#Christian Quote Flannel

[grannyandgrandpascreations]

Distressed Bleach Flannel – Who I Am Is Enough

Embrace faith and style with our distressed bleach flannel featuring the powerful quote, 'Who I Am Is Enough.' Each shirt is handcrafted with a unique bleach-dyed design for a one-of-a-kind, vintage-inspired look. Made from soft and durable flannel fabric, it’s perfect for layering or wearing on its own. Whether you’re looking to make a statement of faith or add a bold, inspirational piece to your wardrobe, this flannel is a must-have. Available in various sizes and colors, it’s a meaningful gift for yourself or someone special.

No two shirts will ever be exactly alike so please aware and embrace the differences. All shirts are carefully curated, hand-dyed, and re-purposed so that each shirt is going to be different from the next in terms of color and plaid print.

SIZING: These shirts vary, many are men's sizing, and some come in unisex sizing. They can be worn by both men & women. Ordering your normal t-shirt size is recommended for a regular fit. Going 1 size up works well for a baggy/oversized fit. If your size is showing sold out, reach out to use to see if we have received a shipment of products in, due to the availability of items during this holiday season, we receive our products in daily.

FABRIC: All these shirts are made of cotton or a cotton/poly blend. Measurements and thickness vary slightly by brand.

COLORS: Each flannel is unique, and no two shirts are going to look exactly alike. Colors are sent at random. Because the colors often change throughout the bleaching process, I cannot take specific color requests for these shirts.

CONDITION: All of our flannel shirts are brand new and washed twice.

Care instructions: Turn item inside out, machine wash cold, no bleach, no softener. Do not dry clean. Do not iron. Air dry is recommended.

Due to different picture lighting settings the actual color might vary a bit from the pictures.

Current Turnaround Time due to upcoming Holidays - 1-5 Business Days. While we always use priority shipping options, once shipped we cannot guarantee delivery due to the backlog current being experienced USPS/UPS/FedEx. If you have a strict deadline, please message me when ordering so that I can note any rush requests. Ownership of packages turned over to USPS transfers to the Buyer. We are not responsible for lost, held, damaged packages or delayed packages, once your package(s) leaves our Shop it is completely out of our control. Thank you for understanding!

WEDDINGS: We do take custom orders for weddings! If you are interested in ordering a large group of shirts, please message me directly to set up a custom order. It is recommended that wedding orders be placed at least 2 months in advance so that we have enough time to create, ship, and exchange any shirts that do not fit.

Thank you for visiting Granny & Grandpa's Custom Creations, we truly appreciate your support of small businesses. We also personalize our products, please reach out to us with any personalizing of any of our products, additional fees may apply.

Please visit www.grannygrandpascustomcreations.com to view more products.

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Wear your faith in style with our distressed bleach flannel featuring the quote "Who I Am Is Enough." Perfect for casual and inspirational looks.

[docholligay]

What are the best things in life? (No, I am not fishing for the Conan quote)

God, the world is so beautiful and fun, and there is so much:

The joy of discovering something new

The way fresh flannel pajamas feel on a cold winter night

Slipping into a hot bath with a book and a glass of wine

That feeling when you read a line and you feel suddenly understood by a person you have never met

Chicken noodle soup

The smile on someone's face when they like something you gave them or showed them

Every time my cheerfulness is rewarded by kindness and help when they don't have to

Someone telling me my daughter is so polite and well behaved

The smell in the air before a thunderstorm. When the thunder is so loud it shakes the house.

The relief after being afraid

Tiny connections with a stranger when traveling

The taste of a diet mountain dew after I've been out of the country a long time

the first blooms of spring

a cold beer after a half-marathon

Being told I'm funny or clever

hot toddies

wearing a formal gown

The feel of the sun on your back on a freezing winter's day

wool sweaters

the way champagne sparkles on the tip of your nose when you drink it

Sitting at the table talking with my wife about Ted Cruz or Paulian Christianity or NASA or whatever we're on about today

handmade things

very fluffy cake

the way my daughter sings to herself

a group of people laughing

standing somewhere you've never been and taking it all in, studying all of it, trying to commit it to memory.

going out to dinner with a friend

being a regular somewhere

conversely, being a true novelty somewhere

a sharp, well-balanced knife

doing something hard

[aniah-who]

How is it that we’re so close, and yet feel so far?

[kazoosandfannypacks]

1, 4, 8, 9 and 14 for asks!!

(Okay sorry this is very rambly)

1. what’s your aesthetic?

Oh, darling, YES! Daisies and stars and piracy is a way to put it? I've got this kind of soft pastel daisies and hedgehogs and ukuleles and campers and punchbugs and fireflies and twinkle lights and dandelions vibe but then I also recently have really liked the stars and space and galaxy and flannels and scrunchies and star wars and steampunk vibe and then I also recently have enjoyed the pirates and flowy coats and swords and boats and sails and rope and unnecessarily extra outfits and treasure and romance and old papers and maps and a thirst for adventure aesthetic? Ik that's a lot and those highly contrast. It's a vibe tho, ig. Here's some snippets of aesthetics of mine I guess?

Sources: Inspirobot·my edit·my design

bogkeep on tumblr·my edit and photos·my edit

my edit and mostly my photos·my edit·my edit

4. what’s the closest you’ve come to dying?

Um. Idk? When I was a kid I certainly thought I was gonna die that one time when I was swimming but I can't swim? And I think my sister pulled me out of the way of a car once? And then I suppose I'm pretty close to death when I zipline or do climbing wall at camp and am 40 feet in the air, but even then I have a harness.... WAIT I GOT IT!

One time at school a group of us all decided to go get coffee at, like, 7:45am. My friend and I couldn't drive, so we got a ride from my friend, we'll call him Jerry. Now, Jerry is notorious for waking up five minutes before our eight am class and getting there right on time for it and being tired all the time, but we didn't think much of it. He got there right at 7:45 when we all met up to head out, we got in the car with Jerry, and drove down to the coffee shop. It wasn't very far, but I think both me and my friend knew that Jerry was so tired he was practically already asleep. I wouldn't say that it felt very near-death at the time, but we were the last ones to the coffee shop and the barista could tell Jerry was tired just by looking at him and made his coffee first, despite that he ordered third to last, because he looked like he needed it and that was when my friend and I looked at each other like "dude, we almost died."

8. describe your taste in music?

If it slaps, it slaps! I listen to musicals a lot, and disney movie and show soundtracks *cough cough, tangled*, and christmas music, and christian music (usually small bands that I've seen in person in some way) and also a few songs I'll hear at work or from friends and be like "oh that's a vibe, I like that." Idk if I have a distinct style though, but I definitley like listening to poppy music that feels fun and bouncy, and/or songs that have really deep lyrics or tell a story that I connect with. I find myself listening to a lot of those videos you can find on yt of ben fankhauser or jeremy jordan singing, and I think my favorite song ever is "who I'd be" from shrek the musical. Ik that's a lot I just can't define my tastes idk.

9. who do you love the most in this world?

My little brother! He means the world to me and whenever I'm away from home, he's the one I miss the most <3

14. describe your tattoos/ones you want to have?

Okay so I don't have any tattoos, but I know what I would get! I like the idea of a feather on my ankle- I draw feathers on myself a lot, because sometimes I'll accidentally just draw a line on myself and then make it look intentional by turning it into a feather. I also draw a flower very frequently that would be cool there! I'm most likely to get an arrow on my wrist, because I like the idea that some things have the most value when you let go, but at the same time wrists hurt for tattoos. I also like stars and think they'd be a cool tattoo, but idk where. The final tatoo idea I have for myself is the quote "if it can be broken, it means it still works" from once upon a time because I love it. I write that one on my arm a lot, because it means so much to me, and it always makes me smile when I see it written there!

Thanks for the asks, teacup!

[a-queer-seminarian]

Listen to the latest episode of Blessed Are the Binary Breakers, a multifaith podcast of transgender stories, for some cool queer art history!

