#EVIL women can have my heart and several other organs

[corruptedcaps]

Letting Her Hair Down

“Sarah! You have to help me! I don’t have much time, she’ll take over again any minute. You have to find a way to destroy my ponytail. It’s the reason I’ve become a bully and a bitch and… and… ohhhh no I can feel her taking over again ahhhhhh…. Sarah? What do you want loser? I have places to be. God you’re such a tragic fashion case.”

Sarah looked at Chloe, the resident queen bee of high school and her former dorky friend, with confusion. One minute had been walking down the hall looking like the poster child for being an entitled princess, the next second she slipped and banged her head on the ground.

Sarah being the good person that she was rushed over to help her back up when Chloe started rambling about her ponytail being evil and controlling her. Had she just been pranked by Chloe with this insane story? Then again it did make some sort of sense. Before Chloe had had her bitch makeover she had been a kind and reserved girl, with an underdeveloped body but a good heart. But ever since she got back from her vacation sporting her new bougie and haughty look, with bolted on big tits and a piercing hot stare, she had been a terror to everyone, especially Sarah. Could it be all because of her ponytail? Sarah needed to find out but for now she had to play dumb.

“Oh sorry Chloe it was nothing.” Sarah said sheepishly. Chloe rolled her eyes and pushed Sarah out of the way and left.

As Chloe sauntered off, Sarah's mind raced with thoughts. She couldn't let her former friend suffer in this bizarre predicament. Determination filled her, and she made up her mind to investigate further. If there was any truth to Chloe's claims, she had to find a way to help her break free from the ponytail's grip.

Determined to find answers, Sarah delved into researching anything and everything about hair that could control someone. That’s when she came across the Hairasite.

According to the legend, hairasites were parasitic organisms that resembled strands of hair but possessed a malevolent consciousness. They were known to attach themselves to unsuspecting hosts, taking control of their minds and manipulating their behavior. Sarah's heart skipped a beat as she read accounts of women exhibiting striking similarities to Chloe's transformation.

She discovered that the hairasite's control over its host could be severed by severing its physical connection. The only solution was to cut off the strand of hair hosting the parasite and destroy it completely.

With her newfound knowledge, Sarah formulated a plan to free Chloe from the hairasite's grip. She knew she had to get Chloe alone, away from prying eyes, to execute her daring rescue mission. After careful consideration, she decided to trick Chloe with an offer she couldn't refuse—a coveted invitation to an exclusive fashion event.

Sarah knew Chloe's new vanity would be her downfall. She crafted a fake invitation to a fictitious cheerleader fashion showcase, one that would lure Chloe into a private dressing room on the far side of school where Sarah could safely carry out her plan. The invitation, complete with glamorous details and a promise of VIP treatment, was carefully slipped into Chloe's locker.

As Chloe entered the private dressing room, her eyes which had been full of anticipation soon turned sour as she saw nothing but an empty room. Then she heard the door behind her click as it was locked.

As Chloe turned around to see what was happening, Sarah pounced. With a surge of strength, Sarah lunged at Chloe, grabbing her by the shoulders and wrestling her to the ground. They grappled with each other, their struggle fueled by a mix of desperation and the raw determination of friendship.

“Oh I am going to enjoy getting revenge on you when I get out of here.” Chloe said with a bone chilling laugh as she fought back fiercely, getting the upper hand. Sarah could feel the hairasite's influence giving Chloe’s body strength. But Sarah refused to give up. With a final burst of energy, she managed to pin Chloe down and swiftly reached for a pair of scissors.

In one smooth motion, Sarah snipped the ponytail clean off Chloe's head, severing the hairasite's connection to its host. The air crackled with tension as the room fell into a stunned silence. Sarah watched in wonder as Chloe’s body started to revert back to normal. Her kind soft face emerging from the cruel sharp facade it had once been. Her too nearly slipping off her as her breasts deflated and her height shrank. Disheveled and panting, she stared at Sarah with wide eyes, realization dawning upon her.

Chloe's gratitude poured forth as she regained her senses, her voice trembling with emotion. "Sarah, thank you... thank you for saving me from that nightmare. I don't know what I would've become without you."

However, as Chloe expressed her heartfelt gratitude, a sinister voice slithered into Sarah's mind, intertwining with her thoughts. "Sarah, dear Sarah, I underestimated you," the hairasite hissed, its voice silky and persuasive. "Imagine the power you could possess, the beauty you could radiate if I had chosen you and not Chloe. Join me, embrace me, and together we will rule this world."

Sarah's eyes widened in disbelief as she looked down at her hand to see she was gripping the ponytail she had snipped off Chloe’s head. She watched it’s tendrils reach for her like a weak newborn. Chloe's voice became distant, muffled by the seductive promises echoing in her mind.

The hairasite's voice grew louder, insidious and persuasive. "Sarah, don't you want to be admired? Don't you want to be noticed and feared? You have the power within you. Just embrace me, and we will become unstoppable."

As Sarah grappled with her inner turmoil, she locked eyes with Chloe, desperately trying to maintain her connection to reality. Deep down, she knew she had to find a way to rid herself of the hairasite's influence, but it was becoming harder by the second to not succumb to its alluring promises.

Chloe noticed the change in Sarah's demeanor, her concern deepening. "Sarah, what's wrong? You feeling ok?"

Ignoring the hairasite's relentless persuasion, Sarah took a deep breath and locked eyes with Chloe. "I need to destroy this hairasite once and for all. I have to get to the teachers lounge." Without another word Sarah unlocked the door and ran as fast as she could to the boiler room.

As Sarah's heart pounded with determination, the hairasite's voice grew more desperate. "Sarah, don't you see? I can give you power, beauty, everything you've ever wanted. We can become an even bigger bitch than Chloe was. We can bully her just like she did to you."

Sarah knew she needed to end this fast as she was starting to get turned on by the thoughts the hairasite was putting in her mind. Images of her commanding a clique of beta bitches to do her bidding and lording it over Chloe was making her unbelievably wet.

Breathing heavily, Sarah burst through the door of the teachers lounge, thankfully empty. She saw her goal though, the disused and often forgot about fireplace. With a trembling hand, built a small pyre of sticks and lit a fire beneath and watched the flames dance around and consume the wood, hungry for more.

The hairasite's voice intensified, filled with urgency as it tried one last ditch effort. "You can be in control!" It said as Sarah was one swing away from destroying it forever.

Sarah's hand paused mid-swing, uncertainty etching across her face. She turned to face the hairasite, her eyes narrowing with suspicion. "You have 15 seconds, explain."

The hairasite seized this opportunity, its voice dripping with convincing charm. "Absolutely, Sarah. I took full control of Chloe because she was boring and dull and had no interest in being a bitch but you… you I can sense want it. You crave it. You want to possess unparalleled dominance over those who have ever underestimated you. I don’t need to control you if you’re lust for the same things I do. Just me on your head, and I'll grant you the power you desire."

Hesitation clung to Sarah's every fiber, but the allure of control tugged at her deepest desires. The longing to be noticed, respected, and feared intensified within her. Swallowing her doubts, she cautiously lifted the severed ponytail, gingerly placing it atop her head.

As the hairasite made contact with Sarah's scalp, a sharp jolt coursed through her body. She winced, feeling the hairasite burrowing deeper, intertwining itself with her being. A surge of power rippled through her veins, and she could feel her entire existence beginning to transform.

As the hairasite's influence surged through Sarah's veins, her transformation continued with astonishing speed and detail. Her nails, once short and plain, elongated into sharp, perfectly manicured talons. Each nail shimmered with a deep shade of crimson, perfectly complementing her newfound allure.

Her makeup shifted dramatically, reflecting the captivating charm the hairasite bestowed upon her. Her eyes were accentuated with smoky, seductive eyeshadow, emphasizing their piercing intensity. Thick, luscious lashes framed her gaze, fluttering with a hypnotic allure. Her cheeks radiated a soft rosy blush, enhancing her flawless, tan complexion.

Her skin took on a sun-kissed glow, a subtle tan that exuded the vibrant energy of a cheerleader on the field. It enhanced her already alluring features, lending an air of radiant confidence that demanded admiration.

Sarah's lips transformed into a pout that demanded attention. They became plump and sensuous, painted in a vibrant shade of pink, adding to her irresistible charm. Each word that escaped her now-glossed lips would drip with a confident magnetism, captivating those who dared to listen.

In addition, her breasts seemed to have defied gravity, becoming more ample and accentuated, drawing attention to her newfound confidence. Her figure, now curvaceous and alluring, would command attention from all who laid eyes upon her.

Sarah's demeanor shifted entirely. Once a kind and compassionate soul, she now exuded an aura of dominance and entitlement. Her voice carried a sharp edge, dripping with venomous superiority. Her posture adopted an air of confident dominance. Her eyes sparkled with an icy gaze that dared anyone to challenge her.

Sarah had become the embodiment of the hairasite's promises—a captivating, powerful force that would leave a trail of both admiration and fear in her wake. As she surveyed her transformed reflection in a nearby mirror, a wicked smile spread across her face.

As she twirled a lock of her glossy, transformed hair between her fingertips, Sarah couldn't help but revel in the newfound attention she would undoubtedly receive. She was now a force to be reckoned with, leaving a trail of admirers and envious gazes in her wake.

As Chloe cautiously entered the teachers lounge, her eyes widened in shock at the sight before her. Standing there, radiating confidence and exuding an aura of dominance, was the transformed Sarah. Her gaze turned icy, and a unnerving smile curled upon her lips as she locked eyes with Chloe.

"Well, well, well," Sarah sneered, her voice dripping with cruelty. "Look who decided to follow. Surprised to see the new me?"

Chloe stumbled backward, her voice trembling. "You let her go! It’s me you want, she doesn’t deserve this! Fight it Sarah, don't let this control you!"

A mocking laughter escaped Sarah's lips as she relished in Chloe's bewildered expression. "Oh, Chloe, I’m not being controlled by anyone or anything expect my long buried desires. It's time you realized that power and beauty is all I’ve ever wanted. I've shed my former self, and I won't be held back by weak friendships anymore."

Chloe's eyes welled up with tears, hurt and confusion etched across her face. "No! You’re lying! I don’t believe you! Give me my friend back!"

Sarah's expression hardened, devoid of empathy. “Friend? That's amusing. I have no use for the weak and pitiful. And just to prove it’s me, how about I let my hair down?”

Sarah reached up to the ponytail tie and pulled it. Her blonde hair cascaded down and flowed hypnotically with every sway. She ran her perfectly manicured fingers through her locks, feeling a pleasurable tingle.

“See? There is no hairasite anymore. No Sarah. We are one cruel, manipulative and sexy bitch called Sasha and you’re just a loser nobody who could of had it all but now you’re just in my way.”

With those cutting words, Sasha pushed past Chloe, leaving her standing there, shattered and betrayed. The transformed Sasha reveled in her newfound power, savoring the control she now held over Chloe's emotions, and soon the rest of the school.

[monasteryicons]

1 - Turning the bad times into good times We have been here before, and chances are we will find ourselves here again – history shows us that this is the way of this world. What to do? Saint Augustine answers: “Bad times, hard times, this is what people keep saying; but let us live well, and times shall be good. We are the times: Such as we are, such are the times.”

2 - "You are the light of the world." What an incredible statement by Christ! As men and women of prayer, we are not weak, we are not powerless. And together, our seemingly small lights can bring a great illumination. In the 1940’s a religious teacher brought his students to a nighttime concert at the Hollywood Bowl. At one point small candles were distributed to the audience members, and at a signal everyone lit their candle. The amphitheater was gloriously illuminated! The lesson being ended, the teacher led his students out of the concert.

3 - "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." - Saint John Vianney These words from Saint James the Apostle should not be taken lightly. The history of the Church abounds in stories of the miraculous effect of prayer, and even science has finally begun to catch up with the religion and realize this. In 1988 Dr. Randolph Byrd organized a double-blind study of 393 patients in a coronary unit, dividing them into two randomized groups, one of which was put on a list to receive intercessory prayer on their behalf without their knowledge. The other group was a control and was not prayed for. The study concluded that the patients in the first group scored statistically lower in the severity of their medical needs, showing that prayers even from remote strangers positively affected the outcome of their medical treatment. It works! (But you already knew that.)

4 - Don't forget your heavenly friends The sense of isolation and of powerlessness are probably what make difficult times so painful for so many. But as Christians, we are never alone, we are never helpless. Don’t forget to call on your heavenly friends, who are always ready and eager to help you and all those you pray for – the holy angels, the saints, and of course our Lord and the Blessed Virgin. “The Church Militant” is not just a metaphor. We are part of, and surrounded by a great heavenly army.

When the king of Syria sent a great army to capture the prophet Elisha, the prophet’s terrified servant cried “What shall we do?” Mystically seeing the great angelic army which God had sent to protect him, Elisha told his servant: “Fear not, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” (2 Kings 6:16)

5 - Pray for your enemies - Betsie Ten Boom Christ taught that we must recognize the reality of evil in the world; ours is not a faith of rose-colored glasses. As Christians, how should we react to this evil? Among other things, Christ taught us to pray for our enemies. Think of the tortured condition of the people wreaking havoc in the world at this time. As difficult as it may be, let us bring them too before God in prayer, that His light will drive the darkness out of their hearts and minds.

After some months of their imprisonment in a Ravensbruck concentration camp because they concealed Jews in their home in Holland, the two Dutch sisters Corrie and Betsie Ten Boom learned the identity of the Dutch man who had colluded with the Nazis and betrayed their family. Corrie brimmed with hatred for the man who had brought such suffering literally to their doorstep. Her father was dead because of this man, and it was because of that traitor that Betsie was slowly dying. When she asked her sister “Doesn’t it bother you?” she replied “Oh yes, Corrie! Terribly! I’ve felt for him ever since I knew—and pray for him whenever his name comes into my mind.” As Betsie grew weaker, she kept insisting that she and Corrie had work to do after the war. She planned to have rehabilitation homes – with green paint and window boxes – for concentration camp survivors as well as for people who had helped the Nazis.

[wh3r3sth3l0ve]

Sora x Tifa

Part 30

Part 29 below

Two hours later they gathered a little bit of news about the Unversed. They met the man they rescued the night before and two women claiming they saw those strange creatures.

Unfortunately, none of them provided any clues for why these monsters even appeared. They were also asking about a man in red armor but no one spotted anyone alike.

- I may have a theory… - Sora stated.

Tifa and Riku listened closely to what he said.

- Vanitas, he was Ventus’s darkness, right? But he looked like my evil twin. Maybe… - he was afraid to say that out loud. - Maybe he’s back… because of… me.

- It’s not impossible… - Riku touched his chin. - I wonder, maybe we should talk to Ventus?

- Excuse me but, who’s Ventus? - Tifa felt a little lost in the story.

Sora and Riku looked at each other and clearly both of them thought about the same thing.

- It’s a really long story and Sora possibly doesn't remember a lot from it. - Riku said.

- Actually, - Sora interrupted. - maybe it’s not a bad idea. You could tell us everything you know and maybe it could help me remember more.

- Are you sure? I really don’t want to see you in that state again. - Riku looked scared. - And it would surely take several hours.

- If I am to help you and we want to solve this Unversed mystery, I want to know everything. - Tifa decided. - Let’s go to the bar, I’ll provide food and drinks.

Ten minutes later they made themselves comfortable by the table with fresh juice and were ready to listen to Riku’s story.

- It started with Aqua, Terra and Ventus…

He told them about how both Sora and himself got to become Keyblade wielders, about Master Xehanort and creation of Vanitas. He told about what happened to Destiny Island at the beginning of their journey, him falling into darkness, Maleficent and Ansem. Then Organization XIII and its leader Xemnas, Nobodies and their plan to use Sora’s powers to create Kingdom Hearts. After that he mentioned searching for Aqua in the Realm of Darkness, finding Ventus and how it all led to the Keyblade War where finally Sora was able to help him with the story.

A couple of hours later Tifa felt a bit overwhelmed with the amount of information but now she could understand what happened. Sora also had his head full of information and he remembered a few new things from his past.

- So, that is some story but what do we do now? - Tifa asked.

- I can go to meet Ventus and ask him if he knows anything. - Riku offered.

- Hey, I’d like to meet him too. I haven't seen him since the Keyblade War. - Sora said.

- Let’s go together then. - Tifa felt that she didn't want to let Sora go without her. - Is there enough room in your ship for our trio?

- Yeah, no prob. - Riku smiled.

- When do we go then? - Sora literally could not keep his seat.

- We have to tell the gang that we’re off. Then we can go anytime.

- Great, let’s start tomorrow morning. - Riku stood up. - I need to get some rest. Talking is more exhausting than fighting.

He went to the basement and a moment later the pinball machine was back on the floor, covering the entrance.

- We should probably do the same. - Tifa said. - And as we have some free time, we can do something fun tonight.

She smiled playfully with a slight blush on her face. This look made Sora want to go straight home but before doing that, they split up to tell the guys about their journey.

[theawkwardvirgin]

Margaret Sanger: A Racist, Ableist Eugenicist

In honor of the March for Life taking place yesterday, here’s a friendly reminder that Margaret Sanger was a racist, ableist eugenicist.

In her article My Way to Peace, she outlined this 3-step plan to prevent “fifteen or twenty millions of our population” from tainting society:

Sterilizing anyone with mental or physical disabilities and putting them to work on segregated farms for the rest of their lives.

Putting poor, illiterate, drug-addicted, or sex-working individuals to work on state-run concentration farms, which they would only be allowed to leave if they reformed and accepted sterilization.

Institute mandatory birth-control training for women with serious illnesses like heart disease, to discourage them from having children.

In that same document, she specifies that she includes those “barred from entrance by the Immigration Laws of 1924” and their descendants among the undesirable groups that should be sterilized and segregated—said immigration laws barred Asians and imposed severe restrictions on the number of Africans and Arabs allowed to enter the country.

Her support for this plan actually resulted in 30 states passing laws allowing for forced sterilization: “At least 70,000 people in the United States were forcibly sterilized under the laws promoted by Sanger and her associates. Far more, especially women prisoners and women on welfare, were surreptitiously sterilized.”

She went on to say in A Better Race Through Birth Control that “women of subnormal mentality, however lacking they may be in vision and altruism, would prefer to avoid the pain and responsibilities of procreation, if the satisfaction of sex could be divorced from reproduction.”

In her article In Defense of Assassination, she said, “Exterminating warfare is also waged against the savage members of the human race wherever they oppose the establishment of conditions necessary for the development of the more highly organized types.”

In fact, Sanger’s eugenicist beliefs are so blatant that a Planned Parenthood center in NYC actually removed their founder’s name from their clinic because they didn’t want to be associated with her eugenicist policies—an ironic decision, as they continue to advocate for some of the methods of eugenics Sanger supported.

While Sanger’s ultimate mission of segregation and forced sterilization has failed, her eugenicist beliefs continue to succeed in more subtle ways. For instance, in NYC in 2013, more Black babies were aborted than born, at a rate of 67.3 per 1,000, a rate vastly higher than any other racial group. While that rate decreased to 32.6 in 2020, the disparity between races increased, with Black babies being aborted over 5 times more often than their white counterparts.

The fact that Margaret Sanger supported the forced sterilization and enslavement of POC, drug addicts, sex workers, and disabled individuals has been suppressed for decades, so as not to complicate the message that she is a champion of women’s rights. Ignoring these facts—ignoring her own words—allows these evils to continue uncontested. We cannot remain in ignorance. We cannot meaningfully separate Planned Parenthood’s current actions from their founder, especially as the racial disparities are only growing more extreme. Regardless of how you feel about abortion, it’s eugenicist roots are a vital piece of information to have when considering it.

