#For like 2 hours then suffering again
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This is the only album in the world I'm afraid
#currently suffering the consequences of rewatching dee vee dee aka that live at london forum 2006 show#one of them is that i'm obsessed with this album again and i can't believe that i'm saying this but#i might be more into hyl than ecotd at this moment in time. maybe i just have to wait a bit for the ecotd virus to fully return again#but i'm sure it'll be back very soon it's never gone for too long#i'm at almost 700 scrobbles of that album at the moment apparently. wow that's kind of crazy#anyway hyl i love you forever and ever. God such a great album. AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! 💥💥💥💥💥#listening to a bunch of music today and having a chill time and i'm feeling so relaxed like i haven't in weeks#this is v important i might need to add AT LEAST 2 hours of music a day to my daily routine i have to make the most of my time here on earth#maybe i could also finally make those fanarts inspired by hyl and ecotd songs that i've had in mind for a couple months already#also been entertaining the possibility of any 00s era songs making a return on this tour if that happens i will be happy for all eternity#i need to make that biggest setlist wishes post i think we should all get to theorising and making bets on that field#will this year be the grand return of i can't believe or good morning or metaphor or... literally anything could happen and it's beautiful#goosepost#Spotify
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goodnight tumblr if you see me online after this you should send someone to whack me over the head with a cartoonishly large hammer
#i'm so tired i'm able to think clearly for like 2-3 hours every day tops it's so bad#yet somehow i barely slept last night??? again?????#and i lost my sleeping meds 😭😭😭😭😭 im going thru hell for real#i just think that if you suffer from chronic fatigue you shouldnt be allowed to also have insomnia. it should be one of those. not both#personal
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"you need to sleep to recover from ailments" is all well and good until your brain and body simply will not let you sleep, and you're laying awake at 11:30 like
#//juri speaks#in pain; plagued by anxiety; cannot get comfortable#i got like. 1-2 hours of sleep. i think. and then woke up again around 10:30#been awake and suffering since
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#SORRY im mad about my stupid college again#WHY do they require so many internhip hours??????#no wait i KNOW why. bc the chef who runs the program is EVIL AND STUPID#he literally thinks he as a chef is gods gift to this earth. he thinks CHEFS are gods gift to this earth but only if they agree with him.#however. gods gift to this earth do NOT deserve breaks. ('chefs dont get breaks' is a direct quote)#he thinks all chefs should work like dogs and SUFFER. and the industry should never change#and he loves the power of being the program head. (and most students' advisor)#and he can say im preparing you to be the best!!!!! and get away with it#and he doesnt respect pastry chefs. and guess what i am hahahah#like i know the culinary industry is toxic and most chefs are jerks. but bakeries are very different from restaurants#so i thought i could handle some jerky chefs during school and get my degree and go work in a bakery#(i can handle some jerky chefs)#the problem was that a jerky chef ran the program as if you were already working in the worst restaurant environment imaginable#and he only taught like everyone wanted to be world renown chefs of 5 star parisian restaurants that take 4 years to get a reservation#(which is crazy that he thinks hes qualified to get other people to that level but ok.)#and thats great for people who want that! but some people (me) just want a cute little bakery!#also ! its advertised as a 2 year associates program#which. is true that you'll only get an associates degree out of it#but 2 years is including summer semesters. sorry i don't think thats how that works. i think thats 3 years#2 years for people who decide to do extra and take summer semesters.#and i think the only realistic way to complete the internship hours is to take an off semester and only do the internship#so you're not doing it at the same time as classes#but that adds a minimum of 1 semester and maximum 2#or if you cram the spring and fall semesters to have summer off and do the internship during summer#summer semesters are shorter. so youd have less weeks to complete the same amount of hours#it is simply not a 2 year program for the average person!!!!!!#i was IN COLLEGE FOR 2 YEARS!!!!!! AND I ONLY TOOK 1 (ONE) PASTRY CLASS!!!!!! I SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO GRADUATE!!!!!!!!!!!#and what do you MEAN you expect me to be in college for 3 years and only get an associates degree out of it. no thank you#its almost like...... an associates degree requires 2 years of schooling........ and theres too much happening in this program.......#bc the man in charge of it is power hungry and wants to control people and thinks chefs need to be beat into shape.......
