#trying to find distractions bc i cant sleep but i dont have anything else to do

[bas-rouge]

I was literally drawing dogs before this tornado warning the universe simply does not want me to draw!!!!!!

[phagodyke]

didnt think it was actually physically possible to experience worse period cramps than I was already getting every month but being back on the pill again has proven me wrong 🫠🫠🫠🫠

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh Part 4

a/n: I LIVE FOR THESE MANAGER SEIJOH ASKS LIKE BLS TAKE OVER MY LIFE

(i originally planned to write the other schools for the manager scenario like theyre already in my drafts with plans and partly written out but like seijoh is my TOP PRIORITY (sorry pls dont hate me) BC THEY ARE MY BOIS)

also, most of my ask box is all for a kyoken ending and kyoken fluff and aoba johsai fluff and im quaking bc this is spurring me to create more aoba johsai imagines and my love for the other schools is just like being overshadowed by our little plant babies :’)

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon request: Im the anon who mentioned the chaos about the dating and can I say I love it!!! 🙏🙏 i kinda have this hc for the boys that they fight whenever they go on bus rides, just because they want yn to sit next to them. But she usually sits next to the calmer members?? The reason the boys fight?? She may or may not have fallen asleep a few times, her head on kyo/iwa shoulder. 🥺🥺

LMAO THAT PART JUST REEKED CHAOTIC ENERGY AND SHE WOULD TOTALLY SIT NEXT TO THEM JUST TO SPITE THE OTHERS AND I LOVE THE IRONY LIKE THE MOST AGGRESSIVE LOOKING ARE THE SOFTEST AND CALMEST TOWARDS HER LIKE PLEASE KYOKEN AND IWA ARE JUST LITTLE SOFT BEANS AND DESERVE THE WORLD

(bruh im so soft for iwa and kyo like my best bois and i must write them out IMMEDIATELY bc theyre so uggghhhhhh!!!!!!!)

MY TWO MEN IN ONE GIF GOD HAS BLESSED ME-

oh dear

bus rides,,,,, yep here we go

the team is usually peaceful and civil w each other (minus iwa literally beating oiks up but thats irrelevant information)

like they dont really have fights or have any arguments bc they meet up every saturday to talk about the week and if anybody had any concerns or anything they were mad about since it was like a family meeting

but boy oh boy

when you entered this family,,, arguments and misunderstandings happened once a week

‘no! y/n-chan said she was going to go shopping with me!’

‘um, she already agreed to go to to the arcade w me’

‘wait, she told me we were going to go visit that cafe!’

yes you agreed to do those things w them but you never assigned a date

your attention was something that these boys were always wanting since they only see you during club hours and practices

their jealousy gets really ugly sometimes and the two first years actually get all smug about it 

‘hm, y/n, we still up for studying later?’

you ruffled his hair and smiled up at him

‘yep! we need to set an alarm though or else i’d end up staying after 1 in the morning again’

‘great. cant wait’

kunimi rarely shows any emotion towards his senpais but they couldnt miss the smug smirk that made oikawa grip the volleyball and mattsun holding him back

god hes such a little shite

everyone knows that the first years have a upperhand than them bc of your same grade so the upperclassmen were much more sensitive to spending time with you outside of practice

and they liked to spend that time wisely

when the time for away games come, you weren’t that worried about it

i mean,, why would you when boarding the bus is going to be so early in the morning at like 4 in the morning and theyd be sleeping the whole time so you get peace and quiet

in fact, you were looking forward!

but nope!

jesus took the wheel and said no

instead, you were watching the team members shouting and yelling at each other at the asscrack of dawn

say sike rn

the 2 coaches were actually not there yet so they werent able to help you and whip the boys to order so here you were, bleary eyed and clearly still tired, sighing and rolling your eyes at the fight

‘SHE SITS WITH ME! IM TEAM CAPTAIN! I GET DIBS!’

‘NO! YOU DROOL ON HER AND MESS UP HER CLOTHES! YOU LIKE MAKKI-SENPAI MORE, RIGHT, Y/N-CHAN?!’

now you might be asking me, ‘author-chan, why are they fighting so hard for something as simple as a bus ride?’

well, my young grasshoppers, this is not just a simple bus ride

you are infamous in the team to be a sleeper

no matter what form of transportation, bus, car, any surface, you found yourself in dream land

yall i wish i was like that

the sleep paralysis demon beside my bed says otherwise

they freak out and fight over even a simple touch of affection from you, do you really think they wouldnt fight tooth and nail to being your pillow and freely watching your adorable sleeping face?

these men are fighting as if they were fighting something serious like a world war

lmao with how intensely theyre fighting, it practically is

but there were two players who actually didnt care either way since they only wanted you to be the most comfortable and they werent exactly the most squishiest members

in fact, they were basically all muscle and probably not the most comfortable

NOPE I BELIEVE THAT IWA IS IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST COMFIEST AND BEST PILLOWS IN THE ENTIRE HAIKYUU UNIVERSE

totally not my bias talking or anything

so it was no surprise when they didnt get themselves involved

iwa was already done w them and goes in the bus because mom deserves a nap

naturally, kyo follows the leader and boards the bus after him, leaving the others to fight it out in the school parking lot

you were happy that they were too distracted that they wouldnt notice you sneaking away into the bus and you were slightly disappointed that out of all the seats, kyo had to sit in the one-seater by the front

so you immediately went over to the other person, who was iwa-san, and he was just settling in, pulling out his teal blanket

you blinked at him when he caught you stare but he gently smiled before opening the blanket

‘i was never a fan of window seats anyways’

you happily bounced over to him and you placed your bag at the overhead compartment bc seijoh is bougee and can afford everything before you climbed over him to the seat next to the window

iwaizumi tried to make you as comfortable as he can so he kept the seat divider thing yanno what im talking about? between you

but his eyes widened when you casually pulled it up and snuggled closer to him

youve done this before so he opened his right arm for you to cuddle closer but he was still surprised 

meanwhile,,,

you just closed your eyes with a smile as you pulled the blanket to your chin and practically glomped yourself to iwa

ugh im so jealous of you!!!!!!!!!!

‘hmmmm, youre so warm iwa-san. youre like,,,,, jacob from twilight’

his eyebrow quirked and he smiled, wrapping his arm around you and tightly holding you close

‘oh? the werewolf?’

he felt your head nod

‘mhm. so warm, and strong, yet so gentle and soft’

by now, both your legs were already swung over his lap and head on his chest as you sat sideways

his fingers traced circles around your middle as his other hand was fiddling with your fingers

‘didnt he like mark a little girl?’

‘iwa-san dont talk about that!’

his laugh grumbled his chest and you giggled, trying to become even closer towards his naturally warm chest and inhale his scent

lavender mixed with peppermint

it was such an odd combination from the people you knew and you were immediately drawn to it

thats why you usually wore his jacket rather than your own

he always gets confused as to where it is but you steal it and watch him look for it

you didnt hear that from me though

it didnt take a long time for you to fall asleep and by the time the 2 coaches finally arrived and yelled at the players, they were already late

‘oikawa, i thought youd handle this properly!’

oiks whimpered from the coach’s scolding but apologized then pushed everyone in

the sight in front of them made them both boil in jealousy and squeal in uwus

you, the softest and sweetest and kindest little flower human being, being cuddled up to iwaizumi, the brute and bara arms and the ultra macho strong man, who had his head on top of you

KYAAAAAAAA

even though they knew you were a heavy sleeper and iwa slept like a rock, they still quieted down and silently walked over to their seats, hissing and shushing at anyone who even made the slightest bit of noise

rustle of the bags?

SSSSHHHHHH

seat creaking as they sit down?

