#Fuck life fuck everything im so unhappy there's nothing to live for

[saucerfulofsins]

Didn't even get an interview at the place I applied to 😔

I also just. Don't wanna find a job. All local jobs suck and they're all about data and social media and god knows what and I'm just. So over life! Don't get me wrong, I was before this, but it doesn't help and I'm tired and done!!!

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

[chiistarri]

what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group

[erinthesails]

god. the botched first time together is such a good way to play it. like im personally in hell and praying for a swift death of course, but i feel like.

the entire point of the show is not getting things right the first time. it's about trying again and again and realizing that it's never too late to find yourself, learn more about yourself, grow and change and discover things that are important to you. we've been talking about this all week with the differences between the season 1 "you wear fine things well" scene and this one, where the first time everything is picture perfect but doesn't go how they want, while the second one is real, grounded, imperfect, but honest. their first kiss being, again, when they were in totally different places, and not able to really connect in the way they needed to, even if it was grounded on the romantic notion of running away together (and maybe even BECAUSE the whole premise of that first kiss was so romantic--that's a lot of pressure!)

i think we're going to get something similar with them sleeping together. like, this first time was passionate, intense, romantic, etc. but notice, we don't see a genuine smile from ed the whole time. he's swept up in the moment, he wants stede, i dont think it's an issue of consent, but he KNOWS that this isn't right. that they're STILL in different emotional places and probably shouldn't be doing this here, now.

there's so much emphasis placed on firsts, just generally, in life. your first kiss, your first love, your first time having sex...getting it not just right, but perfect, ideal, the first time is so fucking important in western culture and the very premise of this show refuses to give that impulse to perfection validity. this is a show about two middle aged men who have had loves, marriages, lives, careers, families, whole histories before they met each other. two men who have, to various degrees, settled with the "first" things that came along to them in life because not to do so was a sign of failure. and all it got them was unhappiness and decimated senses of self worth

i actually really like that their first time together is the same way. i think it's setting us up for a second time that blows the doors off the first, and a lifetime of even better as they listen and learn and understand each other better. nothing ever ever has to be perfect the first time, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it to try again and again til you get it right!!! and they each know that the other person is worth it! worth fighting for and trying again for! i think they both just need to learn that they themselves are worth it too

[roseworth]

Thoughts on Robin Lives?

sorry it took me a few days to get to this but i just read the last issue and. hm.

it honestly had me right until the end. i was on board. everyone hated last month's issue but i didnt have a problem it, and i was literally reading this newest issue like "okay... i see why people dont like it but i dont agree! im having fun!! i like it!!!!" then the last two pages happened and. what the fuck

i am a strong defender of elseworld characterizations being different than what i want in main universe. i saw a lot of people mad that jason had an obsession with joker in this story and i dont agree with that at all tbh! i liked it!!! i dont like it when red hood jason is obsessed with joker, but this is robin jason who watched joker murder his mother then beat him nearly to death like. two weeks ago. he is fresh off the ditf trauma in this story so i LOVED that he was trying to hunt down and kill the joker, then froze at the last minute last issue. i dont like it when red hood stories do that but THIS was good

and honestly i saw the screenshots of the panels of jason becoming joker out of context and i was STILL willing to hear the story out. like sure maybe if we really lean into the fact that hes so fucked up by the trauma of ditf straight into everything that happened in this story, i could be on board with him becoming joker jr. again, if the story is good i will accept so many things happening in elseworlds

but what the fuck was that!!! i was SO into the story and i was completely into the universe. the first moment that snapped me out was when bruce and the therapist got married?? for some reason???? that felt like such a random choice to me (and its very much a "there is a female character in this story so she has to fall in love with someone" situation) and i thought that was super weird and out of nowhere. but its a minor thing so i was willing to ignore it if the rest of it was good. but then the joker thing happened

