#Eddie: That’s actually child neglect but okay

[morganbritton132]

Eddie, posting to his socials: Pro-tip! If you had a questionable childhood and you’re thinking of throwing out some lore about your past, maybe think twice before describing it as a funny story.

Eddie: Maybe say to yourself, ‘Hmm, would I think this was funny if one of my thirteen year old students told me this? Would this make me immensely sad hearing it from a child?’ before deciding to violently vibe check your husband with the saddest fucking thing I’ve heard in a while.

Steve, off-screen:

Steve: First of all, I agreed with you. Saying it out loud, it’s not a funny story. My bad.

Steve: Second, do not describe my childhood as ‘lore.’ I’m not an elf in your nerd shit.

[acewritesfics]

Father's Calling | Eddie Munson

Pairing: Eddie Munson

Request: No

Warnings: Established relationship. Anxiety, anger, domestic violence, child neglect, drug use and alcoholism. Pure angst with a little fluff. I've given Eddie's dad the name David.

Word Count: 1,283

Stranger Things Masterlist | Main Masterlist

"You okay, son?" Wayne Munson asks his nephew after he hangs up the phone, his eyes filled with rage and his hands shaking, a deep frown on his face. From Eddie's reaction to the phone call, the older Munson man knew who was on the other end of the phone. 

"I'm fine," the younger man replies, grabbing his leather jacket and putting it on. The trailer was causing him to feel claustrophobic as his pent-up anger was building. He knows he needs to get out before he explodes on his uncle, the one man who didn't deserve to be on the end of his rage. "I'll be back later," he tells Wayne as he grabs the keys to his beat-up van and hurries out the trailer door. 

Wayne doesn't bother going after him, trying to stop him from leaving. He knows his nephew well enough to know that he needs space and that if he needs someone, he'll end up at Y/N's home. 

Eddie gets in his van and shoves the key into the ignition. He turns the key, starts the van and speeds off into the night, Metallica blasting from the van speakers, his fingers tapping along to the beat and occasionally squeezing the steering wheel tightly as he thinks about the phone call from his father and tries to calm his anger. 

He drives until he reaches his destination. Y/N's home. Y/N, his best friend since they were 6 years old and his first and only girlfriend. 

They became friends after she punched an 8-year-old kid right in the nose for bullying Eddie for having hand-me-down clothes. The kid was much bigger than the both of them combined, but she had no fear when it came to standing up to the bully. From that day, the two have been inseparable. They know each other better than anyone else and always have each other's backs. All through their childhoods, it was them vs. the world, and the world stood no chance when the two of them were together. In high school, it was only a matter of time before their friendship turned into a relationship. Her parents and Wayne could see it from the moment that they had met after being called into the school after Y/N had punched a kid in the face. The two came from different backgrounds, but Wayne and Y/M and Y/D knew that Y/N and Eddie were meant to be. 

Eddie pulls into the driveway of the small two-bedroom home that Y/N had moved into with another friend of hers who had recently moved out to be with her boyfriend. He turns off the ignition, pulls the key out and jumps out of the van, making his way to the front door. He knocks loudly, unsure if she's asleep, as a little guilt pierces through his rage at the thought of waking her up. He's waiting not even a minute before the door swings open, revealing Y/N, wearing his Dio shirt he had left the last time he stayed with her and a short pair of bicycle shorts she always slept in in the summer. She looks at him sleepily, causing him to feel a little more guilt knowing he did wake her up. 

She becomes more awake when she notices how tense he is and that he was at her house so late at night without a phone call saying he was coming over. "Eddie, what's going on?" 

"My dad called me," he huffs angrily. 

She takes his hand and pulls him inside before closing the door and locking it. He follows her into the kitchen and sits at the kitchen island as she pours a glass of water and hands it to him. 

"What did he want?" She asks, a little surprised. His dad only called when he wanted something, and that wasn't often since he went to prison. 

David Munson was never in her good books. He was never there for Eddie like a father should be, leaving the actual parenting to the boy's mom and uncle. He taught Eddie all the wrong things, things that would get him in trouble with the law. Instead of learning to play catch or to ride a bike, how to swim and install good behavior in him, David had taught him how to hot wire vehicles, along with how to steal, sell drugs, lie and commit other petty crimes. She recalled all the times Eddie would come to her house, angry and upset over something David had done. The most clear memory of one of those times was the last time David was arrested. Eddie had arrived at her home with a nasty bruise and a cut to his cheek. He was ten at the time and had stood between his mom and his dad when his dad had gone to hit his mom. David, who was drunk at the time, started an argument with Eddie's mom over not having enough money for his next drug fix. He blamed her for spending the money on getting ice creams for Eddie and herself when it had been him that had spent it on the crate of beer he had just drunk himself stupid with. It was a neighbor who called the cops after witnessing David throwing Eddie out of the trailer, bloody and bruised. By the time the cops arrived, David had beaten his wife to the point where she needed to go to the hospital. After three days in the hospital, Eddie's mom had come home, packed herself a bag, and dropped Eddie off at Wayne's trailer before leaving Hawkins for good, never being heard from again. 

Fortunately for Eddie, he had ended up in his uncle's care instead of the foster care system when his father was thrown in prison for assault and many other charges from previous crimes. Wayne didn't want to see his nephew go into the system and knew he would be better off with family than some stranger. He was always more of a father to Eddie than his pathetic excuse of a brother. And that way, Eddie would also be able to see Y/N. The older man couldn't bear to see the two separated. 

"He has a parole hearing next month," he informs her. "He wants me to speak on his behalf and tell the courts how much of a changed man he is." 

"I hope you told him to get fucked," she says, her own anger rising. "He's barely spoken to you in the last ten years, even between his stints in prison. Why does he think you'll speak on his behalf?" 

"I don't know," he shrugs. 

She moves towards him and hugs him from behind, her arms wrapping around his waist as she rests her head on his back. "He's a fucking idiot, don't let him get under your skin." 

"Easier said than done, baby." he sighs, relaxing in her embrace. Covering her hands with his, he joins their hands together. 

"Want me to kick his ass for you?" she asks. "'cause you know I will." 

Letting go of her hands and turns around to face her, cupping her face in his hands, his thumb stroking her cheek. "I know you will, baby. You've always had my back." 

"And I always will, never forget that," she smiles and pulls him into a kiss.  

"I love you," he mumbles against her lips. 

"I love you too, Eddie," she mumbles back before breaking the kiss. "Now lets go to bed, we can talk more about this tomorrow." 

"Lead the way, Mi'Lady," he says making a gesture with his arm. 

She giggles and takes his hand, leading him back to her bedroom. 

[mazzystar24]

I've been thinkin bout that bt scene. Obviously I might be totally wrong but idk, I feel like T kinda muttered "god I hope so" into his wine glass & not directly at Buck & he was being maybe kinda insecure, like in his head maybe since we assume he's older & more experienced he might think that's why Buck is sticking around?

Like idk, it's a call back somehow to the first date and the closet comment? Like T wants this to work out because he thinks Buck is adorable but you know they aren't really clicking so ya know whatever works? (But eventually it will fully break down)

And the way Buck said "but you think I do?" about the daddy issues is like Buck goin "....wait what?" in his head because his head does tilt a bit to the side like 🤔🤔🤔 And it's showing that they don't fit.

That it was intentionally weird & off putting.

Tho I do think the bit where T says "but your father is alive" wasn't meant to be snarky. Buck then says "Exactly" which I took as Buck being all "exactly, my dad's just THAT shitty and he's not going to change."

Off course then the speech Buck gave Chris is a bit eh, but like two things can be true at the same time. XD

Also I'm def not a bt shipper, Buddie all the way but yeah that's just how it came off to me. Lol.

I hope this makes sense.

I have been swamped with exams and neglected my inbox so 💐💐💐💐💐

Eh I feel like it was definitely more flirty than insecure like I’m tempted to add the gifsets for reference but I don’t want it to show up in the gif makers’ notifications but yeah like as he’s saying it it’s 100% like suggestive vibes rather than self deprecating making a joke about an actual insecurity vibe

Like I think for me this is definitely a horses not zebras moment

I do keep think that maybe the like off putting moments are intentional because so many weird choices have been made with BT

For the your dad is alive I think I wasn’t super clear on my opinion on it but like I don’t mean he said it to be snarky per say more so that the implications behind that line are things like “you’d feel differently if he wasn’t” or “you can fix things before he does” or as if that’s something to be thankful for or recognise when talking about his pseudo father nearly dying

Like the reason I hate this line isn’t that it necessarily has to be cruel intentions on Tommys part but rather that this sorta narrative gets forced down traumatised peoples throats CONSTANTLY (sometimes with good intentions) and it’s such a bullshit rhetoric and it’s even more bullshit to use that line while talking about this found family/pseudo father he has nearly dying

Also yeah that’s definitely what that “exactly” was meant to be like yup a dead dad would at least be less traumatising, a lot easier to explain, and probably easier on my therapist than this clusterfuck but alas

BUCKS SPEECH TO CHRIS- okay lots of thoughts on this because my mom got confused and picked thought daughter:

Do I love that the writers low-key made it sound like he’s comparing Eddie to the Buckley parents? no I hate it but KR was writing for this ep so what did we expect

Do I think a marginally better way to interpret it is that it was more so continuing that theme of paralleling buck and Chris’ issues? Yes

Are the basic and I mean like the very abstract very simple and nothing further parallels there? Yeah like parent not over their grief causes conflict between parent and child

Other than that no not at all Eddie never involved Chris in this, Kim came over with her Shannon cosplay without telling him, Eddie also never intentionally emotionally harmed Chris while the Buckley parents spent bucks entire life intentionally being the absolute worst™️ and emotionally neglectful and were shit parents to Maddie too by forcing her to pretend her brother didn’t exist while she was a child and mourning said brother

But I also think it’s actually very in character for buck to continue to sympathise with them and cut them an impossible amount of slack by trying to draw parallels to this situation like it’s less trying to paint Eddie more like them and more so using Eddie (someone he cares about and loves and sympathises with deeply) as a frame of reference to mentally try to humanise and sympathise with his own parents - idk if I’m making sense but in my head it makes sense

Like it’s actually a pretty common thing you see with traumatised people they’ll sorta draw parallels that aren’t there between themselves or the people they care about and the people who traumatised them because a lot of traumatised people will just constantly seek to understand that perspective more and sympathise with it like hell I’ve seen it with the people in my life doing it and it’s like woah those situations are very different I need you to recognise that

Loved hearing your view of it and it totally made sense!!!

Gonna see if there are any quick asks I can answer before I get back to my revision cos I definitely yapped more than I expected for this

[mx-nii]

All of my hyperfixations - past and present - are merging into a chaotic bundle of the Triple Ts (terribly traumatized twinks) and slowly driving me insane.

I can’t focus on my day to day life when I’m constantly thinking of terribly traumatized twinks (not all of them are twinks BUT THEY ARE ALL GAY)

Like genuinely how am I supposed to focus on such trivial matters like pre-calc or my collapsing relationship with my father when all I can think about is:

how Heartstopper isn’t just a cringe teen show, it’s a beautiful representation of being young and queer, and how struggling with mental health can severely impact your most formative years - Charlie had friends and yet still felt completely alone and like he couldn’t burden them with his pain because mental illness fucks with your brain so deeply, it’ll make you believe you have nothing and no one when you may actually have something and someone

or how Dead Boy Detectives isn’t just a silly ghost show (although it’s a wonderful silly ghost show), its a show about how friendship and love can be the most powerful thing in your arsenal (aside from a magic cricket racket) and how your past can haunt (ha) you and how the constant fear of becoming who you hate most in the world will always linger in the back of your mind but your true family can keep you safe and help you heal, and how fucking impossible it is to be gay or a POC at the wrong place, in the wrong fucking time - and maybe you won’t be able to find any peace in your current situation but there is peace out there somewhere, waiting for you patiently. (Charles and Edwin found their peace in their own homebrew afterlife, but seeing as we are mere servants of the mortal plane and not transdimensional beings, we shall have to suffice with sculpting our own peace out of this terrifying world because we fully damn well can, and we deserve it)

or how she-ra isn’t some goofy kid show; it’s a show about how being groomed and manipulated can destroy a child’s psyche so much that it will take years to rebuild (also it’s gay as fuck). catra wasn’t cruel (okay maybe she was just a bit but hear me out guys- I’m due for a rewatch and all I remember is I love that woman more than life itself), she was abandoned again and again and again and all she wanted was for adora to stay, so she wouldn’t be alone anymore, not again. And finally- FINALLY she stayed (giving us one of the most cinematic scenes in history [so just this once, adora: stay]). Adora and Catra are two sides of the same coin. They were both subject to the mental and physical torture of Shadow Weaver and they both responded in different ways due to their own personalities and differences in how they were treated - but they found each other in the end, and always protected each other because that’s what best friends (specifically the really really gay ones) do.

or how the owl house ALSO isn’t a silly kids show, but instead another show about abuse and trauma and growing up queer, and how healing and freeing acceptance is (oh and also some more child soldiers). Amity was so mean to people because meanness and cruelty was all she knew, until Luz took the time to dig a bit deeper and find the real Amity buried deep inside - and how Luz and Amity, even at such a young age, in such a dangerous and confusing world, were ALWAYS there for each other, no matter what

or how 9-1-1 is deeper than just a random fire fire show. It depicts all sorts of personal struggles like post partum depression, PTSD, anxiety, trauma, child neglect/abuse, depression, abandonment, death, foster care, divorce, and ofc: suppressed queerness/comp het! (Eddie literally put Buck in his will and made him the designated legal guardian for Christopher - if that ain’t gay, idk what is)

or how criminal minds has one of the most tragically beautiful found family tropes whilst being a show about the literal scum of the earth? How even in such gruesome circumstances, these people banded together and made the most beautiful family.

or how Percy Jackson is a kids/teen book but delves into such deep and tragic topics so well. Child soldiers, child abuse, being queer at the wrong place and time, coming to terms with being queer, child soldiers, DID I MENTION THE CHILD SOLDIERS??

or how Epic uses expert music theory and lyricism to convey a gorgeous tragedy in the best way I’ve ever seen

or how the grishaverse had so much potential, and is a brilliant literary universe but was BUTCHERED on screen, wasting one of the best casts I’ve ever seen

Genuinely how do I move on with my life when I can’t stop thinking about this (and so many more thoughts that I don’t have the energy to write out at 3:30AM)

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

Hype's Holiday Drabbles, day 11-20

[Day 1-10]

All my fics written for the @steddieholidaydrabbles, day 11-20

Artwork by @house-of-the-moving-image

Eddie Munson's royal fuck-up

Prompt: Royalty AU | Rated: G | CW: none | Tags: Rockstar Eddie Munson; Royal Steve Harrington; Meet cute; Flirting; Secret Identity; Sort of angsty/open ending

Late night surprise

Prompt: Only one bed | Rated: G | CW: Aftermath of trauma | Tags: Fuff; Humor; Post Vecna; Established relationship; Platonic Stobin supremacy; There may be several beds, but only one of them has Steve in it | Artwork link

Something to see

Prompt: Roadtrip/Vacation | Rated: G | CW: none | Tags: Modern AU, established relationship, honeymoon, Steve is Dustin’s dad | Set in the same universe as Someone who cares

Eddie Munson's second chance

Prompt: Angst with a happy ending | Rated: G | CW: referenced child neglect/abuse | Tags: Modern AU, Royalty AU, Royal Steve Harrington, Rockstar Eddie Munson

Blast to the past

Prompt: Time travel | Rated: T | CW: Mild blood and gore; Mild horror; Monsters | Tags: Steve Harrington whump; Magic; Time travel (duh); Royal Eddie Munson; Steve Harrington needs a break | Artwork link

Too hot to be true

Prompt: Modern AU | Rated: T | CW: none Tags: Modern AU; | Podcaster!Eddie; Steve and Dustin are brothers; sexual tension

Just another manic Monday

Prompt: Platonic Stobin | Rated: G | CW: monsters |Tags: Urban fantasy AU; Magic AU; Creature AU; background Steddie; background Buckingham | Artwork link

We got each other (and that's a lot)

Prompt: Hurt/Comfort | Rated: M | CW: Violent imagery; aftermath of injury |Tags: Steve got vecna'd (he's okay, though); Angst; Trauma; Fluff | Artwork link

To the victor the spoils

Prompt: Enemies to lovers | Rated: T | CW: light blood and violence; steamy kissing; very light dubcon if you squint (they're actually both super into it, I promise) | Tags: Fantasy AU; Magic AU; Guard!Steve; Thief!Eddie; Sexual tension; Flirting; Fighting; First kiss | Artwork link

A flower for a flower

Prompt: Magic AU | Rated: T | CW: Sexually explicit language | Tags: Fantasy AU; Knight Steve Harrington; Witch Eddie Munson; Repaying debts; Open ending

[Day 21-31]

[fantasylover145]

Whilst, I'm glad that Bobby is going to come face to face with one of the survivors of what happened to his family and see Eddie actually grieve and get closure, we've dealt with Bobby and his grief for the last six or so seasons. Plus, we had an entire season of Eddie going to therapy and getting better, I'm just kinda sad to see more Eddie angst, i just want him happy. And I love Eddie and I am glad he will finally deal with his grief and get closure, stop looking at the past with rose coloured glasses and move forward to have healthier and happier relationships. Despite this storyline really creeping me out a little, it's still vital for his health and recovery.

