keep you in place. His smirk grew wider. “What happened to the little brat? Get all hot and bothered and don't know what to do about it?” He mocked you. “If you ask nicely, you can cum on my fingers.” A large hand came to ghost across your lower back before it was planted on your hip, towel being the only thing keeping him from fully touching you.

A gasp left you as he gripped your hip in a firm hold, pulling you closer so you really had to strain to look up at him. “Kakuzu… what are.. What do you think you're saying.” you tried to bring back that fire, attitude but it sizzled out fast when a gruff laugh rumbled in his chest, sending more waves of need to your pussy.

Slowly the tendrils untangle from your neck and slide back into Kakuzu's arm. His free arm came to touch the marks Hidan had managed to leave earlier. “Hidan wasted no time, did he make you feel good? Didn't want him to stop and now you're rubbing your thighs together, so needy you lost your attitude.” He chuckled at the soft whine you gave him. His words were making your head spin, or maybe it was just the steam, yeah, the steam. Still, you could feel just how wet your pussy was. “Alright. C’mer.” He said, turning you both in a half circle so he could sit against the ledge, pulling you into his lap with your legs straddling his hips, hands landed on his chest to keep yourself steady.

“Kakuzu what are you doing?!” you yelped as your core came into contact with his cock that was still covered, barely, by the towel. You didn't even know if he was hard or if he was just that big, but it almost pulled a needy whine from you.

Hands came to hold the sides of your thighs, keeping you still and pressed down on his lap. “I told you, if you ask nicely, I'll let you cum on my fingers. But if you don't ask, then I'll let your needy little pussy suffer. You can consider it a punishment for being such a brat earlier.” He said, one hand sliding between your legs and teasing you with one finger.

A wave of pleasure you'd never felt before washed over your entire body. Your mouth fell open onto a soft ‘o’ shape and your eyes fluttered when his finger slid through your folds.

“Dirty brat, soaked already and I've hardly even touched you.” He teased, watched as you struggled to keep from moaning as his finger worked your clit. Eyes not focused on his chest as you tried to keep them open. Sliding to you hole he watched as your chest heaved and a whiney moan escaped past your parted lips as his finger slid into you.

Kakuzu didn't know what it was, but the sight of you falling apart over one finger made his cock twitch. Maybe it was because you were so obviously touched-starved and being the one to corrupt the pure princess was thrilling in a way.

You couldn't manage to keep the moans in when he began to slowly pump his thick digit into your light hole. Adding another finger had you gasping at the stretch, your head fell back and your eyes closing. “Feel good princess?” He asked. When you didn't answer, lost in your own pleasure he brought the hand still holding your waist to wrap around your throat just enough to force your head back to look up at him. Your eyes opened enough to be able to make out his face through the fog in your head. “I asked you a question, brat.” his stare commanding.

“Y-yes!” you managed to choke out as his fingers never stopped pumping into you.

With a smirk he curled his fingers and drank in the breathy noises you made for him. “Good girl.” the heel of his palm pushed into your clit, creating a whole new sensation that had you clenching around his fingers. Your hand wrapped around the one holding you in place. His pace quickened and with the added pressure you were lost to him. Hips jerking into his hand, breathing uneven and holding onto him for grounding. You felt something, the same slithery feeling as before. His tendrils came up to wrap securely around your hips and things, keeping your legs apart and hips in place.

That feeling of heat that was slowly building simmered out when he slowed down and pulled his palm back. Pumping into you so lazily you couldn't help the pathetic whine that was ripped from you. You looked at him, eyes pleading with the tiniest hint of a pout on your lips. Hips jerking against your restraints to try and find some kind of release.

“Poor baby, so close but you didn't ask, you know what you have to do.” he teased, curling his fingers into your sweet spot. You could barely focus as you looked at him through lidded eyes. “Do you want me to make your tight pussy cum? Need my fingers to make you feel good princess?” He coaxed you, fingers still slowly pumping into you.

Princess, you might not really be one but having a man like Kakuzu do these things to you and calling you that nickname made your cunt clench around his fingers, begging for them to fill you up. “Please, Kakuzu pl-eaase. I want to-mmhg I want you to make me cum.” You manage to get out through shaky breaths. A satisfied smirk played at the corners of his mouth as his fingers picked up pace once again. He held you in place by your throat, making sure he could see every face you made when he curled into the sweet bundle in your tight hole. Your cries and moans grow as his palm comes back down to grind into your now overly sensitive clit. “Kakuz-aah! Feels so go-od!” you cried, pussy fluttering and sucking his fingers in with every thrust and your breathing becomes sporadic.

