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laufire · 3 years

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RNM 3x04

Although I’m enjoying the season so far, I gotta say, the episodes feel super disconnected, this one most of all. I blame the fact that Liz (THE LEAD) and Rosa still aren’t participating in the main fucking plot :)))

I’m still extremely wary of Rosa’s storyline. I think it makes sense for the character, and that *for now* they’re keeping it in line with it being more about Rosa proyecting/exorcising her issues than about Wyatt Long’s manpain, but. I’m eyeing it. And I really want her to be more involved in the main plot/do more stuff. Now that Kyle is in peril and Long is leaving town (which made me wonder whether he’ll become a suspect, actually), I hope that’s where she’s headed. I loved her art (it always has so much personality in it, I love how they do it) and her quote about people changing and becoming who they want to be.

I feel that with this storyline I’m doing a reverse of my usual “things I roll with in fiction but wouldn’t stand for irl” LOL. Because if I was in Rosa’s shoes I WOULD try to deradicalize someone like Long -and there’s no shortage of people like Long in my hometown, so I’m not just talking out of my ass here-, less for him and more as harm reduction and for my own morals. But this could derail Rosa’s storyline in really annoying ways. And I REALLY don’t trust this show’s track record with race. On top of that, a lot of the discourse around redemption arcs~ conveniently omits the fact that only white male characters are pressumed to get them after they commit horrible acts. Why can’t Flint, a MoC, be the one to get a redemption arc instead, for example? It could’ve been painfully easy to switch their storylines, and it could’ve been interesting since Rosa actually disliked him in high school. But the show suddenly decided to care for Long’s inner life. Because white characters (and people) are afforded more complexity by others, more good faith.

I’m not TOO worried about Kyle because it feels too early in the season to fully close that plot. But if they killed him I don’t know that I could continue with the show. I adore Rosa, but her storyline isn’t grabbing me; and I dig Michael’s family drama with Nora and the dictator, but they’re not as ~dear to me. Kyle this season was the one reuniting it all. And they can’t kill him before we figure out everything with the communicator and his father!! C’mon. Anyway. I did love him this episode, helping out; and his scenes with Michael (my rareship is sailing! xDD) were great, from their bitchiness with the radio to their perspectives during their argument. The moment Michael pushes him to take cover and then removes Kyle’s hand from his shoulder asldkfjaf. This fandom is weak for not writing me multiple pages of this rareship, js.

Speaking of rareships sailing LOL, I can’t believe after my joke post about Bert x Kyle I got a mini scene asdlfjasdf, where Bert talks to Kyle and pays a compliment to his mother. I’ve also said since then that I wanted more Bert in the show, but frankly, I wish it was for more alien/conspiracy/fun stuff (like his artisanal beer or his werewolf obsession! or get into the main alien plot!), and not an Issue Storyline that I don’t even trust the show to handle properly.

Maria and Isobel’s vision quest was fun, although I resent the fact that the Liz we saw for half the episode was a fake (seriously, BRING HER TO THE DAMN MAIN PLOT ALREADY). I don’t care much for the two of them bonding, tbh, but if it’s what Maria wants, so be it. And her moments with Kyle this season have made me more lenient towards Isobel, at least. I’m also curious about some of the elements in the quest: the first things Maria sees are Michael sitting in her bar and Rosa painting her table <33. Bert is around being attacked by racists. I also dig that either/both of them pictured Kyle in his doctor getup (with the radio).

Wrt the vision itself, I’m still on denial about the dead being Kyle lol. I’ve heard all the theories: fake death to hide the aliens (I hope that can get solved because if Kyle couldn’t for some reason continue his career in medice it would CRUSH him), and his mother (please don’t) seem the most likely options after this episode. Others are Sanders (for the hints in last week’s) or even Arturo (for Rosa and Liz’s reactions, although obviously the “Valenti” crest wouldn’t make sense there). I also don’t see how it makes sense to cover Kyle’s death if Logan killed him? Unless Max tries to heal him and leaves a handprint. Anyway, I hope none of the above die and it can be resolved. And BTW: the SPN war flashbacks I’ve witnessed in the tags with the “killing” method are. Something. I think RNM still kept the scene dramatic and the audience concerned, but man. The risk of that reference... I don’t know that it was worth it lol.

BRING LIZ TO THE MAIN STORYLINE FFS. I like what we see of her on LA in abstract, but in practice... she’s the lead ffs. One episode where she’s out and having a nice time dancing (those scenes were lovely, admittedly) like this one can be great, but after three episodes where she’s been so removed of it all? Nuh huh. Given recent events (Kyle’s attack, the handprint on her chest reacting, her resignation) I hope it changes soon. And I hope Heath can be taken at face value, because I don’t trust this show’s track record with MoC that could inconvenience its storylines (see Noah and Diego, or even Flint). Also, I LOLED at her dream in the beginning, with her imagining Max apologizing to her and expressing her own concerns about getting lost in their relationship lmfao (as if that would ever cross his mind xD).

His scenes with Kyle seem designed to get Michael out of his funk wrt his heritage, and I appreciate it (especially if it’s THIS, and not the useless or even counterproductive pep talks of anyone else Michael cares more about that does the trick lol). I’m still eagerly awaiting for development on this front. Related to that, I’ve seen the theories about Jones being his father, but. Eh. It’s not that I don’t see how it could be possible (he’s incredibly powerful and can make fire), but. To put it bluntly? I don’t think the actor can pull off what I want from the Dictator. I want someone charismatic, and preferably visibly older than Michael that actually looks like his father. Jones would be a terrible miscast on both accounts. If they bring someone else JUST for Michael it could also be a sign of him really taking over the storyline (which I’m still iffy about because of my other faves, but it’s an interesting way to see where the show is headed).

I feel they could have taken Jones to more interesting places but there’s still time. The good news is that he shaved his godawful beard AND saved a dog’s life lol. Also, am I the only one that thought he might’ve known Noah, when he grabbed his and Isobel’s picture? I’m curious about that.

#roswell: new mexico #roswell thoughts #rosa ortecho #wyatt long #flint manes #kyle valenti #guerenti #rnm bert #bert x kyle #maria deluca #isobel evans #liz ortecho #michael guerin #the dictator #mr. jones #my thoughts #talking to the void #roswell spoilers #rnm spoilers

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kay-diggle · 4 years

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You & I

Anon requested: hiii i LOVE ur acc, ty for sharing ur writing!! can u pls write a drabble ab yoongi being rly introverted and not rly liking anyone other than his girl and in public he only wants to be around her and at home it’s like that as well and when the fuck it’s always deep and hard and always leaves y/n shaking okay ty hahah

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Summary: Basically...... you take Yoongi around people and he fucks you for it.

Pairing: Yoongi x Female Reader, Established Relationship

Genre & Rating: Smut, 18+

Warnings: anit-social Yoongi (could be read as being possessive tbh), dom!yoongi, sub!reader, vaginal intercourse unprotected sex (pls use protection guys!), overstimulation, squirting

Length: 1.6k

Notes: HEY ANON! I’m happy you like my account. Omg this has been in my ask box for such a long and I sincerely apologize for taking so long with it. I hope it doesn't totally suck and was worth the wait :) pls enjoy {Requests are closed}

Kay-Diggle’s Materlist

When you had first started dating Yoongi, he made it clear to you that he had some…. particular tastes. Specifically, your presence was the only one that didn’t bother him immensely.

See, he’s extremely antisocial and hates human contact. This you knew. He made SURE that this was something you were aware of before you had even started dating.

So as he was sitting in the corner of the room, couldn’t help but wonder ‘Why on God’s green earth would you take him to a party’?

Nursing his drink, he couldn’t help the way his eyes followed you around the room. You had tried to get him to dance, play beer pong, mingle a little bit, anything, but he wouldn’t budge. And although you were having fun with your friends, you could only really focus on the fact that your boyfriend was staring at you, but wouldn’t talk to you. It gave you a sense of confidence but also made you crave more of his attention, his touch. And when you saw him giving you <he look, you knew exactly what was on his mind.

Needless to say, the two of you weren’t at the party for much longer.

And like a scene from a movie, you were making out while finding your way back inside of his apartment, slamming each other against the nearest wall while simultaneously tugging off your shoes and jackets, and leaving a trail of them into his bedroom. Once inside, Yoongi turned you around before tightening his grip on your waist and pushing your center forward towards his desk, making you bend over it.

A surprised gasp left your mouth followed by a moan once you felt his fingers lightly rubbing over the wet spot on your panties that you wore under the dress that had rode up your thighs because of this new position.

Yoongi grabbed both of your wrists, holding them in one of his hands while using the other to pull up what he referred to as your “slutty little dress.” He felt you up, kneading the skin of your ass and biting his lip to hold in a groan before using his other hand to gather your hair into a makeshift ponytail.

“So baby, you dragged me to a party tonight right? Even though you know I don’t like what?” he asked, waiting for your response and you knew you had to give one.

“Parties or people,” you were quick to answer.

