#Garak just looks… off

[mad-scientist-clown]

ds9 action figures please save me. Please ds9 action figures. Please save me ds9 action figures

[chitinleg]

got him off-balance!

[youngpettyqueen]

do you ever think about Garak waking up and seeing Julian in that chair, uncomfortably crammed in and slumped over asleep, and wonder how he must've felt when he realized Julian wasn't going to leave

[switchbackhyperloop]

I fucking love the costumes on DS9. I feel like the designers were a bit hamstrung by the fact that MOST of the characters are in uniform most of the time, so they went HARD AF on the rest of it.

Ferengi fashion? All style, no substance. It's all about signaling wealth and opulence with no taste or restraint. They want to show off EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME and ebd up looking like tacky little boys who dressed in the dark.

Jake Sisko? Honestly, I didn't quite get what the costumers were going for at first. Wtf is he wearing? He looks ridiculous. BUT THEN I started working around a lot of teenagers, and I realized that teens across times, across galaxies, across civilizations, are always dressing in ways that confuse and enrage adults. Jake Sisko is peak Weird Teen Fashion.

Out Of Uniform Kira? She wants so much to be soft and pretty. So much of her life was spent in hardscrabble guerrilla warfare. My girl just wants to wear cardigans, goddamn.

Out of Uniform Ben Sisko? Ma'am, that's my Emotional Support Weird Jazz Uncle.

Garak? Every bitchy, middle-aged queer man I've ever met, but in SPAAAAAACE.

Out of Uniform Bashir? Peak dumb twink. TIS PEAK, MY LORD.

[quasi-normalcy]

Which Star Trek series should you start with?

The Original Series: Advantages: + The one that started it all + Has some sophisticated and socially conscious science fiction that has held up exceptionally well + The lead characters all have really good chemistry and fun to see play off of one another + It's what most people probably think of when you say Star Trek (together with TNG) Disadvantages: - It can feel very dated and kind of sexist, particularly in its treatment of women - The sci-fi and social commentary may have held up, but damn it, the special effects really haven't - When TOS is bad, it's really, really bad.

The Animated Series: Advantages: + Basically just more TOS. Disadvantages: - Basically just more TOS, but substituting extremely cheap animation for bad special effects

The Next Generation: Advantages: + Probably the most popular one at this point + The crew is full of interesting characters and they're fun to spend time with + Just really smart people solving Space Mysteries + Socialist space utopia + Geordi-And-Data! + Lots of cool sci-fi concepts and social commentary + It's what most people probably think of when you say Star Trek (together with TOS) Disadvantages: - Although not in the same way as TOS, it can feel dated at times, particularly in terms of its treatment of women and it's near complete refusal to acknowledge queerness - Without wanting to bias viewer opinion, the first season is widely considered to be pretty bad - The series makes no bones about the fact that the socialist space utopia is better than every other society that has ever existed and will reiterate this point over and over again

Deep Space Nine: Advantages: + The most popular Trek series on Tumblr + Has a complete story arc, as well as arcs for all of its characters, including the extremely minor ones + Plain, simple, Garak. The humble tailor. + Garashir, if you're into that + Seriously has a really sophisticated treatment of things like post-colonial politics, anthropology, worldbuilding, and the horrors of warfare + Just the characters in general + Is the only Star Trek prior to the 2010s to even look meaningfully at queer representation Disadvantages: - Has an absolutely massive inferiority complex with respect to TNG and this drives a few poor writing decisions that seemingly exist just to poke the Socialist Space Utopia in its eye - Introduces a space religion and then just slowly turns it into Christianity with the numbers filed off - Seems to think that sexual harassment is just a quirky eccentricity - There's no women in its writers' room, and frankly it shows

Voyager: Advantages: + Probably the clearest instance of found family in space + Lots of really good episodes + Lots of fun new characters + Strong female role models + "Set a course...for home." Disadvantages: - Continuity? I never knew her! - Probably about 90% of Trek's reputation for technobabble comes from this one series - Even less queerness than TNG. - Only like...3 characters actually get arcs. - The first few seasons lean very hard into bullshit fake "Native American" spiritualism with one of the characters - How do these guys have warp drive but can't find any water?