“Being such a good girl, pussy taking my fingers so well. Need to cum? He asked, looking at you and expecting an answer. The only one you were able to give now was an incoherent sob that sounded like a yes, mostly, and a nod of your head. “Go ahead, cum on my hand.” He pumped into you faster and grinded his palm harder, sending you right over the edge.

Eyes screwing shut your body shook as the high crashed into you with no warning. Your moans louder now and lewder than before were like music to Kakuzu's ears, but he also knew there were some people staying here so he pulled you into a sloppy kiss. Tongue forcing it way into your mouth as he took full dominance of it, eating your sounds as you rode out your high. He let go of your lips at the same time he pulled his fingers from you constricting pussy, a soft whine leaving you at the empty feeling he left behind. He took his hand off your throat and let you catch your breath as you continued to hold onto him, head spinning.

“Alright, I think you'd had a long enough bath.” He said, tendrils pulling from your body before you could register what was happening. Kakuzu lifted you into his arms bridal style and began to get out of the water.

“I can walk on my own, you know.” you tried to tell him, but your voice even sounded shaky still.

“I'm sure, but I don't want to hear you start yelling when I laugh at you for falling if I let you.” He stated.

Once you were back in the changing room, he set you down on the bench and turned away to get dressed. You followed and grabbed your own close, face still bright red and pussy still tingling. What… just happened you thought. This was going to be an interesting next few days if you're going to have to be with these two.

[mixelation]

Who do you think is most likely gets really bothered my monty hall problem?

out of all the naruto characters? i think tsunade. tsunade is extremely intelligent but her bad gambling streak prevents her from comprehending the monty hall problem in particular. you can explain it to her, very slowly and using lots of pictures and examples, and then two minutes later she will still fall for it, and then proceed to have a fit over it. tsunade is out here yelling BUT THERE'S TWO THINGS SO IT'S 50/50!!!!!!!!!

for fun, here's akatsuki ranked by how much the monty hall problem bothers them (least to most):

9. Itachi. Itachi instantly understood the monty hall problem the first time he encountered it and doesn't understand why other people do not simply comprehend how probability works. It's simple math.

8. Sasori. Sasori was bothered the first time he encountered it in his youth, but he worked through the math and moved on. He thought this was a problem for children. Why are you, an adult, upset?

7. Hidan. Hidan actually doesn't understand the Monty Hall problem at all. He will never think to switch. However, he doesn't care enough to be bothered. Not even Itachi's commentary on how this is a problem even an idiot could solve will bother him.

6. Kakuzu. Kakuzu was secretly bothered by the Monty Hall problem for years. Being from an older time, Kakuzu didn't receive a ton of formal education, but was used to being able to intuit mathematical concepts. He learned the rule you should always switch, but was secretly bothered by it for like a decade because the unintuitive probability didn't make sense to him. He's had enough time to figure it out and make his peace with it now, though. He might punch Itachi in the face though, for totally unrelated reasons.

5. Konan. Konan also doesn't really "get" the Monty Hall problem, but she understand the rule that you should always switch. It will always bother her just slightly that she doesn't get it, but she also doesn't care enough to rank higher. She's in charge, so she can simply get up and walk away from this conversation.

4. Kisame. Math isn't Kisame's strong point, and he's accepted this. He just doesn't get how the monty hall problem works at all, and this wouldn't normally bother him, except Itachi keeps acting as if not getting it is a mark of deep incompetence. Kisame is sweating nervously.

3. Zetsu. Zetsu is less upset about the math part and more upset that the humans have come up with a way to trick him?? What is this. Why is everyone yelling. Why is the probably 1/3 and 2/3 if there's two things.

2. Pein. Pein normally wouldn't be bothered, but also he is God. If there are two things, the odds should be 50-50. God said so. Why does this not work. Is this a genjutsu? No, he'd notice, because he is God.

Deidara. Deidara KNOWS he is smart, and he KNOWS he does a ton of complicated math for his art all the time, and also WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE RUNNING THEIR MOUTH ABOUT THIS? Why is everyone giving him, in particular, a hard time? IF THERE'S TWO THINGS, WHAT IF THE ODDS ARE HE BLOWS UCHIHA UP--

[yowyowyaoi]

Kisame’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Deidara

Me and Tobi found a big muddy hole full of earthworms, let’s go fishing! 😁

We finished it last night, sorry 

I was just teasing him!

