#Emotions and connections are messy so I'm fine with not really having those or wanting those but goddamn

[diabolocracy]

I love being schizoid and all but I'd love it even more if there was a cure for anhedonia and avolition.

[iheart-nana]

xxxiv. the rose that grew thorns

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CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR ─ the rose that grew thorns.

❛ my heart only wants you the moment you say no ❜

Narrator's Perspective

To Yumi, it seemed like all she did was stand and wait since she time travelled for the second time. But what other choice did she have? If she was completely honest with herself, she envied Sunjae and Eunyoung's instant connection. Things just seemed to fall into place for them. Not that they were completely carefree, though.

So, once again, she stood among the sea of students dispersing from school. The sun shone it's piercing rays over the campus, and the cheery chatter that filled the air along with the insane humidity was already giving Yumi a migraine. Her eyes searched the crowd for a messy-haired, cat-faced boy in a blinding biker jacket. 

The moment she spotted him, her eyes lit up, and her lethargic posture on the bench suddenly became erect as she practically sprinted across the street. "Taesung!"

He turned sharply to look at her, his expression as grim as ever.

"Look, I'm sorry for-"

"What the hell's the matter with you?!" he snapped at her, his face twisting with rage, "I don't know what sick prank you're playing with me. What exactly are you sorry for? That your mother comes and yells at me at seven in the morning?"

"Taesung, what?" Yumi tried to ask, her mind in utter confusion.

"She comes up to me before school, threatens me not to come near you or she would file a restraining order. And you come up to me not once, but twice, to apologize?" He said the last part like a question, as if it was just that shocking, "You're the one who asked me to piss off, so here I am, minding my own business and then you appear out of nowhere saying shit that barely makes sense. Look all I wanted to say is that it would be really great if you and your family stopped attacking me in the streets, thanks."

Heads were turning, and Yumi felt a lump in her throat and tears forming in her eyes. She lowered her head, and began walking away as her tears threatened to spill at any second.

Somewhere in the crowd, Eunyoung and Sunjae stood silently, watching the scene unfold before them. Eunyoung's heart twisted in pain. The story seemed to click in her mind as she came to a hurtful realization. Their mother must have overheard their conversation from the previous day.

"Sunjae I'm sorry, can we reschedule-" she began, but he cut her off.

"Go, go, I'll be fine, I swear," he urged. She said a quick thank you, running after Yumi.

 💿

Eunyoung unlocked the door to her house as fast as she could, rushing inside. When she stepped into the living room, her heart sank. Yumi was curled up on the couch, her knees drawn to her chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Without hesitation, Eunyoung hurried to her side, pulling her into a tight, comforting embrace. Yumi continued to weep into her shoulder, her tears soaking through Eunyoung's shirt.

Eunyoung had only seen her like this once before—when Yumi's mother had passed away. The sight of her closest friend in such deep pain tore at her heart. After what felt like forever, Yumi slowly pulled back, her voice trembling as she said, "It hurts, Eunyoung... it hurts so much. My chest feels like it's been stabbed, like there's a weight crushing it. I've... I've lost him, Eunyoung."

Tears filled Eunyoung's own eyes as she gently took Yumi's shaking hands in hers. "Oh, Yumi," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.

"I've hurt him so much... He hates me now- hell, I hate myself!" Yumi cried, her words broken by sobs. Her face was drenched in tears, her eyes swollen and red, the tip of her nose glowing. The raw pain in her voice and the way she trembled made Eunyoung's heart ache even more as Yumi's sorrow spilled out through her shaking sobs.

"It's not your fault, Yumi," Eunyoung assured her. Her own voice shook, but even that couldn't hide her genuine belief in those words, "None of it is your fault, Yumi. You have believe that. For me. And for mom. You know how much she cares about you and never wants to see you hurt or grieving. She's trying her best to protect you, Yumi. The accident was a horrible tragedy and it was nobody's fault that it happened."

"I ruined his life," Yumi continued to weep, her throat beginning to ache, "I should have never been here in the first place!"

Eunyoung had never felt as helpless as she had in that moment, watching Yumi cry achingly. She tried as hard as she could to wipe her own tears that blurred her vision. 

"At the hospital," Eunyoung began, trying to gather herself, "He checked with me a million times if you were going to be okay. He made sure you would be alright before shifting rooms. He really cares about you, Yumi, I mean it. He does care. You need to remember that. You need to cling to that hope."

 Eunyoung could practically hear Taesung's earnest voice in her ears.

"Eunyoung, hear me out for a minute. I know you, your mom and everyone hates me and I'm like number one on your hitlist, but I just need to know one thing and I swear I'll get lost. Is Yumi going to be alright? Just tell me that much, cause I NEED to know. You just need to tell me that much and then I'm going to shift rooms. I promise I won't interfere with her life EVER again."

Yumi's sobbing reduced a little bit, and Eunyoung saw it as a small victory as she saw a little light returning to Yumi's swollen eyes.

"I really want to believe that," Yumi whispered.

"You should," Eunyoung affirmed, "Because it's true."

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nana's notes: sunjae being the considerate king that he is <3

delphi's notes: TAESUNG NOOOOOOO

next chapter: friday (out now!) list of chapters here!

[prowerprojects]

I think it's completely normal for Tails; considering his character, to have the emotions that he has when insecurities pop up. The problems often lies in how they're prompted or carried throughout the story. They don't often do those flaws justice and it comes off as messy, unflattering and incomplete. Not unlike some other characters in this series. (Then again, I have noticed some think it's strange for Tails to any emotion that isn't happy, determined or cheerful all the time. Anything not deemed "cute".)

Him beating himself up over failures, locking himself away until he fixes it, getting frustrated when he think his feelings aren't being listened to or downplayed, feeling insecure when his efforts aren't good enough, "logical outcome vs doing what's right", pride being wounded at times and not knowing how to deal it. These are all fine, but we need to see his strengths in tangent to balance them to push him to new heights. (This is why I really hope he gets a solo story by himself with no Sonic in sight so we get a better sense of how he handles his struggles and tackles his ambitions on his own. More "what does Tails do", "what does Tails want", "keeping the peace his way", etc.)

Hm true. Even if I have a soft spot for what Lost World was trying to do, for example, the story itself is kind of a jumbled mess that switches emotional direction multiple times (Some people having trouble imagining Tails being anything but cute is interesting, because I feel like this is also connected with the massive amount of villain!Tails aus out there. It's like people want to see Tails express less "cute" emotions, but feel like if he does, he wouldn't be in character anymore. (But also there's a subsection of people who just straight up hate kids when they aren't perfect little angels and it translates onto the fictional children as well))

The other post was just about the flaws, but you're right. While having interesting flaws is good, for the character to be likable they need to be balanced with the strengths, but lately it's been mostly just the flaws, at least in the ways that really stands out to people.

It's kinda sad that for Tails to shine he needs to be completely isolated from Sonic. It comes off almost as if there's an issue with the character itself, as if everyone else is more interesting and would take attention off of him. But at this point I feel like there's also an issue of the reputation that he had developed, he might unfortunately need to be isolated to undo said reputation (But also who am I kidding I would love to have a solo story that is all about Tails and how cool he is and what he actually wants in life!!)

Though I'm not holding my breath tbh, at lesst not for a solo game, I feel like what's gonna happen is they come back the next game and act exactly as they usually do. Maybe Tails would be a bit more confident as the result of his self-discovery journey.

[evilminji]

:O my brain was too small n smooth.

My god, you're a genius.

Cause like? That's EXACTLY what they would and SHOULD do? I was thinking WAY too human-centricly? AND too monogamously! She's not out here saying "hey, who wants to marry?" She's out here? Saying?

"Hey. Who wants too help me repopulate our INCREDIBLY ENDAGERED Species?"

More Fathers? Would actually? Be BETTER. All the Father's, actually. Yes, please! Now that she thinks about it? Let's make this? A co-parenting? ORGANIZATION. Fuck polycule. Let's skip RIGHT past that into LEGION.

Negotiations must be both intricate and daunting. Thick enough to substitute for bedrock. Order Lawyers must both LOVE and DESPISE her. Cause, like? On ONE hand? Their names will be LEGEND. But on the OTHER hand?

The WORK that requires! (Why would you DO this!?)

Cause? Think about it? More Fathers? Means MORE protection for each individual offspring. Both collectively BEFORE they are born and AFTER they are born! Would YOU let your child's half brother be murdered? Yes, their Father is dead, but YOU are not. You could raise them, dispite not being your biological offspring. Have an emotional connection to them now.

Their chance of survival has just dramatically increased.

AND? If she divides the goo? Between multiple Fathers? They can FOCUS their attention, resources, and protection? On those fewer offspring! Better chance of survival. Quality vs Quantity, on TOP of Variety.

Should the worst come? As she fears it will? Each of those Fathers? ARE gonna take THEIR offspring and bolt! That's a scatter maneuver! The Sith gonna find ALL of them? REALLY? They haven't before. They won't NOW. All she has to do? Is load down each of THEM with Jedi history, teachings, philosophy etc? And it WILL survive the purge.

All it takes is ONE getting out, after all.

Plus? Wouldn't it be so MESSY? Lead the Galaxy on? "Oh who will I choooose~☆?" Yes. All of them. Harem of co-parents and I'm not even gonna marry one. Babies everywhere. Scandals for DAYS! They love to see it.

Turns out those mythic, untouchable Jedi? Aren't so different after all! (But of course, it's not like the LEADERSHIP is messy. No, no, THEY are Respectable. This is just some Nobody. THAT'S fine! If it was somebody IMPORTANT we might have begun to doubt them! But this? Oh ho HO! How stressful! Those poor Beings!)

I forget the name of it? But there is literally a fallacy? Where the mind tricks itself? Into thinking positively about someone for presumed improvement that doesn't exsist? If? At the FIRST impression? You do well, but THEN do less well after? They will perceive you negatively.

However! If your First Impression is Meh or Bad, but you then go back and show yourself to be "Improved" with what is your better (normal) standard of behavior? They will think HIGHLY of you. Look how HARD you work! How POLITE! Respectful! Trying so hard to IMPROVE! More people should be like you.

And just???

Messy Jedi? Normal Jedi. Over THERE is the Messy Jedi, with her scandals and then billion babies and Mandalorians and Senate hearings and-? Over HERE... is this Nice Polite RESPECTFUL Jedi with their cute lil Padawan. Padding after them like a duckling. Wittle serious expression on their smol face, as they try so hard to remember their etiquette lessons.

Do they mess up? Accidentally insult you? Yes. But they look mortified. Like they are going to cry. They are clearly trying their best and still learning, weren't raised amongst Polite Society like you were.

Honestly? How could you be mad? They are so respectful. So HORRIFIED when you point out what they accidently said. There, there, dear. What a Polite NOT-Messy Jedi. Thank goodness you got a GOOD one. (Jokes on you. They're basicly all like this.)

OKAY, FIRST? Like the Picture Says...

So!

Here I was, sittin', thinkin', pondering my thoughts. Thing to myself? "How could one? Presumably female, much like myself, Jedi repopul-" and THAT is when my brain, worn and weary, from years of The Internet? SLAMMED its fucking pint down on the bar counter, turned to me with an ugly scowl and sneered?

"You KNOW fucking how. Don't be coy."

( O.O) w-well alright then, brain. Little aggressive. Kinda wondering where you got the knife. I... I'ma just... go... *pint glass is thrown after me, shattering on the door as it just barely misses*

So! Yeah. Birth, probably. But STILL! That's like? Still ONE(1) fuckin Jedi right? And even IF Mr. "I am literally half midi-chlorians by blood" sired two Force Sensitives on his first go? That's no guarantee EVERYONE does?

Unless..... >.> we are taking into account a Force Sensitive RACE. THEN? Oh, THEN? It's not a matter of IF, but HOW MUCH. Enough to hit that arbitrary cut off point? What if you don't care? What if you say "everybody can be a Jedi"? Want to TRUELY spread the Light. Not just to those who are STRONG enough... but to EVERYONE.

There are a few races like that! But! That STILL? Doesn't solve the Puzzle! The Problem! Of how could One(1) VERY determined Jedi lady, who? Presumably is pretty cool with motherhood. Rebuild The Jedi Order, by NOPING™ out before Order 66.

Again, presumably AFTER taking on the role of Creche Master. And AFTER taking all the youngling on a Super Fun Unplanned Don't Tell The Other Grown Ups Suprise Feild Trip~☆ (yaaaaay!)(who wants snacks! Everybody got their travel bags and buddies? Let's gooooo~☆!)

Cause like? Still need a stable population. And enough Jedi to *obscene gestures multiculturally* at the Sith.

My? Proposal? We turn to the Wisdom of the Monster Fuckers. (Wait wait WAIT! Don't leave! HEAR ME OUT!) I KNOW this sounds like a sex thing! Not a sex thing! It's a "Who said Humanoid Meant Live Birth? Were fucking Aliens, Bro" thing! Just because? Our SI-OC? Was reborn AS a vaguely human shaped sentient?

DOESNT MEAN SHE'S A MAMMAL.

That weird hair color could mark her as some WEIRD, man! Fuck, for all we know she could be a fungus! It's vaguely body horror! You get over it! Adapt to new biology!

Learn?? You lay CLUTCHS. Fuckin EGGS. All baby making is external after the first bit. Something, something, easier to defend against predators. SI-OC doesn't remember that part. There was this high pitched ringing in her head then a thump. She was on the floor. May have fainted. What're you, a cop?

They offer her weird alien birth control.

She takes the birth control.

Learns she is a Rare and Near Extinct Species, a la Master Mundi. Learns it's VERY detrimental to her health to lay clutches. Takes a lot of resources, she can't LEAVE it, so with out a partner or community (or sufficient hoard of food) she WILL starve to death. It HAS happened.

No, seriously, look Mafame Che in the eyes. It HAS happened. And no you CAN'T "push your impulses into the Force". It's a biological imperative. Your body physically won't LET you.

Exactly three options. Babies born, they die, or YOU DIE.

......little intense. Got it. Yes she would like that birth control. She will continue to be both average and forgettable. Pay no attention to the Jedi Creche Master In Training! Oh look! It's kenobi! *yeets fellow jedi under the speeder*

Take some.... research trips >.> <.< >.> which is of course totally not scouting out new Temple locations! To the Wild Zone. Mmmmm, no one for WEEKS by hyperdrive! It's so calm out here!

Only took, like, 278 different planets scouted! To find the right one.