Now that Roe v. Wade has been overturned, the March for Life has turned even more attention to mitigating the damage done by Margaret Sanger’s eugenicist beliefs. Specifically, to ensure that all pregnant women and their families have easier access to several kinds of support, so they can make a truly informed decision instead of believing that abortion is their only option.

With every woman, with every child.

[riverdamien]

"Trust No Man!"

Sloughing Towards Galilee!

"Trust No Man!"

"But Jesus on his part would not entrust himself to them. "Trust No Man, "for he knew what is in everyone." John 2:24.

These are harsh words spoken by Jesus and the message of the gospel his care will be: "Love is the heart's immortal thirst to completely be known and all before given (Henry Van Dyke).

The only person who has ever been there in such a manner for me is Jesus, even though I have tried to find that amid humanity.

My first denomination loved me and trained me, and when I came out as gay, turned their backs on me and shamed me publicly, using lies, so it has been my experience of institutions through the years and so I have gone through a deconstruction of my relationship with institutions--you can "Trust No Institution.

Over ten years ago, a new addition to our ministry was that of working with inmates on death row, children, young men primarily being human trafficked, and several "friends" of mind walked away, my shoulder was busted, and for months was in much pain, during a period of absolute aloneness.

I went through several months of drinking, and pot smoking; I have always hated alcohol, and can not stand its taste, but I drank it. Until one day  I rereading John, I was reminded of the words of Jesus to "trust no human being!" Jesus touched my heart, reminding me: "I called you in your mother's womb," I became a "straight edge", by choice, got off my ass, and started working.

In the last six months or so as we have begun planning for our 30th anniversary, messages of telling me, "It is time for you to retire," You have had a good run," There has been no one I can turn to anymore, money is not coming in as it was, and Temenos depends on what I can raise, and so I pay high taxes, I have been feeling very much alone, very much so, and again, the smiling face of Jesus comes "Trust no human being! Follow Me! All will be well!" Jesus was reminding me of the words of Henry Van Dyke,"Love is the heart's immortal thirst to completely be known and all before given!" I find that love in him and so as I turn my total focus back to ministry as  I receive a phone call, reminding me of a young man, for whom I have much sadness.

Jacob was fifteen, fighting with his parents, and ran away. On a dark rainy night, he called me, wanting to come over, and never made it. He never lied to me and I felt his desperation when he called. I became worried and called his parents so did they, but as usual, the police said, "Oh he will be home." Later rumors on the streets came to me he had met a nicely dressed gentleman for whom he provided services, and was promised a lot of money to join him and his other young guys on a "road trip", and Jacob was sent to your Europe, trafficked. His parents several years later sent me an email, they had received a set of his clothes and told me he had died, and they were moving away. They could not stay in their old house or the area with so many negative memories.

Human trafficking is real, it is heavy in San Francisco, Chicago, and Los Angeles, never talked about except about girls, for you know boys can choose what they want to do for they have erections, such bull shit!

Today sextortion is real, minors are being extorted over the internet, and some lead into human trafficking.

Below I am attaching a memo sent out on the subject this morning, listen, and let the reality that evil sink into your heart, no one chooses to be trafficked, young men and women are trafficked on the streets and residences of San Francisco, so listen or read and meditate:

Dear faith community partners in the fight against human trafficking and child exploitation,

On December 19th, 2022, the FBI issued a Safety Warning regarding the Sextortion of young boys playing video games.   With the advent of 5G, criminal organizations in 3rd world countries now have access to our children.  As a result, the FBI is now raising the alarm regarding their aggressive blackmail tactics which is causing an alarming rise in teen suicides, especially among boys.

We know that over the summer the rate of both human trafficking and sextortion go up dramatically. For that reason, I created a 5.5-minute video entitled “How We Protect Children From the Fastest Growing Form of Cyber Exploitation” that can be shown to parents and anyone who has contact with youth.  The video illustrates exactly how both young children and teens are being approached.   It also includes how to report and where one can get free downloadable resources that churches and schools can use to raise awareness. 

Please do share and like the video below so that we can protect young children from losing their innocence and prevent more teen suicides.  For those churches that are looking for more on what they can do to fight human trafficking and child exploitation, do get our book at Amazon entitled “The Role of the Church in Ending Human Trafficking, A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Take Effective Action.”

My God continue to bless your efforts to bring Jesus to our lost world.

Susan Patterson

Director, Through Gods Grace Ministry

www.throughGodsgrace.com

Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God!

--------------------------------------------------

Dr. River Damien Sims, sfw, D.Min., D.S.T.

Post Office Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

www.temenos.org

paypal.com

415-305-2124

Dr. River Sims, D.Min., D.S.T.

Director

Certificate in Drug and Alcohol Addiction

Certificate in Spiritual Direction

Certificate In Religious Trauma

(30th Anniversary Celebration!)

October 5, 2024

5:00 p.m.

Victor's Pizza

(Where Bought Youth First Pizza!)

Prayer of St. Brendan!

"Help me to journey beyond the familiar

and into the unknown.

Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with You. Christ of the mysteries I trust in You to be stronger than each storm within me.

I will trust in the darkness and know that my times, even now, are in Your hands.

Tune my spirit to the music of heaven,

and somehow, make my obedience count for You"

------------------------------------------------

(Temenos and Dr. River seek to remain accessible to everyone. We do not endorse particular causes, political parties, or candidates, or take part in public controversies, whether religious, political or social--Our pastoral ministry is to everyone!

================================

[bonefall]

Does mapleshade still follow Crookedstar in this? What if her purpose doing that is to make sure riverclan never rejects a half-clan kit again (that’s why he doesn’t question Misty and stone and another reason for wanting his grandkits in riverclan)

I'm passionate about the idea that people are heavily influenced by their circumstances. It's much easier to be a good person when you have loving guidance and the environment to be your best self. Likewise, pain and suffering can bring out the worst even in the kindest, most selfless people.

And in both of the AUs I have for Mapleshade, she is not a particularly nice person to begin with. But being StarClan's best prosecutor allows the positive aspects of her personality to shine. So to answer your question:

"Does Mapleshade still follow Crookedstar?"

#Bonefall Rewrite

In the current version of my rewrite, Mapleshade is condemned to the Dark Forest for 3 counts of murder. She takes the ruling with pride and confidence, playing to the sympathetic crowd by chasing the other damned souls into the Dark Forest.

In truth she's just as spiteful as she was in life, and now she's alone with no friends or family, bored, in Hell, and uses all that spare time to haunt Appledusk's lineage, and basically everyone associated with her death (Perchpaw/shine as well).

So, it's really not for a constructive reason that she follows Stormkit. She pushed him off the stone to kill him and only broke his jaw. She notices that Rainflower has a spiteful, awful view of her son, and decides that it would cause even more suffering to keep Stormkit alive. She kills some more kits so he'll have a foster to suckle him, just to watch them make each other miserable.

(rewrite recap: Rainflower is now the Appledusk descendant. Stormkit is not getting a cruel renaming, Crookedjaw is an honor title.)

Crookedstar follows Darkstar's commandment, the Queen's Rights, because he is a good, proud leader who abides by the traditions of his predecessors. That's all. Mapleshade doesn't need to bully him into 'clan loyalty' or anything, her haunting is much more actively malevolent than canon.

#Better Call Mapleshade AU

In StarClan, Mapleshade is with her kits. Her wonderful, sweet children-- they are an excellent influence. She's still ruthless and vengeful, of course, but she lives for the contrary position she can hold up to StarClan

A LOT of her motivation stems from that. From knowing that StarClan would otherwise let people in who shouldn't be there (hypocritical? Yes) and she takes this duty very seriously.

The BCM AU shares some aspects of the Bonefall Rewrite, but here, I think it's very similar to canon. Mapleshade watches Rainflower emotionally abuse an innocent kitten, and she KNOWS that Rainflower would just get into StarClan without any intervention (the way she did in canon). Mapleshade needs more evidence to condemn her-- and she will create scenarios to get what she needs.

On one paw this IS born out of righteous fury. She IS thinking of her own kits, you might agree that Rainflower deserved the Dark Forest, and Mapleshade won't FORCE Rainflower to do anything she wouldn't already do. She will test her, that's all.

But to test her? She is going to use Crookedkit. This WILL cause a lot more pain to him than if she just left it all alone and let Rainflower get into StarClan. She encourages him into positions of power to prove himself, she lets this young cat think that his value is tied to what his abusive mother thinks of him.

Because the more pain he displays, the further the lengths he goes to in service of appeasing Rainflower, the more Mapleshade can use as ammo to get her damned.

Mapleshade always serves her own interests first and foremost, not those of the greater good.

[axwalker]

If The World Was Ending: Even if he was wicked

Synopsis: When Bianca leaves her son without looking back, Drake has to live on the streets until he finds a home with Angelica Ortiz--Lexie’s grandmother and a foster mom. With the Ortiz, Drake finds a family and falls madly in love, until a tragic night changes everything, threatening the life Drake fought so hard to get.

To catch up (HERE)

Pairing: Drake Walker x Lexie O’Brien (MC) The Royal Romance.

A/N: This will be a very angsty, full of drama, small town romance.

Words: 4,120

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry, except for Lexie’s grandmother and mother.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Child neglect, abandonment, sexual assault, prison and a very entitled, “evil” Liam

Due to the several trigger warnings and some of the subjects I’ll be dealing with, I will only tag people who actively asked for it. If you want to be tagged in the following chapters --or untagged, please leave a comment. 

Drake

2008

When I was 12 years old, my mother took off with my little sister leaving me in Cordonia with my father's best friend. I reminded her too much of my father, too much of a life she would do anything to forget. That "anything" included abandoning her oldest son. I'd like to say I was surprised, but the truth is I wasn't. Bianca Walker had never been a motherly woman. The only reason she had taken Savannah with her was that my Aunt Leona adored her. I was sure my mother would dump my little sister on her and never look back. I hoped that was the case, Leona despised me, but she was great to Savannah. 

A short time after that, Bastien passed away and my mother was nowhere to be found. That's when I started to go from one home to another. The first year and a half were the hardest ones. I lived with four different families, each one worse than the last. First, the Lockes, where the family barely talked to me. Then, the Ruiz that made me take cold showers and sleep on the floor. The Godwins where the “mother” used the check the state gave her to buy alcohol instead of groceries. And finally the worse, the Fields. They seemed nice enough when I met them. Not kind but polite. The first few weeks everything seemed normal. Then one day, I got in trouble at school, and Mr. Fields --the pastor of his community, beat me up to “teach me some manners.” His punishments became a usual thing after that. 

Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I escaped. Better to be on my own than believe some family was going to love or adopt me. Obviously, there was something very wrong with me. My own mother had left me, and I had never found my place anywhere else. 

I lived on the streets for 6 months. I did all kinds of jobs. Not a lot of them were legal but there were few opportunities for a 14-year-old runaway kid. The most money I got was when I stole car parts that I got to resell to a gang called the Mercy Park Crew. The boss, Mr. Kaneko was fair and paid well enough. I could’ve kept living by myself if something hadn’t got terribly wrong at my last job. One of the boys from a rival gang decided to teach me a lesson and I ended up in the hospital with a concussion. A nurse called social services so here I am in a car with another social worker on the way for another foster home. It doesn’t matter, I know it won’t last anyway. 

When you’ve been in the system as long as I had, you learned to look for certain warning signs when placed in a new home. Drugs, ulterior motives, threatening fathers, drinking mothers. After an hour, we drove through a town looking like something straight out of a movie. Valtoria. I’d heard of it before. The family my dad had been protecting when he died lived there. The house we pulled up to, was a large two-story construction with dark brown siding and an immaculate green lawn. 

Joelle, my new caseworker had popped up out of nowhere in the hospital and told me I was coming with her. Just like that. From the way Joelle talked about the new place, I figured it was some sort of transitional home for rejects like me. Too old to get adopted and too troubled for anyone to voluntarily take on. I didn’t ask her anything else because I knew I didn’t have a fucking choice. Besides, I knew words don’t mean anything. I was a kid in the system. I went where they took me. Sometimes, I hated it. Sometimes, I really hated it. This time was different. In more ways than one. Usually, I was dropped off by my caseworker, and the people receiving me were about as excited as they were about junk mail. No one has ever come out to greet me before. As long as the woman at the door wasn’t sizing me up for a skin suit, it didn’t matter.

The social worker got out of the car as I grabbed the trash bag that I used to carry my shit around. She rang the bell, and a small, older woman opened the door. Joelle had told me in the car that the woman fostered several boys and I knew what that meant. She wanted the money the government gave her for keeping us. Well, I wasn’t going to make it easy for her. If she wanted to cash a check at the end of the month it was going to cost her. I’d make sure of it. 

I had seen it all, but I still was caught by surprise when the tiny woman opened her arms at me and gave me a one-sided hug. A fucking hug. 

“I’m very happy to meet you, mijo,” she said in a strong accent. “My name is Angelica Ortiz but everyone here calls me Abuela. Grandma in Spanish.” 

The woman was deluded if she thought I’d call her grandma. She was obviously trying to impress the social worker with her fake kindness, hugs, and stupid names. I wasn’t going to be fooled that easily. 

I didn’t even answer her as we stepped into the house. Another woman, a younger version of the one staring at me was waiting for us in the living room. 

“Hi, you must be Drake. I’m Elena. Welcome.” She gave me a smile. Fake, I was sure but at least she hadn't tried to hug me. The older woman was talking to Joelle about me. Probably about my problems with authority, anger issues, and lack of communication skills. I knew my file by heart. 

I barely nodded at Elena, and the three women exchanged a look. “Let me take you to your room, Drake. You’ll be sharing it with Maxwell. He’s doing his homework with my daughter in our house across the street. You’ll get to meet all the boys and my daughter Lexie tonight.” 

She walked me to a room on the second floor of the house. It seemed clean and comfortable. Another ploy for the social worker. Two bunker beds with blue blankets and a wooden desk full of books were the biggest pieces of furniture. The left side of the room was covered in posters of who I figured were famous boy bands. There were a few of David Beckham, the only guy I recognized. Other than that there were clothes everywhere. That Maxwell dude was a fucking slob. Great. 

“I told Max to take down some posters so you can decorate half of the room to your liking; This is your room as much as it is his. He's usually much more organized than this." I notice she speaks with a sort of fondness. "It was picture day for the school yearbook and he took hours getting ready. ” 

I shrugged. I wasn’t planning to stay long anyway. I couldn’t care less if that Max kid left his posters on the walls or not. 

She glanced at my garbage bag. “Are those your clothes, mijo?” 

I scowled at her. I knew what mijo meant and I was nobody’s son. “My name is Drake.” 

She smiled. “Of course, Drake. So, are they?”

I didn’t bother with an answer. A nod was enough. 

“I cleared you this part of the closet, so you can keep them there. When you’re ready come downstairs; my mom and I will show you the rest of the house. The boys are out but we’ll all diner together tonight. Do you like Mexican food?”

I shrugged.

The woman smiled. “Shrugging is not an answer, mij- Drake. Either you like it, you don’t, or you haven’t tasted it in which case I can tell you, you’re missing out. Especially when mami cooks.” She winked at me as if we were friends or something. The woman was insane. “So, what is it, Drake?”

I’d never had it before, but she wasn’t going to tell me how to answer a damn question. “I hate it.” 

She frowned --clearly disappointed, and I almost felt bad for her. Almost. “I’m very sorry to hear that. We already made Enchiladas for tonight and we don’t waste food. You can tell us your favorite dish though so we can make it for you.”

I shrugged again. Generally, that's when the person talking to me loses her patience but Elena Ortiz only smiled at me again. “Think about it. Every Sunday night, we pick someone’s favorite and cook it. It’s really fun. Next Sunday will be your first here, so you get to pick. Mami is a great cook and she can make anything from a mean chocolate cake to the best cheese pizza. See you downstairs, honey.” 

Great. I’ve only been in this house for a few minutes, and I already hated it. The only thing worse than a home where you were beaten up as a welcome was a home where people pretended to care. My third foster home had been like that. Ms. Godwin had been all kind and nice at first. I almost felt like she cared about us. A week later, she had gotten drunk. For two days, neither I or the two girls she fostered had anything to eat because she hadn’t bought any groceries. I had to steal a twenty euro bill from her purse to buy food. She got angry and called the social worker who had come for me and taken me to the Fields. The worst home I ever lived in. 

I wasn’t going to go downstairs but I decided that if I wanted a chance to escape it was better if I knew the house. Before I could explore a little, I heard my name from what I assumed was the kitchen. 

Elena was crouching in front of the oven. “Drake has such sad eyes, mami. He’s only 14.” 

The woman that had asked me to call her abuela, answered as she chopped an onion. “This boy has been living in the streets for more than a year. Do you realize it? Pobre angelito. So young and he has already seen more horrors than most people see in a lifetime.” 

“Joelle told me that he had escaped from his last foster home.”

The older woman scoffed. “Home? If that’s how you call people that foster kids only for the money, they get in exchange. I don’t want to imagine why he fled those places." She turned to her daughter who had finished whatever she was doing in the oven and was drinking a bottle of water. "Stop watching me work, Elena and help me with diner, por Dios.”

Why was she pretending she didn’t care about the money? It was obvious. No one did anything for free. There was always a catch. 

“Dónde está mi venadito?”

“Lexie and Max are at our house doing homework, mami. Be careful, though, if Lexie hears you calling her “your little deer” she’ll kill you. The boys called her Bambi for months after they heard you the last time.”

“Nonsense. She’s my venadito and that’s that. You two will come to eat here tonight. I want Drake to meet everyone.”

Elena rolled her eyes but patted her mom on the back. “Yes mami. Lexie is dying to meet him, she and Max made a chocolate cake for him. I’ll call her in a minute. Where are the boys by the way?” 

“Bertie is trying to teach Leo how to drive. Poor boy, I hope he makes it alive.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure Leo will be careful. Bertrand will be fine.”

“Oh, it’s not Bertie I’m worried about, it’s Leo. Bartie has no patience with him.” 

I left the kitchen before they said anything else. I was sure I was going to hate this stupid place. I was angry. More than angry. Furious. After a year of successfully running away, I was back in the damn system. Back in yet another home where people seemed to care about me in front of the social worker just to ignore me –or worse, once she left. I had to admit that my new foster “moms” played their part better than most. The old one had hugged me and the other one had given me a smile that seemed real. But I knew better. No one really cared for me. No one gave a shit where I slept, what I ate, or if I was ill or scared. Not that I was ever scared. I had seen everything. 

The front door was locked so I went to the backyard. I saw a small wooden house on top of one of the trees. I decided it was a good place to hide and be myself. 

I sat there for a few moments when I heard someone climbing the tree. 

“Hi!”

I looked up and saw a girl a couple of years younger than me. She had the biggest pair of brown eyes I’ve ever seen and was smiling at me as if I was her best friend. 

“I’m Lexie! I live across the street. I’m Angelica’s granddaughter. You’re Drake, right?” I didn’t think it was possible to smile more but the girl proved me wrong when her grin widened. I simply nodded. 

“Welcome! I know that it must be hard for you to feel at home because you like just arrived but you’ll love it here. I promise. Valtoria is great. We have lakes and the mountains and when it’s warm enough we can go camping all night. You’ll love the house too. I mean between you and me the boys are kind of a pain in the ass but they’re pretty great when they want to. Or when they're not teasing me. Especially Leo and Maxie. Bertrand is a know-it-all. He thinks because he’s sixteen he knows everything." She rolled her eyes clearly offended by the idea that someone could know more than her. "Abuela, that how we all call her because she’s Mexican and would murder us if we call her grandma, is amazing. I mean don’t get me wrong, she's super strict, and as my mom says the woman is never wrong but she’s the best person I know.” 