Exploding or boring?

Not a tea person but thanks anyway 

LMAOOO he probably pissed himself 🤣

Pls tell Itachi I’m not gonna hurt her I just want to pet her for a while!

Leader said he’ll kill us if we do it again so no probably not 😓

You gotta use the conditioner too or else it won’t be effective 

I’ll ask him but he don’t really like places like that. Says they’re too happy 🙄

From Hidan

If you have two does that mean one sleeps while the other fucks or ?

No offense but it’s literally so boring I can’t sit still that long 

I would say he’s giving you blue balls but.

Can’t imagine giving a shit but 🤷‍♂️

Tried that once. Got the mask halfway off and suddenly felt like I was drowning. Never again.

Old bastard said no 😑

You need to watch him he takes like two bites and pushes the plate away 

How? Half of us are gay half are insane and some are both 🤣

One dick, two dicks, your dicks, BLUE dicks! Lol get it??

From Sasori

Thanks but water erodes my “skin”.

I’m done reading it, you can borrow if you like.

Please make sure he puts on sunscreen he’s too stubborn to listen to me.

Don’t really remember all that well but I believe it was ice cream.

He has to *want* treatment and so far he’s turned down every offer Kakuzu or myself has made.

They make for more appealing puppets if they have some unique physical characteristic while they’re still living.

I’ll probably marry him some day but first he has to work on not blowing himself to bits.

Oh of course. You know you don’t need to ask.

From Kakuzu

Hey I almost beat you and I’m 60+ years your senior.

Just this once … no charge. Worth it to see him freak out like that.

I’m not very well-versed in animal anatomy but I can take a look and try my best.

EVERYBODY pays. Itachi too.

Fits nice. My thanks.

This place is falling apart, if it’s not one thing it’s another.

It’s annoying but I don’t see any serious long-term effects.

From Konan

That’s so sweet, thank you ☺️ 

Write down the exact kind for me, I’ll pick it up the next time I go to the market.

He’s a sweetheart isn’t he? 🥰

I’ll take your word for it, but ducks are so cute I don’t think I could eat one.

Come to my room I have some eye drops that’ll help him.

If I let that happen no work would ever be done and they’d likely kill each other.

So many miles, with these heels it’s hard on my feet.

If you want it that rare then there’s really no point to me cooking it at all 😒

At this point the yelling has become background music.

Me on one shoulder and Itachi on the other. You big show-off 😁

From Tobi/Obito

You only beat me because Deidara distracted me!

Forty cookies isn’t even that many. Plus Itachi ate two more.

Kakuzu said to earn the money myself so I stole one of his bounties 🤷🏻‍♂️

Itches. A LOT.

Can’t stand tea but if you have any hot chocolate, yeah.

You should hang out with Zetsu more often then. Like one never-ending picnic.

He really wants to go but I don’t have a pole. You have a spare?

Yeah but he might let us get a fish-tank if YOU said you needed it, like for health or something 

Sushi? Isn’t that cannibalism?!

Fuck him AND his perfect ass. Literally and figuratively.

Don’t give me that “kid” shit, we’re like the same age!

From Zetsu

You want to split that guy’s leg with me? He was very fat, lots of good meat 😋

He’s a good man but doesn’t his dubious emotional state concern you?

It’s a lot like hearing two voices at once. Constantly. 

It’s no fun if they don’t scream a bit first. You know this.

I did the scouting; that lake about five miles up the road is both deep and fairly clean.

Let’s hide under his bed and scare him. I bet money we can get him to soil himself while crying for that damn Jashin 🤣

From Nagato

I thank you for the tea. It helped me to sleep.

Well, keep an eye on him.

The pain is worse when I stand but Sasori is working on prosthetics for me that may solve the problem.

As long as you return in time for your next mission.

Get that looked at as soon as possible. We can’t afford to have you out of commission.

I do, but she deserves so much better than myself.

I’ll speak to Kakuzu about getting you a new one.

If you two are going to do that, please keep it away from our hideouts. It disturbs Konan to hear the screaming.

From Itachi

I ate this morning. Promise.

That wasn’t Hidan’s fault, I’d forgotten to take my pill so my reflexes were slow.