Amy Neville (he, she, or they pronouns) is a 21-year-old Australian art historian & artist whose work celebrates being both Catholic & queer. In this episode, Avery and Neville discuss Neville's life and how they've learned to stand up for themself and other queer persons; the way women & queer artists have used textile arts over the years; and Europe’s Renaissance Period, focusing on queer artists who navigated adhering to & rebelling against the Catholic Church's rules for art in that period.

_____________

For an episode transcript and more info about this show, visit blessedarethebinarybreakers.com/podcast.

Find Neville on instagram @krem.caramel; check out their work at amyneville.art.

______________

Image description and episode timestamps are under the readmore.

Image description:

Image 1: Text reads "Finding the power in our queerness and rebellion in our love -Neville studies & creates queer Catholic art; listen on Blessed Are the Binary Breakers, a multifaith podcast of trans stories." A photo shows Neville's 3-meter long tapestry "Divine Rebellion," which features embroidery and appliqué of students sitting at desks with a holy spirit flame over each and a dove flying overhead; an angry teacher shaking his fist at a student figure who is standing up with their hand raised high, their other hand at their side clutching a sword, and two angels hovering over them, one of whom holds a rainbow streaming downwards. On the right is a burning eye over 3 signs labeled "warning."

Image 2: Text is a quote from Neville reading, "I got in trouble because I told my teacher that what he was teaching wasn't actually in the Bible... ‘You're using your prejudice, but you're teaching it like it's fact; but I've read the Bible and that's not what it says.’ …I remember thinking, ‘if I don't say anything, then all of these kids are gonna think…that that's what God thinks of them.’” A detail from the previous tapestry is shown, with a close-up on the student raising their hand: their hair is short and brown, they wear a blue jacket and red tie, and text around them reads, "Your very existence is a Radical act."

Image 3: Another quote from Neville reads, “God made you who you are. …Find the power in your queerness and the rebellion in your love. You can fight with your love, and your queer love and your queerness can be a form of activism in itself.” A photo of Neville shows them with short bright blue hair, pale skin, thick dark eyebrows and blue eyes, wearing a flannel shirt and looking at the camera with their mouth in a neutral line, lips slightly parted. / end image description.

TIMESTAMPS

(0:00 - 4:51) A reminder to Christians to confront antisemitism in Holy Week - see here for Amy-Jill Levine's article

(4:52 - 13:43) Discovering queerness while in Catholic high school - finding resources, standing up against a teacher's homophobia

(13:44 - 18:04) Meeting confident queer persons at university; coming out as genderfluid, going by last name Neville

(18:05 - 21:37) Creating art about being queer and Catholic; push-back from fellow queer folks for being Catholic

(21:38 - 29:22) Finding fellow queer persons of faith; the joy of community; Neville's graduate art exegesis "Divine Rebellion"

(29:23 - 37:08) Some textile arts history: suffragettes & feminists reclaiming it; queer persons expanding it - "the perfect medium" for underrepresented and undervalued groups

(37:09 - 43:32) Europe's Renaissance Period: the Catholic Church's power over the art scene; Caravaggio's role in rules censoring what could be depicted

(43:33 - 44:30) Resisting pinning down dead artists' sexualities with labels they didn't have

(44:31 - 48:24) Da Vinci's revolutionary art; sympathy for Judas

(48:25 - 55:26) Michelangelo's struggle with religion - not because of queerness, but because of his love of science; rebellion in his Sistine Chapel masterpiece

(55:27 - end) wrapping up - "find the power in your queerness and the rebellion in your love"; a future ep will continue Neville's tour of Renaissance art

[lifblogs]

#SPNAdventCalendar2020 | “There is no need for mistletoe.” | @bend-me-shape-me

READ ON AO3

“Dean, why is there a plant taped to the ceiling?”

Dean looked up from his laptop — Christmas wasn’t usually a big deal for him, but Sam was having a rough time, so he was searching for a gift for him.

“What?” he asked.

“Above your doorway,” Castiel reiterated, taking a seat beside him. “Someone taped something up there.”

Dean leaned his head back, nodding, realizing what Cas was saying. He shut his laptop, wanting to give his boyfriend his full attention.

“Ah. That.”

“Yes. That.”

“It’s mistletoe,” Dean explained.

“Okay, but why is it hanging from your doorway?”

“Wait, are you seriously telling me that you don’t know what mistletoe is for?”

“It’s for something?”

“Yeah, Cas,” Dean explained. “It’s a Christmas tradition. It started way back with Norse mythology actually and then the Christians came in and stole a lot of the Pagan stuff. So, the two Norse gods that were ruling the ‘superior realm,’” — he put air quotes up at the words — “of Asgard, had a son named Baldur. So everyone loved this dude so freakin’ much, and his mom, Frigga, worried that he would be killed.”

Castiel frowned. “But isn’t death a natural part of existence for most beings?”

“Supposedly, not these guys. Immortals, basically. They’re gods. Now stop interrupting.”

Castiel opened his mouth, glaring at Dean. Then he closed it, cheeks reddening.

Dean went on, “So she went around to everything and made them all promise that they wouldn’t hurt him. But she totally forgot about mistletoe because it was an insignificant little bastard.”

“Why would you insult a plant?”

Dean stopped dead. Why had he said that? Still, he decided to go with it and forge ahead, “Babe, that plant is crap. Heard it’s bad for werewolves though, so jot that down. Anyway, everyone decided to just throw weapons at Baldur, testing his invincibility. Obviously, all the weapons broke or bounced off of him and he was unharmed. But however, he had a brother — sometimes in the myths he’s actually his uncle — Loki. Loki was a son of a bitch, right?”

“This drama is very intense.”

“Definitely. So yeah, he’s a son of a bitch, and he wanted to kill Baldur for reasons that I can’t fucking remember, but they’re probably stupid anyway. Then again, Baldur was annoyingly perfect. Maybe I’d want to take a whack at it. Anyway, Loki knew about mistletoe not making any promises to Frigga. So he made an arrow out of it.”

“How’d he make an arrow out of a leafy plant?”

“No idea. So he took that arrow, and he fired it at him. Bam, the dude’s dead. In other stories, he actually got a blind guy to do it.”

“This still doesn’t explain why it’s above your door.” 

Though, Castiel was now listening with rapt attention, and he leaned into Dean. Dean just put a hand on his thigh, and started caressing. Their knees touched.

“Here’s the thing: Frigga was so upset that she decided that mistletoe would be a thing of love, and not grief. So basically, anyone who walked under it, would have to show affection to the person who was with them. Now, Americanized into our stupid hodge-podge of traditions, we kiss under it.”

“Really?” Cas sounded incredulous.

Dean lowered his brows. “Yeah.”

Suddenly, Castiel had grabbed Dean’s flannel, and he pulled him into him. HIs lips crashed into his, and they began to work at Dean’s fervently, coaxing him to respond. Dean did so, lips moving against his, tasting him, inhaling him. Cas licked at his lips, requesting entry, and Dean let him do so. He caressed Cas’ tongue with his own, his angel moaning at it. Then Dean reached out and bit at Castiel’s bottom lip, working it between his teeth till it started to swell. He pulled on it as he drew away.

Still, Cas didn’t let him, and he held the back of Dean’s head.

Dean groaned, beyond happy to be doing this with Castiel. He’d been wanting this form of attention for a bit, as well.

Now it was Cas’ turn to bite him, and Dean just grabbed his tie, holding on tight.

Finally, after what must have been minutes of this, Cas pulled away. “There’s no need for mistletoe,” he told him.

“God, you’re damn right,” Dean breathed, before going to kiss Castiel once more.

[lookbluesoup]

Fallout OC Interview

@robobrainmurdermysterytheatre and @quinndecker214 tagged me to do this LITERAL AGES ago! Thanks for this and IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG it got lost in my drafts I hope it was worth the wait //shot I TAG @nuclearvessel @ronqueesha @tarberrymentats @wild-w4steland-snip3r @daddyfuckinlonglegs @saltsealed @thewookieruns No pressure!!

