#Evil Genius Lance

[glorfindel-of-imladris]

(tw: death, gore, horror)

I love how downright creepy Sauron is.

He's your neighbourhood psychopathic genius, a skilled sorcerer whose allegiance was realigned once (to his true alignment imo) and then never since waivered.

Unlike Morgoth, who was more straightforward in his execution, Sauron's style is insidious, and in a sense more horrific for how slow and personal his tactics can be. His temper is such that he can play the long game, even play at being weak in order to earn trust or make his enemies complacent, and then next thing you know he has an old friend's corpse up as a war banner, or he has sunk a once great island down the Sea.

He bred the Orcs. Tolkien played with different version of the origin of Orcs, but what I like best is the version where they were corrupted Men, maybe even Elves, and although they were Melkor's idea, it was Sauron who had the ability, patience and tenacity to make the idea come to fruition.

He built cults. Do you know what cults are like? How they draw people in, what they make people believe, what they get people to do? From an outsider looking in it must have looked truly bizarre, but Sauron was able to turn a powerful nation against the Valar and painted Morgoth as the true god. Eru Ilúvatar was denied as a false god, and the Valar made to be liars. There were blood sacrifices, human sacrifices—all for a religion Sauron invented, but was so successful that, once Númenor was gone, Sauron brought the cult with him to Middle-earth.

He was called The Necromancer. What made him garner the title? Who gave it to him, and what had they seen? Surely the Nazgûl were not the first of their kind, not when the Nine were already so well-made. What manner of experimentation had Sauron done in order to make them, and what did the "failures" look like? What knowledge did he use to corrupt and circumvent the Gift of Ilúvatar, which gave Men free will and death, allowing their spirits to transcend Arda? And yet the Nazgûl were unable to die, and as wraiths they also lost their free will, bound to Sauron and the call of the Ring.

He corrupted kings. He corrupted his own kind. Curumo could not have been the only one, and we know Curumo was a powerful Maia in his own right, the leader of the Istari. Sauron played mind games with the best of people, and won. His ability to seduce even the most powerful beings and get them in his service was unparalleled.

Now imagine being a native of Mordor and witnessing the poisoning of the lands. And then an age later, imagine being from one of the villages around Rhovanion and experiencing the slow haunting of Amon Lanc. At least the Eldar could see Sauron and his agents; none of the Men can do so. What defense did the common Man have against such insidious evil? There must only have been odd sensations, a dread settling in, dreams that lure them in before turning into nightmares.

[the-wize-1]

Thawing the Widow (A Natasha Romanoff Story): Chapter 8 - Purely Coincidence

Chapter Summary: Cat starts classes at Midtown High, where she recognizes a certain someone.

Chapter Warnings: None

Notes: This is for everyone wanting more Peter! Let me know if there is something else you want to see too! Updates are slow as I’m on vacation right now but I’ll try to crank out what I can!

Thawing the Widow Masterlist

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March - One week later - Rosewood Elementary

“You’re gonna be taking classes at the high school?” T.J. said incredulously.

“Yup.”

“Are you a genius or something?” Lance demanded.

“Pretty much,” Cat said. “But I’m still gonna be coming here, only Mr. Radd from the office is driving me to the high school for a couple of classes a day.”

Lance’s eyes were wide. “Whoa.”

To her surprise and slight pleasure, Cat had slotted in well with her table group. T.J. came off as sweet and quiet, but Cat found out that he had his share of eye-rolling and wry side comments. This was especially present during Chelsea’s long rants about the most frivolous inconveniences, like how she found the school’s water fountains “disgusting” and “unseemly” for a person “of her stature.”

Lance had been right about Chelsea. Seriously, the girl thought she was a big deal or something. Most everyone at the school was well-off— Cat didn’t know why Natasha had chosen to enroll her in such a preppy elementary school— but Chelsea’s parents were dripping in wealth, a fact that Chelsea liked to shove in everyone’s faces. They dressed her up like a doll, in frilly, pastel clothes and matching shoes. Coupled with her auburn curls and doe eyes, she looked like a princess. A spoiled, smack-talking, evil-hearted princess.

Every time Chelsea made a Chelsea-like comment, Lance and Cat would lock eyes and exchange a series of silent mocking, which made her presence bearable. Meanwhile, Lance and Cat got along like a house on fire. He was the class troublemaker— a position that Cat both respected and was vying for. However, Cat’s quick wit and cutting remarks balanced them out.

Their table group was located at the furthest corner of the classroom, making it an ideal location for hushed conversations during boring lessons. Currently, Mrs. Reynolds was lecturing the class about negative numbers. The worksheets they’d been given were things Cat could’ve finished in her sleep.

“How are you so smart?” T.J. asked.

Cat tapped her head. “Perfect memory. I can remember stuff like that.” She emphasized the last part of her sentence by snapping.

“That’s not even possible,” Chelsea dismissed. “There’s no such thing as a perfect memory.”

Cat turned on her. “Explain to me how I have one, then.”

“You don’t, obviously.”

“I so do.”

“Don’t!”

“Do!”

“Cat, Chelsea,” Mrs. Reynolds warned from the front of the class, stopping mid-lecture. Half the class turned to look at them. This was a common occurrence. “Are you paying attention?”

“Sorry, Mrs. Reynolds,” Chelsea simpered, widening her eyes innocently. Her entire persona had changed in less than a second. “It won’t happen again.”

“Suck-up,” Cat muttered once Mrs. Reynolds had turned.

“Least I’m not a liar,” Chelsea fired back.

“I’m not a liar. I can prove it.”

“Don’t bother. It’s ridiculous, anyway,” Chelsea said, crossing her arms. “You’re just trying to get attention.”

“Look who’s talking.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Which high school is it?” T.J. intervened smoothly, like he’d done a hundred times.

“Midtown School of Science and Technology,” Cat replied, throwing Chelsea a smug smile.

Lance perked up. “My sister goes there! It’s a really fancy school.”

“If it’s called a ‘School of Science and Technology’, don’t they only teach science and technology there?” Chelsea asked. “How’re you gonna learn math and social studies? You’ll be so behind.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Cat retorted scathingly. “Obviously they teach math, too. Just because it’s a science and technology school doesn't mean—”

“GIRLS!” Mrs. Reynolds yelled tiredly from the front of the classroom. “Don’t make me separate you two!”

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

March - that day - Midtown High

The boy in her chemistry class was definitely staring at her.

Actually, half the class was staring at her, due to the lovely introduction Mrs. Whatsherface (Cat hadn’t caught her name) was currently giving her.

“Class, this is our new student, Cat. She’s only ten years old and she’s going to be attending Midtown High for the rest of the year. Now, you’re all responsible high schoolers. I expect all of you to welcome her warmly. I don’t want to hear about any mistreatment going on behind my back…”

Cat zoned out. She’d heard a similar speech given in her Algebra and English classes. Here’s the weird freaky-smart fourth-grader, please don’t eat her alive. So she was used to the staring by now. That didn’t mean it had stopped freaking her out. She wasn’t going to lie and say she wasn’t intimidated by the high schoolers. They were so much taller and older than her. They felt like giants. They talked about things that she didn’t know the slightest about.

Some of the nice ones tried to befriend her, but these occasions were more awkward than not. They tended to talk to her like she was their five-year-old cousin at Thanksgiving dinner, which did not make a strong friendship foundation. Cat just stared at them until they backed away slowly. And so the staring continued.

But the boy wasn’t staring at her in the judgemental, why-are-you-here way she’d grown accustomed to. Instead, he looked confused. His brow was wrinkled as if he wasn’t sure which item to order off the menu at a restaurant. His gaze followed her as Mrs. Whatsherface gestured for her to take a seat at the same table as his.

A Filipino kid next to the boy gave her a friendly smile. “Hi,” he said. “I’m Ned.” He glanced at the boy and nudged him.

The boy started. “I’m Peter.”

He looked away then, but Cat was aware of his frequent glances towards her as Mrs. Whatsherface started the lesson. She ignored it, instead focusing on scribbling down notes in the lab notebook as required and writing observations in the worksheet that had been passed out. She had never learned the material before; it was all very interesting. Still, Peter’s staring was getting a lot less subtle.

Cat’s head finally snapped up, returning his gaze with an unblinking stare of her own. “What is it?”

“Sorry,” he said immediately, head falling back down to his work.

When his eyes found its way back to her less than a minute later, she hissed, “What?”

“Sorry,” he repeated, looking away. “I just thought I recognized you.”

As he spoke, Cat thought she might’ve recognized him too.

Ever since she was little, Cat had been able to recall the exact pitch and inflection of any voice she’d ever heard. That statement, and the sound of his voice, triggered something in her memory. The boy’s voice was a lot more subdued and quiet from when she’d heard it last, but her memory had never failed her before. It only took her thirteen and a half seconds to correctly match the voice to the person.

Spider-Man.

Cat had to physically restrain herself from gasping and yelling something out that wouldn’t be appropriate in a school setting. It took an impressive amount of self-control to bite the inside of her cheek, give the boy a weird look and shrug as nothing had happened, and turn back to her work. But instead of writing down the answer to number 5 on the lab worksheet, Cat stared blankly at the page, an internal turmoil whirling inside of her.

She trusted her memory, but she couldn’t help thinking, Seriously? This high schooler, of all people? This is… Spider-Man? No— more accurately— Spider-Boy .

When she’d met him, she’d guessed that he was young, but she hadn’t thought he’d still be in high school. That was… young, right? Or was that normal? Cat thought back to the Avengers she’d met— Hawkeye had for sure been older than a high schooler. He’d looked about the same age as Trevor. Cat knew Natasha was kind of young, which made sense. You couldn’t fight aliens and robots if you had aching bones and stiff knees.

But still— a high schooler? In the grand scheme of things, that was barely older than her. How old were high schoolers again? Fourteen to eighteen?

Cat risked a look up at him. Peter was scribbling on the page, almost done with the problems on the worksheet. He had brown hair with a slight curl to it, and eyes without the slightest hint of malice in them. He wore a crewneck sweatshirt over a collared shirt. He dressed like a stereotypical nerd, but Cat noticed he was built athletically and had a slight, yet muscular figure. Despite this, he didn’t look anything like what she’d expect a superhero to look.

For example, Cat could tell just by looking at Natasha that she was an Avenger. Even out of her Black Widow garb and dressed in civilian clothes, she was strikingly intimidating and gave off an important, self-assured air. Peter looked like any random high schooler. Not even any random high schooler— a high schooler who was made fun of by bullies.

Like a lightbulb turning on, Cat recalled something interesting that had taken place outside of class. She’d been on her way to class, when a preppy-looking boy— Flash, his friends had called him— rolled up in an expensive car, jeering at Peter. They yelled out names at him. One had stood out to Cat— “Penis Parker.” The insult was neither funny nor creative, but it made Flash’s hoard of goonies roar with laughter. Peter had ignored them, but it was clear he was used to this kind of charade.

“Now you’re the one staring at me,” Peter/Spider-Boy said, and Cat realized with a start that she’d been caught.

“Yeah, uh,” Cat stalled, still frazzled by the realization. “I think I recognize you too.”

At this seemingly innocent statement, Peter's eyes widened, and a look of wild panic passed over his face. He started stammering. “Uh— wait, really? That’s, um, that’s so weird.”