However, I honestly want more main storylines to focus on Chimney, Athena and Hen. I feel like they give a lot of the big long storylines to the white main characters (Maddie, Bobby & Buck). I definitely do want Buck to have a breakdown after all the shit that he has been through, but it looks like we're never going to get that. Since the writers always brush off his trauma like it doesn't matter, just so they can put him through more. I want him to get the therapy he actually needs and focus on his passive suicidal and self harm tendencies due to his childhood emotional neglect. Buck needs to actually deal with how he feels like he has to keep giving pieces of his body away to feel worthy and that if he isn't doing something for someone he's worthless, since he was born to save people, which could really affect how he views his relationships as conditional. Also, I would love a possible ADHD diagnosis storyline that would be amazing, since that would be so important to show people getting diagnosed later on in life and the negative affects that can have on them, their relationships and their health.

But mainly, I want to see more of Athena dealing with the trauma that comes with the job, how the kidnapping of Harry affected her, her grief and devastation of losing her first love. I'm so glad we got to see her finding out what happened to that little girl, but we need more storylines focused on her. I loved that storyline where she was finding the rapist, how badass she was, but also the terror, the fear and intensity. Hated that she got hurt, that will always be one of the most painful moments for me.

But I need it to focus on her not on Bobby and how Bobby felt about her going back to work, I hated when he lied to her and sympathised with a women who purposely drove drunk with her child in the back and then basically said it was payback for not discussing returning to work. Also, I want to see her adjusting to her job and the new intense fear she has of losing her kids, her calling them because she had a nightmare or as soon as she hears about a child being kidnapped because she needs the reassurance that they are okay. I need more of Athena going on her journey with therapy. Moreover, I want her to heal and I would love to show her and Bobby connecting over losing the first love of their lives and her remembering him.

Furthermore, I need more of Hen actually dealing with the traumatic stuff that happens to her at work. They put Hen through not ONE but TWO separate occasions of different people dying and her being accused of wrongdoings because of it and it not being her fault. We got one ep of her dealing with the car crash in therapy but that was it?! And then they brought up old wounds with that guy dying at the scene after he refused care and people made her think it was her fault AGAIN and we're supposed to move on?! Like neither of those were her fault, I wish they made it clearer to her. I wish Chimney stood by her more because he was the only one that actually saw everything and KNEW the patient refused care and that you can't force it on them. I wish we got to see her struggle with trusting her judgement more and how that trauma affected her. Her dealing with that in therapy, her thinking maybe it's a pattern. Also, I'd like to see her dealing with how she got shot when she was younger, her relating to both Eddie and Bobby and how that changed her life.

I fucking hate that they are forcing everyone to forgive their shitty family. So I really want to see more of how Chimney grew up, if he stayed with the Lee's whilst his mother was going through cancer treatment, what he felt when he realised his father completely abandoned his mother to die alone, how he probably felt like an orphan. I want to see how his dad could possibly make up for all of that, I want Chimney to get the space he deserves to say decades worth of anger and resentment and have his dad actually listen, more than we already have. I'm so glad he wasn't at the wedding but I'm sad Albert wasn't, I wish we got to see more of how similar Albert and Chim are. I find it so hilarious that they are both terrible liars, I wish we got more brotherly bonding moments and maybe Chimney helping Albert find his place in the world, even if it's not firefighting.

I love Bobby but honestly after him having SEVEN seasons of basically the same storyline over and over again, I am a bit tired of it. I know it's realistic and shows a natural progression of grief, trauma, addiction recovery and finding new triggers. I'm not saying it's not important or trying to devalue the storyline, but there are also other really important stories that could be told, especially with the main poc characters! The others don't get as much recognition and they so deserve everything and more!! They don't get to grieve over SEVEN seasons for the loved ones they have lost, they don't get the same treatment and I wish they would.

[dadsbongos]

Request if you'll take it! I love the scenario of eddie being assigned as disabled!reader's "shadow" (requesting the disabilities being autism, generalized anxiety, and them using a cane).

Like it starts out kinda awkward bc reader doesn't wanna be a bother but eddie, so rarely afraid to make a fool of himself, makes him assisting reader feel more like a game instead of him being obligated to help.

Reader and eddie really balance each other out, reader helping him keep focused on studying by associating subjects with his interests and explaining things from a different perspective. Eddie helps reader get out of their shell, and reader keeps eddie out of trouble.

Internally, they both think the other is way too good for them.

i hope it’s okay that i modeled the use of reader’s cane after my own disability (chronic fatigue, specifically weakness of the legs/muscles)

2.8 K words 

warnings - outcasting but u and eddie are outcasts together, not proofread, i very intentionally didn’t use the term “aspergers” even though it’d be more timely accurate i DON’T wanna hear it

SUMMER - 1985.

Eddie initially signed up for the shadow program in his first senior year. He enjoyed being an outrageous 6-hour portion of someone’s life while making sure a neglected part of society was paid attention to. He’s signed up every senior year since.

“Do you want me to get that?” Eddie watches, cheek rested in his hand, as you bend and stretch from your chair to pick up a stray pencil. 

It’s just out of reach, every brush of your fingertips seeming to push it farther. Your face burns hot under Eddie’s watchful gaze and you click your tongue, “Still no, Eddie.”

“I hope this isn’t a pride thing.”

“It isn’t.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Eddie- I’m not- !” you shoot up, sucking in a breath and blowing a loose strand of hair out of your face, “Fine. Get it for me.”

It wasn’t a pride thing. You just hated over-relying on the supposed Satanist, even without the sighs and subtle off-glances you’ve gotten from people in the past - it still felt like you were bothering him.

And Eddie knew that. He was handed a file about you after signing the yearly confidentiality contract.

Neurotic and acutely aware of themselves.

Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean, Eddie didn’t bother digging out his old middle school dictionary. But he can see your fiddling fingers and raw-bitten lips and assume some of what that file meant. 

It didn’t hurt that he could actually recognize one of the words in there. Diagnosed Autism. That helped.

The shrill bell rings and your fellow library occupants pack up and stride off quickly. Eddie, barely having taken out any of his own materials, soon begins unzipping your bag and replacing all your books and pencils. Smacking his hand away, you unhook your cane from its makeshift purchase on the redwood table lip, using it as leverage to stand from your chair. 

“I can put my own shit away, Munson,” you sneer - all glass and plastic and he easily melts the veneer away with an eye roll.

“Again, I hope this isn’t a pride thing.”

“I’m not a child,” you bristle, brows furrowed and tapping against the cold, smooth wood of your cane - eyes falling down to your shoes and posture slumping into itself, “I can do things on my own, Munson.”

“Hey,” he’s had this happen before, and that’s why he prides himself on how well he handles this situation. He’s learned how to move and grin and control his tone when this conversation comes up, because above all he loves to be useful, “I know you can,” carefully, he braces a tender hand on your shoulder, “But you get a whole, what? Almost seven hours to do things by yourself at home, assuming your goody two-shoes ass goes to bed at ten. I just wanna help, but I’ll back off if you want me to.”

Considering the proposal, you shrug - still pouting, “I’m not a goody two-shoes.”

“Yeah,” he lugs up your bag from the floor, it thunks heavy on the table, “Okay.”

FALL - 1985.

He walks a few paces ahead of you, leaving you to pack back up on your own. He stands there patiently, staring out one of the windows of the door as if he can see a movie through the glass. You’re excited to make him carry your big backpack for so much as suggesting you were a wet blanket.

“What’re you doing for Halloween?” Eddie drapes his jacket over your shoulder as the two of you sit outside.

“I’m not cold,” you go to take it off but he steps back and away, snatching your cane and hooking it on the edge of the picnic table you’ve both snuck away to. 

“Then pretend you are,” he dramatically fans himself with both hands, groaning as he plops onto the cool metal table beside you, “‘cuz I’m boiling, princess.”

“You’re so annoying,” you pinch his arm and he gasps, cupping the flesh as though you’ve burned him.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he leans all the way back, head hanging off the edge of the table - hair brushing the fallen, orange and yellow leaves below. 

“Because I’m not doing anything,” his eyes widen in apparent shock and you shake your head, laying down beside him - though with more caution and much slower, “I’m eighteen, Eddie. I’m too old for that.”

One could also argue you’re too old to be doing something as childish as skipping a pep rally with your forced-proximity buddy, beloved super senior Eddie Munson.

But he hates pep rallies as much as you do. The eyes that stare and linger as you walk in - the little points and side-eyes nobody thinks you notice. You’re slower and less balanced and they find it as odd as the way you never meet their eyes when you talk. Eddie hates how people scoot away when you both pass. How they whisper his name.

So he made a decent proposition.

“Wanna skip it? I know a good spot.”

And you made an easy answer.

“God, yes. Where?” 

Your fingers tap, tap, tap against the divots of the silver picnic table. A burning like the sun in your chest as Eddie’s sweet eyes rest on you. You hope he finds you pleasing to look at, and it’s strange because you’ve never felt so strongly like this before.

You know insecurity and you know worry, but nothing like what Eddie does to you - and in terror, you’ve come to realize what it means.

“You are never too old to celebrate All Hallow’s Eve, sweetheart,” he looks like a sweet angel.

You think you like him.

“I feel too old,” you gesture down to your knees, “I’m gonna need you to carry me off the damn table when we go back.”

“And I’ll be glad to,” Eddie says that like it’s a promise, “But you need to tell me what we’re gonna do for Halloween, ‘cuz there’s no way I’m just gonna let you sit around all night.”

“What if I want to?”

“Then you’re lying,” he rolls over, shirt bunching up and you can see the skin of his lower side and stomach - if the metal is freezing cold, he doesn’t show it, “Because I know you, and I know you’d hate to be alone all night.”

You can’t lie for shit, especially to Eddie. And you’ve found yourself so willing to let him know you like that, you think it initiated as the need for a friend after so many people willingly overlooked you. It’s quickly become something else.

“We could just dress up,” you shrug. He raises a brow, pure disbelief, “Watch scary movies…” both brows shoot up now, interest coming through, “Eat a bunch of candy?”

“Now you get it,” he nods, hand wildly flailing for yours and entwining your fingers, “God, you’re a genius when you wanna be.”

“I want to be one all the time.”

“Then, there you go.”

You’re glad for Eddie’s jacket, when you can pull the lapels tighter around your face and pretend heat doesn’t positively boil your cheeks. 

“What’re you gonna go as?” you turn to him, squeezing his hand tight and feeling the sun in your chest churn into a black hole that simply sucks your heartbeat away when Eddie matches your stare, “C’mon, for Halloween. What’re you gonna be?”

“A sexy gargoyle, maybe,” his dimples are on full display when you giggle at his joke, “You?”

“You stole my idea,” you pretend to huff, mind blanking at his sugary smile.

“Sorry, princess, maybe next year you’ll just have to be faster in getting an idea.”

Next year. Next year? 

WINTER - 198?.

Does he want to see you after graduation, then?

Eddie graciously accepted your invitation to keep you company on New Year’s Eve. With your family out on their own quest, which you insisted they go without you. You won’t be telling Eddie that you were really just worried to the point of nausea over slowing their fun. You also won’t be telling him that you choose him specifically because he’s the only person you’ve never felt so worried around. 

You feel confident enough to declare that he’s content lounging around your couch watching the New York ball drop.

“Are you sure this is fine?”

Or, at least, you’d like to feel confident enough.

“I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else,” he insists everytime you ask, but you both feel like that won’t make the questions stop. Not that he’ll ever stop answering. 

You’re curled together on the couch (“For warmth,” Eddie’s lips stretched up high and sweet like the cream-fat cat as he slithered an arm across the back of the couch, “And fun?”). Hands politely splayed over your lap and Eddie’s resting just above your shoulder, his other hand on the arm of the couch. Like the old middle school dance neither of you got asked to, hands are far from anything scandalous to the public. 

“Sucks I won’t have a kiss,” you never do - people find you odd. You’ve seen the scribbles on your file. Previous shadows never stuck around like Eddie does, they thought you were odd. 

“Same,” his chest puffs up, absurdly faux confidence when he looks over at you and decides to be the one wearing big boy pants, “Should? You know,” his tone keeps dipping inappropriately - in unfamiliar ways that make Eddie harder to read than usual, “Should we?”

You like Eddie for the fact he’s so unwilling to hide himself behind a “cool guy” veneer. His feelings are on his face and you don’t have to fight an eyebrow twitch over a snarl to figure out his intentions. It’s freeing to you.

And now you can see nothing other than the nervousness in your own veins, it’s probably why you find yourself already willing to nod and shuffle closer.

Instead, your eyes find the clock slung above the fat TV and as fireworks snap, crackle, pop outside your windows - 12:01. 

“Hm,” Eddie can read your face well, too. You’re one in a handful that he feels entirely comfortable with, in fact. He can spot a minute downturn of your lips and feel reliable saying you’re disappointed, “Past midnight.”

The apparent disappointment is also why he’s not sweating over whether or not to commit and say, “I’ll still kiss you anyway.”

Instinctually, your hand flies up and over your mouth, but Eddie can see the upturned corners of your lips - it saves him from utter and entire embarrassment. After the initial shock, your shoulders slump back - hands returning to their perch in your lap. Baby cow eyes trained on you, and the fireworks outside are unmatched by what plays in his eyes when you jerkily nod.

“Yeah,” your bottom lip tugs between your teeth.

And he has the nerve to giggle like it doesn’t make your heart violently slam into your ribs every time he does.

“Yeah?” he leans closer.

“I’ve never kissed before,” you swallow the nervous lump in your throat, hands still in your lap even as one of Eddie’s cups your cheek, “So, if I’m bad- “

He cuts you off sweetly enough, just his lips on yours. It’s a childish peck if anything, but your heart thumps and sings as if it were something steamy anyway.

“I was Romeo in my sixth grade play.”

“That’s kinda morbid,” he stares at you like a dream - how he might stare at a mountain of gold, ���To have a Romeo and Juliet production in elementary school.”

“It was super morbid,” you want to sink your teeth into his shoulder, just to leave a mark that you two were together. He’s blindly agreeing to you, only to quickly cover up with, “Can I kiss you again?”

“Now it’s way past midnight.”

12:06.

“You can say ‘no’,” he backs away slightly, but now your hands dart up, burying into the bunched material of his sweater.

Eye contact is difficult when your nerves are like stroking flints, but you both really try now - you especially as you murmur, “What if I don’t want to say ‘no’?”

SPRING - 1986.

“Oh, sweetheart, don’t tease me.”

Another season, another sport, another pep rally - another pep rally skipped. You sit at Eddie’s infamous picnic bench, side-by-side, as you wait for his newest customer. It’s nice to have a pep rally-skipping buddy.

