#Gotten back into overthinking everything and I need to. God I need to make a list of everything to look for. Like a chart. Or something

[hermitw]

I gotta pay constant attention to Sukuna's nails on my next jjk read but I'm thinking that

True form Sukuna didn't have painted nails anymore bc

Black was a color of purity in the Heian era

And Sukuna felt evil after putting Fushiguro through all that

(idk the significance of nail length tho - for now I just think that it's Sukuna's lashing out after being repressed, or it was a part of the mummification process and more convenient without the nails, or it was an oversight in shibuya bc sukuna woke up in that vulnerable position and had to overcompensate to redeem Edgelord Status as a defense mechanism - or Sukuna had long nails to appear more threatening when Yuuji hadn't eaten many fingers)

I haven't found anything on fingernail length in the Heian Era, or in Ainu culture - but there are photos of Ainu women with every nail style we see on Sukuna, so that's.... Something... (please help me out if you know more I need to know everything)

[joaniscruzing]

sailor song - part 1 - e.w.

I am so glad to be writing a series again you guys! Heads up though, I am in school now, so I do need to focus on my studies, which means I can't crank out chapters once a day like I used to!

Y'all. I love Jackson Ellie. I legit have a Halloween costume of this on standby.

Summary: Mostly exposition, reader meets Ellie after a lot of staring from afar.

Warnings: Talks of religion

A/N: I'm trying to set this on after the events of TLOU II. In my head, I always feel like Ellie went back to Jackson and tried to start over and forget everything. I feel like she'd try to better herself, especially after literally losing everything. Also, let me know if you'd like to be tagged in the next chapter.

⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰

In Jackson, you normally went on about your day. You would wake up, pray, have the occasional outing, go on patrol, and then go back to your abode, where you would sleep. You always noticed Ellie though. Her presence, full of light, darkening as time passed, always penetrated your carelessness towards any outside happenings–or people.

You liked how Ellie carried herself, confident, and taking no shit from nobody. However, you also knew of Ellie’s sexuality, which, in your books, was a sin. While you would typically disregard sinners, there was just something about Ellie that drew you in. You didn’t know if it was the two pools of green mystery that were her eyes, or her low, but enchanting voice. Sometimes you would look from afar, watching her laugh as she smoked her joint and coughed, wondering if you and her would ever cross paths in the future. You presumed that she was too cool for you, too rebellious. In fact, you thought that in a normal world, she’d be a celebrity, as famous as Anne Hathaway, an actress from a movie you had loved watching during the movie nights in Jackson as a little kid, The Princess Diaries.

You didn’t know why you were religious, you supposed that it was a way for you to make some sense of the situation around you. After all, you could sum up this apocalypse as just part of God’s plan; and you wouldn’t have to overthink about the issues that came from it and the harshness of the situation. That aside, you wore the cross necklace you found one day while exploring some abandoned building out of boredom proudly and constantly. You read your bible every night, in hopes that maybe it would help you understand your circumstances, and in hopes that there would be a heaven for you to go to in the future.

One day though, after a rather sleepless night, you found yourself heading into town for coffee, looking rather disheveled. You were so tired, in fact, that you didn’t realize that your coffee was sloshing all around in its cup, and getting all over you.

“Hey!” Ellie called, running behind you.

“Huh?” you replied wearily, snapping out of it immediately when you realized who it was. Crap. It’s Ellie Williams.

“Hey, uh, you seem like you shouldn’t be running back to your house with burning hot coffee. Why don’t you come over here for a bit and drink it?”

“Oh, I didn’t realize that the coffee had gotten all over me. Please excuse my appearance,” you reply embarrassedly, “I’m fine though, thank you for the offer.”

“Then I’ll go with you to your house then.”

“Okay, didn’t realize you’re into stalking.”

“I’m into a lot more than just stalking” 

Your cheeks burn like hot coals. “I suppose I can drink some coffee with you.”

“Alright then. Should we go back to your house?”

“No, no, we can drink some coffee at that table over there.”

“Are you hiding something?” You look her in the eyes. You sense a twinge of skeptical energy coming from her, which, per the rumors you heard, was never a good sign.

“No! My house just isn’t clean right now.”

With that, you and Ellie sit down and you drink your coffee.

“Do you want me to get you some?”

“Oh fuck no, I’ve always hated coffee.”

[l33bang24]

OMG It’s You… (Part 2.5)

YouTuber! Fem reader x Stray Kids

Summary: Y/N’s YouTube channel is taking off after her reactions to Stray Kids MV God’s Menu. Now she’s making videos nonstop along with working a full time job. What would happen if she got offered a job of a lifetime and met the boys of her succession?

⚠️Warning⚠️: mild cursing, anxiety, overthinking

🏷️: @laylasbunbunny @weirdowithaphone @silverstarburst @jusanontstuff @anxiousskylar @drewsandsebastianswife @amararosesblog @niaalove (Taglist open)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

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Y/N’s POV

I rolled out of bed when I heard my alarm go off. I’ve had a motivation block lately (don’t ask me where I came up with that). Some days I just don’t have the energy to get in front of a camera because that said energy gets sucked out from work. Work can be a pain in the ass sometimes, however it brings in money that pays bills even helps with the channel. When I first started the channel, I didn’t have a lot of equipment. I started off with the bare minimum with the money I had leftover from paying bills. Once I had the starting equipment like a microphone, headphones, camera, etc., then I had to come up with the channel name. I ended up with y/c/n because it sounded like me. I knew from the start that I wouldn’t get a lot of views, still that didn’t help my anxiety any.

I try not to let things get to me, though it can be hard when you constantly don’t feel like you’re good enough. Anxiety and overthinking can make a person feel like that, even in situations that have nothing to do with you, yet you still worry about things you can’t control. I started getting ready for work, already dreading going in. Hoping that maybe today would be an easy day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t an easy day, it was actually the worst really. I am actually glad it’s the weekend though. I’ll have to rest up before I start up a new video. I’ve gotten into the routine of posting at least one to two videos a week (three if I’m feeling frisky). That way I can have time to go in and make edits of what I’ve recorded. I learned how to get a little creative with my videos over time, especially when I started moving my hands around when I’m talking. ‘You mean when you start rambling about a topic for hours?’ I hear my inner thoughts say.

I decided to take the rest of the day to relax since I have been running around all day at work. ‘I’ll just start filming tomorrow. That way I’m rested up from this hectic week and can be productive these next couple of days.’ I tell myself.

The Following Day

Taking a sip of my freshly brewed coffee, I hummed in delight. I took in my surroundings now that I have some caffeine in my system. It was a beautiful day outside. Feeling the morning breeze blow through the air ruffling the trees. Being able to sit on the back porch and take in the scenery with a cup of coffee in your hand makes everything feel simpler. Easier. Just for a moment.

I knew today would be a little busy for me but that’s what happens when you decide to make a YouTube reaction channel, especially when it’s about K-Pop. I had recently seen where I’ve now reached over 300K followers on YouTube. I need to make sure I mention that in my video. I didn’t do it once and the fans didn’t like that, not that I didn’t want to do it. I just didn’t pay it any attention. If I did that would really make my anxiety level go up and I don’t need that.

After finishing my coffee, I decided to go ahead and get started on making some new videos. I pulled my computer and monitors up, making sure that my microphone and headphones were up and ready to go. The last thing being my camera. Checking my monitor to make sure I have it positioned where I want it and that my main screen, where I show what I’m watching, is up as well. Once everything is to my liking, I take a deep breath and think about something that makes me happy to brighten up my mood. Clicking the record button, counting to three, I start my intro.

“Good Morning Lovelies! How are y’all doing this morning?” Taking a pause, I start again. “I hope you’re all doing well. Eating well, sleeping well, and going outside to enjoy the weather. It’s pretty outside today. I decided I’d have my morning coffee out there. Maybe next time I’ll film a little video for y’all, I’d think you’d enjoy it as well. Anyways before I get off track, today we are going to be watching the newest SKZ Code that came out recently. I always wait in case there’s a part two. So that way I can watch it back to back and not wait for the second part to come out. I believe most of you know this by now, though we also have new followers who don’t know that. Now I’m getting off track, haha. I can’t help it y’all, you know this. Okay! Let’s get started before I talk your ear off.” I smile looking at my main monitor that holds my videos for the day. I write down on my sticky notes nearby about the 300K followers so that way I don’t forget. I play the videos that I prepared for the day, laughing my ass off at the boys being silly. Occasionally wiping a stray tear from laughing so hard. Stopping to talk about my favorite parts or having to go back and rewatch a part just to laugh twice as hard as the first time.

Towards the end I look down at the sticky note I prepared. Getting ready to end the video I tell myself what I need to say. “Well, that’s it for the video today! I hope enjoyed it as much as I did, but before I let you go I have some thing I need to say. This channel just hit the 300K subscribers within this past week!! I’m so happy that people love watching Stray Kids as much as I do. I do more than just Stray Kids on here, but my Stray Kids videos get way more views than the others. I don’t like being biased to just one group but Stray Kids has always been the closest to my heart and I know my fellow Stays know that as well. And to Stray Kids if you ever see this, I hope you know just how much we love and appreciate everything that you do.” I smile at the camera. “Thank you everyone for supporting me and continuing to support me. Until then I will see you in the next video.” I do a two finger salute to the camera. “Bye!”

(A/N: Hi everyone! So I tried to get the whole part 2 together but I couldn’t figure out how to at more text under the pictures so I just made a second post to it. If anyone knows how I could do that please let me know because there might be more coming. Anyways thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it!)

[digitaldiarystuff]

Worst Mistake Pt.3

omg i’m so sorry i cut here but i want to know your thoughts on the story so any comment will be appreciated 💖

————

pairing: Jude Bellingham x Y/N

summary: Jude was a close friend of your boyfriend, so you meet him. What’s the worst thing that could happen right?

genre: i think a bit of everything

————

“Hey baby” Zack said as he entered your house with a bouquet of roses in his hands.