I blinked. I didn’t know a person could talk that much without taking a single breath. 

“Do you camp?” She asked as she folded her legs in front of her.

I did before. Before my dad died and my whole life blew up in a million pieces. Not that I would explain any of that to the chatty girl, so I just nodded again. 

“Great! It’s getting warmer and Leo wants to go to a new camping site next weekend. Don’t tell him I said this but he’s like the worst camper ever. I have to double-check everything he does but I don’t tell him anymore because my mom said it wasn’t nice.” 

I wondered how could someone carry a whole conversation by herself. I hadn’t pronounced a single word since the girl had shown up. 

“I want to be your friend but I can see we’re about to have our first fight.” She told me in a teasing tone. “You’re wearing a Liverpool t-shirt. We worship Barcelona in this house. Well, Abuela, Leo and I do. The others couldn’t care less about soccer.” 

I looked at the shirt she was wearing. It read "If they don't have soccer in heaven, I'm not going." 

She noticed I was looking at her shirt and beamed. "Abue said my shirt was disrespectful to God but mom thought that was dumb and bought it for me anyway." 

"Do you like soccer?" I finally asked. 

“Like it? I love it! Did abuela saw your shirt? She hates European teams. She thinks Tigres is the best.”

“Tirgues?”

She laughed, and the sound of it did something weird to my stomach. “Tigres. It’s a Mexican team. She goes crazy when they play.”

“What team you like?”

“Barcelona, obviously.”

“Liverpool made it to the finals of the last Champion’s league.” I pointed out. 

She shrugged. “They lost so it doesn’t count. Do you play?”

“Sometimes.” I tried not to show how much I loved it. It was something else my dad and I shared that had stopped when he died. 

“I play too. How old are you?”

“Fourteen.”

“I'm twelve. Well, almost thirteen, my birthday is in May.”

I frowned. “It’s November.” 

“I know. I’m almost there.” She beamed. "I'm almost closer to thirteen than twelve anyway." 

“Do you always talk this much?”

She laughed and my belly did that weird thing again. “My mom says I was a parrot in another life. I talk more when I’m nervous.”

“You're nervous?” I liked that I could make her nervous but I didn't know why. 

She blushed and I liked it too. “A little. What happened to your eye?” 

“I got into a fight.”

“Wow. You can’t do that here. Leo is always getting into fights and abuela has to ground him.”

She sure mentioned that Leo guy a lot. “Is Leo your boyfriend?”

“Gross!! Leo’s is like my brother. He, Bertie, and Max live with abuela. We’re a family. You’re family too.”

Fuck that. No matter if the girl was sort of cute. I didn’t have a family. “No, I’m not. I’m not staying.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I don’t belong here.”

“Yes, you do; I swear. Plus, I need someone to coach me, so I can get into the school team next year. Leo promised he would, but he never has time.” 

“I suck.”

She shook her head and smiled at me again. “Somehow I don’t think you do.” Then she gave me a conspiratorial look as she pulled out something from her jacket pocket. "You can't tell my mom about this but I took this from her room." It was a white iPod. After scrolling a little through the screen she settled on The Beach Boys. She couldn't possibly know it but they were my dad's favorites. She passed me an earbud and we didn’t talk after that. We just sat together for a while hearing music until we heard our names being called. 

“That’s abuela. We should go. She hates to wait. Plus, I'm starving and we're having enchiladas. You'll love them.” 

Lexie ran to her house to --as she put it-- 'hide the evidence.' I went back to her grandma's house and stepped into the kitchen. 

“Drake, pass me the salt, mijo. It’s next to you on the counter,” Angelica said as she kept on turning the sauce she was making. “You like enchiladas?” 

What was with all these women asking me what I liked to eat? I leaned against the black counter while she opened the lid of another steaming pot on the stove, and stirred its contents with a long wooden spoon. I shrugged. I didn’t know if I liked it. But it smelled better than anything I ever tasted, so it couldn’t be all that bad. My mouth started watering, and my stomach growled. Come to think of it, it had been a while since I’d last eaten.

“You know, I know you feel weird now. And you don’t like to talk a lot. Soon, you’ll learn that this is a safe place. We aren’t gonna judge a single word that comes out of your mouth or any of them that don’t.” 

I suddenly felt like I owed her a verbal response in exchange for her kindness. Fake or not. Besides, I just knew the chatty girl I’ve just met wouldn’t be happy if I was rude to her grandmother. “Yes, ma’am.”

She smiled at my verbal response. “But just so you know. We do have a few rules in this house.” 

Here it comes. The catch. Angelica put the lid back on the pot and leaned over the counter on her elbows. “You just need to go to school, find a hobby or sport you like, don't swear, respect the curfew and keep your room clean. Every child in this house has chores but it’s too soon to figure out yours. For now, you only have to get to know us.” Her eyes crinkled as she smiled at me. At that moment the timer of the oven rang and Angelica took a huge dish out of it. She covered it with more steamy, tomato sauce, sour cream, and grated cheese and put it back in the oven. At least, I might get some good food while I figured what I was going to do next. Because no matter how nice and kind everybody acted, I was not going back to school. I used to be good at it without much effort; I had friends and a soccer team. But I had missed a lot in the last two years. I felt dumb and stupid. 

Suddenly, the front door slammed open. “Cuidado muchachos! Be careful with that door against the wall, or you’re going be spackling and repainting this entire house,” Angelica yelled out. Three teenage boys filed into the house, followed by just as many apologies. 

“Sorry.” “Oops.” “It was Max’s fault.” “

“These are Maxwell, Leo and Bertie,” Angelica introduced. “Boys, this is Drake.” 

“Hi, man!” The blond one said with a shit-eating grin. “Abuela, Lena, you guys didn’t tell me you were buying a Liverpool fan.” 

“Adoption is not a purchase of people, Leo” the oldest one --Bertrand, corrected. 

“Yeah, cause if it was, then you got Leo from the clearance rack,” the youngest one joked, checking his reflection in the hallway mirror, smoothing back an out-of-place dark hair. “I hope you kept your receipt.” 

“Fuck, off,” the blond one replied with a middle finger. 

“Watch it, Leo,” Angelica warned. “Boys.” 

Max kissed her on the cheek. “Sorry, abue.” She forgave him with a smile, then swatted at his hand with her spoon when he dipped his finger into the pot. 

“I’m glad you’re here, bro” Leo said. I stood, and he gave me a fist bump without touching my hand. 

“Me too! And we’re going to be roomies,” the kid named Max said. He grabbed a stack of plates from the counter. I followed him over to the long dining room table and helped set the table for seven people.

2020

I lost count of how many days I’ve been in the hole. It wasn’t my first time in here and it sure as hell it wouldn’t be the last. It was always the same routine. Days and nights blended into one making it impossible to know what day it was or how much time I had been in here. 

I have been in jail for six excrutiating years. I had known from the day I heard the sentencing that the only way I was going to survive was if I didn’t think about her. It was the hardest thing I had to do but after a while, my routine was running smoothly and when my head hit the pillow at night, I was too fucking exhausted. She haunted my dreams and my nightmares, but I didn’t think of her beyond that. Except for the hole. Locked up there, cold, hungry, and utterly alone her face, my memories of her were the only thing that helped me go on. 

I replayed in my head our first encounter, our first kiss, our first time. I obsessed about her full lips, her expressive brown eyes, her gorgeous smile. I could spend hours picturing every single corner of her soft delicate curves. Sometimes, I wondered if --maybe, I didn’t start fights in the hope of being sent to the hole where I could spend my time fantasizing about her. It was pure torture, but I couldn’t help myself. The memories I had of her, of us and our short time together were the only light in my otherwise bleak life. 

She still wrote me every week but I hadn’t open any single one of her letters. I didn’t want to know if she was moving on with her life or worst if she was waiting for me. Because that was what Lexie didn’t understand. Even if nothing happened and I was released in one year, I would never be that boy again. The Drake Walker she had known and loved was dead and she wasn’t going to like the man that had been left in his place. I was damn sure about that. 

Tagging:

@mskaneko

@burnsoslow

@kingliam2019

@kat-tia801

@petiteboheme

@tinkie1973

@twinkle-320

@thegreentwin

@forallthatitsworth

@marshmallowsandfire

@marshmallowsaremyfavorite

@princessleac1

@lilacsandwhiskey

@lovingchoices14​

@lovingchoices14​

@nomadics-stuff​

[kittyreading]

Manga Master List: Recommendations and My Personal Wish List

!!//PLEASE READ//!!

Below is every manga from my amazon wishlist I would recommend(as of February 11 2021) with a picture and a 3-5 sentence explanation of what the manga is about. Underneath will also be the number of volumes I have read, the number I own, and it’s status of ongoing or complete and how many volumes it has. This way you can decide for yourself if you think I have read enough of it to give an accurate recommendation.

This list only includes manga you can purchase (including digital purchases) from the wishlist. I decided that I would in fact include my personal amazon manga wishlist here and at the bottom for people to buy THEMSELVES a copy of any of these manga they would like. Keep in mind many of these won’t have volume 1 in the list but you should be able to get to the series page from the list. If a manga shows up on the amazon list that I did not include in this one that is because I have not read enough of them(or any of them) to recommend. Ok? Cool, enjoy the list!!

1. The Girl from the Other side is about a little girl living with a gentleman monster. It is a supernatural mystery with beautiful art.

Own: 0

Read 4

Series: Ongoing at 9 volumes

2. Pumpkin Scissors is a military fantasy about a War Veteran named Randal Oland who joins the pumpkin scissors core to help with war relief and uncover the deep corruption of the government. It is similar in themes to FMA in the sense it appears to be based on a World War, and corruption of government but it more focused on the power of the noble houses in government. There is also a fun science element but it is not as in focus as in FMA. The two but are very very different overall tho. Only 5 volumes were distributed in physical English copies as the publishing company went bankrupt, all others are only available digitally. (I couldn’t get the manga vol. 1 cover to work so the picture above is a poster for the anime)

Own: 0

Read: around 10

Series: Ongoing at 23 volumes

3. Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun is a slice of life about a bunch of highschoolers. Nozaki is the mangaka of a popular Shoujo manga who uses his personal experiences with friends to create his monthly comic series. It is a fun gender stereotype reversal manga with a large cast of both male and female characters (one could be HC as genderfluid but she’s still canonically female at this time) The manga is one of the easiest to read as the panels are mostly in straight down rectangles so the pages are extremely easy to follow and is very funny.

Own: 1

Read: 11

Status: Ongoing at 12 volumes

4. Yu-Gi-Oh! is well known to be about the card game yu-gi-oh, using magic and myths to further the story, HOWEVER, Yu-gi-oh! is the “Season 0″ of the series it is much darker than to be expected and there is no card game. The Yu-gi-oh most are familiar with is Yu-gi-oh Duelist (just found this out myself) and is the Yu-gi-oh you probably already know. There is no overarching plot to this mini series it is just Yugi fucking shit up playing games and destroying some bullies. I have yet to read any of Duelist as of the creation of this post therefore I cannot recommend it :/ 

Own: 5 (1-3 & 6-7)

Read: 7

Status: Completed at 7 volumes

5. The Way of the House Husband is about a former yakuza who gets married and flips his script. He becomes a house husband for his working wife and carries on doing chores and errands while still looking and acting scary unintentionally and getting himself in trouble. It is a slice of life comedy with some adult jokes but is over all extremely funny and pleasant to read.

Own: 0

Read: 2

Status: Ongoing at 7 volumes

6. Hikaru no Go is about a highschool boy who finds a haunted Go board. He meets the ghost who once was a prolific Go player. Together they work to become a world class Go champion meeting new people along the way. This series was cut short due to legal issues with a real Go player and therefore will remain unfinished but the story that is there is golden. It is still one of the most popular manga in Japan.

Own: 0

Read: 5

Status: Complete at 23 Volumes

7. Zatch Bell! This manga is about a teenager named Kiyo who gets sent a young boy with amnesia named Zatch Bell who turns out to be an alien called a momodo. Now the two must battle other momodo in order to understand what happened to Zatch and to make Zatch the new king. Along the way they make many friends and save both the momodo and human worlds. This one is difficult because it is a classic that did not do well in America so the volumes are expensive and the series is unfinished in English. You can only buy 27 of the volumes in English and a few of them are almost impossible to find, however it is well worth the money if you can afford it and it is available online.

Own: 6 (1-5 & 13)

Read: 15

Status: Complete at 33 Volumes only 27 printed in English (you can finish series online)

8. Fullmetal Alchemist is a cult classic most have read it, watched the series, or heard of it at the very least. This is one of the most popular Manga of all time and for good reason. The manga is about 2 brothers Alphonse and Edward on a journey to return their bodies to normal after committing the taboo of human transmutation. The manga has themes of racism, government corruption and manipulation of the military. The versions on my wishlist are the special Fullmetal Editions so they will have a different price point and volume number than the regular volumes or the omnibuses’ 

Own: 12

Read: 12

Status: Complete at 27 Volumes

9. Princess Jellyfish is about a young woman who is sort of an outcast otaku living with 5 other otaku women. She has a deep love for jellyfish as they remind her of her late mother. She meets a beautiful woman who turns out to be a male college student and slowly comes out of her shell making new friends and growing with old ones as well. This manga is very sweet and I really don’t know what else to say haha.

Own: 0

Read: 4

Status: Complete at 17 volumes

10. !!!HUGE TW FOR EATING DISORDERS!!! In Clothes Called Fat is a, oneshot, non romanticizing story of an office woman trying to lose weight and developing several eating disorders in the process. She goes through hardships in relationships and bullying as well. It has a bittersweet ending and should be read with caution but it is beautifully done. Please do not read this if you are under the age 16 at the very youngest there are NSFW moments as well as just generally not being a topic for younger audiences.

Own: No

Read: Yes

Status: Completed one shot

11. My LOVE Story!! Is an adorable Slice of Life shojo about a highschooler named Takeo Gouda, his girlfriend Yamato, and his best friend and hear throb Suna. This series is rather refreshing as the relationship starts pretty much immediately, the best friend is very supportive, and it is focused on Takeo’s personality over looks as he is often compared in manga to a gorilla or bear. It is a generally heart warming story with some emotional side plots. The ending is sort of sudden but it’s really enjoyable.

Own: 6 (1-3,8,10-12)

Read: 13

Status: Completed at 13 Volumes

12. Soul Eater is pretty popular but if you don’t know what it is about it is about a Weapon named Soul and his Meister Maka. They attend a school that teaches them how to defeat people before they turn into Demons, saving the world in the process. Once a weapon eats 100 evil souls and a witches soul they can become the new death Scythe! That is the plot presented, and it of course goes off into a much more complicated storyline. It is super fun and engaging with a fascinating plot near the end.

Own: 5

Read: 15

Status: Completed at 25 Volumes

13. D. Gray-Man is a little complicated. Similarly to Soul Eater D. Gray-Man is a story based around defeating people turned demon and the saving of the world through an organization, however the plot gets very complicated very quickly. The art is some of the most interesting and beautifully fun art I’ve come across and the characters are (so far as I’ve read) all amazing. The story has a lot of christian influence and is one you have to really keep up with to understand but I recommend it regardless!

Own: 10

Read: 10

Status: Ongoing at 27 Volumes

14. One-Punch Man is also very popular and is about a man who becomes so strong he only needs to punch you once to completely annihilate you, and it greatly annoys him. This manga greatly touches on the themes of self worth as Saitama becomes a hero that no one seems to want. The fights are fun and engaging, tho at times can be difficult to read. The art is gorgeous, with some of the most heavily detailed work I have ever seen.

Own: 3

Read: 7

Status: Ongoing at 21 Volumes

15. The Boy and The Beast is the manga adaptation of the movie by the same name. This is a bittersweet story about a boy who finds a family in the land of the beasts and the repercussions of this intermixing. It is sweet and sad and there’s not much else to say, but that it is a beautifully crafted story.

Own: 1

Read: 1 (but I’ve seen the movie and read the light novel)

Status: Complete at 4 Volumes

16. MAR is not a manga I should be recommending as I genuinely don’t think I have read enough of the story to do so but I love it so much I’m going to anyway. MAR is a classic Isekai Shonen, a kid goes through a door into another world and has to fight a war to save it, there is a super fun magic system and some wonderful story building with genuinely enjoyable characters and battles. I am recommending this more based off the anime than the manga itself because it was one of my absolute favorites when I was younger, so take from that what you will! This manga has the same issue Zatch Bell does however, the series did not do amazingly so the volumes can be expensive!

Own: 3

Read: 3

Status: Complete at 15 Volumes

Thank you for your time haha! I hope you liked the list, here is my wishlist again and if you have any questions please let me know!! I will try to keep this master list updated as it and the wishlist will only continue to grow, but I make no promises for doing it often. Making this took me a very long time so I hope you like it!

[rai-jin-andro-jin]

Intimacy: An Aromantic, Queer, Storyteller's Perspective on Raya and Namaari's Relationship in RatLD

Ok, I know people have lots of opinions about Raya and the Last Dragon. (Please go watch it if you're able to, it's fantastic.) I'm not here to step on any toes, nor am I here to deny that Disney has work to do on openly queer representation. But I wanted to give my opinion on the subject because I've already seen some thoughts flying, and I've got my own too.

Note: potential Raya and the Last Dragon spoilers ahead!

Now, I'm here for queer women. (I'm so here for queer women that I'm queer for them.) I love Raya's depth, design, and arc. I love Namaari's depth, design, and arc (and oh my god, her face shape). I love the way the narrative treated these warriors: like warriors! I could talk all day about how this movie is such a brilliant step toward treating women as people on screen.

But I'm here to talk about the queer aspects.

Any queer person watching that movie saw a couple of baby gays. Anyone saw the tension between Raya and Namaari as adults, their distrust for one another, but also their recollection of how close they once were, how close they could have been, how similar they actually are, but they both don't want to admit it for one reason or another. I think that tension is done beautifully.

I also want to take a second to remind everyone that romantic attraction is not necessary to make something queer.

Sure, maybe you could view their interactions as having romantic undertones. I don't think that's necessarily wrong, but I also don't think that the movie needed a romantic subplot to work. The subplot was platonic, even queerplatonic. The subplot was about Raya learning to realize how similar Namaari was to her, in all the uncomfortable ways Raya wasn't ready to admit. Raya wanted to remain focused inward; she wanted to protect her goal from destruction, she wanted to bring her Ba back. And she didn't want to trust anyone again. She didn't feel like she could, and she didn't want to try, especially not with Namaari.

And yet, during their interactions, there is a sense of intimacy. No doubt, over the six (6) years after the gem broke, Raya and Namaari have run into each other on several occasions. It seems like they still know each other well enough to banter mid battle. Raya knows Namaari well enough to be able to easily "push her buttons" and distract her. There is an intimacy here that strays easily into frienemy territory. It has the potential of being romantic. It also has the potential of not being romantic at all.

And, as someone on the aromantic spectrum, I want to reiterate that romantic queerness is not the only queerness. Aromantic affection, queerplatonic affection, allosexual aromantic affection — all of these are valid and real queer identities and queer expressions.

So, while I agree that "Disney is a coward" and that queer people deserve genuine, wholesome, and healthy representation in movies — I also want to emphasize that you can remove romanticism from the equation and still retain the queer narrative (or, what we the audience read as a queer narrative).

(I personally think there is nothing straight about these two characters, but I also respect the possibility that cultural norms and expectations can change how queerness manifests, or what is even considered queer. I'm a white person from the USA; the way I read or express queerness may not be the same as the way someone of Southeast Asian descent would read or express queerness. That topic in itself is worthy of an entirely different mega post. But that is very important to note.)

