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magic-ace · 11 months ago

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[Chess] Go shove it up your ass: the story of Hans Niemann's (alleged) vibrating anal beads, and the biggest scandal in chess history

Fuck you Rian Johnson, there's a new exciting mystery set during Covid. And this one has butt stuff in it.

This is a bit of a bizarre case: an incident in a niche hobby went viral and spread across the Internet, to the point where most of you have probably heard at least *something* about this. But so many people don't know *why* the anal play was so controversial, or even what happened. So sit down, relax, and lube yourself up, because we're going to slide inside of the biggest drama chess has ever seen (except Bobby Whoggy).

---

A few brief disclaimers before we start.

First, I don't want anyone to say that I haven't researched this well enough, or haven't checked my sources, so during the entire writing process, I have been wearing anal beads, which vibrate at varying speeds. During this time, I have not lost a single game of chess at the grandmaster level. That may be because I haven't *played* any games at grandmaster level, but I just think the beads are working.

Second, some of you may be worried that I'm not going to approach this seriously, and will spend a lot of time making anal jokes. You're absolutely correct. This writeup will be absolutely stuffed as I jam them in for your pleasure. But I also cover all the boring non-butt stuff as well, so you can stick around for that.

Finally, I tried writing a version of this where I'd stop occasionally to address public response. That immediately became unreadable, because there was *so much*. So while I'm only bringing up major figures, rest assured that at every point of this drama, there were hundreds of thousands of memes, tweets, and flame wars. This was (and often still is) half of the jokes on r/AnarchyChess. Every single person even remotely involved in chess knew about this. This got front page articles from major international newspapers. It was *big*.

With those settled, let's dive on in!

---

# Setting up the board

Chess is the game with the little horsies and the bloated monarchy running around on a checkerboard. While not the oldest game in human history, it has certainly been the most successful and long lasting over the past 1,600 years. Over those years it has been the game of kings, a way to test improvements in programming, and the easiest way for any writer to show you that a character is super duper smart.

It's a bit odd to talk about something as widespread as chess "becoming popular", but nevertheless, that's what has happened in recent years. In a perfect storm of people staying home due to Covid, new online options to play, streamers looking for content, and *Queen's Gambit* being a smash hit on Netflix, a new wave of people to play chess. The most popular website, Chess.com noted that their daily users have grown five times larger since 2020, with five million people each day and three times the subscribers.

With that wave came increased attention and focus on watching professionals. Some are just a classic Twitch stream, but there has also been a surge of interest in the world's top players at tournaments. After all, while most pro sports had to be shut down, chess tournaments could continue online with a minimum of difficulty. And as we all know in any hobby: new fans leads to mo money, which leads to mo drama.

Now that the pieces are all in position, let's look a little more at our two players.

**Magnus Carlsen** became grandmaster at *thirteen*, and became world champion in 2013. He has held that position uninterrupted since, a record only matched by legendary Soviet chess master Garry Kasparov (Gary Chess to his friends). If I went into all of his various achievements, awards, and tournament victories, I'd hit Reddit's 40,000 character limit, so just believe me when I say that he is *good* \-- maybe even the best ever. Aside from chess, Carlsen is generally seen as a decent guy. He's known for being mild mannered and polite, being both a good winner and loser. He has also managed to turn chess into a genuinely lucrative profession, on top of becoming a model and semi-celebrity with his own chess app.

It can be easy to underestimate the skills of chess grandmasters, and just hear "he's good". It goes way beyond that. Magnus playing a regular person in chess is like Muhammad Ali boxing against a cardboard cutout of a toddler. And that cardboard cutout is soaking wet. Chess scales exponentially, so he's not just crushing the average person, he is annihilating people who have dedicated their lives to the game.