After your day with Jude, your conscience never shut up telling you how bad of a girlfriend you are so you decided to spend some quality time with your boyfriend tonight. You prepared a candle lit dinner and dolled up, wearing a mini dress with heels for a romantic evening and Zack brought flowers.

“Oh god, you look amazing.” he said while leaning in to give you a kiss and you just pecked his lips and turned feeling awkward, this was so stupid. You never felt weird kissing Zack.

You ate dinner and it was actually quite nice, after that you tried to put the dishes away but Zack came behind you and placed his hands on your hips.

“The dishes can wait, but I can’t” he said while placing little kisses on your exposed shoulders and neck, you stiffened up for a moment but decided you both needed this and relaxed into his touch.

“You are so hot.” he kept on going until you were feeling the vibes and you placed your hands in his hair. He was now full on sucking on your neck and behind your ear. However as everything was going well, a small voice in the back of your head asked what it’d feel like if Jude’s the one making you feel good right now and you completely lost it. You already had some weird feelings but never really thought about having intimacy with Jude like this, this was going too far.

Zack was taken aback with your sudden neediness, you took him by the wrist and went into your bedroom. You wanted him to fuck you so good that Jude’s name would disappear forever.

“What’s gotten into you?” Zack jokingly asked in between kisses and you laying him down and straddling his hips.

“Nothing, I just want you” you simply answered and he was good with that explanation.

That night, you had intimacy with your boyfriend while someone else was in your mind. You couldn’t feel more disgusted.

The next time you and Jude spent time in the same place was a few days later. He was having a party at his house and you and Zack were of course invited, in fact he texted you to make sure you got his invitation through Zack. You said you were going and thanked him but kept the conversation short.

You arrived ar Jude’s house around 10 and the place looked amazing, you didn’t know if he hired a designer or changed some things himself but it was just like you imagined.

“Everything looks lovely.” you said while giving him a hug. You were adamant about shutting your feelings down and just be civil with him.

“I’m so glad you like it.” he flashed a smile at you and you tried your hardest not to overthink his statement.

You stuck by Zack all night not to find yourself in an awkward situation with Jude and your plan worked for quite a while but Zack got a phone call from his mom to drop something off at their place and had to leave you at the party for a while.

“I can come with” you said getting up from your seat but he motioned you to stay.

“You don’t have to, I’ll just be in and out. Just stay here and enjoy yourself.” he said and left you with a scowl on your face. You tried to occupy yourself with your phone but sooner than later your thirst got the best of you and you walked into the kitchen. Just as you were pouring yourself a drink, you turned your head to the patio to see a girl all over Jude. She was basically trying to dry hump him while he had his eyes closed, you stood there stone faced not knowing how to act but you must’ve been focusing for a while because Jude suddenly opened his eyes as the girl moved onto his neck and chest. He locked eyes with you immediately and you knew you should’ve looked down and let them do whatever they wanted but couldn’t. Your eyes couldn’t leave his and you could almost see them getting darker and darker. His stare was full of lust and emotion but you didn’t know who it was about.

This was good, you thought. At least now you knew he was just being polite and platonic with you, you misread the whole situation and you should relax from now on but why was there a heavy feeling in your chest threatening to burn your eyes then?

Finally, you decided it was creepy and hastily left the kitchen to find a place to sit but your place on the sofa was already taken by now so you walked around and stumbled upon presumably a guest bedroom. It was neutral themed and barely looked slept in, you slowly closed the door behind you to finally breathe for a while but as soon as you sat on the bed the door opened revealing a worried Jude.

“Jude?” you asked

“Y/N” he answered but his tone was much more strained and you thought it was the previous activities that got him riled up. He was also slurring a little, you figured he just had too many drinks.

“Oh, do you need the room? I can just…” you said trying to finish this encounter as fast as possible but he stepped across from you and blocked your body with his.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” you asked looking at your feet.

“I don’t know, I mean I just…”

“I should go Jude, Zack should be here any minute.” you tried to walk past him one more time but this time he didn’t physically stop you just scoffed.

“What was that?” you asked

“Nothing” he said clearly overly intoxicated.

“What’s going on Jude?” you pressed.

“You know he doesn’t deserve you, right?”

You were shocked at his response and couldn’t form a coherent sentence at first?”

“What?”

“He doesn’t and you know it, he never did.” he said but refused to explain further.

“You’re drunk and I think you’re saying things you don’t actually think.” you reasoned with him afraid of what his next move would be.

“You fucking don’t deserve it Y/N, do you understand me?” he slammed his hand on the bed sitting next to you. He left nearly no space between you and his scent invaded your senses compelling you.

“I don’t deserve what, Jude?” you cautiously asked. You thought this conversation was going to go a lot more different.

“He cheats on you, he cheated in Mykonos he’s cheating now and I fucking hate him for it. You deserve so much better.”

His confession hit you like a ton of bricks but you reminded yourself that he was drunk and probably didn’t even know what he’s saying.

“Jude, I think you’re confused. I mean, he- he wouldn’t do that.” you said but his sad eyes made you question your whole relationship within seconds. No, no you couldn’t do that.

“Jude you’re being mean.”

“I’m not being mean, believe me I never want to hurt you.” he said leaning in a little and placing his hand on your cheek. You wanted to slap him and kiss him at the same time. Your eyes dropped to his lips for a second and he did the same, you could see his eyes in a new way, you felt like you could stare into his soul with your close proximity.

“So you’re not lying” you asked again and again trying to understand but his closeness calmed you like nothing could. You should’ve been fuming breaking things but you sat there with Jude’s hand caressing your cheek slowly.

He slowly shook his head and you knew. You just believed him and this time, you didn’t run. Instead you leaned into his touch and pressed your lips against his in an instant.

There was no turning back.

[elimoskowitzs-wife]

Hawk (eli) x fem!reader

Summary-your robbys younger sister by a year

Warnings-arguing, fluff, swearing

Hawk hated you calling him eli but you didn't like calling him hawk because that wasn't him you knew him as the sweet quiet eli not the loud cocky hawk

You kiss his cheek before going to lesson you get in a lot of trouble because your overthinking everything your overthinking your relationship and if he loves you still you snapped at your teacher getting you sent out you slam the door and walk off hawk walls around the corner and sees you so he jogs to catch up to you.

'why the fuck are you out of lesson where are you goinh' he snaps at you

'it's nothing eli' you mumble

Hawk groaned when you walked off because he snapped at you he hates arguing he hates it so much because he loves you

You stand in the girls toilet wiping your running mascara Sam walked in because hawk told her what he did you turn to her and smile with your red puffy teary eyes and Sam hugs you straight away

'do you want me to tell robby' Sam asks you

You shake your head knowing robby would loose it

'what happened' Sam asked

'eli and I just got in an argument and him having his new hair cut it really intimates me and it frightens me it makes him someone he isn't it's really intimidating since he's gotten tough' your voice breaks

Sam promises not to tell hawk anything you said but dosent tell robby that you and hawk had a argument but not to loose it with him

You was so awkward at lunch you sat at the miyagi do table with your brother and Sam, hawk still feels awful for what he's done he sees your legs bobbing up and down rapidly he thinks to leave it till after school

You and robby get home and is greeted by your dad you smiled and walked straight into your room

Hawk knocks on the front door and robby opens it

'is uh yn here I really need to speak with her'

'in her room and I know you need to speak to her because she told me' robby grunts

Hawk smiled and thanked robby and walked into your room and sees you laid on your bed scrolling through your photos together

'hey eli' you smile

'I'm so sorry for snapping at you I didn't mean to snap I got stressed that you was in trouble because your never in trouble and it's my fault for being a jerk' he stresses pacing around your room

You smile and hug him he let's you wash the gel out his hair to make it floppy and let's you do whatever you wnat to his hair and you do a slick back what you always did to his hair when it was short and not dyed eli forgot how strong he was and hugged you

'ow oh my god hawk your so strong' you giggle

'sorry but did you just called me hawk do it again please' hawk lightens his grip on you

Hawk kisses you robby walks in and straight out after seeing you both kissing, when hawks left robbys glad to see you happy with him like when he was eli moskowitz

[goorehound]

Finally starting to write something for these little bastards. But, I need feedback.

The gist: Human Lucifer (Louis, ew i know) is haunted by Alastor. AU type deal.

This is the unedited, very quickly written up first chapter. Do we fuck with it? Or should I brainstorm some other ideas?

Chapter One – Moving Day

This was totally a worthwhile purchase. Most definitely.

Sure, it was a lot creepier in the dwindling light, and without the bubbly overbearing energy of his realtor. Still, a beautiful property. Really it should’ve been saved as a historical site, but who was he to complain?

Gorgeous property, all while being a hop, skip and a jump away from his daughter’s new business. The perfect fresh start that his therapist had hinted at him desperately needing, a change of pace and environment to compliment his new rekindled relationship with his kids.

Refreshing new scenery. Or at least that’s what he repeated endlessly to himself, a stark contrast to the unease that settled deep in his bones while he maneuvered around half-unpacked boxes.

It hadn’t seemed this empty and dreary when he’d been signing all the paperwork. Good fucking god, this was probably the most silent building he’d ever been in. Concerningly quiet. Shouldn’t there be creaks? Birds outside? Anything?

He was surely overthinking all of this. What could be wrong with a little peace and quiet, really? This house, his new house, was on the edge of town. A little silence was to be expected, and working himself up over finally doing something good for himself was counterproductive.

Charlie calling! What a fantastic fucking distraction, yet another thing to add to the list of things he appreciated about her.

“Char! Hey!” He still needed to work on that greeting.

“Dad! Hi!” Oh man, she was just like him. That pulled on the heart strings. “How’s moving?”

“Oh good, yeah, yeah. Super good. Great.” He rambled on, eyes shifting around the boxes surrounding him. “Well, it’s a work in progress. We’ll get there.”

“Yeah.” She laughed back. “I was thinking – I mean, if its okay with you? Vaggie and I could come help out tomorrow, make you some dinner?”