Just consider it. Uchiha Kisame. Say it out loud. It’s beautiful 😌

Can you check if I left that shirt in your room?

Dei and I went there last night. The manager banned us for life because Dei set off a C3 in the men’s room. 😑

Fine. You buy the skirt I’ll “model” it for you.

Sad. Come stay with me please.

You worry too much.

That picture is for YOUR EYES ONLY. 

Aww what do you mean? Kitty loves you she’s not trying to eat you!

It’s one that Konan gave me. It’s really good you’d probably like it too.

Tea?

I didn’t *fall* in, he *pushed* me. Big difference.

Mom taught me when I was younger. I can teach you too if you want.

You’re mine too. Always ❤️

[immoralimmortals]

Hidan x Reader x Kakuzu headcanons

A note: the end paragraph is NSFW. Let's start with Kakuzu's perspective first:

In my head, Kakuzu is moronsexual...by accident. He's been around so long and is so jaded that the new and novel that manage to impress upon him really impresses upon him. That, unfortunately, also means that those people are fucking ridiculous.

Hidan: blood ritual sacrifice stabbing myself death death death Reader: bogos binted? Hidan: jashin be damned my girl can work a scythe Kakuzu:

In my fic, Kakuzu names the insert/reader Takara, which means Treasure. He also nicknamed her "duckling" and lives to regret it every day. It makes him feel so stupid. To love, for Kakuzu, means he must suffer...both in big ways and in small. The small ways are worse because they're less justifiable, less like grand selfless sacrifice.

The thing that bothers Kakuzu the most is that he isn't tearing the civilian apart when he gets mad, not like he's so infamous for. Frankly, it means he can't predict himself anymore, so in an ironic twist his lack of rage is making him uncomfortable, less sure of his own stitched skin. He finds excuses to hide himself away when she's most vulnerable.

He shows his affection in what is perhaps the most admirable but overlooked form: economic service. He wants the ones he love to be successful and stable, works hard to help this come to pass. In my writing, I have Kakuzu make the reader analog pursue a career in music performance at a quiet bar, supervising each night and making sure she gets her tips.

This also, perhaps unfortunately, puts him in control of finances. He is a very, very frugal man. He will not give you diamonds or frivolous things; he will make sure you are safe and warm and fed, and everything else is for emergencies and investment. You're a grown adult so whatever you do with whatever money you get directly is yours...but he will judge you and make his advice well known.

On Hidan's end...

I've mentioned before that I see him as very likely to have his ears perk at the mention of anything you may like. It doesn't matter how fucking stupid it is. He'll call it stupid but he'll do it / give it. Chocolate? Ten different kinds of bars of chocolate. There's dark, ruby, milk...what the hell do you like? Ok, he's going to get you ten more milk chocolate bars in specific. Be grateful.

Hidan has a very tenuous relationship with humanity, hence the whole religion about killing people thing. The foundation of your relationship with him has to have room for forgiveness there, some way or another. Normally civilians don't impress, but if you happen to catch his eye in the midst of a fight for your life...you have his attention. Bonus points if your attacker dies. Big turn on, gives you a reason to both be around and kept alive to indoctrinate.

I think he absolutely aches for someone to listen to him, both in the sense of Jashinism but also in a personal way. He's attention hungry; if you can listen to him, he will not only respect you but listen to you in kind. His greatest comfort is your listening ear, to sit by his side and simply understand. You calm him down, slow him down, and give him the closest semblance of peace he's ever known. It's a vast difference, peace and ecstasy. He isn't entirely sure what he feels about it.

Speaking of, he most definitely will eventually experience conflict, considering the scripture of Jashin to how he feels with you. A fellow Jashinist (or prospective one, to him) gradually becomes a lover. Does that make you his neighbor? Should you be dead? He will weigh the realities and figure out what his lord means to give you to him.

He values your independence. He wants you to make decisions for yourself and use your brain and heart to get what you want. If you're a follower type of person, he's going to nudge (see: shove) you off the path and out of your comfort zone every time. Once you gain his respect, you have more than enough room to judge him back (see: how he shares affection with Kakuzu).

Together:

Their desire for you contrasts on the surface but goes hand in hand in intent. Religion or money...either form, they want you to thrive and survive and succeed. They'll fight and bicker all hours of day, but at night they will always agree on you. You who brings Kakuzu hope, you who brings Hidan rest. They will kill for you, but more importantly...they'll learn how to live for you, instead of merely exist day by day. You teach them to get along better, eventually irking so very, very easily into mutual sparks of romance. They just needed some kindling instead of fucking gasoline on the fire, a mediator so they aren't just the north and south poles of a magnet failing to get close.