Enterprise: Advantages: + Chronologically the first series + 90% less technobabble + The only series to plausibly frame our heroes as astronauts...on some kind of...star trek. + Still has probably the best production values of any series + Makes alien cultures of the week feel somehow richer and deeper than other series + Faith of the Heart is good, fuck you. Disadvantages: - Oh my god, the decon scenes - Seriously, if you've ever wondered what a "sexy" series written by a 14 year old boy who's only ever seen a bit of scrambled softcore porn on late-night cable would be like, this is the show for you - Somehow feels more sexist and racist than the show from the '60s - Seriously, the POC characters mostly exist to fill seats on the bridge; the women constantly have to undress themselves - Hellooooo, Bush II-era political analogies - Scott Bakula is a good actor but you wouldn't know it from this series - In season 3, they add a tambourine beat to Faith of the Heart and ruin it

Discovery: Advantages: + Noticed the lack of queer characters in the first 50 years of Star Trek canon and decided to make up for lost time + Seriously, the "Bury Your Gays" tally for this series is like...negative two + Just incredible representation in general + Some really good science fiction plots, particularly in later series + Some really fun, memorable characters + It's still running, so it has an active fandom on Tumblr Disadvantages: - Makes Elon Musk out to be one of the great visionary geniuses of history - Not really representative of Star Trek as a whole - The series swerves wildly in tone because of constant, behind-the-scenes churn in the writers' room - Offputtingly grimdark first season - Let's be honest, none of the season-long arcs have actually had satisfying conclusions - Half the cast feels like it's just there for exposition and to be killed for cheap drama

Picard: Advantages: + Has the best dramatic acting of any Star Trek series by a fair margin + Has the best musical score of any Star Trek series + Introduces a whole crew of fascinating new characters + Introduces all kinds of fascinating transhumanist concepts + AGNES. JURATI. Disadvantages: - You know all of those fascinating new characters that I mentioned? Yeah, it unceremoniously gets rid of all of them to bring back the old TNG gang. - You know that all of those fascinating transhumanist concepts that I mentioned? Yeah, it gets rid of those too so that to give us some generic action - Oh my god, someone teach the set designers to operate a fucking light switch - Grimdark - Nossssstalgia - Each season is basically unrelated to every other season - Depends so heavily on TNG that its final season is basically unwatchable if you haven't already seen a 30-year-old TV series

Lower Decks: Advantages: + It has probably the most efficient storytelling that I've ever seen; seriously, it's incredible how much it can fit into a half hour episode + It has a bunch of delightful, archetypical characters you get to know and love + You like hanging out with these people + The ship is kind of crap and you will learn to love it that way. + Basically a sitcom version of TNG. + Has a big fandom on Tumblr Disadvantages: - The art style is pretty Rick & Morty-ish - It takes most of its first season to really strike a good balance between being a sitcom and being a Star Trek series - The main character, Mariner, is kind of unlikable for the first season or so (she gets better) - Lots of callbacks to other series (though always either incidental or clearly explained) - Given that it's the first Star Trek sitcom, the comedy is honestly kinda the weakest part? Subjective I know.

Prodigy: Advantages: + Absolutely gorgeous to look at; the most visually stunning Star Trek by quite a ways + Lots of fun new characters on a cool ship + Gives you clear on-boarding notes to the Star Trek franchise if you're watching it for the first time + Can be watched on its own, but also works as a direct sequel to Voyager and a prequel to Picard (making both of them retoractively better, in fact) + Kind of like the Clone Wars or Rebels of the Star Trek universe, I guess? + Found family in space! The next generation! + Soon to be running on Netflix, so if you already have a Netflix subscription, you don't need to pay for another service + Written for a younger audience. Not necessarily an advantage, but nice if you happen to like family friendly animation or YA. Disadvantages: - *sigh* You basically need to pirate it. Thanks, Paramount. - Has a second season that we may or may not ever actually get to see even through piracy. Thanks, Paramount. - Isn't airing on the same streaming service as all of the other ones. Thanks, Paramount

Strange New Worlds: Advantages: + Basically what the original series would be if it were released today, rather than 57 years ago; all of the cool, socially consciousness sci-fi adventure, none of the weird 60s sexism + Fun, awesome characters you get to like spending time with right away + Incredible visuals + Nifty sci-fi concepts, mostly without the 90s-style technobabble Disadvantages: - A huge cast with only ten episodes a season, so many of them feel underdeveloped - Unfortunately, a bunch of its characters are younger versions of the characters from The Original Series, and they hog most of the spotlight; and the characters whose futures aren't locked in stone are kind of treated as disposable - In general, it needs to spend less time being a prequel, and more time being its own thing - "What if Starfleet ran into the Xenomorphs from Alien?" "Well, they'd probably kill them." "Okay, let's spend several episodes on this."