“And then you left me alone, also knowing what?”

“You don’t like to be out in public without me.”

“So what were you tonight?

“I was a bad girl….” you mumbled out.

“Hmmm, yes you were. A very bad girl, baby.”

“Please, Yoongi, please touch me,” you whined out.

He leaned over you, making sure his lips were so close to your ear that you could feel the heat of his breath while he talked to you.

“Is that all that you want baby?” he said, fingers ghosting up your legs. “Or do you want more?”

“More, more,” you sounded so childlike that it amused Yoongi and he chuckled.

“Okay, I’ll give you more then, Y/n. I’ll give you everything you want babe,” he kissed the shell of your ear and then stood back up and dragged your panties down your legs before widening them.

You rubbed your bare ass against him, feeling his hard on strained against the tightness of his jeans. He smacked one of your cheeks in return and moved back a little. You weren’t aware that he had been unbuckling his belt and pushing his pants down just enough to unclothe his cock, so to say you were surprised when you felt the tip of his length pushing past your wet lips would be an understatement.

Your eyes rolled to the back of your head when you felt him bottom out inside of you. Since you weren’t prepped beforehand, the stretch was so delicious that it brought tears to your eyes.

“Ugh, FUCK Yoongi,” you semi-screamed out when he gave you one hard thrust of his hips, pushing his member deep into you and pausing.

He chuckled slightly at your response before continuing his movements, rocking into you from behind. He chose to let go of your hair, allowing it to fall into your face before using his now free hand to push your cheek against the wood of the dresser and speed up the pace of his hips. Wet clapping sounds filled the room as you felt his balls slapping against your clit from the way he was fucking you so hard, bringing you closer to your end sooner than you expected.

“God, yoongi..hmffph so good,” you moaned out despite his hand trying to keep your mouth closed.

“Yea? You love the way I fuck you with my cock, right? My desperate slut just can’t get enough hmm?” he emphasized his words with his thrusts.

When he let go of your hands and removed his own from its position on your cheek, they found purchased on your hips, gripping and allowing him to pull you back into his thrusts, fucking you deeper as the end result. The moans that you were letting out at this point were uncontrollable. You were so close and he was fucking you so deep, so deep you knew you wouldn’t be able to take it for much longer.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” you rushed out, hoping he would be able to remotely understand what you said.

You knew he heard you when you felt one of his hands move from your hips and slip its way down and in between your legs, directly pressing into your clit and rubbing you there. It didn’t take long, maybe four or five more thrusts until you came all over him.

Your mouth hung wide open spilling out whatever jumbled words you were able to put together while your mind was still hazy from the amazing orgasm Yoongi gave you, and it didn’t exactly help that he hadn’t stopped his thrusts.

You weakly swung a hand out behind you, pushing on Yoongi’s abdomen as to warn him that the overstimulation was becoming too much; however, he only grabbed your hand and pinned it down to your back in response, slowing down his thrusts and strategically rolling his hips into you.

“Yoongi… too much,” you tried pleading with him, but you knew it’d be futile.

“Hmm.. I don’t know y/n. I think you can take it. You can be a good girl and take it, right?” the smirk on his face was evident in his voice.

“Yes, Yoongi! I’ll be your good good girl, I promise.” You were more focused on pleasing your boyfriend than the sensitivity you were feeling.

And he was happy with your answer, you knew he was. And you couldn’t help to be the slightest bit disappointed when his member slipped out of you, but figured it was done on purpose when you felt him grab your hair to lift you off of the desk and walk you over to an open space in the bedroom.

“Touch your toes baby,” he instructed you.

You were a bit scared because you’d never done a position like this before, but it also excited you, arousal beginning to drip out of you again.

“You know what,” he started when he pushed his entire length into you, making you push your palms into the floor to balance yourself, “You’re lucky I’m even letting you cum twice after what you did today,” he commented.

You didn’t even know his goal was to get you to reach your peak once more, but you weren’t opposed to it. Especially not when Yoongi’s hands found their way back to your hips again, gripping them tightly before fucking his cock deep into you. Your pelvis’ smacked together so hard that it almost hurt. Your walls were clamping down onto him, adding to his own pleasure but he was determined to ruin you on his cock one more time before he gave into his own desires.

And he didn’t have to wait very long. In this position, he was able to go deeper than ever and reach spots you didn’t even know existed. And when he began to consistently brush against that special spot of yours, you knew you were a goner.

You chanted his name as you came all over him again, legs shaking while your juices spilled out of you, dripping down his balls and both of our legs. You had definitely squirted and didn’t have the strength to keep yourself in your current position, so you forced your walls to tighten around him as much as they could, propelling him into his orgasm.

Pulling out of you, he rubbed his member until the cum splattered out, painting your backside white. You allowed him to admire his work for a few seconds before you couldn’t take it any longer. Your shaky legs completely gave out and you fell to the ground, catching your breath as you watched your boyfriend approach you. He helped you take off the dress and jewelry you had mistakenly kept on during your rush to fuck before he got naked himself and picked up your weak body, helping you to lay down in bed with him so you could cuddle.

“Yoongi, I can’t believe you fucking came all over my dress. What the hell!!” you lightly slapped his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s not like you’ll need it anymore” he replied so nonchalantly.

“And why won’t I?”

“Because, we’re not going out anymore. No more parties okay. We’re staying cooped up in here forever. Just you and I.”

#bts #bts smut #yoongi drabble #yoongi imagine #yoongi oneshot #yoongi smut #bts min yoongi #yoongi x reader #yoongi x y/n #kpop bts #kpop smut #yoongi scenario

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fallingsunflower · 3 years

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BESTIES I'm so sorry - I hit my post limit waaaay earlier than expected! Some of y'all joined me on my backup account, (which I also hit the limit on lmao), but I'm back now.

I had over 400 asks to go through and I'll give you a warning that not all of them will appear (either because they were old or because they were topics we already answered). But here is a giant list of asks I compiled for you from when I wasn't allowed to post lol they don't really require my response but I found them entertaining to read. Hope you don't mind I've just put them all together in one post. It's also to save me from using up my 250 posts lol

"this is all so embarrassing like my god imagine when the promotion of the movie starts how horrible it will be for other people who made the movie too"

"SELL UR TICKETS TODAY WATCH THE MOVIE ILLEGALLY, next article we’ll be talking about these two assholes filing for bankruptcy. cheap harlots. don’t mess with your meal ticket."

"hate to say it but i defs think they‘ve got a sliver of the gp’s attention for five minutes"

"I am scanning through all these photos looking for just ONE where he looks like he's smiling and enjoying this. It's so crazy."

"I guess those are all the pics we’re getting right now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they finish the Italy trip off with one more major Backgrid photo shoot."

"Olivia’s trending on Twitter but not Harry. Like it’s obvious who’s getting the PR gains here!"

"If they dont give us a 6 month or more break after this im gonna need them to pay for my therapy bills from now on bc of this damage no joke let me crawl back into my shit hole now 😑"

"The palce they at is referred to as “tuscanys best-kept secret”. Everyone point and laugh."

"she looks like she’s enjoying all of this. he looks like he wants to push her into the water."

"a few people said he’s keeping his shorts pulled up or covered in all the shots because of the Nike branding which they ask to not get photographed. What a setup."

"Man I knew the second those Tomdaya pics came out of them kissing and how they were trending so fast that HO were going to do something to 'top' them. Its pathetic /// FRRR. she probably hoped for the positive reactions that people gave tom & zendaya but unfortunately, miss girl got the opposite. when will they realize that nobody, but his fans, find them cute lmao can they just stop, it’s so embarrassing 😭😭😭"

"He really out here doing this with someone who almost old enough to be his mother, shiiiiiiiit. Sickening. Sick of these 2 for real now, i was fine with the good old blurry back content and whatnot but this? Crossing a line here nobody wanna see that shit and knowing how people feel goooooood damn."

"I aboslutely despise kendall for obvious reason but this one is actually worse than the hendall one bc you couldnt really see as much as now dis gos tang."

"She’s also wearing the cross necklace again. I feel like if that was so meaningful to her she wouldn’t risk loosing it in the ocean 🙄"

"guys have eyes on tmz. I Do not have tw now. they were so aggressive towards them"

"I'm sorry for Harry because you lost your damn mind bro"

"Now why the hendall pics are better ?? NO SHADE BUTT"

"I’m genuine confused like do they actually want dwd to flop or what? I just threw up in my mouth I sure as hell ain’t gonna watch their sorry ass movie. Is it supposed to flop? I’m so confused!"

"The match was not interesting enough so they cooked up something different especially since people were pointing out how they staged the PDA. And the page 6 article is out already!!!"

"Who the fuck thought this was a good idea"

"Is it just me or does harry's face looks really blank for someone out on a Romantic date with his alleged girlfriend.?"

"if thats it, harry hasn’t no game🤣🤣🤣🤣"

"so this is why the tabloids weren’t talking about the match pics! they didn’t have any value on their own. now with the yacht pics? my oh my they’re gonna get the clicks of their lives. her team was prob like “wait a sec we got something for y’all”"

"If they were models hired to act like a couple they wouldn't get the job......"

