#For real I am extremely down for messages about this kind of thing!

[belethlegwen]

You are so wonderful and I hope things smooth out for you sooner rather than later. Obviously you should prioritize yourself first (god knows we all have sooo much good fic of yours to reread), but it leads me to a question I’ve been too shy to ask 👉👈 how do you feel about recursive fic about your fics/characters? Would you be ok with us sharing it with you/others, crediting you for the creation of such good characters of course? I have serious Stranding/Rescue brainworms and it’s making me want to write drabble & fluff for the first time in a long time 💕 of course it’s fine if you’d be more comfortable with me not posting it — either way, thank you soooo much for sharing this lovely world & worldbuilding & all the characters within. I will be rotating them in my head for years no matter what 🙇

Hello and good morning! Or afternoon, I'm not sure. I'm drafting this answer over a late breakfast because I got a precious day of sleeping-in and I'm still thinking deeply about it.

Firstly: I want to hug you so tight (if you were down) because this is wildly sweet and flattering, thank you so so much for reaching out at all even just about the works, but the wishes that things smooth out are highly appreciated ;-; We're looking… solid? Right now? But there's still so much up in the air and hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I won't bore you with it, it's not the reason I'm drafting this out.

ABOUT RECURSIVE WORKS [very long, read under the cut, tl:dr summary at the end]:

I would love it. I would genuinely, honestly love it, with the caveats that you laid out that proper credit would be given (thank you so much you lovely beautiful soul), that it be clarified wherever it is shared that it's based on characters/settings/storylines of the current works, but truly importantly that it would clarify that the works are actively still being written at this time.

That's my biggest hesitation, if I'm being honest. The stories are both at this time unfinished (they are all unfinished, I am a creature with heavy need to process things through writing and, quelle surprise, I am never truly finished processing anything, new shit just needs to get processed, wheeeee) and being that they're unfinished, there's a chance that any recursive work could hit on a scene/plotpoint/moment that I've already got plotted out for the future. I'm not Neil Gaiman or anything, I'm not planning to make money off of this work, so it's not my concern that you or anyone else is gonna turn around and try to sue me for stealing something or whatever-- that's not the problem. I just don't want you or anyone to feel at that point that the effort you put into something was then copied and put in the main work or something.

It's an odd situation. The odds of it actually BEING a problem I know are astronomically low, but I didn't get to where I am today without chronically overthinking everything.

I love that you have a desire to create, and I do not know who you are-- I don't know if you already have projects and characters of your own and just want to branch out with something familiar-but-new, but I want to encourage you to use this energy and focus for writing all the same. If you can put it into your own works, hell yeah, but also: yes I would be flattered if you used my dorks and their silly little worlds. It's just the concern where I'm not finished with the stories yet. I just am, again, overthinking and overworrying, likely, but if I could stop doing those things then life would presumably be easier.

I would be absolutely down for like, experimental works I believe is the best term for what I'm looking for. Characters and stories based off of my works that are wholly new. Want to write a refracted AU about Melinda and Hank in Space? Fuck yeah, yes. Though I mentioned this to Zip and they immediately told me No, We're Doing That One and we laughed about it for a hot minute, so maybe not exactly those names hahaha

I guess another question here is, if you were to put in the effort and the focus and the pride of writing something based on my characters, of a scene you had in your head, and got through the beauty and pain of creation to get it down and then put it out there, how would you feel if something similar then happened in the main work? Not the same, not based on what you did, but that similarity still there and still noticeable at least to you. Like if someone had written (before I had posted them) something similar to Melanie being involved in a Naval battle, even though I have the receipts that that arc was written in November of 2022 and only finished posting in September 2023, I don't know how they would feel to still see that like, a similar idea had been there.

On one hand, personally, I love being in the G/t community and reading other people's works when I have the spoons and focus and time to do it, because I love that something as simple as "small person falls and big person catches them" permeates the ideas so often, and what that can mean to dozens of different creators. Refracting the same light through a diamond and watching the facets all scatter it differently, etc etc. It's beautiful. It makes me happy. But that's a personal thought, and I know how deep and personal writing can be. I know how much the process of creation can mean to the individual. I don't want you to go through that, to write something beautiful even if just for yourself, and then think in some possibility later that because I did something similar I was trying to do it 'better' or whatever. It's not the case, it's never the case.

So, after chatting about this with people I love in this community (I love you Zip and Kelly <3), I think the solution is: If you want to chat with me about the like, basic bare-bones of the ideas you might have just to give me a heads up, and I can let you know if it's something that'll be in the main works soon and if I'd rather you wait on something, or if I'd go 'oh fuck yeah, go ham', I would adore to chatter away with you about it all regardless. I'd love to chatter with you about writing in general! My characters, your characters, whatever. I'm down. Please feel free to hit me up and I'll get back to you whenever I can <3

Let me know what you think! Thank you so much for the sweet message and the ask!

Cheers,

~ Belle

[TL;DR]

When it comes to recursive works I'm interested and open to them provided they're not something major/heavy I'm planning to tackle too soon in the future canon, as the works are still being written and posted. I am always down to receive DMs about writing, and would prefer to get messages about the recursive fic ideas (as vague as you'd like them to be!) just so I can give a quick yes/no on if it's something I'd rather you wait on until I can get it out myself, or whathaveyou. I don't see this being a huge problem, and if you're good for chatting then I'm positive we'll have a good time with this <3

Writing recursive fics for my existing, in-progress works means agreeing to the caveats that credit be given to me and the existing works, and clarifying when posting that the fic is not canon and the works they're referencing/possibly based on are still in progress/being written. It also means accepting that there is a chance that things tackled in your fics may be similar to things that have not yet been posted for said works.

When it comes to experimental fiction based on my characters, settings, or plot: hell yeah go full 50 Shades if you want to. File the serial numbers off of it and/or write something New Enough. It's what I did to Jonathan Swift, please feel free to do it to me hahaha.

Shortest answer: Yes, just send me a quick message first <3

[thisdreamplace]

for those who struggle

i recently got sent an anon message about frustrations surrounding the law, and how non-dualism hasn't made it any easier for them, but actually just more frustrating to the point where they're officially walking away from everything and wanting to just go back to live as they knew it before any of this.

the truth is that, oversimplification runs rampant in this community. as well as, hiding behind the realities of how difficult it all can be, because people are afraid of affirming that it's difficult or identifying with difficulty... but when we hide from this experience and try to come off as if it doesn't affect us, while simultaneously trying to give out advice, there tends to be more damage than good happening. the oversimplifying isn't the fault of anyone, as the truth is most of this is simple. but in actually living it, it tends to not be simple at all. the ego will fight till the very end to keep things the way they are, even when they hurt us. and that is worth being honest about.

when it comes to non-identification and indifference, this is not meant to be used to as yet another way to pretend something isn't happening or push down your feelings or gaslight yourself. i see these posts like, "just ignore the 3d and don't identify with it and you would have already have what you wanted" ..... this doesn't actually really help anyone, unless you're a person who strives on that kind of mentality. but i think a lot of people need a little more gentleness and realness, otherwise this journey wouldn't have been so difficult and painful. we'd all just get it overnight, but clearly, this community stays extremely active for a reason. because the million ways its already been explained still leaves so many confused and frustrated.

indifference is a daily practice, and it is NOT one that includes pretending something doesn't exist in exchange for getting what you want. it is actually, the extreme opposite. it's by acknowledging what's there... and allowing that to be what it is. the non-identification comes in from how you choose to see YOURSELF in relation to whatever that thing is. "this is painful, this sucks, i hate it... but that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better for me. it doesn't mean my life is doomed..." etc etc etc. it's this very small flip within yourself, that actually leads to results. not trying to force yourself into believing you aren't even who you are when you've identified as yourself this entire life. remember that god's name is I AM, and literally nothing else.

and doing something to get something else is just... not it. it's time for you to truly want to feel better, regardless of anything else. that's why so much of this starts to get trickier than it needs to be.

non-identification is literally as simple as realizing... you are bound to no past, and you have the opportunity of every future you can possibly imagine. why ? because non-identification is literally just non-attachment. when you're not attached to this idea of who you were, of the struggles you used to face, you're able to allow in different experiences. and y'all... this as simple as being able to say to yourself, "i am allowed to experience something new" and don't let your fear of the unknown stop you from experiencing something new.

here's where it doesn't feel so simple though. how can you just stop identifying with this whole human self when the traumas of the past keep coming back to haunt you ? thats the thing. you don't just stop identifying with it. you let this be a process, a non-linear path to liberation. slowly, but surely, if you keep at it everyday, even when you feel you're only going backwards... one day you will realize how much more free you are. how much more easier it is to move into a new beautiful story for yourself, one that isn't contiminated by your past. but let today be today ! and whatever may come, let it come.

this is why just focusing on yourself is so helpful because if you're simply doing the best you can for yourself and your feeling state, the daily dramas are no longer your ruler.

the gag is that, the more you just do these small daily practices of sitting with yourself, choosing to not engage in the stories you used to identify with in the past, and allow new experiences to come to you... the more easy it gets, the more the truth of yourself begins to show itself on its own. you have to realize that the days are going to keep passing by anyway... so stop counting them, and just commit to yourself.

i also want to quickly note that so many seem to leave out the fact that behind all of this, within the pure nothingness that is also everything. behind our human identifications and all the things we have experienced in our lives, there is unconditional love. and when we actually begin to stop identifying so deeply with who we thought we are, we are lead right back to unconditional love. love in its purest form. so, use love as your guide when things get too difficult. it's the truest thing to who you really are.

you have to let allow yourself to experience the beautiful, despite how strange it may feel. because it's going to feel strange if you've never really experienced it before, and the ego is going to fight because even when it's good, the unknown is still strange and scary. and you never have to be perfect at this to get to experience the things you want, believe it or not. i know that i still have a long way to go on this journey, there may be much more time before i ever get to fully experience the promise in full, but that hasn't stopped me from experiencing the desires of my heart on a daily basis. that's because i used these simple things, these small little flips in how i chose to see life. even if the anxiety never went away, or it was a more difficult day full of tears... this is way more possible for you than you realize. if only you're willing to allow your life to be different than it's always been. just that small allowance, opens up all the doors.

xo dream 🕊

[ethicaltreatmentofcowplants]

transcript + more info

berenice: aha! she'll never find me here watcher: you mean 'here'? "in moonwood mill, my most favouritist of worlds 'here'?" berenice: ahhhh! i mean, i didn't do it? i've been framed. it was the full autonomy, i swear... watcher: did you just sign up for deanna's bachelorette? berenice: maybe... yes? watcher: do you even *like* other women? berenice: i like other women! i have other women... friends?? watcher: *SIGH* watcher: berenice, this kind of stuff just doesn't happen in real life berenice: what kind of stuff? watcher: he will never like you back like that berenice: he? who's he??? watcher: don't be obtuse, i can see your moodlets berenice: well this isn't real life because i'm a pixel! silly you, watcher...

BERENICE "BERNIE" SMALLS

Young Adult • Ciswoman (she/her) • Physics Major (incoming senior)

TRAITS: genius, overachiever, cringe, paranoid, socially awkward, creative (bonuses: mentally gifted, always welcome, morning sim, night sim, storm chaser)

MISC: Valedictorian and championship chess captain at Copperdale. Actually wants to catch lightning in a bottle someday.

(This is a mischief interaction. She's not evil - just a disaster.)

By day she’s a straight A student, freelance programmer and budding Plopsy empire builder - and a shoe-in for valedictorian to the point where most would happily bet their own mother’s mortgage on it (yeah, please don’t actually do that).

By night, however? A cheater cheater pumpkin eater! Well, not quite (the pumpkin eating allegations however are indeed true).

Her secret? She’s a spellcaster. Her other secret? Plentiful needs potions - and lots of ‘em.

Yes, you too could manage the highest GPA in the school plus every extracurricular that didn't throw you out on your rear end (she and that dungeon master still aren’t on speaking terms), tutoring, plus a fulltime job and another part-time job, had you the equivalent of 24 usable hours in every day.

Obviously this isn’t illegal, as the greater pixel world doesn’t know about spellcasters (see: my legacy heir who still freaks out over her spellcaster husband, brother and her three children). And there’s nothing stopping anyone from washing down caffeine pills with red bull that doesn’t actually give you wings (though Berenice could attempt a potion for that). Aaaand it could be argued that werewolves who can recharge extremely quickly with a wolf nap and vampires who don’t need to sleep at all should not occult their way through Foxbury's hallowed halls. 

But there’s a difference between being thought of as just that amazing, and being thought of as significantly less amazing, because any fool believes that they can achieve what Berenice does with all that extra time she has.

Why is she entering this competition? A very good question. Well, it may be called ‘Dating Deanna,’ but this dumb smart girl has a completely different York in mind. Namely Deanna’s brother Joey, who she’s had a massive crush on ever since she met him one summer holiday in Tartosa.

"I've got this!" "I don't got this..."

She therefore signed up on a whim, and while hindsight is currently coming down on her like a tonne of bricks, she’s too obstinate to pull out now. Bernie Smalls, quit a thing? Never!

PERMISSIONS

All in - feel free to message me!

In terms of romance with other contestants, as she's a 'troll' concept have at it. Maybe not woohoo though since she's still trying to determine her sexuality.

She would be very open to flirting - and well, anything else with Joey. Will she get the opportunity? I highly doubt it but this experience can be a moment of growth for her 😆

(iou a sfs zip after dinner and other adulting!)

@changingplumbob's dating deanna bachelorette challenge (i am so sorry deanna)

[moattemptstoarticulate]

"We need more complex characters!" You guys couldn't even handle Gale Hawthorne.

This is going to be a controversial post and probably very long, but I am and have always been a Gale Hawthorne defender. Not necessarily an apologist but I am a firm believer that the amount of hate he receives through-out the series is largely unwarranted.

I do think this is partially due to the fact that a lot of people who read the books did so when they were too young to fully understand the message. It being marketed as a young adult uprising story, similar to other dystopian series released at the time meant that the critique of politics and war theory wasn’t something entirely comprehensible to the audience it was aimed at. This is partially why Gale versus Peeta is minimised to a simple love triangle when it holds so much more nuance than that. 

As I said, what a lot of people seem to do when we look at Peeta versus Gale is treat it entirely as a love triangle and minimise the nuance of the two characters and how they work against each other. Both are symbols of the two sides of war and in my opinion are meant to show Katniss a middle ground in her morals and what are the "justified" lengths someone is willing to take in order to achieve relative peace and freedom.

From the beginning of the trilogy we get an idea of the society that these characters live in which I believe is best shown through the tesserae system. Immediately it is apparent to the audience that district twelve is in extreme poverty with food being used as a manipulation tactic by the capitol. Gale, with his father dead and three younger siblings, is forced to have his name in the reaping forty-two times. This sets-up the world view that will shape these two characters and their paths for the rest of the books. They live in a system where you must pick between starving to death or increase your risk of dying in the arena. Gale is quick to condemn the capitol and suggest a way to rebel, saying he and Katniss should run away. Katniss at the beginning of the books has become complicit in a system she cannot change. She doesn’t think that voicing her anger will change anything and so she opts to stay quiet, this causes her to turn down Gale’s wishful request by pointing out the lack of practicality in his plan. Suzanne Collins, with this unsuspecting conversation, foreshadows Gale’s role in the books and in Katniss’ life.

Inherently Peeta serves as Katniss’ moral compass or conscience. There are a lot of subtle ways this dynamic is shown with Peeta. His hope, altruism and kindness shows Katniss one outlook on war and oppression during the course of the books. We see it first when he gives Katniss the bread from the bakery. A small but kind offer with no expectations which isn’t often seen in district twelve due to the society they function in. I also find it interesting that everyone Peeta kills through-out the books is either out of self-defense or mercy. He refuses to engage in violence as that’s what the Capitol wants. This mindset is persistent throughout the books. Peeta isn’t opposed to the revolution but he is firm in his stance that they should always do everything in their power to do the right thing and he believes that violence and sacrifice is not the right thing.

If we look at Peeta as Katniss’ conscience/moral compass, we can look at Gale as her sense of justice and rage. Gale, like Peeta, actually seems to be a very loving character, raising his family after his fathers death, Putting his name into the reaping a multitude of times in order to feed them and his love for Katniss (which he definitely had even if he didn’t do so in the best manner) The first real thing we learn about him past being Katniss' friend is that he is sacrificing his safety to feed his family. From the beginning we know Gale hates the Capitol and wants to rebel and after Katniss goes into the games he is forced to play along with Capitol propaganda, get brutally punished by Peacekeepers and watches district twelve get destroyed. His disdain is only amplified as the books go on and the tyranny of the Capitol persists. He believes that the ends always justify the means, even if it means extreme violence and sacrifice. He is incredibly angry and having not met anyone from the Capitol like Katniss and Peeta, struggles to humanise the casualties of the war.

Both of these outlooks are shown very clearly in the Mockingjay. Despite Peeta not agreeing with a violent rebellion, what I feel convinces Katniss to partake in it is when she sees Peeta on TV after being kidnapped by the Capitol. As I’ve established I feel Peeta is representing her conscience and what is considered the “right thing” to do. Katniss is convinced to join the rebellion in order to save her conscience, Peeta. Joining the rebellion, which Gale is a major part of, is the first time I think we see Suzanne Collins trying to convey that neither side is “right” and that to win a war there needs to be a middle ground.

Katniss is us as we watch both viewpoints and decide where we fall on this spectrum. We are shown the downsides of both ideologies. With Peeta getting hijacked and Gale getting dubbed the "Prim Reaper" by fans. As I’ve said Peeta isn’t un-political, but contrary to Gale he tries to rebel without violence but manipulation of the media. We see Peeta waving out the window of the train trying to charm Panem and again in the interview he plays along with Caesar's jokes. He aims to humanise himself and Katniss to Capitol citizens when he mentions the crush he has on her. He does so again when he says his infamous “if it wasn’t for the baby” line. Now I could give an in depth discussion on the commentary behind this line alone but not today. The main point I’m getting at is that Peeta knows how to play the media. We see that after this line, suddenly the Capitol citizens no longer agree with the Quarter Quell or the idea of the hunger games.

Peeta becomes a beloved figure because he does not blatantly voice his rebellion. It’s so subtle that the Capitol Citizens see him as complying to the regime with a joking smile as he discusses something as mundane as the smell of the showers. He talks about how the showers in the Capitol are much nicer. He is playing up to the idea that Capitol citizens believe, that they should feel lucky to be where they are and be treated so nicely. They are not aware, unlike Snow and the other tributes, that everything Peeta says in an act of subtle rebellion. He comes across as humble and charming and a little cheeky. In TBOSAS Snow comes up with ideas to get more people to watch the games. A quote directly from him explains why Peeta’s tactic works so well.

“If we need people to watch we should be letting them get closer to the tributes before the games. To make the stakes personal.”