many people are going to disagree with this but i think i would've liked the story overall if jason had become joker jr immediately after killing the joker. imo with this story the writer could've chosen two different paths, one where everything gets better so you can look at it and be like "awww jason could've been happy if he lived :(" OR one where everything is monumentally worse, and i would've been fine with either because once again, its an elseworld story so who cares. but i didnt like the fake out of "you think its gonna be better but its actually secretly WORSE 😈" because it ended up just coming out of nowhere. like jason becomes the joker AFTER going through therapy and getting a degree and a job and a life?? why????? i would've been soooo much more interested if he was fresh off the trauma of killing joker right after everything that happened. like i said i knew that jason became joker bc i saw the panels, so when he ran away i thought he ran away to joker out, and i was kind of really into that idea. i thought it would've been a kind of cool elseworld story if jason becomes the joker right after everything that happened. but thats not how it worked out

it just. came from nowhere. there was no buildup. it was clear the writer wanted to like. make the reader think it would be happy, then pull the rug out at the last minute. and because of that it just became weird. like i wasnt upset as much as i was confused because like ?? why???? why did that happen how did that happen What happened. thats not a story or an ending. thats just a thing happening. again, if the story had just led down the path to jason becoming the joker i would've liked it sooo much more because at the very least there would've been a plot. but that was nothing!!!! i am a strong supporter of "bad" endings, but only when the story leads the way to the unhappy ending. that felt like angst just for the sake of angst. like what was the reason!

sorry i feel like im repeating myself a lot im just trying to wrap my head around this. basically to me the book's biggest crime wasnt the decision to make jason become joker, it was the fact that it didn't bother to create the path to jason becoming joker. i am willing to hear a story out but i cant forgive bad storytelling

[agenderpunked]

just finished lost. will not be recovering, ever, me thinks...

I'M GONNA RAMBLE BECAUSE WHAT WAS THAAAAT OUUUUUGH I DIDN'T SEE ANY OTHER WAY FOR IT ALL TO END BUT THE FACT THAT IT *IS* WHAT THEY WENT WITH hURTS

I have so many thoughts and many of them are spoilers so if you haven't watched Lost (2004) stop reading this and go watch it instead.

- Jack dying in the same place he started. The cinematography and spiritual implications of making a trek back to the beginning and finally closing his eyes... DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON VINCENT LYING DOWN NEXT TO HIM I CRIIIIIIIIIIIED. THE DOG KNOWS "LIVE TOGETHER OR DIE ALONE" AND HE MAKES SURE JACK DOESN'T DIE ALONE IM IN SHAMBLESSSSS DONT TALK TO ME

- rose and bernard. i care you so bad. i want a bob ross energy survival show spin off that just follows them making their cabin and garden and traps and such and exploring the area around their cabin. Unproblematic favs, truly. THE FACT NO ONE BELIEVED ROSE WHEN SHE SAID SHE KNEW HER HUSBAND WAS ALIVE???? who visited you and told you that? are you just that faithful??? Did that hope, faith, and love protect both of you from dying on the island before you found each other??

BC ALSO. sorry but i view faith as energy, and when you focus and devote that energy to something it becomes concentrated, and what do our brains run on? electricity. what is everything about Lost about? electromagnetism. What can spirits fuck with? electromagnetic frequencies. That energy can be used to attract what you're searching for. Rose is such a necessary character ESPECIALLY for Jack's development because of how she displays such radical acceptance when she knows there are things she cannot change, ie. cancer, being trapped on the island, being surrounded by danger, and focuses instead on what she can, confirming her husband's status, creating an environment that feels safe, and enjoying the time she has left with the people she loves.

- Boone and Shannon getting into a bar fight at the end??? Boone walking up to Hurley and chatting??? Boone and Shannon are severely underrated characters in my opinion, and it's 100% from the emotionally incestuous aspects of them, which is a shame because I truly believe they are one of the most realistic depictions of relationships like that that I've seen in media. I didn't immediately like Boone. I thought he was an asshole because the show presents Shannon and Boone to you as they would an unhappy romantic relationship, but they never confirm it, even joke about it, to the point I nearly immediately realized 'They're not dating at all. They're siblings that were emotionally neglected by their parents and are codependent as all hell.'

