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yokelish · 4 years ago

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Why Yo once read Harry Potter books (in translation) "Half-Blood Prince" and "Deathly Hallows".

I am not going to deny that I can be what kids call spiteful little cunt. So imagine the glee I felt when I realized that a. my peers (mostly classmates) were into Harry Potter at least enough to watch the movies and follow the story b. the books were finished but the movies weren't.

Now, I am shit at math and as a child I didn't like to read much fantasy due to lack of visual imagination. But since there was already a ground work in movies that would be of little consequence, I thought, and calculated that if I were to read the last two books in HP franchise over summer break I could ruin the next two-three years for approximately 20 kids. I really have to thank film makers for breaking the last movie into two parts.

And so, I got the books. My parents never protested about buying me books. Like if that bitch had hardcover and had pages inside, I could have it regardless. They never paid attention to the ACTUAL covers of the books which led to some INTERSTING ALBEIT INAPROPRIATE READINGS.

As a true fan, of course, I had to start with the least exciting book, which was Half-Blood Prince. The thing was, as I realized somewhere in the scene of Dumbledore drinking some green goo to get a medallion is that I didn't watch enough Harry Potter movies. I watched the first three and was like "yeah, it's good!". No. No, it wasn't. Too many character names, too many things about the world that I didn't know about. Why drink the goo and not like spill it into this green lake that literally surrounds you? Because magic means it has to be drank. Okay, why not make some magical or even non-magical animal drink it? Like, it's sad, sure, animal right and no-cruelty testing hooray, but a wise wizard doesn't have to lose his mind. And also... WHOMST THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE FROM BLACK (surname) FAMILY THAT I SHOULD CARE SO MUCH ABOUT? (Spoilers: Harry's Godfather's Brother.)

So, by the dumb rules of HP universe, I had to put down the book and re-watch all the available movies. Which was fucking hard back in the day since Netflix and Internet weren't a thing. Thus, I had to remember character names, locations, all that good stuff. Who the fuck is who and why.

So, going back to Harry Potter books. I am what you'd call a little fucking crazy. Like I can't skip chapters or pages in the book. A mental thing or something. If my eyes didn't touch every single word printed, the book wasn't read. And I didn't like that. So, despite my absolute loathing towards everything and everyone in Half-Blood Prince, I persevered.

On side note, the books actually made me appreciate the movies more. Because the dude who played Harry was charming and funny. And the movies didn't make me live in Harry's head. At times, he was an awful human being by choice. And people say "HE WAS AN ABUSED ORPHAN". So, like, every other hero in fantasy. They didn't have to be awful by choice. Alexander Hamilton, too, was an orphan, I don't see many of you here defending his shitty choices.

And it's not like my childish self wanted Harry to be perfect, no; I picked up Eragon soon after I was done with Harry Potter mostly because I wanted fantasy that would heal my broken soul. And Eragon was a dumb village boi. And he was thrown so much responsibility on him he couldn't handle it. He started by fucking up and he continued to fuck up till like book 3. A big lizard that hatched 6 months ago was smarter and wiser than Eragon. In fact, Eragon who was so ignorant and people-pleasing he accidentally cursed a newborn child. And even that once single moment of "shit I can never undo so it will haunt me forever" was a lot more powerful to me than Harry talking to his dead parents before going to face the Evil Overlord. Though, giving credit where credit is due, it could be also an issue of relating to a character. I doubt I would have found a magic stone that would bring the ghosts of my very much alive parents, but I did have a big mean mouth and I could say shit I regretted easily.

Anyway, back to the point. I found Half-Blood Prince an insufferable reading experience. Every single character, and especially Harry, every other progression and "plot twist" in the book just made me want to drop it. And remember, I am a very hecking young reader. I have no analytical skills, I didn't even have taste. I wasn't be able to tell what is considered "classic lit" from "modern lit". So many things just didn't make sense. Why do Death Eaters have that Skull and Snake symbol in the sky? It's like those cartoonish thieves who leave a note after a successful heist. Why does magic...works that way? Like, my dumb self, out of nowhere decided that being a good magician in HP universe was kinda similar to being a good athlete. Training, education, and some natural talent do the trick. And that wands were just instruments to channel magic. But apparently, a fucking stick can you hella powerful? There's the Queen Stick. The Stick of sticks. I think the Stick of sticks annoyed me more than anything. It's a shitty McGuffin for an Evil Overlord who came back from the dead.

The whole book felt like a fever dream, to be honest, and not even like fun one. It felt like the fever dream you'd get on malaria or something. I understood why Dumbledore decided to drink that green goo and lose his mind. I wanted that, too.

After finishing Half-Blood Prince and knowing what it was like to live in Harry's head, I moved on to the last book. Which was easier to read due to its cartoonish-ness. It was strange picking it up and having Harry leave on this lone hero journey to find Evil Lord soul pieces while also having moments like "a tale from a children's book that is actually Harry's heritage". The ceiling in their friend's house that is painted with their names, and then BOOM, evil dudes attack. A dude seeing an illusion of his "love interest" making out (VERY VIVIDLY THROUGH HARRY'S EYES GOD I HATED THAT SCENE) with his best friend and teleporting the fuck out of that middle of nowhere they were hiding in. An Evil Overlord giving the big I WON speech without checking for HIMSELF if THE BOY HE TRIED TO KILL EVERY YEAR FOR 6 YEARS IS ACTUALLY FUCKING DEAD.

So, yeah, I didn't like Harry Potter books. Well, the last two I actually read in translation. I still stand by the fact J.K. is a midcore writer since I tried to read her other books that are not HP (yes, they exist) in her mother tongue. I am glad I pirated them and never finished!

So yeah, after summer break, I told my classmates that I read four Harry Potter books, because a. I could lie like a motherfucker b. how would they check? And told them how it was going to end. I guess, because we were all young and spoiler culture wasn't such a big issue we just all kinda shrugged and went on with our day. It's also not that big of a reveal if you think about it. Evil Overlord is dead and the hero survives! How unexpected! No one gave a fuck about ginger twin dying.

But! Good thing is that no one was interested in watching any more HP movies outside of what they already watched. So, I ruined that for the movie industry. And no one ever talked about Harry Potter again.

Until our next summer break, and our homerun teacher giving us a summer assignment that included reading HP books. I was exempt from that. And no one did it! That was incredibly proud moment for me that came a year later! No one wanted to read the book anymore!

I single-handedly ruined the sales of HP books and movies in a small ass city. Word travels fast.

Next time, I'll tell you all about the time I argued with a dude about how Avatar: The Last Airbender The Movie was going to suck balls and how passionately he denied me.

#Harry Potter and spiteful Yokelish

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homespork-review · 5 years ago

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Homespork Act 3: Insane Mindscrew Haymakers (Part 3)

FAILURE ARTIST: We cut to PM, WV, and AR in the far but not that far future. WV is trying to obey the letter’s direction to give the package to PM but AR keeps shooting. Yet WV and PM take cover behind a rock and WV is able to complete the task. The letter calls PM “Miss Mail Lady” so we now have a gender.

Back to Dream Jade. She flies to another golden tower and peers in on John sleeping. This bedroom is also defaced like his one in the waking world, plus there’s a creepy harlequin doll next to him. She isn’t sure if he got her present or if she even sent it, so she decides she’ll ask later.

CHEL: Dream John is fitfully asleep, but Jade intends to let him wake up on his own. Here, it’s established that Dream Jade does not know everything waking Jade does, as she decides she needs a system to remind her of things, which in the waking world she has (remember the COLORFUL REMINDERS).

The moon on which the city is now revealed to be placed is moving close to Skaia, the gargantuan sphere of cloudy blue sky mentioned by Nannasprite as the crucible of creation. Apparently it’s not safe to be outside during the “eclipse”, so Jade heads back to her tower.

FAILURE ARTIST: We cut to John alchemizing a bunch of stuff, some useful and some never to appear again. One of these things is a Cosbytop computer and that hasn’t aged well. John feels like it’s both his birthday and Christmas and though he thinks that’s impossible these pages came out a few days before Christmas. This fourth wall wink and nod comes up during another alchemizing frenzy.

CHEL: He contemplates a “1980s time-lapse montage” but instead we have to sit through him alchemising everything item by item.

GET ON WITH IT!: 12

Though he does come up with some useful stuff, including a rather snappy suit. By combining his glasses with the PDA he gets hands-free internet, and the sledgehammer, telescope, and Sassacre book together create the TELESCOPIC SASSACRUSHER, an extremely powerful weapon which unfortunately he can’t lift. Nannasprite’s ectoplasm and the gushers make healing candies, and ectoplasm, the fake arms, and the PDA solve the giant hammer problem by making REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLETS. One of the funnier items is a steam-iron-hammer he calls the WRINKLEFUCKER.

Dave, meanwhile, is STILL strifing with Bro, who apparently doesn’t notice or doesn’t care about the fact that the city is being flattened by meteors around them. Not doing a good job of showing “yes, this fight should be taken seriously”.

TIER: Neither does Dave for that matter, fucks given remains at a cool absolute zero on this roof.

GET ON WITH IT!: 13 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 6

CHEL: At least it’s captioned FINAL ROUND now. Surrounded by watching crows, Dave hurls himself at Bro, and their collision results in the snapping of Dave’s sword, the bisection of Lil Cal (hooray!) and, somehow, the splitting of the picture of the record on Dave’s T-shirt; not cutting the cloth, turning the picture of a whole record into one of a broken record, which it will remain for the rest of its time in the story. Lots of analysis has been done by fans about how this represents Bro’s abuse shattering Dave’s true inner self, but in the context, it just looks like even sillier cartoon physics than we already had, if one even notices it (in the rush of visuals it’s easy to miss the first time round). It probably doesn’t help that Bro never actually says anything (nor do either of the other living adults), so we don’t really know what his thoughts on the matter are.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 12

Dave goes flying, rolling and skidding across the roof, landing in a rather battered-looking heap but with no serious harm done, and Bro chucks the game discs at him and… flies off on a hoverboard which I guess he has? Yet again, not adding to a serious tone here. Are hoverboards normal in this universe? Like the sylladexes, it was never established. Dave messages John, matter-of-factly telling him “bro just kicked my ass”. It’s still unclear how literal John thinks this ass-kicking is.

BRIGHT: This is apparently a universe in which some form of combat with one’s guardian is apparently routine, so John might well be thinking of Dave’s strifes with Bro as just a more intense version of a normal practice. On the other hand, by that same token, there’s nothing at this stage to say it isn’t just a more intense version of a normal practice. In fact, both John’s and Dave’s reactions suggest this is the case.

The problem really comes later on. If Dave’s situation is going to be taken seriously, then so should everyone else’s. Right now, although there are suggestions that all is not well, the tone of the text takes none of these situations seriously. It keeps everyone on a more even footing.

CHEL: Back on the golden moon, the eclipse is happening; during same, the moon and Jade’s tower thereupon, which are chained to the planet, swing right inside Skaia, surrounding it with clouds. On the surface of the clouds, we see images of events which happened earlier, including John’s house in the Medium, Rose’s house aflame, the tree in the desert, and the meteors falling on Dave’s city. This, we gather, is from where Jade obtains her mysterious information!

Dream Jade types messages to John, while the Dreambot types them out on a keyboard in the real world so he can actually get them. We proceed to see the same conversation about the package and SBurb we saw when Jade was first introduced, but this time I think a recap of it is actually pretty useful, especially the reference to the explosion. What happens is a little hard to parse, but as far as I can make out, a cloud shows a vision of a meteor emerging from a space portal, and the meteor actually emerges from the vision, becoming a cloud in the process. Said cloud-meteor then passes into a vision of Jade’s island when the volcano was still active and strikes down as the real meteor did in that time period. Jade, in her tower, hears it; I guess this is why it’s not safe to go outside during the eclipse?