SSSHHHHHHHH

they only let this slide bc your sleeping face was just so cute and they didnt have the heart to wake you up

and also face the wrath of titan iwa and be thrown into the atlantic ocean like oikawa did one time

when you finally arrived at the stadium, they waited for a rough 10 minutes just to figure out how to wake you up

they didnt want to wake up iwa first and have him yell at them but they didnt want to wake you up first either

but kyo didnt understand the dilemma and instead just goes to the back where yall were at and he goes to the seat behind you so he could reach you easily and tickles your cheek

the team is just like 👁️👄👁️

your nose scrunches at this tingling sensation until it continues so you open your eyes and finds kyo just smiling down at you

oiks is literally shaking bc he could see the smallest smile on kyo’s face

‘wake up’

with his gruff voice, it sounded like he was ordering you around but you knew he couldnt help it and blinked tiredly at him, giving him a smile of your own

‘hm, hi kyo-san’

you winced at the sudden appearance of the sunlight and that made you fully wake up before flinched at the eyes of the other players

‘hello, everyone’

you said slowly and you sat up, noticing iwa still sleeping

oiks held his breath bc hes been friends w iwa since he was still a baby and he knows that its like waking up a sleeping dragon

‘wait y/n-chan-’

but you didnt listen and poked his nose

‘iwa-san? iwa-san, we’re here’

you cooed and the poking made his eyes flutter open and with his head still tilted to the side, he swore he saw an angel by the way the sunlight hit the back of your head giving you a smiling angel effect

hm, i could get used to seeing this when i wake up

you grinned and when he finally stretched, you sat up stright, waiting for iwa to get up so you could slide out

but kyo was an impatient little bean and just hoisted you out of there and towards him behind the seat

‘come on. i got your bag’

he mumbled and you nodded, letting him hold your hand

lmao wait i forgot the time this is set

this is set during the 2nd inter-high okay? okay

oiks was still complaining at kyo and iwa hogging you but you didnt listen and continued walking towards the entrance, glancing around at the other teams

as usual, oiks and iwa were walking to the front bc yanno, captain and vice-captain, while you and kyo walked at the back, mainly bc you didnt want any player to stray off like kindaichi did last time and look for him for hours

kyo gripped your hand and you turned your head to look at him to see his eyes glaring at anything

you chuckled which made him look down at you, the glare slowly disappearing

‘hm, kyo-san, you should really invest in contacts. it doesnt matter if wearing glasses makes you feel like a nerd bc you still need it to see’

he scrunched his nose when you scolded him and he was about to retort when him and the team caught the whisperings of the nearby teams

‘oh my god, seijoh and the beautiful manager’

‘how old is she? i hope shes at least a second year’

‘ngh id tap that’

IM BLEEHHHHH

‘is he her boyfriend? if so, the competition isnt that hard then’

kyo growled and was about to lunge at the yellow jacketed boy but you held him back, also worriedly looking at your boys

‘seijoh, down’

you ordered and they shrunk back, opting to just glaring heatedly at the other teams

you could still feel kyo shaking at rage to them sexualizing you but your hands squeezing him and the other hand rubbing his arm helped him control it

‘dont make a scene, kyo-san. its your first competition since your suspension, right? and you love volleyball so please keep it in. i can protect myself’

you whispered but he let go of your hand and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close and continuing to glare at everyone as if he was asserting dominance

‘if they touch you-’

‘ill kick them between the legs, i know. you told me already’

you teased and he hummed in agreement

when they played, they were at ease bc the two coaches were there and they were also protective of you like their own so they wouldnt have to worry about someone to go after you

however,,

as they were warming up for the second game, you had to quickly fill up their water bottles bc they were already tired and dehydrated so you needed to fill them up

and they were all busy and you didnt want to bother them and you were going to be quick anyways so you just took the case of bottles and ran to the nearby water fountain

you were hurriedly filling them up and at your last bottle, you were about to cap it when you felt a presence behind you

he stood close and his arms snaked around your waist but you hurriedly tightened the lid and whacked him at the head with the heavy bottle

you continuously hit him and kicked him between the legs before hitting him again

‘DONT TOUCH ME AGAIN!’

you shouted and iwa and kyo were watching from the end of the hallway, panting from running so fast since they heard your shouts

okay a little flashback,

kyo was watching you from his perepharal vision and when he went up to spike, he took his eyes off of you for ONE DAMN SECOND and you nyoomed out of there

when he didnt see you anywhere, he wildly looked around and this caught the attention of the vice-captain

‘oi! kyotani! whats wrong?’

‘y/n. where is she?’

they took off running and the team was just like what

then they heard shouts and kyo knew it was you

his mad dog senses

hehe get it

he as about to tackle the guy but he saw you beat him with a water bottle and eventually taking another bottle and kicking him and hitting him with the two waters

the player cowered and scrambled to get away bc wow this girl was psycho

um no sir, she was protecting herself from hormonal testosterone filled children like you

‘YEA GO RUNNING! COME TO ME AGAIN AND ILL BEAT YOU UP HARDER! DISGUSTING! TRASH! GROSS! SCUM!’

maybe it was because the last time you were touched without consent was when you got bullied but you were definitely fighting harder and more aggressive at protecting yourself

you turned around and the rage from your eyes disappeared when you saw the two boys there

‘hey iwa-san! kyo-san! sorry, i needed to fill the water bottles!’

you grinned and placed the bottles back to the case before lugging it up

my god their eyes were shining

yep, thats my girl

when their games were over for the day, they made their way to the exit where the bus was at and you and kyo stayed behind again

you caught the eye of the guy and his team and you and kyo glared at him, both wearing a sadistic smile

UGH YALL ARE COUPLE GOALS I SWEAR

kyo even went up to him and the team shrunk leaving the guy standing there in fear at the look on his face

‘listen, i dont like it when my baby girl gets touched by filthy shite like you. so do it again, and ill chop those damn fingers of yours, got it?’

lmao he’ll come for your ankles

the guy just nodded in fear while his team were cowering at the back

you chuckled and pulled kyo to go bc as much as you liked watching this, you needed to go to the bus to go home

‘cmon, kyo, i want to go. im getting a headache from the smell of garbage’

he shifted his gaze to you and sent you a soft smile

‘okay. lets go’

hah you thought it ends there?

kyo is a dramatic little shite so he made a show of grabbing your waist and kissing your temple before flashing them a finger

oiks was tapping his foot impatiently at the bus and when you and kyo emerged from the entrace, he was about to snatch you up but kyo stood in front of you

‘EH?! KYOKEN-CHAN, I WANT TO SIT WITH Y/N-CHAN!’

‘no’

he said and didnt say anything else as he pulled you to the bus and into a two seater where you sat at the window again and he sat on the outside

‘hah? you want to sit next to me, kyo-san?’

you teased but he flushed red, hurriedly hiding in your neck

you laughed and brought a hand up to caress his nape

‘mhm’

he mumbled and you pursed your lips to hide the squeal

‘youre so cute, kyo-san’

‘not cute’

‘very cute’

‘no’

‘AM I CUTE Y/N-CHAN?’

‘SHUT UP SHITTYKAWA’

kyoken got away from your neck and went to hit the captain 

oikawa screamed

a/n: my first week of school was so weird bc we only have like 2 days and the other days are just free days bc we havent really done anything except talk about our classes but im just hating this system like ugh i actually want to go to school bc ya girl is going to a tech school and this 2-day a week is not the vibe

[tamhrayis]

r u already physically and mentally ok? bc i am still not feeling very good. the ending is the only thing i can think of, however much i try to distract myself from that. i still cant properly eat and sleep. i still cry a lot. i still have stomach ache and have trouble consuming food. i still cant concentrate on anything bc my mind constantly thinks about aot ending. i am one of those people who think ending was average (like it wasnt satisfactory enough, but also not terrible). the thing is that i really wanted to see EM happy together in the end. my brain costantly thinks about how brutally Mikasa had to kill Eren and how she sits under that tree next to his grave and misses him... this just hurts so much. like my rational part tries to tell myself that it is only a fiction, it is not real so i shouldnt make such a fuss around that, but my emotional part (which is now unfortunatelly much stronger) can't let it go... like i have now even a problem to watch anything related to aot. like when i go on youtube and it recommends me some aot videos i cant even bring myself to click on them without them triggering even more pain in me... idk i got probably so attached to EM and wanted to really see them happy together after everything they went through that this ending hurt me in the worst possible way. i want to move on with my life so it wont hurt me anymore, but i just cant because my mind always slips to EM and their ending (which triggers even more pain) and also i am not in any other "fandom" except aot so i dont even have big passion for anything else where i could "escape" from aot. i tried to watch some movies yesterday and today as a distraction, but it still didnt help bc my mind always goes back to aot ending... like i feel mentally and physically really awful and i want it to stop but i dont know what to do. it is like i have no control over it. do u have any advice what to do to stop feeling so bad? how much time do u think its gonna take until i will feel normal again? if you or any of your followers have any advice what to do or just some comfort words - they are very much appreciated. thanks for hearing me out and im sorry for the long ask i just needed to tell and ask someone and u seem like a very nice person. <3

Anon, I am very sorry for how you feel these days. I totally understand and I also want you to recover as soon as possible.