Furthermore, I want to add that while, again, seeing Disney explicitly tackle a queer relationship on screen would be so amazing, I also don't think this particular narrative had room for it.

Raya and the Last Dragon has a beautiful story filled with strong cultural tradition and Southeast Asian communal values. Love for one's community and family is especially important, as the writers have expressed, and this value was purposely woven into the narrative as a centerpiece.

Disney has a long history of making that centerpiece romantic love. Movies in general, Disney included, have a very long history of using romantic love as an easy subplot. It is such a common thing to do in the industry.

Stepping away from that norm is a breath of fresh air, in my opinion. And I'm not saying that because I'm aromantic and I "hate romance"—I don't, by the way, and I'll show you why.

I have written romance in fiction for a long-ass time. I love writing it. And in my (self-proclaimed) professional opinion, adding romance into Raya and the Last Dragon would have been really forced. I don't think the movie needed it. It would have been narratively unnecessary, and the catharsis we received regarding the mending of Raya and Namaari's relationship was more than enough. Any romance would have been extra, and, more importantly, would have been distracting from the actual main theme of the movie. Remember, the takeaway from this movie is communal trust: building bridges to unite families and communities of people. This narrative values familial and communal love first and foremost. (This is not to say that romantic love can't intersect with familial, communal, and platonic love, but I'm making the distinction here because the story writers intended to make this distinction, too.) Putting communal love first also does not devalue any romantic or queerplatonic love that might exist under that umbrella — but that's just it; communal love is the focus here, and I'm glad the writers made the decision to keep the focus of the narrative grounded and organized. It keeps the story from wandering off in too many directions and becoming confusing. It keeps us from having too many loose ends. And it keeps the runtime from being too long — or worse, it saves the narrative and all it's subplots from feeling cut short.

And here's where I jump into my main gripe. Yes, Raya and Namaari have chemistry. At the very least, when they met as kids, they formed a nice first bond: they had a lot in common, they related to each other on several things, and they had empathy for each other. That's a good foundation for a lot of things: friendship, queerplatonic relationships, romantic relationships, business partnerships... What I'm saying is, they had a good beginning. But it was just one day. And they were kids.

They were both kids who were vulnerable to the opinions and desires of the adults around them.

Namaari was influenced by her mother to betray Raya in order to gain the Dragon Gem (ultimately to give her people the prosperity they lacked). Before coming to Heart, Namaari likely saw Raya and the people of Heart like her mother/chief did: Heart was rich solely because they hoarded the magic of the Dragon Gem, and they would lie and say the Gem didn't give them prosperity only so they could continue to hoard the gem.

Raya was influenced by people in her village too, though we don't explicitly see those influences. When her father mentions that the other lands are on their way to Heart, Raya immediately believes they are coming with evil intent. When her father asks her what she knows about the other lands, Raya lists qualities about each land that portray them in a dangerous light. She views them explicitly as enemies and outsiders, people to fear and distrust in order to maintain her and Heart's safety and prosperity. Namaari included.

When Raya and Namaari meet, there is a lot going on under the surface of their interaction. Certainly, they are both kids; part of them likely has a natural urge to trust and connect with each other, as they eventually did that day! But clearly, especially for Namaari, there still exists a level of distrust and divide. Perhaps because Raya had the influence of her father, who encouraged her to see the other lands as friends rather than enemies, Raya's guard was lower than Namaari's. It's doubtful Namaari had that kind of influence, as her mother consistently displayed distrust for other lands, and focused more on the protection of Fang's people. Namaari clearly experienced quite a bit of internal conflict during the time before her betrayal of Raya, trying to balance her own desires for connection and friendship with her desire to please and protect Fang. Having a connection with Raya at all, especially a deeper connection (rather than a false pretense of connection), was likely not the intention of this subterfuge plan. Connecting with Raya likely felt good, but it also felt like a betrayal of Fang; a betrayal of Fang felt like a death sentence, especially since not obtaining the Gem would mean that Fang (according to Namaari's mother and the people of Fang) would likely perish. Namaari chose to resolve the conflict by returning to what was most familiar and comfortable: distrusting Heart for the good of Fang. For Namaari, it likely didn't dispel the discomfort of knowing that she betrayed a friend, someone who felt so close and genuine, someone who was just as obsessed with dragons as she was (which seems like it was rare for Namaari, and thus valuable). But her choice to betray Raya did, in Namaari's mind, save Fang, a strong value instilled in her from birth.

The betrayal hurts Raya a lot more openly. She sees Namaari firstly as a potential friend, a connection. Raya was taught by her father to value connection with others more than preemptively distrusting them in order to protect herself. This is likely why we see their interactions mostly from Raya's perspective. Namaari's behavior is very conflicted in intention, bouncing back and forth between deception and genuine connection, and trying to balance those two in a way that remains faithful to Fang and herself. Raya, on the other hand, is fully genuine for this interaction, save for maybe a couple moments of brief, minor hesitation. But, that hesitation is short-lived and the desire for friendship ultimately wins over for Raya. She fully trusts Namaari (to the level that she is able to, given that they just met that day), up to the moment the betrayal occurs. She is blindsided, and in response, she also returns to the comfort of her original views (before her father tried to teach her to trust the other lands). This decision to abandon the friendship is not comfortable at all for Raya; it is forced. She must do it to protect not only her land, but ostensibly the world. She is fighting between protecting her "clan" and protecting outsiders. She is struggling to view other lands as part of her clan/community, and Namaari's betrayal only solidifies Raya's eventual choice to mistrust others completely. Once her father dies, so does Raya's trust. To her, (misplaced) trust caused the downfall of the world, and more importantly, the death of her Ba. And to her, that betrayal is embodied and personified by Namaari. Namaari becomes a scapegoat and a punching bag for all that went wrong with the world, and this is a consistent mindset Raya has throughout the movie, until it is openly challenged by Namaari during the climax. Raya is comfortable in an "us versus them" mindset; it rids her of blame and responsibility for her actions, her role in problems. She, like Namaari, chooses to believe that everyone else is to blame for her downfall, while excluding herself entirely from that equation.

It goes without saying that these characters are well-written. Their emotions, motivations, and actions are complex and whole. I could (clearly) write analysis for days about these two. But here's my point.

Romance is only a potential part of their relationship at the start, no more. It is budding at best, and not fully realized or invoked. It is not ever made explicit or agreed upon. And the foundations of trust between these two, for a massive portion of the movie, are severely damaged. Any intimacy they had as children is put on hold, if not destroyed. They only trust each other as far as their blades reach, and as much as they've crossed paths during the six (6) year time-jump (enough to banter, manipulate each other, and predict each other's strategies to a degree), and and no further than that. Where they left off, they still have a connection, even while they don't trust each other with their deepest values. This foundation is clearly not enough for either of them to warrant a more intimate relationship, be it in the shade of romantic, queerplatonic, sexual, sensual, or otherwise. If it was enough, they would have done so already. Their closest intimacy is for the purpose of evading each other's attacks and maneuvers in order to get the upperhand. Their main goals are not each other, even though they both likely desire deeper connection, like they once had as kids. That childhood connection was genuine; no one is arguing otherwise.

But, by the climax of the movie, these two are not in a position of full, deep trust and connection. At the climax of the movie, when the Gem has finally been restored, their relationship is effectively back at the beginning, right where they left off as kids: budding and new, unsure yet hopeful, and with initial chemistry. That may read as potential romance, potential queerplatonics, potential you-name-it. But it is still potential, not active, not existent in the moment. They still have work to do in terms of building a deep relationship. Trust is a first step — one of many, many more steps. They're still working on the friendship and trust by the end — they just reunited as peoples from different lands, and as old ex-friends. They're relearning to see other lands as friends and not enemies, and that includes the way they see each other. They've come a long way, no doubt, and they still have a long way to go before they're remotely deep friends with established trust. They're effectively rebuilding that damaged trust by the end of the movie.

I mean, seriously. Expecting a full on romantic relationship, or even the explicit beginning of one is a massive stretch. Like, did you watch the movie? They have a lot of things to work through and talk about together! I don't care that they worked together and sacrificed themselves to save the world together. That's step one. Step one going well does not equal the kind of deep intimacy seen in romantic, queerplatonic, or deep platonic relationships, especially not the kind of romance that some audience members expressed they wanted to see from the movie. Did we forget that a genuine, hurtful betrayal happened? Did we forget that a betrayal happened very early on in the relationship? That sort of behavior doesn't scream "healthy relationship," and Raya and Namaari's subsequent reactions to said betrayal and following said event don't scream "consent to intimacy." Like, sure, they were both kids when it happened, especially Namaari, who was partially manipulated into that betrayal. But being young doesn't dilute or negate any of the very real trauma and pain felt by either of them, nor does it take away autonomy and responsibility for actions. She may have been manipulated and taught an incomplete view of the world, but Namaari also made that choice to betray Raya herself, no matter how mis- or un-informed she was about the world at the time. She still made a decision that hurt Raya, and in the process a lot of others. That can't be glossed over if we're talking about the formation of genuinely deep bonds. If the movie had made Raya and Namaari explicitly a couple of any kind, I strongly believe that any romantic, queerplatonic, or any other type of intimate social behavior would have made their relationship and conflict-resolution come across as forced, rushed, inauthentic, and unearned. Gestures of romantic intimacy especially tend to imply (in narratives that want to portray a healthy romantic relationship) a sense of depth, bond, and trust that is developed over long periods of time, marked by continuous and explicit efforts toward mutual trust. Raya and Namaari might have cultivated genuine trust for each other, but they lack a history of that trust that would realistically allow for a believable and genuine romantic/queerplatonic relationship at the level of harmony most "romance-lacking" audience-complaints demand. Raya and Namaari are not at that point yet. Rushing them there doesn't make that bond authentic, nor does it create healthy and realistic queer representation, much less healthy romantic/queerplatonic/intimate representation in general. Furthermore, rushing that sort of thing on-screen and portraying it as perfectly healthy perpetuates pre-existing, unrealistic, and unhealthy ideals of romance, human intimacy in general, and amatonormativity. Preliminary trust is not enough to give someone access to you in totality. We shouldn't portray that idea to kids, and this movie is careful not to. Trust is an ongoing process, and teaching kids that intimacy is developed over time and through consistent respect and communication is paramount. I seriously wish this movie had existed when I was a kid. I wish I had learned what this movie teaches. Romance isn't the answer to everything; it's not the highest form of love; and it's not the highest form of queer representation either. The highest form of love is the kind that is genuine and realistic and respectful.

Plus, on the subject of amatonormativity, I want to restress that queerness is not defined by romance. No one is made queer by their queer relationships, or even their visibly queer relationships. No one is suddenly not queer when they're single. Raya and Namaari can still be queer representation without ever having a romantic, sexual, or even queerplatonic relationship. Does Disney still have a record of cisheteronormative-flavored cowardice towards positively portraying explicitly queer people on screen? Absolutely. But I also don't think the answer to cisheteronormative amatonormativity is queer amatonormativity. Queer people are still queer, regardless of their relationship status, and especially regardless of their romantic orientation. Queer people are queer by virtue of existing.

TL;DR:

This should be more than clear: I'm of the strong opinion that both Raya and Namaari are queer. I don't think any of my regular readership will disagree. But forcing a romance (or any sort of deeper, unearned intimacy) onto this particular relationship and narrative only has the capacity to muddy and ruin this valuable and beautiful storyline and it's themes. Such a careless choice perpetuates some very harmful and prejudiced cultural norms regarding love and it's expression, and such a choice runs the risk of directly teaching children to view the world — to view their relationships — in a limiting, destructive, and isolating way.

I wouldn't change any part of the way this movie portrays Raya and Namaari's relationship. Every ounce of their interactions: from their words to their body language, facial expressions to actions, motivations to desires, conflict to resolution — they all make sense and are fully earned in this movie.

Yes, they'd look super cute together. Yes, it would likely be super cathartic for my gay little heart to see them kiss. Yes, they have the chemistry and potential for really meaningful and fulfilling growth and intimacy down the line. That is kind of the entire message of of the movie: potential; growth seen as a process made up of steps, the first being the catalyst towards making that potential a reality.

Raya and Namaari are a queer-coded microcosm for the rest of their world. They are one of many microcosms teaching a lesson about the importance of valuing and developing communal, cross-border trust.

Please stop yelling at Disney to make them kiss. They're together in a way that matters just as much, and they're together in a way that, for once, doesn't make romance the highest and truest form of intimacy. Write your fanfiction, enjoy them as a pairing, write letters to Disney and tell them we deserve explicit and normalized queer representation (because we do). Do what you wish, and do what makes you happy! Enjoy your queer pairings! I encourage you! I implore you!

But please, please, please don't discount the importance, validity, and power of the connection they do have. This connection is no less intimate and no less important than romance, sex, or anything else. They don't need romance to be queer, and they don't need any label at all to be a beautiful, realistic, and healthy portrayal of human relationships, queer or not.

And for the record, they are very, very gay, and nobody, not even Disney, can change my mind.

[tanyawritesstories]

Who He Wants To Be | Waxer x Single Mom!Reader

Since Waxer is on my list of top 10 best space dads, I made him one! Kind of. You'll see, I hope y'all enjoy this cute little fic 😊

Word count: 2,903

Warnings: nothin but fluff, cute kids, Waxer is a good dad and partner, descriptions of a bag injury, a tiny bit of sad at the end, nothing too much.

•••

Waxer was getting tired of the sand and rocks. During the briefing, General Kenobi had described this as a tropical planet. So far, all they had encountered was flat rocky land and a scorching sun.

"Ugh, this place reminds me of Geonosis," Boil complained from beside him, "I thought General Kenobi said it was an oasis."

"It is an oasis once we get to our destination," Commander Cody said from above them on the tank. "How far out are we?" Waxer asked his Commander. "Only one klick, we should be there soon," Cody replied.

The soldiers and tanks continued to march forwards with nothing but dirt and rocks as far as the eye could see. The land was flat and they could see for miles. They didn't see any civilization anywhere on the horizon. Boil grumbled to himself again but Waxer paid no attention. The farther he walked the more the land in front of him began to change, it looked warped or distorted. It was only when he got to the crest did he realize that the land before him opened up into a valley. A river followed through the valley, providing the oasis Cody had mentioned. Lush trees and vegetation grew in abundance from what he could see, the complete opposite from the landscape above.

The platoon marched down into the valley and towards their destination. The location appeared to be free of enemies as it should be. The 104th had come through a few days before and wiped out the droid occupancy of the valley. The 212th were coming in behind to deliver supplies, medical aid, and food to the people, and also to help them rebuild.

At the sound of the tanks heavy footsteps drawing nearer to what they could now see was a village, the men could see people come running out of their homes. Men, women, and children stood just beyond the foliage, jumping up and down, cheering, celebrating, and welcoming the arrival of the soldiers. The tanks stopped outside the village and the men were greeted by exuberant villagers. They parted to make a path into the village center, cheering, clapping, some of them even reaching out to brush their fingers against the arms of the troopers. The children laid wide leaves at the soldiers feet for them to walk on and the women threw flower petals above their heads.

"I wish we got a warm welcome like this all the time," Waxer mused.

They were made a path into the center of the village where General Kenobi and Commander Cody spoke with the leaders. Everyone else got to work unloading supplies and rebuilding structures. Waxer was tasked with helping hand out the boxes of food. He and a few other clones had removed their helmets and were making sure the process was organized and running smoothly. He was standing off to the side checking the amounts of food boxes they had on a datapad, his helmet tucked under one arm. He felt something tap his leg and looked down. A little human girl probably no older than five was knocking on his shin guards. She stopped when she noticed she had his attention.

“Hi,” she greeted, her voice chipper and upbeat. “Hi,” Waxer responded with a smile.

“I made this for you,” she gently held a flower crown in her small hands, and lifted it up to him. Waxer kneeled down to be eye level with the youngster and set his datapad and helmet down. He took in the sight of several brightly colored small flowers strung together in a meticulous way he couldn’t quite understand.

“It’s beautiful, thank you,” he said, he reached out to accept the gift but the little girl pulled it back. “Can I put it on you?” Waxer was taken aback, an uncertain and slightly embarrassed blush coming to his face. “Um, sure.” He lowered his head and the small child carefully placed her floral gift atop his head. He pulled back and she began giggling at the sight of the soldier wearing a bright bunch of flowers on his head. Her contagious giggles were almost enough to drown out the sound of his brothers teasing him in the background.

“You look like a prince!” She exclaimed. “Do I?” He asked with a smile. “Yes! A prince in shining armor, and I’m the princess.” She explained enthusiastically.

Waxer bowed, “What do you require of me your highness?” He asked, matching the little girl's playful tone. She smiled and reached both her arms up to him, “Carry me to safety from the evil droids!” Her tone is still playful and lighthearted.

Waxer couldn’t help but smile at her innocence and playful nature and decided to play along. He swooped her up in his arms and swung her around, the action making her burst out into excited squeals and laughter. He brought her to rest on his side, one arm holding her up. “Where’s home, little’un?” She pointed off to their right and Waxer grabbed his helmet before starting off in that direction.

The little girl had her arms wrapped as far around his shoulders as she could. “I’m my mommy’s princess, is that your princess?” She pointed to the painting of the little Twi’lek girl on his helmet, Numa. He was confused for a moment before coming to a conclusion. Daughter, she meant daughter.

“No, she’s not my princess, but she’s a princess. I helped save her home from droids too,” he explained. “I wish I was as brave as you,” she said, resting her head on his chest, her hair tickling his cheek. “You will be someday, littl’un. Someday.”

Underneath the armor, Waxer was melting. This little girl was so innocent and compassionate, just like Numa. They didn’t deserve to get caught up in this war, they were just children, young and free of blame. They didn’t understand why the galaxy was fighting. Waxer felt for them. He wished he could save every single one and carry them away from danger. Boil had told him that he shouldn’t get too attached but Waxer couldn’t help it, he cared too much.

The youngster directed him down a few more streets until she said they were close. “What’s your name?” She asked suddenly. “I’m Waxer, what’s yours?” He replied.

“Aja!”

Waxer turned and saw a woman come jogging out of a nearby house, she stopped and walked the rest of the way to them. “Aja, I told you not to get in the soldiers' way,” she admonished. “But mom, I wanted to give him my present,” she said, lifting her head from his chest. Waxer was reminded of the flower crown that he had been wearing the entire time. “No worries, ma’am. She isn’t in the way at all, I enjoy her company,” he admitted to Aja’s mother.

Looking at the woman now he could see the resemblance between mother and daughter. They both had the same (h/c) hair, same nose and lips, only Aja’s eyes were a different color, undoubtedly a trait from her father. Her mother was beautiful, younger than he pictured, but radiant, she had a loving aura that seemed to emanate from her.

“Well, I’m glad,” the woman smiled. Her smile was gorgeous, intoxicating, and Waxer found himself smiling too. "Mommy, this is Waxer and he's a hero. He saved all the people," Aja explained. "I know, I saw," her mother said with a smile, "we appreciate the soldiers, don't we?" Aja nodded and rested her head back on his chest.

"I made you dinner, sweetheart. Why don't you go inside, I'll be there in a minute," her mother told.

Waxer set the girl down and she took off into the house. "Thank you for bringing her home," the woman addressed, "She likes to wander around and get into trouble." She offered him her hand, "(Y/n), you're Waxer?"

He shook her hand, "Yes ma'am, pleasure to meet you."

Waxer's cheeks tinged a light pink and the woman smiled, motioning to where her child disappeared through the door of her home. "Apologies if she got in your way. It's hard to keep track of her all by myself with so many other things to do."

"You're all alone?" Waxer questioned.

