#He got them for c-ptsd and chronic pain

[pincushionx]

Hunter with a service dog!

[sevenrenny]

Recently a relative asked me why I'm 'suddenly' always sick and that I was so healthy as a kid.

I was never a healthy kid. I was always in pain, but nobody believed me. I complained I had moments of dizziness, momentary visual blurriness and blindness, moments where I couldn't balance myself, and intense migraines so bad I fantasized popping a hole in my skull hoping that would get whatever was hurting me out of my head. I had days where it was just brain fog, but I was too young to know the word 'brain fog'. I'd have days where I was in so much pain I'd vomit.

But I got scolded for 'faking it' for attention or to get out of school. I got punished for 'being lazy'. So little by little, I learned complaining about constant pain that made me suicidal would make things worse for me. People punished me for telling them I was hurting, so I shut up.

Even when I became quiet about it, there were things I couldn't hide and my family rug-swept them: I passed out at school a few times from intense pain. I had multiple intestinal issues my family told me were normal, that 'it happens to everyone', telling me that 'Your dad had that happen so many times' while chuckling like it was funny. Every time, they waited for me to 'stop being dramatic' until I started screaming and writhing on the floor and they finally got me to the ER, scolding me the whole time for 'not saying anything sooner'.

During one of those visits, a doctor found a large tumor I was choking on. He found it by accident when he was putting a tube down my throat. I'd been having trouble breathing, but my family accused me of lying, and I'd started to think I was imagining it. Upon discovering the tumor, my mom's reaction was to scold me for giving myself a tumor.

After the tumor removal, the doctor had told her something seemed odd, and he talked with my mom for a bit but I can't remember what they said. We never went back to this doctor. When I asked my mom about it later, she told me the doctor was stupid and he had no idea what he was doing. (It was in my 20s when I went to check on my intestinal issue that the doctor told me he suspected I had gastroparesis, which he later confirmed it was.)

I struggled with classes because of the combination of undiagnosed medical issues, undiagnosed ADHD, undiagnosed dyscalculia, and having panic attacks (later got diagnosed with c-PTSD). My mom threatened to marry me off or kick me out of the house for almost failing math. I was sworn at, told horrific things that still stick with me (and the rest of the family blamed me for 'being lazy' and making her angry with me). I was a kid and couldn't understand why existing hurt, why, if it was so 'normal' to be in consent agony, everyone else seemed to not be struggling like me. I couldn't wrap my head around why everything that seemed so easy for everyone else was almost impossible for me.

It wasn't until an online friend asked me if I had some sort of disease because I was constantly in the hospital. I told her, "No, not really. What's the average number of times someone's in the hospital?" She said, "Renny, I've never once been to the ER." She was older than me. It was then that it clicked for me. I'd been so convinced that all of this was normal, that I was behind everyone else in life because I must be just a weak person because I was so behind even when I gave it my hardest.

I wasn't behind because I was weak. I was behind because I was never given the assistance I needed.

As soon as I became an adult and financially independent, I started seeking medical help. Got diagnosed with severe chronic migraines and other illnesses typically comorbid with chronic migraines and gastroparesis. (There are some issues I can't get medical help for in my country, so those will have to wait). I'm on medications now. Because of gastroparesis, pills didn't work for me too well, so a friend taught me how to use autoinjectors. I have friends who actually help me, give me advice, drive me to my appointments, and just be there for me emotionally.

Being medicated has made being alive so much more bearable. I can actually live my life now. Yes, I still have days where I'm in pain (not just migraines, but my other conditions, most of which don't have any treatments to manage them) but it's such a massive improvement from where I was before. I'm happier. I go to therapy. I found people I can talk about my pains and conditions freely to without being told I'm faking it or lazy. I don't work myself to the bone anymore; I shouldn't be giving my 100% to a job that refuses me accommodations when I'd need most of that to manage my health.

I'm back to complaining about pain because, before my family trained me to shut up about it, I was doing it right from the beginning. I'm supposed to complain about pain. Just because I can talk about it freely now, doesn't mean I was never sick before. Just because I'm on medications now, doesn't mean I didn't need them years ago.

I'm happier now as an adult. You just don't like that I'm visible about my illnesses now. It makes you uncomfortable that I self-administer injections, that I talk about my health the way that I want to. The thought of chronic illness makes you uncomfortable; you liked it better when I was quiet. You'd rather I don't find diagnoses for my illnesses, because, in your logic, if I don't go get the diagnosis then I'm not sick.

I was never a healthy kid. You just don't want to admit you went along with the rest of the family to abuse a disabled kid for being disabled.

[bones-and-earth]

To ignorant fucking doctors/psychiatrist /therapist:

thanks for:

- Assuming/insinuating that I am semiverbal and slowly losing whatever ability to have to speak from pain ON PURPOSE.

-Assuming that I am over reacting by using a mobility aid- because I'm in so much pain. (I can barely fucking stand let alone walk at all. I am shaking so severely that it hurts to even use a Cane )

-Assuming after displaying obvious traits of autism, and being disabled mentally to the point it not only impedes my speech but my ability to socialize and work- that I was not only delusional from my BPD but also a hypochondriac and liar looking for attention. And seemingly thinking I am less likely to be autistic because I'm AFAB and got good grades.

-Assuming when I was literally sobbing from migraines since age 6 that I was a hypochondriac (later diagnosed with chronic tension migraines)

-THANK YOU for not realizing that ptsd and c-ptsd was a actual diagnosis and asked me to define the diagnosis and list its symptoms. (Literally asked me: "What is post traumatic stress disorder?" Apparently he never even heard of it despite being a psychiatrist)

-Assuming I've gone to inpatient so many times because he assumed I "refused to take any medications in the past 3 years." (Which is a actual blatant lie )

-saying I can not use my aac despite me having mentioned my speech loss episodes.

-dismissing all my experiences and thoughts on my own mental health as delusions because at the time I had a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

-telling me it was my fault I was being verbally and mentally abused because I was "ungrateful despite living under her [the abusive family member] roof."

This all actually happened!!

I understand doctors are human and not perfect but at bare minimum actually listen.

So to all the medical professionals: stop dismissing patients, assuming things about them and actually listen.

And to anyone who has experienced this or similar situations I'm sorry.

(Just to clarify for those who can not easily read tone - the thank you is heavily sarcastic in this post. I am quite frustrated.)

[greydoesthearts]

Disability/Pride Headcanons!!

Just having fun and explaining some of my personal lore stuff more :]

Basics:

Jackie: He/him transmasc nonbinary, quoiromantic and gay. Autistic, vision and hearing loss.

Marvin: He/him genderqueer with fem tendencies, queer unlabelled. AuDHD, magic-related chronic pain and headaches, farsighted/astigmatism.

Henrik: He/him cassgender, demiro-gay. ADHD, PTSD, anisometropia (nearsighted+farsighted), memory issues.

Anti: He/it, also cassgender, queer with a preference for men. AuDHD, power-related nerve damage.

