#Erin Blair

[forcedfemme-me]

Erin Blair - Erin's LegScene - North Beach Leather - Fall 1993

[randomfoggytiger]

Do you happen to have a fic list of AU stories where Mulder and Scully meet / know each other / are friends as children?

Or ones where adult Mulder or Scully meets their partner or themselves as a child?

Got a few selections for yeh. :DD

Loose chronological order below~

Mulder, Scully, and Childhood AUs

Canon (Loosely)

Shelba's The Man of her Dreams

Time passed; in dreams she ran with him through dark streets, strove for the light when he searched through shadows, flinched as his gun spat fire; shed tears as he was hit with loss after loss.

Melissa dreamt of Mulder for years before he and Scully met.

@cecilysass/cecily_sass/Cecily Sasserbaum’s The Boy on the Beach (1/16) (Ao3)

“At 38, I’ll be married to someone who looks like Raquel Welch and we’ll be very happy and rich and have good-looking and smart kids and live in a nice house in the suburbs, so I don’t think whatever you just said will apply to me,” he said, a note of unease.

Somberly, Scully picked up a piece of seashell sitting on the street. She tried not to think about how similar that boyish daydream was to Mulder’s brain surgery vision of suburban life. How Diana Fowley had an unmistakable 1990s Raquel Welch look. So consistent, she thought. He’s consistent. I’m the inconsistency.

Post Amor Fati Scully is shot back to the groovin' 70s. While Mulder scrambles to locate her, she travels the continent to prevent Samantha's fate, battling feelings of rejection as she prepares to sacrifice her future for his happiness.

AUs

@tofuttim/tofuttiM's The Meeting (Ao3)

“So six months? Do you think it's a boy or a girl?” Teena asked.

“At this point, we already have one of each, of course I want a healthy baby, but I wouldn’t mind another girl.”  Both the women watched Fox close the book and toss it on the floor.

AU-- A pregnant Maggie Scully meets Tena Mulder's precocious little toddler.

@atths--twice/ATTHS_TWICE/Atths2/ATTHS's Building Blocks

Six months ago, Dana thought, touching his face in the picture. And two years since I’ve heard from him. 

But… he still had the ability to make her stomach flip and her heart race. Even more so now as she could recognize the feelings for what they were and what they had always been. 

AU-- Mulder and Scully share a brief childhood of Ding Dongs, Doritos, and treehouse building before his dad transfers bases.

[women-smoking-and-leather]

[ivebeentotheforest]

Longlegs (2024)

[coruscatingdust]

I think about human suffering. I think about all of us, struggling to feel loved and struggling to find love. I think about our insecurities and vices, and the ways our fears manifest themselves in different ways. Some choose to lie and deceive, some choose to judge and condemn, some choose to be apathetic and be indifferent to everything, and at some rare occasional moments of beautiful courage, some choose to love and and understand despite all of these temptations.

I find myself in a wretched state, overwhelmed by my own vices and wickedness, my cowardice, and my insecurities, and how I have dug a hole myself and gave others a shovel afterwards. Or at least think they hold a shovel over me and that I have to grovel or dig myself deeper and stay there.

It's so tempting to think about all the love we think we do not deserve and all the condemnation and curse we receive from people. It's so tempting to believe in a narrative that we are utterly unworthy, alienated, and so condemned to death, whatever that feels like.

It is so difficult to see that life is so much fuller than this and that even the weight and crevices of our brokenness are all but shadows that oscillate.

Our life is still contoured by the light—the light glistening over the shadows, the light that you turn on to read at 3am, the light that you lit to cook up a meal for yourself and your beloved, the light that shines to find you when you're drowning in the night ocean, and there are relentless moments of the light that continue to beautify our life in all of our losses, our ruptures, and our pain.

I see even my wretchedness and the condemnation I receive from people as part of a larger narrative of this relentless life force of light that will continue to weave in and out through all the nooks and crannies of my life.

