#Did I move funny in my sleep????????
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oh boy my knee is starting to bother me again for some reason. As in, it feels loose and it cracks uncomfortably when I extend it a bit too much. Time to dig up my knee brace once again ig
#GIRL WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS#I don't skip leg day and there's also steps in the house so it's not a lack of That either and it also hadn't bothered me in like. 6 years??#What changed#What Happened#Did I move funny in my sleep????????#It's been like this for the past week I'm losing my mind#Luke rants#not even in my mid 20s yet and my joints already hate my guts this is so sad
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Questions post-release of The Edge of Sleep
Is the dog okay? Did the dog also get possessed? Or are dogs exempt from sleep death and brain branding? The dog was in their cage for quite some hours, which may imply that dogs and potentially even other animals are immune to the beast.
Are possessed folks unable to die from blood loss or drowning so long as they have the mark of the beast?
Who else thinks the doctor isn’t actually dead (there were other doctors at the facility) and was suspiciously on-board with everything happening to Dave?
Is the doctor actually a host for the elephant (alternately just being influenced by it)? Yes, this is partially because his distorted voice in the sleep tube sounds the same as the beast, but the depictions of the beast in peoples dreams does get explained later as being different for everyone (probably based on environment).
Why was he trying to put the moves on Dave’s mom? Probably part of a manipulation tactic or he’s just weird and I’m overthinking his role in this.
What if this is all a dream and Dave is just stuck in one of those sleep pods still? We have yet to see a flashback where he’s a teenager of any sort which gives us a huge missing gap in his memories.
Another question relating to the previous ones is why did Dave see Matteo(?) and Katie(? or is that Linda?) in the sleep pod dream world place very briefly in the the trailer? EDIT: Okay so whoever that is next to Katie/Linda in the cut footage seems to be someone else who would succumb to or almost drink the beast juice (sorry, I didn't know what else to call it).
Are their IRL selves in on it? (this seems silly in hindsight, but I'm not deleting it)
ACTUALLY YEAH JUST IGNORE THESE TWO PREVIOUS ONES ONES, THIS WAS CUT TRAILER FOOTAGE, I WAS TIRED.
Is Dave in a coma and all of this has been one big dream fantasy he’s been in for a long time? If so, how long?
Much like the question of “is the dog important,” is the doctor’s memories when he was talking about his trauma important? Will that come up later given the talk of a season 2 for the original podcast?
Does the Elephant’s host bodies feel pain or is it zombie rules and they’re basically just drones that’ll keep going as long as they have some means to move around?
Do y’all think we’ll get a season 2? The series is pretty good as a stand alone thing imo that kinda lets you fill in the blanks, but I personally would like to see more in some capacity.
What did the dream people mean by “power?” Is Dave capable of the occult?
Does the Beast have access to its host bodies memories and motor skills? We see Katie’s body walking through the water. Could the beast hypothetically fly a plane if it got the right host body to do so? Could it control an entire military fleet?
What is the doctor’s connection to the supernatural happenings of this reality?
Was Markiplier the voice of the blue Modafalyst pill and the voice over of the ad that was playing on the TV in the hospital?
Was the doctor trying to get his loved ones back through the sleep pods like how Dave got that pen into reality from his dream?
How come all of the surviving main cast has had some sort of government or implied government-related job position? Was that intentional?
Each of the surviving main cast also has a double letter placement in their names too, intentional perhaps? This one is probably a reach, but I thought it was interesting!
Why did only one guy foam at the mouth when he "died?"
Why is there a difference between the pill colors in the trailer and in the final release of the show? We're the colors going to be swapped initially? Is it or was it maybe supposed to be a Matrix reference?
Also did Dave's mom seem a little too okay with what was going on at times? Does that have to do with the doctor trying to put the charm on her? Although having someone finally listen to your child's issues and have a clue about what's going on would put you in a vulnerable position, also single mom seemingly.
Who did Dr. Luis Castaneda lose and why did a dream person show up? Was that someone who left him to go live on Aristera for one purpose or another?