Your state really reminds me of how I felt when ch.138 came out. I didn’t cry that much, but maybe...it was because of the leaks I’ve read before the chapter or just how I lived during that time. I couldn’t normally eat, sleep and simply function, because every time I did something, it just ended up being another breathing exercise session, because I really couldn’t get myself to do something without thinking about ch.138.

But instead of checking social media and trying to find a distraction in my phone, I just tried to distance myself from it. One of the things that really helped me to cope was...cleaning😂 I don’t know how it will be for you, but cleaning really distracted me and eased my mind. Also, on the day when ch.138 was officially released, i needed to go outside with my friend and tbh, these two really helped me to deal with the anxiety. I took me a full week to recover, but nevertheless...I just tried to find some ways to think about something else. I also did my school work, talked to my friends, watched another animes and just continued to live.

As for how I am still mentally and physically okay...I am just that type of person who is used to let things go. Be it people leaving my life, materialistic stuff that I lose or how things don’t go my way, I just don’t feel as sad about it as I used to, because nothing is permanent in this world and everything has an end. I knew that AoT will end someday and I used to tell myself that no matter what kind of ending it will be, I will be okay.

It’s not like “I will accept any crappy ending”, but more like “I know that Isayama won’t scrap his work and no matter what he does, it’ll be meaningful”. I knew that getting a happy-go-lucky ending won’t be possible as I used to think, and maybe that was my fault for believing it...But I am happy with this ending, because it wasn’t closed and precise enough.

As for Mikasa, I see where you are coming from, but Mikasa didn’t brutally killed him. She finally freed him from the burden of this world. Yes, it would be so great if they lived together, had a family and just spend the rest of their lives as they wished for.

But realistically, knowing how many problems Eren’s existence will bring and their conscientious nature...They still wouldn’t find peace, because as Armin mentioned that even if titans stopped to exist, it doesn’t mean that the world will just come to peace. No, they will need to work and create that peace by themselves, but again, Eren’s life would be full of responsibilities and burden all over again.

If the writing was different and Isayama made his story a little more hopeful in some ways...I think we would get something different, but that’s only my speculations.

I genuinely want you to get better and be happy again! You’re amazing and loved. Thank you for sharing. I feel very touched🤧

[diavolosthots]

Hi, sweetie! I wonder if you may write a headcanon about sinblings (undateables too if it's okay) with a crybaby darling. Like, she's weak and cries bc of that. Something made her extremely angry? She cries bc she can't do anything about it (abusive relationships in movies for example). A cat in a game died? She cries. Maybe the reason of this are in her parents. Even if they love her, they argue, which is scary and make her cry. Thanks, have a nice day!

Hey love! I'm going to be honest:

!Warning! Before I answer this, I want you to know that I try to stay as true to the being "demon" as possible. So some of these answers are not wholesome.

THE BROTHERS + UNDATEABLES reacting to a crybaby MC

Lucifer:

It doesnt fly with him. First of all, as much as he promised Lord Diavolo, he cant protect you from literally everything. Second of all, hes on the verge of begging for a demon to eat you. He knows not all humans are like this, so why in the world are you? On the off chance that it doesn't bother him to the moon and back, he'll manipulate you through your vulnerability to his every desire instead.

Mammon:

He took it as an opportunity at first. "The great Mammon jumping to your rescue" but he quickly became overwhelmed and he could feel himself turn from hero to villain in his own story. He cant even handle himself; save himself. How in the hell would he save someone else? Constantly, too.

Leviathan:

Make it stop. Make it stop! Why are you crying? Literally nothing happened? So what, he raised his voice at another game! Its not the end of the world and quite honestly it's getting annoying as, dare he say, hell! Just stop! He gets angry, frustrated; those are his least favorite types of people. He already whines a lot himself, he cant handle someone actually crying.

Satan:

He tries to understand, he really does. But you're such an easy target and God if your tears dont bring some sick pleasure to him. At first, he mightve been concerned, but as time went on, it became a game to him. You didnt think you could survive in the Devildom with no backbone, did you?

Asmodeus:

Another one who'd use it to his advantage. Come to Asmo for comfort; for talk and wandering hands at your most vulnerable. He will use your instability to his advantage. Will make you rely on him and the worst part? You know what hes doing, but you wont be able to save yourself.

Beelzebub:

In some way, it hurts his nonexistent heart, and he does try to comfort you a lot, but he cant help the annoyance he feels. He wouldn't voice that, of course, not when he knows you'd just cry again. But it shows in his actions. His words would become less comforting, his hugs not as tight anymore; it's almost as if hes losing interest.

Belphegor:

Much like Satan, he finds some sick pleasure in it. That is, at least, if he cares enough to pay attention to every single time you cry in the first place. And much like Levi, if it interrupts his sleep, he might also raise his voice. Its not in a demons nature to be sympathetic.

Diavolo:

He wanted to be nice. To be peaceful. To tolerate it. But everyone has a breaking point and he was inching closer to his own every day, with every passing tear, every incident that arose. He shouldve never brought you here. It was bothersome and interrupting his every day. This was more trouble than it was worth and he has no problem switching you out with someone who can actually... Survive.

Barbatos:

Unlike the façade he shows around Diavolo, he actually does not have a lot of patience, and is quick to grow tired of your antics. He doesnt have time to wipe away your tears at any given moment and if you were just a random human, he would've devoured you a long time ago; wouldve fed you to either himself or Cerberus a long time ago.

Simeon:

He's your best shot. The one who protects you and comforts you from anything; quite literally an angel. He cares about you; about all of God's creation, and he wants you to be strong and be sensitive. It's not a sign of weakness, it's strength. And until you realize your own strength, he will be your strength for you.

Solomon:

Interesting. He'll analyze you, try to figure out whats wrong and dive deep into your psyche. He's not the world's best comforter, but his arms are open and hes good at distractions. Sure, the Devildom can be scary, but humans have to stick together in a world full of demons.

[jacksjoke]

reply to this post by @vertigox bc i had a lot to say and didnt want to take up space so much room on one big post. lora put into words a lot of what ive been unable to and so i wrote this!

for one, i agree with everything lora wrote.

i can’t believe korn is dead bc his potential is literally the ability to never require sleep. it’s genius of him to fake his death to get everyone off his tail and if that’s what he did i wouldn’t be surprised at all. maybe the liquid he drank was a fake of nyx-88; i mean why else would he drink it only to throw himself off a building? if not to be dramatic and make it seem intense and real?? not to mention that since episode 4 when korn was staring so blankly at the empty vial of nyx-88, i cant stop thinking about how weird that was. why was he so zoned out?? he looked like he was under mind control more than anything else (tho the only people we know right now with such an ability are the director and pang).

second, chanon’s bit in the car set off major red flags for me. maybe its my innate distrust of men lmaoo but it seemed like a pity party act more than anything, like he was really working to convince pang that he’s this mess of a guy just trying to do what’s right.... who happened to give incredibly sensitive information to the only kid in the gifted who was working against all his friends? he wanted to give the info to pang, but he settles for a random kid just bc he’s wearing a gifted pin?

furthermore, if chanon works in such a high position within the ministry, isn’t it more likely that the director would have caught him out by now? why would someone as skilled as chanon put himself under such scrutiny if he’s trying to remain covert? i completely agree that by him garnering pang’s sympathy and labeling himself as pang’s mentor, chanon was trying to ally himself with pang while actually being on the opposite side.

