#HAVE TO START WORKING IN LESS THAN 10MIN LET ME SEE IF I CAN POST THIS OTHER ONE

[einsatzzz]

CHIEF SPEEDRUN @lixenn congrats on surviving thesis hell, had to draw this when i saw!! 🫡🫡💜✨

[heartfulselkie]

Like, do you have this moment? Like spend a whole day drawing your greatest fanart forever and *It will be a success!* send it on Tumblr or anything else platform. But nothing happens. Its reaction even nothing compared to your past scrawl... It's my feeling. Just demotivates me. I know if want to enjoy popularity need time to manage account and improve my skill in painting, but it's just...feel pathetic.

How to pass it and keep my passion for drawing, I am confused now.

Oh I get that all the time! And I think every artist who's posted online has felt this at some point or other. Same for writers or any other creative that shares their work! So you're not alone in feeling that sometimes.

Why does the silly doodle I spent less than 10min drawing do better than the drawing I spent hours on? I have no idea. It's just how the internet is.

It does get demotivating, but you have to remember this isn't necessarily a reflection on you as an artist or creative. I think if you make the decision to share online, then you need some degree of thick skin to accept that the response isn't always going to be there. And it's largely down to luck or timing, so I personally never saw the point in trying to "cheat the system" by figuring out optimum posting times. So I will just occasionally reblog my own work so that it passes people's dashes again.

And it's understandable you want validation for the work you do. We spend time doing something we feel proud of and want it to be noticed. But translating your art's worth into a number of notes is not a healthy mindset. It's hard one to break - believe me, I know. But it's a mindset that will hold you back from something you're passionate about.

Sometimes you just need to keep drawing. And sometimes you just need to take a break.

Remember that the artists you admire started out somewhere too. They've had their times of posting and getting a minimal response. I've had it too.

And yes, it can be demotivating. But it's your choice whether to give up or continue. I'd be sad to see any artist, no matter their skill level, give up because they didn't think they were "good enough" or "popular enough". I'd given up art and drawing for a long time - and you know what? I'm sad that I did. I love drawing. I love sharing what I draw. Maybe I needed the break, but at the same time I wish I didn't let go of something that is just part of me and what I do.

Time spent on something you love is never time wasted. And no amount of notes, likes, reblogs or whatever should dictate the value of that. If you want to draw then keep drawing! If you want to share that, then go ahead! Popularity doesn't happen overnight, but you don't need to be popular to enjoy drawing.

[missguomeiyun]

I’m back from Korea

I feel like October didn’t happen at all .. but at the same time, it happened & it happened too quickly =/

I was away for 2.5 weeks in Korea, & then when I came back, it was a mini series of night shifts so I practically did nothing. .. & by the time I realized it, it was Halloween & I was working evening shifts so I didn’t go out. O_O it has been 1 crazy month. But November is here now, & things are returning back to normal: my vacation withdrawal is over, & I have some “normal” combo of shifts, & it’s time to say bye-bye to the hot weather. It’s gonna be great~

Okay, let’s be real: I’m never “over” a Korea trip lol the other day, I was really craving that budae jjigae. The struggle was real. So I made it for lunch ^^

For my 1st return post, I’ve decided to keep things simple & just share a brief summary of my 2.5 week-long trip with you!

Day 1-4: I stayed at my usual Seoul home, Namsan Hill Hotel. I was unable to book a longer stay at this place =( These 1st few days, I revisited some places in Seoul: Namdaemun (for hand-cut noodles called “kalguksu”); Sinchon/Ewha Womens Univ area/Hongik Univ area for shopping & ; Gyeongbokgung area for Tongin Market & some art museums; Insadong/Samcheongdong/Bukchon Hanok Village for some relaxing strolls around traditional Korean housing. Some new places I went to include:

- a cafe called “Kopi Han-yak-bang” (lit. trans.: “coffee Korean pharmacy”). Look it up! It’s super cool! The owner believes coffee has a healing power, just like traditional herbal medicine, so the cafe is like a vintage herbal medicine shop/pharmacy. It feels as if you’re entering a movie set rather than a cafe.

- The Skyfarm for brunch! Pretty place with amazing view of Seoul.

- Seongsu area for industrial warehouse cafes. It was a valuable & memorable experience bcos Seongsu used to be an area for large factories (making of leather products & shoes, & car-fixing shops), but it’s revitalizing & the large factory spaces are now being converted to hip coffeeshops. Many of which do collabs with local/emerging artists & fashion designers so there’s lots of artsy things to see in these coffeeshops.

- Seoul Forest. There’s like a picnic area, some basketball & tennis courts, walking trails, etc. .. I had a convenience store goods dinner in the picnic area, & watched the sunset there.

Day 5-8: I moved over to Savoy Hotel located in the heart of Myeongdong. It’s ~15min walk away from Namsan Hill Hotel. Great location but also quite loud. My options were slim when I was booking stuff, & I needed to stay close to Seoul Station bcos I arranged 4x 1-day trips! I didn’t realize it at first but then I was like, “I have 4 back-to-back day trips right now.” I was essentially out every day from like 0700h to 2100h.

Trip 1: Paju~ for Heyri Art Village & Provence. I have been to these places before & really liked it so I went back, esp Heyri Art Village. After the day trip, I met up with 2 of my coworkers for K-BBQ in the Hapjeong area.

Trip 2: Jeonju~ I only went to 1 place in Jeonju & that was the Jeonju Hanok Village. It was raining all day that day. However, it was still very enjoyable. The village was a beautiful place, & under the rain, it looked even more picturesque.

Trip 3: Incheon~ for Incheon Chinatown & Wolmido, which is an island connected to Incheon via a highway. Due to its close proximity to China, Incheon became a major port for trades back in the day, & the Chinese immigrants basically settled here, hence it’s the largest Chinatown in Korea. I met up with my friend Ji Yoon in Chinatown & we spent some time catching up.

Trip 4: Gangneung~ For the annual Gangneung Coffee Festival; its title was “Voices of Coffee” this year! It was held at the Gangneung Olympic Ice Arena. I can’t recall how many shots of coffee samples I had that day, but it was a lot. I also went to the Anmok Coffee Street, which is a line of cafes along Anmok Beach - all the cafes face the beach so the view is pretty. Even more so on the day I went bcos it was cloudy =]

Day 9: remained in Seoul today. Went to the Seoul Botanic Garden, which opened its doors in May 2019. Very pretty displays~ Huuuuuge space too. It was like Telus World x Muttart Conservatory x Devonian Botanic Garden. Lots to see, & if you go, allot more time for yourself here. & then in the evening, I camped out by Yeouido Hangang Park for the annual Seoul International Fireworks Festival, which was named “Life is Colourful” this year. So many ppl! I was expecting that before going but it was beyond my imagination. It was truly an experience- the streets were blocked off for pedestrian traffic & literally, it took like 10mins to move 5meters after the show as over! Then at the subway station nearby, there was a bottleneck, where apparently the capacity inside the underground station was reached so we needed to wait outside the exit.. . still, it was fun!