**Hans Niemann** is the opposite of Magnus in many ways. While he also started chess at a younger age, he stalled for a few years, and didn't become a professional until he was in college (what a loser, am I right?). During Covid, he got a lot more into chess, amassing a significant following over Twitch. Part of that was due to his skill, but a large degree is how... let's say *passionate* he can get, win or lose. Unlike Carlsen's poker face, Niemann is prone to fits of emotion and yelling. You can get a picture of what that looks like [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E3IsTQ5ISU&ab_channel=GMHikaru). This has lead him to be called the "bad boy of chess" (which is a bit like being the academic of the concussion ward). As you might imagine, he's not exactly well liked by many other chess players. According to close friends, Niemann has told them that he doesn't care how he's perceived, because he'll be good enough that major tournaments *have* to put up with him. He's well on his way to achieving that, with a rapid string of victories securing his spot as the fastest rising star in chess. However, even before this event, there were a number of rumors about him being a cheater.

Magnus and Hans represent the rapidly forming divide in chess, between the old and the new. This has been caused by the surge in online popularity, with far more amateur players being interested. Some don't even play that much, they just want to watch skilled streamers. As you can imagine, this can lead to more than a little bit of conflict. It also means that chess players now have *fandoms*, which is very weird, and also complicates drama, since each side's fans will follow along loyally.

Finally, the third character in our little drama. **Hikaru Nakamura** is sort of what you'd get if you crossed Hans and Magnus. He took a more traditional path to becoming successful chess player, at one point being ranked #2 in the world. However, he's far more well known for his Twitch stream, and is often credited as one of the major figures who started the online chess craze. Like Hans, he thrives on his personality -- although he tends to be less confrontational, more comedic. He has followed the time honored Internet tradition of "person who is really good at something uses their skill for stupid and ridiculous purposes", which has paid off. He is a friendly acquaintance of Magnus's, with the two of them collaborating to make the only use the [Bongcloud attack opening](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bongcloud_Attack) (a common chess meme) in a professional game. He has a rivalry with Hans, making fun of him on stream for things like his accent (Hans is known for a fake European accent, which he will forget to speak in at times).

But enough setup. It's time for the game to begin

# The Opening

>For quick development is of the utmost importance, and he who succeeds first in placing all his pieces, from their initial awkward positions, to such places as give them command of the greatest possible number of squares, has the better chance of concentrating a superior force on some important point.

---

Most people hearing about this drama assume it started at the Sinquefield cup, the incident that really went public. In reality though, it was the *second* incident.

**Always do foreplay before full anal**

The first sparks of drama occurred a month previously, in August of 2022, at the FTX Crypto cup. You may now pause to laugh at the fact that FTX sponsored an event to convince people crypto was for smart people, then went tits up and lost everyone's money after robbing them blind. But a company who got to the top by brash maneuvering and blatant lying might have been oddly prophetic.

Niemann beat Carlsen in their first match, a major victory for him. When asked how he managed to pull it off, he told reporters that "the chess speaks for itself", and wouldn't say more. Carlsen then proceeded to steamroll him in their next three matches, eventually winning the whole tournament.

This didn't exactly go *ignored* at the time -- Niemann's fans celebrated, and a few chess fans took note. But the FTX cup wasn't a prestigious competitive event, where players were at their best. It's a little like scoring some points on Michael Jordan in a game of pickup basketball: still good, but it doesn't mean you can beat him in an actual NBA game.

With that out of the way, let's move on to where it gets *really* juicy.

**Pounded in the butt by the Sinquefield Cup**

On a lovely St. Louis day, September fourth, Magnus faced down Niemann at the Sinquefield cup. It was a significant tournament, with a prestigious history, world famous players and a $350,000 prize. Ahead of the game, most of the discussion wasn't on who would win, it was how well/badly Hans would lose (or tie). He was never going to beat the world champion (especially since Magnus played white, a major advantage), but he could prove his skill by how close the game was. Except... Hans didn't lose. He won. Carlsen went on to hand Niemann his ass in the two speed chess games which followed, but nobody cared about those. The drama had begun.

This was... an upset can't even begin to describe it. Carlsen has been the world champion since 2013, and the #1 rated player since 2011. Since 2011, he has only lost nineteen times in classical games where he played white (to fifteen players). Given that he was playing against some of the best players in the world, that is a *staggeringly* impressive record. At the time of this game, he had not lost a similar game in the last fifty-three sittings, over two years. Niemann isn't *bad* \-- he's still competing at a level that most people could barely dream of, especially at his age. But this would be like if a random athlete from Belgium managed to outrun Usain Bolt. While wearing crocs. And hungover. Not to mention, it seriously damaged Magnus's attempts to raise his rating to 2900. The win seemed too good to be true -- which as it turned out, might have been because it wasn't.

