#Disabled Homemaker

[kryptidkhaos]

I'm a disabled trans guy who is unemployed, and I don't bring any income to my household. I love to cook, clean, organize, manage calendars, appointments, etc. so in my polycule, that's the role I fill.

I'm a homemaker and very proud of it, but I wish I could say that with more frequency without constantly having people roll their eyes or interrogating me about my personal life.

"How can you be too disabled to work a job, but not to take care of your household? Don't the other people in your family do any housework? Are you being taken advantage of? Have you ever had a job? Can't you work part time? Why aren't you on disability? Have you tried a work from home job?"

I've been trying to find more support and community for people like me, but the sheer wall of red usernames that appear when I dip into any kind of "homemaker", "housekeeping", "domestic labor", type of tag is absolutely terrifying. It's either tradwives or radfems, with no in-between. "stay at home dad" tags are basically empty, and i don't even have a kid living at home with me anymore to bond with other parents anyway.

[sagescented]

@autisticslp asked (on the old blog):

So a lot of cooking advice that people tend to give that seems very basic honestly comes from decades of experience; there's a post that floats around Tumblr sometimes, actually, that talks about how a lot of "cooking from intuition" isn't actually intuition at all. It's deeply ingrained memorization about the "laws of cooking" that we've learned over time, that feel like second nature to us to the point where we no longer have to think about it or physically reference recipes or tutorials anymore.

In essence: We're good at "taking what we have on hand and making a meal of it" because we have a lot of practice! We've built up a skill! A skill you're lacking in. And that's not a bad thing! But it also means that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself because you don't know or can't seem to grasp this stuff that seems so "second nature" or "easy" to a lot of the cooks you know. You're still really new at this! And with various disabilities and mental illnesses, cognitive issues, etc? Of course you're going to struggle harder at it than "most" seem to, to you!

As a secondary aside to that, you mentioned growing up on a farm. But farming and gardening, and the various forms of food preservation that frequently comes alongside small family subsistence farms, is a very different skill set! Knowing what's seasonal in your garden doesn't necessarily inherently translate into cooking it, and building a full meal up from scratch unless you also had someone who had that skill as well to teach you that.

I know my Husband's mom sure as hell didn't. He grew up on a farm like that, and she could can all day ... But Lord. She couldn't cook to save her life. She attempted to impart neither of these skills to my Husband, either ... I grew up on one, as well. But where my mom couldn't can or garden to save her life, she was a damned good cook and imparted those skills to me. Now I'm passing them on to my Husband decades later, because his mother failed to.

What you're ultimately missing is a fundamental set of basic skills, and a knowledge set built up over time and practice. And the good news is, those are really simple skills to learn. The bad news is, it does take a while to learn them and to build up that pool of knowledge. Most of it's experimentation, though, and not a lot of it's super difficult.

For basic knowledge of cooking science and spices, I'd recommend The Science of Cooking and The Science of Spice- both by Dr. Stuart Farrimond. I own both and love them dearly. They'll debunk some common myths, and give you a basic understanding of certain food sciences that are honestly really helpful.

When you feel like you're ready to actually sit down and experiment with spices, I love The Encyclopedia of Spices and Herbs: An Essential Guide to the Flavors of the World by Padma Lakshmi. It has information on various spices, tells you their cultural contexts, mentions what they're usually used on in those contexts (vegetables, which meats, etc), and even gives you some common cultural spice blends (though doesn't provide measurements). It's a thick boy, but it's a really fun one to work through if you have no introduction to spices or idea how to use them.

Past that, something you need to build yourself is a well stocked pantry with staple basics. I can't tell you what those are for you. That's something you have to figure out for yourself based on what you cook, how often, etc. But my minimum has always been at least 2 months worth of food in my pantry at any given time, across a broad enough spectrum that I can pick just about anything out of a recipe and only really need to shop for the fresh or immediate-need ingredients each week.

Staple Grains like Rice, Lentils, Cous Cous, and Quinoa.

Pasta Noodles of various types- like Elbow, Rigatoni, Bowtie, Penne, Fettuccini, and Spaghetti

Potatoes in the form of Mashed Potatoes and Scalloped Potatoes both, as well as a "fresh" bag each of Russet, Yellow, and Red Potatoes

Onions. I keep a mesh bag each of Red and Yellow (or White; whichever's cheapest at the time I'm shopping) on hand at all times.