Choose an OC.

Answer them as that OC.

Tag 5 people to do the same.

1. What is your name? Nathaniel Christian Wright. Maiden name Ronan, if, aha, you like fun-facts.

2. How old are you? You know I lost count somewhere after 240?

3. What do you look like?

4. Where are you from? Where do you live now? I was born a good ways South of here, spent most of my childhood there. Moved to Boston... before the War. Now I stay with Piper in Diamond City between work, got an infield view and everything! Never would have bet on that the day I woke up in the Vault. I guess life’s funny, hunh? I - ...I’m glad to be there.

5. What was your childhood like? Oh, nothing special, really. My Pa was ex-military, a chaplain. Ma stayed home to tend the house, and raise rambunctious sons. She was - good. I wonder sometimes whether she’d be proud of me, out here.

6. What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions? Well, I am K i n g of the Castle - a-hem, I mean, General. Yeah, just General. (//Ronnie distantly yells something about the joke not being funny the 80th time)

[[There are rumors of Nate being a leading Railroad Agent, but he absolutely would not admit to that in a casual interview xD]]

7. Tell me about your best friend. Deacon? Hah! What can’t I tell you about him! He’s got a two-dozen kids. Twelve wives. One’s a ghoul. He’s also a synth, but you didn’t hear that from me. Has an extra toe on his left foot. Those sunglasses aren’t a fashion statement, they’re glued to his face. Horrible accident, really. Inoperable. He can speak five languages, including Zetan. I swear, it’s all true! But, ah. He’s a good friend. Better than he knows.

8. Do you have a family? Tell me about them! My son, Shaun, lives here at the Castle. I wish I could bring him to Diamond City, let him make friends with the other kids, try to give him something of the life he might’ve had before the War. But I’ve got enemies. The Minutemen have enemies. Comes with the job. It’s safer for Shaun to be here, out of the limelight. And also, you know, with a barracks full of guns ready at a minute’s notice if there’s trouble. My men are family, too. Hell, I feel closer to the people here than I did most of my own blood in the old world. There’s also my butler, Codsworth. And Natalie, Piper’s little sister - well, she may as well be my little sister, too. But hey, keep that one off the record. Nat’d never forgive me.

9. What about a partner or partners? I’m a happily tethered man, bound for life to one kickass reporter, Mrs. Wright. You may have heard of her. 

10. Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them? [Nate seems more guarded] Yeah, I know them. That graveyard across the channel used to be their airship. I wish it had ended differently, but... well, war never changes.

11. Who are your enemies, and why? I suppose that’s a natural follow-up question. Well, most of the Raider gangs will attack on sight. Gunners, too. But we’ve managed to clear a pretty safe stretch between major towns over the past year. Since the Minutemen have established a pro-synth stance, more than a few settlements shut their doors on us. Lost a fair number of volunteers. But no violence so far. Other than that... the remnants of Brotherhood here aren’t fond of me, personally. Why? We parted on bad terms. Lets just - leave it at that. Anyone else out here can tell you the story. There are Institute survivors, too. We tried to get as many noncombatants out as we could the day it fell, but it was a battle. It was messy. A lot haven’t forgiven me for turning on them. [sighs] ...Can you blame them? The Minutemen have kept a running list of Courser sightings since then. So many still aren’t accounted for. Keeps me up at night, sometimes.  

12. What about The Enclave? I’ve heard rumors. None of them good. 13. How do you feel about Super Mutants? Tough bastards. I wish we could help them. I know they don’t all go crazy, and Virgil was making progress on a cure. But I haven’t seen him in years. We’re not - really on speaking terms.

14. Have you ever fought a Deathclaw? More than once, and never unscathed. Not bragging! It’s the truth. Take a look at this, [he rolls back his sleeve to show a massive scar running over his upper arm] Piper and I got pinned down, lizard gutted me and nearly lost me an arm. Also? Ruined my best flannel shirt.

15. What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in? Bunker Hill. What a hellscape. Between the Railroad and the Institute, things were hot enough. But somehow the Brotherhood found out, too. It’s a wonder Bunker Hill wasn’t razed to the ground. My Courser escort was killed in a Railroad ambush and the synths we were after escaped. I barely got out alive.

[[Nate actually killed X4-18 and helped the synths escape, but that’s another Railroad secret :’D]] 16. Do you like fighting? No. But I’ll do what I have to to stay alive and protect the people I care about. 17. What’s your weapon of choice? A modified radium rifle. I was a sniper back in my army days, it’s what I’m trained in. But if the fight does get close, this gun’s versatile enough to still be useful. Wish my loadout back in Anchorage did that. I’m fond of the laser musket, too - but you only get one shot, and then everyone will know exactly where you are. Strategically it’s too limited.

18. How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?) My winning charm, of course! [winks] And trekking all over the Commonwealth keeps me fit for when folks aren’t so interested in talking. Piper keeps the luck for both of us. I’m - pretty sure I’m cursed, actually.

S(6) P(7) E(8) C(11) I(7) A(5) L(2)

19. Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them? I suppose I should be grateful, really. If not for the Vaults, I’d have died two centuries ago. I’d never have met Piper, or taught Shaun to play baseball. None of this... none of this at all would have happened. [grimaces] Don’t get me wrong. Vault-tec was fucking insane. The things they did to people in some of those Vaults-? I was uncharacteristically lucky. There’s a reason they call me the Sole Survivor, and it’s not from winning some tv game show about living on an island.

20. How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you? My Pip-Boy has a Geiger counter built in so I can avoid the worst of it. But sometimes it can’t be helped. I always keep Rad-Away and Rad-X on hand. Other than that, I bring the old vault suit to wear under my clothes if I know exposure’s inevitable. It helps a little. Piper likes to tease me about that, but somehow I think she prefers me with hair and less than six limbs. Plus, my ass looks great in blue. Her words. Not mine. Yes, you can quote that.

21. What’s your favorite wasteland critter? The radstags, no doubt! [motions to Legs Washington] Look at those little extra arms wiggling around. Adorable.

22. What’s your least favorite wasteland critter? Yao guais. They are way too stealthy for something that big. I dunno what they’re eating up in Maine, but Far Harbor was full of them. Big, grumpy ones. And look, have you ever tried to outrun a bear? Don’t.

23. How do you feel about robots? I like the ones that aren’t shooting at me! Codsworth and Ada are friends. Isabel’s eyebot, Sparks? Adorable. I even got this hat from an old Sentry named Ironsides. Those Rust Devils and their junk bots though? I try not to fight them without a lot of backup. Got ambushed by a Succubus once. Not a good time. At all.

24. How many caps do you have on you right now? Why, you planning to rob me? Kidding. About 200, which is a lot for me generally speaking.

25. Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla? [Suddenly excited] Wait, does Sunset Sarsaparilla still exist?

26. Do you do chems? Aside from Med-X when I’ve been shot? Not if I can help it.

27. Do you ever think about the Pre-War world? Not as often as in the beginning, but it does happen sometimes. I’ll have dreams where I’m back in my old life, and it’s always... disorienting.

28. What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently? There are - a lot. I’ll admit it. Sometimes I wonder, if I’d only just - hm... Well. To be honest, I’ve been trying not to linger so much on what I’ve done wrong, and focus on what I can do right for the future instead. Piper taught me that.

29. What’s your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve?  I’ll always be proud to call myself Mr. Wright. If I can be half the man Piper tells me I am, I’ll consider it a life well lived.

30. What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world? Geeze, you could give my wife a run for her money with a loaded question like that! I want... a future where folks don’t have to be afraid of monsters coming after them in the night. I want synths to have a fair chance at living their own lives, as who they are, without pretending. I want Shaun to - be able to grow up. For myself? Everything I need is right here already.