Watching further, I was so scared to think I'd find Boone slander all up and down in the fandom while Shannon gets victimized and absolved of her fucked up actions, because of the way we immediately see Boone treat her without the context for understanding their relationship and that Boone was only on 815 to bail her out of another abusive relationship. But what I actually got from the fandom was NOTHING. ABOUT EITHER OF THEM!!!!

HOW ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT BOONE HALLUCINATING SHANNONS DEATH AND ADMITTING THAT HE WAS UTTERLY RELIEVED 😭😭😭 IM GONNA BLOW MYSELF UP ABOUT IT GOOD GOD.

The fact that Shannon also does find a potentially healthy relationship with Sayid, and that Sayid can allow himself to feel and care for someone and have gentle and tender moments in such a hostile environment while serving as the groups main mercenary, and make her feel safe, regardless of her clearly morally skewed history of dating. Sayid has morals, and he wants to stick to them, but he's been put in environments that do not allow him to adhere to that. He has restraint, and emotional intelligence. The glimpse we get into Shannon's life shows she hasn't been around men of those qualities, at least recently, save for Boone, who even then, doesn't compare next to Sayid. Imagining how Shannon would have felt about Sayid being brought back in the temple and seeing how extremely empty and different he is 😟

- Thinking about the general implications of what the island is, as well... Did they ever survive the initial crash? When they leave the island, were they alive? or was it merely an illusion of life? Is death on the island equivalent to someone accepting that they're dead and moving on for realsies? Is the island symbolizing purgatory? The themes of duality and shadows and light and twins are also not lost on me and rank this media even higher because these were not on my bingo card or prior knowledge of the show and they are damn near a critical criteria for intriguing me and getting me into a media.

Are the souls whispering in the forest of the island trapped there? Michael says they can't move on, but is it a personal choice grappling with what they did? Or is it related to actions done after death, while passing through purgatory, that decides whether you are bound to a place or able to move freely???

Oooooooough.....

[klapollo]

tony soprano is such a well written character im so obsessed with him. he lives in such a state of deep denial and then blames everyone else for how fucking miserable he is. he's always craving connections he cant have, settling for an empty half-life that he tells himself is the best where his whole being is controlled by a beast he was born into the hands of. he doesnt understand why he's so unhappy but also he does know and just wont admit it, he cant. admitting he knows will crumble everything he's ever known. so he buries himself in his lie, and as he is buried it eats him whole and when the series is over the beast will finally swallow him. he has all the bones of a man who could be good but he just cant. he never stood a chance. he is both a victim of circumstance and yet entirely to blame for nearly everything wrong with his life for not being wise enough to ever deviate from that road laid out for him -- he never had to take it. and at the end he will go the same way don corleone did, a corpse laying face down with a still heart like every other body in the morgue who gained nothing meaningful from his life of no good.

[krispdreemurr]

theories that I've posted scattered around this blog but haven't really put into a master post or anything, collated bc I'm bored and want ppl to talk to me abt them or something. im very prepared for none of this to be canon but there's elements I expect to at least be themes or something

-deltarune is a reset timeline. we were not directly present in the original, but maybe were indirectly present.

-basically I think the angel/the player is at least seen as like... imposing narrative and drama and Plot onto a world. demanding to see and know and have their heartstrings tugged and everything else a reader wants from a story. just as the dark worlds exist to provide compact stories for the lightners, so the light world exists for the angels to watch, etc

-in the original timeline, Dess died.

-gaster and kris met in the aftermath of this, in the bunker. at the time, gaster was a normal-ish darkner who had gotten a glimpse of the light and heaven beyond. he argued to Kris that Dess died to sate the angel's needs, to make a fitting story for Noelle and so on, and convinced them to help him in bringing the roaring and taking down the angel

-so yeah they were the knight. they at least knew some of the secret bosses and worked in uneasy concert w them before they all got too fucked up. meanwhile they met Susie, rekindled friendship w Noelle, etc etc etc

-over time they started thinking more that like. hey everyone pursuing ending heaven is like wildly unhappy and meanwhile I'm making friends and moving on and if like there's some intangible entity demanding a story from me like... how do i even... tell that's happening...