Day 10-12: 1 way train ticket to Busan. Yes, train to Busan ;) I was safe though hehe Busan was beautiful! In hindsight, I should’ve spent more time here but . .. NEXT TIME! I went to BIFF Square & Gukje Market, which was like across from my hotel, Stanford Inn Busan. Gamcheon Cultural Village was super cute; although I would hate being a resident there =/ The Busan Int’l Film Festival was happening then, & I visited the Expo & Convention Centre for the film market. Can’t go into the exhibition, but that whole area was filled with ads/posters of BIFF - it was a big deal! It was cool to witness such a big event & to experience the sheer scale of it. I then went to Shinsegae Centum City, which is the largest shopping complex in the world.  Haeundae Beach was also cool. I went on a cloudy day & it was awesome! That same evening/night, I checked out the Jagalchi Fish Market, which is the largest seafood market in Korea. It has 7 floors total, with 3 underground parking levels :O On the last day, bcos I only had the morning available to do stuff, I had Busan fish cake for breakfast & strolled in BIFF Square again.

*Note: I actually hit all the things on my itinerary EXCEPT for the Busan Museum of Art, which was closed on Mondays =( but the security guy let me in to see the lobby bcos he knew I was a tourist. Thank you!

Day 13-17: Flew from Busan Airport to Jeju Airport. I used more time than needed for the whole process- turned out foreigners have their own line at the Busan Airport, so it’s faster than locals. There’s also a domestic terminal & international terminal, so from arrival to being checked in & through security.. . it took less than 25mins. It was great! In regards to Jeju, I did the following:

- stayed in Jeju City for the arrival afternoon/evening, with my hotel being Astar Hotel. Had a street food dinner at Dongmun Market; they were having this night market/festival event so a bunch of street food stalls were open from 7pm-midnight. Smelled like heaven haha

- I did my 1st hike ever on Hallasan Mountain, specifically the Gwaneunsa Trail, & I reached the peak. It was.. . hard. I can’t say I particularly enjoyed it; however, it has proven to me that I am a land person, & I belong in museums, cafes, & street walking lol. Look up the details of the trail! Was it ambitious of me to go on this for my 1st hike ever. .. without any hiking gear? I went with what some ppl would consider gym shoes, a hoodie, leggings, & a backpack with water, juice, kimbaps, 2 bananas, 6 mandarins, & some snacks (cheese crisps & pineapple cream-flavoured crackers).

- The day after the hike, my legs were still okay. But it was my glut that was starting to get sore XD I went to Osulloc Tea Museum & Innisfree Jeju House. The aesthetics <3

- Went to Black Pig Street for black pig bbq. I was hoping a restaurant or two was taking solo-diners & thankfully, the 2nd restaurant I asked did! I ordered pork neck instead of pork belly - it was quite tender & kinda chewy, actually. Later that evening, I went to the Tamra Cultural Festival 2019. It was neat~ There was an outdoor night market, as well as a stage for cultural dance/play/music.

- Jeju Island is actually quite small, & it takes approx. an hour from 1 side of the island to the other side. Thus, for my 3rd (full) day, I went to the Jungmun (Jeju City is north of the island; Jungmun is south coast) & visited the Yellow Cafe, Chocolate Land, Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum, & Yeomiji Botanical Garden.

- From Jungmun, I took a local bus to Lee Jong Seop Street in Seogwipo, the next city over. The street is very pleasant & chill, with artwork along the street, coffeeshops & eateries, as well as little gift shops. Totally my thing! It reminds me Bukchon Hanok Village in terms of vibe, but minus the traditional housing look. The Seogwipo Olle Market is nearby, & is a great place to buy Jeju souvenirs. The pricing, I heard/read, is cheaper than Dongmun Market in Jeju City - it is true! There are also less tourists here, which was what made it enjoyable for me, personally.

- Only the morning on my last day was free for activities bcos my flight to Seoul was early afternoon. I visited the area around Jeju City Hall, which was ~20min walk from my hotel. It was a very leisurely morning, where I sat down & enjoyed coffee at Coffee Finder & had a build-your-own-ramen bowl at a place nearby. The architecture of Coffee Finder was unique; it used to be a 2-floor house, with like a driveway/sidewalk. But the ummm first floor ceiling/second floor flooring was knocked down so there’s a “hole” in the middle of the cafe. The cafe has very homely vibes as the placement of tables/chairs are in what was (at one point) rooms of the house. It’s open but also you can get some privacy at the same time.

Day 17-18: Back to Seoul, & stayed at Namsan Hill Hotel~ Itaewon is a must! I need to go to Passion 5 every time lol. & I also revisited the Leeum Samsung Museum of Art bcos I like it. & then I had my last day as a “free” day, where I didn’t plan ANYTHING. I’m a very intense planner & when I go on trips, I literally plan to the minute haha & guess what, I ended up in Hongdae. Honestly, it’s my kinda place. Sadly, the transportation situation there isn’t convenient for the rest of my itinerary, or else I would choose a hotel that’s in the vicinity. I nearly spent 2.5 hrs at Coin Su Noraebang haha I realized that if you score high enough, time gets added to your paid time :O I can’t let that go to waste =P

There ya go, Korea 2019!

PS: I haven’t decided what/how I’m gonna go about posting my trip. .. There are wayyyy too many photos & it will take me a million yrs to write/upload. Perhaps expect unexpected Korea posts scattered between my regular posts :P I will, however, share with you the coffees I’ve had in Korea. I tried diff ones, from franchise to small local cafes, adventurous flavours & the typical black Americano. I didn’t have any poor experiences but there was 1 particular one that I will likely never order again - tbh, I should’ve expected it but I still went for it anyway *shrugs* so I guess it was all my fault haha ok, I’ll ttyl~!

[oh-the-places-kalika-willl-go]

Loneliness

I’ve been feeling lonely and resentful lately. I lost a big group of friends about 6-7 years ago and honestly I’ve never been the same socially. For years I tried to just keep my distance from people. Sometimes I would let a person get closer and let my guard down and whenever I did that I would either get fucked over, my trust would get broken or it would turn out that the person never liked me. This happened countless times. I’ve been losing “friends” left and right. For the last few years, I’ve been super lonely. I feel like I don’t have the kind of close friends that I need to be happy. Being as I am a very social and outgoing person, I need meaningful social interactions to feel sane. I need the “ride or die” type of friends that you can call at 4am crying and freaking out. The type of friends that will lose sleep to make you feel better. I don’t know if my expectations are too high. This is the kind of friend that I am. I am there for my friends no matter what, maybe it’s too much to ask from someone? IDK.  I don’t need a ton of friends. I just need a handful of friends that will have my back.

I have one friend that I used to be super close with. Our relationship changed a lot when she started living with her boyfriend. She prioritizes her boyfriend over everything. She mainly hangs out with his friends. I don’t think she has friends apart from me that she didn’t make through her boyfriend. I’m normally her last choice for company. The only time she plans anything with me is when her boyfriend is working and she does not have any plans. I understand that she wants to see him and spend time with him. It’s important to make time for your significant other. What bugs me is even when we are hanging out she rushes home to see him as soon as he’s done work. Sometimes she will come over for a couple of hours, wait around till he’s done work and then leave immediately to meet up with him. In the meantime when we do hangout, he will call a minimum of once per hour for at least 10mins to talk. As soon as he calls, she will drop everything, she will stop in the middle of an important conversation and go off to talk to him. It’s kind of ridiculous. I’ve just been getting frustrated at her and the situation. I no longer prioritize hanging out with her. I leave her as the last option now. I’m tired of running after her. Most of the time I just spend time with Keith and let it be. I realize I need new friends, but meeting people that I get along with and that also like me has been a challenge.