"Ever since her father died in a mining accident two years ago, yes. It's hard but we get through each day so I don't complain," she smiled. Waxer's heart went out to them. "Why don't you come inside? I've just made dinner, you should join us."

He was a bit stunned. "Uh, no thank you, ma'am-"

"(Y/n)."

"(Y/n), but I should be heading back," he said, "the men are probably missing me."

"Not as much as you're missing some good food I bet," she smirked, "Please, it's the least I can do. All least take some to bring to your men."

Waxer simply looked into her eyes, he was hooked on this woman and he had only just met her! There was something about her that he couldn't pinpoint that had him drawn to her. He couldn't say no, he didn't want to. He wanted to walk into her house and have dinner with her and her daughter and never leave. His mind was telling him it was wrong, but what he wanted in that moment was to fill that missing piece in both their lives.

Ever since Ryloth, since Numa, he has dreamt of one day being a father. Having children of his own with a woman he loved. Settling down somewhere in the mid rim, maybe on a farm or even opening a school. Being able to watch his children be free and play and live without having to worry about war or droids or invasions. He wanted so desperately to give his child what he never had.

"I do think they would love that actually," he finally said. (Y/n) smiled brightly, "Good, come with me." She took his hand in hers and he let her pull him into her home. "Wait right here, I'll get something for you to carry it in."

She left him just inside the door and disappeared into another room. The interior of the home was small, the walls and floor made out of a wood he'd never seen before. The ceiling was low and there were only two chairs and a small table in the center of the room. He had waited a couple minutes until he started hearing a strange whistling noise. He stepped outside and looked around, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He felt it before he heard it. The explosion shook the ground, it had landed not far away. Some of the nearby buildings crumbled, pieces falling into the streets. Screams of panicked villagers filled his ears, but one in particular stood out to him. He turned around and saw Aja come running out from the house.

“Waxer!” She screamed as she ran towards him. He kneeled down and caught her in his arms. “Aja, are you alright? Where’s your mother?” The little girl clung to him, her small body shaking with fear. “I don’t know I didn’t see her.” He heard a crash come from inside and a scream, Aja clung tighter to him and buried her head in his neck. Waxer shoved his helmet on his head and swooped Aja up in his arms, running into the house.

“(Y/n)!” He yelled, calling out for her. He made his way into the room he saw her enter and saw her lying on the floor, her leg crushed by a fallen piece of the ceiling. He rushed to her side, setting Aja down next to him. He put his hand to her cheek, beckoning her to come back to consciousness. “(Y/n), come back to me, c’mon.” She groaned in pain slowly tilting her head into his hand and coughing.

“Waxer? Where’s Aja?” She managed to lift her hand and place it on his wrist. “She’s fine, she’s right here,” he assured, “You’re badly injured, I need to get you out of here.” He pushed a button on his vambrace and his comm opened up, “Boil, I need you to come to my location. I have a severely injured civilian that needs medical attention now!” His brother responded, “Right, send me your coordinates, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

More of the house crumbled and shook around them, Aja screamed and latched herself to Waxer’s arm as he sent his location to Boil. “Aja, I need you to stand back, I have to get this debris off her, ok?” He gently pried her off of his arm and moved her back a few feet. He carefully removed the chunks of fallen ceiling and wall. Her leg looked worse than he originally thought, the bone was broken and he could see it poking out through the gash in her calf. He was able to register the sound of running behind him as he took in the sight of her injury.

“Alright I’m here, what do you need me for?” Boil said from behind him. He came to kneel next to Waxer and observed the situation. “She is hurt pretty bad, we need to get her back to the med tent at base.” Waxer motioned for Aja to come over by him, “You take the little one, I’ll take her,” he instructed, he turned to Aja, “you go with Boil, ok. I’ll be right behind you.” She nodded and wrapped her arms around Boil’s neck, he picked her up and waited while Waxer gently lifted the woman into his arms. She yelled out in pain as her injured limb was moved.

The pair of troopers made their way to the middle of the village. “Boil, do you know what’s going on?”