*starts building dwellings.* *starts directing "too old" Force Sensitives or Families that want to stay together and are willing to move, towards the location.*

New secret Jedi planet? Whaaaaat? Nooooooo. That would be illegal. Jedi can't break RULES! Don't be silly. Oh? Is that Skywalker? *same Speeder, new jedi. YEET!*

But WAIT! The War Approachth! D:> upsetting. Better get ready to give that "we totally need to Hide The Babies For War Reasons" presentation she has prepared. But FIRST?

A clutch. Got a transport pod ready to go. Got food stockpiled. Got the birth control out. Now? Just need a male! Too uh... contribute.

.......look, she wants her legion of tiny jedi babies okay? They glow like STARS. Everything is BETTER with them around. And she's kinda come around to this whole... disgusting slime... goo... Thing™. Cause I mean? At LEAST it's not pushing one OUT! ( o7 Padme, you have her respect. But also you are a madwoman.)

The Healers, are of course, FROTHING at the mouth.

YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKER. They hiss, like healing and very concerned paragons of needle weilding fury. Where the FUCK are you going to just? GET?? A male of you INCREDIBLY RARE AS FUCK Species? You damn near dead and no longer existent species??!? You have DELIBERATELY put yourself in EXTREME medical distress! For WHAT?! Did you HAVE a plan!?

Yeah. :3 I call it Pulling a Yoda's Linage *Yoda ears move from Concern, to Intrigued*

*click*

..........what was that. Jedi SI-OC, What Was That?? *comms start blowing up* What did you just DO?

Oh :3c simple. She asked. It's the only polite thing to DO after all. She DOES need assistance. Surely someone would be willing to offer. If they can. How? You may ask?? Why look so CONCERNED Councilors! She simply assumed, that? Since there is no way of KNOWING where in the Galaxy surviving members of her Race are? And time IS of the essence? She SHOULD reach as wide an audience as she can, as FAST as she can... RIGHT?

>:3c so, of course, she posted her request to the Holonet.

Video and all.

"Grettings, I am Jedi SI-OC. I am an [race] and currently a Creche Master here at the Jedi Temple of Coruscant. I require the assistance of a healthy, willing Male of my species, as I have laid a clutch. And wish to have it fertilized. I would like to have children. We would, of course, discuss co parenting the children before beginning. I have, attached, further details. Thank you for your time. May the Force be with you"

Sexiest shit a LOT of people for egg laying races have seen in years. Well... those with Very Specific Jedi Kinks. Of course, no one ADMITS to jedi kinks. But like... you've thought about it. Don't lie. Everyone's thought about it. It's them and the Mandalorians.*commiserating noises*

But like? The NEWS CYCLE.

Holy SHIT.

Yeah, yeah, tensions and possible succession from the Republic. Sith plots in the background. But? *new casters violently clear their planned segments for THIS* JEDI? Horny on main!? Is THIS ALLOWED? IS this horny? What race is that? C-can other people volunteer? And if so, who? We take to the streets! Sir, what's your opinion on-?

OUTTA MY WAY, I'MMA BANG A JEDI! *frenzied mob like behavior*

*temple guards, unnamused.* back! BACK! Horny jail! For ALL OF YOU!

Just?? It's? So, SO? Important to me? That their are Mandalorian [race] that show up. Because the need to repopulate their people is more important then *scrunch nose* Jedi(ew). That it becomes the Galaxy's hottest Bachelorette show. WHO? Amongst these Fine And Acomplished Men? Will the Jedi CHOOSE? To have babies with! They ask.

And, presumably, marry and learn the power of family and friendship and emotions and be HEALED by LOVE etc etc.

There are shipping charts. It's horrifying. The talk shows LOVE it.

Council? Day drinking. Except for Mundi. He's just like "....but did you HAVE to you they Holonet? It's so MESSY >:/ everyone's in our BUSINESS now." Cause he's not a hypocrite. Grumpy asshole? Absolutely. But not a hypocrite.

Just? The single most "....who?" Jedi ever. Causing the BIGGEST fuss. Right at the worst possible moment, for Sidious. Causing an explosion of glee and hope and laughter etc, all across the Galaxy. Good feeling towards the Jedi. EVERYBODY talking about them. There's gonna be HUNDREDS more!

If she does this AGAIN (in a decade. Madame Che was NOT joking on the stress it puts on the body) there could be thousands new Jedi over the coming years! (Probably why the Sith fuckin wiped them OUT, not that she thinks about it. Fuckers. Who's laughing NOW?! Huh? WHO LAUGHING NOW?!)

Again! Very, unspeakably Ace. Not a sex thing. I just think I'd be funny? That the Forces answer to The Evil Sith plan was... Babies™.

What are we? Fuckin YODA?

@babbling-babull @hdgnj @legitimatesatanspawn @spidori @hypewinter @mayfay

[igotanidea]

Gritty - sweetbitter fanfiction (Jake x OC) : chapter 1

not gonna lie - I'm super excited to publish this

also: if you have any suggestions of what tags should I use to blast this story let me know :)

Enjoy and share

Pairing: sweetbitter!Jake X OC

word count: 5.645

warnings: not in this part, but def. in the future

masterlist

Chapter 1

Welcome to New York

12 years ago, September 1st

­- You are my best friend, you know – I said to a boy sitting next to me on the pier by the ocean in our favorite spot in Cape Cod. Since it was early Monday morning there was not a soul to be seen and we both loved this peace and calmness that comes with lack of people. The circumstances of our conversation was however a bit more saddening. -  Even if…

-What?

-Even if Simone tries to keep you away.

-She doesn’t keep me away. She just …. cares.

- Yeah, right.

-What?

-Nothing. I just… I know she is like a mother to you, but your relation is just … I don’t know…

- Are you jealous? – he squinted

- Really, Jake? Joking much? – I eyed him with serious look, shaking my head but he could see the smallest of smiles on my face – I care too, you know. Just in a different way. Don’t know if it’s better but that’s just how it is. More like watching from the distance.

- Like a predator. Waiting for a prey – he nudges me playfully – you are like a kestrel.

- That is an unusual comparison.

-Maybe – he shrugged- but it fits you. In a good way – he shifted towards me, now sitting with his one leg up his chest, the other stretched freely – you may seems quiet and distant but you are always there for those who need you. For me and I …. – he hesitated but never finished – never mind.So…. you’re leaving?

-I don’t want to . I don’t freaking want to. But, shit, I’m barely 15 and no one treats me seriously so what a girl can do?

-You could raise a rebellion. I would do that if I had a choice.

-Mhm, sure. And end up being grounded to the addition to the moving. It’s already hard as it is. – I went silent looking at the sea in front of us. The wind was flowing through my messy hair and I was trying my best to remember everything about the place where I grew up and about the person I cared about. Jake. And Simone, but that was a bit more complicated story.

-I don’t want you to go – he muttered barely audible looking at the ground for some reason avoiding my gaze.

-I know, Tri, I’m scared. Everything will be new there. I don’t know if I will fit in. I mean, New York? The buzzing city? The “concrete jungle where dreams are made of”? This is some serious shit.   – my voice was flat, but we both had this sort of connection where we knew the hidden emotions. We knew each other since we were 8 and Jake lost his mother, and spending a lot of time together we kind of learnt how to read each other. However, this bond never got a chance to turn into something more serious and the reason behind it ….

- There you are! – a tall blonde girl emerged from behind causing both of us to jump. Up till now I didn’t even realize that we so close to each other. She slid in the space between us and with a widest smile started talking – everyone has been looking for you, Mackie. And I was worried about you, Jake.

- Simone – I nod my head towards her. We were some sort of friends but I always knew deep inside me that she was hiding something. I had my suspicions about it too, but never really confronted either Jake or Simone about it. When I tried they were just shutting me off and I never wanted that.

-We are fine, Simone – Jake abruptly stood up and leaned over the barrier. Now he was up while me and Simone were sitting next to each other. – We were just talking.

-About what? – she shook her head and her perfect hair waved.

-Mackie’s moving to the big city.

-Oh, yes. We are going to miss you, Mackie, truly. You are our best friend after all. Besides, we would still call and text each other, right? And talk on Skype. We have so many possibilities.

-Sure. Sure Simone. Every day. I would not accept anything else – I agreed looking at her – sure as hell won’t let you get rid of me so easily.

-I’m counting on that – Simone moved closer and hugged me – I’m really, really sorry this had to happen to you.

- Having a lawyer father and a mother that got a job at NYU I should have seen that coming – I sighed letting the girl hold me. It was surprisingly comforting. – Anyway, I’m cold. Shall we had back?

-Sure. There is some hot tea and snacks at home. And maybe we will get a taste of the wine that has been growing in the cellar. Help me up, Jake? – she stuck her hand and Jake lifted her. – Let’s go – she took the boy by one arm and me by the other and we walked towards the house.

12 years ago, September 5th

-Just hurry up, Mackie! Say goodbye to your friends and get in the car! We have quite a journey ahead!

-Oh come on, mum. I need some more time!

-You will address your mother with more respect young lady! – my father chimed into the conversation

-Sorry dad – I muttered – it’s important to me, ok? A couple of minutes, please? – I pleaded with my eyes wide open for better effect.

- You are a player, you know that, and your charm does not work on me, but I understand. I’ll give you those couple of minutes. Now, go! – he pointed me towards Jake and Simone who were standing a few meters away and got in car himself. As soon as he did I turned towards my friends.

-This is it then – I shrugged.

-We will never forget you, Mackie.

Shit, Simone! I wanted to avoid being melodramatic – I smirked when she reached her arms and hold me closely.

-Well I wanted to be. Promise to call us. – she moved so she could look at my face. – Promise.

- I promise – I looked at Jake who was just standing there, hands in his pockets, no word and no expression on his face – Bye, Jake. – I said without taking any step closer to him. I just could not force myself to and neither did he. As you may have guessed we were both reserved and distant.

-Bye, Kennel – he answered and just kept on standing in the same pose looking straight at me. I withheld this gaze without looking down. 

- Your parents are waiting, Mack – Simone said when my father honked a couple of times hurrying me up. – I’m going inside. I can’t watch you drive away – she hugged me one more time and disappeared inside. As soon as she was out of sight Jake shifted forward and embraced me with his arms. That  was new. Burring his face in my neck, giving me some tickling he muttered something I could not quite understand (but there was something that started with L) and then as fast as Simone entered the house.

My first instinct was to run after him and make him explain all this but it truly was time to go.

8 years ago, July 4th

The independence day. The national celebration and what was most important – day FREE OF WORK. Even though I practically had to beg I forced my parents to take an opportunity to make a little trip to a Cape Cod.  For no particular reason they were reluctant but finally gave up. So I finally get a chance to reunite with my friends. I have to admit that for the last years our contact varied. Skype and messages were fine and frequent, I also came to visit from time to time but since I wasn’t there on regular basis I felt like I was cut off from a lot of things.

4th of July and summer time finally gave me an opportunity to make up for that. So can you blame me that when we arrived at Cape Cod my first instinct was to run to our place by the seaside? I was really hoping to find Jake there. I needed to talk to him first, before Simone since there was something off about him last time we spoke. I run the steps leading towards the pier and was welcomed by the sea breeze on my face. Oh, how I missed that! It’s been too long. Luckily, I was turning 18 next year so maybe I will be able to finally convince my parents that I’m fine traveling by myself.

-Kennel? – I spun around, all hair immediately on my face, blocking the view. But even if my sight was off for a moment I knew who was standing in front of me.

- Jake – I smiled as I got a hold of them and it grew even bigger when he put a single left strand behind my ear.  – Hello.

- I’ve heard you were coming – he moved an inch closer.

-Really? I thought you just spend the last two years here waiting for me to return. 

- You are crazy – he shook his head. – Nothing changed.

-With you too, I guess? Nothing new?

- Not much. I mean, what do I have in comparison with new Yorker?

-I don’t feel like I am. This place consumes you, but it takes ages to actually feel like at home there. At least for me.

-You were always an introvert, maybe that’s why.

-Yeah, maybe – I leant onto the barrier, our hands almost touching when he brushed his fingers over mine. – I missed this. – Jake stayed silent just staring at the ocean and I didn’t feel the urge to fill the silence. Just this. Simple as it was. Meant much more than words.

-Simone is waiting for you too, we should head back.

- Should we?

- Yes, Mackie. Come on. We’ll eat and then watch the fireworks tonight.

***

The day just… passed and before I realized we were heading towards the beach to celebrate with other people. Even though it was still quite light we were off for quite a show. The fireworks at the sea shore were always better than anywhere else in the country.

Jake and Simone were walking ahead of me, joking and laughing, having the time of their lives. Their happy faces and teasing were something I missed too. They seemed closer than before I left and that was a little thorn but I decided not to focus on that too much and just enjoy the evening.

-Mackie! Catch up! – Simone called for me – don’t stay behind, why would you do that? It’s starting – she stopped between me and Jake as the fireworks started to explode. I was right, it was breathtaking. Me and Simone had our heads up admiring it, but when I tear my gaze away I noticed Jake was staring at me instead of at the sky. I frowned at him in confusion, silent question forming but he just shook his head signalizing it was nothing important, so I just shrugged and continued on watching.

It ended sooner than any of us wanted. It was still early but all of a sudden I felt tired and couldn’t suppress a yawn.

-Exhausted, Mackie? – Simone asked

- Yeah, don’t know why. Must be the journey.

-Sure it is. Jake will walk you home than, won’t you? I will stay here for a while more, hope you’ll join me later, ok?

- Whatever – Jake shrugged getting up from the sand and motioned me to move.

Silence seemed to be natural for us and once again it feel during our walk on the beach.

-I know you’re not really that tired – Jake finally broke it.

-Am I not? Why do you think so?

-Mackie, cut it. Thank you.

-No, Jake, seriously, what is going on? – I stopped abruptly finally having the chance to confront him – is there something, anything, you want to tell me?

- No – simple answer to much more complicated question.

-Liar.

-Menace.

-Asshole.

-Witch.

- Witch? – well that was new, but before I could think of a comeback his lips were on mine. Shit! What the …. – Jake! –I pushed him away with all the strengths that surprise gave me – what the hell? What got into you?

-I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to feel you for real. 

-Did you? – I raised my eyebrows still a bit mad but the eyes gave me away.

- Not in the slightest.

- Need another try? – I mocked feeling him coming close once again.

And THAT was the real firework. He captured my lips in his, chasing them every time I was foolishly trying to pull away. His hands on my waist just gripped me tighter towards him. There was something desperate in his embrace. Like he was looking for escape, trying to lost himself in me. I don’t know what he was trying to convey to me but wasn’t sure if this was about me or him or… us. It felt both right and wrong almost like there was a third person with us.