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.....realized I would literally rather work 12 hours a day and come home to complete silence where my space is exactly the way I like it and I don't have to continue to mask my reactions than have to work all day then come back to a roommate. wish I'd had this realization 2 months ago. I've been crying about how much I don't want to live with someone else and just NOW realized I'm an adult and I've organized my life in such a way that I don't technically Have to I can just work harder at a number of kind of shitty jobs I'm qualified for
#had a whole breakdown in private when i found out they had already leased my place i am hot mess this year#there are other places around the same price it was just. i thought about not having to move and the instant relief and hope for the future#then again i thought about not having to live with anyone else in general and that did also restore my hope for the future a tiny bit#if i had just realized i can do what i want even a month ago#:(#i don't WANT to suffer the 2-4 month mental consequences of changing where i live#i was getting a roommate because i was like. so i lose my ability to be around people and still function/hold down a job every 2 years#i should start planning for the next go around of the cycle#THEN i realized wait. i was living with my family for burnout 1#i was working 2 jobs and going to school for burnout 2#i was living with a roommate for burnout 3#(extension of burnout 2)#i was living with my family working full time and doing classes online for burnout 4#what if. here's a thought#i wasn't living with family i wasn't living with a roommate i wasn't in school#and i worked the same shitty job that gave me $16 an hour#but at the end of the day i just didn't have to do any other work#hm.#idk if i will even be able to find a place that accepts me on my own without a guaranteed income but#god it would help me keep a guaranteed income to live alone#who knows maybe i'd even be able to get therapy for the fact that i have never felt truly comfortable around anyone irl#it's always been like i had to force myself through anyway but what if i got to stop for even like 2 years
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#so i finished my 4 out of 4th 12 hour shift in a row last night and i'm literally so exhausted and i was glitching mid simple tasks 🤡✌️#my coworker asked to change shifts so he could have that one specific day as off#and he managed to do some very critical mistakes in his 4 days prior and that's considering his gf is often with him there#and i was the one suffering the consequences even if it's literally not my fault#ever since i've got this job i've been fixing so many mistakes of his i kept wondering who's the newbie here??#like i try to leave my shift as good as possible i clean everything check everything and do all my duties#and when i come here after his shifts it's.. a fucktonne of work mistakes and literal dirt like dude!!!#4 shifts in a row never again man never again i am so tired my brain is nerfed and i can only rest for 1 day today because tomorrow i'm#going to a doc;#my social battery is not just dead it's nonexistent at this point#i just want to lay in bed and not be percieved or interacted with for at least the same amount of days 😫#i really thought i could take a socially demanding and rather multitasking job without it taking hugest toll on my mental state huh???#and i had such a bad sleep too i had a very graphic and sickening nightmare which woke me up 2 hours after i fell asleep#and then i woke 2 more times after that and i feel so exhausted and not rested at all and so fatigued i can't even do anything#man for me my sleep being interrupted is the worst like i function better if i have a smaller amount of sleep but it's uninterrupted#than longer in hours but it gets interrupted and i wake up even once#sorry i come here once in few days vent post and then dissapearvckfkv 😭 i miss tumblr but have no energy currently to even rb anything 🥲#tbd
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Boy. It’s been a wild last few days
#it’s like I finally crawled out from my cave of endless concert work#finally actually back online regularly and checking my socials#only to find half of my friends and mutuals are dying and suffering#like that gif of the guy walking into the room on fire with pizza#that’s me I’m the guy#anyway I’ve sworn off work until this weekend to force myself to breath#started playing tales of zestiria again. instantly forgot u start at ur last save if u die. lost like 2-3 hours of gameplay that way.#but don’t worry guys I’m still playin it. I’m a mighty little soldier.#Valkris says shit
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Literally me 24/7
Literally me right NOW, actually
having one of those executive function days where everything is too many steps
#why does being alive have so many steps#like right now i have homework to do#1. get up#2. open computer#3. stare at my computer for five minutes because i can't focus for shit#4. suffer#5. do everything wrong#6. turn it in about 5 hours later#7. realize i took so long to do the 30 minute assignment that i didn't leave myself any time to read two chapters of my english textbook#8. remind myself to read it during lunch tomorrow AGAIN and stress myself out AGAIN#9. repeat
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less than an hour left for the songkran music to end thank fuck
#let’s hope there’s no music tonight#every day i wake up to pee i hate it because i’m up against my will another 1-2 hours due to the music outside#i’m pretty sure the official dates were sunday to tuesday so i really do hope i can rest#my cold is getting better but still not quite there yet and i have to travel to my old condo again to return my keys and fully move out 😪#🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿#i need to find my ear plugs like omg i’m suffering
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>:/
I have the same bullshit schedule next week cause my store director just LOVES fucking up hours then copy+pasting it week to week
#sunday is gonna be bs#8 to fucking 2#idk if i could get away with a 9 to 3 again or not#but fuckin hell i hate my weekend schedule now#it used to be good!! i liked my hours for the most part!!!!#but then my store director had to go and fuck it up#and whats more annoying is im scheduled to close mon/wed and those are the two days i really would rather not work fucking closing#cause i have an 8 am the day after both#but i suffer those since it was the only way to get my manager to give me more hours (i just needed 1 more day but my manager did 2)#tomorrow and next saturday too but at least i can work a little later and use 2 hours with coworkers i actually LIKE#amber's shit you can ignore
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is there a default from life button . kinda tired