Unfortunately, with graduation looming ever closer, it makes you wonder if he’ll want to be your special buddy when there’s no pep rallies to skip, or general population to make cringe. You hope so.

Until that conversation, you sit perturbed at the idea that the proclaimed “Queen of Hawkins High” is going to be buying weed from your Eddie Munson.

“You’re shitting me.”

“You wish, pervert,” Eddie roots through his black lunchbox, “Chrissy Cunningham is just excited to be a rapscallion.”

You ‘tsk’ and shake your head at your boyfriend (not admitting to the butterflies that flip-flap in your gut at Eddie’s title of boyfriend), “You’ve been a shadow since forever, but sell drugs? You’re a little enigma.”

“I love to surprise,” he leans over the side of the table and peeks out at the trail Chrissy should be wandering down. Quickly, his attention switches back to you and he plants a fat kiss on your cheek, “I only aim to satisfy.”

“Me, specifically, I hope.”

“Don’t hope, it’s already a fact,” he spikes the trail again, “Anyway, you free this weekend?”

SUMMER - 1986.

For all his checking, Eddie ends up too busy trying to plan out a “sleepover of the ages” with you at his trailer this weekend to notice Chrissy’s approach. Jumping a couple feet high when her sweet voice peeks through the softly breathing woods and its chirping birds.

Eddie stands with you as your name is called by principal Higgins, he holds out an arm and you decide to lock with him. He knows the risk of being taken down in a fit of gowns and tangled limbs if his added weight trips you up on your cane, but he always says he’ll never allow it to happen (“I’m your faithful knight, I’ll never let you fall.”). 

Stars pop in his eyes as you string up the stage and take the diploma you’ve been schlucking through your nightmare goop of a high school for. You can sense his pride and you hope he feels yours - you hope he knows you prize him.

He’s there to collect you as soon as you’re off stage, his kiss on your forehead is loving and he whispers a nice, “Congratulations.” 

You bop him in the chest with your tightly rolled diploma, “Congratulations yourself, Munson,” bolder than that Winter moment, you kiss him, “You earned it.”

He doesn’t know how he deserves your love, and if he asked - you’d say the exact same thing. 

As Nancy Wheeler gives her big, proud valedictorian speech, you and Eddie lean into one another. Not for warmth this time, just because. Because you both can and enjoy it and want more. 

“So…”

“So?”

“So,” you grab his arm under yours, winding tightly together as if he’d ever run away from you, “did you - well - did you wanna date after graduation?” his brows shoot up into his hairline, you speak again before he can even think of a reply, “Or is this just a weird ‘forced proximity’ one year stand for you?”

FALL - 1986.

Eddie snickers and nods slowly, bringing up the hand that binds over his and smooching your knuckles, “I was just gonna ask you the same thing.”

“Careful,” Eddie glares - the most vicious and stern you’ve seen him - at the man sitting beside you at The Hideout’s bar, “This was expensive, we’d like to not have to replace it.”

“Eds, it’s fine,” you carefully hook your cane back on the thin gold bar beneath the black, stained counter. It was something Eddie simply begged the owner of The Hideout to install so you didn’t have to pray for the cane to simply not fall over.

Your beau verbally backs down easily enough, but the level stare remains. The man that almost rocked your cane right onto the scratched, hardwood floor puts his hands up in mock defense and huffs away to the side.

“I doubt it would’ve broken from a fall, sweetie,” you grab Eddie’s hand, feeling stiffness in his muscles.

“Still, he should have more respect,” he pouts and you find it impossible to lecture him further, “I would.”

“I’d hope so, you’re my boyfriend,” you tease, leaning into his side.

“No,” he copies your tone, pinching your side, “If we were strangers. I’d be so polite, you wouldn’t believe it.” 

You go to reply but Eddie catches Gareth’s eye over your shoulder, he huffs and groans - always hesitant to leave you for his set with Corroded Coffin.

“Go on,” you spur him, patting his back, “Go become famous.”

“Alright,” he frowns heavier than before, all theatrics, before pecking your cheek and beginning to stalk off, “Off to become famous.”

But not without a small heel click, just so he can hear one final laugh from you before performing. Every time, he claims it’s like a good luck charm.

[fandoms-in-law]

Stories Chapter 2

chapter 1

Chapter Summary: Robin and Steve get to Steve's house and after dancing around Steve's reaction to his notebooks being found get distracted by something bigger

Warnings: child abuse and neglect, suicidal indeation (all warnings are for things that happened in the past of the story, not the present)

/\/\

That evening came too soon for Steve, but he was at least able to focus on the fact he and Robin were closing meant all the kids should be in their homes before he got to his, so only Eddie and Robin would have any opportunity to ask any questions.

Eddie was waiting on the sofa when Robin and Steve got there, cuddling one of the notebooks Steve had definitely asked to be put in his room and ignored.

"It's the one Lucas borrowed to take notes in. Don't worry, after your call I moved him next to me so neither he nor any of the other brats could keep reading your writing. He stuck to just the pages at the back he was taking notes on before they decided to see what these are hidden for." Eddie explained before anything could be said. "I said it's your choice if the pages are torn out for him to add to his dnd notes or he needs to copy them from one of the others.”

Steve nodded after a moment, holding a hand out to get his notebook back before heading to the kitchen. "I need dinner and a drink if Robs is set on actually talking about this shit. But thanks for that. It's just private stuff though, stupid nonsense."

"Didn't seem stupid to me, but you're right. There's no pressure to talk about anything you don't want to." Eddie countered but got up to follow him through.

"There is. It's something I should work through and this one is set that we're going to help each other through the trauma we've faced whether that's Hawkins hell related or not apparently." Steve sighed, tuning out Robin's reply and the conversation that grew between her and Eddie as he focused on cooking a simple pasta.

"Dinner and are you planning to bring up the elephant in the room now, or after we've eaten?" Steve asked eventually, turning around with the plated food and going to the fridge to grab drinks out.

Eddie hummed, "You okay if we say now? I mean this seems to be making you more tense the longer it's delayed and they are just some stories."

"I'm fine and no. They're what was needed for King Steve to exist! These are pages telling me the monsters can be defeated, that we can be safe in a town sitting atop hell like Hawkins is." Steve shook his head, hand automatically going to his notebook to prevent anyone else taking it even though neither moved.

Robin shrugged after a moment. "Why did king Steve need to exist if you had to write stories to be him? Stories you can't stand us knowing about let alone sharing."

"Want me to list what a Harrington is for you? Cause you won't find stories, read or written or simply dreamt anywhere in there." He huffed, eating before he could say anything more and wondering if he could get out of answering too many questions by keeping his mouth full. It didn't seem likely; if he tried they'd just wait until he finished.

Eddie confused him however by looking around the room, wandering into the living room for a moment. "You know I've wondered before why there are no book here and assumed they're all just kept in cupboards or something. You're telling me that no, you're just not allowed them? Seriously? Fuck money if it means you can't have stories! That's fucked up Stevie!"

"It's what my life has been. Fit the expectations, never give away the times I struggle to reach them and keep our name important to the town." Steve stated.

There must have been something in his voice or expression because Robin shared a look with Eddie before asking, "What happens if you don't meet their expectations?"

"This, at first at least." He gestured broadly to the house around them, empty as always. "Then later things like the pool heating being turned off so I either couldn't practice or risked hypothermia each time, being kept from school trips, and you know money was cut off when I didn't get into college. That wasn't the first time though. They were never here way before then and the amount they left for me to survive on was based on how well I was meeting their expectations. The amount they sent for extended trips just the same."

Neither knew how to respond to it and after a few moments of seeing Robin and Eddie both try to think of what to say Steve continued, "Do you get it now? Everything has to be what they want or that could happen again. It can't - I can't - I've no fucking clue how to let it go because it's still hovering there. Doctor Owens said they'd do something after realising my parents weren't around to confirm the keep quiet payment, but that just got me paperwork."

Robin frowned at that, then clapped her hands. "Show us this paperwork then dingus. Maybe he did do something since we got full bank accounts to keep our mouths shut. Didn't you?"

"Third time, this time, yeah. I guess I did." Steve said after thinking for a moment.

"I'm calling Nancy. You two chat." Robin declared. "Don't give me that look. I'm just asking what she and Mike got for keeping shtum. They've been in this from the start so she'll know if getting paperwork is weird which I'm sure it is."

They watched her disappear into the living room before Steve jumped up to clear their plates away. "I could swear she's waiting as long as she can before asking to look in the notebook."

"Was Dnd what you meant when you said I do things daily you'd prefer to face Russians than do?" Eddie asked instead of responding.

"Just sharing stories." He shrugged. "I just want to feel safe enough for that."

"I hope I'm someone that can happen around, Stevie. The bit I read before realising you probably wouldn't want us reading that was really good. You've been telling yourself stories for a while, haven't you?" Eddie's voice was soft, gentle as he watched Steve decide to clean the dishes.

Steve paused in his movements before glancing back at him almost shyly. "I think you will be. I've thought about showing them to you before, but it's just-"

"Everything drilled into you mind by the genetic excrement you came from." He finished, making Steve laugh when he understood the insult to his parents.

"And Nancy agrees it's weird you got paperwork instead of a full bank account. Where's the paperwork you got?" Robin called, coming back through and looking over the table as if expecting it to be there now.

Both men rolled their eyes. "It's in my room. If you're really set on looking through it then let's go. It's not gonna change anything. My parents still rule the house."

"Legally that might not be so." Robin tutted. "Let's go."

"I'm leading the way and putting my notebooks away before doing anything to get this paperwork out." Steve insisted, catching her shoulder to pull her back when she tried to hurry up the stairs ahead of him.

All his notebooks were out, scattered over his bed, some left open even and Steve didn't give his friends a chance to follow him in, slamming the door behind him to make sure nothing more was read of them. He couldn't bring himself to rush putting them away though.

These books felt like his friends just as much as the pair outside his door and the kids who caused all this were. He wouldn't risk damaging them or the stories that had comforted through pressures and nightmares alike.

Only once the were safely back in his wardrobe did he open the door to Robin's knocking that had been constant from the moment he shut it.

"How long did Dustin take to bring a notebook down for Lucas to take notes in?" he asked to Eddie, already having realised that he'd have been called earlier than he was if all his notebooks had been seen by everyone.

Eddie thought for a moment before admitting, "Long enough that Mike was about to rip pages from his notebook for Lucas and in his words 'drag Dustin to the game by his ears'. Erica volunteered to do the same."

"Which one looked through the notebook that convinced you to call me?" Steve knew how shy he felt over the subject was clear in how quiet his voice had become.

"Dustin again. When I called for a break he told Lucas to look in the front and got all the shitheads involved except for Erica who said she'd murder them if they acted like that over her notes and bet you would too."

Steve snorted at that. "Which was when you called me to prevent any murders?"

"Which was when I confiscated the notebook to check if it was private. I think there was a suicidal character on the page they were looking at then. That's when I called you." Eddie was serious now, searching Steve's face for a reaction and clearly surprised when he relaxed a little more then.

Steve just waved a hand, standing to start finding the paperwork from Doctor Owens. "Best way to story myself calm; project then have characters argue with it."

He froze when arms wrapped tightly around him, first one pair then another, halting his actions.

"You ever feel like that again, call me, call Robin, just fucking promise you'll let us help rather than just storying yourself calm." Eddie's voice was choked, rough and it took a moment of repeating the last things they said in his head for Steve to understand why.

"It wasn't a big thing, just thoughts after a nightmare. You know, middle of the night thoughts that mean fuck all in daylight." he tried to reassure. "I'm not going anywhere back then or now."

"Promise us anyway. We want to be here for you like you're here for everyone else." Robin insisted now, her grip on him tightening.

Steve huffed a laugh, hoping hearing it would help them relax that he's there and happy with them. "Fine, I promise that if ever thoughts of being better off dead are in my head I will try to reach out. Not saying for certain though."

"I guess that's good enough." They both pulled away, still watching him with concern.

"Can we focus on these pages and pages of nonsense that are meant to get me to keep quiet about the first two encounters with the Upside-down?" Steve let go of his wish to comfort them, opting for distraction instead. He quietly thought that since it would still be helping him they'd feel better doing that than the other distractions he was more tempted to use for himself.

Thankfully the pair accepted it, taking the pages, though still shooting concerned glances at him every so often. “So I'll take whatever you got the second time this happened and Robin can look through the first time things?” Eddie suggested, already taking the first pile out of Steve's hands and he pulled it out from his bedside table cabinet.

“I think it's all mixed together...” Steve mused, looking at the rest of the folders he'd put it in as he tugged it out. “You don't want me to go through it with you?” He asked a moment later, realising Eddie hadn't mentioned him.

Eddie chuckled slightly. “Stevie, if you actually cared what all this is, you'd have looked through it or tried to understand it before now. Or asked what it all is whenever Doctor Owens gave it to you. We're not going to force you into trying to understand it when you don't like 'paperwork' and the many things that word could include.”

“You could bake us some cookies or something to snack on while reading.” Robin suggested, recognising the feeling useless pout as he let it form. “I know you've been complaining about never getting to bake anything more interesting than sugar cookies or chocolate chip ones because the kids always ask for them.”

Steve looked between them for a moment. “I'm baking bread, then a Swiss roll. We can have French toast in the morning.” He decided.

…

He was halfway through baking the Swiss roll, doing some of the washing up in the short time it needed when he heard Robin come downstairs to the living room. “Yeah, hey Hopper, need some how to advice, you got a minute?” She said a moment later, piquing his curiosity enough that Steve moved to hover in the doorway between the rooms.

“Yeah, I want to know how Steve can change his landline number and how difficult it is to change the locks on doors?” If he wasn't already curious just because she was calling Hopper, that sentence had him hanging on every word, wishing he could hear Hopper's replies.

“You'll show us how this weekend? Seriously? Perfect and the phone? It's a company or phone line provider thing? Thanks, I'll get on with convincing him it's necessary then.” Steve felt like his eyebrows were about to detach and start climbing his hair with how high they must have gotten in surprise over what seemed to be implied that he'd be doing now. It definitely startled Robin when she turned although that might just have been that she wasn't expecting him to be in the doorway.

For a moment she hovered, waiting for him to speak or trying to think of something to say, Steve wasn't sure, but he needed to make sure the Swiss roll came out at the right time. “If you're already making plans like that for me, you're probably ready to come down here and start explaining what all those pages were. I bet not looking at them would be another way I've failed to meet my parents expectations.”

“Pretty sure if they know what they are, there's no complaints from those assholes that you haven't looked at them.” Robin grinned when he glanced back, heading to the oven. “But sure, Eddie and I will bring the important ones down now. Quick question first, how do you feel about redecorating?”

Steve froze where he'd been opening the oven. “It's not allowed. Mother will throw a fit if I even suggest getting rid of the plaid in my room.”

“Good answer.” Robin agreed cryptically, as if he'd said let's get wallpaper tomorrow instead of refused. She disappeared upstairs before anything else could be said.

Refocusing to ensure the Swiss roll was actually rolled before the cake would crack instead of rolling, Steve absently wondered if that was the point. If he was changing the locks, changing the phone number, then his parents wouldn't be able to access him or the house without knocking so he would be able to change things.

Thankfully that was finished before Eddie appeared in the kitchen, spinning Steve around and into a seat with the loud declaration of “You have a choice of good news, great news, and fucking fantastic but never tell the kids news.”

"I'd say start with the best but dude, do what you want. It's not like third place in your list is a bad thing." He laughed, gesturing for Eddie to continue.

"Well then, third place for awesome things found in your reward paperwork, your dad is a moron who I bet didn't read the papers the government got him to sign. You could claim ownership of almost anything from him as reward for the shit you've gone through and he can't argue because of this little page!" Eddie brandished the piece of paper as if it was a shield. "He gives you shit for not reading documents just point out he probably didn't either."

Steve smirked, taking the page and pretending to read it now. "He'd just fall back on the 'I trust the government' line until realising I could actually do this. Only thing I'd want is like ownership of here and money for bills."