How many hours was Dave awake in total? So far 87 seems to be a close enough guess, somewhere in that area.
How are the dream people able to teleport into Mark's dream? How is the beast able to get into anyone's dream now that I think about it.
#this is a very unorganized list of a bunch of questions I have following the end of season 1#it's kinda funny that they used a pic from in space with markiplier for mark lol#its interesting that the trailer actually has at least two unused shots btw; the one with Matteo and Katie seemingly eating something#and the one with the possessed body moving around inside the bag in the hospital hallway#the cut footage seems to be of Linda or Katie almost giving into the beast controlling them along with Matteo but I could be wrong#was so tired i mistook trailer footage as actual footage that's my bad#rewatching this to grab screenshots tells me that Dr. Luis Castaneda is absolutely important to the story here but idk why yet#anyway enjoy my tired questions and ramblings; I know cut content doesn't necessarily count as canon; Katie's scene was foreshadowing#anyway go watch edge of sleep on amazon prime I stayed up way too late finding screenshots and things for this#how did dave see Katie's demise before it happened? that's also kinda weird; future vision?#mine#op#the edge of sleep#teos#teos spoilers#cw blood#cw gore#tw body horror#cw organs
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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Have you ever looked at the list of autism traits and very confidently said well I don't have that one only to notice years later you are doing the fun leg movements from a show you just watched in your kitchen at six in the morning and you suddenly Get what they meant by copying body movements and stuff and surprise you've been doing it all that time actually and now you are Aware of it so your body feels weird but you also still want to do it so your brain just bluescreens. or is that too specific.
#I knew about speech sure. I was so confident about the movements one. yeah no they just DONT GIVE FUCKING CLARIFICATIONS THAT MAKE SENSE#the fucking. is your movement coordination weird thing that I also went no ^_^ to#only to realize also a few years later that's the thing when I hit wall corners and cupboard doors in a house I lived in all my life#and why I miss pots and pans and pour water onto myself. occasionally. I don't know what the standard amount of thaat would be.#and also trip whity nothing in the way. flat surface. flat as hell. I'm pretty sure I do that a bit more than average.#why the fuck does it always correct to thaat that shit pisses me off#whatever whatever#need to go sleep but arcane is treating me well so far if you're wondering the way jinx moves scratches my brain just right#evidently.#faksyan talks#god I used to imitate the way girls walk in the fucking winx movies it's so stupid that's an unlocked memory.#I don't even remember liking that show that much but apparently I did to an extent that my mom had to throw out the disk#and lie that we lost it cause I wouldn't stop watching it which is funny as hell#can't tell you a single thing that happened in this show like not one#I should sleep I ramble too much when I don't#not diagnosed and likely never getting for country reasons but you know. there are signs.
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okay before turning on the queue and logging off let me just say however bad the ending is i had so much fun the last 4 years and it was so cool to see a story develop so much (even badly) and to read it weekly and to meet people online and irl who also read it and talk to them about it ahhhhhh i am getting sentimental
#most importantly it gave me a reason to call my sister who was struggling with depression evey sunday when i was living at the#other end of the country and we would read the chapter together and discuss it#and i could always find a funny meme or a cool fanart during the week and send it to her#now she is an adult and moved out and off her meds and in school for a job she has already proven to love and excell in and we will read#the final chapter together in person this weekend so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy thank you gege#also we did get one megan thee stallion song out of it that will always be equal parts cringe and iconic#wait maybe i will put all the jjk posts in the queue at the front before going to sleep this can be a jjk q ...