“Oh, absolutely. Dying to meet this gal I keep hearing about, aha-ha.” Good lord, could that have possibly come out more awkward? This did not get easier, despite what he had been assured. That was fine, Charlie never seemed put off, and that’s what mattered. Right? He just had to win over this girlfriend of hers.

“Sounds good, I’ll --- Shit. Sorry, dad, I’ll text you. Duty calls.”

“Course, kiddo. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Dial tone. Ouch, but fair enough. She was busy, he had things to sort.

Which was precisely what he spent the rest of his evening doing. Throwing his entire focus into carefully and swiftly dissecting piles of boxes. He’d even gotten as far as unpacking and setting up the television. Really not his thing normally, but when it had come up in conversation with Charlie she’d all but insisted upon him buying one.  

So, he was giving in. Flicking on something random. Anything to drown out the sudden onslaught of random noises that he was doing everything to avoid thinking about. Old house. Here were the noises he was asking for earlier.  That’ll teach him not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Thud. Sliiide. Clack, clack, clack, creak.

Whatever. Just the house settling, nothing some good ol’ TV couldn’t drown out. Certainly it wasn’t somebody going about their business in the study just down the hall, that would be ridiculous. And, at this point in the evening, Lou had pointedly checked that room numerous times. He had confirmed with his very own eyes that it remained, thankfully, uninhabited.

It was completely fucking normal, actually, and Lou wasn’t remotely nervous about it. He felt so normal about it all that he decided to drift off on the couch, background chatter from the screen still buzzing on. Because who could stop him? It was his house and he could doze wherever he pleased, and it did not mean he was scared. He was a grown ass man, after all.

Click, click, sliiiide.

Yep, he was closing his eyes now. Dead to the world, oblivious to strange noises lurking about.

Hard to tell precisely how much time had passed from the time he drifted off until he was eased into a state of just barely conscious, still dazed by the twisting and nonsensical dream he’d been lulled into.

It was still dark.  A soft noise easing him further from his dream, but it was nothing soothing.

Hardly even familiar.

 Something repetitive. Metallic, almost? Akin to a slicing of meat, the sound echoing out from the kitchen.

There was only a matter of seconds to processes the sudden and nauseating stench of blood and viscera, enough to have his stomach flipping.

Then, there was a deafening, loud, wet slam from the kitchen. Like a corpse being tossed about.

That had his heart in his throat and feet on the ground before he could take another breath.

[0alanasworld0]

Wedding Day (Yassine Bounou x reader)

Request: hello , can you do a bono yassin x reader there morroco wedding please pretty

warnings: none

“You don’t think she’s having second thoughts, do you?” 

“Yassine, she's like 5 minutes off schedule. It’s tradition for brides to be like 3 hours late, I’m sure everything is on track.”

“But she said she’d get an early start to stop that from happening!”

“5 minutes, man. I promise you, she’ll be through those doors any moment now!”

The man calms down at least a little with the reassurance. He should really have a little more faith. It’s baffling to everyone how he doesn’t realise you’re just as attached to him as he is to you. 

Only in the dressing room not too far away, you’re having your own breakdown.

“Dear lord, we're running late!”

“Babe, it’s only five minutes and we’ve just got the jewellery to put on!”

“But I promised Yassine!”

“He’s a reasonable guy! He’ll have to know that things like this always run over a bit! I promise you that he’s gonna be just fine. Now let's get this jewellery on before he does get any ideas.” you slap your friend on the arm for that. Just when you were about to calm down the idea of him giving up and feeling betrayed. 

By the time you’re done, you take a second to look over yourself. The dress was everything you could have dreamed of and more. You and Yassine were not the superstitious types so you did have his help while choosing and the one you came to was just perfection. You couldn’t have been happier. You felt beautiful and confident and excited and… oh god. What if HE was having second thoughts. All of this and for it to come crashing down at the hall. How humiliating would that be?! You leave your train of thought when you hear your phone ring. Your heart only starts to pound faster at the name on the screen. With a shaky hand, you accept the call. Thankfully, he’s the first to speak. 

“Is everything okay, love?” you calm down a little bit at the drawl of his voice, but the fear still lingers. Would he break it to you now or later?

“Yeah, just making sure everything is okay. I know it's only been 10 minutes but I was getting a bit worried…” he takes a pause to catch his breath and you furrow your eyebrows as you can hear the slight panting.

“Yeah it's just the jewellery was a bit of a pain. I’ll be down in a few minutes, my love. Everything okay over there? You sound out of breath?”

“Yeah… you know just pacing a bit- OH GOD I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YO-”

“YASSINE YOU IDIOT I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL HER I SWEAR TO GOD GIVE IT- sorry he’s just stressed, I don’t know what's gotten into him.” You could always count on Yousef to have your back but in all honesty, it was nice to hear his voice. He was still there and he was waiting. For you, no less. 

You hope and pray that the first gasps you hear are of amazement and not horror as you finally make your entrance.

You’ve practised walking around in the dress and shoes more times than you can count but you suddenly feel so heavy. It’s like your feet are glued to the ground. Suddenly the heels feel too high and the puffy dress feels like a burlap sack as you begin to overthink it all. All while continuing to walk, mind you. Your eyes are glued to Yassine, waiting for him to turn around but you can just feel all the other pairs of eyes on you. You squeeze your father’s hand for some much needed relief as you try to process the moment. So many eyes. The mumbling quietens into silence and Yassine finally turns his head to look at you. The star-struck look is the confidence boost you need as you make your way to sit with him. He takes your hand in his and gives it a comforting squeeze as he seeks to calm your nerves. He can see it in your eyes. He feels bad for asking at a time like this but some of his own concerns still linger. So as the Imam makes his way over, he asks.

“You’re not having any second thoughts, are you?” you see his own fears mirror yours.

“Not even for a second…” you bring the hand you’re holding to your lips for a soft kiss.

“Are you?” he shakes his head vigorously. No, he’d been waiting too long for this.

As the Imam begins the procession, you glance over at where your family are sitting. It was a big step. Your parents' little girl marrying a man that, much to their dismay, had won over the hearts of the whole family, including them. You were absolutely confident that it was the best day of your life. You were ready to tie the knot and spend the rest of your life with one of your favourite people on the planet. You couldn’t ask for more. He made you the happiest girl in the world, this step was a very obvious one.

Now that your hand is in his, he’s feeling a lot less nervous. He loved you with every atom in his body. He was beyond excited for this next step. 

“You look like an angel by the way” he whispers before pressing a kiss to the side of your head. As you turn to make eye contact with him, you can immediately feel your face heating up. God, if you could engrain the softness in his eyes whenever he looked at you in your mind forever, you would. He didn’t even need to say anything because his eyes did it for him. That was all you needed. 

When the procession is finally over and the marriage is made official, he tries to keep things chaste by pressing a small kiss to your lips. In the midst of your hug, Your family joins you, one by one, to congratulate you. Yassine also receives his fair share of hugs because as much as your parents didn’t want to say it, he’d won them over tenfold. If there was anyone they were going to trust their girl with, it was most definitely him. 

He knew that you were dreading the photo-taking the most so he does his very best to make it more bearable for you. He whispers jokes that no one else can hear. The hand on your waist moves oh-so-subtly to tickle you. You try to hold off the laughter for as long as you can but only one joke later, you have to hide your face in the crook of his neck as the giggles bubble over. You hold onto his shoulder for some support and you can feel his laughter as well. It’s a moment that the photographer makes sure to capture, with frantic direction from your parents. It was so clear that the pair of you were a match made in heaven that it felt almost shambolic that you hadn’t wedded sooner. 

As time ticked on and everyone was well settled, he notices you starting to get tired. After a quick glance at your drooping eyes, he kisses your hand before letting go of it to grab a glass of water and some of the buffet food for you. Immediately you’re surrounded by your friends and cousins and the excited chatter does do something to wake you up a little.

“Oh my god, mom said that you were in love but this is something else! Do you SEE the way that man looks at you!” you jolt awake as she shakes you by the shoulders.

“I mean, we are married…” you remind with a smile. She shakes her head vigorously and you tilt yours in confusion.

“No no no this isn’t any old marriage, you two are the definition of soulmates.” you hum in agreement because honestly she’s right. Never in your life had someone made you feel as special as Yassine did. Every touch, every glance your way, every word spoken to and about you was dripping with the sweetest, purest love imaginable. It was enough to make your heart burst. Even with a schedule like his and yours, he still managed to love you in a way you were almost certain no one else could. He was it for you. He made you happy beyond your wildest dreams. Marriage was simply another step to solidify that.

“Where did he go anyway”

“Oh he just went to grab some water, I think…” you trail off, gesturing to where he was with a nod of your head and they all turn around to look. Indeed, there he was with a cup of water in one hand and a plate of all sorts of finger foods ready for you. He’s just talking with a couple of his teammates who are having a very similar conversation.

“I knew you were a sap but this is pretty impressive, man.” Hakim teases, nudging his shoulder slightly. Yassine simply smiles, looking over to where you’re laughing with your friends. Everything about you was so ethereal to him. Your mere presence just made him happy. He loved seeing you, talking to you, holding you, just everything. The idea of spending the rest of his life with anyone else made him feel sick. It was you. Always you. He had been certain of that for much longer than you would ever know. 

He’s completely zoned out of the conversation Hakim and Romain are having, probably teasing each other again as per usual. The second he sees you glance over at him, he doesn’t even bother to bid the men farewell before making his way over to you. Before the girls disperse, they give their congratulations to Yassine and send sly winks towards you as they return to their seats. You sneer at them and Yassine turns around. Only by then they’ve all quickly turned to talk to each other.

“What was that all about?”

“Oh nothing, we were just discussing how obsessed with me you are.”

He shrugs nonchalantly. As if he didn’t make that abundantly clear every time he so much as took a glance at you.