Boxes of Stock (Chicken, Beef, Vegetable, and Protein Broth when I can find it)

Canned items that I use a lot of, like Diced Tomatoes, Tomato Sauce, Tomato Paste, every kind of Bean (Cannellini, Great Northern, Dark Red, Light red, Black, Pinto, etc), and Chickpeas; plus canned fish (Tuna and Salmon, Sardines, etc)

Condensed Creams Of (Chicken and Mushroom are the two we use most often)

Spices. Of every kind. You literally do not want to see my spice box. It's insane. Yes I'm proud of it. But it would make the average person cry with confusion and fear.

Frozen Veggies in the freezer (Green Beans, Brussel Sprouts, Broccoli, Carrots, Squashes, etc; personally I prefer the frozen to the canned)

I'm sure there's stuff I'm forgetting. But ultimately when you have a full pantry and only have to buy your fresh or immediate-need ingredients? It not only massively saves your grocery bill each week, but it also makes it so much easier to "make things with what you have on hand". Because a large part of the trick is, honestly, having things on hand to make stuff with in the first place. And that's really the big secret that goes unspoken in a lot of circles. But it really shouldn't be an unspoken secret, because it holds so many people back.

Another secret is just knowing basic cooking methods. What is chopping vs dicing? How do you pan fry? What's a dry fry vs a wet fry? What about baking? Broiling? Boiling? What happens if you stew an ingredient instead? How big does it have to be for each of these methods? How does it perform with rice as opposed to cous cous? How is it raw- if it can be eaten raw? Other than that, just knowing recipes is really going to be the big key.

Unfortunately I don't have a recommend for learning any of these ones, since I learned all this the hard way. I do see some cook books that could be useful (like Veg-table: Recipes, Techniques, and Plant Science for Big-Flavored Vegetable-Focused Meals by Nik Sharma; or Vegetables: The Ultimate Cookbook Featuring 300+ Delicious Plant-Based Recipes by Laura Sorkin). I can't personally recommend them, however, because I've never read or used them. But there's a lot of information out there on youtube that can be very helpful, especially for methodology since it's a visual medium- which is, I think, the best way to learn some of these skills in particular.

Personally, I did the recipe thing by looking at cuisines from regions where those foods or ingredients were really popular. So take your Eggplant for example. Eggplants feature a lot in Mediterranean, Levantine, and Middle Eastern cuisines. So when you want to learn how to use Eggplant and build up your knowledge about it? Looking at the people in those regions who use this ingredient a lot already is going to be really helpful to you. They know what they're doing with it!

When you've made those dishes a few times, you're going to get an understanding not only of how to prepare Eggplant for various methods of cooking, and how to cook it for those methods. But you're also going to get an understanding of what flavors pair well with it. And after a while of doing that, you're naturally going to start thinking "what if I do x instead?" and start experimenting on your own. Play with them. Get to know the ingredient on the most foundational level. And yeah, throw some herbs on it if you're comfortable! See what meshes with what flavors. What do you like? And yeah, some of those are going to be flops. But by the time you start thinking "what if" your skills are usually further progressed than you'd think to give yourself credit for. Just ask my Husband, ha!

As for the stuff regarding disability, mental illness, and cognitive function, I gotchu, babe! One of the most distressing things for me when I became disabled, started suffering really bad from cognitive decline, and started dealing with memory loss, was looking at the potential of never being able to cook for myself again. And that scared the piss out of me, because cooking is my joy. And so my Husband and I sat down and prioritized cooking and making it disability friendly for me. Here's some of the stuff we did.

First step: Get your butt a stool that's a comfortable height for your counter height. Once acquired, sit as much as you can in the kitchen. It conserves energy and lets you use more of it to focus your head.

Second: Get yourself all those fun little gadgets you think look interesting or helpful. Personally I have a fruit slicer (that works on more than just apples), a slap chopper microplane thingy, and a few others. Mostly I got these because occasionally my body loses my hands and has no idea where they went and it's safer for me. But I can't tell you how nice they are even when my body knows where my hands are, ha; they speed up prep, keep your fingers safe (usually), and leave more room for the brain to do its thing.