Peeta never clearly insults or condemns the Capitol making it so no one can recognise his want for a revolution. He becomes personable and likable in order to plant the seeds in the minds of the viewers by being outwardly complicit yet lacing it with a message. When he says that he can never be with his crush because they’ve both gone into the arena together, it saddens the citizens who are rooting for him because even if he does win, his crush dies in the arena, and if he doesn’t he never gets to be with her to begin with. To the viewers it's a movie and you root for a character (much like it is to us as the audience) but in their world, their favourite tribute dying doesn’t hold weight in the same way it doesn’t hold weight to us because at the end of the day they are fictional characters. This perpetuates what we already know, that the Capitol citizens are so desensitised that the tributes aren't real lives or people. There is definitely a message behind this but this post is already ridiculously long so I’ll save that for another time.

We know that the citizens don’t react well to condemnation when Johanna and Beetee speak negatively upon the Quarter Quell and we hear the crowd getting angry. Peeta takes the same approach that garnered him sympathy and love in his first interview when mentioning his crush on Katniss. In "Catching Fire" he says  the line “We’ve been luckier than most. I’d have no regrets at all.” This is him once again playing humble and lovable and he makes sure never to blame or speak negatively about the Capitol or the Games themselves. When he says “if it weren’t for the baby.” it doesn’t come across as rebellious but as a genuine unfortunate coincidence. Peeta is an adored undercover Rebel who the media and Capitol Citizens trust to be loyal and well-meaning and also put on a good show

Whilst this tactic worked well in Catching Fire, with Capitol Citizens needing to be mollified, not because of someone speaking negatively about them but because they are genuinely enraged at the circumstances, it is used against him when he is hijacked and he is forced to ask for a Ceasefire in an interview with Snow. Because he is now seen as a trusted Capitol Darling who is known to perform well on TV, no one suspects that he might be saying these things under duress. Seeing this interview pushes Katniss to be the symbol of the revolution. Her symbolic conscience is having his own non-violent form of rebellion used against him and also getting tortured and in order to save him she realises that sometimes violence is necessary.

SOMETIMES being the key point and why Gale is there to show that the other side of the spectrum is not good either. I feel like a lot of people like to point out that Peeta also lived in district twelve and didn’t react in the same way that Gale did. I need to point out that whilst both of them grew up in poor conditions, Peeta lived in the Merchant’s village as the Baker’s son. This is not to say that he didn’t have a hard life. Katniss learns that they couldn’t afford most of the ingredients they baked with and lived off of stale left-overs but we can also infer that the family was never so poor that they were on the brink of starvation like Katniss and Gale have faced. (The way I’m speaking implies that I think the food conditions for anyone in twelve or the other districts were okay. They were not, I’m speaking relative to the world and characters in this conversation.) Gale, in order to put food on the table had to sacrifice his chance of safety from the arena and have his name in the reaping forty-two times and I think this gives an interesting differential between the two when we’re discussing why they took such different paths in their reaction and stance on the rebellion.

Gale believes that anything they have to do in order to take down the Capitol is necessary, even if that means sacrificing people along the way. He is one of the leading voices of the rebellion and chosen to be Katniss’ right hand when she agrees to become the symbol for it. He is the total extreme of the measures one is willing to take and we see Katniss struggle with this a lot. Suzanne Collins took Peeta out of Katniss’ life in the books as a way to explore Gale’s ideology more. With her conscience gone, it leaves Katniss to decide on her own what she deems just action in this fight. The longer Peeta is away the more violence we see Katniss use. When the rebellion goes to district eight, we see her fighting as the circumstance permits. The difference between Katniss and Gale is that Gale doesn’t see the Capitol citizens as people but as numbers to win the war. I honestly don’t think this is absolutely crazy for him to do. Gale, unlike Katniss and Peeta, has never met anyone from the Capitol, and hasn't had the opportunity to humanise them like they have. Given that the Capitol are the people who view the deaths of the children from the district as entertainment and who put them in that environment, I find it hard not to be sympathetic to his outlook. It is not to say it is the right outlook but one I think can be understood.

There's a point in the book where Katniss comes across a Capitol citizen and when she goes to speak in order to warn people of their arrival. Katniss shoots her through the heart. She does this to the woman because if she doesn’t, they will almost certainly be caught, tortured and killed. Before she does this she describes how the woman looks. She isn’t just a number to Katniss, she is a human who she has killed. This is one of the best examples of the middle ground of the book and poses a question. Was it morally justified for Katniss to kill this woman? Most of us would say yes given the alternative. This is Katniss straying towards Gale’s view where the ends justify the means but the description of her beforehand, the humanising, that’s Peeta pulling her back to the middle. Yes, the woman had to be killed in order to protect Katniss and the rebels but she also acknowledges that it was A PERSON she killed, not a just another tally mark in aid of ending the Capitol.

It’s now time to discuss what we’ve all been waiting for. Prim Reaper.

Now, this is one of those conversations that I don’t think I’ll win anyone over if you don’t already agree with it to begin with. I do not think that Gale is the person to blame for Prim’s death. He was definitely complicit in it with the creation of the bomb, but if that’s the reason everyone blames him for her death, why not blame Beetee too? I also think it's worthy to note that Gale did not authorise the attack that killed Prim. We learn that he didn’t even know it was a plan, and it places doubt on whether it was actually Gale’s technology that killed her in the first place. The reason Suzanne Collins killed Prim was to show, like with Peeta getting hijacked, that too much of one ideology will eventually result in failure. Killing Prim, a character we know, rather than a group of random healers, portrays this enough for both Katniss and us as the audience to entirely rule out Gale as a plausible option in both his war tactics and as a love interest. Prim’s death is when Katniss, through personal loss, realises that whilst violence is necessary, sacrifice to the extent that Gale views as sufficient is no longer justified but rage fuelled vengeance.

To me, blaming Gale for Prim’s death is like blaming the gun rather than the person who pulled the trigger. Gale is as much of a victim of the Capitol as anyone else in the books. He becomes a ruthless revolutionary not because he is a horrible bloodthirsty monster but because he is a teenager raised in a society where he’s always been forced to make sacrifices in order to keep himself and his family alive. If the Capitol and the games did not exist, Gale would never have been in an environment where he had to become so desensitised. Is he a good person? No, but is he a bad one? Definitely not. He is there to show how any extreme ultimately results in disaster, as is Peeta.

The scene where Katniss shoots Coin and leaves Snow to be mauled to death by the citizens is where this attitude is best shown. The suggestion of a game for the Capitol children is completely obscene to Katniss. She knows that Coin is extremely similar to Snow. One could say they’re two sides of the same coin…! She chooses to kill Coin in order to achieve peace. These are the two ideologies finally settling in the middle ground. Ending the cycle of violence to achieve peace with one final violent act. It’s hard to predict how the books would’ve concluded without Gale. Would Katniss have rebelled so publicly in catching fire were it not for Gale’s influence? Would she agree to be the Mockingjay? Would Peeta’s rescue mission be successful if Gale hadn’t been the first to volunteer for the team? Would Katniss have shot that citizen or let their location be given up and have it ultimately result in their death and torture? Would she have killed Coin or let the tyrannical cycle continue? Obviously I can’t answer any of these questions because we simply don’t know what the books or Katniss would look like without Gale’s presence because he is important. He is fundamental in the war efforts, whether his actions are ethical or not.

I think the final note I want to leave is what Katniss thinks the final time we see Gale in the trilogy. Katniss, right before she goes to kill Snow and ultimately decides to kill Coin, speaks to Gale in the aftermath of Prim’s death. He hands her the arrow she’s meant to use, which I think is symbolic, the final act of violence handed off to her by her sense of vengeance before they never see each other again. After he leaves she thinks. 

“I want to call him back and tell him that I was wrong. That I'll figure out a way to make peace with this. To remember the circumstances under which he created the bomb. Take into account my own inexcusable crimes. Dig up the truth about who dropped the parachutes. Prove it wasn’t the rebels. Forgive him. But since I can’t, I guess I’ll just have to deal with the pain.” 

Katniss can’t forgive him because it’s just too personal, but she understands why he did what he did, knows that he did what he felt he had to do in the situation he was dealt. Do you really think Suzanne Collins aimed to villainise Gale? I don’t think so. She is too complex a writer to make us hate a victim of oppression. Katniss’ thoughts after their final interaction doesn’t scream to me that she thinks Gale is a villain of the story. Just another victim who ultimately went too far in their attempt to reach their goal. The line “Remember who the real enemy is.” is so consistent through-out the series that it baffles me that people have decided they hate Gale more than Coin or Snow. Gale Hawthorne is by no means a perfect person, no one in this book is. But he is not a bad person either, he’s simply a boy who couldn't see the middle ground through his need for vengeance against an oppressive power.

All that being said I may have completely missed and I am entirely open to hearing opposing opinions of this discussion. These books are so complex and there is no way I could do an entire in depth analogy of Gale or Peeta or their environment. That being said I hop you enjoyed my attempt to articulate my thoughts on Gale

[alvie-pines]

So, I just want to say something real quick about Wilbur Soot and the expectation fans have of all his friends to come out and immediately make statements and drop him. I particularly want to talk about Tommy because i see parallels between his relationship with Wilbur and my relationship with an adult who made me feel responsible for his wellbeing. I am not saying that their relationship is like this, just that based on what we've seen it could be, and we should be prepared to be empathetic and understanding to Tommy in case it is like this.

So some background. Starting at 13 or 14, I had a friend in his thirties who made me feel responsible for his mental health. I won't go into great detail, but I was constantly reassuring him and trying to keep him from killing himself, which was something he gave me multiple scares about. He would disappear and not respond to messages for days or weeks after posting suicide notes on his tumblr... but he was fine every time, just stepping away. Still, it scared me every time, and I felt like I hadn't been doing a good enough job helping him be happy.

I was friends with him from 13 to 16 and I felt responsible not just for his happiness, but his life.

It was so difficult to end that friendship that it took him blocking me multiple times before i could accept that he wasn't my responsibility anymore.

I defended him, let him get away with shit, let him have way more power over my life and beliefs and relationships than he should have. Because i was so toxically attached to him and believed what he told me, I seriously hurt my best friend in the whole world and I will never be able to fully express how sorry I am for it.

I'm saying this because there is evidence that Wilbur and Tommy's relationship contains similar dynamics. Wilbur has said that he relies on Tommy for his mental health. They met when Tommy was, what, 15? That's not healthy. Wilbur is an adult. I've also heard that Tommy has had to talk Wilbur down from suicide. This is extremely similar to what I experienced, and as much as it discomforts me to be seriously speculating about two ccs' relationship off-camera, I can't help but see the strong similarities to my story.

And Shelby's story corroborates this kind of behavior from Wilbur. She also was made to feel like Wilbur relied on her. For Shelby it was about his living situation--she felt like he needed her to take care of him, like he was too traumatized or depressed to take care of his own house and affairs, and if she stopped doing it it just wouldn't get done. And because she is a kind person, she didn't want to leave him like that.

This kind of behavior traps the victim in a relationship with the abuser by making them feel guilty if they try to leave or even distance themselves. It makes the victim feel like they cant hurt or go against the abuser in any way, for fear of blood on their hands, literal or metaphorical. It drives you to defend them, to try to stay by their side even as they prove themselves a terrible person.

So if Tommy isn't immediate and decisive in dropping Wilbur, I think we should be understanding. In these sorts of manipulative relationships, its really hard to speak badly of the abuser, and its hard to accept when others say they're abusive. That's an aspect of the abuse.

It took me until I was 13 to even be consciously aware of my mom doing this to me, and I only became aware of that "friend" doing it when I hadn't spoken to him in years.

This is the sort of thing that is VERY difficult to process and navigate and I think we should give Tommy, and other people close to Wilbur, some grace in navigating it. They should still drop him, but I think we should let them take some time because dropping an abuser who acts like this is very difficult, and they make it so on purpose.

[talenlee]

Decemberween 2024 — Youtube Academia

Hey, I’m in academia, here are some people I look to for ‘how to communicate and make a point in academia and what you can use it to do.’

First up, hand over heart, this is going to have a real sampling bias. I’m going to point to three diferent academics who make stuff in spaces I can participate in and all three of them are dudes, and white enough that my dad would mostly consider them white. He’d probably be on the fence about Daniel Immerwahr. This is a problem in academia in general and it’s a problem with me in the specific: The stuff that I’ve gotten attention to, even the stuff that is explicitly about broadening my access to and understanding of nonwhite cultures and the nonwhite parts of the world is coming to me through white guys from academia. I’m not wild about it but it’s better in my mind to acknowledge it and present the sources then pretend this isn’t where I’m coming from.

Anyway, hey, here’s an essay titled Why Hip-Hop is the Most Important Artistic Movement In Human History.

Why Hip-Hop is the Most Important Artistic Movement in Human History: A Professor Skye Video Essay

Watch this video on YouTube

I think this is a good starting point for Professor Skye’s work.

Professor Skye presents three kinds of work. One is album reviews, where he breaks down and analyses components in how albums work and what they present in their messages, in a way that explicitly is not seeking to centre his interpretation but rather academically recognise a useful generalised language bridge for people like me who use the term ‘generalised language bridge.’

Second to that there are kind of larger, high-concept comparisons, where he provides a meaningful explanation to people outside of hiphop interest as to what’s going on. This led to him going extremely viral thanks to explaining the Kendrick/Drake beef this year which, god that was a thing, wasn’t it. The third thing that Professor Skye does is historical and academic contextualisation of music media. That can be things like ‘here’s iconic stuff from the 1980s,’ and it can be ‘behold as I use Proust to discuss this album.’

In each case I think there’s a sort of meaningful value to ‘doing the readings.’ Listening to the albums he talks about or the songs he talks about as and when he starts to talk about them means that each video is a sort of expository piece to accompany the text. I watch media analysis all the time of stuff I have not and never will watch, like Victorious, but in that case, the analysis is explicitly trying to present the text so you don’t need it. That’s not what Professor Skye is doing. This is not a channel trying to convince you to enjoy a thing or to enjoy the thing without the thing. It is a textual engagement with the album, and that is a really cool thing to do. You might not even have the mental muscles practiced for that at this point.

I'm What the Culture Feeling

Watch this video on YouTube

By the way, if you listen to Skye and go ‘oh hey, this is interesting and I’d like to know more,’ here’s a video essay from FD Signifier which is long, yes, but also extraordinarily good, about the same kind of topic and coming from inside the culture. If Skye makes you think ‘hey, I could be interested in this,’ then you should probably then check out FD Signifier.

Your Grammar Is Basic Compared to Black English

Watch this video on YouTube

But hey while I’m talking about language bridges (I was, honest), what about a language expert to talk about distinct grammatical differences between English (as I am used to calling it) and Black English. Language Jones is an interesting guy with a specific skillset, which is expertise in linguistics at an academic level, specifically the way your brain picks up and relates to linguistics. When you do that, you stop having to focus on formal and proper structures and instead get a lot more inclined to seeing the way language slops into the grooves in human brains and social spaces. Sometimes that means explaining to you and me what a wug is, and that’s interesting, but I find it much more interesting when he does dives like this one.

In this video, what Jones is doing is picking apart Black English into the toolkit I have in my head for understanding proper English, with terms like subjunctive and participle, and then demonstrate that the way Black English works is entirely a coherent grammatical structure, it’s not vibes or habits or attenuating with a specific person, it’s a whole other form of English and it’s really fucking nuanced. There’s a degree of fineness in Black English that is simple absent from Proper, Formal English. Formal English that I was taught is structured such that there are a host of unintuitive, hard to maintain stiff forms for completely correct conveyance of intent (“can I” vs “may I”), while Black English instead has a coherent grammatical structure that gives more fine control for intention, tense and position and the listener is there to interpret it rather than to enforce it.

This is not totally surprising, and if you talk to uh, any Black people, you probably already know this. What this gave me is a useful toolkit for reconstructing the grammar form. Really interesting stuff!

Daniel Immerwahr How to Hide an Empire

Watch this video on YouTube

Look, I’m sure I’ve talked about Daniel Immerwahr’s work in the past. I share this video from him every time I want to get people to think about American colonialism in the ways that make them uncomfortable. It’s a good talk, it uses its time well, and it also highlights a topic and the relationship of ourselves to the way things communicate their identity through their names and symbols of themselves.

Oh and if you don’t like that, check out Daniel Immerwarh’s podcast talking about the real world histories of Dune. Talks during the pandemic were restricted, but dang some of them were on wonderfully untypical topics.

There’s more. There’s always more. Dr Kipp Davis shows up when I look for academics I follow, but his interest is in Biblical studies. He’s part of the Diablocritics, which means Dr Jennifer Bird is on there, and it’s a way I can check out her work in a way that I find very accessible and interesting, and the other members of the Diablocritics are there, too.

Still, sometimes something academic is just something interesting. I don’t think Josh Worth is a doctor or professor or something. I think technically, he’s just a designer, as in a User Experience designer, that kind of specific discipline of having a clear, meaningful purpose for a visual expression. I share to you this graph Josh Worth made of the solar system if the moon, our moon, was a single pixel.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[timeclipsed]

Hello hello hello to all my mutuals, and to all the ones I haven't followed back too! The last few days have been so hectic that I haven't had the chance to sit down and properly articulate my thoughts until now, so I hope you can forgive me for missing the mark a little here.

With this bummer of a year finally coming to an end, I know a lot of people are scrambling to find something hopeful to hear to give them faith for 2025. Reassurance, acknowledgement, kindness— anything to at least put a pretty bow on top of everything. Maybe some of you received that of which you were looking for, maybe some of you didn't and were saddened by it.

If I could, I would send every single one of you a personalized message telling you how much you mean and how happy I am that you are here with me. I suppose something more generalized doesn't have the exact same sentiment, but regardless I want to tell you that I see you, and that I care for you. Even if nobody else in the world has made you feel valued or seen, I promise that I do. You are so real, and so, so rare.

In the short time I've been here, this silly little community has become a home to me. It's always fun when things get chaotic, or when we're sharing promos, or talking about the same topics. Every single presence on my dashboard matters to me, because it creates an entirely new verse in this big, endless orchestral song we're all performing together. And every time we get a new player, with their own new instrument, I get so happy! No matter how minimal or fickle you think your contributions are, I hope you know that I appreciate them. You are beautifully articulate writers with intricately wonderful portrayals and uniquely valuable concepts/ideas. And you, in your own little ways, help to cultivate this community and make it into the exciting, welcoming place it is now! Whether you're an AU writer, or you're so canon divergent that sometimes your character doesn't even seem like the original thing, or you're entirely about OCs, or even all of the above, everything you do here is great! Thank you for being brave enough to share your thoughts with the world; with us, with me!

I may not know any of you very well, or have an idea of what you face in your real lives day-to-day, but beyond a shadow of a doubt I know that you're so brave for waking up every morning to face it and even still having the motivation to come online everyday and show us your most creative thoughts and visions! You're tenacious, resilient, and best of all you're you! You can take whatever this wacked out life throws at you and still stand tall to come back for more!

You know the craziest part? You faced that uphill battle head-on, a conflict you can only take one day at a time, and you won. Every single fight this year threw at you, you overcame. I am so proud of you! So, so extremely proud! Maybe you had days that didn't feel great or nights where you made mistakes that you regret, but those are leaps and bounds away now! Because you're still growing every single day! And now you're here, in the future!