He suddenly launched into a coughing fit, bent-double over the table. Ned clapped him on the back, hard. Peter lurched forward and his lab goggles came off. In one swift, fluid motion, he swiped them before they could smash onto the floor. Mrs. Whatsherface hurried over to make sure everything was okay as Peter’s coughing subsided. While this happened, Cat couldn’t help but feel a bit unimpressed with him. Was he really this bad at disguising his reactions? If Cat hadn’t already figured it out by then, she would have certainly been suspicious of his actions.

“Dude,” Ned muttered, “you good?”

“Y-yeah. I’m fine.”

“Good,” Mrs. Whatsherface said, relieved. She looked over his worksheet and smiled at him. “Done already? Keep it up, Peter.”

Peter, Cat thought. The name echoed in her head. Peter Parker.

She knew Spider-Man’s real identity.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

Cat was not stalking Peter Parker.

She just happened to be walking in the same direction as him when she saw him leaving campus. And followed him when he turned a corner. And idled on the same street when he stopped to pay a vendor for a hot dog. And… okay, maybe she was stalking Peter Parker.

But Cat was curious. Questions had been springing up in her head all day. Had she gotten it wrong, or was Peter Parker really Spider-Man? And if he was, how did he do it all— manage school and Spider-Man-ing? When Cat wanted to find something out, there was nothing she wouldn’t push out of her path to get to it.

She was careful to stay a few paces behind him, but he seemed to know someone was following him. His strides became longer and hastier, and he frequently cast looks behind his shoulder. He never saw Cat— she was too short to be quickly picked out from the crowded sidewalk, but she could tell he was wary.

Eventually, he stopped. He crossed the street and headed into a library. Cat lingered at the steps of the library for a few moments, waiting to see if he would come out. When it became clear that he wasn’t planning to leave anytime soon, she followed him in.

A rush of warmth hit her as she came in through the doors. She hadn’t been in this particular library before. It was small, colorful, and cozy. She did some exploring, wandering the shelves while keeping an eye out for Peter. There were beanbags and bright stuffed animals in the children’s section. A row of computers lined a table. There was a section of tables in the corner of the library. And finally— there!

Spotting a head of brown curls, Cat crouched behind a shelf of books and watched him. He was sitting alone at an isolated table, scribbling in a notebook. Earbuds were hanging from his ears, and his head was bobbing to the beat. There was a laptop open in front of him. Every now and then, he would punch numbers into a calculator. He looked like he was doing his Algebra homework. Not doing any things that screamed, Hey, look! I’m Spider-Man!

Cat looked away, disappointed. Her gaze fell on a small nub of an eraser lying on a table. She got an idea. Palming the eraser, she walked closer to Peter’s table, positioning herself so that she was perpendicularly behind him. The section of tables was mostly empty. There was only a sprinkling of people, none seated near Peter’s table, all so concentrated on their work that they paid her no attention.

Cat rolled the eraser around in her fingers, peering at the boy. Her aim was usually dead-on— she had an uncanny knack for darts. She lined up her arm to her target, and lobbed the eraser at Peter. The eraser had barely left her hand before there was a flash of movement. Cat, expecting it, saw it as if it happened in slow motion.

The calculator dropped onto the table with a clatter. Peter spun around in his chair, almost faster than Cat could comprehend, and caught the eraser inches before it hit his face. His eyes flitted across the room, searching for the thrower. It didn’t take him long to find her. It wasn’t Cat’s intention to hide— and even if it was, there was hardly anything to hide behind. She looked right into his eyes, and saw the suspicion replaced by startled confusion.

She walked up to him. He was a lot taller up close. He looked at her, clearly expecting an explanation for randomly chucking an eraser at his head. She was instantly seized with a bout of anxiety. Perhaps she should have prepared a speech. What was she planning to say to him? She fumbled for the right words. It had to be the right combination of intelligence, humor, and comprehensiveness. She couldn’t mess this up.

“Hi,” she said.

Nailed it.

“Hi,” he responded reflexively.

“I’m Cat. We have the same chem.”

“I know.” He glanced behind him, towards the doors of the library. A frown came over his face. “I’m confused. Did you follow me here?”

“Kind of. Maybe. Well, yes. Nice catch, by the way,” she added.

He held up the eraser. “Did you—”

“I did, yeah.” Now what? “Listen. I know you’re Spider-Man,” she whispered impulsively, in a volume so low that she could barely hear herself.

Peter seemed to have heard her as clearly as if she’d just shouted it across the room. He jerked away from her like she told him that she had a contagious disease. His mouth opened, then snapped shut with a close. His head snapped from side to side, his eyes darting across the room again, making sure no one had heard.

He leaned in closer, and Cat could tell he was about to deny it. “That’s not—”

“And there’s nothing you can say that will make me change my mind,” she said hastily, talking over him, “because I’m completely sure about it. And you know me, you said yourself you recognize me, because you saved my—”

He made a series of frantic waving motions with his hands, eyes bugged out of his head. “Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! SHHHHH!”

In the stillness of the library, his wild movements and volume caused a series of heads to swivel towards them to see what all the fuss was about.

“Sorry,” Peter whispered, and they all collectively turned back.

“Very smooth,” Cat murmured.

He looked around nervously. “We should go somewhere else to talk.”

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

“I like your backpack,” Peter said, once they were both settled into the furthest part of the alley. “It’s very—”

“Ugly and pink. And don’t try to change the subject! It won’t change the fact that I know you’re—”

“Okay, okay, okay!” Peter raised his hands up hastily, then lowered his voice. “Could you maybe not say those words out loud?”

“Why? What’s gonna happen? Is a lightning bolt going to strike me out of the sky?” Cat looked up at the clear blue sky and held up her arms, fully expecting this exact scenario to happen.

“What? No! I just don’t want people to know who I am.”

“So you admit it? That you’re…” Cat leaned in closer to him, so that her mouth was inches away from his ear. “Spider-Boy ?”

He sighed in defeat. “Spider-Man.”

“Hardly,” she dismissed, pulling back. “You’re barely older than me.”

“Hey!” Peter protested. “I saved your life.”

Cat felt pleasantly surprised that he’d really remembered her. “You remember?”

“Of course. You were the girl being mugged in an alley by those jerks. You had a cute little beagle.”

“Her name’s Taco.”

“Looks like your eye healed up all right.” His eyes scrunched up. “Didn’t you say you were homeless? How are you in school? And why are you at my school? And why did you follow me?”

“It’s a long story. And it’s purely coincidence, I promise. I’m not, like, a crazy stalker or anything. I was just curious.”

“But you did stalk me to the library,” he pointed out.

“That’s besides the point.”

“So what is the point?”

“The point is, Spider-Boy—”

“Peter,” he interrupted. “Don’t call me that. Call me Peter.”

“Fine, Peter. The point is, I’m awesome and I figured out that you’re…” Cat leaned closer for a second time. Dramatically, she whispered, “ Spider-Man .”

He cocked his head at her. “Right, that. How did you figure it out?”

“Your voice. All high pitched and squeaky. Kind of hard to forget.”

“Hold on.” He put his hands up, stopping her. “You recognized who I was… by my voice?”

“Don’t be too flattered. I’ve remembered every voice I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Remember that thing I told you about the voice modulator? You should really get on to changing it, because someone super smart like me could figure you out just by hearing your real voice.”

“That’s crazy,” Peter repeated. “This whole thing is crazy. Your memory must be nuts. Is that why you go to Midtown? Are you a child prodigy?”

“I mean, I don’t want to sound too boastful, but… yeah, basically.”

“That’s… kind of awesome.” He shook his head. “But this is so weird.”

“Tell me about it.”

There was a moment of tense silence where they just looked at each other. Cat wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. Was there anything going on? She’d nearly revealed Spider-Man’s real identity in a public library, dragged him to an uncomfortable hiding spot, and forced him to admit the truth to her. She felt a little bad about inconveniencing him. But now what? What had she been planning to do after capturing his attention?

“Sorry if this was creepy,” Cat blurted. “Is this creepy?”

“It’s a little creepy,” he confirmed. “But not bad-creepy.” He considered that for a moment. “Also not good-creepy. It’s more of an in-the-middle creepy.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said.

“No, it’s not. It’s creepy.”

“It’s not that creepy. You know what— let’s just stop saying the word ‘creepy.’”

“Agreed.”

Something shifted about him. He was suddenly wary, nervous. He regarded her carefully. “Hey. You aren’t going to tell anyone about this, right? About me being… you know?”

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

“Really?”

“Sure. I mean, I don’t get why you wanna keep it all a secret. If I were you, I’d swing around and shove it up everyone’s faces.” She widened her eyes at him earnestly. “But if you don’t want me to tell, I won’t tell.”

“You swear? It’s really important to me that you swear.”

Cat held out her pinky. “I not only swear— I pinky swear.”

He linked his pinky with it. “Just to be clear, this means you won’t tell anyone. Not your teacher, not even your closest friends.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Obviously, because that would fall under the definition of ‘anyone.’”

He went on. “Because this is super important—”

“Spider-Boy!” she yelled at him, a little offended. That effectively shut him up. “Are you doubting my promise-keeping abilities?”

“Yeah. A little.”

“Well, don’t! I am an excellent promise-keeper.”

He raised his hands defensively. “Okay, I believe you! Just making sure.”

After a moment, Cat asked, “I can’t even tell Taco?”

He thought about it. “You can tell Taco.”

“Yay!” She checked her watch, and her mood did an instant one-eighty. “Oh, crap!”

“What?”

Cat grabbed her backpack from the ground. “Crap!”

“What is it?” Peter asked, now alarmed.

Crapcrapcrapcrap. She’d forgotten about her promise to Natasha to meet her at the apartment after school for her first fighting lesson.

“I have to be somewhere,” she yelled to Peter as she booked it out of that alley. “See you in chem!”

“Okay!” he yelled after her. “This was very weird!”

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Notes: Yay for more Peter and Cat! Let me know if there are other things you want to see! And please continue to like/reblog/comment if you’re enjoying the story so far! They motivate me so so much while I’m writing. Thank you!

[tetrakys]

Today I come bearing a new little gift, that you can enjoy while waiting for the next EDC chapter.

Some context: I got married a few months ago and Chino, who was one of my bridesmaids, asked me what I wanted as a present. The evil genius in me thought that this was the perfect chance to ask for whatever I wanted and she wouldn't be able to refuse me 😈😈 (in the limit of what was in her power of course, like I would've gladly locked her in a room and forced her to make the Eldarya game of my dreams, but alas it's not only up to her).