"Not them starring right at the camera in some of them help make it less obvious will you"

"HENDALL🤣🤣🤣is that uuuu"

"Harry’s ass crack thought it should make an appearance too."

"What a great day for team PR, happy Monday you guys! Let's pop the champagne 🍾🍾🍾🍾 P. S. They both need acting lessons, tbh"

"It’s quite interesting how everything that’s happened before I’ve seen predicted weeks/and in advance on blogs or fan accounts. Like his life has always been so predictable but damn"

"He was hiding the Nike check. That’s why his swim trucks are rolled up to an absurd degree even for him. He knew he was gonna get photographed."

"What I’m noticing is wether people like them together or not, everyone’s saying they’re aren’t a hot couple…there was more chemistry in the Kendall pics by far"

"i also find it weird that he’s not smiling in any of the pictures and it would be one thing if there were five pics from ten minutes of time but there are like 70 from an obvious extended period of time"

"It's interesting everyone involved is being Team Try Hard. Yet the universe says no. The last set of pics, Tom and Zendaya overshadowed. People even paid more attention to Angelina and the Weekend (even if business possibly). Fast forward to today and all this fakery only for Gwen/Blake to tie the knot. His team needs to get a clue. She needs to go. Harry needs to clean this up fast."

"Ok i looked at one hugging pic and one kidding pic and they could not look more stagged. It looks unatural ,strange and weird from all angles. You can clearly see from their body posture they are posing for a photographer from backgrid."

"Like I said in my ask a couple days ago the day we get kissing pics is the day that I believe this is all a stunt and I was right. They took a page out of hendall 2016 and it’s looks so forced and awkward. Hendall did it better cause at prater they had chemistry. They must be scared this movie is going to tank because they are pushing this way too hard"

"Real, PR, or whatever relationship it is, they’re fucking boring. You are on a yacht in Italy, can’t you have a little bit of fun? I can’t believe how boring they are, I just can’t. Even if it is just PR, can’t you make a fucking dumb joke so you can laugh or something? Do they have anything in common like to talk about or discuss or make fun of? I’d literally killed myself if I looked like that in a relationship. They are not communicating in any photos we’ve got. They are just walking, or sitting. Even when they hold hands or kiss or hug, they never communicate."

"okay but did ya’ll see the pic of her diving in?? i can’t stop laughing 😭😭😭😭"

"they look horrifically awkward i cannot believe what harry is doing"

"“HEY PAPS COME GET A PIC OF US KISSING TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP MORE BELIEVABLE!!!!!”"

"his ass is hanging out and her bra is almost off what in the hell"

"Hqs on a yacht like that? Mhmhmhm hmmmmm / I bloody well hope that’s not the extend of their acting. That’s dire! 🤦‍♀️"

"this is literally the most predictable “couple” to exist. first, people talked about them showing up the game, and they did. second, people were just talking about kissing pics... AND THEY JUST CAME OUT LMAOOOOOO"

"annnnnnnnnnnnnd there it is. YOU KNOW THEY KNEW THERE WAS A CAMERA."

"ok but where’s the pda or did that get made up? cause these have to be the most awkward pics i’ve ever seen which makes me feel better 😂 also i can feel the meme’s coming with the one of her diving off the boat"

"I call it how I see it they are both assholes and full of shit. Like do your fake kiss somewhere else I do not want to see it!"

"Can they at least act like they’re having a good time?"

"hahahaha I can't stop laughing with that photo of O it's literally her knowing she's being photographed and diving into a professional swimmer style😭"

"the pics are so organic that Olivia is looking straight at the pap before kissing Harry."

"he looked a lot happier with kendall in their yacht pics compared to today’s. i know that was PR too, but he was very smiley and seemed talkative. with this girl it’s like the complete opposite lmao."

#this is also good visual proof for how many people are on team PR lol

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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So this is definitely one of my least favorite things to do, because there’s so many people on here that need help, but if anyone has a couple bucks or a five they can spare, that would be an enormous help to me today.

For those that know my situation, as far as I know, everything is still on track for me to have the lets-pull-all-twenty-eight - of-your-remaining-teeth-at-once-it’ll-be-fun! surgery on Tuesday. I’m reeeeally looking forward to it, and also the Month of Living Without Any Teeth At All while I heal and they figure out the fittings and everything for my bionic teeth or whatever. Everything about it sounds swell. Can’t wait, it’ll be great.

SO. The plan is for me to take the bus out to the desert on Monday afternoon, reenact some of the best scenes from Saw on Tuesday morning while under hopefully heavy sedation, with fingers and toes crossed that these doctors actually listen to me for once about my ridiculous metabolism making most anesthetics wear off super fast. Because. Ugh. Doctors literally never believe me about that which has led to some pretty not cool experiences in the past, but none of those experiences have been yanking out every one of my teeth by the root all in one go, soooooooo, if ever there was a time for them to think maybe I actually know what I’m talking about and make adjustments for that, I’m pretty sure I want this to be that time.

Thanks to my keen intuition, I have predicted that this whole process is something I probably want to be deeply unconscious for, and during, and tbh, maybe a week or so after that too. But like, I’ll mostly settle for just not waking up when they’re only actually on tooth eight, you know?

If I seem like I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous, its probably cuz I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous. I’m so not kidding about unpleasant experiences with anesthetics in the past, so while this wasn’t actually my reason for making this post, while I’m thinking about it, if anyone wants to also maybe shoot a quick prayer-tweet over to whomever you might personally @ with that kind of thing, I would be super grateful for anything of that nature, like something along the lines of “Dear Merciful Higher Power/Universe/etc, if there’s any way you could see to it that Kalen spends most of Tuesday knocked the fuck out, that would be awesome, thanks!”

Its just, I’m kinda over being in excruciating pain all day every day, like, I gave it a shot, just don’t think its for me, I’m afraid I just don’t have what it takes to be a hardcore raging masochist or whatever, so I’m just really not looking to set any new personal pain records next week if at all possible.

ANYWAY, requests for spamming higher powers on my behalf aside, the other reason for this post is I only have $3 in my bank account and an appointment this afternoon whose co-pay is going to be $50. But I can NOT miss this appointment, its super critical. See, so, the other thing is, my jaw has decided its reached the point where it just doesn’t want to close at all anymore, so I’ve gone from only eating once a day to only eating no times a day, and since I’ve already lost an absurd amount of weight and muscle mass over the last two years because of all this shit, they’ve put me on a regimen of regular IV intakes or whatever that’s called, just to like....get the nutrients I need into me somehow, y’know?

And especially with the surgery coming up on Tuesday, and my immune system all shot to hell and my various other Vitally Important By-Products of Eating Food levels are low enough to have my doctor using mostly just four letter words when reviewing my latest labs, they’re literally trying to pump me full of as much of the various Nutrients And Other Stuff IVs as they safely can between now and then. And as much as I’ve been pretty much going 24/7 trying to stay afloat with all of this, I just...did NOT budget for needing to be hooked up to an IV every other day because my fucking jaw picked now to level up on being an asshole and like, physically will not cooperate with my attempts to survive on cheap $5 a day meals.

So instead this week its been $50 co-pays every other day, because apparently when your body for whatever reason literally can’t take in the cheap 7-11 snacks and Happy Meals you usually live off of because That’s How Being Poor Works, it makes total sense that the one and only alternative for keeping your body fueled is to go to this little clinic place that hooks you up like you’re at a gas station, except you’re some kinda pretentious European model that won’t accept any less than the top dollar diesel, because I guess even Bags of Nutrient Water gotta somehow manage to be name brand shit, because yay capitalism. Everything about it is just so efficient and logical and works so well, especially if you’re part of the 99%.

Anyway I’m TRULY sorry I’m all over the place with this, I haven’t taken my ADHD meds because swallowing is the Devil’s Work right now, and also I haven’t had my daily Bag of Nutrient Water yet so my brain is like no I will not be cooperating. To sum up, once I get to next week I’m all set, everything’s in place for the surgery, insurance, I have a place to recuperate, I even already have my bus ticket for Monday purchased, my specific monetary issue right now is I am literally down to my last $3, I am currently physically unable to chew my way through a full meal, so I’m literally just paying co-pays of $50 every other day to spend 45 minutes sitting in a chair while my body sucks life-sustaining nutrient water through a needle.

That might actually be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said or heard said and yet its factually 100% true. Our world is so fucking bonkers, jfc.

Literally ANY help getting me to today’s appointment, would be amazing, and then I have one scheduled for Monday morning before I leave, if I can find a way to make that too. And tbh I don’t actually know if one is even an option for tomorrow yet because the clinic I’ve been going to so far isn’t open tomorrow and I’ve yet to hear back if my doctor found somewhere else to send me that I can actually get to. So who the fuck even knows.