“Apparently, the Seps decided to leave a few tanks behind just in case. The General is taking care of them,” Boil informed. They got the girls to the med tent where the medics began tending to (Y/n)’s leg. She was fading in and out of consciousness and grabbing onto Waxer’s hand whenever she felt pain. He stayed by her side and kept Aja with him until the chaos settled down about 35 minutes later.

~~~~

The 212th stayed on the planet until General Kenobi was 100% sure there was no more threat. It had been three weeks since their arrival and everyday after the attack, Waxer, and occasionally a few of his brothers, came to your house for dinner. (Y/n)’s leg was set although she would have to use a hoverchair to get around until it fully healed. Waxer always helped make dinner and got quite good at cooking, Aja got used to having him around and had a new gift for him every time he came, even making flower crowns for all the brothers he brought with him. Waxer and you got very close, he took you on picnic dates to secluded parts of the valley. He stayed over several nights, stargazing and cuddling until you both fell asleep. It was obvious to pretty much everyone that you two were in love.

It was an emotional day when the 212th were due to leave. All three of you had cried over it the night before, you and Waxer sleeping with Aja in between to comfort her. Now, he stood in front of your house armored up, ready to depart. You were barely managing to hold back tears.

“We’ll miss you,” you sniffed.

“You know how much I’ll miss you,” he agreed. You managed a heartbroken smile. “Aja, come give Waxer the present you made.” The little girl walked out of the house, her eyes glued to the ground. You picked her up and Waxer could see her eyes, bright red and puffy from crying. “I made this for you, to remember me,” she said.

She held out a beaded chain, made with all numbers of bright colors. Waxer took it, looking it over in his hands. “It’s perfect, I’ll keep it forever,” he said. Aja looked up at him and lunged into his arms from yours. He caught her and held her tight to him, hugging her for the last time.

“Please come back soon, daddy,” She cried into his armor. Waxer looked at you and held Aja tighter, his heart breaking even more. “I’ll come back, princess. I promise.” She ran back into the house once he put her down. You fished something out of your pocket.

“I made this,” you held a charm in your hand and put it onto the beaded chain, “to go with, so you never forget me.” His hand flew to your cheek, “I could never forget you.” You closed your eyes and leaned into his touch, a tear escaping through the crease in your eyelids. “Promise me, when the war is over, you’ll come back to be with Aja and me,” you pleaded. “It’ll be the first thing I do,” he assured. You chuckled through your tears, “I think you’ll need to buy a ship first.” He smiled and pulled you into his arms, holding you, never wanting to let go.

“I love you, Waxer.”

“I love you too, (Y/n).”

You pulled back just enough to give him the last kiss you would ever share. Little did you know then, you’d die waiting for him to come back.

[jaehyunspeachparty]

1.11

warnings: This story contains content that could be problematic for one or the other. Among other things, the story may contain content about sex, late pregnancy, relationship with a large age difference, and others. Just because it's in the warnings doesn't mean these topics will appear, but they will definitely be covered in the story. The content of the story is fixed and doesn’t change. If you don't feel comfortable with these topics, then it's okay if you don't read the story. I just write down my ideas here and I just enjoy writing about life. The fact that some things in life are not rational or weird for some people is also part of it.

Miga was only able to meet Jaemin a few days later. Both had a full schedule and they had to find a place where no one could see them. Ultimately, they decided that Miga would just go to Jaemin's apartment. At first, he didn't want this, but they had no choice. When she got there she was surprised that there were so many boxes in the room. "Are you clearing out?" She asked as she put her shoes down next to one of the boxes. "No, I bought a house, I need more space if I adopt a child." Jaemin smiled full of happiness, apparently everything is now moving forward with the adoption. "Are you looking forward to it?" Miga asks gently and took a step closer. "Yes, I can hardly wait ..." Jaemin's voice also became calm. His fingers found suddenly hers and he brushed them against her palms. He was like in a world of his own when he was around her. He clawed his fingers between hers and he looked down at her. He knew he felt so much. Her eyes were so gentle and beautiful, her lips so red... When Miga looked up to Jaemin, her knees went weak too. She knew it always would be Jaemin. He should become her great love, he is her dream prince, he can give her everything and she can give him this too. And when she stood in front of him, her skin almost touched and Miga closed her eyes to finally feel his lips again but then Jaemin stopped. "I just can't. That's why I wanted to talk to you." He broke away from her as fast as he could and left Miga behind who looked at him shocked and hurt. "What do you want to tell me?" She looked at him confused. "That it was a mistake last time," said Jaemin then. "You need a conversation for that? You told me that last time." Slowly Miga got angry because she didn't like the game he was playing with her. "I just want to make it clear that it won't happen again." He turned away and tried not to look at Miga anymore, after all he was struggling with his own feelings. He expected a lot, but somehow not that Miga would now stand in the room and start crying. Her heart ached and she couldn't believe why Jaemin dumped her like that. "I thought you like me?" She was sobbing and Jaemin could barely look at her. She was so small and vulnerable and he would love to hug her. "But I like you..." "I wasn't wrong, or? You're interested in me ... I mean in a romantic way." She tries to understand the whole thing because there were so many signs. "No, you were right ... I like you ... more than just a friend," he finally admitted his feelings towards her. "Then what's the problem?", She then asked further and she got louder and louder. She didn't understand what the problem was. Yes, they had an age difference, but she liked him and he liked her. "You are so young, our age difference and then there would be your father ..." "My father? He just wants me to be happy." Several tears continued to roll down Miga's cheeks. "I don't think he'll ever agree if we date." "If we like each other, what's my father's business. I'm an adult, I can decide for myself what makes me happy." Miga was getting angrier now, she hated it when she was treated like a child. "No Miga! YOU CANNOT DECIDE THAT", Jaemin got louder without meaning it. But it was enough for Miga. She looked at him startled and turned around. "Wait Miga, I ..." But in those moments she was already out of the apartment.

"There are women in your organization who are mostly married, but often accompanied by violence. Statistically, such women often don’t come a second time to search for help. How does your organization approach that?" The interviewer leaned back in the chair and looked at you. A few years ago you founded an organization with Eunbi that is supposed to help women, regardless of their situation. Your focus is particularly on families who are confronted with a lot of violence and druguse. Your practice had expanded quite a bit by now. You manage everything, Eunbi takes over the legal affairs and you also had a psychologist, gynocologist and social worker in the team. "We focus on the children. We make sure that they feel particularly comfortable and that they ultimately beg their mother to come back. Our waiting area is almost exclusively geared towards children and they can often get toys to take them home." You stay serious and pay close attention to what you say because this interview was important for future donations. "In your advisory role you are often confronted with the evil side of men. How does that affect your home? You have three sons of your own and you are married. How do you handle this?" You didn't like it when journalists want to draw attention to Jaehyun or your children. You strictly separate your work and your organization shouldn't be about idols or pop culture. "I don't believe in evil. But I think the most important thing is to talk openly with the next generation about everything and to clear up outdated cultural values ​​and stereotypes that affect women negatively." In the meantime you had already learned to answer neutrally to private questions. "You have been married to Jaehyun Jung for almost 20 years, to what extent did he influence you to found this here." The journalists did not want to deviate from the private topic. You paused briefly and think about how you can give a neutral answer again. But at this moment Eunbi suddenly came in. "I'm sorry Y/N for bothering you, but we have an emergency." Eunbi looked really worried and you get up immediately. "No problem, we're already done, aren't we?" You look at the journalist, who then nodded. Eunbi and you immediately run out of the room. "What's going on?" You ask immediately. "Pregnant woman, it looks like she is on drugs, who thinks she was held by her husband and beaten several times," explained Eunbi. "Have you contacted Dr. Oh yet?" Dr. Oh was the gynocology that worked in your organization. "Yes, she is on the way, but is stuck in traffic." Eunbi opened the door and you see a young woman standing in panic in front of the window. Her lips were all white and dried out. You could see abdomen and puncture marks on her arms. "Hey, I'm Y/ N Jung", you walk slowly towards her but she immediately jumped away. She was totally intimidating and trembling. "HE WILL FIND ME," she yells. "What's your name?" You ask ahead and take a few steps back. "There ... Dahae," said herself cautiously, but her body language was still scared. "Dahae. You are pregnant, do you know if you will have a boy or a girl?" You smile softly and you could see how she slowly lowered her shoulders. She just shook her head in response and you carefully take a step forward. "Do you know when your baby is coming?" You ask in advance. "I did the math ..." she said suddenly and at that moment she seemed clearer. "The time will come...in 3 or 4 months." She suddenly put her hands on her stomach and stared at it. She didn't look sober, she was probably high and that made the thing worse. "Would you like to see your baby once?" You ask and smile. Dahae suddenly seemed very small, almost childlike, so that you wonder how old she was.

Somehow you got her to have her checked out by a gynocologist and a doctor. Dahae trusted you more and more and so you made some progress. She was taken to a women's shelter, which was focused on women with addiction problems. "Hey Y/N, can I talk to you?" Dr. Oh the gynecologist came into your office. You nod and look at her expectantly. "Eunbi couldn't find Dahae anywhere. She has several signs of severe abuse. I fear that it started in childhood." That sounded like a serious case that rarely happened. "How old do you think she is?" You ask. "I think she'll be around 16-19". You always had a hard time meeting girls as old as your daughter. "Okay, she's just safe. How about the baby?" You ask. "It's alive, I can't say more yet." "At least good news." You sigh and turn off the light on your desk.

When you were at home you tried to switch off your thoughts, but it was difficult for you. Sunoh, Kiwoo and Jaehyun were boxing, Geon was with Jasper and Miga wasn't there either. You found it hard to be home alone after such a day. You had to think a lot about Dahae, you just couldn't get her out of your head. That's why you were happy when you heard someone come home. You could see through the window that it was Miga. But she didn't look happy. "Hey, are you okay?" You turn to your daughter who lay down on the sofa next to you. "Mummy." She lay in your arms and started crying. "What happened?" You stroke her dark hair and suddenly she was your little girl again. "Why can't I even be lucky in love?" She sobbed into your shoulder and it hurt to see her hurt. "At some point you will find someone who loves you as you love him." You keep stroking her head and Miga kept crying. She was so heartbroken and you wonder which boy gave her so much grief. Jaehyun shouldn’t know this because he would look for the guy immediately. "But everyone is in love and has relationships. I want that too." Several tears continued to roll down her cheeks and you try to calm her down further. "You will have this in the future, but it's okay to take your time. You should have someone who is good to you, respects you and both of you can move forward in life. Finding something like that takes time, but that's okay." You smile and look down at her. "That's a typical mum answer." And now Miga had to laugh a little too. "Hopefully you know that mothers can sometimes speak wise words." You stroke her forehead and feel how warm she was. Her whole body was heated up because she was so angry. "I also want to have a relationship like you and Daddy. The parents of so many friends of mine are either separated or hate each other. But you're still so in love." She looks up at you with her dark eyes and you smile gently. "We took our time too and we were older too. You are only 19 years old. You can still have so many experiences. I just want you to make good choices. Search for someone who respects you and values you. You are incredible great, beautiful, intelligent ... " "Mum ... you're already talking like Daddy." She rolled her eyes but laughed again. You kiss her forehead and continue to stroke her head. "Your Dad and I say that only because it's the truth."

"And now she's sleeping with the other guy too, because she thinks she loves both of them." Yuna and Miga were walking through the town and Yuna told the latest tea about other schoolmates. "Hmm ... can you love two people at the same time?" Miga then asked implausibly, but Yuna shrugged her shoulders. "I guess ..." "I don't know, and when you do, I think you love a person more." She also thought that she couldn't fall in love until she was with her feelings for Jaemin over. But was that even possible? "Don't be so pessimistic." Yuna poked her a little with her elbow and looked at her best friend. "Love is just stupid," said Miga, but Yuna immediately knew what was wrong with her. "Is it still about the mysterious older guy?" She knew this was what was bothering Miga. "I just mean ..." Miga's heart was still aching and Yuna at first didn't know how to cheer her friend up, but then she saw something. "Come over." She grabbed her hand and dragged it into a store. "What is that?", Miga asked when she was inside and Yuna finally let go of her hand. "We let predict your future." Yuna believed in all possible forms of horoscopes and fortune tellers, Miga has a different opinion to this topic. "Wha? No!" She shook her head but an elderly lady came along. "How can I help you two girls?", She asked gently, looking very empathetic and friendly. "My friend needs help in love," Yuna said then and pushed her friend out. The fortune teller looked at her and smiled. "Yes, I see a lot of pain. Come on, sit down my sweetie." Miga had no choice but to follow the woman. When Miga was seated, the woman took her hand and placed a few cards. She stared alternately at her and then back at the table and Miga doesn't quite know what to say or do. "I see ..." said the older woman after a few minutes of silence. "What do you see?", Yuna asked excitedly. "Love. It is there and very very strong," said the fortune teller then. "That must be the mysterious older guy she kissed." Yuna was very excited, but the fortune teller stopped. "No, I don't see an older man. I only see young love, but I also see a lot of blindness." She turned over another card and smiled. "The blindness will soon be resolved." The fortune teller ended her session and Miga understood even less.

When they went out of the store, Yuna was excited, but Miga not. "A young love. Did you hear that?" "Yes, but who should that be?" Miga rolled her eyes, because at the moment she couldn't think of who would be in love with her around her. "You have a lot of admirers, don't be so humble." Yuna rolled her eyes and Miga wanted to give up right away, but the phone rang for both of them. "School?" Asked Miga and Yuna nodded. "The math grades are there." Yuna opens the mail and Miga leaned over to look at the display. Miga's heart suddenly beat much faster and together they went through the list. "I have 70 out of 100 points. I'm relieved," said Yuna and grinned happily. "Why am I nowhere?", Miga asked more to herself, but Yuna continued scrolling and then it suddenly shows her result. "MIGA! 95 out of 100 points. How did you do that?" Yuna hugged her friend, but Miga couldn't believe it. She was in the top 20 of her year. She had never been so good at maths. "I'll call mum right away and tell her that we passed it." Yuna turned to the side and started talking to her mother on the phone. Miga actually wanted to do the same, but she wanted to call someone else first ... namely Hyunjin. "Hello?" Hyunjin sounded relatively sleepy and Miga immediately felt bad. "Sorry, did I wake you up?" "No, it's all good. You know, as a rookie and later as an idol, you don't have a good sleep schedule." "I just wanted to say thank you. I got 95 out of 100 points on the math test." "Wow. That's amazing." "I only managed that with your help." "No, you did it, you already knew so much, I was just helping you on your way." Hyunjin chuckled and everyone could hear his joy. "Am I still invited to your birthday party?", Miga then asked carefully and blushed slightly. "Yes! Of course," said Hyunjin immediately. "Well, don't forget, I'll bring the cake."

"Forget it, she's already half an hour late, she won't come," said Wonsik, looking at his band member. "Girls like Miga don't hang out with us rookies. Hyunjin, sorry," said Dabin and patted his friend on the shoulder. "Miga is not like other girls," said Hyunjin then, looking desperately at his phone. He had already given up the idea that Miga would come. But somehow the thought that she was interested in him was too good. "Still, you should be careful. You won't be the only one who finds her attractive." Wonsik wasn't really encouraging because this were thoughts that Hyunjin already had in his head anyway. "Hey, you didn't see them. Miga seemed to really like Hyunjin," Kiha defended his friend. But Hyunjin doesn't know what to do next. He stroked his hair and took a deep breath. "It's okay. Wonsik is right, I'm not in her league." Hyunjin bowed his head and stood up. He was about to get a beer in the fridge when suddenly someone rings the doorbell. "We haven't ordered yet, can it be?" Kiha started to grin. Hyunjin slammed the refrigerator door and immediately went to the door. And there she was ... she really come to his birthday. "Miga! You are here." He grinned and his cheeks flushed. "I'm so sorry. I pre-ordered your cake and then they swapped my order and then I couldn't find a parking space and ..." Miga could barely breathe and Hyunjin could only stare at her, so Kiha intervened. "We were just about to order something to eat, so you've come to the right time." He took the box with the cake from her and let Miga into the apartment. Wonsik and Dabin couldn't believe their eyes. Beomsoo now came into the kitchen too and smiled when he saw Miga. He was sure she would come, too, but the rest were perplexed. Everyone in the group knew for a long time that Hyunjin adored Miga. But they didn't think he had a lot of chances because she was very popular and many guys adores her. "Wow, your apartment is big. Does the whole group live here?" Miga asks and the boys immediately made a place available for her. "No, there are others living a few floors above us, but we are the cool dorm," Beomsoo grinned and the other boys nodded convinced. "A really?" Miga laughed and immediately felt at home in the group of friends. "Do you like a beer?", Hyunjin asked and became shy at the same moment. "No, but water would be great. I have to drive home today." Miga smiled gently and Hyunjin almost froze. "Wait, I'll bring it to you. It's Hyunjin's birthday today. You'd better take my seat." Kiha got up and made Hyunjin sit down next to Miga. "Do you already know your group name?", She asked carefully and looked around. "We kind of hoped that maybe you could tell us more about that." Wonsik grabbed his shoulders uncertainly and laughed. "No sorry, Daddy doesn't talk about work at home that much." Miga looked at the boys sadly, she would like to tell them more. "Ahhh your father is a strict teacher," Beomsoo said then. "Really?" Miga found this somehow surprising. "He's especially after Hyunjin." Dabin looked cheekily at his colleague, who glared at him. "Is that so?", Miga asked with wide eyes and turned to the boy next to her. "He just wants that I learn from his experience." Hyunjin looked down ashamed and couldn't look Miga in the eye for a moment, but Kiha tried to intervene again. "I think we should finally order something to eat."

After dinner everyone sat together and drank, but gradually Hyunjin and Miga fell into their own conversation as if they were in their own world. "I think you would get along well with my brother Sunoh," said Miga and looked into Hyunjin's eyes. "Oh, why?" He asked with a smile. But Miga just shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, you guys have the same vibe." Kiha, who has meanwhile already become the wingman, saw that the two were completely absent from the group and thought it would be good if the two were alone. "We still have your cake, Miga. What if we sit down in the living room and you two cut it?" The other guys got up immediately and took the hint. Only Miga didn't quite understand what was happening and Hyunjin was also clueless. But the two followed blindly and the two went into the kitchen. "I hope you like it. It's from the best pastry chef in Seoul." Miga grinned proudly while Hyunjin looked at the cake. "It looks really great. Is it chocolate?", He asked with a grin and Miga nodded. "Yes, do you like it?" She asked carefully. "I love chocolate." Hyun grinned and looked down at the girl. The two looked at each other briefly and Hyunjin lost himself in her eyes. But Miga also noticed that her heart was suddenly beating faster and she was a bit confused. "Let's cut the cake," she said and broke the silence. Hyunjin immediately nodded and took a knife. He put it on carefully and made the first cut. Miga meanwhile cleared the plates, whereupon Hyunjin put the cake pieces on top. "The cream looks really good," said Hyunjin and smiled at Miga. Slowly he loosened up and he felt more and more comfortable. "It looks a bit like a face cream, doesn't it?" Miga laughed and looked up. "Do you think so?", Hyunjin asked and she nodded. Then she took her finger, took a little cream and smeared it on his cheek. She giggled and Hyunjin's heart beat faster. "Then you need something too." He also took some cream and smeared it on the tip of her nose. Miga giggled and Hyunjin thinks she is so incredibly beautiful. "What is it?" She asked cheekily and grinned up at him. She noticed that he was staring at her and that he suddenly became calmer. "You are so cute," he said then, putting his hands on her cheeks. Her dark eyes looked up at him and she didn't know what was happening, but she somehow trusted him. The next moment his lips touched hers. His upper lip slips between hers and when she returned the kiss he became more passionate and showed it with his tongue. His heart was pounding wildly. An adrenaline rush flows through his body and he couldn't believe that he had dared to do this. But Miga was also surprised, she hadn't expected it. Although she liked Hyunjin, she was so focused on Jaemin that she had overlooked the signs. But she was glad the kiss happened because she enjoyed the presence of Hyunjin. After a long and intense kiss, the two separated slowly and Hyunjin became shy again. "I'm sorry that was too fast, right?" But Miga smiled and shook her head. "No, it was really wonderful," she said softly and put her hand on his chest. She felt his pulse and suddenly it made so much sense. That's why he hadn't slept and was at the company earlier every day ... he just wanted to be close to her. "I didn't know you liked me this way." She carefully brushed a strand of hair aside and suddenly she was shy too. "I'm sorry. Is that bad?" Miga still had her hand on him and she noticed how his breathing got faster and faster. But she shook her head and looked up at him again. "No, absolutely not at all." She then smiled and now she kissed him. She never thought that the evening would end like this. But Hyunjin never thought his dream would come true either. "You're my best birthday present," he then whispered and stroked her cheek again. Miga couldn't believe it, everything was like a dream. "I know it's difficult, but I'd like to take you out." He looks at her gently and Miga was still in a world of her own. "Yeah sure," she said quietly and Hyunjin knew that this was his best birthday he had ever had.

When Miga drove home she was still excited. She kept smiling and she liked her newfound feelings. Everything was exciting and new. She was so glad that Hyunjin had shown his feelings so openly. As Miga parked her car, she noticed that a familiar car was parked in the driveway. If she wasn't mistaken, it was Jaemin's. Her heart immediately started beating extreme fast and she just didn't know what was happening here. What was Jaemin doing here? Carefully she went into the house and saw how her father and Jaemin sat at the table and happily drank Soju. "Miga! Here you are." Jaehyun saw her and immediately waved her over to him and Jaemin. It was difficult for the girl to look her crush in the eye, everything was very confusing. "Is there something to celebrate?" Asks Miga cautiously, looking back and forth between the men. "Yes, there is," says Jaemin and looked deep into Miga's eyes, so that she briefly lost herself in them. Her heart beat faster and her knees got weak. "Jaemin, you and I are going to play in a drama together," Jaehyun said and poured his daughter a glass as well. "What?" Asks Miga, shocked. She doesn't quite know how to find it all. Jaehyun put the glass in her hand and put an arm around his daughter. "We must celebrate that."

providentia masterlist

daddy jaehyun masterlist

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with VivWiley

VivWiley has X-Files stories at more archives than I could list, but you can find the biggest collection (30 stories) at AO3. She's been prolific and around the fandom for a long time. I've recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including Autumn's Threshold and Equilibrium. Big thanks to VivWiley for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It does and it doesn’t.  As someone who is always discovering new shows and new fandoms, I know that one of the first things I do is go hunting for the related fic.  I love the ways that fanfic can fill in missing gaps, give us other POVs, and just generally help us see characters that we love (or are growing to love) in new lights. The X-Files, in particular, left so many freaking plot holes and jumps in logic, that I suppose it’s logical that people newly discovering TXF would gravitate to the fic.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

First, I should say that my “fandom” experience was really limited to the fanfic for TXF.  I didn’t get involved in discussions about the actors, the show runners, etc. Nor did I go to any of the conventions.  But, from the fanfic experience, I remain astonished by how many smart, funny, wonderful women I met (sorry, guys, I know you were out there, but I mostly didn’t get to know you), and how many of them are still close friends. My life would be infinitely less interesting and rich without all those friendships.

I also took away from that experience a confidence in my own creativity that I didn’t previously have.  I have done a great deal of professional writing throughout my career – policies, reports, protocols – but TXF fic writing allowed me to exercise a whole other part of my brain and heart.  It was fun and also felt like another way of learning and building a skill set I’d lacked.

Finally, I say that it was an early exposure for me to both the good and ill that online communities can foster.  There so many amazing acts of kindness and support.  One of my friends organized the Beta Readers Circle, a group of volunteer fic editors who would read and help you with stories on everything from grammar to “is this character acting in character” questions.  I both used and volunteered with the BRC. On the flip side, some of the discussion threads on the email lists could get a bit ugly.  Forerunner to the comment threads on today’s posts. So, humanity in a nutshell, right?

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

I initially discovered XF fic through a Washington Post article that was trying to drum up interest in the World Wide Web (as it was then talked about).  Every week, they featured a list of “hey you might find this cool/interesting” sites, and one week one of the sites they listed was the Gossamer archive.  I dove in and emerged utterly hooked.  I also discovered one of the early fic mailing lists (the name of which now escapes me), and from there I began sending feedback, which allowed me to start building relationships with authors, etc.  I later joined other mailing lists like Scullyfic, Sparky’s Doghouse, etc. I never connected with atxc or the message boards, really.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

The characters! Particularly Scully, at first.  It was clear from almost the beginning that the “story arc” (or the notion that there actually was an arc) was pure fiction, but I loved the relationships between the characters, the nuances that so many of them had, and the interplay of the notion of skeptic-believer could have.  And, of course, later on, Skinner was a personal favorite. [Lilydale note: VivWiley wrote a number of really great fics featuring Skinner.]

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