if anything, chanon is working alongside the anti gifted and trying to take revenge for what the director -- and pom :’( -- did to him in high school. and if that’s the case, it’s totally likely that he planned korn’s jump and escape from the get-go. just before korn even jumps, chanon pulls pang’s attention to him so that he doesnt see what korn is doing, as if he’s trying to distract pang.

and as op said, he also doesnt seem overly concerned that a young kid just ‘k*lled himself;’ hes far more panicked about not being caught. that is SO SUS.  pang watches someone he called a friend, a classmate, die and sees his body on the pavement, and chanon’s reaction is to tell pang to “get himself together” so they can escape? i get that he might be worried for pang being implicated, but..... idk.

it’s also just way too convenient that pang is followed to the building where korn is only to instead find chanon. and chanon is the one who told pang not to go in after korn immediately, but rather to wait in order for them to then have the chat in the car. he tells pang that he went to the school bc he heard about what korn had done, yet the last time he needed to get information to the gifted he went in the night to avoid being seen. so why now, after this major event that’s resulted in even more attention from the director and staff, would he go in broad daylight and risk being seen???????? oh ya, bc he never went to the school to find out what was going on; he already knew and knew also that pang would come to find korn, setting their plan further into motion for korn’s faked death.

i also dont know how korn’s switchblade is involved in this, but he uses it to stab punn and for some reason the camera zoomed in on korn folding it back up and gripping it tightly, versus discarding it before he jumps and leaving it to be found as evidence, which we see when they put it carefully into an evidence bag. i dont knw why, but that feels significant to me, as tho chanon is somehow tied to that knife and korn is leaving it as a clue.

korn’s last words to pang are (according to subs) “hear my words. the gifted class/program is evil.”

i just think there’s more to it than we’ve been led to believe; that’s the entire theme of this show thus far, being taken by surprise. it’s like the whole show is a magic trick, taking advantage of the art of distraction to keep our focus elsewhere while the real shit happens somewhere else.

(ps i don’t know how time is going to resurrected but there’s no way he’s dead either.PERIOD)

i hate this and i dont want it to be true but i literally cant help thinking this is just.......a ruse fdkjhldkhjg anyway bye take from this what u will

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[rosykims]

OTP TWENTY QUESTIONS - TRISS MADDOX / AVA DU MORTAIN

i was tagged by @goblin-deity​​ and @pillarsofeternity​​ thank u both !!! tagging @trvelyans​ @arlathen​ @solasan​ @lvllns​ @abelas​ @noonvvraith​ @lavelans​ @rosebarsoap​ and anybody else who wants to!

who can out drink the other?

who CAN but chooses not to? ava. who WILL but absolutely SHOULDN’T? triss 100%. neither one of them are big drinkers but put triss in a social setting and watch her instantly lose any and all ability to self discipline lmao

who says “i love you” more?

hmm okay so they both have their own individual and specific Issues around relationships, so neither of them rly say it all that much except during intense/intimate moments when it rly matters. but i think after a while (as in like a year or so into the rel when ava is used to it and comfortable) i think ava might say it slightly more than triss does, just in priavte together whilst Doting on her u know.....

who has trouble sleeping alone?

triss ! i mean even before they got together her nightmares were real bad :( but being w ava thru the night helps, to the point where theyre basically a non issue for her anymore. plus she’s a very cuddly person in private just in general and likes BEING cuddled fdjdjfkjf so not having bae w her during the long, cold nights is..... a tragedy luv 

who swears more?

oh triss djdjkffdkjfdk tho shes doesnt swear THAT much and never around ppl she doesnt know. usually just when shes distracted or with fwends having a goof...

who does more of the housework?

probably ava.................. triss is lowkey a messy bitch lol. not DIRTY or anything like her house isnt gross or whatever but she definitely just leaves shit lying around and never tidies lmao. when ava comes around she always ends up cleaning jsut bc shes Like that. as for things like dishes/vaccuuming/etc, mostly triss does that stuff bc its her apartment lmao,, tho ava will always end up helping her anyway bc, again, shes just like that

who forgets their anniversary?

triss :’’’’(((( shes RLY independent and before ava she took a very modern approach to dating so she rly doesnt.... consider those things too much. i like to think ava WOULD remember bc her memory is like. impeccable lol and she’d want to know these things bc shes somewhat old fashioned - but i also dont think she’d care enough to be upset by it. like she IS old fashioned in some ways but like ava of all ppl would probably agree that its not a big deal. regardless triss always wants to do smth together when she does remember lmao

who steals the duvet in their sleep?

TRISS AND SHES SO BAD ABT IT AS WELL. shes the MOST restless sleeper u will ever meet, absolutely throws herself all over ava during the night and if ava was as fuck-off-strong as she is, i have no doubt triss would succeed in pushing her out of their bed on multiple occasions

who keeps the other awake at night with their snoring?

neither, fortunately ! tho on the odd occasion when ava sleeps, she is sometimes woken up by triss sleeptalking during nightmares

who finds stray animals and begs the other to let them keep them?

honestly neither again, mostly bc triss is so busy and her apartment is too small for anything other than her bird. triss is definitely the type to pick out the ugliest/most feral stray animal she can find and gush abt how cute it is tho!

who usually makes dinner?

triss! she likes cooking even tho she’s not very good at it. she sometimes asks ava to help her in making recipes that ava likes or is more comfortable eating, bc of the whole sensory thing

who plays their music out loud?

triss again ! i have a hc that there is ALWAYS music playing at triss’s apartment, she always has her radio or her speakers playing smth bc she is uncomfy with silence, and also just bc she likes to dance around the house kfdjkdkf

who hogs the bathroom?

okay.........i HONESTLY think ava. idk why but i feel like ava takes rly good care of herself. whereas triss is a rat who will brush her hair and teeth and maybe put a moisurizer on if shes feeling it that day lol. ava at the VERY least spends a lot of time on her hair imo, washing it as well as making it look so damn Iconic

who gives the most compliments?

triss ! shes a very sweet bby and u cant rly get thru a convo with her without being complimented at least once lol

who usually starts/causes arguments between them?

definitely ava, tho i would argue - at least in the context of their relationship - that its actually a good thing, or at least a healthy thing. triss HATES conflict that involves voicing her own issues w something, and much prefers to just bury it down or pretend it doesnt exist. which isnt healthy at all ! so a lot of their arguments usually have to do with ava trying to get triss to have meaningful dialogue with her and not hold back so much.

who isn’t afraid to embarrass the other in public?

triss.................i feel so damn sorry for ava actually lmao

who gives the other cringe worthy pet names?

hmmmm, ava gives them unironically (like. triss’s cousin once overheard ava call triss “my love” or “my heart” once and NEVER lets triss forget it) but triss absolutely goes out of her way to come up w some truly creative ones. 

who fusses over the other when they get sick?

ava !!!!! i feel like after 900 years she would be Extra worried abt that kind of stuff, and severely catastrophises abt how absurdly fragile/vulnerable she thinks humans are. like triss will get a cold and ava will still partially act like its 1183 or whatever and her gf is literally at deaths door lmao.

who finds it impossible to stay angry at the other for long

hm both ! ava tends to get frustrated a lot at everybody in general, but triss has an annoying way of cutting thru all of that lol. whereas on the other hand, like i said, triss just doesnt get angry, and even if she does she tends to just move past it as quickly as she can because she doesnt want to argue

who clings to the other for comfort when they’re sad or scared?

i think both, but in slightly different ways ! triss always wants comfort from ava, whether shes happy or sad or whatever lol, but i do rly love the idea of ava relying on triss a little more for emotional support once they have been in a relationship for a while, and once and ava feels safe w that kind of thing............like just letting her be vulnerable with someone whom she trusts, just for a little while.... 

who is more ‘physically passionate’? (hugs, kisses, or maybe more…)

again i would say both in different ways ! it rly depends on what the q means by passionate. like triss is very handsy and quite physical w her affection, and ava is more into the subtler stuff. but in saying that, when ava does get physical its WAY more intense and ‘passionate’ in that sense!

