#I just get super manic when I have mental health cocktails like this + my brain Will Not let me sleep and I need to distract myself

[rawliverandgoronspice]

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[my-wayward-son]

Soooo… Um. It’s bad.

BPII is a common comorbidity with autism, and the whole diagnosis of BPII was coined (separated from BPI) because the depression end is stronger and the manic end is more like super anxiety. I know this. I’ve known this for a long time.

I have chronic migraine disease and severe gastroparesis/adult FTT. I know this too.

My labs still haven’t recovered completely from the colectomy and subsequent stint on TPN; my H&H is chronically low and my ferritin is shit. Fatigue is is a problem. Like, majorly.

It never fails to catch me off guard, though, when things really take a turn for the worse, especially all at the same time. Lack of interest in things I usually enjoy keeps washing over me. Like, all the time.

Let me explain.

I haven’t seen the new Spider-Man trailer. I haven’t seen What If. I haven’t seen Shang Chi (though that’s also due to fear of the delta variant and crowded theaters). I need 4 (count that, 4) doses of sleep med to put me down for the night, and I still roll all over the bed and listen to Buzzfeed Unsolved I’ve already seen and get barely any REM. All I want to do is ballet, then I get frustrated that I can’t remember combinations easily, but that’s because of the (faulty) migraine and psych meds I’m currently on. I’ve been having sick stomach a la pre-colectomy if I take in anything but clear liquids by mouth. I haven’t combed my hair or put in my hearing aids in about a week.

The list goes on, but I don’t want to bore you. Or sound too complainey. I feel pathetic and like I’m being an attention whore by putting it all out there, but, as DD has told me, at least I have words. A couple of weeks ago I felt so low that I could barely express what was wrong. Now I’ve been to a couple doctors appointments, switched a few meds, and have enough presence of mind to know that everything is seriously fucked up.

The SSRI I’m on is absolutely not agreeing with me, and my sleep med is obviously not doing its job. My psychiatrist is working on coming up with a new med cocktail, though we’ve only been able to talk via email so far.

I’ve pretty much eschewed my migraine steroid pack because it’s keeping me from being able to think, but the headache is… impressive. If my mental health/drive were in order, maybe I’d call the pain functional, but right now it’s edging back up toward status. I take pain meds ranging from ibuprofen to RX injectables at random intervals when I feel especially bad. Intensity ranges from dull throb to skull-splitting, going to vomit.

I know most meds have headaches as a side effect, which sucks fucking rocks because that makes it impossible to tell how much I actually hurt and what’s amplified by my new meds. Not all of them are bad (we think), so it’s kind of a waiting game to see if my body “gets used” to the formulation.

I have neurology in two days, so I guess we’ll be able to discuss the headaches then, however it’ll be hard to ensure any med changes are appropriate when my psychiatrist is still working on a new batch for mood stabilization. I’m nervous and frustrated in advance.

There are so many things I want/need to do, like catching up on short fics in my inbox and doing this month’s Artsnacks challenge. I’m basically living day-to-day right now, and I’m lucky if I get all my daily household and self-care tasks done. I keep wanting to do fun activities with the kids, too, but time gets away from me. It winds up taking 10 years to fold the laundry, and all the sudden it’s time to get ready for bed, and I did nothing all day.

I hope to all gods above and below that everything will be worked out before Inktober/Whumptober, because I really want to commit to completion for both. We’re going on vacation for the first week of October, and I plan to focus my non-beach time on art and writing work. I’m all planned out (was able to do that before the depression hit so badly), but I’m currently doubting my abilities. I also plan to slide back into working on Keeping Safe, so I can take it back on for NaNo. That’s something that will take some commitment and discipline. I want so badly for it to work out. I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t, and I know it’ll be a hit to my self-confidence. A few years ago I wrote a whole 70k book in just 28 days, and now I’m struggling to pop out shorts…

Anyway. I’ll stop talking now. I hope this doesn’t read as overly dramatic or like I’m begging for sympathy. I’m not. I’m trying to be real and maybe explain why my presence has been spotty lately. All I want is for things to get better.