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The sheer desperation and frenzied manner that I keep telling myself “just one more week just one more week just one more week” to keep from snapping and going fucking insane is honestly getting concerning
#I think I’m just at my limit#in a lot of ways but mostly in the fact that I have literally been unable to exist#by myself somewhere peaceful and quiet in MONTHS now#like because she isn’t work she is ALWAYS home so I can’t even get a couple hours to myself every now and then#I wake up in the morning and she’s up stomping around and banging cabinet doors open and closed#and watching videos on her phone at such a loud volume I can hear it across the apartment with my door closed#I come home from work. same thing#I go to bed at night. same thing#does she ever FUCKING SLEEP????#like I’m sorry maybe it’s the autism and it wouldn’t bother most ppl as badly#but if I don’t get some actual genuinely quiet time to myself where I don’t have to hear/deal with another person#I feel like I’m gonna explode into shrapnel#also I’m not exaggerating I hear literally every step she takes because she stomps around#I feel so bad for the ppl who live before us#it just ties back to her being completely situationally unaware and inconsiderate of literally everyone else#like girl you try to be quiet for the sake of other ppl and the fact that you never learned this is astounding#also I’m so goddamn fucking sick of her cat it’s like he knows we’re leaving so he’s being as god awful as possible#he has ripped apart a lot of the boxes I’ve gotten for moving#and has been antagonizing my cat even MORE often and then morning she has scratches on her face from him 🙃#and yes this is while my roommate was out sitting on the couch and did fuck all to get him to stop#because she still thinks it’s funny and my cat is ‘just a bitchy girl who’s playing hard to get’#I need it to be the first so bad so so so so fucking bad GET ME OUT OF HEREEEEEEE#kaz rambles
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i always have to have something wrong with me at all times and there are always about fifteen different factors that could have caused that Something Wrong With Me so i can never fix it
#fearandhatred#for a long while i got sick really easily and i would wake up with colds that would last the whole day (and only a day)#and i could not figure out why#like did i not drink enough water? exercise? did i sleep late? period? etc.#and for the longest time i didn't know what it was until i discovered MOLD IN MY ROOM#and even then my dad kept guilt tripping me saying it was because i never drink enough water#even though i do. and even though my symptoms became itchy throat and ears on top of my colds#and then my mom made me move to my brother's room and all my problems cleared immediately lol. after months or maybe years#see what happens when you listen to your child#wait i went on a tangent but basically now my jaw hurts. like one side is tight#and idk if it's because i'm stressed or i grind my teeth in my sleep or i have a tooth decay or because i keep not wearing my retainers#anyway i always have to have something wrong with me which is funny because if i'm not sick then some part of my mouth hurts#or i accidentally injure myself#or one part of my body aches for no reason#or i'm on my period#genuinely cannot catch a break from this SHIT like bro i'm too young for this#anyway. peace and love
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The fact that this is a real line Bronwen says in the TFP fic, when right before Starscream is having a takeover monologue with some confused simping for her sprinkled in, has me rolling on the floor.
#from daydreams to text#romantic; amaryllis and energon#I need to update those tfp ship tags they're old af#BUT LIKE;;;; THE WAY HE;'S LIKE ''SHE NEEDS A PROPER SHOULDER TO CRY ON MEGATRON WHEN YOU DIE HAHAHA''#TO HER GOING ''this is fucking stupid bae'' B VDFJHBVFJBHDVBJDVFBHJ#this fic has no right to be so funny#It's honestly dumb how happy it makes me but I am here anyway vjhbbhdfvjbdv#there is so many moving parts in this it's WACK#but it's also very intriguing to me#because yeah Bronwen's got key knowledge and is now armed with future sight by now [prophetic dreams]#but also like... she is clearly a deeply flawed person#like she's loving and kind yeah- and headstrong in the face of fear#but also she's haunted by her past. She dislikes herself. She doesn't see herself as worthy or desirable#and she puts the blame of things on herself even when it's not her fault#like yeah she's the centre of a lot in the fic#and back in the day peeps would be like mArY sUe WAAAA#but even looking at this now [pre-continuation even] she is still clearly... a person#and she still can't comprehend the bots or cons just... liking her. as herself#she is so riddled with doubt and puts SO much pressure on herself#all to make sure time goes as it's supposed to#and blames herself if anyone gets hurt#i mean fuck she literally gets PROPHECY DREAMS and she still doubts her choices and moves#like stuff is going as it should. but Megs isn't up yet so she's still panicked#to the point of not sleeping at all#there's so much man I could go on a rant about this T_T baby me you did so good wtf#I hope me continuing is doing her justice because my god
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Yknow before i fell asleep i wanted to post like “im gonna take a nap i hope i dream about testament” and well i wish i did post that because “they gave me sleep paralysis” wouldve been a really funny followup. Unfortunately we just have to imagine it.