[misty-feathers]

i think sometimes julian and garak show each other deeply terrible media in their cultural exchange and try to pass them off as classics. just for fun

bc like i was thinking about them watching the greatest movie of our time -- the velocipastor (2017)

and garak is outraged by the stupidly inaccurate depictions of reptilian anatomy and julian's sitting there going "you know, it's a product of its time, you can't fault them for low budget costuming, just look past it to the deeper meaning"

next week garak gives julian the cardassian equivalent of gray's anatomy and tells him it's not about the medical procedures but the symbolism behind them. what symbolism? who knows. not garak bc he is completely making it up

[brookbee]

DS9 episode where Quark starts selling marriage licenses after seeing all the couples getting engaged on the station. Odo is suspicious about it.

Garak reminisces about a wife he had for 24 hours before the Obsidian Order killed her and when Bashir offers his condolences Garak says “oh no she was an awful woman, it’s just such a shame I never got to experience a divorce.” But he seems pretty broken up about it so Bashir says “oh well uh if you need anything let me know.”

One of Curzon Dax’s short lived love affairs with an arms dealer’s daughter arrives on the station. She insists they once had a Vegas wedding and they’re still married (by her people’s laws). She demands that Dax divorce her and pay alimony, but Dax is Starfleet and doesn’t have enough of the currency that the alimony would be in. Meaning that Dax would have to pay it off by becoming a gun smuggler or something. Dax says something about being a trill and responsibility for the past. Sisko orders Odo to find a way out of it before the divorce court opens in a week (they’re closed for convenient plot reasons).

Garak ends up with a marriage license for him and Bashir because, well, Bashir said anything and he always wanted to experience a divorce. Bashir is freaked out about it but he does want to make Garak feel better about everything. Except the divorce court isn’t open so he has to be married to Garak for a week. Shenanigans ensue.

Odo finds out that Curzon Dax never had a Vegas wedding and the arms dealer’s daughter bought a counterfeit license from Quark made with an older date. Turns out all of Quark’s marriage licenses are actually counterfeit.

Odo informs Sisko and Dax, and Dax has a gay moment that is also somehow heterosexual with the not-really-her-wife when they say goodbye to each other.

Quark gets threatened by Odo to stop selling the marriage licenses and for some reason there’s crazy sexual tension. But Quark agrees to stop selling them.

Bashir is relieved because he assumes that Garak bought a marriage certificate from Quark, making their marriage invalid. Quark looks confused and is about to correct Bashir, before he just shrugs and walks away.

Fade to black, music plays, they never bring it up again.

[hobbithabits]

I understand it takes a lot of the fun out of it but what if Garak was actually just a tailor. And he had really shitty social skills.

Julian staring in awe as Garak dismantles electronic systems on ds9 cause ‘Holy Shit he is a spy’ and Garak is just recalling all his school lessons on basic electronic science while stressing the fuck out cause starfleet engineers mangled the place. Half of Garak getting stuff to turn off or turn on again is his half baked knowledge of cardassian work and the fact that the starfleet tech wasn’t actually integrated very well.

Julian keeps catching Garak staring at him with that look he has, and it’s mysterious and haunting (and sexy) but Garak is just. Really attracted to him and can’t get himself to say anything.

But then it’s revealed that he’s Enabran Tain’s son and everyone’s like “oh this guy is totally a spy” and Julian bursts into his shop to confront him about it and promptly causes Garak to nearly cut his finger off with electric scissors, because “what do you mean you know who my father is? I don’t even know who my father is! and I didn’t tell you that!”

