the-vampire-lance

[the-vampire-lance]

Have you ever had a Mouthful of water and suddenly get a hiccup and wind up having some of that water go down the wrong tube?

FYI not a pleasant experience I want to go through again. 😓

I was hacking up water for several minutes. 🤮

I would have never thought it would be possible to almost drown on land.

Drink bottled water at your own risk. 🤣

[the-vampire-lance]

Voltron fanfiction: vampire haze

The plot takes place on an abandoned galra ship (aka: a ghost ship XD ) and team voltron board it to find out what happened and what information they can get from said ship. While searching, something weird is going on with lance …

Can team voltron figure out the mystery of this ghost ship before it’s too late?

I had this idea on the back burner for a while now and had started writing this story but got a little discouraged wondering if anyone will even read this story.

If you’re interested in this story and want me to finish writing it, please send me feedback. I really need the motivation and feedback is sorely needed.

Here’s the link to my stories so far on aooo

-> Voltron fanfic vampire haze link <-

Story preview

lance stood in the doorway watching the hall when Keith piped up “lance! Could you give me a hand here!” Apparently Keith had found a door that was stuck and couldn’t pry it open himself. Lance huffed “alright I’m coming”

But As lance made his way towards Keith-

“Lance”

Lance froze, hearing a familiar voice from behind him. He turned around to see a short figure stand just outside the door peeking in.

Lance’s eyes widened in surprise and shock. Only able to mumble one word.

“Sylvio?”

He couldn’t believe his eyes. Standing there in the doorway Was his nephew.

Meanwhile.

Keith was getting frustrated with the door he was trying to open, to no avail. He thought he heard Lance mumble something. But didn’t pay it any mind.

But when Lance didn’t come to help him, Keith started wondering what was taking lance and looked behind him.

Lance wasn’t anywhere to be found.

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance: I bet Keith would eat all my garlic knots too.

Keith: lance your a vampire. You can’t have garlic knots anyway!

Lance: AHA! So you admit you would eat um!

Keith: OMQ sometimes I can’t with you. 🤦‍♂️

Typical Lance and Keith argument. 🤣

[the-vampire-lance]

And also the legend himself

MR. T

Some of the greatest African American actors I grew up watching.

These are some of the movies and tv shows that these actors starred in that I grew up watching.

Bill Cosby, James Baskett, Hattie McDaniel

Will Smith, Chris Tucker, Whoopi Goldberg

Eddie Murphy, Halle Berry

Damon Wayans, Mark Curry, Queen Latifah

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance: At least you can pull off the white hair look.

And the reason turning grey or white is better then balding is-

You can just dye it back.

Shiro: true………… I always wanted to try doing color streaks. Maybe black with some red highlights.

Lance: there you go! Now we’re talkin!

What shiro thinks of his hair

OR…

[the-vampire-lance]

Voltron: vampire lance doesn’t like dolls

Team Voltron just finishes alliance negotiations with a new planet that joined the Voltron coalition. The team reconvenes on the bridge of the castleship.

Hunk: boy that was a great feast they had. So many new foods, I was afraid I wouldn’t get to try them all.

Lance: the animal blood they gave me was pretty good too. Never thought there’d be an animal that has a vegetable flavor to it.

Allura: not only that, the queen gifted me this cute little porcelain doll.

Lance saw the doll and paled.

Lance: Allura, when did they give you that doll? 😨

Allura: the queen gave it to me as I was getting into my lion.

Pidge: interesting looking doll. It even has some colorful face paint.

Lance edges over to hide behind hunk.

Allura: Lance, what do you think? Doesn’t she look quite attractive? (She say bouncing her eyebrows.)

Lance: NOOooooooo! Keep that thing away from me.

Hunk: dude you ok?

Pidge: what are you gonna do with it Allura?

Lance: if she’s smart, she’ll toss it in an airlock and eject it into space!

Keith: ok seriously Lance, what is your problem?!

Lance: that evil little hell spawn is my problem!

Pidge: the doll? 🤨

Lance: YES THE DOLL!

Shiro: can we ask why?

Lance: three words? DEMONICALLY. POSSESSED. DOLL.

Keith: ……. What? 😒

Lance: you guys have never heard of those?! Seriously?! They have horror movies about um!

Shiro: but that’s just the movies Lance. it’s not real.

Lance: actually shiro, they are very much real. Your people even have urban legends about these things. My sire was locked in a room with a bunch of these things! They swarmed and attacked her. She got out alive but she was left traumatized from the experience! Heck, I didn’t believe her when she told me what happened, but I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not dropping my guard around one of those things ever again!

Hunk: wait what do you mean you’ve learned your lesson? Did something happen to you too?

Lance: YES!

Shiro: Lance, not that I don’t believe you, but that doll is tiny, your big. And an immortal vampire. What could it possibly do to you?