I find a gentle courage to be tender with all moments of my life, of this world, including even my own wretchedness and other's judgments and betrayals. I desire to cultivate the capacious heart to welcome them all in the narrative journey of a life that is so warm, so full of hues and perceptions, the richness of a colorful palette, so imbued with whispers of love.

All of this, everything I encounter and experience, belongs. And longs. To be part of the metaphysical landscape of Love. And they shall. I genuinely believe that they shall.

[lgbtqreads]

Most Anticipated LGBTQ+ Young Adult Fiction: January-June 2025

Today’s post is sponsored in honor of the upcoming paperback release of Sydney Taylor Honor book Going Bicoastal, coming May 27th from Wednesday Books! *** The Last Bookstore on Earth by Lily Braun-Arnold (January 7th) The world is about to end. Again. Ever since the first Storm wreaked havoc on civilization as we know it, seventeen-year-old Liz Flannery has been holed up in an abandoned…

[erisluna35ocblog]

Being a single mom of three is hard.

Especially when they either don't take their safety seriously enough, believe their powers should make them capable of handling it or worst of all, both.

Context: This is Erin Liung. For those who've read N2CatS, you may have heard of her as Blair's legal guardian/adoptive mother. The guy on the left is her biological son, Vincent. Neither have officially appeared in that fic, just cameo'd in Volpino's illusion flashbacks. Vincent does not get a Miraculous at any point so he's included here.

Edit: for further context on how Vincent counts here despite not having a Miraculous... this guy is crazy enough to run over an akuma to protect his adoptive twins (happened in the episode Ego Split). What a maniac.

[cinemaslife]

#175: Longlegs (2024)

Lee Harker (Maika Monroe) es una agente del FBI con una percepción especial para resolver casos, sobre todo, cuanto más desconcertantes y difíciles son para el resto de sus compañeros. Eso hace que la trasladen a un lugar donde llevan más de 20 años ocurriendo unos crímenes espeluznantes.

Desde hace años en el estado han ocurrido unos crímenes seriales, donde padres de familia matan a su esposa e hijas de maneras crueles y despiadadas y después se suicidan, todo quedaría en eso si no fuera porque en las escenas de los crímenes aparece una nota con un alfabeto sin descifrar y firmadas por Longlegs (Nicolas Cage).

Lo único que los agentes le pueden ofrecer a Harker como pistas es que todas las niñas nacieron el día 14 y que fueron asesinadas junto a sus madres y sus padres se suicidaron 7 días antes de su cumpleaños.

Cuanto más se adentra Harker en el caso, junto a su compañero, el Agente Carter (Blair Underwood) más nota una extraña conexión con el asesino, pero no logra averiguar qué está pasando.

Pese a que la agente es muy reservada, se anima a conocer a la hija de su compañero y así conoce a su esposa y a su hija, que la invita a su cumpleaños que será en unas semanas.

Dentro de sus investigaciones, Harker logra entender el alfabeto usado por el asesino de una manera casi innata, lo que sorprende a todos. A lo largo de estos años, Longlegs no ha fallado nunca, pero ambos agentes encuentran una víctima que sobrevivió, ya que se encontraba en el colegio cuando su padre mató a su madre y a su hermana.

Antes de ir a visitarla, van a su antigua casa, ya que ella ahora está en un psiquiátrico, y encuentran en el sótano una muñeca exactamente igual a ella en la época en la que su padre cometió los crímenes. La llevan a un especialista y allí les indica que la muñeca, que es a tamaño real, está hecha por un profesional y que entre otras cosas posee cabello humano. Deciden abrir la cabeza que posee un cilindro metálico que se abre dejando escapar un gas negro que se desvanece en segundos.

Van a visitar a Carrie Ann (Kiernan Shipka) al psiquiátrico y el médico, que le informa que hace menos de dos días estaba catatónica, como en los últimos 10 años, pero que ahora está normal como antes de los asesinatos.

Carrie Ann le pregunta a los agentes si han encontrado la muñeca y cuando estos asienten ella les confiesa que haría cualquier cosa por el hombre que asesinó a su familia.

