#FORGIVE ME IF THIS IS AWKWARD AF

[feiyunaskblog]

Feiyun hummed in response, looking over the menu, "Yeah, the salmon looks pretty good...." One of her ears twitched slightly as the door opened again, "Then again...." She flipped to the salad section, "Those are pretty good too..."

She hummed, leaning into Ryker more, "Do you have anything you're looking at?" Feiyun looked up at him from her position on his shoulder, "There's some really good looking soups if your throat is bothering you at all right now.'

( @ask-fireflycod )

(closed rp w @feiyunaskblog @ask-declanwilsons & @ask-fireflycod)

Wren had told Declan about her new friendship with Feiyun, and he was happy that they had finally met and talked a bit outside of Feiyun’s appointments.

What had started off as a little joke between Declan and Dove about perhaps going on a double date with Feiyun and Ryker sprouted an actual idea in Wren’s mind.

What if they did?

So, she began coordinating. Making dinner reservations and even looking at show or opera tickets for afterwards.

No. Too fancy. Who does that?! Dove scrapped the opera, settling for dinner and treats at her favorite fro-yo place, where her father would take her on her cheat days.

She shot Declan a quick text,

[Everything is all set! Let them know ;P]

[runwhileyoucan]

Btw this is my discord for anyone who wants to add me

[soombee]

ଳ⋆｡˚���� caught in the current of you — ch 10 , what are we, kim donghyun?!

warning ! mentions of suicide (sarcasm) and alcohol consumption

word count , um a lot

sorry for the long wait😢😢 i was sick all thanksgiving break 🙂🙂🙂 also lowkey by niki reference at the end heh

the message sat in your head for too long, your thumb hovering over the send button. before you could even sigh, your hands typed it out, and hit send—which would have taken more than a week for you to send if you hadn't been unstable LOL

you; hi leehan, sorry for not responding to um.. the whole thing sooner but i think i'm ready now(?) let’s talk

his reply came almost instantly-like the only thing he was made for in life was to service you

leehan; Oh of course, pretty. I've been thinking about it too Imao. I’ll be there in 10

the nickname "pretty" twisted something in your chest. it was so casually affectionate, but now it carried the weight of everything unresolved

true to his word, his car pulled up in front of your house minutes later. you hesitated as you walked toward the passenger door, wondering if this was a mistake. but when you opened the door and slid into the seat, the familiar scent of his cologne—sweet and warm—made your heart clench,

“hi,” he said softly, glancing at you as you buckled your seatbelt

“hi,” you replied, your voice quieter than you intended

he waited a beat before putting the car in drive, “where do you want to go?”

“anywhere,” you said, avoiding his gaze, “just..somewhere we can talk”

he nodded, and the two of you drove in silence, the hum of the engine and the quiet music being the only noise between you. he took you to a quiet spot by the river, a place you’d both gone to in happier times; the familiarity of it felt like a cruel joke

when he parked, neither of you moved—it all felt so awkward. he turned off the engine and the silence grew heavier

“so” he started, his voice hesitant, “what did you want to talk about?”

you stared out the window, your heart racing, “us.”

his grip on the steering wheel visibly tightening, letting out a shaky breath, “i figured..”

“i need to know, leehan,” you said, finally looking at him, “why did you push me away? why couldn’t you just let me in?”

he turned to you, his expression conflicted, “i didn’t mean to.. i—i thought I was protecting you. from me, from my mess. i thought if I kept my distance, you’d be better off”

you scoffed, the frustration bubbling u, “protecting me? by shutting me out? by making me feel like I wasn’t enough?”

“that’s not what i wanted,” he said quickly, his voice breaking, “i swear, yn. i never wanted to hurt you. i just—”

the pure oblivion in his words only made the ache in your chest even worse

“oh my GOD, leehan. you couldn’t even trust me? you couldn’t even count on me not to judge you for being so overzealous,” your voice trembling, “you didn’t even try. you made me feel like I was screaming into the void.. like—like i was standing on your street in the cold, waiting for you to just unfold your arms and let me into your warmth.”

his eyes widened, the weight of your words hitting him—finally realizing what you really went through to get here.

“you say you care,” you continued, tears brimming, “but caring isnt enough, donghyun. if you wanted me—really wanted me—you’d show me. you’d stop hiding behind your walls and show up. show me the very thing you’ve been shutting everyone else from seeing.”

his head dropped, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white,

“i know,” he whispered. “i know i messed up. i know i let my own fears ruin what we had and I hate myself for it, yn. everyday, i hate myself for it” he wiped away your tears, “every passing moment i spend without you is the only thing i think of ever since we stopped talking.”

the vulnerability in his voice and how he’s still caring for you even tho there were tears rolling down his face cracked something in you, but it wasn’t enough to erase the hurt

“i forgive you,” you said after a long silence, your voice quiet but firm, “but forgiveness doesnt mean i’m ready to forget. i need time. i need space to figure out what i want”

he sighed, long and heavy, “does this mean that whatever we have won’t go any further than this?”

you shook your head, your throat tight, “i—i dont know. i just.. we cant keep doing this. let’s… let’s not talk for a while. at least not about anything other than the project.”

he nodded slowly, swallowing hard, “okay, if that’s what you need.”

you reached for his hand, “leehan… i dont hate you. i could never hate you. but you need to figure out what you want too.”

the ride back was silent, the weight of the conversation still settling between you. when he pulled up in front of your house, you paused before getting out, pausing to look at him one last time,

“i don’t want you to wait for me but, for all that this is worth, i know we can be better for each other in time.”

his lips parted but no words came out. instead, he just nodded, keeping his gaze steady

you stepped out of the car, closing the door softly behind you. as you walked up to your door, you didn’t look back though you could feel his eyes lingering on your back, you can tell that he misses you already.

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taglist (open) ! @saintriots @yourmyst4r @sftsohee @httpenhoon @alisonyus @astrae4 @lynnimini @enhacolor @mari3s @voikiraz @yveol @sol3chu @saritahwang @kazemiya @kamfaye @meoriapeuda99 @1starqi @dylanobr1ens

[myloveismuichiro]

Why The Creepypastas Are Afraid Of Y/n ! PT. II

Characters: Ticci Toby, Jason The Toymaker, X Virus, Homicidal Liu !

a/n; Konnichiwa! Feel free to message me requests or stuff! Jaane! ⁠♡

Ticci Toby ⁠♡ • He went into your room to ask for something, and you gladly let him borrow it. • But when he went to get it from your drawer (because you're lazy af), he accidentally knocked down the flower vase, and it shattered into pieces. • Now, it wasn't the flower vase breaking the thing that made you angry, but it was the fact that a broken shards got into your bed and you sat up on it. • You two just stared at each other, and it started to get really awkward. • Then, you started seeing red, grabbed several broken shards of glass from the floor, and started aiming them at his head. • The poor bby got hit on the forehead when he tried to run out of the room, and became Harry Potter, but with a lot more blood (Ily if you get it).