Well, I could go on, but I won't take up any more of your time. I don't know if this is anything, or if it will matter much in the long run... but I do hope you all recognize that the sentiment is here, and that it's not going away any time soon (much like you, heheh, go you go!).

Thank you for being here, and for being you. Happy 2025!

[pyrrhiccomedy]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds terrible.

How does a machine make your bones feel like jam? What do you mean, "like jam"? What helps while you're in the machine?

You lamented the lack of a "no downers" Tumblr option before. Is there any kind of fun internet thing your followers could curate for you?

thank you for actually asking me about the Big Machine

so a modern radiation therapy machine looks like this:

It is actually kind of hard to communicate the scale of this thing. It's the size of most people's living rooms, and the whole thing rotates around you. You feel like you're trying to dock with the international space station.

Actually being in the machine doesn't feel like anything. You lay down, they take your boob out of your hospital gown and align the lasers to these little tattoos they've put on your chest and sides, they leave the room, Vivaldi plays for about 5 minutes while things beep and buzz and the space station revolves a few times, and then you're free to get dressed and go home.

Then - in my experience, as someone who is, apparently, "a real outlier" in terms of how sensitive I am to radiation - about 30 minutes later, on the subway ride home, you start to feel extremely bad. Shaky, weak, exhausted, stabbing pains all over the boob, and just an overall feeling of, like...internal griminess. Like there's grit gumming up everything on your insides. You feel wobbly, like your bones have turned to jelly. It feels a little like food poisoning, but without the nausea, if you've ever had that experience. Just that jittery, feverish, whole-body feeling of something being very wrong.

That feeling persists for 4-5 hours, then starts to taper down; but it never tapers down completely, so every day (and you go in for radiation every day, except for weekends) it builds up a little bit more. So on Monday, you feel like shit for a couple of hours, but you shake it off by dinner time; but by Friday, you're dragging yourself through every step of the process and then you get home and pass out for 14 hours.

It's weird, too, because it's not like there's anything that the doctors can do to make it better. Like, they can't give you a different treatment, or give you less radiation. There's a set amount of radiation you need to receive over a set amount of time to be sure that they've killed all the cancer, and the alternative to radiation is cancer, so you're getting radiation. The radiologist was sympathetic to how hard I've been taking it, but all she could really do is remind me that it's temporary. All of the effects of the radiation will be out of my system a week or two after the treatment ends, so like. Knuckle down, camper, it is what it is.

Y'all are sweet to ask if there's anything you can do, but honestly, not really. I vent a bit about this stuff on Tumblr because I don't want my friends and family to have to hear about how tough this is. Sending the occasional nice message or little question is appreciated! It gives me something to think about that isn't cancer.

[j0kers-light]

I was wondering if you would maybe want to write a Joker x reader where the reader has issues with her spine? I had to get spinal fusion surgery a few years ago due to severe scoliosis. And I’m doing a lot better now. But I still have some chronic pain, and difficulties doing things that involve my upper body and lifting heavy weights. It’s also still hard for me to twist without pain, and to use my back to lift things. And I have a long scar going down my whole back that i feel like joker would be curious about. Especially because I don’t tell people about my surgery/pain because I don't want to seem whiny. So if Joker was real I would try to never mention it tbh. But I have to occasionally get a yearly check up x-ray. So I would probably have to explain why on earth I’m going to the hospital for x-rays 🤣

I am kinda curious about how joker would act, and If the reader having lots of issues and weakness would change their dynamic at all. And if he'd be more protective or the same. I feel like he might be more protective just because I have 21 screws in my back. So if I got into some kind of accident where they get loose, they could maybe pierce my internal organs, but that's kind of unheard of and should hopefully never happen 😅😅 Sometimes when I have a lot of pain I do get paranoid that they've somehow come undone and I feel my scar for any bumpy spots 🫠🤢 But that's more of a me thing and my anxiety 😅🤣

Anyways this is totally a self insert and this ended up really long so if you don’t want to write it I totally understand 🥰😅 Sorry I wrote so much😅

His Lighthouse: Screws n' All (LedgerJoker x f!reader)

Screws n' All - Oneshot

KEEP IN MIND THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER UPDATE!

Hey hi anon!! 🖤✨

Please don't hate me for the extremely long time you had to wait for this oneshot (since July 2024?!) I feel ashamed! For your patience, it was an honor to flesh out your self insert and you should know by now, Chaos is all for representation! I must thank you for your patience because sweet Gaia... If you wish to sue, I deserve it.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and being absolutely beautiful!! Chaos hopes you enjoy love! 🖤✨

If you wish to be a part of the His Lighthouse taglist, do let me know via comment, ask, or a quick direct message!

In the many months that you and Joker been together you learned a lot. One, he is still just as much a mystery than when you first met, and two: Joker is very observant.   

Every little thing that involves you, he’s on it. His green eyes flickered with curiosity, scanning the world around his Bunny—searching for anything out of place. Anything that might bring harm to you or expose him, he acknowledged. You became immune to his protective nature that spiraled into toxic obsession.  

Joker had yet to hurt you so what harm was there being loved by him? 

Despite his attentive nature, you did well to conceal your biggest flaw. The long scar running down the expanse of your back.  

You felt it with every shift you made, the many screws that held you together. Days when your anxiety grew too much, you swore you could feel them moving around and frantically rubbed your skin for any bumpy spots. But that was just your paranoia.   

Pain did crazy things to your brain, that much was certain. However, your paranoia was real when it came to everyday activities.  

You waited until Joker wasn’t looking to do something as simple as bending over or to lift something heavy.

You didn’t want to come off as grouchy, but it did hurt. You masked your winces of pain and smiled whenever he asked why you were moving too slow.   

“Nothing J!” you refused to be weak in his presence.   

Joker was the last person to understand your problems. He was notorious for being impatient and judgmental. Any sign of weakness was a turn off for Joker. You knew that and avoided it at all cost.   

But you could sense the clock running out. The day circled on your calendar loomed closer and closer. It was time for your annual checkup.   

You were uncertain about how you would sneak out of the apartment and avoid Joker finding out and following you. He still had a detail team watching your every move anytime you stepped a foot outside—there had to be a way to avoid detection.   

The last thing you wanted was for Joker to see just how weak you truly were. It was still hard for you to twist without sharp stabs of pain to shoot up your spine. You refused for him to see you naked and discover your not so little secret.   

Yet the day crept closer and closer with Joker being as clingy as ever.   

“Whatcha wanna do today, Bun? Hm? Another uhh... movie mar-a-thon orrrrr should we film another cookin’ show?” He bounced on the couch, unknowingly sending pain running up your back.  

Why couldn’t he sit still for once? The constant Gotham rain was not helping your chronic pain either.  

You simply wanted to suffer in silence today. Joker would not have it. Maybe if you closed your eyes and pretended to sleep he would go away? Nope. You cried out in pain when Joker stood up and tugged on your arms.   

The pressure on your upper back had tears pooling in your eyes and Joker instantly focused on you as a result.  

“Y/n?! What? What’s wrong?”   

You fell back with a huff, trying hard to will the pain away.  

Joker’s words quite literally went through one ear and out the other and he didn’t help when he crowded your space.   

Any other day you would have loved to see his bare face, freckles and all, up close. Joker was handsome without his signature clown makeup and those green eyes of his...  

But right now they highlighted how different you were. He was laser focused on finding the problem. You were fed up with it ruining your life. You missed being healthy, active, and full of life. Now you couldn’t do anything without risking pain.   

You didn’t know you were crying until Joker pulled your hands away from your face. “No no, nooooo no no. None of that, my Light. No.” 

 He sat on the coffee table and wiped your tears away with his thumb. “Now, mind uhhh tellin’ me what’s all thisss abouT?”  

“C’mon. My girl doesn’t cry for nothing.” J hummed when you continued to sob.  

Each tear was a knife to his own back. He was never one for consoling others but this was his Light. You were an exception. Joker would have pulled you into his arms and rubbed your back but he knew you hated being touched there.   

He noticed a lot about you.   

Joker never seen your back (ironic, you never seen his) you always hesitated before doing something strenuous, and you hated being touched there. He wasn’t dumb. You were hiding something.   

You never mentioned your aversions and he didn’t pry.  

A person’s past was private but he wanted to know everything about yours. Which was hypocritical since you would never know about his. Whatever! This was different.   

He was serious about his relationship. You were his world. Your happiness was his joy. Your pain was his next victim, and he knew you were hurting.  

He would take it upon himself to rid whatever ailed you if only you would communicate.   

“Bunny.. talk to me huh? Is it... ahh about this Friday?” you stopped crying instantly. Bingo.  

Joker snorted as he scratched his head. You weren’t that smart circling the date in red on the calendar. Talk about being obvious. “Yeah, figured it was somethin’ im-port-ant. Did I do something?”  

“No! It’s not your fault J. I-It's mine.” You wiped your eyes and shifted on the couch with a grimace. The infamous Joker was sitting before you picking his nails, wanting to know if he hurt you.  

The dynamic the two of you had was insane.   

“It’s complicated.” You said.  

“Then maKe it uncomplicated.” Joker hissed.   

You knew that tone. He was getting frustrated. This was exactly what you wanted to avoid. Your anxiety was at an all time high so you acted without thinking things through.   

You sat up slowly to take off your shirt. “Woah! H-Hey uhh whatcha doin’ there doll?” Joker said in a panic.   

He wasn’t fazed by your nudity (he loved your body) but now was not the time for that! You didn’t speak, even as you struggled to raise the fabric over your head. A frustrated huff signaled Joker to help you. 

He leaned forward to help lift your hands up, kissing your nose before it disappeared under the cotton shirt and then off. You were still beautiful with teary eyes. “A goddess.” J whispered.  

He tossed the shirt somewhere in the room and watched as you began to turn around. Try was the better word.   

You twisted about halfway when the weather outside and your chronic pain clashed.

You whimpered and Joker was right there to reposition you on the couch facing away from him. The assistance highlighted how helpless you truly felt.  

It all happened in slow motion. Joker seen some nasty wounds (and created far worse with his bare hands) but seeing the long scar on your back, hit him square in the chest.   

“Oh Y/n...”  

You jumped sensing Joker’s finger trace the beginning scar tissue near your shoulder blades. It ran straight down following the curve of your spine until it ended a little above your tailbone.

You hadn’t seen it in a while but you would bet a few bucks it was inflamed. Ugly.  

Ugh, you hated your scar and it showed by how your shoulders hunched inward. You wanted to hide even if Joker had a front row view to your most vulnerable part.  

His finger came to a rest in the center of your back when you heard his raspy voice. “How many?”  

How did he know? That was a question for another day.  

You caught his jade eyes out the corner of your eye. “Twenty-one. C-Can you see them?!” You reacted fast, trying to reach around and feel for bumps that weren’t there.   

At least not on the surface.   

Joker caught your left hand and squeezed tight. “Why didn’t ya tell me doll?” 

You clicked your tongue. “That I’m a freak? Yeah, I kinda forgot. Silly me. Hi, my name is Y/n and I have twenty-one screws holding me together oh, and I’m in constant pain.” you always used sarcasm to deflect your true emotions. 

A bad coping mechanism that clearly didn’t work on Joker. He’d fix your attitude later.   

For now he just hummed and traced the fullness of your back.

He wanted to memorize every ridge and valley that made you, you. And just when you thought you couldn’t take any more of his soft featherlike touches, you felt his lips searing into your skin.   

One kiss landed on your lower back, another just above it, until twenty-one kisses branded your spine.  

Joker left a final kiss on your shoulder before speaking up. “And? I love ya screws n’ all, Y/n. Did ya think it would bother me? Me?” 

You leaned back into Joker’s chest as he kissed the slope of your shoulder and neck. It felt nice but his words felt even better.   

“I don’t care bout that stuff. I got a won-der-ful goddess in my arms. Per-fect in every way. You love my scars don’tcha, Bunny? Why can’t I love yours?” He sighed onto your skin.   

Okay he did have a point, yet your brain was still ignorant. “But mine are different. What if I get into some accident and they get loose? They c-could pierce my organs or something!”  

Joker rolled his eyes, “Seriously Y/n? Is that even possible?”  

“It could!!” you whined. You squirmed in his hold but he held firm. You weren’t going anywhere. Joker had a lot of work to do in order for you think logically.   

“Mmmm, then I won’t let ya get in an accident. There. Problem solved.”   

He made it sound so simple. You knew you were the safest person in Gotham, right here in Joker’s arms. Half nude with your lover scattering kisses and the occasional bite on your skin. Joker was getting a little artsy given how he kept trying to urge you down onto the couch. 

That was the last thing you wanted and you called his name to get his attention.   

“My appointment is a few days away! Don’t you dare leave hickeys.” You could already sense the embarrassment when your doctor and radiology team found the ‘masterpiece’ J wanted to create.  

He was obsessed with leaving his mark on you. And the clown thought it was funny. Constantly wearing high collars and scarfs in the dead of summer was not amusing. He did stop nibbling on your neck. Thank goodness.  

“Fine, fine. So booooore~ring.” He loudly kissed your check before leaning back on the couch with you in his arms. His warm chest did wonders for your aching back.  

The two of you sat in silence and watched the downpour of rain beat against the window.  

“Ya know I meant it right? I don’t care about that stuff. I’ll uhh go to your checkup with ya if you’ll stop cryin.” 

Now that made you turn a bit to glare at Joker. “You will? How?”   

He looked offended. “I have you knoooow, I’m an ex-cell-ent nurse when I wanna be. I’ll blend righT in. Don’tcha want me there for moral supporT? Hm? I’ll hold ya hand..”  

You don’t have the heart to tell J he wouldn’t be allowed in the x-ray room but the thought was there. Joker was secretly a softie, only for you.  

“Tempting, oh alright. You can come only if you promise not to kill anyone before Friday.” you nodded your decree.

Simple expectations to follow since it was just a few days out. He went much longer without a tantrum.  

Joker visibly cringed behind your back. “Uhh yeah. Before Friday.” 

You smiled and started dozing off, blissfully unaware your lover was panic cancelling a big mission and rearranging his week’s schedule in his head.

He probably just needed to stay at home this week to meet this no-kill requirement. The things he did for you.  

[thirdnap]

Hello,

Here is the life update of my past 4 years.

I began this blog many years ago in 2012 when I was only 14 years old, and I then slowly gained the courage to start posting art at 17 when I joined the K fandom. It's wild to think that I am now 25!

I was never quite consistent in posting since I only shared my art here whenever I felt like it, but it slowed down ever so gradually to basically 1 post a year for Yata’s birthday. This blog helped me with my fear of showing my art to others as I was incredibly embarrassed of my work for a really long time.

I soon moved to the USA from my homeland and attended animation school for 1 year, and then studied illustration and visual development for 4 years and I managed to accomplish many things I never could have imagined. I graduated with honors this past May, was selected by the faculty and head of department as my major’s trustee scholar, completed my 84-page art book thesis, got a few pieces into the Society of Illustrators, and my school even shot a mini docu-film about me, my art and my life where I got to share my upbringing. Art school was very demanding and at times tough but I managed to get a lot out of it :)

In July of this year, I moved to California from Florida and I’m much happier than I’ve ever been. I come from a very small country so I never expected to get this far in the art world. I drew Yata for fun in my bedroom whenever I wanted to and now I’m in LA breaking into the animation industry (receiving my first credit too!)

the drawings I share here are a very very small part of the illustrations I make weekly. I wish I could share them with everyone as I’m very proud of them but I enjoy separating my fandom life from my real life a little too much! Surprisingly I am working as a background artist at the moment despite never drawing backgrounds in this blog lol. I think many of you would be surprised at how different my work is from irl!!

It hasn’t always been great, so I don't want to make it seem like it's been all perfect. I’ve had many hard times too and at the moment I am extremely homesick since I haven't returned home in a long time but I think these are needed sacrifices.

However, I'm excited for 2024. I'm looking forward to growing as an artist and my goal is to continue to have fun with art as much as I have right now. I think I’m lucky to have a great support system including my best friend @fuurais who has been by my side for 10+ years and I managed to convert into a K artist too <3

Thank you for the support, for the kind messages, and for the excitement every time I post. I am always happy when I think of this blog and the friends I made. I unironically think about Yata every day as he is past being my comfort character tbh. I am currently writing this with full-on orange hair that I've had for a few years now lol.

I don’t think I’ll be as active as I was at 17 but I will try to not ghost this blog completely. There are a lot of things I haven’t drawn yet that I really want to do and I'd love to share those drawings with everyone.

Lots of love -

Tael <3

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #29

previous // next // story index

_____

Victor

Big hello from the newlyweds!

Yeah, I’m not over it yet. I keep catching myself staring at my ring. I’m calmed down now compared to how I was yesterday, but I think it’s going to take a long time for the euphoria to wear off completely.

The plan for today was supposed to have been to spend the entire day in bed, or to not leave our hotel room in any event. It sounded great in theory, but we should’ve known it was unrealistic. Real life has a way of intruding on all the best fantasies.

At least we had our wedding night to ourselves. When we got back to the hotel after our afternoon of sightseeing, we ordered room service, turned off our phones and hung out the ‘do not disturb’ sign. Did you know non-alcoholic champagne is a thing? It was on the hotel restaurant’s room service menu, so of course we got some. We drank it while lounging in the hot tub, like the classy gentlemen we are.

I’ll leave the rest up to your imaginations.

Anyway, this morning when we woke up and turned our phones on again to check for messages, I saw that I’d missed about a zillion texts from my mom, my cousin Leo and my coach and co-worker Sakura. There was also a text and a missed call from Tomiko. Yuri had a missed call and a few texts from his mom too.

I figured I’d better call Tomiko immediately because judging from the tone of both Sakura’s and Tomiko’s texts, whatever Tomiko wanted to talk to me about was important. I hadn’t forgotten that I was waiting for news about my job, but this week has been such a whirlwind of events that I kind of pushed all my concerns about my regularly-scheduled life to the back of my mind.

I stepped into our suite’s kitchenette area to phone Tomiko, so Yuri and I could each have some privacy for our respective conversations. Yuri was still in bed, apparently unbothered by the fact that he was on FaceTime with his mother while in his sleepwear and looking totally dishevelled. Then again, she’d undoubtedly seen him looking worse, so maybe that’s why he wasn’t too concerned.

My fingers shook a little as I scrolled through my contacts for Tomiko’s number. She answered on the second ring.

“Izumi Tomiko.”

“Hey, Tomiko. It’s Victor. I got your message.”

“Hi Victor,�� she said. “Yeah, I tried to call you yesterday, but it went straight to voicemail.”

“Sorry about that,” I apologized. “My husband and I were, uh… We were busy.”

I didn’t mention what we’d been busy doing, and I didn’t even bother to say that my husband was not actually my husband or that he had been my registered domestic partner for less than twenty-four hours. Tomiko thought we were married already, and I didn’t feel like now was the time to start explaining anything.

Tomiko was laughing. “I’m glad you’re having a good time.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling embarrassed and slightly giddy all at once. “So, what’s up? I really am sorry I missed you yesterday.”