Garak genuinely thought all the spy stuff was just a really long bit and he played into it to make Julian happy. He knows how to shoot a phaser and how to fight and stitch himself up because “it’s basic self-defense and first aid, doctor!” Garak hates the idea of being a spy cause he’s a tailor and he’s a good tailor, so why in the world would he get involved in something like that? Yes he used to be a gardener and briefly did engineering but people change careers all the time, and he wasn’t as good at those as he was at being a tailor.

Garak is literally just a very smart middle aged tailor. With an awful, awful crush on a doctor who’s like 20 years younger than him—A doctor who keeps getting him involved in very important and secret starfleet issues. Truly Julian just has no sense of subtly.

[rescue-ram]

I was about to add commentary to the nice art I just reblogged but thought it would probably come off shady by accident fkckfk.

But Julian is canonically 28 in S1. We don't know Garak's age- in Improbable Cause he says Mila has worked for Tain for over thirty years, which could technically imply a thirty-something year old Garak, but A) we don't know how long Cardassian years are relative to Terran years and B) Garak is a notoriously evasive liar. Andy Robinson is 23 years older than Alexander Siddig, so I always head canon Garak as at least 20 years (or the sci-fi equivalent thereof) older that Julian- solidly middle aged, late 40s/early 50s. So yeah, Garashir insane age gap is real and makes their Whole Deal very funny to me.

Also I was curious so I looked it up just now and O'Brien is canonically 41 in S1 which also makes their Whole Thing very funny to me as well kxkckc

[vaguely-concerned]

I wanted to write out a more condensed version of the Garashir thoughts I accumulated through my read of a stitch in time, because it really is driving me slightly nuts. so here we go!

I think my basic takeaway is something like: if you look at what's actually on the page as dialogue and not just the story garak tells himself internally of what has happened between them (which is basically 'I've fucked up somehow and I don't know how or why but something's broken here and I messed it up; I have nothing left of interest to offer him', pretty clearly going over it in his head like he would trying to figure out what he did wrong when tain locked him in a closet as a child), you kind of get the feeling that julian doesn't know what to do with the way garak flinches away from him whenever he tries to get closer or offer help. (which like. not for nothing but that's actually the dynamic between garak and mila too, but with garak's role switched to the mostly-resigned seeker of contact rather than the flincher-away. we all know garak’s daddy issues but I think the mommy issues at work are doing some gulf stream shit under the surface as well lol.) so julian starts hesitating in seeking out contact in the first place, nevermind asking him for anything more when garak's also clearly falling apart mentally and seems unreachable in the first place. and Julian also doesn't want to mess this up and make something already fraught and painful even worse; he still wants to help! he always wants to help, that’s just who he is, he keeps trying through the whole book. and when garak mostly-gently but reflexively and firmly rebuffs him each time he tries… after a while it seems like he doesn't think he's welcome, or that he's imposing and garak doesn't really want him there — that he's just humoring him or something when he does let him in, just like garak was so afraid palandine was doing with him in the beginning. it’s only in the final scene between them that garak invites him in and asks for help on his own initiative. 

“I’m pleased you stopped by”/”No, you’re not,” he said quietly. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’. “You see, this is so difficult, Garak. I know what a private person you are, and how you detest people meddling in your affairs….”. “Your holosuite program. The one that allows me to visit the traumas of my childhood.”/“I hesitate to suggest this, remembering how you reacted the last time … but, yes, I feel it could make a difference,” the Doctor gamely admitted. (Julian I love you so much. Eternal optimist hours. Keep it up it’s going to get you spectacularly laid if you just get on that shuttle to Cardassia.) All these moments do not read to me as someone who has no interest in continuing or deepening this relationship (maybe the opposite, in fact), it gives me more the sense of someone who feels he keeps putting his foot in his mouth and making the damage worse no matter what he tries, and not knowing what else to do but to back off to save them both more pain. (he also needs help and support, but he’s not going to go ask it of someone who’s clearly in no position to give it (on account of visibly falling apart even more than usual). And also because the good doctor is such a hypocrite lol ‘of course you’re worth asking for and receiving help!! I’m just fine tho don’t worry about me *light is slowly dying in his eyes behind the smile as the seasons go on*’. Stiff upper lip to the point of psychological breakdown-off (cross-cultural, competitive))  