Jason The Toymaker ♡ • You two were arguing about a previous mission that was failed, and he was blaming you for it. • Then, he suddenly started hitting you with wooden scraps that he kept on himself (just in case). • You were just ignoring him, when suddenly one of the wooden scrapes stabbed your eye, and it started bleeding. • While covering your eye, you turned slowly towards him (for dramatic effect). But surprisingly, you just marched up to your room without saying a word. • He was relieved, until later that evening after dinner. He went downstairs to his room/workshop, and was shocked to see all of his creations either shredded, torn apart, or burned. • He heard a faint chuckle from up the stairs, and he looked up to see you standing there menacingly. • "Don't even try to attack me." You said, glaring daggers at him while smiling devilishly.

X - Virus ♡ • He was snooping around in your room, for God knows why, while you were out on a mission. • He found your pet hamster, and suddenly had an idea. He brought it down into the basement/his room, and injected some type of poison into it's back. He sneakily went back up into your room and placed the hamster back, acting like nothing happened. • When you came back from your mission, you immediately ran up to your room to feed your hamster. But when you got up there, you started screaming. • Your hamster was still in it's cage, yes, but it was laying upsidedown and frothing at the mouth. • You immediately knew who did it, and started marching down to his room. • "CODY!!!!" You screeched, and barged into his room while he was changing. • You grabbed one of his graduated cylinders, smashed it, and started to throw the shards of glass at his naked upper torso. • Thank God he had sweat pants on. • Let's just say that he wasn't able to go on missions for a long while.

Homicidal Liu ⁠♡ • You and Jeff were having a staring contest, which was really ridiculous since the man had no eyelids, but you were really bored so eh. • Anyways, while you were losing (terribly), Liu accidentally suddenly threw a piece of cake into your face. • Jeff started laughing, and you glared at Liu for a moment. At first, he thought he was safe, since you were normally a very forgiving person, but you were in a bad mood. • You grabbed your weapon and started chasing him around the house, yelling hurtful words at him as you did so. • Thank God that you easily cool off when you get mad, and, realizing what you had just done, apologized profusely to your terrified lover. • "Gommenasai, Hani!" You said over and over again, bowing to your trembling boyfriend. • I mean, who wouldn't be scared after being chased by someone for several hours? We're only human ¯⁠\⁠_⁠༼⁠ ⁠•́⁠ ͜⁠ʖ⁠ ⁠•̀⁠ ⁠���⁠_⁠/⁠¯

a/n; That's all! Aishitemasu! Sayonara! Want a PT. III? ♡

[nuri148]

Hi, can I ask something? What do you think are Levi and Mikasa's greatest personality strengths and weaknesses? Why? What do you love about their dynamic? Since when that you start shipping them? What is your fav (canon) rivamika moments? Sorry if you've answered these questions before.....

P.s

Thanks for sharing your fics and for this blog of yours. Also, thanks to you, I start shipping Rivamika. See, I love Mikasa so much but I really dislike Eremika and can not understand that ship at all (don't mean anything negative to Eremika shippers). I'm okay with Armin/Mikasa & Jean/Mikasa, but I don't love those ships that much. Until I found your blog, read your fics and fall in love with Rivamika! Sorry for my rambling....

First things first, I’m so so sorry for taking so so long to reply!!! 🥺I’ve been quite busy lately irl and your ask calls for a proper answer. I think Levi is the least judgeamental character in AoT. This is in a virtuous circle with his kindness and selflessness, where those three qualities feed each other back . He’s kind and He’s a good judge of character, he’s practical, obviously he’s strong, both physically and spiritually. His resilience is extraordinary, after all he’s been through, he has not succumbed to rage, revenge, envy… Eren went through a smidgen of a fraction of what Levidis, and he decimated mankind for it. If Levi’s virtues are a bit hidden behind his gruff exterior, his weaknesses are there for all to see (is this a fault in itself?). He can be rude, he expreses anger and frustration in a violent manner—which is a result of his upbringing, granted, but still makes him look unapproachable. This can be good when facing your enemies as a soldier, but can isolate him from meaningful human connections too. I’m veering on hc terrain here, but for all his empathy he also strikes me as someone who’d be much less compassive/forgiving when it’s about “first world problems”. Annie killed his squad? No hard feelings, child soldier, all that jazz; you berate the waiter because he messed up your order? You’re dead to him. I’ve mentioned this before somewhere, but we have an idiom in my country for people who, like Levi, are not cut for polite social events, and its to be “coarse as a plough”, which is funny bc Ackerman means ploughman.

Mikasa is also strong af, and she pairs that with a calm demeanor… unless her loved ones are threatened ofc. In fact, I think Mikasa’s weaknesses are mostly her virtues going overboard: she has a fierce protective instinct, which is good up to a point but it becomes a problem  when she lets that override her judgement, like in the female titan arc. She’s determined, but that turns into stubborness. She’s loyal, but that loyalty turned into paralysis in the case of Eren; not only when it came to having to stop him, but also regarding her crush on him, which she probably wasn’t fully conscious of, hence her surprise and awkwardness when he asked her “what am I to you”.

I’m not sure at what point I started shipping rm; I do remember fretting when he was revealed to be an Ackerman, for fear that they could turn to be family, because I was already rooting for them. I guess I was initially attracted to the idea of the power couple, being the two most badass characters in the series. But I also like how she blooms under his guidance. He could have easily dismissed or bashed her for her protectiveness of Eren, but he teaches her to curb that zeal and keep it as a goal, not a trigger; he lends her his trust and allows her to become his right hand in battle. She in turn, despite her initial enmity towards him because of his display in Eren’s trial, is able to recognize Levi’s kindness and appreciate his leadership. He treats her not like a weapon, not like a silly girl, but like a full human being. Perhaps Mikasa is the one who most shows her fear of losing her loved ones, and that’s certainly something Levi knows about. Neither of them have time or energy for BS. It’s canon Mikasa wishes for a peaceful life like the one she had with her parents, and Levi to me exudes huge “I’m too old for this shit” energy (like jjk Nanami, another husbando) so I can picture them spending their afternoons in domestic bliss, fixing things around the house, tending to the garden, rather than going to town. He can give her reassurance and She could provide him with the family life he never had.

They’re both hot af, too. 😆 Imagine that Ackerpower in the bedroom...

In the end though, like in real life, it doesn’t matter much why you like it… You just do, and it makes you happy, and it hurts no one, so it’s fine!

Awww idk if being thankful or sorry that you started shipping rm because of me! 😅 Our ship is one of the most misunderstood of the fandom, and from time to time we get hate from antis, eruris and/or eremikas. But because of who they are, what they’ve been through and what they want, I think they make for beautiful fics where their relationship helps them fix themselves, rather than fixing each other. This is something that often comes up in the rm discord, how our fave fics are usually post-canon and about building a healthy relationship based on respect, rather than all the drama and toxicity of classic romance lit. (ofc we also enjoy a good old pwp… though you’ll still find a lot of established-relationship porn and porn-with-feelings fics.)

Thank you so much for your ask, and sorry again for the delay!