-(it wasn't that they were 100% comfortable ever to be clear it's just more the balance of "live a life with my friends and loved ones" vs "end the world and probably hurt or even kill a lot of people" shifted)

-so when it came time to open the last fountain, within the dark world, they hesitated.

-gaster took their blade from them and tried to open it himself - but he was a darkner, and the world was so fragile, and the wound he cut lead to nothing, nothing after nothing pouring out, and he fell into his own creation

-kris was badly wounded in the chaos and made it back to their light world room before collapsing, leaving a stain that wouldn't fade and the echoes of Susie's pleas.

-the world ceased to exist.

-gaster, in the nothing, was able to poorly patch together the world, but not quite as it was. he was not present in it, and those he spoke to talked to shadows, to garbage noise on the phone, to empty rooms.

-he was not able to entirely spare Dess, her fate already written, but he was able to... hide her. she vanished, instead of dying. she is still being hidden while he waits until after the story has concluded

-he spent some time testing methods of influence, ways to guide and design and use a human soul (leading to strange hazy nights for Kris)...

-and with lures and bait and promises of a world to make their own, he connected the angel itself to the world, trapping a piece of them there. this was both to use to re-steer the narrative according to His designs and also kind of out of spite.

-his original plan was to leave Kris out of it, making them a minor character temporarily while the vessel took their role. Someone Strongly Disapproved lmao and so we ended up w the current situation

-this time, if gaster has his way, they won't have the choice to hesitate, and the angel's heaven will be banished.

[theophagie]

i feel so bad about putting someone elses opinion on blast like a gossip but hooooly fuckign shit. ohhhhh my god.

(paraphrased because i. don't know how to submit images.)

"Im so glad that all of the LOV characters die unfulfilled or live miserable lives. they absolutely deserved this fate.[...]happy endings are earned. it's not a prize one gets simply because they suffered."

it's just fucked up actually. there is nothing more cold and lonely, nothing that makes you more vulnerable, than death. everyone should have a happy ending, even the worst person.

anyways. unhappy manga time. if toga actually dies it's all so fucking joever

"Good things must only be earned" protestant mindset spotted 🫵 but no I fully support hiding someone's name and blasting their shitty takes because what the hell 😭😭 like. Among other things, a character's ending is indicative of the kind of message an author wants to convey, and the issue with bnha is that what it's heading for now 1) is disconnected from the rest of the manga 2) hasn't had any time to breathe and develop into something that maybe could have felt more cohesive/less out of nowhere otherwise

I don't think about character deaths in terms of deserving or not (argh the damn Real Life Opinions bleeding into The Fiction), but even if I did... being happy for what happened to the LOV characters just tells me that this person really didn't understand anything, sure the manga is ending on a bittersweet-to-unhappy note but clearly readers are meant to use a couple of braincells to understand where their suffering came from and be upset that the change that both the villains and the heroes wanted didn't happen (not in the "let's destroy everything" way, not in the "the people will know better way").........

[lordrandreaming]

Unwanted Arcana opinion that might put me in hot water below:

I think the writing is incredibly lackluster, for personalities, interactions, and so on.

I noticed, as I neared the end of Julian's route, the writing lost it's fire. It seemed.. Confused. Like whoever wrote it had no idea where this was all going. You can tell, there was a change in writing.

Lucio, Muriel, and Portia are especially victims of this sudden change, because it just felt like they were given 'filler' personalities and stories. No one is hit harder than Portia. Followed by Muriel.. Followed by Lucio.

Now I like Lucio. But.. He wasn't done justice. You can say, that living the pampered life turned this count whos been in various bloody fights, raised out in the cold harsh winter environment, would make him this squishy, soggy idiot we know.

But.. His characterisation really could have been better. I see him more as 'Sorry not sorry I did that lol' not 'I need everyone to forgive me or im crying' (its not actually like that, but it's pretty close.) And then fucking off for adventure.