and the most painful thing to me is that after their disastrous tea party in garak’s shop, at the very least, garak clearly realizes he's hurting julian by keeping him out (But as to the question of which group suffers the most…), and he desperately wants to stop hurting him but he just doesn't know how!!! he's never learned how to close the distance! he's been locked completely into himself by the way tain shaped him and doesn't know how to get out of the closet so to speak yet! ('...am I not. *supposed* to pretend to be functional and have no needs. is that not like. my entire job interpersonally. I am confused.') it’s something Tolan already observes in him and grieves over when he comes home from Bamarren, and the years since have uh not helped with that particular problem lol. for all he longs for it, intimacy is like a hot stove to him; he can’t help but reach out, and he can’t help but flinch away when he actually comes into contact with it. almost the worst part is that I think Julian can tell some of that too and sort of understands it/doesn't hold it against him, and it just makes it even sadder, somehow. they both move so carefully around each other through this, because even in the middle of all that they really do try to be kind to each other the best they know how and it fucks me up so bad. which makes it even crazier and more touching that all of asit is basically garak processing his shit until he can get to the last line honestly — 'You're always welcome, Doctor'. he pulled a full lizardly mr darcy in the post-apocalypse here, he got around to starting to fix himself at least partly to be in a place where he could be able to meet Julian in the ways he needs if he wants that from him. And that drives me utterly insane thanks for asking!!! WILD BOOK COMPLETELY UNHINGED 300+ PAGE DECLARATION OF LOVE AND INTIMACY WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL

(this post started life as a tag ramble under @spocks-kaathyra‘s wonderful post about Julian’s side of it over here, but — as I’m sure you'll be astonished to learn at this point — I found I somehow had even more things to say, my neurons boileth over perpetually and it seems I just have to live with that)

[vintagetvstars]

Reece Shearsmith Vs. Alexander Siddig

Propaganda

Reece Shearsmith - (The League Of Gentlemen (seasons 1-3), tlc) - "...he has the LONGEST eyelashes in the entire world and the BLUEST eyes and I am really enamoured by the lil scar on his cheek that he got from an accident when he was a kid!" Full text propaganda below the cut.

Alexander Siddig - (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) - The very first actor I ever had a crush on.

Master Poll List | How to submit propaganda | What is vintage? (FAQ)

Additional propaganda below the cut

Reece Shearsmith:

I'd highly recommend people checking out him as Matthew Parker in one of the stories in the League's Christmas episode, the 70's style outfit and blonde wig suit him SO well. picture here:

Ok so given that many of the characters he plays in The League Of Gentlemen are purposefully made to be kinda grotesque and yet he STILL manages to look cute most of the time??? There's also not many actors I'm willing to check out basically their entire filmography for, but not only is he such a brilliant comedic character actor, he has a great knack for making you sympathise with some of the most bizarre and sometimes down right terrifying characters! (and yes I'm also watching everything he's been in because he's hot, sue me) He was also in a kinda weird comedy series called 'tlc' where he played a very hapless and cute doctor but it's so hard to find pictures of him in this since it only ran for 1 series and there's like 300 other bits of media called 'tlc' :( & also as Ross Gaines specifically in that one scene wear he's wearing a dressing gown. (ignore the scene that comes directly after this picture though lol... iykyk...) picture here:

Ok and final remarks: he has the LONGEST eyelashes in the entire world and the BLUEST eyes and I am really enamoured by the lil scar on his cheek that he got from an accident when he was a kid!

Also may i direct all sapphic's attention to the majesty that is him as Judee Levinson... you're welcome <3 picture here:

Alexander Siddig:

"At my first meeting with Garak I became visibly flustered. That was entirely my choice. It wasn’t written into the script. So I set off in that direction right from the get-go. And Andy (Andrew Robinson) obviously loved it, and that character became a series-long character because of that first scene. It’s an innocuous little scene on one of the little replimats on the station, and it only lasted like five seconds but it packed a punch because of the visible, kind of a charged, discomfort. That really made it. [...] I subconsciously keep that door open with just about every character that I play, and I always keep it as ambiguous as possible. One of my first roles was in [the TV movie] A Dangerous Man: Lawrence After Arabia with Ralph Fiennes and I played Feisal and again, not in the script, but that was charged with homoerotica and implied homosexuality. I’d just come fresh off that project. And I’ve done it numerous times since, characters that are written straight I just make sure are not quite straight. That’s just one of my things, probably because I’m not quite straight myself and that’s probably perfect." - Alexander Siddig in a recent interview with comicsbeat.com

[atomictourists]

I finally watched “Our Man Bashir” aka the episode created in a lab just for me.