In the volcano vision, we pull into a close-up shot of the lava-filled crater beneath the volcano, and a very familiar featureless canine head starts to emerge from it. Creepy.

Jade leaves the tower to check, and finds a vision of the lava with a blossom-like lit-up spirograph emerging from it, but when she tries to look, vision-Bec blocks her view of it, as the real Bec flies back and forth in front of the Dreambot. She messages John again, saying Bec doesn’t want her to go near the meteor crash site.

In John’s dream tower, the bed is empty; Dream John is now hovering outside it, eyes firmly shut. Jade sees him and drifts toward him, while John’s eyes slowly open. (This bit fuelled a fair amount of shipping at the time.) We see again the shaped clouds and the slowly approaching silhouette of Jade, revealing this to be the time when John fell asleep earlier, and at the exact same moment, real Jade and real John awake.

Again, we have a repeated conversation, this one being the one where Jade implores John to wake up. Now we know what she meant! Again, I think recapping this is reasonable, but maybe it could have been trimmed down so we just got the important points? That should have been done with all the repeat convos, really.

TIER: Personally speaking the little blurbs of repeated conversation shown during the flash would've gotten the point across without having to completely rehash the conversations.

With Jade awake properly, we get another convo rehash (now with proper context from both sides). Jade then consults her COLORFUL REMINDERS, as the visions of past and future events visible in the clouds as she sleeps can get very confusing very fast and the things help her put everything into usable info! With is fitting because dreams are trippy and easily forgotten. Jade notes two things: that this time there wasn't that much of future being shown, and that this is the first time that her dog guardian Bec has shown up a dream.

Bec has apparently never let Jade wander into the weird temple that is such a strange landmark of her island, but with the overpowered pooch taking a nap at the feet of his master's corpse, this is a good a time as any to try and pull one over him!

As Jade zip lines towards the temple and Rose continues construction on John's house, we cut back to Dave in the aftermath of the strife.

Dave is slightly saddened by poor Cal's “unfortunate” bisection (personally I was hollering because fuck that thing Jesus). His strife kind has also been turned into a ½ bladekind, courtesy of Bro fucking up his shit blade. Fucking rude man.

BRIGHT: Fighting with half a sword never seems to hinder Dave, but it still seems a silly thing to do when Bro quite possibly knew Dave was headed into heavy combat. It’s funny at the time though!

FAILURE ARTIST: When I first read Homestuck, I was sad Bro didn’t seem to care about Lil Cal, but with later revelations...would be better if that puppet never existed.

TIER: Dave attempts to grab the beta that he worked so hard for, but wouldn't ya know it his dang inventory is all filled up. Mostly with useless crap, as Dave admits as well. After a quick setup change for his modus, Dave finally has the beta! Congrats!!

CHEL: *looks pointedly at GET ON WITH IT count*

TIER: While Dave attempts to pester her, Rose has finished building up John's house, which marks the end of how much more she can help John as his server player. There's not much else to do for her till Dave shows up. She's also nearly done with John's gift, that'll show him that Rose is the God King of, and I am quoting right now “facetious sentimental gestures”. That's a peculiar and slightly worrying sentiment to have. What an adorably wordy yet cheeky little goth.

With that, we jump back a few months into the past, when it was Rose's 13th birthday. She's opening a package from John (signed under his old handle ghostyTrickster) containing the gift of knitting stuff (yarn and knitting needles) and a very dorky yet endearing letter from the blue boy. What a goof.

Rose is then pestered by one of the trollslum inhabitants, this one by the name of grimAuxiliatrix! They type Like This, And I Think It's Very Neat. Also quite verbose this one. Like personally I kinda need to carefully read and reread their words to get what the fuck they're trying to get to. In this case, it's politely bitching about humans while weird time related fuckery gets explicitly name dropped. Mainly the weird situation that is the trolls being/not being from the future. It's as confusing as it sounds.

CHEL: I think here’s the first indication that the trolls aren’t just other humans. Meanwhile, notice that one of the names in the Trollslum is “centaursTesticle”. Lovely. That character will, as the handle suggests, be the source of a LOT of CALL CPA PLEASE points. But anyway.

GA: No We Arent From "The Future" GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future. GA: We Did GA: Your Future GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago TT: I understand. TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline. TT: It's not that complicated.

TIER: While that confusing thing keeps happening, we jump on over to a younger Dave, whole record shirt and dumb not-Kamina anime glasses wearing. He too is opening a birthday gift, which consists of his iconic aviators and a letter as well. The letter is just as endearing as the one John sent to Rose. Might just be my bias talking concerning how much John is undoubtedly and unchallenged my favorite character overall.

CHEL: I think so too, but I’m still giving him a point for him telling Dave his “gay butt stinks”, even though he is a twelve-year-old boy - it never gets called out or presented as bad that the kids say -ism-based insults until near the end, and that part has its own problems which we’ll get to then. The rest of it’s cute though.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 11

I’d like to bring up another webcomic which is known for its incredibly offensive humour; R. K. Milholland’s Something Positive. Specifically, I’d like to contrast the offensive humour of it with the offensive humour of Homestuck. In S*P, the point of the offensive humour is that the characters saying or doing the offensive thing are horrible people who should not be emulated, and even they disapprove strongly of homophobic/racist insults. Here is one of the tamer examples, from 2003 (so later comics have no excuse). Please note the character saying all this is both very drunk and very frustrated by having read a lot of terrible writing at the time, and his decision to do this comes back to bite him later.

In contrast, the point of Homestuck’s offensive jokes seems to be that either offensive things are inherently funny or the writer doesn’t realise why they’re offensive.

John tells Dave he thinks he needs to get out of his brother’s shadow, showing no concern for Dave’s actual wellbeing; more evidence that either they don’t know about the strifes or don’t care. The gift John has given is the glasses worn by Ben Stiller, which John suggests could replace Dave’s current anime shades. John worries that they’re “sort of a shitty present”, which again makes me wonder about the Egberts’ financial status - we weren’t able to find an actual figure for them but those things would cost thousands, so what the hell makes him call them “shitty”? How much did Hussie think movie memorabilia cost? Name of the count aside, we’re using it for when their economic statuses are weird in general, so here we go again:

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 8

TIER: Dave too is dealing with a trollslum inhabitant, this one by the name of adiosToreador. It's around here that the trolls typing starts to get head tilt worthy. As Dave so eloquently puts it, toreador types like a tool. I mean, lOOK AT THIS, lOOK ME IN THE EYES, aND TELL ME THIS AIN'T RIDICULOUS.

CHEL: AT opens by telling Dave he’s awful, and Dave responds with frustration at having to deal with the trolls yet again. He complains that he’s “wasting good material on you guys” and that there’s no substance to their trolling; he also mentions one of them thinking he was a girl, which I think is the original source of the fandom’s popular female-to-male transgender Dave headcanon.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think it’s just that Dave is a popular character.

CHEL: I don’t know, it started well before the fandom started getting really enthusiastic about assigning identities to everyone, from what I saw, but maybe.

TIER: My two cents concerning this matter is that it's probably a combination of the two. Dave seems to resonate quite well with a great majority of the fans, so from what I've seen they more readily project onto him.

AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE, AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY, AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO,

CHEL: The readers immediately start wondering what this thing is, but Dave is unconcerned, and immediately accuses AT of perving on him. Here is where the CALL CPA PLEASE count really starts to ramp up, because on one hand, yes it’s hilarious to watch the tables being turned, but on the other, this coming out of a boy who literally just turned thirteen that day is… uncomfortable for a lot of adult readers, especially since we know his home has obscene material lying around all over it and as mentioned before that can really mess up a kid, even if Bro was not in fact putting him in his movies directly.

TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS, TG: no man TG: look TG: i just need to know when to be there TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise AT: uHHH, AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME, CALL CPA PLEASE: 5

TIER: How many words does a 13 year old need for his private parts? Asking for a friend. I get that Dave is a little gremlin but holy shit y'all.

CHEL: To quote Hiveswap, “SOUNDS LIKE SETUP TO ‘RIDDLE’ OR PERHAPS ‘JOKE’.” Or maybe a really weird rewrite of “Blowin’ in the Wind” and I just realised the (in)appropriateness of that song title. Anyway, I’m giving one CPA point for each of those elaborate descriptions. AT, perturbed, announces his intention to leave, but Dave continues.

TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch TG: you and me TG: welcome to nam TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop AT: uHHH, wHO, AT: wHO'S CHARLIE, TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling AT: oH MY GOD, CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 14 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 9

Hey, our first double point assignment! Two points for using the same racist joke again, as if it wasn’t offensive enough the first time. And another one for the fat joke.

FAILURE ARTIST: Lifting the newlyweds on chairs is a Jewish tradition so I guess Hussie’s antisemitism didn’t start this year.

CHEL: Isn’t stepping on a bottle a Jewish thing too? Does that count as more than one anti-Semitic joke or is it all part of the same one?

FAILURE ARTIST: Yeah, that’s also a thing. But I’d say it counts as one big joke.

CHEL: Does the Vietnam joke count as a separate one? I’m not sure what the general attitude to those is since about half of 20th-century British comedy revolves around WW2 jokes and no one minds those.

TG: thats what you see TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong CALL CPA PLEASE: 7

CHEL: All the counts aside, I can see what Hussie was going for and the general idea’s still amusing, culminating in one of the funniest bits in the comic when all this leads up to adiosToreador [AT] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] - I think we’ve all wanted to be Dave here. I’m fully aware that this sequence was meant to be somewhat uncomfortable, but given that Hussie later tries to tell us that Dave’s home life scarred him for real, yet he presented this as funny, it adds to the general feeling of Hussie berating the reader for laughing at the comedy. I think he was just trying to pander to the woke side of the fanbase with that, but we’ll get to it when we get there.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 13

FAILURE ARTIST: We go to AIMLESS RENEGADE, who has finally run out on his clip without hitting anyone. Apparently, some nitpicker on the forum (not me) pointed out the AR’s gun is magazine-fed, not clip-fed, but AR doesn’t give a shit about that.

CHEL: “A clip is not a magazine, a mag is not a clip; neither is a grip a stock, and "stock" does not mean grip.”

FAILURE ARTIST: AR examines the murals and declares the amphibian and reptilian images illegal pictography. AR arms themselves with a rocket launcher but wonders if they should befriend WV and PM - particularly PM. However, AR decides the two have committed too many crimes that make AR’s carapace steam. AR dresses as a judge (to complement WV as a mayor and PM as a mail carrier) and declares order in the court. AR wants to go down the moving platform to catch WV and PM but it isn’t operating right.

Closer to present time, Jade puts her gift to John on top of the monument. The gift disappears, just as Jade planned. Back in the future, PM looks at her drawing showing where she’s supposed to go. The drawing seems to be inaccurate until the tower is shot down. It turns out AR accidentally launched a rocket at it. AR tries again to hit the criminals but is distracted by PM’s beauty. Instead, AR shoots the mobile station. WV throws a can of Tab and PM grabs the package in a clever callback to SBaHJ’s sock ruse comic.

PM gets the package to the Appearifier and Sendifies it into Jade’s toddlerhood, back when Grandpa was alive and shooting butterflies. Inside the package is a letter from John, a too-big t-shirt with a blue ghost on it, and pumpkin seeds. So we have the root of Jade’s friendship with John and the others and her interest in gardening. That’s a very elaborate time loop.