So yeah, sorry for making you ping-pong your way through that mess, this is my brain on Empty, like I said, I haven’t had my Bag of Water yet today. But any help is appreciated, whether reblogs, donations or good-thought-tweets for me on Tuesday. I’m a big fan of any of the above. Even $2 or $5 gets me closer to what I need, and if you can’t spare anything or have already sent or are sending what you can spare to another donation post, I totally and completely understand. And again, even just....good thoughts for Tuesday would be awesome, and certainly can’t hurt. I’m not like, worried about the surgery or whatever, its pretty simple, its more just....extensive. And my only real hope or want for it is just keeping the Ow factor as limited as it can possibly be. Whether that’s from the doctors coming through with a good strong hit of the goofy juice or some higher power telling all my nerve endings to take a sick day or just sit this one out, I am so open to either or anything in between or even coming out of left field.

And now I’m done. Thank you. You’re all rockstars, or insert your genre of choice. In conclusion, capitalism sucks, eat the rich, and buy a bi a bag of water today please. I’m pretty sure there’s a T-shirt slogan in there somewhere, but fuck if I can pin it down.If anyone else does, hey, go nuts with it. I’m literally a bi guy who needs to buy bags of nutrient water every other day right now. That’s so fucking dumb, someone’s gotta be able to milk some mileage out of it.

My Paypal:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

Or if that link doesn’t work, try this one instead:

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme2/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

My Ko-fi page: https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

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sarah-blue-eyes · 4 years

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2020 In Review

Hoo boy, here we go.

[Ok just before I begin. I had this queued to post in the first month of January but it doesn’t seem like that ever happened haha. Better late than never I suppose!]

So I am a nostalgic bitch, and since 2011, have loved to make memory boxes for each year, where I put trinkets and memories into a shoebox. This year I have continued that tradition, but I have also kept track of my happy memories throughout 2020 in my planner. This was done with the intention for me to upload a year-in-review sort of thing in hopes that maybe like, 3 people max on this god-forsaken site will read it. This sort of reminiscence was inspired by my friend @a-lbeit, who has done these for a few years now and me, as a slut for nostalgia, was encouraged to do the same back in January (I think? What even is my memory at this point?)

2020, as it has been for many, was a very shit year, and I am no different. I would safely say that this year has undeniably been the worst I have lived through. But I am here. I am present. And I have made it through some of the darkest times to face 2021 with a new sense of hopefulness. Keeping track of my happier memories has been something that has truly got me through this clusterfuck of a year, so I am glad that I can finally go through them all again and share them with you.

Read it, or don’t, I don’t give a shit what you do with your time, but if you do, I hope that you aren’t bored to tears. And I hope to keep myself accountable to continue to do this for years to come.

Buckle up, grab a hot drink and a snack and get comfy, because this is a JOURNEY.

January:

· Kicked the new year off with hosting a 1920’s themed party with some of my closest friends at my family home at the beach. Had fun with drunk SingStar, playing What Do You Meme, creating a playlist with everyone’s top 3 songs of the decade (it was a bangin’ playlist I must say), and just overall drinking too much and having a riotous time

· I remember going to the beach New Year’s Day (as is tradition in Australia) and playing ultimate frisbee in the shallows and completing a crossword puzzle on the sand (I am a 75-year-old woman, it is just a fact of life)

· I also had my friend Kirsten from South Australia stay with me for the New Year’s period and it was lovely to have a guest over! I haven’t spoken to her much this year, she sort of fell off the face of the planet, but I hope she is doing ok.

· Went town to Torquay (a beach town in Victoria) for the 6th time for Beach Mission, which is essentially a holiday program for kids in preschool-year 9 where we run activities for them. It’s a Christian-based program but the aim isn’t to convert the kids or anything like that, it’s more to show God’s love to them through our actions and how we as Christians live our lives. It’s also a convenient way for parents to dish their kids off for a few hours too haha. This was my final year of being a part of this program, and I am so pleased to have made so many memories and (hopefully) impacted many children’s lives during my time there

· I remember going on a late-night beach walk with my boyfriend Josh, talking about what the year had in store for us. We were just sitting on the beach, as you do, and I saw a shooting star. I can’t remember what I wished for (if anything) but in that moment, life was a dream.

· The week after beach mission I started at my new internship! It was for a place called KidsCo, who run school holiday programs at workplaces, so parents don’t need to take time off work to look after them. I helped with client relations and a lot of behind-the scenes stuff. I really loved it there

· On the very first day of my internship I remember there was torrential rain, and the train home was delayed by like, an hour or so lol

· One of the best parts about interning at KidsCo was that they were the official child-minding service for the Australian Open. I make an effort to go each year, but I was lucky enough to get free ground-entry for me and a guest for the duration of the event. I went quite a few times and got to take my mum and Josh along as well.

· Saw my only concert of the year, The Veronicas, at the Australian Open. When I say the moment the violin riff at the start of Untouched absolutely went the fuck off is an understatement. Grade 5 me would have cried (and 23 year old me did a little bit too tbh.) Yet another of one of my “all-time-favourite-songs” that I’ve had the pleasure of hearing live. (I also went through the year feeling sad that this was the first time in 11 years I hadn’t gone to a concert, but this one certainly fell through the cracks)

· Started planning my trip to the UK to see my twin sister, and best friend, Jess

· Went away to Rye for the Australia Day weekend #changethedate. An excellent time with excellent mates, and went to the beach pretty much every day and got mindlessly sloshed every night

· Listened to the Triple J Hottest 100. I think 4 of my picks made it in, which was pretty good

· Continued my job as the office manager/events coordinator at my church

February:

Basketball started back after the summer break for my two different teams, The Vikings and The Wildcats (honestly such a highlight of this year with how the rest of it ended up going)

As a team-bonding activity at KidsCo we hired a boat for a few hours and I got more drunk that I had been for a while. It was a very fun time jetting down the Yarra, waving drunkedly at the people jogging by

For Valentine’s day Josh and I had an indoor picnic with our favourite food! The weather was shit for Feb, hence the indoor nature of the picnic

Saw Shrek the Musical with two of my closest pals, Bec and Katie (I honestly forgot that this happened in 2020 hahaha) but it was ICONIC

Had a Jackbox night with The Boys

Had my cousin Amy from England over for dinner! I hadn’t seen her in 5 or 6 years, so it was so lovely to connect again like no time had passed at all

Went to Healesville Sanctuary, a lovely conservation park which focuses on preserving and educating its visitors about Australian animals, with Amy

Went to mini-golf for a friend’s birthday on the leap day. He technically celebrated his 6th birthday which was excellent

Saw Cody Ko and Noel Miller live with Bec and Katie

Finished working at the church office to make room for the potential job opportunity at KidsCo

March:

Ahhh March, you shitstorm of a month. This is where everything started going downhill.

The first thing of note that happened this month was me injuring my ankle at basketball, which had me out of action for a few weeks. It was especially bad because I was nearing the end of my internship and was hoping to do my best work so that I would be chosen to stay on as an employee, but had to take a week or so off to rest my ankle. My ankle would continue to be tender and sore for most of the rest of the year

Went away for the Labour Day long weekend with the family

Finished up my internship at KidsCo. Honestly was lead to believe that I would be staying on as an employee and felt sort of betrayed after all the work I did for them, but whatever

Had a party at Bec’s house to listen to Triple J’s Hottest 100 of the Decade. One of my favourite songs was number 1 which was a pleasant surprise

Went down to the holiday house for a few days just to have so me time and sort myself out

Animal Crossing New Horizons came out haha. Honestly was one of the highlights of this year though. I stayed up until midnight so I could download it as soon as it was available because that’s the sort of person I am

Mum’s birthday dinner with Dani, one of my best friends, and her girlfriend Amy

Went for a hike at Sugarloaf Reservoir with Josh and got spooked by a mob of kangaroos

April:

My mental health started really taking a downward spiral this month for multiple reasons which I won’t get into here, but this is more a note to my past self to say that it will all be ok I guess? Idk I just felt like this needed to be here

Did my ankle badly again on Good Friday

Watched the Overwatch League live with my friends and just memed in the livechat lmao

WARNING - this is a bit TMI but I am going to share anyway since it was a big part of this year, and if you are reading this you are either a stranger or a good friend so I really don’t care lmao: This month I also started to get bad pains in my uterus, like, not period pains but deep, stabbing pains. This continued on for the next few weeks without me doing anything about it, except for increasingly getting stressed about it, although I will talk a bit more about this later.

Josh and I celebrated our 6th year together which was ~wholesome~

Called my friend Ashley from the US and just caught up. It was nice to see her face again. She is a good egg. I haven’t talked to her since but I really hope she’s ok.