[justanotherboyinblue]

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? coffee mugs! it gives me a weird satisfaction

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? chocolate bars!!

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? not a big fan of either :/

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? well i’m homeschooled so that’d be my mother the gist of it was that i don’t focus well and get distracted easily

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? oh bottles for sure cannot tell you why but the old fashioned glass bottles of like pepsi or something? Love Those

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? grunge i love it has the ‘i don’t care’ attitude basically just oversized stuff and a whole bunch of flannels

7. earbuds or headphones? headphones obviously, i’m a gamer what did you think i was gonna say

8. movies or tv shows? i tend to like movies better, but i do love myself a good tv show i think the pinnacle of tv shows done right is person of interest five seasons, i never got bored, it didn’t drag on, and it was always a good watch with good character chemistry

9. favorite smell in the summer? hmm either chlorine or beach smell because both mean i’m in the water And Ya Boi Is A Water Bitch

10. game you were best at in p.e.? i’ve never had p.e. and i think that’s my favorite thing about homeschooling

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? i normally don’t, because i wake up 11:30-noon because i was up at 3am and i need my eight hours of sleep

12. name of your favorite playlist? some fucken bOPS

13. lanyard or keyring? i’d think key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? uhhhhh literally all my favorite sweets are chocolate fuck probably cow tails

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? they all sucked and i rarely read any of them so

16. most comfortable position to sit in? either sitting on my ankle or having both legs hanging over the edge

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? do flip flops count?

18. ideal weather? like, 75-80 degrees with a cool breeze or alternatively 5-10 degrees with Piles Of Snow Everywhere

19. sleeping position? usually on my left side, or my stomach

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a notebook, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? i love writing on anything i can get my hands on, most times it’s a notebook i tend to always carry pen and paper with me because i Will Not Remember Anything

21. obsession from childhood? you know how people have like, a timeline in their head of their entire life? i did this when i was this age, etc.? yeah i don’t have that my memories are in a big pile in my head and i have to use like things around me to find out a general age it’s wild so i have no idea coloring? minecraft?

22. role model? any kind person ever

23. strange habits? i only shower at night, and once i get in my room and change into my pajamas i have No intention of leaving so i just brush my teeth in the shower

24. favorite crystal? amethyst? quartz? garnet? idk onlytherealonesknow

25. first song you remember hearing? it was a song that my mother used to sing to my brother and i at night when we were in bed, did you ever talk to God i’ve never been able to find it anywhere, but i love it and it has the Best Vibes attached to it

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? S w i m

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? cuddle obviously

28. five songs to describe you? uhh dear younger me- mercyme (Christian) the cult of Dionysus- the Orion experience lucky stars- Lucy Spraggan escapism- steven universe? maybe? sunkissed- Khai dreams???? bro i got no idea

29. best way to bond with you? over shared experiences, or a shared love of something just best way to bond? by relating

30. places that you find sacred? not sure old buildings, sites of historical importance, places marred by tragedy

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? oh boy here we go my tightest pants, obviously, my heels, and my slutty shirt or my comfy clothes i can kick ass in anything

32. top five favorite vines? i am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand. Posiden quivers before him! fuck off!! *BAM* this is why mom doesn’t fUCKING love you!!! please let this be a normal field trip. with Miss Frizzle?? un-fucking-likely Jeremy eat a snickers. why? you’re not you when you’re hungry. it’s gonna take more than that for my fatass meanwhile, in 1957. your honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile. permission granted. i’m gonna shoot you in the face. that’ll ruin my day

33. most used phrase in your phone? i have no phone but i do say valid a lot because All You Fuckers Are Valid

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? michigan plumminggggg, we’ll exceed your expectaaationsssss

35. average time you fall asleep? three am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

37. suitcase or duffel bag? backpack

38. lemonade or tea? lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? cake

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? idk the cat pissed on my brother’s papers once

41. last person you texted? moje rojenia

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? Hoodie Pouch

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? hoodie, obviously

44. favorite scent for soap? Manly Smell

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? mmmmmm sci-fi

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? long sleeve tee, plaid pajama pants

47. favorite type of cheese? Mozzarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? pineapple i’ll eat you out ;)

49. what saying or quote do you live by? if someone makes you happy make them happier

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? my mother made the weirdest fucking sound once, and i couldn’t breathe and fell off the chair

51. current stresses? school, driver’s training, some other stuff

52. favorite font? Kristen ITC

53. what is the current state of your hands?  ????? clean?? i have a ring on my right middle finger, some scars on both hands, my nails are short

54. what did you learn from your first job?  haven’t had a job yet

55. favorite fairy tale?  any of the old Grimm’s fairy tales  they terrified me when i was young, but then i got a taste for the disturbed and gore so they became perfect for me 

56. favorite tradition?  my family doesn’t really have any traditions

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?  gaining confidence to not be a complete pushover, quitting self-harm, realizing my first relationship wasn’t my fault

58. four talents you’re proud of having? i don’t  have four talents  i can color really well? i can copy drawings if i look at them long enough

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?  Fuck

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? something along the lines of kabaneri of the iron fortress or my hero academia

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?  give me something to keep and hold onto forever. let go

62. seven characters you relate to?  uggggggggh bro my personality changes every hour i don’t know  Sam, from supernatural  uh, Klaus? from the originals  ....  yeah that’s all i got

63. five songs that would play in your club?  dangerous- left boy  adderall- Max Frost  sweet tooth- Scott Helman  binary mind- ra ra riot  while i’m alive- STRFKR

64. favorite website from your childhood?  club penguin and jumpstart

65. any permanent scars?  tons

66. favorite flower(s)?  coral dahlias and bellflowers

67. good luck charms?  nope!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?  quinoa, mustard, and root beer

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?  without saliva your stomach would digest itself

70. left or right-handed?  right

71. least favorite pattern? whatever the fuck this one is

 72. worst subject?  math

73. favorite weird flavor combo?  ranch and any kind of roast

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?  probably like a 7

75. when did you lose your first tooth?  neither i nor my mother remember

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? Mashed Potatoes Always

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?  strawberries!! they’re yummy and have beautiful flowers

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? both are gross no thank you

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?  well since i don’t have my license yet, i’d have to say my license

80. earth tones or jewel tones?  earth tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? they’re  literally the same thing  are you asking which one i say? if so, lightning bugs

82. pc or console?  both! i prefer pc but a lot of my favorite games are on console and i don’t have a gaming computer

83. writing or drawing?  i’m better at writing, but i love both!

84. podcasts or talk radio?  not a huge fan of either

84. barbie or polly pocket?  i never had or liked either

85. fairy tales or mythology?  faerie* tales and mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?  cookies!!!

87. your greatest fear?  being abandoned ig

88. your greatest wish?  to live an apple pie life i suppose  my partners and i living in a house we love, in a town we love, with all of our fur babies

89. who would you put before everyone else?  the young if i was in a room full of people, relatives, friends, elders, i would always save the youngest

90. luckiest mistake?  posting my diary on ao3 XD  i met my darling Leo through it

91. boxes or bags?  f....for???   bags are easier to carry, but boxes are just Nice ..... see this is why i think i’m a cat

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?  i love sunlight and fairy lights

93. nicknames?  Q  that’s that’s basically it

94. favorite season?  fall

95. favorite app on your phone?  duolingo or pixel.y 3D

96. desktop background? school computer:

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? just my mother’s

98. favorite historical era?  anything Ancient  greek, egyptian, incan, aztec, that kinda stuff

[dysphoric-dumbass13]

guess what bitch. all of the flower asks. if i have to do it, you have to do it

Hahaha, love you too. Asshole.

Alisons: Sexuality? - Hahahaha bold of you to assume I have any clue. I like girls. I like guys. I like nonbinary people. And other people on the spectrum. I’m not pan, idk what though. Plus the label doesn’t really matter.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender? - I’m a demiboy, so he/him/his or they/them/theirs. Whichever, it doesn’t really matter. Though I personally feel more masculine.