In my opinion, which yes, is just an opinion, Lucio should have stayed in Vesuvia and make up for what he's done by lending a helping hand. Yes everyone hates him, as he was written to be the *worst* character..

I think it's unfair what happened to all the routes by the end. Im assuming, If Julain's near-ending was so cobbled together, that Nadia and Asra's routes suffer the same fate.

As a writer, I care about the character's I am writing. I can see clearly that in the end, none of the M6 were cared about. They were made to be appealing and draw people in, because it was "the Thing" at the time.

It makes me incredibly sad, that now I see how cobbled together everything is. Some amount of thought went into the story, but it could have been so much better..

There isn't alot to do, for one. And I know.. 'Its just a game!' However, as a consumer of said media, it's extremely lacking and doesn't stimulate me like I'd hoped. It's like a false promise- but there was no promise to begin with.

When I first seen the Arcana, I was not at all interested. And for good reason.. As advertised was not what we got. I got into it about, two years ago now.

Yes, I was late, but.. The fandom was near death when I came into the scene. Yes yes, I know, people of course are still heavily into it, and I still love it myself but.. It makes me sad.

The character's clearly weren't cared about. They were put out there for visual appearance to lure in lonely gay people. Lesbians, Bi, everyone. They included everyone so they can pull in more people.

Nothing wrong with that- alot of games and industries tend to do this. But they never stick with what they said..

You can say: Mori, why are you bitching about this? It doesn't matter anymore!

Or

If your so unhappy, why don't you just stop caring?

Because.. It started out as a passion, you can see, and quickly as people left, new people kept coming in and that passion was quickly lost.

It saddens me, as an artist and writer. The love was lost.. And the Arcana became hollow anymore. As I played through it a second time, it just felt empty. It was so thrown together- the ingredients just didn't mix.

Id re-write the whole damn game if I could. And like hell I'm going on Dorian.

I appriciate that the people who still love the fandom, want to make and create and that Dorian allows that to happen, but I don't vibe with the fact that anything you post on there is now Dorian's to claim and use.

You can be mad at me, say that I'm wrong because Im dumb and didn't play all the routes, or tell me that I'm just seeing 'face value'. But I'm not changing my opinion because people are mad at me.

This isn't a post meant to rile up or insult anyone. Im not starting a debate. This is just my heartfelt opinion, and that opinion is the state the Arcana was left in was shit. It could have been more interactive, we could have had so much more, but ultimately, we are left with a hollow possibility of what could have been, but never was.

[kateisgonnabeperfect]

im nothing withour starving

im nothing without ana

i am not a person if i dont starve

i need her

i need to husr stop eating

i need to just omad for the rest of my life because i cant live like this i cant

ill omad and workout everyday for the rest of my life

ill do anything and everything to stop this shit and get out of this cycle i fuckint hate it

i refuse to be fuckint fat and gross anymore or ever fucking again because i am so unhappy and i dont have a life because of food i fucking hate it i fucking hate eatinf i hate being fat i refuse to live like this anymore or ever again

[love-now-cry-later]

the importance of change

"nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same"

september 3, 2023

I'm at a point in life where everything is changing and for the first time… I'm ok with it. I just turned 18 (woo!) and for the first year since i was 12 i didn't have a breakdown on my birthday. i graduated just before that and now i'm off. in 1 month i'll be in maine for a concert with my best friend, then i'll be in GA with my mom and then i'll be back in jersey until christmas where i’ll then go to nebraska for a bit and then costa rica from january to july, and when we come back my friend Abbi will be graduating and we all will have had enough saved up to rent a house together. And My dad asked me this morning if I was scared and I've just sat here thinking. What do I feel?

i'm about to spend the next year of my life traveling and seeing the world. having opportunities, that i'm eternally grateful for, that many people don't have and my family never had. I have a chance of moving out and getting my own home and for my family, generations in one home, that's really big. I'm young and free and I'm grateful to have friends who give me opportunities that I would never have otherwise.