Chase: He/they cis and pan. ADHD, PTSD, hearing loss, nerve damage.

Jameson: He/they demiboy, bi-ace. AuDHD, C-PTSD, magic&trauma-related memory issues.

In-depth and bonuses below!!

Jackie

He's autistic with a focused struggle in sensory issues, social interactions and sense of danger. He also has pretty big trauma responses to certain things which isn't great for his field but he deals.

His sight is pretty bad so he wear glasses in civilian form and his mask has special lenses for hero duty, and his hearing isn't great either (from braving... several explosions) but he doesn't really do much about that.

Marvin

He's AuDHD. His ADHD makes him struggle to focus his mind on most tasks unless they catch his attention but once he's focused on it, His. Mind. Is. Set. Affects his magic sometimes. He's very touch-averse with most people and gets irritable quite easily. His magic causes pain flare-ups so he uses a cane sometimes.

He wears glasses, too, but for a general farsightedness and slight astigmatism. He suffers from headaches frequently.

Henrik

He has ADHD and has the same focus difficulties as Marvin, with a side serving of getting frustrated incredibly easily about it. His PTSD and accompanying flashbacks are also quite a challenge, causing a bad memory/a memory he doesn't really trust.

He's nearsighted and farsighted and got teased for his glasses as a kid, while others were fascinated bythe differing lenses.

Anti

He's AuDHD, glitches are a form of near-constant fidgeting/stimming, and he hates the feeling of anything on his feet hence he doesn't wear shoes or anything.

His body feels pretty numb from what he speculates is nerve damage from his glitching, but of course it hasn't really gotten that checked out, nor does it have a way to.

Chase

Unmedicated ADHD and suffering for it, though it's mostly due to his time at I.R.I.S. and being unhoused and he just. Never got back to it. Has horrible insomnia and PTSD/accompanying flashbacks.

Hard of hearing in one ear. Also has nerve damage but moreso located to his spine so sometimes he can't move all too well, nor do his arms work well when he's flaring up. He has a cane and hearing aids but is bad at using both.

Jameson

He's AuDHD with C-PTSD. Has trouble with both controlling and portraying their emotions for reasons connected to... well, everything.

They also struggle with memory problems but that's connected to time travel partly, as well as dissociation. He's looked into and tried some coping mechanisms but hasn't found any one thing that works quite yet.

(+BONUS)

Stacey

She/they intersex woman, ace-lesbian.

She also had the AuDHD, struggling with organisational things and having a disjointed mind, mostly.

They had patellofemoral pain syndrome (runner's knee) with no treatments that helped so they had surgery and ended up with chronic pain that required a cane.

Kid Brody

All pronouns, grew up in a pretty queer household.

They were AuDHD as well and still figuring out what affected them the most as well as how to cope. He dealt with chronic insomnia from having hella nightmares.

She was also born prematurely and was a T1D so used an insulin pump.

Sam Septiceye

It/its, pan-aroace.

It's an eye. There's not much to say on disabilities but it's gotten some scars over the years and as it ages it's slowly getting more and more worse for wear.

It's got some trauma from living in a tank in Henrik’s office and witnessing the stuff that's gone on. But mostly it'll just freeze or fawn in any circumstance that might bring attention to it.

[everythingwasnormalhere]

🧸🏳️‍🌈♿📈 and uhh "how do their family/friends react to it" once I forgot the emoji for- for kenny and uhh maybe Craig and also maybe twerk? (That is if u hc either of them as disabled In any way)

I hc literally everyone as disabled, so you're getting answers for all 3 >:3

Kenny:

♿️ - What is their disability/disabilities? What are the symptoms that they show?

Besides his chronic pain i wont stop talking about, he has AuDHD, depression, MaDD and C-PTSD ✨

His C-PTSD symtoms didn't show much until adulthood (late 20s-early 30s), because that was when his brain processed the environment as safe and stopped being in permanent survival mode. However, the symptoms of everything else have showed since he was Really young, his MaDD was at its worst when he was around 12 (iykyk) and got better since he left south park, mainly after he started therapy (took him long enough smh)

📈 - What age was their disability formed, or became apparent, at?

The first time one of his deaths still hurt after the fact was on s3 e1, after Kelly revived him. However, he didn't give it much thought, thinking it was just what getting killed by lightning was like. Then it was kind of like a roulette whether it'd hurt or not, but even when it did it was incredibly easy to ignore - until his teens, when he died so often (more on purpose than not) it quickened the effects a lot

🦮 - Do they have supportive friends and/or family? How do they help on bad days? (i think you meant this one)

Yeah, he does! His friends are generally supportive, even cartman after he gets over his assholery. His siblings too :) stuart however is an asshole, and even though kenny went NC with carol i feel like she'd be quite supportive idk. And about how they help on bad days, cuddles from butters mostly do the trick XD if butters isn't there though, more often than not will someone at the very least pay attention to him, either helping out by getting him stuff (food etc) or doing something to keep him entertained (talking, board games, depends on how hes feeling tbh)

🧸- Do they have a comfort item?

He used to have his orange parka, but since karen inherited he doesn't have it anymore, so i would say he doesn't really have any comfort items? Unless we count the mimikyu plush, but idk if that would really qualify as a comfort item much, other than making him think of butters whenever he sees it :)

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about them and their disability

-He diagnosed craig's autism way before any professional did, but he thought craig was aware of it so he didn't say anything 💀 (he has the strongest autismdar ever) -Most of his daydreams are similar to the stuff he thought in the cheesing episode in some way or another -He used to deal with flashbacks by going on normally with his life, to the point nobody but his friends could ever tell he was going through The Horrors - however as his PTSD worsened he couldn't do that anymore

Craig:

♿️ - What is their disability/disabilities? What are the symptoms that they show?

Autism, it's painfully obvious yet he wasn't diagnosed till he was 15 😭

📈 - What age was their disability formed, or became apparent, at?

From kenny's pov, ever since craig was born 💀 but most people in his life didn't see it as disabling until it began messing with his studies in his teens

🦮 - Do they have supportive friends and/or family? How do they help on bad days?

YUP!!! His parents didn't think it was autism at first, "no everyone does that", surprise all the Tucker's are autistic XD They were a bit confused at first, not knowing what to do, but they were still super supportive about it :) Tricia was as much of a dick to him as usual so nothing new on her side lmao, and his friends were cool about it as soon as they learnt about his diagnosis (cue teasing from kenny and jimmy for thinking he was neurotipical smh, nah craig sry but you stuck with the nds 💀). Also, TWEEK, boy is so loud and that makes him feel so guilty because of how it overwhelms craig ;w; he was the first person who knew craig got diagnosed besides his family, and he did his best to accomodate him as much as he needed :3

🧸- Do they have a comfort item?