**Magnus withdraws**

In a move that shocked and confused the chess community, Magnus withdrew from the tournament the next day. He refused to state why, only tweeting out [this](https://twitter.com/MagnusCarlsen/status/1566848734616555523?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1566848734616555523%7Ctwgr%5E78e3b897f66f8becfe7d31ba89075dd1472167ef%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fnew.chess24.com%2Fen%2Fwall%2Fnews%2Fmagnus-carlsen-withdraws-from-the-sinquefield-cup) \-- a withdrawal message, along with a video clip of Jose Mourinho saying "If I speak, I am in big trouble".

Jose Mourinho. The soccer/football coach. Whose comment about not speaking was because he wasn't allowed to make allegations of cheating.

Oh shit.

It may not seem like it, but in professional chess, this is a Very Big Deal. Withdrawing from a chess tournament, by your own choice, without some kind of emergency, at this level of play... it just isn't done. It's not just rare, or uncommon, *it doesn't happen*. Magnus had never done so in the past, nor had any other chess player at his level in the past fifty years. Former champion Gary Kasparov spoke out, asking Magnus to explain the decision, and calling it "unprecedented".

Along with the shock of him withdrawing, it meant the few games he'd already played were annulled for the purposes of the tournament -- so Niemann didn't get any benefit from his win. This almost certainly wasn't Magnus's main intent, and he didn't have a choice in it, but it can easily be seen as him twisting the knife.

The organizers politely wished Magnus well, and confirmed that he hadn't submitted any formal cheating complaint. Despite that, they instituted a fifteen minute delay on the broadcast, and increased anti-cheating measures. They later tweeted out that no player at the tournament was suspected of cheating, all of which fueled rumors even further.

**Niemann responds**

Niemann gave a [post game interview](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCeJrItfQqw&list=PLVWaFpMwtaGje62nXsd8ryInBy-nkKZs7&index=23&ab_channel=SaintLouisChessClub), discussing both the game and Carlsen's withdrawal. In it, he said

>And I think even if it was a draw, he was so demoralized because he was losing to such an idiot like me. It must be embarrassing for the World Champion to lose to me.

Not helping yourself dude.

Hans then went on to explain that, in actuality, it was all a big misunderstanding. Referring to it as a "ridiculous miracle", he explained that when studying Magnus's past games (a common tactic), he had seen Magnus use a similar variation of his opening against Wesley So at the 2018 London Chess classic. Problem solved, right? Still a good game, just a lucky one. Everyone can go home.

Except Magnus didn't play that opening against So. In fact, neither Magnus nor So played in that tournament at all, and analysts mentioned that the tactic was an unusual one for Magnus, not a repeat.

Whoops.

Throughout the whole interview, Niemann seemed to be struggling. He was unable to give explanations for some of his moves, and tried to argue that a computer's prediction for a move was wrong (it wasn't). All of this just caused even more speculation to grow.

PlayMagnus (Magnus's chess app) tweeted out in response to the interview, with a link to an article called "greatest chess scandals", and [a meme](https://imgur.com/a/Y3ms3Fr). This was quickly deleted.

**Suspicions of cheating**

As mentioned at the start, the chess world exploded. People argued, analyzed, and took sides, all while the memesters reveled in glorious chaos. The reigning world champion was taking on one of the most polarizing figures in chess. As mentioned previously, the chess corner of the Internet was on fire, and the blaze was quickly spreading.

Professional chess players generally stayed neutral. Some of them, such as Kasparov and Karpov (who, despite their names, aren't a comedic slapstick duo) seemed to take Niemann's side, arguing that the game showed no evidence of cheating. However, most critics added that they would like to hear Magnus come forward with actual complaints and allegations so that they could make a real judgement. Professional chess is relatively drama-free, with many unspoken rules of etiquette, so no one wanted to rock the boat. They were professional, reasonable, and *very* unsatisfying to read about, so let's talk about the fightin'!