May:

Watched Star Wars with Josh and his family for “May the 4th”

Started a volunteer job at Kivuli, a non-for-prophet that is based in Kenya, and started helping out with their website and social media stuff

Zoom movie time with my friends, we watched How To Train Your Dragon I think? Athough everyone was talking over the movie so I didn’t really get anything out of it

Played Scattergories (one of my favourite games) with Bec and Jess on zoom and just wrote really stupid and funny answers and I remember this being just what I needed

Went for a long walk with mum and one of her friends and her daughter on a track we don’t usually go on, which was a nice change of scenery

Went down to the holiday house for the first time in forever since restrictions were eased, at least for a little while lol, with the fam

Went to Portsea for a walk along the beach with Bec and her husband Trevor

Did an online trivia night that night with a big bunch of friends

Had a doctor’s appointment to see what was goin’ on down there. Honestly freaked that it could be something REALLY bad. Got booked in to have an ultrasound the next week, so at least I’d be finding out what was wrong soon.

The day after I got my results was the 21st of May, the day my mum and I were meant to be flying out to the UK to see my sister and her boyfriend. It was already hard enough a month or so before when I had to cancel my flight, but this day was so SO difficult. I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard. I am so blessed to have a boyfriend like Josh though. He was by my side the whole day, and held me as I cried. Oh man I am crying as I write this now, it was such a hard time but I know I will see my sister again.

And then the day after THAT whole ordeal was my birthday, which was meant to be spent in London with Jess but it turned out to be the first birthday we’ve had apart. This day was also hard, but made better by being with loved ones and having dinner at my grandma and grandpa’s house. Grandma’s roast potatoes make everything better.

Went to Geelong to see the other side of my family, it was so good to see my nan again. I love her very much.

Went to the Briars with Bec and went on a lovely nature walk and saw a lot of little wallabies and even an emu

Had an ultrasound and my pain turned out to be a 10cm wide cyst!!! So fun!!!!! Thank the heavens it wasn’t a child. I was so relieved. It is still in my body so that’s cute tho.

June:

Applied for a bunch of jobs, and even got a few interviews! Still no job.

The absolute highlight of this month, and maybe even the whole year, was going away to Lake’s Entrance and Yarram with mum, dad and Josh. It was so good to go to the country, I love country towns so much and the wildlife and nature is so beautiful in the eastern part of Victoria. If you ever get the opportunity I recommend going there!

We ate so much nice food and just relaxed. It wasn’t a perfect replacement for not going to Europe, but it was something at least.

Did more work for Kivuli which kept me busy

Went to Bec’s house to bake a cake. She came out to me as bi this day too, and the cake was coloured like the bisexual flag!

Started a short course through the university I went to in Facebook for Business. It was a great way to build up my skills.

Played Animal Crossing with Dani’s little sister, Tami, a very wholesome time

Looked after Josh’s dog Jed while his family went away for the weekend (also went into the start of July) and was honestly the greatest time

July:

Halfway through the year. Thank fuck.

Had another job interview

Went on lots of walks

Was just generally cold

Did a lot of cleaning

Painted the downstairs rooms at church, which took a few days and a lot of back pain, but it’s cool to think that I was able to contribute my energy and time to something while I was not feeling good at all

The restrictions were tightened again, meaning that I couldn’t go further than 5kms away from my house, except to see Josh, so this was a really lonely time for me.

Really got into Masterchef with mum this season. They had all returning contestants from other seasons so that was really fun to watch.

Got and assembled a new couch upstairs that I can say I actually own myself. I absolutely love it.

More walks, despite the cold

This was a very uneventful month, but that’s ok!

August:

Had a call with the hospital I’ll be having my cyst surgery with. It was good to know that things would be started. I had to have a blood test and a second ultrasound then put on the waiting list for surgery. Still no sign on when that will be happening though 6 months later. Just so lucky to live in Australia where all of these appointments are free.

Went for a really nice long walk with Josh. Got shat on by a bird.

Did lots of stuff around the house, just tidying and watering the plants and sorting through my wardrobe to purge all the clothes I grew out of

Had an online Switch games night with some friends which was fun. We played Smash Bros. and Mario Kart and just had a great time!

Ok this sounds super lame but my favourite podcast, The Jenna & Julien Podcast, finished forever which came as a surprise and was just really sad. I really hope it comes back one day.

Did my tax return lmao

Baked rice puff/marshmallow bar things

Made an ASOS order to fill my happiness with material things. Did get some cute clothes and lingerie tho 😉

More games with Bec and Jess, we played Golf With Your Friends this time

Had a cocktail night with Josh, where we just made a bunch of fun cocktails and got drunk. I can’t wait to live with him so we can do this all the time.

Lots of Kivuli work, as we are planning for our 10th anniversary fundraising event

September:

Baked cookies, which was something I did a lot at the start of lockdown but sort of drifted away from. I absolutely love to bake.

Started working for Media-Wize, a small PR company that was started by someone I know at church.

Started playing Among Us at the start of the month

So many Among Us nights omg, just call me queen impostor please

Did my induction for Media-Wize

Got n e r v o u s because I kept getting things wrong in my new job. I always seem to fuck up the good things and opportunities that I get

Did a livestream reading of The Great Gatsby on my friend’s Twitch stream. It was really fun and something I had never done before. I voiced Tom Buchannan, which was interesting but cool to sort of get into the character. I hope to do something like this soon.

I burnt my hair while cooking dinner and had to give myself a haircut lmao. It was the first time since 2018 that I had cut it so it was a long time coming anyway.

So much Media-Wize work. It felt good to finally be getting paid to do a job

Got locked out of my bathroom so I had to climb up the laundry chute to unlock it from the inside, all because a fly outsmarted me (it’s a long story… and honestly best told by speaking it)

October:

Had the Kivuli 10th anniversary livestream. Lots of work went into it and it was so much fun! It’s incredible that a non-for-profit that has benefitted so many children and families is still going strong. Such a blessing to see.

Dad’s birthday, and we had a picnic with grandma and grandpa and saw them for the first time since lockdown was somewhat lifted

Walked to Beasley’s nursery with Josh and got a coffee. This was the first proper, not McCafe coffee I had had in months and it was SO good

Played Animal Crossing with Dani

More Among Us, a theme for the last few months of 2020

Watched the AFL Grand Final. Wasn’t super exciting this year tbh, especially since we couldn’t have a BBQ or party or anything, but hopefully next year will be different

Nearly moved out of home with a friend of a friend, but since I didn’t have a job, didn’t think it would be a wise decision. Would’ve been nice though

Did some more Media-Wize work. I haven’t been given anything to do since this time though, so I don’t know what’s going on with that? They really be ghosting me tho.

Applied for JobSeeker so I would at least be getting a little income

New Jackbox came out, and had a games night with The Boys playing all the new games

Voted in the local election

Went to Westerfold’s Park with Josh for a lovely long walk

Played lots of The Sims 4 (but tbh I have been doing this all year)

November:

This month things sort of started to turn around, as Covid wasn’t hitting my state hardly at all, so I was actually able to see family and friends again!

Went to my old primary school with Dani and played basketball and just shot around and talked. She also came over for dinner. It was so nice, and she is a true friend.

Had a picnic at the park at the top of the street with my dad’s side of the family, all together at last

Melbourne Cup Day, not that I really care but it’s nice to get a day off. Went on a day trip to the Dandenong mountain range. It was so, so nice and bought some lovely little things from local shops, went for a bushwalk and had a bakery lunch

Went to the park to throw the frisbee and kick the footy around with Josh and his friends, although they are my friends too tbh

Had a picnic with a group of friends that I hadn’t seen since January, so it was so, so good to catch up with them and have a delicious BBQ dinner

My favourite online comedy group, Aunty Donna’s Netflix series came out! Had a virtual watch party with a few friends and binge watched it all in one go

Had lunch with grandma. This used to be a weekly occurrence but for obvious reasons was put off for this year. I absolutely adore her and every lunch we spend together is so precious to me

Went to Kyneton with some of the family as another day trip

Christmas shopping time again. So weird to be at the shops and feel sort of normal? I went 4 different times in the span of a week and a half haha

Josh’s birthday! We went to this maze place with has a bunch of big mazes and other fun activities. It was such a perfect day. Then we had dinner with his family.

Got a letter from the IRS saying that I needed to provide them with proof of identity, so that was fun trying to sort that out. We love the outdated US tax system <3

Went to a bridal shower for my friend Katie

Went for another hike with Josh to the mountains

Drove down to Geelong for a friend’s wedding and stayed at my nan’s house

Had a pub dinner and Jackbox night while down in Geelong with The Boys

A good friend of mine was leaving to live in Japan for two years, so I went to her house one last time to say goodbye and chill in her pool and just hang out

God why is it so hard to get a job?

December:

Omg we have made it to December. It truly is a miracle with how this year went tbh. And if you have read this far, thank you but also, how little of a life do you have?

Went to my friend Katie’s wedding. Sort of surreal to go to a wedding during a pandemic but it was fun and I got to see a lot of friends I hadn’t seen in a while

Enjoyed the hot weather and went to the beach a number of times with a variety of friends

Went Christmas shopping, and just shopping in general since it was safe to and shops had finally opened again

Got a job at a talent agency where you get gigs as a paid extra in TV shows and movies, which was pretty cool! I even had a professional photoshoot to get headshots done, something that I had never done before. Glad that I could get some pictures to use on LinkedIn though haha. Still haven’t been cast in anything but here’s hoping.