[fiestylittlebeetle]

I have musings about how Malware's recovery goes in GC but it's got allot of complex feelings and concepts involved, and although i think the sheer dumbassery of canon would allow it on some level, I know some people might look at this and be like "bro you're literally stupid"

like everything I'm writing for this comes with a asterix that leads to a foot note that says "malware is not forgiven"

more under the cut for your judgement

god how to put this

Ben does not forgive malware for hurting him, or doing anything he did. In fact he doesn't really like malware at all. but as an adult and fighting him in a weakened form. fighting him him felt unfulfilling and kind of pathetic.

he kinda felt like he just beat up someone who could barely defend himself because they dont like eachother. it kinda made him feel like a jerk even if he hates malware

like in AF he straight up took satisfaction in Vilgax needing to ask him for help and even got him a petty little kids meal. so ben is not above helping his enemy even if he acts petty about it

I dont think ben really hates anyone that deeply that he would look at them suffering and go "you should suffer more" thats just not who he is

GC Malware's comeback is messy, and he's not really completely the same malware that Ben took down by force before because he's weak and exhausted and angry but the anger he has is like, trying to use a pilot light to boil a pot of water

After their initial fight Ben does toss Malware in the plumbers holding cells for a while. and Malware does maybe consider trying to escape, but read above as to why he doesn't bother. he just lays in their and hopes either something happens allowing him to get out, or he passes out and doesn't have to think about it.

Ben comes back for him after the last post i made about him meeting Malware 23, and considers "What if I help him this time. Azmuth isn't going to do it, and I couldn't do anything when I was 10 or 17. But maybe I could do something for him now" and he's had a good long think about it. what could Help Malware.

and ya'll are gonna treat me like im insane here but, hear me out

he hasn't told his mom about the Feedback incident, or really brought up Malware at all, so she doesn't know shit. and what Malware lacks is people who care about him, but especially familial people who care about him.

so he's plan is to see if his parents will let him let malware crash their. the stipulation for malware being if he does ANYTHING to his parents, ANYTHING sinister, Ben will rain hell down upon him like he's never known before.

Malware considers this and maybe even asks why ben is doing this

bens response can be summarized "cause im a better person then you, and even after it all, even after you HURT ME, I'm going to help you, and you're going to feel better, and you're going to feel guilty about it even when life gets better, and that seems like a reasonable punishment"

Malware doesn't really have much of choice here btw. He is being forced into this situation weather or not he likes it. and you may go "well you cant FORCE someone to recover" and you're right

but malware isn't gonna put up much of a fight cause he knows his limits (right now)

Sandra is open to the idea of letting malware stay in their guest room for a while, Carl is dubious but agrees cause he sees his son doing something kind. Malware is disgruntled, awkward, and uncomfortable (also Ben lies through his teeth about malware being a "friend" to his parents. like actually through actual clenched teeth)

for a while Malware stays holed up in the room, mostly sleeping or considering his deflated anger.

Sandra tries (and succeeds at some point) to get him to come out and be social. Her and Carl maybe even learn a little about him too, mostly just a vague idea of him being abandoned, and not liking other people very much.

i havn't gotten much further into the details, but I think Sandra would at least be the one who, after interacting with Malware a couple times, realizes he's very depressing. And it makes her sad that he seems so allergic to connecting with people. to her, as a mother, he comes off as a kid who hasn't been shown enough love and attention, and she is actually kinda correct.

details aside i had this idea of Sandra and Carl coming back to the house after being out for a day and finding Malware collapsed (a spontaneous system shut down)

and they roll him over so he's flat on his back, and Sandra has his head in her lap petting him while Carl is on the phone with the plumbers trying to see what kind of help he should get (they're being difficult and Carl already dislikes them so hes having a bad time TM)

anyway Mal eventually starts coming to and upon opening his optic and seeing sandra, and she's like "Oh you're awake!" and realizing what's happening he immediately sits up, almost knocking sandra back, telling her not to touch him, and feeling humiliated.

He's humiliated, but he's also feeling something, anger? no something else, satisfaction? no no something ELSE

ah yes

appreciation

And before someone asks "couldn't he just run away when no one's there" the answer is yes BUT he has no where else to go and he's not really in any condition to be defending himself against other people/aliens who will most likely have powers or weapons to use against him. Sticking around is the best bet rn

Now, you could bring up Khyber here but at this point Khyber had already been tried (basically Khyber was the first person malware found when he woke up. But remember that fight with Mal and Ben I mentioned? Khyber was also there but realized Mal kinda sucks and is useless now and so ditches him to save his own ass. Don't worry. Khyber will be back later when he's got more resources. But it's cause he knows malware is weak, and also one of a kind rare Mechamorph that's perfect for his trophie shelf.)

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

Once, Lily Evans had loved Severus Snape. It hadn't been in a romantic way. She didn't want to date him or be his girlfriend. But she truly loved him as a friend.

Back in the day, Lily thought no one could get her like Severus did. They were close. They got along well. They were interested in the same things. He made her laugh when she was her saddest. She was the only one who could make him snap out of his self pity. They were more than friends. Best friends.

And Lily didn't understand why others didn't like Severus. She didn't understand why others hated him or had something bad to say about him. From her mother who stared at him with reject, to Petunia who couldn't stand him and was always calling him nasty, to her father who didn't like him when he liked everyone "Just think my sweet Lily deserves better friends" he used to say.

Mary and Marlene couldn't stand Severus as well. They said he was weird and rude, that he'd never opened himself to them even if they tried to be friendly.

Then there were The Marauders who were bloody awful with Sev just because he was different (according to Lily). Sev was the victim of James's stupid mean jokes and Sirius’s humiliating pranks. Peter just followed them. They were constantly on him. Making fun of their nose and his hair.

Lily knew Severus was shy. He might have been tackless, serious and might not understand other people's sense of humor. But she knew other version of him. And he was actually funny, he was actually nice. He'd just suffered a lot.

But then Remus came along and he hadn't also liked Severus. He also didn't understand why Lily was friends with him.

That left Lily to be the only one to understand Severus. The only one to like him. And for Lily the rest of the world was crazy. She was against everyone else when it came to Severus.

Not for a second she thought it was Severus's fault. He suffered abuse at home. He suffered bullying and incomprehension from other kids at school. He had no friends for being the teacher's pet, weird, awkward and lonely. Severus was just a poor victim.

"I get that nobody likes me, Lily. I am useless. If my own bloody father doesn't like me, who would? Sometimes I think you're the only person who will love me"

Poor Severus, Lily constantly thought. Why doesn't people try to get to know him and actually like him?

Turned out Lily had been absolutely blind. After she heard Severus telling some Slytherin boys how she was easy and he could and had done what he wanted with her, things started changing between them.

Lily had been doing nothing but forgive him. He messed up, he justified it with the misery he was going through, Lily felt sorry for him, she forgave him. And the cycle started again.

For Lily it was normal and natural. She had seen friends fighting and making up instantly. Why wouldn't Lily give hers another chance? For old times sake.

People did the impossible for the people they loved, right? For their best friends, right? Then why did everything felt so wrong?

Lily had fucked up all the progress she had with James Potter.