Hikaru became a *very* significant figure in all this. He had never hesitated to criticize Hans before, and he made his thoughts very clear: Carlsen had withdrawn from the tournament because he believed Niemann had cheated. Given that he was a streamer, his analysis of the situation was far more animated and entertaining than most other professionals. He also claimed that Hans had been banned from Chess.com in the past for cheating, a claim repeated by several other figures in the chess world.

I'm taking time to note Hikaru's response, because he was a crucial part in all of this. Of course it was always going to be a drama within the chess community. But Hikaru is notable for both being an Internet person, and *understanding* the Internet. He communicates in memes, in jokes, with big splashy statements that throw aside rules of etiquette. No major drama can thrive off of bland, pre-planned press releases and ten hour long analysis videos that end inconclusively. Magnus and Hans may have lit the fire, but Hikaru was the oxygen that it needed to grow into an inferno.

Both sides had a lot of arguments, so I've gathered them all here.

||Magnus fans|Hans fans|

|:-|:-|:-|

|Hans's performance fell after the Sinquefield cup started using stronger anti-cheating methods, going from a 270 ELO to a 250|His performance is worse now because he can't cheat like before.|Hans was publicly accused of cheating by a major figure, and chess is a highly mental game. It makes sense that he'd lose focus. Plus, other players in the tournament had similar drops in performance.|

|Experts looking at the game suggested they didn't see any proof of cheating|That's because Hans did so subtly, and used technology sparingly. High level cheating can be hard to detect without analysis.|There's no evidence of cheating because there was no cheating, Magnus is just mad.|

|Hans's interview made it look like he didn't understand the moves he made, and made a false statement about learning from Magnus's past game|He clearly didn't make all these moves himself, because he's unable to understand them. His lie about analyzing Magnus's past game proves this even more.|Again, he was just accused of cheating by the world's best chess player. Of course his head wasn't in it.|

|Hans has a long history of credible cheating accusations|Once a cheater, always a cheater. Why would he stop?|There's not enough proof to say that. Also, the allegations are that he cheated in online matches, not high level in person tournaments.|

|The tournament had vigorous anti-cheating methods even before they increased them|Clearly, they weren't good enough, and we've seen evidence of people evading them in the past.|This shows that Hans couldn't have cheated even if he wanted to.|

**An aside: Cheating at high level chess**

I figured it'd be worth taking a moment, and explaining *why* there was such debate. After all, if Hans cheated, it should be easy to find out, right?

The problem with catching cheaters at high levels is that it is *very* difficult to do accurately. While plenty of cheaters get caught, they tend to either be low level players or they're physically caught with communication devices. The usual method of analysis is to compare the move suggested by a computer to the move played, and see how often they match up. Unfortunately, this is only really effective for amateurs. After all, "this grandmaster who dedicated years of their life to chess made a lot of optimal moves!" isn't exactly an airtight claim. They also have the skill required to play without the computer, so they can use it sparingly, and not get caught by an algorithm. Niemann could have made a move from a computer, then two or three of his own, then the computer, and so on.

So while analysis can prove that Niemann wasn't *entirely* relying on a computer, and it can *suggest* that his moves were his own, it is very hard to say that he never used one.

Making it even more difficult, chess is a game where a tiny advantage can have massive effects. A single suboptimal move -- not even bad, just suboptimal -- can lose you the whole game. Think about it like Olympic sprinters. Sure, adding 0.05 seconds to their time wouldn't seem like a big advantage. But at their level, a tiny advantage to one competitor can be what it takes to win.

One last thing: chess is a highly mental game (all those buff chess players you see are just a coincidence). So someone's emotional state, sleep patterns, hell, even their appetite can all provide that tiny edge someone needs. Remember that for later.

**Digital anal-ysis**

This is the point where the vibrating anal beads theory first started. Note that it started as anal *beads,* not a plug, like so many foolish butt plebeians thought. Trust me, *completely* different feel.

People joked that Hans Niemann had vibrating anal beads up his ass, with a friend watching the game. The friend would plug the board into an AI, get the best move, and vibrate it to Hans using the butt toy.