Third: Make as many lists as you can! I have a list on the inside of all my pantry doors of the staples that are in that section. When something needs refilling it allows me to put a mark there so I know to put it on the grocery list. But it also provides a quick reference when my brain's tired; it's so much easier for me to read a list than try and decipher box labels with various colors, font sizes, etc. Make lists wherever you need them and always keep them accessible.

Fourth: The recipe box. Yes. A good, old fashioned, classic recipe box. I have mine filled with tried and true recipes that I know for a fact my Husband and I love, that I know we have at least 90% of the ingredients on hand for at any given moment. So if all else fails and I can't think of anything? I can just go pull something out of the box and have him jot down to the store for anything we don't have.

Fifth: Keep easy meals on stock, because some days you really can't cook. Your brain won't let you, and that's ok! That's fine! But you still gotta eat, right? So we keep stuff like bagged Blackened Chicken Alfredo, Dirty Rice, Mongolian Beef, Jambalaya, Broccoli Beef, Red Beans & Rice, etc, on hand in the outdoor fridge. If at any point I just can't do it? We grab some of those instead.

And the good news is, you can spruce up a quick meal! Making Dirty Rice? Throw in some bread and butter, and a side of boiled Green Beans from the garden. Blackened Chicken Alfredo? Throw some Bell Pepper on in there; you can bulk this stuff up easily with your produce, and it takes even less effort most of the time.

As for the Covid sense of taste / smell? Keep trucking. It does get better; I suffered bad from Post-Covid Parosmia for nearly 2 years after I caught Covid the first time- bad enough to the point I couldn't bathe myself because of the smell of our water being nauseating to me; couldn't eat anything with Corn, or Wheat, or Onion, or Garlic in it for a year, either. the second I tried, my body auto rejected it. Bananas tastes like Iris flowers smelt ... I feel your pain so hard.

But it does get better. Your system is just rewiring itself completely from scratch right now. And Lord, it's so unpleasant. But the more you give it to taste, and smell, the better it does and the faster it rewires itself. Don't force yourself to eat things that are nauseating or unpleasant. But do branch out. Experiment. Even if it tastes left of how you remember it, keep going! I can't promise you'll get everything back (Lord knows there's still some things that aren't quite right for me, even 4 years later now). But it gets better!

I hope any of this helps- even if it's not as helpful if you'd like it to be. Hang in there, love.

My ask box is always open and Anon is currently ON.

[vampireknitting]

I feel so silly. I’ve dealt with a ton of doctors and meds over the years. But being diagnosed with ADHD and being put on a mental health medication is different. The whole process has been different. The whole process has been jarring for me. I’ve spent so long picking which health issues are worth talking about because of how quickly I’ve been written off. The smallest expression of anxiety has gotten me into weird spots where I must be faking or desperate for attention. It’s almost too alien having them listen to me and not bitch at me.

[crazycatsiren]

Reasons I'm basically a cat:

I hate getting wet

I don't enjoy showers or baths

I'm a picky eater

I sleep a lot

I want affections on my own terms

If I say "don't touch me", don't, or I start scratching and biting

When I get the zoomies it's at night

Loud noises bother me

My behaviors are often misinterpreted

[myhappyhomeoflove]

I made sourdough again today

[thaiteaprincess]

10/17/24

Gluten free Gingerbread doughnuts 🍩

I tried making my South African yellow rice recipe with brown rice and not basmati and it was a disaster. Crunchy rice 🤢 I cooked it for a crazy amount of time and still it’s crunchy.

I’m currently dying because I also just did some dishes. They were driving me crazy! We had no counter space and it made me feel claustrophobic.

My flu shot hasn’t knocked me out yet. I had a small fainting spell about an hour after but then I was fine.

I am sweating and need to sit in front of a fan 🥵

It’s my hair wash day but I need to rest before I can even think about showering

[samwisethewitch]

*takes your face gently in my hands and looks sincerely into your eyes* listen. your home does not need to look like a showroom. homes are meant to be lived in, and that means a certain amount of mess. it's okay if there is clutter on your desk or if you don't remember the last time you cleaned your oven. mess is morally neutral. but at the same time, you deserve to live in an environment that is safe and comfortable, and that means someone has to clean sometimes. things like mold, spoiled food, and dirty litter boxes are genuine health hazards and need to be dealt with before they make someone sick. think of cleaning less as "my home needs to be completely spotless" and more as "I am an animal and I need a habitat that is free of hazardous material." it's okay. *kisses you on the forehead and tucks you into a blanket*

(and of course it is always acceptable and even good for you to ask someone else to help you with cleaning if it's physically or mentally difficult for you. even if you're paying them to do it.)