Not comforting autism-wise but comforting regardless, the shit ton of (accurate to constellations) glow in the dark stars in his bedroom, he cannot sleep without them. He also has a tiny alien plush keychain he found at Tweek's house and Tweek insisted he should keep it (neither of them know where it came from 💀), so that's another thing :)

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about them and their disability

-After the diagnosis he refused to leave his room for weeks because he didn't know how to cope with it, and nobody besides his family and tweek were allowed to come in during that period - in the end though, with their help he accepted it -Something I've mentioned a couple times already but is hilarious to me: he didn't talk until he was four (how did it take him so long to get diagnosed), and his first words were a "cállate pendejo" directed at cartman 😭

Tweek:

♿️ - What is their disability/disabilities? What are the symptoms that they show?

Tourettes, anxiety, schizophrenia and PPD - most of these were at the very least influenced by the whole meth in coffee thing

📈 - What age was their disability formed, or became apparent, at?

He gave symptoms of all these since he was really young, besides PPD, which only became obvious almost as soon as he left his house

🦮 - Do they have supportive friends and/or family? How do they help on bad days?

Family? Haha ok next question--- About his friends though, they do their best to help him with it. Most times during the worst days he can only stand Craig's company, who will listen to him and try to help him feel safe, however normally he's ok enough to be with others just fine. He gets accomodations at college and later at work too, like being allowed to stay home some days or to leave early

🧸- Do they have a comfort item?

YES YES YES !!! Storytime, after craig and tweek dated for three years, craig's anniversary gift was a green stuffed stegosaurus (since tweek was fixated on dinosaurs back then), which tweek named peanuts :) Peanuts became the way tweek would deal with any anxiety attacks, but he tugged at him so hard he broke - however, laura patched peanuts up for tweek (after craig quite literally begged her to, she would've done it anyway but he did anyway) Then, when they moved out, peanuts disappeared :( until the tuckers found him under craig's bed, who knows how he ended up there XD SO tweek's comfort item is the oldest most used up cutest little stego ever :3 (also does having a room full of spiders count as a comfort item? idk but he does cuz he loves spiders, craig despises that room with his whole soul poor boy hates spiders so much 😭)

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about them and their disability

Went NC with his parents as soon as he could!!! He also stopped drinking their coffee in his early teens, but because he (and everyone tbh) thought what messed up his health was the caffeine not the meth - he didn't find out about the fact he was being drugged until he was told the "secret family recipe" when he turned 18 (and, understandably, he was PISSED)

[sleepershell]

Some General Marauders Era Headcanons

NOT canon compliant (I don’t care about jk shitface’s canon lol)

Regulus Black (the main character as far as I’m concerned)

~ French, I mean cmon the Black family motto is toujours pur for gods sake. He absolutely speaks French. Other than that, they can be traced to German (Walburga’s side) and English heritage.

~cis bi boy (sapiosexual?)

~ c-ptsd, depression

~ messy curly medium-length hair, long nimble fingers, one of those people with a few lovely moles in choice locations, slutty waist, angular jaw, kind of set in eyes, not tall but a bit taller than Sirius

~ most dogs freak him out (lol oof)

Sirius Black

~ french (& English, German) ofc.

~ amab queer, omnisexual mlm

~c-ptsd, adhd

~ wavy long black hair, also a slutty waist, not very tall, squinty eyes, latently a little muscular

~ big believer in a leather jacket

James Potter

~ I stan desi Potter. But also love the idea of Euphemia being Greek per her name so Jamie boy is part Greek and part Pakistani on Fleamont’s side. He only speaks English but has some terms and things from both Greek and Hindi.

~ cis bi guy

~adhd

~ needs glasses ofc, I imagine he’s super nearsighted.

~ super messy hair, lean and muscular, medium tall

~ red converse wearer

Remus Lupin

~ Welsh, English, and Portuguese. He speaks only English.

~ amab, queer, demisexual?

~ anxiety

~ chronic pain from wolf injuries

~ scarred all over, light brown hair, tan, he’s the tallest, skinny but not lacking muscle, limps sometimes and often needs to stretch his sore muscles, hairy!!

~ always wearing a sweater

Peter Pettigrew

~ English & German. Speaks English.

~ cis, bi

~ anxiety, definitely does self-soothing movements

~ fat !! no skinny wormtail in this house, wavy blonde hair, the cutest cheeks known to man, callouses on his hands and no one can figure out why

~ asthma

~ loves naps

Pandora Rosier

~ Another family who absolutely must be fluent French speakers. So I think they have some Afro-Caribbean on one side and the other is very much originally French. Speaks English and French.

~ cis fem, pansexual, demiromantic

~ autistic

~ hair is super light blonde and looooong in dreads, light blue eyes, brown skin, quite tall and thin, all her features are super delicate and lithe, she’s kind of otherworldly tbh but she certainly doesn’t act so she’s got quite the mad scientist competitive streak

~ amazing at charms

Evan Rosier

~ Afro-Caribbean, French, English. Speaks English and French.

~ he/they, omnisexual (and by that I mean he fucks everyone ha-hey)

~ super light blonde hair either cropped or in a protective style, brown skin, light brown eyes, braces, dead average build, but still suave af don’t be mistaken everyone wants this kid, not hairy

Lily Evans

~ English and Scottish, speaks English.

~ cis gal, questioning but likely demisexual

~ fat!!, straight-ish red hair ofc, freckles, green eyes, cute small chubby hands, radiant smile

Barty Crouch Jr.

~ English, speaks English and all curse words in every language he could get people to teach them in.

~ queer amab bisexual

~ I won’t begin to try to dissect the workings of Barry’s brain but depression could be a start

~ eidetic memory

~ needs reading glasses? but like most of the time they’re not on him or they’re broken. so he just like uses his crazy big brain to just remember stuff or else he mostly never reads outside of studying times

~ brown hair but whenever he gets the chance he buzzes or dyes it green for fun, stick and pokes and self done piercings, tall but not Remus tall, lean muscular, hairy ass legs

Dorcas Meadowes

~ Ethiopian and English. Speaks English.

~ cis girl, sapphic

~ dark skin, black hair often in long braids, dark eyes, athletic curvy build, long fingers

~ literally prodigy herbologist, also amazing at potions and divination

Marlene McKinnon

~ Filipino!!!!!!!!!!!! speaks English and Filipino (maybe some of another regional language of the Philippines).

~ cis girl, sapphic

~ adhd, depression

~ lactose intolerant

~ short queen, freckles, dyed blonde but def experiments with color and cut, usually straight or a little wavy, muscular but it doesn’t really show she just seems kinda thin, some stick and pokes, several ear piercings

~ wears red cowboy boots, studded belts, low rise, cut up t shirts, hats

Mary Macdonald

~ Brazilian on one side and South African & English on the other. Speaks English and Portuguese.

~ cis girl, bisexual

~ ehler’s danlos syndrome

~ wears her dark hair natural curly, curvy, average height, belly button pierced, huge gorgeous smile, adorable button nose

lol

Severus Snape

~English and Polish. Speaks English.