From what I can tell, Chessbrah was first to mention it on a stream (although Eric Hansen may have done so first). Within minutes of him saying it (and no, I'm not exaggerating), r/AnarchyChess had gleefully jumped onto the meme, and were milking the ~~prostate~~ joke for all it was worth. The most iconic version of it was penned by u/XiTro with [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/chessmemes/comments/x8217h/the_real_answer_is_actually_elementary_magnus/). Even Elon Musk (thrice cursed spawn of a dozen devils that he is) [weighed in on Twitter](https://www.chessdom.com/elon-musk-comments-on-accusations-towards-hans-niemann-tweetoftheday/).

Most treated it as the meme that it was, but a number of people seemed genuinely convinced. Several poor, long suffering reporters were told by their editors to go do a serious article about the potential butt-bead usage. An adult cam site even offered Hans a vast sum of money if he'd play nude to prove he didn't have anything up his... sleeve. The anal beads meme became far more well known than any of the other legitimate complaints about cheating.

**Hans finally responds**

In another interview on September sixth, Hans discussed the allegations. And oh boy, he came out swinging.

Throughout the entire interview, he was clearly pissed off. He admitted that he'd cheated twice on Chess.com -- once at age twelve, once at sixteen. But in the three years since then, he claimed he had played completely honestly. In addition, neither of the games was significant. There was no money or official tournament involved. Why should he continue to be punished for the mistakes he'd made as a kid?

He even seemed to address the anal allegations, which had clearly left him sore

>They want me to strip fully naked, I’ll do it ... I don’t care, because I know that I’m clean. You want me to play in a closed box with zero electronic transmission? I don’t care, you know? Name whatever you guys want.

Hans, buddy, with all kindness: I really do not want to see you strip naked. Please don't.

But all of that became secondary. Because in the interview, he announced that he had just been banned from Chess.com because of the recent match against Magnus. Remember how I mentioned earlier that Magnus had made a chess app? Well, just over a week before Magnus had lost to Niemann, Chess.com had offered to buy it for $87 million. That deal was later finalized, with Magnus becoming a "Chess.com ambassador".

The plot thickens.

Hans accused Magnus, Hikaru, and Chess.com of trying to destroy his career, and announced that he was going to fight back. Why Hikaru? Well, Hans had noticed what was being said in the stream, as shown [in his tweet](https://twitter.com/HansMokeNiemann/status/1567665353727135746).

The day after this, Chess.com uninvited Hans from a major tournament, explaining that they'd reached out to him privately to explain his ban, and reiterating that it was *not* in retribution for Magnus's loss.

# The Middlegame

>We must throughout maintain a favourable pawn formation, in view of the end-game which might be forced on us by exchanges. On the other hand, as soon as we have gained an advantage sufficient to secure the victory in the endgame, we must ourselves, by the exchange of pieces, try to reduce the position

---

**The rematch of the century.**

On September 19th, both Magnus and Hans were set to play against each other once again, in the Julius Baer Generation cup. The chess world waited with bated breath, and watched the stream to see what would happen.

Magnus made his opening move... then resigned, and switched off his webcam.

People were *shocked* \-- most of all the [poor announcers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW9Z_-wxq4E&ab_channel=GuardianSport) left to deal with it (seriously, just watch their reactions). A number of popular streamers were live streaming the game, many of whom had [similar reactions as they watched it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rel6kLRZ-2w&ab_channel=ChessWolf). This was a definite breach in etiquette, and it shattered any remaining possibility that Magnus didn't suspect Hans. He was clearly refusing to play against him, and was purposefully making that statement in the most dramatic way possible.

It also pissed off a *lot* of people, including those who were fans of Magnus and who believed Hans cheated. The common sentiment was that if Magnus really believed Hans was a cheater, he should officially come out and say so, not dance around with middle school "I'm not playing with you" bullshit.

Magnus had stated that he'd refuse any interviews during the Baer cup (for reasons that are obvious in retrospect). However, when asked on broadcast, he replied

>Unfortunately, I cannot particularly speak on that, but people can draw their own conclusions, and they certainly have. I have to say I'm very impressed by Niemann's play and I think his mentor Maxim Dlugy must be doing a great job.

Hot *damn*. You can dislike Magnus, but the man has a genuine talent for subtle burns. Maxim Dlugy *was* Hans's mentor... and had been caught in a very public cheating scandal.