Some thoughts:

—the visual references to Connery Bond movies, specifically Goldfinger and Dr. No, are *chef’s kiss*

—I fucking LOVE wacky holodeck hijinks episodes! I would watch an entire season of them. This is definitely my favorite now. Because spy shit.

—Garak’s professional indignity over Julian’s schlocky spy fantasy is EVERYTHING. Answering the question “what if you dropped a Le Carré character into a James Bond story?” with hilarious results.

—DOCTOR NOAH!!! I cackled! I love when DS9 gives Avery Brooks room to chew the scenery.

—my brain still hasn’t recovered from Garak dressed like Pussy Galore. I don’t think it ever will.

—I’m a Garashir Girlie 5ever but I’m still thinking about the homoerotic way Falcon!O’Brien stroked Julian’s face with the gun.

—Garak looked visibly turned on when Julian shot him in the neck.

—Rom (my beloved) got to show off his kickass engineering skills!!! I love when we get to see Rom in his element.

—the episode did such a great job parodying all the misogynistic crap in 60s James Bond without feeling like it was reinforcing that shit.

[chitinleg]

"Mister Bashir, what a pleasure it is to finally meet you."

Julian, why in god's name would you invite him to play the villain?

[jsbashirmd]

@lietwice sent:

⌚️ ( okay consider julian who has been married to garak for like 10 years on cardassia, getting the chance to talk to early ds9 garak. or, alternatively, obsidian order garak meeting ds9 julian or married cardassia julian )

When Julian awoke, he was immediately aware that he wasn't in his home. It smelled different, to start, and though the walls were in the correct places, it was decorated differently. It was also overpoweringly, suffocatingly hot. He looked first for his communication device, then for his husband and children, and when he found no sign of either, he quickly and quietly exited the unfamiliar home to widen his search. It took a matter of hours for him to discover that this was his home, but it wasn't his time. Then, his entire focus changed--his whole mission became to find his husband, whether or not Garak was his yet, and he tried not to think too hard about just why he was doing that.

It took weeks. Nearly two months, though that was partially because Garak was off-world for much of that time, but as soon as he caught sight of him, tending, carefully to his little garden of orchids, Julian was finally able to relax. He shouldn't upset the timeline, he realized. He'd seen him and he was safe and as he should be at this time, and thus reassured, Julian should just live as unobtrusively as possible while he tried to get back to his own time. But he couldn't help but linger, just for a while, and unfortunately for him and his good intentions, Garak was not content to be watched, especially by a stranger.

"Oh!" he exclaimed quietly, as soon as their eyes met. He cursed, then spread his hands to show he was unarmed, then made no other movements. "Hello. Not that it's likely to help or to convince you, but I promise I'm not an enemy operative here to spy on you."

[wanderingwriter87]

"I don't suppose you imagined it like this."

Julian looks a little puzzled for a moment, then shrugs. "I don't think I imagined this at all," he confesses. "So I'm not sure I had any expectations one way or the other."

Garak laughs. It's a sad, hoarse little sound.

"I suppose it's a uniquely Cardassian trait, then - fantasizing about the rousing arguments one night have with the object of one's affections."

Julian offers a lopsided smile. "Maybe not entirely. This just isn't the sort of thing I enjoy fighting about. I don't think you do either."

Garak humphs quietly. "What I enjoy is of little consequence, it would seem."

Julian flops over on his back. "Relationships are just like this sometimes. Which, incidentally, is exactly why I never imagined you'd be caught dead in one."

"I can't quite believe you ever saw me as unobtainable."

"Well, believe it."

It cuts too close to a painful topic, and they both fall silent.

"We both want the same thing," Garak says, finally. "As you're always saying."