“I picked out what I thought you would like so you can at least try and get through the rest of the night.” he nudges and you flick his arm before grabbing the cup of water. You’re eager to gulp it down except your nose ring is very much in the way. Of course, your now husband is to it before you and carefully lifts the heavy jewellery up and away from the mouth so that you can drink in peace. The sigh of relief you let out is enough to put a smile on his face, happy that he was able to make you more comfortable. He continues to hold it up as you pick away at the snacks and canapes he brought from the buffet. When you’ve had your fill, you gently pull his hand away and grab one of the snacks, holding it up to his mouth to feed him. He obliges, hugging you to his side as he slowly eats it. Once again, your parents are frantically pushing the photographer to capture the moment because the look in your eyes was unmistakable. Just as he adored you, you were infatuated by him in equal amounts. 

You grow more lively when you see your friends make their way to the dance floor and other guests following suit. He’s already dragging you by the hand so you can join in on the fun. You’re weary at first but you have to admit, you haven’t had fun like that in a long time. None of you are prima ballerinas by any means but you haven’t ever laughed like that. You can’t stop the giggles as everyone clumsily moves to the beat of the music. You’re gripping onto yassine’s shoulders as he spins you around excitedly, squeezing your eyes shut and savouring the sound of his laughter. 

Eventually, everyone grows tired and very hungry again as everyone once again takes their seats as the main courses make their way to the tables. Only the best as per Yassine’s instructions. You rest your head on his shoulder when you take your seats with your family - which of course included Yassine’s beloved teammates - looking around at everyone. There was a part of you that still couldn’t believe it. You were really married to this funny, kind, smart, overall loveable oaf. He was really yours. You turn your head to look up at him and he looks down at you, running a thumb over your cheek before pressing a kiss to your forehead. He interlinks your hand with his and gives it a squeeze just to ground you again. A smile makes its way onto your face as you soak in the atmosphere. 

“Nearly over.” he whispers and your smile widens.

“It’s gonna be a pretty long night though, isn’t it?” you tease and he smirks.

“Already anticipating? You must be excited.” he remarks and you feel your face heat up. You had been waiting for this night for ages. Dreaming of what he’d be like. He had a gentle personality and a soft gaze but there was an intensity there too. You wondered whether he would be soft and sensual as expected or if there was another side to him. 

“Attention everyone!” None other than Dari calls out, clinking his glass with a spoon to get everyone’s attention. 

“Oh boy…” Yassine whispers and you chuckle.

“I just wanted to congratulate the happy couple and say a few words. Yassine is a huge idiot…” which immediately gets some chuckles out of the guests, as well as immature snickering from the team. What a way to end the dinner.

The outside area is decorated to perfection. Fairy Lights strung around the foliage and the sky sprinkled with the stars and moon. Yassine held your body close, slipping small, sweet kisses onto your lips at every given opportunity as you swayed softly to the music. It was the perfect way to end a picture-perfect night. In your lover’s strong arms and under a clear night sky.

“This still doesn’t feel real, you know?” he admits and you hum in agreement.

“It feels like only yesterday when you were pestering me about gem cuts.” you joke and he gently pinches your side.

“It was a perfectly valid question, thank you very much!” you both laugh and it settles down into a comforting silence once more.

“God, they’re so adorable! How has this not happened sooner?!” Hakim wonders. The rest of the boys mutter, agreeing with him.

“Marriage looks good on him.” Romain adds with a smile. Yassine had spent many nights on call with the captain, seeking out his advice and reassuring words. To say the least, it was a big relief for everyone that it was finally done. He had been planning this for far too long.

“Has he added the ring to his bio yet?” 

“He’s had it there since the engagement. Although I think that pinned photo says enough." They all laugh. Yassine was weary of sharing his private life but he was beyond excited and couldn’t help but share that one little memory with the world. To just have his moment to show off. You were his. All his! And he was well and truly yours. 

He was so ready to start this next adventure with you. You were the best thing that ever happened to him and he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you. Now as your proud husband.

im so sorry its been so long lmao but here it is!!!

[bambirex]

Could we see Geralt trying to work up the nerve to confess his feelings to Jaskier? 👀

Oooh I've been looking forward to writing something like this! 😁

Warnings: none

**

Witcher hearts were supposed to beat slower, everyone knew that. Yet, Geralt's own pounded so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of his chest any minute.

He looked into the mirror with a sigh. His reflection, flushed and with barely masked panic in his eyes, stared back at him. Geralt believed that if his brothers would have seen him now, they would've had a field day making fun of him. After all, why was the big White Wolf of the Continent so flustered, acting like a blushing maiden?

Jaskier has been his companion, his friend for long years now. There was no reason to feel so nervous around him. They bathed each other, patched up each other's wounds and often slept in the same bedroll. They knew each other well, and could trust each other.

Except, somewhere along the way, Geralt has fallen in love with him. Or, maybe he has always been in love, just needed some (very long) time to accept and admit it. He would have probably kept it to himself, if it weren't for that unfortunate hunt that's happened a couple days prior, where a monster has attacked Jaskier. He was fine, luckily, but it could have been much worse. Geralt only then realized just how close he has gotten to losing him, and how life really was short, especially for a human. He couldn't waste any more time lying to himself and Jaskier. He needed to tell him how he felt.

That was how he has ended up practicing his speech in front of his mirror, making a complete fool out of himself.

"Jaskier, you're... you're the best thing that has ever happened to me...?"

No, that was too much.

"You make me happy?"

A little better.

"I can't live without you, you're beautiful and sweet...?"

Once again too much. Gods above, Geralt really didn't know how to do this. And if he already felt so anxious just imagining confessing to Jaskier, what was he going to do once he actually stood in front of him?

He rubbed at his temples with a groan. This was not working. Jaskier always told him to stop overthinking things. Maybe he should just wing it.

*

Jaskier was worried that Geralt was either cursed, drunk on some special witcher liquor, or having a stroke. His witcher stood in front of him, shoulders slumping, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He opened his mouth over and over, but no word came out.

"Geralt," Jaskier said cautiously, "is everything okay? Should we get Yennefer?"

"Jaskier, I have to tell you something," Geralt squeezed out from between gritted teeth. Jaskier bit his lip, trying to stop himself from imagining the worst scenarios. "You're... I am... shit."

"It's okay, take your time," Jaskier told him softly, laying a gentle hand on Geralt's arm. Geralt swallowed audibly.

"Jaskier, you're happy and I can't live without the best thing, you make me beautiful. Erm... no. Shit."

Jaskier blinked rapidly. What in Melitele's name was happening?

"Geralt, what was... something is clearly wrong. I'm gonna get Yennefer, you're speaking nonsense."

"No, I wanna..." Geralt groaned. He looked so desperate, that Jaskier decided not to run for help just yet. He waited instead, wondering if Geralt would start speaking elder next.

What happened instead, was Geralt suddenly cupping his cheeks and kissing him so deeply that all the air was knocked out of his lungs. Jaskier stumbled for a moment, before he steadied himself by grabbing onto Geralt's broad shoulders.

"Is this a dream?" Jaskier whispered when Geralt pulled away. Only now did he notice the flush on Geralt's cheeks.

"I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't," Geralt said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Jaskier smiled. His heart swelled inside his chest, and for a second he thought it would burst. He reached up to caress Geralt's cheek, making him lean into his touch.

"I think I understood what you wanted to say perfectly."

With that, he pulled Geralt down into another kiss.

[farfromstrange]

Chaos Theory | Michael Kinsella x Reader

Chapter 24: Bandaids Don’t Fix Bullet Holes

Masterlist ° Chapter List

Pairing: Michael Kinsella x Reader (she/her)

Summary: While Michael meets with his solicitor, you're stuck at his house, and you slowly start going crazy. A visit from a particular someone drives you even crazier.

Warnings: Angst, Frank (yes, that's a warning)

Word Count: 3.2k

A/n: I've finally gotten around to finishing this chapter. It might not be as exciting as you guys hoped it would be, but I have a plan for the next following chapters and I had to leave space for that, which is why this isn't as plot heavy as I intended it. (Also, I’m not sure about the title, but I’ve run out of songs to use)

You’re still tired when you wake up the next morning, but the sadness that overcame you the day before has been replaced by emptiness. You just feel numb now, but it’s better than being in pain. 

Michael has an appointment with his solicitor this morning. Your blood burns your insides when you think about being left alone for the day. His family surrounds you. Not literally, thank God, but with them living on the very street Michael does, it feels as if they’re caging you in like a zoo animal.

You tried to convince him to let you go home, but he insisted that you stay in his house until he’s back so he can make sure that you’re safe. His house has a better security system in place than your own home, and after everything that was unraveled the other day, he would rather not take any chances until he has figured out how serious the repercussions of Frank’s actions will be.

They blew up Michael’s phone all day yesterday, but ever since he blew them off, no one has been brave enough to his house in person. It has been otherwise quiet, too. Thankfully. Still, you can’t help but be wary. 

You’re sitting in bed with your legs pulled up to your chest, resting your cheek on your knees as you watch him rummage through his wardrobe to get ready. Today is an important day to him and he doesn’t want to risk making a bad impression, no matter how big the chaos around him is.

You called in sick from work. You can’t stand being around people, let alone put on a fake smile. The scent of coffee makes you nauseous. To top that off, your hand is still swollen, bandaged, and your knuckles have started getting irritated. Any doctor would have told you the same thing Michael did; your wrist is sprained and you need to rest your hand, which means that work is off the table. 

You know you’re going to use up all of your sick days if you keep going like this, but at this point, there are no worries on your mind. None but one, and that is your sister. Okay, maybe you’re overthinking about a little more than that, but you refuse to acknowledge that or you will drive yourself crazy.

At least Michael’s house smells like safety. You can’t describe it, but the comfort his scent engulfs you in makes this a little easier, even with the separation anxiety eating you alive like a flesh-eating amoeba.

“Hey,” his soft voice brings you back to reality. It has a bit of a scruff to it, but that’s what makes him so attractive.