-Jake – I finally managed to pull back, but he was still holding me – am I a distraction to you?

-What?  - he frowned – Why?

-I’m just asking. And I want an honest answer, I can tell when you’re lying.

-You are not a distraction, Mackie.

-Glad we got it sorted- I freed myself of his embrace and continued the walk home as if nothing happened.  

3 years ago, October 23rd

Long distant relationships never work, and I mean NEVER. I’ve learned it the hard way.

-You should come visit me in New York on Christmas. It’s so magical here, Jake, it will cheer you up – I tried to convince him while we were talking through Skype.

- I don’t think that would be possible, Mackie.

- And why exactly not?

- Simone is going through some stuff. I need to be here for her.

-Ok, I get that. Doesn’t she want to come over too? I’ve got more than enough place for both my …. – I wasn’t exactly sure if I can call him boyfriend even after all this time. – friends.

-Yeah, she want to stay home, so I’ll take the rain check.

- Fine, have it your way. I just wished I could see you in person and …. You know – I blushed remembering the last time we saw each other which was quite heated.

- About that, I need some space, Mackie so how about we slow it down a bit?

-Slow down? Jake, we barely see each other, I’m busy with studies you are doing some secretive shit you won’t tell me about and you’re talking about slowing down? I mean, it’s alright with me – I may or may have not lied – but seriously, is everything ok on your side?

- I’m good – he muttered – and I gotta go – he hung up on me and for a moment I saw my reflection on the computer screen. What the hell just happened?

2 years ago, January 31st

To cut the story short, let me say that since that Skype talk on which we …. Broke up, I guess. If we were ever to be called a real couple… Never mind, since that Skype talk all my contact with Jake was more and more rough. He was distant, I was cold, never again asking, we were both suspicious and tough. Yeah, it just didn’t work between us anymore. And as a consequence neither did my contact with Simone, ever though she was still calling from time to time, but less and less frequently. As a distraction I focused on my school and studies and living my best life. Or best –ish. Life in New York was even faster and more stressful with time than at the beggining. The fast pace, the people everywhere and constant noise was something I was not used to. I much preferred the deserted landscape of the Cape, but I had to just adjust like my father jokingly put it.

I had to keep up with my classmates at new school which resulted in me taking a lot of extra classes and activities (my parents were very career and education oriented), than a job and before I realized I started college. NYU obviously. And being the daughter of one of the most strict teacher was not a piece of cake. Hence, I never really made any close friends. It was really, really hard time for me, cut from Jake and Simone (of course, after some time we stopped contacting each other, who would have guessed, right?), unable to make connection with “ethnic” New Yorkers and being pretty much alone. The only thing that helped me survive was writing. About everything that came into my mind. After classes, when my peers were just hanging out, probably going to the clubs or getting drunk I would just sit in the Central Park spitting my imagination out on paper. My parents did not notice my loneliness of course – they were too busy – but thanks to my mother connections I was able to publish one of my stories. And then the other. And the other. Of course, it was just a hobby since I studied economy. My mother’s brother, uncle Howard (even if I never called him uncle since he hated that) who was a manager at one of the New York finest restaurant believed it would be a great experience and opportunity for me to train there and honestly, I was more than happy to accept. Now, everyone was just waiting for me to finish my studies.

2 years ago, May 25th

After finally graduating (with honors, obviously), much to my parents’ displeasure and Howard’s quiet approval I decided to do some additional training in the area I was about to work in. So I took some culinary training and courses to help me with my knowledge in kitchen. This gave me an opportunity to extend my knowledge and come to Howard’s restaurant prepared. I’m not going to sugar coat working, learning and having to keep my rent and living costs in check was really, really hard and yet extremely satisfying. Besides, I knew what was ahead of me and that kept me afloat.

I also get some information about Jake and Simone. Yeah, I was still doing that. Apparently they moved to New York (I wondered how we haven’t bumped into each other, yet) and get a job and life here. Simone got married (which is unbelievable), spend some time in France learning about wine (which seemed more like her). Now they were working together in a restaurant. Like I mention I found it unexpected that we didn’t meet each other somewhere on the street

Today, October 11th

I was ready. I couldn’t  believe it. At the age of 27, which felt old enough I was standing in front of Howard’s restaurant ready to come in and enjoy the rest of my life. Enjoy what I worked for so hard. Even if that meant working even harder. I was ready. For the last two years I was visiting him occasionally just to get a grip of the place, observe people and the stuff, get an idea of how it all worked into the bigger picture. And I had to admit it, it was smooth. However, I was always undercover, some sort of a secret guest. Always taking a table close to the exit, never really engaging in the life of the restaurant. Me and Howard both agreed that it would be best for everyone, us included, since none of us wanted me to be treated any differently in future work. So I was more of a shadow. No one was supposed to know that I was related to Howard. For the first time in my life I wanted to be a part of something bigger. I also did not engage much with the servers. When I came, usually back door, Howard was the one to personally take care of all my meals. Looking back at that I have no idea how the hell we made it work, but somehow it happened.

And now, I was here. Not a student, not a secret guest, just me. Just Mackie, prepared to do what was expected of her. I was both excited and nervous but anyone watching me from the outside would never guess that. I perfectly knew how to cover up for my emotions and be cool and steady. After all, I was practicing that since I was a kid. Without any more thinking I entered the restaurant. Since it was early, it was practically empty, save two people sitting by the window. One of the bartenders that I remembered from my last time here was preparing the bar and the glasses for the night, two of the servers were folding napkins and cleaning the cutlery. The kitchen doors, behind the counter was opening and closing dynamically as from time to time someone else were carrying new utensils like saltshakers. I looked around and noticed Howard and some girl sitting at one of the tables. Being who I am I decided to just wait till they end to conversation so I sat on one of the bar stools minding my own business.

-Can I help you young lady? Isn’t is a bit early for you to look for a drink? And are you even allowed to legally drink? – the barman turned towards me

- well, the answer’s no for the first question and yes for the latter. I could use some water though.

-Sure thing. What brings you here at such an early hour?

-You are a talkative one, sir, aren’t you?

-It comes with the job. Bartenders are the one to listen to a sob stories a lot.

-Like a therapists?

- Wouldn’t go that far, but something like that. The name’s Nicky by the way – he handed me a glass.

-I’m Mackie – I shook his hand.

- So what’s your business here? – he asked again

-You are not going to let go, are you? – I smiled –  guess it is a business indeed. I ….

-Mackie – I did not even notice when Howard finished his talk and approached me – you’re early.

-I am, boss, it’s just my cautiousness talking.

-Wise – he nodded – Nicky, I see you have met our newest server.

-Server, huh? – Nicky fixed his glasses and eyed me – I see the business now. Welcome aboard, then. You are up for a bumpy ride, kiddo.

-I’m counting on it. I hate taking the easy way.

-That is pretty unusual. Ambitious much? – Nicky asked

-Extremely.

-Mackie, come with me, we need to discuss the details of your shifts. – Howard motioned me towards the table. – Nicky, a glass of champagne.

-Sure. Anything else for you, Mack?

-I’ll stick to water thanks.

I grabbed my glass and changed places, sitting a bit more away from the bar where anyone could hear us.

-Hello, Howard. It’s nice to finally be here on official matter without sneaking out.

- It makes a lot of things easier for us. However, since you are here I need to remind you of the rules.

-Ok. –I took a sip. I remembered them vividly, but decided to let Howard keep his dominance since he was practically running this place.

-First, no one should come to know we are family.  Second, no easy treatment, you train and serve just like everyone else and get a supervisor to watch your moves. Finally, even though I’m convinced you know that – you watch yourself. The stuff can be pretty intense and I don’t want you to get into any trouble. Is that understood?

-Yes.

- Perfect. Now, you are not the only new face here. We got some other girl, who’s already changing. She’s interesting, unusual. You will work together. – he turned around upon hearing some talking coming from behind – Will! Can you come here for a second? – he waved upon the black haired man dressed in a shirt and apron. He looked like a professional with his straight posture and light smile. I could bet he was the charming one with the guest.  – Will, this is Mackie. She is your new mentee. And Mackie, like I said Will is going to be your mentor. Giving your characters you can learn a lot from each other.

- Hi – I looked at the guy.

-Well hello, new girl. It is quite an accomplishment that you were admitted. You must be special.

-Flattery – I smirked, and he smiled back.

-She doesn’t want to be treated lightly Will, so bear that in mind – Howard chimed in.

-When are we ever? – the man shrugged.

-Fine than – my uncle stood up and fixed his jacket – I’ll leave you to it. Go fetch that other new girl….

-Tess – Will completed.

-Yes, Tess. Mackie, go change, get Tess and off to work you go.

***

-Hi there! – a dark haired girl, probably a couple years younger than me smiled at me as soon as I entered the staff changing room. Apparently my shirt and apron were already prepared and waiting for me – I’m Tess. I’m the new girl.

- One of two, it seems. I’m Mackie. I’m new too.

-Are you nervous? I am, a bit.

-A little, maybe. But also ready for what’s coming. – I reached inside the locker and grabbed a blue striped shirt and snow-white frock.

-You are so calm…. I wish I had that in me… I miraculously got this job and I need it to make a living and keep myself here.

- Are you here alone? I can tell you are not from New York.

- How do you know.

- You are different than a native new Yorker. In a good sense – I assured her when her face dropped – you seem more … open. Natural. Straight-forward. Not everyone would casually strike a conversation with the stranger.

-You are not a stranger. We are coworkers now, so I guess I want to be …. Friendly?

- It suits you – I smiled lightly – both the attitude and the outfit. Shall we go, now? Will is probably waiting for us downstairs.

-Yeah, yeah, let’s go. – she almost jumped to the door.

First meeting with Tess left me under impression that she was like a squirrel. Excited, energetic, optimistic. She wanted to prove herself. She was quick on her feet even though she did not exactly knew where it was leading her. Will was giving us a tour, showing the kitchen, introducing to the stuff, pointing towards the wine cellar and supply closet and Tess was just asking hundreds and hundreds of questions. Who? What? Why? Where? At some point she spotted one of the man silently sobbing in the corner and while I was rather focused on giving him his privacy she went straight at him.

-Are you ok? – Tess asked

-Of course I am. Why would I not be? – he immediately turned a bit aggressive and added some words in foreign language

- Hey, calm down, Russian boy – I stopped him as I understood some of it –from what I saw you don’t get much space for mental breakdown here so how about covering in the cellar, hmm? No one is there now.

- Mental breakdown – he scoffed – I’m perfectly fine as I am. And I am NOT hiding anywhere.

- Of course – I smirked – you are all good to go, right?

- Obviously – he scoffed again – silly question if I’m ok – he eyed Tess, who seemed hurt and confused and run towards his other duties.

- Why…?

- Not to smart off, but sometimes people just want to let whatever is in them out without causing a sensation. My guts are telling me that one needed it since he is probably the life of the party on every other day.

- How do you….? – she asked again but was hushed by Will, who came out of nowhere.

-Come on, girls, quit the chitchat, we have a meal to attend before the big night and if you skip it you will be on your feet all night with an empty stomach. Believe me, rumbling in a stomach is no good for reputation.  – Come on! – he urged us towards the room where all the stuff was already feasting. Tess stopped amazed with the atmosphere of the place. Everyone was talking, laughing and feeling at ease. Me? Not so much. I just observed the faces. I was much better on one-to-one contact than dealing with a whole group. And it was not my intention to interrupt any of them and become the center of attention. Not in a million years. Tess reached for the plate but before she could get some food Will shoved her towards the smaller table full of the salt-shakers.

- You sit there. You are on your cutlery duty. You too, Mackie – he whispered and I was quick to follow. A second later, Howard came through the door holding a bottle of wine.

- Hello everyone – he spoke and everyone went silent.

-Hello, Howard.

-Big night tonight. And therefore I decided to let you have some treat as an incentive – he put the bottle down and one of the girls was eager to uncork it – try it – he briefly looked at me almost like he was trying to give me an incentive – who will tell me what sort of wine is this. I was quick enough to grab a glass before anyone else. I studied wine during my courses so this was a chance to show a bit of what I learned. Even if I risked being called show-off.

- I can taste mint. And green bell pepper. – I mumbled

- Would you mind speaking up, Mystery? – the same man we saw sobbing earlier exclaimed.  

- Mystery? – I raised my eyebrows.

- Fits you well enough. Now, speak up!

- I think it’s Cabernet Sauvignon.

- It is indeed. Anything else you’d like to add? Or maybe someone else would elaborate? – Howard looked around

- Judging by the taste and hence the variation of the fruit it’s the French one. A bit sour, though, so probably year 2015 when the summer was particularly cold and the crops were slightly affected - some familiar voice spoke and I froze in place as I saw a certain blond-haired woman looking over at me above the shoulder of her coworker. Pretty sure, everyone saw me standing there like a deer in the headlights.

- Thank you, Simone – Howard smiled and forced me to sit down since I could not move by myself. A gentle push was just what I needed to get back to reality. – I did not open a 200 dollars bottle of champagne just to entertain you. You give it your best tonight. Good luck – and with those words he just left.

- Thank you, Howard! – he was chased by the stuff’s voices. 

- What just happened?  - Tess asked but before I could explain anything to her everyone stood up, making a lot of noise and started throwing dished into the bowl. We went from a peaceful atmosphere towards the crazy within a couple of seconds.

- Get it together, Mystery and new girl. You wash the dishes. Hurry. – Will appeared out of nowhere shoving us off.

- This nickname is gonna stick, right? – I asked gathering the dishes.

-Well, Sasha called it, so most probably – he shrugged.

- Great. – I blew a raspberry and followed him back to the kitchen.

***

It seemed like everything was on fire. Literally – the ingredients being prepared, everyone running around and shouting at each other preparing for the service…. Crazy, but I knew that from my past experience in the restaurant business so it was easier for me to deal with it. I just wished for a spare minute to talk to Simone, but she was out sight. Not sure if so busy or just avoiding me. But why would she avoid me? I kept those thought at bay and focused on the tasks. Tess however, acted like a typical overwhelmed newbie. Her eyes wide open, her hands trembling, hair and apron a mess.

-Tess – I looked at her to steady her – breathe, ok? Breathe. – she obediently took a breath.

- Everyone was new once – the one person I was looking for this whole time added as she grabbed Tess my her arms and fixed her hair and straps – you’ll get used to it, little one.   – Hello, Mackie.

- Hello, Simone.

- Wonderful surprise to see you here – she smiled sincerely, just like I remembered.

- Same.