But It's terrifying. I'm gonna be far from home for a long time and when i'm finally back it won't be for long, but you know what's scarier? everything staying the same.

my life has gotten easier these last few months. my senior year, I graduated because I have connections with teachers and principals and people like me. my 'charisma' as Camdyn puts it. I have opportunities like Costa Rica because friends and their families like me. My life has gotten easier and I don't take that for granted. In some ways I believe the easy, go-with-the-flow, handouts and kindness that I've been receiving is an apology from the universe. An apology for having to be strong and grow up at a very young age. An apology for all that i had to deal with very young, and a reward for not letting it turn me into a person i would be ashamed of. Coming out of it a better person.

I believe that I was meant to break generational cycles. The cycles of poverty- the cycles of teen pregnancy- the cycles of throwing your life away. The cycles of dead end office jobs, janitorial positions- of deciding between a meal for you or your kids tonight. The grab the wic approved!- dirty looks in the grocery line because of the ebt card. I believe it’s gotten easier because I deserve an easier life than my mother and my father. Not that they dont deserve it either, But i can tell they’re happy that i have better, i think thats what they've always wanted for me. Even though they didn’t necessarily provide it, they're happy for me. I can tell.

My point- or the point of this ramble at least is that change is scary but you know what- that's good. Fear is good sometimes! It’s like when you first start highschool and you're scared, there's a new building and its so big and there's so many people you’ve never met and people you never will, but after a couple weeks freshman year is easy- then it’s winter break and spring break, and then- you're a sophomore. I was terrified to graduate, but I'm so grateful and happy I did. Because you know what's more scary and embarrassing than standing in front of hundreds of people that dont like you, and an ex and their new gf in a stupid cap and gown, and possibly falling on your face walking off the stage? Not doing it. Letting yourself give up and fail out of fear. The great thing about life is that you can change at any point. Anything you're unhappy with you can change, And isn't that beautiful?

The thing is that, I've really looked at my life and gotten more perspective and I need more change. “The way im living is a temper tantrum” and not in the way it was before, where i was drinking myself into oblivion for some nihilistic ‘fuck you’ to the man or god or whatver. But in the way that i’ve kept myself in a box so to be what others want me to be. I’m done with the edgy-tryhard - anti feminine hard ass-intimidating bullshit image i’ve tried to spin my whole life. I'm surrendering. Surrendering to the divine feminine, to the easy, happy, beautiful universe. I'm ready to begin the easiest, happiest era of my life. An era of receiving.

Anyway, I hope to all that read this that you will experience freedom, and happiness as we’re all entitled to. Asé

[lifeinthegladhouse]

listening to this cover of johnny and mary that's so amazing.

i looked out the window and realized id been so enthralled in being on my phone and writing,

that i was surprised to see clouds gathering for rain,

because it's been so warm lately.

i thought about a face my dad used to make, and this feeling of his presence that i sometimes dream about in a distorted and grotesque way

sometimes this happens in a fleeting moment, i cant hold onto it, it slips between my fingers, and when it happens,

i cry, and i try to catch the feeling, to sit in it, but i can't

and in that moment, i related to him again and wished i could tell him sorry

maybe something about the synth in the song, the small window im looking at

i thought of a steakhouse we went to as a kid. i didnt understand why we were there. if we were poor, how could he afford it? he was always so unhappy after work. he would say something, his eyes were so exhausted, he was so defeated, but like a steer pressing on to survive, he continued to do so. that's how i knew him, my entire life, until the day he died.

sometimes i feel a heavy tired pressing-on that makes me feel similar to him. and mom. it's a texas thing. especially when the clouds gather over the plains.

i think about the slow silence of white walls and isolation and negligence and being left alone, the sorrow of my childhood that is a snowglobe of pain and mystery, and a safe haven that no one can take away from me, in a fucked up way.

i live in perpetual fear of the future

and trapped in the snowglobe of pain of the past

i see a break of blue in the clouds and think of the windows 98 i grew up learning how to use faster than my parents, at a very early age. i was younger than 6, because we still lived in dallas.