"Perfect time for me to bring up that you already have that then!" Eddie cheered, another document pulled from behind his back. "Deeds to the house, irretractable and permanent unless you decide to sell. If you want the pool heating back on that's your choice to make."

Steve's jaw drops and he sags backwards before startling forwards from not finding the back of the chair when he expected to. "This is mine? Fully mine, not just 'pay the bills yourself since you failed to get into college' mine?" He repeated, staring around the house as if unable to process the news.

"Yeeesssss." Robin drawled out. "Which leads to the best of it all, you can decorate it however you like and I'm already saying the kids are not being told and should be banished from your house until its done because you Know they'll try to take over and correct any choice you make to their tastes."

Steve blinked at he for a moment before nodding in slow motion, clearly still not processing what it meant. "I can have posters and photos up in my room?" He asked.

"Your room, down here, anywhere. Hell you could plaster the fridge with embarrassing photos or artwork by the kids if you wanted to." Eddie gestured widely around the room as he spoke as if just waving would produce the pictures.

Steve carried on his slow nodding. "Right. This is my house and I can make it a home if I want too. Does that mean you two could move in so it isn't completely empty always?" He looked vulnerable, curling into himself as he realised what he'd asked.

Both of them laughed slightly, "We'll have to see about that. Seems like a big adjustment for all of us when you need the support here." Robin tried to gently reject the offer.

Eddie thought for a moment, watching Steve's reaction and letting the reason why he was asking settle into his brain. "If you can convince Wayne he doesn't need to check I'm alive and not on the run again then maybe in a month or two. We can have plenty more sleepovers before then as we help you though." He offered instead.

"That sounds good. I'd - Can we have a sleep over tonight?" Steve requested, looking between them.

The agreement for that comes easily, all three of them moving back to the living room to put a film on and have some of the cake Steve made.

chapter 3

[resident-gay-bitch]

Sunflower Boy

love comes back around, always

warnings: domestic violence, child neglect, blood, bruises

This was the worst day of Eddie’s life, ever. 

And no, he wasn’t being dramatic, it actually was. 

Eddie had been left alone in his house for three days - give or take - with no food, no running water, and no air conditioning. 

He was ten. 

A couple of days ago his dad got a job, he was like, a car salesman or something, and apparently it had gone super well, because he called Eddie and told him he was gonna be late. He was going for a beer or two. 

He never came home. 

Eddie’s mum was working too, though, that was more against her will. She would have preferred to be there with her son, however, her dad made sure of otherwise. Eddie didn’t know what his mum did, he just knew she wore really pretty clothes and makeup, would leave the house looking almost sick, and would come home smelling of alcohol, sweat, man, and something else kinda musky Eddie couldn’t exactly pin point. But she had left for a job, her longest one yet, up in Indy five days ago, and she wasn’t scheduled to come home until tomorrow night. 

Eddie was scared, hot, alone, and hungry. 

He didn’t know the way to Wayne’s house, or have his number and they didn’t have a phonebook. His neighbour across the hall, Mrs. Wittleson was a right bitch and hated Eddie and his parents. He couldn’t go to her. His neighbours to the left were scary, their apartment always smelt weird and in the middle of the night, right on the other side of Eddie’s wall, he’d hear screaming and moaning and slapping and sounds of pain. He was pretty sure they killed people or something. His neighbour on the right Mr. Crucks was a creepy man with a weird moustache that always offered him candy and looked at him funny. Eddie’s mum made him promise to never, ever, never talk to the man under any circumstances. Eddie never dared disobey his mum like that. The neighbours across the hall, beside Mrs. Wittleson, were away on holiday, and the other apartment was empty. Mould problem. 

So Eddie was stranded. 

He was worried for his dad, and so he did the only thing he knew to do. 

He called the cops. 

They’d asked him to explain his situation and he had told him how his dad went out to sell cars and never came home after celebrating the deal with a few beers, how his mum had been away all week on business, how the water bill was well overdue and he couldn’t even flush the toilet! He explained that it was so hot, and his mum said he wasn’t allowed to go into the ‘garden’, under the sprinklers for a cool down unless she was there because of that weird old Mr. Crucks. He said he hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning, because his dad was supposed to bring home the money so Eddie could go food shopping the other day, but he hadn’t yet, and he didn’t know how to call his uncle. 

Eddie was just hanging up the phone when his dad walked through the door, “Yes, thank you sir, I will- I can do that. Okay, thank you sir. Goodbye.” 

“Who ya talkin to?” 

“Dad!” Eddie grinned, the phone on the hook, “I was just calling the cop-”

“Whaddya say?” His dad marched over to his son, grabbing him tight by his little wrist, “Cops?” 

Eddie’s eyes were wet, “They… they were helping me find you.” 

“You fuckin- what’d ya tell ‘em?” 

“You hadn’t come home since your sale, and that I had no food, or anything.” 

“Fuckin idiot!” He smacked his son across the face, “You know we don’t call the pigs here.” 

“I didn’t know what to do.” Eddie sobbed, cradling his cheek, “I’m sorry, dad, I- I can-”

“You’re in big fuckin trouble, boy.” His dad shoved him up against the wall, a hand around his neck, “Y’ve fucked it all up, just had to fuck it all up.” 

“I’m sorry.” Eddie gasped, crying, trying to pry his dad’s hand away from his neck. 

“Whaddya fuckin sorry for. Useless little shit. Shoulda left you and your mother on the street”- 

Look, I won’t get too deep into it, but that ‘conversation’ went on for a little longer before they were distracted by red and blue flashing lights lit up the apartment. Eddie was terrified. He thought he was done for. He thought he was gonna get locked up and thrown in the can because he did something wrong. He didn’t know what, didn’t have the slightest idea, but his dad was scaring the shit out of him and Eddie thought he’d turned himself into a criminal by accident. So he did what he was taught to do when those lights flashed a little too brightly. 

He ran. 

He slipped out of his dads grip, right as the officers knocked on the door, and he slipped into the bathroom. He climbed up on the counter, kicked open the little window that always jammed, and wiggled his way out. His dad followed him in, trying to pull Eddie back inside, telling him he needed to face his consequences. But Eddie slipped free, and the window was too small for his dad to follow. 

Eddie fell into the dirt behind his apartment, and he ran. 

He ran for miles. 

It was hot, and he was tired, and hungry, but he ran. Hoping to bump into someone or somewhere he knew. 

He didn’t stop running until he realised that the houses flying by were nice. Like, really nice. Fancy and big with tall gates and green gardens. 

He was on the nice side of town, a place where he most certainly wasn’t welcome. Eddie slowed, letting himself wander the nice suburb, trying to find his way out of the maze of pretty houses. He hoped he wasn’t spotted here, no doubt some woman with a pearl necklace would call the cops about it. Then he’d be in even bigger trouble. 

He found a playground, by the woods. It was old and looked pretty rusty. There was another one, a better one on the other side of the field, Eddie could see. But that one had kids on it, over here, he could be alone. 

The sun was hot, the air was warm. 

This was his worst summer ever. 

He sat on the swing, rusty and squeaky, but he didn’t care. He sat on the swing, and poked around his face, feeling for where he was hurt. His vision was a little blurred, though, he wasn’t sure if that was from the black eye he was sporting or the tears. 

Maybe both. 

Eddie sat, and he looked up at the sky, at the sun with squinted eyes, and hoped it burned him. 

“Hi.” a little voice came from beside him. 

Eddie looked over to see a boy standing at the edge of the swingset. He had golden brown hair, rosie cheeks, a warm smile, and a yellow shirt under some overalls that were unevenly cuffed at the ankles. 

Eddie thought he might just be the prettiest boy he’d ever seen. 

“Hi.” Eddie said back, his voice small and quiet, hoarse from crying. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

Eddie swallowed and nodded his head. 

“Are you sure?” the boy asked again, “You look hurt.” 

“Just… had an accident.” Eddie offered, “Doesn’t matter.” 

“Okay.” The boy nodded, “Do you have any friends?” 

Eddie looked at him, thought for a moment, and shook his head, “Not really.” 

The boy smiled, “Me either… Well, I have one friend, but he’s kind of mean. We’re only friends because our dads are business partners, so we see each other at all their fancy events. Our mums say they are best friends too, but my mum secretly hates his mum.” 

“Okay.” Eddie had said, and looked back to the bark under his feet. 

“Do you want to be my friend?” 

Eddie looked up at him again, “Why?”

The boy furrowed his brow, “Because you look sad.” he shrugged, “Everyone deserves to have a friend when they are sad.” 

Eddie thought for a moment, letting his eyes droop, “I suppose.” 

The boy smiled, “Well, we can be friends then. I do like your hair, you look like… uh, I don’t know his name, but he sings that song, open your eyes and seee, i’m just a poor boy… la la la meee, easy come easy go… ahh…” he looked around a little awkwardly, hoping Eddie would catch on, “Mamaaa just killed a man….”

“Oh.” Eddie nodded, “I think I know him.” 

“Yeah.” The kind boy smiled. 

Eddie furrowed his brow, “We don’t look the same.” 

“But you both have long hair.” He giggled, “It’s cool. Rockstar.” 

Eddie couldn’t help but grin wide at that, it hurt his face, but he grinned anyway, “Thanks.” 

“No problem.” The boy sighed, “Can I sit next to you?” 

“Sure.” Eddie looked at the rickety swing beside him, “Here, have mine, that one looks broken.” 

“It’s okay-”

“No, it’s okay.” Eddie hopped up, and sat himself down on the broken one before the boy could protest, “You look too fancy to sit on broken things.” 

“I am not fancy.” the boy took a seat, “Hey, you warmed it up for me. Thanks.” 

Eddie giggled, “You have done your hair all nice, and your overalls are clean.” 

“All clothes are supposed to be clean.” 

“These are clean.” Eddie pointed to his jeans, “Got them out the cupboard this morning, but they have a paint stain on them here, and a ketchup stain on them here, and something else here.” 

The boy giggled, “My nanny hates stains.” 

“You have a nanny!” 

“Yeah, don’t you?” 

Maybe if he had a nanny, all of this bullshit would have been avoided and Eddie wouldn’t be a wanted criminal. But, he supposed, he never would have met this boy. 

“No, I don’t have a nanny.” 

“Oh.” the boy furrowed his brow, “It’s probably for the best, my nanny is a butthead.” 

Eddie laughed, “A butthead?” 

“Yeah.” the boy groaned, “She’s always telling me I need to brush my teeth for longer and eat my carrots. I hate carrots!” 

Eddie laughed some more, “You’re so fancy.” 

“Am not.” 

“Y’are.” Eddie smiled, “I only brush my teeth in the mornings, and most of the time, I just have microwave mac ‘n cheese for dinner or spaghettios.”

“Cool!” The boy grinned, “I wish I could have spaghettios for dinner.” 

Eddie sighed, finding himself frowning a little, “Spaghettios are not that good three times a week.” 

The boy pouted, “Maybe we should swap.” 

“I think so.” Eddie grinned, “Though, I’d probably get smacked for not being fancy enough in your house.” 

Steve shrugged, “My nanny doesn’t like smacking.” he sighed, “Mum and dad don’t even notice when I’m bad anymore.” 

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Eddie asked, “I wish my parents didn’t notice when I mess up.” 

The boy huffed, resting his head against the chain on the swing, “I suppose.” 

“So…” Eddie kicked the bark under his feet, “What’s your favourite song?” 

“Uhm,” the boy perked up, seemingly a little cheerier now that parents were not a topic of conversation, “Honey Honey by ABBA.” 

Eddie broke a grin, “That’s one of my mums favourites.” 

“Really?” The boy had wide eyes. 

“Yes.” Eddie nodded, “My favourite is… Immigrant Song by Led Zepp.” 

The boy looked confused. 

“You’ve never heard it, have you?” 

The boy shook his head. 

“Maybe you can listen to it, it’s so metal.” Eddie suggested with a sweet smile, “Maybe you will like Led Zeppelin.”

“Well… you’re cool, and you like them, so probably.” the boy shrugged, his kindness easy. 

Eddie hadn’t gotten such kindness from kids at school before. 

“How old are you?” 

“I’m nine and two quarters.” the boy answered, proudly, Eddie noticed he was missing a tooth. 

Wait, isn’t that just nine and a half? 

“I’m ten, almost twelve.” 

“Poop.” the boy sighed, “Means we won’t have class together.” 

“Oh.” Eddie looked to the ground, but his chest bloomed with warmth at the idea of this boy wanting to have classes with him, “We… never mind.” 

“What?” the boy had asked, eyes wide and sparkling. 

He was very pretty. 

“Maybe we could play at lunchtime.” 

The boy smiled, “Obviously.” he hopped up off the swing and started to climb the tower, “We could play lots of games. Do you like superheroes?” 

“Yeah.” Eddie smiled, following him up the tower, “I love superheroes.” 

“I wish I was superman.” the boy smiled, sitting down at the top of the old metal slide, it was probably burning hot, but he had long pants on. Eddie could see his matching mismatched rainbow socks, “He’s so cool.” 

“Yeah.” Eddie agreed, unable to help the smile he got when the boy slid down, letting out a giggle, “Batman’s cool too though. I like bats.” 

“Ooh, yeah.” the boy smiled, watching Eddie slide down now too, “He’s so cool… Maybe we can go as Batman and Superman to Halloween together.” 

Eddie stopped at the bottom of the slide, looking up at the boy, “You want to go to halloween together?” 

“Yeah.” He nodded, “I know where all the best houses are to get the biggest candy bars, plus, Miss Lorane across the street loves me and always gives me triple.” 

“Cool!” Eddie hopped up, he never got too many treats on halloween, most of them were from his mum. 

The boy rushed over to the seesaw, and Eddie followed, “Do you want to play superheroes now? Or would you like to play something else?” 

“Hmm…” Eddie thought superheroes did sound really fun, but he wanted to know what other games the boy had, “maybe.” 

“We could also play… cafe, and pretend to make food with the bark. Or we could play astronauts and climb to the top of the tower like it’s our rocket ship…” the boy hummed, letting his eyes wander, until he got an idea, and he got excited, “or maybe we can play doctors!” 

“Doctors?” Eddie asked, quirking an eyebrow, and his face hurt again. 

“Yeah,” the boy smiled, nodding rather aggressively, “I can make you all better.” 

Oh. 

Eddie felt his heart grow three sizes. 

“Okay.” 

The boy smiled, hopping off of the seesaw before dragging Eddie over to the tower. He sat him down under the shade of it, right by the slide, and got to work doctoring Eddie. He put on a funny voice, pretending to be a doctor of course, acting as if he had a stethoscope and everything. Eddie couldn’t help but smile as he watched the boy. The boy whose smile was as bright as the sun and who’s heart was as big as the sky. He was dressed in a warm yellow t-shirt, and perfectly clean denim overalls, and rainbow matched mismatched socks with stripes and polka dots under his sneakers, and he radiated kindness and warmth. 

Eddie really liked this boy. 

After they finished playing doctors, and Eddie’s face felt a little better, his heart feeling a lot better, they sat on the overgrown grass. They talked and talked and talked about stupid boy things, and picked at the grass and laughed. 

It was nice, Eddie thought, to have a friend like this. 

On the worst day of Eddie’s life, after he’d been abandoned for three days, starved, overheated, beaten, and sent on the run from the cops, he’d been sent this boy. Eddie thought he must have been an angel. He had to be. There was no other explanation about it. 

“Oh! Look over there.” the boy smiled, jumping to his feet and running for the treeline, “Daisies!” 

Eddie raced after him, both of them stopping at the patch of pretty white daisies with centres that matched the kind boy’s shirt, “What about them?” 

“Do you not like flowers?” the boy asked, leaning over to pick one, “My friend doesn’t like them either, says it’s weird for boys to like flowers. But my old nanny taught me all about them, she was so nice, but mum fired her because she always had her boyfriend around and wore shirts that showed too much skin apparently.” 

“Oh.” Eddie swallowed, “No, I just… I’ve never really thought about flowers much before.” 

“Hmm.” the boy smiled, handing his picked flower to Eddie before grabbing another, “Do you like these ones?” 