I started a new job a few months ago and I have co-workers that I absolutely adore. I thought maybe I can get close with them.  I thought I was getting closer to them, but it seems like maybe that was in my head. It got weird after one of them (Sophie) invited me out to get pedicures done with two other co-workers (Cassandra and Lana). I said I was working that night so I wasn’t sure if I would want to do anything before work, but to keep me posted. Anyways, Sophie never got back to me and when I saw the three of them a few days later they didn’t mention anything about them going, so I ended up asking Sophie if they had went and she got a bit uncomfortable and said yes. She then went on to explain that she remembered me saying that I was working and that I wouldn’t be able to make it anyways. I said not to worry about it. Now, I know I said that maybe I would go, but I wasn’t sure and just to let me know what was going on. It’s possible that there was a misunderstanding, but then I thought why would she get weird when I asked her if they had gone.

Ever since then, I notice Sophie is a lot more distant. I used to be the closest to her. Normally, during our shifts she would walk around and come say hi and just check-in (our offices are next to one another). While she does still do that, it’s a lot less frequent than she used to and she only comes to talk to me when no one else is around.

I’ve been trying to ignore these changes thinking that maybe I’m just really paranoid (which I am). Tonight Sophie and Cassandra plus a bunch of other co-workers were planning to go have some drinks after their shifts. No one told me about it, which is odd. For one, I wouldn’t have been able to go even if I wanted to because I work night shifts (I finish work at 7am) and they end their shifts hours before mine (they normally finish at 12:30am). Sophie only mentioned that they were going out when I pointed out that her shift was done ages ago and then asked her why she hadn’t left. She again got really uncomfortable and let me know that she was waiting for Cassandra to finish her work because they had plans to go out for drinks with other the co-workers after their shift. She then goes well you can stop by for a drink during your lunch break if you’d like. She said it to be polite. Not to mention, why would I waste my lunch break on going to a bar for 30-40mins. I didn’t know what to think. It was just very weird. I had been talking here and there to both Cassandra and Sophie all throughout my shift. Neither of them mentioned anything about going out.

I know this all may be in my head and that I’m probably overthinking all of this. I know my anxiety has the tendency of getting the best of me, maybe all this has nothing to do with me. It’s 100% possible, but I’ve also gotten hurt in the past so I know that I need to tread lightly.

For now, I’m just going to let it be and see how things go. I’m going to try to not overthink things. I’d rather just focus on myself and learn to be self-reliant. I want to be able to be happy being alone rather than chasing after people that don’t want me around anyways. I really need to learn to just do my own thing. I think I rely too much on other people to make me feel good and that is way too much power that I’m giving to other people.

[noctomania]

Case #1:

My manager made the choice to have me do 2 full detail tours instead of 1 full & 1 semi. taking 2 full tours lands me behind the schedule i would meet if i did 1 full and 1 semi. I did my tours in the normal allotted time (2 hours each) and got to my post around 4am and waited to be relieved for my final break which would normally be at 5am. In the past he had told me I needed to go on my break at around 5. It was well past 5am probably 10mins so I called my manager to relieve me. He said I was late to my post so i had to wait because supposedly he was still on his break. Mind you they do nothing all night unless someone calls or i find something to concern them with. Further, I was not late to my post. So not only was he denying me my break at the time he had told me to take it he was also claiming that i was late which was factually wrong. it wasn’t but 5mins later that he relieved me so i’m not sure what exactly was the problem with relieving me when i should have been relieved. It felt as though I was being held accountable for his choices.

Case #2

We have a fire panel that occasionally (often) have “nuisance alarms” (mind you i think it’s fucked they allow for there to be anything considered just a nuisance alarm on a panel meant for emergencies but nobody gets it fixed.anyway) Often times “fire group” will come by to check on it and even though we are in lock down from 11-7 we will let them in. Normally the procedure would be i call base let them know fire group is there & then i have like 5 other things i gotta do for this literal 2 min visit. I gotta check their id their virus check make sure to sign them in & that they have a mask. Meanwhile they will show up and start pounding on the door so I’m already feeling rushed and the last thing I want to deal with is them breaking the door by pulling on it.

Because my coworker failed to tell me she was going on break, when i called base there was no response. Our dept usually operates under the protocol that if you hear the radio go off & there is no response, if you can serve the roll then pick up the call. So I was operating under that assumption so that instead of calling more just to get no response i figured well if nobody is responding nobody is listening so i move on to do the rest of my job. Right after fire group leaves my manager calls me to tell me that he watched what happened and to tell me what i did wrong. He admitted that he heard the radio heard there was no response, checked the cams to see nobody was in base & to see what i was doing. He sat there for about 5 mins just watching on the cameras instead of picking up the radio to let me know i had back up. He chose to neglect his responsibility as a “team player” to take the opportunity to chastise me. All I did “wrong” was not make a second call and not walk the guy to the door (which is not what i should do if im assuming im alone bc nobody is watching over me)

Case #3

Normally our last breaks are at around 5am. Because of how our manager has set the schedule up it ends up being a very short time between lunch and our last break so if it’s a schedule like that i will wait until a bit after 5 til i take my last break. Today I last track and at 530 my coworker said she was taking her break and then instead of letting me go to my break she just went to a task we have on odd days which forced me to have to take my break after 6am. I had asked her before she went if i could go to my break and she said no she had to go to the house right then. So I just had no choice but to sit there and not get my break. He called me when i got back to criticize me for taking my break after 6am. (Which mind you is realistically a non-issue that he turns into an issue when he’s bored)  I told him what she had told me and he went on his fucking soapbox - he has a bad tendency to be long-winded and it inevitably pisses me off more bc he will draw up strawmen and get exceptionally redundant. So i start off saying ok look this is what coworker told me and asked him for clarification. He told me to tone down. He claimed i was screaming. I was not screaming. I told him do not tone police me. Just because he had a tendency to mumble does not mean i am screaming. You can also turn down the volume on the phone if i talk loud. I project my voice so as to be heard clearly. I was asking for clarification on a statement he supposedly made because my coworker did not seem clear on the direction either. I’m still not confident my manager even knows what he said bc he doesn’t remember jack shit. He even referenced the case #1 & LIED OUTRIGHT ABOUT IT. Claiming that he’s never had an issue with me calling him to relieve me when in fact the ONLY time I ever called him to relieve me he DID have an issue and refused to relieve me until he was ready to.

I’m so fucking sick of this man. He does NOT do his job. He fills out the dispatch log at the top of the night and doesn’t touch it again for the rest of the shift. He ignores alarms. He sleeps (you can literally hear it in his voice when we wake him with the radio or the phone). He delegates everything he can and if he isn’t shirking responsibility he’s micromanaging. He has piss-poor communication skills. The only time he talks to me is to tell me what I’m doing wrong or to do something else. No appreciate, hardly even greets me. When he first came to this place he was like “oh im human first im not your boss im your manager we’re a team imma get yall pizza every month”blah blah blah. All lies. Fucking pandering pos. He’s one of the worst managers i’ve had. There was another scenario that was removed from all this (though it was another case of him not doing his job) where he said and i quote “I just dont want it to land on me”. He will do whatever it takes to not be responsible for his own actions and choices. But the accountability has to fall somewhere so where does it land? The bottom line. Of everyone on our shift I am the lowest paid & most overworked. The only way to get higher pay is to take 40hours out of my life to “train” for a job I already do. Which in part during that training would require me work time outside my shift. Even though I literally never pick up shifts.

