#Hazbin Hotel crack

[chaoticace2005]

Rules for the Hazbin Hotel, authored by Vaggie:

1. No drugs.

2. No fights.

3. No pranks.

4. No problematic language.

5. No murder (OR TERRITORIAL GENOCIDE WHAT THE FUCK ANGEL)

6. No smuggling in of drugs. Not by sticking them up your ass. Or by hiding them in a pizza box. Or by slingshotting them to the roof. Or getting someone else to. Not at all.

7. No sexual rendezvous with outsiders in the hotel. No SHOWING sexual rendezvous with strangers to people of the hotel either.

8. Make sure the pig/future pets stay in the patron’s room. (This includes eggs!!)

9. No singing Limit singing to once twice per day

10. Stop flirting with the bartender Angel

11. Don’t call Husk “Husker” unless he allows it.

12. No harassing the staff at all. This includes asking who tops.

13. Don’t suggest anything sexual/romantic to Alastor unless you want your head cut off.

14. NO CUTTING OFF PEOPLE’S HEADS

15. NO EATING PEOPLE

16. NO MAKING CHARLIE CRY.

17. Don’t ask me to put my spear “inside you” Angel, what the fuck?

18. Don’t turn the interior of the hotel into a swamp?! Keep it contained in your room if you must!

19. No stabbing staff or residents. No matter how much they look like bugs! (OR IF THEYRE NAME IS ANGEL)

20. Don’t try and stab bugs if they’re within 10 feet of another demon.

21. Don’t call anyone a “bitch” OR TALK ABOUT HOW MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE “VAGINA”

22. Limit Niffty’s access to sharp objects.

23. NO DEALS ALASTOR

24. No drinking. Limit drinking at bar.

25. No mentioning the Stock Market Crash of 1929. For everyone’s benefit.

26. Don’t blow a hole in the wall.

27. Try to keep roast battles OUTSIDE the hotel. (Or stop picking fights?? Please Alastor I swear to God…)

28. No spying on the hotel for outside sources or putting technology that can be used against us.

29. No evil laughing in the middle of the night, what the fuck Alastor?

30. No building weapons/war machines.

31. No eggs! (Fine the eggs can stay.)

32. Someone please keep an eye on Niffty. (And the eggs.)

33. Stop touching people ANGEL.

34. Don’t make other people storm off HUSK.

35. Respect boundaries.

36a. If Angel looks like he’s about to pass out/cry don’t comment. Let him do his thing.

36b. Don’t try to talk to Angel if he’s on the phone with Valentino. Honestly don’t even mention his phone calls with Valentino.

37. Please don’t call Lucifer “Daddy”

38. Don’t turn into a 20 foot tall demon-eating creature unless absolutely necessary.

39. Don’t cause angry loan sharks to show up at the front door.

40. NO EXPLOSIONS!

41. Rule #2, “No fights” can be broken if the person you’re fighting is Valentino. Or Adam.

42. Don’t lie to your girlfriend or hide the fact you were secretly an angel.

43. DONT TALK ABOUT PEOPLE’S TITS (or lack of)

44. KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING A BEDROOM ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE’S HAVING MAKEUP SEX

45. Don’t give people makeovers while they’re sleeping, ANGEL!

46. Don’t pretend to eat someone’s pet, ALASTOR

47. Don’t die.

48. I never want to hear the words “cum-plete” again.

49. STOP HAVING FIGHTS ACROSS THE BUILDING LUCIFER AND ALASTOR!!

50. If Charlie is passed out on the couch LET HER SLEEP

51. No making bombs in the hotel Cherri!

52. Stop breaking rules and then saying it’s “FOR SIR PENTIOUS!”

53. Angel don’t try to shoot someone if they break spaghetti.

54. Don’t break spaghetti. Or “ruin” Italian food. Whatever the fuck that means. This apparently includes pineapple on pizza.

55. Don’t mention Valentino unless Angel brings him up first.

56. Don’t comment on Angel and Husk’s flirting.

57. Only call Angel “Anthony” if things are serious (or if you’re Husk)

58. Don’t use any of the nicknames Husk and Angel use for each other. This includes but is not limited to: “Whiskers”, “Legs”, “Kitty”, “Webs”, “Tony”, “Love”, and “Baby.”