“I suppose.” Eddie shrugged, “They are pretty.” Not quite as pretty as you, though. 

The boy grinned, “Have you ever made a daisy chain?” 

Eddie shook his head, “I don’t even know what that is.” 

The boy gasped, squatting down to pick basically all of them, “You’re crazy, weirdo.” 

Eddie felt his stomach drop. Of course he’d fuck it up. He always fucked shit up. 

“I have to teach you.” The boy handed Eddie a bunch of flowers and went back to picking more, “Only weirdo crazy people don’t know about daisy chains, and we can’t have you being one of those any longer. You’re too cool for that.” 

Eddie smiled, all warm and fuzzy inside. 

Eddie couldn’t make daisy chains. 

His hands trembled too much, and he just couldn’t get it. He gave up after a while, happy to just watch Steve make his. He picked the petals of a couple of flowers he’d fucked up. 

“What’s your favourite flower then?” Eddie had asked, curious to learn more about this sunray of a boy. 

“Hmmm.” he had hummed, “I think… sunflowers.” 

“Why?” Eddie asked. 

“Well, I do like yellow the best. It’s so happy and bright.” the boy fiddled with the flowers in his hands, “And, did you know that sunflowers will follow the sun? They actually turn to look at the sun throughout the day, so they’ll always be in the light.” 

Eddie thought that was perfect. Sunflowers for this sunshine boy. Sunflower boy. 

“How about you, what flowers are your favourite, do you think?” 

“Uh…” Eddie wasn’t sure at all, other than sunflowers now, but he couldn’t very well say that, “I’m not sure.” 

“We’ll find you a favourite flower.” he smiled, lifting his daisy chain up to the sky to look at it, “I’m all done.” 

“Wow.” Eddie inspected it, the perfect circle of pretty white flowers with yellow centres, “It’s wonderful… how did you do it?” 

The boy laughed, “Magic.” 

“You’re so cool.” 

The boy smiled, cheeks tinted pinker, “It’s for you.” 

Eddie felt his heart jump into his throat, his eyes widened and he looked at the boy, “What?” 

“I made it…” the boy offered, both hands holding the crown out, “for you. I thought it would look nice in your hair.” 

Eddie’s chest felt impossibly tighter, “Do you think?” 

The boy smiled, and giggled in a honey sweet way, and leant forward on his knees to plant the chain on Eddie’s head, fixing it into place to make a crown, “Hey, it looks so pretty on you.” 

Eddie felt his cheeks go pink, “Really?” 

The boy nodded, “It suits you.” 

Eddie grabbed all the daisies from his lap and the ground around them, gathered them into a bunch and shoved them into the Sunflower boy’s chest (nicely of course). The boy giggled, and Eddie was infatuated with him. 

“What?” he had asked, holding the bunch of flowers, some of them facing the wrong direction. 

“For you.” Eddie had said, picking up the few flowers that dropped and handed them over as well, “Thank you.” 

The boy giggled, “You don’t have to give me these!” 

Eddie plucked one, the prettiest one he could see, and stuck it behind the boy’s ear, “There, now… pretty.” 

The boy bloomed pink, “You think I’m pretty?” 

Eddie nodded, “You’re prettier than all of these flowers and more.” 

Okay, so apparently Eddie was a little romantic. 

Sunflower boy turned pinker and dipped his head. 

“I think my favourite flower is a daisy.” Eddie had smiled. 

The boy looked up at him with soft eyes and a kind smile, “Perfect.” 

They both laid back on the grass, the bunch of daisies clutched in the boy’s hand, resting on his chest. They watched as the sky turned from blue to dusky orange and pink. Their pinkies intertwined between them, only a few sweet words said. 

Eddie thought he might be in love. 

“I have to go home.” his Sunflower boy had said, voice quiet and calm, “I’m not allowed to be out after dark.” 

Eddie frowned, “Okay.” 

“We can play at school though.” The boy smiled. 

Eddie felt a pang through his chest, “Do you mean that?” he’d asked, his eyes wide and pleading, “Not many people like me at school.” 

The boy smiled wider and held up his pinky, “I pinky promise to play with you every day at school.” 

This was definitely love, “Really?” 

“Of course,” he waggled his finger, “you’re my best friend.” 

Eddie locked his finger around his Sunflowers, offering his warmest, most genuine smile. 

There was silence for a moment, before Sunflower spoke again, “Would you like to come for dinner? You can eat my carrots.”

Eddie positively lit up, “Yes please.” 

The boy grabbed his hand and they ran. They ran through the field and down the streets, watching the sky disappear to darkness and the street lights switch on. Eddie held the crown atop his head and the boy clutched the daisy bunch tight. They laughed as they ran, or more so, giggled. 

Eddie wanted to hold his Sunflower boy’s hand forever. 

He was going to marry this boy. 

In the distance, Eddie heard the faint echo of a siren. His heart dropped. He stopped in the middle of the street, the boy stopped with him. Eddie looked around, frantic. 

“You okay?” the boy had asked, his hand holding Eddie’s a little tighter now. 

“Uh… yeah.” Eddie had said, right before his eyes fixed on a cop car down the road, “I need to go.” 

“What?” the boy had asked. 

Eddie turned to face him. He didn’t want to leave the boy. He didn’t ever want to say goodbye to this boy. Sunflower boy was his entire world and Eddie knew he loved him. He was positive. He’d never felt anything like this. 

Which is exactly why Eddie had to leave. 

He was wanted for crimes he didn’t know if he committed, he was in trouble, bound to get locked up. His dad had told him he was in big trouble, that he had consequences to face. Eddie just hoped they had a separate jail for kids. And this boy, his Sunflower boy, sweet and soft with a smile Eddie wanted to kiss away. Well, he was too good for a delinquent like Eddie. He was more deserving. Eddie wanted to keep him safe, to protect him from his rotten life. He wanted to keep his Sunflower blooming, facing the sun, and keep him in the light. If he’d stayed, and the cops found Eddie, they’d take his sunflower boy too no doubt. Lock him up for being Eddie’s accomplice or something. Cops were pigs, as his dad would say, always making up bullshit, looking to lock anyone a little rough or different up. 

Eddie couldn’t risk his flower being hidden from the sun. 

“I just… I have to go.” Eddie had said again, trying to pull away. 

But the boy didn’t let him go, just held him a little tighter, “Why? I don’t want you to go. I thought we were friends.” 

“We are…” Eddie said, “But I have to leave.”

“But why?” he’d asked again, eyes pleading for him to stay. 

“I just… I can’t explain it.” Eddie tried to pull away.

“I want you to stay.” His voice was wet, higher pitched, like a wine but sadder, “I’ll make you another daisy chain, if you’d like, or… we can have dessert. Anything you want. You can sleepover, if you like!”  

Eddie frowned, “I-” he heard the siren much closer, “I can’t.” 

“Please.” He’d pouted, and it broke Eddie’s heart. 

“I need to-” he saw the cop car come up the street, and Eddie’s heart jumped out of his throat, “No, this is weird! Yo- you’re… weird. I need to go.” he yanked his hand away, and he ran, daisy chain clutched to his chest. 

*

Eddie hugged his knees, looking down at the grass by his feet. He didn’t feel much, not really. Just… emptiness. Emptiness and content, almost. 

He had a few things to cross off his bucket list still. He thought he’d have a good few years to get through them, and under much different circumstances. But, he’d just have to make do with what he could. 

Eddie looked back over his shoulder at Steve and Robin, sitting, talking with Dustin and Erica. He could cross a couple things off now, with that lot, if he wanted. Just little things, fun things, meaningful things. 

But he thought he’d start with the big two; do something brave and a little stupid without running from the consequences, and tell someone special the story he’d never told anyone before. 

“Hey, Steve?” He’d called out, forcing himself to before he backed out again. 

“Yeah, you okay?” He’d replied. 

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded, waving his hand out, “Can you c’mere for a sec?” 

Steve nodded his head, saying a quick something to Robin before making his way over to Eddie. Steve sat down in the grass beside him, in the field, looking up at the bright blue sky. It was calm out. The world felt warm. 

“What’s up?” Steve asked, bumping his knee into Eddie’s. 

Eddie took a deep breath, “I just… I wanted to cross a few things off the list before I kicked it.” 

“Ed-”

“Okay, I know, talk positive.” Eddie sighed, “Just… let’s be real for a second Steve, I’m either dying down there, or getting locked up for life which is just as bad. I don’t wanna die, I really don’t, but I’m being realistic, okay?” 

Steve huffed, “Stay alive, we can get your charges dropped.” 

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded, “Maybe.” 

“We’ll try- Dustin will try.”

Eddie smiled, “True.” he shrugged, “But still, just in case, I wanna cross a couple of things off.” 

“Eddie-”

“Humour me, Steve.” he looked at Steve, eyes pleading, “C’mon.” 

Steve sighed, “Okay.” 

Eddie smiled, “I… I wanna do something bold and brave. Something that’s probably a little dumb and might get me hurt, even though it’s right, and I won’t run from the consequences of that.” 

I want to come out to you, a well known queer puncher. 

“And I wanna tell you something…” Eddie swallowed, “I wanna tell you a story, something that happened to me when I was a kid. Something I’ve never told anyone, ever, and that I was saving for a special someone.” 

“Ah…” Steve glanced at him, “I- I’m your-”

Eddie glared at him, “No.” yes, “But out of everyone here, you’re probably the specialist.” Eddie shrugged, “A fallen king, hanging out with a bunch of nerds, fighting interdimensional monsters whilst maintaining glorious hair… That’s special, Steve.” 

Steve laughed, “Okay, yeah.” he nodded, “Go on then.” 

“Okay,” Eddie sighed, “So, when I was-”

“Wait, what’s the brave thing?” Steve asked. 

“It’s in the story.” Eddie nodded, “You’ll have to wait to find out… but you’ll know.” 

“Okay.” Steve smiled. 

Eddie took a deep breath, “When I was a kid… about ten, I had, what I thought was, the worst day of my life. Now, it was pretty fuckin bad, I’ll give you that, but I think I’ve had worse now.” 

Steve shrugged, “Probably.” 

“Now, Stevie, I’m trusting you with this story, yeah?” Eddie raised an eyebrow, “I’ve never told a soul this, and I don’t plan on telling anyone else, okay? Not even Wayne. It’s special.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Steve smiled, lifting his little finger, “Pinkie promise.” 

Eddie felt his chest tighten. 

“God.” Eddie groaned, linking his pinkie with Steves, “Add that to the list of things that make you special.”

Steve laughed. 

“So, I didn’t know this at the time really, but my dad stole cars and shit for a living. I mean… you know… he taught me how to hotwire and… but anyway, he stole cars and then sold them for drug runs. A few days prior to this stories beginning, my dad worked a job and got paid really fucking well, so he decided to go on a three day bender down the pub.” Eddie shrugged, scratching his chin, “My mum, I really didn’t know this at the time, was a sex worker. She didn’t wanna be, she worked as an escort, she was kinda forced into it. My dad owed a bunch of people a bunch of money and so they kinda just… used my mum as collateral. Five or so days prior to my tale, she went up to Indy on a ‘business trip’. Basically, she was keeping this one guy company because dad owed him fuckin buckets and she was forced to. So this left me alone for three days. The water stopped working, it was hot, I didn’t have food or money to get some… I was stranded, alone for three days. And, my dad, he got this payout, but spent it all on drink rather than his kid, or to get his fucking wife out of the situation she was forced into because of him.” 

Eddie rubbed his eyes, and Steve listened carefully, taking in every word. He rubbed his hand up and down Eddie’s back, over the smooth cool leather. It made Eddie feel a little safer. 

“I was worried. I was hungry. I was alone.” Eddie sighed, “So I called the cops, asked them to help me find my dad. Right? It’s what kids are taught to do.” 

“Right.” Steve nodded. 

“So I hang up, right as my dad get’s home. I told him I just talked to the cops, and he… he was not impressed.” Eddie took a deep breath, “We had a strict no cops rule in our apartment, but I didn’t know what else to do. Dad started yelling, telling me off, he… he beat me.” 

“Oh, Eddie.” Steve hummed, his hand on Eddie’s forearm. 

“The worst he’d ever done, at that point.” Eddie said, “We saw the cops pull up, and I thought… I thought they were gonna arrest me, because I’d done the wrong thing by calling them. And so I ran. I duct out the bathroom window and ran for miles, not looking back once.” 

“Sounds freeing.” Steve looked out to the sky, “I wish I could run like that.” 

“Yeah.” Eddie looked out with him, both of them taking in the feel of the wind for a moment. 

“Is that it?” Steve asked, voice gentle. 

“No.” Eddie shook his head. 

“Okay.” Steve smiled softly, “Take your time, Ed’s.” 

Eddie ignored how the nickname squeezed at his heart, “I found myself in unknown territory, sat myself down on a broken playground.” Eddie couldn’t help but smile at the memory, “I hated everything in the world. I was ready to run away and never face anyone ever again. But then this… boy just appeared out of nowhere. He appeared and he made everything better.” 

Eddie laid back into the grass, looking up at the soft sky as it began to set. Steve laid back with him, both of them taking in the feel of the world around them. 

“He had a sweet smile, and he wore the cleanest overalls I’d ever seen. I don’t remember much about him, my brain blocked out most of that week. But I remember him.” Eddie nodded, “He… he asked me if I was okay, if I wanted a friend. And we played. He made me a daisy chain and I thought he was the most perfect boy in the whole world. His favourite flowers are sunflowers, you know. That’s how I know him, call him my Sunflower boy.”

Eddie chuckled to himself, feeling happy with the memory, “He was so kind. Too kind, even. I thought my brain had made him up entirely. He’d just come to me on my worst day and fixed it all. He wore bright yellow and smiled warm and made me a fuckin daisy chain, Steve.” Eddie turned his head to look at him, “He was my first love.” 

Steve’s eyes widened a little, “You…” he blinked a few times, “You’re gay?” 

“Please don’t punch me.” Eddie muttered. 

“Why would I-” Steve swallowed, “I promise, I won’t.”

Eddie smiled, “Thanks.” 

“Keep talking.” Steve said low.

Eddie felt his spine tingle, “He invited me back to his house, for dinner. I wanted to go. I did, I loved him, I knew it. I never wanted to let this boy go again. And he was beautiful. I remember… we were in the middle of the road, and he had daisies in his hands and hair and… I loved him.” Eddie looked back up at the sky, “But I heard a cop car down the street, and they were looking for me. I thought they were going to arrest me, lock me up, and I didn’t wanna risk my Sunflower boy. I promised myself I’d make sure he always got to see the sun. Didn’t want him getting in trouble just for being nice to me… a supposed criminal.” Eddie chuckled, “Funny how things come back around.” 

Steve smiled, “Maybe you’re not as innocent as we thought, Eddie.” 

Eddie couldn’t help but blush, “I told him he was weird, because he didn’t want me to go. I told him… I was mean to him, Steve. But I didn’t know what else to say to make him let me go. I didn’t want him to know I was a criminal. I wanted him to remember me as the boy who liked daisies because they looked pretty on my Sunflower.” Eddie sighed, “I just hope he’s doing okay. I think about him every day, you know?” 

“You do?” Steve asked. 

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded, “He helps me through my hardest times. When things are shit, I just remember his sweet little voice saying hi.” 

“That's… cute.” 

“Mhm.” Eddie smiled, “After all was resolved, and mum got home, the daisy chain started to wilt. I went to mum with it, crying. Didn’t tell her why I didn’t want it to die, just that it was very important to me and that I needed to keep it forever and ever. She helped me pick the biggest, prettiest, most alive flower from it, and we preserved it.” 

“What?” Steve looked at him. 

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded, “We pressed it, then she turned it into a pin for me, put resin or some shit over it and a safety pin on the back.” Eddie opened up his leather jacket on his left, showing Steve the inside, “I keep it over my heart, so he’s always close to me.” 

“That’s beautiful.” Steve managed to say after a moment of silence. 