I don’t even know what to do anymore bc it’s not like the union can do anything. I’ve complained about him to them before and all they can do is send a message that we need to be treated equally which isn’t done anyway and still nobody cares. I’m exhausted emotionally. I have been working through this pandemic both dealing with assholes who wont wear their masks when im walking to or from work and dealing with my institution trying to impose a fucked up method that is less about safety and more about presentation (tryin to force people to replace their masks with masks that have been sitting out around people who aren’t wearing masks - i responsibly refused to put on the potentially infected mask & keep my own on). The only comfort i get is being home. I’m just tired of being made to feel like i’m doing shit wrong when i know im not. I have a hard time biting my tongue bc this shit keeps building up.

whats more is i would take time off but idk how much time i have available bc they have it only accessible either by asking a manager or through an app one of SEVERAL ive had to download bc of this fucking institution which the password ive since forgotten bc i have like 39752 passwords a this fuckin point. And i dont want to fucking talk to managers any more than absolutely necessary. There is all of one manager i actually trust. there is another that is kinda cool but shes pretty new and i worry shes just trying to appeal to me the way the other manager did with the whole “im human first” bs & she’s buddy with that manager so

anyway i fucking hate that place and those people and wish them all a very merry fuck you hope they get a flat tired or lose their car entirely or stub every single fucking toe twice. Managers are the most useless position in any place ever. Get a real job you bums.

[christinaengela]

Hello friends and fans!

Welcome to my 46th newsletter – October 2020!

On A Personal Note

September was a fairly quiet, uneventful month… actually, no… who am I kidding? There were a few things that made September an interesting and busy month! Aside from the editing work I’ve been doing on the sideline, I also had to undertake the Herculean task of migrating my website from WordPress.com’s hosting to a new home. The newly migrated site is pretty much sorted out now, but if you find any glitches, like broken links or missing images etc. please do let me know! I also added a ecommerce functionality to the site – now that I’m able to use plugins – and visitors can buy eBooks direct from the shop page now without having to go to other online shops – isn’t that nice? 🙂

On the social side, I had a brilliant email interview with fellow South African author Simon Corn this past month, you can read that from the link further along!

Further afield, I indulged my love for woodworking this past few weeks, and finally got round to building that bookshelf I longed for to complete the feel of the ‘study’ corner of our lounge! As you can see in the photo, it’s in the corner (which makes it stronger – a must to hold all that weight haha) and it’s filled with an array of some of my favorite books – fiction and non-fiction! Our Star Wars collection of memorabilia fills the gaps quite nicely too! The shelf above the window is home to the bulk of my collection of antique telephones, and beneath the shelf – on a cupboard you can barely see in the photo – are two antique typewriters, a 1939 Remington, and a 1952 Olivetti, both in good working order!

This year’s almost over – and with the entirety of the last week of September being taken up by my website migration, I’m looking at the remainder of 2020 a little bleary-eyed! I still have some work left in the writing department for this year – aside from the editing projects I’m doing for clients – and as always, I’ll keep you posted on my progress!

Moving on, let’s take a look at the usual list of goodies!

Art

I also indulge in painting from time to time – and no, I don’t mean walls! The following paintings are in my portfolio:

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2017_Human Nature A4 acrylic canvas

20200620_Balancier A2 acrylic canvas

20200628_Rescuer A2 acrylic canvas

20200705_The Awakening A2 acrylic canvas

20200712 The Earth Wept 40x40cm acrylic canvas

You can read more about my art projects on the Art page.

What do you think of them? Feel free to let me know!

Music

Yes – I also make music from time to time!

A selection of music tracks I made using eJay and other similar apps between 1999 – 2008 are available on my YouTube channel.

You can read more on the Music page on my website!

Activism

For those of you interested in my activism-related posts and activities, you can follow them at “Sour Grapes: The Fruit Of Ignorance“.

Current Writing Projects 

For the past few weeks, I’ve been dividing my time between performing editing and formatting work for Moon Books Publishing, and writing new material for Galaxii Book 4, which I haven’t formally named just yet! Operating under the working title of “Dreams of Innocence” – from an old draft I’d worked on a long time ago and which set the background foundation of this otherwise entirely new story – this book will once again be looking at the Corsair menace.

Set a short time after the collapse of the Corsair home world Meradinis, the story focuses on the starship I.S.S. Munray – a ship crewed by ill-disciplined misfits barely one step away from court-martial and dismissal, filled with bitterness, resentment and axes to grind with anyone in authority – and the Captain’s the worst of the lot! His career has soured and he ‘works the system’ to get himself removed from command and assigned to an easy desk job at a starbase – but the powers that be have other plans…

A new Captain is assigned in place of the malingering Captain Polluk – a young, ambitious up-and-coming and capable officer – and Sonia LaBelle is the literal new broom! She manages to overcome all the obstacles in her path; a ship in a poor state of repair, an uncooperative senior staff, negative hopeless crewmembers – in time to meet the deadline set by Vice-Admiral Beens.

Meanwhile, a couple of extremely dangerous high profile Corsair convicts escape from an isolated, virtually escape-proof prison complex, which sets the cat among the pigeons! The Munray is diverted from a routine space patrol to pursue the escaped Corsairs, an exercise which will push the already strained interpersonal relations among the crew – and between the crew and its new Captain – to the limit!

At least, that’s more or less the broad overview of the fourth book in the Galaxii series! I’m quite excited about it, since I haven’t really worked on that series since I last revised all the titles back in 2018! Book 4 doesn’t feature any of the characters of the previous books (at least not as yet) but I might still be looking at drawing in one or two later, I’ll see how the story progresses and where it takes me!

Editing

I recently completed editing “Avenging Aranis” by UK writer Steve McElhenny – a sci-fi tale for Moon Books – and the first part of a trilogy! Currently I’m editing “The Darkness Within Me”, a dark fantasy novel by South African author Anya Louw, also for Moon Books.

I’ve also recently started offering my editing services on a freelance basis to interested parties. More about that here.

Marketing – The Dreaded “M” Word! 

Portfolio 2020!

I thought it would be nice if I could produce a neat, organized catalog of all my books that interested parties could download and browse – a free, distributable and shareable catalog, and so I created “Portfolio 2020!” – a listing of all my currently available titles!

Portfolio is more than that though, because it also contains a biography as well as synopses for most of my titles – and I have a plan to update it regularly, perhaps on an annual basis! Portfolio 2020 is available as a free download from my website.

Videos

I’ve nothing new to show you here this time, but feel free to browse through the videos on my YouTube video channel!

Sales

Sales for September have been holding a constant trend, with figures for 2020 indicating that I’ve already doubled the total for 2019! Things have been slow in progressing, but at least they’ve been consistent, with a gradual improvements across the board – accompanied by an increase in distribution as well as with the addition of external marketing on the part of my publisher, Moon Books Publishing, who’ve been doing their own marketing of my titles! That tells me things will get better!

Additionally, having migrated my website to a new hosting service (where I can actually install plugins!!!) I’ve installed ecommerce and set up direct purchasing options for interested visitors, so I’ll let you know how that goes next time!

Publishing

These are the books I’ve released so far this year!