Amaryllis: Birthday? - Today lol (January 13th)

Anemone: Favorite flower? - Would it be cliche and stupid to say roses? Because those. Weirdly.

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show? - Damn that’s hard. Between BBC Sherlock, BBC Merlin, Supernatural, Once Upon A Time, and John Mulaney (shut up it counts)

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger? - It really depends on the situation. I would give away clothing, risk my life, give them shelter in my home, allow them to borrow my phone, but them lunch... I’d do a lot for anyone. Even though I have trust issues.

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes? - “Yeah, the asshole who sent me this (love you alex)” - @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth lmao. Truly though? “Your destiny is calling, you better find out what he wants.” and “A half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole.”, both from Merlin, about Merlin and Arthur. They're just so gay.

Aubrieta: Favorite drink? - Tea.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - Meh. Sure. I don’t really care. The one right before that by like 10 seconds, 100%.

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love? - Yes. Oh god yes.

Baneberries: Favorite song? - Literally impossible. You are insane.

Basket of Gold: Describe your family. - A disaster. Both biological and chosen. I have 3 little brothers in my chosen family and all of them are younger than me.

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it? - I have 5. The bitch who sent me this (love you), Evan, TJ, Shiro, and Sid.

Begonia: Favorite color? - Bloodred and black.

Bellflower: Favorite animal? - Wolves. They’re amazing.

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person? - I’m not a person. But mornings fuck me up dude.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be? - A dodo bird. Because they’re all dead.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? - So many things. A lead singer of a band (which I might get to do soon, yay), a policeman, an fbi agent, a photographer, etc. 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children? - I love them, I’d probably adopt older children because they need it the most, but I love children so much.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why? - I answered this earlier, “I am afraid of spiders. Because they have so many legs and so many eyes and THEY DON’T FUCKING NEED ALL OF THEM LIKE WTF?!?!?!?!?!”

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood. - About 75% of the food my brother and I ate was Ramen, Pop Tarts, and instant rice.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? - With the people I love the most.

Buttercup: Relationship status? - Sadly single :(

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go? - Ireland. Without a doubt. It’s so beautiful.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved? - I answered this one too. “When I’m cuddling with someone I care about while watching one of my favorite shows or movies. Or just when I’m cuddling someone I care about. And yes, that includes my puppy. (Funny joke, I’m watching Merlin while watching Merlin) (Merlin is my puppy).”

Canna: Do you have any tattoos? - Sadly no. I will though.

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? - Two in each ear.

California Poppy: Height? - 5′3½″

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts? - Yeah.

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? - Jeans and a flannel, as always.

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight? - Yes.

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged? - Sid. He’s the best, honestly.

Chrysanthemum: Who was the last person you kissed? - TJ. He’s basically my brother. The person before that was Shiro, and both of those were New Years Day at like midnight.

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font? - Calligraphy. It’s so fun to write in. But in computers, Times New Roman for some reason.

Columbine: Are you tired? - *in Snape’s voice* Alllllllways

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to? - A good night’s sleep for once.

Coneflower: Dream job? - Lead singer of a rock band, which I’ll probably get to do soon!

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert? - Extrovert, definitely.

Crocus: Have you ever been in love? - This question was already asked. But yes.

Crown Imperial: What’s the furthest you’d go for someone you care about? - To the ends of the Earth.

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it? - Yes. It was a huge stuffed cheetah. Now it’s a giant stuffed bear from Evan.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign? - Capricorn. I was supposed to be an Aquarius. And I personally think I’m an Aquarius more than a Capricorn.

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering? - Not really. Other than date people.

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment? - I don’t fucking know. Winning the school spelling bee in 5th grade?

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? - I wouldn’t care. If I love them and they love me, that’s all that matters to me.

Dandrobium: Who is the last person you said “I love you” to? - Sid I think.

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at? - Idk. Singing?

Foxgloves: What is something you’re bad at? - Everything.

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened to you in the last month? - I got a puppy, I got my binder, I gave my (now ex) girlfriend the best gift I’ve ever given in my life.

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today? - Considering all I’ve done is watched Merlin, type this, and cuddle with Merlin? Pretty good.

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you're at in your life? - Nope.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two? - Die :)

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life? - In no particular order: @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth, Evan, TJ, Shiro, Sid, Merlin, BBC Merlin, Sherlock, Supernatural, Harry Potter

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? - Healthily? Dying my hair, listening to music, reading, writing, and getting hugs.

Hellebore: How do you show your affection? - Many ways. Mostly hand hearts, gifts, trust, and hugs.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of? - My flannel collection. I don’t know the exact number but it’s immense.

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day. - cuddling with my friends while watching shows and movies and reading.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time? - Read. Write. Listen to music. Watch TV. Cuddle.

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them? - ok gimme a sec.

@eyeforaneye-toothforatooth: They hated me when we met. We’ve known each other for... 3 or 4 years? We met in science in 6th grade I think.

Evan: We met in 6th grade. They noticed we had the same flannel on and commented on it. I hated them for like 2 years. Then we became friends, dated, now we’re best friends. I love them so much.

TJ: He was a friend of my best friend’s friend. Started hanging out in 7th grade, been like brothers ever since.

Shiro: Barely knew each other, then kinda “met” in 8th grade. Quickly became friends, dated, became best friends ever since.

Sid: Met him in SAGA this year. He bought me a binder, he’s the kindest person to me at my new school. I love him so much.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything? - I can talk to @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth about practically everything. I love them so much.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have? - Surprisingly a lot.

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? - Idk. “You look very handsome today.”?

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself? - What an utter piece of garbage.

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself? - My eyebrows? Idk they look cool, especially when I do them. One’s got a slit.

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? - All of it.

Lilac: What is something you liked to do as a child? - Sleep. When I could.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid? - It changed at least once every year. Paige, Sheyenne, Peyton, Chloe, the list goes on.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty of? - I followed everyone in kinda making fun of this kid who was a trans girl. I felt so guilty about it then, and I feel so guilty about it now. I hope she is living her best life now, and if she’s reading this I want her to know I am so so sorry. And I have felt it too, I have been made fun of for my gender identification. I am so sorry.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about? - Idk. There’s one thing I’m sworn not to tell about but the person who asked me this knows, so it doesn’t matter.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name? - My deadname? Means “grace of god”, because my family is very Christian. My chosen name? Means “Defender of men; protector of mankind.” Which is honestly just so badass. I chose it because I liked it and it was genderneutral.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it. - Fort Collins, Colorado babyyyyyyyyy. It was nice and peaceful and small and I loved it.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up? - Small. Always a disaster. Sadly shared with my brother.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? - So far? Sucky as fuck. I hate it. I love my friends, but other than that I hate it. I’m only like halfway through them anyway. It’s been spent trying to prove to my parents that I am just as good as my brother, who I happened to raise.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom. - Awesome. Sweet and kind, short, with red hair, hazel eyes, and freckles. She’s caring, and she was raised in a Christian house but she’s trying so hard to be accepting, to fight against her religion for her child and I love that so much. I love her so much.

Onions: Tell about your dad. - Kinda annoying. Plays video games all day and makes my brother and I do everything around the house. He tries to be nice and stuff but it really doesn’t work that well. He basically says he “doesn’t care” about the whole sexuality thing and gender thing and then he says stuff like “you can’t really know til your hormones have settled” and “Your name is your name until you can legally change it.” It’s stupid.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents. - Which ones? I have multiple. I have 4 grandmas and 4 grandpas. Tho I suppose they’re all pretty similar. Very Christian, yet pretty accepting. They love me to death. I have one super transphobic grandpa, but basically all of them helped me raise my brother when I was little and my dad was asleep from working nights and my mom was at work all day. I owe them a lot. And I love them so much.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it so memorable? - My 12th. My best friend Val was there and so was my friend Tei and that was it, and they basically got along too well and I was really left out of things at my own birthday party. It was annoying. It was the first time I ever felt true jealousy, and that’s why I remember it so well. I haven’t liked a birthday since because it reminds me of that. I used to like it because it was a day when my parents actually payed attention to me and were off, but now everyone makes too big of a deal of it and I just wish it didn’t exist.