The bed dips before you, and you look at him with red eyes. “Are you gonna be alright?” Michael asks, his hand reaching out to cup your cheek. “I could call the solicitor and tell her I’ve changed my mind, that I can’t do it today, I…”

You shake your head. The last thing you want is for him to put you over getting his daughter back. The truth about your past, then Jamie’s death, and now the revelation with Frank and Amanda messed with both of your lives, and God knows what else happened in the time you were at work. 

The things Michael threw in Frank’s sounded so serious, you can’t imagine that he has fully forgotten them just because of this one appointment. There seems to be more to it, even, and that scares you. It scares you that he’s going through hell and now he’s going through yours too. And you’re forced to go through his, thanks to his family and your inability to stay away.

You have an inkling, but you don’t like what it is telling you, not one bit. You know Michael, and you know how easily he could be pushed to a point where he would do just about anything for the people he cares about. It’s a terrifying prospect that you could lose him.

You shake it off. You’ve already done enough stupid things for the time being. You can’t do this alone anymore, and you don’t have to.

“Go,” you say, your voice barely above a whisper. “I’ll manage. Don’t put your future with Anna at risk just because of me. It’s not worth it.”

Michael’s eyes soften. “Yer always worth it, that’s not–”

“No. Not this time.”

He sighs. “We’ll talk about how to keep your sister safe once I’m back, alright?” It sounds like a compromise. “Just don’t do anythin’ rash ‘til I’m back,” he says.

“I know,” you answer.

“Promise me.”

You open your mouth. An exasperated sigh slips your lips, and he gives you an incredulous look. “Okay, fine,” you cave. “I promise. I won’t do anything rash until you’re back.”

You’re not sure how you’re going to keep it, but he’s right. You can’t do anything rash or you will risk a lot more than your sister’s safety. She’s the most important thing in your life, above all else, and if you put her at risk just because you’re impatient and drowning in your concern… You wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself.

“I’ll be back in a few hours.” Michael leans forward and presses a kiss on your forehead.

You close your eyes and lean into his touch. “I love you,” you whisper. 

He smiles right back at you. “You too.”

Michael checks his appearance a few more times in the mirror, and you can tell he’s nervous. He rechecks every document twice, and he repeats every question he prepared himself for in his head. 

You want to lift him up, but you’re too low to say anything supportive other than what you feel for him. You hope it’s enough, but you feel useless and numb, and the state you’re in is a horrible middle space between being an exhausted mess and being on high alert. But most of all, the fear never leaves your bones. It has manifested and it’s eating away at your soul. 

“After our fight,” you speak up, “I, uh, called the inspector on the case of my sister’s death six years ago.”

He deserves to know.

Michael stops in his tracks and turns to you. “And?” he asks. 

You shrug. “I was redirected to Scotland Yard’s official hotline, and the front desk lady told me she would pass my message along, but…” With a defeated sigh, you lower your head and shake it. “He didn’t call me back.”

Michael purses his lips. He’s not mad, you can tell. He probably would have done the same in your position. You took the only road you thought could help you, but it ended up being a dead end, after all. Or maybe you missed something crucial.

“Maybe he’ll call today,” he says almost hopefully. “If he’s anythin’ like ya said, he’ll call eventually. Maybe he’s just… swamped.”

“Or maybe he can’t help me.”

“I’m not going to lie to you.”

You want to kiss him just for that.

“So,” he says, “him not wanting to help or be associated with this case again is somethin’ we need to consider.”

You nod along. He’s right. It’s possible. The truth hurts, but at least it’s true.

Wiping your dry cheeks to prevent yourself from actually crying, you clear the lump in your throat. “Well, regardless, I need to pick up the file,” you add, your voice stronger this time. 

He shakes his head. “We can do that once I’m back, alright? Yer not goin’ anywhere without me.”

You don’t have the strength to protest. Michael kisses you again. “Good girl,” he says. 

When he turns to leave, you hug him for a little longer than necessary. He rubs your back, knowing it’s hard for you to let him go, but he has to leave. You understand now why he was so clingy the other day, and it hurts to watch him walk out the door and down the street, disappearing out of your sight, and you lock the door the way he told you to. 

Against what your brain tells you, you don’t go back to bed. You make yourself a nice cup of coffee and find some toast in the cupboard to make yourself some breakfast, and you force yourself to swallow a few bites for your upset stomach. Maybe that will give you a clear mind. 

You spend a few minutes sitting in the backyard, staring out into nature. Every once in a while, you peek over at Jimmy and Amanda’s house. It seems so deserted. You wonder if they fought after you punched her. 

Michael and Jimmy don’t seem all too close, but they’re still brothers, and Michael seems to see something in him that you don’t. You don’t need to understand it. 

You busy yourself with cleaning for a while. Just as you’re scrubbing the stove, you catch something from the corner of your eye. Your peripheral vision picks up on a silhouette close to the bushes that adorn the sides of Michael’s driveway. 

She’s concealed halfway by your car, but you catch a glimpse of the girl’s face that is staring directly into the house, and when she meets your eyes, she gasps and bolts.

Anna. 

You know Michael has secretly been watching her just to get a chance to see her, even if it’s from afar. You never expected Anna to come to the house herself.

She was still little when he went to prison and she must be more than curious, but also a little angry because she probably doesn’t know or understand the full truth behind her mother’s death yet. She’s a child, but she’s not stupid.

You open the front door and storm out of the house. You call out, “Anna?” But upon hearing her name, the girl runs faster, and soon enough she has disappeared around the corner in her school uniform.

You sigh. Whether or not you will tell Michael about this depends on how his meeting goes. Now that she saw you, what must she think? Knowing her father whom she hasn’t seen for eight years has a strange woman standing in his kitchen and cleaning it like a mad woman. 

By opening the blinds to let in some light, you might have just screwed up in the eyes of a teenage girl and Michael’s daughter, and that fills you with dread because you don’t know if he’s going to process the truth in the way you want him to. 

Locking the door behind you again, you draw the blinds closed and return to angrily scrubbing the stove, making the pain in your injured hand worse without even using it, but at least it makes you feel something other than the gaping emptiness deep within your soul. It keeps you from going crazy. 

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the very door that you just closed. Startled, you turn around. Goosebumps form on your skin. For a second, you consider what to do. Should you go upstairs and hide? Should you call Michael? Should you grab a knife or the gun behind the fridge? 

You move toward the front door, your steps careful and calculated. The knocking intensifies. You can feel yourself quivering in the fuzzy socks you’re wearing.

Then, you hear a faint voice call out your name, and you can see Frank peeking in through the kitchen window. He waves at you as if he can see you through the slits in the blinds. You hold your breath. 

“I know you’re in there!” he calls out for you. “I just wanna talk.” There is a pause, and you stand there completely paralyzed until he adds, “It’s about yer sister.”

Your feet carry you the rest of the way to the door and you open it enough to look outside. 

“What do you want, Frank?” you snap. “Do you get off on harassing innocent people? Or are you just that stupid?”

He looks at you, and… is that guilt in his eyes? You don’t want to believe it. The audacity he has to show up here and look like that. He’s cruel, he’s vile, he is an asshole and he doesn’t deserve your attention. But he mentioned your sister. After what happened the day before, he knows that you would jump at the mere mention, and that is how he gets you. 

“I just wanna talk,” he repeats. “Please.”

“Michael’s not here,” you say. You have to stand your ground. He’s doing this on purpose. He has to be. This man is capable of unspeakable things. 

If Michael knew, heads would roll. 

“I’m not here to talk to Michael, I told ya. I’m here because o’ you.”

You let out an exasperated sigh. You shouldn’t, you know that you shouldn’t, but your body acts without listening to your common sense. You open the door just enough to let him inside. 

This is about Maya, you tell yourself. Whatever he has to say could be important. And you can’t say no to the man who threatened her once before. He is the reason she might be in grave danger. So, whatever he knows, as small as it might seem could help prevent any further damage. And if he’s lying, you can still grab the gun behind the fridge and put an end to this disgusting excuse of a human being. 

“Thanks,” Frank throws your way as he steps in, almost as if you’re friends, and you hate that he carries himself with that godawful, confidence-secreting attitude. 

Does he not realize what he did? Michael threatened him with a gun and this is how he walks around, with his hair styled and an almost sly smile on his face—it’s just a hint, but it counts, and it makes you feral. 

He stands in the kitchen, turning to you. You stand across from him, arms crossed and waiting for him to make a move. You won’t offer him a drink, that’s for sure. 

He lets out a long breath eventually, pulling something from his backpocket. You flinch at the sudden movement of his hand, and he lifts them almost as if to reassure you that he isn’t a threat. But to you, he is everything bad and more. You hate him in a way you ever only thought you could hate one person, even though it’s a different kind of hatred nonetheless. 

Frank pulls out a small envelope, looking down at it for a moment before slowly extending it to you. You frown at him. He insists you take it, but you’re not sure if you want to see the contents. 

“Open it,” he encourages you. 

You roll your eyes, reaching for the envelope. The paper feels thin under your fingers, almost rough and worn. It’s barely closed. You only have to pull a little to open it, and when you look inside, you can tell there is a series of pictures waiting for you. You shoot Frank a glare. 

“What’s this?” you ask as you take the photographs out of the envelope. 

“It’s the pictures my men took of your sister,” he answers. 

You stop. “What?!” Your voice echoes. The house isn’t even that big, but you are loud enough for the sound to carry. 

“Relax–” 

“Relax? You had my sister followed and now you come here after deliberately putting her in danger, telling me to relax? How sick can you possibly be?!”

“They’re the pictures I was plannin’ to have sent to ya so you’d leave Michael alone. I told my men to back off. I promised tha. I don’t like being threatened,” he says. “They’re the only photographs left of her. Swear to God. It’s done. It’s over. Nothin’ more to worry about, alright? So… relax.”

His voice holds a certain edge as if your anger is somehow annoying to him and not at all justified, and only for that you want to use your healthy fist to hit him.