Between January and September 2020 I released eight new titles! Of these, two – “Duck Blind” and “The Next Room” have been replaced by one combined title, “Mirror, Mirror” which includes both of them. Of course, this reduces my count back to 30 again – but when you already have 30 or so books to your name, what’s one here or there?

New Releases:

I’ve nothing new to show you here this time!

Audiobooks

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“Malice” (2020)

On September 11, 2020, “Malice!” was released as an audiobook, narrated by Michelle Innes!

“Malice!” is a collection of my horror tales. Read more about the book.

Details:

Published: June 25, 2019, audiobook September 11, 2020.

Words: 21770

Pages: (6×9 Paperback)

Duration: 02:10min (audiobook narrated by Michelle Innes)

Book Trailer Video:

Buy now: eBook Paperback Audiobook

Coming Soon

In the meantime, here’s a look at the covers for hot new audiobooks currently in the pipeline:

Stay tuned for updates!

Reviews

You can see all my previous reviews here.

Currently Available Titles

I now have 30 unique titles available in 4 series (not including books I’ve been the editor for, and my 16 free promotional items)! My books are available in three different formats: EBooks, Paperbacks and Audiobooks. Click the links or images below to view titles available in these formats.

Communication

Below are links to a few of my most recent posts and articles since my last newsletter:

Now You Can Buy EBooks Direct From Christina Engela Dot Com!

The Last Post! Please Subscribe To My New Website! 🙂

New Website For Christina Engela Dot Com!

New Release: “Malice!” – The Audiobook!

Indie Copy Editing Services Offered!

Another Round At The Crow Bar #45 September 2020

If you want to see more articles, just click on the category links below:

Elements of Horror

FAQ Answered

Fun Facts

LGBT Heroes

The Tech Side

Secret Weapons of the Resistance

Writing Advice

Guest Writers

Newsletters

Interactions

Fan Mail, Reader Reviews & Honorable Mentions

I have the following awesome items to show you this month!

I found this share of one of my articles “A Treatise On The Psychic Abilities Of The Common House Fly” on Odd Mag from February 02, 2020.

“Christina Engela is an excellent editor. She helped me open my mind to a different perspective, to see my work through the eyes of the reader. Most importantly she taught me more about writing than any teacher in my entire 12 years of education! I’d rate her at 100 out of 10!” – Anya Louw, author of “The Darkness Within Me” and “Normanwood” (Aug 28, 2020).

“I recently had the pleasure of an editorial experience with Ms. Engela. As an entry level author and with some trepidation, I submitted work to Ms. Engela for editing, uncertain of what to expect from the process. Ms. Engela read and corrected my work. Her approach is professional, encouraging yet precisely on point. There was not ever a need to query the work she did on my script. I was also particularly impressed with her turn around time. I would strongly recommend her editorial services and I look forward to a time when I can work with her again.” – Cedar J. Lockheart, author of “Skinwalker” (Aug 28, 2020).

“In running Moon Books Publishing I know the value of a good proofreader and editor. Christina is a proven author who has released over 30 books, so she knows the ins and outs of writing. I’ve discovered that not only is she witty, bright and verbose in her writing, but she is also meticulous and professional in her proofreading and editing skills. You won’t find a more professional proofreader and editor than Christina. That is why I will ALWAYS choose her to handle proofreading and editing at Moon Books Publishing.” – Brandon Mullins, publisher, CEO Moon Books Publishing (Aug 29, 2020).

A fantastic, swashbuckle through space. “While Fantasy is my primary love in literature, I have always enjoyed a good science fiction yarn and when this one came to me via the narrator I figured it may just satisfy an itch I’d been having of late.

Sheesh, where to start with this book? Simply put, it has everything! There’s adventure, space battles, fistfights, pirates and, of course. romance.

The story revolves around Mykl, ex-combat pilot turned down-on-his-luck cargo captain who begins the book afloat in space after most of his crew, for reasons unknown, mutiny and fly off in the ships sole shuttle. Shortly afterwards the starships drive explodes, killing his two remaining crew and leaving him marooned in deep space with no hope of survival. That is, until a ship full of marines rescues him from certain death only to then get into a battle with a ship full of space pirates, Mykl has to rely on his military training to survive and capture the dreaded Blackhart!

It’s only now that things really start to get bad when his military contract is reactivated and he’s tasked with a critical, possibly suicidal mission into enemy territory.

Every primary character in the book, from Mykl to Ripley and Blackhart himself are extremely well fleshed out, interesting and fantastically voiced by Nigel Peever, each given a real sense of identity and more than a little snark. In addition to the reading, there is the addition of sound effects and some incidental music which is just enough to add atmosphere without distracting from the reading like often can happen with this in audiobooks.

There’s so much in this story that I could talk about but I don’t want to spoil anything but do strongly suggest that, if you like Buck Rogers, Firefly or Pirate stories you give this book a go as I thoroughly enjoyed everything it had to offer.” – Ryan Pascal review “Blachart” Audible UK, August 29, 2020.

“Christina performed a fantastic editing service for my novel. I was blown away by the pace she worked at, her accuracy, and the improvements she made. It would be no understatement to say she went above and beyond what I expected and was incredible value for the more than reasonable cost for her services. I look forward to using Christina again in the future as I know I’ll be in safe hands.” – Steve McElhenny, author of “Avenging Aranis” (Sept 07, 2020).

“Blachart. A good read. Well written good story line. Well narrated. All in all a good listen.” – Richard Davis, Audible UK, “Blachart”, September 09, 2020.

Spotted on the internets… Brandon Mullins of Moon Books Publishing made and shared this awesome meme to market my audiobooks:

Quotefancy shared a quote by me, found on September 22:

I display my Fan Mail, Reviews & Compliments with pride, gratitude and humility. You’re always welcome to have a look.

Hate Mail & Horrible Mentions

I’m rather proud of my hate mail, and you can review my collection here – but be forewarned, don’t do it while eating or drinking, or you might choke while laughing!

Apparently I’m unhinged and need help? LMAO… Oh, won’t someone please help me?

Interviews

A Moment With Christina Engela – I had an interview with Simon Corn on his author blog – it went live on September 28.

All my interviews are linked to from this page. If you would like to do an interview with me about my work, please do get in touch!

In Closing

Well, that’s all for this time, folks! 🙂

Thanks again for all your support, friendship and interaction!

Feel free to email or message me via Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn if you have any comments or questions!

Until next time, keep reading!

Cheers! 🙂

Catch me on social media!

Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn | Academia | Minds | Instagram | GoodReads | Author’s Database | Library Thing | YouTube | Pintrest | Stage32 | The Book Marketing Network

If you would like to know more about Christina Engela and her writing, please feel free to browse her website.

If you’d like to send Christina Engela a question about her life as a writer or transactivist, please send an email to christinaengela@gmail.com or use the Contact form.

Show your appreciation for Christina’s work!

All material copyright © Christina Engela, 2020.

Another Round At The Crow Bar #46 October 2020 Hello friends and fans! Welcome to my 46th newsletter - October 2020!

[gamestoryuk]

Archive Post: Making a game writing portfolio

Post-migration note: this was the very first of the advice posts I did, way back in late 2014, in response to an email I got from someone I met at the Dublin Writer’s Festival. There’s nothing in here that I now disavow, exactly, but there are certainly things which I would phrase or emphasise differently. 

For a start, back then I was still mainly a studio writer, which gives you a certain perspective on this stuff. itch.io barely existed. It was the “year of Luigi”. Look, it was a strange time.