~ cis, hetero

~ depression, anxiety

~ straight long black hair, pale, Remus tall, fairly average weight, dark eyes, strong nose

~wears mostly black

~ amazing at potions

[silliest-fckindumbboy]

🪦Consider this blog a TW in & of itself🪦

🩸My coining blog is @fckindumbboy-coins Requests are always open!!!🩸

🫀This will be a mix of RQ & para stuff! Its my safe space! I will like & reblog what I choose!🫀

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🩸If you arent harming anyone unwilling to be harmed, do it up, bby; pro-consent🩸

🦷 Im Jynx

🔪 The body is 26; Agefluid, multiage- mainly nepedage and traumatot, but I also sometimes linger around the body's age

🦷 Agender, transmasc, boycunt, periboy, offboy, bordergender

🔪 Polyromantic, hyperromantic

🦷 Polysensual, polarsensual, hypersensual [unless touch-repulsed due to fatigue, low energy, sensory overload, etc.]

🔪 Greyace, hypersexual

🦷 Ductuaffectis, Alteraffectis

🔪 It/he/pup/puppy/clown/honk/rot/ick/demon/rat; I may also use plural pronouns on occasion

🦷 Married, poly

🔪 Ask me anything about anything!

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🫀On sys: I'm [Jynx] the current host of a DID system~ Pls keep in mind that, due to the nature of plurality, I may post things or reblog things that I dont typically post, agree with, or that I forget later on. Some alters MAY make themselves known, they may not, thats up to them to decide not me.🫀

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🫀SickSickSick: DID, BPD, DPDR, schizoaffective bipolar type, OCD, agoraphobia, C-PTSD, substance use disorder [recovering & hating every second], BED w/ anorexic & bulimic tendencies, GAD/ panic disorder, PNES, mild TBI, CI

We got the 'tism

ICT survivor

I have so much trauma, & always happy to share & talk about it [for anyone!] (I'm cisharmed, cisgroomed, cisabused, cisICTsurvivor, cistortured, cisSA/CSA, cisraped.. etc.)

Chronically ill & physically disabled!🫀

🪦I AM a radqueer! Get outta here if you cant deal with that! Im super duper inclusive & believe everyone has a right to be themselves (even if I may not agree with them!) I have absolutely no room in my life, my heart, or my safe space for hate, drama, or discourse!!! Im also a [REDACTED]queer! I value privacy & non-disclosure of stances or other information, I think everyone has a right to discretion & safety within the community & elsewhere. My business is no one's business unless I say so- no one's business is my business unless they say so. All information, conversation, etc. with me is strictly confidential. I dont believe in call outs or other forms of non-consenual information disclosure. 🪦

🫀Identities: Transclownspecies, puppykin, trauma-born demon, irl yandere, transHoH/transDeaf, real vampire [hybrid- sang & psi], DemiDead, DemiRot, Traumatot, permapuppy, permadissociated, permalockdown, permasick, devotabled, translabrat, ratkin 🫀

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[thecultofcupid]

ROTTMNT Headcanons:

i decided that i wanted to infodump about my headcanons for the turtles specifically :> due to the fact that I am a fictive, this is influenced a little bit by our fictives/exomemories. but YEAH i just wanted to ramble a lot and you should go stream rottmnt and support the team bcuz it deserves all the love in the world yeah ok lets go

Leo

extremely transmasc. like this guy is so transmasc

uses he/him pronouns exclusively but would probably accept being misgendered purely for comedic effect (only by his family or friends tho)

says he's bisexual but he prefers to call himself queer

tell me this man does not have ADHD you can't

acts superior to hide his debilitating inferiority complex

struggles with insomnia. has developed ways of managing his sleeping problems, but they still win out every now and then

Post-Movie

deals with PTSD-related dissociation. it's pretty damn bad

the WORST internalized ableism you've ever seen

loses the arm anyway. my headcanon is that krang prime got ahold of it as his siblings were pulling him out of the portal

the worst patient you've ever seen. he is constantly plotting escape

almost constantly wearing a knee brace. he's supposed to use crutches but often tries to get away with not doing so. has a wheelchair for bad pain days but he refuses to use it most of the time bc he's stubborn

insomnia gets way worse, partly due to night terrors and partly due to chronic pain. sleep does not come easy to this guy

Raph

bigender; she/him pronouns with a preference for fem terms

likes who she likes; doesn't feel the need to put a label to his sexuality

she is autistic bc I said so

PLURAL!! she has OSDD-1a and has a system of 3 or 4 other alters not including herself (Mind Raph is kind of up in the air for me, but the others are Little Red, Angel, and Savage)

dislikes swearing, in part because Little Red picks up on it and will not stop once he starts /hj

Post-Movie

blind in right eye bc of the krang

most of his complications are PTSD related; nightmares, dissociation, etc

was always a bit mindful of his size compared to his surroundings/family, but after the movie, it becomes a lot more prevalent. she is terrified of hurting her loved ones again

nerve damage in one arm from opening the portal; causes pain/numbness/tingling and minor muscle spasms. Donnie made compression gloves to help with this

Mikey

genderfluid; shifts between she/he/they pronouns

aroace

ADHD

LOVES body art. will always have something new painted onto his arms or plastron

since he can't really reach his carapace to paint on it, he convinces his siblings to let him paint on theirs. will often be found in Donnie's lab painting their carapace while they work

loves hanging out in Donnie's lab while they work

Post-Movie

suffered the worst in terms of damage to his arms

deals w chronic fatigue and brain fog after opening the portal

wears compression gloves from Donnie almost 24/7. has to be reminded to take them off

Donnie

nonbinary/autigender. uses they/them pronouns primarily, but also uses he/him and it/its on occasion. loves telling people that they "identify as a threat"

THE disaster bisexual

WEAPONIZED AUTISM

doesn't get enough sleep not because they're an insomniac, but because they hyperfixate on projects for days at a time and will not sleep until either a) they're done working, b) one of their siblings forces them to go to bed, or c) they simply crash on their desk out of exhaustion

for a self-proclaimed genius, they're not very good at taking care of themselves

has nonverbal episodes and uses sign language to communicate during them. however, he and Leo both learned morse code as well so they could have their own "secret language" that only they understood

the worst eyesight. like it's god awful. they wear custom-made contacts when they're outside the lair, but they also have glasses for days when they can't be bothered

has bitten every member of his family at least once

has eaten the family goldfish before (not Piebald)

has claw-like scars across their carapace from the shredder. change my mind

Post-Movie

scarring on carapace from Technodrome and being ripped from the control panel. it looks worse than it is

has trouble eating due to sensory issues

suffers from tactile hallucinations. has to have something on their shell at all times

has seizures resulting from the Technodrome connecting with his central nervous system

that's all i have rn. there's so many headcanons that I didn't include here just cus it'd be a mess but pls ask me questions cus I love talking about these guys. and ofc ask questions about other characters as well, not just the turtles!! i wanna do more art featuring some of our headcanons as well so look forward to that >:))

[inner-space-oddity]

Vent under the cut

What I learned from being in a mental hospital for three hours

Yesterday, I called the suicide hotline.