The competition is healthy in bed. They both have the same goal in mind- to spoil you- and though they may argue and tease and grumble, they learn not to let it get in the way. They get each other off but more so are enthralled with getting you off at the same time. Hidan likes to lick down your skin, reveling your shiver, hand sliding slowly down your waist, and Kakuzu likes to grip you nice and tight, with limbs and threads and all, gently but oh so firmly getting you just the way he wants you. But make no mistake: you have no control. You are theirs, theirs, theirs, to do with as they wish.

[zorosdimples]

please talk more about your selfship with hidan, please please please

bisky!!!! i shall i shall 🫶🏻 fair warning that my self-ship with him is incredibly delusional and one of the few where i’m not a “normal person” but actually have an interesting backstory.

to make things brief: i’m one of orochimomu’s test tube babies—how did he get me? nobody knows! he makes a deal with the hidden leaf village and sells me to them; i go into the foundation at a criminally young age and become danzo’s pride and joy. fast forward to my mid-twenties: i’ve been struggling with depression and my role for years. mid-mission i go rogue and escape to a rural village—still in the land of fire, but far from the hidden leaf. i chop off my hair and dye it and try to live as a normal person.

then danzo approaches the akatsuki and offers them a significant sum of money to bring him my head still intact. they decide to weigh their options and seek me out—i may be a more valuable asset with them. anyway because i’m a ✨ good ninja ✨ (old habits die hard) i figure out i’m being tracked and i live like a hunted animal for a bit until i’m forced to fight the akatsuki member after me: hidan. his jutsu is insane and my senses are a bit rusty so he gravely injures me and takes me back to their hq.

i eventually recover and i’m faced with a choice: i can either get taken back to danzo and face certain torture and possible death, or stay with the akatsuki and seek vengeance while helping them with their ends. i of course decide to stay because i’m pissed, and yeah! that’s the gist of it. i’m paired with hidan and kakuzu because i have good healing abilities and because kakuzu sometimes has to do things alone as mr. money man. it all sort of… blossoms from there. hidan and i are two bloodthirsty freaks or something.

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Today I was debating with someone who said "everyone knows Kakashi gets folded by non-fodders" and it was funny that when I asked him about the supposed non-fodders he didn't tell me people who according to him defeated Kakashi but rather he told me potential characters to beat him (All 5 villages's past and present kages and their top jonin, akatsuki, orochimaru, Naruto, sasuke, reincarnated people). Even so, I doubt that Kakashi will lose against most of those he named, but it bothers me that they underestimate him so much just because he doesn't have god-like powers. Sorry if I bother you😔

Most Kage’s (past and present) Kakashi can absolutly stand up to and even beat some of them. Not all ofc, but he’s a Kage level shinobi and people who ignore that fact are just dumb

Same with the akatsuki. The only Akatsuki who can 100% beat Kakashi are Kisame, Pein and maybe Itachi. Depends what level Kakashi we’re talking. Og kakashi? Itachi wins. Hokage Kakashi? That’s a much closer fight. If we go with the stupid dms kakashi argument, Kakashi folds Itachi.

But other akatsuki members would be a win for Kakashi. Hidan. Kakashi dodged his attacks like they were nothing. Hidan’s big thing is that he only needs a little blood to kill someone, and even fighting Kakashi with kakuzu, he couldn’t get that litte bit of blood

Kakuzu. Very close match. Skill wise kakashi is stronger but obv Kakuzu has five hearts and Kakashi’s going to be stretching himself very thin, and possibly even dying as well, but it’s possible for him to win

Diedara and Sasori, sorry, Kakashi wins.

Naruto and Sasuke obviously win but they’re litterally god tier shinobi so i don’t know why anyone is using them to shit on any other character. They can beat everyone

Orochimaru. Like Itachi, i think it depends on the kakashi. Og Kakashi? No shot. Even then though, Kakashi made a very real threat to take orochimaru down with him, and i think there’s a small chance he could have lived up to that threat. Hokage Kakashi? Obv a close match because Orochimaru is no push over, but i think Kakashi has a very real chance of winning.