"It's so rude not to say hello to someone, Potter!!" Lily sounded like an insane person yelling that after James and the boys had said hello to Mary and Marlene but completely ignored her. To be fair she was sad all the time. She felt guilty all the time. She didn't sleep well, she had lost her appetite and she was losing her concentration in classes.

James Potter gave her a hateful glance and turned without a word left to say. And it hurt. In the past, Lily had begged for Potter to ignore her ass for one second. But that was before getting to know him. That was before the friendship. That was before Petunia's wedding and the kiss they shared.

"What happened between you and Potter, Lily?" Mary asked as The Marauders walked away. James, Sirius and Peter angry and Remus pitiful but loyal to James.

"That man worshipped the floor you walked in" Marlene added with concern.

"You even said that you might fancy him... After your sister's wedding...That you felt like a princess next to him"

Lily had enjoyed every second of it. How she danced with James. How she chatted and laughed with James. Their kiss when Lily was slightly drunk. The way he had been a gentleman with her family. How well he fitted in on the contrary of Sev.

Lily thought she could actually feel things for James. That he could turn into her prince charming. But that was before knowing that he was doing all of it for a game.

"He changed the game, Lily!" Severus had said "How can you be so stupid?! He acted like your friend so that you could fall into his game. Now he has probably bragged to his bloody servants about how he finally got you to kiss him! And you are a fool to believe he is not going to get over you now that you've given in!"

Of course Lily felt guilty for being an idiot. She thought James had changed for real. But Severus reminded her of who she was dealing with. James Potter and his friends had been tormentors of Sev for years. How could Lily betray her best friend like that?

"Don't worry" Severus added as Lily started crying "I have a plan to get back at him"

Not Mary or Marlene knew about how Lily had turned all on her. Telling Potter that the only reason she'd kissed him was to win a bet she'd done with Severus. Although it was false, Lily wouldn't give Potter the satisfaction of having played with her.

"Lily, If what James told me is true, then you were awful with him" Marlene said carefully.

"Now I am the awful one? How about everything he did!" Lily did yell a bit.

"You aren't a spiteful person, babe" Mary prompted "You aren't like this. You wouldn't hurt someone to win a bet"

"You're right!! I'm not a fool anymore! I'm sick and tired of people stepping over me!!"

Now if Lily had told herself she had done the right thing, that Severus was her best friend first and above everyone, then why did she feel so dreadful?

"Come on, Lily" Severus appeared now before Lily could explain anything to her friends "Thought we were having dinner outside"

Marlene immediately rolled her eyes with his presence. Mary tutted with disdain. If Potter was the bad guy, why did the girls like him so much? Why were they rooting for Lily to be with him and not Severus?

"Don't you see she is busy?" Marlene spat.

"We were talking to her, Snape" Mary added.

Why couldn't them get along with Snape if he was as good as Lily thought?

"She agreed to eat with me, didn't you Lily?"

Why did Lily feel so guilty? For her Severus had done the impossible to make her forgive his mistakes. Now Lily was making up for falling into Potter's trap and hurting Severus by kissing him. She was just fighting for her friendship. And his conditions were not getting along with The Marauders. Any of them. It was a sacrifice to make Severus happy. It wasn't even a sacrifice, she didn't like the bullies of those wankers, did she?

"I am sorry, girls" Lily said, swallowing the knot on her throat "I did promise... Sorry"

Lily followed Severus even though she didn't want to. Even though her friends looked worried and irritated. Even though it felt wrong. Why did she feel this way?

She was quiet as they ate. For the first time in the history of their relationship, Severus was the happy one, the chatty one. Lily didn't know how to act anymore. She stared at Severus and wondered who was he? Was she right to trust him?

Through Lily's distraction, she dropped her glass of juice all over the table. She cried in apology as if spilling her juice had been the worst mistake in her life. Then she felt even more awful.

Severus just smiled finding Lily's silliness adorable and amusing.

"Don't worry about it, Lily" he said as he helped her clean.

"I'm so silly" Lily sighed "I ruined our dinner"

Severus chuckled "You didn't"

"I can't get you another plate" Lily said, mostly to get out of there and take a break from him. Why did she want to run away? Severus was staring at her without discretion "I know how much you like meat pie... You were enjoying it..."

"I love you, Lily" Severus responded with a snort.

How much Lily had dreamed for a boy to fall in love with her, like in the novels. She fantasized about romance. And she thought no one would glance at her that way.

When Severus almost kissed her on New Year's, she even considered giving him a chance. Didn't she read about the girl who realized at the end of the movie that she had been in love with her best friend all along?

But then Severus had fucked it up miserably. Now he hadn't stopped saying it since they fixed things. He had confessed his feelings claiming what he felt for Lily was real, on contrast of what Potter felt. But everytime Severus said it, Lily felt more and more uncomfortable.

For some reason it didn't sound genuine. It sounded awful. It sounded as if she was his most precious possession. As if he owned her or something.

"I'm sorry" Severus snorted and rubbed his neck as he saw how Lily stiffened. "I just can't stop saying it now... I just love you"

When he scooped closer, Lily flinched and froze.

"I know you don't feel the same, Lily" Severus sighed "But I promise I am going to make you love me... We're going to be so happy that you won't even remember everything that wanker did to you"

Lily was too frozen and uncomfortable to respond. She was actually glad her food was covered in juice because she wasn't hungry anymore.

Then Severus pulled her in for a hug and Lily's eyes filled with tears. It wasn't comfortable hugging him. She didn't feel butterflies. She didn't even feel the tender she used to feel for him. She felt disgust. She didn't know if it was of him or herself.

Lily was starting to believe that Severus Snape wasn't the man she thought he was. Maybe the world wasn't wrong. Maybe they were all right and she was the one to be mistaken. There was a reason why everyone hated Snape. Perhaps they all saw what she failed to see.

If Lily had to stop being friends with who she wanted because of Severus, if she had to stop doing what she pleased, change and live for him, then maybe this was a toxic relationship.

Maybe Severus didn't love her at all. He was just obsessed with her. So Lily considered for a second about leaving him. But she was scared of hurting him. She was scared of breaking his heart. She still had little care for him. Would she be able to cut him off?

"Sometimes, you just have to choose yourself above others, sunshine" the voice of her father said inside her head.

Lily knew what she had to do. She just had to find the right moment.

[marimayscarlett]

Some work better as holy men than others.

Schneider? 100% Forgive me father for I have sinned. On my knees!! ...to pray of course.

Ollie? Monk. Unbreakable. Will give you a look across the room that'll make you doubt but you won't be able to corrupt him.

Flake? He knows about your sins before you even sinned! Intimidating af.

Till? Some mid life crisis bs. May or may not quit next week.

Paul? Got lost on the way to the costume party, and now it's too awkward to leave.

Richard? Slut. Exudes and leaks slut energy. Forces you on your knees and not for praying.

This is perfect and on point, I have nothing to add and let this masterpiece speak for itself 🫶🏼

Happy birthday Rosenrot mv, the music video which gave this fandom a collective priest kink🌹❤️

[the-viewer-anon]

Heyyy intro post oooo

Ask box is open!!