The International Chess Federation (FIDE) sent out a [tweet](https://twitter.com/FIDE_chess/status/1573337597879123969?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1573337597879123969%7Ctwgr%5E007c4f901c4aca744575b3562fd9e662e2fb4e8c%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbssports.com%2Fgeneral%2Fnews%2Fchess-sex-toy-cheating-scandal-explained-world-no-1-magnus-carlsen-hans-niemann-in-wild-sports-controversy%2F) with their thoughts on the situation. They weren't the ones running either tournament, but they explained that, as the governing body for the chess world, they were tied up in it. Their message was similar to what most others were saying: "Cheating is bad, and we'll look into it. But Magnus, dude, get a hold of your shit and do this properly." It was a message that could have been crafted by a dozen politicians, saying a whole lot without taking a side.

(Magnus went on to win the Baer cup anyway, but no one really gave a shit about that.)

**Magnus finally responds**

The day after winning the cup, Magnus [tweeted out an official statement](https://twitter.com/MagnusCarlsen/status/1574482694406565888?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1574482694406565888%7Ctwgr%5E007c4f901c4aca744575b3562fd9e662e2fb4e8c%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbssports.com%2Fgeneral%2Fnews%2Fchess-sex-toy-cheating-scandal-explained-world-no-1-magnus-carlsen-hans-niemann-in-wild-sports-controversy%2F)

At this point, the gloves were off. He formally stated that he believed Hans was cheating, calling out not just one game, but his entire adult career. He talked about how cheating was an "existential threat" to chess, and how he wanted to fight it as a whole. At least in terms of worries about general cheating, Magnus is correct. Chess is experiencing a boom in popularity (with far more prize money), and is moving online, which means that people suddenly have much more motivation and opportunitY to cheat. This reframed the issue, from Magnus protecting his own reputation, to him defending the game as a whole from cheaters.

Magnus pointed out that Niemann had not been taking their game as seriously as most players would, appearing relaxed and not paying attention "while outplaying me as black in a way I think only a handful of players can do". This can certainly come off as a tad... egotistical, but Magnus seems to just be stating the facts as he views them. Chess is a highly stressful mental game, and grandmasters excel at studying each other's body language. A game with the best player in the world *should* have had more of an effect. Was Hans relaxed because he knew he was guaranteed to win? Or was he just really good at bluffing?

But what's that? What's that teeny little sentence near the end that most people overlooked?

>I am not willing to play chess with Niemann

What many people would come to realize is that this was *massive*. If you're organizing a tournament, and you have to pick between the world champion and a guy who is a pretty good player (with a very bad reputation to boot), who are you gonna go with? Magnus had already proven he would follow through on his threat. He was essentially shutting Hans out from a lot of high level play, silently asking organizers to pick a side.

**A new challenger has entered the arena -- the Chess.com** **report**

Chess.com had been mostly quiet after banning Hans, just denying that it was in retribution for Carlsen's loss. And then, on October fourth, they released their [report](https://www.chess.com/blog/CHESScom/hans-niemann-report) (alongside a [Wall Street Journal Exclusive](https://www.wsj.com/articles/chess-cheating-hans-niemann-report-magnus-carlsen-11664911524). And they brought the receipts.

The document is seventy-two pages long, and includes detailed analysis of over a hundred online games played by Hans, proving that he'd cheated in them. They used software, checked with experts, and looked to see how often he was clicking away from the page mid-game. All of that combined showed a frequent pattern of cheating. Contrary to Hans's previous claims, he had absolutely cheated at high levels and when money was involved, especially against other streamers. Quite repeatedly in fact. And far more recently than he had admitted.

And if that wasn't enough, it revealed that Hikaru's allegations had been true -- Niemann had previously been banned from the site. They revealed messages between Hans and themselves, where Hans apologized for cheating, which lead to him being allowed back. They also had transcripts from a call he made

>As you \[Hans\] admitted to me \[Danny\] in our call where you confessed that “having a higher rating would mean people tune in more to my streams when I’m battling Hikaru, Danya or Eric (Hansen). I need people to believe that I’m a worthy rival to follow and subscribe”.

You *have* to wonder why he'd lie about something when he had handed evidence to the people he was lying about.