Back to the Kage’s, there’s some he could easily win against i think (Rasa for example, Mu, the guy who summons the oyster who’s name i SHOULD remember since i’m using him in an au) some he’d struggle against but still have a good chance of beating or being on par with (Minato, Hiruzen, Tsunsde, Mei, Raikage A (outspeeds him for sure but Kakashi has one of the highest battle Iq’s i think he could figure something out) Tobirama (people keep acting like he’s super strong cuz of who his brother is, but we actually have no majorly impressive feats outside killing Izuna, which…. I mean he had the perfect counter. He’s a jutsu creator, not necessarily a strong fighter)

But regardless of all this, people like that are pointless to argue with because they’re ignoring one vital fact

Power scaling arguments are BS and you cannot ever say who would win unless the writer decides to actually show a fight to show you who would win. It will only ever be speculation which can never be used as fact

[ladykissingfish]

*getting in the car after some of the group visits a restaurant*

Konan: That was a lovely meal. But I’m so full I may just have to have one of you carry me into the house.

Kisame: It would be my pleasure, Konan. I’m already figuring on having to shoulder Itachi; he had way too many sweets.

Itachi, slumped back and holding his stomach: Wasn’t that many …

Hidan: Wonder why blondie and mask-boy were so gay to pay the check. That shit was expensive; they win at gambling or something?

Kakuzu: Whatever the case, I’m not looking a gift-horse in the mouth. A free meal is a free meal, no matter where it —

*Deidara and Tobi come running up and dive into the car*

Tobi: Time to go, everyone!

Deidara: Really let’s start the car and get out of here, Kakuzu!

Konan: … Why are you both acting so nervous? 

Hidan: Cheapskates probably left a shitty tip and want to get out of here before the waiter comes to beat their asses.

Deidara: Actually … we didn’t pay any of it, hm.

Itachi: What?

Tobi: We took the check up to the cashier but the line was soooo long. Senpai said they probably wouldn’t notice if we just walked out really slow, and he was right!

Konan: Guys … this is wrong. Dining and dashing is really beneath us, and —

Tobi, in Obito voice: Woman, we’re S-rank criminals! I’ve got a confirmed kill list bigger than that menu was, and I’m sure every other person here does, too! Eating without paying is definitely the least heinous thing I’ve done this week!

Konan: B-but …

Kakuzu, flooring it: Konan don’t forget last week when you “accidentally” forgot to take off the diamond earrings you tried on at the store, then didn’t take them back because “it would be too embarrassing”.

Konan, subtly taking off the earrings in question and slipping them into her pocket: Point taken.

[or0ch1maru]

Akatsuki Beach day HCs?(also include orochimaru if you don't mind) kisame is thriving

Anytime I think akatsuki and the beach I can only imagine absolute chaos

I’m loving all these fun and mushy scripts y’all are sending my way🖤🥺also, please don’t worry if it takes me a while to get to yours, my small business and my job(I work retail and it’s been a HOT MESS with Christmas right around the corner) tend to take up a lot of my time but I promise to get to every one you lovies send in<3

Okay, back to it..

•

🐚so for starters I could see Konan being the main planner. Food, drinks, making sure they have enough of literally everything they could need, as well as making sure everybody wakes up on time to leave.

🐠then for the majority of the time they’re at the beach she would be found relaxing under an umbrella reading or watching everybody have a good time.

🦞pain on the other hand would be trying to stop deidara from blowing up Tobi. (I’ll elaborate further down)

🪸pain would definitely be the ‘dad’ of the group, making sure things aren’t getting too out of hand, and failing terribly at it. Zetsu lost a sandal? Just go barefoot, what’s the worst that could happen? He gets a splinter or a rock scrapes his heel. Feels bad when Zetsu starts crying about his foot hurting, would buy him ice cream as an apology.

🌊I imagine Zetsu as being a big softie. Just like Tobi he wouldn’t know what to do first. I also see him having a slight fear of water? Someone tries splashing him he’d close his leaves? Pinchers? Locking himself in his own shelter

☀️he’d find a bucket, a cup, literally anything and start collecting all the pretty shells he spots, even when the bucket gets full, he’ll start stuffing them in his pockets.

🪼our gentle masked comrade Tobi would refuse to take his mask off, let alone his shirt🥺

🐙poor thing couldn’t figure out what to do when they first arrived; go swimming? Build a sandcastle? Collect shells? Stare at the fish and other sea creatures showing themselves in the water? Nope, he decided on doing what he does best, piss off Deidara

🐬doesn’t even mean to do so, deidara is as explosive as his art so of course he’s going to get mad when Tobi accidentally gets sand in his hair.