[southsidestory]

you have bipolar disorder? how did you get to that conclusion? did you go to a doctor? i don’t want to self diagnose but i’ve read up on it a lot and it seems like my grandfather, father, and i have it. its made life super difficult. I even stopped writing ff bc when i posted, people wouldn’t understand how depressive episode make you not want to do anything for literal months at a time and would berate me for not updating 1/2

2/2 and my family is Mexican so they believe that mental illness is an American Thing, so i cant really go to them for help, and i wouldn’t even know where to begin with a doctor. what was your experience with it?

I did go to a psychiatrist, yes, but I had been experiencing symptoms since I was 12. I was 26 when I was finally correctly diagnosed. Before that I’d been misdiagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and put on a cocktail of meds that mostly made me worse. Being correctly diagnosed is hugely important, and I highly recommend that someone see a psychiatrist rather than self diagnosing. 

But. Not everyone has the privilege of easy access to a psychiatrist, and it sounds like you’re in that category. And I can say from personal experience that I knew I was bipolar before I was diagnosed, because it runs in my family and my symptoms were astoundingly obvious by that point. Since you asked, I’ll tell you about my experience.

As I said, I started experiencing bipolar symptoms when I was a kid. I also have PTSD and GAD, and my anxiety has been with me all my life, but my depression started when I was 12. A nurse practitioner put me on the antidepressant Lexapro, which made me worse--because antidepressants don’t work for bipolar people. Our brains aren’t wired for it. So I quit taking Lexapro and didn’t attempt to treat my mental illness with medicine for the next ten years. 

I also started having hypomanic episodes as a young teenager, but I didn’t recognize them for what they were. I wouldn’t sleep for days and I’d be highly productive and feel great, so why would I complain about that or think it’s a problem? But the longer I went untreated the more severe my episodes became and the longer they lasted, and by the time I hit my 20s I was in a really bad place. Depressed 85% of the time, hypomanic 10% (although I didn’t know that’s what it was), and “normal” about 5%. My depressive episodes often lasted for months at a time, briefly broken by a week or two of hypomania, after which I’d plummet right back into depression.

I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner when I was 22. He assumed I was depressed and put me on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. That mostly made me worse. The only thing that ever really worked was Abilify, which is an atypical antipsychotic shockingly used to treat bipolar disorder. That really should have been a fucking clue, but I went improperly diagnosed for another four years.

Being on a cocktail of the wrong meds made me worse, which led me to stop taking my meds cold turkey, which is always a bad idea. In April 2016 I had a horrible mixed episode, although I didn’t understand what it was then. For those who don’t know, a mixed episode is when someone is manic and depressed at the same time, and it’s pure hell. During my episode, I broke up with my partner right before our first wedding anniversary, quit my job, and almost committed suicide. (Then I moved back home and my mom promptly died, but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.)

Fortunately my partner and I got back together, and they helped me figure out what was going on. They’re also bipolar, but unlike me they were diagnosed as a kid, and our symptoms presented differently so that’s probably why neither of us saw it for a long time.

I finally saw a psychiatrist at the beginning of 2017, and I went in already knowing what I was going to hear. My mom had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years before she died, so I knew it ran in my family. My symptoms had worsened significantly and my hypomania had finally become so distinct and unhealthy that it couldn’t be overlooked anymore.

None of my previous health care providers had ever asked me, “What do you feel like when you’re at your happiest?” If they had, it would have probably been obvious that I suffer from bipolar disorder, not unipolar depression. Because my “happiest” looks like extreme periods of creative productivity, days or weeks of insomnia, and some very bad decision making lol. Usually followed by a crash landing back into depression.