#my sleep paralysis is so weird… not bad… just weird#whenever it happens i feel like im triggering it and making it worse on purpose?? like i will focus on the thing thats. causing the feeling#and im usually aware of it#okay no thats not the paralysis part its proceeded by like. a dream or a train of thought while im asleep#and if i focus on it i hear this loud staticky kind of noise that gets louder the more i focus on it#then i wake up and i cant move for a couple seconds. just gotta flex your hands it works eventually#DOES THIS MAKE SENSE!!!! i dont know im not real yet.#its whatever. disorienting but like kind of funny. for reasons#and yeah im not kidding testament did trigger it this time.#the kat goes meow
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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last night i was on my phone and i fell asleep for a second and i literally woke up because i started hallucinating miku's voice
#maybe she just wanted me to put my phone down on my nightstand#so it wouldnt fall off my bed in the middle of the night and scare the shit out of me#guys im literally always hearing things that arent there its so funny#once i played splatoon for like five hours straight and i went to use the bathroom or something#and i hallucinated the splat bomb being thrown sound effect#i literally flinched so hard my first instinct was literally that if i did not move i was going to get splatted. literally What#once after i had also been playing legends arceus for a long time when i tried to sleep i started hearing the arceus nighttime song
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I was literally drawing dogs before this tornado warning the universe simply does not want me to draw!!!!!!
#scream.#i hate storms btw im like an anxious dog#im terrified of thunder#luckily its not super loud yet but when it is. i Will cry#trying to find distractions bc i cant sleep but i dont have anything else to do#sigh!#i was drawing a yorkie because someone requested one over on my art blog#i was just getting the pose down#unsure of how im going to get the hair flow right#but yk#also im a known colorado hater im moving in a year and it cant come soon enough lol#colorado just kind of sucks why do people keep moving here#i mean im not complaining. they should continue to leave [state im moving to] and come here 🙂#also those 'native' stickers are sooo embarrassing but i did see a guy today with an 'invasive' sticker which was funny
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LMAOOOOOOOOOO
#i did have a breakdown about this at a sushi restaurant but i was high and had just gotten the order for the ultrasound to check if i had#a thyroid problem? idr exactly what but it was for my neck and while sitting there talking and eat there was a lull in conversation and i#crashed out. the panic was real lol#anyways i realized i can’t talk to ppl about my problems they are not problems solvers#or have an solutions. like the height of my panic attack i don’t need to be told im not gonna die like give me some ice and some tissues#i can calm myself down i just can’t verbally ask things since im panicking#anyways i think that’s super funny because ppl were having dinner but ignoring me and the waiter was like um more food? here’s extra napkins#but oh suddenly you can’t smoke because of one panic attack like okay you be told that you might have an expensive life threatening disease#days maybe weeks after experiencing your 3rd-5th car accident while being in the process of moving out and having been in constant pain#and it was the peak of your sleep deprivation#oh and close to your birthday which you already don’t like and have unresolved issues with summer i was bond to freak out#but yeah i’m the problem because ‘you aren’t put in situations you just let them happen’ or something like that like no these things quite#literally happened to me i had no control over it i could not stop it no matter how much i wanted it to not happen
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Something profoundly funny about getting snap memories where I adore and dote on my candle tattoo when I look back on it today as one of my worst decisions