It’s been a long year for me, a long life, really. I’m only 19, but it’s just been a lot.

I’ve struggled with depression for over 10 years, anxiety for over 6, and C-PTSD for over 5. Over the past two years, I’ve developed chronic pain that makes it difficult for me to do the things I love like dancing and going outside.

Yesterday, I just felt so hopeless. My medical bills are adding up every day — my primary care physician recommended I see a psychiatrist (whom I can’t get in with until June), my astigmatism contacts cost over $600/year, I should be seeing a physical therapist per my prescription, and my antidepressants are being exchanged for a different type that will require an EKG (heart monitoring check-up) if I am to start them.

I feel like I haven’t been able to live up the the standards I’ve been given, or even the ones I want to achieve myself. I’ve been in a depressive episode for two weeks now.

So I called the hotline.

Here’s what I learned from the experience.

1) When the responder said he would send someone to come talk to me, three police and three paramedics showed up.

They were all wearing disposable gloves, and they didn’t sit down when I asked them to. They were all standing around me, and I felt cornered.

2) When they came to get me, they sent an ambulance.

It wasn’t scary — I’ve been in an ambulance before, and the medic was nice and she talked to me on the way. They took my blood pressure and pulse continuously on the ride and put seatbelts over my body.

3) Because I didn’t struggle or fight at all (I called willingly and I went willingly), they let me walk into the ER instead of being rolled in on the gurney. I appreciated that because it gave me a sense of control.

4) The mental health rooms in the ER actually looked like those in a horror movie.

This was the most surprising part.

The walls were beige and peeling, there was a blue cot in the middle of the room, and there was a security camera and a mirror in two of the corners. There was no handle on the door, only a lock, which I could use to open it, but I didn’t know I was able to until I left at the end.

They told me to put on scrubs and honestly, when I saw the grippy socks, I broke down sobbing (again). They weren’t even real socks lol, they didn’t have a heel, just grips on either side of the sock. They weren’t comfortable either.

After I got dressed in the scrubs, they opened the door again, but it took a while, and I was scared. I didn’t want to be alone, and they left me in there for at least ten minutes.

I don’t think anyone was actively watching the security cameras, since it took a while for them to come in after I was dressed. (I didn’t take off my underclothes, and I have no qualms with my own nudity, so it didn’t bother me too much.) They could have just been busy — it looked like a high-traffic night. But that doesn’t make it much better.

5) You aren’t allowed to have any personal items at all. At all.

I came in with the bare minimum because I didn’t know what to expect. But when they asked me to put my clothes in a bag, I asked if I could keep my sweatshirt because it’s my comfort item. They said no.

Honestly, I can’t fathom why I can’t have a sweatshirt with me to comfort me, especially since they didn’t provide anything to do after asking me a bunch of questions.

The guy who took my blood (they also collected my urine, both for drug testing purposes) told me he’d asked the administration to provide edible chalk for the residents to draw on the walls.

I have ADHD, so those three hours were THE worst. No chalk for me. I made a fortune teller out of a tissue. XD

6) The nurses misgendered me even after I corrected them.

This is a big reason why I won’t be going back to that specific hospital. I didn’t want to go somewhere that wasn’t connected with the behavioral health service I was already in contact with, but they don’t have ER care so that wasn’t an option.

The nurses also repeatedly used my legal name even though I told them my preferred name and a couple of them wrote it down on the forms.

I can safely say that this is one of The worst things you can do to a transgender person in a mental health crisis.

7) They fed me.

I…. Did not expect that at all. It was very much like a high school lunch, but it was good enough, and it helped improve my mood. They gave me Sprite instead of water, which was probably good for my blood sugar, but considering that I had been crying for the past three hours, it wasn’t exactly the choice I would have made if I were them.

8) As an adult, the hospital didn’t call anyone.

However, since I called the hotline number associated with the service that already had my information and emergency contact, that service did call my emergency contact.

9) Even through everything, my parents still made the 2 1/2 hour drive down to come support me.

I remember the first time I told my mom that I wanted to die, she spanked me. She had said that she raised me better than that, that she raised me to value my life. So when the nurse handed me the phone, I was terrified.

After all the medical bills, the stress, the trouble that I had caused my parents…. I don’t know what I expected, but there wasn’t a hint of anger in my mom’s voice.

And my dad, who always gets cagey when I try to talk to him about my mental and physical health, made the drive as well. He wanted to stay with me while I was hospitalized.

In the end, I was only there for three hours, so my dad went home instead of driving the last hour to see me, but I will see him tomorrow when the family comes to see my concert.

10) Despite everything, I am loved, and you are too.

I’ve been contacted by three different mental health services today. I called my mom this morning because I said I would. My roommate came to pick me up from the hospital even though I hadn’t been a good friend to her in my depression. One of my close friends contacted me this morning to ask to see me.

Hospitalization sucks. It costs money, it costs time and energy, and it feels like it isn’t worth it. But after last night, I think I finally realize how much effort has been put into helping me keep living.

Despite feeling like I’m a burden, like I’ve never done anything good for anyone, like I’m not worth the worry… everyone still came to help me.

I’m not alone. And you’re not either. Even if you think you have no friends or family there for you, there will always be someone in your corner.

You are worth it. You are loved. Seeking help is the strongest and most powerful thing you can do.

You are not weak. You are resourceful and resilient. You will get through this. You will.

[neurodiversebones]

what are your disability + mental health hc's for each of the main crew? like what conditions

!!!! i have so much to say but this post is already gonna be soo long- if you want elaboration or just more headcanons on any of them send me an ask !!!

brennan :

brennan has arthritis and chronic pain , and uses a cane !! she also has mild-moderate bilateral hearing loss from the absurd amount of times she's been Blown Up

neurodivergence/mental health wise it's a Long list : she's autistic and has chronic motor tic disorder, persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia), c-ptsd, depersonalization/derealization disorder, arfid, and ednos

booth :

booth has just so much fucking Damage to his body . he has arthritis and general chronic pain from being blown up/shot at/breaking his goddamn bones/etc. he also has fibromyalgia and moderate hearing loss !

he has adhd, dyscalculia, major depressive disorder, c-ptsd, and has struggles with food, though not a full blown eating disorder

angela :

angela has arthritis in her hands , as well as a hypermobility spectrum disorder or hEDS ! she uses ring splints almost always, and uses other joint braces as well (especially for her knees/wrists)

she is autistic and adhd (audhd queen) and also has dyslexia, bipolar ii, ptsd, maladaptive daydreaming disorder, and bulimia nervosa

hodgins :

he is canonically paraplegic , but i also hc that he has hearing loss from the blast (these people get exploded too often to not be hoh) !!

he is also autistic and adhd, and has persistent depressive disorder, tic-related ocd, and c-ptsd

cam :

cam has a seizure disorder and asthma, as well as kidney damage . this all comes from when she got poisoned in season two (seriously, we brushed past that way too fast- from comatose, intubated, and literally "call her family because she's gonna die" to a-okay in a matter of hours ?? what ??)