- We have to catch up after service. A glass of wine at my place, perhaps? You seem to know a lot about the beverage.

- Again: same. I underwent some culinary training before applying here so hence the knowledge. But I heard you learned it first- hand. France?

- Indeed – she laughed – but we will talk later, ok? A lot of work to do.

-It is. You are in your element thought, aren’t you. Loving the action.

- Well, you haven’t changed a bit. And already get a nickname. Mystery really does suits you.

-Wait, you know each other? – Tess asked

- Yes, from a childhood. We spend quite some time together as kids. Before Mackie and her parents moved – Simone looked over my shoulder at someone who was just entering the kitchen – at what time does your shift start, darling?

- Those are suggested work hours and fuck off, Simone. – when I heard that voice I turned around on my heels and smiled lightly when he spotted me too. 

-  Hello, Jake.

@pinksirensong @meganmayhem89 @anastacia-lynn @wardlow

tag list is open!

next: sneak peak of chapter 2

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

Okay so I am lost about something. Erwin belittles Claude as a poor ruler for his stunt with the Great Bridge regarding Ferdinand's forces. And Claude - and others - will berate the decision to continue onto Imperial territory to push back against the Empire, because of Almyra attacking while they were doing so not being accounted for.

But. Like. If Claude hadn't done those two things, then the Empire... would have attacked them while they were fighting back against Almyra. At least, that's implied going by what Erwin says: "I imagine [the Empire has] reconsidered their plans following the last battle. It was foolish of them to start a war on two fronts in the first place, it would be even greater folly yet to continue after witnessing the might of the Alliance." With Judith responding: "Hold on. Are you saying the reason you volunteered to defend the Great Bridge is because you figured it wouldn't be attacked?"

But the Empire never would have known about the Alliance's might if Claude had just fortified the Bridge and gone on the defensive like Erwin and others wanted him to. And without the fight against Bergliez - where the Alliance had given him both moral and pragmatic reasons not to follow them into the Alliance - he would have likely just... invaded the Alliance? Since there'd be literally nothing stopping him now?

And that battle with Bergliez: damn near flawless, even with Jeralt and Byleth muckin' things up a bit. The plan with the Bridge: exactly as planned. Capturing Ferdinand: not a complete success, but the Empire's still without an important commander nonetheless and lost a sizable amount of troops. The invasion with Shahid: unexpected at the moment, but Claude always had Nader in his corner and expected Shahid to attack at some point, and that battle also went down without much issue (uhh I mean besides the whole forced fratricide and the emotional turmoil that is that lmao but you get what I mean).

But Claude's still doubtful, nobody really trusts Claude still, people are wondering why the Empire didn't attack them while they were retreating (maybe it's because y'all beat their asses?? Or that y'all ran through their breadbasket and so made fighting impossible without ensuring further starvation in Adrestia??) and it's like holy fuckin' shit somebody needs to grow some goddamn confidence already. Seeing all of this success the Alliance is getting - even when unexpected shit flies their way, they adapt just fine around it - being contrasted with pretty much everyone still twiddlin' their thumbs and being so unsure of themselves is just... weird?

Like, cockiness will get them killed sure, but they're acting like nothing ever goes their way when just about everything goes about as well as they can go given the circumstances. It makes the idea that Claude siding with the Empire on GW was a decision ~made in distress and desperation~ that I've seen some try to explain his decisions as seem... completely unwarranted, because he was doing about as well as he could've done fighting them. Am I just missing something? Would love to know lmao cuz the dots just aren't connecting for me 😂

I'm gonna let you in on a secret: I've stopped trying to connect the dots. This game doesn't know what it's doing with itself. The Alliance was doing . . . pretty good for a country who's kinda known for their crap military. It's like. The plots that make sense for him to concoct? The ones you mentioned (Gloucester and Myrddin, Bergliez, Nader)? People were upset that they weren't in the know, but . . . they went off without a hitch. It's literally when Claude does an about-face and allies with the Empire out of fucking nowhere that his plans get more messy for his character, then outright messy in-fucking-general. It's like . . . you're right! Things were going well for them! Like, if I'm not mistaken, exactly what was happening in the background of Azure Gleam. But then they change it for no reason. Which I cannot comprehend. Because. Because things were going pretty well

[kissagii]

𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕞𝕪 𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕚𝕟 - 𝕒𝕣𝕞𝕚𝕟 𝕩 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣

this draft got deleted by an internet outage so i had to rewrite it :P

reader is gender neutral so anyone can enjoy <3

warnings: a little bit of cursing, very mild angst for a moment in the middle. reader is a musician, the instrument is not mentioned.

As a musician, you always incorporated your own emotions into what you played. It was instinct at this point. As you played through, the picture would paint itself faintly in your mind, and from there all you had to do was bring it further forward.

With nothing better to do, you picked out some old sheet music and began to play. It was a melodic piece, simple and reminiscent of spring. It had always made you visualize flowers, fields of them spreading as far as the eye could see.  As you began playing, muscle memory took charge, and you hardly payed attention to the sheet in front of you. It was a guide, nothing more. Your body remembered the motions, the feelings, the heavenly sensation of creating music.

Flowers did not cross your mind, not a single blossom or petal. The only visual was a smile, a bright one, on a face with bright blue eyes and messy blonde hair. Sweet and hopeful, just like the piece. A light in the darkness, curious, a dreamer. Perhaps matching the very essence of what you loved to play. Your mind wandered from the music, remembering his kind words, how calming his voice had been on those restless nights, how excitedly he'd told you about the discoveries he had made. And more than anything, you thought about how beautiful he was, practically shining in the gentle sunlight of the morning. How his lips always seemed so soft and-

Shit. Clearly, muscle memory and distracted thoughts were not enough to carry you through the difficult section. You stopped entirely, silently cursing yourself for getting so distracted. Practice was not the time for pining, it never was and never would be.

With a determined huff, you started again. Flowers, flowers, flowers. You repeated to yourself again and again, and surely enough, flowers you saw. Only a few, your favorite kinds, bundled together with simple greenery. They were being offered to you, by the same young man you had imagined earlier, a soft pink in his cheeks. Oh how you would love for this imaginary scene to be real. For him to see you in a different light, to hold you dear...

Again. Another wrong note. It wasn't even a difficult section, and your mistake was due to nothing but your own careless mind. You grumbled to yourself, in disbelief of how you could be so... smitten. Determined again, you steeled your nerves and cleared your mind of him.

You barely got a page into your next play through. It was as if he was haunting you, inexplicably connected to the song and clinging to it for dear life.

"Get out of my brain," You muttered to yourself, prepared to try one last time before giving up entirely. The music stared back at you tauntingly. You repeated your words again, louder this time. "Get. Out. Of. My. Brain!"

"[Name]? Are you okay?" A blonde head peeked through your door, concern in his sapphire eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just barged in, I just heard you playing and wanted to listen in but you sounded a little off then started talking to yourself so... is everything okay? Something on your mind?"

"Oh no, it's fine, this piece is just a little hard," You replied with a feigned smile. No way in hell am I telling him what happened... he'll think I'm insane.

"Mmm... you're lying," He said with a knowing smile, entering the door fully and taking a seat near you. "What's actually going on."

"I've just been a little distracted, that's it. No need to worry," You knew how worried he got at times, so you did your best to reassure him. After all, it wasn't exactly a problem that he was on your mind constantly, just an inconvenience. A really pesky inconvenience.

"Oh, alright! So that's why you were mumbling about getting out of your brain... do you want to talk about it? Maybe it'll help with the distractions? Unless it's something private or awkward because you probably don't want to talk about that, especially with me, but if you do then I'm all ears," Armin smiled at you sweetly, rambling as he had a tendency to do. It was endearing, the way he would talk and talk and then stop himself shyly.

"Well... uh..." You began, unsure of whether or not to be honest. Agh, forget it, it's now or never [Name]. "The thing that's been on my mind is... you." The words slipped out naturally, and as soon as you realized what you had said, you felt the flush creeping into your cheeks.

"Really?" He asked, a flash of excitement in his face, which was quickly replaced by a bit of fear. "Did I do something wrong? It was something I said yesterday during dinner, wasn't it?"

You were about to stop him, to tell him that he did nothing wrong, that you had adored every word from his mouth as he defended you from a carelessly rude comment by a fellow scout. But he kept talking, a genuine concern in his tone.

"I know you and Jean always got along it's just... I don't know... Something about it sat wrong with me. He shouldn't have said those things, even if he didn't mean it. I'm sorry for jumping in like that, it really wasn't my place. Please forgive me."

"Armin, don't worry about it," You reached out to take his hand gently in yours. It was warm and trembling slightly. "Thank you for saying what you said, I would've let him get away with it. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't think you have. The thing is... I've been thinking about you a lot because I think I'm in love with you."

"Really?" He asked with a soft disbelief, squeezing your hand slightly. "You feel this way too?"

"Yes. I think I'm in love with you Armin. And every time I try to play, all I can picture is you. All I can ever picture is you," Your [color] eyes held his, watching as his cheeks pinked and he looked away bashfully.

"[Name], I think.. I think I'm in love with you too. Could you play the piece for me? The one you were playing that reminded you of me?" Again he looked at you, offering an enamored smile that filled your heart with joy.

You obliged him, and stared once more at the sheet music that had been giving you so much trouble. But this time was different, that much you could tell.

The smiling face in your peripheral vision guided you smoothly through the piece.

[acourtofthought]

Maybe the reason why Lucien is not able to understand Elain right now is because she's not herself?

What I mean is that before she got turned she was a complete different person, but even then she pretended to be someone she was not. Rhys even said so that she basically just made herself become someone people espected her to be. I feel like she's too scared to bring out the Elain that she actually is?

I'm sure that Lucien does know who she is. He was the one who knew what she needed when she was depressed (even tho no one listened to him) and he had gotten the chance to look deep down to Elain's end. The mating bond is a connection between souls, right? It basically means he got to see her soul before she stopped him and stood up. He blushed when Feyre asked him if he saw something and later declared that she's worth fighting for.

Right now she's someone Feyre and the IC likes. She's also someone who would be "perfect" for Azriel. They like her and say "Elain is Elain" because she's not messy, not "bothering" them and follows them unlike Nesta who fought knowing that they're hating it.

I feel like once Elain is away from the Night court and spents her time with the BoE, they're going to try and bring out the Elain Archeron that she actually is by annoying the hell out of her and not buying her sweet act. Once they succeed, then Lucien and Elain will be able to fully communicate freely.

I think that was also a big part of it in that moment, when Feyre first slipped into Luciens mind during he and Elain's first conversation.

We know his initial thoughts are that Elain was nothing like Jesminda. And in that moment I think it proves he's not in the right frame of mind to really be receptive to her and she, him.

Of course Elain wouldn't be like Jesminda after she had her body violated and lost her future. Jesminda wouldn't even be Jesminda at that moment. We know how much different Elain was when she was content in the Human Lands though. Happy and brilliant, staying up late with friends and laughing, wanting to travel, having people go out of their way to do nice things for her because she was so kind to them. That sounds a lot like Jesminda. But Lucien isn't seeing that version of her right now. We haven't even seen that version of Elain since the Human Lands, she's still (as of SF) a watered down version of herself in the NC.

I don't think Elain was completely closed off from Lucien during their conversation because she was more real with him than she had been with anyone else in the series so far (she actually expressed some anger towards Lucien which was a healthy thing, to see honest emotion between the two of them) but I think she was a shell of who she typically is because of her trauma. He's not going to get a full grasp on a female he just met when so many things are preventing him from seeing things clearly, on his end and hers.

But even with all those mental blocks, he still sensed what she needed when he suggested that she needed to get fresh air and out of the house.

Then, we later have this scene:

Lucien just stared and stared at my sister, as if he’d never seen her before.

I think this is when Lucien really starts to see through her. Not only did he have that moment of tugging on the bond but I think something clicked for him in the above scene and he finally saw Elain and what she needed which was time to deal with everything. So he left. And whenever he visits now, I think she shies away from him because he sees through the act that she's fine with everything. I think now Lucien can see who Elain is deep down and that scares her because it means admitting that maybe she's not as content as she has people believe but having to face that means she feels she would be letting the others down (like you mentioned from the Feysand POV).

[tearsofperseides]

Another stranger things writing criticism post,

So much stuff in Stranger Things is so lazily executed.

I'll start with Nancy, she's supposed to be a "feminist"/"women can be strong" character of the show and they didn't fail completely with that one, but still failed. I'm glad they kept her in touch with her femininity, usually when there's supposed to be a "baddass female lead" they make her more masculine, so I'll give them that, but she's written in a very "women can be badasses too!" way, which isn't a problem, however the problem comes in when you give her a gun and constantly point out that "she's a girl who has a gun wow look feminism!". I love badass women, I genuinely do and I love Nancy, she's great, but the, let's call it, feminist writing of her character is written very lazily. Female characters shouldn't be written as female characters, but as simply characters. Another argument I have against Nancy's character writing is there was absolutely no need to give her a love triangle (even though it's not a triangle, but I digress) romance plot, what was the point? I get putting romance plots in media and I love a lot of them, but this was executed poorly and was just not needed. I'm genuinely trying to see in what way it was needed other than adding a little bit of teenage drama, which, in this show is absolutely not needed. Adding onto that, the love triangle trope was once again taken very lazily, that trope is great to explore the characters' depth, but again ST that wasn't... done? When have we seen Nancy or Steve or Jonathan struggle with this love triangle? Never, again, it was added for the teen drama aspect of the show.

Second thing is that they literally forget about half the characters they have, the show, as we all know, has an ensemble cast, but since the ensemble consists of 12 main characters (give or take) PLUS some recurring characters, the show got messy and uneven with character development really quickly. Like for example, the California plot line in s4, as much as I like it, it's obviously VERY MUCH neglected by the writers in favour of the Hawkins plot line. They also very much do something for the sake of pure shock factor, like Hopper's death, just to have him brought back in s4... never mind the logistics or lack there of of him surviving the portal closing or how genuinely unnecessary the Russia plot line was in s4. Eddie's death frustrates me and falls under the same "for the shock value" umbrella, but this is getting long and I still have some other stuff I want to focus on.