CHEL: Get used to elaborate time loops. Anyway, the letter’s painfully adorable again. John thanks Jade for her years of friendship and for being the reason he met Rose and Dave. He gave Jade pumpkin seeds because future Jade had been upset that her pumpkins kept disappearing so he wanted to help her grow more. Unfortunately his declaration that three people is “almost like, TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP” was cute at first glance, but given how he has no contact with anyone but them that we see, it becomes a tad creepy. Did he not expect to ever have any friends, or more than one friend? The implication that Dadbert kept him locked in his room all the time is looking more and more likely!

We cut to a cartoon sound effect, WHOP, and You bear the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face, “you” now being Archagent Jack Noir. The sound effect is the result of Dad Egbert punching Jack in the face. Jack pulls a switchblade, but Dad retaliates by lighting Jack’s hated jester hat on fire, throwing it to the ground, spraying shaving cream on it, and stomping on it. Jack immediately sets Dad free.

Jade is instructed by the prompt to “Play guitar to summon giant lily pads”, which she does, and it works… somehow? I’m not sure how that happens. Anyway, she uses the lily pads to hop over to the frog temple, finding in it a wall covered in tiny lime green glowing symbols.

Cut back to Dave, who has finally succeeded in installing the beta, and not a moment too soon as Rose’s room is now full of red light, soon to be aflame. Rose is calm enough to join Dave in a SBaHJ joke, and we go into the act-ending animation, [S] Enter.

Dave dramatically sips his fortunately-really-apple-juice and draws cartoons as the game loads, while Rose plays with Vodka Mutini and Jade scurries through the temple. For clarity’s sake, I’ll describe each character’s actions in a separate paragraph.

"Homestuck - [S] Enter [End of act 3]" (Watch on YouTube)

In Rose’s burning house Dave quickly deploys the necessary machinery. There’s so little safe room left to use that he has to throw Rose’s bed into the burning forest for one, put one in the observatory, and put the third on the nearby roof; fortunately Rose is able to get to them all. Dave uses the wizard statue to knock open the Cruxtruder, then drops it outside, breaking its hand off and sending the hand flying. He moves the cruxite to the lathe, where Rose produces a totem for her entry item, a bottle. Rose flings the dead Jaspers into the Kernelsprite and Dave grabs the Eldritch Princess doll to put in too, but the flying wizard statue hand knocks the entry item into the nearby waterfall. Rose leaps out over the drop, successfully catches it, and is in turn caught by a long purple tentacle....

Flaming whirlwinds approach the house; Rose swings the bottle to shatter it, and the meteor lands.

In the temple, we see an enormous flower atop another countdown device, noting four-and-a-half minutes till disaster, but Jade suddenly falls asleep again, waking up with only nineteen seconds to go. Unlike John randomly falling asleep mid-battle, this has been happening often enough to seem to be a legitimate problem with a story-based cause. Keep an eye on that.

Dave, meanwhile, is still in his room, which is now filled with crows. He seems flustered at first, but in a later shot he’s back at his computer with a crow perched on his head, seemingly fine.

Back at John’s house, Nannasprite opens up his newer copy of Sassacre’s book and starts to inscribe the very message we read earlier, so she didn’t in fact know about it during her life. Seems odd that she’d bother doing this rather than just saying it, though, especially since when she finishes, she drops the book into the chasm, where it plummets through grey clouds, emerging over a dark-blue land scattered with tiny lights and black rivers. John, covered in oil, runs up the many stairs of his remodelled house, smashing imps left and right with single blows from the WRINKLEFUCKER and directing the SASSACRUSHER with the GHOST GAUNTLETS to take on the ogres. When he reaches the top, he slams his hammer down one last time and bounces upwards to the spirograph portal, entering whatever’s on the other side. Fade to white.

Generally, a very good flash! Exciting but doesn’t sacrifice useful information for drama, and now two characters have reached their current goals but more is still going on. Lovely music too. I think the Flash animations are one of Hussie’s greater strengths here.

FAILURE ARTIST: The animation was what drew me into Homestuck and this is a particularly good one.

CHEL: A couple of static pages wrap up the Act; we pan out from John’s house to see it and the pinnacle it’s perched on are now looming above the same dark-blue land covered with thick clouds that the book fell onto, which we now see is in fact an entire very small planet. Curtains close.

So that’s the end of Act 3! What does everyone think?

FAILURE ARTIST: It was fun seeing Jade and the Exiles but sad thinking about how underutilized they ended up. Especially poor AR.

BRIGHT: This is where the elaborate time loops really started to kick in, and I’ve gotta say, I’m not a fan. I recognise that they’re a key feature of Homestuck, but I found some of them too confusing on my first read through. (Though they do make more sense on subsequent reads.)

I think on the whole this Act is quite well paced. I really loved the bits with Jade, and a lot of nifty background info gets introduced without being infodumped.

TIER: I wasn't even aware that webcomics on the internet were a thing at this point, but I do believe that it's around here that Homestuck's popularity was starting to pick up, no? This chapter went a lot deeper into the strangeness of the game to!

FAILURE ARTIST:

Homestuck was popular but I don’t think it became a phenomenon until Act 5 when the trolls were fully introduced. Lots of people even skipped Acts 1-4 and the Intermission to get to them. I think a lot of the pre-Act 5 fans were my age (20s) while after that many were teens or tweens. Admittedly, I didn’t do much in the fandom except check the SA thread until Act 5 came around.

CHEL: I don’t think I got into it until Act 6 - I remember the first time I got further than a few pages in I gave up when the Alpha kids got introduced because it was way too complicated.

As for my thoughts on the act, well… Before, I was able to more or less chalk up the racist/sexist/fatphobic/homophobic remarks as being from the characters’ mouths (they are, after all, twelve to thirteen years old) and not the author’s, but they don’t really get called out by the narrative and Hussie has sufficiently drained my goodwill that I have to complain, and I suspect after recent events that it actually was him speaking there, if you get my meaning. Most of the dialogue is still as sweet and funny as I remember it being but those bits really taint it. Hypothetical rewrite would definitely remove those.

I’m in two minds about keeping Dave’s hurricane of euphemisms to AT for said hypothetical rewrite; on one hand, considering his home situation, it’s worrying, but on the other the whole point of the joke is to make AT uncomfortable and it’s hard to do that without making comments that would also make the reader uncomfortable. Maybe if Dave’s home life was adjusted a bit the reader would be more easily able to assume he just picked them up from Urban Dictionary.

Speaking of Dave, his storyline here is where we really start to see a thing which is a recurring problem with the comic. Namely, reliance on theme and symbolism over what is actually happening. If Hussie was indeed trying from the beginning to portray Dave’s situation as serious abuse, then he shouldn’t have chosen to represent said abuse with ridiculous cartoon physics while literally portraying Dave as unharmed onscreen. Dave’s behaviour does hint at some issues, but they’re easy to pass off as related to other things, and swords so sharp they cause printed pictures to change are not most readers’ first assumption for the cause.

Other than those, though, I think we’re still mostly fine; none of the problems are problems with the underlying structure of the story, so it wouldn’t require a huge retooling. That state of affairs will continue on for another couple of acts, but when it fails, it fails.

COUNTS ALL THE LUCK: 0 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 13 CALL CPA PLEASE: 7 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 14 GET ON WITH IT!: 13 GORE GALORE: 0 HOW NOT TO WRITE A WEBCOMIC: 14 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 6 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 0 RELATIONSHIP GOALS?: 1 SEND THEM TO THE SLAMMER: 0 SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS: 0 WHAT IS HAPPENING??: 2 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 9 TOTAL: 79

#homestuck #Homespork #homestuck review #homestuck meta #homestuck reread #let's read homestuck

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raindrops-on-the-roof · 5 years ago

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major fanfic progress update! please check here for updates on ALL wips!

hey everyone! this may be a bit of a long one, so i’ll post the tl;dr here and then continue on under the cut! these are all as of the 28th of May 2020!

posted: it's nothing: currently completed. if there's more carmen/gray content in the next season you betcha I'm gonna update it though! hash for updates: its nothing

here is something to believe in: on temporary hiatus while I work out where I want the direction of the plot to go. i try to post progress with the hash: histbi

unposted: red threads, golden chains: Phoenix Wright! a wrightworth-centric eight-chapter analysis of the original game (with artistic liberty involved, of course!). hash: red threads golden chains

You can lead a horse to Water: Fire Emblem: Three houses! a half-finished claudeleth drabble focusing on Byleth's thoughts of Garreg Mach. not sure how far it'll extend yet; we'll see. hash on tumblr: horse to water

Jump into the Fog: Overwatch! a multichap Symmrat fanfic based around the overwatch recall (cause there isn't enough of those!). title is shamelessly stolen from The Wombats and the legendary vargrimar and nezkah. hash for this: jitf!

more information on all of these under the cut!

Extended version!

it’s nothing: currently completed at about 8k words! i originally intended to leave it open ended at chp 3 for next season (which is confirmed!! hooray!!) but I eventually succumbed to y'all asking for more haha. not sure the direction i would take other than that though, and i feel like the ending suits the rush of it!

here is something to believe in: on temporary hiatus at around 30k words! i know this is disappointing to a lot of you but i honestly wrote most of those words in a spur of inspiration without any thought as to how it would work lmao. i need some time to work out what the plot will be so that my writing has direction and you guys aren’t left disappointed. the other thing is that chapters are currently spanning a half day at a time and i cannot continue that considering the game spans several years! so i need to plan that out too. would appreciate any advice/assistance! i’m also still looking for anyone interested in betaing it! please pm me if you are :D

red threads, golden chains: currently sitting in my doc at about 20k words. i started this fic almost a year ago as a guilty pleasure during my last year at school (which is mostly why it didn’t get finished) but it is almost completed! i think only another 5k words max before it’s edited and posted which is super exciting! it’s likely going to be about eight chapters, posted weekly. keep an eye on the hash for updates! here is a taster (i haven’t written the description yet lmao):

“Edgeworth glares at him again and Phoenix remembers when they were on the same side. He supposes that it had never been intentional to chase Edgeworth, but that was just how things ended up: he doesn’t think he’s thankful for Dahlia, exactly, but almost certainly without her he never would’ve met Mia the way he did.

The more he thinks about it, the more he thanks his lucky stars that he fell into her lap and reconsidered that day - the day Miles defended him in class and seared himself into Phoenix’s memory. From that day, Miles showed him he wasn’t and never would be alone.

Until the incident, of course.

He left, and never explained why. He left Phoenix behind, and though that view is childish and he knows it, he can’t help but feel the cold space he left behind, tugging at his very being for years and years.”

look forward to it!

You can lead a horse to Water: it’s a oneshot; currently about a quarter done at around 1.5k. Claudeleth/Bylaude is probably in my top fire emblem ships so i just HAD to write something for it after the feels of this fic and ESPECIALLY this fic! the stunning poetry inspired me so much; just read these lines: ‘He wonders in-between breaths “If she could see me now, would she hate me?”.

Yet what he says is “If I need to shut up, then make me.”

And what he thinks is “If this is a nightmare, then wake me.”’ SPECTACULAR! unfortunately the fic is orphaned, but still, please go read it!

songs such as Charlie by Mallrat and Apricot Princess by Rex Orange County also inspired this! no clue when it’ll be up, but i’m not letting go of it. here’s a taste:

“The first time Byleth saw Claude, it was like something clicked.

Not visibly and hardly mentally, of course - but in her heart, despite its determination not to beat, something almost shifted, like it realised its perpetual emotionless state was unsustainable and impossible against his charming smiles.

Except, his smiles weren’t charming; they were razor-sharp, pointy and pointed, and it would take a long time before that changed, unfortunately.”

watch this space for more updates!