Más crímenes suceden mientras Haker se acerca al asesino de manera tan directa que no puede justificar esta unión. La agente a menudo habla con su madre por teléfono y aunque tienen una relación distanciada, parecen unidas, de una manera no cariñosa.

Un día, el agente Carter le indica a Harker que su madre realizó la denuncia por la visita de un desconocido cuando ella tenía la edad del resto de víctimas y que lo describió tal y como el espectador sabe que es Longlegs. Lee va a visitar a su madre y esta le dice que no recuerda mucho, es una mujer con síndrome de Diógenes que guarda todas las cosas, y le dice que lo bueno es que ella no tira nada, que busque en su habitación.

Allí encuentra las fotos que realizaba con su antigua polaroid y recuerda la visita de un hombre extraño que se acercó a su casa y hablo con ella respecto a su próximo cumpleaños y que le traía un regalo bastante perturbador, ella le saca una foto con su cámara, y aparece la madre de Lee para que se aleje de ella. El hombre dice ser el amigo de un amigo y la memoria de Lee se rompe.

Lee le entrega la foto a Carter y detienen a Longlegs, ella está convencida de que no actúa solo en sus crímenes, ya que se trata de una persona bastante extraña que la gente no dejaría entrar en su casa y que no genera confianza, así que cree que debe de ser su cómplice alguien que genere mucha confianza en los demás.

Cuando Lee va a interrogarlo, este se hace el misterioso y enigmático y cuando le pregunta por su complice insiste en que le pregunte a su madre, Lee sabe que su madre sufre de Diógenes y que se encuentra desubicada, posee alguna enfermedad mental sin diagnosticar, por lo que no le da veracidad a las palabras del asesino, y así se lo hace saber. Longlegs de repente se golpea la cabeza varias veces contra la mesa delante de Lee hasta matarse. Y lo hace sin miedo, solo con una satisfacción eterna.

Carter se enfada con Lee por haber llevado el interrogatorio a ese extremo, y otra compañera la acompaña a casa de su madre para que la interrogue, ya que sabe que es un momento delicado. Por el camino esta le cuenta que las maletas del asesino están llenas de libretas escritas a mano con referencias al diablo.

La compañera espera fuera mientras Lee busca a su madre en la casa, pero no la encuentra. Cuando se da cuenta, su madre está vestida de monja al lado del coche y le dispara en la cabeza con una escopeta a su compañera.

Lee no puede creer lo que está ocurriendo y sale en su búsqueda, la encuentra detrás de la casa, apuntando con su escopeta a una muñeca de tamaño real que se parece a ella de hace años. Lee le pide que se detenga y su madre le dispara en la cabeza a la muñeca, liberando el gas negro que se desvanece mientras la agente Lee se desmaya.

Lee Harker estando inconsciente, tiene un sueño donde su madre le explica el trato que hizo con aquel extraño hombre que llegó a su casa y que la acusó de ser hostil con él mientras la ataba y la amordazaba en el suelo y Lee se escondía en su habitación.

La madre de Lee hizo un pacto con aquel hombre, le ayudaría a hacerse con el alma de sus víctimas a cambio de la vida de su hija Lee y de la suya propia, para ello se vestiría de monja e iría a casa de las víctimas con la muñeca diciendo que es un regalo de la iglesia, ahí le entregaría a las niñas la muñeca y los padres empezarían a perder el juicio ante la presencia de la muñeca.

La madre de Lee lo hace porque si no el demonio se la llevara a las dos, y arderán en el fuego del infierno perpetuamente. Y ahora que Longlegs está muerto, ella debe terminar lo que el extraño hombre empezó.

Lee se despierta sobresaltada porque suena el teléfono y es la voz de Longlegs diciéndole que llega tarde al cumpleaños de Ruby, la hija de su compañero Carter. Lee sale corriendo, ya sabe donde está su madre y quienes son las siguientes víctimas.

Pese a lo alterada que está cuando llaman a la puerta, los dos padres de la niña le abren muy sonrientes, y la invitan a pasar y a sentarse al lado de la monja que le ha traído un regalo a la niña que no puede dejar de mirar.