"Same team," Julian agrees softly.

"And yet."

"And yet?"

"On certain things, we cannot seem to come to a consensus."

"We're from different worlds, Garak. It's understandable that we get into these tiffs sometimes."

"I think I rather preferred it when the stakes were lower."

"You don't mean that."

Garak hears the twinge of pain and hates himself for saying it. "I only meant - when we were friends, it was easier."

"Of course it was easier. We could walk away when things got too intense, and just steer clear of anything too hurtful in the future. But we're building a life together now. We don't always have that option anymore."

"I know."

"And I know the stakes are higher, but it's not... I don't exactly have one foot out the door."

"But there are limits."

"Of course there are limits. I hope you have limits, too."

An uncomfortable silence.

"Garak - this isn't going to work if we're not on even footing."

"I have limits," Garak snaps. And regrets.

It feels endless, inescapable. This cycle of pain, lashing out, and guilt. In his darker moments he thinks his whole relationship with the doctor, from that first moment in the replimat, he's simply been stringing regret to regret with only a few moments of blissful respite in-between.

He has placed Julian on a pedestal - the beautiful, brilliant, compassionate doctor. The one who always forgives him. He is only now beginning to understand that his actions have impact on the seemingly untouchable man, even when they seem to slide right off his elegant back.

It is a difficult thing to learn so late. But Tain, for all his faults, didn't raise a quitter.

"I am sorry," Garak says, very quietly.

Julian's hand flexes beside his. "I know."

"You...are the only person of consequence in my life. If you asked me to go with you, anywhere -"

"I wouldn't -"

"But if you did. I need you to understand, Julian. If you did, I would go."

Julian sighs, arches his head back into the pillow like he's trying to disappear into it. "I'm tired. Please, can we just-"

"You don't believe me."

"Elim, please."

Garak balls his hands into fists until his claws dig into his palms.

"I'm sorry," he says again.

"I know," Julian says, sounding more exhausted than ever.

The chirring of the nighttime insects is the loudest Garak has heard, since the Fire.

"Come here," Julian says, finally.

Garak slides closer, takes his place in the crook of the younger man's arm.

"I love you," Julian says.

Garak swallows. It still takes an effort. "I love you."

In time, as the night wanes, they sleep.

[dusty-cobweb]

Julian realizes that Garak is still hurting weeks after the incident with the wire. He intends to help.

tw // mention of suicide, animal death (not explicit)

Garak lied. He knew how to mold his face, suppress the suspicious lilt of his voice and stim of his hands. Yes, Garak was a very good liar.

However, today, merely a few weeks after the wire incident, his facade trembled. It wasn’t obvious, not at first. But Julian knew Garak, or at least knew how he acted.

He would smile coyly, maybe move the replicated flowers from the center of the table, press his hands together politely while Julian got his meal. Afterwards, they would exchange barbed words, meant not to hurt but to puncture holes in the other’s argument. It was fun, for the most part. One they equally enjoyed.

Now, Garak still smiled, but his lips pressed flatter than usual, painting a thin line against dull scales.

“Doctor? I do hope I’m not boring you?” Garak’s voice fluttered in, almost amused at his lack of attention.

“No! No, not at all Garak. It’s just…” Julian tried to find the words, tried to place what was so wrong with the picture in front of him.

“Just..?” Garak questioned.

“Your scales— they’re not shiny like they usually are.” Julian ended up saying, cursing himself as he did. Garak seemed just as surprised as himself, his brow ridge shooting a bit higher than usual.

“You know how work goes. Lots of commissions make for not much time for scale treatment, you understand,” He says, “Now about the Mirabal sisters; I can see what you were trying to say with the story, but in Cardassia a leader such as Chujillo”— his accent slithered out—“would never have taken power in the first place. Our peer-reviewed system prevents this.”

At any other time, Julian would’ve jumped at the opportunity to dissect what peer-reviewed meant (he suspects that’s why Garak said it), but right now all he could think about was finding out why Garak was so evasive.

“Garak,” He needled in what others have said is his “doctor’s voice”. “Do not try to avoid the subject, not with me.”