#sorry stevie its not personal 😭#just the association of it with self harm bc that is what it was all about to me is terrible#and the fact that its lopsided and the flame is faded so it doesnt even look very good just makes it worse#like it just reminds me of how much i disrespected myself at 16 and 17#i had no love for me at all and at the time i was so happy to rub it in and leave irreversible reminders of my self hatred#and now i dont feel that way but i know that little girl is tucked away inside of me. my little eraserhead baby that sleeps deep in my heart#and i know that all it took to bring that out of me was one really nasty fight with my mom#so even though i've grown a lot around her i dont think she is gone and i dont think she ever will be#like diane in her final episode monologue#i feel her and im not mad at her but i dont recognize myself in her. and i know she would not recognize herself in me#i was so full of pain and anger and i wanted it to last Forever. i never wanted to heal and move on#and be happy. because i felt like if i was then when things fell apart i would feel so betrayed and scorned just like i did when i was 16#and now i dont feel that way but i cant take anything i did back then back. and thats really sad to me now#but i see the snap memories and i see this tattoo and i see the scars and i know that i wanted this extended release pain for myself#i wanted to never be able to let it go and now i cant. and i dont feel happy about it and im not supposed to#and as humbling as it is to remember how ugly and violent and vindictive i can be... its very hard#im sorry that i can be that way because i dont admire any of those qualities in myself at all#omg i cant believe i started this post off with this is so funny im literally crying rn actually thinking about it#i did chuckle when i saw the memory but its not so funny to reflect on
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choked so hard swallowing my drink down the wrong way that I almost puked and I'm still kinda nauseous hours later, so lol. also, friend (the mutual work friend of me and my man that actually hangs out with him outside of work) witnessed and started saying something about how some people choke on things like that bad enough that it kinda spooks them from drinking and they get dehydrated out of paranoia (no idea if that's true, sounds fake but whatever, he's one of those people yk?) and my dumb ass, full of autism and pure thoughts only, said "damn, if that were a problem I wouldn't be able to put nothing in my mouth, my gag reflex is shit 😞😞" which has probably made it's way to my man. because I'm stupid and was really woozy from coughing til I almost vomited and totally didn't think of what I was saying.
#doesnt help that a few days ago we were all hanging out smoking#and i dont get high easy with others evidently but they all have MAJOR tolerance and experience and im baby#so i feel pretty mellow and dazed pretty quick when we do anything despite them all feeling almost nothing#(even though my man is very quick to tell me when something isnt even strong so idk what everyone else ive smoked with is smoking)#(because i hardly get the slightest bit chill from it any time i smoke with anyone else usually)#(but i digress)#and so i was higher than i mayhaps should have been from what i had because again hella baby#but i heard friend say *SOMETHING* that 100% had my name and i think had the word “head” in it#in like a whisper to my man who was sitting on the couch between us#and i was like “okay im feeling kinda dazed and shit and i have hearing issues and hes very much talking so i cant hear--”#“--so i shouldnt make assumptions on what he said because im probably REALLY mishearing what i did hear lol”#but then my man kinda glanced at me and made a noise (an almost laugh??) and said “nah not yet” quiet but not as much as a whisper as friend#so i do lowk wonder if i heard right lol#and if i did thats a whole other story#because pooki cmon#babygirl get real#i sleep over there not infrequently and we cuddle hella intertwined and kiss and all#ive told him that im stupid as fuck and have anxiety so i need things EXTRA communicated with me#ive hinted at kink#ive told him that i trust him fully not to force me to do anything that i dont wanna do and that as long as hell take no for an answer--#--id have no issue with him telling me what to do more often because i again trust him and would say no if i really didnt want to#(in nonsexual situations like him asking if i wanted to go run an errend with him or wait for him at his place and such)#that i was hoping hed be more confident in making a move by now#but im acespec and in zero rush because sex is take it or leave it to me#id do it for him and i really do want to but its so not a need or even much of a craving#but i might bring it up eventually if he doesnt because he is so sweet and cute and i think he just doesnt wanna assume#because he had to be told that its okay to kiss me and that he can and should talk to me at work like a normal person#so i deadass think he just doesnt want to force me into anything but is also bad at communicating so he doesnt really ask either#its just funny that i think they were talking about me giving head a few days ago and i choked and said something stupid today tho#whores lovesick musings
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