#HELP LET ME SLEEP BRAIN
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I'm trying to sleep but anime intros are rotating in my head.
Now playing: KIMI DA YO KIMI NANDA YO OSHIETE KURETAAAAA 🎶
#your lie in april for those who dont know#its been hours#and its still playing in my head#why is this somg so catchy 😂#HELP LET ME SLEEP BRAIN
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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kisses him kisses him kisses him
@naffeclipse you've seen this one but I'm posting it today for the serotonin boost, so have a callback to the first doodles <3
*self insert is not a girl (he/ she)
og detective au by sunnys-aesthetic!
#post let luce#dcamv#bloodstain fool#menace4menace#naffeclipse#my art#i did tax stuff and work emails on top of my normal work today and im still catching up on sleep#so i need to set this loose (luce) in the wild and get some serotonin from watching my self indulgence pop up in my notifs#also bc there is simply no brain left to do anything else today#tomorrow. i did all this bs today so id have a mostly free day tomorrow#i wanna just. soak in self indulgence for the evening#eclipse help me do my taxes please i need someone to validate my frustration with this program#how dare they call it magpie? i like magpies i dont want to associate them with taxes of all things#okay no yeah im. getting off track in the tag ramble so im just gonna hit post. gnight enjoy <3
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Where's the WIP Thursday post? Is my Tumblr glitching? /Genq
i didn’t post it actually bc i didn’t finish it. i’m exhausted and overworked and busy and miserable rn bc it’s exam season and winter, and i got overwhelmed and just…stopped posting?? i’m sad and ashamed bc i WANT to be posting. i dunno. i’m skipping my morning class tmrw bc i hate it so i’m praying really extra hard that i’ll have the energy to write tmrw
#i literally have the fic written in my head too i’m so frustrated#i hate it when my brain doesn’t let me do the hobbies i enjoy?? for whatever reason#noooooo we gotta sleep and sit in bed and doomscroll and feel like shit about it later. i’m sure THATS helpful thank u brain#ask
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Pokemon AU Rival Moe calls Alfonse "A Fucking Loser" after he wins and then it either gives him some potions or straight up heals his whole party. Moe wins against Sharena and apologises so sincerely OR Sharena wins and Moe enthusiatically congratulates her and hypes her up without a hint of animosity. Moe wins against Alfonse and truly does not know what to do w that information, this is unprecedented, until Alfonse ever the good sport hits it with the "You fought well ☺️" and Moe malfunctions and explodes
#moe tag#moe's status as an asshole rival or friend barely even rival is entirely dependent on if you're alfonse or sharena.#moefonse dynamic is always so funny to me like. despite knowing better moe really can't help but both idolize and resent him.#meanwhile i think alfonse can sniff this out right away and acts accordingly. entirely depending on what his goals are here.#which are. subject to change. depending on the mood of the day.#HELP WAIT. THE. i'm so sleepy but the. 'can't help but idolize/resent him' IT LITERALLY HAS A MIMIKYU........ COME ON.#mimikyu you are so famous... to me.#i need to sleep so bad but like. the sillies..... in my brain......#another thing that is so fun in my head though is moe being this pint sized freak of a thing#and alfonse being the normalest guy in the world NOTICABLY taller and more built than it#and he just. lets moe harass him and bully him and push him around. this is enrichment for him i think.#i think the key here is moe is never actually meanspirited and alfonse oculd break it in half.#adn fhey're... best friends...... just like really bad at it.#moe lore
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Perhaps my psyche is too fragile to immerse in this kind of stuff...
But because I'm sensitive and empathetic i care about it.
But because not much of it kind of starts making me fall apart.... i can't really do much. It feels like a lot but is barely anything
I want to do more than research and post things on tumrblr and facebook...
But perhaps i should put my own oxygen mask on before i try to help anyone else....
By then it'll probably be too late to help in any meaningful way.
#dilemma#ukraine#russia#i get involved in these stupid little comments#on YouTube and fb#if i look at them and they dont like me i literally cant sleep all night#i defend Ukrainians to everyone#i defend antiwar russians#i defend some opposition from each other...#i advocate for ukraine prisoners by.. posting on oppositon russians and get no notice#i post fundraiser for Ukrainian who needs help and no one looks#i watch stuff that probably dmagws my brain in unforseen ways#i watched stuff yesterday and#today im like crying at everything#i think of it at night it goes around in my head. if i cant sleep i fall apart#my one project is at dead end..#othrr project is like... will this do anything#im too small. like i screamed on fb and they thought “influencer#meant insta influencer. i meant just peace for ukraine influencer. they never even noticed my posts ;(#i want to get ir degree and#help understand world and fix it . lol#i want to get psych degree and make a camp for ukrainians with ptsd#art and horses animals nature...#lets see. how much fantasy is that.#i want to use osint to find ukrainians#is that even a thing#in some way focusing on ukraine makes me a better person#purpose makes me feel less like dying#artyom kamardin said in last word hes not emotionally stable and prison is hard fkr him.... 💔#anulia said he was emotionally stable before hand but after... i know i couldn't survive any of it.