For a moment, Garak’s eyes darkened. Not in anger, but something more soulful; a bone deep exhaustion that settled heavily on armored shoulders. It was like all the life had left his body, leaving only the aftermaths of the wire in its place. And then— just as quickly as it came— it left, leaving only Garak’s saccharine sweet smile.

“My dear, there is no need to worry.” He said simply. No further explanation, no more platitudes, no lies. The worry in Julian’s heart turned desperate.

He was losing Garak.

Julian sat quietly with that thought. Garak sipped his tea. Finally, “I had a cat when I was younger.”

Garak looked at him over his tea.

“And here I thought I knew everything about you, my dear doctor.” Garak smiled lightly. Smiled as if Julian wasn’t plunging down a rabbit hole of what-ifs.

“She was the cuddliest thing— a calico, meaning she had all these multicolored spots on her fur. Gosh, she was beautiful. And wherever I went, she followed. Always my little shadow. If I sat down, she jumped onto my lap. If I showered, she would wait in the sink. Every night, she would find a way to sleep on me, even if I turned over.” Julian smiled sadly at the thought— it had been so long since he thought of Mu’izza.

“While that’s quite touching doctor, I don’t know how that’s related to totalitarian dictatorships of Latin America.” Garak once again took up his teacup.

“One day, she just got up and left. Jumped out of an open window, maybe. I don’t know.”

Garak frowned, “I’m sorry my dear, that must’ve been heartbreaking,” After a few moments of considering pause, “If she was fed well, taken care of—loved— then why did she leave you so suddenly?”

“Because cats hide when they go off to die, Garak. They don’t want to be vulnerable in front of others.”

Julian looked at Garak, really looked at him. And Garak saw his desperation, his pleading for him to understand. And of course Garak understood; the doctor was hardly ever subtle with his metaphors.

“Ah,” Garak said simply, tea cup placed gently back into its plate.

“Sometimes I think if Mu’izza stayed and let me take care of her, that maybe I could’ve saved her.” Julian’s voice got softer at the end, cushioned by a long standing sadness.

“Or maybe you couldn’t have. Maybe you would have just prolonged her suffering by helping her. Doesn’t she deserve to die when she wants?” Garak retorted. He was angry, he realized suddenly. He was so angry. Garak wanted to snarl, to bear his teeth and swipe their meals off the table, watch his delicate tea cup shatter. He wanted to throttle the doctor, make it so he could never breach his psych again.

Through his newfound fury, Garak heard the doctor’s voice flutter in again, “You’re right. Maybe she would’ve been miserable. But we’re peddling hypotheticals again. The fact of the matter is my little Mu’izza was still vulnerable when she died. It didn’t matter where she went to die, she always would’ve been powerless. At least with me, I could’ve had her in my lap, could’ve shielded her from the cold, could’ve—“ Julian’s voice wobbles, just slightly. It’s enough for him to pause, take a deep breath, and look away. Garak notices the barely there shimmer of tears in his eyes.

Oh, my dear Julian, Garak realizes. The anger at the doctor ebbs, turning into an aching love that moves him to wrap his hands around the doctors’. Julian looks back at Garak, surprised. For a moment all he does is look at their enjoined hands and Garak worries he miscalculated. Then, slowly, Julian squeezes.

“I just… I just wish I could’ve said goodbye. That’s what I really want.” Julian whispers, just for Garak to hear.

“I see that now, my dear. I’m sorry if I brought up bad memories.” Garak returns the squeeze.

“Are you sorry enough to not make more bad memories?” Julian asks. His voice was like a molten sword dipped in oil, fiery words hidden beneath a tempered tone.

“You cannot ask that of me, my dear. Please do not ask that of me.” Garak pleads. Julian frowns, worrying his lip between his teeth. Finally, he nods.

“Then, I only ask that you let me say goodbye. Will you allow me that?”

“Of course, my dear doctor.”

Julian squeezes his hand and makes to let go, but Garak holds on. Perhaps it’s selfish of him to cling to the doctor. But now that he’s felt the warmth of his hand and the breadth of his care, Garak can’t imagine letting him go now.

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yeah this is bad but idc. no beta, no thoughts, just pure procrastination from finals.

good night everyone ! sweet dreams to me (i will be playing solitaire until 3:30 AM)