i think about being autistic, and my parents.

texas, the 90s, the pre-social media-readily-accesible-information world

the slow way people were allowed to not know everything

and the way that life will never be the same

how i think about killing myself every day but i dont want to and hopefully never will

and then i think of my parents dying hollow

at least my fathers skeletal self looked more human than hers did.

i wish i could scream.

im so alone

i dont know if anyone will ever understand me

and this is why i want to die

sometimes

thinking it will preserve me into a framed art piece behind glass

forever

but it wont, it will be nothing.

and that isn't what i want.

i dont want to die.

[widevibratobitch]

i hate spring i hate summer i hate my stupid baka life

and i miss going out and feeling confident and being able to go buy new clothes with my friends and feeling good in them i miss looking in the mirror and thinking that it's not great but it's not tragic either anymore and i miss having the confidence to wear that one pink dress that i love so much but only dared to wear once in my life i used to be so happy and proud of myself for the first time in my fucking life and now it's all gone and it didnt fix me at all it only made me worse because im still deeply fucking unhappy but now i also look Fucking Bad i wanna go back so bad its making me lose my goddamn mind lol im just lying on my bed and crying like a little bitch i need to be locked away frfr never thought id say this in my life but i miss the psych ward and i desperately want to go back there too even if i get a cot in the fucking hallway again lol

anyway cant believe there are people who get to feel the happiness and idk carelessness?. that i felt a fraction of during those few months. on a daily basis for their whole life and they never had to and never will have to really try or make an effort or even *think* about it. like they just exist in their bodies and that's it. some of them even genuinely like their bodies and the constant dread and self consciousness and fear and hate and fucking genuine contempt are entirely absent from their lives. that is fucking insane and just so deeply unfair and im so fucking tired of pretending to be cool about it and brushing it all off as if its nothing because its fucking everything. and im so tired of my skinny friends unthinkingly offering to lend me clothes even with the best intentions and in warranted circumstances like babygirl when i tell you i cannot fit in this it is because i KNOW i cannot it is because ive lived through such situations before and they always end the same way and if you keep insisting that i try and that it's 'stretchy' im gonna kill myself right in front of you do you really fucking desire to humiliate me so bad is this your goal queen because it sure is working <3

[aroace-poly-show]

bit of a vent don’t mind me im just. tired.

lol but my relationship with my mom is funny bc on one hand yeah i love her and she loves me and nothings really all that bad but on the other hand,,kind sucks that i’m never really gonna fit her idea of her “ideal heterosexual cisgender jesus-loving daughter who gets married to a nice christian man and gives her grandkids” and she’s never gonna give up on “leading me on the right path” (pressuring me and never respecting the decisions i’ve made for myself so i don’t want to. yknow fucking die) so i can get to heaven and be truly happy and blah blah blah all that.

like. i’m never going to be living my best life in her eyes. i don’t think i’ll ever be her child that she can proudly say “yes, my child lives a wonderful and happy life. i am proud of them.” i’m always going to need to “be saved from my life of sin” in her eyes. i’m like. never going to be happy in the way she wants me to be. there’s always gonna be something wrong with me. i’m always gonna be her good kid that’s just lost and confused and needs some guidance and correcting from the lord. guidance and correction as in i need to be shown that actually i’m not trans or aroace or agender or non binary or gay or part of the lgbtabcd community or whatever the fuck my identity becomes, that i’ve just been led into a life of sin and unhappiness and need to be saved.

like. yknow i’d appreciate. some acceptance. a little support would be nice…

and also not having an unbelievably overwhelming fear/anxiety of god and dying and armageddon and not having religious trauma would be pretty sweet too but i guess we can’t have everything in life :/