Also guys feel free to pull me into any lore spontaniously, im awesome at improv

Lore

-nutorious 4th wall breaker

- everything can regenerate quickly except for the head

- slitted pupils

- they also sound like 7 BFDI

-infinite popcorn bucket

-forgetful af

-WILL nickname you (e.g. friendo)

-incredibly weak

-certified loser

-4th wall breaker

-probably high???

Any pronouns are fine

White text is in character

Purple text is ooc

Red text is POPCORN!!! Yep shes a character now

I, the irl person, am a teenager, so don't be weird

Im fine w/ gore tho I've seen The Thing 1982

I'm kind of just a watcher and i interact when its funny

You can probably figure out who i am if you pay attention teehee

This blog is 4 @a-narcissists-warren's anonvoid, i WILL update this often with new lore so check in

Im autistic so forgive me if my dialouge is awkward

Come talk 2 me for lore i love lore

Me

AND ME!!!!!!

[thisisevenharderthannamingablog]

Decision Point (Ep 5/6)

I just can't stop with this sorry, it's been years since I had anything I wanted to meta about.

"What happened to me?" The crux of the problem, succinctly expressed, that Porsche did not feel like an actor but a subject the previous night, that he didn't have a choice.

He spends most of this episode hurt and confused and looking desperately for any kind of signpost about what happened. The "go ahead then - do it" scene is one of the most charged moments between them. It's also Porsche trying to figure out -- in the most dangerous way possible, because Porsche -- which side of Kinn is the facade. Kinn's demeanor at the house is almost always smooth and controlled, even when he's dealing out violence. In this scene that is cracking. He is drunk and angry, and Porsche pushes hard on that, because he needs a sign. If that sign is pain, he can handle it; he can't stand the ambiguity.

Somewhere deep in the meta tag I saw a comment to the effect that Porsche's change of attitude to Kinn seems to be very quick. He goes from a state of high tension at the end of 5 to being much more relaxed going into 6. That struck me as odd, too, so I went back to the scene at Porsche's house, and I think that's the answer.

Because yes that was awkward AF and Kinn you do not visit your employees while they are supposed to be on vacation, and it was stupid of him to go alone, but? Kinn put himself into a socially awkward, dangerous situation that could not possibly benefit him. Everything that happens between them at the main house has the power dynamic in the background if not the foreground. By trying (however badly) to talk to Porsche outside of that setting, by leaving behind his bodyguards, Kinn is giving up control of the conversation.

Even though Porsche remains legitimately angry with him through that scene, this is the sign that he was looking for. That whatever the fuck is going on with Kinn, he isn't actually trying to hurt Porsche, who can forgive an unintended hurt -- even a very bad one -- in a way he wouldn't forgive deliberate cruelty. Which leaves him free to work on what this guy's fucking deal is, then.

Episode 6 is largely focused on addressing the power dynamic, which has to happen before they can get anywhere. It temporarily erases all the money and status and employer/employee business and puts them on equal ground in a very literal way. The early part elevates basic survival needs, which fosters trust and leaves no room for head games. The stream kiss establishes that there's still plenty of physical attraction on both sides and that Kinn has learned his lesson by being the one to break it off.

By the time they start talking, they've already reached a much more balanced state. Those conversations redress one of the remaining imbalances: information. Kinn knows a lot more about Porsche than vice versa. Porsche doesn't keep secrets about himself; Kinn does, but he starts to open up here, and again it's a situation where he doesn't stand to gain anything from doing so. That makes an emotional connection possible.

Finally, there's the ending. Kinn telling Porsche to leave -- essentially firing him -- at least symbolically vacates their previous agreement, resets the dynamic that threatens to come back into play before it can distort things between them. The fight then replays their introduction scene. Kinn is in danger, and Porsche can choose whether or not to intervene. This time around there's no money trouble, no coercion, no veil of ignorance; Porsche knows exactly what he's getting himself into when he comes back.

Freely chosen.

[shadale-s-safe-space]

What was Z and AleX's first kiss like? Was it really awkward or more romantic?

(Ps. I love your artstyle! It brings me so much joy to look at it :] )

First of all THANK YOU A LOT, I LOVE YOU PEOPLE SO FUCKING MUCH, at this point you guys are my enablers for this stuff.

Idk on what kind of drugs I am but every page that I've drawn looks fucking hilarious to me. I just can't stop laughing over it, especially the one where Z holds a flower up. I've been legit laughing to tears every time I look at it idk why. Also sorry for fucking up the kiss I tried I guess.

Okay so Z has a history of bad relationships in his past, when he asked AleX if they could hang later he meant in a friendly way more than anything. In reality he wasn't that interested in her. But while they were talking AleX had been sending him mixed messages, she seemed annoyed, not interested in what he was talking about. He kinda felt like he was bothering her more than anything. Kinda feeling like his friendship request is being rejected, just as he was about to say " Sorry for bothering you, I'll leave" she turns to him and asks if they could see each other tomorrow. Surprised by her request, he says yes anyway, maybe she just wasn't feeling like hanging out today.

Tomorrow comes, and he actually shows up and sees a completely different person in front of him. She was jumping, happy, maybe even overjoyed, she was all over him. Confused by this, he wasn't sure what he was getting himself into.

He finally realizes he wasn't asked to come hang around he was asked on a date. He swears she didn't blink once while looking at him.

Eh whatever, he'd been trough worse and a lot of one-offs before, since he wasn't even that interested he decided to just be himself and at least have a fun time. If the date is what she wants, a date she will get.

And in fact, they did have fun, maybe more than he was expecting, even thought he managed to do one or two stupid things.

Oh. Whoopsies, sorry.

You don't have to say sorry every time.

It was kinda weird that Z was apologizing for very small things, it was new to her, No one ever apologized for doing worse. But it felt nice, Z appreciated her forgiveness a lot, and actually felt comfortable being himself for once.

Everything was great untill....

He doesn't know why, but he just had an urge to pick one.

Not understanding why he even picked a flower in the first place, he gives it to AleX, eh whatever girls like flowers.

Bro I can't this image is funny af I can't breathe fuck literally cryin rn.

Okay... he wasn't expecting that reaction.

She can't be serious about this, I mean, he's known her for like a day or two.

But he did have a good time with her, didn't regret a moment they've spent together. Maybe he does like her after all.

She fell in love the moment she saw him, he fell in love with her on their first date.

THEN ROBO GOD DROPPED FROM THE SKY WITH A SICK ASS LOOKING GUITAR AND HIS BAND OF ROBO ANGELS AND THEY PLAYED STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN WHILE ROBO JESUS EVEN FLOWED ON A SKATEBOARD AROUND THEM.

I DECLARE IT AS CANON

Lol sorry the images look ugly af I legit can't. What have I done. I'm in tears omfg.

[hummingbird-games]

Postmortem: #CrushedVN Edition

Okie doke y'all! It's been some time so I guess we're good to dissect this project!

(I almost didn't bother with writing this up, but at the end of the day I do the dev diaries and the random--game development related--posts for me to look back on and prove I'm learning. Getting better. Not regressing. So. Might as well move forward!)