Jump into the Fog: the plans are currently at about 6k lmao! i am very excited for this fic cause it’ll be my first fully planned one! i have the overarching plot and all the characters planned out (everyone will be there, even Echo!) and am just writing the seperate character arc plots and finishing up the ideas for individual missions and such! here is the summary:

“Through no fault of her own, Symmetra finds out of Vishkar’s wrongdoing. Not knowing who to trust and having nowhere to go, she follows the last person on Earth she wanted to see to somewhere that can help her; Overwatch.

His health quickly deteriorating, Junkrat resigns himself to his shortened lifespan and decides to go out with a bang. Recalling a doctor who saved countless lives from his youth, Roadhog doesn’t take that lying down, and the ensuing hunt places them at Overwatch’s door.”

timeline placement: takes past after two weeks after the Paris mission shown in the Overwatch two release video. easy to assume after the events of the Christmas of year one of the recall. Baptiste’s betrayal of Talon brought a year earlier. Junkrat and Roadhog in Australia for Christmas, Lucio’s record released after Vishkar left Rio in November of that year. hence, this takes place in early Jan.

at the moment the planned ships are 100% symmrat, gency and bunnyribbit, and am considering the rest of the characters’ ships. i am also trying to make it as scientifically viable as possible! no cheesing here, i did my research into radiation poisioning lmao. Satya actually gets her friend *cough* Baptiste *cough* to disconnect her arm as she flees from Vishkar! the people present at the Overwatch base when they arrive (a week between them) are the people shown in Zero Hour, minus Genji (which will be explained!)

I’m SO excited for this fic, but I have no idea when it will be ready to post lol. I will likely try to finish other things before starting writing it (namely horse to water and red threads, golden chains and maybe even histbi), so the plans may sit dormant for some time. will be putting out a call for betas when i start writing!

thank you for reading, everyone! stay safe out there!

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chilly-territory · 6 years ago

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K Case Files of Blue 2, chapter 3 (part 3 out of 3)

I’ve finally remembered about this one, hooray!

Case Files of Blue 2 by Miyazawa Tatsuki

Chapter 3 (part 3/3) (volume 2, pages 168-196)

† The headquarters brimmed with activity. When Akiyama and Benzai were walking along the hallway, briskly marching ordinary troops passed them by. They had been sent off to different regions on Benzai's orders, and now, as the respective situations in them were finding their resolution, the operatives, too, had started to come back one by one.

"...The Coin Toss theory, huh. Its power certainly is fearsome," murmured Akiyama, and Benzai nodded. "Not only was it used to scatter all those strains across different regions, but the false charges against you were apprently fabricated via its application, as well."

Akiyama's face turned miserable. "But why did they have to choose to falsely accuse me of molesting, of all things? I'm sure there were plenty of other methods if they wanted to put me out of commission."

If he absolutely had to be entrapped by the enemy, he would have much preferred to be abandoned on an uninhabited island like Fuse, or sent on a trip through various regions unable to return like Benzai - those kinds of pretexts, in any case. Sure, his innocence had been proven and he was able to come back, but there was no small chance that he would've been finished socially had something gone slightly wrong. That's what he'd become firmly convinced of after hearing about everyone else's respective situations from Benzai.

"Captain said Kounomura was going to make the truth come to light eventually in any case though, but..."

Akiyama nodded to Benzai's words. Strangely enough, he could believe it. Kounomura had no wish to make anyone miserable through his actions, Akiyama was sure. And their adversary had definitely made sure to prepare more than a few safety nets to that end.

"Well," said Benzai calmly, "it's just probably that he thought that against a guy who is too serious for his own good like you, this kind of ploy would be the most effective, you know?"

Akiyama's expression turned bitter. Indeed, even if it was no more than a ploy, he had to admit that Kounomura had succeeded with flying colors. His approach had really proven exceptionally effective.

"And there's another thing." Benzai gazed at Akiyama's profile. "As a result of catching the real culprit, the girl who handed you over to the police has come forward saying she wants to apologize to you for mistaking you for a groper. What will you do?" "..." Akiyama was in thought for a while, before replying: "There is no need. That girl is just another victim. And since I doubted the authenticity of her claim about groping to begin with, I still have a lot to learn, myself. The reason for what had happened was my ineptitude, and that girl is not to blame for anything."

That attitude, manifesting in him being able to declare such a thing without batting an eye, could be seen as truly manly, but at the same time it could also be called bigoted. Either way, it was just like Akiyama. Benzai found himself smiling at that.

Akiyama continued. "Besides, no matter what people said, I knew no one at Scepter 4 doubted my innocence. And that's more than enough, I'd say, no, Benzai?" "Yeah. Yeah, you're right." Benzai looked away. For some reason, he felt sorry for Akiyama that it was hard to look him in the eye. "Hm? What's wrong, Benzai?"

But before Akiyama could press him about it, there came a welcome interruption in the form of the bright voice of an office clerk Yoshino Yayoi who stood in front of the Captain's office.

"Oh, Akiyama-san! It's so great that the false charges against you have been dropped! Congratulations!" "Yes, thank you." Akiyama smiled.

With that, Akiyama and Benzai accompanied by Yoshino all pushed through the open door to Munakata's office.

Inside, there already were the members of the special ops squad, including Fushimi, Fuse, Doumyouji, Enomoto and Hidaka, along with some ordinary troops, people from accounting, general affairs, and even Zenjou Gouki from the archive room, which was a rare sight.

The Captain's normally fairly spacious office was now packed with people in blue uniforms. And in the center of that mass, Munakata Reishi himself was seated. Chin on his joined hands, he was smiling with a composed smile.

When Akiyama and his companions who'd just made it through the door caught his attention, he announced, "...With this, we have more or less everyone essential present. I apologize for my recent absence." He rose. "Also," looking at Akiyama, he smiled, "Welcome back, Akiyama-kun."

Akiyama gave his king a sincere bow. "I apologize for causing you trouble, sir."

Munakata dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "No need. You are not to blame. The blame is mostly on me, for letting myself be led astray with Kounomura-shi's illusions."

He strode forward to stand in front of his table and cast an eye around to take in all the present.

"That, however, is no longer an issue. Ladies and gentlemen," joining his hands behind his back, Munakata declared, "from this moment onward, Scepter 4 will work towards arresting Kounomura-shi. We're going to teach that good sir who has been amusing himself with games entirely unbecoming of his age and status a lesson. No objection, I trust?"

Noises of approval filled the room. Among the agreeing faces, there was one that didn't look enthusiastic in the slightest, and that was Fushimi's, who then raised his hand.

"...So, Captain, I take it you've figured out where Kounomura is hiding right now?" "No, I have not yet," Munakata confessed flatly. "But," he continued, "in another 24 hours I will because I have extracted enough source information from the routes you had brought me." 'Oh, that,' Fushimi nodded, seemingly satisfied, but the rest could only feel perplexion at that reply.

Munakata beamed. "First, let me explain certain things. To trap us, Kounomura-shi used a strain who could read people's minds and through him, thoroughly analyzed our psychology. Isn't that right, Fushimi-kun?" "Yes." In contrast to his usual fed-up face, Fushimi's report that followed was exhaustively accurate. "Marumoto Keiji, 21, an aspiring photographer and a strain with the ability to read minds through the lens of his camera. Although my efforts to that end are temporarily suspended at the moment, I'm pursuing him - that sickening shit-eating asswipe!" he must have recalled something unpleasant because he slammed the fist of one hand on the palm of his other with a resounding bang.

Munakata, utterly unperturbed by Fushimi's outburst, thanked him for the information. "Thank you, Fushimi-kun. A strain capable of reading minds. Although lacking an immediate offensive ability, he proves quite a hassle when antagonized." Fushimi clicked his tongue especially loudly at that and turned away.

"Fushimi-san looks royally pissed off, no?" "Did something happen between him and that strain, I wonder?" Enomoto and Fuse whispered between themselves, but when Fushimi glared daggers at them, they held their tongues.

Meanwhile, Munakata continued. "That Marumoto character is not the only such opponent. Kounomura-shi had employed even more astonishing means to accumulate the psychological data on us and cause malfunctions in our headquarters' systems. I assume you have already heard about it. He had dispatched a strain with a perception manipulation ability to infiltrate us and had him masquerade as Gotou-kun."

A turmoil rose among the present. Someone who they thought was their collegue was, in fact, a brazen impostor. They couldn't hide how shocking it still felt.

"Captain." Fuse raised his hand. "If that's the case, then where was the real Gotou all this time? Is he okay?" The last sentence sounded tinged with worry. Munakata slowly shifted his gaze from Fuse to Hidaka. "Hidaka-kun. As I recall, you are currently in change of that man's interrogation, are you not? Does he know anything about Gotou-kun?" "Uh, well..." Being the focus of everyone's attention made Hidaka feel a little uncomfortable, but he braved on, "Yes, he speculates that Gotou might be held prisoner in the same facility as Lieutenant Awashima. He also stated that measures had been taken to ensure Gotou's safety."

Fuse nodded. "Well, yeah, considering how they've been going about it until now, it must be true. It was the same when I was stranded on that deserted island, too... But still... That freak was among us for quite a long time now, yes? Yet we all were none the wiser... Damn!" His voice dripped with self-condemnation and frustration.

Munakata's next utterance was put in no uncertain terms. "That is exactly what is so terrifying about strains with perception manipulation abilities. They influence and confuse the brain directly. If you know about the existence of such a strain around you, you might have a chance to break the illusion, but when you don't, you lack any means to resist from the start." "Umm, may I add something, sir?" Hidaka spoke up after raising his hand. "It's something else that guy said. Apparently, he'd avoided running into you as best as he could because there was a high chance you'd discover his identity. Supposing he still had to see you, it was only allowed after the situation was under Kounomura's tight control, as per his plan." "I see." Munakata stroked his chin. "How prudent of him." "Also, as to why Gotou was chosen as the target for the switch on Kounomura's orders. According to Kounomura's comprehensive analysis of the special ops squad, among all the members Gotou was the one most likely to notice tiny changes, that's why it was him that guy'd switched with." "Hmph, reasonable judgement." Hidaka's words made Munakata smile. Many of the troops gathered there nodded in agreement.

Indeed, it rang true. Gotou Ren was a strange guy, to be sure, but he also had a certain keenness and discerning sensitivity about him. A sort of intuitive something that went beyond Akiyama's dependability or Fushimi's brilliant brains.

"Still, we've got to give credit where it's due for the job well done. To think that someone would actually succeed in impersonating a member of the special ops squad right in the middle of Scepter 4... Naturally, it was only possible due to the extensive research on us done beforehand, but the person who managed to pull off something as nigh impossible as this must be quite capable in his own right regardless." "That's true. It seems he's a former police officer himself. That said, there are a few things he turned out to be surprisingly careless about."

Having said all that, Hidaka suddenly remembered himself and fell silent. He had noticed he had touched upon a mildly offensive topic, but was left no route to backpedal and just pretend nothing had happened. All the gazes were focused on him now, and what's more, Munakata himself looked highly interested, even leaning forward a little.

"Erm, well, to explain... you see, we manage something called "Archive E" jointly..."

Enomoto squeezed his head between the hands he put on his cheeks, his face silently but eloquently begging Hidaka to stop, though it really couldn't be helped. After all, it had to do with the case in question. They had a duty to provide all the information they could.

"He apparently misunderstood, thinking "Archive E" is some sort of treasure-chest of classified documents, so he raided the storage site to steal it."

In the end, having learned that that abbreviation stood for something as trivial as "erotic", he flew into rage and disposed of it right in the back yard. That was the cause behind the mysterious disappearance of the erotic book archive that everyone pitched in to collect.