🐋would retreat far into the ocean on a floaty, avoiding Tobi as much as possible. His hair would be tied up into a bun to keep the sea water from drying it out. Would most likely be those floaties with the little cup holder in it, probably with a beer can or sake in it.

🦭Sasori my man, I can imagine him working on a sandcastle. Using his skills to make a large one with details that would be tedious to anybody but him.

🦐he would volunteer to run up to the shops to grab things his comrades may want. No matter how small or stupid that item might be. Would buy small toys and presents in the gifts shops for everyone. He really enjoys walking through the board walk, will take a break and hang out on the pier for a bit before returning to the group.

🐚the zombie combo would both be talking and trying to pick up the gorgeous women who also decided to head to the beach that day. Hidan of course would be much more outgoing and flamboyant about it. Showing off his muscles and abs.

🐠Kakuzu on the other hand, all he’s gotta do is show off that one smirk of his to have them hypnotized. Wouldn’t care if one of them felt up on his scars or touched his hair. He won’t voice it, not even to Hidan, but he enjoys the attention, even if nothing comes of it.

🦈oh boy Kisame. Do I really have to say anything? As you said, he’d be THRIVING.

🦈would be moving through the water with ease, not even a ripple would be seen as he swims. Within minutes, sharks and other large sea animals would be seen following him around. He’d be so cute about it too, feeding them random shit he’d find, knowing what they want, or giving the sharks little boops on their noses(you can’t tell me you don’t see him doing this) and would be the main one to eat like 90% of the food Konan packed. She would make him join Sasori when going to the shops so he can stock up on everything he devoured.

🦞our sweet boy Itachi would pop into the water for a little bit before wandering off to the tide pools. He would find a patch of sand to sit on, watching as the sea stars and small fish go about their business as they wait for the tide to come back in

🪸would eventually get tired of being in the sun and lay out a towel next to Konan to hang out under the umbrella. They would talk or sit in silence, depends on how either of them are feeling that day.

•snake boy orochimaru would LATHER himself in sunscreen, you see how pale he is? (No offense, i love him) and he would also wear sunglasses to protect his eyes.

🌊I could see him complaining about the sun and trying to avoid it like the plague, acting as if the sun is the worst thing imaginable. Not one to express his feelings well if at all and uses his complaints to hide the fact that he’s actually having the time of his life. Would put a fish or eel in a jar, wanting to bring it back to the compound to keep as a pet until Konan tells him release it. Promising to take him to a pet store to get one there instead.

☀️towards the end of the day, moving into the early evening the whole group would play volleyball or fuck around in the water, splashing each other until everybody’s out of breath.

[wind-becomes-lightning]

“don’t listen to that voice inside your head, listen to mine.” - yamobi

“Come on, just give in,” Tobi sneeres, in this voice that seems so unlike him,”I know you want it just as much, little traitor.”

How Tobi has figured out that Tenzo is someone who had infiltrated Akatsuki for information is a mystery to him, but apparently he has. Tenzo was good at infiltration, learned and stealthed in it during his days in Root. He knows how to put down scrolls that aren’t found and do it discreetly and still, Tobi somehow found out. It seems almost like the guy can disappear and reappear again at will. Incredible and impossible.

Tenzo might have hesitated a little too much for a moment to make it believable that he does not know who the traitor is Tobi is talking about, maybe he should have instantly been offended, yelled or threatened to kill Tobi, something Hidan or Kakuzu would have done, but Tenzo established himself as a calm nature and so any of that would have been out of character.

“Tobi-san,” Tenzo said, holding his voice as steady as he could. “How dare you tell me i'm a traitor.”

Tobi’s hands were wandering over Tenzo’s back, his forehead pressed against Tenzo’s too. Too close for comfort, too close for breathing. But now that Tobi rightfully assumes that Tenzo is the traitor he seems to have decided to start an aggressive campaign of getting him to submit. The worst thing about it was that it was working. 

Tenzo really wanted to submit. Oh, he really wanted to just melt away under these foreign hands, let Tobi take over and help his brain shut off. But his sense of duty kept his need down low. No, now that Tobi at least suspected who he was, Tenzo needed to keep his guard up all the time.