#mari rambles#will delete later#no because genuinely i am furious at myself what the fuck is wrong with me can i just get back on fucking track already#will it take killing myself /nsrs to stop this. seriously#breaking news 18yo gendermessthing hasnt gotten over its mommy issues!!! more at ten <3#its just. lies down. stop telling me stop telling me stop fucking telling me i dont want to know. but i do want to know. what kind of perso#would i be if i didnt want to know. i know i fucking KNOW blood doesnt count for shit but im just. i loved her for all my life even if she#didnt love me and i was some kind of societal tool to her. it mattered to me then and it matters to me now but some part of me will still#cry into my pillow for hours because i came out of the womb shaped wrong and i didnt want to let that define me and she wanted it to and#didnt love me for it hated me for it. like whatever the fuck it happened its over with im not 15 and hiding in a corner anymore genuinely#it does not matter to me. but sometimes i miss her and theyre telling me shes sick and they dont know what her chances her even if it looks#good rn and theres this nefarious part of me that wishes she suffers as much as she made ME suffer all my life. and then i cry bc i miss he#and there will never be a replacement for her as fucked as that sounds. [sarcastically] amazing. am i right#idk i just. ive spent 2 hours crying and im so tired and i just want things to make sense again. i just wish. it werent so difficult#to function and behave like a real person anymore#im sure i'll look back on this and laugh at myself in a few days but.#will delete this later#i am fine im fine just. needed to let that out somewhere lmao
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I’m so sick of being the only fucking person in this family who has their shit together
#my sister just texted me to tell me that our mom is having a full breakdown about Christmas#bc my grandma#her mom#had surgery a few weeks ago and needs help with everything#and my mom’s sister stayed for a week and then fucked off to her second home 2 hours away#even though she’s retired and literally has no obligation to be there#and both of her sons#who are my cousins#are fucking useless despite being nearly twice my age#like they barely can even take care of themselves#bc my aunt and grandma do everything for them#and my dad is a useless waste of space human being#im not even going to get into that#my sister is probably trying to help but she honestly can barely take care of herself too#despite being almost 21#my brother more or less has his shit together but unfortunately he is 17#and suffering from the very real diseases of being 17#also my mom has no confidence in her ability to take initiative or adult despite being in her 50s#so like I’m not surprised she’s having a breakdown#im just upset that I’m probably going to have to go rescue them all again#I was supposed to have this week off to relax before going there for the holidays#but now idk if that will happen#all of these adults who are more than twice my age and none of them can do shit#it’s just pathetic that they have to call the 25 year old grandchild to come save their asses bc they can’t function#vent#vent post#rant#oldest daughter
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Fascinated by the concept of people who want to engage w media but watch video essays to skip large sections of it
#making my own post bc this Feels Mean but I need to at least try to get the thought down#saw a post that was like ‘’season 2 just came out but I’m too busy to watch season 1 of (show) anyone have a video essay about it’’#and like no judgement! but I live in such a different world then u#like if I don’t have time to engage w something I want to I just add it to the queue or ‘’make time’’ <- stay awake for an extra 5 hours#and suffer the consequences#which! isn’t advisable!#but I feel like not engaging with stuff directly is also? not advisable?#idk it’s just interesting to see how other people go about that#also kinda funny to use ‘’video essay’’ when I feel like a recap would work better but again! differences!
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#this is usually my nightly wailing hour where im a lil upset abt having a lingering cough#but actually im awake RN not bc i could not sleep earlier BUT bc i.. *gasp!* actually woke up! meaning YES! i had managed to sleep earlier!#the update for my sick notes is that i have discovered dayquil and nyquil and WOOOOOOWWWW#that was the key..! i had been doing this without the right support/meds it seems!#i can BREATHE. im finally not suffering and the cough is supressed#this is the most peace in terms of breathing ive had in like 2 weeks!#anyway im due for the next dose so im going back to bed.. im going to fully enjoy my being able sleep again. goodnight!!! :')
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we are straight up not having a good time rn
#We do be suffering#Like last week with the fuckin bed bugs in my chair that I still have to rent a steamer for#One of my guests broke her toe being stupid on my Backpacking trip#The campsite was pure pine and poison ivy#For context I am allergic to pine#My guests were from Cincinnati#Yah know that please I was fucking tortured#So during my six hours of clean up I had a flash back so that was fucking fun#I get home at like ten pm and the lights in the bathroom are out so I can't shower#I go into my room to see that Flys have gotten into my trash so it's now maggot infested#So now am I not only worried about the potential infestation I'm worried that while I was gone the maggots got into Mt cats food.#And while I didn't see any (and I cleaned it out immediately) What if#And I can't sleep see again the week of triggering guests#So I started to deep clean my place (I'll keep at it and finish on Monday probably)#But it's now 2 am and I still cannot fucking sleep (again the whole tortured triggered all week thing)#And I've got work early at the escape room place#I am straight up. Ot having a good time right now#And while I get that most adults will deal with one of these at last once (mostly. )#My me tal health is trying very hard to convince me I'm absolutely disgusting#Also I'm itchy all over bc I haven't fucking showed and it feels like bugs are clawing me SO#Overshari.g on the internet times
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//Night 3 on the insomnia train whoo hoo... Anyone still awake that might be interested in interacting with Piers? It can be either canon or MHA verse, I don't mind either option.
#;ooc#;starter call#//i forgot to take my medicine at a decent hour so now I am suffering the consquences#//ah well - i got to have a great night regardless so i have no regrets#//honestly kind of amazed since i'm running on like 2-3 hours of sleep again
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