They explained that they usually kept such matters private, and were only revealing them because Hans had made a number of public claims against them, and they wanted to set the record straight. The report also repeatedly emphasized that Carlsen had not been involved in the decision to ban Hans from the site or tournament, and that they had not been biased against him.

Although most of the report focused on Hans's online play using their site, a few pages were dedicated to his OTB (over the board) play. They didn't make any concrete accusations, but pointed out some irregularities in his game with Magnus, along with suggesting that his rise in success with OTB (over the board) play was extremely rapid and suspicious. However, they concluded by saying that they could find no significant evidence of OTB cheating, but suggested that someone look into the irregularities further, as they had no authority or data to make a conclusive statement.

The report closed with a brutal finale: revealing a personal letter to Hans, sent just after he made public accusations against them. Much of it just details the same things mentioned above, but they closed by offering Hans a way to get his account back, and to play in tournaments again, if he was willing to own up to his mistakes and start playing honestly. Hans had refused. His permanent suspension was no one's fault but his own.

I guess you could say they wrecked 'em. Or in in this case, they rectum.

So... drama over, right? Niemann had just gotten slapped down *hard*, and was proven both a liar and a cheater. Except it wasn't over.

**The holes in the report**

Many people, both pros and fans, pointed out that the report didn't necessarily validate Magnus's claims. It could prove he had cheated online, yes, but it couldn't provide concrete evidence that he had cheated in any OTB game, including the one against Magnus.

And as many people were quick to point out, Niemann's skill jump *would* have been suspicious -- if it weren't for Covid. Being stuck inside for so long with nothing to do but play chess obviously meant that people would grow in skill much faster than usual. Niemann's rapid growth was matched by a number of other players, and in that context, wasn't as suspicious as it looked.

Additionally, the report had included a redacted list of *other* chess grandmasters who had been banned or suspended from the site for cheating. Some fans argued that, while Hans may have cheated, there was a culture of doing so, and Hans was unfairly singled out to be made an example of.

Finally, some pro players complained that they were worried about Chess.com banning them too if they criticized them. There is no current evidence of this happening, but some have claimed they were sent threatening emails. Chess.com obviously denies that. So far, no one has come forward with any proof on those emails, so we're left to speculate.

Still, Hans would probably fine so long as he didn't do anything monumentally stupid

**Hans does something monumentally stupid**

On October 20th, Hans filed a lawsuit against Carlsen, Play Magnus Group (Magnus's company), Chess.com, Daniel Rensch (Chess.com CCO), and Hikaru, demanding a hundred million dollars for supposedly destroying his livelihood with slander and libel (among other things). He announced it by saying (and I shit you not) "My lawsuit speaks for itself". You can read the whole thing [here](https://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/23170256/niemann-carlsen-lawsuit.pdf), which I highly recommend. Please, I beg of you, read the whole thing. Or at least as much of it as you can stomach. It's like if the Navy Seal copypasta went to Harvard. It reads like a teenager making their first edgy, overpowered OC for some kind of chess fanfic, where the world is against him but he triumphs nonetheless. I mean, there is a motherfucking *narrative structure* here. Sure, it's not a *good* one, but damn if they didn't commit.

Regardless of if you think Hans cheated, his legal case is nonexistent. All parties involved -- even Hikaru -- were very careful in the wording they chose. They insinuate or accuse him of cheating online, but avoided anything that could be considered direct slander. In fact, many have since speculated this is why the Chess.com report was so purposefully noncommittal over OTB cheating: they knew he'd take them to court, and only wanted to make airtight claims. Funny enough, although the lawsuit spends a *lot* of time talking about the report, they skip over the emails in which Hans confesses.

Also, Professor Ken Regan? The guy who the filing cites as "the world’s foremost expert on cheating in chess"? The guy they claim disproved all of the claims against Hans in the report? Yeah, he's one of the guys who *wrote* the report, and is extremely pissed off about them claiming his support.

# Stalemate

>If one side or the other emerges from the conflict with some material gain, it will generally be possible to force a mate in the end-game, whilst if both sides have succeeded by careful play to preserve equality of material, a draw will generally ensue.