59. It’s better not to question whatever facts Husk gives about his past.

60. Family dinners at 6 pm unless you can’t make it due to prior obligation. Game nights after on Sundays.

61. No hunting people for sport and NO KNIFE MONOPOLY.

62. Don’t attach knives to a roomba so you can have a “boyfriend” Niffty.

63. Keep Niffty away from Roombas.

64. Alastor, treat people with decency. Really, it’s not that hard.

65. No making giant ducks that breathe fire to chase people around the hotel just because they call you short.

66. Therapy. Everyone.

67. DONT HAVE SEX ON THE BAR WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!

68. If Valentino enters the property you have permission to stab him.

69. “Hell is forever” is bullshit. You guys aren’t. You can do this.

[goldenamaranthe-blog]

Lightweight: Hazbin Hotel

Vaggie: (enters the new hotel after an arms meeting with Carmilla Carmine) Ugh.... I need a-

Angel: (pops up out of nowhere and holds up a cocktail) Drink?

Vaggie: ..... (Takes the drink, secretly appreciative) That was... oddly fast.

Angel: Not really. This was Charlie's, but Husk had to cut her off.

Vaggie: (sputters) I'm sorry. WHAT?!?!

Angel: (giggling like an imp before grabbing Vaggie's hand and dragging her down to the bar) You gotta come see this!

Charlie: (demon mode, suit coat missing and her shirt mostly unbuttoned, bowtie undone, snarling and flexing her claws at a mirror like a puppy seeing its reflection for the first time)

Vaggie: Uh.... What?

Angel: Watch this. (To Charlie) How's putting that homewrecking bitch into submission going, Toots?!

Charlie: (turns to Angel with an excited, fang filled smile) I think I got this bitch on the ropes! *gasp* Hi, Vaggie!!!

Husker: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Charlie: (eyes shift towards the mirror and fire spews from her body as she turns her full attention to her reflection with a growl) Now, you listen here, you cum guzzling bitch.

Vaggie: (gasps and covers her mouth)

Charlie: Vaggie is MY girlfriend! Mine! I'm the one who crawls into bed with her at night. I'm the one who gets to give her kisses every day. And I'M the one who got to wear her thighs as earrings on Thursday night!!!

Angel: (howls with laughter)

Vaggie: (zips to Charlie and firmly grabs her arms) Okay! That's enough of that. It's time to get you to bed, little missy.

Charlie: (melts at Vaggie's touch) Okay, babe. I love you so much. (Glances back at the mirror as she's led away and snarls) You got lucky this time.

Angel: (waits until they're put of earshot) Please tell me someone got a video of her shadow boxing herself for thinking horny thoughts about Ol' Featherduster.

[stardevlin]

[lenok993]

Oh dear, oh dear. Gorgeous

You fucking donkey

[aliensimp]

Made some hazbin valentines 💝

[whorebughaze]

angel dust is elmo au

[radioducky]

Do not touch his Beignets.

[melminli]

Poison Paradise

pairing: hazbin hotel x fem. reader

summery - the gang finds out about one of your past relationships, which was kinda - well, actually really bad. you weren't proud that it happened either, but it did, and you couldn't really change that fact. no matter how much you wanted to.

word count: 1.5k

contains: alcohol consumption, toxic relationships, crack, (tw: val), cursing, strong language, sinner reader, sexual themes, demon horniness

Angel Dust felt his way through the liquor cabinet at the bar with all the arms at his disposal, looking for more stuff, stronger stuff - he wasn't necessarily picky, to be honest. The only thing that mattered was that it would make him feel numb. He had already put a good collection of bottles on the counter, and it was a large pile of different stuff. Though, he doubted if any amount of alcohol would be enough today. Fuck it, maybe all of Hell didn't even have enough alcohol for him because after today, Angel believed anything to be possible.

"Get the fuck out of my bar." Husker finally grumbled as he spotted the intruder in his area. "You sit. I make drinks." He said and shoved his emotional figure out by force. He really didn't want to listen to any of his whining right now.

A loud groan was heard in response, one that epitomized Angel's agony. "One fuckin' drink won't be enough this time." He moaned as if he was in pain and draped himself over a bar stool before grabbing one of the bottles he had placed on the counter earlier. He drank the whole thing without looking at the label. "I don't even think all the damn drinks in Hell could fill this horrible feelin' in the deepest parts of my heart." He said, wiping away the liquid that had spilled from the corner of his mouth. He was about to take another bottle, but Husker took it away before it could get anywhere near his mouth.