she is also autistic and has major depressive disorder, panic disorder, ocd, body dysmorphia, ptsd, and anorexia nervosa

[agoraphobiclapine]

Do you have any more drawings of the stardew boys? They are so cute :D

Oh wow!! Thank you so much!! I think they are pretty adorable as well. I do have quite a backlog of drawings, but I wanted to make sure I did an introduction post before sharing any of them. I guess here is a good of a place as any to do so! Apologies as this is going to be very lengthy and a bit lax on info regarding @girthleng 's character Judas, I don't have a ton of info on him pre-farm. (Also forgive the boxing glove lookin ahh hand i messed up when lining and things w3nt to heck)

First, let's start with Fletcher (Ronan Fletcher Murphy III), the inheritor of the farm. Fletcher is 27 years old and spent 22 of those living on the farm. He is slender, 5'4, has reddish brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, and has freckles. The farm was owned by his maternal grandparents Bernadetta and Phillipe Lapine. While his mother and uncle are both still alive, neither wanted anything to do with the farm and the Lapine's were very proud of how much he loved it so they left it to him as the oldest grandson.

When he was born, his parents and grandparents all lived in the same big house on the farm. They continued living this way and had two more children, Conor (he/him 22) and Cleo . Fletcher loved taking care of the animals and being a little farmer, going on little adventures with one of the other local boys (Judas). He was a bit of a sickly child but would always power through. That was until age 10 when his parents split up, and his mom took the kids and went to live in the city.

His mother very quickly remarried and, after 2 years, had another child named Esme (she/her 15). During this time, Fletcher's mental and physical health started to tank. He was having more breathing issues, had a lot of anxiety, fainted a good bit, and struggled with keeping awake most times. His mother chalked it up to him being lazy until one day at age fifteen, he ended up in the hospital. After a few months of testing (that his mother begrudgingly took him to and made him feel pretty bad for) he was diagnosed with a connective tissue disease (causing the heart issues, chronic pain, stomach problems, and more), a condition that caused him to have random allergic reactions, asthma, narcolepsy, and c-ptsd. His mother eventually decided to get into contact with her parents (who Fletcher hadn't been able to see for the past 5 years) and out of not wanting to handle raising a sick child, sent him to live with them.

He goes back to the farm, and while it is really difficult going through all that change, the animals really helped him to thrive. He worked and showed most of the animals (especially the horses) when his health allowed it and has continued living and working on the farm until today. At age 20, to help him with his disabilities. His brother Conor gifted him a standard poodle named Thlayli that he had trained himself to aid with Fletchers disabilities. His full siblings would always visit every summer and had a blast in the valley, and that year was spent showing fletcher how to handle the dog and how the dog could help him. It was also around this time that fletcher got diagnoses with Autism and started to learn that things he did differently didn't make him a "weirdo" or a "freak". He was having thr time of his life with his dog, his farm, and his loving grandparents.

Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever, and his aging grandparents end up passing away a few days before the summer of this year after being hit with an illness. It was a terrible time, but like always, his siblings came to spend the summer. Even though they all were adults, it had become a tradition, and all of them needed each other now more than ever.

Fletcher attempted to just work through the pain but kept ending up sick. While his siblings were there in the summer, helping out and keeping him from feeling lonely. The reality was that they had to go back to their real lives. Cleo was in school to be a teacher, and Conor was a military dog trainer who was going to be deploying that fall. When summer came to a close, Fletcher turned into a bit of a hermit and fully threw himself into working himself to the point of being sick quite a few times. It is one of these times that he reconnects with Judas. His best childhood friend that he had never really connected with. Judas came from a pretty rough home and was falling on hard times. Fletcher was lonely and really needed help on the farm, he had this huge house with plenty of rooms so he offered Judas to stay with him for as long as he was willing to work on the farm. Judas happily agreed, and they've been helping each other heal and grow (physically and mentally for Judas, as Fletcher is so used to making lots of food with farm fresh ingredients and Judas LOVES to eat)

Next up, we have Judas, a 25 year old man whose family.....well, we don't speak of them. He is 5'8, a little on the softer side, has darker brown hair, brown eyes, and skin with a slight tan. All of Judas's life, he's been a bit of a wanderer, an adventurer, an explorer if you will. When he and Fletcher were young, they would spend hours exploring the valley, only popping back to the farm for meals and sleepovers.

When Fletcher left, he became a bit of a loner until one day, exploring the sewers, he meets Krobus. They become quick friends and start hanging out quite a bit. Krobus introduces Judas to the wizard, who he very often attempts to learn everything he can about the world from. When Fletcher first came back, they never really reconnected. Fletcher seemed so distant the first few months of living there, and by the time Judas worked up the courage to start talking to him again, Fletcher was hanging out with one of the worst bullies in school, Alex. Alex had done quite a bit of picking on Judas for things like his sense of style and his size (which, honestly, he wasn't big at all in school. Definitely not compared to when he moves onto the farm and DEFINITELY not compared to now. Alex was just a jerk). It wasn't long until that friendship fizzled out, but Judas was so unsure of anyone that would associate with a guy like that, so he decided to just keep his distance.

One day, a week or two into the fall after the Lapines had passed away, he was walking in the cindersap forest on his way to the wizard. He heard the crashing of some type of animal through the fallen leaves and stopped, looking around, he knew that on at least a few occaisions a bear had been spotted in the area...he saw a flash of big and brown and panicked until he heard a whine and a bark. Seconds later, Thlayli came running up to him without Fletcher. That was never a good sign and was something all the towns folk knew meant he needed to follow the fluffy dog because he was trained to get help if Fletcher fell unconscious or worse. He ran with the dog (although a bit out of breath...yeah he hadn't ran in a while but.....he was just anxious for the man....right?) Until he found Fletcher on the ground and one of the horses saddled and standing nearby. It appeared Fletcher had fainted while riding or been bucked off....regardless, he was injured, unconcious, and bleeding, so Judas scooped him up and rushed him to the doctor.

Harvey (the doctor for anyone that has gotten this far and doesn't know much about stardew) stitched up fletchers face and popped his shoulder back into place while the man was unconscious and gave him fluids and other appropriate care. Judas wanted to stay there and make sure he woke up fine, but he knew without Fletcher at the farm there wouldn't be anyone to take care of the animals, so he decided to go back to the farm. He remembered some things from the past, but he decided to give Cleo a call. She walked him through the basics, and he did his absolute best.

It wasn't long before Fletcher woke up and, in a panicked state, attempted to rush out of the doctors, which Harvey was not going to allow. This was the third time this month that the boy had been rushed into the office after an injury or medical episode. Harvey told him there was no way he needed to be running the farm alone. It was around this time that Judas returned to the office to check up on Fletcher and let him know he was doing his best at taking care of the animals. Fletcher asks if Judas would be willing to stay with him a while. That he would pay him for his time and make sure he had food and a room of his own at the house. Judas happily agreed as it got him out of his toxic home life, and kept an old friend from getting hurt....even though they weren't super close anymore, he still cared for his old friend.....plus he had been meaning to reach out after the mans grandparents had passed, he knew how much they meant to Fletcher and the entire community.