Background/Inspiration

It's like if you took my late 2022 brain and threw it into a blender!! Most of these are self-explanatory (Boys Love media I adore with emphasis on early to late teen experiences.) Let me draw your attention to The Edge Of Seventeen: not sure how many times I've rewatched, but it makes me tear up every single time. Main character Nadine is awkward AF, still hasn't come to terms with the death of her father years prior, isn't on the best terms with her mom or her older brother, and even ends up on rocky terms with her best friend too!! Anyway, that feeling of being young, and a little angry and a little sad and not feeling quite right on the inside but eventually reaching a place where things fiiiiiinally start to work out...it's just a sliver of what I wanted to capture and infuse into Crushed.

Listen y'all, I just pulled and pulled and pulled from real life experiences. I was inspired by authors Julian Winters, Leah Johnson, and Jay Coles' works (all Young Adult authors LOL! Fitting since I seem to be creating things for the teens at this juncture in my life). This all provided the base for Corey and his inner world. Also, I've been wanting to create a bookworm character...no time like the present right???

As for deciding to specifically create a boys' love visual novel of all things?? First, y'all must understand that I fought the original idea and anything related to it. This was coming off the heels of me suddenly seeing (another) wave of players throwing fits about indie games forcing you to play as a femme character. First off, no one is forcing you to do anything. Secondly, we are still at a point in video games where the majority of characters you play as are male. Forgive some of us for wanting a little variety 😑Thirdly, for those looking for games where there's even more inclusivity (choosing pronouns, playing as nonbinary/trans, and etc) I really wish that players would seek out those games that ARE being made and support them so the developers don't lose steam and drop their projects. It's so disheartening to make something that's meant to be consumed and BOOM, silence.

Anyway, all of that to say that as a developer herself who's tired of watching girls' media be regulated as Less Than, made fun of, and just overall disrespected, I wasn't interested in making any games that didn't center a female character. But back to my main point!!!

I had Heartstopper, the webtoon, infecting my brain. I was so not immune to falling in love with Nick and Charlie like everybody else. But then I was hit for the 34573847th time that I was engaging with white queer media. And I knew that if Nick and Charlie were Black Brits, they wouldn't be getting half the attention they are now. Even less if the boys were girls and we had a sapphic relationship on our hands. (But that sapphic story from Hummingbird Games is still brewing, and Corey and Jacob's story was ready first.)

Also....the biphobia is real. It's insidious. I could write a whole book about how the straights and the gays need to get their shit together. I could then write a sequel about how the Black community can be some of the worst offenders when it comes to our Bi Fam and say some of the most ignorant and devastating things. But I had limited time on my hands and decided to write a short VN instead. Once I let Corey just be, exist as the person he is, everything fell into place.

Things That Went Right...

I took a very niche, very Specific To Me, very nestled in the space between my heart and my brain and wrote a script just so I could be a part of a game jam specifically highlighting and supporting the work of Black game developers.

And I submitted the bitch on time.

I'm always down for anxiety rep!!! As a fellow anxiety haver, I say the more visibility the better!!! At the same time, it's not a one size fits all, and there were some things I dealt with that I'd never seen depicted and I figured I might as well be true to my experiences. Maybe someone would take solace in Corey the way I've taken solace in other characters for reflecting my lived experiences.

I tried new things I was scared of or didn't have time for with HSD or didn't feel confident enough to sit and learn previously: partial voice acting (and holding auditions to incorporate more), a text message system (which wasn't my own but part of learning to code for me means being able to take what others have done and replicate and/or use it myself), and implementing music and sound effects with intention. I've done it with film, but games are a close cousin in a lot of ways. A LOT of ways. I should remember that.

I still didn't do too well in the marketing department but for this game, it didn't feel like a failure. I also didn't really try. Oops. I've got to do better. I went into Crushed knowing it wouldn't have half the audience HSD does, and yet the feedback I've received for Crushed has made me want to break down into tears of relief.

I launched the game around 10 something at night my time and proceeded to be sick with anxiety for about 3 days. For three whole days I legit felt like I was going to die. And then I wanted to laugh because didn't I just make a game to express a version of the human condition?

Things That Were Different...

HSD showed off my skills when it comes to intensive planning and sticking mostly to that plan. Crushed was a jam entry that became more extensive over time and found me flying off the seat of my pants.

I also had less (aha, zero???) budget this time around. Because again. Jam entry. It wasn't supposed to be a Big Affair. But now that it's over and out to you guys, I'm not mad. You could say that it all worked out.

If I Could Go Back, I Would...

For one, I would have smacked the voice in my head that said "let's add more voice acting now". I love the feature, but there's no reason why I couldn't have done auditions after release. I was impatient and restless waiting for art assets, and my idleness led me to take on more things just to not feel useless. I Have Learned My Lesson, thanks.

I Had The Pleasure of Learning...

There will always be an obstacle in the way of game development. (And sometimes your body will be your own worst enemy, yuck.)

I don't know who my audience is (yet) for HBG but I'm always a part of it. And that's not a bad thing. If I hadn't felt so strongly about Crushed or even HSD, neither project would have happened because I would have given up a long time ago.

To the Future...

Empasis on future, but the world of Crushed isn't exhausted. It lives in the bigger universe of HSD:JY but took on a life of its own. So it's no surprise that Corey and his friends became even more precious to me. Not that I know when I'll be able to work on it, but right after finishing and publishing the demo, I outlined a rough draft for a kinetic novel sequel told through Jacob's POV. In my head, Corey's story was always half of a whole, and busting out Jacob's outline so quickly confirmed that.

(What I didn't anticipate was how loved Oke and Keegan would be, or that there would be a want for their story outside of myself??? Between us and this postmortem, I hope to sort out their deal and get the satisfaction of seeing another type of love story/dynamic I can't get enough of and share it!)

Closing Thoughts

The comments I've gotten concerning Crushed and noting the appreciation for its slice-of-life/grounded-ness is reassuring! Maybe I'll branch out to other genres, but realism will be something I always come back to. Also, making Crushed wasn't too traumatic soooooo that means I'm still making games LOL! Can't get rid of me yet!

- Gemini 💛

(some links of other posts where I went on tangents concerning the creation of Crushed; these can also be found by searching the tag "crushed vn"!)