So I guess that’s my question for you. What do you feel like when you’re at your happiest? If your “up” periods sound like hypomania or mania, which I’m sure you’ve read about, then yeah there’s a good chance you’re bipolar. :/

And if you are bipolar, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get proper medication. I don’t want to scare you, but something like 20% of bipolar people die from committing suicide. And those are just the successful ones; the number who attempt, sometimes multiple times, is much higher. This is an extremely dangerous, disabling, potentially deadly illness. Although you can learn helpful coping strategies in therapy, and a good support system is also very important, the #1 thing you need to treat bipolar disorder is medication. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that, for 99% of us, cannot be effectively managed without mood stabilizers and/or antipsychotics. Every bipolar person I know (my mom, my aunt, my partner, and one of my friends) didn’t get better until they were on meds, and it was the same for me.

All this to say, if you suspect you’re bipolar, I encourage you to do every single thing in your power to get to a psychiatrist. I’d like to say your family might come around, but if you say they believe mental illness is an “American Thing” then I believe you. In which case, you need to advocate for yourself now and worry about their opinions later. Assuming you’re an adult, which I’m *really* hoping you are. If you’re a minor, that makes this much harder.

When you say you’re Mexican, I don’t know if you mean you’re living in Mexico or living in the US. If Mexico, I can’t point you toward resources, but if you happen to live in the US, most major cities have FQHCs (federally qualified health centers), which are aimed at serving poor people, and many of which provide mental health care services.

If you do have access to a psychiatrist, I can give you some pointers on what to do before your first appointment. I went into mine with a list of symptoms and how long I’d been experiencing them, family history of mental illness, previous medication regimens, and a summary of my trauma. When I handed it over to my psychiatrist she was like “Well it’s quite clear that you’re bipolar. I’m sorry you’ve been misdiagnosed for so long.”

If you’re comfortable DMing me, please feel free. Regardless, I hate to hear that you’re struggling, but I do want you to know that things can get better. I honestly feel like I lost the years between age 12 and 26, because I spent them so miserable, but since getting properly medicated my life has turned around completely. I want to see that happen for you too, nonny.

[me-mindfulexistence]

What Is The Difference Between Having A Child With Cancer & One With Schizophrenia? A Casserole Dish.

“.......A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7- and 9-year old siblings knew the safety plan -- they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.-Liza Long”

http://www.post-gazette.com/opinion/Op-Ed/2012/12/23/I-am-Adam-Lanza-s-mother-My-son-threatens-to-kill-me-I-ve-tried-everything-everything-is-not-enough/stories/201212230224

 Most of us go into parenthood with rose colored glasses….with the motive to instill and implement every idealistic concept that was ingrained into our psyche from childhood to young adulthood (and unlike our parents and all the other slacker parents we observe around us….come hell or high water we were going to be SUPER successful doing it).    Right?  I mean how many times have childless parents (including myself) been at a restaurant, entertainment venue or even a family function and thought to our self….”OMG. I’ll NEVER let my child act like that!....I’ll Never blah, blah, blah…..They should do x, y and z” because “we know”.  

Then maybe down the road that time comes when we are “blessed” with this little human creature…this “bundle of joy”...our own ‘mini-me’. We love this little baby/child more than our self.   The dreams of their future success’s are bounding in our heads.....but slowly they grow and sometime sooner than later the cold reality sets in (for some more than others) that “laying down the law” and “controlling” this little person who has the ultimate goal of seeking full independence isn’t quite as easy or cut and dry as many imagined it would be.  Now, let me preface that there are ALL kinds of circumstances that cause increased challenges…whether it’s financial, relationship or health issues…etc (the list goes on and on). There is always something to put a ‘strain’ on your life which makes the art of “parenting” 100x more difficult…That said, parenting a child in what’s considered the “ideal” situation ie- where there is a 2 person relationship for that “tag team emotional support”, financial stability, living in a clean environment with a child who has no extensive health issues IS already difficult and demanding as it is….but what if your child has extreme mental illness?  What if your child can’t control their rage? What if your child is abusive to you, animals, siblings, classmates? What if you’ve reached out to doctor after doctor and you’re just going in circles?  What if your child is written prescription after prescription and your bathroom cabinet becomes a small pharmacy? What if you become so fearful of your child that you sleep with your door locked?  You have a weapon under your pillow?  You have to have an emergency plan in place…..No one plans on birthing or raising a Nikolas Cruz or an Adam Lanza.  You can’t spank the mental illness out of a child…..you can’t retrain, instill better morals, improve religious proficiency and maximize their appreciation and love for God and expect them to be “cured” of their manic tendencies or severe depression b/c you’re “parenting is on point”.  Mental illness is many times undiagnosed, misdiagnosed and extremely complex to treat/manage any one illness (and many people have multiple disorders and end up on a cocktail of drugs) to which every single person responds differently.  