No, you won’t fall for it. You see a glimpse of humanity, but you refuse to let it blind you. People like him know how to fool someone in a crisis like you, and they use that vulnerability to their advantage. 

You take out the photographs he gave you. He’s right, it is Maya. Your little sister, all alone and vulnerable. It’s so different to see her walking the streets of London after school, hanging out with the few friends she has, and–

You stop. The last picture has your father in it. The look in his eyes resembles death. He smiles at your weak mother, but there is nothing but evil in his eyes. You can see that he has no soul, he never had one. It makes your stomach churn. 

“You’re lying,” you say, but your voice is barely above a whisper. “This was never supposed to happen.”

“Believe me or not, but it’s done,” Frank repeats. “They won’t hurt her, and for the record, I was never plannin’ on havin’ her hurt anyway, but after what you said about your father… You know, we can help–”

“Don’t even start,” you cut him off. “You had men follow my sister and put her in danger because you didn’t think. You were dissatisfied with Michael choosing himself over your twisted family for once in his godforsaken life, and you were ready to let it out on an innocent child you didn’t know instead of taking it up with me. That makes you as much of an asshole as my bastard of a father, and I’ve encountered many people in my life. You threatened me and my sister and that is not something I can just forgive. So forgive me for not trusting you, but you have done nothing to earn it.”

He nods slowly, processing your words and agreeing, “Yer right. For what it’s worth, I’m…” And he struggles to say it. “Sorry,” he says. 

You stare at the pictures, then back at Frank. Tears of frustration and pure rage form in your eyes, and they already start pricking at the corners. “Get out,” you say, trying to stay calm. 

“C’mon now, let’s not make such a big deal out of it. You know that ya have your own problems and that you’re not ready for what this family brings with it. I just wanted to protect us. I only hurt those that need t’be hurt, not innocent children.”

The urge to punch him grows with every passing second. Every word in your head makes less and less sense as you start losing sight of what’s most important. You want to give in to your anger. You want to be selfish. 

But you can’t. You can’t allow yourself to give in. This is not who you are. And Maya wouldn’t want you to lose sight of that as much as she wouldn’t want you to lose sight of her. 

“You already hurt her,” you say.

“I didn’t. She’s alive. She’s no longer being followed, and your father has no fuckin’ clue ‘cause my men aren’t that stupid. What more do ya need?”

“Frank,” you spit his name like a snake would dig her teeth into its victim. You’re inching closer to the point of disaster. “I’m going to ask you nicely,” you say, “even though you don’t deserve any bit of my kindness. Get the fuck out of this house or I swear to God, I will make use of the gun Michael keeps around here and shoot your cock off!”

Instead of cowering in fear at your tone, Frank only smirks. He looks surprised, impressed even, but not scared. At this point, you’re boiling like a tea kettle on a gas stove.

“I was wrong ‘bout you,” he says. The sound of impress is laced in every vibration of his vocal cords. 

You stretch the fingers of your uninjured hand. He needs to get out. Now. 

“If you don’t get out, I will call Michael right now and tell him you harassed me.” It’s your last straw. He doesn’t respect you, so maybe he will respect the man that already bashed his head in. 

The next time he comes face to face with him, you know he won’t be as merciful. 

You pull out your phone. “I’m sure he’d love to hear what you had to say to me, word for word.” You unlock it and select your boyfriend’s contact at the top of the list. “I have a very good memory, you must know. I can remember conversations pretty vividly.”

Of course, it works immediately. Frank’s face falls. As soon as you mention Michael and the possibility of telling him every last word that was passed between you in the past five minutes, he takes a step toward the door. 

“Take care of yourself,” Frank tells you, and you have never been so relieved to watch someone walk away from you as you are now. 

You’re quick to lock the door behind him, letting out the breath you had been holding before, and your entire body quivers as you sink to the floor with the photographs in hand. The tears start streaming down your cheeks as the helplessness of your situation settles in. 

You’re not sure where to go from here, and it is terrifying. 

How much longer can you hold on before everything around you, including the people you love, turns into ashes in front of your very eyes? 

Tagging: (let me know if you want to be tagged, too!) @bellaxgiornata @mattmurdocksscars @ms-murdockswift @your-not-invisible-to-me @shouldbestudying41 @glowstick-lesbian @acharliecoxedfan @roseallisonparker @norestfortheshelbywicked @1988-fiend @loveroftoomanyfandoms @mattkinsella @schneeflocky @harperdoodle @ravenclaw617 @lunaticgurly @mattmurdocksstarlight

[mins-fins]

love at first flannel — lee seunghwan

almost everyone has a crush on lee seunghwan.

i mean how can you not? he's gorgeous, funny, confident, literally gorgeous— did i already say gorgeous? yeah, he's gorgeous, it's insane how he just goes around like that, looking so pretty whilst doing literally nothing. he just walks around and does everything amazingly, how can someone do everything so effortlessly?

surprisingly, seunghwan never pays attention to all the people drooling over him or the love letters he's getting, probably too busy looking for job options or something.

y/n is one those people— he doesn't send love letters to seunghwan, per se, he just admires him from afar, it's pretty much all he can do.

it's not like they haven't talked, they always say hi and seunghwan makes sure to remember his name.

in all honesty, it makes him feel appreciated.

but in this moment, he doesn't feel appreciated.

when y/n agreed to let his friends drag him to a random party, he didn't expect to feel disgusted. in the past hour, more than five people have thrown up right in front of him, he's seen way too many people who aren't dating aggressively make out, and he's gotten flirted with by people who he's never met in his life.

he decides standing outside is better, he didn't touch or drink anything in whatever those plastic red cups contained because he wasn't in favor of almost getting drugged.

as the cold night breeze passes, y/n lightly curses at himself for not bringing a sweater, he didn't think he needed to bring one because it's the middle of may and cold breezes shouldn't be that cold at night, but here he was.

"i hate it in there" a familiar voice exclaims, and y/n doesn't even have to look to know who it is.

"oh, hi y/n" seunghwan smiles, y/n smiles back at him, though ignoring the thumping of his heart. "i take it that you also didn't feel comfortable in there?"

y/n simply nods, a breathy chuckle leaving his lips. "too much vomiting, making out, and weird love confessions".

"that's what high school parties are like" y/n gives a small laugh as seunghwan sighs, leaning against the wall.

y/n is surprised on how he continues standing whilst lee seunghwan gives him another smile, he feels faint, because why he is pretty without even doing anything?

they stand in an awkward silence for a moment before seunghwan comments on something else, and y/n finds it difficult to respond due to how nervous he feels around seunghwan. y/n finds himself telling seunghwan facts that he only really kept to himself, and seunghwan listens intently, staring at y/n like he's insanely interested in him.

it's an honest to god conversation y/n is having with lee seunghwan, the same lee seunghwan who pretty much everyone has a crush on. he can't believe how charismatic he is, even while talking about the simplest of things.

what a nice way to get his mind off everything stressful, y/n thinks.

until another cold breeze passes, and y/n shuts his eyes as he feels his whole body turn cold. it's clear that seunghwan notices, because he blinks before opening his mouth once again.

"are you cold?"

"no" y/n lies like an idiot, immediately shivering after he said that word.

"you're shivering" seunghwan states, raising an eyebrow. y/n blinks like an idiot, his gaze moving down towards the floor.

"i didn't think i should bring a sweater because were in the middle of may" he replies, seunghwan waves a dismissive hand.

"i totally get it".

seunghwan chuckles, the sound is accompanied by a rustling, and before he can turn around to see what he's doing, y/n feels a flannel being draped over his shoulders. his mind goes blank. though it immediately gives him a feeling of warmth, his skin breaks out into goosebumps. he immediately notices the smell of cologne, and his mind races with thoughts about seunghwan.

does he give his sweater to everyone whose cold? he's probably just being nice, y/n stop overthinking it, just because your wearing seunghwan's flannel sweater that he wears almost everyday doesn't make you special—

"it'd be horrible if you suffered from hypothermia or something" seunghwan says, oblivious to the minor meltdown he just caused. "i'd blame myself forever if you had to walk home in the cold".

y/n nods dumbly, clearing his throat as he looks at seunghwan. he feels stupidly speechless, as if he can't say anything because he's afraid he'll say something dumb, this action is seriously not helping his crush at the moment.

seunghwan is just so effortless with everything he does, it's too much for y/n's weak heart. he loves the feeling of wearing seunghwan's flannel, but then he starts feeling guilty.

"aren't you gonna be cold?" he asks in a whisper, not knowing if he could speak without his voice cracking.

"no, i'll be okay" seunghwan reassures, a small smile coming to his face. "you need it more than me anyway, i don't want you to freeze".

he's just so casual about it, whilst y/n is having twelve mini heart attacks on the inside. y/n knows he's blushing, probably hotter than the sun, but he can't bring himself to care, because his only focus is on seunghwan.

seunghwan lightly brushes his hair out of his face, like he was trying to see face clearly. "you can give it back to me on monday" he gives a small smile, twirling y/n's hair between his finger.

y/n is confused on how he hasn't passed out yet.

"alright" y/n fiddled with the sweater sleeves, his face still a shade of red. "thank you, seunghwan".

"it's really no problem".

seunghwan gives one more perfect smile, and y/n smiles back as he watches him walk away.

he still can't get over the feeling of wearing lee seunghwan's sweater.

tumblr is glitching like crazy- i'm struggling to log in to my other account and it keeps crashing so i'll come back when it's actually working!!

[planets-and-prose]

NaNo 10K Excerpt

So I hear y'all want everything to be okay, have the very lightly edited last little bit that I slammed out last night!

Their last class behind them, Briar tossed their bag down in Dr. Adams’ office and slumped in one of the chairs. At least Dr. Adams was one of the professors that cared enough to have somewhat comfortable seating. Dr. Adams looked up, just a bit curious. Her right arm was in a sling, since the shoulder wound she sustained had apparently severed some tendons.

“Rough day?” she asked. Briar made a face.

“I am going to lose it if I don’t get my color vision back soon,” they grumbled.