“It’s okay,” she said, and then her tone became more serious. “I was calling because there have been some developments. The General Manager and I had a chance to watch the security video, and he’s extremely concerned that you didn’t report that incident as soon as it happened.”

I felt my heart rate speed up, and I had to make a conscious effort to slow my breathing. My throat began to hurt .

Please don’t let me start crying.

I took the deepest breath I could. “Am I fired?”

“No,” Tomiko said. “You’re not fired. If you’d like to keep working with us, you still have your job.”

“Yes, I do want to keep working with you,” I told her. “I really want to.”

“Good,” she said. “Because I really want you to as well. You’re a valuable member of our team.”

“Thank you.”

“This isn’t as straightforward as you coming back to work, though,” Tomiko continued. “Mr. Ogawa wants to meet with you when you’re back in town, and I have to let you know that he’s talked to the police. They’ll most likely want you to give a statement.”

“Do I have to?” I asked. “Talk to the police, I mean. I’d rather if we could just get back to life as normal.”

“Nobody can force you to talk to the police, but this is a very serious situation, Victor. A client of our facility assaulted one of our staff members without provocation, and that’s not something we could ever take lightly. Mr. Ogawa and I agree that something needs to be done about it.”

“Tomiko, this guy… I’m pretty sure he hates me. And my husband is terrified of him. I’m scared that if we piss him off, something worse is going to happen. He’s Yuri’s ex, and… Let’s just say it’s complicated.”

She was silent for a few seconds, but finally she returned with. “Listen, if it’s that bad and the guy is your husband’s ex, maybe he should petition the district court for an order of protection. If you can’t afford a lawyer—”

“We can afford a lawyer,” I said, even as I pictured Yuri’s reaction to where next month’s trust fund allowance might be going. “Money isn’t the problem. Fear is.”

“I want you to at least think about it,” Tomiko said.

“We will.”

“When will you be back?“

"We’re coming home tomorrow, and we’re hoping to leave for Canada on Monday.”

“Have you booked your flights yet?”

“No. That was supposed to be in the plans for today, along with applying for Yuri’s electronic travel authorization, and organizing a rental car for when we get there.”

"Do you think you can hold off leaving until Tuesday or Wednesday?”

“That’s not going to give us much time to—”

“Let me finish,” Tomiko said. “Mr. Ogawa wants to place you on administrative leave until all of this is settled to his satisfaction. You’ll have plenty of time to visit with your family in Canada.”

“But, you said I still had a job.”

“You do. This isn’t going to be forever, and the good news is, Mr. Ogawa has agreed to pay you seventy-five percent of your regular wages while you’re on leave, so you don’t have to go back to relying on just your husband’s pay cheque.” I could almost hear her smile as she added, “Think of it as extra training time for your snowboarding competitions.”

Right!

I did a quick mental calculation, trying to figure out when we’d have to be back in the country. I definitely didn’t want to miss the first competition of the season. I’d lost valuable training time over the past couple of weeks, and although I knew I’d be able to train on the North Range while I was home in Maple Grove, I needed to have more time on Arashiyama before the start of the competitive season too.

“Okay,” I said. “So, you and Mr. Ogawa want to meet with me on Monday?”

“Yes,” she said. “Can you come at eight o'clock?”

“Yeah, I can be there,” I said.

“Try not to worry,” Tomiko encouraged me. “Positive thoughts, okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed, but deep inside, I knew that was going to be a struggle. “Thanks, Tomiko. I’ll see you on Monday.”

“See you on Monday,” she acknowledged, and we exchanged goodbyes and hung up.

I stood there for a while after Tomiko and I finished our call. To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure how I felt at that moment. I was grateful that I had a job to go back to and thankful that I was going to get a portion of my pay while I wasn’t at work, but I didn’t like the idea of being on administrative leave, and I was uneasy about the police being involved in the situation.

It’s not that I don’t trust law enforcement. I think, for the most part, the police succeed in doing what they’re there to do. The problem was, unless Ren actually got arrested and locked up so he couldn’t get to us, I had no idea what he might do, and I was scared. It was probably a good thing that we were leaving the country for a while, I concluded. I didn’t know how to protect Yuri here, but with ten thousand kilometers of distance between Ren and us, I knew he’d be safe, and I might be able to come up with something once we were out of reach of the problem.

When I went back to the bedroom, Yuri was sitting on the bed, looking somber. I wondered if his conversation with his mother hadn’t ended as well as it seemed to have started.

“Hey,” I said. “Everything okay?”

'Judging by the look on your face, maybe I should be asking you that,“ he said.

"It’s good news and bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first.” He held out his arms to me. “Come here and let me hold you, and we’ll handle the bad news as best we can.”

“How’s your mom?” I asked, as I climbed onto the bed with him.

“Mama’s doing fine. She’s here in the city, and she sounds happy. She wants us to meet her for tea this afternoon. There’s a café at the edge of the park where we had our pictures, and she thought that might be a nice spot.”

“It sounds nice,” I said. “Did she tell you what she wants to talk to us about?”

“She wants to ask us for a favour." He frowned slightly. “For some reason, she didn’t seem to want to tell me on a video chat.”

“Well, I guess we’ll find out this afternoon,” I said.

I laid down beside him and he pulled me in close. I lowered my head onto his shoulder and let him weave his fingers into my hair.

He scratched my scalp gently, and I was struck by a sudden and kind of hilarious comprehension as to why dogs love head scratches so much. It felt so good. I closed my eyes, and almost without meaning to, I made the same sort of low growling sigh that my dog Rosie used to make any time I scratched her behind the ears.

Yuri laughed. “Do you like that?”

“Hmm…” I murmured. “Your puppy is going to love you. You already know exactly what to do.”

“My… what?” he said.

“Your puppy. You still want one, don’t you?”

“You mean, you’re going to let me have one? My very own dog?”

“It’ll be your wedding present,” I told him. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure you’re ready for a pet now, and of course I’ll always be around to help you with them.”

“You’re serious, right?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t,” I said. “After we get home from our trip, we can start looking. How about that?”

“Yes, please! I can’t even tell you how long I’ve wanted a dog. Ever since I was about Yuki’s age, probably, but my parents would never let me have one, and then when I moved out, the timing and circumstances never seemed quite right.”

“I think now’s a good time,” I said. “We’re in a better place financially than we were before, and your health has been good lately, so it seems like the right moment to me.”

“It sounds like we’re talking about having a child.”

“We kind of are. A dog is a big responsibility. Not quite as much as a kid, but there’s still a lot to consider.”

“I’m ready for it,” he said. “I’m going to be the best dog parent. You’ll see. All the other dogs at the dog park will wish they had a dad like hers.”

“You don’t want to spoil her too much, though,” I said. “She’ll need structure, just like a child would.”

“I know, but she can have structure and an extravagant lifestyle. I mean, that’s how I was brought up, and I turned out okay, didn’t I?”

“You turned out amazing,” I said, and he beamed.

I was delighted by his eagerness. Watching him take care of a puppy was going to be an experience well worth the chaos I was sure would ensue. It would be a lot of work, but the reward would outweigh the effort.

We’d talked about adopting a dog before, but I’d always been hesitant, worrying that neither our housing situation nor my immigration status nor Yuri’s health were stable enough for us to juggle any added responsibilities. Now that we’re in our new home, and I’ve got my permanent residency, and Yuri has been feeling well consistently for several months, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to grow our little family.

After some more excited chatter about our potential dog, we settled down once more and worked our way back to our present and serious concerns. I put my head down again, and Yuri resumed stroking my hair.

He said, “So, what did Tomiko want to talk to you about?”

“I still have a job,” I said. “That’s the good news. The bad news is that I’m off work till further notice.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, but I’m getting paid three-quarters of my normal wages, so at least there’s that. The other bad news is that Mr. Ogawa, our General Manager, called the police after he saw the video. I have to meet with him when we get back, and Tomiko said the police want to talk to me, too.”

Yuri’s hand stopped moving. “What are you going to do?”

“Meet with Tomiko and Mr. Ogawa on Monday,” I said. “I’m not sure if I really want to talk to the cops or not. I really don’t even want to think about it right now.”

“Then don’t,” he said. “It’s our last day in the city, and it’s our first full day as a married couple. Let’s try to enjoy it. There’ll be time to deal with everything else tomorrow.”

I angled my gaze up at him. “Really? That’s not like you to try to ignore stuff. That’s more my line.”

“I’m not ignoring it,” he said. “We definitely have to deal with it. Just not today.”

“Okay.”

“What would you like to do today before we meet my mother?”

“Nothing,” I said. I turned just enough so that I could kiss his shoulder. “Go back to sleep for a while, and maybe go down to the pool for a swim later. Have some fancy kind of tea on the terrace, maybe. What do you want to do?”

“All of that sounds good,” he said. “I just want to be with you.”

So, that’s exactly what we did. We crawled under the covers again and happily drifted off for another hour. After that, we went for a dip in the pool which turned into a continuation of Yuri’s swimming lessons. He can do the backstroke now, I’m proud to say. Before lunch, we wandered around inside the hotel’s hedge maze for a while, and then we enjoyed some mango juice and toasted avocado sandwiches on the terrace. It was perfect and I actually didn’t stress about our ongoing problems too much.

After lunch, we went back to our room to change because Yuri said we had to look presentable for tea with his mother. He made me put on my good shoes, and I had to wear the pants from my new suit because jeans wouldn’t have been appropriate and he said he didn’t even want to be seen in public with me in sweatpants. When I told him he was being bossy, he just laughed.

“You’ll thank me later,” he said. “Trust me.”

He was right.

I would’ve felt totally under-dressed and out of place in jeans at the restaurant we ended up going to. To me, cafés are informal places where you hang out with your friends after class and cram for exams and drink way too much tea. The cafés in my sphere of experience are absolutely the sort of places where you can comfortably show up in sweatpants, but not this place. It was classy, and it was exactly the kind of establishment I would’ve imagined Yuri and his mother frequenting, if anyone had asked me to guess beforehand.

Yuri’s mom met us outside and the three of us went in together. The foyer was dark, which usually means everything on the menu is going to be ridiculously expensive. Fortunately, Mrs. Okamoto paid for our jasmine green tea and slices of cream cake.

She seemed unusually relaxed, and not at all like the Rei Okamoto I’ve come to know and be nervous of. She was chatting amiably with Yuri about her recent spa day, and Yuri told her all about ours.

“Really? You took Victor to a spa?” she turned toward me. 'How did you like it?“

"I’m never getting my eyelashes combed again,” I said. “I liked the manicure, though. I didn’t know they made a kind of nail polish for guys.”

Mrs. Okamoto glanced over her shoulder and smiled at her son. “You’ve got quite the project on your hands with this one, darling.”

“I know,” Yuri said. “But we’re all works in progress one way or another, aren’t we? Victor has his own project, taking care of me and helping me be a better person."

“Indeed,” she said. “We are all works in progress. Every day, there’s something new for us to learn.”

“It’s too bad everyone doesn’t see it that way," he remarked.

“Some people aren’t open to the possibility of change,” Mrs. Okamoto commented. “I'm sure we all know someone like that.”

“We do,” Yuri said.

“I’m glad neither of you are that person,” she said, and then she turned briskly toward the archway that led into the dining room. “Shall we find a table now?”

She led us into the dining room, and chose a table near the window. Unlike the entryway, the dining area was bright and inviting. It even had a fireplace, although there was no fire in it. The day was far too warm for that.

The three of us made small talk for a few minutes, which was far less awkward than I would’ve anticipated. Everything was going along smoothly until Mrs. Okamoto’s eagle eye caught sight of Yuri’s wedding ring.

“Yuri, let me see your hand, darling. Is that ring new?”

“Yes.” He held out his hand for her inspection. “Show her yours too, Victor.”

Slowly, I raised my hand, letting her see the matching heart-shaped ruby on my left ring finger. “Uh… I can explain…” I stammered.

But Yuri, bursting with excitement, exclaimed, “We got married!”

"Well, not married, exactly," I clarified. "We got a partnership certificate, and..."

"We got married," Yuri repeated.

I held my breath, not really wanting to witness Mrs. Okamoto’s reaction. For a second, all she did was stare at us. Then, the most unexpected thing happened.

She smiled.

It wasn’t the tight little closed-mouth smile I’d gotten used to seeing on her. This was a genuine smile of happiness, and it utterly transformed her face. I could see instantly from which parent Yuri had inherited his dimple and his characteristic squint when he laughs.

“That’s wonderful news,” she said.

It was my turn to stare. “You… you’re happy about it?”

“Why wouldn’t I be happy about it?” she asked.

“I didn’t think you and your husband approved of me.”

“My husband barely approves of anyone,” she said. “You’ll find, however, that I am not my husband, and that I have opinions of my own. Expressing them around Kenji is simply inconvenient.”

“Do you think he’ll be mad?” I asked.

“Oh, almost certainly, but no one has any control over that. Kenji can think what he likes.” she waved a hand dismissively. “He’s not going to be pleased about this, but it isn’t his life or his future, is it?”

“No,” I agreed. “It isn’t.”

“I’ll admit, I wasn’t fond of you at first,” Mrs. Okamoto went on. “But, I’ve seen how well you take care of my Yuri. How could I possibly disapprove of someone who cares for my baby as much as I do?”

“Mama, I’m twenty-five. I’m not your baby,” Yuri protested.

“You will always be my baby, Yuri,” she said. “I know you’re all grown up now and you’re a married man, but some things never change.”

“My mom says that about me,” I said. “Well, not the married man part. She doesn’t know about that yet.”

“You’re the first person we’ve told,” Yuri said.

“Oh?” Mrs. Okamoto raised an eyebrow. “Did you get married yesterday?”

“We did, actually.”

“You barely planned this at all, did you?” Mrs. Okamoto laughed, and her laughter sounded so much like Yuri’s that I had to do a double-take. “An elopement! You boys are quite the pair.”

“I hope that’s supposed to be a compliment,” I said.

“It is,” she said. “I ought to congratulate you, hadn’t I? Welcome to our family, Victor. If you can tolerate us, you can tolerate anyone.”

“That sounds kind of ominous.”

“Don’t worry. The person with the real influence in the family likes you well enough. Kenji may make a lot of noise, but he can’t do anything to either of you unless he wants to go through me, first. I’d never allow any harm to come to my son, and since you’re important to him, that makes you important to me as well.”

“Thanks,” I said, because I had no idea how else to respond.

I one hundred percent believed that Mrs. Okamoto would never let anything happen to Yuri if she had the power to prevent it. She’d be like an angry bear protecting her cub, and it’d be terrifying. Even when she’s happy, she’s still a little bit scary, and I have to say I was glad to hear that she likes me and that she’s on my side. She’s definitely not the sort of person I’d want as an enemy.

“Have you got any plans for your honeymoon?” she asked. “Or was this little trip to the city your wedding and honeymoon all in one?”

“We’re going to Canada,” Yuri told her. “We’re going to visit Victor’s family, and he’s going to show me where he grew up.”

“We’re getting married officially once we get there," I added. "And we're gonna stay with my mom."

“Your mother was here in the summer, wasn’t she?” Mrs. Okamoto said. “I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to meet.”

“We were pretty busy,” I said.

In reality, Yuri and I had done our best to keep our mothers from meeting. My mom has made up her mind that Mrs. Okamoto isn’t the sort of person she would or could like, and at the time I had neither the courage nor the necessary knowledge to disabuse her of her views.

“Perhaps next time she visits, we can get together,” Mrs. Okamoto suggested. “I’d like to introduce myself to her. We are related now, in a way.”

“She’s coming back after Christmas,” I said. “Maybe then.”

And between now and then, I’d be praying to every deity I could think of that things didn’t go seven kinds of crazy when the mothers-in-law finally ended up in the same room.

By that point, our tea and cake arrived and there was a lull while we concentrated on that. Yuri must’ve gotten impatient to know what was really going on, though, because he put his fork down and turned his attention to his mother.

“Mama, when you asked if we’d meet you here, you said you needed to tell us something,” he ventured. “Something you couldn’t say on FaceTime or on the phone?”

“I wanted to talk to you and Victor together, since it concerns both of you,” she said. “In part, anyway.”

“What do you mean, it concerns us in part?”

“I’ll get to that,” she said, “But let me explain a bit, first.”

“Yes,” he said, “Please do.”

“I think you know I’ve been here on business all week.”

“I didn’t know that, but I’m guessing Yuri did,” I said. “Have you been staying at the hotel?”

“No. I’ve been staying with… a friend.”

The way she paused slightly, made me wonder if the person she was staying with might be something more than just a friend. Yuri must’ve been thinking the same thing, because he had an odd expression that wasn’t exactly a scowl, but that seemed too serious to call neutral.

He said, “Is it somebody I know?”

Mrs. Okamoto hesitated for half a second, but then she said, “It’s Jushiro.”

“Jushiro Nakamura? The company’s communications director?”

“That’s him.”

“I… I’m not even going to ask,” Yuri said. “Plausible deniability, in case anyone gets the idea that I know anything.”

“Yes, I think that’s best,” Mrs. Okamoto concurred.

“I like him,” Yuri said. “You know my firm has worked with him before. Mr. Tanaka has, anyway. Apparently, your company’s account is too important to hand off to someone as far down in the pecking order as me. Either that, or Mr. Tanaka knows that Jushiro and I know each other and he’s trying to avoid the appearance of any conflict of interest.”

“I’d say it’s the latter. One has to be careful of those things.”

Yuri nodded. “So, you’re here and you’ve been staying at Jushiro’s apartment, and Papa thinks you’ve been staying at the hotel. That explains how you’re writing off our room as a business expense.”

“Yes,” she said. “Don’t tell him.”

“Don’t worry,” Yuri said. “I’d never tell him that. Whatever you and Jushiro are doing, it’s no one else’s business, and I’m not about to tell Papa you lied to him in any case. I know him too well to ever put you in that position.”

“I appreciate that.”

“One question, though. If you’ve been here all week, where’s Yuki?” he asked. “You didn’t leave her at home with Papa and Hana, did you?”

“Hana hasn’t been at home, as far as I know. She’s been staying with a friend, too,” she said. “Yuki is with your father, but don’t worry. Your grandmother and Misaki have been keeping an eye on them.” She rested her hands in front of her and laced her fingers together. “Yuki is the subject I wanted to talk to you about, as a matter of fact. I need to ask the two of you a favour.”

“Do you want her to stay with us again?” I asked. “Yuri can have the final say, but I’d personally love to have her back.”

“It’s… a bit more complicated than having her stay with you for a week or two.” Mrs. Okamoto glanced away from us. “Yuri, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but our director of the North American office resigned quite abruptly about two weeks ago. Your father and the other directors have decided that they’d like to promote the assistant director into his position, but she’s lacking in experience.”

“I didn’t know any of that,” Yuri said. “Papa never talks to me about business, when he bothers to talk to me at all. The only person I would’ve heard that from would be you. But, I don’t see what someone resigning has to do with you or with Yuki.”

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly and audibly. “I’m going to America."

Yuri’s face went absolutely white. “You… you’re leaving? For how long?”