“Mhm.” Eddie closed his jacket, pressing a hand over his heart, “Just hope he’s got someone there for him now, like he was for me. Hope I didn’t shove him into the closet or whatever. Everyone deserves a Sunflower, especially my boy.”

“Your…” Steve trailed off with a whisper, “I think he does, Eddie.” 

“Really?” 

Steve nodded, “He’s got you, keeping him close.” 

Eddie frowned, “He probably hates me.” 

“I think he’d understand, if you explained it to him.” 

“I hope so.” Eddie sighed. 

“What would you say…” Steve wondered, “if you ever met him again?” 

Eddie chuckled, “I’d probably plant one on him.” 

Steve laughed, “What?” 

“Yeah!” Eddie nodded, “I’d give him a kiss. That’s all, just a kiss, thank him for keeping me sane all these years. Let him go on his way.” 

Steve sighed, “You’re wonderful, Eddie.” he smiled, hooking his pinkie with Eddies, “Promise I’ll never tell.” 

*

Oh god, it hurts. 

Everything really hurt. 

His body felt like fire and his blood was cold. 

Death wasn’t what he thought it would be. 

“Love you, man.” He managed to choke out, holding Dustin’s hand dearly. 

“Love you too.” The younger boy had managed to splutter out. 

Eddie’s face was sprinkled with tears and slobber and probably snot, but he was too close to death to care. 

“No, no, no, no!” He’d heard a voice shout from afar, “You idiot!” 

“I’m sorry.” Eddie whispered, but only Dustin had heard him. 

“Oh my god.” Nancy pressed a hand over her mouth, turning away, “Dustin-” she grabbed the boy, pulling him into her chest and stroking his hair, “Shh, it’ll be okay. It will be okay-” 

“No.” Steve whined again, this time he was on his knees, beside Eddie, holding his limp body, “Eddie…” 

Eddie smiled up at him with reddened teeth, “Hi, Steve.” 

“What did you do?” 

“I played hero.” Eddie managed to choke out, “I never liked… listening to peoples… rules.” 

Steve squeezed Eddie a little, “Idiot. I fucking hate you.” he cried a little harder, “Why… you said you’d live. We… we’d get you- I’ll get you out.” 

Eddie shook his head, “No-”

“I’m getting you out, Eddie.” Steve readied himself to stand, pulling Eddie with him. 

But Eddie groaned, let out a piercing cry of new found pain, more blood leaving his body. Steve put him back down, crying more. He couldn’t save him. 

Eddie smiled again, and it broke all of their hearts, “Thanks for listening, Steve.” He moved his frail hand around until it found Steves, and he squeezed with all his might, “Before… in the clear…ing. Thank you.” 

Steve shook his head, “You… you-” Steve sobbed, his hand wiped the blood from Eddie’s cheek, “I needa tell you something too.” 

Eddie nodded, “Course.” 

Steve forced himself to smile through the tears, “He’s me.” 

Eddie didn’t quite catch on. 

Steve wove his hand under Eddie’s jacket until he found the daisy pin, “Sunflower. He’s me.”

Eddie’s eyes widened, “I-” he smiled softly then, “Makes sense. You both had… lovely hair.” 

Steve laughed, “I always remembered you, Eddie. Always.” 

“Trying to make me feel bad?” Eddie joked, but his frail voice made laughing harder, “I’m dying here.”

Steve cradled him a little closer, “I remembered because you were the only boy in Hawkins with hair that long. And on that day, you were wearing a Garfeild shirt, and you wore it on the first day back at school.” Steve wiped his cheeks with his shoulders, “I didn’t talk to you because I thought you hated me.” 

Eddie’s eyebrows creased, “No…” he sounded so broken, his hand squeezed Steves again, “No… no, I loved you.” 

Steve nodded, “I know. I know now.” 

Eddie coughed and sputtered up some blood. 

“Shh.” Steve soothed, “Relax, Daisy boy.” 

Eddie smiled. 

“You broke my heart, that day, Ed’s.” Steve smiled, “My first heartache. I loved you too.” 

Eddie’s smile grew a lot sadder, “You broke mine too.”

“How?��� Steve scoffed, “You did that to yourself.” 

“I know.” Eddie chuckled softly, ignoring the pain it caused, “But later. In your freshman year, you were so kind, at first.” he took a moment to breathe, “So pretty. Y- you were a slut, you know?” 

Steve laughed, “Yeah.” 

Eddie nodded, “Always made me… jealous.” 

“You had a thing for me in highschool?” Steve asked. 

Eddie nodded again, “You were such a dick, but I loved you.” Eddie turned his head towards the three huddled beside him, “Hated you, N- Nancy.”

Nancy laughed, “Yeah?” 

Eddie smiled, “You sucked… took him.” 

Steve genty took Eddie’s cheek, turning him back, “You hated me in highschool.” 

“I hated… King Steve.” Eddie smiled, lifting a hand to press on Steve’s heart, “Not you.” 

Steve sobbed some more. 

“Broke my heart… with every girl.” Eddie swallowed, he didn’t like the taste of blood much, “Guess we’re even.” 

Steve nodded, “Yeah, guess we are.” he looked down at him for a moment, shaking his head, “Fuck, Ed’s. Why’d you do it?” 

“Didn’t wanna run.” He pushed out. 

“I hate you.” Steve sobbed. 

“I know.” Eddie whispered, cupping Steve’s cheek, “I know, Sunflower.” 

Steve cried a whole lot harder, “You did shove me in the closet, you know?” 

Eddie felt his heart breaking, “I did?” 

“So far.” Steve nodded. 

“I’m sorry.” he couldn’t control the tear that slipped out, “Stevie, I’m sorry.” 

Steve chuckled, “Doesn’t matter now.” he stroked Eddie’s hair, “But maybe, if we’d known better back then, things could have been different.” 

“You think?” Eddie asked, eyes close to closing. 

“I know.” Steve leant down, pressing his forehead to Eddies, “Woulda been loving you much longer.”

Eddie hummed, eyes closing to feel Steve better, “Sunflower.” he’d whispered. 

He felt Steve’s body shake, “I hate you, Eddie.” his voice was so broken, “Why’d you have to do it? Why’d you have to play hero?” 

“I’m sorry.” Eddie opened his eyes. 

“No.” Steve sat up again, teeth gritted, “No you don’t… you don’t get to do that! You can’t do this to me, Eddie.” 

“I’m so sorry.” Eddie felt his body shake too, more tears falling, “I don’t want to die, Stevie, don’t let me die. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Steve couldn’t see much, just red, “I love you.” 

Eddie tried to speak, but the crying shook his lungs and forced up more blood. 

“I don’t know what to do, Eddie. I don’t know what to do.” 

Eddie looked at him weakly, his hand slowly moving to hover over his heart, “T- take it.” 

Steve shook his head, “Take what?”

“M-my hea…rt, Stevie.” Eddie smiled, “‘Nd the d- daisy.” 

Steve closed his eyes, and nodded his head, “I’ll wear it every day.” 

Eddie smiled, “Love… you… Sunflower.” 

“No.” Steve shook Eddie’s body, “C’mon, no… please! Just need a little longer, Eddie, I’ll get you out of here.” 

Eddie smiled softly, “M’okay, baby.” he was barely whispering, “M’okay here.” 

“No.” Steve whispered back. 

“You’ve got me, Sunflower.” Eddie let his eyes close, “S’all that matters.” 

“I can’t let you go, Eddie. We need more time.” 

“Give me a kiss, Steve?” Eddie smiled, eyes unable to open again. 

Steve leant over, tears slipping off the end of his nose and onto Eddie’s. He pressed his lips to his Daisy boys and kissed him. He cried, so hard, and Eddie couldn’t kiss back, not really. It wasn’t anything like it should have been, but it was theirs, and that’s all that mattered. When Steve sat back up his mouth was red with Eddie’s blood, and Eddie had stopped moving. 

sorry not sorry x

don’t forget to reblog! comments are always welcome as well, i love to read about your thoughts and ideas <3

thanks for reading!

here is a little pic i drew for this :)

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

The Best Laid Plans of Robins

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/Vesnk94 by Aleena_Pallaz Tim's dad is dead, killed by a boomerang to the chest, and Tim is an orphan now. He knows Bruce would adopt him if needed but he couldn't possibly impose himself on the Wayne's more than he already has. It's okay though, because he has a plan for this, he just needs someone to play the role of his estranged "Uncle Eddie". Except... the guy he hires is weirdly concerned about his well being and Tim can't figure out why.   Meanwhile, Jason Todd is forced to reevaluate his plans for his debut as Red Hood, because, as it turns out, his replacement is a suicidal idiot who can't be trusted to stay out of trouble.   OR   Tim Drake fails to recognize Jason Todd, back from the dead, and hires him to be his Uncle Eddie to avoid getting adopted by Batman. Somehow this ruins everyone's plans. Words: 4505, Chapters: 2/10, Language: English Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Robin (Comics) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: Gen Characters: Tim Drake (DCU), Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Alfred Pennyworth Relationships: Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd Additional Tags: Tim Drake's Fake Uncle, Except it's Jason, Jason Todd is Uncle Eddie, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Tim Drake is Robin (DCU), Tim Drake is Bad at Feelings, Good Sibling Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Feelings, Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Communicating, Tim Drake and Jason Todd are Siblings, Canon Divergence - Jason Todd's Attack on Titans Tower, Mediocre Parents Jack Drake and Janet Drake, Dead Jack Drake and Janet Drake, Tim Drake Needs a Hug (DCU), Jason Todd is Bad at Feelings, Identity Reveal, Child Neglect, Swearing, Guns, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Tim Drake Has Self-Worth Issues, Tim Drake Has a Plan, It doesn't quite go the way he expects it tho, Tim Drake has the survival skills of a wet paper bag, Good Sibling Dick Grayson, He's trying guys, Tim and Jason don't make it easy, Tim Drake Hires Jason to be His Fake Uncle, Unreliable Narrator, Canon-Typical Violence, POV Tim Drake (DCU), POV Jason Todd, No Beta We Die Like Stephanie Brown, By which I mean that's a lie and this was actually betaed, i just wanted to use that tag, Other Additional Tags to Be Added read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/Vesnk94

[dreamwatch]

NaNoWriMo!

Okay so I think it’s become clear that I’m trying for NaNoWriMo, but I also know a lot of you follow me for my exceptional Steddie content (I’m kidding, I actually have no idea why ya’ll follow me) so I’m going to use the tags nanowrimo and nanowrimo23. Now I’m going to try and be consistent about that, so if you don’t want to hear my complaints and my weak word counts everyday please filter both.

And if you’re doing it too please let me know!

Honestly no idea how this is going to go down, I’ve never tried it before. I’ve always wanted to but never had a long project and I stopped writing for like… 15 years? Maybe more. I now have 3 long fics on the go in various stages of completion so now that nano allows you to start with a word count I’m going to use this as a driver to get one finished. Like A Stone (aka Sad Lonely Eddie Is Going Nuts) has over 30k words and I was so focussed and driven with that so I’m leaving that to one side. Untitled 90s Fic (aka Steve and Eddie Meet after all these years…) is really early on and needs more planning before I can take that any further.

Which leaves my neglected first child, Fell On Black Days (aka Eddie in Prison - and despite two rounds of voting on the STWG discord server I’m still not sure about that title so it might change). It’s at around 12k words, and honestly I don’t know if needs another 50k but I have so much I want to say in it so let’s see. Today is my last day of planning to try and stop myself going down an internet rabbit hole every time something comes up. We’re all this bad, right? Like, we all get hooked on one bit of research and then get sucked into hours of googling shit for one throw away line in a fic, right? (the shit I know about cement plants now, seriously).

Anyway little chickens, make sure to filter those tags if your not into it.

[italiansteebie]

For the Past, the Present Glory

TW// Autsitic Meltdown, Child Neglect

------

Steve doesn’t know how to feel about the holidays. They’re always so overstimulating with the songs, and the lights, and everyone constantly moving and ringing out cheers of “Merry Christmas!” He gets the appeal, truly, but it’s hard to enjoy it when there’s no one to celebrate with, not to mention the fact that he doesn’t even celebrate Christmas, and fire is much too frightening to handle by himself so lighting the menorah is out of the question too. Unless it’s one of the rare Hanukkah's where his parents are actually home. But get real, that hasn’t happened since he was 6, and at that he’d had a meltdown over the open flames and his parents claimed he ruined the whole thing. It was only the second night, they’d left on the morning of the third, telling the babysitter not to bother with the ceremony, and fucked off to who knows where. He knows they can’t be bothered to tell him where they’re going, but he tracks the days and weeks and finds the pattern and makes up an informal schedule for himself. That way he knows when to prepare himself and the house for their arrival.

There are pictures of him as a young child donning his yarmulke and following after those, there are photos of him with tears streaming down his face as the garment is pinned uncomfortably to his head, with his fathers stern hands holding his smaller, shaking ones, as to shield the calming motion.

He tries to not let it bother him, the loneliness, but he’s only human, and even for an introvert of his magnitude, the solitary feeling of his house gets to be too much sometimes. That is until he meets Dustin Henderson, and gets dragged into the Bullshit that is the Upside Down, and all of a sudden he’s never alone. So here he is, sitting in the Wheeler’s basement, with a scratchy Christmas sweater on, watching as the kids pass around gifts, smiling fondly over their bickering. He lets his eyes drift over the movement of the room, briefly landing on Robin and Nancy who are not so subtly flirting with each other in the corner before moving on to catch a glimpse of Jonathan and Eddie sneaking out the back door with a bag of a suspicious green substance. He hears the faint flick of Eddie’s lighter and it’s not long after that, that the distinct smell starts wafting through the room. He grimaces to himself. The only time weed isn’t overstimulating is when he himself is smoking it, and even then he has to take breaks fairly often. Tommy used to make fun of him for it, so he started making up different excuses that were more acceptable than “It smells bad,” because that always got him dirty looks and shoves that were a bit too rough to be considered playful.

The noise picks up, and he tries to not let it get to him, but he can feel his wrists twitching, and a hum buzzing softly in the back of the throat. He tries to rock subtly, but quickly ceases his motions when Robin and Nancy make their way over to him. “You okay, Stevie? You look a little pale…” Robin trails and Steve waves a hand, trying to speak but the words die in his throat and something like a grunt comes out instead. He smiles nervously, before shrugging and all but scampers away, definitely NOT in shame. His hands are twitching, and the blinking lights are giving him a headache, and not to mention the stupid cough he’s had for like, two weeks, is making his chest rattle uncomfortably, and he knows he has to get out. He shakes his head a little maniacally, gaining the attention of the room, before he chokes out a laugh and shoves a thumb towards the door, grabbing his keys and making a beeline for his car.

He’s alone for about two seconds before the knocking starts, and he knows they mean well, but it’s getting excruciating.

“Steve, c’mon, open up!”

“Don’t leave!”

“What’s wrong?”

“Steve, talk to us!”

And their fists are still beating on the window, and tears are starting to stream down his face. He curses himself, this meltdown coming out of nowhere, but really he knows, it had been building up for months, he’s surprised he’s lasted this long.

“Don’t cry, Steve! It’s christmas!”

And that's what breaks him. He feels his hands roughly grab his hair, and body rocking on autopilot, “Steve, please.” He hears a meek voice say. “Fuck!” He shuts, voice coming out hoarse, chest heaving as his hands move from his hair to beat on his chest. He opens his eyes briefly to see Mike making his way towards his car, the last thing he needs is Wheeler’s snide comments so he tries to steel himself but to no avail. He brings a heavy fist down onto his thigh. “What's going on?” He hears Eddie ask, a bit sluggish, no doubt high out of his mind, Steve wished he was too, then maybe he wouldn’t have embarrassed himself like this. “Steve is freaking out and ruining christmas.” Is what comes out of Mike’s mouth, and he knows the kid doesn’t really mean any harm, but he can’t stop himself from yelling, “I’m fucking Jewish, you little brat.” And the sobs are coming out in full force now, and he hears Robin jimmying the door open, and crawling into the passenger seat. She leans over, pulling him into a tight hug, letting the pressure wash over him, his sobs calm down, and his hands that were frantically beating at his chest and grasping his hair are calmer now, gentle and soothing, rather than desperate. From his position of having his head buried in Robin’s chest he can hear Nancy, Jonathan, and Eddie ushering the kids away from the car, before hearing Eddie approach again.