So I asked her to write something for me 🥰 the scene of the first kiss with Ashkore, as it should've been if he hadn't been removed from TO crushes. And it's the most beautiful thing in the world 🥺💕🥺💕 best wedding gift ever 💕🔥

So I'm sharing it to make all Lance stans a little happy too, here you go, full credits to @chinomiko

A shiver of fear ran through my body. This time I was trapped. Lance just removed his mask and tossed it on the side, while strolling calmly towards me. It was crazy to think such a beautiful face had done so many horrors. He stopped a few inches from me. I had already backed up against the wall, the farther I could go. Last time I was lucky to escape, Leiftan knew where to look for me. But this time I was pretty sure he wouldn't do the mistake again. "You have no idea of all the things I'm gonna do to you now that you are in my hands… " I swallowed with difficulty. I knew the rules by now, a demi aengel is no match to a full grown dragon. My only defense left came as some sass. "And what is it ? Torture me with wips, knifes, ice ?.. Whatever you planned, I can handle it. I won't break. " A smirk. Should have kept this sass to myself. "Thanks for the suggestions…" His hand grabbed my shoulder, then went up caressing my collar bone and lingered on my neck" "What about we start with this ?" His hand tightened its grip slightly. So strangulation it is I guess… I closed my eyes in an attempt to avoid the upcoming pain. And then I felt it. His lips crashed on mine, soft yet demanding. I was stunned and he took advantage of my surprise to slip his tongue further, now claiming my mouth with heated bestiality. My body didn't fight back, I should have, but instead I leaned in the rough kiss, a moan escaping my lips. This seemed to be like the signal to put the rest of his body in action. He pinned me harder against the wall, his chest pushing against mine. Making it all difficult to breath. His hands now travelled along my body, from the side of my breasts, fingers brushing my soft and delicate skin, to my waist and my thighs. There his hands gripped me firmly and hoisted me. That's when I fought back, by constricting him around his waist with my legs, caging him against my body, but also giving him an easier access. He rocked his hips against my core, already wet with burning desire, and it gave me taste of how hard and thick he was in response. This was a better torture I could have never imagined. A shiver ran through my body. Not from fear this time.

[felikatze]

Talking more abt FE/ISAT AU because you cannot stop me.

I've come to think that having both Craft and Magic in the same setting kind of doesn't work that well. But without Craft, I run into the issue that the weapon type distribution of the party is absolutely Fucked.

Going by Fates weapon triangle logic, Siffrin, Mirabelle, and Odile are all red, and Isa's neutral, and that's it.

So. How do I do magic but keep types?

Easy. Affinities!!

I just. Mash craft types and affinities together so that all combat just runs through the Tellius magic system, in which the three types of Anima are also weak to / effective against each other.

That way I don't need to deal with pesky things like "nobody here has lances, what is this, the first FE Warriors?" without just nixing the weapon triangle like Echoes does and 3H slyly pretends not to have.

AND. Personally my elemental assignments are brilliant.

If we also take into consideration the Tellius duology's magic system interplaying with Laguz types, we got our assignmets pretty easily!

Sif, as a dragon, would be weak to Thunder, so they're Wind. This also works great because Wind tomes are lower might yet also lower weight - meaning Wind users have higher effective speed.

In return, Isabeau, as a Wolfskin (fates class, but easily slotted in with beast tribe Laguz) would be weak to Fire, which makes him Thunder. Which works even BETTER considering that Thunder (generally) has higher might/weight, and lower accuracy! For more of a punch!

This leaves for Odile to be Fire, which feels both ironic (paper is fire...) yet appropriate for Odile in particular, as Fire is the middle of the road and standard spell type.

AND YOU MAY NOTICE... we have kept the exact rock-paper-scissors effectiveness alive. Siffrin's type is strong against Odile's but weak against Isabeau's.

Now then... Mirabelle....

She's a Light magic user, obviously. She has the association with healing, which is just straight up Light Magic in a lot of games instead of being a separate weapon type (Echoes, 3H) + I already put her in Priestess, which is yknow, a Sword/Light class.

It fits her healing + it means she gets stuff like monster effectiveness! And Light magic is typically associated with holyness and gods and some such in games, so it works with her being religious!

In return, this obviously means the King has dark affinity, lol. This means he and Mirabelle are both effective against each other, which mirrors how Mirabelle is weak to rock but also a paper type. + Dark magic is obviously associated with monsters and evil and gunk in most games, typically fitting only the major villains and the oddball shaman on the heroes' side. AND!! Dark magic gets a lot of secondary effects like Light magic, which means the King's instan death attack is really just a more advanced version of Eclipse.

...Also Petrify and Medusa are both dark magic, lmao.

in conclusion. I am a genius of crossover worldbuilding. Thank you.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Okay I read Let Me Come Home, and can I just say that was a huge plot wist? I really love the way your brain works, that was the most unconventional memory loss au. I mean, of course you would've picked an angtsy scenario and deliver the most angsty version of it. Because if they had lived those memories as a family and Max had forgotten? It would've hurt less, at least in my opinion. Lance would have a dad too, Arthur wouldn't have been calling Jaden dad and they would've met Max, lived with him, and had those memories. Max wouldn't have them but the kids would. David would. He would've been their father, David husband, whether he remembered or not. But now? He is not. Well, he is, but it has to be established, he has to grow into all these things slowly. He doesn't have to remember being those things he has to learn to become those things. If his memory had been erased he would have to fill spaces that were his, he had claimed them. Lance's and AJ's dad, David's husband. But now those spaces don't exist. He doesn't have to fill them, he has to create them. And that hurts so much. You are an evil genius.

The moment I finished the forth chapter, I had this thought of Max and David realising that technically they are still married. And Max, after realising that, telling David that it's okay if he wants to divorce him, so many things having changed. And David, just snapping out of this, I want to day doubtful(?) state he is in where he is not sure what to do with Max and clinging to him. Oh if only it were that easy. But it was a nice dream.

But reading Lance treating Max like that hurt in a way I was not expecting, mostly because we have never seen Lance treat Max that way. Like, ever. He has been bitchy to David and even AJ in LBAF. But not to Max. Is it because he can match his energy? The only way to get to an asshole is with a bigger asshole as Alec said? Or is it something else? Just curious.

But we have never seen it before and it hurt so I thought I should reread the last IALS chapters, to Lance's interactions with Max. I missed their connection in IALS. But there's nowhere to turn to for comfort anymore! Because I found this:

We always put our family first, huh? Did Older Max ever travel into that dimension? Maybe he should have a chat with IALS Max. No hate to my poor Older Max baby, I am so ready to defend him, and that was a twist I was not expecting when you first introduced him. I was not very fond of him.

Everything hurts but it's okay because at least Let Me Come Home will have a happy ending. So we won't die like the shadowhunter in the other timeline (I laughed so hard when I read this, you are hilarious Dani😂).

I hope you take time for yourself enogh to celebrate women's week without working, but relaxing and taking care of yourself. 🌼

Ha! That was exactly the thought behind this fic. I didn't want to write a normal amnesia au (why be basic when you can be extra?) and this idea was really intriguing so voila!

We're def gonna see a conversation about them being still being married and I am not ready for it AHHHH.

About Lance...I mean we know our boy has some issues and his coping mechanism is being a gigantic dick (as opposed to being a normal dick like he is every day). He has some abandonment issues in this fic considering Max was there and then he wasn't (as opposed to Arthur who doesn't know Max at all). But Lance is a softie as we know and he'll come around ;)

DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT OTHER MAX WHEN I AM HAVING MY TEA I AM FRAGILE.

I definitely did have a sort-of relaxing weekend. But the weather in my country is horrible with the heat and humidity and I need a house with a pool immediately :(

Sending love x

[offmanntheoddman]

Alright hear me out:

-Purple and green for the win

-"How's the weather up there" club member

-With great IQ comes an even greater big fkn forehead

-Will bite off your kneecaps and go feral if given the opportunity and a (arguably) good reason to

-The only thing stopping them from being official and praised scientists is war crimes

-✨EYEBROWS✨

-Grumpy loner boi, but crave attention for his undeniable genius

-Flying menace

-Would never miss a single piece of content of Jupiter Jim/Lance and Janice

-Has built robot(s) to do their bidding and praising them

-"I'm gonna beat you with the power of drama and this gun I've made!"

-Evil gremlin with redeeming qualities

-Breaks the fabric of time, space and the rules of physics to invent cool crap on a daily basis and doesn't get nearly enough credit for it

-THREE FINGERS!!! THEY BOTH HAVE 3 FINGERS ON EACH HAND! THAT'S HOW FKN CLOSE THOSE TWO ARE!!!

-so many other things...

And this is why I present to you: ✨💜Dr Nefarious (Ratchet and Clank) and Donatello Hamato's (Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) potential friendship💜✨

The only thing stopping them from being perfect nerdy friendship material is the obvious fact that one is more heroic and the other villainous, and also Nefarious' extreme hate for all organic life forms.

Fck it they can still be rivals with respect for each other's work.

[demcnsinmymind]

Updated possession/Azzy/cult lore!

First of all, I've modified my docs a bit and got rid of some things on there + added some new info, some of which I'm gonna put in a couple of bullet points below the cut if anyone's interested

biggest change :

much less HPL lore. Azzy is the only thing to have ever talked to Lance through the walls, and the only thing to possess him, just the way it's supposed to be

I now added to the lore that Lance actually died to the basement attack at least for a short amount of time, and that this is the reason that tear truly ripped right through and why Az was able to slip right in. Boy was born in 1968 and vanished in 2003. He simply cannot have died in 1948 and it's such a huge clusterfuck paradox that created itself and timeloop mumbo jumbo here it is being able to stay inside him

I play more hardcore into the fact that Friedkin wasn't some sorta evil genius muahaha mastermind kind of torturer who had it all figured out with a grand ole god and everything. My idea is : his son died in the war. He went insane. He thought he could somehow use a body of one of the messed up souls inside his hospital, one nobody was going to miss anyway, as a vessel to bring his son back. Heavily inspired by the canon line from Lance : "he opened a gateway. he took the real world and the spirit world and smashed them together and that tore a hole in the building". Just like in canon, friedkin experimented on patients and tried to turn them into shells. The funniest thing is that it worked, but instead of his son coming back, other things snuck in and stole the limelight, most notably Azzy.

Friedkin just created a cult based around death and resurrection yada yada. My NPC char Brenda Peterson however went completely off the rails when she saw first hand that the idea in itself worked when Lance was possessed by Azzy on that table right before her, reality started to collapse, she was killed and came back as a fucked up demon nurse, and everything just went utterly fuck all chaotic and insane, something that she ended up loving. Unlike Friedkin, she eventually was no longer interested in just bringing a random dude back from the dead. She's full on after Azathoth and thinks that if she can become its bestie and 'free' it by killing Lance and giving it his full body, it'll in return bless her with a cooler/crueler afterlife too. She actually founded the cult of Azathoth on the foundation of Friedkin's work and initial cult, and brought along the teachings and ideas all the way along her family legacy back to the 2000s in my NPC char Andromeda

just general quick shoutout that I'm totally downgrading Friedkin on purpose because this asshole hURT my bOY and he more than deserves to be sit in the shadows of some cooler women mkay

So in general, the cult and all NPCs/players are just a huge, funny little mess with agendas that do not match up in any direction whatsoever: Azathoth couldn't give less of a shit about its own cult and kinda wants most of them dead because they wanna hurt thE Boy, Friedkin was only ever interested in brainwashing and turning people/Lance into a suitable vessel for his son's spirit and maybe experimenting on people in general because he was a dick, the Peterson family turned this basic idea into a fullblown doomsday armageddon death cult that no one other than them and their brainwashed minions have any real interest in whatsoever, and Lance just wants to freaking vibe with his new 'friend' and go the fuck home and be done for the day

Some things that I haven't quite put on the pages yet: Azathoth overall remains a completely OP demonic outergod as it is in its original canon. All the time and space and insanity blasting powers stuff remains. But just in general, it isn't quite such a hardcore sleepy idiot. It isn't outright evil and it isn't good, just very chaotic and unpredictable and with a very specific agenda of its own, just like Collingwood was show in GE canon. I mean if you really think about it and something I continue to enjoy the hell out of - there really wasn't ever any clarification what exactly it was and wanted. Just that it was all sorts of fucked up and wanted 'more'. That is a keeper.