“For six months,” she said. “Essentially, I’m going to mentor the new North American director and help her until she’s able to manage the position on her own.”

“But… how am I supposed to get along without you for six whole months? I don’t want you to leave me for that long.”

"Yuri, darling, you’re a grown man and you’ve been living on your own since you were twenty-one. You’ve been surviving without me all this time.”

“No, I haven’t,” he said. “Whenever I need you, you’re there.”

“You have Victor to look after you,” she said. “He’s with you all the time. I can’t do that, even when I’m here.”

“But—”

I reached over and took his hand. “It’ll be okay,” I said. “You can call and video chat, just like me and my mom do. I know it’s hard, but we’ll get through it.”

He bit his lip. “I don’t like this.”

“If you really want to know,” Mrs. Okamoto said. “I don’t like it either. I don’t like the idea of leaving Yuki or you, or… or other important people in my life. But, sometimes we’ve got to do things we’re not happy about.”

“Why aren’t you taking Yuki?” I asked. “She could probably learn English really well if she went to school in America for six months.”

Mrs. Okamoto sighed. “I’m not taking Yuki because I’m taking Hana. Kenji thinks it’ll be an excellent learning opportunity for her, so while I’m coaching Samantha, I’ll be teaching Hana as well. I can’t bring Yuki because… Well, you know how volatile their relationship is, and I don’t think that would be good for Yuki, particularly without Kenji to keep Hana in line.”

“I’m guessing you want Yuki to stay with us for six months?”

“No,” she said. “That would be far too much to ask. She’ll stay with her father, but I’d like the two of you to take her home with you as often as you can. She needs care and attention, and I… I’m concerned there’ll be a lack of that, if I’m not there.”

“She’ll get lots of love and attention at our house,” I said.

“I’m confident of that,” she said. “I expect she’ll be with you most weekends and school holidays, as long as that works for your schedules.”

“We can make it work. Right, Yuri?”

“Of course we can,” he said. “She can come over whenever Papa needs a break from her, or whenever she needs a break from him. I’m home nearly every day, so she can come after school and one of us will take her back when Papa gets home from work. That’ll save Misaki from doing double-duty as after school babysitter.”

“Yes, Misaki and your father are busy enough,” Mrs. Okamoto said, and the slight twist at the corner of her mouth told an entire story without requiring any further words.

It seems like she and Jushiro the communications director aren’t the only ones who are 'friends’. Mr. Okamoto, it appears, might be more than just a boss to Misaki the housekeeper. The drama was like something straight out of a trashy novel, and although that sort of thing is fun to read about in books, it’s actually upsetting to hear about it happening in real life.

“When are you leaving?” Yuri asked.

“I’m leaving on the first of November," Mrs. Okamoto said. “Will you be back from Canada by then?”

“I think so,” I said.

“Good. I didn’t want this to be the last time I saw the two of you in person before I go.”

“We’ll let you know when we’re back,” I said. “You can come over to our house. You know where it is.”

“Of course. It is my brother’s house, after all,” she said. “I’d be honoured to come and visit you there before I leave.”

“Speaking of your brother,” Yuri said. “Are you going to see Uncle Kaz when you’re in America? The company office is in California, so…”

“Hana and I are going to be staying with Kazuya, as a matter of fact,” she said. “I’ll be sure to tell him you said hello.”

“Tell him a thousand times thank you for letting us live in his house. We love it, and we’re happy not to be in Komatsu any more.”

“You belong in Kiyosaka,” she said. “Both of you.”

Coming from Rei Okamoto, I considered that high praise. She really must like me if she thought I was good enough to belong in a posh part of town like Kiyosaka.

“Try to convince Uncle Kaz to come back with you when you come home,” Yuri suggested. “We’d love to see him.”

“If he’s not neck-deep in his latest adventure film, I’ll see what I can do,” she promised. “I’m sure he’d love to see you too. You’re his favourite nephew.”

“I’m his only nephew.”

Mrs. Okamoto laughed. “He loves that joke.”

“Me too,” Yuri said.

After that, our discussion moved on naturally to other topics, but the tone of our gathering had changed with Mrs. Okamoto’s news. I got the sense there was a lot more both she and Yuri wanted to say to each other that wasn’t appropriate for a public setting like a restaurant, and that they probably didn’t want to say in front of me. I hoped they’d have a chance to talk later because I could tell Yuri was really stressed out by the surprise announcement of his mother’s departure. He was obviously doing his best to keep his composure, but I knew he was scared and unhappy.

The sun was just beginning to set by the time we ran out of things to say and mutually agreed it was time to make our exit. We lingered outside for several minutes longer, and Yuri let his mother hug him.

“Be safe in Canada, darling,” she said. “Try to stay warm, and don’t forget to take your medication. And you,” she looked over Yuri’s shoulder at me. “Don’t you dare let him get lost or hurt. It’ll be his first time in a foreign country, as I’m sure you know.”

“I know,” I said. “I won’t let anything happen to him, I promise.”

“Good,” she said. “I’ll hold you to that.”

“Mama, stop trying to frighten him,” Yuri scolded her. “We’ll both be fine, and you know you like him too much to do anything really awful to him.”

“That’s… not super comforting, you know,” I said.

“Sorry,” Yuri said, but he didn’t seem the least bit contrite.

We said farewell to Yuri’s mom, and got in the car for the short drive to the hotel. We were quiet during the ride. I was lost in my own thoughts, and I suspected Yuri was equally preoccupied with his own. If we felt we had a lot to cope with before, today had proved that our lives could become a whole lot more complex in a hurry.

I knew we were each going to need time to process everything that’d transpired today, and we would need to share our feelings with each other about all of it. I was mentally preparing myself for what I already accepted would not be an easy discussion. We had decisions to make and new responsibilities to take on, and I had a feeling that none of it would come without some sort of challenge for us.

I’m not going to lie; the idea of facing the future after today feels more than a little daunting. All I know is, I’m infinitely grateful I’m not doing any of it alone.

[jupiterswasphouse]

WASP REVIEW - ZASP (BUG FABLES)

[Image ID: The in-game sprite for Zasp, an anthropomorphic red, black, and yellow paper wasp /End ID.]

As some of y'all may know from my review of the game, I'm a big fan of Bug Fables, in which wasps are a wonderfully major part of the game (although unfortunately mostly antagonists throughout, though I don't take much issue with that due to some spoilery story reasons as well as the real world territorialism of wasps, much like the species of the other kingdoms), and there's perhaps no wasp in this game more iconic than reoccurring character Zasp!

At first glance, one might think this guy is based on a paper wasp such as Polistes metricus (Interestingly with coloration that's more representative of a female of the species than a male).

[Image Source: Myself | Image ID: A photo of a red, black, and yellow metric paper wasp on a grey wooden board /End IDs.]

But apparently, according to some messages from the co-creator and one of the character designers of the game (as seen in this post by @flame-shadow in the latter addition), he's actually a potter wasp, another subfamily of Vespidae! Finding this, I searched for a bit to try to find a species that he resembled, but results are thusfar inconclusive, with none of the species I've seen so far matching his short mandibles, yellow legs, black antennae, and mostly red and black face and abdomen quite as well as the Polistes species. Perhaps he bears some resemblance to species of the genus Rhynchium, but again, I'm unable to find a species that matches, especially with all species having such large mandibles.

[Image Source: Renjusplace, Wikimedia Commons | Image ID: A photo of Rhynchium brunneum, a red and black potter wasp on a green leaf /End ID.]

If I am able to find a species that fits his look, however, I'll make sure to update y'all!

In any case however, this does make sense with the fact he's unaffected by Hoaxe's mind control and his overall antisocial attitude, only truly being socially attached to Mothiva, as potter wasps are solitary species as opposed to the eusocial paper wasps! However, once again, Zasp possesses one feature that is more likely to be found on a female wasp rather than a male, which is his stinger! The stinger of a wasp is a modified ovipositor, an egg laying female organ, whereas male wasps are known to have either no sting at all, or a pair of unfortunately named "genital spines". Perhaps this could mean something about Zasp's relationship with his gender, but who's to say ^^

As a character, meanwhile, I'm quite the fan of him! The classic sort of edgy antisocial type, but the kind of guy who is clearly loyal to those he likes, often helping you after you help him out in the Honey Factory, although only when Mothiva isn't around. Ever the loyal partner, he does everything he can to help Mothiva, and appears to get extremely upset if you attack her, only getting worse if you knock her down!

In fact, there's a quest in the game, 'Lost Item', in which, you help return a plush doll of Mothiva to a "mysterious" hooded figure in Defiant Root

[Image ID: The icon for the quest 'Lost Item' from Bug Fables, depicting who is clearly Zasp in a cloak /End IDs.]

We all know it's you buddy, no need to put that cloak on! Upon returning the doll to him, he tries not to show it but he's clearly very excited to have it back, which is so so sweet!

There is one thing that may make his attachment to Mothiva a bit disturbing if you think about it too much, though, and that's the fact that potter wasps are known to mass provision their larvae with prey to feed on. This can include beetle larvae, spiders, and, of course, caterpillars!

-

Overall: 7/10

-

This wasp was suggested by @cordycepsbian , leave your wasp review suggestion in the replies or askbox!

[gendermuddledenby]

YOU MUST BE 25+ TO DM ME WITH NSFW MESSAGES. NO EXCEPTIONS.

(I'm noticing my life balance is getting thrown for a loop due to hyperfixating on this atm, so I'm laying down a new rule for myself. I'm only allowed to be active on here from 2100 to 0400 Brisbane, Australia time. If you want to know when that is smart phone alarm apps have a world clock you can use to follow times in cities all over the world. If it's not somewhere between 2100 to 0400, I'm not supposed to be on here/hopefully won't be on here.)

[This is KINK ONLY detrans blog. I am really sorry to anyone I led on while trying to figure out what I was up for only to discover I genuinely don't want to play that hard because my brain suddenly threw up a 'NO' banner. I really thought I could handle it/have fun with it, and discovered that was not the case after all. I hope I've at least caught this before it went on too long and that you all can feel safe communicating with me anything you need to around what you want going forward/if you need to dip as a result of this, etc. And hey, this is why we have strict clear communication baselines, so when someone like me dabbles and finds out the more hard-core variant is more hard-core than they thought and they aren't actually having as much fun as they wished they were, they can call a stop, apologise, and get everyone's needs sorted out to either end the interaction or move forward with a better understanding of each other's needs.]

(I'll update this as I go but so far this is what I know/am exploring about myself:

I've been identifying as nonbinary for about 4 years now I think. I've been on T for about 6 months and my voice is just starting to drop and it's extremely euphoric for me. :D

Then one day I found this random contradictory kink entirely on my own when I started fantasising seemingly out of nowhere about being clocked by cis men who decide to teach me a lesson about what I 'really' am. This escalated to finding some general feminisation and bimbofication hypnosis files where I ran into MistressLillith's site and it all went downhill from there. I haven't had top surgery - can't afford it - and I've been enjoying using my big breasts in my fantasy so much I'm using that as a way to be happy with having to keep them. XD

I've never told anyone this outside of this kink space and I won't be except to people in this kink space on whichever end who understand why I'm like this/that this is kink only and doesn't define who I am or my beliefs in real life.)

[25+] PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DM ME

[KINK ONLY. I DO NOT WANT THIS IRL.]

Any ftm breakers/fixers are welcome to message or send in asks degrading, misgendering and aiming to detransition me so I can reach my full real female potential. Teach me how delusional I am and demand things of me. I won't be posting real photos of myself on my blog I think so far (partly for privacy partly to avoid tumblr annihilating me lol) but I may post photos of myself with lots of encouragement in dms (face blurred) after some time feeling you out.* You can tell me to do all kinds of things and I'll figure out as I go where my limits are on those and update the limits list as needed. Don't be afraid to ask for something you haven't seen me list as a limit or ask for further communication around the soft limit list; we won't know what I'm ok with if it's not there yet or specified in more detail until you ask.**

If you - Straight or Queer - are feeling particularly adventurous/malicious, you are welcome to try breaking me of ALL my queer delusions and 'fixing' me to be 100% Straight in every area of my identity and sexuality for the betterment of knowing my place in society.

I want my identity meticulously broken to pieces then put back together into the perfect, horny, cock-worshipping, feminine girl ready to be filled with seed and bred until my belly and tits are impossible to hide any longer no matter what I do.

On that note, maybe you'd like to break&fix me via notes? Below is my Detrans Notes Game Challenge, which you can participate in if you want to inundate me with feminisation training, with the aim of breaking my mental defences and identity, then remoulding me body and mind into a proper girly girl, to offset the nasty bad influence of my masc-leaning nonbinary identity.

🧑😥😳😖😣😵😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫🥵🤤😊👧

(18-24 allowed to like, reblog and interact within specific limits. Please check writing in red about 25+ only if you're 18-24 for those specific limits. Transfemmes [25+] are welcome to NSFW interact directly on this post if comfortable with helping my brain try to get over past trauma and normalise healthy consent-respecting kink interaction with transfemmes again)

THIS GAME IS SUSPENDED FOR FURTHER COMMUNICATION, SELF-REFLECTING, AND REVAMPING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.

Read this instead.

THINGS I LIKE OR SEEM TO LIKE SO FAR

[THESE ARE KINK ONLY]

- forced detransition

- becoming someone's detransition project [KINK ONLY. I'm very sorry for overestimating myself in the past and am changing everything to reflect my discovered boundaries. Let me know if I've missed any.]

- Play-acting stopping my Testosterone

- misgendering

- orientation play/bi-breaking [new one; still feeling it out but feel free to give it a go]

- brainwashing through forced hynosis/tied down and brainwashed via hypnosis... at least until I become happy and compliant and begin dropping so easily and effortlessly for the desired alterations to be properly cemented and consistently reinforced so I can never even think to try to undo it let alone succeed.

- feminisation/forced feminisation

- bimbofication/forced bimbofication

- impregnation/forced impregnation/breeding/forced breeding/etc

- patriarchy kink

- misogyny kink

- male superiority kink

- r@pe kink

- monsterfucking/alienfucking/robotfucking

- Furry [picky with what type though; nothing too human but also not too close to an actual real life animal so for eg a talking cat is a NO, but a Skyrim Kajiit can be a yes if sufficiently big-catlike but that is on the very edge of the limit on human-ness as well.]

(I'm also pansexual so I don't have a preference I just don't have any experience playing with afab bodies either. By the time I figured out I'm pan I wasn't in the physical dating scene anymore. Hopefully one day I'll get to expand my skillset. 👀)

Speaking of kinks, since first writing this Pinned post I lost a wager and was required as part of paying up on said wager to write a post with what he told me to say, then link it in the Pinned, so here you go.😅

IMPORTANT NOTE FOR MESSAGING ME

(Anything in brackets is absolutely being said out of kink. Please keep responses out of kink if they're connected to anything I've said in parentheses ->().

I will do my best not to use parentheses outside of that context.

It's especially important to keep some kind of clear line somewhere with CNC related kinks due to their naturally otherwise blurry nature. I know I'd rather be told very quickly about things I need to be aware of/careful of rather than letting it become a real problem down the line, so I'm trying to do the same thing.

I am still figuring all of this out kink wise, what I am and am not ok with, etc, so I will be trying to give reasonable room to others for me not knowing or thinking to communicate something because it's totally valid to make mistakes especially while I'm figuring out where those lines are myself. You can't read my mind. If I haven't clearly communicated something - because I didn't know myself or I said something in my head instead of out loud etc etc - then you can't know it and it's not a reflection on you if you miss something because of it.

I appreciate everyone's patience with me so far as I'm figuring myself out and learning how to keep healthily on top of CNC type kinks to be respectful and fair to everyone involved.)

(CW: Mentions below of having experienced real life non-consenting situations.

Soft Limits:

- Anything anal.***

[We can talk about it/it can be referenced/it may even be ok to instruct me to do things to myself, but we'll need to feel out what's ok. I'll communicate if something is wrong, just be aware it's a more complex area]

- Transfemmes in NSFW engagement

[PLEASE HEAR ME OUT!! I believe in trans women's rights I've just had trauma because my sexually/emotionally/psychologically abusive ex happened to be a trans woman. I'm working through this and I hope one day to be more comfortable around trans women in sexual contexts again. I consciously know there is no actual problem and trans women are NOT inherently abusive any more than any other demographic on this planet. That's TERF bullshit and I do NOT stand for it and if anyone ever tries to use abusive trans women existing as a reason to write off the entire transfem community I will absolutely stand by transfem people against that. Unfortunately my subconscious brain where all the trauma shit is kept is bad at understanding that so I feel it's better to keep my distance so random transfems aren't dealing with any subconscious bullshit from my end because of one individual who doesn't represent them in any way.

I promise I will try to work through this and get better because it does suck and I really don't want to be discriminating like that regardless of what happened to me. One day I hope to have developed enough good rapport with a transfem who understands my problems/has the patience for working with them, and if she's up for it try exploring a little further and keep showing my brain the reality of the abuse not being connected to transness in any way and try to make it let go of all that so I can get over it and open up easier again to all the safe and wonderful transfems out there in whatever way we all want at that time, no bullshit baggage attached.

Until then, I am comfortable following you/you following me and engaging with each other's posts etc if any sexual content isn't specifically directed at me, and I'm fine with talking and engaging with things directed at me in nonsexual contexts. While I'm still fixing myself though, transfems please do protect yourselves however you need. I will not be offended if you block me over this. You have a right to stay away from people you don't feel safe around and a right to be fully and unconditionally accepted. You are beautiful and valid and absolutely a real woman - if you identify that way - and you ALL deserve to be treated as your identity, no exceptions, even my abuser.]

- Intox kink.****

Hard Limits:

- Fauxcest [I can compartmentalise if it pops up but I'd really rather not; I don't get it]

- NO MINORS. GET OUT.

- 25+ ONLY FOR ANYONE DOING NSFW WITH ME. THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE. [I'm turning 30 this year and I personally find it extremely inappropriate and uncomfortable actively engaging with anyone any younger than 25 in a kink way. I know what it's like to be in a relationship with an older adult and the risk of abusive power dynamics - regardless of who is in what role - is just too high and I don't want to perpetuate that. Maturity often comes a lot later than 18. I am fine with the youngest character in a fictional ship being 18 as it's fiction, but as with many things I hold different beliefs for real life. Also even if you're 25, if I get the vibe that you are a young 25 year old, I will respectfully disengage until you mature to a point safer for interacting with me. As you are still an adult, how you conduct yourself elsewhere is none of my business, but please respect my boundaries for interacting with me.

However, as above with Transfemmes, I don't mind interacting with anyone between 18-25 in an SFW manner and reblogging their NSFW posts, so long as none of the NSFW is directed at me and I don't direct it at you either. ]

[Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Ok]

- Actually going off T irl

- Anyone trying to detransition me irl [I was curious, dipped a toe, stubbed it and realised I'm not equipped for the deep end. My apologies again.]