I’ve since replied to a whole lot more questions like this, eventually under the tag Cairn Questions. But this was the original, which might explain why it’s a bit all over the place, a mite over-thorough, expansive let’s call it. 

This was me setting out my stall for something which I still believe: that it should be possible for a talented writer to make a decent living in this industry, either pursuing their own artistic vision or as a 9-to-5 story engineer. Sometimes, it feels like it’s no easier now than it was back then, but a glance at the indie games lists gives me faith. 

So let’s get into it.

Say I was making a video game, primarily to have something to show when I apply for writing-internships at game studios. What would be better suited: a completely text-based game, such as the ones made with inklewriter (do-your-own-adventure-type), or a game that also incorporates visual elements?

Obviously, these are two completely different methods of story-telling. Both have their merits. The question at heart is: Would studios want to see that I know how to tell stories visually, game-ly, or is it enough to write a very, very good branching story?

My thoughts on this are below. 10min read!

I got this question from someone who’d been to a panel I did at the Dublin Writers’ Festival, and who was wondering how best to apply to some internship oppotunities. It’s fairly specific, but it kind of raises a lot of the things that I wondered about myself, when I was first starting out. Answering the question turned into kind of a screed! So I thought I’d post this response in edited form in the hope that it’s useful to others. 

Disclaimer: In case it’s not clear, my own career is really just starting out (hope so anyway), and I definitely can’t pretend to be a true veteran. But I’ve had the good fortune to work as a writer both within studios and as a freelancer, and I’ve been in the unenviable position of having to hire writers myself. The following suggestions are based on what I looked for in other writers, or based on questions that I myself have been asked while applying for jobs.

Firstly, it’s great to hear that you might have some internship opportunities. Most game production schedules have very little margin for error, and when it comes right down to it, most studios tend to want to hire someone with some kind of track record, any kind of track record. And this, naturally, is inherently unfair on people just starting out, of course.

If you’re talking to a studio who’s prepared to take a risk on a new writer, then to me that’s a really good sign: that’s a studio that’s prepared to invest in younger professionals, and they will get fresh, interesting writing as a reward. But it doesn’t happen too often as far as I know.

(By the way, I’m not necessarily talking about ‘experience’ in terms of total years spent writing. Part of the problem is that studios are likely to look for writers with experience working to a similar tone to the game they’re making (e.g. “military” or “fantasy”) or for someone with experience writing for a similar audience, (e.g. kids). This doesn’t necessarily mean that as a starting writer you need to pick a genre to specialise in, but it can be useful to point to writing samples from a relevant genre, even if that’s as vague as ‘sci-fi’.)

Applying for an internship, on the other hand, you’ll hopefully have more scope to show off how original or self-starting you are, even if you don’t have much of a portfolio yet. Which is great! I’m glad that companies are doing that sort of thing, to be honest. It’s the kind of thing I’d be trying to set up if I was still full-time at a studio.

So let’s get into it.

Answering this it depends a lot on what skills you already have. If you’re intending to learn the skills to develop something with a strong visual element, then great, you won’t ever regret it (this is true even if you’re talking about learning the skills to implement other people’s art. Being able to make something visual can be as simple as becoming skilled enough with Unity to utilise a library of other people’s art.) 

BUT if you don’t have these skills now, this will take time to learn, time in which you might be able to make three or four high-quality twine games or other text-focused games, and hone your craft.

This is really about how best to present your work. Unfortunately, the fact is that anything with nice, well-done visual design looks impressive compared to something that’s text-only. (This is often true even if the person reading your application is a writer themselves.) Adding great visuals to an already-great story definitely won’t hurt your application, and it could help.

HOWEVER, that doesn’t necessarily mean that creating a bunch of visuals and UI is the best use of your time right now. Especially if it’s the difference between having one reasonably-polished visual game in your portfolio, and having two or three (or more) well-polished text games.

You should definitely operate on the principle of know your audience: if you’re fairly sure that your application will be reviewed by fellow writers, then visuals definitely will matter less. But it’s hard to know that in advance.

If this seems like a lot of guesswork, well, it kind of is. That’s the trouble with trying to join the least-professionalised profession in a still-young industry.

(Btw I DON’T mean ‘least-professionalised’ as in ‘game writers aren’t professional’. Actually any working game writer has to be extremely professional, not to mention flexible, to work within an industry with no standard format for portfolios, no established writer career path, and enormous variety from studio to studio in terms of working practice.

There are positives and negatives to this kind of flexibility of course, and the sheer variability of games as an artform compared to, say, movies, means that a lot of the writer’s craft will never be ‘standardized’. But it does make it a bloody difficult and mysterious process to get started as a game writer...)

So instead of guesswork, let’s first look at some of the other things I think you definitely SHOULD show off in your applications, visuals or no.

-

When I was a lead writer hiring other writers, the things that I looked for above all were:

a) style

and

b) something I don’t have a good word for yet: the ability to hold multiple story strands in your head at once, design your words and characters accordingly, and play out all the possibilities. So basically creative cognitive dissonance. Or, like, a fruitful, creative attitude to cognitive dissonance. 

(This, by the way gels pretty well with F. Scott Fitzgerald’s definition of a ‘first rate intelligence’: the ability to hold two contradictory ideas in your head at once.)

In this case I mean the ability to think something along these lines: “at this point in the game, my player might be thinking THIS. Or she might have ignored THIS altogether and be focusing on THAT”. 

Or, the ability to think “I need to write a sentence which expresses idea X, when the player MAY or MAY NOT have accessed related idea Y”. 

It’s like asking an actor to get onstage and start performing in the second half of a play, when they don’t know whether the first half was a comedy or a tragedy. Sometimes you need to make it as clear and unambiguous as possible what’s going on. And sometimes, you need to preserve the mystery for as long as possible.

Inklewriter/Twine and text games in general provide lots of opportunity to demonstrate both of these skills: style and let’s call it creative dissonance. Just look at Porpentine.

Whatever you choose to have in your portfolio, these are the things I think you should show off most of all. If you can do that in something that’s pure text, then do it, and link me to it when it’s done!

-

So with all that said, we still have to face the fact that a text game may not look too “shiny” in your portfolio. In an extremely competitive application process, something with a visual component will PROBABLY have a better chance of making a strong FIRST impression. The question is whether this extra margin is worth your time.

After all, if you’re a writer considering making a game all yourself, then doing something that has a strong visual component might just be an exercise in trying to show off something that isn’t your core skill.

Bear in mind that any game with a layout of any description requires a large amount of design skill to make properly. The simplicity of something like Papers, Please is part of the sheer amount of design skill which went into it. And if you make something that has really clunky interface or doesn’t work, then it will be a worse showcase for your writing than a nice clean Inkle interface or Twine page. 

(protip: you can always describe something as a “whitebox prototype”. This will cover up a whole range of problems, but remember there’s no disguising a crappy mechanic.)

Again, if you do have the technical aptitude to make an interface-driven game, then fantastic! But bear in mind that if you do, you are actually advertising yourself as a triple threat – writer, designer, coder. So the onus may be on you to emphasise that your real love is for writing.

Of course, there is absolutely no shame in not having the technical skills. In the last few years the industry has started entering a phase in which a person can have a major creative role in a game WITHOUT having come up through Code, Art, Tech Design or QA. That’s the only way I got my first jobs: I was lucky enough to come in as an editor when a studio knew they’d be working on a very wordy game, and I worked my way up from there.