[twotangledsisters]

Messages my friend has sent me while reading about the future of Two Tangled Sisters (no context and posted with permission):

"Wow, I think I may hate Varian a bit, not as much as he's hating himself right now, but a teeny bit."

"I swear to god I did not become attached to a character I've always loved to hate for you to do THAT."

"I hope this guy gets fired, or at the very least, I hope Cass gives him the middle finger."

"I hate Frederic/Rapunzel/Cassandra/Eugene/Varian/Andrew/this one random noble lady/Lady Caine/The Stabbingtons/King Trevor/Willow/The Baron/the other six kingdoms/Corona right now" she has a lot of hatred.

"Can someone please get this woman a sword please!" "NOT THAT SWORD... oh, okay, that sword's fine."

"Eugene is playing with fire... Eugene got burnt." (not in a literal sense)

"Eugene get away from the fire!" (yes in a literal sense)

"Frederic is regretting Cass' adoption one sassy comment at a time." (Honestly, my favorite and too true)

"I hate that Eugene is right."

"HOW FUCKING DARE CASSANDRA SAY THAT TO ARIANNA AFTER--oh, wait, she's crying, nevermind I love her."

"I hope someone punches Demanitus, by someone, I mean everybody at least once, starting and ending with Cassandra."

"Oh... Zhan Tiri is a genius... evil... but a genius..."

"Oh, it's fine, she can fix this... welp, evil lesbians gotta evil lesbian."

"Aww, that's sweet in a sad way...and now it's traumatic."

"On one hand Lance said exactly what I was thinking, on the other hand, DONT SAY THOSE STUFF TO THE KING YOU LOVEABLE IDIOT."

"Rapunzel, listen to your boyfriend."

"Arianna could and should just run the seven kingdoms on her own."

"Cassandra is not qualified for that, send her home please."

"Eugene got so close to making everything better... I'm not even angry at him for getting hurt, I just feel sad and scared for him. Also, can someone get Rapunzel some therapy before she murders redacted?"

"I'm not sure how I feel about two children going on an adventure but... on second thought, I don't trust Frederic, take them on the adventure. What's the worst that can happen?" "Ooooooh, that's the worst that can happen."

I may be causing her some intense trust issues. Sorry? but thanks for listening to me ramble and reading half-written scenes from many chapters down the line xD (she doesn't have tumblr, but she knows who she is)

[pathfinderunlocked]

Were-Barghest Goblin Velite Commander - CR9 Humanoid

A goblin soldier based on historical Roman infantry, wearing a barghest pelt and transforming into a were-barghest.

Artwork by KhezuG on DeviantArt.

Velites were javelin-wielding light skirmishers in the Roman army.  They formed the front lines of Roman forces for a period of time, though their lack of armor made them rather lacking in staying power.  They’re probably the most distinctive looking unit, with their super stylish wolf pelts. Military reforms by General Marius phased them out.

Several months back, I made a goblin velite creature that was wearing a barghest pelt.  It was designed to be used as a front-line soldier in groups.  This is the commander of those soldiers, and he’s got a secret - he’s a were-barghest.

Barghests are unique fiends that come from the Abyss in Pathfinder’s official setting (or Gehenna, in D&D’s official settings) but aren’t demons, or even chaotic, and come to the material plane to devour non-evil humanoid souls so they can transform into stronger versions of themselves.  Barghests are shapechangers that infiltrate goblin society by disguising themselves as goblins, and velites are also responsible for seeking them out and destroying them.

This commander apparently got overconfident due to his high amount of experience, and got bitten by a barghest during one of these hunts.  However, the barghest he fought was actually a goblin, cursed to transform into a barghest during a full moon.  Now the lycanthropic curse has been passed on.

Mechanically, I designed the velites, including this commander, using the 3pp armiger class by Rogue Genius Games as inspiration, though I didn’t actually follow that class’s build rules precisely.  Imagine this as an archetype of armiger that trades away the heavy armor features for additional armiger talents and bonus feats.

This build works well for helping a group of velites fighting side by side to actually survive in the front lines, considering their lack of armor.  Likewise, the commander should be fighting alongside several of his soldiers for maximum effect, transforming only as a last resort.  His transformation heals him, so he can and should wait until pretty late in a fight to use it.

In humanoid form, the velite commander performs ranged trip maneuvers to knock heavily armored enemies down before they can reach him.  He always moves with his unit in a group, never alone, and will delay his turns to be able to move at the same time as his soldiers.  When he doesn’t need to move, he and his soldiers use their Citadel ability on each other.

The combination of Phalanx Fighting and Spear Brace lets him hold a javelin in one hand and a lance in the other without losing his shield bonus, and that’s how he goes into fights, using Quick Draw to draw more javelins as he throws them.

In his lycanthrope form - which is a secret his soldiers probably don’t know about - the commander has a very different, much faster-moving style of fighting.  He abandons working with his remaining allies, and focuses purely on close-range carnage.

This creature’s lycanthrope transformation works a little differently from normal in that it heals the creature instead of increasing its Constitution, effectively acting as “phase 2″ of a boss fight.  Like most lycanthropes, it should always be transforming into its hybrid form, given a choice - the barghest form is only there for full moons.

Were-Barghest Goblin Velite Commander (Humanoid Form) - CR 9

In place of armor, this goblin warrior is wearing the pelt of a wolf-like creature that itself has a goblinoid face.  The pelt is draped over a quiver full of javelins.

XP 6,400 Goblin were-barghest, armiger 5 / phalanx soldier fighter 4 LE Small humanoid (goblinoid, shapechanger) Init +4 Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +7

DEFENSE

AC 21, touch 15, flat-footed 17 (+2 armor, +4 Dex, +2 natural, +2 shield, +1 size; +2 vs. critical confirm) hp 87 (5d12+4d10+27) Fort +10, Ref +8, Will +6; +1 vs. fear Defensive Abilities barghest pelt, bulwark, moderate fortification, stand firm, uncanny block

OFFENSE

Speed 30 ft. Melee mwk lance +12/+7 (1d6+3/x3) and bite +6 (1d4+1) Ranged javelin +13/+8 (1d4+3) Special Attacks hard head, big teeth

STATISTICS

Str 16, Dex 18, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 13, Cha 8 Base Atk +7; CMB +9 (+11 ranged trip); CMD 23 (24 vs. bull rush, drag, overrun, trip, trample) Feats Deadly Aim, Far Shot, Lightning Reflexes, Point-Blank Shot, Position of Strength, Power Attack, Quick Draw, Ranged Trip, Toughness, Weapon Focus (javelin) Skills Intimidate +10, Knowledge (planes) +3, Heal +6, Linguistics +0, Perception +7, Survival +4, Stealth +8 Languages Goblin, Infernal SQ citadel, phalanx fighting, quick strap, spear brace Gear mwk lance, javelin (18), +1 moderate fortification reinforced tunic, +1 light wooden shield, barghest pelt (value 150 gp), 445 gp

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Change Shape (Su) A were-barghest has three forms—a humanoid form, a barghest form, and a hybrid form.  Equipment does not meld with the new form between humanoid and hybrid form, but does between those forms and barghest form.

While in humanoid form, a were-barghest goblin velite commander can assume barghest or hybrid form as a full-round action, restoring 12d8 hit points and gaining 20 temporary hit points in the process.  These temporary hit points last for as long as it remains in barghest or hybrid form.  It can return to humanoid form as a full-round action which leaves it unconscious for 1d4+8 hours.  A slain lycanthrope reverts to its humanoid form, although it remains dead.

The were-barghest goblin velite commander automatically reverts to its humanoid form automatically with the next sunrise, or after 8 hours of rest.

Full Moon (Su) On nights when the full moon is visible, the were-barghest goblin velite commander is forcibly transformed into its barghest form and is confused.  A friendly creature within 30 feet who can speak to the were-barghest goblin velite commander can attempt a DC 35 Diplomacy check as a full-round action to end the confusion and allow it to revert to humanoid form on his next turn, going unconscious for the rest of the night.  The creature making this check gains a +5 circumstance bonus if the were-barghest goblin velite commander’s hit points are below half.

Barghest Pelt (Ex) A goblin velite commander gains +2 natural armor while wearing a barghest pelt.  This occupies the goblin velite commander’s shoulders slot as if it were a magical item, but does not function for creatures other than goblin velites.  A typical barghest pelt has 10 HP and 2 hardness.

Bulwark (Ex) A goblin velite commander knows how to protect not just itself, but also how to help protect its allies.  A goblin velite commander grants hard cover to any ally adjacent to itself, even against attacks the goblin velite commander is not aware of and those that come from a direction that would not normally count the goblin velite commander as cover.  The goblin velite commander does not count as cover for itself, though two goblin velites standing next to each other both do gain this benefit.

A goblin velite commander must be conscious and able to take actions in order to grant this benefit.  It cannot do so if suffering under effects such as being flat-footed, unconscious, dead, paralyzed, or stunned.

Citadel (Ex) As a move action, 4 times per day, a goblin velite commander can grant an adjacent ally temporary hit points.  The ally gains 1d8+2 temporary hit points.   The goblin velite commander must remain conscious, able to move, and adjacent to the ally or the temporary hit points end.

Moderate Fortification (Su) A goblin velite commander’s armor provides it a 50% chance to negate any critical hit or sneak attack.

Spear Brace (Ex) A goblin velite commander can brace a javelin on an equipped shield, to aid in handling and fighting with it.  This increased stability gives the goblin velite commander a +1 bonus to attack rolls made with a javelin.  He gains this bonus only while he has a shield equipped.  

Additionally, even when the goblin velite commander is using a shield that prevents its hand from being free, it can use its shield-arm to hold and fight with a javelin.

Quick Strap (Ex) A goblin velite commander can strap on a shield as a swift action.

Uncanny Block (Ex) When a goblin velite commander has a shield equipped, it cannot be caught flat-footed, even if the attacker is invisible. It still loses his Dexterity bonus to AC if immobilized or if a foe successfully makes a Bluff check to feint against it.

Phalanx Fighting (Ex) When a goblin velite commander wields a shield, it can use any polearm or spear of its size as a one-handed weapon.

Ranged Trip (Ex) As a full-round action, a goblin velite commander can attempt to perform a trip combat maneuver with any ranged weapon at a –2 penalty.  It adds its Dexterity modifier to its CMB in place of its Strength modifier and applies range penalties to its combat maneuver check, doubling the penalties from range increments.  If its target is more than 30 feet away, it takes an additional –2 penalty.  If the trip attempt is successful, the target also takes damage as if the goblin velite commander had made a successful attack with that weapon.  The goblin velite commander can’t be knocked prone by failing the trip attempt.

Hard Head, Big Teeth (Ex) Goblins with this trait gain a bite attack as a primary natural attack that deals 1d4 points of damage.