Now that the truth was out in the open, it really was quite silly. For that reason, half of those who happened to be present to hear it wore fed-up expressions on their faces, while the other half snickered despite themselves. In particular, Yoshino Yayoi's half-lidded coldly-looking eyes bore into Hidaka. Who, in turn, was so ashamed he wished for a hole to crawl into. The other members with a connection to "Archive E" were no better, all looking quite uncomfortable, too.

"Hidaka-kun." Munakata suddenly called out to his subordinate with a serious face. "Y-yes, sir?" Hidaka was stiff as a board. "Show me that archive of yours some time." Raising his thumb up, Munakata showed his pearly whites in a grin. "Certainly, sir! Any time!" responded Hidaka eagerly. What a blessing it was to have an understanding superior.

It took Zenjou casually clearing his throat to put the discussion that went off on a tangent, back on track.

Munakata resumed his explanation. "In short, thanks to the spy in question and the aspiring photographer in the person of Marumoto-kun, intelligence on us was gathered and our activities disrupted, while Kounomura-shi analyzed our actions, set traps and nearly paralyzed our work. It's said the world is big, but I suspect this personage might be the only one on the whole globe who could manage a feat of this magnitude." He nodded to himself. "However, like I said a minute ago, now it's our turn. The day after tomorrow we're going to raid the place where this good sir is hiding and apprehend him. And then lecture him with all sternness not to do anything like this ever again."

Under the bombardment of everyone's gazes, Munakata added: "Well, in truth, finding the legal basis for punishing Kounomura-shi presents a slight problem. However, judging from that good sir's personality, I believe defeating him at his own game should prove enough to dissuade him from interfering with us ever again. With that in mind, I would like you to get ready, ladies and gentlemen." "Captain, sir, may I ask a question?" It was Enomoto who timidly raised his hand. "We've been searching high and low all this time, trying to locate Kounomura. Despite that, we couldn't find a single clue to his whereabouts. So my question is, how are you going to pin it down, sir?" "Oh, it's easy." Munakata declared nonchalantly. "We shall simply do what he did and apply the Coin Toss theory, too."

That caused a buzz of agitation to run through the crowd. Fushimi folded his arms and shut his eyes.

"I pulled a few strings and borrowed a super computer that's currently in the process of analyzing Kounomura-shi's activity. We are lucky that he is a celebrity. There is a veritable mountain of data on him in newspapers and magazines that could serve as clues, and there is also an archive of our contacts with him to date. With all of that as the base, we will have an answer in 24 hours."

Most of the present stood there in blank amazement.

"Excuse me, sir," said Benzai. "This is something I've asked before, but it still bothers me. Captain, when exactly did you have an opportunity to familiarize yourself with that theory in detail? I would think the particulars are top secret business information for the Coin Toss company..."

Munakata shook his head slightly. "As a matter of fact, that theory is so complex that even experts in life science mathematics and chaos theory find it difficult to comprehend, so it is out of question for a layman like myself to achieve an understanding of it. Only..." he paused, "I have commissioned an experimental program that applies it solely in the field of pinning down a person's whereabouts." "Commissioned? Whom, sir?" Akiyama tilted his head to the side a little. "America. At present, the FBI is researching and developing an analytical program applying the Coin Toss theory that's limited strictly to criminal investigation. For that reason, technically it's not the same "Coin Toss" as Kounomura-shi used." "Oh!" Akiyama exclaimed before he could check himself and whirled to Fushimi.

Fushimi stood there with an unruffled air and firmly shut eyes.

"That's right," Munakata said. "It was one of the gifts that Fushimi-kun brought back from his business trip, short though it was." Fushimi opened his eyes and let out a sigh. "You gotta take into account that I had to supply them with all sorts of intelligence in return, so it's not really a gift. Besides, the case in point aside, this theory ain't really ready for practical application yet." "What do you mean by that, Fushimi-san?"

It was Munakata who answered Akiyama's question in Fushimi's place. "To start off, terrible cost-effectiveness is the most glaring issue. Obviously, there exist very few supercomputers that could perform such an analysis, nevermind that running it takes a whole day and costs 10 million yen. What's more, trouble pertaining to collecting enough data for such an analysis to even become possible is nothing to make light of. With the above in mind, the tried and tested approach of simply assembling enough man power to handle the task is a better and faster alternative. This time it's a viable option only because we're dealing with a personage as unique as Kounomura-shi, and because the expenses allotted to us in order to catch him are almost unrestricted." "I see," Akiyama nodded deeply.

But Benzai posed yet another question. "But you did manage to catch Tamada, didn't you, sir?" "As the officer who was in pursuit of him, I assume you already know it, but by nature, he's an anarchist and an aspiring artist. You may not tell it at a glance, but he has revealed quite a bit of information about himself through his blog, publications in fanzines, poetry anthologies and such. Furthermore, he had received psychological counseling several times during the reign of the previous Blue King. There are not many criminals with a track record like that though, wouldn't you say?" "No, I suppose not," Benzai replied thoughtfully.

Speaking of, said Tamada, perhaps having embraced Munakata's mysterious aura, swore to turn over a new leaf after serving his prison time. Apparently, once he got out, in order to get employment at Scepter 4, he was intent on sitting for their exam.

"So in short, we're finally gonna do battle with them, right?" Doumyouji chimed in loudly. The reason why he'd kept silent until then was due the lack of sleep he'd been suffering from lately. "Alright! Can't wait!"

For some time now, he'd been forced to do work that contributed greatly toward building his frustrations. And now, at last, his moment to shine was coming.

"But is it really okay?" Akiyama wondered worriedly. "The opponents have a task force consisting of a fair number of strains, no doubt. And one of them in particular, that man named Nakamura Gouki, is apparently skilled enough to give even the Lieutenant a hard time in a fight. Naturally, if you make your appearance, Captain, we're not likely to have much unforeseen trouble to worry about, but in case it does come down to, say, street fighting, some collateral damage might be unavoidable." "Oh, that shouldn't be an issue," Munakata denied resolutely. "I'm quite positive Kounomura-shi only surrounded himself with strains that could be deemed combat-ready troops, like Nakamura Gouki." "Huh?" came the collective noise of puzzlement. Even Fushimi frowned his brows, dubious. "What do you mean, Captain?" asked Akiyama playing the crowd's representative. "Well," Munakata started, "allow me to ask you a question in return. Akiyama-kun. What makes you think Kounomura-shi has a strain task force at his disposal?" "Uh, well..." Akiyama momentarily stopped to think. "Seeing as they took over our duties, even if it was only temporary, they must have a number of people to---" "That was only deception." Not waiting for Akiyama to finish, Munakata interrupted him. "We fell under a certain preconception. Since we are well aware that the job we do on a regular basis is by no means easy, we tend to think that in order for someone else to accomplish it, they'd have to have about the same number of equally skilled people. But as it turns out, that is not necessarily true."

In a sense, it was a statement that utterly denied the very essence of Scepter 4's work. And it was no wonder that those who'd heard it couldn't help being doubtful in its wake. Even Zenjou stared at Munakata in astonishment, like he was seeing him for the first time.

Munakata waved his hand cheerfully. "Oh no, please don't get the wrong idea. I did not mean to disparage our work, I assure you. What I'm saying is the issue to consider is the underhandedness of some of those on the side of justice."

For the majority of the present, those words didn't hit home, but the expressions of Fushimi and Zenjou changed to reflect their understanding, the same as if they'd have said "Oh" or "I see".

Munakata went on. "What in our job is of the utmost importance, in your opinion? Let's see..." Without warning, he pointed at Doumyouji. "What do you think, Doumyouji-kun?" "Erm, the most important part of our job, huh?" Doumyouji looked troubled. "Aw, shucks. Hmm, what might it be? Maybe upholding justice?" "And what is necessary for that end? On what do we spend the bigger part of our time and effort?" "We, uh, maintain public order, catch bad guys... and ummm, sow the good, I guess?"

At that vague answer, those around couldn't help wry smiles raising on their lips along with a warm feeling in their chests, while Munakata shook his head in no uncertain way. "No, that's not it. Unfortunately, you are wrong." In reply to the baffled looks on his subordinates' faces, Munakata elaborated. "The hardest part of our work, requiring the most effort, is to deal with each and every thing in a law-abiding way. This is what unfailingly presents a challenge to us."

Akiyama's mouth formed an "Ah" when he heard that. "...I see. That's what it's about," he was heard muttering under his breath.

Munakata continued his explanation. "In other words, if we were to set out to catch wrongdoers, foregoing the formalities and simply doing what it takes to get the job done, like Superman or Batman, there wouldn't a need for a large scale organization like ours to start with. Coordinating with the police, finding a working balance with the court, negotiating with local residents - it is on those tasks that we spend most of our time, wouldn't you say?"

Doumyouji was still making a face that said he didn't get it.

"When Superman or Batman handle a case, they don't bother going to the courthouse to complete the official procedure, neither do they work on a loan to the police. They don't have to obtain a formal approval from anyone or calculate their exact expenses and fulfill corresponding paperwork. You never see them drawing up reports that have to be submitted to the superior or filing documents pertaining to an investigation, do you?"

With Munakata's elaboration, Doumyouji's face brightened. Seeing as he always endured hellish suffering when it came to his paperwork, to him, that explained everything.

"If I were to put it as bluntly as I can," Munakata added, "simply catching criminals by using illegal means like Kounomura-shi did, such as hacking security cameras or obtaining intelligence through spies, is not really a job especially difficult to do. And that is why I said what I did earlier: from our perspective, the heroes of justice are quite underhanded." "But, in that case," Fuse sounded very frustrated, "wouldn't guys like them always have an edge on us when it comes to accomplishing something? Making us who earnestly jump through the hoops look like fools?"

Munakata didn't wait for him to finish, talking over him. "We have the greater cause to defend. They don't. That's the difference, Fuse-kun." His tone was soft, but at the heart of it was steel-like strength. "And that is precisely why I always say whenever the occasions arises that "our cause is pure". Isn't that right, Fuse-kun?" Fuse was in thought for some time. "Indeed. That's right. We and them have different goals. Now I see," he murmured soon after as if letting the thought sink in deeply into his being.

Munakata gazed at Fuse warmly for a while, then stated, "Everything was but an illusion cast by the schemer extraordinaire Kounomura-shi. Having only a small number of allies makes it easy for him to transfer hideouts, while also minimizing the risk of an information leak. As an added bonus, it certainly helped confuse us and lead us astray. Meanwhile, the actual work was done by Nakamura Gouki and but a few of our adevrsary's most trusted confidants, I assume." "But Captain," Hidaka voiced, "the strains that've been captured all attest it was multiple people that did it?" Munakata's answer was immediate. "And what is the ability of the person you are presently in charge of questioning?" After a moment of vacant silence, Hidaka's eyes went wide. "I see!"

Munakata nodded. "That's right. He made the number of captors appear more than it actually was - every time when a crime committing strain was seized, at that. As a result it looked like there was a whole multi-person force moving at the scene. Let me reiterate: what they were doing looked the same as our work only on the surface, and that is the sole reason why it was even possible. Everything was no more than an illusion created with figurative smoke and mirrors."

For a while, everyone present seemed to be absorbed in his or her own pensive thoughts on the issue.

Watching them with a smile, Munakata commented. "Eventually, we will pin down where our adversaries are hiding. And every false image they have shown us will also come to light." When he continued it was with glee that almost gave one the creeps. "It's finally time to put our opponents in checkmate. Kounomura-shi is already as good as stark-naked before us."