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any? - SAGA club, he founded it a couple years ago. He’s super kind to me and he does so much for me, god I don’t deserve him. He bought me a binder. And he’s my best friend. I love him so much.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain? - Healthily? Getting hugs and cuddles from my better friends. I can’t really do much of that lately though. *cries in a corner*

Pink: Where is home? - With the family and friends I’ve found.

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? - Wow. Hard choice. I’d either kill Hitler as a baby, or prevent my own conception.

Prarie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them. - Sid if you’re reading this I am so sorry, and I’m so sorry for mentioning you so much. But I look up to him, because he is one of the best people I know. I love him so much. He’s sweet and just sadncaspdnnhciodsifcnsjxsojcm.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life. - Idc what’s going on in it, as long as it’s with my found family and friends. I’d like my depression, anxiety, and ADHD to disappear though, ideally.

Rhondendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child? - Jesus. Or life. Either one works.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life? - That’s hard. @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth, Sid, Evan, TJ, Shiro, Freddie Mercury, Elton John, or David Bowie (may Mercury and Bowie rest in peace)

Rose: What’s your favorite sound? - Music. Definitely music.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory? - When I was at our first organized rehearsal for OneActs. I just love hanging out with so many fellow gays (and yes, I am including the straight twink that is Simon)

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory? - Um, I don’t want to go into detail on that. I was 5. It was bad.

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? - A boyfriend lol

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? - Depends. In a relationship? Pretty easy. Any other time? Near impossible until I break.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine your life without? - There’s 3. Pie, music, and my brother TJ.

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night? - I doped myself up on melatonin so about 7½. Usually its between 1 and 4, if I’m lucky enough to fall asleep.

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning? - The people I care most about. My best friends. Also the reason I don’t stab myself through the heart. They keep me going. I love them all so much. They mean too much to me to hurt them, if I could in any way.

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job? - Living or school? Either one I hate it. I don’t have an actual job.

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing? - My flannels. Or my band tees. Or my leather jacket from TJ.

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. - I don’t fully know what this is asking. I guess the smell of worn flannel, old worn leather, grease from a car, hair dye, smudged eyeliner, and conjoined lips? Idk.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you? - Idk. Best present I’ve ever recieved was a binder. But I’d say worn flannel from a thrift store.

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now? - Grandparents spamming my phone with “Happy Birthday [deadname]!!!” texts

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the last few months? What were they called? - Idk dude.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year? - Dead or with a partner.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is? - Oddly enough, no. But I don’t think I want to.

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself. - I have green eyes.

Kass I hate you.

[galpalaven]

5. -- season

A little domestic, pre-holiday Nox/Julian fluff to heal your soul~

Buzzfeed Unsolved AU Fictober Fill, 900+ words

days 1-6 have now been uploaded to AO3!

They’re cooking something to bring to Portia’s for Thanksgiving, swaying to the sound of the radio quietly playing from the kitchen table, when he disappears for a few minutes, mumbling something about having a surprise for her and pecking her on the cheek, squeezing her hips as he goes. Nox wonders idly what it could be, considering her birthday had been a few days ago and he hadn’t mentioned anything extra.

Of course, speaking of extra, Portia did say they were going to be having cake for her specifically with the holiday dinner, especially since it was her first year celebrating all of these holidays with their family.

“You’ve honestly been a part of our family for years now,” Portia had said when their friends had taken her out for dinner earlier that week. “It’s the least we can do. Plus, Mazelinka insisted on baking it herself, so... ”

She had been celebrating birthdays and other holidays with the Devoraks for years now, it’s true, but she’s still never met their grandmothers, or any of their extended family. And this year they were supposed to be flying to Nevivon for Hanukkah and the New Year, which was sure to be a whole other trial she’s not sure she’s ready for. She and Julian have been together more than a year now, but she’s still worried about him feeling like they’re moving too fast—or not fast enough.

She’s moving the macaroni off the burner when the sound of Julian clearing his throat makes her turn curiously...

And she laughs at what she finds.

“You got me a Hanukkah sweater!”

He beams at her, holding it up in front of him so she can see the design on the front. She turns the stove off before she walks to him, tangling her fingers in the rich blue fabric and sighing at the softness. It’s thick and well-made, and she’s sure this will keep her much warmer than anything she has in her closet to take with them in a few weeks.

Especially since she’s gathered that Nevivon is cold.

Or, at least, colder than 50 degrees in December, which is pretty cold for her built for the beach on or near the equator self.

“Happy birthday,” he says sweetly, leaning in to press a kiss to the top of her head. “Now we can match and you can stop stealing mine.”

Nox laughs as she starts to shrug her flannel button up off to try it on. “You know the only reason I steal yours is because I love you, right? Wearing your clothes is like having you close to me even when you’re not.”

He snorts. “Yeah, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Mrs. Rutherford from next door suggested that I was abusing you by not ‘letting’ you celebrate Christmas,” he says, using air quotes as Nox pulls the sweater over her head. “You’re definitely not wearing them like a month early just to remind her that we aren’t Christian.”

“Hey,” she starts, voice a little muffled as she struggles to pull the turtleneck on, “that terrible old hag deserves to feel like she’s losing the ‘war on Christmas’.”

Julian laughs, reaching for her and helping her get her head and arms in the right places as he nods and says, “She does, but now you can look the part properly and we can be extra obnoxious about being a half Jewish household.”

“I still don’t think these will beat the look on her face when you wished her a happy new year in Hebrew on Rosh Hashanah and she asked me if you cursed her.”

He snorts, reaching up to rub at his face. “Should’ve seen her face when I was in the elevator the other day on the phone with Pasha and I switched to Hebrew specifically to make her uncomfortable.” He shakes his head at the memory, before leaning down to kiss her on the forehead. “You look good in blue.”

Nox hums contentedly, grinning when Julian takes her by the hands and steps back twirling her once so he can see the shirt better. He reels her back in to the beat of the music, settling one hand on her hip as he leads them into a simple, swaying slow dance. She buries her face in his shirt, inhaling the scent of his cologne as he starts to hum along to the radio.

In this quiet little moment, listening to his voice and his heartbeat and his breathing, she suddenly loves him so much it hurts to breathe a little bit.

“Ilya?”

“Mmm?”

“I love you.”

She feels more than hears him laugh, and she tilts her head back to find him grinning that crinkly-nosed grin she loves so much.

“I take it you like your present, then?”

She presses up on her tiptoes in invitation, smiling when he leans down to meet her halfway, kissing her solidly. “I love it. It’s my new favorite sweater.”

He chuckles. “Good.”

As he pulls away to go finish cooking, she slides into one of the chairs at the kitchen table with a quiet sigh. Following the broad line of his shoulders with her eyes, she says after a beat, “You know what else we should do?”

“What?”

“We should get Kala a sweater, too. Just so she doesn’t feel left out.”

Julian’s delighted laughter is all the answer she needs as it fills up the apartment, and she smiles at him when he glances at her over his shoulder. Kala hops up on one of the bar stools just then as well, almost like she can tell that they’re talking about her.

“We’ll have to start looking when we get home this weekend.”

“It’s a date, then.”