Todos se sientan en el salón y aunque Lee intenta explicar que esa es su madre y que es la cómplice del asesino serial, Carter la manda a callar y le indica que se siente que irá a por la tarta y el cuchillo y le pide a su mujer que lo acompañe, antes de que Lee le diga nada su madre le indica que la mujer ya está muerta y que no puede hacer nada por ella, que la siguiente es la niña.

Lee aparta a la niña de la muñeca y la coloca detrás de ella para defenderla cuando su padre sale con un cuchillo cubierto de sangre de la cocina. Lee lo mata disparándole con su arma reglamentaria, y después le dispara a su madre cuando agresiva se dirige a ella por estropear el crimen. Ahí Lee tiene un flashback del demonio mirándola y queriendo quedarse su alma, cosa que borra de su mente cuando le dispara en la cabeza a su madre. Después intenta disparar a la muñeca en la cabeza para destruirla, pero no puede, algo se lo impide.

Lee y la niña salen de la casa, pero algo nos indica que la conexión entre Lee y Longlegs no ha finalizado con la muerte de este, hay algo que se ha liberado cuando su madre dispara a su propia muñeca, que ha llevado a Carrie Ann a suicidarse y que a ella la ha dejado en un limbo mental donde no logra aclarar sus ideas.

El demonio no ha sido detenido por la muerte de los asesinos seriales, es algo más profundo y denso que ni siquiera Lee logra comprender.

[wickedjr89gaming]

[forcedfemme-me]

Erin Blair LegScene

[randomfoggytiger]

X-Files Collector's Edition: Crazy X-Cops (and Watching the Tragic Ep. Later)

Inspired by @scullys-scalpel 's post (found here.)

Loose chronological order below~

@scullywolf's (Ao3, Masterlist)

X-COPS

""That’s correct, yes. And Agent Mulder… well, his working hypothesis for the case is, as you might guess, paranormal in nature, and–”

“Yes, Scully, I’ve met him.""

When Scully calls him up, Skinner debates the wisdom of-- oh, hang it all, put 'em on tv.

First Person Shooter

""They’re at LAX waiting for their flight home when his phone rings.

"Mulder.”

“Mulder! It’s Langly. How soon can you get to L.A.?”

“Uhh…” He looks around the bustling airport terminal, half-wondering if the guys are here somewhere and this is some sort of joke. “Why do you ask?""

Post X-Cops Mulder and Scully are still in the Cali area when he receives a call from The Lone Gunmen.

@seek-its-opposite​ (Ao3) nothing to hide (Ao3)

""Sergeant,” the man offers gently. “I think you have us all wrong.” He has all the ease of a hostage negotiator but none of the slickness. Despite how much he looks the part of a detective, he cuts an almost iconoclastic figure when he speaks.

“Your irresponsible theories nearly got my officer killed, Agent Mulder.” The sergeant gestures at the crack house, the door splintered on the floor. “To say nothing of how my department looks on camera for taking you seriously.”

“But you did take him seriously.” Agent Scully’s voice sharpens to a stiletto point. Her partner absorbs chaos; she refracts it.""

Post X-Cops Scully is infuriated the local cops blame Mulder for the night's failure, and reams them out in the honor of the man she loves.

@cecilysass/cecily_sass/Cecily Sasserbaum's

We’re Not Here To Get Involved in Personal Problems

""Scully,” Mulder interrupts himself suddenly. “Mangoes.”

She tracks the direction of his eyes, seeking the source of this nonsequitur. A half block ahead of where they are walking, a man and his teenage son work together to lift wooden flats of pale green mangoes from the back of a pick-up truck to a sales cart in their front yard.

Mulder turns to her, his eyes now taking on a manic, child-glimpses-ice-cream-truck gleam.""

Post X-Cops Mulder is in an unflappably good mood despite their empty gas tank; and Scully is-- reluctantly-- swept up in it. A leisurely walk, a mango barter, and a back-and-forth conversation ensues.