“I mean at least you didn’t get the danged hospital bill that you didn’t wanna get,” Dr. Adams huffed. “The healthcare system in this country’s gonna give me an ulcer and then charge me way too damn much to treat it.” Briar smirked—Dr. Adams arguing with a nurse about how she didn’t need to go to the ER for severed muscle and tendons, using the words “it’ll just work itself out,” was still a funny image, and that nurse seemed so vindicated when Briar sided with him and made Dr. Adams head to the hospital.

“At least you’re still gonna have a working arm and everything. And you don’t have to deal with dog time.” Briar rummaged in their bag for their notebook and handed it over to Dr. Adams. “How do these data look, by the way? I feel like I’m missing something, but it’s not coming.” Dr. Adams took the notebook, and started looking through it.

“If ya ever need a babysitter—you know, during your time of the month,” Dr. Adams teased, “I’m sure ya got my number already. I’m sure I can make sure ya don’t tear too much up.”

“I told you, I have it handled,” Briar sighed, watching Dr. Adams look over the work. “You just wanna see me be a puppy now.” All Dr. Adams did was smile, still looking things over. “But seriously…thank you for everything. I…didn’t know how bad I needed to talk to someone about this. Until, well, I did.”

“Don’t mention it. I wasn’t lovin’ the whole “hunting alone” thing either, so I’m not too opposed to havin’ a right hand…person. Also, I know it ain’t what you’re lookin’ for exactly, but these PH readings can’t be right for your soil. Some of ‘em look fine, some of ‘em would kill the plants.”

“Did I mess up the reading again!? I swear to god, if they don’t come up with better PH testing systems for people that literally can’t see color—“ Taking a deep breath, Briar looked over the numbers, and let their face fall into their hands. “I’m waiting to try this again till I get my color vision back. Or I will go insane.” All Dr. Adams could do was put a hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh.

“Aw, hon, maybe we’ll have to find something else for you to do after the full moon. Cuz I think you might lose your marbles if I keep makin’ you interpret colors.”

“In fairness,” Briar sighed, “you didn’t make me do this one. It’s for my project. But I guess. Ugh. I hate that these things are different…”

“But I’d bet there’s some’a you that ain’t mad at it.”

Briar raised an eyebrow suspiciously. “What do you mean?”

“You took to fighting as a wolf pretty easy. I think you finally let your instincts take over instead’a overthinking. And learnin’ to do that’s half the battle of bein’ someone that can manage the twists and turns life throws at you.”

You finally let your instincts take over. Briar took a breath and thought about it. The minute they just let themselves be, without overthinking or stressing, things fell into place. But that caused a pretty big issue…

“I don’t think I can do it again…” they murmured. But Dr. Adams didn’t seem concerned.

“Has anyone ever gotten anything down without practice?” she asked. “It’ll come, just have faith. We’ve got plenty’a time figurin’ out the crazy in this town to get you feelin’ better about just…being. And now that you finally let me know more about you than your alma mater and your research interests, you got me at your side every step of the way.”

When they heard that, Briar couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, Dr. Adams. Again.”

“Don’t thank me yet, this means you gotta listen to me make all the werewolf jokes you can stand,” she teased. Briar tried to scowl and make a face at her in retaliation.

But this time, somehow, Briar couldn’t manage to keep the corners of their lips from twitching up in a smile.

Tagging @k-v-briarwood , @the-grim-and-sanguine, please let me know if you wanna be added!!

[bi4bihankking]

💛Hank/Todd

Hank knew that going back to the JSA was a mistake, that it wasn’t safe for him, and that even if it was safe for him that he didn’t belong there anyway. Especially since Alan was there. Every time Hank had to be around him he was on edge, and knowing that if things went down everyone would take Alan’s side didn’t exactly help him with that.

Unfortunately for Hank, he was the most easily available telepath for the team (in more ways than one), which meant that if they needed one, he would obviously be the first person they called. Which meant that he had to see Alan a lot more often than he really wanted to (which was not at all). He’d said that he was used to the feeling of knowing what people thought of him every second, but that wasn’t exactly true; here was the only place where everything some people thought about him was bad.  

He tugged awkwardly at his costume, no one was going to be comfortable with him still wearing this, it was the one that Mister Mind had worn, it was a villain’s costume, because his old one still hung off him, everything but skintight nowadays. It was just that going to the effort of making a new one that fit seemed like too much when they called him in so rarely.  

Well, it was probably time to face the music. Taking a deep breath, Hank gripped the doorknob and pushed, stepping into the darkened building. Darkened and quiet. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, but Hank wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.  

He did have the distinct feeling that he was being watched, though... it was more than a little disconcerting and seemed to get worse the further into the building he went. Not that he could find any source for the feeling; the building was empty as far as he could tell; whichever direction he looked in, there was no one there. He couldn’t even pick up any brain patterns.  

He hoped that this wasn’t how he found out that seeing ghosts was part of his psychic abilities.  

Henry swallowed. Maybe he was overthinking things. Maybe everyone was just in the meeting room already. He should try to find them before panicking, he decided, heading in the direction of the stairs. The feeling of eyes on him followed him the entire time.  

There wasn’t anyone in the meeting room when he poked his head in, though, and he couldn’t pick up any thoughts from anyone anywhere in the building. It was like it was empty. Actually, now that Hank thought about it, the message he’d gotten asking him to come out here had been automated, hadn’t it?  

What if this was a tra-?  

Suddenly, he found his body being whirled around, his back slammed against the door (the knob pressing painfully against his back), with a muscular forearm pressed right up against his throat.  

“Todd?!” He managed to get out before the arm cut off his airway. Todd was leaning in close, shouting something that Hank couldn’t make out, his teeth flashing maliciously, and all the telepath could think was: ‘God, I want him to bite my lips.’  

Perhaps his mental state hadn’t been entirely fixed by a worm eating his brain. Who could have guessed.  

“Why are you avoiding me?” The other man growled, and Hank could finally understand him, but the problem was... seeing him shadowed up and angry like that was definitely bringing back the reasons that he would avoid him. But Hank definitely couldn’t say: ‘Because you tried to kill me.’  

“I’m not av-” He started, but there were tendrils rising menacingly out of the shadows that surrounded Todd, so he thought better of it. “Why do you think I’m avoiding you?”  

There was a scoff, and suddenly, the arm was gone, and a thumb was tracing Hank’s cheek. “I know you read my mind. You said you did. You can’t deny it anymore. You read my mind, and you think I’m disgusting now.”  

Todd was such a weirdo. Hank didn’t know why he was supposed to remember something he did while completely out of his mind on drugs, with massive brain growth to boot, but whatever it was, Todd did not want him to know it. But Todd also definitely wouldn’t believe him if he said he had no idea what he was talking about.  

Dealing with him was a nightmare.  

“I don’t think you’re disgusting...” Hank tried.  

“Then prove it.”  

What the fuck did that mean?  

Henry had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do, but he had a feeling that reassuring Todd that he was his buddy and he loved him was not what he was going for, especially since it was kind of a lie. Todd had tried to kill him, and Todd had decided that whatever Alan was doing to him was fine; Todd had said that he was fine with it if Hank spent the rest of his life wallowing in his own filth in an institution. Todd had definitely said that they weren’t friends and never had been first.  

Maybe he should...  

“Reading my mind is cheating, and I thought you said you wouldn’t read a friend’s mind any more than you’d read their mail. Unless that was something else you were lying about.”  

Hank was mostly trying to shut him up when he kissed him. It was a stupid thing to do, and it was obviously not the right answer to whatever insane riddle he was being forced through. Teeth clashed against his own, and Todd froze. Hank winced, fully expecting to be torn apart by tendrils. He definitely wasn’t expecting Todd to kiss back. He didn’t know why Todd was kissing back.  

To be honest, the fact that he was was terrifying Hank a little. Hank had spent years cultivating a level of distance from everyone he knew. He would be friendly, sure, but his past and his life and all of his feelings were all a very well-kept secret. How was he supposed to deal with someone suddenly coming in and wanting to break down all his walls.  

Of course, he bolted, without even asking where all the old men had gone. He was admittedly more than a little selfish. 

[numbknee]

you think kyle needs meds for anxiety?? what’s ssri’s??? elaborate 👀

Sure! SSRIs are "selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors" and it's a class of medication commonly used for anxiety and/or depression. Some brand names for SSRIs are Prozac, Lexapro, and Zoloft (or the generic names fluoxetine, escitalopram, and sertraline respectively). there's a bunch of other ones but those I think are the most commonly used at least in the US.

I kind of go back and forth with myself about this, but I can see Kyle as the type of person to develop chronic anxiety/generalized anxiety disorder, especially as he gets older and more stressors are added onto his life: school getting harder, relationships getting more complicated, needing to figure out a future career, etc. In the show, we've seen that he's already pretty neurotic to begin with, and he has a tendency to overthink and worry about things much more than his peers would, especially regarding stuff like morality.

He'd probably be really good at hiding his anxiety though, from others or even himself, and be in denial about it for a long time. In the back of his mind, he'd think "Oh well, I guess it's normal for someone to be stressed out all the fucking time like I am. Seriously, look at the world we live in! How could you not be worried about everything?" — all the while not realizing how bad his mental health has gotten and that the degree to which he's stressed out isn't normal.

It would manifest as worsening irritability, sleep problems, poor concentration, and his performance in school or at his job suffering. I feel like he wouldn't seek out professional help unless he reached a hard breaking point, like having a panic attack in public or failing a class because he couldn't sleep before his final exam. Whatever it is, it serves as a wake up call for him and he finally recognizes he needs to do something about it or else he's basically letting his own brain fuck himself over.

I think Kyle is so goal-oriented that once he does decide to seek help, he'd probably get his shit together pretty quickly all things considered. He gets a therapist, finds meds that work for him, and deals with the problem head-on because jeez man, he's got shit to do. He can't afford to keep feeling like shit all the time.