And now we get onto Billy, yes, back here again. Hi. Going back to his death once again, since I didn't express myself well enough for my liking. His death would've been fine, IF they didn't pace it the way they did. My main problem with his death is once again, is the way it's edited and El's speech intersects with the flashbacks we've already seen when El connected to them in one of the previous episodes. If they would've just cut out those flashbacks and let her describe the scene is "tell don't show" in a well executed manner. We already saw those scenes and hearing El describe the scene while seeing Billy's emotional response from her words is both telling instead of showing (Because El's literally describing the scene to him) and showing instead of telling (because of Billy's emotional response). It feels much more personal for both of the characters because, once again, you get to see their emotional responses, rather than just be bombarded with scenes of Billy's mother and being made to remember he was a happy kid once. Viewers aren't dumb, they will remember Billy's past and still feel sympathy for him. The scene of his death is just the laziest way to do so.

I still have some some things to say about the writing and everything, however this is getting long so I will leave it at what it is now. If you want me to elaborate on anything or hear any of the OTHER stuff I have problems with please send me an ask, anon or not, it's ok either way!

[sugako]

after dinner special

bokuto x f!reader x hinata sum: after seeing the way his teammate looks at you, bokuto comes up with a plan to help all parties cw: 18+ only minors dni i am begging you, established relationship (bokuto x reader), slight manipulation (?? reader/bo make a secret plan to seduce hinata and he wants to so not really but idk what else to tag it as), oral (f!receiving), double pussyjob, nipple play, orgasm denial, D/s, spit roast, unprotected, hinabo if you squint extra hard wc: 4.2k a/n: finally back from the dead with this wayyy overdue fic ive been thinking about/writing for months, no edits or beta bc i'm too impatient and haven't posted in so long

Above all else, Bokuto was incredibly perceptive to other’s emotions. Among other aspects, that quality had really drawn you to him even if it wasn’t as extraordinarily overt as his confidence and enthusiasm. His perceptiveness didn’t end with you, of course, he was well-connected with his teammates, which meant when he saw the way Hinata’s eyes just barely glazed over when he met you he knew there was something more happening in his head. He watched the burning grow in Hinata after he had witnessed the two of you had, quite obviously, snuck off to another room during a get-together at Meian’s, spit still drying at the corner of your dry, puffy lips a week prior.

Even he wasn’t sure what exactly his plan was as he started up in the locker room a couple weeks later, oversharing every little detail he could recall about your body, namely when it was under him. Ignoring Atsumu and Kiyoomi’s groans for him to stop while Shugo and Oliver snickered to themselves reminiscing about their own escapades from a handful of years ago, he focused on Hinata’s reaction.

Shōyō remained uncharacteristically quiet as he rambled on about how cute your soft tits were, only speaking to quietly excuse himself to the bathroom. He was careful, but not careful enough to hide the tent in his shorts.

Not one to keep a secret, the words came tumbling from his mouth when he burst into your shared apartment.

“I think Hinata likes you!” He managed, tearing off his shoes to stumble into the hallway to wrap you in a tight hug like he did nearly every day.

“I-...what?” You choke, wrapping a tentative arm back around him and peeling away to look at him in the eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Not like… I don’t know, I think he wants to fuck you.” The smile on his face doesn’t waver, only confusing you.

“I’m not sure how to take this.” You deadpan, brows just short of knitting together. “Why…?”

“Well if you would like that I certainly wouldn’t mind.” His teeth graze over your skin as he pecks messy kisses all over your cheeks and neck.

“You wouldn’t mind?” You blankly repeat back, holding his back by his muscled shoulders to make him look you in the eyes. “Because not minding something and wanting something are very different and I just want to make sure whatever we’re about to talk about we’re just being really clear.”

Bokuto inhaled a massive breath, squeezing his eyes shut tight as he collected exactly what he wanted to say to you. Before he could, the smell coming from the kitchen distracted his senses, leaving him to weakly exhale and blink his eyes open. “Talk over dinner?”

The long talk over the dinner table was eventually fruitful. After he collected himself and stuffed his rumbling stomach, Bokuto was better able to explain what he had seen in Hinata. It made you recall every time you had seen him and you would be lying if you said you didn’t see it too. He wasn’t exactly a subtle person.

When it came down to it, you certainly weren’t opposed. Bokuto certainly seemed interested in the prospect of sharing you, especially with his favorite prodigy as he liked to class him. You recognized that Hinata was attractive and you had to admit that the concept of being squished between the two thick, bubbly men was alluring as long as he was truly interested.

Before the full invitation to come over for dinner - specially prepared by you - had even slipped from Bokuto’s mouth, Hinata was eagerly accepting. Part of you dreaded the entire ordeal, anxieties bubbling up about the lead up and the talking beforehand that you had foolishly agreed to do most of. Over dinner you stayed a little quieter than usual, trying to gauge Hinata’s expression and body language.

When he politely excuses himself to use the restroom after finishing, Bokuto grabs your hand across the table, rubbing a thumb over your knuckles.

“If you’re nervous we can stop right here.” He whispers, grinning softly.

You can’t help but smile back, shaking your head. “No, I’m okay,” you assure him, “I am a little nervous, but I really want to.”

He opens his mouth to say something else, but is cut off by the sound of the bathroom door closing and the soft pad of Hinata’s feet down the hallway. Clearing your throat, you give a reassuring smile to Bokuto, and stand to face where Hinata soon pops out of.

“Hinata, would you-”

“Shōyō is fine!” He interjects. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“That’s fine,” you smile, ghosting your hand down his arm and resting your palm against his elbow. “Shōyō, would you mind helping me wash up in the kitchen. I feel bad asking the guest, but Kōtarō has something for you and you’ll get to it faster if I finish this.”

Hinata can feel his heart pounding behind his rib cage so hard he worries you can hear his pulse reverberating. You look so sweet with those pleading eyes staring at him, the warm touch of your fingertips sending heat to his chest.

“Of course, I don’t mind.” He nods, letting you lead him a room away to the kitchen.

“Great, thank you, this is such a big help.” You grin while placing the dirty dishes in the sink before you and handing him a dry towel. “You can just dry and put them in the cabinet in front of you.”

“Okay,” he says quietly, eyeing down your low-cut shirt as you squeeze your arms together and lean down to grab the first bowl. His eyes roll to the back of his head when you turn the tap on a little too fast and water splashes all over the front of your thin, pale dress, making the black lacy bra underneath pop.

“Whoops!” You exclaim, smiling a little too happily, feeling how his feet shift beside you. “This tap is a little loose, I always get messy and wet trying to do anything.”

He has to bite down hard on the inside of his cheek to keep from groaning, glad that your gaze is in the sink and not on his flushed face. He doesn’t want to feel this way about his friend’s girlfriend, but it’s so hard when you’re standing so close - did you take a step toward him? when did your hip start brushing against his? - and you look so pretty.

“So, Shōyō…” you start, handing him another dish, “Kōtarō talks about you a lot, you know.”

“Really?” His voice is pitched and strained, stopping short of choking on his own words.

“Yeah, he thinks you’re great. He was so excited when you joined the team. He, uh, he pays attention, a lot more than some people give him credit for.”

Hinata nods, carefully placing the bowl in the cupboard. “He’s great, I’ve always loved watching him play.”

“He’s fun to watch,” you agree, “You know he thinks….actually, can I just ask what your type is?” The words tumble out quickly as you try to gain confidence, a small bit of worry creeping into the back of your head.

“My type?” He repeats back, pausing in his drying motions. “I don’t know if I really have one. Just anyone I feel good with. Why?” When he turns to look at you again you’re turned to face him, a small smile lighting up your features.

“That’s a good way to look at things. I only ask because, well Kōtarō seems to think you have some kind of interest in me.” You force the words to come out casually, keeping your eyes on him. Hinata sputters and chokes on his own words, the way your hand comes down over his doing absolutely nothing to help him compose himself. “There’s no good way to say this, but he was thinking you could, uh well take what you’ve been thinking about, if you want to.”

Taking a deep swallow, he took a short deep breath to clear his mind. “And what do you think?”

Tension dissipates from your body at his question. “I think I would like you to do whatever you want. Touch me, kiss me, anything. Only if you want to.”

His fists clench and unclench again, gears turning in his head as he realizes this was planned. All those stories Bokuto told, the glint in his eyes for the past few weeks, the way you put yourself on display for him all night with that sly little smirk - it was all part of some plan. A little worried voice in the back of his head told him this was too good to be true. But you were offering yourself up to him, angled forward so your tits would pop and watching him so carefully as though he were a scared animal ready to run, and he knew it had to be true.

The timid, apprehensive look he had been sporting slowly drained from his face, replaced with a much more confident and delighted one. His hands moved from his sides to dig into your waist, lifting you up onto the counter behind you.

“Don’t tease me.” He whispers hoarsely, lips ghosting over the pulse of your throat. The loose dress Bokuto had purposefully picked out for you to wear for the evening rode up as Hinata settled his thick body between your welcoming knees.

“I’m not,” you pant, “Kōtarō really wanted this.”

A shuddered sigh comes from his chest as he rests his head against your shoulder, just barely kissing the soft spot between your neck and shoulder. You fidget restlessly, trying to pull his still body closer to no avail.

“Wanna know he wants this.” He says eventually. “I trust you, I just…”

“No, no, I get it.” You say a little too abruptly, fishing around for where your phone was tossed onto the counter. With shaky hands you hurried to click it open, immediately going to your messages, scrolling to the most recent chat with Bokuto where he depicted how much he wanted to see you fucked out on his and Hinata’s cocks in vivid detail. You push the phone into his hand. “You can scroll wherever, he mentioned it before that one’s just… yeah.”

“Oh, wow.” He breathes, glancing through a few other messages from earlier in the week. Gently, he sets the phone down beside you before pulling your hips to the edge of the counter. His lips collide with the base of your throat knocking the air right from you.

You wind your fingers up in his hair as he pressed harsh kisses straight down your front, his rough hands pushing the skirt of your dress up even higher, leaving the tops of your thighs completely exposed. He keeps journeying lower until his cheek is flush to the hem of your panties. When his nose presses up against the slowly growing damp patch leaking his shoulders heave as though to hold himself back.

“And he doesn’t want us to wait up…?”

Truthfully, you didn’t know completely. Bokuto had asked to make some kind of subtle move on Hinata in private, he figured it would be less stressful for the both of you, but he hadn’t said how far to go with him, and you weren’t really sure what he was doing in some other part of the house, and Hinata’s fingers were so hot against your skin…

“No, it’s fine.” You pant, desperation evident in your voice. He doesn’t need much more, hand moving to pull the stretchy fabric you had purposefully worn to the side, his wide tongue darting out to lap up the wetness seeping from you.

With an aching whine, you lean into his touch, massaging his head and bringing him closer to you with every burning second that passes. Not that you had expected him to be inexperienced by any means, but you hadn’t expected him to be so good. He was loud, moaning against your cunt as he buried his tongue inside of you, nose tapping against your pleading clit.

The sound of your breathy whimpers and the loud slurping squelches drowned out the steps coming down the hall or the kitchen door swinging open. Bokuto stood there for a moment with a small smile, admiring how pretty you looked like this, even if he wished it were him, but he couldn’t let the moment pass him by.

“Puppy,” he sighed. The first syllable was enough to make Hinata pop off of you and stumble back to turn around, eyes hazy and drunken of the taste of you. Ignoring the hardened look in Bokuto’s eyes, you pouted sweetly, spreading your legs a little more to let him see your soiled panties.

“Kōtar-”

“You’re being greedy, don’t you think, puppy? Going ahead without me like that.” He imitates you with a fake pout, the look never quite meeting his blazing eyes. You can feel what’s coming and make no more attempt to argue. Hinata is taking in the interaction, still halfway in his own daze. “She’s great, huh, Shōyō? Pretty little pussy and she makes the best noises, especially when she’s crying for your cock.”

Hinata swallows hard, absentmindedly palming over his pants where he’s quickly grown half-hard. “Yeah, she’s, yeah no, uh she’s really great. This is still okay?”

Both of you nod quickly, reassuring him, but you remain silent for now, trying to settle before you know what’s to come.

“Totally okay as long as you’re okay.” Bokuto drops the edge in his tone to carefully watch him for a moment, assessing.

“Completely.” He agrees with a dreamy sigh.

Nodding again, Bokuto approaches the two of you. Refusing to meet his eyes you stare just ahead at the door.

“Oh, don’t look so sad, puppy, you know you’ll get what you want in the end anyway.” He jabs as he scoops you over his shoulder and gives you a gentle pat on the back of your thighs. “Let’s at least go to the living room.”

You glance back at Hinata, mouthing a silent whoops, while Bokuto leads him around the corner. Bokuto plops into the corner of the couch, back propped up by the plush arm, and maneuvering your pliable body to sit comfortably in his lap with your back pulled up flush to his chest. You’re gently pushed forward so he can peel the dress off and unclasp your bra. He’s calm for now, at least on the outside, but you can feel his heart pounding through the thin fabric of his shirt.

“Don’t need these anymore,” he hums, latching his fingers in the sides of your underwear and motioning for you to lift your hips to let him slide them off. Hooking his elbows under your knees, he pulls your thighs to your chest, high enough so that he can palm your breasts. Quietly whining, you turn your head away so you don’t have to look directly up at Hinata - not that he’d notice your face with the way your cunt was glistening under the low, soft lights of the room. “Shh,” he directs at you before glancing back up at Hinata, “go ahead, but don’t let her cum.”

With a warm grin he gets on his knees between Bokuto’s spread legs. You almost felt too exposed, all power taken from your hands, splayed open like this. Bokuto slots his chin against your shoulder and presses the softest kiss to your cheek in stark contrast to the way his rough hands are kneading and pinching your sensitive breasts.

Hinata eagerly gets back to it, lavishing your cunt with softer licks than before, making your hips shake as they seek out more friction. While your neediness grows so too does Bokuto’s grip on you.

“So pretty,” he coos, eyes glued to where Hinata was firmly pressed against you. Pride bloomed in his chest at the sight of his teammate sloppily eating out his favorite girl so enthusiastically, appreciating you so much as he should.

It’s impossible for him to not get rock hard with the way you’re grinding down into his lap and the crude, wet sounds and groans vibrating from the back of Hinata’s throat.

“Taste so good.” Hinata grumbles, pulling back and forcing his tense hips to stop rutting into the couch cushion. He feels himself making a mess in his pants, hoping that he isn’t leaking through to your nice furniture, but he can’t quite bring himself to stop either. Both Bokuto and you watch the string - you’re not sure whether it’s his spit or your own wetness - that stays connected between your slit and his puffy, glossy lips.

“Good...good job.” Bokuto sighs. You’re not sure if he’s praising you or Hinata, but you don’t have much time to think too hard about it before he releases your legs and wedges his hands under between himself and you to pull his straining cock from his pants. Mind buzzing, still a little hazy from the feeling of Hinata’s tongue, you grab out from him, pulling on the band of his pants. Truthfully, he’s not quite sure what you’re asking for but he does know how tight his balls are and how inviting your cunt looks.