It was then that Zenjou, who kept his silence until now, raised his only hand. "There is one thing that bothers me though." "What might it be, Zenjou-san?" Munakata inquired, unperturbed as ever even at something as uncommon as Zenjou speaking up. "At present, we still have several missing people, starting with Awashima Seri, who have yet to come back. And I think we can't disregard the possibility of them being used as hostages come the worst case scenario."

His words made Munakata fall silent for a while - for the first time today. But then, the Blue King declared: "...I believe Awashima-kun and the others will be back with us soon enough, each having overcome their respective obstacles."

Zenjou's eyes narrowed sharply. "All according to your plan, that included, then?" Munakata shook his head slowly. "No, it is not," he said pensively. "If I had to find a word for it," he smiled, "it would probably be 'faith'."

†

About 2 days before Scepter 4's meeting took place, Gotou Ren, whose place the impostor had taken to infiltrate Scepter 4, was on the sea more than 600km away from Japan. Next to him, a bullet ricocheted with a metallic ching.

"!@#$%^&*(!"

Next, yells in a language he couldn't quite determine could be heard. Which, in turn, was followed by demands to surrender in some broken Japanese with English mixed in.

"Anata no, okasan, naitemasu." //T/N: equivalent to something like "Ur mama cry" Gotou sighted, muttering in a light tone, "My, my, what a pickle."

English wasn't his forte. Due to the fact, he bet on body language as his chosen means to make his resistance apparent.

He stuck his head out a little from the catwalk. "Hey. Me, go back, Japan. Don't jama shinaide!" //T/N: "Don't stand in my way"

With that, he hoisted one middle finger up high in the air. A moment later, he got a response.

"FU*K!" It was accompanied by the sweeping fire from a machine gun.

Gotou panicked, getting on all fours and crawling to hide behind an iron pole. There, he grumbled again in a voice, still lacking any urgency, seemingly oblivious to what unmistakably was a provocation on his part, "My, my, that's why quick tempered foreigners are such a pain."

Presently, he was aboard an enormous ship, the Nefertiti. The overall length of it was 175 meters, with the width being 25 meters. The total displacement tonnage measured at 8900 tons. The highest speed it could achieve clocked at 23 knots, with its crew counting 130 members. It was an imposing military transport vessel capable of transporting 2 helicopters, 30 large trucks and 25 tanks.

Its owner was a private military company called 'SPT' - a multinational enterprise that, among other fields, also engaged in paramilitary activities regulated by a treaty signed in Toronto by 24 countries. A so called Mars-Mercury agreement was enacted between the USA and the EU and designed to keep Japan's economic growth in check. To counter that, in the last 20 years or so, international laws had been developed allowing active operation for a number of private paramilitary companies, with Japan playing a central role.

And this was what Kounomura Zen'ichi resorted to when booking the vessel in question and its crew for the period of 1 month as a private individual. The mission he gave the crew was to reliably keep Gotou Ren away from Japan. He'd certainly gone out of his way to arrange for a military ship just to keep Gotou under house arrest and strict supervision, and then, to be doubly sure, even make said ship put a considerable amount of distance between itself and the mainland Japan. All of which exhaustively proved the utter importance Kounomura attached to Gotou Ren's custody as one of the keys for the success of his plan.

Incidentally, said Gotou Ren was currently on the run from the armed guard units after having broken out of the prison designed exclusively for him by escaping through a door 1 meter thick and locked with an electromagnetic lock that required multiple passwords and a fingerprint of the supervisor to open.

At first, his jailers were quite amicable, but after Gotou punched their platoon leader's lights out, blew up sewer pipes, made three or so of them take a plunge into a septic tank, and two more wallow in wheat flour, their rage had reached the boiling point. Calmly carrying out such acts with a disinterested air about him was what it meant to be Gotou Ren.

The way he went about his breakout was also unusual. For about 2 weeks, he did nothing at all. He seemed perfectly content to just sleep, play smart phone games on the phone supplied to him as a present or paint pictures in isolation, making even his jailers question with concern if he'd even understood his current situation. Still, they had directions from Kounomura to let him spend his time as pleasantly as possible under the circumstances.

Only, Gotou wasn't doing all of the above without a reason. Those drowsy eyes of his kept meticulously watching and observing. And, having found a blind spot, a momentary opening in his guards' defenses, he attacked it and freed himself. And just now, he wasn't just randomly angering his guards. He used their reactions to deduce where on this ship were the most crucial areas.

In the process of running around from his pursuers, he'd arrived at the ship's vast hold.

"Huh?" With his pursuers closing in on him from behind, Gotou leisurely inclined his head. "This is strange. I thought this should be the engine room or something equally important." He ran while compiling a map of the ship in his head, but it seemed he went wrong somewhere. "Mn, I still have a lot to improve on, I guess."

Not sounding especially regretful, Gotou approached a strange cube placed isolatedly in the middle of the hold. He found himself oddly curious about it.

"...I wonder what is this?"

It was then...

"Haaaah!"

...that a tremendously loud scream had issued from inside the construct, making Gotou instinctively take a step back. He had a feeling he might have heard that voice somewhere before.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

This time the war cry managed to pack even more fierceness; cracks, one after another, started running across the surface of the cube as a result, and then...

"Phew, finally it breaks."

...Awashima slipped out of it, twisting her body to fit in through a slender crack. For some reason, she was dressed in a scarlet dress.

"..." "..." For a while, Awashima and Gotou simply stared at one another.

"Why are you here, Gotou?!" Awashima broke the silence first. "...I could ask you the same, ma'am. No, actually, I'm more interested in asking you why you're decked out like that. Lieutenant, are you getting ready for a wedding or what?" "D-Don't be absurd! It's just this was the only piece of clothing provided to me."

Both of them looked mightily confused, but the moment their ears caught the sound of Gotou's pursuers' footsteps from the passage he'd taken to get here, the two donned composed faces.

Gotou briefly outlined his circumstances to Awashima. In short, having taken him prisoner, the chances were the ship was now a long ways off from Japan. Awashima was quick to get a grasp on the situation, and even quicker to make a decision.

"Understood," she said as if it was the most trivial thing in the world. "Let's commandeer this ship."

That took even Gotou by slight surprise. "...We'd be up against more than 50 armed soldiers though?" "Oh?" Awashima smiled charmingly, working on rolling up the sleeves and shortening the hem of her dress to make it easy to move in. "Does that really count as 'many'? You and I are both the Blue King's clansmen, don't forget." "I see." Gotou had found his resolve. Smiling without a trace of tension, he added, "Seems like an appropriate number in that case." "True." Awashima fixed her gaze on the entrance from which the soldiers were likely to appear. "We've got to go back to the Captain's side as quickly as possible, and to that end, every second counts. I have no doubt he's waiting for our return even as we speak."

Gotou nodded in agreement, cracking his fingers.

It was 4 hours later that the ship made a sharp U-turn and started heading back to the far away Japan it had previously departed from.

#k project #project k #k case files of blue #k translation

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art-of-pilo · 5 years ago

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The Ancient (underrated) Art of Fixing Holey Socks

Socks! They get holes! Its terrible! I, for one, never buy expensive socks because I know they'll eventually have to be thrown out. Until now.

I have rediscovered an ancient craft called darning, a practice where you patch a hole by using thread to weave a patch directly in the fabric. It sounds a bit daunting, but it's actually relatively quick (half hour for a medium sized hole) and really easy!

One of the best things about darning is that you can be as messy as you want and still have a perfectly functional patch. I've just started, and I'm not particularly good at it, but it doesn't matter! As long as you've got the patience to darn, you can do a darned good job. (I'm so sorry, I had to)

One of the other best things about darning is that you won't have to buy new socks, so its a relaxing, stay-at-home way to subvert capitalism. Hooray!

The Tools:

A needle (the longer the better)

Thread (the thicker the better — but not yarn)

Needle threader (in case you're using thicker thread)

Scissors

A darning egg (alt: a foot-shaped rock, a small maraca, etc)

A sock with a hole

I'll get deeper into the tools a little further down, because there are types of thread and needles that make for a better job. But before that I'll explain how this works.

The Method:

You can darn small holes, large holes, or fabric thats simply worn thin. Either way, the technique is mostly the same. As I said before, your goal is to weave a patch out of thread directly in your fabric, covering your hole or thin spot to reinforce, patch, and make sure it doesn't get any worse. The pattern looks something like this:

Looks like a lot of work? Don't worry, there's a trick! Darning uses a running stitch which is just a bunch of stitches in a straght line. This is super convenient because that means you can load a bunch of stitches on your needle all at once. It take a little bit of practice, but its a shallow learning curve. Observe:

While you're working, you might run out of thread prematurely. When you do, don't tie off any knots! You know how annoying it is to have a tiny pebble in your shoe? Well, thats what a knot tied on the bottom of your sock would feel like. Instead, we just let the ends of the thread hang. You can cut the end short and it'll be fine, because a running stitch like this actually IS a finishing technique in itself. Nice! So, when your thread runs out and you need to switch in a new piece, don't tie them together or anything, just let the ends hang out and all will be well.

The last important thing is to always use a darning egg or something smilar! A darning egg is essentially just a piece of wood with a handle that has similar curves to an actual foot. You put it inside the sock while you're working on it so it holds its form. I don't have one yet, so I've been using a fist-sized rock I had laying around that seems to do the job pretty well.

This is an essential part of the process for two reasons. 1, you don't want to accidentally sew through both sides of the sock or stab yourself. 2, its very important to stretch the sock as you go. If your darned patch is tight, your sock will lose its stretch and might not fit your foot!

Here are some pictures of a sock where I used the pattern I drew above:

And the final product! What a sock!

More details about the thread and needles:

Your Thread

During my first go with darning, I used some all-purpose thread I had lying around. It certainly worked, but it lacked cushiness and softness. I went supply hunting last week and asked an employee about darning thread and darning needles. She told me they don't sell them anymore because nobody darns. Hmmm. I got some good advice anyway, though!

I ended up taking home two types of thread:

Pearl cotton thread, size 8 (yellow, pictured above)

Embroidery floss (pink, pictured above)

They are both a little bit thicker than you might imagine for sewing into fabric, but they are soft and cushy and work great.

I use the pearl cotton thread over the entire area, since its slightly thinner than the embroidery floss.

I was much more sparing with the embroidery floss, and used it specifically inside the actual holes. It was really useful because, as you can see, I'm not doing the tightest rows in the world here. When I sew over a completely bare hole, there are small gaps left, and thats where the embroidery floss comes in. After doing my first pass in yellow, I went back over the hole itself in the pink embroidery floss, which resulted in a colorful and effective patch that matched the thickness of the rest of the sock.

Your Needle

If you hang out in your local craft store for a while, you will notice that there are about 1 billion types of needles that exist, so I asked for help with this, too. They didn't have a classic darning needle, but my helpful new friend directed me to some good alternatives.

So far I have used both the embroidery needle and the tapestry needle. They both have really big eyes (which is useful because the thread I'm using is much thicker than average) and are fairly long. The difference is that the embroidery needle has a very sharp tip, and the tapestry needle is blunt.

Why both? A sharp tip makes for easy sewing throught the fabric of the sock, however, it will also go straight through the center of existing thread, which can weaken it. I'll take the trade-off most of the time, but when I'm going over a hole with embroidery floss, I want to maintain the integrity of the thread I've already sewn across, so a blunt tapestry needle is perfect.

And that's pretty much everything you'll need! I hope this guide was helpful, your feet will thank you if you put these skills to use. Send me an email, I'd love to see your beautiful holey socks!