[vampireknitting]

Does that mean i count as disabled because I don't work?

You’re not disabled. You can’t be disabled and a medical professional. You have limitations but you’re not disabled. Please stop diluting the term.

Sir, I am missing chromosomes

[the-salty-avocado]

So I have one of these electric scrubbers and I wanted to share that they exist. They are great for POTS or other chronic illnesses/pain. You can scrub with no effort from you. Plus the long handle means no bending.

I personally clean my shower/tub by sitting on the toilet next to it and using one of these on the long pole. It’s effortless.

[lunarharp]

being attached to that moment qifrey held a baby one time and my ideas for the future :)

[sagescented]

I miss when it was just me cooking for the household. I am not enjoying sharing the kitchen with people again; there are far too many cooks in the kitchen, now- and honestly if at least one of them doesn't get his hands out of my kitchen, I might heartily consider committing murder.

ETA: I do not mean people being in the kitchen with me when I am actively cooking.

For those who've been around for a while, you'll remember the issues I kept having when my Mother in Law was still alive, and my Brother in Law was living with us last time, where we were all cooking our own meals. And how none of them could keep any kind of coherency in the kitchen.

They would never put things in the right spots. Things would always get moved around. Stuff kept randomly disappearing right when I happened to need them. No one would clean up their messes they made, and so I'd always wind up having to spend all of my energy deep cleaning the kitchen every day before I could even cook, which meant I never had any energy leftover for cooking ...

Yeah, we're back to that kind of nonsense in the kitchen again after almost a year of everything going absolutely amazing because I was the only one cooking for the entire house, and my Husband was the only one cleaning up. And I might murder someone over it.

[vampireknitting]

Instead of tanning or burning, my feet got hives where the sun touched me. I wore my flip flops on the wonderings I’ve done with my friend this past week. Covered myself for the most part because sunscreen doesn’t stop the hives. Just makes me orange with hives.

[crazycatsiren]

I may be a slow walker but I can empty a dishwasher within one Taylor Swift song.

[myhappyhomeoflove]

This one is so much better!! It tastes yummy, it's got a nice crunchy crust, and it's gotta nice crumb to it. It looks nicer too

[melisssg99]

Today I went to the hospital to finally get an official diagnosis for my fibromyalgia. (I apparently didn't get an 'official' diagnosis before)(long story)

Basically I was told that of all tests I score higher than whats required for it to be recognised as fibromyalgia.

So I guess I might have fibromyalgia+deluxe edition😆

Had some blood drawn to make sure that it's "just" fibro and not maybe something different or more that might be causing all my symptoms.

Next week I'll visit again and hear the results and what our next steps will be.

I feel so lucky.

My doctor really seemed to get me and was so nice to me.

She was very clear and helpful.

It's good to feel understood and not feel like my pain is not taken seriously and that I have to "proof" myself.

[citronavalkiro]

So I am a homemaker mostly because I can’t work a full time job due to my disabilities which I collect SSDI for. I see a lot of these posts about tradwives and housewives being domestic goddesses while my own house is a mess because it is difficult keeping up with housework. My first year of not working I tried to do the whole tradwife thing and do whatever I could to make my husband happy but I found after a while I couldn’t keep that act anymore because I was ignoring my own needs and not speaking up when I needed help. It’s great if you want to be a housewife or SAHM but it is important to still practice self care and not ignore your own mental health in favor of your husband and kids because failing to do so is not sustainable. It was so liberating when I allowed myself to ask for help when I realized I wouldn’t be a nag. I think it is something to keep in mind as a homemaker that self care is important and doesn’t make you bad or lazy. After all most of those ads from the 50s we like to emulate only represent a very idealized life of that time. Most husbands at that time were still dealing with a lot of trauma from WWII after all. I still love being a homemaker even if I don’t quite fit that mold but that is okay.