- Daddykink/Mommykink [BIG SQUICK NO; mommykink is also pretty much a trigger for me honestly]

- Scat/piss play [squick no]

- Ageplay [Also BIG SQUICK NO]

- Incest

- Rimming [same reason]

- Anything in general that would viley disgusting in an unhygienic/disease-risk dangerous way in real life eg: licking a toilet seat or some other really dirty/mouldy/whatever thing etc.

- Wound fucking [squick no]

- Raceplay

- Zoophelia/Bestiality [ie: sex with actual animals. If you keep it fictional, I'll just mind my own business and block you like I do any other kink that grosses me out personally. If you actually do shit with real animals however, I'd like you to consider the fact they are incapable of informed consent by virtue of not having human brains to begin with. If sex with an intoxicated human who hasn't given prior explicit and well-communicated consent while sober to be fucked in that state is assault, don't you think that applies to a creature who straight up can't conceive of complex sexual interaction, can't communicate complex needs around sexual interaction, and therefore does not meet the necessary baseline human standards of informed consent? Maybe try not doing it, and instead buying a knotted dildo from Bad Dragon or something. They make horse cocks and wolf cocks and all sorts of things. I get wanted to be knotted; bitch, I love knotting. Actual dogs ain't where it's at though.]

- I'll add more to this as I remember or discover them.)

Actual transphobes will be shot on sight.

*(Obviously this is done with the understanding that consent has ONLY been given to YOU to see those photos and you are to keep them to yourself. Consent is imperative in any kink space and if you don't respect that you shouldn't be here until you do).

**(Asking is ok. Badgering and boundary crossing are not.)

***(I had a bad experience with the mentioned shitty ex who was very much NOT respectful of informed consent rules and pressured and even forced me in real life into sexual encounters before I was ready, including anal, and didn't even lube/prepare me properly and made me really turned off from anal for a long time but it's been years now and I tried putting a finger up there when I'd orgasmed several times and was highly aroused and relaxed and it went right in with barely any discomfort so I do have anal play on my soft limit list as something I want to try taking back control over very slowly and gently so she's not my only experience with it and I get to enjoy it on my own terms again with someone I trust who respects real life boundaries and proper consent negotiation etc).

**** (I actually do want to explore this at some point because that's something else my ex did to me in an actual real life nonconsenting context and I want to take it back from her and make it my own to enjoy.)

[madame-fear]

Okay, so. Yesterday I received a rather extent anon message blaming me for, apparently, “not being neutral in the drama” because I’m mutuals with someone that had little involvement in the situation I think, and as I found out today, my mutual already clarified things and apologised.

I left my answer to the ask in the drafts, but today I opted to ignore the message and remove the drafted answer. I did this not only because I wanted to drop things already and not stir up any more shit, but also because I have a condition where I constantly tremble, and any extreme emotion — whether it’s good or bad — makes my shaking worsen to the point I can barely function even for basic things and I feel sick in the stomach.

It wasn’t worth going through that. I thought it would be better to answer ask messages of people ranting, or asking things about it that were within the reach of my knowledge.

Until today, that a burner account named @/quillantrophy (which, they accidentally exposed their real account @/wewereforever in one of their screenshots and now they both deactivated), thought they could do a “call out” post... Posting my answers to anon asks & basically treating me as a hypocrite over nothing?

And they said I should explain things because since I wasn’t commenting on anything they said on the post, I was “adding fuel to the fire” (that exact quote). I didn’t have time to explain things at the moment, but I do now and I will answer bit by bit. I will do this just to avoid possible misunderstandings.

I want to clarify that I don’t feel comfortable getting involved in things that I’ve never been involved in— and if I receive more messages about the drama itself, those messages will be deleted. I feel kind of bad about this since people have only been coming to my ask box asking thing about it confuses, or seeking comfort from the moment, but like we’ve been saying, it’s better to drop things already, and focus on the good things inside the fandom.

The answer to the post is below the cut. It’s going to be long, sorry, but I prefer to clear any misunderstandings. And I will highlight something extremely important down below, besides apologising deeply for any misunderstanding. And this is the last time I will be talking about it

“there’s no issue with this, but she claims to be neutral and is currently explaining/advocating on the situation whilst adopting this stance.” I am neutral on the situation. I will eternally remain neutral because as we’ve seen, neither side is good.

As I’ve said before, Cal had little to do with all of this huge mess. From what I learned today, she already clarified and apologised about the situation. Cal was dragged through the mud by both of the groups out of nowhere, and she also fell for their shit so she was fooled by them just like lots of other people— she told me herself.

“This is bullshit, there’s no transparency” huh? what does that even mean,, I just… Literally don’t have any involvement at all? What can I say or do about it? Both groups of people were already on my blocklist since last year lmao.

“She has connection to the drama purely through this even as she apparently didn’t participate — allegedly.” I’m sorry but the allegedly part is killing me too. I wasn’t even on their Discord groups, nor talked to any of the people involved, explain why the word ‘allegedly’ was even added?

also, how the hell am I supposed to be connected to the drama if, as you said, I didn’t even participate in it, only because I’m mutuals with someone who was named in it? What kind of sense does that make?

As I stated above, I am, and always have been a neutral onlooker about the situation, who explained the situation to the confused people, even posting the links with the full info and proof to not spread incorrect information accidentally.

“Does @bucknastysbabe even know or care you’re slamming her on main and then love bombing her the next?” Cal knows about all your post, and all my answers to each ask regarding the situation.

She knows I hadn’t seen her apology/clarifying video until today. She even cheered me up when I had an anxiety attack after this person made this post, only to then delete it and deactivate the account. So, yes, she knows pretty much everything and she knows it was a mere mistake of mine.

Then, the person posted this. I will show the screenshots of what they said, and what answered ask they were referring to using their own SS.

(sorry if the screenshot pics are switched of their right places) I had no idea that was a direct quote from Cal’s apology video, because I OBVIOUSLY HADN’T SEEN IT. I don’t know how else to stress this, but I’m not chronically online, and neither I see everything my mutuals post.

Either way, I literally re-read my own response to check what I had answered, and this was terribly misunderstood. The only response I had about Cal’s statement was “why am I not surprised?”, and in the rest of my response, I tried to be as neutral as possible— in the rest of my response, I was referring to the general situation of the drama, and in fact I was mostly referring to the things Bel, Fae, Em and Ange said + did.

But nothing else, thats it, because I wanted to speak about the situation in general and I was referring to the group of people— I didn’t name names and neither I referenced Cal’s statement any further. I deeply apologise for the misunderstanding, but sometimes I explain myself awfully mostly because English isn’t my native language.

if this was considered with any possible ill intention at all, I offer once again my most sincere apologies. I never had any bad intention, and the only thing I’ve been doing was answer the asks of the people who came to my ask box inquiring about what had happened, try to offer comfort to those who felt disappointed and heartbroken, and in general just try to provide as much positivity as I could amidst the terrible situation.

Some believe I was trying to gain attention from the situation, and that I was stroking the flames of the drama. I at no cost even thought of ‘getting attention’ from it, or that I was actually getting attention, I simply answered the messages I was receiving to interact with my own followers— I mean, it didn’t feel good to leave them hanging.

I do have to take responsibility that perhaps my actions continued to keep the drama up, but again, I never had this intention, and I’m terribly sorry if that’s what my answers and interactions caused.

Please I do hope you guys understand my point of view, and that I never intended for any of this to be understood in the wrong manner. I have to admit that despite all the lovely people and fun moments I had/have in the fandom, it’s also responsible for worsening my condition the 90% of the times due to the unnecessary drama, and this situation today made me feel extremely bad physically as it automatically involved me in a situation I didn’t want to be involved in, nor have anything to do with it.

And that’s why, from now on, I won’t be answering any message related to the drama anymore to not keep mentioning the things that happened. As I said all the way above, we should currently be focusing only on the good, positive things of the fandom— and hopefully, we will all learn to not be rude or gossip about other people over mere fandoms, or fanfanfiction.

Then again, thank you for reading and understanding. If I expressed myself wrongly anywhere in here, please feel free to ask me about it and I will glady re-explain it. I hope this can clear everything, and please, I don’t want to be involved any further in anything.

[violetsiren90]

All I Haven't Said | Namjoon/Reader

💜 Chapter 3: Part 1 💜

Table of Contents: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3 (part 1), Chapter 3 (part 2)

Pairing: idol!Namjoon/f!Reader

Genre: Soulmate AU; idol AU; chapter fic; strangers to lovers; a bit of idiots to lovers, tbh; slow burn; eventual romance; eventual smut; angst (life is messy & hearts are complex); OT7 featured

Summary: You found your soulmate - or rather, he found you. Turns out he's an idol of much acclaim who needs you for very real and unglamorous reasons. What could become of two hearts so used to giving of themselves when they are confronted with needing each other?

Chapter Word Count: ~6k

Chapter Warnings: This fic is 18+, as is all my work and my page as a whole; Talk and depictions of cancer, its treatment, and the symptoms of both; implication of some disregard for personal agency by entertainment industry; character experience and description of disassociation; flashbacks of a distressing situation; soulmate skinship; cursing; conversations surrounding soulmates and sex; character experiences an emotional breakdown; light embarrassment; CONFLICT (you knew it was coming, right?), there is plenty of fluffy stuff too I PROMISE 😂😅

Author's Note: Wow. It's been a minute. If you're still reading this story, thank you for sticking with me, and I apologize for the stretch of time between updates. For the longest time, I just couldn't get this part right...and then it was far too long, so I split it up, and I'm still editing the second, and (potentially) third parts. I got several messages from readers who were worried I might have abandoned this fic, and let me assure you, far from it! I am not a speedy writer, and struggle with doubting if what I'm putting on the page is good enough, so sometimes it takes me a minute to update, but let me assure you, these characters are so special to me and so alive in me, and I ask thank you for your patience as I work to tell their story! Thank you for your lovely words of encouragement and feedback on the story - I appreciate each and every one of them!!

P.S. If you want to join the tag list, drop me a comment or ask!

P.P.S. If no one has told you yet today, you're loved and worthy of love! 🧜‍♀️💜

"I needed the light of your energy, I looked around, devouring hope."

~Pablo Neruda

Chapter 3: My Windows Ache

  "FUCKING FINALLY."

    "Hey, Di."

    "How dare you ghost me for the forty-eight most interesting hours of your life?!"

    "Well, I was low-key occupied..."

    "TELL ME EVERYTHING." 

     You sighed, settling down on a shaded bench in the garden grounds of the hospital to which you had escaped for a little privacy and an important phone call or two.

    "Uh oh. That was your 'things are complicated' sigh," Diana prodded.

    Your eyes tracked a swallowtail as it flitted from azalea to azalea.

    "Well, things certainly aren't conventional or straight-forward, that's for sure. But where's the fun in understanding the basic parameters of what you're getting yourself into on a life-altering scale, right?"

    "Ummmm...what does that mean? You met him, right?"

You could barely hear your sister's question over the crinkle of plastic in the background.

    "Yeah, I did. We bonded too."

    "Oh mah gah!!" Diana choked out amidst sounds of crunchy chewing. "So what's he like?"

    You thought for a moment.

    "He's kind and intelligent. Obviously extremely resilient. His presence is impressive, but he has something about him that's very disarming. He's kind of clumsy and at moments almost...shy? Like, I don't know what I expected, but there's this sweetness to him that you wouldn't anticipate from someone in his position."

    "As a cancer patient?"

    "As an idol."

    You sighed again.

    "I don't know...he's..."

    Diana let out a strangled sound and uttered an enthusiastic string of words you couldn't make out.

    "I have no idea what you just said. Could you please decide whether you want to talk to me or consume an entire bag of Doritos?" 

    "Hey, it's dinner time here!" she whined, "And I said," her voice quickly changed to take on a smug sing-song tone, "That last sigh was your smitten-kitten one..."

    "It was not!" you cut her off sharply. "And get every single idea of Namjoon and I as a couple out of that scheming head of yours because he's very much taken. I'm meeting his fiancée for lunch today."

    "What? He's engaged?"

Diana let out an exasperated huff.

"Why didn't they tell you about this right off the bat? You're going to be the soulmate of a married man? What does that even mean? This is bullshit."

    You had a hard time disagreeing with her there. It was, in fact, bullshit that Namjoon's team had kept his relationship status a secret. Would it have changed your decision? Probably not. This had been about saving Namjoon's life, not some bizarre attempt at matchmaking. But having a third person to consider, and so intimately, as part of the equation for the rest of your earthly life felt like something you should have been made more immediately aware of. Navigating your boundaries with your soulmate had already been complex enough without introducing the prospect of being a fixture in his married life. When Namjoon had breached the prospect of meeting her, he had been taken aback at your surprise - he, like you, had assumed that Hybe's representation had disclosed everything of significance.

    "So it's a good thing I came here as a lifeline, not a mail-order bride," you reminded your sister, "And that seems to be working, by the way. His vitals are already stable. They stabilized overnight, in fact. And his white blood cell count was way up this morning, which is good because I guess he was experiencing immunosuppression from the chemo."

    "Oh, nice," Diana murmured.

You had to remind yourself that she was young and excitable, and not to be annoyed at the disappointment that he crept into her tone. However, never one to be down for long, her voice brought its usual bright mischief through the speaker as she posed her following question.

    "By the way...how was bonding?"

    She had said it with an inescapably salacious undertone, which is why, you told yourself, heat had begun to creep up the base of your neck. You stammered, switching the phone from one ear to the other as you bought yourself time to reassemble your decorum. 

    "Ah...I mean...it was...intense?"

    "Ooooohhhh," Diana trilled, only making you more uncomfortable as the heat spread from your neck to your cheeks, "Intense, huh? Like in a good way?"

     You squirmed uncomfortably where you sat, thoughts of Namjoon's pleasure-stricken face and the strength of his hand and how his skin felt against your own hitting your hippocampus like a flash flood.

    "Y/n?"

    "It was fine, okay? And it worked - so that's what's important."

    "....Okaaay..." Diana drawled skeptically.

You scrambled for another talking point.

    "That kid visited. The one who came to the States - Jungkook. And another one of the members too - Jim...Jimin? I'm still trying to get their names straight. Some of them don't go by their actual names on stage - Namjoon is RM...but you knew that. Anyway, I digress. Both the boys were really sweet. Seems like they're all very close. I'm supposed to meet the rest of the members at some point next week at dinner. They wanted to have a sort of 'last supper' for us since we're probably going to start rejecting food soon."

    "That's cool, you get to meet the whole team! Oh my gosh, you're just going to casually have dinner with BTS...this is still so unreal!"

    "Yep," you affirmed, a smile tugging at the corner of your mouth.

Namjoon had hit you with a couple of whoppers last night, but this was one you were actually looking forward to. You told Diana all about your first two days in Seoul - about the impressive hospital and its kind staff. About meeting Namjoon, and his condition. About how everything was still so fresh and new. About how so many things were still unsettled, so many questions unanswered.

    "So are you nervous?"

    "About what?"

    "Meeting his girlfriend."

    You had been so wrapped up in filling Diana in on it all that you had actually forgotten about the impending lunch date. As you pulled the phone away from your ear to check the time, your stomach lurched. 

    "Shit, I better get going. It's almost eleven-thirty." You sprang up and started quickly back toward the building.

    "That wasn't an answer," Diana scoffed, "But, hey, sis?"

    "Yeah?" You pressed the "up" button on the elevator.

    "Don't be."

    You smiled.

    "Love you, Di."

    "Love you too. And so does anyone worth a damn."

    After deciding that you smelled like outside, you showered quickly then slipped into caramel-colored corduroys and an off-white tee. You rummaged around the small suitcase Matt had brought from the hotel for you in search of a sweater. After several exasperating minutes of unsuccessful digging, you heaved the bag of laundered clothes that had been returned to you by the hospital staff this morning, having gone through much of the what the Hybe staff had initially pilfered from your luggage in the last two days.

You grumbled in relief as you pulled out your dark green cardigan and slipped it over your shoulders, wondering what the hell the hospital laundry services had done to stretch it out so badly. But, you didn't have time to fuss - so you bunched up the sleeves and headed to the opposite end of the hospital's outdoor grounds where you suspected Namjoon and his guest were already waiting. 

    The hospital grounds were extensive and beautiful, sporting a garden that extended from the western wing, and a lawn punctuated by traditional pavilions to the east. He had pointed out the one he had reserved to you last night - tucked away in the shade of the large gingko trees flanking the little man-made stream that delineated the border of the grounds.

As you made your way toward the shady spot you chided yourself for being so uneasy - everyone surrounding your soulmate had been as lovely and warm and welcoming as he had been, and the woman he loved would likely be no exception. After Namjoon had disclosed that she was a musician like he was, you had done a bit of online recon before going to bed that night.

Her given name was Kim Hyung-seo, but her stage name, by which she was well-known, was Bibi. She was four years Namjoon's junior, but seemed nearly as ambitious. From what you could tell, she seemed to share a similar drive for artistry and honesty in her musical process as her future husband, and though her tendency for loose-canon candidness had landed her in hot water more than once, her earnest sincerity had engendered her to the hearts of her peers and fans alike. In an industry that seemed to often censor and restrict women, Hyung-seo didn't seem to give much credence to the rules. You liked that. You were actually kind of excited to get to know her a bit and ask her about her art - you had always been a woman's woman, and being in the company of strong feminine energy was something you found deeply empowering and grounding. You anticipated that your soulmate's girlfriend was someone you could respect, and you allowed yourself to venture to hope that feeling would be mutual.

    You trotted up the steps of the pavilion and took in its contents. The center had been fitted with a low, round table bearing a colorful and mouthwatering spread of gogi, bibim guksu, gimbap, and banchan. Cushions had been placed on the floor for seating, but none bore the lunch companions you had been anxious not to keep waiting. You were about to take your place at the table when a figure moving near the creek caught your eye.

You moved to the far side of the structure, to see your soulmate deeply engaged in conversation...with a duck.

He was standing near the edge of the water, his tall figure clad in silky modern navy blue hanbok. The top was untied and hung loosely over a white tee - the only contrast to the deep muted tone apart from his cognac loafers. He wore a dark beanie pulled low on his head, which was bowed in affectionate greeting to a juvenile Gadwall who had paddled away from his family to sample the little bits of starchy fluff that the stranger had sprinkled onto the water.

You pressed your palms against the painted wood, taking him in with a smile as he crouched down, extending a bit of bread between his fingers slowly toward the curious little water foul.

This man, you were learning - this erstwhile underground rapper, this leader of men, this brilliant intellectual and genius artist - this great, powerful, impressive man could be called out of his poise in an instant by the sweet and tiny things of the world.

You watched as he waited patiently, the little duck swimming in to-and-fro circuits and drawing closer and closer to Namjoon with each pass, until finally it was close enough to snatch its prize from him and scuttle off quickly to rejoin its mother and siblings. Namjoon chuckled, smiling fondly as he watched the duck make his way back down the creek.

This man, you thought to yourself, could not possibly be real.

    "So you're a Kpop idol and a Disney princess, huh?" you called, causing Namjoon to startle and rock back on his heels, landing on his posterior in the damp grass.