Had dinner and drinks with Josh, Bec and Trev in the city for the first time since it reopened. God I love Melbourne so much. It is just so magical on balmy summer nights. This was such a special evening, and was so good just to be in the city again

Had a lovely day with Dani, starting with breakfast and then going on a hike before the weather got too hot. We went to Sherbrooke Forest, a place I hadn’t been before, and it was incredibly beautiful

Had a number of job interviews this month too, none of which got back to me which was annoying :/

Now it was heading into the time where every weekend is packed with Christmas do’s so I’ll just collate them in this point. Lots of drinks were consumed and many delicious roast dinners

Had our annual Christmas Carol’s service at church. It was a blessing to be back in the building for the first time since March, and to be able to do something I love (singing) with some of my best friends was the best

Christmas eve I went to my grandma and grandpa’s house (on dad’s side) to help them set up for Christmas lunch. Spending time together just the three of us is so special, and I am so glad I was able to come over and just chat and be in their loving presence. Then that night I went to our 11pm church service to bring in Christmas day. It was a great service and was great to see our kick-ass minister give a sermon face-to-face.

Ok here we go, Christmas was a doozy, let’s go. So Christmas lunch was, as I said, with my dad’s side of the family, which is always a great time. Cracking open crackers and fighting over who’ll get the bottle opener or nail clippers is always a highlight haha. But we had the fucking best roast potatoes I swear. I need to know what my grandma puts into them because I could genuinely eat 20 of them and still have space. Then the rest of the afternoon was spent in a food coma until I went to Josh’s house to spend dinner with his family. Another delicious meal and great banter was what I needed, although I can safely say that I put on at least 5 additional kilos after that day.

The next day the fam and I headed to Geelong to see my mum’s side of the family. Was a great drive down and I listened to all of The Avalanches new album which had just released. Easily the greatest album of the yeah hands-down. So we spent lunch there and absolutely stuffed ourselves with more food. Three Christmas meals really took a toll on me, but I am just blessed as it is to have a loving family and food on the table.

The next day dad, Josh and I headed to the beach to spend that weird time between Christmas and New Year’s. To get there we took the ferry that goes from Queenscliff to Portsea, which is always a fun time, since we don’t often go from one side of the bay to the other (if you don’t know the geography of Victoria I apologise lmao). Mum didn’t come with us as she had some symptoms of Covid, so went home to isolate and get tested. Thankfully she tested negative and she joined us the next day.

Once I got back home I had to prepare the house for my friend Jono who was visiting for new years from SA. Many last-minute chores and cleaning was done haha.

New Years Eve! Went to pick up Jono and my other friend Sarah from the airport and dropped Sarah off at her accommodation and ended up staying there with Jono for a while as this was where the New Year’s party was going to be. Although, in true Victorian fashion, our premier announced that there was going to be a limit of 15 visitors at any house from 5pm that night. Excellent. We love a last-minute change of plans. So we had lunch and spent the afternoon at my friend’s house before heading to a local park to chuck the frisbee and kick the footy around. We also had our second annual NYE trivia competition, which my team lost by 1 point!! Dang I get so competitive, but we will win next year, I can feel it. The new year came through uneventfully, we were in the middle of a game of Scattergories or something like that when someone changed the channel on the TV to see the Sydney fireworks across the screen and like, 4 second left of the countdown. I gave Josh a bog ol’ smooch and gave my friends a big hug. We had done it. 2020 was defeated.

Conclusion (damn this really be an essay tho)

This year was undeniably the hardest year I had ever been through. Going through unemployment for the majority of the year and having no sense of purpose hit me hard but I am entering 2021 with the hope and willingness to get on track with my career. And I think I will be successful. A lot of truly awful things happened around the world this year as well, with the devastating bushfires at the start of the year, the powerful BLM protests, Coronavirus absolutely destroying lives and many, many other global events but through it all, here we are. I hope you all keep well this year and that your 2021 is infinitely better than your 2020.

Song of the Year: Tangerine – Glass Animals

Album of the Year: We Will Always Love You – The Avalanches (I CANNOT stress this enough, but you absolutely must listen to this album!)

TV Show of the Year: The Mandalorian - Season 2

Movie of the Year: Bombshell (the only movie I saw at the cinemas so didn’t have much to go with)

Memory of the Year: Going away with my family and just enjoying time away with each other

Thank you for reading this, if you’ve made it this far, you’re a real one <3

#me #2020 #2020inreview #nostalgia #anactualnovel #iapologise

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screechthemighty · 4 years

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FR Octane is 100% one of those characters where I can see all the building blocks of WHY he behaves the way he does, but also acknowledge that his behavior is...Bad, it’s not great. And guess what, I accidentally wrote an essay about it if anyone cares! (Listen, I paid a lot of money for an arts degree, if I can’t over-analyze everything then that money was wasted, humor me) ETA: also if you’re thinking of dragging me for this post, please read this first and consider not doing that.

We’re going to be looking at two big aspects of his character for this analysis. One is more subtext than actual text, but since all the evidence is there (and, if how they handled Wattson’s autism is any indication, will likely never be canon regardless of all the evidence) we’re just going to treat it as canon for the sake of argument. The other one is paracanon which, to be fair, isn’t as canon as “evidence actually in the text”, but again, for the sake of argument, we’ll treat it as such.

Fact the first: Octane, most likely, has ADHD. From the way he behaves, I’m assuming it is either undiagnosed OR he was never adequately taught how to manage his symptoms. The most relevant symptoms to this discussion are his seeming overreaction to Lifeline teasing him (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria being a common ADHD symptom), his persistent and VERY canon inability to handle boredom, and his equally persistent and canon poor impulse control (especially related to the boredom but in this case it also goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned RSD).

Fact the second: He grew up in an emotionally neglectful and dysfunctional home--his dad had multiple re-marriages (and lbr, probably was cheating on his current wife with the next wife every single time), he was raised more by an assistant who didn’t care to learn his wants and needs, so on, so forth. IMHO, this fact does explain both his larger than life personality AND manipulative behavior. If he stands out and acts out, he gets the attention he craves. If he’s manipulative, he can actually get what he wants/needs from the uncaring adults in his life. He behaves badly because of childhood trauma.

So, with all of these facts in mind, here’s the sequence of events:

Octane is relegated to a task he considers painfully boring (keeping in mind that boredom is one of the worst sensations for the ADHD brain). He is forced to stay in said task by an authority figure who doesn’t listen to his input about what he’d rather be doing or what tasks he might be better suited for.

On top of that, he is teased by someone he considers a close friend (practically family by his own admission) in a way that a) makes light of the situation he finds uncomfortable and b) compares him to an “accountant”, something that is anathema to what he wants to be. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria kicks in; the comment becomes genuinely hurtful and not just slightly unfunny but well-meaning ribbing.

His intolerance for boredom says “no, we’re not doing that task anymore, let’s go do the fun thing.” Poor impulse control and no buffer to mitigate the effects of poor impulse control say, “the first thought to pop into my head is right, let’s get that dopamine!”

His manipulative tendencies say, “If I make a big fuss, do something stupid, and let Ajay know it’s partially because she was mean to me, then she’ll understand that she hurt me and feel bad about it.” Unresolved trauma means that he doesn’t even THINK to communicate that to her, which would be the HEALTHY thing to do but likely not a method that has ever worked for him in childhood. Instead, he leaves an emotionally manipulative letter and peaces out.

As of right now, we don’t know what the ULTIMATE outcome is (my money is on him getting his ass kicked TBH). But the IMMEDIATE outcome is that Lifeline feels responsible for something that isn’t her fault and now she and Gibraltar are both going to be put at risk of getting hurt. Octane has also put himself in a position where he’ll probably be hurt. This isn’t going to end well, is what I’m getting at.

NOW. Here’s the thing. The two facts I listed up above are not his fault. Him having ADHD? Not his fault. Him not getting the right help he needed as a child? Not his fault. Him growing up in a dysfunctional environment that had a negative impact on his emotional and interpersonal development? DEFINITELY not his fault. Everything about his behavior based on those two facts makes sense, and I’m not gonna sit here and act like he’s a bad person for being a neurodivergent abuse victim.

But, to paraphrase the very smart Jessica “How to ADHD” McCabe, it may not be his fault, but it is his responsibility--in this case “it” being how he treats other people, which is very much within his control. I get WHY he did it, but he IS being an absolute ass to Lifeline for the second time (that we know of), and that IS wrong. He HAS to learn at some point to not be like this. It’s already temporarily lost him a friendship, and it COULD get him or someone else killed this time around. He’s a grown adult, and despite my/the fandom’s jokes, he does have all his brain cells. At some point he’ll have to realize he can’t treat people like this and adjust his behavior.