He takes a shuddering breath before moving away from Robin and wiping his eyes harshly. “Sorry,” He sniffles, and Robin looks at him incredulously, “Steve, don’t apologize, just… Are you okay? That looked like… Well. It looked like a meltdown.” She soothed softly. He nodded, eyeing Eddie who was standing outside the car door apprehensively, before admitting softly “I’m not as normal as I seem, Robin. I’m. I’m pretty far from it actually,” He says, laughing bitterly. He opens the door for Eddie, motioning for him to slide in. “You too high for this Eddie?” Robin asks, to which the metalhead shakes his head no, hair swishing back and forth, “Nah. Sobered up pretty quickly, thanks to Stevie boy here.” He says playfully, softly, almost endearing. Robin thinks it’s disgusting.

“You okay, Steve?” Eddie asks, sliding his larger hand into the others shaking one, Steve nods. “I just… Got a bit overstimulated there. I tried to leave like we talked about but… Then everyone followed me out here.” Robin cringed at that a little bit, “I'm sorry, Steve. You looked like you were about to get sick, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Steve smiles softly, “It’s okay, Robs. I haven’t been super open about any of this stuff, you didn't know. In fact the only reason Eddie knows is because he found me in the bathroom in sophomore year having a meltdown.” He flashes a small smile at the metalhead beside him, who returns it, a bit sadder than the original. Robin doesn’t miss the way Eddie rubs his thumb over Steve’s knuckles in that soft, telling way, but she also doesn’t say anything about it. “I'm going to give you two a minute, whenever you’re ready Steve.” She says softly, moving out of the car, hearing Steve’s heavy sigh as she shuts the door.

The two boys sit together for a moment longer, while Steve prepares himself to answer the questions that are about to be thrown at him. “I can answer some of them, If you’d like me to?” Eddie offers gently, to which Steve shakes his head. He heaves another sigh before scooting out of the car and back towards the house, Eddie in tow.

As soon as he step foot into the basement, there's a cacophony of questions and his hands shake slightly in Eddies, “Everybody, shut up!” The long haired boy yells, angling his face away from Steve’s so he doesn’t get the brunt of the shout. Everyone goes silent at this, and Steve takes this as his chance to start talking.

“Okay so, first things first. I am. Well-” He huffs out a sigh, Eddie rubs his shoulder encouragingly, “I’ve got autism, which means… Like sounds and stuff can get too much and really freak me out. Like you just saw. It was. A lot of therapy, when I was a kid,” He jokes, trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work. He continues, “I’m also Jewish, I don’t… Really celebrate. My parents aren’t ever home during Hanukkah, and fire is… Hard for me. Like, y’know. I can’t light the menorah by myself…” He trails off, murmuring under his breath, “God this is so stupid, I’m stupid.” Eddie put an end to those comments real quickly, squeezing his hand. “Anyway… Yeah. Sorry for yelling at you, Mike. And uh. I’ll probably be pretty quiet after this.” He cleared his throat as he finished his speech. Everyone seemed to understand, and at the end of the night, he overheard the one and only, snarky, Mike Wheeler, planning a Hanukkah celebration for next year.

“Mike can be a brat, but. He’s also pretty cool. Sometimes.” Nancy says as he and Eddie leave, in lieu of a goodbye, and somewhat of a pseudo apology for her brother's antics. Steve smiles, nodding along in agreement. And suddenly, for the first time in a long time, he’s looking forward to the next Hanukkah.

[positivecomet]

Let me take a minute to talk about Evan Buckley. Specifically the Buck Backlash from last night’s episode.

First, you should probably read this amazing post by @evandiaz.

Now, I want to talk about Parts Work Therapy.

Parts-therapy/parts work therapy (which I’ll call PWT) is the concept that our personality is composed of a number of various parts from our subconscious. These parts can generally be broken into categories, like your inner critics (that voice in your head telling you you’re a garbage person and probably the one doing the highlight reel of all your mistakes when you’re trying to sleep), your Wise Mind (the part of you where your emotions meet your rational mind), and your inner child (we’re all probably familiar with that one). But there can be oodles of parts of you that are quiet or buried or even frozen.

Here’s an example. In my personal work with PWT, my therapist and I have discovered a part of my subconscious I call No Face. Have you ever seen Miyazaki’s “Spirited Away”? That’s where I get the name from. In that film, No Face is the lonely spirit who takes whatever anyone gives him and eats it, no matter what it costs him, no matter what it does to him after. And he can’t stop himself, not even when he gets so large he’s trapped in the bathhouse. His behavior is self-destructive and sad and—in my opinion—stems from a desperation to be seen, needed, and wanted. 

“How did you develop such a part?” you ask. Simple answer: Childhood emotional abandonment and neglect. 

Sometimes, looking at Buck is like looking in a mirror.

Now, early in my PWT journey, I spent a lot of time analyzing my own behavior. “Why did I do that?” I’d ask, frustrated. “That’s something I would have done 10 years ago. I should be better than that by now.” My therapist and I would rely on a (very) incomplete metaphor of a car to discuss this. 

See, for a lot of us, our Wise Mind is usually in the driver’s seat. Sure, maybe our inner critic is side-seat driving and it makes us feel like garbage, but we get along okay. But other times, especially when wounded parts are triggered or you’re under an enormous amount of stress or you can’t hold back the floodgates of all the trauma you’ve been suppressing, another part of you may take control of the car, rendering your Wise Mind useless. Or parts of you can become blended, muddling your ability to make clear, rational decisions.

One of my favorite Buck examples of this is in “Buck Begins”: “Two dinners! Two dinners—that’s all it took and I am twelve years old again...” When with his parents, Buck’s Wise Mind goes immediately out the window and a younger, traumatized part takes control. He knows how he should behave, but he can’t seem to stay on that track.

SO. Let’s look at Buck now. His family is fractured physically by Maddie, Chim, and Eddie no longer being at the firehouse. He knows that Hen is struggling without Chim at work but he can’t do anything about that. He can see that Eddie is still struggling, but no amount of kitchen heart-to-hearts is getting him to open up. Buck, whose self-worth hinges on his ability to help other people (“You’re the guy who likes to fix things”), finds that he can’t help the people who need him. All he can do is sit around and wait.

It is also my personal belief that Taylor is a particular trigger for a lot of Buck’s traumas. I actually like Taylor as a character, but some of the ways she interacts with Buck make me feel ill (and, yes, that’s definitely projecting). In the scene where she tells him she loves him, the “don’t make it weird” almost put me in the ground. Because a people-pleaser like Buck? I think he immediately stopped whatever true emotional reaction he was having, reassessed, and then gave her a response he thought she would want to hear. And then repeated that response to himself over and over internally until it became something that felt true.

Watching the scene at the bar in 5x11 brought me to tears because I felt like I was witnessing a very young, very wounded part of Buck take control of the car. In his hesitation between backing away from Lucy and giving in, it was like watching his Wise Mind blend with and then give control over to this part. “Give me attention, keep your eyes on me,” it seemed to be saying. “Make me feel like I’m worth something to someone, even just for this moment.” And it echoes the I-slept-with-my-therapist behavior we saw in s1. Sex is a way to be able to put down this emotional burden, even if it’s just for the moment, even if it doesn’t fix anything later. It’s “whatever consequences come later will be worth it as long as I can stop feeling this way right now.” That, my friends, is a learned behavior that’s incredibly difficult to un-learn.

Later in the episode when we see him ask Taylor to move in with him, that’s another part wresting control of the vehicle. His Wise Mind is telling him to tell her what happened so they can move forward; the part of him that fears more rejection, abandonment, and change is overcorrecting to keep her from leaving at any cost. This is the same part I saw when he says super firmly to Hen, “I love her.” Who are you trying to convince, my man?

I am not trying to justify Buck’s mistakes. But I think we need to appreciate how amazingly nuanced the writing and acting of his character are. He feels like a real person. His mistakes feel real. We may not like them or agree with them, but I for one can’t wait to see where the writers take his journey this season and into s6.

[uh-oh-howd-i-get-here]

Our Word

Eddie Munson X afab! Reader

Feeling angsty and I'm obsessed with Eddie. This is a song fic, kinda dipping my toes in the water for writing for him. This is based on Our Word by Jessie Shelton. I have manipulated these lyrics to mean what I want them to. I will most very likely write a second part to this.

Link to the song: https://youtu.be/JUoX5EAxF34

Summary: A new life, with a new name, comes with heavy burdens of lies and secrets, but the truth always comes forward.

Pairing: Eddie Munson X afab! Reader

Warnings: Suicide mention. Almost dying. ANGST. Mentions of cheating. Mentions of death.

Word Count: 1,777

Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had prided myself on keeping secrets, big ones, and little ones. I never told a soul. Everyone has secrets too, even me. The town of Hawkins doesn’t need to know my secrets though, so like all other secrets, I keep it close to my chest.

Secrets can eat at you though, like a lie. I’ve told my share of lies too, but I learned how to very early in life.

When I was a little girl Like really little, like 8 or so I was playing in my father's study A place in the house I wasn't supposed to go My father fancied himself a sailor His study was filled with nautical decor He kept a boat in a bottle on the top of a shelf And it shattered on the ground when I slammed the door

My father was a man of few words, but all about image. Now that I know what I know, my mother was also very obsessed with image. Never a hair out of place, or an emotion to show. As a child though, my father was mean and neglectful, and my mother was the one who listened. This was the beginning of my lies and my secrets. I told my mother everything I told her I was so, so sorry She told me, "don't cry When he comes home tonight We can make everything okay This is all we have to say "We don't remember a boat in a bottle It must've fallen off its shelf alone We know you loved it, we're so sad it's broken But neither one of us was even home" And it's our word Yes, our word Against his

My life in Hawkins was peaceful. I showed up one day, a rouge 18-year-old with nothing to tell of a life before. Very small, which suited my needs. I was content not talking to anyone, but that proved to be nigh impossible.

The funny thing about no-one knowing who you are, is I could be anyone. I could be who I always wanted and hoped to be.

New apartment.

New wardrobe.

New name.

New life.

But the past can haunt you. So I hid screw-ups from my father Made up school awards to please my mom Whatever made the steak taste better Whatever kept the waters calm I was told to keep their secrets And in turn they'd keep mine As I got older, I got dumber I couldn't help but cross the line

I was sure that Hawkins would never find out my past. My new friends didn’t ask. A job at a cheap movie theater and renting movies for half-price from my friends.

And weed from the person who held my life together. Eddie was quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Patient and kind, and someone I could spend all day looking at. Best friends with benefits and hoping for more. I was a lost puppy following him around when we first met. The high from weed is nice, but the giddy high I get from being around him is by far more addicting.

I know he’s curious, dying actually, to know my secrets. Which is why I’m stuck pining after him instead of dating him. Lies of omission are still lies and partners don’t keep secrets.

If only he knew… Three times I nearly wrecked my life Three times I nearly came to ruin Three times went crying to my parents Who said they'd make it go away Yes, this is all we had to say

I was sure that I was done with them, that I could just live under their roof until I graduated, but things got messy during a rouge vacation. A broken heart and broken truths. No one got the whole truth that day, not even my parents. Still, they pulled through for me, a secret keeper in my own right.

I swore I would never love someone again, it only lead to more secrets and lies. "We never rented a house in Sedona We didn't see Camille the day she died We haven't been on our boat in some years now So we don't care what you found inside" And it's our word Yes, our word It's our word Yes, our word Against theirs

I loved that boy, even after he cheated. Drugs will make you do things that bring out the dark in you. Camille was so innocent, and due to my incompetence, dead. I didn’t kill her, not physically. She also loved him and her seeing me, well, it broke her. She jumped and I was so out of it that I couldn’t do anything. Somebody was paid to make it go away Everyone was paid to make the problems go away Doesn't matter who gets screwed, or who is blamed Or what you need to do to clear your name An inconvenient truth can be easily erased

I made a plan then. A lie so big, so thorough, that my parents must play along. Save face. I graduated. I moved out to a place and lost myself for a bit.

I say it was to spite my parents. I want to believe that so badly, but in the end, the truth always surfaces.

She didn’t deserve to die. I was there. I could have saved her.

And while my name is no longer associated with her, or the accident, it haunts me more than the secrets. More than the lies.

I was running from my guilt, but I was never fast, so it caught me pretty quickly. When I was 18 I was living in New York I developed some fun habits Put my white blood cells to work I remember it so clearly I was home alone on a Tuesday night To level out, I'd popped some downers But couldn't seem to get my mind right I drew a bath and slipped into it And suddenly became aware I couldn't keep my head above water I took a final gasp of air I remember it so clearly. It wakes me up sometimes, that feeling that I’m drowning again. I startle awake in Eddie’s arms, waking him in the process. Even then, when faced with my mortality, I still can’t tell him, a life before, hidden away. Kept close to my heart that beats for him. I usually leave after that, and he never questions it.

I love him, so purely and genuinely. What I’d give to be his, and for him to be mine.

I love the names he had for me. When he’d call me darling, or sweet thing, or any other number of things he calls me. I love it because, if even only for a second, I’m genuine, going by a name that isn’t made up.

I love when he holds me when we’re watching a movie in his trailer. His arm over my shoulder, me tucked perfectly into his side.

I love when he listens to my favorite music even though they aren’t his style in the slightest. How he turns the volume up to scream it while he’s driving, one ringed hand on my knee.

And as I laid there helplessly A million different thoughts came to me

I’m not sure how it occurred to me, but after I resigned my will to life, I thought that somewhere out there I’m depriving someone of a love they were meant to have. That maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there who could love me. Who I didn’t have to keep secrets from or tell lies to. Someone who wouldn’t lie to me. Honesty and trust. That maybe if I couldn’t live with myself, then I could live as someone who I liked enough. Someone who someone loves and then maybe I could love myself.

Now I live a comfortable life. Work at the theater, friends on Monday, DnD spectating on Wednesday, and movies with Eddie on Fridays. The weekend spent however I like.

Tonight though, wrapped in his arms, all I can think about is the lies I've told, and the secret I keep.

I saw my parents hearing the news

"Your only daughter drowned today" I thought about what they might say

I wish I could’ve seen them when my lie had reached them. I wonder sometimes if they mourned, or if they had even cared. I bet on the second, they were probably expecting it.

I thought about what they would do, how the millionaire parents would react to their only child dying. Would it go public? Or would the story die without ever seeing the light of day?

I’d like to say I was ready. Prepared for the possibility that they would play on this. There’s a lot of things I’d like to say.

Like I wasn’t prepared.

Wasn’t prepared to walk into a room with my friends and love reading a newspaper.

Wasn’t prepared to see my picture.

Wasn’t prepared to hear the lie of a lifetime.

Or for my truth to come forward. "Our daughter, Judith? No, she moved to Austin She's very happy there, or so we hear She's always been so goddamned independent The years go by and now we barely see her" "Our daughter, Judith? You must be mistaken You mean the girl we raised as if our own? We loved her so much she felt like our child But eventually we had to send her home"

It's hard to explain to people that knew you as Y/N, was in fact legally born and raised with the name Judith. You weren’t Judith anymore though, you were Y/N. A girl who had a secret past, but didn’t lie.

It’s hard to explain how you ended up in small town Hawkins. It’s hard to explain anything while no one trusts what you say.

It’s even harder to watch the person you love most in the world look so betrayed and hurt, and then walk out on you.

It'd be their word Only their word

In the end you suppose, your parents had made sure that if you were still alive, that you would be known for the liar you were. No amount of money could hide this blunder, and no amount of money could fix how you felt.

Eddie wouldn’t talk to you or look at you for that matter. Your world had fallen apart, from a stupid mistake. A secret and a lie. How foolish to hope he would never find out. How foolish to hope for more.

How foolish to wish for anything anymore.