Music Inspo and Crushed

Memes Tag Game

Game Dev Commentary: Bonus Content

[impossibleprincess35]

20, 28,39

OMG, heyyyyyy! Thank you for the asks! :D <3

20. Who holds a grudge the longest? Definitely Satine. She can be very forgiving, but at her core, she’s a fiery force of nature, and when she’s done wrong personally, she can take it to heart. She’ll come around in time, but it takes a bit. That being said, even when she and Obi-Wan fight, her grudge doesn’t last long. Between them, there’s a sense of unconditional forgiveness because they understand that their paths in life often pull them in differing directions, and if they’re to have any sort of friendship or closeness, they have to often move forward and let shit go. Doesn’t mean they won’t talk shit to each other, though. ;)

28. Do they get along with each other's friends and family? Well, what constitutes for family, sure. Qui-Gon and Satine took some time to develop a close relationship, but he became like a father figure to her in many ways. Anakin has always been touch and go with Satine. He doesn't mind her, in fact he kind of thinks she's awesome, but Obi-Wan draws a line there that prevents Anakin and Satine from getting too close. (Partly because of the Jedi Code, and partly because if they both became friendly what would they divulge about him to each other?!) Obi-Wan and Bo-Katan are frigid, but they eventually thaw a little bit; and Korkie has a strong bond with Obi-Wan. But luckily, these two don't have to do an awkward "meet the parents" sorta deal. As far as friends go, their mutuals are all great, but she doesn't have the luxury of socializing with other Jedi, and he doesn't have the luxury of socializing with other system leaders. So, that's a whole part of their lives that is a bit restricted from one another.

39. What other couple would your otp get along with the best? I think they’d have a lot in common with Peggy Carter and Steve Rogers from the MCU. Both Satine and Peggy are very strong willed, independent women who blaze trails in their roles, and they happen to fall in love with men who are both driven by their moral compass and who sacrifice themselves to do the right thing. The longing, the pining, and the mourning that they have is so similar to me. (In the SW fandom, I think Obi-Wan and Satine are very good friends with Bail and Breha Organa. There’s a great deal of respect shared between them, but on a personal level, it is impossible to dislike Bail. He’s just that awesome. Breha and Satine have most certainly crossed paths many times, ruling planets/systems. And Obi-Wan is charming AF. They have great wine and charcuterie nights.)

[fountainpenguin]

"So I'll stay unforgiven and I'll keep love together..."

---

New Frayed Knots chapter today!

Chapter 33 - “This Close to Heaven”

Read on FFN || Read on AO3

---

Anti-Fairy migration season has begun! Anti-Cosmo is set on chatting with his grandmother Anti-Miranda, who had a civil Fairy partner before the war, in case she can lend some advice about his current feelings.

However, that's not the only awkward conversation he'll be having... He's also requesting Anti-Wanda's forgiveness, denying the fact he saved Prince Eastkal's life, dodging Jorgen's questions, facing his nagging mother, and more! Check it out!

(First 1,000 words under the cut)

This Close to Heaven

In which Anti-Cosmo declares vla with Anti-Wanda, speaks with Nana Anti-Miranda, reunites with Prince Eastkal, and more in the Winter of the Scattered Whispers

---

Migration season found me in Cedarcross, hovering awkwardly around the registration table where Anti-Wanda sat near the ballroom… she filling a seat I'd long grown familiar with seeing Anti-Praxis hold before his death. I didn't spy her father Anti-Buster pacing anywhere nearby… He must be off with the High Count somewhere. Which made sense… In Salalalyn's temple, Anti-Bryndin would be channelling Winni right about now. Keeping an extra eye on him wouldn't go unrewarded.

"Go on without me," I'd told Anti-Lance. "I'll only be a moment… I just want to share a thought with Anti-Wanda."

So my colony had left me, moving deeper into the mountain tunnels of Cedarcross… I waited with Anti-Wanda at the top of the twin staircases. She had paperwork to file. Understandable. Migration season is the camarilla court's busiest time of the average year, minus the Seven Festivals every turn of the zodiac cycle. I watched over her shoulder, my hands clasped behind her back, as she filled line after line with thick scratches of ink. She wrote in… Well, it wasn't an official script, but I think I'd describe it as attempted Vatajasa. You know, that made sense… Anti-Bryndin spoke Vatajasa as his native tongue. It had always been the true language of the Anti-Fairies: the one Anti-Shylinda created for us rather than one the Fairies had thrust in our direction. Vatajasa didn't fully exist in written form. Not in a way that would make sense to a modern hand. Anti-Wanda clearly knew this, but she did her best to force the pieces into place with literal transcriptions and pronunciations. She wrote some things I couldn't even translate, which left me feeling slow and dumb alongside her.

"Whatcha want?" she finally grunted at me. Anti-Wanda wore an itchy blue sweater today. This whole time, she'd been leaning her cheek against her hand. She didn't even look at me. "Did ya come to change your name?"

I blinked. "What?" Now that the rest of my colony had skimmed off, we were alone at the top of the elegant stairs. Anti-Wanda, the table, her stack of parchment, and flickering yellow torches made up the entirety of our space… The only figure that even remotely looked like another creature was the massive statue of a sheep rearing back on its hooves, which stood below us between the two curved staircases. She had to be talking to me.

"Your name. You declaring it in the papers, or are you still stealing one that don't belong to you?"

I frowned, saying nothing for a moment. "Oh, no. I see the confusion, but that isn't what I wanted to discuss tonight. Firstly, I wondered if I could get the arrival records for some relatives of mine, and secondly, I need to declare vla. It can wait until you have a moment."

"Anti-Robin checked in not long ago with the anti-pixies. Your mum's Blue Castle colony, but I guess you knew that."

I forced on a patient smile. "Not those relatives."

"Which ones, then?"

"My nana, Anti-Miranda. Possibly also my uncle, Anti-Harold Anti-Lunifly."

"Is he married?"

"Yes- To his honey-lock partner, Anti-Potter Anti-Whistlewings. All three of them lived in Oakfall Town while my mother was young, then relocated to the Far West after the marriage to Anti-Bryndin. I rarely see them. Did they arrive at migration this year?"

Anti-Wanda picked at one of her buck teeth with the flat of her thumb, frowning. She started moving scrolls and stray pieces of parchment around her registration table. I tilted my head, wondering if it would be impolite to join her. After a moment of running her fingers over scribbled names, Anti-Wanda found what she was looking for.

"Your aunt and uncle… Huh. Yeah, here's that. They lead the Anti-Lunifly colony. They's got a kid: Anti-Estella. Sound right?"

"Yes, she's my cousin. She does charity work in Thornpetal Town." That sounded more polite than calling her a soda addict who flirted with anti-wisps because she couldn't keep a partner, let alone a colony. "If I'm not mistaken, her child is living with her." Anti-Estella had only visited me twice when I was growing up, but since her son Calem was two zodiac cycles older than me, it was easier to think of him as my cousin instead of her.

"Yep. Grown into his adult wings about ten thousand years back. Says here his name is Anti-Lyren. That's a drake's name, ain't it?" Anti-Wanda waved that scrap of the scroll in my direction. She didn't try to smile, not attempt to disguise the heaviness beneath her eyes. Hm. I arched my brows, trying not to point that out.

"Yes, and thank you. Anti-Lyren attends migration every year, but I wasn't sure if his mother or grandparents would bother. They're a mite reserved and all three speak very little Snobbish. Speaking of, do you know anything about Anti-Miranda? She was born an Anti-Twigfall, though she's never been much interested in colony life. She didn't even want to pass along her family name."

Anti-Wanda checked her notes again, looking bored. "Anti-Talonstrike colony. They got here yesterday. And earlier I saw this Anti-Jasper guy with his colony of Anti-Luniflys with him. More family of yours?"