    You slapped a hand over your mouth to repress the laughter that threatened to bubble up at the site of his large well-dressed figure tipped back haphazardly on the creekside. He huffed a sheepish laugh as he stood, swiping at the back of his pants.

    "Give a person a little warning?" he chided lightly, approaching you where you leaned on the railing.

    "Sorry," you chuckled, "I didn't want to scare your little friend."

    "So you settled for scaring your soulmate? I see how it is." 

    You smiled and ducked your head.

    "Sorry," you murmured, flicking your gaze back to his.

He looked up at you, fixing you with his warm brown eyes and bringing his hands to grip the railing on either side of yours. Suddenly, you felt shy. You shook yourself.

    "Hey, hang out with the ducks and you'll end up with a wet tail," you teased.

Namjoon's eyebrows drew together in mock disgust.

    "Yikes, you're almost as bad as Seokjin hyung," he remarked disparagingly.

    You shrugged, smirking.

    "I have no idea what that means, but whoever Seokjin is, he must have a superior sense of humor."

Namjoon was opening his mouth to respond, but was cut short, as the tiny motion of your shoulders had slid one of your hands just a centimeter down the railing and barely flush with his own. The slight contact was enough to send sudden little tingles of comfort shooting up your arm and across your chest. In a millisecond you felt yourself relax where you hadn't realized you were tense. You could have imagined it, but you thought you felt Namjoon press his hand just a fraction more into yours as he swallowed and heaved a deep sigh.

You reminded yourself for the hundredth time since you arrived that this was biological. Clinical. The means to an end. Damn, he felt good though.

You found yourself snatching your hands away to push up your cardigan sleeves and then stuff them into your pants pockets where they would stop confusing you. You distracted yourself from Namjoon's subtle look of disappointment with an apology.

    "Sorry about your pants," you rocked back on your heels as you looked out over the little ribbon of water rippling over its stony bed behind him.

He glanced over his shoulder and brushed himself off again before waving a hand in dismissal. Your eyes focused back on the blue silk.

"I didn't realize this was a fancy lunch. I feel under-dressed."

    "You look nice," Namjoon rebutted, as he glanced over your attire. Then his brow pinched as his eyes halted on your torso, flitting over your arms and shoulders. "But isn't that -"

    "Joon?"

A voice behind you caused you to turn.

Standing at the top of the steps was the woman it belonged to. She was tall and beautifully slender - her svelte figure draped in a slinky chrome dress with a triangular cutout that displayed the smooth skin of her upper abdomen. Her glossy raven tresses were styled away from her face in a high ponytail, drawing sharp attention to her sultry features. Her smoky eyes glanced over your form with a lazy intensity, lids half-raised over dark irises, and her pouted lips pursed in appraisal. You wondered just exactly how many ridiculously beautiful people traveled in Namjoon's circle.

She stepped toward you, her chunky pink heels marking her confident strides on the floorboards, before bowing and extending a small hand with sharp white acrylics and icy sliver rings.

    "I'm the girlfriend!" she hummed, her deep, velvety voice matching her features.

    You bowed in return before shaking her hand politely.

    "So nice to meet you," you smiled, "I'm -

    "The soulmate," she cut you off, glancing over your shoulder at Namjoon, who still stood outside the pavilion, "of that weirdo." '

Namjoon circled around to the entrance of the pavilion before joining you with a wry smile. He introduced the two of you formally, before being the first to take a seat at the table. Hyung-seo joined him, shimmying her cushion closer to Namjoon's as she used a pair of chopsticks to load her plate with selections from the spread. 

    "Oh my god, I'm STARVING," she gushed, staring at Namjoon impatiently as he took a bit of kimchi fried rice and a few slices of samgyeobsal.

    "My stomach feels like it could take some real food for the first time in a while," he said with eager enthusiasm, glancing up at you with a smile of gratitude. 

    Hyung-seo tapped her chopsticks against her plate as she watched you survey the dishes before you. You took some kimchi fried rice and carefully ladled out a small bowl of doenjang-jjigae. You pulled your hands into your lap and watched the steam rise from the fragrant broth.

    "Ah, unnie..." Hyung-seo began before Namjoon shushed her and lightly tapped her knee.

You glanced between them in confusion. Namjoon merely smiled at you, and you smiled back, glancing down from his warm gaze to your plate.

    "Oh for the love of god, would you take a bite?"

    You looked up rather startled at Hyung-seo, who was leaned forward, her desperate eyes tracking your movements, and the chopsticks clutched in her right hand hovering over a plump, sweating mandu.

You blinked, fumbling for your chopsticks as your soulmate admonished the woman next to him. You took a heap of fried rice onto your chopsticks and brought it to your lips, looking questioningly between the two across from you. Hyung-seo groaned in impatience, her head lolling back.   

    "In Korea, the eldest eats first," Namjoon offered in soft explanation, his features trained in apology.

    As realization washed over you, you all but shoved the rice into your mouth, hoping to swallow your embarrassment with it, followed quickly by Hyung-seo, who popped two mandu into her mouth consecutively. Her eyes rolled back as she let out a groan of appreciation. You watched Namjoon carefully savor a piece of samgyeobsal. He smiled a dimpled smile. You smiled to yourself as you tucked into your fried rice. Namjoon's fiancée watched you both. Her cheeks were full, but she wasn't smiling.

Your little trio ate in contented silence until your visitor, having satisfied her belly, fixed her eyes on you with a different sort of eagerness. The time for questions had come, you realized. You set down your chopsticks, taking a drink of water.

    "I'm sure there is so much we'd like to know about each other," you offered with a smile.

    She pulled her lips into a brief grin, sipping from her own glass as her eyes trailed over you. You cleared your throat.

    "So, I read that y-"

    "How does it feel?" she interrupted, starring at you raptly. You blinked.

    "I'm sorry?"

    "When he touches you." She licked her lips. "I heard it's like cumming. I heard it's better."

Namjoon slid a large hand over her thigh. You saw it squeeze.

    "Jagiya..." he murmured.

    You glanced at him and gave him a reassuring grin which he returned, though not as readily as before. Not the start to the conversation you had hoped for, but she was living up to her brusque reputation. You let yourself laugh a little at the question, and saw Hyung-seo's mouth curl up a bit at the corners, though it didn't reach her eyes.

    "It's nothing like sex, actually," you mused, trying to be as forthcoming as possible without abandoning politeness. "Strange, I guess, because it is all about physical exchange and contact. But...it's more like...nourishment? I don't know...I haven't had long enough to think about it."

You had had quite long enough to know that it was ineffable, but in the most intoxicating, magnificent way - and a hell of a lot better than most of the sex you'd had. This, however, wasn't the time and place for descriptions of the bond that could be ripped from the pages of drugstore romance novels.

    You found yourself turning to Namjoon with a questioning gaze, as if to ask if he had anything to add. He nodded in response, not meeting your eyes.

    "Yeah, it's different," he murmured succinctly.  

    Hyung-seo hummed in assent, chewing on her lip, her gaze still roving over you. You decided to try again.

    "So how did you m-"

    "How do you do it?"

    You stifled a small sigh that threatened to escape your lips.

    "Do what?"

    "Use the bond. Like, do you hold hands, or...or what?"

    You looked to Namjoon who murmured something in Korean that sounded like a warning. This wasn't going as you'd hoped. Her questions were natural ones, but not the first you thought you'd be asked, and not so pointedly. In fact, they were ones she should probably have put to her partner. Had they not spoken since you arrived?

    "The bond works with any physical contact. When I first got here, I had so many questions myself. The hospital personnel were very informative while helping us navigate our questions. I still know very little, but as someone whose partner is bonded, I'm sure they would have someone who could better answer these types of questions than I can," you offered.

It was the opposite of forthcoming, but you were absolutely not prepared to launch into a conversation about you and her fiancé spooning in your undergarments. The trajectory of the exchange had to go elsewhere, so you resolved to take the wheel.

    "Is there anything you'd like to know about me? Maybe I could tell you a little about myself. My job in the states wasn't glamorous, but I loved it. I was -"

    "A social worker, I know," she murmured with a sigh, and Namjoon's head snapped toward her.     

You could feel your confusion pulling into a frown. In your beat of silence, the woman in front of you gave into another impulse as she placidly launched into an answer of your unasked question.

    "You're a social worker from the West coast, oldest of three kids. Your father died when you were ten. You graduated summa cum laude, and chose a career in women's services. You support your mother's living - you have been, long-term. Your brother is an engineer and your sister is in nursing school. You've never committed any crimes, but you were arrested once in college at some political protest about immigrant rights. Your blood type is O positive. You don't seem very good with your money, but you've never asked for financial assistance. You've never been married." 

    Silence.

    Your ears were ringing.

    You blinked as you tried to focus, grappling for something on which to stabilize your composure. This isn't how this was supposed to go. You felt your control slipping as the words pierced you in echoes that knocked you back down each time you reached out to steady your mind. 

    "Your father died when you were young..."

    "...You support your mother's living..."

    "...You don't seem very good with your money"

    Your mind whirred as the silence closed in, and for a moment you were suspended.

        Diana and Henry weren't pillars, you thought - they were tiny little babies as your mother clutched them on either side of her prone, shaking form as shovels of dirt were shifted back into the gaping hole that held a pine box covered in flowers. You looked down at the flag in your hands, and then up at the white flowers, still fresh and blooming, being caked and sodden with damp soil. You felt something rising up in your chest - something that never reached the surface. You turned from the wound in the earth as Dianna reached out and tugged at your arm. The babies looked afraid. You couldn't see your mother's face from where it was buried in her skirts. You tucked the flag reverently under your arm and took the little hands.

    Somewhere outside the amniotic sack of your mind, you saw Namjoon's figure stand. You heard his garbled voice speak to the woman beside him. He was angry, his voice pitched low. Hers in response was sharp and high.

    You took a deep breath and exhaled. Your chest was beginning to labor and your inhaler was on the fifth floor of a building on the other side of the property.

You willed yourself back into this world you had chosen. This place which, like the others you had inhabited, would discover its new tenant didn't take long to adapt. She was built to withstand.

    "Namjoon," you called softly, as you looked up at your soulmate. His eyes snapped to yours, his face showing subtle but unmistakable signs of distress - eyes reflecting remorsefully and jaw flexing.

You smiled at him gently, reassuringly.

    "It's alright," you insisted, your eyes not leaving his.

You saw his shoulders sag, and his head bow. His hand came up to scrub over his face. You realized then that she was looking at you. Hyung-seo's expression was apprehensive, her eyes scouring your face.

    "This must be an extremely difficult thing for you, whatever the reason," you offered earnestly.

    She regarded you in silence, her eyes flickering like the flame of a candle.

    "I would say, 'I understand', but I don't. I have no idea how hard it must be to fall in love with someone only to watch them suffer at the hands of disease, and to suffer so greatly and to come so close to losing them that you turn to finding a person who can save them, and who - if they are saved by - they will need and desire for the rest of their natural life. A person who isn't you." 

    Her eyes quivered as they held you in their gaze.

    "I know I'm supposed to be a saving grace," you continued, having gained your ground, "But I know I could also look a lot like a threat. Trust me when I say that you can be open and honest with me about how you feel. This is a difficult situation where we're going to feel burdened by things we shouldn't. Namjoon and I discussed this."

    You smiled again at your soulmate, who was watching you with relief and something else in his features. You wanted to call it admiration, but you had only known him for two whole days.

    "Whatever fears you're carrying that make you feel like a burden in this moment, could I ask you to set them aside? For a chance to get to know me in the real way that you deserve? This isn't a trap. Or a cage. We've all chosen to be here."

    You regarded Hyung-seo in the silence that followed. Her eyes had fallen from your face - they glanced over toward where Namjoon stood, barely raising toward his figure, when she suddenly dropped her face into her hands and began shaking with sobs.

    You let out a sigh of relief too soft to be heard by the others.

    "Fuck...." Hyung-seo choked out against her palms, "I'm such a piece of shit..."

    Namjoon moved to place a hand over her back and assure her she wasn't. You wondered what she felt when he touched her. Your heart ached with pity for her. Namjoon drew her into his chest and held her as she cried her makeup off. He stroked her hair as her regarded her with weary, worried eyes. You couldn't help but feel that you were encroaching on a private moment...expect that you were a part of this as much as they were. Was there a lifetime of this feeling to be endured? You sighed again.

    "I'm gonna give you guys a minute," you whispered as you clambered to your feet.

    Namjoon nodded silently over the woman in his arms. 

    You watched scattered leaves from the boughs overhanging the far side of the stream spin as the were swept away. Your eyes tracked one in particular, twirling as it sailed around a protruding rock and under an arching root, only to be stopped as it was doubled at the middle by a thin, swaying reed. You found your feet moving to where the water rushed around it as it billowed helplessly on both sides of its obstruction like a flag of surrender. You slipped off your shoes and rolled up your pants. You waded into the cool, clear water and, reaching out, tugged the little leaf free. You watched as it sailed on, disappearing around a bend in the waterway. You glanced back up at the pavilion. If you could have been sure it was the right move, you would have left altogether, but you wouldn't want your sudden departure to be taken the wrong way.

    You sighed. You pulled your phone out of your back pocket as you waded back out of the stream. Dead. You were bad about keeping it charged, and your conversation with Diana had drained its aged battery. You wished you had a book. Glancing about, your eyes caught a fairly large patch of clover flowers a few yards down the bank, and crossing the soft grass, you sank down in its center.

You smiled weakly to yourself as you plucked one of the little white buds near the base of its stem. You and your siblings would spend hours at the park under the shade turning sprawling patches of the puffy blooms into garlands, crowns, bracelets, and rings. You picked another flower and tied its supple stem into a knot just under the other flower's head. 

    By the time Namjoon came to join you, sinking down across from you in little clover patch you had fashioned yourself a crown and a necklace, and were working on a garland to send to Diana. You set down your handiwork to look up at him. He was regarding you with soft, somber eyes and a little smile that looked like one he didn't have the energy for but couldn't help besides. He picked a flower and twirled it between his fingers.

    "I'm so sorry," he murmured, "If I would have thought that things would go that way, I wouldn't have insisted on her meeting you before she left. She's going on tour and I thought...well, I thought if she just met you her anxieties would be eased."

    You nodded thoughtfully.

    "Thank you for your patience and kindness. She was out of line saying those things to you like that...you were...that was everything she needed to hear, I think."

    You cast your eyes down as you tied off another knot in the garland.

    "Is she okay?" you asked quietly.

    Namjoon sighed.

    "She's...embarrassed. Ashamed of herself. She wasn't in any condition to finish that conversation, so I suggested she go home."

    "Understandable," you assented, nodding again.

    Silence hung between you for a moment before you raised your eyes to his again.

    "Namjoon...there are some things I think we should discuss."

    He nodded earnestly, his eyes falling, brow creasing and tongue pressing into his cheek.

    "I know we haven't had much time," you continued, "And we have literally the rest of our lives...but, I think we should be on the same page about what we've been told about each other. I think it will make this whole process easier? I don't know. There are some things you assume you'll have to tell someone at a certain point in knowing them - some things that are...deeply personal..."

    "Aren't things between us already that way? Deeply personal?"

    You looked up and those half-lidded brown eyes were looking right at you in a way you weren't prepared for, in a way that flooded your veins. Soulmate. You wanted to touch him. You wanted to feel him and what he brought to you. You wanted him to feel it too. But you didn't know him, and he didn't know you, and he needed healing, which is why you were here. He loved someone who loved him whose lives you were disrupting. This feeling was basal, you knew - came with the territory...but you were going to need some strong boundaries if this was going to function. You were going to need honesty, for a start.

   "They are," you relented slowly, "But I have questions that I need answers to. Your trust in me is clear, and I appreciate that...but...I need time to get my footing here."

    Namjoon nodded in assent.

    "I get that. So, what do you want to know, specifically? I'll answer any question you have."

    You nodded gratefully.

    "Thank you. Do you think I could take a little time to think about what I want to ask? I'm kind of still processing everything that just happened."

    "Of course," he was quick to answer, "Whenever you want to talk, just let me know. Did I say how sorry I am?" he asked smiling weakly as he looked up from where he struggled to knot the stem of one flower around another, suddenly looking down again when its stem snapped between his fingers.

    You huffed out a little laugh.

    "Yes, you did," you did, you answered, offering him a rueful grin.

    He picked another flower only to realize he had cut its stem too short for his purposes. He tossed the little blossoms back into the grass.

    "Can you make me one?" he asked pathetically, pouting at the garland in your hands.

    You chuckled as you tied off the one in your lap and leaned forward to slip it over his head. He adjusted it around his neck, looking down at it with a pleased expression.

    "You know...if you can believe it, we actually got lucky in there," he smirked, his forehead creasing as he raised his brow.

    You gave him a look of confusion. His eyes trailed over your torso again before flitting back up to yours.

    "She didn't notice that you're wearing my sweater."

    You froze. Then you blinked down at the giant green cardigan that had, in fact, slipped down off of one shoulder. Then you gaped at him.

    He snickered.

    You scrambled to yank the sweater over your head, even as he laughed and protested, you blustered apology after expletive after apology.

    "Shit, it was in my laundry bag!" You whined in explanation as you shook it out and began to fold it in your lap.

    "Stop, just keep it on," Namjoon insisted, still clearly amused at your state of panic.

    "I have one just like this. Like, identical but obviously smaller. I just assumed it had stretched out in the wash..." You extended the sweater toward him.

    He shook his head.

    "Just give it back later, you'll be cold." He looked up at your exasperated expression and started laughing again.

    "Stooop..." you whined in embarrassment, and when he only laughed harder, you tossed the sweater in his face. As he balled it up with a smile where it fell down into his lap, his smart watch trilled. He glanced down at it.

    "I've got labs scheduled now," he sighed.

    "Hopefully they'll bring more good news," you offered, at which he nodded. "I seem to be getting the job done, if I do say so myself," you teased, leaning back on your hands and offering him a smug look.

He nodded, tongue in his cheek, then pushed to stand - with effort, you noticed - and extended a hand down to you. You didn't realize what the little smile on his mouth was for until you accepted his hand with your own, by habit, and were nearly knocked back off your feet as the bond surged through you like a wave of mind-numbing euphoria that left you unable to process information outside of what was sent coursing through your every cell from where he touched you.

    You blinked up at him as you got your wits about you, and he was looking down at you through little slits in his barely-open eyes, head tilted back and mouth hanging open - little smirk still tugging at its corner. You pursed your lips, trying not to grin back.

    "You did that on purpose," you chided, trying and failing to train your features in a scowl.

    His smirk deepened.

    "What? I was just being courteous..."

    You rolled your eyes.

    "I'm feeling a little weak, I think it would be best if you helped me back to the room," he muttered slyly, turning to head back toward the building.

The smile that was dimpling his cheek and creasing the corners of his eyes did something to your stomach that had you yanking your hand out of his grasp.

    "Yeah, right," you huffed, forging a few steps ahead of him, "You're putting a lot by your poorly reputed coordination to think you could walk while I was touching you." 

    He let out a laugh behind you. It was loud and bright and had you biting back a smile to match it.

    "What happened to getting the job done, sweater thief?" he called after you teasingly.

