#i have therapy in 45 minutes and i have to mask because im in my inlaws house

[lifeinthegladhouse]

listening to this cover of johnny and mary that's so amazing.

i looked out the window and realized id been so enthralled in being on my phone and writing,

that i was surprised to see clouds gathering for rain,

because it's been so warm lately.

i thought about a face my dad used to make, and this feeling of his presence that i sometimes dream about in a distorted and grotesque way

sometimes this happens in a fleeting moment, i cant hold onto it, it slips between my fingers, and when it happens,

i cry, and i try to catch the feeling, to sit in it, but i can't

and in that moment, i related to him again and wished i could tell him sorry

maybe something about the synth in the song, the small window im looking at

i thought of a steakhouse we went to as a kid. i didnt understand why we were there. if we were poor, how could he afford it? he was always so unhappy after work. he would say something, his eyes were so exhausted, he was so defeated, but like a steer pressing on to survive, he continued to do so. that's how i knew him, my entire life, until the day he died.

sometimes i feel a heavy tired pressing-on that makes me feel similar to him. and mom. it's a texas thing. especially when the clouds gather over the plains.

i think about the slow silence of white walls and isolation and negligence and being left alone, the sorrow of my childhood that is a snowglobe of pain and mystery, and a safe haven that no one can take away from me, in a fucked up way.

i live in perpetual fear of the future

and trapped in the snowglobe of pain of the past

i see a break of blue in the clouds and think of the windows 98 i grew up learning how to use faster than my parents, at a very early age. i was younger than 6, because we still lived in dallas.

i think about being autistic, and my parents.

texas, the 90s, the pre-social media-readily-accesible-information world

the slow way people were allowed to not know everything

and the way that life will never be the same

how i think about killing myself every day but i dont want to and hopefully never will

and then i think of my parents dying hollow

at least my fathers skeletal self looked more human than hers did.

i wish i could scream.

im so alone

i dont know if anyone will ever understand me

and this is why i want to die

sometimes

thinking it will preserve me into a framed art piece behind glass

forever

but it wont, it will be nothing.

and that isn't what i want.

i dont want to die.

[multismileee]

911 4X13 COMMENTARY (LITERALLY WHILE IM WATCHING IT) - this is going to be pretty long

The first call about the Bridezilla was so funny, the way that Buck just give out random information about makeup while everyone else is just staring at him like of course he knew that, the way Chim was ready to walk forward when they were doing the SPARTCUS moment, Hen holding him back, and Eddie’s “Good luck with the wedding” with a small thumbs up LMAOO 

Omg no, I hope that Hen’s mom is okay.

I’m glad they brought back Vanessa Marano, I love her.

David, Michael, May, and Harry playing charades... don’t touch me, they are so cute.

Uh oh, Bobby acting weird. I think he relapsed and started drinking again which would explain the need for the shower. 

Hahaha Hen’s mom not being a fan of any of the exotic food is so funny

OH NO, SHE COLLAPSED!!! Please, she better be okay.

I know this is not important but the way Hen matched her mask to her outfit... Icon 😍

SOMEONE HOLD ME BACK, THIS DOCTOR ABOUT TO GET THIS HANDS RATED E FOR EVERYONE.

The blatant racism is disgusting, I’m so glad that 911 is talking about this and how the doctor is clearly dismissive because she is a black woman and omg the comment on her weight ugh disgusting.

Eddieana gross, sorry I will never like them together.

Christopher is so adorable (also he looks so much older omg) and Eddie wanting the sofa to be perfect for the mystery guest, awww.

CARLAAAAAA YES I MISSED HER!!

Aww no Carla’s dad :(

“it’s easy being with her” yes because that’s what it should be like when you’re dating someone (I am totally being sarcastic if you cannot tell)

Carla is such a queen, “Make sure you’re following your heart, and not Christopher” AHHHHH, please manifesting an Eddieana breakup scene.

Aww the two cakes for the two birthdays they missed with Carla, I’m so soft!!

Omg the way he glances at Ana and Christopher like he’s thinking about Carla’s words :0

Oh no, Maddie is definitely not okay. She seems tired and just very withdrawn :(

That call was intense, I feel like there’s more to Charlie and the women that meets the eye.

I knew it, his shirt smelled like bourbon. Unless this is a whole misunderstanding, but it seems unlikely.

I knew something was off with Bobby during the pileup in episode 11 and that it was going to come up again.

Charlie and Christopher talking is so cute aw.

Suspicious, I have a bad feeling about his “mom”.

YES I LOVE HEN AND CHIM MOMENTS, their friendship is so cute.

Omg small backstory moment about Chim and his mom?? we love to see it.

Hen and her med school buddies trying to figure out what’s wrong with Hen’s mom is a scene I didn’t know I needed but I’m so glad we got it.

Omg not her collapsing again, and it being really bad. Let’s hope she didn’t rupture it because I cannot deal with Hen’s mom dying.

Jee-Yun is adorable, but I hate hearing her cry

Omg nooo Maddie probably thinks she’s a bad mom because she feels like she can’t help Jee-Yun stop crying and she already had doubts that she was going to be a bad mom because of her parents :( Buckley parents, if you see this, I despise you,

Hen going off on the doctor, period as she should.

“we” THE AUDACITY. How dare he try to take any credit for something he missed because he didn’t want to listen to the patient and that a group of med students caught in 5 minutes.

Chris wanting to give things away to help Charlie aww stop they are so cute.

Look I was never the biggest fan of Ana, she’s nice but seemed kind of bland as a character but she’s really pulling through this episode.

Yesss Ana, thank you for realizing something is up with this woman.

Poor Athena, she’s trying to be supportive but Bobby is being distant anyways :(

YAY HER MOM IS OKAY, LET’S GOOOO!

“I won’t be here forever” If this is foreshadowing Hen’s mom’s death, I am going to cry.

Omg no, She’s poisoning him with EYE DROPS!!! What in the world is wrong with her. I knew there was a reason they focused on the cabinet but I couldn’t figure it out.

I’m sorry but Charlie calling because his “mom” is choking due to the eyedrops is instant karma.

Uh oh, Athena following Bobby.. this never ends well. Um who is she????

Thank goodness they found out that Charlie was being poisoned.

Omg nooo Maddie, you’re an amazing mom. She needs to go to therapy :(((

THE DRUNK DRIVER?? Oh that makes so much sense, Bobby can feel for her.

Communication problems between Athena and Bobby, omg I hate it.

“Who said this marriage is working” I knew it was coming and it still hurt.

MY HEART DROPPED WHEN EDDIE GOT SHOT. I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT OH MY GOD.

Ngl I kinda thought that the “mom” was the shooter but I was wrong.

Can I just say that the way Buck froze is such a clear contrast to the last time (in Eddie Begins) when Eddie was buried, that time he was screaming and clawing the ground hoping to do something. In this episode, he froze and it was like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

If Buddie not canon then why have the 45 second shot of Buck and Eddie staring at each other, why have the camera focus on Buck’s reaction, why have Eddie reach out to Buck before he passes out?? Maybe i’m just a clown but it’s all adding up for Buddie canon.

Overall, I am an entire mess after this episode. I haven’t even watched the promo yet but I am terrified for the finale. Everyone is such a mess omg.  Also, I am currently in English class, watching and commenting on the episode instead of paying attention lmao.