#EVEN IF I HAVE THE FUCKING DIAGNOSIS

[bat-the-misfit]

i actually tried taking some pics but SOME STUPID CAMERA made my whole hand appear red and it was not a my-whole-hand-is-red episode it was a my-fucking-g0d-my-hands-have-two-different-colors-lmao episode and the camera fucking ruined it

[bananonbinary]

as a certified Diagnosed Autist(TM) i cannot stress enough that i am not only pro- self-diagnosis, but also pretty anti- legal medical diagnosis. it is, at best, a cruel hoop we have to jump through so privileged people will deign to give us what we need. don't fucking do that shit unless you have to, it was disgustingly expensive, fucking humiliating, infantilizing, and dehumanizing, and would probably actively cause problems in my life if i didn't have some really good allistic (-passing) people in my corner and also wasn't so fucking disabled that it mostly doesn't matter.

literally get that diagnosis if you need it for job/school accessibility shit or SSI or whatever, and otherwise dont tell the government SHIT about yourself. there is zero good reason for them to want that information. that's between you and the people you want in your life.

[pseudophan]

gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow

[purpurussy]

I know this is 100% my personal problem and idk if anyone can relate but as an afab person with some weird gender shit going on I kinda hate it whenever dnp make jokes like "you know us we don't like pussy/tits" etc like 😭 I love that they have fully healed from the comphet "fyi I like vagina" era but I hate being made to feel like a Woman™ because of my anatomy if that makes sense. Like my brain interprets it as "we don't like those traits because they make you a woman and we're gay" idk it gives me like a weird wave of dysphoria every time they say it 😭😭 the first time I watched BIG I interpreted Dan's monologue about "I don't care what kind of anatomy you've got going on, I don't feel attracted to the signs on bathroom doors" as being like trans inclusive but I fear he's walked it back with these constant jokes dsdfghjkl and to be clear I'm not saying anyone is obligated to find me or my body type attractive like that's not what this is about. It's just the equation of genitals/anatomy with gender idk. And this is not even really something that's specific to dnp and I know there's a lot of discourse about genital preferences or whatever idk idk maybe I should've just sent this to phannieconfessions and allowed everyone to take it in the worst possible faith over there. I just need to get it off my chest

[buckys-last-braincell]

god i hate neurodivergency sometimes because it's like

- misses social cue

- comes off as rude when joking

- comes off as joking when serious

- too much energy (makes people uncomfortable)

- too little energy (makes people uncomfortable)

- not matching energy (see: misses social cue)

- do they hate me or are they just tired and can't match my high energy?

- do i have a crush or a hyperfixation?

- are my friends secretly annoyed by me? overawareness of body language says yes, misinterpreted social cues says no. find out next episode when i say something wrong again!

- rare moment of shared interest and lovely discussion and mutual info dumping

- The Guilt.

- perfectionism

- "you were such a happy kid, what happened?"

- understimulated. need maximum media.

- overstimulated. if that person says one more word i'm gonna combust.

- masking? when? around whom? is it okay if i just don't? "why are you doing that weird thing? (existing as myself)" okayyyy thanks for the feedback never unmasking around you again. close family member. thanks that really made me want to jump out of my skin. yeah no i'm gonna go and scratch my face off now thanks.

- The Guilt (TM) part 2 where it's not anymore about Not Achieving Your Full Potential but about not being able to save the entire world actually. how dare you.

- horrbly affected by hormones. like so goddamn much. i hate how much my feelings towards things and my reactions change depending on my menstrual cycle. like i don't know who i am anymore. which one of the Mes is the real Me. how do i know how i feel about this when every week it's different?

and so on. i'm so tired. why can't people just be straighforward and say what they mean. why the cold shoulder and the awkward fake laughs. i'm so goddamn tired.

[oh-meow-swirls]

i think this was funnier in my head.

[taylorftparamore]

can y'all stop trying to fuckin diagnosis taylor swift holy shit

[horrorsansdaily]

Day 19

[mellotronmkll]

Does anyone else get the thing of like you're already so obsessed with something that you're like it would probably be good if I was less obsessed with this / I need to shut up about this but at the same time you constantly find yourself thinking I have Got to get more obsessed with this. I have Got to get more obsessed

[articwolfclawartist]

I hate how neurodivergence, especially autism, is either viewed as something quirky and cutesy and “aawwww you’re just a special lil baby! There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong or unfortunate about your situation!!!!🩷🩷🩷)” or is considered so horrendous people would rather perform lobotomies (sorry Autism Speaks, but that’s literally the closest you’ll ever get to a “cure”, you sick fucks) and commit second-third degree murder of their own child by refusing to get them vaccinated.

I swear, it even gets straight up fetishized by both neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals

I don’t want to be infantilized, I don’t want to be viewed as broken. I don’t want my autism to be treated like a gift without pain or some quirky character trait when it’s caused struggles and even physical pain all my life, I don’t want to be treated like it ruined my chance at a future and like I’ll never be anything other than a burden or victim because I’m still happy with the life I have

I want to be treated like a fucking human being

That doesn’t sound like too much of a request, but, apparently, it is

[codecicle]

codecicle you put things on my screen that are so confusing and have no relevance to my interests but its you so i find it so very endearing. keep having so much fun and whimsy on tumblr dot com child :3

you have GOT to get on this horrible TV show dude you don't even understand. it's bad and has 0 redeemable qualities, literally my bread and butter rn. can't get enough of it

[mylittleredgirl]

they recently had us switch to a new organization and calendar system at work (including some new software but mostly “this is how you should organize your entire life and you will know peace and never miss a task again!!”). at least half of the system is just a digital version of what i was already doing, and other parts of it are better, so i have no idea why it took me out at the knees. i had been riding a long sweet wave of low anxiety and now i'm trapped in a byzantine maze of highly doable tasks and shaking like a shelter dog in a crate—the exact opposite of what the system is supposed to do.

and the craziest part is that somehow... i can't seem to go back to my old system anymore either?? it's only been a few weeks! i used that for five years!! it’s like i have forgotten how to do the most basic parts of my job or make decisions. my brain turned into a stack of marbles and now they’re all over the floor.

like damn, apparently those crayola markers and glitter stickers were a load-bearing structural element of my professional competence. how do i explain that to regular people.

[sobredunia]

Do I really have to make myself breaking-down-sobbing miserable over not doing something every single time I am not perfectly productive for you to believe that I have a disability that disables me from being perfectly productive

[thatswhatsushesaid]

well i'm glad i checked doesthedogdie.com before continuing to watch kaos because if i had to watch what happens to dennis the kitten actually transpire on screen (and what dionysus experiences afterwards), i think i'd be straight up non-functional today

fair warning that i will probably end up discussing specifics in the notes, so be careful if you decide to read them.

[applescabs]

happy birthday to me i celebrated by looking at my favourite sequence of images in the world and crying over it at half past midnight.

[lindwurmkai]

Just saw a comment along the lines of "weird how all those people identified as DID systems for a while and then suddenly never mentioned it again" so uh

Funny story. I don't know what happened but what it felt like from my end was that my system kind of unexpectedly fused (as in most or all system members became one person), I was fine with it and getting used to being Just Me for over a year, and then most recently I started experiencing symptoms of dissociation again (emotional amnesia mostly) and now everything is in shambles 👍

If anyone has moused over my username lately or visited my blog on mobile, now you know what that was/is all about. I don't understand what's going on yet so I can't tell you if I'm about to start referring to myself as plural again but what I can tell you is that I didn't make that up and get tired of my lies or anything, it was just not relevant for over a year 😎✌️