[waltswhatever]

as much as i hated him, sometimes i really miss my dad on nights like these

for such a long time it felt like he was the only person i could cry in front of and not feel horrible for doing so

my mother doesn't know how to handle me when i'm upset, she kind of just tries to change the subject in an attempt to cheer me up, and i feel so shameful being vulnerable to my boyfriend, i feel like i can't cry in front of him, that i just. shouldn't, that im not allowed to be upset because of how i've hurt him before even if that's not true

i miss you, dad, i'm sorry i spent your final months so angry with you, even if you deserved it

i just want a hug from someone stronger than me again who will lie and tell me it's gonna be okay and that i am pretty and that i'm loved and that i can stay there as long as i need to and that they don't care if im getting their shirt wet

i wish i knew how to have that with mom, i wish i knew how to help her, her coworker feels like her son more than i do, do i get my emotional estrangement from her? why is it so much easier to bond with strangers?

i miss you dad, i miss you, so much

wherever you are i hope you're learning from everything you may and may not have done, and i'm sorry to say i've made some of the same mistakes, but god, i kind of understand now how someone gets to that point - i never told mom, but she found out on her own

how you work on something for years and years and years and you're just not as happy as you make them and you feel like giving up

how your body stops working right all too soon and nothing feels good and your partner tries, but it just isn't enough, and you are so fucking unhappy all the time and it feels like it's all your fault

take me with you, i'm so tired, i wanna go back to my family dammit, i know mom loves me but it's different, we're like ghosts sharing an apartment

i miss my dad so much. i shouldn't but i do, i'm 20 fucking years old, it's been almost 8 years since you died, why does the pain only get worse? anticipatory grief?

where will i go? will i see you, and will we both be suffering if that's where you ended up? would it be worth it to finally see some kind of comfort again after so long, still suffering, but finally with a sense of familiarity and instinctive comfort, or will it just be like looking at a bloated corpse in a wooden box and a funeral that i barely remember all over again?

i'm so tired dad, i'm so tired, please tell me it's going to be okay, somehow, i'm so tired

you said before if someone wants to kill themself, you let them - were you speaking from your experience? would you have said the same if you knew i was suicidal? i don't know if mom ever really talked to you about the cutting, im sorry

you'd be ashamed of me now, i think, i'm nothing like what you expected - not your baby girl, not even a girl, not skinny, not pretty, or traditional at all

please, god, if you somehow saw aunt liz, tell her i miss her and that she always did a great job when i was a kid, that she was so kind to take us in after the fire on such short notice, that she was always so sweet and patient with me, even when i was a brat- i wish covid hadn't robbed me of my goodbye to her

the more i look back on the past the more i realized how much i dealt with so young and why im this damaged - a kid didn't need to go through all of that

i know you guys didn't intend for that, but god, that house was a nightmare

a flea bitten 11 year old kid just running around willy nilly in filth, trying their best to live a normal life, but never really being able to share too much about what's going on at home, being taught that i can't have people over because of the state of the house

it was awful and yet i miss it

a dirty mattress was somehow so comfortable, i wasn't in nearly as much pain as i am these days, i still cried, but eventually i got to fall asleep, at least

i still eat beefaroni straight from the can when i don't want to cook, or just plain cheese - how was scavenging in the filth better than this?

i have so much now and the more i think about it the more it feels like i've just lost everything over time

please, take me with you, i'm so tired, or at least somehow, please, tell me, let me see you again, tell me that it's going to be okay, tell me what to do, you and mom were never the life lesson type but i could really use that right now dad

you were supposed to always be there for me, i know you might not've actually wanted to make me, but everyone said you were a loving father- i still believed it in some ways, even if you weren't always nice to me for my mistakes

i just am so exhausted, you were 63 - how did you manage 3x this amount of life without giving up sooner? did you give up, was it just a really slow death?

i'd rather make it fast than do that, i'm old enough to purchase the means to my end

it'd be so easy to just put one through my head - i bet i could still figure out the safety mechanism without reading the instructions, from what you taught me

i never thought i'd miss the fact that one of my parents tried that hard to bond with me and be somewhat present in my interests

even if it was sick

i'm so pathetic, i'm 20 fucking years old crying about a man nearly a decade dead, it feels like grief never ends

please just give me a sign dad, please