Lance: SHIRO, IT. JUMPED. ON. MY. FACE. AND. BIT. MY. NOSE. OFF!!! 😠

Everyone: 😧?!?!…………

Keith: your lying. You still have a nose right now.

Lance: it grew back. Vampires can grow back their limbs if they lose them.

Pidge: every limb? 😏 (she asks suggestively)

Lance narrows his eyes at her.

Lance: If you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting then yes pidge, EVERY LIMB. it’s impossible to castrate a vampire.

Hunk: that’s rough though. It bit off your nose?! That must have hurt.

Lance: it did. And it ran off with it afterwards. I chased after it to try to get my nose back. And of course My sire waited till after the little shit escaped through a hole in the wall to tell me my nose already grew back!

Pidge: lmao XD

Keith: *snickers*

Allura: and how certain are you that this doll is somehow demonically possessed?

Lance: pretty damn sure. But there’s only one way to find out.

Pulls out a cross and some holy water.

Lance: if it’s possessed, it will react to these.

As soon as Lance says that, the doll’s mouth starts moving and says-

Doll: hi I’m lillyfell. AND I WANT TO EAT YOUR FACE! 💀

Everyone froze.

Hunk: 😨 no. Fuckin. Way-

Just as he says that, the dolls mouth cracks open like its face was cracked but in the shape of razor sharp teeth and then jumps on lance’s face.

Lance: AGGGHHH! FUCK NOT AGAIN! 😫

—————————————————————————-

Yeah I don’t think it liked Lance calling it an “evil little hell spawn”.

Nor do I think it appreciated the threat of being ejected, the space. 🤣

[the-vampire-lance]

Can you imagine if this was a conversation between Lance and hunk? Lol

Hunk: are you kidding me? Come back, you’re drunk!

Lance: don’t worry bro, I called an uber.

Hunk: we drank at your place 😒

Lance: oh……. Where am I going?

…….

…….

Hunk, come rescue me, I think I’m being kidnapped!

Hunk: omg are you serious right now?!

Lance: hello this is the uber driver. We are still in the driveway. Come get him. 😑

—————-

Funny plot twist, Keith is the uber driver lol XD

Now imagine how this conversation looked from inside the uber car lol.

Lance: hay driver, take me to (insert address)

Uber driver Keith: ……..dude we are already at your destination.

Lance: no we’re not! We didn’t even move!

Keith: I teleported.

Lance: whooooa! You guys can do that?

Phone dings.

Lance: oh hay it’s my buddy hunk. I. Left. Early. Sorry. I. Couldn’t. Stay. Longer.. and send.

Phone dings.

Lance: I’m, going, home.

Phone dings

Lance: *giggles* don’t worry bro, I called an uber.

Phone dings.

Lance: ….. oh…… where am I going?

Keith: apparently home.

Lance: ……… (whispers cause he thinks Keith won’t hear him) Hunk, come rescue me, I think I’m being kidnapped!

Keith: OK GIMME THAT THING! 😠

Grabs phone from lance and starts typing as Lance reaches and grabs all over him to get the phone.

Keith: hello this is the uber driver. We are still in the driveway. Come get him. 😑 OW! STOP BITING ME! DX

[the-vampire-lance]

The lady saw Keith’s tail going and giggled. With how fast that tail was going, he was splashing water like crazy. She thanked Arceus she was on the front end of Keith.

“With how fast that tail is going, you could use your pokemon as a boat propeller while on a raft. All you’d have to do is get him started up with the ear scritches lol.” The lady commented.

“Yeah, you totally could lol” Lance replied laughing at the image of Keith sitting at the back of a raft with his tail in the water, wagging really fast. Making them zoom through the water.

The rest of the bath went by in no time, Keith was all cleaned up and dried, all the dirt from when he played with iris gone, his coat shined like silk. and just as soft. He also smelled pretty too.

Next was the pedicure. The lady showed them to another room where pokemon of all kinds were getting their nails and claws done.

Once Keith was sat on the cushion, the lady began her work.

“Oh right! Do you want your Pokémon’s claws to be sharp or dulled down? Most people who bring their pokemon in for nail trimming want them dull so the Pokemon doesn’t scratch up their furniture. Trainers however prefer them sharp for battles.”

Lance thought it over and looked at Keith.

“What do you think buddy? Want your claws sharp or dull?”

Lance didn’t realize it at first but the woman was actually looking at Lance funny. She found it strange that a trainer would ask their pokemon what they want done with their nails.

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

“You can sit right there and wait as I give your pokemon his bath.” The lady pointed to a seat against the wall. Lance nodded and sat down and pulled out the travel brochures he had from earlier.

The lady began by rinsing Keith fur till he was completely soaked. Then she pored some of the herbal oils on him and massaged it in. At one point she got to his face and gently rubbed the oils into and affectionately squished his cheeks.

“So cute! Your pokemon is absolutely adorable!”