@agirlcallednarelle/TabithaJean's Good Morning, Sweet Dreams

""Mmmh,’ she mumbles, straightening up. ‘I’m awake, I’m awake.’

‘Looks like it,’ he smiles. ‘Didn’t you want to shower? Get those sheets all good and fake slept in?’

‘Yep,’ she murmurs, her eyes closed still. ‘I’m gonna do that. I’m getting up. Right now.’

‘You don’t have to, Scully,’ he tells her softly. ‘You don’t have to move.""

Post X-Cops Scully is too bushed to even shower.

@i-gaze-at-scully/ i_gaze_at_scully's Bad boys, bad boys

""Humor me, G-woman.” His voice is as sleepy as he is, with the same bite of electricity that’s keeping him awake. She sighs into the receiver and somehow hears the smug grin that spreads across his face as he resettles himself on his couch. That, she can actually hear: the rustle of fabric, the little crunch as the worn leather gives and the springs complain. She smiles in spite of herself, and decides, in fact, to humor him. 

“The very beginning?”

"Spare no detail,” he implores, and she remembers the panic of their briefing with Skinner after Chaney, years ago."" 

Post X-Cops Scully recaps their night over the phone to Mulder, who drops off (or at least snores) when she winds up to her list of grievances. (Her "unbelievable" floats around my head continually.)

@minuete-blog/Minuete's Out-Of-Scope Assignment - Chapter 8

""The two sat in their usual seats across from a scowling Skinner as they recount the COPS filming the elusive X-File and the somewhat successful bodyguard-turned-sting-operation.   He flipped through the report and underlined a few things for himself."" 

Post X-Cops Mulder wants to investigate another file but is squashed flat by Scully's "no." Instead, She invites him over for another work-night-turned-movie-night.

Girlie_girl7’s Bill Scully meets the X Cops

""Just then someone on the screen says they have a disturbance down the street. Mulder and Scully climb into their car. Scully stops the camera crew from going with them. "No, you go with someone else."

"About time Dana, you take charge.""

Post X-Cops Bill Scully, Jr., is shocked with his nightly COPS viewing; but gets swept up in the melodrama, cheering his sister on.

Sheryl Martin’s Feedback

""Thunk.

"Scully..."

Thunk.

"Scully... stop it."

Thunk.

"You're going to hurt yourself."

Thunk.

"Don't hurt the desk, then - put something under your head."

Thuddle.

"I didn't mean the case file. Besides, we did okay.""

Post X-Cops Scully is AGHAST that her family saw the episode.

ColebaltBlue/colebaltblue's Nothing to Hide

""Agent, you seriously believe we're looking for some kind of-"

"We'll, I'll show ya."

"Oh Mulder, you didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Show that drawing on national television." Scully watched as Mulder unfoled the picture of wolf-man on screen. "Oh, yes, you did."

"Scully?" Mulder sounded amused, but with just a hint of hurt under it all. She bumped his shoulder with hers by way of apology. He bumped back and all was forgiven.

Post X-Cops Mulder and Scully watch the episode; and she grapples with the heartwarming (but oft frustrating) realization that Mulder cares only for her good opinion.

Erin Blair/Erin M. Blair's Halloween Evening

""Mulder nodded. "Twenty people wanted candy from the 'cool FBI agents' - that's what one of the kids said to me." He saw her give him one of her patented looks. "I don't know where he recognized us from. For all we know, he probably watched the 'Cops' episode with fifty repeated viewings.""

Post X-Cops Mulder and Scully were kept hoppin' on Halloween.

IngridGradient's Filmed on Location

""Mulder can’t help but feel smug about the fact that Scully has been reasonably attentive for the whole thing, barring a few scoffs and mutterings about how they shouldn't have let themselves be filmed. She even appeared amused a few times, basking in the (relative) innocence of their (relative) youth. And she ate the popcorn.

“Well. That was…something,” she says. “I’m still not clear on the M.O. of the creature you were proposing — precisely how it would pass the…the ‘fear’ along its chain of victims. You know what I mean, Mulder? The mechanism, the vector for transmission.”