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"we got 2 hrs of sleep, let's start the day 🥰✨"
No, brain, we went to sleep at 12 and work up at 2, why do I have to keep informing you 2AM is not a "good time to wake up", not is 3 or 4. Let me go back to sleep, the sun won't be up for another 2-3 hrs u ass-
I don't know how it manages to actually FUNCTION on said 2 hrs, and seemingly prefers it.
Tho it does result in more of me humanizing my brain and sometimes a little bit of extra delulu-ness so it's certified not 100% function
#i am tired but i will not sleep no matter the amount of hrs i lay after i wake back up#there is no 'going back to sleep' and it is ridiculous#i literally had to shortly deprived my brain of oxygen to convince it to let me sleep help#by that i mean holding my breath not like suffocation#might have to do it again bc it actually worked the first time but also#that is not smth i WANT to make a habit of man-#“oh how do you deal w sleep issues” i hold my breath like a toddler throwing a tantrum until my brain gives in and lets me sleep#i can remember the last time my brain let me have more than 6 hr at once#and not a single hr was willing#maladaptive daydreaming until i tucker put the fuck bc it never seems to shut#the scenarios role until thw position r hasy and the characters r acting out of script#once i was moments from falling asleep and was screamed awake by my brain like fuck man u rlly gotta be like that?#i could feel it would have been a good sleep toooooo 😔
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#i keep thinking about how we’ve been told how he kept going down to the lobby & it just makes me feel like he knew something was wrong this#time and that he was trying to get help but because of whatever he took he couldn’t express it coherently#which just makes it even worse & horrible#death details#(I think idk cuz it mentions things we know or allegedly happened that day)#(maybe this is why my brain won’t let me sleep cuz i keep thinking & trying to rationalize like i always do)#(but this is what I just keep thinking over and over 😔)#oct16
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me + mayhem going on a stupid silly hike for my stupid silly mental health
touched grass and i am normal again (lying)
#i will get back to drawing soon let me just sleep for a few years shdjhkfds#anyway photo credit to mayhem again i cant take pictures to save my life lol#btw the caption is obvs reference to that one hike video tiktok i think so credit to that also its not my joke#anywqay it was nice did help me a little bit#been feeling a bit down due to some personal problems ykno#and also due to not being accepted into a med uni I rly wanted to (but didn't put enough effort I'll confess) and that almost no one getsin#but i was only missing one point o(-( i was the first in line outside the capacity limit hasjkdhsahd#even tho my brain is rly small for it lets be real hfjsdfhksd but like hhsdjhshdjkhd those biches at physiotherapy baited me hdsjd#mqf i have failed you lol#also i have accidentaly gotten back into one piece as I do for like two weeks periodically every few months or so dhjsdhk#so im revisiting my olde blorbo trafalgar which is just reminding me of a fact that this was one of the fuckers my itty bitty young self -#- wanted to pursue medicine beacause of lmaoooo#bad timing one piece fixation!! bad bad!! sdhhdjshdjakshd#whatevrrr whatevr whatevr io dotn care! enough of that hahhskj#but hey as some of u may remeber im czech so haa whats up with the mountains right since we are very cute and 'down to earth' state hahaha#its cuz its actually from austria :))#we went hiking there since theyre co by kamenem dohodil as they say#fuck english has the exactly same saying im moron that ruins my whole thing hjdsk 'a stone's throw away' whatever ignore that ig hahhah#so yeah very beautiful very powerful go touch some grass lads#also they are not stones throw away i was lying but close enough-#also random czechs stop jumpscaring me in other countries challenge why was there so many of us horrible horrible horrible
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can't tell if im actually unwanted in places or if im just having a weird mental health episode again
#this SUCKS i want OUT#also the way theres nothing that could actually help here#cant ask shouldnt just randomly distance myself from everyone my brain wont let me just chill uwaaagh#text#deleted laters probly i just need 2 vent#maybe if i factory reset by sleeping a full 12 hours ill become normal again
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BELLUM. it's bedtime and I'm yawning but I am being kept awake by sheer feels alone HELP
#is that a fucking gremlin ?? ( OOC. )#(( Elsa using her ice as a 'therapy' / treatment for helping with Spinner's chronic pain tho#will it work ? maybe a lil maybe it's not super effective and even if it helps it's not a total 'cure' like#nothing is gonna take away all the pain and make it entirely 10000 % better#but the fact that she's even TRYING something knowing that it might work#knowing that it might be what others would consider a 'waste' of her energy ; just on the off chance that it helps him even a LITTLE#hi leave me alone I have thoughts#I should sleep since I have to be at the store at 7:30 tomorrow morning BUT-#follow the simple rule of noticing my online presence after 10 PM#''if ye see ... let it be''#dfjhklsajfalkfa I'm sorry anxiety and shit has like. fried my brain lmao ))
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feeling kind of shitty that i havent written anything substantial in a couple weeks
#even though ive been intentionally taking a break#my brains like bitch what is the p o i n t#im about to have two really lonely ass weeks with a l o t of free time though#so sorry in advance if im a little extra online until the end of the month#i reFUSE to let my mother ruin this opportunity for me to rest either#because i already KNOW she is going to try#so i am already anticipating that shes going to try and have a cOnVeRsAtIoN with me and attempt to ruin my opportunity for getting#actual sleep for the first time in i am not exaggerating years#sorry my mom is a fucking narcissist whos like.........attempting to reform? kind of? and unfortunately due to shit beyond my control i#require help from her at the moment so she is unavoidable#but if she tries to make me come out to her again i am going to go ballistic#the first time i came out to her she said 'now is not a good time for this. why are you crying'#just to give you an idea of what im working with here#that was one year ago#sorry to complain on main its just that i am contractually obligated to sometimes#isaac clarke data log
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So. Everyone who yelled at me yesterday for making a ramble on Reynie going blank and then not resolving it, this is for you: (@lemondropletters, you have been tagged)
Also, it's in a Google Doc because it was definitely too long for a Tumblr post, and ~~I don't know how AO3 works~~
The (vague) premise is that, instead of Constance seeing Curtain's broadcast, they all get to the compound mentally sound, but once there, they split up to look for Mr. Benedict, and instead Reynie finds Curtain. This is the wrap up of what would have happened in the last episode.