To me this is a natural progression, in the same way that eventually Hollywood movies started being directed by people who only sort-of knew how to operate a camera, but who had more big-picture skills. For myself, I have no technical aptitude to speak of and am, let’s face it, absurdly lucky to be in a position of being a game writer in the first place, sitting here trying to sound all authoritative while giving you advice.

-

At this point, a voice in my ear is telling me that above all you should make the game that YOU want to make, rather than considering everything you do as a ‘portfolio piece’. The owner of that voice is right. Actually she hasn’t read your email or anything. She just comes into the room and tells me that on a regular basis, in between working on her own highly commercially-viable work, and pausing so that I can make her cups of tea.

-

Is there a third option, somewhere between the graphical choice and the text-only choice? Well, yeah, you could get involved in a project with other people. There’s plenty of ways to go about this, and you have the enormous advantage of having fairly niche skills (writing) and the ability to work completely remotely (Google Drive). 

Pretty much everyone who starts a bedroom-based indie game has a story they want to tell, and (in many cases) a slightly over-inflated sense of their own ability to tell it. Many startup devs with games posted on, say, Kickstarter, will appreciate a politely-worded email offering to help out with scripting, especially if you offer to do it pro bono. Try to avoid pointing out the actual typos in game dialogue in their Kickstarter video, unless it gets really drastic.

There are other options too: cruise co-working spaces or game jams and offer yourself as a general-purpose story person. I got my first job in games because, above all, I could spell. 

Bear in mind that with any of these enquiries you’ll have, like, a 10% hit rate at best. But it’s worth persevering if that’s the route you want to go down. Sooner or later you’ll find someone who’s up against a deadline, and when you offer to take the whole ‘dialogue’ issue off their shoulders, you’ll find your hand bitten off.

Any opportunity to contribute in some small way to a game which gets made is a good thing. 

If your aim is to make your own games, then the experience of scheduling, version management, and above all COMPROMISE will be invaluable. 

If your aim is to be a studio writer, then all the above will be useful, and in addition any kind of team project in your portfolio shows future employers you have survived the various rocky phases of a project roadmap, not had any really terrible tantrums, and demonstrated an ability to tailor your work to the changing needs of the project. And that’s what they’re looking for.

-

If you do choose to make a game with a group, then great. But bear in mind that, whether your job is ‘scriptwriter’ or ‘writer-designer’ or even ‘co-founder’, you will have to be EXTREMELY flexible when you have your writing hat on. You WILL have some big, beloved chunk of your writing cut from the game because of an unforeseen, unavoidable change, and you WILL have to stay late re-writing and re-recording a bunch of lines in order to change all references to something being ‘blue’ to ‘grey’, because apparently it’s easier to change all the words than to just make the damn thing blue in the first place.

(Yes this has happened to me.)

It’s important to understand that this is not necessarily because of hierarchy issues, (though in most studios, story is generally further down on the org chart than I’d like). But the fact is that story/dialogue is the most flexible element in a business surrounded by inflexible elements like time and money.

And to a certain extent, that’s as it should be. Rewrites ARE cheap and, compared to re-drawing or re-animating something, easy. Talk is, fundamentally, cheap. I don’t want to calculate how many five-dollar words you’d have to write before you equalled the dollar value of one second of traditional character animation. Further, changes to almost any ‘technical’ aspect of a game can potentially introduce errors which can appear unexpectedly elsewhere, and which may have to be tested and re-tested throughout the game. 

A change to dialogue, meanwhile, will at worst, introduce a continuity errors, which while annoying definitely won’t be making it to the top of any of those dreaded ‘top 10 most hilarious glitches’ lists.

-

All of this is the reason that valuing your own time is crucial once you do go professional. No-one else will do it for you.

In some cases, it’s only once you have spent time and money getting dialogue recorded that you, as a writer, will have any kind of leverage to say to your Producer that the script shouldn’t undergo some kind of last-minute change, or be cut entirely, subject to the needs of the schedule. Learning to use this kind of leverage will be essential if you want to work within a studio, produce great work, and stay sane.

And, even more important, will be learning when to dig your heels in, stand by your vision, and fight story’s corner. Some story changes are worth causing time and trouble for other team members. Sometimes a word is worth more than a thousand frames of animation. Picking which hill to die on is probably the most valuable skill you will need to be a studio game writer. And sometimes you will die on that hill; sometimes you won’t be listened to, and that’s when you need to start the difficult process of deciding who else deserves your skills more.

-

In short, I don’t have a helpfully definitive answer to your question. To a certain extent, it all comes down to what kind of person is reading your application. In the absence of any certainties, the advice I would always give is: play to your true strengths. Don’t apologise for not learning skills which don’t directly benefit the kind of job you want to do, and the kind of games you want to make. Make the kind of game you can see yourself making for a living.

The bottom line is this: having a flashy, shiny visual portfolio is useful, but having a smooth, highly-accessible portfolio is even more important. State clearly and plainly as early as possible what you can do, and what you want. Give your auditor the opportunity to see as much as possible of your work in a short time, with as few clicks as possible – include a one minute video clip summarising your work, as well as your carefully-crafted two-hour masterpiece. Don’t count on them playing through your demo - include a clip of your favourite story moment as well. 

Give whoever reads your application as much opportunity as possible to like you – especially if they’re just skimming it, or they’re having a bad day, or they don’t have time to play all your games. Flashy visuals work because they are accessible at-a-glance. Even if you have a purely text portfolio, if it is clearly laid out and user-friendly, you will be showing yourself off to the best.

Above all, good luck!

[kyandice]

I HATE SCHOOL

Im just prolly writing all my thoughts I’m having everyday.

Smol print: This is a post which i might edit everyday if i have the time, and its technically a very cheesy dairy.

(10/01/2017)

Maybe i just cant study at all. My PEM is now teaching me a module this semester and he’s asking me to pay more attention during classes. Thing is, i dont even talk in class. I’ve been trying so hard to concentrate in class but i just dont understand any fucking thing. Seems like i failed CEP and Mr Herman wants to meet me after PEM class.

Lol, and i wanted to skip PEM class so Bryan doesnt have to wait that long for me. And lmao idk where i placed my contact lens (it wasnt even in my bag). Without my contact lens im not gg to Tkd training. I hope my lenses are somewhere at home PLEASE. It would take me another 2 weeks for me to get my contacts after ordering it.

Okay whatever, back to me not being able to concentrate in class. So yeah, i just dont understand anything and i end up staring into blank space or maybe start daydreaming. I think i failed Inorganic Chem and Math too. Idk im just worried for myself and my GPA. ok no, im mot worried about myself. Im more worried about me failing 2 or more modules and my PEM has to meet my parents, it’s gna be a disaster. Im so gna be fucked up. I just have no motivation for everything else.

Its really hard juggling a relationship, studies and CCAs too. Okay, for my situation, it isn’t really that bad. But maybe after a long run, im really worried that it might turn out bad someday. Im like typing this as I’m nearly breaking down in lecture and im holding myself so hard back to stop tearing up. Maybe im just too fucking paranoid, i think too much i just overthink too much and i hate it, it screws me up. People ask me what i would actually do if he starts getting cold again. Maybe I’ll miss him too much and start getting detached from everything and stop having the motivation to study or do anything in particular altogether. But for now, he’s always waiting for me for like hours just to spend the time with me after classes and i feel really, really fucking bad.