Nox really, truly loves everything about her bf, and that includes his religion and culture and the holidays that come with them. She really enjoys celebrating with him wherever she can, participating in all the traditions she possibly can (without overstepping boundaries), because she loves him.

and yes, i did just bring Nevivon into the real world because i can’t think of a place that would also have salt flats that Julian could be from/didn’t want to try to figure that out. sue me lol

[thenonconformistcurmudgeon]

The Age of Discovery

Preamble: I have friends travelling to Portugal and sadly realized that the sum total of my knowledge of Portugal was where it was located and the explorers Vasco da Gama and Magellan.  As my learned readers may or may not recall, da Gama found the ocean route to India around the Cape of Good Hope in Africa. There is a Portuguese documentary on Da Gama that I will be quoting below but to fully appreciate the man, the mission, and his foibles, a little background information is needed.

(A devout Christian and a loyal Portuguese subject, da Gama had no qualms about using violence — including against unarmed civilians — to force his way into the lucrative Indian and African trade routes dominated at the time by Muslims.  "The accounts written by people on da Gama's voyages portray someone who was, even by the standards of the time, a violent personality,"

Da Gama’s first major encounter with an African Kingdom was in Mozambique, where he was poorly received, an experience that would be repeated. Da Gama was following the example of Columbus, who had won over native leaders with simple European goods like bells, flannel and metalwork. However, when da Gama stopped at ports in Eastern Africa and offered items for trade, people would laugh at him as they weren’t impressive to local traders.  In Mozambique, the Sultan and his people were actually offended and started to riot. Da Gama fled back to his ship and lobbed a few cannon balls at the city as parting shots.

He threatened African leaders with his cannons in exchange for vows of loyalty to Portugal but nothing compares to the campaign of terror he waged along India’s Malabar Coast.  In the most horrific incident, da Gama intercepted a ship carrying Muslim families returning from a religious pilgrimage to Mecca.  Da Gama locked up the passengers in the ships hull, and despite pleas from his own crew not to do it, he set the pilgrim ship ablaze, slowly killing hundreds of men, women and children.

In Calicut, there were more skirmishes between da Gama and Arab traders. Da Gama responded by capturing 30 unarmed local fishermen, dismembering their bodies and letting the remains wash in on the tide as a message of Portuguese power.

After demanding the expulsion of Muslims from Calicut to the Hindu Zamorin, the latter sent the high priest Talappana for talks. Da Gama called him a spy, ordered the priest's lips and ears to be cut off and after sewing a pair of dog's ears to his head, sent him away. The Portuguese fleet then bombarded the unfortified city for nearly two days from the sea, severely damaging it. He also captured several rice vessels and cut off the crew's hands, ears and noses, dispatching them with a note to the Zamorin, in which Gama declared that he would be open to friendly relations once the Zamorin had paid for items plundered as well as the gunpowder and cannonballs.)

Now with this background, you may be better able to appreciate this re-enactment excerpt from the Da Gama documentary.  

 Narrator: We take you in the near days before Vasco Da Gama left the port of Lisbon in July, 1497.  As da Gama was provisioning his ship, a wharf peddler struck up a conversation with the mighty Vasco.

Alfonso the Peddler: Hey Vasco, you need to bring gifts on your trip. Can’t show up in a new land without some presents.  Got to show the natives some good will before you ransack their palaces, defile the woman, and loot the treasury.

Vasco:  Good idea. I don’t want to spend too much though, but it needs to be high quality goods. None of the cut-rate stuff or knockoffs. Only brand names.

Alfonso:  I only carry the best gear.  Ask anyone.   All along the wharf they say, I don’t know how that Alfonso does it, it’s like he is giving the stuff away. Look at my goods.  Top quality, top brands, real brass vessels, the sweetest olive oil, genuine top of the line cloth and don’t get me started on these hats. For you Vasco, 6 hats for the price of 5.  A good deal, you can’t get that in town.  Only at Alfonso’s dockside can you get such a deal. The whole megillah I’ll give you for 25 reais.  

Vasco:  The stuff looks good but price a little steep.  I’ll give you 15.

Alfonso: Vasco, give me a break, that’s way below my cost, I can’t give it to you for 15.

Vasco: All right, I’ll do it for 20 if you throw in 3 sets of dog ears with a nice pouch that I can put them in and tie them to my sash.

Alfonso:  I can do that.  Any size, breed, you are looking for?

Vasco: Whatever, any ones will do, a nice mixture would be nice come to think of it.

Alfonso: We aim to please.  Will have it delivered at 7 AM.  20 it is. No credit as we don’t know when you will return.

Vasco: I can give you 5 now, the rest C.O.D.

Narrator: So a deal was struck and as promised Alfonso appeared with a delivery boy and a large crate that got put in the hold.  To avoid having Vasco open the crate and check the goods, the peddler handed Vasco the beautiful bag holding the 6 dog ears and engaged in small talk.  

Alfonso:  Isn’t it a beautiful bag Vasco and check out those ears.

Narrator: Vasco was very pleased with the bag and ears and he tied the bag to his sash and since he was a little hung over from the prior night of debauchery and it was early in the morning, he forgot to inspect the crate.

Alfonso: I hear your going to India.  Not sure why since word on the street is that the Italian who sailed for Spain found the route already.

Vasco: Columbus.  A nobody. Total fraud.  Tri corner hat wearer.  That style went out with the philistines.  He came back with some people in costumes painted up.  Something you’d see in front of a cigar store.  No spices, where were the spices?  We need some spices for the gruel.

Narrator: da Gama gave him the remaining cash C.O.D but it turned out to be counterfeit.  Da Gama thought he pulled a fast one on the peddler. Little did da Gama know that the product in the crate were shoddy and cheap goods, not the quality goods he saw on the wharf.  The old bait and switch.  The vessels were not brass but just painted brass color and would quickly chip, canola not olive oil, and the hats were used, sweat stained, and misshapen.  The first payment of 5 reais was genuine currency so Alfonso still made a profit of 3 reais as the product he gave Da Gama wasn’t worth more than 2 reais and most of his cost were on the dog ears and pouch. Alfonso figured da Gama would die at sea or it would be years before he would return so he was not concerned about Vasco’s well known violent temper.

Da Gama didn’t open the crate until his first landing.  He opened it in front of the rulers and offered it as trade. The locals laughed and mocked da Gama and told him to take his rubbish back to the ship, that it was worthless. He then offered it as gifts in all other spots he landed but again he would be mocked and the locals felt insulted by the offering.  In the end, at each stop, da Gama engaged in wonton violence to get back at the ungrateful heathens.

After two years away, word on the street was da Gama was returning to port, just a day or two away.  Alfonso beat it out of town and headed to a port in Spain to sell his wares.  Da Gama returned to port furious and loaded for bear on the peddler.  Before Alfonso went on the lam, he sold his wharf spot to Diego the peddler.  Da Gama landed and was met at the wharf by his mistress.

Vasco:  Where is he, where is he, the lousy thief peddler Alfonso.  Due to him, I had to do a reign of terror several times because I was disrespected with that cheap crap he sold me that were leftovers from a rummage sale. I’ll torture him, kill him, and torture him some more.  

Mistress: Forget the peddler, don’t you want to ravish me.  

As she got closer:

Mistress: Vasco, you stink, all that time at sea, you need a bath.

Vasco: you peddler, where is Alfonso?

Diego: he left.

Vasco: Where did he go?  You took his place, I’ll cut off your hands peddler, if you don’t tell me.  

Diego: I don’t know. He sold me his spot, he didn’t leave a forwarding address. The dog ears, they were quality and I know I got them myself.  

Vasco:  You did? Yes, they came in handy and were top notch.  I may call on you again.  

Mistress:  Vasco, Vasco, Vasco.  Let’s go. The bath Vasco, please.

Narrator: As Vasco couldn’t tolerate his stink any more than his mistress, he left Diego and headed to his palace.

Alfonso slowly made a small fortune, pulling off his scam on the varied explorers across the continent.  When things began to get hot in one location, he would scram to another. He went to Spain, England, France, the Netherlands, and Italy. When he had enough money, he retired to a chalet in Switzerland, sitting by the fire eating fondue and drinking Schnapps. The varied explorers who usually were in competition with one another banded together and hired a private detective to locate Alfonso.  Each explorer promising themselves that once Alfonso was found, that they would go and kill him themselves.