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Power Transfer

Also on AO3!

TL;DR: 

One for all is a power that has been passed down for generations. Turns out the most recent generation can afford to be a whole lot more liberal with his sharing. Also turns out sharing quirks runs in the family.

An AU where Izuku can share OFA full cowling with multiple people at once.

shared power ofa,

izuku giving aizawa 5% of one for all durring the usj or izuku giving toshinori 99% of OFA durring the last fight

cause consider the world never finding out about small might, all might retires but izuku knows

the rescue team all having the max amount of ofa they can use, which is around 2% each, cause a lil sparking team of heroes

izuku using kirishima to give bakugo some too n them using it to get away

izuku having two quirks is my favourite goddamn thing bc him being able to share his quirk but not having anything to share is great

he gives bits to allmight, like a constant 1% so he can teach classes and do press stuff

some rando wants to do an "all might" where is he now segment and it spans a good few months so izuku is continuously in the background just

conspiracy theory starts that izuku is a villain or allmights son

a villain and all might's son

izuku has no double toe joint but the doc cant find any evidence of a quirk? so he tells them izuku is either quirkless or has an invisible quirk. something subtle, or specific enough to have not activated by now

bakugo kinda,, is chill with izuku. he was waiting for izuku to develop a quirk till he judged him, but he never did so he kinda withheld judgement long enough for them to become decent friends

anyway, izuku likes to ramble about different things his quirk could technically be, bakugo likes to join in. they can go at this for h o u r s cackling about stupid hypotheticals

they workout together, they both do boxing and try out random moves they see on the internet on each other. they have a pile of gym mats in the woods like the weirdos they are

bakugo is like,, convinced izuku's quirk is actually an intellect up but he just shrugs

izuku has to grab something before he heads home so he takes the underpass and we get basically episode 1 from there. all might says no, the villain gets away, attacks Bakugo. izuku runs in, throws dust in the villain's eyes and pulls at bakugo's hands. all might jumps in, saves the day yada yada

some background for u about all might bc his past is a touch different here. during the battle with afo, afo was distracted. all might sustained the same injures but won more easily.

night eye never looks into his future because "my purpose is done, nighteye. let's live like everyone else, no fate of the world on our shoulders" he never looks into all mights future again at his request

they stay together

so instead of the big argument they go get ramen and get drunk because they don't have to be superhuman anymore, they can relax now

back to the main timeline-

so izuku is already fit, cleans the beach in 8 months, nighteye supervises

all might gives izuku the quirk 2 months before the entrance exam, nighteye is there to "oversee" (he wants to see izuku choke on a hair and laugh at this kid hes become pretty fond of)

also mirio! is izuku's bro because i love he

izuku eats the hair and gets the quirk like, instantly which?? is confusing nighteye and all might. nighteye has like,,, hidden behind a car because hes the only person with self-preservation

allmight touches izuku and the lightning climbs up his arm and he just pOofs out into swolmight. hes ShooK, so is izuku

anyway, he manages to turn it off and izuku is just standing there like "oh my god what the fuck"

"izuku,, what,, happened there"

",,,, one for all??? leaked out??? into allmight????"

...

"nighteye come over here."

"izukU nO"

"STAND STILL NIGHTEYE I JUST NEED TO TRY SOMETHING"

nighteye is forcibly given a little of ofa and regrets a lot of stuff

anyway, izuku breaks an arm trying to use ofa and hes muttering trying to work out how to use it, nighteye basically says "well, think back to how ofa came about" and izuku is like ",,, what"

and nighteye screams because TOSHI YOU DIDNT TELL HIM?????? and allmight ",,, o o p s"

so izuku gets to hear the story of all for one while hes being driven to UA for recovery girl hes,,, really quiet for a second

"when did you fight him?"

"six years ago, april?"

",,, this has to be a coincidence"

hisashi went out on a "business trip" 6 years ago and they haven't seen him since. he calls, but hes never visited and izuku has this terrible feeling

because izuku cant calm down and because nighteye thinks this kid might be on to something they call tsukauchi and he agrees to meet them at UA

izuku gets treated, naomasa is in v quickly afterwards before he calls his dad he turns to nighteye, allmight and Naomasa

"i've never been able to lie to my dad. i thought he was just really good at reading me but,,"

"if hes afo he might have a quirk"

"yeah. so i'll just twist the truth. im good at that, but thats all i'll be able to do"

anyway, he calls up his dad and slaps this big grin on his face. the phone is on speaker

"hey dad!!!!" "izuku! is something wrong?"

"oi, cant i call my dad for no reason?"

"you, willingly calling someone? dont make me laugh"

izuku giggles despite himself

"anyway, you'll never guess!!"

"did youuuu,,,, hmmmm, meet all might?"

they freeze but izuku just laughs

"yeah,, but thats not the most exciting thing!!! my quirk came in finally"

"oh?"

"yeah! imagine the worlds most basic power enhancer, but i can share the energy! you have any idea where that could have come from?"

"no! i can't think of anyone in our family with a quirk like that! sounds crazy!"

naomasa looks grin, and mouths "liar"

izuku pales but keeps his smile

"do you think you could visit, id love to show you!! oh, maybe we could test it together! you always had the best ideas for my quirk notes"

"id love to izuku, but im stuck in america for the near future, you know it is. i'll see what i can do tho, ok champ?"

naomasa shakes his head again "lying" izuku looks like hes going to be sick. nighteye is pale, all might looks stunned. izuku grits his teeth but his voice is still light and happy

"i'm gonna make it into UA so you can watch me kick butt from america! you better cheer me on!"

"im looking forward to it. say hi to your mother from me."

naomasa nods. hes telling the truth. that makes nighteye feel the sickest

"love you izuku"

",,, love you too dad"

izuku hangs up the phone and retches into the bin. nighteye is shaking. all might storms out. naomasa punches the wall

izuku looks up with tears in his eyes

",,, does my mum know?"

nighteye wants to cry

"i dont know kid"

izuku tells katuski that his quirk finally came in! but,,, in the worlds biggest mess of a way

basically hes lying in bed, trying to work out why he can't use it without breaking bones but the people he shares it with can, he bolts upright

"POWER MODULATION OH MY GOD"

he runs out his door all the way to bakugos house and climbs in through his window, grabbing a sleeping bakugo by the shoulders

"KACCHAN ITS POWER MODULATION"

"IZuKU whAt tHE fuCK"

"my quirk!!! i was breaking bones because i wasnt modulating it!!!"

",,,,q QUiRK/???/?"

",,,, oh yeah oops"

mitsuki runs in with a frying pan ready to murder a villain but its just izuku

"carry on"

izuku doesnt tell him its ofa but he explains his quirk has finally showed up, bakugo asks him if hes registered it yet

",,,noooooo"

"wait what? you, breaking the law? mister "i cant kill an ant because all might himself will call me a villain""

izuku, w the most shit-eating grin, explains that you only legaly have to register your quirk when it shows up, or after you are tested when you are five, whichever happens first so, legally, he doesnt need to register because it would be seen as voluntary updating

cut to the enterance exam

aizawa is holding the papers for the kids hes observing right then

"quirkless? that kid doesn't look quirkless"

and yagi sighs

"of course he didnt,,,"

"all might? do you know him?"