It was only a matter of weeks before the boys became inseparable again, and it really did become very beneficial for them both. Fletcher was still grieving, but he wasn't lonely doing so, Judas was living a comfortable life with a bit of hard work. The rest of the story is to be told at a later date. Just know between lots of food and friendship, that snug hoodie won't fit by spring ;)

Tl;Dr: Fletcher the farmer gets hurt and Judas moves in to help on the farm.

[greydoesthearts]

Super random extra post and last one of my night--some of my au egos pride and disabilities stuff? 👀

Swap AU

Jackie: trans man, autistic and has a service dog to help!

Anti: trans man, rendered nonspeaking via a laryngectomy.

Chase: blind in one eye, deaf in one ear. He uses a prosthetic eye!

Jamie: PTSD.

Blind Marvin AU

As the au is called--he's blind in both eyes due to a shadow attack from Anti 😔 in some unwritten plans he gains back a bit of light perception but not much at all

Magnificence

Kiddo Chase: ADHD.

Kiddo Jameson: nonspeaking. Saying why would be a spoiler :]

Septic Brothers AU

These guys range from 10 to 17, and c!Jack is included. All of them are some combination of autistic and/or ADHD, as well as...

Jameson and Anti: premature twins resulting in their own sets of disabilities. Jameson's larynx wasn't fully developed so he's nonspeaking and has breathing problems. Anti was able to gain some control of his voice but still struggles, and they both have bad asthma as well as impulse issues.

Henrik and Marvin: also twins but they were more developed while still being preemies. Henrik's got vision problems and Marvin also struggles badly with impulse control.

Jackie is trans and a bit higher support needs autistic. He probably also gets a support dog later on :)

Royalty AU

Jameson: rendered nonspeaking via a castle attack late at night.

Marvin: PTSD from that attack.

Henrik: vision problems, magic-centred chronic pain.

[dizzybizzytizzy]

oh shit if im gonna be talking to people I should have an intro

HEY WELCOME TO MY CUCKHOUSE it was meant to say fuckhouse but cuckhouse is funnier so I'm leaving that in

im just a silly guy im just a little birthday boy and I'LL BE YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND! If you put up with my bullshit its fuckin ride or die babey. she/he/it/they, technically any pronouns but I'm cognitively disabled and gotta look up the fancier ones every time I try to conjugate them. Like I'll absolutely use them for other people but if you say "faer's got the stuff" I'm gonna be like "who is this Faer person". Fae pronouns are super fucking cool though. I wanna use fae pronouns. What was I doing again

NPD/ADHD/DID/C-PTSD/chronic pain/cane user/paranoid schizophrenic. Sup. I bite sometimes but I prommy I microwave myself for 2 minutes on high every time 💜 Don't. idk what I was gonna say here but don't do the thing I hate. Okay? Okie dokie!

I'm not the host but I've been here for 15 years. I'm not a fictive, I'm just a kinnie. I'm taken but poly, but if you wanna be my lover you gotta be a level 5 or higher friend and have experienced at least 2 breakdowns and our gatekeeper. Wow this is long! And sucks. I should make a different one. eventually

I promise I'm just super lame, really

[as-above-rp]

Yuèlǐng (Yue) Walker (Save Slot A Verse)

Full Name:  -Yuèlǐng ( 月琳 ) Walker Aka: Yue

DOB:  -June 3rd

Age:  -36yrs

Height: -6'1" (185cm)

Weight:  -Approx. 210lbs 

Blood Type:  -B+

Occupation:  -West Macro City Social Worker (Former Vigilante and Mercenary)

Gender:  -Cis Male (He/Him)

Orientation:  -Bisexual, femme leaning

Personality:  -Determined, paternal, relaxed, protective, resentful  

Conditions and Disorders:  -Anemia, Chronic Headaches/Migraines, C-PTSD

Inventory [Men's leather bag + Pockets]:

Wallet

Notepad + two pens

Herbal cigarettes

Agenda (yearly planner)

Pocket knife

Combat daggers (x2)

Migraine medication

Extra headband

Special Abilities/Powers: Go here >> Slot A OC Mutations and stuff

Bio:

Yue is an adoptive father and social worker at the West Macro City Department of Health and Resident Services (DHRS). He comes from a line of mutated humans nicknamed triclops’, resulting in a third eye growing on his forehead and granting him special hypnotic and cognitive abilities.  A reformed mercenary/assassin and recovering addict, he works hard every day to make up for the pain he inflicted years ago.

Additional References:

Past History under the Read More =>>

Past:

TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD ABUSE, DOMESTIC ABUSE, DRUG & ALCOHOL ABUSE

The son of a Kingdom hero and victim of domestic violence, Yuè got involved in crime and substance abuse at a young age to cope. He quickly made a name for himself in the underground as a vigilante named “HYPNOS”, and later took on more deadly and confidential work to make ends meet and afford his addictions. He was engaged for a short while, but his work and drug abuse eventually split the two of them apart.

In his mid twenties, shortly after his father’s passing in a fight with a villain and a personal epiphany, Yue had a moment of clarity and finally returned home. His mother welcomed him back home with open arms, and he started rehab for his drug and alcohol addiction. He gradually pulled away from vigilante and mercenary work along his road to recovery, and even went back to school to get his Masters degree in Social Work, and later his Masters in Counseling. He plays an active role in his nephew's life, and gets involved in his school and extracurricular activities.

A few years into his work at DHRS, a teen named Sloan Reed was assigned to his caseload. Another victim of years of abuse at the hands of their notorious villain father, Yue was in charge of connecting them to a foster family while providing counseling and guidance. After getting to know each other more, Sloan refused to go with anyone except for Yue. After some convincing and internal debate, Yue agreed. Their case was reassigned so he could become a certified foster parent and go through the fostering process, and later legally adopted them as his child.

Yue ceased all vigilante and merc work when he began the fostering process, and hasn’t taken any underground jobs since. He is also 10 years sober from drug and alcohol use.