I smiled thinly. "Something like that. Anti-Jasper is my nana's honey-lock partner, but they lead separate lives. He visits me on occasion, though he's much closer to my cousin Anti-Poof; my mother was the youngest of his three children, you know, and frankly my father's father Anti-Gonzo can be a bit territorial of me when Anti-Jasper comes around. Oh, but you don't care for any of that political dribble! Ta, mate! I can't thank you enough. I have so many questions for them. You're marvellous, darling. Keep up the great work."

"Whoop de fritz," she clipped, tightening her eyelids shut. She leaned back against the registration table, digging her talons into its underside. "Praise don't mean a lot right now. This works out for you just fine, though…"

My smile faltered. "How do you mean?"

"I mean that tonight's the last time I'm working this desk job, so I guess I'm not gonna be the one who has a problem with your stolen name anymore. At least not 'til you're dead." Anti-Wanda stood then and grabbed her navy blue jacket from the end of the table. This, she began stuffing her arms and wings into. I drew back just to avoid her big, stomping boots landing on my bare toes. "Anti-Bryndin spoke with the Head Pixie yesterday to finish everything. I guess he and his pixies are taking over our paperwork now. Not just this migration, but every year after, too… A.B. signed a contract."

[Cnt'd on FFN / AO3 - Links at top]

[foggyparadisecandy]

Self-care post

I decided to change things up tonight. So for those of you who were looking forward to the nightly meltdown, I'm going to disappoint you.

Sorry, not sorry. lol

Instead, every time I think of her, I'm going to write one positive thing about myself in this post.

So you can creep up and down this and see what an egomaniac I am.

Actually ... these days, I'm barely holding on so not really feeling like an egomaniac. I apologize if this seems overly narcissistic but I have to break my cycles.

I take great care of my friends.

I am loyal as hell to people I love.

I have done many random acts of kindness in the last seven days.

I forgive easily - unless you keep doing the offending thing and then "nope."

I love deeply and passionately.

I am romantic as hell.

I care and nurture.

I am tender.

I have always taken great care of my girlfriends in the bedroom. :)

I am told I am sweet and kind.

I took a girl who wanted to be degraded and lifted her up - despite the ending, it was a lovely thing to see.

I am a great kisser.

I am smart.

I am funny af.

I am a great problem solver.

I make friends easily - although I don't remember names so well sometimes!

I read a lot.

I write a lot.

Luckily, I type fast as hell. lol.

I write pretty hot little non-con, hypno stories! mmmm

I am pretty damn good at hypnosis.

I like to think about and focus on big things.

I like to let small things go.

I am a great friend to have.

I have made a good life.

I love experiences more than money.

I am people smart and usually have a good sense for others.

I set big goals.

I work hard and smart to reach goals.

I am tolerant.

I love diversity.

I love strong women.

I believe in equality.

I believe in love over hate.

I believe in forgiveness over grudges.

I believe everyone has something to offer even if they aren't sure what it is - maybe it's just being a friend to someone else - sometimes that's enough in life.

I have been absolutely blessed with kind strangers sending me encouraging words and even having extremely deep conversations where I have hashed out all my damage over and over. Bless all of you kind souls - ty ty ty! You have meant so much to restoring my faith in myself and my worldview and people in general.

I believe life has meaning and we all need to find our meaning.

I believe people can be trusted - until they prove otherwise.

I believe good people can fuck up and still be good people.

I like to find the good in all people - even if they sometimes are struggling to find it themselves.

I give to food banks.

I donate to public broadcasting.

I volunteer for things.

I engage others who look like they want to join in on things so they don't feel awkward.

LOL fuck do I think about her a lot. Welp. That was about two hours worth of thoughts of her. God help me.

Although looking through this list ... honestly ... this was kind of useful. I am a really decent person to have in your corner.

I feel awful for her and her trauma. I wish she could shake free of it for a minute and remember who I am and what we did together and how much more we could do.

I have a deep well of compassion for people. Especially those who I find to be special and unique and those I love.

I don't pray but if there is a god, I hope she helps my former partner find peace and comfort and navigate the damage her parents did to her.

I would love that for her.

[televinita]

Abbott Elementary Finale

I feel like I should have more thoughts than I do? I have a lot of words. But they’re circular and repetitive, so forgive me, my tv analysis skills are rusty AF and I probably shouldn’t post this but I want A Record of it so I am.

my reaction to them not moving forward is... I’m tired. I think I’m honestly still too sore about the stupid waste of a first kiss on top of the ridiculously unnecessary Bad Relationships that ate up so much of season 2 -- you can be unspoken committed future life partners who are just coincidentally single at the same time, it’s okay, you don’t need A Reason to not be dating yet, literally hundreds of fictional law enforcement members and similar work colleagues have set this precedent already! --  to actually...care about this?

Like, fine, whatever. Follow the tired end-of-season-2 speed bump expectation for a broadcast sitcom if you must; I thought you were going to do something new but I guess it probably wouldn’t have been satisfying to miss out on the beginning of their relationship over the summer anyway. I’m not even gonna be mad about her ~selfish era~ because frankly it is beneath me, too silly to notice. I hear what some people are saying about her needing time to be single, but I also think that is what all of season 2 should already have been. Girl didn’t need experience having a rebound relationship; a woman can be a serial monogamist and still know herself, especially if she has several months to experience being single in between.

(I remain clueless and perhaps a tad bitter about her accepting a date with whatshsname in the first place, let alone a second. what is there. neither brains nor even a particularly attractive, as opposed to fine/average/neutral, visage.)

But my actual reaction is more like...okay, whatever. You do you, I don’t have the necessary emotional investment to be reactive about this. (which, frankly, is kind of a relief given my fandom history of OTP hysteria. but also kind of sad in “am I grown up?” way.) (no. it’s the insufficiently impactful writing that is wrong)

The real problem is that now I don’t really...see how they come back from this? Like short of life endangerment, which feels unlikely, I don’t see what would propel her into being ready to date him in the future (clearly seeing him with other women isn’t enough!), and I really can’t imagine him hanging onto Jim-level pining at this point (he’s not even good at it now; a woman says hi and he’s like “I am now honor bound to date you until you get tired of it”). I feel like once you get over outright rejection and recalibrate your feelings into firmly Just Friends zone, it’s kind of hard to shift back.

All of this is projection for the fact that I might have lost my shipper designs on them as a result, a bummer because I was really enjoying the tantalizing slow burn (even my brain wouldn’t jump ahead to imagining them kissing, it was very “shhh not yet, we’ll get there, enjoy the awkward blushy stage and the Secret Longing Looks a while longer”), and now there is just such a hard reset that I feel like a light physically turned off.

End result I am zero percent sad about it being over the year, despite this having previously been the highlight of my week, and will happily forget it exists until September.

P.S. I still can’t believe they came up with SLEEPOVER SETTING!!, the dream of the workplace mockumentary show that normally would have zero percent chance to show our OTP lying down next to each other, and just squandered it. I said I wasn’t mad and I’m mostly not, but this specific concept does in fact grind my gears a little.