"NO NO IDEA WHO MID- THAT YOUNG CHILD IS"

",,,, r i g h t"

“aizawa listen i have never seen young midoriya in my life ever”

basically, izuku is hiding the "transfer" part of his power from most people bc hes stubborn and thinks it could be useful

also,,, in this au shinso makes it in on hero points thanks

bakugo is about to rush the 0 pointer but shinso can see its going to fall on him shinsou yells

"HEY FUCK FACE"

"HA-"

"MOVE MOVE MOVE GET OVER HERE BEFORE YOU FUCKING DIE OH MY GOD MOVE I DONT WANT TO SEE SOMEONE DIE TODAY"

shinsou and bakugou are the type of friends that flat out have no love for each other but would punch anyone who says anything bad abt the other. like shinsou walks into school and bakugou s just

“dammit i thought u fucking died smh”

“i wish i did then i wouldn’t have to look at ur ugly ass”

in this au shinso and izuku bond when they are standing outside they door bc izuku looks like hes gonna fucking cry hes so scared and shinsou is like "wow big mood"

shinso is not shinson in this au! bc izuku is gonna do a soft

basically, quirk test? shinsou is s w e a t i n g bakugo looks a little worried for his new friend but no one would notice if they weren’t izuku

shinsou turns to him like "my quirk is mental im going to fa I L"

izuku grabs his hand and he feels this rush of energy, you can almost see it dancing along his skin. izuku grins

"i think you'll find you do just fine"

(izuku gave him like,, less than a full 1% but hes like doubled in strength and speed and hes??? shook?? bc whats happening)

aizawa is lost bc shinso has a mental quirk he shouldnt be doing this well, so he tries to cancel it

nothing happens and aizawa is so lost??? bc shinsou is kinda reedy and not super fit but hes placing solidly in the middle

and he noticing that shinso’s eyes seem to be glowing and so are they eyes of the kid coming in second and gives a big "hm,mmmm"

anyway, ball pitch, he cancels izukus quirk and turns to look at shinso, his eyes are dim. izuku looks sheepish but also like hes ready to throw down and its an interesting look

aizawa just sighs "you know what? just throw the ball."

izuku g r i n s and yeets it into next year using more of his quirk than he like,, really should have? to prove a point (his finger is bruised, not broken. he used 25%)

anyway aizawa shows the results, shinso is in the middle, izuku second, hagakure is last and sadly shes not getting expelled bc plot reasons – im sorry I have a thing against her shes perfectly valid probably im just still convinced shes the traitor even tho its totally a teacher

he calls izuku out on it but does admit he didnt say you couldnt help eachother, so its kind on him. shinso looks like hes going to pass out with relief

Hagekure is the traitor in this au though, 100%

during the camp she is at the pick up zone, hiding. izuku pulls bakugo out of the way, they all seem safe

but

she pushes izuku in through the portal as it closes

fyi afo takes her quirk and leaves her braindead in the nomu factory bc shes not useful anymore. also because now he needs to have a really awkward conversation with his son he was hoping to avoid

also usj? is really melodramatic

he gives aizawa 4% which is the max nighteye could hold without it hurting

aizawa takes a hit from the nomu and he reaches out his hand

izuku cries as he gives him an extra 4% and aizawa gets free but he can see bruises forming with every step his teacher takes

[edsbev]

im SAD and in PAIN can i get sum reddie hcs

sorry for not answering this earlier !! i was struggling to think of some but then i went into my drafts and found this long headcanon of young richie and eddie being idiot best buds who are lowkey crushing on each other and its so dumb which is why i never posted it but here u go

ok so. imagine.

the losers all have an elaborate walkie talkie set up, stranger things kids style, but richie and eddie have their own special station/channel where they can just talk to each other

and a lot of the time, richie uses it to call eddie late at night to invite him to some crazy shenanigan

like richie thinks his neighbour is a vampire or a serial killer or somETHING weird bc the guy is always shifting around in his yard and garage at night so richie always calls eddie to come spy on him with him (bc eddie is the only one who also believes that something is up with this guy) (bc if either richie or eddie believes some dumb shit then u can bET the other one does too)

so anyway thats how richie and eddie end up spending a lot of their summer nights hiding behind bushes in richies neighbours yard, trying not to go red when they have to huddle together, whisper-arguing abt whether or not richie pushed eddie into the bush on purpose or not, whisper-laughing abt some lame jokes they came up with on the spot bc they got bored or distracted, whisper-shouting and then actually shouting when they get caught

they try to bolt but the guy grabs them by the collar of their shirts and drags them to richies front doorstep. and they both smile sheepishly when maggie opens the door and finds them with their very angry neighbour again

(because this has happened multiple times and yet richie and eddie always go back bc theyre dumbasses)

maggie sighs as she lets the two boys inside and richie immediately begs her not to tell sonia bc she’d probably lock eddie up if she found out they were doing this and thats not even an exaggeration she’d rlly whoop eddies ass and look at eddies cute, innocent face mom how can u let her do that to him please dont tell…

maggie looks at eddie, who is giving her his very best puppy dog eyes

(the last time they’d gotten caught and dragged up to the toziers house by their neighbour, maggie had threatened that she’d tell sonia if it ever happened again. so now richie is literally on his knees pleading for her not to, bc he doesnt think he’d be able to manage if eddie got grounded and wasnt allowed to see him for a week)

and maggie relents bc despite everything, eddie actually does keep richie out of trouble most of the time.

once, she had seen richie about to attempt chugging a whole carton of milk in under a minute. and before she could interject, eddie had said, “dont do that idiot” and richie had said “yeah ok” and put the milk back and maggie had been dumbfounded bc richie literally never lets anyone tell him what to do ever

so she says she wont tell and lets eddie stay on the condition that they will never go into the neighbours yard again. and the two boys shout excitedly, richie wraps her up in a hug, and they ramble their promises over each other before racing upstairs to richies bedroom

where they pull out binoculars and continue to spy on the neighbour

they spot him out in his back yard. digging a hole in the ground.

“what do you think thats for?” eddie asks. he is using the binoculars. richie is pressed up next to him, his face pushed against the window to get a good look. (there is plenty of space by the window btw, richie is pressed against eddie bc he wants to be)

“probably to bury us in when he finally kills us,” richie jokes. eddie laughs ‘ha’ and then gives richie the binoculars so he doesnt have to look at the neighbour so closely anymore.

neither of them say anything after that. but something abt the joke rlly spooks them. maybe its the fact that its getting dark, the fact that they can hear the faint sound of the shovel scraping against the ground, the lingering memory of the angered look on the neighbours face when he’d caught them

theyre both a little on edge. so much so that when they finally call it a night, eddie hesitates by the made-up bed on the floor before deciding fuck it and climbing into richies bed with him

“what are u doing?” richie asks. his bed is small enough that eddie bumps against him as he shuffles under the covers

“nothing,” eddie grumbles. he turns so his back to richie, but their feet are touching. “kick me in your sleep and you die.”

“noted,” richie says. he stares at the back of eddies head and his heart flips up into his throat. he wants eddie to look at him. he also wants to tease eddie for being scared but hes scared too. so he ends up with: “you know if that guy rlly tries to kill us im sacrificing you for my own safety right?”

eddie doesnt miss a beat: “yeah right. i could just step on your glasses and you’d be done for. blind-y.”

richie kicks at eddies shin and eddie kicks back. richie laughs and eddie laughs. and they rib at each other until they fall asleep.

(but richie has a nightmare in the middle of the night and in his half-awakeness hisses at eddie until he also wakes up. and when richie tells him he cant sleep, they make a sleepy, fumbly deal to hold hands until theyre both knocked out again)

(and they think nothing of it. bc theyre not rlly awake and also theyre bros)

and the next day they sneak back into the neighbours backyard to check out the hole he was digging bc theyre idiots who never learn.

the hole looks body-sized.