Anyways, U talked to me about his break up that happened a few months ago with J. And apparently, he lost feelings. But he also mentioned that J was really insecure as well, he had alot exes and yeah J was just alittle paranoid and insecure that U might just be playing. (idk why im like writing this maybe i just had to divert my mind somewhere else so i wouldnt cry in lecture) but yeah, U assured J that he was genuine and sincere but J was really guarded and apparently U was starting to get tired of assuring her. So she got paranoid and yea. Then U told me not to get too clingy and obsessive as he might get annoyed by it someday. He might think that it’s cute and sweet now, but someday he might get annoyed and U said that i wouldnt want someone to call me disgustingly clingy and obsessive after breaking up.

So yayyyy, im like really really really really happy these few weeks. He has been really extremellllyyyy sweet to me, he’s treating me really well too. He has been starting to say that he loves me like really constantly and its just reaaaaly reaaaaly sweet. And we had deep talks yay. Ive always suspected that he might some family issues as he always tried to avoid questions about them. But i never wanted to ask him like, i mean, if he wanted and was ready to tell me, he would have. So yay he finally told me idk i just wna hug him forever he’s so precious and vulnerable actually.

(okay fuck there was a 10min break i ran from chemical life science block to training ground and he wasnt there😭😭😭😭😭 so i ran back to science block i was like 1min late but class havent started so thank god. His phone has no battery and he has nothing to do for 2h maybe more cuz i have to meet PEM fuck i feel so bad i want to cry right now. He doesnt have his phone charger so he has nothing to do for 2h and there isnt anyone on training ground so he’ll be alone :(( no i feel fucking bad i want to cry so badly right now, i should’ve asked him to just go home. Now idk where he is im worried that he’s gna be very bored waiting for me fuck)

Gosh i think he went home already. But like if he went home shouldnt his phone have battery. Where is heeee :(( im so worried right now. Where could he actually beeeee :(((( okay imma hunt for him in school. He isnt at south and north canteen. Okay maybe library. He’s not at the library either. Okay maybe he went home and slept but didnt charge his phoneeee :/ shouldnt have asked him to wait for me. Should have just asked him to go home.

So yayyyyy he didnt went home, and actually waited for me. Okay thank god he wasnt alone, he was with raph and a few othr tkd ppl. I was so gna be worried that he might be alone with his phone battery flat, doing nothing. But i guess he was alrighttt.

I want a lip product. Idk lip tint, lipstick, liquid lipstick. idk i just want one. Like i want one red not those bright red, but like orangey lighter kind of shade red.

Fuck, my stye isnt curing. There’s like 2 styes in my left eye.Its sucks, it looks really ugly and digusting. I really hope it gets cured soon.

Apparently, Mr Lee asked Vincent about my bad grades. Lee asked vin like if he knows why my grades are like so bad. And Vin was like, oh, maybe becuz of r/s. But actually it isnt, i have been having bad grades since last sem. Idk i just have no motivation to do anything, i dont understand lectures and tutorials. All i want to do is to breakdown and cry in school everyday.

Okay, so about my contact lenses, it isnt at home. I just couldnt find it. Ive went through all my bags in my room for at least the 5th time already and still i cant find my contact lens. Guess ive lost it. I could have like worn it for another 2 months, god damn it. Now i have to order a new one, and wait for around 2-3weeks for my lens to arrive. 

Y’all might actually ask why i feel insecure without my contact lens. Okay yay let’s start. I might have or might have not mentioned about the guys in my secondary school but yeahhhhh. They are a bunch of idiots which i would probably hold a grudge on them forever. Yes i hold on to grudges pretty long. Apparently the guys in my class hated me so they’ve always teased me and idk i just hated them so much. Okay I dont wanna say that im bullied, it just sounds so weird and idk, i dont people to think that im making a fuss by calling them bullies. But yeah they laugh whenever i answer a teacher’s question, teased me for being ugly, insulted me for alot of things, laughed at me for alot of things too. But ever since i switched to contacts, people started treating me better. Okay, its stupid to think that with contacts, people will treat me better. Maybe, coincidentally the guys in my class have matured when i switched to contacts. So, ever since, i had this thought drilled into my mind that contacts made me look better, and people treat better looking people much better. I mean at first, i thought i was just being silly. Then i started to try things out. I was out with some gatherings from the cosplay community and yeah, they were all strangers. When i’m with my glasses, no one came to talk to me and i wasnt treated as well as when i was wearing my contact lens. When i wore my contact lens, more people were interested to talk to me, i had more attention from people and yeah, i was just treated so much better than i was wearing my glasses. It wasnt the first time something like this happened. I’ve tried many times to different group of strangers and it always seems that wearing contact lenses made people treat me better. It’s kinda silly and childish for me to think like this but ever since ive gotten contacts, i had it drilled in my mind that that it’s how people work. People treat you better when you are better looking. I also felt less insecure and much more confident about myself everytime i wore my contacts. And idk i’ve been depending on contacts ever since to boost up my super low self-esteem.

So If i dont wear contacts in front of you, that would probably mean either. 1) Im very comfortable with you, i trust you alot and i see no problem wearing just glasses and looking unglam in front of you. Or 2) you mean nothing to me, i dont care about you. Examples for 1) would be Roy, Vin ,Zane, Aloy, Alfie, Daina, Alicia. I mean i really trust Roy and the rest alot, they’re really good friends and they have seen me with glasses outside training before. Examples of 2) would be my classmates or just random people in the lecture hall. But for B, im like really comfortable and i trust him alot, but i also wna look good in front of him so i try to have my contacts on everytime i meet him.

So like many people keep asking why i quitted cosplay so here are the reasons. But lmao nobody knows my tumblr, im writing everything here just to rant stuff, nobody would even read it anyways. Actually i quit cosplay for a few reasons. I hate it when people used to remind me that i cosplay. Well, sure, i might have kept some pictures left of some certain cosplays. But that is because the picture taken was really nice and i really wna safekeep it. One reason was money lol. I dont have money to actually buy all the costumes and props and those bullshits are fucking expensive, its just seriously a waste of my precious money. Another reason was, it wasnt really socially acceptable, people find me weird, a creep,idk. I used to be really proud and optimistic about cosplaying since it’s actually a very special hobby, but i guess some things are really hard if people always tease you about cosplaying as it is not very socially acceptable. And since cosplaying also require alot makeup, i can cut down cost on my make up, so yayy i still can save more money.

Today with Bryan was just amazing.Okay everyday with him is just fking amazing. Apparently there wasnt any movie to watch because i might go over my curfew but yayyy we actually just sat down at the swing and just talked. Sounds typical, but he loves me when i cant love myself. He’s the best thing that could ever happen to me and maybe waiting for him was actually all really worth it. I’m really an insecure person and he always has to assure me that im beautiful, gorgeous and adorable to him. He’s really the most sweetest and romantic things ever and it’s just really extremely cute. Even i get annoyed everytime i feel insecure about myself. I Love Him sooooo much i would never want to lose him. Omg this is getting fucking cheesy HAHA.

Let’s talk about money. I’m in debt. I owe so many people money i feel really bad. I dont really wish to have squabbles with friends over money, like seriously, it’s fucking stupid. I want to stop borrowing from people, i dont want to make this into a really bad habit. 

i wanna cry so bad :(