The cat demon furrowed his eyebrows. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you have to fuck an ugly guy at work or something?" He asked him, but that didn't quite seem to be it from Angel's reaction. "Two ugly guys?"

The famous porn star finally looked up with his face. "I wish! If I had to fuck a hundred ugly guys to undo what I've heard, I would!"

Well, maybe he would do it regardless, since it wasn't really in his hands and that was his fucking job, but that wasn't the point right now.

The two girls were just arriving in the main hall when they heard the commotion. Charlie looked a little worried at what Angel was saying. "What did you hear?" She asked, also out of mild curiosity.

At the question, he draped himself dramatically over the bar stool again, as if the mere memory of it was enough to make him nauseous. "I don't even wanna say it out loud. Makes me wanna puke just thinkin' 'bout it."

Every pair of eyes in the room looked around a little confused, but no one really seemed to have a clue what was going on. Vaggie looked to the bartender. "What the hell is wrong with him." She asked with interest but only got a shrug in response.

Several minutes passed as the people in the room busied themselves trying to figure out what seemed to be upsetting poor Angels Dust. Though, It was more Charlie who took on this task, while the other two watched quietly, and Niffty tried to spear a bug with a fork in some corner. Neither of them was really successful at what they were doing.

So since everyone was kind of busy with something else, no one really noticed at first when you came through the door. That was until you spoke up. "Oh, hello, guys. Did I miss today's activity? Damn it, that's such a shame!" You tried to say in a very disappointed manner, with the worst acting skills in history.

You had to end the act somewhat abruptly though, when Angel Dust suddenly pointed an accusing finger at you and yelled out, "Ya and Val were fuckin' each other!" He threw the accusation at you, which to be honest wasn't really that much of a surprise to any one. After all, this was Hell we were talking about, people were fucking each other all the time and we were here talking about the Valentino.

Angel himself realized his mistake. "Well, that's actually not that bad." He mumbled, trying not to sound like a hypocrite. Then he stood from his position and pointed his index finger accusingly at you again. "Ya and that freak were in a lovin', committed relationship!"

Everyone's mouths dropped open and for a few seconds nothing could be heard except the coughing of Husker as he tried to stop himself from choking on his drink.

You looked around the room, slightly on display, not really sure what to say. "Uhhh..." you stuttered, trying to get something out. "...who's Val? I mean seriously, never heard of the guy." You laughed out, sweating.

The cat demon waved his hand in disinterest at what you were saying since you were just bullshitting. "You were dating that evil porn director of the Vees?" He asked disbelievingly. "Is that even possible? I bet that fucker can't even stay committed to a brand of soap."

You looked to the side, slightly ashamed. "Well, he wasn't the evil porn diractor of the Vees when I was dating him." You assured them and then added. "Besides, underneath all that fur is a really nice guy who can be really sweet sometimes!" You shouted out and saw how no one really believed your words, and you couldn't really blame them since you didn't even do it yourself. You tried only telling half the truth, and that didn't seem to work out, so you finally gave up. "Okay, fine. The relationship was toxic as shit and made me want to kill myself. It's not my proudest work. Are you happy now?"

Vaggie looked a little confused. Because what you said and what Angel said didn't really seem to match up. Yours sounded more accurate. "That sounds more like that Val guy."

You shrugged your shoulders and laughed. "Yeah, I really have no idea where you picked that up, Angel." You said, tapping him on the chest. "But I can assure you that it was anything but loving and committed, trust me. You of all people should know best."

Of course he did. When Angel heard about how you and the guy who held him on a leash (in a non-kinky way) were a thing he felt a little betrayed, but it seems like Val also wasn't the best thing that happened to you. "Of course I do, I just didn't think ya did, too." He admitted, leaning a little closer to you. "I still can not believe that this guy was in any kind of relationship, if I'm being honest. I mean, how could ya even convince him to do that?"

You blinked a couple of times. "I didn't have to. He asked me to be his girlfriend." You saw the others look shocked again, and even the two who always had a very uninterested attitude towards most things seemed to want to know more. "I know! I was also really surprised when he did it, I mean it's...Val."

With all the stuff she'd heard so far, Charlie couldn't help but look a little disappointed. "Why did you even get involved with him in the first place if you knew he was bad news?"