To be fair to Octane, I completely understand and acknowledge that getting help and admitting to the things clogging up your brainspace is incredibly hard. Trust me, I have firsthand experience with this one, and my problems are small potatoes in comparison to what’s going on with him. So he’s not necessarily a bad person for not having taken those steps, especially because I’m still not sure he REALIZES he has a problem. Now, if he knew that he was hurting people and continued doing so because “that’s just who I am, they’re the ones who are wrong, actually” against all evidence, then that IS him shirking his responsibilities to other people and himself and I could criticize him for that. But I don’t think he’s at that point yet. Right now he just seems oblivious, which, yeah, we’ve all been in that position where you’re oblivious to your problems even as they’re slowly burning your house down (I cringe looking back on childhood me exhibiting early anxiety symptoms that went unchecked until now, when I’m well past college age).

I also think it would be helpful if someone told him in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner that his behavior is worrying and was able to help him get to that place where he can realize that himself and get help (not saying they should bear the majority of the emotional weight, AM saying that he seems like he needs the extra help and that’s valid, all things considered). Unfortunately...pretty much everyone in Apex Legends is their own flavor of messed up and they ARE in the middle of a crisis, so they’re likely either unable to see it or unable to help because y’know, lot going on.

In conclusion: I say none of this to demonize Octane? I say it because a) I think his character is really neat, flaws and all, hence me referring to him as a “problematic icon”, and b) because I think it does a disservice to his character to ignore his flaws. I don’t want him to be turned from a complex character with a lot of neat stuff going on to an uwu tortured sad boy who’s never at fault. I haven’t seen anyone do that YET (everyone seems to love him for being a trash baby and that’s valid), but, y’know, doesn’t hurt to start the conversation preemptively.

(QUICK sidebar that I didn’t think of until I was tagging his: his privilege as a rich child from a rich family definitely is a contributing factor to his behavior and another stumbling block to him getting help for a lot of reasons? I won’t go into all my thoughts on this because that could be its own essay but tl;dr Rich People often don’t believe in consequences as it is and don’t like to admit to being wrong, and some of this definitely wore off on Octane and is exacerbating the rest of it.)

#apex legends #apex legends spoilers #apex spoilers #spoilers #man I have GOT to write more fic with Octane he's such a neat little bastard

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verecunda · 4 years

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Books: March 2020

Realised I haven’t logged my books for March yet (I knew I’d only last a couple of months rip). tbh I only managed two books and a very short reread, but I figure they might be of interest to some people here:

Outcast - Rosemary Sutcliff

The Legions of the Mist - Amanda Cockerell (aka Damion Hunter)

Asterix in Switzerland - Goscinny & Uderzo (reread)

Outcast - Rosemary Sutcliff

Well, it’s Sutcliff, so what can I say beyond asddfghjklsa SO GOOD. Engrossing, atmospheric, emotional. It doesn’t feel quite as rich as the dolphin ring books, but it’s still a wonderful read, and most of Sutcliff’s usual themes of identity, of cultures mingling, of being on the outside, and of finding belonging and home, are very much there. I also think I can see her working towards things she would go into more deeply in other books. For instance, in the way that Beric decides during his slavery to focus on negative emotions like hate, because it hurts less than thinking of people he’s loved and lost, he feels almost like a prototype of Aquila from The Lantern Bearers.

There’s less in the way of a central friendship, but that’s sort of the nature of the beast, since as a slave and a runaway, most of Beric’s relationships with other people are brief and transient. But Sutcliff more than makes up for that by providing plenty of vivid character sketches of the people who do pass in and out of his life. I was very fond of the young Lady Lucilla, in particular, and I rather fell in love with Justinius. He’s exactly the sort of quietly sad, thoroughly competent character I can never resist!

The book is full of excellent set-pieces - the section aboard the galley especially was gruelling, and I loved the overgrown, half-forgotten garden of the temple of Pan Sylvanus in Rome. The Italian setting is quite a departure for Sutcliff, and I had the feeling even she was quite relieved when the story shifted back to Britain, and we were back to the familiarity of changeful skies, skeins of wild geese, and the green plover calling! The final section during the storm was spectacular, and I absolutely had to hold in tears towards the end, as Beric lets his old life go and looks towards the new. (It was the dogs that did it!)

The Legions of the Mist - Amanda Cockerell (aka Damion Hunter)

I’ve been wanting to read this one for years, but couldn’t get hold of a copy till it was recently released on Kindle. Happily, it was worth the wait! A lively, absorbing adventure peopled with well-drawn and (mostly) endearing characters. The main squad in particular were all highly likeable, as were many of the secondary characters. I particularly liked the new legate and his daughter, and thought it a shame that they weren’t in it for longer. (Though the fact that she was called Lady Felicia just made me want to watch Father Brown again. XD) Without going into details, though, the fact that the novel is about the death of the Ninth Legion means that getting attached to so many of the characters was… unfortunate. >.>

The story is told from both the Roman and the British points of view, allowing for a balanced take on the history of Roman Britain, and the way cultures clashed or intermingled. I was actually less interested in the Celtic side of the story; apart from Vortrix, most of the British characters seemed to be fairly stock types, and the various tribal politics and interpersonal relationships never felt quite as well-developed as those on the Roman side.

Naturally, the book treads very similar ground to Eagle of the Ninth, and even apart from that, it’s clear that Cockerell owes quite a substantial debt to Sutcliff - so much so, in fact, that longtime Sutcliff fans could probably get a decent drinking game out of it (take one drink for for every Hilarion, Cordaella, or Justin you encounter; chug every time the Hispana’s Eagle gets a mention; drain your whole damn bottle when the little dark people (uncapitalised) appear!).

There’s also a lot of stuff about the Picts worshipping a Mother Goddess and honouring a sacrificial seven-year king, motifs which also feature heavily in Sutcliff’s work. I’m not sure how widely accepted they were as genuine archaeological theories at the times these books were written. In any case, it seems quite dated here in a way it doesn’t quite with Sutcliff (possibly because the power of Sutcliff’s work is such that it’s almost like a mythic vision of ancient Britain? I don’t know, it is a mystery).

For all the evident homages, however, this book has its own voice and is very much its own thing. It’s a most enjoyable read, and I ended up tearing through the last quarter or so in one sitting. From the moment the Ninth marches out on its final doomed expedition into the mists, Cockerell builds the tension brilliantly, to a genuinely tense and nailbiting finale - and an emotional aftermath.

Good news: it looks like there’s a sequel due to be released (reissued?) next month, so I’ll definitely be reading that. :)

Asterix in Switzerland - Goscinny & Uderzo (reread)

I was already thinking about going back through some of my Asterix books, even before I heard that Albert Uderzo had passed away. After that, I figured there couldn’t be a better reason.

This is one of the ones I read most often when I was a kid. Not sure why, since most of the jokes about Swiss bank accounts, etc., sailed right over my head. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that in this one, unusually, Asterix and Obelix are on a mission to save the life of a Roman quaestor. Apparently I’ve just always had a thing about Romans and Celts helping each other out, despite everything! I don’t know. But it’s always been one of my favourites, and it was great fun to read it again.

#books what I'm reading #books 2020

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not-poignant · 5 years

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This is sortve a personal question so no pressure if you don't have the spoons or aren't comfortable answering! I was just wondering, early into posting your fanfic and original fic, how did you deal with seeing views rise but not getting comments or kudos to use as feedback? If you experienced that? I recently started an original fic on A03 and I'm struggling a little with the anxiety of not knowing if anyone is enjoying it, even though I know I'm supposed to write for me. Love your work ❤️

Hi anon,

Okay so, I think there’s two things going on here. Firstly, original fics on AO3 do terribly unless you already have a decent fandom or following (and not just on AO3, but off it, on Twitter or Tumblr or wherever people can follow you - so you can drum up interest or gauge how interested people are in your original writing). That’s just the way that is.

Let’s be clear, I never wanted to write original fiction on AO3, I didn’t make an AO3 account to do that, I just sort of ended up doing it, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone writing original fiction who wants that fiction to be discovered. Idk how I ended up here, but I’d be the first to say it’s not the smartest way to promote original fiction. (I have to say that, to beat all my author friends from telling me how much of an idiot I am for doing it this way, lmao, my only response is I love fandom and it’s fun).

The vast majority of readers on AO3 not only aren’t interested in reading original fiction on AO3, they actively go out of their way to avoid it.

There’s also things that a lot of fanfiction readers don’t like taking risks on: reading a story that’s only OCs (especially in the context of roleplay OCs, because authors don’t always work hard enough to make characters like this accessible to strangers, so what is fun between two people or a group of people, doesn’t read well to outsiders), reading stories that have too much exposition (not many people read fic for reams of exposition, though there are exceptions - but obvs this is what published fiction does that fanfic can generally skip), original short fics and drabbles (especially ones that aren’t explicit), etc.

When I first started posting Game Theory, less than 10% of of Shadows and Light active readers (i.e. people who comment and leave asks etc.) came over to try it. Tbh I think, initially, it may have even been like less than 5%. Eventually Game Theory came to stand on its own, but I had to work at that, over a long period of time (and I was frankly blessed with some truly amazing individuals who worked hard re: word of mouth, without my knowledge), and to this day my original fiction on AO3 still performs terribly compared to my fanfiction - I’m lucky it performs well overall, but if you compare kudos on say, The Golden Age that Never Was to like...The Ice Plague #2 or even Eversion, it’s pretty damning.