In the context of kyman, Cartman would of course be supportive because he cares about Kyle more than he'll ever admit. He's an asshole at heart so he does like seeing Kyle suffer to some degree, but not like that. And Cartman wants to be the cause of that suffering, not Kyle's own brain being a little shit and taking all the fun out of it. That's fucking lame. So he makes sure that Kyle takes his meds (albeit in the most obnoxious way possible à la my tags on this post) and talks him down when he's overstressed or overthinking and lets him know that he doesn't have to deal with everything on his own because otherwise that would be a gross violation of the bro code AND the boyfriend code. They're a team, goddammit!! "GOD KAHL, stop being a stubborn fucking dickhead and LET ME HELP YEEWWW!!"

Anyway yeah that's my take on Kyle and his anxiety! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[thestuffieguardian]

Hii, how are you? First of all, I would like to apologize for the length of this message and for any mistakes, as English is not my native language. I understand written English very well, but I have difficulty writing by myself, so I always use translators to communicate with you. No matter how hard I try, sometimes it seems that certain things don’t sound as good as I intended. However, I will do my best. Well, here we go. You don’t have to respond to this, because I really don’t expect a reply, and I don’t want to show off to the other people who follow you. I just wanted to share a few things because, for some reason, I felt compelled to say them. I hope to communicate in a way that reaches you correctly. I’m sending this anonymously because I don’t want credit for it; I just want to express a few thoughts with the intention of warming your heart, just as you do for us every day. I genuinely felt the need to tell you how much I appreciate what you do for us. I often feel lonely and lost. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for years, and Tumblr has served as an outlet for me—essentially, a personal journal. It’s a place where I could be myself for 13 years! Haha, yes, that’s a long time; I’ve been here since I was a teenager. Even though I felt good expressing myself here, it was just that: a personal journal. Recently, however, I found your blog, and something inside me changed. These days, I can honestly say that you make me feel better. You’ve shown me that there are more people like me out there and that there are good people in the world—not just those who want to use or deceive you. I’ve noticed you’ve had some tough days recently, and I just wanted to say that I understand how overwhelming and exhausting those days can be. I understand how cruel the world can be at times and how exhausting people can be. But I want to express my gratitude—to God, Mother Nature, the Greek Gods, the Universe, or whatever it is that governs this existence. I am thankful to have found your blog, and although I only know a small part of you, that small part is enough for me to be grateful for your existence! I have already mentioned in another message how happy I am to know you exist, as it gives me hope that the love of my life is out there somewhere. I apologize if I’ve gotten a bit lost in my thoughts and if I sound confused. I tend to overthink and struggle to articulate everything that’s on my mind coherently. :( Anyway, I just thought it was important to tell you how much I appreciate your existence on this chaotic planet. Thanks to you, I feel understood and hopeful for better days and better loves. I used to feel stupid for believing in love, for expecting someone to look beyond me, to see my soul, to love every little broken and tired part of me. My past “loves” weren’t good for me, but your perspective on love has shown me that I’m not foolish; I just haven’t met the right person yet. So, thank you. I will never stop hoping. I also wanted to thank you for reading, I know my English isn't the best in the world, and I know you get a lot of thanks for reading. But I have a particularly important story (to me) with stories from my childhood.I thought I had buried it deep in my mind, but hearing you read brought it back. It wasn’t in a bad way; quite the opposite, actually. The first time I heard it, I cried with all my heart because my younger self felt welcomed and cared for. I’m grateful for the moments of comfort and affection you provide for all of us sensitive broken girls. In conclusion (sorry again for the lengthy message and I'm sorry if I said anything wrong), thank you for taking the time to read this. You do much more than you realize. You touch and help the lives and hearts of many more people than you might think. I’ve told you before that you are important, and I stand by that. You are important to me. Thank you for caring for my wounded soul, even without knowing that you are doing so.💜

This was absolutely beautiful. English not being your first language and you absolutely nailed it. If I could give you a grade it would be A++

This was so wonderfully put & you articulated everything absolutely gloriously. Everyone needs to read this. I don't think you're showing off to anyone at all. I think your thoughts & feelings should be heard. Thank you for taking the time to write this, as it was an absolute delight taking the time to read it 💙

[hismercytomyjustice]

If I had to guess, I’d say I’m writing at about 50% my usual speed because of how much research I’ve been doing for this fic. orz

More fic stuff below:

So far today it’s been research on Lolth and her former boo. And looking at maps trying to figure out what to incorporate in the two chapters I’m having to add closer to the beginning.

I’ve had to go back twice now, which has been super weird for me because I’ve always been a hardcore linear writer. I start at the beginning and go until the end.

Tbh I didn’t know if I could even DO that. Go back and add something, I mean. It’s just not how my writing brain has worked in the past.

I wound up going back twice before already, I think when I was at chapter four, to add a whole other scene to chapter two because it felt too abrupt.

I know it’s discouraged to edit while writing, but this was more so adding than editing?

I tend to write short, I think. I more often find myself having to add things rather than remove. Maybe that’s why the concept of “killing your darlings” has always been a little foreign to me. I don’t have enough darlings to kill. T_T

It’s kind of funny to think about though. Apparently ADHDers tend to have more divergent thinking than convergent thinking, but I think I’ve always treated what little outlining/brainstorming (bullet points of ideas for scenes) I do divergently while I’ve treated my actual writing convergently. I’m also a pantser, though I don’t love the word.

The second time, I was on chapter nine and realized not enough had happened between chapters eight and nine, so I added two new chapters there too. Or at least I think that’s where it was?

This time around I was on chapter 10 before I realized my already heavy Astarion story needed more Gale focused bits. I’ve gone back to add two new chapters after chapter four to fix this.

Who even am I anymore?! 💀 I don’t write like this. This feels illegal. 💀💀💀

It’s been nice having tumblr to externalize my thoughts on the whole process and on my writing in general though. More often than not, I’m hyperaware of all the little things I’m experiencing but I struggle to see the big picture. Journaling has always helped me with that. I wasn’t intending to journal about this in particular, but it’s helped me learn a lot about myself.

I feel like my writing has come a long way too, even if I struggle to see it most of the time. Like, I can’t believe it’s been seven years since I wrote my Cardcaptors fic.

I’ve actually been rereading a lot of my older fics recently. Having a terrible memory helps, lol. Feels like I’m reading something someone else wrote. Haven’t delved back into my original works though.

For me, with my fics I feel like the main thing I notice is that I could use more description of everything. Meanwhile, in my original stuff I feel like I struggle with description, writing strong side characters and villains, and overall story structure. This is probably true to a degree with my fanfics too, but I can rely more on the fact that, if you’re reading one of my fics, you’ve probably already got a good feel for a lot of that stuff because you already have an interest in the media I’m writing them for.

Right now, writing fics for me feels kind of like having the training wheels back on to a degree. I’m trying to use them to learn in a safer space than in my own head (lol). I am not nice to myself, though I’ve gotten considerably better over the years (yay therapy!). Being able to play in someone else’s world is a lot less fraught with things like “oh god I’m a failure, I’ll never be published, no one will ever like this, you’re wasting your time, what makes you think you can write, etc.”

Welcome back Pure O, it’s been a while! 💀 My OCD thought spirals combined with my perfectionism make my brain a not fun place to be, which makes me freeze up, overthink, and struggle to make any progress. I have spent so much time over the past few years just trying to get myself to write again and to not be so critical of my own work that I never create anything. Lol good thing I have therapy tomorrow because I think I just realized my OCD is probably a big part of what’s been causing that. In addition to good ol’ ADHD.

It also helps that you get immediate feedback with fanfics, at least on what’s working well. It’s hard hammering away at something day after day with no dopamine checks to cash. Especially if you have ADHD. I can spend just as much time on an original work that may never see the light of day, but with fanfic I am bound to get at least some people clicking the little heart icon and feeding the Netherese orb of self-doubt inside me!

Yaaaay self-reflection.

[just-jess-78]

How fucking weird is this…he just text me asking if my son got an Xbox for Christmas…he had told him he was going to get him one before he left. They were talking about Christmas stuff. Well, then everything happened and we never heard from him. He didn’t even tell my kids goodbye. He’s been with me since my youngest was one and he’s 16 and didn’t even tell him bye. That was the nail in his coffin for me. (Not that he was like trying to keep me or anything obviously but) I just replied “he did” but I wanted to say “bitch you know he fucking did because I always do what needs done” but fuck it…I’m sure he thinks his dad bought it for him. Part of me would love to let him know that I did it but why??? That’s just the part of me that’s used to trying to prove my worth to him so why when he’s the worthless one. I fucking hate him for texting me. “Didn’t want to bug you during Xmas” yeah bitch, cause I’m a real Xmas party bitch. You know my fucking schedule and you know I was home alone. You didn’t want to bug your mother fucking self bitch. Get the fuck out of here.

Ugh…my face is on fire now and my stomach is in knots. One thing about me that you can take all the way to the bank is that when I’m done I am so mother fucking done. I can’t believe I’m going to have to see him again to get divorced. I never want to exchange any kind of energy with him. Something feels so evil and off with him. I never thought about him being the type to snap but I swear I didn’t know this side of him. I don’t even think he knows that a divorce is in the works and I’m not telling him until I’m out of this house and somewhere that he won’t find me. I had just gotten to where I convinced myself that he wouldn’t hurt me and that I was overthinking the life insurance thing and now it’s right back in my head. If things go south with the new girl it’ll be my fault because everything he fails at is my fault. No matter how much sense it doesn’t make. That scares me because I know how little I mean to him now. Like clearly we weren’t besties like I thought so what would stop him. I’m overthinking everything because it shocked me when he texted. I really want to delete the last part of this but I’m not. Just in case. I’ve never told anyone that I’m afraid of him. I’ve always covered for him. He knows that too. God I can’t believe how fake my life has been. I mean I didn’t go overboard with the making it look perfect but I absolutely kept every bad part locked up like Ft. Konx.

….and I’m covered in hives now. 🙄