Lance chuckled. “Yeah he is awsome. He loves it when you give him scratches behind the ear.”

She beamed and started doing just that as she massaged Keith’s head.

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance chuckled and got the hint. “Lol ok buddy. I’ll come with ya.”

They walked through the door and the masseuse showed them to a room with a bunch of baths. There was quite a few different types too. A mud bath, a salt bath, a sand bath, a steam bath and several different types of herbal baths.

“Alright this way.” The masseuse showed them to the cubicle with a bathtub ment for Keith.

“Can you take off your Pokémon’s garments so we can begin with his herbal and salt bath.”

Lance nodded and knelt down and removed the outfit Keith was wearing from the pageant.

Once the outfit was off, the lady gestured for Keith to get in the bath.

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance filled out the form and brought it back up to the receptionist then took his seat and waited for them to call their names.

“Lance and Keith!” A masseuse came out and called their names.

“Ok buddy, that’s us.”

They walked up to the masseuse and she greeted them.

“Alright sir, we will take your pokemon back to get his spa treatment. Would you like to sit in or wait out here? It’s not uncommon for trainers to sit with their pokemon during the treatment to calm them if they feel uncomfortable or confused.”

Lance turned to Keith and patted him on the head so he could hear Keith’s mental thoughts. “What do you think buddy? Think you’ll be ok by yourself? Want me to come with you or wait outside?”

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

I really hate when I’m scrolling through my tumblr recommendations and at random a post of some naked slut with her boobs and puss showing on full Display shows up on my screen.

Seriously, this is a social media site, NOT A PORN WEBSITE!

If I want to see pictures of some butt naked cheap slut with no self respect (and if I was a lesbian. Which I’m NOT.) I’d go to a damn porn site!

Seriously! Why is tumblr recommending those posts?!

I also hate when some random bimbo messages me, asks for my personal info and sends me a picture of them.

GDI I’m not a dude and I’m not a lesbo. This isn’t that kind of blog! Stop messaging me!

[the-vampire-lance]

And I see your three and raise you three more 😆

Keith: lance this isn’t a contest on how many faces I can make!

Lance: yes it is 😊

Funniest faces Keith ever made

Keith: lance I’m mostly annoyed in these pictures! AND AT YOU!

Lance: yeah you make the funniest annoyed faces 😊

Keith: is that why your always annoying me?!

Lance: …. Noooooooooo….

Keith: ………

Lance: …… (runs)

Keith: …. GET BACK HERE MCCLAIN! I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance listened to Keith’s mental thoughts.

“Whatever I think is best huh? If it were me, I’d go all out dude. I’d get the pedicure, the hydrotherapy plus salt scrub bath. Mud facial and massage. But I know you’re not that big on too much touching from strangers. You sure you wanna go with anything I’d recommend?”

Then lance noticed Keith staring out the window and followed his gaze.

“What cha looking at bud?”

Then He sees team rocket.

“…….. those guys I swear do not know how to wear convincing disguises.” He say with a deadpanned look.

He looks them dead in the eye and does the hand finger gesture that says ‘I’m watching you!’

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

They reached the spa and Lance walked up to the front desk.

“Hi I’d like to check my pokemon in for a spa treatment.”

The lady at the front desk smiled and responded. “Sure thing. What is your pokemon?”

“A new breed of lycanroc”

The lady looks down at Keith.

“Really? Huh.. we don’t have any info on lycanroc here. Can you give us some basic info? What type is it? And what should we avoid using on your pokemon?”

Lance thought about it and responded. “Well he is a rock type but he has no aversion or issues with water. You can pretty much treat him like a normal type. Though keep dairy products away from him, he can’t ingest dairy.”

The lady nodded and wrote down all the info.

“Ok then. Here’s a clipboard with all the different spa treatments we provide. Takes this, have a seat and fill this out. When you’re done, bring it up to me and I’ll finish your paperwork. Then an employee will call you up to take your pokemon back to get their spa treatment.”

“Thank you ma’am”

Lance took the clipboard and went to sit down. He looked over the options and held the clipboard so Keith could see.

“What do you think buddy? What would you like to try? I’d recommend a mud facial, massage and salt bath. Those are always relaxing”

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance blinked in surprise.

“…. Ok that’s surprising. Usually they keep going at it till they get shot into orbit by an explosion and shout “looks like team rockets blasting off again!”……. Think they might be up to something?”

Lance looks at Keith in question.

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

Oh nonono Matt isn’t making any cookies. He’s over here on the dark side EATING cookies.

Hay pidge!

COME! JOIN THE DARK SIDE!

WE GOT COOKIES! 😁

Their peanut butter cookies! 😄

(Entices You over to the dark side with a plate of peanut butter cookies)

well,, I can never say no to some peanut butter cookies,,

is it the same recipe Hunk uses? because those are GOOD.