“Always with the ‘how’ and never with the ‘wow’,” Mulder says."" 

Post Revival Mulder finds the episode and convinces Scully to watch it. Their moods sink the longer it goes on; but they're jolted out of the doldrums by their shock at a "lost scene." (As someone not into smut reading, I just skip that section~.)

AUs and Extras

@wtfmulder/@momdadimpoppunk (Ao3) TXF Fic Snippets

""Mulder pops in through the connecting door while she’s undressing, and she shakes her head before he gets any words out. “Absolutely not,” she says sternly.

“What do you think I’m here for?” He laughs, leaning up against the doorframe.""

In a collection of fic snippets, post X-Cops Scully sinks to the floor of her motel room, batting off Mulder's intentions.

stellar_dust's (Ao3) Cause and Effect (Ao3)

""He laughed. "Come on, Scully, it's a classic. How often do we get to see ourselves together, huh?"

She groaned. "Who says I want to, Mulder? That's what cameras are for. *Personal* cameras."

"... You know, Scully, you're really short," Mulder mused, like he hadn't made a point of noticing that fact at least a thousand times since they'd met.""

In a fic that spans S7's events post The Goldberg Variation, Mulder contemplates magic and trickery and chicanery.

FootlessData507′s Do You Want to Believe? - Chapter 12

""You look around to figure out what’s happened. You can’t move very far, obviously, because of that oxygen mask you are currently dependent on, but it soon becomes clear to you that something is going on in the economy section. You can hear screaming in addition to that strange sucking noise, and a whole lotta beeping and wailing, like there’s an episode of Cops playing in there.

You were in an episode of Cops once. Remember that? How did that not get brought up more?""

In a Pick-Your-Own-Adventure series of events, Scully is determined to have a beautiful flight... aliens interfere, of course; and Mulder gets right in the middle of it.

Do You Want to Believer? - Chapter 28

""Momma Mulder didn’t raise no chump! You put on your mask first, breathing in that sweet, sweet Element Eight.

            O-utstanding.

            Get it?

            Anyway, eventually you get around to helping that kid. Once you’ve done so, you look around to figure out what’s happened....

            You were in an episode of Cops once. Remember that? How did that not get brought up more?""

In that same series of events, Mulder gets a shot at a Cops shoutout.

Defnotmeyo’s (WBM, Alt. WBM) FTF- AKA The Tentative Trio (Alt.)

""The last torn up picture, the one left on top, is her first ultrasound.  One of the ones Mulder wasn’t there for.  The first one.  The first time he felt her hold his hand, kinda quite ‘that way.’

He’s not immune, to Mulder, either.  In that heap of a trash pile is a torn up L.A. newspaper, asking why the FBI was in town, and was partnering with COPS.""

S11 Skinner-- having received CSM's "biological" revelation-- tears his place apart and reflects on Mulder, the man he thinks of as his son.

@onpaperfirst's (Ao3, LJ) Snakebitten

""She went into the bathroom and he heard quiet movement, a zipper, fabric, then the squeak of pipes and water running in the tub. He wished he could fall asleep, nap in front of the TV, so he wouldn’t be waiting there expectantly when she came out, like some creep who’d just been sitting there the whole time, listening to her in there, thinking about her naked, which, well, he sometimes did, but he wasn’t now. 

He watched most of an episode of COPS before deciding she’d been in there too long. You could drown in an inch of water. Not to mention the things they’d seen come up a drainpipe.""

AU-- S5 Mulder and Scully secretly push apart as she investigates her cancer and abduction and he is forced into the long-con of recruitment leading up to The Pine Bluff Variant-- though, as per their bond, they are ultimately pulled back together.

@ghostbustermelanieking/skuls's encephalon - Chapter 1

""She wrinkles her nose up at him from where she's collapsed in the desk chair. “I liked Los Angeles,” she says seriously. “I don't like ridiculous movies that over-exaggerate and misconceptualize our jobs. At least that COPS episode showed what we really do.”

Mulder taps his chin dramatically, pretending to be in deep thought. “I seem to remember a certain Jose Chung and his horribly inaccurate portrayal of a certain case,” he says coyly.