---

Sadly, there is no earth-shattering conclusion to all this. Magnus didn't hack into Hans's anal beads and crank them up to max when he was on live TV. Hans never managed to ***destroy*** Magnus with ***facts and logic***. Chess.com and Hikaru both filed for dismissal in the lawsuit, and while it may drag on for a long time, there is absolutely zero chance Hans will win it.

FIDE is still investigating the allegations, but it is going to be an *extremely* long process, and one unlikely to produce significant results. They require a 99% accuracy result to convict someone of cheating (barring physical or eyewitness evidence). They're pretty anal about this, and are notorious tightasses. Given that analysis by the best experts in the world has utterly failed to find anything so far, I doubt that Magnus's claims will pay off.

In contrast, the Chess.com report is airtight, and pretty much shut down any complaints in that area, as well as discrediting Hans's word. He still has some diehard supporters, but few people dispute the fact that he cheated online.

I don't think there's any party that came out of this experience with their reputation unscathed. Magnus is still widely popular, but more and more people have grown to dislike how he handled the situation, and doubt is cast on his accusations. Meanwhile, Hans's fate is far harsher. Few people still like him, and he has become more of a running joke than a serious contender. The common sentiment seems to be that even if Hans wasn't guilty of the exact thing Magnus accused him of, he was still a cheater and won't be missed. There's a heavy sense of karma around it.

It's more than a little Shakespearean: Hans had a very solid argument, and could have attracted a lot of sympathy. He *was* accused of OTB cheating without evidence, and *did* suffer because of Magnus publicly blacklisting him. If he'd stuck to that story, and avoided shitslinging, his reputation would have remained intact, and Chess.com never would have released their report. Hans has an aggressive style of play, and it appears that translates over into his real life as well. Ultimately, he is to blame for his own downfall. Worst of all for him, he's not just remembered for the cheating he did -- he is forever immortalized as "the butt plug guy". An eternal joke.

Both players have continued their professional careers. But given that Hans was [given an extra thorough ass-scanning](https://www.tmz.com/2022/10/06/chess-grandmaster-hans-niemann-butt-scan-accuse-cheat-us-championship/) at security, it seems that people are unlikely to forget. People are left with the unanswerable question:

**Did Hans cheat against Magnus?**

At the end of it all, this is the question we're left with. We know that he cheated online, that's undeniable. So he was certainly *willing* to do so. But none of the methods he used online would work in person.

The anal beads theory is obviously ridiculous (probably). However, there *have* been several instances of people sneaking in communication devices, or finding other ways to get around anti-cheating methods.

Hans has pointed to the fact that he has been scanned for devices at all games he has played in since as proof. The issue is that... it's not really proof at all. All it proves is that he's not cheating in the present, which, given that the eyes of the world are on him, just proves that he's not a complete moron. No one doubts he's good enough to play very well on his own against similar or lesser players. The question is if he cheated against Magnus, which can't be retroactively disproven.

However, Magnus is also left without any way to prove his claims. Analysis has failed to provide any significant evidence of cheating, meaning that he'd have to find proof of the method Niemann used, or get an actual confession from Hans, both of which seem unlikely to ever happen. At this point, the only things Magnus has are speculation and circumstantial evidence.

One theory suggests that Magnus had heard the cheating rumors about Hans before their game (something Magnus confirmed). As mentioned, chess is a highly mental game, and there is a noted phenomenon where players are worse when they think their opponent has a bot (they often doubt themselves, or are distracted by speculation). This may have given Hans the edge he needed for a legal victory.

I'll confess to some bias here. Obviously, I don't like Hans as a person (I doubt anyone really does). And I'll admit, I wanted to believe he cheated. But I also have to admit that, at least against Magnus, the evidence seems to be on his side. In the end, I guess the chess skill was inside Hans all along. Deep, deep inside him.

After all that, I guess there's just one thing you can say: Holy hell.

I do not even enjoy chess -- no less what appears to be strange chess RPF. Be warned, dear viewers: this anonymous ask is filled with a fair amount of swearing and absurdist sexual content. Perhaps you (no, not the asker) are, as they say, "into" chess RPF. You do you, friend.

#textposting #askposting #...#Ellipses Anon I must ask #How do you find these posts?

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