Were-Barghest Goblin Velite Commander (Hybrid Form)

Goblin were-barghest armiger 5 phalanx soldier fighter 4 LE Medium humanoid (goblinoid, shapechanger) Init +4 Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +7

DEFENSE

AC 25, touch 14, flat-footed 21 (+2 armor, +4 Dex, +7 natural, +2 shield; +2 vs. critical confirm) hp 87 (5d12+4d10+27) Fort +10, Ref +8, Will +6; +1 vs. fear Defensive Abilities bulwark, moderate fortification, stand firm, uncanny block DR 5/silver

OFFENSE

Speed 30 ft. Melee mwk lance +12/+7 (1d6+4/x3) and bite +6 (1d4+1) or 2 claws +11 (1d6+4) and bite +11 (1d4+4) Ranged javelin +12/+7 (1d4+3) Special Attacks hard head, big teeth

Spell-Like Abilities (CL 6th)    At will—blink, levitate, misdirection    1/day—charm monster (DC 13), crushing despair (DC 13), dimension door

STATISTICS

Str 18, Dex 18, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 13, Cha 8 Base Atk +7; CMB +11 (+13 ranged trip); CMD 25 (26 vs. bull rush, drag, overrun, trip, trample) Feats Deadly Aim, Far Shot, Lightning Reflexes, Point-Blank Shot, Position of Strength, Power Attack, Quick Draw, Ranged Trip, Toughness, Weapon Focus (javelin) Skills Intimidate +10, Knowledge (planes) +3, Heal +6, Linguistics +0, Perception +7, Survival +4, Stealth +8 Languages Goblin, Infernal SQ citadel, phalanx fighting, quick strap, spear brace Gear mwk lance, javelin (18), +1 moderate fortification reinforced tunic, +1 light wooden shield, barghest pelt (value 150 gp), 445 gp

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Change Shape (Su) A were-barghest has three forms—a humanoid form, a barghest form, and a hybrid form.  Equipment does not meld with the new form between humanoid and hybrid form, but does between those forms and barghest form.

While in humanoid form, a were-barghest goblin velite commander can assume barghest or hybrid form as a full-round action, restoring 12d8 hit points and gaining 20 temporary hit points in the process.  These temporary hit points last for as long as it remains in barghest or hybrid form.  It can return to humanoid form as a full-round action which leaves it unconscious for 1d4+8 hours.  A slain lycanthrope reverts to its humanoid form, although it remains dead.

The were-barghest goblin velite commander automatically reverts to its humanoid form automatically with the next sunrise, or after 8 hours of rest.

Full Moon (Su) On nights when the full moon is visible, the were-barghest goblin velite commander is forcibly transformed into its barghest form and is confused.  A friendly creature within 30 feet who can speak to the were-barghest goblin velite commander can attempt a DC 35 Diplomacy check as a full-round action to end the confusion and allow it to revert to humanoid form on his next turn, going unconscious for the rest of the night.  The creature making this check gains a +5 circumstance bonus if the were-barghest goblin velite commander’s hit points are below half.

Bulwark (Ex) A goblin velite commander knows how to protect not just itself, but also how to help protect its allies.  A goblin velite commander grants hard cover to any ally adjacent to itself, even against attacks the goblin velite commander is not aware of and those that come from a direction that would not normally count the goblin velite commander as cover.  The goblin velite commander does not count as cover for itself, though two goblin velites standing next to each other both do gain this benefit.

A goblin velite commander must be conscious and able to take actions in order to grant this benefit.  It cannot do so if suffering under effects such as being flat-footed, unconscious, dead, paralyzed, or stunned.

Citadel (Ex) As a move action, 4 times per day, a goblin velite commander can grant an adjacent ally temporary hit points.  The ally gains 1d8+2 temporary hit points.   The goblin velite commander must remain conscious, able to move, and adjacent to the ally or the temporary hit points end.

Moderate Fortification (Su) A goblin velite commander’s armor provides it a 50% chance to negate any critical hit or sneak attack.

Spear Brace (Ex) A goblin velite commander can brace a javelin on an equipped shield, to aid in handling and fighting with it.  This increased stability gives the goblin velite commander a +1 bonus to attack rolls made with a javelin.  He gains this bonus only while he has a shield equipped.  

Additionally, even when the goblin velite commander is using a shield that prevents its hand from being free, it can use its shield-arm to hold and fight with a javelin.

Quick Strap (Ex) A goblin velite commander can strap on a shield as a swift action.

Uncanny Block (Ex) When a goblin velite commander has a shield equipped, it cannot be caught flat-footed, even if the attacker is invisible. It still loses his Dexterity bonus to AC if immobilized or if a foe successfully makes a Bluff check to feint against it.

Phalanx Fighting (Ex) When a goblin velite commander wields a shield, it can use any polearm or spear of its size as a one-handed weapon.

Ranged Trip (Ex) As a full-round action, a goblin velite commander can attempt to perform a trip combat maneuver with any ranged weapon at a –2 penalty.  It adds its Dexterity modifier to its CMB in place of its Strength modifier and applies range penalties to its combat maneuver check, doubling the penalties from range increments.  If its target is more than 30 feet away, it takes an additional –2 penalty.  If the trip attempt is successful, the target also takes damage as if the goblin velite commander had made a successful attack with that weapon.  The goblin velite commander can’t be knocked prone by failing the trip attempt.

Hard Head, Big Teeth (Ex) Goblins with this trait gain a bite attack as a primary natural attack that deals 1d4 points of damage.

Were-Barghest Goblin Velite Commander (Barghest Form)

Goblin were-barghest armiger 5 phalanx soldier fighter 4 LE Medium humanoid (goblinoid, shapechanger) Init +4 Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +7

DEFENSE

AC 21, touch 14, flat-footed 17 (+4 Dex, +7 natural; +2 vs. critical confirm) hp 87 (5d12+4d10+27) Fort +10, Ref +8, Will +6; +1 vs. fear Defensive Abilities barghest pelt, bulwark, moderate fortification, stand firm, uncanny block DR 5/silver

OFFENSE

Speed 30 ft. Melee bite +11 (1d4+4), 2 claws +11 (1d6+4)

Spell-Like Abilities (CL 6th)     At will—blink, levitate, misdirection     1/day—charm monster (DC 13), crushing despair (DC 13), dimension door

STATISTICS

Str 18, Dex 18, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 13, Cha 8 Base Atk +7; CMB +11; CMD 25 (26 vs. bull rush, drag, overrun, trip, trample) Feats Deadly Aim, Far Shot, Lightning Reflexes, Point-Blank Shot, Position of Strength, Power Attack, Quick Draw, Ranged Trip, Toughness, Weapon Focus (javelin) Skills Intimidate +10, Knowledge (planes) +3, Heal +6, Linguistics +0, Perception +7, Survival +4, Stealth +4 Languages Goblin, Infernal SQ citadel, phalanx fighting, quick strap, spear brace Gear mwk lance, javelin (18), +1 moderate fortification reinforced tunic, +1 light wooden shield, barghest pelt (value 150 gp), 445 gp

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Change Shape (Su) A were-barghest has three forms—a humanoid form, a barghest form, and a hybrid form.  Equipment does not meld with the new form between humanoid and hybrid form, but does between those forms and barghest form.

While in humanoid form, a were-barghest goblin velite commander can assume barghest or hybrid form as a full-round action, restoring 12d8 hit points and gaining 20 temporary hit points in the process.  These temporary hit points last for as long as it remains in barghest or hybrid form.  It can return to humanoid form as a full-round action which leaves it unconscious for 1d4+8 hours.  A slain lycanthrope reverts to its humanoid form, although it remains dead.

The were-barghest goblin velite commander automatically reverts to its humanoid form automatically with the next sunrise, or after 8 hours of rest.

Full Moon (Su) On nights when the full moon is visible, the were-barghest goblin velite commander is forcibly transformed into its barghest form and is confused.  A friendly creature within 30 feet who can speak to the were-barghest goblin velite commander can attempt a DC 35 Diplomacy check as a full-round action to end the confusion and allow it to revert to humanoid form on his next turn, going unconscious for the rest of the night.  The creature making this check gains a +5 circumstance bonus if the were-barghest goblin velite commander’s hit points are below half.

Bulwark (Ex) A goblin velite commander knows how to protect not just itself, but also how to help protect its allies.  A goblin velite commander grants hard cover to any ally adjacent to itself, even against attacks the goblin velite commander is not aware of and those that come from a direction that would not normally count the goblin velite commander as cover.  The goblin velite commander does not count as cover for itself, though two goblin velites standing next to each other both do gain this benefit.

A goblin velite commander must be conscious and able to take actions in order to grant this benefit.  It cannot do so if suffering under effects such as being flat-footed, unconscious, dead, paralyzed, or stunned.

Citadel (Ex) As a move action, 4 times per day, a goblin velite commander can grant an adjacent ally temporary hit points.  The ally gains 1d8+2 temporary hit points.   The goblin velite commander must remain conscious, able to move, and adjacent to the ally or the temporary hit points end.

Moderate Fortification (Su) A goblin velite commander’s armor provides it a 50% chance to negate any critical hit or sneak attack.  This property functions even when its armor is melded into its body in barghest form.

[melissa-titanium]

n charge blade main. i know this. i am n murer drones & i main cb. i can vonfirm

v i can see a billion diff things but ill settle for either sns or ls; perhaps sns to tie in with her constantly using her claws... AND it was the flagship weapon of mh as a whole imo befotr the weebs took over so. makes sense. she WAS the flagship till n took over Lol

uzi. god. gunlance if im feeling nice and hbg if im feeling evil. (im feeling nice & i fucking hate hbg LOL) i think her gl would be a custom built thunderlord zinogre gunlance of some kind so it could represent her railgun...

doll is tough. i could also see a bajillion things for her BUT maybe db because of demon mode. OH MY GOD WAIT YES BCOS IT WIULD ALSO TIE INTO PARALLELS W/V WIELDING DUAL WEAPONS im genius. db it is. dual blades more like doll blades

j switch axe. she will go out of her way to trip u during combos

lizzy glaive. her kinsect would be a keybug she found in dolls apt.

thad lance

khan greatsword

nori hbg

yeva hammer

damn md and its limited cast! i cant think of annote but im aboutto pass our anyways so hoodnight

ok im thwnking

[hushman]

Curse you Pidge the Paladin

Summary:

Pidge the Paladin (known also as Agent P) is an agent for O.W.C.A. (the Organisation Without a Cool Acronym) and dedicated to helping keep the world safe. She does this by stopping the "nefarious” schemes of “Evil Genius” Lance McClain, founder of Lance McClain Evil Inc. and evil invention tester for L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. (the League Of Villainous Evildoers Maniacally United For Frightening Investments in Naughtiness). Armed with the best untested equipment L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. can supply him with, Lance will work tirelessly on his plans for global conquest, unless it's on the weekends, after 5pm or if he’s takes a personal day. Taking over the world is all fine and dandy but a good work-life balance is essential.

Rating: Everyone

Tags: Comedy, adventure,

My entry for the Plance Mini Bang over at @planceminibang

Special thank you to @oddreycharge for Beta reading this and to @perrytheplatypusgirl for making a gorgeous piece of art for this fic.

Check it here

You can read the story below or you can read it over at Archive of our Own

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19764709

Enjoy

****

Pidge, hotshot O.W.C.A. agent, arrived in her secret base in a teal smart suit, orange tie, brown fedora, and black-rimmed glasses. She sat down in her chair in front of a screen as her boss, Coran Smythe, appeared onscreen.

“Greetings, Agent P,” Coran said. “Our intelligence shows strange frequencies being transmitted from the headquarters of Lance McClain as well as “how to detect increase in bird behaviour” on his web history. Your mission is to go there and put a stop to whatever nefarious scheme he is up to. Best of luck, Agent P.”

Pidge gave a salute, climbed into her jet-powered hover car, and flew off just as her theme song was starting.