    Shit. Yeah. Boundaries. You were going to need them.

_________________________________________________

Well, they met! Next part to follow soon.

Thank you for sticking with me here!

Tag list: @butterymin @little-dark-empress @aretha170 @kamilamb @jlee97 @thephotoend @callmenoona25 @felicityroth @softforyoongles @berlianv @honneypies @deadrose287 @n0pesir

[creamco]

—situationships in queer relationships ᝰ.ᐟ

dating is already a mess, but queer dating? a whole new level of confusion. and that’s where situationships come in. basically, it’s like you’re kind of together, but also... not really. no labels, no clear direction, just vibezzzz (and maybe some unresolved emotional tension lol)

queer people deal with situationships a lot. sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it’s a trauma response, and sometimes it’s just the reality of modern dating. but before we dive into why this happens, let’s break down how situationships show up in different types of queer relationships.

note: i will not be talking about all queer types. just a few chosen ones, so that everybody can understand what i am talking about more or less.

╭┉┈ what are we?

gay situationships (mlm, gay men, bi/pan men, etc.)

commitment issues? check.

emotional vulnerability? no thanks.

hookup culture taking over? absolutely.

the gay dating scene is wild. a lot of it is built around casual connections— grindr, tinder, and the whole "no strings attached" mindset. some people are genuinely chill with that, but for others, it turns into a cycle of emotional detachment. they want something real, but they’re scared to admit it. situationship unlocked.

lesbian situationships (wlw, sapphic, bi/pan women, etc.)

is this a relationship or just extreme emotional closeness?

we’ve been "talking" for six months, should i say something?

overthinking every single text message.

wlw dynamics are weird because they can go from zero to moving in together fast. but when they don’t? it’s just months of deep emotional bonding with zero clarity. both people keep waiting for the other to define the relationship, and before you know it, you’re stuck in a "do we like each other or are we just best friends who hold hands and make out?" loop.

trans women + cishet men situationships

"i really like you, but i’m not ready to go public."

secret relationships & low-effort commitment.

fetishization vs. actual respect.

shemale assumption.

this one is rough. a lot of cishet men who date trans women aren’t actually ready to date trans women. they like the idea, but they’re scared of what people will think, so they keep it lowkey. sometimes it’s just internalized transphobia, sometimes it’s straight-up cowardice. either way, it leaves trans women stuck in situationships where they’re never treated like a real partner.

non-binary + genderqueer situationships

"i don’t believe in labels" (until it’s convenient).

people acting confused about attraction instead of just vibing.

getting misgendered in a relationship that isn’t even a relationship.

non-binary dating is weird because people either hyper-fixate on your gender identity or pretend it doesn’t exist. situationships happen a lot because partners don’t know how to navigate attraction outside the gender binary, so they just... avoid defining anything at all.

╭┉┈ why do situationships even happen in queer relationships?

fear of commitment (but make it ✨queer trauma✨)

rejection? abandonment? never feeling truly wanted? does these sound familiar :)

a lot of queer people grow up without healthy relationship role models.

choosing emotional safety over vulnerability.

bad communication (or just straight-up avoidance)

"we don’t need labels" = "i don’t want to talk about what this actually is."

waiting for the other person to bring it up.

assuming the other person wants the same thing without asking.

exploration & self-discovery

queer people often use situationships to figure out their sexuality/gender.

sometimes you don’t even know what you want yet, so defining it feels impossible.

personally talking, i'm kinda ok with this one if it's said before the situationship starts.

social stigma & external pressure

some people keep things casual because they’re scared of being outed.

others don’t want to deal with society’s expectations of what their relationship should look like.

so, what’s the impact of all this?

anxiety and emotional exhaustion from never knowing where you stand.

reinforcing a culture of non-commitment in queer spaces.

for some, it’s empowering. for others, it’s just sad.

the truth is, situationships aren’t inherently bad. they can be a way to explore relationships without pressure. but when they’re built on avoidance, miscommunication, or fear? that’s when it gets toxic. queer people deserve relationships that feel safe, stable, and fulfilling whether they come with a label or not.

╭┉┈ types of queer situationships & the unique struggles they bring

so let’s break down the different types of queer situationships, because every community has its own unique spin on these emotionally messy scenarios. and trust me, each one has its own flavor of confusion.

gay situationships (mlm, gay men, bi/pan men, etc.)

commitment? nah, let’s keep it casual.

emotions? uh, maybe later.

hookup culture taking over? you know it.

gay dating is tricky. like, on one hand, hookup culture is all about instant gratification, so it’s easy to fall into a situationship where no one is really sure what’s going on. maybe you’ve been texting, maybe you’ve hooked up a few times, but does that mean you’re together? well... not exactly.

fear of emotional vulnerability is huge here. a lot of gay men (and bi/pan men too) are scared to open up because they've been hurt before. maybe they've had bad experiences with rejection or discrimination, so instead of risking heartbreak, they keep things chill and avoid anything that resembles a real relationship.

toxic masculinity plays a role too. like, there's this idea that being too emotional or vulnerable makes you “weak” or less of a man. so, even if there’s a real connection, it stays unsaid or undefined.

grindr and dating apps don’t help. apps make everything seem like it’s either a hookup or nothing at all, which keeps everyone in the non-committal zone.

lesbian situationships (wlw, sapphic, bi/pan women, etc.)

"are we dating or just really close friends?"

"i’m emotionally invested, but do i even want to define this?"

"okay, so when do we become official?"

now, wlw situationships are a whole vibe. lesbians (and bi/pan women) have a unique problem: everything can get really intense emotionally, really fast. you’re spending hours texting, hanging out, sharing intimate details of your life, but then… is it a relationship? and if you don’t call it that, what are you even doing?

the "U-Haul" stereotype is a real thing, but not in the way people think. (U-Haul is a stereotype in lesbians which is about lesbians going from "hi, what's your name?" to "let's move in, get married and adopt a cat!") it’s not always about moving in right away, but it’s about how quickly emotions can get tangled, even if the commitment isn’t there yet. so when emotions are high and clarity is low, that’s prime situationship territory.

miscommunication is often the culprit. someone wants to make it official, but they’re scared to rock the boat, so they don’t say anything. meanwhile, the other person might be waiting for an official "let’s be a thing" moment and is too afraid to ask.

there’s also this fear of labeling—being queer, especially in spaces that aren’t always supportive, means avoiding labels that feel too limiting. but sometimes, that avoidance just creates more tension.

trans women + cishet men situationships

"i’m into you, but i’m not ready for everyone to know."

"i’m attracted to you, but am i allowed to love you publicly?"

"is this just a phase, or is it real?"

this one’s messy for a lot of reasons. cishet men dating trans women can face a ton of internalized issues, ranging from fetishization to shame. trans women often get stuck in situationships where they’re not treated like actual partners— just a "forbidden" attraction.

cis-het men who date trans women may not be ready to go public with it. they might worry about how society or their friends will react, especially if they’re not comfortable with their attraction to trans women.

fetishization is a huge issue here. trans women might get seen as "exotic" or a "novelty" rather than a partner, and that’s damaging. when this is the case, situationships become more about exploring an idea of a trans woman than respecting her as a real person. shemale? get a life.

transphobia also plays a huge role. many cishet men are in situationships because they don’t know how to process the relationship without internalized transphobia, and they might hide their dating life to avoid confrontation.

non-binary + genderqueer situationships

"wait, so what are we?"

"i’m not sure how to label this, so i’m not going to label it at all."

"how do we navigate this attraction without enforcing gender norms?"

non-binary and genderqueer people face a unique set of challenges in dating. dating outside the binary means avoiding labels, which can be freeing, but also confusing when it comes to navigating relationships.

many partners are unsure how to navigate attraction to non-binary folks because they’re not working with a clear gender binary. this can lead to a lot of unclear expectations.

misgendering is common—sometimes, people will call their non-binary partner by the wrong pronouns without thinking or because they don’t know better. and when a non-binary person is in a situationship, it’s harder to set boundaries or communicate feelings without feeling misunderstood.

situationships happen when the other person can’t move beyond their own confusion or limited understanding of gender. it’s easier to not define things than to face the discomfort of breaking out of the traditional relationship structure.

queerplatonic situationships (friends-to-lovers ambiguity, etc.)

"we’re super close, but am i actually in love with you?"

"i love you, but do i love you that way?"

"can we be queerplatonic partners and not define it as romantic?"

this one’s for all the queerplatonic relationships out there. these relationships are often intense, emotional, and deep—but they don’t always follow the usual romantic or friendship lines.

friends-to-lovers situationships are very real, and sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re just really close friends or actually developing romantic feelings.

aro/ace spectrum dynamics can make things even more complicated because some people don’t experience attraction in the same way. when someone’s relationship doesn’t fit the traditional romantic mold, they’re left to figure out how to label it—or if they even need to.

emotional intimacy can be just as strong, if not stronger, than sexual attraction, leading to long-term situationships where no one feels the need to define the relationship beyond the emotional connection.

this is just a glimpse of how situationships show up across different queer relationships. each one has its own set of struggles, but they all have one thing in common— confusion and lack of clarity.

╭┉┈ why do queer situationships even happen?

let’s get into why situationships happen in the first place. like, why do so many queer people end up in these undefined, emotionally draining, sometimes fun-but-mostly-confusing relationships? well, it’s not just "modern dating culture." it runs way deeper than that.

commitment issues feat. queer trauma

rejection. abandonment. never feeling truly wanted.

growing up without healthy relationship models makes commitment terrifying.

emotional detachment becomes a defense mechanism.

so many queer people grew up in environments where love was conditional—or where they weren’t even allowed to explore love freely. if you’ve spent your whole life being told your identity is wrong or that you’ll never find a "real" partner, of course you’re gonna have issues with commitment.

fear of rejection is a huge factor. after years of being told "this isn’t real love" or "you’re just confused," it’s easy to internalize the idea that any relationship you form is temporary or unstable.

abandonment issues are real. a lot of queer people have been ghosted, cut off by family, or left behind by people who couldn’t "handle" their queerness. so, what do they do? they avoid deep emotional investment to protect themselves.

attachment styles come into play too. many queer people develop avoidant attachment, where they crave connection but push people away before they can be hurt. others fall into anxious attachment, where they latch onto someone who isn’t fully available, hoping they’ll finally be chosen.

bad communication (or straight-up avoidance)

"we don’t need labels" = "i don’t want to talk about what this actually is."

waiting for the other person to bring it up (spoiler: they won’t).

assuming the other person wants the same thing without asking.

queer dating can be messy because no one wants to be the one to define things.

a lot of people think avoiding labels = avoiding problems, but in reality, it just creates more problems.

there’s also this unspoken pressure in queer spaces to be super chill and low-maintenance—so bringing up "what are we?" feels like breaking some kind of sacred rule.

some people assume that because they vibe, they must be on the same page. but just because someone acts like your partner doesn’t mean they see themselves as one.

pro tip: if you don’t communicate, you’re not in a situationship— you’re just in a mess.

exploration & self-discovery (aka "am i actually into this person or am i just figuring myself out?")

sometimes, situationships happen because people are still figuring out their identity.

attraction can be confusing, and experimenting without commitment feels safer.

internalized homophobia or transphobia can make people hesitant to claim a relationship.

for a lot of queer people, dating = self-discovery.

maybe someone just came out and isn’t sure what they really want yet. so they end up in a situationship, using it as a low-pressure way to explore attraction.

some people think they want a situationship, but they’re actually just scared to admit they want something serious.

internalized homophobia or transphobia can also play a role. if someone has spent years suppressing their feelings, they might not know how to embrace a real relationship, so they keep things casual to protect themselves from judgment.

social stigma & being out

some people keep things casual because they’re scared of being outed.

relationships that don’t fit the "heteronormative mold" get questioned more.

certain queer identities aren’t always taken seriously in relationships.

not every queer person wants a situationship— sometimes, society forces them into one.

people who aren’t fully out might avoid defining a relationship to avoid drawing attention.

trans and non-binary people face extra scrutiny, so their partners might hesitate to acknowledge the relationship openly.

bisexual and pansexual people often get hit with "you’re just confused," which makes some partners hesitant to fully commit.

basically, the world still has a long way to go in respecting queer relationships, and that pressure seeps into how people date.

the hookup culture dilemma (i hate this one)

dating apps make it way too easy to keep things surface-level.

the fear of "settling" keeps people from committing.

ghosting and low-effort dating are normalized.

hookup culture isn’t inherently bad, but let’s be real—it feeds into situationships.

there’s always this feeling of "someone better might be out there," so people hesitate to commit.

casual relationships can be great, but when people start catching feelings and pretending they haven’t, things get messy.

ghosting, breadcrumbing (giving just enough attention to keep someone hooked), and non-committal dating have all become the norm. instead of breaking up, people just... disappear.

emotional intimacy ≠ romantic commitment

some people just crave deep connection without the relationship part.

queer friendships can be super intimate, making lines blurry.

some people don’t even want a traditional relationship.

not all situationships are about avoiding love— sometimes, it’s just about redefining what love is.

some people genuinely prefer deep emotional connections without the pressure of a romantic relationship.

queer friendships can be so emotionally intense that it feels like a relationship, even when it’s not.

some people are on the aromantic spectrum and don’t experience romantic attraction the same way, but still want closeness.

so while some situationships are accidental or messy, others are actually just a new way of looking at relationships that don’t follow the traditional dating structure.

so... are situationships good or bad?

tbh, it depends. situationships aren’t inherently bad, but they’re not always healthy either.

if both people are on the same page and genuinely happy? cool.

if one person wants more and the other is just stringing them along? yikes.

if it’s all based on fear, avoidance, or trauma? double yikes.

at the end of the day, queer people deserve relationships that make them feel safe, wanted, and respected— whether that’s a full-on committed relationship or a situationship that actually works for both people.

╭┉┈ how to escape (or survive) a queer situationship:

alright, so now we know why queer situationships happen. but what if you’re in one and you’re tired of the constant confusion? maybe you want more, maybe you want less, or maybe you just want to stop overthinking every interaction. whatever the case, here’s how to either escape the mess or survive it without losing your mind.

figure out what you actually want

do you want a relationship, or are you okay with the undefined chaos?

are you emotionally attached, or are you just vibing?

is this situation actually fulfilling, or are you just scared to let go?

before doing anything, ask yourself: what do i actually want?

if you do want a relationship, are you okay with waiting for the other person to be ready, or is that just gonna hurt you more?

if you don’t want a relationship, is the situationship actually healthy, or are you just avoiding commitment?

are you staying because you genuinely like this dynamic, or because you’re scared of being alone?

self-awareness is key. once you know what you want, you’ll know what your next step should be.

communicate (yes, even if it’s scary)

"so… what are we?" is a terrifying question, but necessary.

avoiding the talk = prolonging the mess.

be direct. like, painfully clear.

if you’re in a situationship, you need to talk about it—even if your brain is screaming "let’s just ignore this forever."

you don’t need a dramatic intervention, just a simple "hey, i just want to understand where we stand."

avoid vague questions like "what are we doing?" because that can be dodged. instead, try "do you see this as something serious or casual?"

if you’re scared they’ll get weird or distant after the convo, well… that’s kinda the point. better to know now than waste more time.

and remember: if someone refuses to have this conversation, that’s your answer.

set boundaries (because your feelings matter)

define what you are okay with.

don’t let the other person’s indecision dictate your self-worth.

if it feels like it’s draining you, it’s not worth it.

if you realize you’re unhappy, set some damn boundaries.

if you’re tired of the mixed signals, tell them you need clarity or you’re walking away.

if they only hit you up when they’re bored, make it clear you’re not just their emotional support system.

if they keep treating you like a partner but won’t say you’re one, stop letting them get away with it.

boundaries aren’t ultimatums—they’re self-respect.

accept their answer (even if it’s not what you wanted)

if they say they don’t want a relationship, believe them.

if they’re avoiding commitment, they’re choosing to.

don’t waste energy trying to "convince" them to want more.

sometimes, the hardest part isn’t the conversation—it’s accepting the outcome.

if they say they "aren’t ready for a relationship" but keep treating you like you’re dating, they’re ready for something, just not with you.

if they say "i don’t like labels," cool, but that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it.

if they just keep stringing you along, that’s an answer too.

it sucks, but trust me— walking away from someone who won’t choose you is better than waiting for them to change.

if you stay, make sure it’s on your terms

does this situationship actually work for you?

are you getting what you need, or just what they’re willing to give?

if the dynamic changes, will you be okay with that?

not every situationship needs to end— some actually work if both people are okay with the setup.

if you’re genuinely fine with keeping things casual, make sure it’s because you want it, not because you feel stuck.

if your feelings change, be honest about it.

if it ever stops being fun, leave. simple.

the only rule? don’t settle for less than what you deserve.

remember you are not "too much" for wanting clarity

it’s not "dramatic" to want to know where you stand.

you deserve respect, whether it’s a relationship or not.

if they make you feel like you’re asking for too much, that’s a them problem.

queer people are often made to feel like they should be grateful for any form of love or attention, even if it’s half-hearted or inconsistent. but let’s be real:

you deserve someone who actually respects your time and emotions.

you’re allowed to want commitment, or clarity, or literally anything that makes you feel secure.

if someone makes you feel like your needs are a burden, they’re just proving they aren’t the right person for you.

tl;dr: know your worth, communicate, and don’t settle for bs

if you want more, ask for it. if they can’t give it, move on.

if you’re happy with the way things are, just make sure it’s actually what you want.

if you feel like you’re stuck in an emotional limbo, you probably are. get out.

whether you end the situationship, define it, or just learn from it, the goal is the same: you deserve relationships that make you feel secure, not ones that leave you constantly questioning where you stand.

╭┉┈ final thoughts: the real enemy is confusion, uncertainity

so, after all this, what’s the takeaway? are situationships evil? should queer people just delete dating apps, move to the woods, and never interact again? not exactly.

situationships aren’t bad. sometimes, they can be fun, low-pressure, and exactly what both people need. but when they’re built on avoidance, mixed signals, and unspoken expectations, they can become draining as hell.

the key isn’t to avoid situationships entirely— it’s to make sure that whatever dynamic you’re in, it’s one that actually works for you.

the queer dating reality check

queer dating is already complicated because society doesn’t give us the same relationship blueprints.

many of us carry baggage from growing up in environments that made us question our own worth.

because of this, many queer people settle for just enough love instead of what they actually want.

but here’s the truth: you are not "hard to love." you are not asking for too much. and you are not obligated to stay in a dynamic that makes you feel small.

situationship survival 101

whether you’re getting into one, stuck in one, or trying to move on from one, here’s what matters:

- know your own needs and boundaries.

- communicate (seriously, no more avoiding it).

- don’t accept less than what makes you feel valued.

- if you’re happy, cool. if you’re not, change something.

if a situationship works for you? great.

if it’s making you anxious and confused? you don’t have to stay in it.

at the end of the day, queer people deserve relationships that make them feel safe, wanted, and chosen— whether that’s a committed relationship, a casual situationship, or something in between.

you don’t need to settle for "almost love." you deserve the real thing.

[pictures are from pinterest]