In many ways I think about TXF and TXF fandom in the same way I think about fond memories from high school or college.  Something that helped shape who I am today, in ways that aren’t always straight-forwardly apparent.  I still don’t really get involved (or care TBH) about the lives of the actors, the politics of the show construction, etc. I keep in touch with a large number of fandom alumni, and we will still occasionally reference the show, but our real-life connections have long-since overtaken TXF as our common denominator.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I read and wrote in several other fandoms post-XF, but nothing ever grabbed me in the same way, and I certainly never found the kind of real community that I did through XF.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I think I’m drawn to characters who are human – flawed, nuanced, neither purely good nor purely evil – and who are ultimately driven by higher principle or purpose, even as they make mistakes along the way. From early days, King Arthur was a particular favorite, as are Raederle from the Riddle Master of Hed series (Patricia McKillip), Sam Vines (Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series), and Codi Noline (Animal Dreams, Barbara Kingsolver).

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I did watch the most recent reboot/seasons of XF (and try not to think of them too much as I don’t need that kind of stress).  I do think about Mulder, Scully and Skinner on occasion.  Sometimes when the news reports something particularly weird or absurd, I wonder how Mulder and Scully would react to that, or amuse myself by thinking about how Skinner would be clenching his jaw and subtly undermining the current misuse of federal law enforcement resources.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I still read a lot of fic.  I kind of cycle through fandoms.  I read a lot of Marvel stuff, but have gone through other fic cycles.  I tend to find an author I like and then follow them into other fandoms.  That is, if I can find characters and stories in those fandoms that call to me.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

I’m a really old school XF ficcer, so some of the folks who drew me into the genre were writers like Madeleine Partous, Parrotfish, Meredith, MustangSally, Rivka, etc.

There are so, so many other writers and authors I could mention, so I think I’ll just stick to some of my early favs.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

In XF, my favorite is Equilibrium.  It was the most plotting I’d done, and one where I wrote from several POVs and where I had to really let the characters tell the story. In order to avoid spoilers, I’ll just say that there was a moment where a character did something I thought was really stupid, and I actually quit writing the story for about a week during which I argued with the character.  Then I had to go back and just let the story unfold. It’s the only time I’ve ever actually shed tears while writing a scene, but at the end of the day (end of the story?) it was the correct decision for the story I was writing.

Of other fandoms in which I’ve written, I think Fieldstripping (Farscape) and Gravity is not Responsible for your Fall (Firefly/Serenity) are ones where I felt I got it most “right.”

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I actually have a long Skinner-related story that I’ve been threatening to write for about 10 years.  I have it 80% outlined and a very clear picture of the first and last scenes…. I just need to find the energy and focus to sit down and start writing.  I think I finally tracked down all my old fic and it’s posted up to AO3.

What's the story behind your pen name?

Which one?  Ha!  I’ve had a few.  Viv Wiley is a weird one – it just sort of came to me while driving one day.  Not entirely sure where it came from, just settled into my brain while at a stoplight in Northern Virginia (where I was living at the time).  I ultimately consolidated all my fic under that name.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

Some friends and family know.  I’m judicious in who I tell.  I think people find it surprising, and of course, up until 5 years ago or so, I’d have to explain what fanfic is to most folks.  Now it’s so mainstream that I think if I were to tell someone new about it they wouldn’t be that surprised.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Everything is on AO3 under VivWiley

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

At the end of the day, what I care about is stories.  I think about the Doctor Who quote:  We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one.  I am so grateful for all the nooks, crannies, and giant chasms of plot holes that the XF writers left for us to fill in.  Through that filling in, I discovered so many other wonderful stories, and wonderful writers and people.

(Posted by Lilydale on September 8, 2020)

[jedimasterbailey]

A sneak peak into a future chapter of my Barrisoka Post Order 66 fic. This is how I imagine Luminara and Barriss’s final conversation with each other before the bombing going. Below is a flashback Luminara experiences in her Imperial cell. Mom Lumi and daughter Barriss is the hill I’m going to die on. Link to the fic below if you aren’t already reading!

Flashback

They’re sending you away again, aren’t they? And I won’t be coming with you?” Barriss concludes in an annoyed tone surprising the older woman walking beside her.

Luminara had just exited the Council chambers with her next assignment. She and Master Vos were to go to the jungle world of Drongar to investigate suspicious Spearatist activity involving a medicinal plant known as bota. Quinlan was going in Barriss’s place so that she can help with the sick and injured. Barriss’s healing gift was proving itself more valuable each day as the beds continue to fill up with no end of the war in sight.

“And this frustrates you?” Luminara questions gently, sending calming waves of the Force to soothe her Padawan.

“Yes it does, actually.” Barriss answers sharply, causing Luminara to stop in her tracks.

“Barriss, this isn’t like you. What is it?” Luminara asks placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder.

Barriss chews her lip, “I’m afraid Master.”

“Of what darling?” Luminara presses with a reassuring squeeze.

“Can we go somewhere more quiet?” Barriss pleads gesturing to the many Jedi that walked past them in the halls.

Luminara nods and guides them in an empty meditation room where they could speak in private. The Jedi Master then motions for her apprentice to take a seat on one of the mats on the floor to which she complies. Once both women sat down, Luminara offers Barriss a warm smile.

“What’s on your mind Padawan mine?”

Barriss struggles to maintain eye contact, “Master... I think there’s something wrong with me.”

Luminara’s heart skipped a beat, “What do you mean? Are you feeling alright?”

Barriss slowly nods, “Yes, I just don’t want you to go. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

Luminara deflates seeing how distraught her apprentice looked, “Tell me what’s on your heart Barriss. It hurts me to see you this way!”

Barriss steadies herself, “This war...it’s really taken it’s toll on me. The constant fighting, the death, it hurts me Master. I’m physically okay but every day I just feel myself slipping away. I hardly eat anymore, I can’t sleep without seeing people die... people I love...and they keep sending you away and I worry about you and...”

Barriss then broke into tears immediately causing Luminara to embrace the girl, rubbing soothing circles on her back as she cried.

“It’s okay Barriss... I’ve got you... Let it all out...”

And for several minutes thats how Master and apprentice stayed. While Barriss released her pain, Luminara sucked back tears of her own in order to stay strong for her Padawan. Since the war began, Luminara has despised Barriss’s involvement in it. She knew Barriss’s heightened sensitivity as a healer would make being deployed into battle difficult thus she considered bringing the idea of removing Barriss from the field to the Council. But Luminara knew that Barriss would not allow for it. It would undoubtedly hurt the young woman’s pride and possibly do more damage to her emotional health.

Luminara just couldn’t risk hurting Barriss in any way.

That’s why Luminara spent so much time over preparing for their missions. She wanted to do everything she can for the two of them to be successful, which is why their campaign on Geonosis was such a painful blow. Barriss was more than happy to utilize her photographic memory for an important assignment but it was Luminara’s plan that nearly cost the Padawans their lives. Had Barriss and Ahsoka perished, Luminara knew she would never forgive herself. She remained calm for Anakin, but little did the man know that she was falling apart on the inside as well. As much as her colleague wanted to deny it, Luminara didn’t want to give up on Barriss either. Losing Barriss would have shattered her beyond repair.

Barriss’s breathing then become more labored alerting her Master that a panic attack was underway.

“Breathe with me Barriss, stay with me. Deep breath through the nose in 3...2...1...” Luminara says before breathing deeply herself.

Barriss does as instructed and instantly grew calmer as she synchronized her breath with Luminara’s.

“That’s my girl...” Luminara whispers, kissing the top of Barriss’s head and combing her fingers through her hair.

After a moment of silence Barriss confesses, “There’s something I’ve been keeping from you...about the time I got possessed by the Geonosian parasite.”

Luminara winces at the memory, “Tell me...”

“There was a moment where I was lucid before I went unconscious, where the worm wasn’t speaking for me. I begged for Ahsoka to kill me and she told me she couldn’t and as grateful as I am... I remember feeling disappointed. I wanted to be free of the pain.” Barriss explains before Luminara pulls her chin upward.

Misty violet eyes locked on blue, “Do you still feel this way now?”

Barriss shakes her head, “No... but I fear it may happen again if something doesn’t change.”

Luminara cups Barriss’s cheeks, “Trust me when I say that I feel that same way you do about this war and our involvement in it. The Council isn’t always right, but I’m afraid our hands are tied on this one. It is up to us that we stand up for the millions who can’t defend themselves against evil. Remember what I told you when you kept having nightmares about Geonosis?”

Barriss smiles, “You mean about finding the light?”

Luminara beams with pride, pushing a stray bang from the girl’s face, “It’s always there like I’m always here. Barriss I love you and I promise that when this is all over, we will get you the help you need. I think it’s best we seek Minding services for you, maybe even some other treatment options too to help you cope. There is no shame is seeking help with needed my Padawan. And of course, I’d go with you because Force knows I’m not perfect either!”

The two women then shared a much needed laugh.

“Promise me something Barriss?” Luminara asks touching foreheads with her apprentice.

“Anything my Master.” Barriss says taking Luminara’s hands into her own.

“Stay strong my love and please if you need to talk do not hesitate to contact me. No matter the day or time, I will answer if I’m not in battle. You’ve been so brave through all of this and I’m so grateful you’ve opened up to me. When I come back, you will be receiving a couple tattoos for your courage. I couldn’t be more proud of you. “ Luminara professes before finishing with a proclamation Barriss could never see coming, “You will be a Knight very soon Barriss. You have grown into a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be. It will not be long before the Council sees you the way I see you.”

Barriss was speechless, but Luminara was able to see the happiness written all over her Padawan’s face. With another peck on the cheek, Luminara bids Barriss farewell.

“I have to get going now. Dont forget what I’ve said, I love you Barriss.”

Barriss then pulled them both up and gave Luminara the last hug the Jedi Master would ever receive from her Padawan.

“I love you too... May the Force be with you Master.”

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Life Without Reverend Moon by Jen Kiaba – October 22, 2012

Thirty-thousand feet seems like a good altitude at which to question one's life. “I am already in motion,” I tell myself. It's a kind of progress. Shortly after my twentieth birthday I was in progress, between JFK and Heathrow, en route to Oslo.

After takeoff the girl sitting next to me smiled kindly, asking where I was headed. I told her:

“To Norway. To visit my husband.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a stack of glossy women's magazines, offering me several. They promised hot sex tips, orgasm-inducing positions, and advice on how to find a man to orgasm with. She pointed to a few with a wink. “Maybe you can find something nice in there for your husband.”

Today, almost a decade later, to use the word husband feels wrong; I avoid it. But at the time it was what he said I should call him. “I am your husband!” he would say. The word sounded foreign in my ears; "husband" was supposed to be a word attached to “honoring” and “cherishing,” and whatever else heartfelt marriage vows should entail. But I had not been given the choice to say those vows.

My parents were married, along with two thousand other couples, in Reverend Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church at Madison Square Garden on July 1, 1982. I was the first of five children, and we were all raised as members of the Unification Church's Second Generation, who were thought to be born sinless and of God's Lineage, through the Blessing marriage ceremony officiated by Rev. Moon. Theologically this meant that Rev. Moon, as the purported Messiah, had created a heavenly lineage through his personal perfection, relationship with God, and marriage with (the much-younger) Hak Ja Han, in 1960.

Growing up, I always had the expectation that Rev. Moon would choose my spouse. In the Unification Church, one didn't date. Flirtatious interactions with the opposite sex were severely frowned upon, all activities were separated by gender, and we referred to one another as brother and sister in order to emphasize platonic relations. Sex before marriage was absolutely out of the question. The Church had a word for that: falling. To fall was the greatest sin that could be committed, and it could not be undone. To fall was to enter the realm of Satan, to be cut off from God and to wound His already-suffering heart.

Perhaps childhood's greatest tragedy is what we learn to normalize. In my upbringing, to question what we were taught was to invite Satan and the evil Spirit World into your mind; to fend off evil, one must quiet the questions and dive further into the readings and teachings of Rev. Moon. Some of the most effective brainwashing was what we had been taught to perpetuate upon ourselves.

At 19 I found myself on a terrifying personal precipice. I was seriously considering leaving the Unification Church, but with no means of supporting myself and no safety net outside of the insular church community, the notion was enough to bring me to panicked tears. Yet I didn't know if I believed Rev. Moon, his world, or his supposed messianic mission. As a reflex, I was ashamed and hated myself for feeling that way.

When word of an administrative opening in the US Second Generation Department reached my family, I was intrigued. What better way was there to understand what this movement was all about than by working for one of the central organizations? So, before making a decision to abandon the culture of my childhood, I climbed into the belly of the beast looking for truth. That’s where I lost my way.

When the Christmas holidays rolled around, I took my miniscule stipend and boarded an Amtrak train home to ponder the nothingness I had found but had not yet accepted. When I arrived home, there was news: after five years of having parents match their children, Rev. Moon was stepping up again, and was going to conduct a matching ceremony for the Second Generation.

My parents sat me down in the bedroom, listing all of the reasons why I should go. Though it was left unspoken, we all knew that at almost 20 years old, my eligibility expiration date was staring me hard in the face. My mother finished with, “If Jesus came to you and said that he had found your perfect spouse, what would you say to him?” She paused for effect. “Now, how much more is Father?”

How could I say no? To refuse was to deny the remotest possibility that this man might be who he said that he was. I simply had not gotten there in my journey. Besides, I told myself, it was just a matching. My match and I would have time to get to know each other before deciding to get married.

My biggest mistake was to assume that I would be allowed to exercise free will.

My mother dropped me off at East Garden, one of the Moon family's mansion-compounds in Tarrytown, NY, and I entered into the ballroom of the estate with approximately 10 other nervous young people. For the next several hours, one of the Korean leaders proceeded to lecture us on our unworthiness. That’s when I found out that by the time we left, we were all going to be Blessed to someone.

The panic blossomed. I had to leave and began approaching anyone, even strangers, to ask to borrow their cellphones. Repeated calls home, begging my parents to come pick me up, were answered in the negative.

By the end of the day, the ballroom was packed to capacity. Young people from all over the United States, Asia, and Europe had answered Rev. Moon's call. Late in the evening, Rev. Moon came out to address us through his interpreter. Though I had never heard them from his mouth before, I desperately wanted to hear words of wisdom — or something that rang true — from the man who held my future in his hands.

One phrase stuck out to me in the monotony: “Do you want me to match you tonight?” A thunderous “Yes” answered Rev. Moon's question, and we were lined up into rows, divided down the middle, and categorized.

I should have left, I tell myself. I should have simply snuck out of the sweltering ballroom, slipped out of the mansion, and found my way through security to get outside of the compound. Even if I had had to follow the train tracks from Tarrytown back home, I should have left. But with no money, no means of communication, and no idea if I would have a home to go back to if I left, I was frozen in place. Besides, I had been trained to obey.

Suddenly Rev. Moon began pointing. A girl, then a boy would stand up, acknowledge each other, bow to Rev. Moon, and then be ushered out to be “processed” by administrators. My breathing was shallow; I tried to quiet my mind and draw upon the things I had been taught.

Absolute faith. Absolute Love. Absolute Obedience.

When Rev. Moon's finger pointed to me, time stopped. I looked deep into the eyes of the man who had bidden me to rise with his gesture and saw nothing. I was gazing into the eyes of the man who was determining my future, and I had expected to see some sort of timelessness, or to feel as though his eyes were digging into my soul. But he was looking through me, as though his finger had arbitrarily found its way to me in a game of love roulette. I felt suspended over an infinite emptiness.

Then time sped up, his finger jabbed in another direction, then another and another. Three other people stood up, and I had no idea which of the other two men I had been assigned to. One I had met at a summer camp several years ago, but he was looking at someone else. The other man gestured to me and I found myself eye-level with a shrunken and pilled sweatshirt emblazoned with the word “Norway.”

In an instant, I was no longer suspended. A kind of darkness engulfed my mind, the words “game over” ringing in my ears. Afterward, everyone was abuzz with excitement; I desperately looked around to try and find someone whose face mirrored the same panic I was trying to fight. A gesture from above caught my attention. “Norway” was trying to introduce himself to me.

Finally I looked up at the man that Rev. Moon had chosen for me. "Tall" was the only word that came to mind. Over the noise, he tried asking me questions; what they were and how I answered, I forget. Those next hours were a strange blur — alternating between sadness and terror. At one point I borrowed someone's cellphone and called home. It was 2 a.m. and my mother's sleepy voice answered. “I'm matched,” I said without emotion. “To a Norwegian. His name is Chris.” Then I hung up.

We were woken up the next morning at 5 a.m. for morning service. I had lain awake all night, clutching my stomach, trying to keep nausea at bay. Chris found me and approached me with a bagel — the first meal I remember receiving in 24 hours. The smell of food made me ill and I politely refused. Despite his best efforts to chat with me and have the “getting to know you” small-talk, I could barely muster words.

Every so often I would sneak away to borrow another cellphone, calling home in tears. But if my parents had refused to budge before, they certainly weren't going to now that they had a son-in-law waiting in the wings.

The day after Christmas, at the back of that crowded ballroom, I was wearing a wedding dress that didn't fit, standing next to a tall stranger, and repeating vows in a language I didn't understand. After the Blessing ceremony, we had official photos taken. As the photographer told us to say “cheese,” I realized that I couldn't remember how to smile.

I still have that photo. I look like a confused child playing a bizarre game of dress-up; I'm gazing into the camera with a lost expression. Chris is looking away, dressed in an equally ill-fitting tuxedo. The picture would have been funny if it weren't so sad.

That was how I found myself several months later at 30,000 feet, bound for Norway. To fight the mounting dread of the impending arrival, I immersed myself in the magazines that my neighbor had kindly lent me. It was the first time I had ever picked up any material that encouraged an expression of sexuality, and I felt a delicious bit of rebellion wash over me.

As I pored over the pages, I could feel certain gears shifting as pieces of me unlocked and unwound inside. The women in these pages catapulted me into an exhilarating daydream in which my choices were my own. That daydream left an intense hunger within me.

As a 20-year-old virgin, I wanted to know what it would be like to sleep with a man because you wanted to, or because you loved him, not because you were pressured by your parents and his parents to “start family life.” The idea of sex with Chris made my skin crawl, and I had no idea if I would face pressure from him or his parents when my plane touched down.

Rev. Moon died on September 3, 2012, at the age of 92. His daughter, In Jin Moon, stepped down from her role as leader of the American church a few days later, after having given birth to a child from a three-year affair with a married man. While the church has not been a part of my life for many years now, I've watched these recent events and their fallout with interest.

At first, this news of Rev. Moon's daughter didn't bother me. Then the leadership began trying to explain away her actions and affair, saying that she "chose love when she had a chance.” How many of us were given the allowance to "choose love when we had the chance"? That was something we were explicitly denied; instead were taught to feel ashamed for our feelings unless they were chosen for us, and then sanctioned by someone with power over us.

Sometimes I wonder where my life would be if I had sat next to someone else on the plane, who offered to let me borrow a copy of The Economist instead. The girl next to me on the plane offered a small form of salvation; in a kind gesture she offered me a glimpse into a world that I had had no idea existed. It was a world in which I did not need to be ashamed of my body and my sexuality. My desires for love were not evil. It was a world that encouraged me to discover who I was, not a world in which I had to break my inner-self down to fit a preconceived notion of goodness and of womanhood. Most important, it was a world that let me take ownership of my future, my free will, my reproduction, and my heart. It was a world that I finally knew I needed to escape to.

And I did. It didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen while I was in Norway. It took me almost two years of fighting with Chris, fighting with his parents and my own, before a church divorce was granted. The decision to "break the Blessing" was an agonizing one that took me turning myself inside-out, trying to reform into the kind of person who could love and accept Chris. But finally, I walked away — free but with a proverbial Scarlet "A" branded into my chest, as far as other church members were concerned. Today I am proud of it. It is my battle scar from a fight I am proud to have survived, because I fought my way into this new world.

Jen Kiaba is a photographer living in New York's Hudson Valley. Her work explores dreams, memory, fantasy, and the realms where all three blend. This is her first personal essay. She and her sister also have a blog about their experiences within the Unification Church.

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The Purity Knife: Sex, Death and Human Trafficking in the Unification Church

http://summerofcheesecake.blogspot.com/

https://www.jenkiaba.com/portfolio

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Jen Kiaba on the Ares Meyer podcast

Conceptual Self Portrait Artist
Join me in conversation with Artist Jen Kiaba as we talk Poetry, Self Portraits and Child Marriage.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/conceptual-self-portrait-artist/id1549515902?i=1000507915214

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Why Didn’t You Just Leave?

Jen Kiaba
: Hello and welcome to my least favorite question in the entire world. It’s one I’ve heard more times than I care to count, and sadly I think that’s something many cult survivors can relate to. In the past that question used to make me clam up and spiral into shame, or mumble, “It’s not that simple.” But in those days I didn’t fully understand the coercive control mechanism that were used to keep me, and so many others, trapped.

Read more:
 https://jenkiaba.medium.com/lessons-on-leaving-why-didnt-you-just-leave-789953c4689a

___________________________________

We Are All Vulnerable

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‘Falling Out’ Elgen Strait podcast  April 6, 2021

13. Fuel For Nightmares: Jen Kiaba – Part 1

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/13-fuel-for-nightmares-jen-kiaba-part-1/id1550448436?i=1000516011584

• Jen’s website: jenkiaba.com • Introducing a new segment “Autotune the Moon.” • “Bad Moon Rising” by John Gorenfeld – Recommended by Jen.


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‘Falling Out’ Elgen Strait podcast  April 13, 2021

14. Scorpion House: Jen Kiaba – Part 2

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/14-scorpion-house-jen-kiaba-part-2/id1550448436?i=1000516958607

Recommended reading from Jen: "Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free" by Linda Kay Klein

[the-trashy-phoenix]

Supernatural season 5 review (part 1)

Link to part 2:

At the end of the previous season, as you remember, we were left speechless by all the plot twists happened in the last episode, leaving us on a cliffhanger. Of course we already know the aim of the entire fifth season will be stopping the Apocalypse, but we don’t have a clue, and neither do Sam and Dean at first, about how they’ll manage doing it, and that’s the whole point of this part of the show. As always, stopping the evil forces is not the only obstacle the brothers have to face, as there’s also a relational problem between them. This one is maybe the biggest so far, considering Sam himself caused the whole mess, to use an euphemism, they have to clean and will surely cause unpredictable tragedies all over the world (through the episodes, characters often refer to natural disasters). Sam’s guilt is nearly unbearable, and if we consider how considerate and kind he is we can assume it’s deadly painful for him, but that’s not the worst part. That’s not the reason why Dean can’t forgive him. Deep but not so deep inside he’s mad at his brother and can’t trust him because he refused to follow him and his advice and decided to trust Ruby’s plans. As always they’re both right: no one could say how evil Ruby was as she did a very good and long-term job in hiding it, and Dean himself trusted her, but the point is Sam made a choice and Dean can’t bare the fact that the only person he could really rely on chose someone else, especially because Sam’s choice proved to be extremely wrong. So paradoxically the real problem between them is not the Apocalypse, as Dean knows Sam would have never cause it on purpose, but the lack of trust, which is very difficult to restore (especially because they never maturely talk about it and they just do when they explode with anger and resentment) and which by the way prevents them from focusing properly on saving the world.

Moreover, the villain the world must be saved from is the worst you could imagine, Lucifer. This brings the fight on a superior level, as hell forces, now on earth, fight with heaven creatures, the angels we’ve met in the fourth season. The brothers are in the middle of this epochal war in the deepest sense, as both angels and demons want them on their side. Sam and Dean don’t know what to do, but they’re sure they will never ally with anyone, which is quite complicated because they’re deeply connected to both sides in an interesting way. As a matter of fact, in season four we've found out that not only Sam began the Apocalypse breaking the last seal, but also that Dean unintentionally started the whole thing breaking the very first seal when he accepted to torture souls down in hell. This makes Dean feel so guilty as well, and should make him consider Sam less responsible of the Apocalypse, and at some point he does, making it the real turning point in his view, as he realises they’ve been both cheated by angels and demons who made them their puppets assuming they would obey without arguing. Also, the brothers get to know they’re even more involved in the fight: Sam is Lucifer’s vessel, which means he’s the strongest human being able to carry the demon, but of course he has to say yes and he won’t, and Dean is Micheal’s vessel, which means he’s the only instrument angels have to make the archangel powerful enough to fight Lucifer and hopefully win the war. Sam’s choice is easy, as there’s no doubt Lucifer is evil, but still he has to bear a lot of pressure from Lucifer himself and his faithful demons who keep bothering him, Dean and Bobby the whole time.