The upshot of all of that is...AO3 is already working against you when it comes to original fiction. It’s amazing that AO3 allows original fiction, and some people still think it shouldn’t.

Okay! Now to the actual second part, which is how to cope with just not getting any feedback at all. This is more complicated. Honestly, a huge chunk of what might be happening may all be down to how many readers respond to original fiction in general. Overall, multi-chaptered fics do better than oneshots, unless the oneshots are explicit PWP, for example. There are some exceptions, but you can bet that those exceptions are ‘author who is traditionally published put some side work on AO3 and already have a huge-ass fucking following.’ There are I think well over 17,600 original fics on AO3 that have zero kudos. That’s nearly 1/3 of all of them. You are not alone.

The second part is down to you. And this stuff I can’t answer, because this is more complicated. Some of it is going to be you sitting down and looking at the quality of the fic, or how much hard work you’ve done to promote it (i.e. are ppl on your social media interested, for example?), and how much work you’ve done to introduce strangers to your characters (remember, they don’t have the benefit of a TV show/movie/fandom to introduce the characters for you anymore), because just putting a fic in the world is not enough if you don’t have a fandom to attach it to, unless you’re somewhere like Wattpad (and even then, I daresay the number of fics that have no comments/faves is HUGE). There’s a reason publishers make the commissions they do, and it’s partly because they have access to readerbases who will take risks on what they’re publishing. AO3 doesn’t really have the same base for original fiction, it doesn’t even want to.

Some of it will be down to how much you’re enjoying writing the fic (if it’s meant to be ongoing). Could you keep putting chapters up with no feedback? I’ve done it before (back on LJ, when no one gave a shit about my writing lmao and in the earliest days when I didn’t promote it through any communities), but I’ve also pulled and stopped fics that didn’t do well enough, because I needed that sense of fandom collaboration to keep going. This is deeply personal. Sometimes the story alone is enough to keep you going. But creators do enjoy feedback, so sometimes it’s not, and that’s okay too. It makes it more painful in the moment, but it may make you more likely to grow in the direction of attracting more readers in the future, and growth is good.

Some of it will be time. How long has the fic been up for? A day? A week? A year? Almost half of the entire kudos on the Shadows and Light stories came once the story was finished. I’m not saying wait a year, obviously, I don’t know anyone that patient, I’m just saying...it takes time for people to discover things. It takes even more time if people have no signposts to follow, and since people use fandoms as signposts to find things on AO3 (when they’re not using highly individual kinks anyway), you can see how being in origfic sets you back. You have fewer signposts.

I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard. The metrics support that it’s hard. 17k fics with not a single kudos is no joke. Dealing with it isn’t easy. Generally speaking I get depressed for a good long time, and then I take a step back, remember that in the grand scheme of things this really doesn’t matter very much, make myself some tea and go outside to stare at trees and clouds (I am just Like That (TM)). And then I decide if the story is still worth it, if I need to take some time, or if I need to work on something else.

You go story by story, and you keep working at it, unless you decide you don’t want to anymore, and then you’ll find something else you enjoy just as much. It’s not an easy process, but I don’t think anyone who ended up writing ever ends up with an easy process, alas. I wish you luck out there in the word mines, it can be a hard journey sometimes.

#asks and answers #pia on writing #pia on fanfiction #dodgy advice #like the dodgiest #seriously though a lot of this i'm willing to bet is #'well most of your problem is you published a fic in the original fiction category'#that alone already puts you at the bottom of a very STEEP mountain #fandom is so much easier #and even then #it's not *easy*#very little about this is #Anonymous

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dire-vulture · 5 years

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@goannafr had an idea for a custom progen dragon share, so here is mine!

This is Tarragon!! Picking out his name wasn’t easy, it was hard to think of something that felt fitting. I’m not 100% sure why I chose the name Tarragon tbh, I guess i just liked it. it’s the dragon herb :D

For his colors, I ultimately went with White/Jade because I thought it was a pretty and simple look! White felt fitting for a cold-weather species, and jade green is one of my fave colors. But I spent sooo long deciding colors. Over an hour probably dfadg Some other combos I considered were some sort of Pink/Yellow, and Swamp/Brown. there’s a universe where i started with a swampy boi haha… And Tarragon ended up with an orange tert which was a surprise to me. i didn’t know terts were a thing so i had not accounted for it haha. i think i lucked out though!

I decided on a tundra pretty quickly. After reading about each of the four breeds, I just liked how warm and friendly they seemed! And they’re adorable fluffy!!! And I loved the sitting pose. tbh i somehow completely forgot about choosing gender so he ended up as male by default but that is fine. I did consider fae too but honestly the tundra lore just won me over too much to choose any of the others. I wanted a happy friendly dragon! As a dragon fan I had vague knowledge of FR before joining and once even drew a couple dragons for the friend who’d later got me to join, but I didn’t have anything in mind for my lair before I joined. I was disappointed I only got to choose between the four breeds though since I knew there were many others haha. I mightve ended up picking a Snapper if that was an option. I didn’t know about breed changes haha.

Tarragon still looks mostly the same as when I got him! Sadly I never saved his official art before this year so i can’t compare. i do have that akiri art tho tbh im still kinda bummed they changed the eyecolors since the pre-2018 wind common eyecolor for tundras definitely looked nicer on him but aw well its not much of a difference. I never want to breed change him because he is perfect as a tundra! I gave him IriShim so he could be fancy without looking drastically different hahah…. any gene plan i scried felt Wrong to me. Glimmer gave him some nice orange horns though!! He’d probably still be ungened if it weren’t for a super generous friend c:

I could never even think about exalting him. he is way too important to me haha. my lair would not be my lair without him!

As for role, Tarragon is a leader of my clan! Originally he was the sole leader but I decided it made more sense to share the responsibility with other important early dragons in my lair. However, I still think the starting the clan was his idea and in that way he would be the first official member! He, his wife Moraine, and their friends Zaffre and Tamarind founded the Florabrisa clan together so they could have a peaceful place for Tarragon’s gardens (which also served as Tamarind’s charge), to raise their planned children, and to just in general have an environment dragons could come to without worries of the world or fear of rejection. I don’t necessarily have all the logistics worked out, but Tarragon is pretty charismatic and just exudes good vibes, so he and the others probably were able to work out alliances with nearby clans for protection and trading and stuff to get them on their feet?

Tarragon is very friendly and loves and wants the best for everyone. He really believes in the good in everyone and does his best to maintain harmony for dragons in the clan (even if it has to result in edicts like Do Not Bother Falcata Between the Hours of 3PM and 10 PM) Though he’s pretty easygoing and doesn’t really enforce rules much himself. As long as the community is happy, he is happy c: There probably have been a few cases where a dragon has been deemed too dangerous for the clan and had to be kicked out, and these times distressed Tarragon a ton as he is very forgiving and all too willing to give second chances, but he can understand when something really is best for the clan (and of course the other leaders are not as forgiving as Tarragon, so when it’s 3 against 1 anyway, there’s not much he can do.)

Despite this rather big role, he still would probably describe himself as just a gardener, since flowers are his favorite thing in the world and he spends a lot of his time taking care of his plants and tries to grow plants in as many places as he can. He loves to just exist in nature and tends to meditate by surrounding himself with plant-life.

He’s also very anti-violence and doesn’t like the idea of hurting anything, including bugs, inanimate objects, and especially plants. Do not harm his flowers :C An important rule he set in the lair is Do Not Eat Flowers. But most plant eating dragons in the lair agree that’s a bit excessive so most treat the rule as Do Not Eat Flowers When Tarragon is Nearby. The only punishment for breaking this rule is seeing Tarragon cry, which is definitely punishment enough. There are absolutely secret gatherings for eating flowers under Tarragon’s nose. Tarragon in general tries to see and appreciate the beauty in everything, but he is a bit squeamish and is afraid of spiders which he feels terrible about since spiders are just trying to live their best life too!

If I could remake my custom progen… Actually early on before I learned multi-accounting was against the rules, I considered making a second lair so i could have a Kyurem-colored progen with light eyes haha… I instead decided to just search the AH for one. But let’s see if I did make a new lair with all my current knowledge of the game, I’m not sure that I would end up with Tarragon. While I do still love them, I am a bit tired of my plethora of white primary dragons. Plus this time I would be aware of breed-changing so I’d have that in mind… I’m caught between wanting to go with an icy lair or swampy lair tbh, a swampy bogsneak progen would be fun. I’d probably end up making a swampy progen in an ice lair hahah…it’d be a taiga I suppose? best of both worlds.

that said, I could never change Tarragon. I love him and he’s so important to me aaa. my own child.

#flight rising #dragon share #progen #tarragon #florabrisa #loreabrisa #goannafr #text post #pheel talk #long post

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