Dooby dooby doo-bah Dooby dooby doo-bah Dooby dooby doo-bah Dooby dooby doo-bah Pidge!

She's a computer savvy, tech loving lady of action! (Dooby dooby doo-bah) (Dooby dooby doo-bah) She's a scrappy young hacker, Who'll never flinch from a fray-ee-ay-ee-ay!

She's got more than just all that, Fe(Wah-ah-ah) She's got a snazzy suit and a hat, Fe(ah-ah) And the men all swoon whenever they hear her sa-a-a-ay

“Hold up, who said anything about swooning?”

She’s Pidge, Pidge the Paladin But you can call her Agent P. Pidge! I said you can call her Agent P! A-gent-P!

A short flight later, she arrived at Lance McClain Evil Incorporated by crashing through a skylight.

Waiting for her was Lance McClain in a lab coat and holding a remote.

“Ah, Pidge the Paladin, what an unexpected surprise,” Lance commented. “And by that I mean entirely expected!”

Lance pushed a button. A massive pole popped behind Pidge. Before she could react, a stream of bola flew in, tying her to the pole.

“It appears you have fallen for my cunning trap.”

“Cunning trap?” Pidge deadpanned. “This is the third time you've tried to use this thing. You even marked out on the floor where you wanted me to stand.”

“And yet, you fell for it,” Lance crowed in rebuttal.

Pidge gave as much of a shrug as her restraints allowed. “I wanted to see if you had fixed the aim on the bola launchers.”

Lance pursed his lips. “Fine, act all high and mighty tied to that pole while I enact my evil scheme.”

“And by “enact”, you mean tell some backstory to justify whatever hairbrained scheme and device you have today.”

Lance ignored this jab as he introduced his latest “tragic backstory”.

“You see, it harkens back to my miserable youth spent in my cold and unforgiving fatherland.”

“You grew up in Cuba.”

“It’s a metaphor,” Lance snapped back before continuing. "My siblings have always despised me."

"Just last week, you said Veronica was wrapped around your little finger and loved you with all her heart."

"That was last week,” Lance dismissed. “As I was saying, I was left to face the endless shame and ridicule from my elder siblings. But no more! Finally, they shall learn true terror with this: the Fowlagitationinator!”

Lance flung his arms flamboyantly towards the glorified satellite dish.

“So what exactly does it do?” Pidge asked.

“I am so very glad you asked.” Lance paused briefly as he failed to discreetly pull back his sleeve notes. “This device will emit a frequency that will increase the aggression in every bird within the city.” He read monotonously, “All urban activities will grind to a halt as everyone is terrorised by millions of feathery foes, leaving the city ripe for the taking.” His voice and arms pitched in confidence, dropping his speaker notes in the process.

“Millions?” Pidge raised an eyebrow. “I think you’re overestimating the city’s bird population.”

“I was going for dramatic effect.” Lance let out a groan. “Look, you’re here to thwart my schemes, not criticise them.”

“Fair enough,” Pidge conceded. “Speaking of thwart...”

At that moment, the restraints fell off her body.

“So, did it actually take you this long to escape, or were you waiting for me to finish talking?”

“Didn’t want to be rude.”

Pidge pounced at Lance with a jump kick. The man dodged with a last minute swivel, just barely missing Pidge’s boot. While the first strike had not connected, it had placed her between Lance and the device. He tried to throw a right hook at her. Pidge ducked and delivered a double palm strike to Lance’s abdomen.

“Your gut feels firmer,” Pidge commented. “Have you been working out?”

“Why yes, I have. Thank you for noti..Argh!” Lance was interrupted by Pidge flooring him with a roundhouse kick.

“Are you ever going to not fall for the compliment sucker punch?” The agent snorted.

She fell to ground with a yelp when Lance yanked one of her legs.

“It’s not a crime to appreciate it when you notice the effort I put into this body,” Lance replied as he stood up and wiped his mouth to check for blood. “Speaking of which, would you stop going for the face?”

“Sure.”

Lance managed to catch Pidge’s foot before it connected with his groin.

“Not what I meant.”

Lance flung Pidge by her leg across the room, causing her to hit the brick wall with a crash. He raced to press the large red button on the device. Pidge fired her grappling gun. The cable shot out, wrapping around Lance’s arm and pulling him back. He managed to get his arm free from his lab coat in time to bring his guard up against a furious onslaught of limbs.

What followed was a series of back-and-forth blows. While Lance had a higher endurance, Pidge was harder to hit. This continued unabated until he picked up a nearby chair. Pidge snatched a stool of her own.

Before either of them could take a swing, a ringtone interrupted the battle. Both Lance and Pidge put down the chairs.

“Is that your phone or mine?” Lance asked.

“Yours,” Pidge replied. “I changed my ringtone last week.”

“Huh.” Lance checked his phone. “It’s my brother. I’d better take this.”

Pidge nodded her consent as Lance answered the phone.

“Hey Luis, how’s it going?...Not too bad. Same old, same old...Yeah, she’s here to thwart my scheme...Nah, it’s fine, what’s up? Sure I can watch them tonight...not a problem at all...You’ll be here at 7? Yeah, that's fine.” Lance looked up and saw Pidge pointing to her watch. “Listen I’d better get back to work but I’ll see you tonight...Love you too.”

Lance hung up and put away the phone.

“Thanks for that, so do you want go back to chairs?”

“Nah, the moment’s gone.”

“Fair enough.”

Pidge proceeded to duck and perform a leg sweep, causing Lance to fall to the ground. As he picked himself up, Pidge raced over to the device. She pushed the self-destruct button and pulled out her grappling gun. She fired out a line, yanking herself through the skylight as the device exploded.

“CURSE YOU, PIDGE THE PALADIN!” Lance yelled.

Once he was certain was alone, he picked up a broom and started cleaning up the debris.

“You know, just once, it would be nice for her to stick around to help with the clean up.”

****

Lance had just finished sending his report to head office when the doorbell rang. He opened the door and was tackled by two blurs of energy.

“Come on you two, don’t break Uncle Lance within the first two minutes.”

“Hey, I can take it,” Lance laughed. “How about you both pick a game on the gameflux?”

At that sentence, the two raced off to where the gameflux was set up.

“I swear that thing is 90% of the reason they like me babysitting,” Lance commented.

“Well, that and the fact you usually offer pizza,” Luis said. “So you okay? You’re developing a bit of a bruise.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lance replied. “The agent O.W.C.A. assigned to me just got a lucky hit in.”

“The compliment sucker punch?” Luis asked.

“Gets me every time.”

“You know, man, you really need to see about getting out of that franchise.”

“Eh…” Lance gave a non-committal shrug. “It’s not that bad. Besides, we both know it takes three million dollars to buy out of the place before the two years are up. I got into this mess. I can take the lumps to wait it out.”

“Just promise me you’ll stay safe.”

“Trust me it’s fine. Sure, that woman kicks my butt on a regular basis, but at least we’re keeping things professional.”

Luis rolled his eyes. “Only you would consider being punched in the face as professional.”

“Well, it kinda is her job to punch me in the face since I am technically trying to take over the city slash country slash world.”

“That sounds like the best job in the world.”

“Love you too, bro.”

With a quick hug, Luis left. 20 minutes after watching his niece and nephew screech at each other in Combat Cousins X, Lance heard the doorbell.

He answered the door. Standing there was Katie Holt, holding a couple of pizza boxes.

“Battle supplies as requested,” she said with a wink.

“Thanks, Katie. You're a lifesaver.”

“Oh please, considering the stuff I’ve seen you survive, you’re practically immortal,” Katie replied flippantly.

Lance scowled at her suspiciously. “What exactly have you seen me survive?”

“For starters, Charlene LeManche.”

“Objection withdrawn.”

Katie’s watch started vibrating.

“Excuse me.”

She stepped out onto the balcony. Satisfied that Lance had given her privacy, she activated her watch to see an image of Coran.

“Hope I’m not bothering, Agent P,” Coran said. “I just wanted to congratulate you another job well done.”

“Thanks, Coran. Though if you don’t mind, I’d better head back inside. Secret identity to maintain and all that.”

“Of course. Have a good night, Agent P.”

Katie hung up on Coran and went back inside. Tomorrow, she would probably be kicking Lance’s butt again, but she was perfectly satisfied with beating him at Pancake Dojo 2 whilst enjoying a slice of pepperoni pizza tonight.

****

It was Tuesday morning. Lance had finished his breakfast and was savouring the first sip of coffee. The blissful start was interrupted by the doorbell. He answered the door to find several men with crates.

“Morning, guys,” Lance said as he stepped aside to let the movers in.

After everything was moved into the open space “Evil Lair” area, Lance got to work opening first crate.

“Alright, let’s see what L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. cooked up for me today.”

Lance pulled out a letter from his superior. The latest device was something called the Vapourmatroninator. Apparently, there was a little extra assembly required.

After all the other crates were opened, Lance realised that that by “a little extra assembly”, they meant that this assemble would be bigger than a minivan, yet not a single piece was bigger than the palm of his hand.

“No worries. So long as the instructions are clear, I’ll just work through it piece by piece.”

Not only were the instructions incomprehensible, Lance wasn’t even sure that it was in English. After an hour of failing to make any headway, he picked up his phone.

“Hey Hunk, I need some help with building the latest world conquest machine… I know what I’m doing. It’s these instructions that make no sense...Look, can you come help me without making fun of me?...Alright, but can you still come or not?...Thanks, Hunk. You’re the best.”

****

Pidge kicked open the door to Lance McClain Evil Inc. at 4 p.m. on the dot.

She was ready to get her thwart on when she saw Hunk working on the device. He looked up to see Pidge standing there.

“Katie? What are you doing here?” Hunk asked. “And what are you wearing?”

Before Pidge could answer, Lance walked in.

“Hi Pidge, sorry I’m running a little behind so I had to call in some help.”

“Wait, this is Pidge?” Hunk asked in disbelief.

“Oh right, where are my manners?” Lance said. “Hunk, this is my nemesis Pidge. Pidge, this is my friend Hunk.”

“This is Pidge?” Hunk asked again. “As in the person that thwarts your plans daily.”

“Well, it's more of a Monday to Friday basis, gotta keep that work life balance, but yes. That’s her.” Lance answered “What’s your point?”

“Lance, that’s...argh!”

Hunk was interrupted by Pidge grabbing his arm and twisting it behind his back.

“Shut up,” Pidge hissed to Hunk. “Play along and I’ll explain everything later.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, Pidge! Let him go this instant!” Lance scolded.

Pidge complied.

“Hunk doesn’t work for L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. He's just helping me out as a favour. Do whatever you want with me, but I will not have you attacking my friends!”

Pidge looked genuinely remorseful as Lance took out some money and handed it to her.

“Now you are going to say sorry to Hunk, and then you’re going to go the donut shop and pick up a dozen lemon cream-filled donuts with passionfruit sprinkles. When you get back, he should be done with the Inator and then you can thwart me.”

Pidge complied, sending Hunk one last pleading looking before heading out the door.

“Sorry about that,” Lance said to Hunk. “She honestly isn’t that bad, she’s just a little wound up at times.”

Hunk eyed Lance with utter astonishment.

“And she doesn’t remind you of anyone?” He pressed.

Lance paused thoughtfully.

“Now that you mention it, with that fedora, she kinda looks like Indiana Jones.”