She makes a face at him. “At least the names were changed,” she retorts.""

AU-- Mulder and Scully work through his brain disease in S7, with Scully's science ultimately saving his life. X-Cops is mentioned briefly after the disaster of The Lazarus Bowl.

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

[coruscatingdust]

Love: a shrine in which I lay down my scars as a wretched but dignified sacrifice

Marina Tsvetaeva, excerpt from Poem of the End, Selected Poems (trans. Elaine Feinstein, with Angela Livingstone)

[passion-of-arts]

LONGLEGS | HD Trailer (German)

"Longlegs" ist ein Horror-Thriller von Regisseur Oz Perkins, der am 12. Juli 2024 in den USA in die Kinos kam und im August 2024 in den deutschen Kinos erwartet wird. Der Film folgt der jungen FBI-Agentin Lee Harker, gespielt von Maika Monroe, die an ihrem ersten Tag im neuen Job auf einen Serienmörder trifft. Harker muss eine Reihe von verborgenen Hinweisen entschlüsseln, um die Mordserie zu stoppen.

[ivebeentotheforest]

Longlegs (2024)

[coruscatingdust]

So much of the next few weeks will really depend on my mindset and how I regulate my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t realize just how difficult it would be to present at three big conferences back to back, with no breaks in between. I have so much preparation work I have to do between now and the beginning of April and they are all in topics I don’t really know much about (yet I have to present papers in them in front of experts !)

the impostor syndrome is real and I have so much anxiety even thinking about the whole process and what would happen when I get up there and present.

Some times during the day I get so overwhelmed and think there’s no way I can get anything done. I get paralyzed. I beat myself up. I feel so much shame. I feel incredibly small. I then think about how others might judge me for the quality of work i put forth. I’m terrified of the worst thing that might happen.

Other times during the day, I feel a little bit more hopeful, have a little more courage. It might not be the absolute best quality of work. But it would still be *something*. And I’ll get to learn something during the process. Really, I do think the topics are partly formative for my personal growth (even though they don’t directly have anything to do with my current research).

This is a very strange time of my life. I feel so uprooted when it comes to my dissertation. I feel so lost working on these papers because they are not directly my field of expertise. I feel like an impostor having to speak at conferences where there will be experts in the field. There is something so terrifying and ironic about all this.

There will be a lot of traveling. Networking. Lots of learning opportunities. Stimulating discussions. Even if my paper does not go the way I want it to, there will be some good that comes out of the journey and I just have to trust the process some how. It really isn’t about how I am perceived. It’s about what I learn and how I cultivate a desire for learning. It’s about having an open disposition to the world, undergoing a transformation and expansion of the mind. It really has less to do with the anxieties about the ego but what I come to discover about the world and myself during this process.

This is why both Socrates and Murdoch (the two I will be presenting on) have indeed been helpful figures for me, enabling me to let go of the need for certainties and control but to take on an epistemic attitude that remains curious, that pays attention and commits to inquiry without panic, without asking for definite conclusions. Definitive conclusions might be sought ought for the love of self-protection and prestige (thumoeidic desires) but the love of learning (philomates) does not require such rigid anxiety.

I don’t know if I can present the “best academic work” or present an incredibly novel idea to the field. I really don’t know. I might be doing something simple. I’m taking it a day at a time, doing what I can do each day given my limits. I’m aware of both my limits and my desire for learning, and that I’m a mixture of ignorance and wisdom, a thing in-between, that which is becoming.

And who am I becoming throughout this process?

That is what I look forward to figuring out (and living out) this season.

[erisluna35ocblog]

For context, the woman in both pics is Erin Liung. She's a friend of both the man, Noir, and the woman he's talking about, Bianca. Those two are the parents of the girl below, Blair, who's got a lot in common with her dad, like blaming their love interests for making their aro-spec hearts skip a beat. But their dead and Erin, being their bestest best friend ever, is raising their kids. Life is hard when you're the only normal one in your found family, huh Erin?

Based on this.