You avoided looking at anyone. "Well, I wasn't lying before. He could be nice, sometimes even more than that." You whispered as you thought back to that time. "But most of the time, he wasn't. And he kept promising me that he would change, but that never really lasted for long, so yeah..." you said, shrugging your shoulders like it was nothing. "That's why I broke up with him."

Husker's eyebrows drew together suspiciously. "And he just let you?"

When you only gave a hesitant nod in response, Angel's patience burst. "Ya can't just give a half-assed version of the story! I need all the information down to the smallest detail!" He shouted and shook you by the shoulders.

The Princess of Hell and her girlfriend looked a little worried at the scene before them. Charlie finally spoke up and tried to be the voice of reason by walking between you two. "Maybe it's a sensitive subject for her. We shouldn't force her to tell something that brings up bad memories, don't you think so, Angel?"

At what she said, his grip on you loosened, giving you a chance to escape to a safe distance. "I'm pretty over it to be honest, but I'm not telling shit to a mean bitch!" You exclaimed and then quickly ran away.

At that, the spider demon immediately ran after you like a bullet out of a gun. "Get over here! I'll pull the information out of yer throat if I have to!"

Oh boy. Charlie had hoped that she could have taught you all a valuable lesson through this situation, but unfortunately, that really didn't go as planned. As if anything did around here. She thought to herself with a slight smile on her face.

[shinyrockalaska]

Val got his stupid cheap heart glasses from a happy meal it's cannon I don't make the rules

[mabeljonesrock]

Hazbin Hotel Crack Au: Adam becomes Beetlejuice

After getting killed by Niffty and dying in hell, Adam is later revived as a sinner but loses his memories in a process, including his name. He couldn't remember his name so he named himself Beetlejuice. He managed to escape Hell and enter the Neitherworld where he becomes a ghost.

[chaoticace2005]

Alastor misinterpreting modern LGBTQIA+ labels also leaves room for so much confusion with the rest of the cast:

(Based on @onesidedradiostatic ‘s posts)

-Genuinely thinks Husk is attracted to kitchenware, to the point where one of his “punishments” is not being allowed in the kitchen

-If Huskerdust then Alastor begins to question if Angel is secretly a pan

-Knows Angel isn’t a pan so Alastor tells him there is no chance if Huskerdust happening (talked about here)

-Angel saying he’s gay and Alastor questioning that because he was sure Angel was depressed

-Reevaluating the bisexual label AGAIN when he finds out Pentious has two dicks, causing him to question his previous statement of Vox being dickless

-Vaggie: Im Lesbian, Alastor: I don’t believe I’m familiar with that country

-Alastor thinking all angels and/or exorcists are lesbians (yes, this includes Adam and Lucifer)

-Him thinking of Charlie as half-lesbian, not because he’s biphobic but because she’s half angel

-Lucifer mentioning he’s kind of gender-fluid so he wonders if the fluid of Lucifer is what’s responsible for one’s gender

-Thinking trans means transportation/transit/transcontinental railroad and assumes they’re the best people to travel with

-Him thinking “bisexual” refers to having two partners

-Him thinking “bisexual” refers to being attracted to bicycles so he removes all bicycles (and pans because fuck you Husker) from the hotel

-Him thinking the term “ace” refers to a phenomenal card player because he beat Husk in poker, taunts Husk for not being “ace” anymore (Alastor stole Husk’s aceness)

[goldenamaranthe-blog]

Lucifer: Charlie?

Charlie: Yes, Dad?

Lucifer: Can I have a caramel apple?

Charlie: What did Vaggie say?

Lucifer: She said, "No," because it'll spoil my dinner.

Charlie: Then.... why are you asking me?

Lucifer: Because you're the Princess of Hell and she isn't the boss of you.

Charlie: ........You're the KING of Hell!!! She isn't the boss of you either!!!

Lucifer: But she can be so scary!

[carrythatwayt]

Angel Dust's POV:

[lenok993]

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE ~ OBSESSION

Every day, he's got a new format You're lookin' at the future, he's the shit that comes before that!

I'm your guy, your day-to-day, Your chum, your steadfast hotelier.

[idkwhoiam6]

I really like crack ships and I have a feeling at 3am watching hazbin and drew some fan art lol in cannon one is straight and they have never met but...idc lol (hate is okay cause I know it makes no since)

characters belong to: @vivziepop

[whorebughaze]