Love, Milo

#DIY #subvert capitalism #darn your socks #darning #clothing #repair #sewing

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talk-shit-get-fit · 5 years ago

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Hei! Your blog is fun and you seem pretty cool, so I was wondering whether you'd have any advice for a gym newbie? Just finished weeks of physical therapy & got the advice to start working out more so my back doesn't get bad again (esp when uni starts again & i'll be back to sitting around for like 8h/day). I don't know much about gym atmosphere (i just know *those* people, who go to the gym) but being a short chubby (mostly? passing) trans guy doesn't exactly make me v/ confident. All the best!

Finally getting to this. Again sorry for lateness, was sick all last week. Anyway, fun? pretty cool? Debatable but I’ll accept it. Thanks. Ooh, newbie advice. I’ll try to reblog all the for beginners stuff i have on blog after i post this.

Hooray for completing PT. I had to go through a couple months of it after a long hospital stay when i was younger. Hope back stays all good. May reblog posture posts too.

So, similarly I knew nothing about gym atmosphere when I started, like 3 or so years back. Most fitness I ever did was the occasional run every month or so. For the most part, i relied on being naturally slim and young metabolism to offset all the junk food i ate.

I’ll offer as much advice as I can but don’t take my word as gospel. Ultimately, find what works best for you and what you enjoy. Its the best way to ensure you stick to it.

ADVICE-ish:

So one, a gym is not required. Fitness can be done near anywhere and easily without equipment as long you have a comfortable space around you.

however, if you do go to a gym or similar place(I go to the YMCA) feel free to call them up and request a tour. Staff should gladly show you what is available at their facilities and in the case of the Y will give you a 7 day free trial pass. Not sure if other places offer it, but never hurts to ask.

Also ask if they happen to know the gym off-peak hours, these are the times when it tends to be less crowded and i’ve found the times i find the most variety of people working out. Ages, body shapes, and workout intensities of all types. Off-peak hours can also allow you enough time to be able to try out many machines /get used to the space without the pressure of worrying your getting in people’s way.

Even if you do come across “those” kinds of gym people they rarely are paying attention to anyone. Some body builders workout near me when im there and they are way more invested in their workout than what i or the elderly or less experienced members are doing.

Sometimes, you may catch them staring or they’ll unsolicited advice. Feel free to ignore it and instead ask the staff for insight. That is literally their job, along with assisting or spotting whenever it is needed. Whether you intend to lift weights or not, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK THE STAFF FOR HELP.

Going to use Terry Crews words since he put it so well: “It has to feel good. I tell people this a lot - go to the gym, and just sit there, and read a magazine, and then go home. And do this every day. Go to the gym, don’t even work out. Just GO. Because the habit of going to the gym is more important than the work out. Because it doesn’t matter what you do. You can have fun — but as long as you’re having fun, you continue to do it.“

Another thing to etch into your mind is comparison is a killer. One of my yoga teachers had a mantra she always recited before starting class. “No competition, no comparison. Our practice takes place on our own individual mats.”

Although she spoke about yoga, it applies to whatever exercise you partake in. Just because person next to you can run longer, it does not diminish what effort you put in. To use my own example, because of how my body is naturally slim my arms, no matter how hard i train them will never look like some of the other gym people. Their body is not mine, mine is not theirs. Where we started from was not the same, our goals may not be the same, but we each put in effort and that is what matters most.

Sidenote, despite some members having more showy muscles than me, it is not uncommon for me to be able to outlift them either in terms of weight or endurance. but again people get built different.

Whatever type of exercise you do land on make sure its ones you enjoy. Like i hate burpees. They have many benefits, are great exercise, and i hate them. When i did put them into my routine, i had to drag myself to do each one, like most people. but i wasn’t enjoying it overall. Hence they were banished to the land of wind and ghost for me. To be replaced with something i liked doing and was a good exercise.

Hell, I didn’t start lifting until like a good year into joining a gym. At first i just stood in the corner of the gym and did bodyweight exercises while listening to TED Talks. Figured those exercises are simple enough, require no equipment typically, and bonus i got them from Darebee.

You may have seen me post them around here, if not just search my blog or tumblr for the tag and you’ll see them. They are super cool, free as hell, nerdy as fuck. The website also includes some long term programs, up to 90 days and even nutrition advice all still free. Plus their apps have no ads and again FREE. the whole thing is just donation based and i have to plug them whenever i get the chance. Were it not for their Hero’s Journey program i wouldn’t have gotten in the habit of regular exercise, i missed about 6 days in total but meh. I’m sure whatever media you are fan of they’ll have some exercise routine to go along with it.

Don’t be afraid to experiment or change up routine until you find something you love and fits in with your schedule and goals. Although there is great value in having a set routine that you can easily follow, don’t be beholden to it strictly. Whether that means not doing something when a part of your body isn’t feeling it, reorganizing whole routine(something i do on occasion), or adjusting an exercise to better fit you.

To use burpees example again, they typically call for jumping up high during the exercise. However, i’ve seen plenty modify it so to be easier on their knees and instead reach up high without jumping so as to be better on their knees.

For sure listen to your body, know that you should never feel pain when exercising(if you do, stop and reassess what you’re doing or skip exercise if needed). Form is way more important than you think, feel free to look up tutorials about any exercise on youtube to correct your form but keep in mind their body is not yours so adjust if you must.

Look honestly I could go on for a while about possible advice, so feel free to message or send ask again with any specific and i’ll do my best to answer. Just know that I’m not a professional and just giving whatever advice i can.

#thanks for the ask #v has come to #now to go collapse and go through my queue #Anonymous

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scandinaviacroatiaengbergs · 6 years ago

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Saturday: Running, Walking, Crepe-ing

[There are some photos from this day, and the Hensinki Central Library, if you scroll a few posts below.]

On Saturday morning, Rowan woke up at 5:00 a.m., which was, of course, not ideal. I tried to get him to stay in bed for a while but after a time, I gave up and told him he could play in the living room, if he was silent. That was also the morning that Eric was intending to run the Helsinki half-marathon, if he’d had a good night’s sleep. Well, he didn’t either, but he did get up at 7 a.m. and Rowan was still out in the living room, playing! He made some really interesting drawings and a list of the places he wanted to go that day. In kindergarten, they practice “brave spelling,” and I tell you, some of the spellings on the list were braaaave. He did want to go to the zoo, the aquarium, and the amusement park. We didn’t end up going to any of those, since we do plan to go to Tivoli Gardens in Copenhagen and the amusement park there, maybe. Rowan did do a pretty good job of playing quietly, honestly, until maybe 8 a.m. (when Cece was still sleeping), when he was playing with some magnetic blocks on the glass coffee table. So, Eric did not end up running the half-marathon, but he did go on an 11.5-mile run – so he basically could’ve done it! After he got back to the apartment, we did all go out and we walked down to Finlandia Hall, which is where the race ended. As I mentioned, the weather has been very hot, so much so that the Finnish weather service had an alert for heat danger. And you know, I thought that was kind of funny at first, but then I also started to worry about the Finns who were running that half-marathon in weather much hotter than they were used to. They was a really great turnout for the race, but we did actually see someone being carried off by the paramedics juuuust before the finish – poor guy—for heat exhaustion. After we mixed and mingled at the end of the race “corral,” I am not sure the proper word for it, we ended up walking a little farther south to the Helsinki Central Library, which I’d really wanted to see. I can’t believe I never visited it on our two previous trips. It is architecturally amazing! Visit the link if you can. It is so swooping, airy, and light in there. The top floor had the children’s books and play areas, so we spent some time up there, reading and playing. After about an hour, we went out seeking lunch and some shops I’d had on my list to visit (including one record store, which we popped in to), and the first was a lure for the kids’ too, Tingeling Toy Store. It was super cool! I‘d read about it online. I also had selected a few clothing shops for children that I was hoping would sell Finnish designers. We went to a few of them, and the first, like Tingeling, was in the Design District of Helsinki, and we got a little map. If I’d had more time, I definitely would’ve liked to have gone to more stops on their little Design map. The first clothing shop had a very limited range of styles and it happened to be their grand opening party! It was a very tiny shop and they had just relocated to this located from Vantaa, which is where the airport is. So, they were having a lovely little party—with a gorgeous cake, cupcakes, and fruit—and we got to join right in. Talk about being in the right place at the right time! From there, we went on to another clothing store and it really had a huge range of toys, too. It mostly had clothes from Denmark and the UK, though, and all of it was really expensive. Yet, they had a play area, so that was a win, and Cece spent her time setting up a little tea party. After that, we started to make our way towards home, and we ended up taking a bus, since we didn’t have it in us to walk the few miles back, not having had lunch and all starting to show the effects of that. So, once we got back to the apartment, Eric and Cece needed to nap in a serious way. She went right down – and so did sleepy Eric, after his unplanned perhaps jetlag-induced early wake-up followed by the 11-mile run. Rowan and I quickly pivoted to head out on our next adventure: to the Arabia-Iittala Design Center! So, I’d planned for us to take the tram, but then I saw that the Design Center was closing at 4 p.m. and it was 3 p.m. So, I decided I’d take the bull by the horns, or rather, the car by its manual transmission, and go for it! I’ve driven exactly two manual transmissions in my life: Eric’s old Audi and his more recent Subaru, which we just sold. I was never excellent at driving either and often burned the clutch or stalled on any incline slightly worth noting. But, the draw of the Design Center was significant, so I got Rowan all strapped in and then quickly proceeded to stall the car on the first main road I was on. I quickly regrouped, and did a much better job after that at figuring out where the “engagement point” or whatever it’s called, is. Rowan made some comments about “what is that awful smell!!!”—about me burning the clutch—but he must’ve fallen asleep like right after that, because the next time I looked back, he was zonked out. We made it there at 3:45, parked perhaps illegally, and then literally ran to the Design Center. Turns out they closed at 5:00 – hooray! So, Rowan managed not to break anything in a store full of glass, though there was one close call, and they even had a Finlayson outlet right in there too, so we saw a Moomin comforter set that we decided Santa might just pick up for Rowan on the way over Finland to New Mexico this coming Christmas. We got no parking ticket and I did not stall once or burn the clutch once on the drive back in to central Helsinki. After returning home, the sleeping people woke up and we walked a ton more that evening, culminating in a dinner of crepes and a swim (for the three humans in our family who are not me) at a popular-with-locals beach. My children swam in their unders, since this was an unplanned outing. They got to bed late, again, but it is light so late my kids are always confused about what time of day it is. So, hoping for a really good night’s sleep, everyone turned in – to be ready to head to Moomin World the next day!

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mypinkchapter · 6 years ago

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2 down.

I don't think it would come as a shock to anyone that knows me for me to confess how much I love school. I don't think many teachers choose to walk back into public education as their profession if they don't love school or have a love for learning. My love of learning led me through K-12, a Bachelor's degree, into my own classroom to teach, & to a Master's degree that I finished in the previous school year. This past school year it was all I could do to think about what comes next in terms of my next step in learning... do I want to pursue my Specialist degree? Do I want to consider starting my National Boards? Do I want to use my Master's degree & step out into the world of school administration/leadership? I mean, school & learning was just about at the center of everything I was focused upon. Little did I know what kind of school & learning that my life was leading into.

One of our sweet pastors spoke with me on the phone the other day to check in on me & pray with me. Our conversation mostly centered around suffering. He talked about how in America today, many just don't really have the concept of what suffering looks like or feels like. Of course, many Americans do know & have been through the trenches, but there are so many others that just don't get it. He told me that what I was experiencing with this journey was putting me through the schooling of suffering. It was as though everything that I had wondered about & yearned for over this past year suddenly made sense. My tests ahead weren't going to be given by Praxis or an online professor; my school & learning had to take on a new face for this particular season of life. What a sweet moment of clarity & reminding that the Lord will take care of my next steps.