theyre both convinced its for their soon-to-be-dead bodies

no one else can convince them otherwise, bc richie and eddie are two chaotic tinhat conspiracy theory believers 

and also best buds who like to rile each other up until they actually get scared

eddie sleeps in richies bed again that night

[autobaby]

i was like pls throw me a source to buy clothes from so i can leave the house more often but then i remember that its literally not about the clothes yes its a little bit about the clothes but its mostly about my horrible body dysmorphia i cant even justify buying new clothes or have any interest in it at all cause everything looks so bad on me i dont even need to try it on and i only mostly thrift or shop online anyways there are no thrift stores here and if there are its like super expensive vintage second hand clothes there’s nothing in stores that i even remotely like and its super expensive buying new clothes would just be a huge waste of money and materials i prob wont even wear it like i cant even imagine a pair of pants or bottoms that i could wear rn like at all without feeling and looking like a barrel tbh like seriously i cant even imagine a slightly flattering outfit cause im fat everywhere ive been fat for so long now i mean mostly fat sudden fluctuations dont count and ive never learned to how to dress for this body without looking like a sack of fertilizer in my head and grossing myself out like what can i wear when ive gained so much weight idk oversized shirts but oversized shirts arent oversized anymore if you can see your belly sticking out idk how to dress this body with an unshapely uneven ever changing size and silhouette ive even watched videos on ‘oversized’ styling thats supposed to not make u look heavier than you already are but everything just seems uncomfortable like clothes in general is uncomfortable to me even wearing a sleep shirt is uncomfortable cause it rides up while i sleep and its uncomfortable im super picky about underwear too i mean all underwear expect for super stretched out ones are uncomfortable when you’re fat cause the fat roll is either inside or outside of the fabric and both are super comfortable the stretched out ones are uncomfortable too cause they dont fit to your body and move around and are loose just having so much extra fat is so uncomfortable i cant breathe properly with all the fat rolls suffocating me whenever i sit down or slightly hunch over my thighs rub together so much its always sticky im so sweaty all the time especially inbetween my belly rolls thats super triggering and gross i hate being hot and sticky not to even mention my chest fat and how gross that makes me feel i also dont own any bras and im not gonna start buying any or wearing them i mean sports bras yes but they dont fit anymore they’re so tight and suffocating and uncomfortable omg i feel like im gonna faint if i try to wear one wtf am i supposed to do food is my only coping mechanism i feel so fucking stupid everytime i order fast food again bc i hate it it tastes disgusting its so expensive and its literal shit that im putting in my body and it doesnt even taste good at all it makes me wanna vomit but i keep ordering fast food bc its food and its fast duh whenever i need something to distract me i watch mukbangs and i order food and binge i really should be banned from watching mukbangs but then what will i do for quick distraction i hate eating so much i dont even enjoy fruit anymore i mean ive lost all pleasure and enjoyment from anything for a long time now especially with food its so sad i only eat to abuse myself and to cope and distract myself and i only eat shit the shittest most processed high carb high fat high sugar foods that u can get and i have to force feed myself everyday cause i have no appetite i cant stop until i find something else to replace food with please help me find something to replace it with i need another coping mechanism but it cant be smoking cause smoking makes me wanna eat more too and its so bad for my throat and lungs please let me find a replacement for food please make me stop if you read this whole thing u’re a hero but also why

[lifesucksheres20bucks]

Reddie going to on a date to the fair...only if you want💗

YES I LOVE THIS CONCEPT

*i took me so long to write this, there might be some errors sorry*

- def like last summer of them all being in derry

-their 18 and richie is moving to LA and eddie is going to NY

-richie knows his time with eds is running out and hes been a lot more clingy than usual

-eddie knows it too and hes been spendig a lot more alone time with his favorite trashmouth

-eddie HATES change so he has regular panic attack just thinking of being away from the losers (especially richie) 

when he gets the panic attacks he usually just throws himself onto richie and starts playing with his shirt

richie started seeing a pattern and lets him calm down, he tries rubbing his back or making him laugh

when eddie isnt with richie when he has one (which tends to only happen at night) he will sneak out of his house and go to richies (richie now leaves his window open for eddie bc of it )

the losers part ways in about 3 weeks 

so for the past week eddie has been sleeping at richies everynight, he waits for his mom to go to sleep and goes directly to richies house

they usually just lie in bed somewhat cuddling 

they both know theres this unspoken thing between them but no one acts on it

the second to last week of  August theres the annual Derry summer fair. The losers have been going there since forever and its like the best part of the summer for them

they usually all go together for a whole day and stay to watch the fireworks then head to mikes farm for a sleepover/bonfire 

one day richie cant take it anymore and calls bev, he just kinda blurs out that he loves eddie and bev starts laughing 

“yeah we all figured you guys love eachother”

“wait you guys? you think eddie loves me too?”

“well none of us spend every night cuddling, and holding hands and sitting on each others laps” 

“you guys noticed that huh”

“omg you’re such a idiot sometimes rich”

“idk what to do though, how am i going to live without eddie”

“you guys will see each other, dont worry, we promised each other annual trips and we all come back to derry for the summers right? You guys will see each other eventually”

“but i can barely stand being without him for a day. You remember last month when his mother didnt let him leave the house bc he coughed? I was freaking miserable that day and i made everyone else miserable too.”

“well rich, i dont know what to tell you, youre going to have to find a way to survive without him, you guys can still call each other when your in school. Its a temporary move, you guys can live together or whatever after college”

“i need to tell him how i feel, i cant just leave without telling him”

“I think thats a good idea, let me know how it goes”

the next day the losers go to the fair, end up causing too much trouble (like always) and then went back to mikes farm. they all got drunk and very emotional, lots of crying bc they were all moving. some promises were made about calling each other at least once a week and plans were made about visiting each other during the thanksgiving holiday and taking a spring break trip together. (their all going to NYC for thanksgiving to see the christmas tree and probably going to LA for spring break)

during the sleepover richie and eddie and sleeping next to each other, richie reaches out to see if eddie is awake and as soon as richies hand is on eddie back, eddie turns around and puts his head on richies chest. 

“eddie do you want to go back to the fair with me tomorrow?”

“yeah we can go back , i think mike would like that bc he was totally smitten with that gir-

“no i mean just you and me”

“just you and me....uhh um okay that sounds like fun”

THE NEXT DAY

after eating breakfast at the farm they make up some weird excuse to why they couldnt hang out with the other losers and both leave (richie somehow said he needed to buy a cat)

-once they get to the fair theres this kinda awkward silence between them. Richie tries to make stupid jokes but all hes getting from eddie is nervous laughter

“hey eds whats wrong” richie says as he grads eddies hand

“i just, idk what are we doing?”

“well were at the fair, its this big fun thing we do every year”

“i know what a fair is you idiot, i mean why did you only want to come with me”

“bc i wanted to spend the day with my little eds!” (richie def pinches his cheek)

“dont call me that! god im so not going to miss that nickname when college starts”

“stop lying to yourself  my little spaghetti, youre going to miss not hearing it everyday”

they end up walking around trying some of the games.

eddie spotted a Koala that he really wanted and richie set out a mission to win it

he ended up spending like 20 dollars on tickets bc he kept losing the game. but when he finally got it, the look on eddies face made it all worthwhile

eddie decided to name the koala trashmouth for his knight in shining armour that got him in the first place

richie melts

eddie also named him that bc richie TOTALLY loves to koala hug eddie (and thats also why he wanted the koala in the first place bc he thought of richie when he saw it)

eddie gets them both candied apples

richie drops his after two bites

so they end up sharing eddies

at the end of the day richie insists on going to the ferris wheel

so they go and they sit right next to each other, eddie head on richies shoulder and finger intertwined 

they stop at the top and richie thinks its now or never

“hey eds, i need to tell you something and i dont want you to say anything, just let me finish”

“hm okay”

“you know how a couple of years ago you told me you loved coming to the fair because being here with your friends made you so happy. And that you absolutely loved coming on the Ferris wheel because being so high up and seeing the beautiful view of the town at sunset made you feel at peace and so whole...”

“yeah i remember that”

“well thats how you make me feel”

richie is playing with the hem of his shirt and every second that eddie doesnt say anything he starts shaking more and more

eddie sits quietly, in shock, and finally starts to process what richie says. he is quickly distracted by a tapping noise coming form richie

he looks at richie and sadness overcomes him, hes never seen richie look so nervous and scared in his life. the only thing he wants to do is hold him tight and thats exactly what the does

the second eddie takes richie into his arms richie just starts sobbing. the relief of the secret and the reality or their situation was just too much for him to handle

“shh shh ‘chee its okay, please dont cry baby”

“ i just, i dont know how im going to survive without you, youre my bestest friend eds and i love you so much..”