Dean’s position is a lot more complex: he knows he’s the only hope to defeat hell creatures, but he’s also learned to be suspicious towards angels and would rather die than do what Zacharia wants, as he is not quite the type of person who easily forgives someone who’s been so mean to him. Somehow their only choice is quite clear, breaking free from both angels and demons and begin their own fight against all of them to stop the Apocalypse and save as many people as possible, as they seem to be the only ones caring for them. I think they know it from the beginning, but it’s a great step to take and before jumping into it they have to go through a process of inner growth, understanding how wrong it would be to take a side and how they just have each other to count on, even after all the lies and misunderstandings they’ve been through. After some time they’re ready to start their own fight, choosing carefully their soldiers in the people they trust the most and making an exception just for Castiel. He himself also went through a deep process of growth during which he becomes more and more human, both physically and spiritually, and brave enough to follow what he thinks is the right path despite the pressure from the angels, who are his family, and even if Sam and Dean’s idea of fighting against all supernatural creatures is desperate.

Of course Sam and Dean’s decision is sometimes not so firm: I’ll mention Dean’s temporary choice to say yes to Micheal, because it gives a great view of Dean’s inner self. He knows saying yes to Micheal means dying, so before leaving his body he goes to say goodbye to Lisa, his ex-girlfriend he met again some seasons ago, and tells her that she’s the only one he would imagine to be with in an hypothetical happy life. This scene really broke my heart because it’s one of the rare occasions in which Dean admits he dreams of a normal life, which could seem boring if he hadn’t experienced all the pain his life as a hunter brought him, free from the fear he constantly feels (and tries to hide in every way) and from all the burdens he has to carry every day. Dean seems even somehow happy to die, and it’s clear he hates the hunter life more than Sam, even if it’s the most important part of him. I appreciate so much Dean’s constant growth and development through the episodes and the increasing insight of his personality (which is, together with Sam’s, the most complex in the show) moving from the prototype of the narcissist and sexist guy to a deep and grown man.

In this season we also meet several times the other hunters who always keep in touch with and help Sam and Dean. Of course Bobby is still part of their team, and his storyline is developed as he has an accident that makes him lose the use of his legs. Castiel can’t help him because he’s lost his powers and Bobby cedes to deep depression. He feels more useless than ever and would do anything to have his legs again, considering how this is a huge handicap in his fully active hunter life, so he solves his problem the only way every character seems to know, making a deal with a demon. This one is particularly important as he’s a complex character whose intentions are not completely clear from the beginning, Crowley. He of course is a demon, and a very powerful one, but happens to help the Winchesters apparently without any reason giving them the Colt, the only weapon that could kill Lucifer (but it can’t, and the brothers will find out too late). I think this character will be a great source of satisfaction going on with the show.

Talking about hunters, I can’t but mention one of the saddest moments of the season. During the first attempt to kill Lucifer with the Colt, also Ellen and Jo get to help the “team free will”, as they’ve become full-time hunters after the destruction of their Roadhouse and are committed to the fight. Things don’t go as planned and the two women get killed by hellhounds aroused by Meg. Their death arises Sam and Dean’s guilt for all the good people dying to help them (and eventually they didn’t even manage to defeat Lucifer this time), because they refused to serve as vessels and chose to fight their own way. They still think that’s a good choice, but they have to constantly live with the burden of all the deaths they cause.

One of them keeps on tormenting Sam from the first season. He could never forget his guilt for Jessica’s death, but it becomes even more painful when he finds out she was meant to meet and love him and to be killed by demons from the start. Even his college best friend, who had presented Jess to him, was a demon, so that Sam was never destined to a normal life, even though he had tried so hard to build one, and everything that ever happened to him was meant to lead him to his predestined future, to become a hunter just as the father he had always wanted to break free from. This shocking revelation makes Sam cut once for all the hopes he had to stop being a hunter and to have a family one day: he now knows for sure he’s cursed (like his brother, who on the other hand can’t really let go that idea of a family) and understands he has to face his destiny without running away ever again.

I particularly liked the character of Chuck, the prophet, who can see in advance what will happen to Sam and Dean and help them, and Becky, the most dedicated fan of Supernatural, the series of books Chuck has written about the Winchesters. They also come together with the metanarrative of Supernatural itself, as Chuck wrote the books before knowing the whole story was real, and even after knowing it they keep on organizing events, such as the convention involving Sam and Dean themselves in episode 9, to bring together fans. At first it’s a bit of a shock, both for the protagonists and for us, but you get easily used to this mechanism of the show reflecting upon itself and it’s quite fun. I’m not a TV series expert, but I found this feature so original and kind of self-ironic I think that’s one of the elements which makes Supernatural unique.

Supernatural also touches kind of theological and philosophical themes through the narration about heaven and angels, focusing on their ambiguous morality, but in the fifth season also God has a space. At first he’s mentioned to justify Castiel’s resurrection (he had died at end of the fourth season) and at some point he seems to be the only one who is powerful enough to stop the Apocalypse and the war, but no one has seen him in years. The archangel Raphael says he’s dead and, when Sam and Dean go to heaven (which by the way wasn’t how I expected, as it’s just a place where you relive your happiest memories), Joshua tells them he’s alive but he doesn’t care anymore about his duties. That was quite predictable, but still it makes the brothers even more angry and hopeless, knowing that the angels are following orders from this God and that he has created humanity and forgot about it straightaway. This perspective about God is clearly made to make people think, and reflects how most of them feel about religion and Evil, which cannot be satisfactorily explained by the traditional idea of theology and free will (which by the way is the evocative name the brothers and Castiel give to their team). Sam and Dean need to find a way to reach their purpose to save the world and by doing it they can’t count on God or a good superior creature, but as always they can only count on themselves and do better than God himself did (which shouldn’t be too difficult).

Just when everything seems to be lost, an unexpected character, the Trickster, reveals himself. After giving us the last of his extremely funny and weird episodes, the brothers find out he’s the missing archangel, Gabriel: he’s an outsider in his family who broke free not to fight against his brothers, like Lucifer did, but to live a peaceful life far from all angels and demons’ issues. He’s neither good nor evil, because he doesn’t want to take sides, but it’s so clear he has a preference for Sam and Dean and kind of mirrors himself in their desire to follow their own path outside what heaven and hell have decided for them that he helps them explaining how they can defeat Lucifer. They have to collect the rings of the Four Knights, War, Famine, Death and Pestilence, to re-open Lucifer’s cage, but to do so Sam has to say yes to him and hopefully succeed in leaving it before falling down to hell. Of course Dean is not sure about the plan and doesn’t want his brother to do that, but they both know it’s the only way to stop the Apocalypse; also Sam is well aware of all the risks, but somehow feels it’s his chance to redeem and clear up the mistake he made. In one of the last scenes of the brothers together, Sam makes Dean promise the sweetest thing: he will not try to bring him back if he fails, and he will live a normal life with Lisa and Ben. The final fight ends really badly, as both Lucifer in Sam’s body and Micheal in Adam’s body (he’s the closest relative to Dean and the brothers, even if they tried, couldn’t protect him from angels, as another proof the Winchesters are cursed in their blood) fall and go back to Lucifer’s cage. I thought Dean would have never respected his promise, but the season unexpectedly ends with a peaceful scene of an ordinary dinner table where Dean, Lisa and Ben are happily eating as a proper family. But just when I thought the shock couldn’t be worse, the camera shows us we’ve seen this scene from a particular point of view, Sam’s. How can he possibly be back? What will he do now? We will surely find an answer in the next season…

- Irene 💕

[valkyrieprofilee]

Listening Guide - Valkyrie Profile Voice Mix Arrange

“The concept behind Valkyrie Profile Voice Mix Arrange is uncommon yet simple: mixing in-game voice acting with arranged music. It has given birth to a most controversial game music soundtrack that was "epoch-making at the time", according to its composer, Motoi Sakuraba.” 

TRACK LIST -  (00:59:14)

01.  REQUIEM TO A PREDICAMENT ~ NEGATIVE ROOTS  | 05:08 02.  ANCIENT FANTASIES ~ A HOLLOW HEART  | 03:54 03.  THE CRUMBLING ID  | 01:48 04.  TO THE UNHALLOWED GROUND  | 03:58 05.  OUT OF CHAOS  | 04:36 06.  BOOZE ON A MOONLIGHT NIGHT  | 04:41 07.  THE FIRST UNISON  | 04:30 08.  CONFIDENCE IN THE DOMINATION  | 04:13 09.  HEADS MAGIC, TAILS CURSE  | 04:03 10.  CIRCULATE ON A WINDUP DOLL  | 01:33 11.  THE NONSENSE OF REALITY  | 04:26 12.  EVIL TALES AND OBLIGATIONS  | 04:48 13.  THROUGH A THIN HAZE  | 03:46 14.  BLOODY PANIC  | 4:45 15.  THE ROAD TO GLORY AND PROSPERITY | 3:05

Listen Here 

Note: Although this guide aims to help listeners better enjoy and understand Valkyrie Profile Voice Mix Arrange, it is recommended you have prior knowledge of Valkyrie Profile’s story/ knowledge of the Japanese language to enjoy this album to the fullest extent.

READ MORE FOR GAME-OST.COM’S REVIEW 

01) REQUIEM TO A PREDICAMENT ~ NEGATIVE ROOTS 

      The very start of the album sounds almost Baroque-oriented, with the familiar tune of "Requiem to a Predicament" played on an harpsichord. Quickly, the first voice of the album can be heard. Lenneth Valkyrie calls her companions to battle: "Shi no, saki wo yuku mono-tachi yo! / To my side, my noble Einherjar!". At first, the voice sounds distants and feeble, then, as voices from other characters start to gather around her voice, it becomes more firm and the background instrumentation grows in strength. At one point, all the energies have reached their apogee and the transition to the second part of the track is made as Lenneth commands "Ide yo! / Come forth!", unleashing the introduction to "Negative Roots".

     That rush gives more room to instrumental action at first, with a solid, rockin' arrangement featuring, where a dreamy synth pad replaces the original flute, and gives the melody much more appeal. Lenneth's voice is heard from time to time, still urging the warriors to fight by her side in the middle of action. At 2:48, the "Requiem..." theme comes back to mark a pause in the middle of the fight. This time, the harpsichord is accompanied by a violin and low drums. These elements, as well as the male voices talking about death, add more gravity to the scene while Lenneth continues to summon more warriors. The drums get louder and louder, and another "Ide yo!" switches back to the dungeon theme, this time shorter, and with even more battlecries. Eventually, "Requiem..." is played for the last time but Lenneth's voice disappears, leaving two isolated voices: a man in great pain and a surprised girl.

     I think this track constitutes a good, striking introduction that starts the story where it should. However, it isn't the best representative of the voice/music pairings that can be found on this album.

02) ANCIENT FANTASIES ~ A HOLLOW HEART

      The pace of this arrangement has been slowed down compared to the original "Ancient Fantasies", and the leading instrument has been replaced by synth strings, so that it protrudes better. On the whole, it still sounds very similar. That same little girl's voice (most probably Nanami) is asking for Valkyrie to wait for her. The volume and reverb of her voice changes to simulate it becoming more and more distant. Freya's voice is leading, sounding as self-confident and direct as Lenneth was in the previous track. Their alternating voices coupled with fast synth percussions makes me think about the runs my party did into the game's vast dungeons.       

     The second part of the track starts as the first reaches its maximum level of tension. The brisk beat of "Ancient Fantasies" is maintained while the quiet mood of "A Hollow Heart" gradually sets in with Freya's reassuring voice. As the beat becomes more regular, words are repeated again and again in the background, as if Freya was trying to hypnotize us. This arranged version has a nice soothing effect that is used quite well as a break between two dungeon sessions.

      The track ends with the second reprise of "Ancient Fantasies", using the very same quotes as the first one. At one point, a few words ("Waga na - Jougen no Shinri / My name - The Extend of Truth") are looped in the background while Freya continues talking. It is the beginning of the end: obsessional chaos seems to set in as layered voices endlessly repeat the same words...

03) THE CRUMBLING ID

     The confusion induced at the end of the previous track couldn't have been better to introduce the ominous tone of "The Crumbling Id". A gigantic, very low noise lurks in the background, as dark sweeping pads and hard drums produce a feeling of despair. The prevailing mood here is anguish; I feel like I'm looking down at a bottomless pit, at something impossible to fathom for me as a human being.

     The voices used in this track reflect that state of mind. Sakuraba illustrates "The Crumbling Id" with cries and supplications of a young man ("Ore no negai kanaete kure! / Please grant my wish!") while a girl is bursting into tears in the background. Her sobbing is emphasized by a strong reverb effect, which gives the impression that her voice is overwhelming the soundscape from all directions. The resulting atmosphere is gloomy, intimidating, and almost physically disturbing, as we don't expect the album to take this sinister turn at all after the first two action-based tracks. This is precisely where it really starts to be interesting: it's getting closer to the drama genre, but still has a strong musical dimension behind. 

     Note that this track is rather short and ends abruptly with a few piano notes. Was it all an illusion?

04) TO THE UNHALLOWED GROUND

     By hearing the very first seconds, we know we're back into electronic action. After a few listens, I'm still wondering what the aim of this track might be. We're provided with a hardly recognizable electronic arrangement of the memorable introduction theme of the game. This version has a minimalist harmony, and focuses primarily on the use electronic samples and the building of a danceable rhythm. The impression of being in a nightclub is all the stronger as most of the voices are combat taunts of female characters. Nothing astounding here.

05) OUT OF CHAOS

     "Out of Chaos" starts quietly, on a low and suspenseful tone. As Arngrim's self-confident voice introduces us to the heart of the track, warlike synth drums enter the stage to play a primitive rhythm. The voice gets distorted, and the track takes off after a final and provocative sentence ("Huh... taoreru made kirikizamu dake yo / Huh... Just a matter of carving you up till you die").

     This arrangement relies mostly on sweeping synths and bass used to create a hectic and surreal atmosphere. Arngrim's reassuring male voice fits rather well in that context. After two loops, the track ends abruptly on his "special attack" taunt: "Teme no kao wo miaki ta ze / I've seen enough of your face". 

Simple yet quite good.

06) BOOZE ON A MOONLIGHT NIGHT

     "Booze on a Moonlight Night" is the first track of the album that has been exclusively composed for it. It's also the first track of the album to have such a nonchalant atmosphere: the four same chords are repeated from the beginning to the end, backed by slow drum loops quite similar to what can be heard in rap music. In the meantime, you can hear all the male badasses of the game enjoying themselves. 

     Their inebriation is simulated throughout the track by several elements: the pitch of their voice frequently deepening all of a sudden, the oneiric feel given by the sound of the main synth, the reassuring — almost effeminate — appearance of saxophone solos, the drums sounding heavier and heavier as time passes by. Sakuraba succeeds in building a thorough and realistic picture of your generic tavern, late at night, clouded with smoke and full of tired warriors looking for comfort into alcohol and women.

07) THE FIRST UNISON

    There's something hypnotizing about the buildup that introduces this track. The main percussion loop seems like giant machinery put in motion. The way the motif created by all the instruments alternates between ascending and descending motif creates a sound disturbingly close to something that emulates a giant breathing. This organic aspect is reinforced by a few "fat" synth notes added at key-moments in the main loop. Behind this monstrous sound, a man — most probably Gandar — can be heard. His voice is as confident as the machinery's motion is unstoppable. He's the main character, and his laugh is the trigger to the body of this track.

     The main melody is quite special: if you imagine it without the percussion, and with a slower tempo, it sounds like a very sad melody. However, forcing its rhythm to a dungeon-compliant pace makes it sound tragic and determined at the same time. According to the quotes that have been chosen, I think that's exactly how the character is like. The dramatic bridge of this track introduces a few battlecries, as well as a quote that will be heard until the end of the track: "Ore wa ore no tame ni ikiru / I live for my own sake". The mechanical drums of the beginning appear again, with this sentence looping in the background. As the end approaches, techno drums, a synth flute, and the man's voice participate in the final buildup.

     I must say that "The First Unison" is the first track that left a totally positive impression on me, because it sounds more elaborated and deeper in meaning than the previous others.

08) CONFIDENCE IN THE DOMINATION

    Those who already know the Original Soundtrack will quickly notice that the pace of this famous piece of music has been dramatically slowed down, and doesn't sound like a battle track anymore. It's as if it has been stretched to offer enough room to paste sentences inside. A few voice effects have also been added to the backing percussion, including male gruntings; at least that's fun to listen to! 

     I'm not very convinced about this one, mostly because I can barely stand its nonsensical new pace. Seriously, it's such a sluggish battle theme... *nays*

09) HEADS MAGIC, TAILS CURSE

    "Heads Magic, Tails Curse" starts with a nice piano solo introducing the soothing voice of Lenneth, with chirpings in the background. I'm not sure about what the latter are supposed to represent (Birds? Shooting stars? The world of dead spirits?) but they surely add something to the serene, almost oneiric atmosphere of this introduction. It doesn't last long, however. As Valkyrie invites us — almost intimately — to follow her ("Isshioni ikimasho / Let's go together"), the dream ends... and the second part literally bursts in.

          Now is that a nightmare or harsh reality? The contrast with the introduction is extremely violent, and we're surrounded all of a sudden by dissonant brass, berserk strings, and aggressive percussion. One thing is certain; what we're facing now outclasses human scale. Lenneth's last words resonate again, yet they are deformed. She sounds heartless, almost commanding. The metaphor is now much clearer; this track illustrates what happens to every character of the game, whose soul is taken at the moment of their death to become an Einherjar, a warrior spirit. From that moment on, their existence is dedicated to fighting demons along with Lenneth, hence that frightening and endless second part.

      The conclusion to this track is some kind of flashback to the initial piano and chirping mood, focusing on one of the sentences Lenneth said at the beginning: "Tasuke... tasukeru towa ittai. Dono yo na koto o sase / To save... to save somebody eternally. What kind of thing do you make me do?". 

Brilliant.

10) CIRCULATE ON A WINDUP DOLL

     This track is a short interlude on the CD, summing up the fight with the dreadful Genevieve. The villain's taunts and laughs can be heard all over the arranged version of her own battle theme, featuring a cool organ improvisation in its second part. As expected, the track ends with a "oh no, I'm defeated!" verbose line, as well as a great organ/violin finale. I don't think it would have been better if it were longer.

11) THE NONSENSE OF REALITY

     It all begins with one of these "ultimate showdown" moods: a monster's distorted voice responding to a man's determined voice, the whole being backed my a massive church organ toccata and electric guitar riffs. It all becomes weird when you realize that both voices are saying the same words.

     The toccata ends at the 1:11 mark to make place for the body of the track; the fight between the man and his deformed self, incarnated by an rousing arrangement in the tradition of Sakuraba's epic prog-rock style. Battlecries and imprecations are well-integrated this time, both in terms of timing and volume. "The Nonsense of Reality" is the most energetic and epic track of the album. But while its form is very accessible, its contents don't reach great depths.

12) EVIL TALES AND OBLIGATIONS

    The first thing one should notice is how the oriental flavour of the original version has been enhanced — and its boorishness put aside — to make the track actually enjoyable. The basic percussion use is still the same, but the samples have greatly improved, and the bass line can now be almost labelled as sexy. Last but not least, the Arabian flute that appears here and there adds a twisted touch to this restless atmosphere. The main character's voice is accompanied by an harpsichord, illustrating its refined cruelty. You've guessed it, the guest star of "Evil Tales and Obligations" is no less than everyone's favourite necromancer Lezard Valeth! 

     In this track, his evil laughs and his disgustingly confident voice are resonating through the hallways of his tower, reaching our ears as we struggle to reach the summit. A true tribute to evil!

13) THROUGH A THIN HAZE

     Staying faithful to the game's spirit, the album continues on a tragic note, representing the death of a hero, illustrated by a grand orchestration of "Through a Thin Haze". More than that, if you succeed in getting into the track, the added voices will find their way to your heart, as they are cleverly used along with the intensity of the music.

     A woman's soft voice enters the scene, talking to someone: "Ne, isshou ni iko yo / Come on, let's go together". At one point, her voice becomes tainted with sadness ("Koko ni kure wa anata no ibashio kanjirarerumono / This sunset is something that makes me feel where you are"), and we suddenly understand that the person she's talking to is no more. She continues to supplicate ("Shini takunai! / Don't die!") until she bursts out crying as the orchestra reaches its climax. A beautiful violin and piano interlude follows to back her silent mourning. After that, a strident noise can be heard as pain and fear rush back to her, triggering another burst of tears. Finally, church bells come in after a last orchestral climax, to add a solemn touch to this moving scene.

     I'd place this track at the same level as "Epic Tale of a Holy Death" from the arranged album. However, I'm conscious of its hit-or-miss nature; these sobbings and cryings can be considered as annoying and ridiculous as I find them adequate. All is a question of believing in what is happening.

14) BLOODY PANIC

     "Bloody Panic" is the second exclusive composition of this album. This one sounds like an ancestor of boorish Gothic metal songs, with its apocalyptic synths and its deep intimidating groans ("Osore, uyamae... waga na ha Bloodbane! / Fear me, worship me... I am Bloodbane!"). At one point, a piano pops in to play a few minor notes that sound like they've been directly taken from these awful 4-seconds-long loops used in cheap rap music. 

     A few measures later, the track switches back to distorted guitars and Bloodbane's growlings to finish on his long-awaited death. Nothing really interesting here; even if you happen to like that kind of music, I'm sure there are better incarnations than this one out there.

15) THE ROAD TO GLORY AND PROSPERITY

     What would be better than the victory tune played at the end of each chapter to conclude this album? This orchestral arrangement is very enjoyable, though rather close to the original version. While the fanfare plays, a small girl's voice can be heard, encouraging us to go on with the adventure ("Watashi wa makenai / I'll never give up", "Watashi o mamori kudasai / Please protect me").  The track concludes after the last cymbal hit, with Lenneth's words "Shiawase ni narimasu yo / I wish you happiness". 

     In my opinion, the track is well-placed but the arranging and voicing effort hasn't been taken very far. It constitutes a decent ending nonetheless.

SUMMARY

     I must say that when starting this review, I had a strong prejudice against the album, having read a couple of negative reviews. However, I hadn't gone through a real listen until I decided to review it. Believe it or not, I ended up extremely satisfied by this musical experience.

     What exactly is Valkyrie Profile Voice Mix Arrange, then? First of all, its musical material consists of arranged tracks, plus two new ones that don't belong to the Original Soundtrack. But music shouldn't be the main subject of interest here. What makes this album special are the added voices from all the characters of the game. Valkyrie Profile being extremely rich and deep terms of voice acting, what you'll hear won't be only digitalized battlecries; the chosen quotes cover a broad emotional spectrum.

     I think that people who listen to that album as any other work that can be played as background entertainment are quickly fed up with it because these voices don't stop begging for their attention. Indeed, it is especially difficult to focus on something else, since the voice acting is done well enough for everyone to be able to grasp the emotions of the characters. I'd say the best approach would be to "live" the album as an orchestrated series of plays, rather than a series of musical pieces with voices over them. The spirit of Sakuraba's work will appear by itself when you consider the characters as the centre of interest of each track. Note that it is not the same as a drama album either, because music is way more than background material.

     Should I advise you to get it? It all depends on whether you're a speedy "background listener" or if you are patient enough to actually listen to an album without doing anything else at the same time. One thing is sure, however : the targeted audience is definitely those who are familiar with the game and its story. Having played and enjoyed Valkyrie Profile for at least a dozen hours is highly recommended before you try and listen to the album. Rated 08/10 by Reviewer  ~END OF GAME-OST.COM REVIEW~ _______________________ NOTES

- Tracks 6 and 14 were not included in the original game

- Valkyrie Profile Voice Mix Arrange is the third album released for Valkyrie Profile, four months after Valkyrie Profile Original Soundtrack and three months after Valkyrie Profile Arrange Album

- Valkyrie Profile Voice Mix Arrange is the hardest to find of the three albums and is best obtained through eBay.

Alt. Track Titles: 01 – Heaven’s Requiem 02 – Long Generations of Anger 03 – Punishment Creed 04 – To an Anxious Earth 05 – Into Chaos 06 – Booze on a Moonlit Night 07 – The First Unison 08 – Confidence in the Domination 09 – Evil Mortals, Holy Divinity 10 – Circulate on a Windup Doll 11 – Responsibility 12 – An Evil Mechanism 13 – Sadness 14 – Bloody Panic 15 – To the Road of Light and Darkness

Catalogue Number:  FSCA-10134 Composed By:  Motoi Sakuraba Arranged By:  Motoi Sakuraba Release Date: 06/21/2000 Published By: First Smile Entertainment

Cast: Lenneth: Yumi Touma Lucian: Nozomu Sasaki Mystina: Wakana Yamazaki Arngrim/Aluze: Hiroki Touchi Lezard Valeth: Takehito Koyasu Freya/Frei: Maria Kawamura Loki: Mitsuaki Madono Yumei, Celia: Hiroko Emori Aelia, Genevieve, Millia, Claire: Ai Orikasa Jelanda: Kae Araki Badrach, Surt: Mitsuaki Hoshino Brahms, Bloodbayne: Kenji Nomura Nanami: Natsumi Yanase Fuyuki: Daisuke Sakaguchi