As if he had heard Tenzo’s thoughts, Tobi tipped his mask upward, showing off a big grin below it. “Don’t listen to the voice inside your head.” He moved closer to Tenzo’s ear and now whispered into it directly. “Listen to me instead, little traitor.”

Tobi moved his nose from Tenzo’s ear to his front, lightly touching Tenzo’s nose as he went down. The skin to skin touch melted his last defenses, the fire in his soul burning from his core to his ears, drowning all the doubt with it. 

“Kiss me,” Tobi said.

Tenzo did.

[tozettastone]

God. Okay. Hear me out. Hidakaku concept —

(contains Kakuzu's canonical heart-stealing in a non-canonical level of detail)

Kakuzu was a monster. Hidan knew this.

That was half of the reason Hidan was here, walking around with him through the barren desert landscape of Wind Country, doing the world's most boring mission. Kakuzu was a monster, and in that, he was just like Hidan.

And Hidan was not, like, blind. There were plenty of physical reasons to be attracted to Kakuzu. He was perfectly aware of the way tendons flexed in Kakuzu's forearms, and the shift of muscle in his shoulders that could be seen even beneath his shirt. That was all fine. Hidan had grown up with ninja, and plenty of them were big, powerful men. Hidan himself had shot up to become a big, powerful man sometime after his sixteenth birthday.

He'd had little crushes on big, powerful men before. It was never worth exorcising those urges; big powerful men were frightened and insecure or overly attached just like the rest, and fragile to boot.

At all of nineteen, Hidan already knew that the urge to fuck a guy was usually not worth indulging unless he also planned to kill him. He knew how to control himself, and Kakuzu usually helped him out in that by swaddling himself in a million layers and shuffling along like a desert zombie.

But.

Kakuzu.

Kakuzu was also monster, you see.

And that was where things got a bit... fuzzy... for Hidan.

When Kakuzu took a heart, he ate it.

That was why his face was stitched together the way it was. He had to unhinge his jaw like a fucking snake so the ragged threads that made him up could slide slickly from his mouth take on a new heart while it still beat.

He would hoist his victim high in the air, or else shove them down into the ground and straddle them, and then he would use his big, powerful hands, and all the strength of his back and shoulders and he'd just — just crack them open, like a crab or a jewellery box. Unlocked, they unravelled before him, wet, red and gleaming. Each one was wide open, vulnerable and frightened. Their broken ribs stood rusty yellow and proud, cradling their heart like a prize.

Kakuzu's forearms arms would flex, and his big hands would clench tightly in their clothes, and he would press his writhing monstrous mouth down to each heart.

He'd done it three times now that Hidan had seen.

And each time, Hidan had just stood there and watched, with his own heart thumping wildly in his skull. Each time he'd been breathless, mouth dry, eyes wide.

He daydreamed about it, sometimes, in the wretchedly horny minutes between waking up and getting up. He thought about it, relentlessly: being held down, being overpowered, Kakuzu's face bare and leaking unholy chakra, buried in his chest.

The helplessness was part of it, he figured. Getting held down, overpowered, overwhelmed. Adults had overpowered Hidan when he was a kid, sure, but sexual maturity had accompanied significant physical advantages in height and weight and sheer athleticism. Before Kakuzu, Hidan had never encountered the — apparently fucking debilitating — combination of a man who he wanted to fuck who could actually physically overpower him. That was the realm of god alone.

Now, he spent his days watching Kakuzu effortlessly toss around the dead weight of men who outweighed Hidan. He could carry a six foot taijutsu expert over his shoulder for days until they reached a drop point, and show no real sign of strain.

Hidan thought about that... kind of a lot. Like a lot.

Do I want him to hold me down and crack open my ribcage and lick my heart? he thought. That sounded absolutely insane, so he opened his mouth and, with his usual brain-to-mouth filter fully engaged, tested it out: "Ne, Kakuzu," he said, "I want you to hold me down, crack open my ribs and lick my heart."

Kakuzu turned a withering look on him, which somehow got less and less withering the more he noticed. Between Hidan's confused face and sweaty palms and the bite marks where his teeth had worried at his mouth, there was much to notice.

"Do you," he said, sounding thoughtful.

Faced with the actual real-world possibility of such a thing occurring, Hidan swallowed hard. His heart lurched in his chest and his guts swooped low and his insides fucking fluttered, wriggling coquettishly in anticipation and delight.

"I — Yeah," said Hidan.

I really, really do.