“i love you too richie, so much, why do you think i always sneak into your bedroom? all the panic attacks? its all because i keep thinking of college without you”

“why did we wait so long? i should have told you when i was 14, fucking hell Tozier always says stupid shit but never the right shit”

“richie stop youre not stupid, I should have told you, i just didnt know how. I know we waited too long but im so happy it happened this way. I dont think it would have worked out if we had told eachother sooner, we were so young. Now that were moving out of this shit hole we get to be ourselves and we can make this work” 

“but youre going to be so far away...”

“ill come visit you and i you can come see me, ill call you every night, this is going to work, i know it is bc its us and i know were meant to be together” 

“promise you wont forget me when im in LA”

“how can I ‘chee, you’re literally all i think about”

“wow okay this is getting really cheesy so can i just add a bit more cheesiness and kiss you at the top of the Ferris wheel?”

“ ugh okay but only since were already here and i dont think i can wait a minute longer”

richie cups eddies face and kisses him passionately 

(ITS A SHITTY ENDING I KNOW I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO END IT IM SORRY IM REALLY NOT MADE FOR WRITING)

this is definitely a story they will share with their kids in the future ❤️ 

[and-i-uh]

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

[sugarpun-fairy]

BEING A FAN AND DATING JOEL PIMENTEL - HEADCANNON

A/n: i was just fooling around w my mate @brattybombshell when this came up LAST MONTH I’M LATE FOR EVERYTHING SO PLS FORGIVE ME

also this is huge so yeah, enjoy urselves 

-x-

He meets you on the meet&greet  

You're all shy and nervous and almost pass out too like the girl from that vid and he's enchanted

P.S. it's your first show ever

And you bring everyone a letter with a small gift in it

The boys joke with you the entire time, trying to make you loosen up a little

You notice some of Joel's looks at you but you're like  

Nah, fam, me? Nop.

But the thing is that YES, FAM, YOU!

He's curious about you, your laugh and puns (that are just worse than Erick's)

He looks like a KID trying to find you when he's on stage  

But he can't

You were too far for him to see you and oh if he could bring you closer (like to his side) HE WOULD

After the show he's asking the whole staff to find you  

They can't

So he nicknames you Cinderella

You stole his heart and left without letting any traces

But he remembers your letter

He search for it like a dog searching a bone it dug on the backyard

He wants anything he can find about you, he NEEDS

A name, an address, an user

Homeboy is SO relieved when he finds your letter  

When he reads it and see your number there? He's on the clouds

He could swear he wouldnt complain about ANYTHING ever AGAIN  

Well, if you answered to a number from another country at least

He calls you  

He text you  

And you're like WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING MATE

That's when you pick up and he's like "hey it's me Joel"

You almost faint right there

Let's say that the show was on a Saturday and he's calling you at like

3 AM

And he's like PLEASE COME MEET ME I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU and you're like FUCK

Your flight is booked to the afternoon

You dont have this much time

The two of you don't even sleep

He sends a car to pick you up and you're a bit scared but SO excited (bc let's be honest the world is rlly dangerous for girls/women)

You didnt had time to put on makeup, just a quick shower so when you meet him you're all "oh boy I should have dressed up better why didnt I listened to my mom" AND HE LOOKS AT YOU AND HIS EYES FUCKING SHINE

That's when you stop, freeze and thinks  

"Fuck  

He's too much sand for my paper truck"

Then you see he's wearing the choker you gave him

And you melt

He's like "do you know a place we can go?" And you're like "I DONT LIVE HERE FUCK HE MUST THINK IM PATHETIC AND MUST BE REGRETTING CALLING ME HERE”

He finds it adorable how your body language shows your nervousness  

You can't keep eye contact  

But then you do

And then he's like "fuck" and you're like "fuck"  

And he's like "if you dont feel uncomfortable we could just get some snacks and stay at my room and talk about life" and you're so nervous you just shake your head

You see the amount of letters and gifts in his bed and you're like  

"IM REALLY HERE HOLY FUCK"

He doesnt make any move if he feels you're too uncomfortable  

So by the sunrise you're both sitting beside the other eating something from room service and he's listening to you rambling about your life

(He finds it adorable how distracted you get when you're talk and how sometimes you mix languages)

Then you stop talking and just sits back  

He's like omfgwhatdidido

And you're like imtalkingtoomuchheprollythinksimboring

You two stand there in silence and you look at the window

Sun is rising

His window is pointed straight at its direction

Mate

You love that boy  

But theres nothing more magical than the sun rising so you just go

And he goes after you

Mate it's beautiful

The sun, all the colors

But hes not looking at it

Hes looking at how even more beautiful your smile gets when the sun hits your face

"I'm sorry can I kiss you?" He snaps  

You're pretty sure you heard it wrong  

"What? Wait really? Yes please!"  

He nods and laugh  

You're smaller so he's leaning down and suddenly you're so nervous YOU BURST OUT LAUGHING

Your next thought is "I fucked up" so yeah you cry a bit  

You can't lie and say you hadn't cried already because the whole thing was SO UNREAL

The show  

The meet  

Being there with him

When he tries again it works

His hands are around your face then on your nape  

You dare to put your on his shoulder and his hair

His hair is SOFT

You guys keep touch

Using instagram since you doesnt have iOS (you tell him you hate it and won't ever trade your lil samsung, he gives you one anyway just bc he can)

You're not sure how to feel about it

First you're on the show  

Second you're kissing him at sunrise on his hotel room  

Third he's sending you gifts just so you can talk more?????????

Anxiety kicks in OF COURSE it's way too much

He stops telling he's single on interviews  

The boys tease him about it all the time

Talking about his Cinderella

There's a whole move on Twitter to find out who she is

You know who she is

Sometimes you're insecure  

About his career  

About you two  

About the fandom  

About EVERYTHING

He's always reassuring you about how he feels and doesnt care about anything else

(Your answer is always the same: anything else but music)

You're scared you'll start annoying him w your insecurities

So you start talking to the other boys too about it

Guess who slips that Joel wants to take you to tour with them when you can?

its hard to convince your parents, your vacation from work and college are not at the same time and you're like FUCK

the tour ends and you cant go and you're feeling so down

until he texts you saying he'll go to your country to see you

WE GOT POSTS EVERYWHERE "Is he going to see his so called Cinderella? So that means they met during the tour? Make your bets everyone"

it's crazy

you spend the first nights with him at the hotel before going to your house

the feeling of him being too much for you hits you everyday

gets worse when he goes to meet your family and youre like oh boy

you're so nervous you almost throw up

and everyone be like IM SORRY WAHT and you be like WE NEVER DID ANYTHING STOP RIGHT THERE

he spends that night at your house

its you, him, and your pet

and when you wake up you starts crying because you still can't believe

he also loves to hear you sing, even tho HE'S the singer there

its just a thing he likes, how you try your best even if you hate your own voice

a couple days before he goes back home he's like "get your passport i want you to go with me" and youre like "SO IF I TELL YOU ITS NOT THAT FAST WHAT WILL U DO"

and he just goes "JUST GET UR PASSPORT I HAVE A COUPLE MONTHS OFF AND I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY TOO"

At moment you're thinking if you could just leave everything behind and go live w him

part of you wants to

part of you is like "WHAT IF HE GETS TIRED OF YOU AND LEAVE YOU AND YOULL BE ALONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY WHAT WILL YOU DO"

U insecure again

he talks to your parents, assure them you'll be fine

so you go

at first is just a short time

no one will die because of a little vacation right?

WRONG you're both destroyed when you have to go home

what do to? what to do?

stay? go? (SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO TANANANANA sorry)

you know he wants to ask you to stay, he knows he cant ask you that

you turn to him and be like "if i find a job here and have the proper documents ill stay" bc you dont wanna be a burden and want to have your own independence too

also california  im not sure if he does live in california but for fictional purposes the answer is yes

one of your dreams

so you stay

he finds a small ap for you to share and his mom helps you find a nice job

when you're all set he turns to you and be like "i want to make us public" and you kinda just freezes right there

you've been together for almost a year now so why not? you end up going for it

-x-

taglist: @southside-sweets @batboys-and-other-messes @imaginesandideas @brattybombshell

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home -  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird