#and as humbling as it is to remember how ugly and violent and vindictive i can be... its very hard
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Something profoundly funny about getting snap memories where I adore and dote on my candle tattoo when I look back on it today as one of my worst decisions
#sorry stevie its not personal 😭#just the association of it with self harm bc that is what it was all about to me is terrible#and the fact that its lopsided and the flame is faded so it doesnt even look very good just makes it worse#like it just reminds me of how much i disrespected myself at 16 and 17#i had no love for me at all and at the time i was so happy to rub it in and leave irreversible reminders of my self hatred#and now i dont feel that way but i know that little girl is tucked away inside of me. my little eraserhead baby that sleeps deep in my heart#and i know that all it took to bring that out of me was one really nasty fight with my mom#so even though i've grown a lot around her i dont think she is gone and i dont think she ever will be#like diane in her final episode monologue#i feel her and im not mad at her but i dont recognize myself in her. and i know she would not recognize herself in me#i was so full of pain and anger and i wanted it to last Forever. i never wanted to heal and move on#and be happy. because i felt like if i was then when things fell apart i would feel so betrayed and scorned just like i did when i was 16#and now i dont feel that way but i cant take anything i did back then back. and thats really sad to me now#but i see the snap memories and i see this tattoo and i see the scars and i know that i wanted this extended release pain for myself#i wanted to never be able to let it go and now i cant. and i dont feel happy about it and im not supposed to#and as humbling as it is to remember how ugly and violent and vindictive i can be... its very hard#im sorry that i can be that way because i dont admire any of those qualities in myself at all#omg i cant believe i started this post off with this is so funny im literally crying rn actually thinking about it#i did chuckle when i saw the memory but its not so funny to reflect on
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