Just as Bokuto is settling his cock between your ass, Hinata’s pants are slipped off, thrown to the ground. He dips his head down to take one of your breasts into his mouth, moaning around you and pressing in close so his tip catches against your clit. At your whiny cry and keening, Bokuto lets out a low, single chuckle. “Don’t let her have your cock, not all the way. You were being so greedy earlier puppy, I don’t think you deserve it yet.”

Hinata keeps his mouth firmly planted on your chest and reaches down to perfectly slip himself between the top of your folds, acutely aware of Bokuto’s heavy head just barely bumping against the base of his own cock. They’re both so thick and heavy as they rabidly hump against you, Bokuto maneuvering your body for you back and forth across both of them. Everything is warm and wet between Hinata’s mouth on your chest and Bokuto’s lips kissing down the side of your neck.

The tease of release that’s been creeping up on you for so long draws closer and closer. Hinata’s cock is catching so exactly on your swollen clit and Bokuto’s tip keeps threatening to slip past your entrance, slick dripping past your thighs.

“Gonna, ahg, cu-cum!” You manage out, hips already bouncing on their own accord against them.

“Go ahead.” Bokuto says with a shaky breath, squeezing you as tight as he could between his body and Hinata’s. One more roll of their hips has you crashing down, pleasure rolling through your body. All you can feel is warmth and overwhelming satisfaction as you twitch between their arms, creaming across their cocks. “Good girl, good girl…” you faintly hear Bokuto coo into your ear as you slump back against him.

The buzzing, quiet moment is quickly squashed as he hoists you out of his lap and onto all fours. He’s talking to Hinata and you know you should be listening, but your pussy is still throbbing and you’re trying to catch your breath.

“...okay, baby?” You catch the very end of his sentence and blink hard, desperate to refocus.

“W-wait, what? Sorry, I just-”

“It’s okay, puppy,” he rubs a soothing hand down your back, slowly bringing you back to reality. “Need a second?”

You shake your head, the last of the fog slipping away. Before you, you see Hinata, his rigid cock slicked up by you only a few inches from your face. “I’m okay now, can you just say that again?”

“‘Course,” he grins, teasing your entrance, “I said I’m going to take your pretty pussy from back here and Shōyō is going to use your mouth. If you want.”

Wiggling your hips back to meet his and craning your neck up to look at Hinata you give a deft nod.

“I do, I want that.” You sigh.

Trembling with excitement, already so riled up from feeling you cum against him, Hinata shuffles the last bit forward. He’s pretty and much thicker than you had imagined. The tight strain of scattered veins and his heavy balls tell you all you need to know about how pent up he obviously is. Reaching out with palms still a bit shaky, you helped to reel him in the rest of the way with welcoming, parted lips.

You wrapped your fingers tightly around where you couldn’t quite reach, sloppily taking more and more of him with each bob of your head. His salty precum meshed with what was leftover of your own mess, the taste making you moan around his length.

Bokuto was trying to move slower now, recognizing that you were easily slipping, but the way you rocked your body back and forth bumping against his sensitive, reddened tip, he couldn’t hold back much more. Digging his fingers into your hip, he eased the motions of your body, lining himself up, resisting from plowing into you at full force.

“Ready?” He asks, nearly whining. At the sound of his voice, you pull off from Hinata, letting your quickly tiring jaw grow slack.

“Uh-huh.” You barely heave out before wrapping your lips around him again. So sure you can take both at once and not falter, you ramp back up to your original pace, slobbering down his cock, the click of your quick motions echoing around your head. Unfortunately for your ego, you’re dead wrong.

Bokuto wastes no time drilling himself into you, setting a bruising pace straight from the beginning. It’s all you can do to loudly moan around Hinata’s cock, still stuffed in your mouth by the slight pistoning of his hips, the way Bokuto is ramming you forward only forcing him deeper down your throat.

As you gag, sputter, and moan down his length, drool dripping onto the already soiled cushions below, Hinata feels the pressure building and building in his core. Electricity tingles down his limbs, aided by the fucked out look in your pretty eyes. He doesn’t even have to move now with the way Bokuto is railing you against him. He wonders if you realize he’s close when you suck a little tight, cheeks hollowing as you take a little more of him, the hand that had been working his base coming down to lightly hold his swollen balls.

You don’t know. At this point, you’re moving on autopilot, simply trying your best. Your brain doesn’t know where to focus - Hinata filling out your mouth or Bokuto as he purposely alternates between hitting against your spongy spot and deep inside of you. It’s all a mess of spit, sweat, and cum, but you don’t think you’ve felt the rush of pleasure that comes with being used so well by more than one person.

Bokuto doesn’t know how much longer he can last. You’re clamping around, cunt fluttering each time his digs in a little deep or Hinata’s cock twitches against your tongue. He can tell by the scrunched up expression on his friend’s face that he can’t last much longer and he doesn’t blame him. Between fucking against your pussy and being wrapped up in your pretty mouth, no one really could. He’s determined to hold out though, a little spark of competition lighting up his chest. When Bokuto’s strokes suddenly slow you groan again, the vibrations dragging a stuttered moan from Hinata’s pretty lips.

“Gonna, hngh, uh gonna cum.” He sputters out, hips quivering as he tries to hold back from fucking too far back into your throat. At that, Bokuto’s hips speed up again, forcing a little whimpered cry, muffled by the cock in your mouth, from you. Still, you force yourself to focus on Hinata, sucking him dry as soon as the first spurt of cum hits the back of your throat.

He cums fast and hard and a lot. It’s seeping out from your lips, making him messier than he already was until he’s pulling his softening length from your mouth and flopping back against the couch, gently rubbing your arm while he catches his breath. With a heavy grin, Bokuto shoves a hand between your shoulder blades, knocking you into Hinata’s lap. Somewhat in vain, you try to clean him off between the pitchy mewls and cries that you breathe out while Bokuto chases his own release.

In no time, he’s there again, his own pressure built up as high as it could just before he burst inside of you. He fucks himself raw, your tight hole sucking him in, his cum only making it easier to slip in and out of you. Knowing he’ll finish when he’s completely spent, you lie limp in Hinata’s lap and he lazily wraps a hand around the back of your neck, soothing the leftover tension. You recognize Bokuto’s nearly done when his cock stops twitching and his hips slot against yours with some finality just before he slumps over you.

Whining when he slips out, even soft his cock is still a tight squeeze, you fall all the way against the couch, legs giving out at last. He falls back against the back, moving your legs to sit on top of his thighs and massaging them with great care. Completely spent and drifting half-asleep you just barely hear him.

“So,” he starts, head lolling toward Hinata who’s still lightly working his fingers against your upper back, “Dinner next week?”

[the-writers-bookshelf]

Hi Aubrey! First, I love your blog ❤️ everything here is just so inspirational and you are so kind, so I just wanted to get your thoughts on something. I struggle a lot with emotional consistency in my writing. For context, I write in third person - never really enjoyed first person in my own writing. And I am certainly not one to outline, I just come up with an idea and let the story build itself. And while I write almost daily, I do take breaks mid scene and have to pick back up where I left off later on and sometimes I feel like an entirely different person between the first half of a chapter and the last and I think my own mood influences a lot of this. So I'll just churn out content that is a mixture of angry, then sad, then almost poetic. And while sometimes this works fine for the plot, some of it absolutely doesn't and my characterization will be all over the place. A lot of this can be fixed in edits, I know, and I do pay extra attention to it then and make adjustments. I'm just not sure if this is something other people struggle with as well and I was just wondering if you had any tips for how to manage this a bit better. Thank you for listening and for what you do for all of us. I hope you're having a wonderful day. Be well ❤️

Hi lovely!! You are so sweet for sending such a kind message! ♥

Okay, so a couple things jumped out at me right away when reading your message.

1 - Embrace the mess

As a pantser, you already know it will be messy and that's TOTALLY fine! You already know you can make changes, and you already make those necessary edits.

I think every writer has days where their emotions are all over the place. Look at 2020 and how many people struggled to write because they were stressed, anxious, exhausted, angry, etc. about the pandemic.

Tapping into your emotions like this is a GOOD thing! Yes, it's messy, but it's going to be that way anyway because that's your process!

2 - The muse is never consistent

Every writing session is not going to be the same and that's perfectly normal. Some days, it's a struggle to get 100 words on the page just because you feel BLAH. Other days, your muse will soar.

I ALWAYS struggle at the 30k point in my stories. Everything drags, goes flat and lackluster. I've tried so many ways around it but that's just part of my process.

What I'm seeing in your message is actually advantageous to you, because you can mine your manuscript for those times when you are ON. When you're emotionally connected to your piece, you can bring out those emotions in your reader for an extra kick.

That's a really good thing!

3 - Trust yourself and your process

I think it's really easy to get caught up in our own heads as writers. Are we doing this whole writing thing *right?* Do other people struggle with this? Am I making this harder than it has to be?

Any method that gets your words on the page is a good writing process. That's how your creativity works. That's how your brain works.

As long as your story is being written and you're not blocking yourself, that's the only requirement for your process! Let yourself lean into it!

I never know where I'm going in my writing. I never know the end. And I always feel a little rambly and lost. Which makes me question myself and feel like a sham because I can't POSSIBLY be a decent writer if I don't know how my own story ends!!!

Then I reach that final scene. I scrape the strings together. It's agonizing and slow but I still get there.

Let yourself flow with your process because you'll get to where you're going eventually! ♥

4 - Leave notes to yourself

You mentioned that you're a pantser, but have you considered leaving notes for yourself at the end of a writing session? It can just be a few lines about where you intended to go with it. Then, when you pick up writing again, it might put you in the same headspace/tone so you can maintain that mood/pace.

5 - Practice

Some of this might come down to practice. The more you write, you might be able to pick up where you left off in the same tone.

I worked as a virtual assistant for about a year and in that time, I wrote in many different voices for my clients. I had to look at their previous blogs, newsletters, etc. and pick up their unique voice so I could write more content for them. I had to become a chameleon with my words, morphing them into a crisp professional tone, or super preppy and bright, or new age/spiritual/hippy.

It might be the same for you. After so many years of becoming familiar with your process, you might take one look at your page, recognize the emotions in your words, and emulate them again with practice!

I hope some of that helps! You've got this! ♥

[appledotcodotuk]

why the hive fckin suck at its job: a rant

spoilers for tgwdlm ahead!

first of all, it's important to consider what exactly the hive's job is. my answer is... who the fuck knows. literally. what is the hive's aim. what do you want Paul? more like, what do you want hive? let's find out!

it kinda evolves, as the play progresses. the intial aim of the hive, and one that does actually remain consistent is the constant burning need to grow and devour and gain more and more (insert capitalism metaphor here).

however, this is distorted by the people it possess who influence that aim, as we'll see later.

also the fact it crashes into a theatre displaying Mamma Mia gives the hive the motive it need to fit the world around it to the structure of the musical. having no originality of its own, the hive instead just picks up what is given to it. kinda like an evil baby.

it wants uniformity, that is indeed its ultimate goal and desire, no duh. it thinks it can achieve that through musical theatre, shame that the hive is dead wrong. cause the hive fucking sucks at its own job / aim / ultimate purpose / one concrete goal that motivates all its actions.

can't maintain control over its subjects

okay, so, the hive wants uniformity. it wants everyone to be dancing to the beat of its own tune. right? yeah. shame it literally can't keep its own possessed subjects in line at all. at the risk of sounding like the 10th doctor waxing lyrical abt humanity for the 50th time, humans are really difficult to control cause we're not really motivated by an altruistic allegiance to one primary good. we've got icky emotions that often move us to do stupid unpredictable stuff way more. it makes me wonder if the reason the hive wanted to use musical theatre to try and persuade ppl was cause it seems to think that is how theyll get emotive humans; through emotive songs. anyways. let's look at some examples shall weeeee?

Mr Davidson:

so, Mr Davidson. funnily enough, he's the guy whose in part acting as the hive trying to figure out what it wants through his interactions w/ Paul. every person it possess gives it just a bit more humanity and curiosity abt the world it is currently taking over. at least I think so. hence why as the musical develops u get character's like possessed!Alice wondering 'why does it hurt to love?' - the change in music and mood to something much more introspective really suggests to me that the hive is beginning to question the thoughts and emotions of its human hosts.

Mr Davidson is a family man through and through, he loves his wife Carol. she's his muse, his source of light. his feelings for her are not concrete or easy to explain and solve - hence why his sudden ahem demand of her is so hilarious and also jarring. it completely clashes with the 'I want song' which is simple, and often pushes forward a wider cause. not so with Mr Davidson, he just really loves his wife man. enough to break a frickin alien possession.

tbh I think its hilarious that (at least to me) the hive has to force him to forget and continue with the song, like, he straight up is just talking to his wife in that phone call, talking, not singing. so, no possession until he reverts back into song. ergo, the hive cannot maintain the uniformity it wants. even from the get go when theoretically its control should be stronger cause it has less ppl to co-ordinate. bad. at. its. job.

Paul:

this one hurts folks. yes, I know it's generally agreed, though somewhat debated that the state of Paul by the end of the tgwdlm is not purely possessed. I agree. once again, the hive is unable to truly enforce uniformity.

at this point, the motives of Paul and the hive are kinda just mixed, neither fully human nor fully alien. hence the constant shifts between pleeing for her to get away, to hide, to stay safe: 'what if the only choice is you have to sing to survive' and just full on old style hive nastiness 'let me puke in your mouth and just open your food bin girl' (so romantic 🥰 /j).

the hive has gone away from its original aim, and become something... different. no longer stuck to just one type of genre or style of song, it's really clever to show the developing complexity of the hive by showing how it is now juggling lots of different motifs with references to all the old songs from before recontextualised in a new way - its learning. evil baby... no longer uniform.

general miscommunication:

there are several instances of the hive not fully having uniform control over its subjects. for instance, right after not your seed with the three teens having to like... calibrate. they aren't just completely connected then?? also, this is a very small thing, but uhhhh at the end of inevitable when Paul is about to say the apotheosis is upon... the chorus interrupts him with USSSSSSS. interruptions??? not very in sync of u hive.

I think this inability to exert uniformity is also shown in the contrast between genre of musical theatre. my alien abomination cannot decide whether it wants to be the more modern edgy rock musical (join us (and die), not your seed ) or super happy go lucky old style musical theatre (lah dee dah dah day, and inevitable). it tries to do both, even while trying to encourage union, and sticking to one thing. hypocrite!!!!!

2. aims are guided by the people it possess

so, I mentioned this a bit already, but the hive isn't only mutating the humans, the humans are mutating the hive right back. this is more an interesting observation than any actual analysis but let's goooo.

greenpeace girl:

I think it's very likely that greenpeace girl is one of the first to be possessed. This is probably easily debunkable but whatever this analysis is flying by the seat or its pants anywayyyyy. why? cause where else would it pick up that whole 'this planet needs fixing' thing? it's interesting too, cause it morphs from expressing the desire to join hands and sing together, unity and peace with no actual action behind it. this then goes right to the other end, with the hive going 'fine I'll do it myself' and trying to save things by enforcing a dictatorship on the world. it develops and changes, and strays from its original means of accomplishing its aims! speaking oooooof...

3. inconsistent in means of accomplishing aims

okay, ur an evil hive mind. u think musicals are the way to win over these silly humans cause they're all weak and emotive and seem to respond to them. but, wait! schwoopsie! you haven't realised that for emotional depth and growth to mean anything, you need there to be established development and well... growth. otherwise the sentiments are as vague as the ones expressed in What Do You Want, Paul?

this show has genuine emotional moments, just not really during the musical numbers WITH EXCEPTIONS. any strife is smoothed over quickly, and so the development and change that would have to go into such growth is just gone. (see, You Tied Up My Heart) all so it can achieve its own desire to grow and grow and grow, maybe a metaphor for art being killed under late stage capitalism??

what actually matters is the impact the songs have afterwards, in causing a death - because we have a bond and care abt these characters. those short scenes between Paul and Emma are actually way more resonant than any song. except... inevitable, and also not your seed a bit. at this point the hive has learnt a thing or two, and can actually twist human emotion a little. but for it to do that, it has to reject the uniformity it prizes, and be adaptable. point towards being more human than it first thought? methinks so. and yet it's just not enough...

it's also why let it out, to me, feels really ingenuine. Paul has expressed himself in much better ways already. what they're doing is clearly paining him, and hurting the guy. he's terrified bless.

you can't force someone into being emotional vulnerable, man.

it's why all the deaths for the characters who are forced to express themselves are really violent, involving them being ripped open - literally forcing them to expose themselves from the 'inside out' as Alice reflects in Not Your Seed. you can't force genuine emotional connection, it has to be fostered, shown in the much more affecting relationship of Paul and Emma. the only reason the hive actually has power over our characters is because of these genuine emotional connections, which it tries and often fails to take advantage of, resulting in just resorting to brute violence. messy hive, very messy.

at the core, the musical's a kinda attack on that toxic positivity mindst: trying to force people to reach the sort of easy solutions by sharing feelings in a way that feels pretty invasive and deciding you are instantly fixed. the problems these characters face are jarringly not really what you'd expect a character in a musical to face, cheating, a lot of it, mid-life crisis. problems that are bland, or wayyyy too real. this is purposefully done, to reveal just how silly the hive's aim to use musical theatre to solve everyone's problem is. life is more complex than that smh.

4. a human can write a much more expressive, and genuine song than they ever could lol

u know which song I'm talking abt. what more is there to say. so much for making persuasive songs to tempt people over.

5. make me sad cause they took some perfectly nice ppl and funked them up 😭

this was a stupid point lol. basically I'm just bitter that this hive took a bunch of perfectly okay ppl and gave them hive brain. screw u hive. I swear I'm gonna watch Black Friday soon, cause I'm sure it's gonna completely destroy every thought I've had so far, but whateve,,, just take this as a look at tgwdlm like it's a stand-alone piece.

these guys are supposed to all be 'individuals' on one level, but also 'appendages of a much larger organism'. there's a little too much individualism and fracturing to be cohesive enough to do that I feel. the hive to me is not an infallible, unstoppable force, in fact, every human it takes over only brings it closer to understanding us. so that's maybe a slight positive note??? idk ?! I just have lots of thoughts and feelings abt this musical even if this doesn't make sense I'm proud i wrote it down hehe.

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[themadauthorshatter]

TOPPAT!CHARLES PART 6

HEY! HEY, YOU!

Don't scroll past this!

Why, you ask?

Simple.

TIME FOR TOPPAT!CHARLES PART 6!!!!!

Sorry if I scared you there, I'm just über excited for this one, I sincerely am, you have no idea!!! 

If you haven’t read the previous parts, you can find them RIGHT HERE: 

Part 1: 

Part 2: 

Part 3: 

Part 4: 

Part 5:

Previously on Toppat!Charles: Our pilot friend learned the hard way it's not a good idea to say 'no' to the Right Hand Man, and has accepted his offer. Meanwhile, Henry has been having nightmares of his different end selves disagreeing with his decision and chastising him for letting Charles get taken by Right.

HEADCANON/THEORY FOLLOWING OF THE CHAPTER: Watch this theory by Two Left Thumbs, and you'll know instantly. A hint, though, Ellie is dealing with this in her own way; she and Henry ARE connected in more ways than one😉: https://youtu.be/LjOCfKOqkic

Got that? FANTASTIC!!

LET'S DIVE RIGHT BACK IN!!!!

Henry walks down a hallway and toward a break room for breakfast; he, Ellie, and Charles do have an apartment, but the general wants them to stay until Charles is back home safely. 

It has been at least a few weeks since part 5, and that time, in addition to the nightmares, has taken its toll. Henry’s hair is messy, his clothes are wrinkled, and bags have formed under his eyes. 

As he reaches the doorway, someone is there to greet him. 

“Morning, Mr. Stickmin.” 

Bill Bullet sits at one of the tables, having just finished his own breakfast and is now fidgeting with his empty coffee cup. 

Henry takes a seat across from him and rests his head on his hand. 

“You doing alright? You look like Hell in a hand basket.” 

'Hard time sleeping,' Henry signs as he yawns.

"Well, don't go sleeping on me. We're moving today."

Henry looks up at him, now awake and alert.

"Some of my men saw movement from the orbital station on oir satellite. They might be paying Earth a visit."

Henry pulls a newspaper ad out of his pocket and uncrinkles it and shows it to Bullet, tapping on it.

It's an add for a museum exhibit in a neighboring city close to the one Henry robbed in StD, said exhibit being a sapphire, like a large sapphire, like the size of the diamond, ruby, and emerald. It's tempting for Henry to not steal the sapphire and slip back into old habits.

This is an excellent target for the clan.

'The Right Hand Man should be, too.'

Bullet smirks and nods. "I've got a team ready for you. We'll leave on your call."

TIME JUMP TO THE MUSEUM!!!!!

Henry and his team and Ellie enter the museum with little to no problem; Henry brought Ellie for emotional support and so he could show her the sapphire. (A small gift to her for everything she's done as his friend)

They have some close calls like Ellie almost getting seen by a guard, one of the CCC men almost shoots another guard "just in case," and another guard almost falls on yet another guard.

After that, they get to the sapphire exhibit and take out the guards in a way that doesn't get them (the guards) killed. After that, they all sit down and play the waiting game.

The CCC men do a sweep of the area and ready themselves at different parts of the exhibit, hiding in spots and ready to strike. Ellie and Henry take a seat near the sapphire itself, admiring it before focusing back on the mission.

Henry lets his mind wander, thinking about how once they save Charles, Henry will take his place in the CCC. It's the kind of thought that gives them a sick feeling, but all he can think is 'As long as Charles is safe, it'll be worth it.'

He remembers Terrence's words about how life is for living and bites his tongue.

I've seen families live together just fine with no riches, no crime, and no Toppat Clan. We really meant that little to you?

He gets a tap on his shoulder and looks over to see Ellie holding out a cup of coffee to him, a thermos, maybe two, next to her.

"I thought you could use some, since we're gonna be here for a while."

Henry shakes his head and tries to push it away. 'No thanks. I don't really like coffee. Gives me a headache.'

Ellie gives him a withering look. "When was the last time you got a good night's sleep?"

When Henry doesn't answer, Ellie smirks and holds out the coffee once more. "Yeah, thought so."

Henry rolls his eyes and takes the cup, signing with his free hand, 'Fine. When did you become my mother?'

"When you became a child," Ellie barks as she lightly bonks Henry on the head. "And when you came back from visiting your father." She leans back and puts the back of her free hand against her eyes, looking as dramatic as possible. "What they say is true: A boy really needs the love of a mother."

Henry scoffs and shakes his head with a smile before writing on her palm again with his finger. 'I already have a mother.'

Ellie sits straight, now intrigued. "You don't talk about them a lot. Your parents, I mean."

Henry raises an eyebrow and points to her as he nods, gesturing either, 'You don't, either' or 'Neither do you.' Same message, different phrasing.

It's Ellie's turn to shake her head. "They're not people I want to talk about. I doubt my dad would let me visit him, even in a situation like this."

Henry pauses from drinking his coffee.

"Your dad said life is for living. I can't say he's wrong for saying that." She turns her head to Henry, looking him in the eye even those he's staring off into outer space/zoning out. "It's just hard to live life when..." She looks away again, lowers her voice, just so the CCC men don't hear her, and clenches her fists on her knees. "When you can't stop living."

Henry nods as he goes for another sip of coffee.

Then he stops.

'It's hard to live life when you can't stop living.'

Those words make Henry slowly lower his cup and turn to Ellie, looking at her both incredulously and with fear.

"What?" He asks under his breath.

Before Ellie can answer, something is thrown into the exhibit and EXPLODES, filling the room with smoke and no one really getting too injured.

The CCC men fall one by one from being grabbed from behind and put into a sleeper hold, and the toaats responsible run over, mostly undetected because of the smoke.

Henry is seemingly tackled down by Ellie as the two hear glass breaking above them.

The sapphire's case is open.

Henry sees a toppat get close and shoots him in the shoulder, not enough to kill him but enough to get him running away.

"Good shot!" Ellie yells between coughs because the alarms been set off.

Henry points to his gun, then to his hand as he shakes his head with a "Mh-mm." 'I was aiming for his hand.'

The two go toe to toe with a pair of toppats like in the very beginning of this series, but something's different. When Henry kicks his opponent away, the toppat scurries away from the two. And Ellie's just runs when she's just started fighting.

"What's going on?"

Henry shrugs and then looks over at the sapphire.

You know that face and stance he does in Toppat King when the rocket takes off without him? Weeeeellll...

Henry's face drops completely as he holds the sides of his face, gasping loudly.

Ellie is equally flabbergasted, and a little annoyed at how well this plan actually worked in the toppat's favor.

A little too well, I'd say.

"What do we-"

Henry runs after the toppat Ellie was fighting before she can finish asking him.

The three race through multiple exhibits, the toppat throwing down trash bins and benches in order to slow them down.

Henry, however, has the power of friendship and adrenaline and keeps up with him evry step of the way.

"Stop!" He yells. "Where is he!?"

The toppat fumbles, but still continues running. Ellie picks up her pave unitl she's in front of Henry.

"Where's Charles!?"

The chase takes the two of them outside, Henry falls behind, where the toppat makes a sharp turn to the wall.

Ellie sees this a second too late as she is hit in the nose with a cybernetic hand, knocking her down, but not knocking her out, even when a cybernetic foot is put on her freshly healed rib.

"'Ello. It's been a while, 'asn't it?"

Ellie glares up at Right and tries to move his foot.

"Last time I saw you, you had to get carried in a stretcher."

"And you took our friend," Ellie sneers.

Right rolls his eyes; these kids do not play around, which he admires, but it does get annoying when he's in a playing mood.

"Charles. Our friend. What did you do with him?"

Right smirks and looks over his shoulder. "Looks like this one missed you, after all. You'll fit in perfect with the two of them now." Right moves his foot and approaches whoever he's talking to, and Ellie takes this opportunity to try to get the jump on him.

The toppat sees this INSTANTLY.

🤨... I don't know anout you guys, but I feel like I'm forgetting something here.🤔🤔

OH, YEAH!!!

Henry runs out just in time to see this toppat shoot Ellie in the hip.

If this was a movie, we would hear nothing, no music, no talking, just the sound of the gun firing and echoing as the bullet either gets lodged in Ellie's hip or goes THROUGH her hip, close to the joint of her leg. We would get a shot of Ellie's face, eyes wide, brows furrowed and widely arced, like those despair looking anime faces, and lips slightly parted as shock sets in. We would also get three more shots, one from her perspective as she sees the toppat lower his gun,one behind Ellie as she falls back, and the third being on the ground and slightly in front of her as Henry freezes where he is and watches her fall.

BUT HE DOESN'T STAY THIS WAY.

"You BASTARD!" Henry screams as he charges toward Right, who steps back and throws him into the toppat.

The sight of him not only snaps Henry out of his rage, it completely throughs him into a despaired shock.

He's lost a lot of weight in his captivity, and Henry can feel it through his suit and see it in his cheeks, jaw, neck, and eyes, which are blood shot, empty and glassy. His hair's grown longer to where it is past his shoulders and kept in a low ponytail, the rest held back by gel and his own top hat so it stays out of his face. He's gotten pale from his time in space and not being exposed to sunlight and vitamin D.

For a second, neither recognize each other, but Henry is the first to as his chest goes hollow.

"Charles!" He quickly embraces his friend, who is still quiet and nit exactly reacting, but the gears start turning in his head as he realizes who's talking to and hugging him.

Right watches ans his smirk widens as Henry let Charles go and turns to him, tears pouring down his cheeks and now angry as hell.

"What did you do to him!?"

Right looks back at Charles, prompting Henry to do the same.

"Henry?"

A smile grows on Henry's face as he helps his friend up.

"Charles, I'm so sorry! I should've-"

BANG!

Henry falls backward, but doesn't die. Instead, the ground melts away beneath him and he gasps as the bullet wound heals on his forehead. You know that feeling you get when you're falling asleep and feel like your mattress is floating on the ocean waves? Henry feels that until he's back looking up at Right.

This time, he looks at Charles to see Charles is literally about to shoot him, but he hits and throws it away before Charles flips him over and smashes his fist into Henry's face repeatedly until Henry throws him off and stands back up, Charles standing as well and glaring at him, absolutely livid.

"Why'd you do it?" Charles growls. "Why didn't you help me when I needed you!?"

The hollow feeling in Henry's chest worsens as Charles stares him down. Part is him is more than willing to break down into tears, but all the time watching the tapes Right showed him in Part 5 have made his body producing tears next to impossible.

Right only stands back and watches because, as you probably put together, THIS is plan. Not only to take a friend, Charles, away from Henry, but to have said friend destroy him.

"I'm sor-"

Before Henry can finish, Charles punches him again.

"TELL ME!" His voice is a little broken, but he keeps yelling out of frustration and sheer anger because, yes, while Henry sent the destroyers and the government to help Charles, he didn't stop Right in the jungle during the mission. "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THEM!? WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME!? YOU JUST STOOD THERE AND LET ME GET TAKEN AWAY!"

Henry doesn't have the fight in him to stop Charles from yelling at him or punching him. He doesn't even have it in him to look Charles in the eye.

And that bothers Charles immensely.

"Why won't you say anything?" Charles asks. "No matter what, you've always stayed quiet."

When Henry still remains silent, Charles swings a punch into his face hard enough to make Henry fall down.

"SAY SOMETHING!"

Henry holds up his hands, revealing how much he's been crying and how hard Charles has been hitting him; Henry's nose is broken, one of his eyes his swollen shut, his lips are split, and a tooth is loose.

Physically unable to speak, Henry signs to Charles instead, 'I'm sorry.'

Charels quickly kneels down and snatches Henry's hand.

"I want to hear you say it."

Henry tries forcing those words out, but his throat tightens up and leaves him unable to speak. He tries again and his crying becomes worse as he shakes his head.

"SAY IT!" Charles screams.

Henry breaks down as he shakes his head again, signing and gesturing as much as he can.

Charles rises to his feet, his eyes going glassy and his face expressionless. "I figured as much." He kicks Henry in the mouth and turns to Right. "We're done here. Send a message back to the station. We got the sapphire."

Right nods as his smirk becomes a smile. "Yes, sir."

Henry stands up on shaky legs and stiltedly walks towards his friend.

"Ch-Charles."

Charles shuts his eyes and heaves a breath through his nose, his top hat in his hands.

"Charles, w-wait-"

Charles wheels around as he watches Henry stumble toward him.

"I... I-"

"Don't bother."

Charles holds the hand gun Henry made him drop and aims it at Henry.

"I've heard enough."

When Charles shoots, Henry does not feel the bullet when it is lodged into his waist.

Henry is standing long enough to see Right, Charles, and any remaining toppats be beamed up to the orbital station with the sapphire.

The glare from Charles stays in Henry's mind as he falls, eyes locked on the night sky as Charles's words replay over and over in his mind.

Ellie groans as she crawls over to Henry and falls on her good side, where Charles didn't shoot her.

"We tried," she says as she breathes shakily and hold his shoulder, more his shirt, but I digress. "We tried."

The CCC guards do eventually wake up and get Ellie and Henry back to the government base. Both get immediate medical attention, which leads to Henry getting surgery to get the bullet out and seeing Ellie suddenly begin to panic and shout repeatedly, "I can't feel my leg!"

TIME JUMP TO AFTER HIS SURGERY!

Henry wakes up in his own room and finds that Galeforce is sitting in a chair, hunched forward, fists shaking, and his hat off.

"General?"

Galeforce puts his hat back on and sits straight. His eyes are red rimmed and have bags underneath them now. "Morning, Henry. How're you feeling?"

Henry holds his hand out and sort of tilts it on a way to say, 'Fine.'

Galeforce forces a smile and sighs.

"Ellie's still in the infirmary. That shot form-" He gulps and coughs a little bit. "-From the toppat... did a number on her leg. She won't be on the field for a long time."

Henry sits up, even when his body aches, and picks up a pen and notepad on his bedside table.

'They got the sapphire.'

Galeforce nods. "I know."

Henry shakes as he writes on the notepad again before dropping both and resting his forehead on his knees while loosely hugging his knees. Galeforce hangs his head and lets Henry cry; he doesn't really have much to say anyway.

'Charles,' the notepad reads.

HOLY SHIT DID THIS ONE TAKE FOREVER!!!!!

But that is a really good thing😁!

I hope you all enjoyed this one because I certainly did!!

I'm probably going to take a break from this for a little bit because of how much of an emotional roller coaster this is, and so I don't get burn out. I will come back to this because I love this series, I guess you can say I'm letting my cake cool down before adding the frosting or letting the pot sit so it make good caramel or fudge.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for following this series. I appreciate each and every one of you so much!

I hope you all stay safe this season, thank you again for reading and following, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

[physcoticfrog]

Part 15, Aiko

You stood up, shaky. Did you really want to talk to Daichi about your problems? He's your brother, so you should be able to trust him just fine, right? It's been 3 years already, so why is it so difficult?

You went towards the door, unlocked it, and walked out. It was weird, it was so bright. Has it always been that bright?

You made your way down the stairs. It was weird. You hadn't walked in a week, the it time you did was to go to the bathroom. You were so lucky that you had a bathroom connected to your room.

You reached the living room, seeing Daichi already sitting down on the couch. You saw his eyes widen in shock. You weren't surprised, you knew you looked like hell on wheels. Your hair was messy, and you were certain you had bags under your eyes.

However, Daichi being Daichi, was straight to the point. "So, y/n, what's wrong?" He was genuinely concerned, you could hear him.

You didn't exactly know how to respond. Did you truly want to tell him? Your leg started to bounce, and you couldn't even stop it. "D-Daichi, I- well, you know how you adopted me out of a particularly... Unsafe situation?" You tried. So far you thought you were doing well.

He nodded his head, giving you the go to continue. "Well, how much do you know about what actually happened?" Now, you could clearly see how to explain this to him. You were gaining confidence, hoping that he would keep being keen on knowing what was wrong now.

"The caseworker told us that your parents were drug addicts, and that they were involved with a drug system. That's all we know." He stated. He was thinking, hard, so you could tell that they really didn't know that much.

You took a deep breath, and let out a small sigh. "I grew up around drugs. They were actually part of a dealing system, which you said. But, it was an entire chain. They ran underground, and no one really knew about them. There were other kids, like me. Ones who didn't want to participate in the dealing. Other kids did. I made friends there. My first friend I made there." You took another breath. This is hurting you to explain. It's a past you so desperately tried to forget, but now, here you were. Explaining it to your adoptive brother.

Still, you continued. "My first friend. Well, she was probably 3 or 4 years older than me. I'm not quite sure actually. I met her when I was probably 8. Her name was Aiko. She was one of the few kids who took after her parents. She became famous in the Underground. She was the youngest one that was an official member, and she made the most money. She was so badass too. I remember how she used to get into fights a lot, either because someone was talking shit about someone or something she cared about, or because they tried to take credit for what she did." You smiled at the memories. You cared for her and missed her so much.

"Well, as I got older, she was still with me. We would always be together, and constantly talking. She would always help me, whether it be I was crying or my parents did something. The day that I went to school, and came back, she was there. I wasn't able to say goodbye, and they had to drag me and her away from each other. I was only 12 years old at the time, and she was probably 16 almost 17. That was the last time I saw her." You felt like crying, and there was a slight crack in your voice as you said the last part. It hurt so much.

But, you still weren't done explaining everything with him."But what caused you to hide away? Why are you talking about your best friend?" Daichi asked. He seemed to be completely curious, but somewhat impatient.

"I'm getting to that. Be patient." You snapped. It was uncharacteristic of you, but you hated the feeling of showing weakness in front of him.

Still, you had to tell him. There was no use in hiding it anymore. "I saw her. The other day, when I was out with Ryūnosuke. I couldn't have her see me. I- I didn't- I don't- want him to know about my past. I never have wanted anyone to know at all. " There was so many mixed emotions on that day. Did it really have to happen when you're trying to have a peaceful time? "But, if by some chance she recognized me, I would definitely be swarmed with questions and I didn't want that. She definitely has it going good for her. I could tell. But it still scared me." You finally finished.

Daichi just nodded his head. His head was swarming with questions, but there was no use in asking. "Call me crazy, but what if you went to the boba shop alone? Like, on the off chance you see her. Maybe it could help you with your own things too."

Your eyes widened. He had a point. He was truly right. It might actually help you. "I- I think you actually had a good idea for once Daichi." You couldn't help but bring back the insults. Sadness begone at this point. After all, there is no point in wallowing.

Daichi let out a small, breathy laugh. "Well, I'm really glad you can get that out y/n. I know I didn't really say much, but it seems like you already feel better from getting it off your chest."

Damn, he could tell that easy? "You can read me like a book I swear." You threw out there. "Have you thought about taking up a career as a therapist?" You joked, because honestly you did feel better.

You both laughed, and when you were done, Daichi said one last thing. "Hey, y/n?" You gave a small hum in response. "You should probably text Oikawa and Iwaizumi. They have been so worried about you. They have been swarming me every damn day." He let out.

So, that's exactly what you did.

A/n: I hope this isn't too messy! I really tried to make it as good as I could, although I'm not 100% pleased with the outcome, I think it's not bad.

Also! Big thanks to those who constantly like and express interest in the things I do. It makes me so happy I don't think you understand.

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[mbti-notes]

(1/3)How does one deal with feeling like your friends are neglecting you? I have these couple of friends that lately I feel like I don't hang out with unless I'm the one initiating. When we do see each other everything is going well, but I feel like maybe they take me for granted, or maybe I was the only one thinking that we're friends, while they don't care that much about me and don't really miss me if we go months without seeing each other.

[con’t: Frankly I want to just drop out of contact with them and “test” wether or not they’ll even make an effort to reach out to me, and if they not then why should I?. But at the same time, I’m aware that we all have our own lives to deal with, and people have different ideas of how much effort should be put into “maintaining” a friendship. Also, I never really communicated that I feel this way (cause I don’t really communicate feelings openly like that) and instead always just focus on having a good time with them, so if I were to suddenly make this an issue I feel like it could come out of the blue from their perspective. Should I just stop trying with them and see what happens? And if I were to pursue the issue, how would I do it without putting a needless pressure on them and making things weird? - INFJ]

Ignoring feelings is the road to ruin for Fs. Genuine question: How important are your feelings to you? For example, when you feel neglected or taken for granted, do you honor those feelings and treat them as important? They seem important to you, otherwise, you’d easily brush them off. If feelings are important to you, why can’t you talk about them, and why shouldn’t people talk about them? Is your perspective not important in a relationship? Why do you relate feelings to “pressure” or being “weird”? This seems to imply that you think it’s somehow “unnatural” to have feelings, otherwise, you wouldn’t ask how to “deal” with them as though they are some kind of plague or obstacle?

First of all, in a relationship, people owe each other certain agreed upon duties and responsibilities. If you relinquish them, the relationship ends as there’s no commitment to each other. You seem to think people owe you more than they’re giving you, perhaps rightfully so (as INFJs are often devoted friends to a fault), while you also recognize that different people have a different conception of what their duties and responsibilities are. How are two people, with two different conceptions of their duties and responsibilities, supposed to get onto the same page without DISCUSSING their conceptions and forging middle ground? It’s not magically going to happen without any effort. Long-term relationships require effort to sustain, and both parties must agree to putting in a relatively equal amount of effort, otherwise one party will always feel cheated. If someone isn’t willing to put in the effort, then you’re barking up the wrong tree and should simply move on. This connects to the next point.

Second, if someone doesn’t contact you as often as you’d like, it is unwise to speculate and ascribe motives to their behavior without knowing the facts of their situation. You feel hurt, fine, but don’t jump to conclusions and claim that they don’t care or that they don’t miss you. This kind of judgmental leap is unwarranted, and it actually reflects on your emotional insecurity rather than their moral character. Do you act on every thought and feeling that comes your way? You clearly don’t, because your question is about feeling neglected but not doing anything about it. People can miss you a lot yet still not contact you, people can care about you a lot yet still not contact you, for reasons that you aren’t aware of, because you don’t know what’s really happening inside them. Maybe they’re good friends, maybe they’re jerks. The point is that you don’t really know because you’re overlooking a lot of different possibilities by jumping to conclusions.

INFJs with poor emotional intelligence are often very judgmental (Ti fail), because they aren’t aware that negative emotions have hijacked their speculative process, and they believe that their “intuitions” about people are god-given truths. This often sabotages their relationships over and over again. Nobody likes to be misjudged or wrongly accused, and it’s not a good habit to go around judging people without giving them fair opportunity to present the facts of their case. I’m guessing the reason that you fear talking about it is because you know that the anger you feel in your heart is going to create a volatile situation. And the anger is there because you have jumped to a negative conclusion about their moral character. Blame is a defense mechanism that grants a false sense of power, FJs usually do it to deflect their feelings of hurt/inadequacy/inferiority.

A much wiser strategy is to figure out the facts rather than indulging blame. Once you have the facts, you’d be in a much better position to decide what to do. What’s stopping you from genuinely asking people why they don’t initiate contact? That would naturally open up a normal conversation/negotiation about how much to contact each other. Be honest: Do you actually want to know the truth, or do you like sitting in judgment of people and stewing in your negative feelings (as many INFJs do)? And you even want to “test” your friends in an experiment to prove your negative judgment, which will, of course, turn out exactly as you expect because you’re intellectually dishonest. It’s easy to hold a false belief when you rig the experiment and never actually open yourself up to real counter-evidence. It’s easy to maintain an illogical belief when you have already defined both the cause (bad moral character) and the effect (taking you for granted) in playing the judge, jury, and executioner. You cannot claim to know things through mere speculation, so stop leaning so heavily on Ni. Get the facts from the horse’s mouth instead of presuming to know.

Third, if you are afraid of conflict, you’re never going to get very far in relationships, because relationships are inherently messy and full of conflict. Two people cannot reach a place of mutual acceptance without going through the process of reconciling their differences. There’s nothing wrong with individual differences, the issue is whether you are genuinely able to accept that they exist, on both ends. The decisions that you have made indicate that you can’t accept your feelings. You say that you focus on having a good time, which is often the indirect Fe way of saying that your true feelings remain hidden. By not raising this issue in your relationships, you inadvertently inform other people that your feelings don’t matter, and downplaying yourself cannot lead to a satisfying relationship, can it? It is the fact that you have left your feelings unresolved for so long that makes this situation into “a thing” that you now fear raising with them and now even motivates you to slam the door. The molehill (of innocent differences) has become a mountain (of negative condemnations).

You can’t expect that others will know how to accommodate your needs if you never make your needs known. How are people supposed to know how to care for you if you don’t instruct them? How are you to know why they don’t initiate contact if you never ask them? The point is that these discussions are necessary and constructive for relationship building. If you want to get better at having them, then start having them and learn from any missteps. Communication is an art, a dynamic process that requires adapting to the circumstances of the moment. There are some things in life that mere speculation can never prepare you for, so stop leaning so heavily on Ni. Learn how to do it by simply doing it and gaining experience.