Learning to suffer is not always pretty. It has not come in a neatly wrapped package with a pretty pink breast cancer awareness ribbon on top. But it is necessary & important that when we face trials, that we remember the purpose. Philippians 1:12 was my memory verse for last week in the new summer Bible study I'm working through & I have found it to be such a comfort to dwell upon. "Now I want you to know, brothers & sisters, that what has happened to me has actually advanced the gospel."

Suffering & trials will inevitably come. Suffering is tangible evidence or proof of how the Lord can & will work in us & through us. During my Bible study this week, that truth was made known. She talked about how with the most precious & beautiful fine china, for instance, that it is burned the longest in order to reach its peak beauty. She quoted James 1:12, with the beginning of it reading, "A man who endures trials is blessed." Also in John 16:33, it states, "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world." Choosing to embrace the fact that suffering has or eventually will come our way, certainly makes it feel (& hopefully look) a lot less like suffering.

I have officially crossed the threshold of the infusion room as a chemo patient - twice now actually. Two out of sixteen rounds of chemo medications have circulated through. My first four rounds are said to be the tough rounds, the ones where I will likely have more side effects. Hooray for being halfway through those rounds! I am so grateful to say that my side effects have been manageable thus far. Unlike many chemo patients whose side effects occur about 3-4 days after, mine have hit within 3-4 hours & lasts about 2-3 days. I have dealt mainly with extreme fatigue. Unpleasant, yet doable. It takes its toll for a few days & then suddenly, I feel human-like again. I go from basically zombie mode to suddenly back to my normal self; it's kind of crazy honestly!

One of the major side effects of this chemo drug is the hair loss. Patients do not keep hair when receiving this drug... thus I have tried to challenge that with the cooling cap. Typically one sheds their hair actually on day 17-20ish, which is after their second round that occurs on day 14. Had I typed this all earlier in the week, I would have talked about how great & relatively normal my hair had been. Allow me to explain a little more into the cooling cap before I dive into the last 24 hours with my hair.

With this cooling cap I have to follow very strict instructions, such as:

Wash only twice a week -- yes, twice a WEEK!

No hot water when washing & no shower stream hitting your scalp -- use cups of cold water to wash

No brushing except when in the shower (on the two days I wash) with a wide-toothed comb

No products can be used

No styling tools can be used

No tight ponytails or my go-to style of a bun -- use only scrunchies (which makes me feel like I'm back in the 90′s or trying to be "cool" like the teens today wearing their scrunchies... lol) for a loose, low ponytail

Essentially: embrace all natural (or wild woman, in my case) hair

So, yesterday was my day 20 & my hair let me know real quick... I woke up with two mats in my hair. Matty, ratty, tragic messes on each side of my head. I thought to myself how thankful I was that it was wash day! Well, wash day resulted in me not realizing how bad they really were & sitting on the side of the tub for a half hour while my dear husband had to pick out each one, basically one strand at a time. It was UGLY on the bathtub floor -- hair everywhere, so, so much hair. By evening, I developed yet another mat. By that point, we had figured out that because I was losing so much hair, it was tangling around the strands left on my head. So again, my husband patiently picked out gobs of hair & brushed it all back out while I sat & shed a tear or two. We estimate that I have lost around 30% of my total hair as of current. I woke up this morning with very little loss overnight, so I do still have hair & honestly lots of it, even after the traumatic hair day yesterday. It took having a "bad hair day" to a new level!

You know, hair is just hair at the end of the day... my husband still loves me with my wild, natural hair all over the place or he would love me with a bald head. My daughter would still love me. I know I would still be loved with no hair. I'm not so vain that I just have to keep my hair. It's simply that sliver of normalcy that is so sweet to hang on to, that allows me to be out in public without drawing attention to myself. Should we continue with crazy shedding & it all comes out, well then it does. It's just been a fun little part of this journey to try & cold cap to see what happens; it's been like an added extra-credit bonus problem on this test I'm taking. If it works out, woo-hoo! But if it doesn't, I'm still going to pass this test! So hopefully I will get to continue wearing that goofy cap & looking like a weirdo in the infusion room... we'll just see what my wild hair decides to do.

Disclaimer: If you see me out in public & I have still have hair on my head, just expect that it'll be crazy wild & it will appear like I haven't brushed it or fixed in it weeks... because well, I haven't!

All my love from my pink chapter, Erin

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aleinnilatibae · 6 years ago

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Happy December everybody!! I now present to you....

Í RÉTTU LJÓSI!!!

The last song!!!

I really, really love Í réttu ljósi. ESPECIALLY the 1998 version, with Selma and Valgerður killing it on the vocals. This context is, this is the culmination of the Unity Festival, or Equality Festival, Sameiningarhátið, whatever you wanna call it. After Immi quits pouting and joins both the cause and the party, they all get together and sing this song, about how you just have to look at things in the right light and you’ll see why everyone should be equal and work together as one. The chorus is just different permutations of “one for all and all for one”, that I have a hard time distinctly translating but thats basically what it means. It’s quite fitting that this is the only song that EVERYONE sings together, what with Gedda being missing from Litir.

What I find really nice about the 1998 Ávaxtakarfan is that it has a bit of narration at the very end. Usually on albums like that, there is no ending narration, and the last song is all you get. On this album, there is one, and it is short and sweet: “Hafið í huga, allir eru sérstakir hver á sinn hátt. Takk fyrir að hlusta.” which means “Keep in mind, everyone is special in their own way. Thank you for listening.”

I think that is a nice, fitting end.

Comments and screenshots under the cut:

1998:

Good news! There’s an actual video clip of Í réttu ljósi from 1998 online! So I can include screenshots this time! Hooray!

Everybody looks extra cursed from this angle.

So, can’t talk about 1998 Ávaxtakarfan without talking about Stóra Graskerið. The Great Pumpkin. I guess technically the word is BIG pumpkin, but...I’m gonna call her the great pumpkin.

I know absolutely nothing about her.

Okay, that´s not EXACTLY true.

I know that she appears twice in the play, once to sing Litir and once to sing Í réttu ljósi, but has little bearing on the rest of the play as far as I can tell--She’s the Haninn of 1998 Ávaxtakarfan. I’m so sorry

I know that she is portrayed by two actresses that alternate lines in the album version of í réttu ljósi:

Valgerður Guðnadóttir, known for being Ariel, Pocahontas, and Mulan in the Icelandic Disney dubs, and known by me as Mara, Klettur’s mom in Hafið Bláa. She is GORGEOUS, and so is her voice.

Selma Björnsdóttir, known for-do I REALLY need to tell you, person who clicked “keep reading” on this 12th iteration of my Ávaxtakarfan gallifreyan project, that she went on to play Eva in 2005 Ávaxtakarfan? Well...if you didn’t already know, now you do. And just two years prior to this, she was the original Solla Stirða from Áfram latibær, and ALSO has been many Icelandic dubbed Disney Princesses like Valgerður.

Iceland is a small country, what can I say.

So, who’s up for another round of Horrifying Implications??

The Pumpkin has the ability to do THIS!

She just...SINGS í réttu ljósi like this, like she didn’t just RIP HER ENTIRE BODY OPEN. I mean, I know WHY, it’s because when she’s in it she looks like she’s drowning in the deep end of a pool and I bet its hard to sing out of it, but I can’t stop thinking about a regular goddamn pumpkin just EVISCERATING itself and the core and the stem singing a song at me. Is the outside flesh of a pumpkin just a covering for the person inside? Is it like Eva’s orange peel wrapping in 2005? Does she sing Litir like this too, or does she stay inside the pumpkin for that??

Also, why does she have a crown on??

The answer to all of these questions is, I don’t know, because Stóra ONLY appears in 1998 Ávaxtakarfan, the cryptid play that is not available anywhere online, and even then she isn’t even mentioned in the main part of the play. She is a cryptid of a cryptid, and a huge mystery, and also I love her.

The last shot of 1998 Ávaxtakarfan! Can’t see Gedda or Palla or Eva, but it’s a good view of those we can see, it ends strong.

2005:

In this version, there is no Stóra, so Gedda is the one who sings í réttu ljósi. Honestly, this way is more...fitting, in my opinion, because she’s the one who did the heavy legwork to bring everybody together. However, she still DOES get a costume change, and it IS reminiscent of Stóra.

She comes out and captivates everybody with her song, and she looks GREAT while doing it.

And if I could indulge my ship a little here....

“SING YOUR HEART OUT IM SO PROUD OF YOU” --Mæja, probably

Another fun thing about 2005 Í réttu ljósi, is everybody in the background is having a great time during the verses, for example:

Immi bouncing on this thing that just says “HOP!” on it,

Palla discovering, along with Immi and Guffi, that the weight is TOO heavy for her....

And Græni looking at his reflection in Eva’s mirror.

Of course the camera focuses the last shot on two of the big Eurovision stars...but there’s Mæja hand in hand with Gedda so all is right here.

(Fun fact, this exact screenshot I took when I barely, barely finished subtitling the entire play, and I felt very celebratory at this moment)

2012:

The strange thing about 2012 as a whole, despite continuing to have Birgitta Haukdal, is that especially musically it takes a LOT of elements from the 1998 play. The way that Farðu burt and Vaxtarlagið are, instrumentally, the deletion of Immi Verst, there are a lot of parallels from 1998 to 2012, like 2005 was some sort of fever dream that was mostly forgotten about. But even so, there is no pumpkin-esque costume change here for Gedda, possibly since she isn’t the only one singing the main lines this time.

That’s right, this is yet another example of Mæja Litla Song Thief, back at it again. But in this one, she doesn’t take ALL the lines, she and Gedda alternate lines in the verses like Selma and Valgerður do in 1998 (look at that, more parallels), and during one line, they even duet.

And ABOUT that duet line....remember back in the Fandalaggahoj post where I talked about Mæja and Gedda having a little moment in Í réttu ljósi that I was gonna get to later? Well, later is right now.

Context: Gedda’s line right before this was “if looked at in the right light you’ll see, what really gets a little heart to beat”. Then Mæja sings the “Ef horft er á í réttu ljósi” (”If it is looked at in the right light”) by herself, and then...

Gedda and Mæja look into each other’s eyes, hold hands, and sing “Hvers vegna ást er eitthvað sem allir þrá” together, which basically means “Love is something that everyone longs for”

HELLO???? WHEN’S THE WEDDING???

Also, check this weird thing out:

This is literally how it ends, they say the last “allir sem einn” after this, and all I can think of is that one birdsrightsactivist tweet:

Immanúel Aðalsteinn Ananas, we JUST talked about how everybody is equal :[

The last shot of this one is quite nice, though, Immi Ananas’ spotlighting notwithstanding.

Finally, after three iterations, all of the characters are in the final shot!! They did it!!

And that concludes this Ávaxtakarfan Gallifreyan project!! It’s very bittersweet being at the end of this project, because I will miss doing these posts, but maybe someday in the future I will think of another reason to do more of them for another topic. If you are reading this, thank you so much for sticking with me throughout this project, I really appreciate that people are continuing to read these big rambly infodumps, even if it’s just a few of the same people every time, Ávaxtakarfan is really important to me and I am so happy that I can share it with people <3 I hope you all learned something.

So keep in mind, everyone is special in their own way. Thank you for listening.

Links:

Í réttu ljósi 1998, see if you can listen for when Selma is singing vs when Valgerður is singing

Í réttu ljósi 1998 the video, with the great transforming pumpkin herself

Í réttu ljósi 2005 album version

Í réttu ljósi 2012 version

Fun bonus: í réttu ljósi, from Birgitta Haukdal’s 2004 album Perlur, one year before she was to play Gedda in 2005 ávaxtakarfan

#ávaxtakarfan #ák dcg #i cant fucking believe its december #i cant fucking believe im DONE

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