[shwarmii]

also last post i said my body was "likely-POTS-raddled" and like. that is very true BUT ALSO I WANNA VENT A LIL REAL QUICK

i get why i probably have undiagnosed POTS

i can't be outside in the sun/anywhere warm or hot for long without feeling nauseous and sick. meaning i might as well be agoraphobic with how little i go outside since i live in Southern California where our seasons are "hot" and "hotter" with a day or two of rain dispersed randomly. despite feeling like this, i only sweat sometimes, AND no matter what i do my circulation is so poor that i feel icy to the touch even though i feel like i am boiling. as a result, i have the a/c on always (to the point my mama has said i "live in a meat locker" lmao rip), tend to do errands late afternoon or evening, and prefer hanging out with friends into the night. a very frequent symptom of POTS is the body have an inability to regulate its internal temperature, resulting in heat making a lot of POTS patients feel nauseous. poor circulation is also common in POTS patients

while packing, i fainted about four times even though i was eating well-enough and whatnot, simply because i was bending up and down so often due (1) to these boxes i had to fill up and move about and, (2) instead of the usual "i sit for hours" stuff i do (due to chronic leg pain making walking/standing painful), i was taking breaks by sitting for a bit and then getting up. like i started to actually feel dizzy getting up/down even when i wasnt fainting (yet), like i could FEEL it almost happen. and when it would happen, it wasnt "oh, light black dots surrounding my vision with somewhat jelly-legs because i stood up too fast" that id get once in a while for my whole life (i forget if thats bc of low blood-sugat or low blood-pressure but still) but it was proper FULL BLACKNESS and my knees buckling all because i slowly stood up and took a step forward. i had to grab onto things to keep from hitting my head on the floor and got very lucky i didnt lose consciousness >> be unable to grab something and protect my head, bc i was risking getting a concussion from how i was Not Falling Safely (i never learned to fall safely, unfortunately). though a majority of POTS patients dont faint, it is a key-note symptom of the condition and usually happens when the person is going from sitting to standing and whatnot as their body disregulates and overracts to the movement

my medical practioners have gone "huh" and taken my heart-rate twice or three times bc it was "way too high". like. sometimes its been "a normal level of high, lots of people get a faster heart-rate bc going to the doctor makes them nervous" and thats my "normal" with them. but lately theyve been going "...okay let's do that again bc all youve done is walk over and sit down, i get youre severley anxious/have PTSD/have medical trauma but c'mon". apparently, it's common for POTS patients' heart-rate to disregulate and treat standing and walking over somewhere as rigorous exercise, which could explain my "way too high heart-rate"

and other symptoms (my chronic migraines, shakiness, chronic fatigue, brain fog, chronic memory loss, and so many more) and even masked-symptoms (i used to have a lot of shortness of breath so then i got REALLY GOOD at breath control very young to mitigate the issue, like to the point that singers in my life have complimented me on it and said its impressive (i cant sing well tho alas, its in my bucket list to take classes and develop the skill). but i still have trouble breathing after exertion of any kind, but i always have this memory of one P.E. teacher in my head forcing me to take a step back to regulate my breathing back, bc he once told us "Don't you ever stop breathing or hold it in or do shallow breaths when doing somrthing hard. Shit could kill you. Do you know how many old people die on the toliet because they held their breath as they tried to take a shit? Do you want that to be how you die? Your pants down, failing to take a shit? Breathe. Long and deep. Force it to happen. Don't you ever hold it in." lmao thanks, teach)

like

i gET IT. POTS IS LIKELY ONE OF MY (MANY) CONDITIONS

but also im not allowed to have POTS

because the only reason i already knew what POTS was when my friends started going "Hey. Hey, maybe you should look into POTS? Like, maybe ask your doctor about it?" (which she said i couldn't have it bc i dont faint (which i found out is untrue) and we have since discovered ACTUALLY I DO FAINT, i just dont bend up/down often and i also tend to stay seated for hours on end once i do sit) is because of tiktok. like. my fyp put me on POTS Tiktok and i stayed there for a few weeks bc a lot of POTS Tiktok is usually these women showing how their partner cares for them, that love and romance is possible while disabled, that their POTS didnt ruin their date but just meant the pair of them had to sit down on the floor for a while while their boyfriend helped raise their feet. very cute shit, it helped like a soothing balm on my internalized ableism ass' "nobody could ever wanna date me bc im sickly" heart. but yeah. so i was in that hub for several weeks and learned a lot of things about it via osmosis. but so many of these videos featured women fainting so i was like "lol not me" bc i hadnt started packing to move >> bent up/down a lot >> fainted several times yet. but yeah no i (jokingly) refuse to have POTS tho because then that shit means TIKTOK DIAGNOSED ME FIRST. ILLEGAL. NOT ALLOWED TO HAPPEN. NO. UNCONSTITUTIONAL BEHAVIOR. THAT ALGORITHM IS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE DIAGNOSED ME FIRST, FUCK NO LMAO

[highabovethecloudssomewhere]

my father asked me, mockingly, if I genuinely believed there is good in this world. 

I thought of the world he put me through. I thought of my childhood. I thought of the first time I’d experienced fear at his hand and every time after that. I thought of my janky heart and my surgery. I thought of the words “chronic illness.” I thought of “severe depression” and “C-PTSD”. I thought of the dreams I had to give up. I thought of the friends I’d grown apart from. I thought of the loved ones I mourn, how it comes in waves.

But then I thought of a nine year old me in the souvenir shop who smashed two snowglobes together and panicked at how my dad would react. I thought of the woman who told me that it was okay, that I didn’t have to cry. She gave me a sparkly pin that said “Dreams Come True”.

I thought of my friends coming together to make me a quilt with my name embroidered onto it, that they gave to me the night before my heart surgery when I was 17.

I thought of the nurse in the ER who stayed an extra two hours to make sure I got into a room because she knew I was in a lot of pain and that my condition was low-priority.

I thought of my Chinese friends who are teaching me Mandarin in exchange for me teaching them more English. I thought of the deaf strangers I chatted with in what little conversational ASL I knew, who invited me to sit with them and introduce me to their friends. I thought of these “barriers” like language that aren’t really barriers at all, because we’re all people who carry the capacity to learn about each other’s lives and worlds and cultures and possess the ability to grow and to change.

I thought about my house leader who sat with me on the floor after I’d passed out during a flare-up, how I’d frustratedly gone off because I was upset, and I thought I was done letting my health upset me. She listened, and then she told me that I don’t have to be okay with it, that it’s okay to be angry and frustrated and sad.

I thought of the mentor who sat with me while I cried, who asked, very gently, “What was your friend’s name?”

I thought of small-talk with strangers. I thought of the doctor who liked my anime keychain. I thought of a girl I used to nanny saying that she wished I were her sister so I never had to leave. I thought of my brothers building a blanket fort over me after I fell asleep on the couch during a migraine. I thought of my house leader leaving everything but junkmail in our mailbox because she knew I liked to get it. I remembered the first time someone took my depression seriously.

I thought of new dreams--smaller, but no less valuable than the ones that came before.

my father couldn’t believe it when I told him I did believe there is good in this world, that I believe people are fundamentally good. he called it “selective memory” and he called it naïve. in the same breath he told me that I needed him, that we would “always be family” and that I couldn’t stop him from being my father. in a physical blood-related sense that is true. 

but me? if there’s one thing my health issues have taught me, it’s that blood can be transfused. the kindness I’ve experienced, the people I’ve loved, these moments that bled into me and shaped me in ways I couldn’t live without.

I am the byproduct of everyone I’ve ever loved, everyone who’s ever loved me and the ways that they changed me.

Samwise Gamgee was right. there is good in this world, and it is worth fighting for.