“You think she looks like Indiana Jones?” Hunk asked, clearly not sure how to react.

“Kinda.”

“So when are you next due for an eye exam?”

“Next year, I think. Why?”

“Might want to move that forward.”

****

Pidge arrived with the donuts just as Hunk finished assembling the Inator. She handed them over Hunk he packed up his tools.

“Well, I better be out of your way,” he declared as he headed for the door with tools and donuts in tow.

“Leaving so soon?” Lance asked.

“Yeah, as much fun as it would be to watch you getting thwarted, I’d rather not watch the device I worked so hard on get destroyed.”

“Fair enough, catch ya later.”

Hunk shot Pidge a meaningful glance before leaving.

He hopped in the elevator and waited for the ding signalling the ground floor. Just as he exited the building, the Vapourmatroninator crashed onto the sidewalk, inches from his ears.

He could faintly hear Lance yell, “CURSE YOU, PIDGE THE PALADIN!”

****

A while later, Hunk and Pidge, in her civilian attire, were at Hunk’s favourite sandwich place. Only after he was halfway through his sandwich was he ready to address the elephant in the room.

“Alright, Katie, tell me what the heck is going on.”

“Okay.” Pidge took in a deep breath. “You remember that internship I took with a think tank? Well, that think tank is a secret government agency, and that internship is more of a field agent position.”

“So, who do you work for? The CIA?”

“No, I work for O.W.C.A., the Organisation Without a Cool Acronym.” Pidge watched Hunk raise an eyebrow. “Look, the name isn’t great, but they do good work.”

“And why exactly are you kicking Lance’s butt on a daily basis?”

“When Lance signed on to an employment contract with L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. that marked him as an ‘evil genius’, O.W.C.A. protocol is to assign an agent to be a nemesis to every evil genius. This was my first nemesis assignment, so the higher ups wanted to assign me to something lighter to chew on.”

“And the fact that you and Lance being friends isn’t against policy?”

“It would be if Lance recognised me,” Pidge explained. “I would get reassigned and he would get a new nemesis. I’ve been busting his scheme for nearly a year, and I thank whatever miracle that he still hasn’t worked out that I’m his nemesis.”

“How can he not know? All you do is put on a hat and glasses. You don’t even change your voice!”

“Look, are we really going to debate Lance’s intelligence? He has some strong suits, but he signed on to an evil organisation because their name was L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. And it took three weeks of being friends with him before he realised I was a girl.”

“To be fair, we were 12 at the time, but I see your point,” Hunk conceded. “But why stay as Lance’s nemesis? Franchise or not, you know Lance isn’t evil. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time taking down real bad guys?”

“Three reasons,” Pidge explained. “First, if I don’t do it, O.W.C.A. will send someone else, someone who will actually think he's evil. Second, Lance has been a surprisingly useful asset in undermining L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.

Any tech that fails with Lance tends to get scrapped, so stopping Lance also prevents some of the actually dangerous tech from being used by actual evil geniuses.”

“And the third?”

“Being Lance’s nemesis means that my work day is usually done by 5 and I get weekends off. Nothing wrong with appreciating a good work/life balance.”

Hunk rolled his eyes at this. “Alright, so what happens now?”

“Well it’s up to you,” Pidge explained. “Standard procedure would be to take you in to have your memory erased.”

Hunk choked on a piece of sandwich. A long sip of his drink helped him to speak again.

“Erase my memory?”

“Just the events of today,” Pidge assured him. “But if you promised to keep this secret under wraps I could conveniently forget the part where you recognised me when I file my report.”

Hunk deliberated for a moment. “Alright, I don’t like keeping this from Lance, but I’m not risking forgetting my great aunt’s banoffee pie recipe over this.”

“Thanks Hunk,” Pidge said gratefully.

“Though if you ask me, the real reason you like this gig is because you get to spend all your time with Lance.” Hunk emphasised his statement with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

Pidge glared at Hunk. “Don’t make me change my mind.”

“That wasn’t a no,” Hunk singsonged.

Pidge was about to respond only to let out a cough.

“You alright?”

“It’s nothing,” Pidge replied.

****

Wednesday morning was somewhat easier for Lance. The day’s Inator came in mostly assembled. So now all he had to do was wait for Pidge to arrive.

An hour later still had no Pidge. He was starting to worry. Just then, his phone rang. He answered for only to have his ear fill with the noise of hacking.

“Hey Lance,” Katie said in between coughs. “Sorry I can't make game night.”

“Jeez Katie, you don’t sound good.”

“It’s fine, just gotta rest up and I’ll recover soon.” She let out more coughs.

After hanging up with his friend, Lance felt conflicting emotions swirling in his chest. He really wanted to check on Katie, but he was also meant to be trying to take over the city in time to get thwarted.

It certainly was a dilemma.

****

Allura the Altruist was on her way home from stopping her nemesis when she got a call from Coran.

“Great work, Agent A. Though would you stopping by Lance McClain Evil Inc? Agent P is not feeling well.”

“Right away, Coran.”

Flying her car over to Lance’s evil lair, she parked her car on the roof and dropped elegantly through the sky light, ready to battle. To her surprise, the lair was completely abandoned. She then noticed a large device in plain sight with a note attached.

Dear Pidge,

Sorry I can’t be there. Had to go check on a sick friend. I’ve marked out the self destruct button. See you tomorrow.

Lance McClain

P.S. Curse you, Pidge the Paladin!

Against her better judgement, Allura pressed the marked out button. As she left the ruins of the lair, she couldn’t help but wonder if O.W.C.A should reassess Lance’s threat level.

****

“Here you are, Katie,” Lance said as he carried in a steaming bowl of soup.

“Thank you,” the sick girl wheezed as she took the soup. “You didn’t have to come over to take care of me. Don’t you have work?”

“It's all good,” Lance said dismissively. “I’ve got it covered. Besides, I wouldn’t leave you hanging.”

Katie blushed. If asked, she would claim it was fever.

****

On Thursday, a recovered Pidge arrived at Lance McClain Evil Incorporated, refreshed and ready for a day of thwarting. She flew in through an open window. As she arrived in the lair, she realised Lance wasn’t there.

“Er...hello?”

“Pidge! I’ll be right there,” Lance called out before coughing.

A dishevelled and ill-looking Lance stepped into the lair. He was still in his pyjamas and his lab coat was crooked.

“What a...an unexpected sur…” Lance started coughing again. “Sorry, think I might’ve caught something from my friend.”

Pidge looked at Lance in dismay. “You should be in bed,” she scolded.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Lance insisted. “So, behold my… achoo!.... Latest invention the...Something...inator!”

Lance gestured towards a crate that was barely even opened.

“With this I...shall take over the...world.” Lance’s half-hearted speech was shot through with more coughing.

“Lance, seriously, go to bed. I can come back and stop you tomorrow.”

“No, I flaked on you yesterday. I’m not going to do it twice.” Lance raised his fists, staggering slightly as he fought to keep balance. “Thwart me if you dare.”

Rather than fight, Pidge took hold of his hand and dragged him to the kitchen. She pushed him into a chair and silently heated up a can of chicken soup. She plopped the bowl in front of him and said, “Eat.” After making him eat all of it, she hauled him to his bedroom. She took off his lab coat and pushed him into his bed.

“There,” she quipped as she draped a blanket over him. “I’ve thwarted you. Now get some rest.”

“Curse you Pidge the...zzzzz,” Lance was asleep before he was even able to finish his sentence.

Not too long after, Katie arrived to check up on Lance.

****

Friday came as Pidge arrived at the hideout.

“Ah Pidge the Paladin, so nice to see you,” Lance greeted. “Sorry about dropping the ball the last couple of days. Still, I promise to make up for it as I unleash my TRINITY OF TERROR!”

There was a dramatic orchestra and flashes of lightning.

“Head office finally approved your effects budget?” PIdge asked.

“Why yes, thank you for noticing. Anyhoo, behold! The Degravitinator!” Lance held out a handheld, ray-gun-looking device. “Capable of disrupting the personal gravity of its victims. Behold the Plantinator!” He gestured towards a device with a large antenna. “Capable of sending out a pulse that will cause all the plants in the city area to grow at an uncontrollable rate. And finally the DX7J.” He pointed to a large cubic machine. “Capable of...something equally evil, I guess.” He noticed Pidge’s raising eyebrow. “Cut me some slack, not only did I have to finish building yesterday’s device, head office sent me two inators instead of one today. It's a miracle I know what the first two do.”

“And you had time to set up the special effects?”

“Look, are we going to fight or waste time criticizing my workplace priorities?”

Lance jumped back just in time to dodge a right hook from Pidge. He aimed the ray gun at Pidge and fired. Pidge jumped out of the way, narrowing missing the purple ray that shot out. The ray instead hit a nearby couch. It glowed purple as it started to float. Lance continued firing at Pidge. The agent kept ducking until a desk, several crates and a metal barrel were floating.

“Darn it!” Lance muttered. “Why didn’t they put a decent sight on this thing?”

Pidge leapt onto a floating crate, hoping to get high ground. She leapt to another crate to avoid the ray. She finally lunged at Lance with a flying kick. The kick hit Lance squarely in the chest before he could let out another shot. He fell back to the ground and accidentally pulled the trigger.

A purple beam shot out and hit the Plantinator. The Inator started to float in the air. Seeing her opportunity, Pidge kicked with all her might. It flew out the open balcony door. It then came to a rest between the two buildings.

Both Lance and Pidge stared at the floating Inator.

“Honestly, I wasn’t sure I was expecting,” Pidge admitted.

“Well, we can’t leave that out there,” Lance said. “Eventually, the ray will wear off, and it'll fall onto incoming traffic. I already got a citation for what happened with the Vapourmatroninator. I don’t need another.”

“Fair enough, any ideas?”

“Do you have your grappling gun?”

“In shop getting a tune up. You?”

“The winch on mine broke and I’m still waiting for the replacement to arrive. How about your hover car?”

“Came here on the moped today.”

“Fair enough.”

Lance turned a dial on the ray gun and aimed it at the floating Inator. He fired a red ray that vapourised the floating inator.

“That thing has a disintegrator setting?” Pidge asked in shock.

“Yeah, you really think that would be the main feature of this thing.”

“If it could do that, then why were you bothering with the gravity setting?”

“I’m not firing a disintegrator ray in my own lair,” Lance said indignantly.

“That’s surprisingly responsible of you.”

“Thank you.”

“Still got to destroy it.”

“Fair enough,” Lance replied as he turned the ray gun back to gravity mode.

Lance spun round, firing the ray gun at Pidge. Pidge dropped and sweeped out Lance’s legs, causing him fall flat on his back. “Nice move,” Lance said, winded but clearly impressed.

“Thanks.”

Pidge picked up the nearby raygun and smashed it against the handrail. She then started to head back inside to deal with the DX7J only for Lance to snatch her foot, tripping her up.

Lance scurried to place himself between Pidge and the DX7J.

What followed was another fist fight. Lance was holding his own until Pidge hit him with kick to the gut, knocking him backwards.

Lance bumped into the DX7J, turning it on. Sounds of moving parts and sloshing liquid echoed in the machine. Shortly afterwards, there was a loud ding and a small hatch on the device opened to reveal a cup of steaming liquid.

Curious, Lance picked up the cup and sniffed it. He then proceeded to take a sip, much to the panic of Pidge.

“False alarm,” Lance said. “This isn’t an Inator. It’s the coffee machine I ordered.”