It'd be their word Only their word On its own

The truth always comes forward

[princessfbi]

Hi my favourite Buckley Siblings person. I need some serotonin after reading some horrifically hot takes that basically said that Maddie and Buck is not a healthy dynamic and she has no boundaries when it comes to him.

So, I was wondering if you could give your too reasons as to why the Buckley siblings are elite? 💜

Isn't that always the curse of the eldest daughter? To be invalidated in your feelings and your trauma because you're expected to perform to an expectation that can be crippling. There's a joke somewhere along the lines of "are you an overachiever or were you just the eldest daughter?" that seems fitting this morning.

I mean let's talk about Margaret and Philip's history of invalidating their children's feelings for a second.

They forced Maddie to never talk about a brother who died that she remembered and had known for most of her life. Maddie was nine. She would've been a fourth grader! She was a kid who still had to walk in a single file line down the halls. Do you know what the big deal was when I was in fourth grade? I got to have my classes upstairs on the second floor. That was the big monumental life change for me in that grade. It was a big deal.

Maddie was a fourth grader who lost her brother, didn't even have a grasp of the concept of what death meant, was told to pretend Daniel didn't exist, and was aware enough that her whole life had changed.

That's a fourth grader being told never to talk about someone ever again. A fourth grader who is then taken away from her home, her memories, her friends and forced to pretend like nothing was wrong.

There's a reason emotional neglect has such a clear through line to later in life abuse. It's this idea that Margaret and Philip perpetuated with Maddie that there has to be this performance. Nobody understands our suffering and judges us. It both alienates a child and teaches said child that the world will not understand you if things are different. You see that with the way Maddie hides things with Doug, she makes excuses for him, it's different with her and Doug, she judges other victims of domestic abuse when they come into the hospital, and she deflects. All of this she learned from her parents.

Maddie hiding the abuse 🤝 Margaret and Philip hiding Daniel's death/their grief

Maddie making excuses for Doug 🤝 Philip making excuses for Margaret

It's different with her and Doug 🤝 Philip and Margaret crying victim about people judging them for having Buck because obviously that's not the same thing as other people who procreate children to save other children

Maddie judging other victims 🤝 Margaret and Philip judging Maddie for attaching herself onto someone who loves her (questionable but I think in Doug's own way he did)

Maddie deflecting about the abuse 🤝 Margaret and Philip deciding to move away and never talk about Daniel again

You see them do it again and again to Maddie ("You don't know what it's like you're not a mother yet") so it's no wonder Maddie does it to herself. She'd gotten used to it. You see her do it to herself with Buck, Chimney, Sue, Josh, and then for a brief moment when she's struggling with the PPD.

Maddie deflects but she also makes a point to not let Buck do that. That's why it's so meaningful that she came to talk to him after he revealed he was going to therapy because she thought he wouldn't want to talk about it freely with Chimney around. That's why she prods when Buck makes excuses for Abby's behavior towards him. That's why her scene where she calls Buck sad and lonely is so important. That sticks with Buck and instead of getting angry about it, he tries to get help. But then he does the same for her too "Because I always felt like you were sad too."

Meanwhile in regards to Buck, we see Margaret and Philip objectify Buck from before he was even born. I think a lot of people forget that objectifying someone doesn't strictly imply sexually. Being a donor baby already comes in a severe degree of objectification (you can see this as a major argument in regards to the whole concept of donor siblings ie the book Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro for example). Margaret and Philip objectified Buck from conception and when it didn't work, they didn't put the work in to shift that way of viewing Buck. He remained an object to them. He was never a baby, he was a thing. "We live with a reminder staring us in the face." They didn't just invalidate Buck. They didn't let Buck be a person.

And Buck had grown up being objectified his whole life which is why he doesn't even react when people are constantly doing it to him (people on the job, Abby, Bobby and the team to a certain extent.) I think it's interesting the way he reacts when Omar does the same thing when Maddie introduces him.

Maddie: Omar, this is my brother, Evan.

Omar: Oh, yeah, the football star.

Buck is so visibly uncomfortable when he says that it actually hurts my soul which is why that scene where Buck says "I'm going to be something... I just-- I don't know what it is yet" is so important. Because Maddie has spent her entire life being invalidated and she goes out of her way to make sure that doesn't happen with Buck. She validates Buck. She reminds him that he's a person. That he is someone.

So, when Maddie gives Buck the keys and the money to go away, she's not just giving him an escape. She's giving him permission to go be someone.

What I think people sometimes forget is that the trauma Buck experienced (the neglect which in my personal opinion, is a form of abuse though I know the technicalities are a gray point) was also what Maddie experienced. The difference is that Maddie got to be a person. She got to be their daughter. Their choice. Wanted. Buck wasn't given that consideration.

So, she did it. Maddie changed the course of trajectory for Buck.

And she started that when she was nine years old. A fourth grader decided that she was going to want this unwanted baby.

Maddie wasn't fighting her parents in Buck Begins about being able to talk to Daniel. She wasn't even fighting because they were invalidating her feelings again! She was fighting them because they were back in their lives and treating Buck like he wasn't a person again. She was fighting them because they came into town and gave a lackluster attempt at trying check and make sure Buck was fine before they dismissed him.

And Maddie wasn't going to let them do that again.

I mean just think about the "Don't be stupid, Evan"/"Don't talk to him like that" scene. It's so understated how significant those two lines are. It speaks volumes of the way Margaret in particular has diminished Buck's capacity as a human being and how she'd done it enough times that Maddie immediately jumps to his defense.

And it's not just Maddie who does it either. Because Buck knows Maddie deflects. He's seen her do it with his own two eyes (I just don't think he realized how much she deflects from him because again he thought they were on the same page). "C'mon you don't have to pretend with me. I know things aren't okay with, Doug." So Buck jumps in between Maddie and anyone who is a "danger" to her.

He does it with Margaret: "She's going to nursing school. You should congratulate her."

He does it with Doug: "Standing in between you and anyone who thinks they can hurt you is exactly where I want to be standing."

He does it with Gloria: "Want me to talk to her?"

And he does it again in the big build up at the infamous dinner scene with his parents. Buck has seen Maddie just take it, so he puts himself in the middle. "It was a compliment, Evan!"/"Oh, was it?"

"A united front."

"You and me in the world."

"Us vs them. That's what we always said."

I agree that I don't think it was Maddie's place to tell Buck's parents about his therapy (though, I know why she did it). But Buck is such a firm believer in the "People make mistakes. Doesn't mean you give up on them." and that came from Maddie and grew from his experience with Bobby, Hen, Chimney, Eddie, and Athena.

Buck and Maddie are never going to give up on each other. If they had, Maddie wouldn't have given him an escape. Buck would've stopped trying to contact her. Buck and Maddie show such a capacity of love and forgiveness towards one another it's maddening because they so easily could've not.

It's not Buck tolerating when Maddie "hurts" or "upsets" him. It's Buck loving Maddie so completely that he loves her in spite of her flaws. The same way she has loved him in spite of his failures.

I think that's really the saddest part about the people who don't quite understand the Buckley siblings relationship. It's people who don't get or haven't gotten to experience the profound love that comes from being forgiven for something. Forgiven completely and not just stated. I think to be forgiven, really forgiven, is maybe one of the greatest gifts a person can give you. Because to be forgiven is to be seen. It's be seen for all your faults and still accepted. Whether a person deserves forgiveness or not is really just a moot point if you think about it. Because to make the choice to forgive someone is a liberation of yourself by saying "I am not going to hold this baggage for you anymore." It's all you can control at the end of the day. How people respond when you say that is when you really get to see the true value you hold to a person. Like my sibling and I grew up hating each other. HATING each other. It wasn't until we were older that we started to connect. But I have never once, nor have they, questioned whether or not we would go to the mat swinging for each other. And yeah we have a lot of baggage we're still holding onto but one by one we're letting things go and we are still around for one another.

That's why I think it's fascinating Buck's capability for forgiveness and it stems from Maddie because Margaret and Philip I don't think have ever forgiven Buck. They may not have blamed him but they never forgave him either.

François Duc De La Rochefoucauld has a really amazing quote about forgiveness.

"One forgives to the degree that one loves."

Buck's capacity to love and forgive is because Maddie loved him so completely. She saw him as a person. She treated him as a person. She forgave him for being a person and she loved him for being a person.

They survive major childhood trauma together. It has created this codependency that is shifting for the better because Buck and Maddie are getting better. They're surrounded by people who love them the way Margaret and Philip should have loved them. They are surrounded by people who validate them the way Margaret and Philip should have validated them. They are surrounded by people who see them for who they are the way Margaret and Philip should've seen them.

"Cause it's hard to feel betrayed by someone you didn't really think you could count on anyway... and easy to lash out one the person that you know is always gonna forgive you."

So that's my top reason why they're elite. Buck and Maddie forgive one another the same way they love one another. Completely and entirely with their whole hearts.

[botheredbuck]

hi hello my name is leo and here’s the post that literally no one asked for about how three by sleeping at last is written for one evan buckley (with lyric references!)

maybe i’ve done enough  and your golden child grew up 

listen this is literally about the buckley parents. he spent so long trying to be the perfect son for his parents, trying to solve whatever he’d done to them, trying desperately to just be enough for them and breaking himself in the process. he literally tore himself apart trying to be just something to them. he talks to maddie when he visits her in the hospital (in buck begins) about them thinking he’s a loser and literally begs her to believe him when he says he’s going to be something one day. that’s the effect his parents had on him. and when his parents come back in what’s your grievance/buck begins and he finally gets to tell them how they made him feel his whole life, and that convo with them at the end of buck begins, i think that’s the beginning of him kind of being able to say i’ve grown up now, and yeah what you did will always hurt me but i can move past it now, because i have my own family, i’ve found somewhere where i actually belong. and with the 118, he doesn’t have to be that golden child 

(sure, there’s the protective, kinda mentoring instinct between him and bobby that we see a lot through the early parts of season one especially, but even with that there’s never this expectation that buck’s gotta be perfect - gotta be the golden child. bobby’s trying to help him be a better firefighter and grow as a person but there’s never that pressure that there was with his parents. 

oh and hey maybe that’s why the lawsuit happens because the whole thing about bobby holding him back feels too much like his parents underestimating him, never believing in him (they think i’m a total loser maddie, and i’m not, i’m not okay- i’m gonna be something, i just- don’t know what yet) and it’s hard beause bobby has never made him feel like that but it’s just a little too close)

maybe this trophy isn’t real love 

this lyric. i do not give it enough appreciation but holy fuck. okay but, its like- it fits well with this whole idea that buck grew up with that he always had to deserve love, yanno? like his parents’ neglect basically taught him that he had to be putting himself in danger and hurting himself to be worth even attention. and it’s like- with the 118, he’s finally getting to realise that maybe that’s not how love is supposed to work. he’s been brought up with the idea that he needs to work for this love because otherwise if he’s not good enough people will leave. and this doesn’t even finish with his parents. this goes all the way through to abby, to ali. he has this deep rooted fear that if he’s not good enough then people will leave him, because that’s all he’s really had. and then this lyric- it’s like, him realising that this version of love that his parents fed him isn’t real love, isn’t how parents should love their kids, or how families should care for each other. and it’s just buck’s realisation that this tokenistic love isn’t something that he has to settle for, because it’s not real love. 

and with or without it i’m good enough maybe i’ve done enough 

this kinda carries on from the first point but it’s like, buck finally getting to realise that he doesn’t need his parents love to be worth shit. like his whole childhood he was just trying to be what his parents wanted in the desperate hope that they would see him. and now he’s found this place he really belongs and in the 118 he’s found these people he really belongs with, and it’s like- suddenly he doesn’t need to try- doesn’t need to work to be loved. and it’s like, he’s realising that he doesn’t need to change himself to be worth shit. 

a mess of a story i’m ashamed to tell  but i’m slowly learning how to break this spell 

this- it’s just- the whole thing about buck getting therapy in s4. for so long he’s not really talked to anyone about the shit he’s been through, like even we see in what’s your grievance that the 118 basically know nothing about the buckleys. because buck doesn’t even talk about his past to them really, because he’s so ashamed of it. but him finally being able to go to therapy and work on it, it’s like- he’s slowly learning how to undo all this shit that his parents drilled into him, like about him never being good enough and about him having to work for their love and attention and change himself. and he’s finally learning, with therapy and with the 118 reteaching him all this shit about love (and not even romantic, like buddie is a whole other thing don’t even get me started, like familial love), how to get past his parents and realise that he is worthy of love, regardless of anything else. 

and i finally see myself  through the eyes of no one else 

oh shit but this is important and all right. like. it’s just a little thing but it’s like, buck trying to move on from letting what other people thought of him control him. i think this is something that he’s working on, and something that comes with time, because i think it’s something we see a lot throughout the show. i think it kinda contributes to the whole buck 1.0 thing, like sure a lot of why he wants to move on from ‘buck 1.0′ is about moving on and being a better man and stuff but i think it’s also this thought of being embarrassed of himself, almost? idk but look he has a lot of issues with seeing himself as good enough without the influence of others and i think this lyric links a lot to that. 

now i only want what’s real to let my heart feel what it feels 

again this fits with the whole therapy thing as well but it’s like- throughout the show he’s always been a very heart-on-his-sleeve kinda guy. like that’s just who he is. but like this- to let my heart feel what it feels - its like about him being allowed to be proud of how far he’s come and everything he’s been through with his parents and even after that. and its about him allowing himself to love unashamedly and without fear of people abandoning him, and not like letting that fear stop him from loving. and like yeah im gonna touch on buddie here bc like, it’s like after all this shit, everything that the two of them have been through, it’s like, that line is like him letting himself feel that for eddie, whatever it is. because for so long he’s not let himself get that connection after abby because she hurt him like that and he’s not let himself have this connection with eddie out of fear that it’s not going to be reciprocated or tat he’s a terrible person for falling in love with his best friend or some shit but it’s like- that line is like him allowing himself to feel that, and like that just being okay? like he’s finally getting to accept that he’s fallen in love with this increibleman and his incredible son and the life that he’s built with them, and like it’s about buck falling in love with that life and trusting that it’s not going to disappear from under his feet. and that takes buck a lot of courage because he’s only ever had people that left. and so he’s finally letting his heart feel , and letting his heart guide him, because he deserves it. 

and like even out of a buddie context, with the rest of the 118, it still applies. this shit about letting his heart feel what it feels, it’s like- letting himself believe that this life is something that he can have, that he can settle into, that he can keep. it’s like- he can love these people, and not have to see them leave. and that’s a revolutionary thing for buck, but it’s so freeing. 

and leave my greatest failures on display  with an asterisk  worthy of love anyway

holy fuck this is like, my favourite lyric ever okay but again it’s this idea that he has to work to be loved. he has to fight for attention and for appreciation and for love and like this lyric, it’s about him being able to move on from that and realise that he’s worthy of love at his rawest, without all this work and putting himself at risk. and sure im going back on my buddie bullshit for this but like- it’s eddie that makes him realise this. sure it’s the influence of the whole 118 and maddie and shit but it’s eddie most of all. eddie, who has dealt with his bullshit first hand (the whole jealousy thing in 2x01) and come through it by his side, still wanting to be his friend. eddie, who appreciates him and helps him and supports him and trusts him with his son. eddie, who forgives him, even when, yeah, sometimes he doesn’t need forgiving but then it’s eddie that tells him that (the post-tsunami stuff at the end of 3x03) and reassures him that he’s worthy. eddie, who fights by him and for him and desperately, constantly, tries to make him realise he’s so much more than what his parents deem him to be. eddie, who tells him that he doesn’t have to apologise just for existing and expecting the bare minimum of love from his parents (the boxing scene in - i think? - 4x04). eddie, who fights to get back to him. eddie, who trusts him so much with christopher that he’ll change his will for him. eddie, that loves him. right at his rawest, without all that work, with all his greatest failiures on display. because it’s eddie who’s seen most of that shit, and it’s eddie who’s stayed. who’s made him realise he’s worthy of love, anyway. 

...um

thank you for coming to my ted talk listen to three by sleeping at last and tell me that there is at least some sense in this pls im driving myself up the wall istg