 There was a time in our not to distant past when mental hospitals/asylums were plentiful….They kept people for long intervals or life time commitments.  But due to the abuse of power, lack of funding, and institutionalizing people who were sometimes not mentally ill at all, most have been closed down.  For decades now “Deinstitutionalizing” has been a government effort and everyone is mainstreamed into the community…..some into long term care facilities…others just ‘out’.  Many end up on the streets homeless and wandering, many commit a potpourri of crimes and eventually live out their lives in prison…and others just ‘exist’ being drug addicts moving from family member to friend...going in and out of hospitals for various medical issues.  Which brings me back to my point for writing this….

https://www.thebalance.com/deinstitutionalization-3306067

It’s my opinion that we’ve done a great disservice to our country and communities by closing down psychiatric facilities.  Some people are severely mentally ill.  Families are living in fear and hopeless. Some people need extensive help and long term management….some people need to be committed and never released. Others may need long indefinite stays.  Unfortunately, mental illness isn’t easily controlled.  The ugly reality is that it’s a cycle.  Many higher functioning people will get help, start managing their issues, feel better, stop managing b/c they feel better and then get worse….once symptoms magnify they will sometimes become paranoid, self medicate with alcohol and drugs and not believe what they’re being told. Now it’s the ‘norms’ trying to convince them to ‘seek help’ again.  No one can legally FORCE someone who is an adult and mentally ill to be committed to an institution/hospital involuntarily....you can’t make them get assistance if they don’t want it.  Can’t happen.  Unless that person is threatening to hurt them self or others they can NOT be committed without their consent.  Here’s the kicker of modern mental healthcare….if they are committed…..they go away for usually 2 weeks (30 days tops)-this also applies to minors.  So, I threaten to kill you….I’ll be ‘fixed’ in 2 weeks? Usually after a stay they come out ‘snowed’.  Doped up on drugs.  It’s a vicious cycle.  The people who think “fixing the mental healthcare system” will help change our country’s problems are wearing “rose colored glasses”.  One step towards improving it.....is affording a massive amount of coverage specifically for MENTAL healthcare (which in our penny pinching system wont happen) ...but many of the people who need this the most can’t even work, let alone have “good” benefits *b/c they are mentally ill! But society has already labeled them “lazy” ….  We need mental health institutions where people go to live (that costs lots of $.....wont happen)…. We need to stop ignoring the fact that everyone isn’t meant to co-habitat out in everyday society.  This isn’t a PARENTING PROBLEM.  It’s a lack of society understanding problem.  And as much as this isn’t a gun control rant....if you are getting advanced psych assistance...you should never be able to legally attain a gun. Common sense stuff. 

As in the video I posted below....The mom of one of the mentally ill children stated “the difference between having a child with a physical injury or a disease like cancer and having one with mental illness is the lack of sympathy from family and friends....(Casseroles....no one sends casseroles or dinners when your child is a mental mess). B/c there is a fear.” 

I couldn’t agree more.  There is a stigma attached to mental illness and people aren’t empathetic to the struggle. It’s invisible incurable demon of a disease. Appreciate not only your physical health but your mental health. Don’t take being ‘sane’ for granted....and don’t think ‘better parenting’, more God, and getting rid of all the guns will stop mass shootings...it wont.  My 1/2 cent.