“You ordered a coffee machine?”

“Yeah, and not just any coffee machine. This is top of the line, does everything from expressos to cappuccinos.”

“That sounds pricey.”

“I charged it to the head office,” Lance replied. “They’re an evil organisation trying to take over the world - the least they can do is fuel my caffeine addiction.” He proceeded to take another sip from his coffee.

Pidge nodded; she couldn’t really fault the logic.

“Wait, does that mean I already thwarted you?” She questioned.

Lance paused his drinking.

“Huh...I guess so...Oh well. CURSE YOU, PIDGE THE PALADIN!” He hollered before returning to his normal tone. “Do you want a coffee for the road? I’ve got a travel mug I can lend you.”

“Can that machine do a Chai Latte?”

Lance scoffed. “Do you honestly think I would charge my boss top dollar for a coffee machine that couldn’t do Chai Lattes?”

****

“So glad we managed to switch game night,” Lance said as he brought in a bowl of chips.

“I’m just glad neither of us are mucus factories anymore,” Pidge commented.

“I’m just glad I didn’t catch it,” Hunk commented. “So care to explain how all that stuff is floating?”

“Today’s evil invention was an antigravity ray.”

“Antigravity ray?” Hunk repeated in surprise. “How does that work?”

“I aimed the ray gun, pulled the trigger and then whatever got zapped with it would start floating.”

“No, I mean…” Hunk paused as the realisation of who he was talking to struck. “Nevermind.”

“I don’t get what the end game was,” Pidge commented “As cool as it is, I just don’t get how your bosses expected you to take over the world with an antigravity ray.”

“They don’t really look at how so much as they just throw whatever random idea that comes to them at me and wait to see what happens.” Lance explained. “I’m still not sure how I was supposed to take over the world with an iguana cannon.”

“Buddy, you really need to get out of this gig,” Hunk affirmed.

“Would love to, but we all know that’s not going to happen until my contract expires. Besides it's not so bad. I set my own hours, I don’t pay rent on this place and I now have a coffee machine. Speaking of coffee, you guys want one? It's pretty good.”

“I’m good,” Hunk said.

“Chai Latte, please,” Pidge requested absentmindedly.

Lance paused and stared at Pidge suspiciously.

“How do you know it can do Chai Lattes?”

“Would you honestly invest in a coffee machine that couldn’t do Chai Lattes?”

Lance let out a laugh.

“You got me there. One Chai Latte coming up."

As Lance went over to the coffee machine, Hunk turned to Pidge.

“You know, eventually, he is going to figure it out.”

“Agree to disagree,” Pidge replied as she watched Lance come back with her latte.

Lance handed to the latte to her. As she took a sip, Lance spoke.

“So guys, I’ve been wondering. Should I invite Pidge to join us for games night?”

PIdge did a spit take.

“Sorry,” she sputtered. “It’s a little hot.”

Hunk kept his composure.

“You want to invite the person whose job is to kick your butt on a daily basis to games night?”

“Alright firstly, I can hold my own just fine.”

“Have you ever stopped her from destroying your stuff?”

“Well, no, but that’s not the point,” Lance argued. “Neither of us take the whole thwarting thing personally, and she’s the closest thing I have to a work colleague that I actually like.”

“You like her?” Pidge asked, not really sure how to process this.

“Well sure, she’s skilled, self assured, witty and honestly kind of a badass,” Lance replied.

“She also wails on you almost every time you face off,” Hunk added.

“No one’s perfect,” Lance replied. “Come on, what could it hurt to ask her? If she says yes, it will be a chance to get to know her better.”

“If you feel so strongly, I think you should do it,” Pidge replied.

“What?” Hunk said in dismay.

“Great, next time I see her I’ll ask,” He looked down and realised his hands were empty. “Whoops, forgot my coffee.”

As he went to get it, Hunk turned back to Pidge.

“I know this week has been full of shocking revelations, but how do you plan to be two places at once?”

“I won’t have to,” Pidge replied. “I’ll simply say that O.W.C.A. forbids me from fraternising with supervillains outside of work.”

“You know that’s only going to be a temporary fix.”

“It will do for now,” Pidge replied. “I’ll cross that bridge when I reach it.”

“Yup,” Hunk replied. “Keep telling yourself that.”

[chibi-pix]

Lance: Pidge, I want to kiss you. Pidge: 😲 Lance: It’s for science Pidge: 🤩😍

Don’t get Pidge wrong, kissing/being kissed by Lance makes her happy, but expressing emotions about humans in this AU isn’t her specialty. Anyway! Here’s Lance giving the little evil genius a precious little smooch. 

Enjoy!

[kayssweetdreams]

Maestro Hiccups 2 Nightmares Unleashed Epilogue

Lance snapped his fingers, making the veil of Nightmares dissappear from those around him. The deepest fears of those in the real world vanished like a dark cloud from a stormy day. The inhabitants watched as Lance reversed the damage done to his hiccups. "It's working!! Keep going Lance!" Aria yelled.

Lance darted through all of Timeville, his magic undoing the terrors wrought on the world. A small smile gracing his face as he did. When he finally returned to the theater, he gave a sigh of relief. That's even Mei perked up "Um...Lance? What about us?" She asked. Lance simply gave a chuckle and snapped his fingers again, returning the humans to their normal selves.

"Thank Goodness that's over!" Rebecca cheered, looking out into the now revived Timeville. Trisha Jane however, had a thoughtful look on her face "Erm Lance? Won't Wizeman notice that You, NiGHTS and Balan are clones? The ones he had in his hands?" She asked.

Lance gave a somewhat evil smile "Oh he'll know very soon too. I had the fake Balan do something, that should be familiar to you..." He said. The genius girl then saw various empty bottles of soda, along with Balan drinking several cups of Wonder Fruit Tea.

Kaylo glanced up at Lance "Lance...what did you do?"

Meanwhile, Back in the Realm of Nightmare...

Reala's eyes twitched as he had he heard various sounds coming from him. After He had followed Wizeman back into the rift, he noticed that Balan was beginning to hiccups. At first he hoped it would just be the opposite effect of Lance's, and make one good dreams appear, but instead, he found himself making random sound effects whenever he moved.

"It's not so bad!" He heard Jackle cackle, as he had only had his form of speech affected, and becamea flirting menace (he tried his new pick up lines on Puffy..it didn't end well). "Yes it IS! I'm supposed to be a Nightmaren! Not a sound effects machine!" He grumbled, as the two of them entered Wizeman's chambers...

"Reala! Jackle! I'm so glad you're back!

They heard their master say...in a surprisingly kind voice? The two of them felt Wizeman's hand softly petting them.

"Do you mind if you two could go fetch NiGHTS? I made some chocolate chip cookies for everyone! And I really miss my little princess!"

Both Nightmarens jaws dropped at what Wizeman was saying. Making Cookies? Affectionate nicknames? This couldn't be the same person that created them!! Nonetheless, the two still obliged "Of course Master Wi-" Reala stopped talking as a very loud, and very long fart sound could he heard as he bowed.

"I hate these Hiccups..."

THE END!!

Mei belongs to @sundove88

Rebecca belongs to @thehypercutstudios/@thehyperrequiem

Trisha Jane Belongs to @lovelyteng

Aria belongs to @shadowqueen402

[silvermun]

OK so I’ve got one for yea that might be kind of an interesting one. Sonic finally gets the chance to return to his world but accidentally ends up taking Callaburn and Lancelot with him. He ends up having to teach the two of them about the modern day so that way they won’t find themselves being confused during their stay there while tails figures out a way to send them back to their dimension/timeline. Eventually Eggman attacks during their stay in sonics world and Lancelot becomes protective and tries to fight Eggman himself without knowing anything about the evil genius. Eventually Lancelot meets Sonic’s friends and he finds himself mistaking Amy and silver for Lady Nemo and his son Galahad.

i do love the fun concept of lance (or any of the satbk crew) ending up in the present timeline lmao adjusting to the current times would be a huge challenge for sure 😭 explaining dopplegangers and stuff would 100% be confusing and imagining the confusion between all of them is really funny to me djhfjfh

i dont think lance would rlly just go off on his own to fight eggman though especially with the predicament theyre in LOL and he's well aware sonic is a very competent fighter but should something come up then maybe!

[eviltothecore13]

I’ve seen a theory that Netflix Wesker was originally a white blond guy like in the games and was resurrected after dying in a volcano (confirmed to have still happened in this timeline) in a new body and all I have to say is NO NO NO PLEASE DON’T DO THAT

1) This idea sounds heavily like Get Out. But Get Out is a film ABOUT racism. This show was originally cast without regard to race, with Lance Reddick being cast because he was the best actor for the part and he wanted to play him, which implies that the plot was not written with making a point about racism in mind. In addition, the showrunner is white. I think this story turning into a white guy’s attempt to make a point about race by ripping off Get Out would be Bad.

2) Many fans of colour are very excited to see an AU where such a major and popular character is a POC. Revealing him to be actually white and simply taking over a Black guy’s body takes that away. There’s no reason why Wesker should have to be a white blond guy in every timeline, and the showrunner previously made a point of Wesker’s race not mattering to the character...the MCU didn’t need an in-universe REASON why their version of Nick Fury is Black, they just went “different universe” and that was it. And honestly, if the character is just a white guy’s mind in a Black guy’s body...I’m not sure that even really counts as representation/as a Black character at all. I’ve seen fans of colour who love Wesker getting so excited about this casting and I don’t think any of them would be happy to discover that the Black character they were intrigued by is actually just a white guy pretending to be Black.

3) One reason I’ve seen people of colour excited about this is that a lot of Black villains are stereotyped as simply thugs, very rarely do you get a charismatic, complex, genius evil mastermind (i.e. the type of villain who lots of people love) who is Black...in fact genius characters who are Black are already not that common...think of the implications of “the Black science genius is actually a white guy’s mind in a Black guy’s body”...

4) It doesn’t make sense with the timeline anyway. Wesker in this AU is confirmed to have still died in the volcano IN 2009. The kids are 14 in 2022, they were born in 2008 and they were created from Wesker’s DNA. This only works if Wesker was ALREADY Black BEFORE the volcano.

Instead of making up “what if the Black character that many fans of colour are excited about is actually white?” theories, why can’t we just accept that, like so many other characters (e.g. MCU Nick Fury, Catwoman in The Batman, Watson in Elementary, Jack Crawford in Hannibal, Moneypenny in the recent Bond films, Deathstroke in the Arrowverse...), he’s just a different ethnicity in this universe because...it’s a different universe and things don’t have to be exactly the same and him being Black doesn’t prevent him being a science genius, a strategic mastermind, or a complex, interesting, and enjoyable character??

[talas-first-lady]

Ok but also can we discuss FMK: Sara, Ava, Astra?

First of all, you literally cannot kill Sara Lance. The episode kind of hits you in the face with a ladder repeatedly to drive that point home. If you attempt to kill Sara, YOU will end up dead.

Sara will also absolutely, without hesitation, kill you if you fuck Ava, marry Ava, or kill Ava.

And Ava may not be a trained assassin, but she knows how to hide a dead body, so you’d better not think about touching her wifey.

So it’s really a terrible game of FMK - unless you are Captain Zari Tarazi of the USS Spoonstra, evil genius, and you are trying to get Spooner to admit her secret feelings.

(Obviously Zari miscalculated, but I like her initiative.)