#I'm sorry if it's also garbage#My brain hasn't been letting me sleep the last two days so I've just been working on this#And also I've never tried writing fic before so it is highly likely to be bad#But it was certainly a fun experience!#I was like “Oh I'll just rewrite that first post in this new format and then add the notes I had in my drafts”#And from there it somehow spiraled into a five and a half thousand word mess#But I think I learned some things!#And I'm sorry Miss Perumal isn't more help I got caught up in the emotion and I just really wanted the kids to work it out themselves#Especially since Reynie is normally the driving force for those kinds of solutions#But without him it took a lot longer than I expected#Also be warned I use a lot more em dashes then I think I'm supposed to#And I was trying the technique of mostly using the adult's formal names since the main perspective is the kids'#But the point is that I did it. I tried.#And if it's terrible then I will just never do it again#I'm sorry I didn't know how to end it so it's kind of vague and abrupt#I hope it's fairly in-character I tried really hard but messing up character voices terrifies me which is why I've never tried this before#I am genuinely so sorry if this is hot garbage it certainly feels like garbage#Okay shutting up now. Again my apologies#the mysterious benedict society#mbs#reynie muldoon#kate wetherall#sticky washington#constance contraire#miss perumal
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#thoughts#personal#mental health tw#it's complicated because I both want to address how fucking unhinged I very publically am at the moment#for which I am sorry if you have noticed#and also Not do that and pretend my weirdass behavior flies under the radar and I am being So Very Normal Right Now#which I feel we are past that point but also maybe who cares I don't think people notice but You Know#you get in the thought loop and then it's over#I used to have a private twitter to have weird meltdowns full of me immediately deleting everything I posted#and then I went “wow!! this is not happening anymore!! look at me being an adult about it!!”#and uhh lol#I didn't want it to happen here it's very humiliating to know you are Like This and not being able to affect it much#this too shall pass I suppose#normal posting (???) will resume shortly#I just get super manic when I have mental health cocktails like this + my brain Will Not let me sleep and I need to distract myself#all I want to say is: I'll be normal again at some point probably#it was on slow cook since maybe 9 months and baby it's here now#I'm supposed to go to my first industry event RIGHT after a very very tense burial and I'm already so disheveled like girl what#I'm so going to begin screaming at an industry legend for no reason and then immediately lock myself in a bathroom#anyway. common sense and self control will be back soon#and there are good chances I'll delete this post too at some point!! but. yeah.#it is what it is tm#hope you are as okay as could be#and if not all the courage and strength your way#sending many angry blue ganonpigs your way too. hope that helps! somehow!
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what if i just go to bed
#just a lot of me bitching in the tags incoming#everything is a lot and my headache is lingering and i cant write#bc i am bad at coming up with plots for my writing projects and the other ocs i wanna play with are rp ocs#for a group i havent been a part of in months and havent felt a part of for even longer#and there are multiple issues w all of that shit#and yes i can just write my own shit w them ik and been thinking about it just. annoying all of it#also i am at the annoying fiddly part of my knitting project which is why ive barely touched it in weeks#and my crochet project i just started requires more brain than i have rn bc working in a spiral#is my exhaustion the seasonal depression or just the general state of the world orr the usual everything thats wrong w me or all 3#idk but sleep sounds enticing. not a solution but wont have to think about it. until we do it all again tomorrow ofc#idk lets see if the gabapentin i took helps at all. if nothing else it will make me more tired#delete later
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Head hurts eyes burn almost 2am but my brain is going "no you're fine, go crochet"
#help#my brain is evil#it won't let me sleep#crochet#hmmm#i think my eyes shut off for a second#the world blinked
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