Alfonso got a mail order Asian bride. She quickly got fed up with the fondue and the smell of Schnapps.   Alfonso remained true to himself.  He gave his wife what he described as extravagant and the finest clothes and jewelry.  However, after one wear and wash, the dresses began to shred.  When her ring finger started to turn yellow, she knew she had to act.  She poisoned him to death within weeks of their marriage.  She then inherited his wealth.

By the time the shamus found where Alfonso was, he was already dead.  The wife found Alfonso’s journals and learned how he cheated all the great explorers and for how much.  When her bank account started to lower, she wrote each explorer and for hush money, she promised to not publish them being scammed. They paid up, even if it left some of them penniless, as the great men did owe her a debt of gratitude for having killed Alfonso and they didn’t want their grand reputations sullied.  She lived a long and happy life and took the secrets to her grave.  Mysteriously, the journals were eventually discovered in the 21st Century in the Dogears bookshop in Goa India. How they got there, no one knows but it allows us to fill in the history of the great explorers.

The wife had children with the local constable. Due to being able to pass her wealth on to her progeny, her grandson had a life of leisure and was able to invent the Cuckoo Clock.  Without Da Gama and his brethren, the Cuckoo Clock may never have been invented and it is something else to thank the great explorers for.

There has been some question regarding the authenticity of the journals and an alternative theory is that Da Gama got the goods from a going away party and he decided to re-gift at each stop.  It is a well-known fact that re-gifting can bring trouble.

[yaz-the-spaz]

Yaz, hi! You know, I‘m personally not a Larry-Shipper/believer and if they come out, I‘m happy for them, if not, I‘m still okay so yeah. But you know what makes me sad as a Ziam? When we look at Larry, we see two WHITE people being shipped and loved and whatever, getting so much support. Then we look at the other couple who‘s as obvious as the first one. It involves a POC and somehow everybody dismisses that ship. Is it because Zayn is brown? Yk I honestly don’t know what‘s wrong with 1Ds fandom

Hey nonnie,

yeah like you’ve said skin color/ethnicity is definitely a factor when it comes to a lot of people being willfully blind about ziam, but it’s not the only one…

among a host of others problematic ideas/biases, one of the other biggest ones is stereotyping and because, to a lot of people, zayn and liam don’t seem to outwardly present quite as stereotypically “camp” (though obviously they do both have their moments, especially liam) as louis and harry do, it just serves to further feed into people’s inherent biases not only about what being queer looks like but also their presumptions that zayn and liam are both straight (because obviously as we all know being queer means you Have To™ present only in Specific Ways™ according to the Gay Rule Book™ and if you don’t then you’re not/can’t be queer *rolls eyes*).

so while the rest of us, zayn and liam included, are all

problematic stereotypers be like

and when we ask why we’re not allowed into the gay club they go

us: but–

them: *shrugs* sorry, it’s in the rules, wish i could help you but

and then there’s also the issue of marketing and public images. i’m gonna go ahead and assume that since you’re a ziam (and presumably also a 1d fan in general) that you’re familiar with the whole sony imaging debacle which of course only further fed into a lot of the biases/stereotypes mentioned above. but on top of that there’s all of the things done to feed into those images that only further exacerbated the problem, including but not limited to:

zayn not being allowed to talk as much in interviews and therefore being made out to be mysterious and aloof (whereas stereotypically queer men are more chatty and flamboyant more like h&l), being painted as a cheater a la 1dhq i.e. look girls he’s so straight one woman’s not enough for him he needs to have five and one of them needs to be a stripper in case the first four girls/cheating scandals weren’t convincing enough to prove to you that he’s a Real Straight™, and then there’s liam being seen as the dependable guy who can’t function on his own let alone breathe oxygen for two seconds w/o a steady gf by his side, and later on being painted as the homophobic douche bro who wears snapbacks and combat boots and flannel–again not the stereotypical image of a queer man–is 100% not gay and gets uncomfortable at the sight of gay fan art and larry signs at concerts.

never mind the fact that 100% not gay can still mean literally any other sexuality under the sun and it would’ve been a hell of a lot easier and clearer/straightforward to just say 100% straight if that were really what he meant but ofc he chose not to and you have to wonder why (lol @antis any explanations? i’ll wait). or that dressing a certain way says absolutely nothing about who you are or aren’t attracted to. or that if people actually paid attention to what he said for two seconds instead of jumping to conclusions he made it pretty clear that his discomfort with explicit fan art was not that it was about him and his bandmates or even that it involved two men but that it was underage girls doing it, and that his discomfort with larry signs was more about the fact he felt like the focus a lot of times was only on larry and not about support for them as a band or for their music than it was about his discomfort re larry and people’s support for it. or that nearly every time he or zayn have been pictured out with their various gf’s they’ve looked absolutely miserable, can’t seem to remember how to properly hold hands like a human or kiss for that matter and have repeatedly posted song lyrics and quotes and liked other posts alluding to fake relationships (drake’s camera lyrics; real eyes, realize, real lies; the zoems, just to name a few, not to mention them and their families liking, following, and reblogging stuff from ziam accounts and ziam fan art). and then there’s zayn whose cheating scandals were so ridiculous i won’t even get into it lol but i’ve rambled on long enough already anyway smh…

(*whispers* is she done?)

(nope)

so yeah long story short there’s a lot of gross racist/prejudiced people in this fandom just like the rest of the world and a lot of the problematic ideas propagated within the fandom–including stereotyping, racism and inherent biases about not only queer people/queer men in particular but also about zayn and liam as people–are often unfortunately reflective of that. so yeah some of it is partly to do with zayn being brown and muslim and the idea that brown and/or muslim queer people don’t exist (along with queer people of pretty much every other ethnicity, religion, etc. in the world that isn’t white and christian cause apparently they’re the only ones can be gay and the rest of us just don’t exist lol) which means liam by extension can’t be queer b/c he doesn’t “look” queer and the idea of him being attracted to/with a queer brown man is just ew and if he is queer then he Must™ be with another white man, like zedd, but really any other white man he’s pictured with will do just as long as they’re not brown and their name’s not zayn lol. but yeah there’s a lot of other issues at play here too…and good god i can’t believe i just wrote an entire essay about this wtf. it’s been a while since i rambled on like this in an ask though so i guess it was about time i was due for another rambling essay session lol idk even you’ll even read this ridiculous monstrosity at this point anon but anyway to anyone who does read this thank you for coming to my TED Talk. I’m here all week.

[stardust948]

Guitar Christian

Famous quote: "Anyway, here's Good Good Father" /// You never go anywhere without your (usually acoustic) guitar, but who even knows if you can play anything other than worship music. Your favorite music genre on Spotify is "Christian." You have a very theatre-kid vibe. Although you can be a little obnoxious sometimes, you're a lot of fun at church bonfires. You probably have a decent fashion sense, involving lots of flannel, hats, and skinny jeans. You genuinely love worship and experiencing the Holy Spirit through music.

This is ironic because I don't know how to play the guitar.

Rhoda, the getaway driver

Do you remember Rhoda? She was the servant that slammed the door in Peter's face after an angel broke him out of prison, objectively one of the funniest things that happened in the early church. Obviously she's the getaway driver. Like Rhoda, you're probably prone to overexcitement and unapologetically inept. Sorry dude! I'm sure you'll do great :)

Okay, this one was funny 😂

New uquiz! With help from the delightful @citrussunrises. 

Also linking to my Jesus Heist quiz again while I’m at it, because I still consider that my masterpiece. 

[they-are-there-upon-his-head]

Hi, I just really need to talk about modern AU great Comet hcs Please love me

an unprompted ask?? for me??? this is the content I signed up for

so yeah i’m just gonna make a big ass list of headcanons lemme know what you think,,, i love modern au so much so this is also a long post beware!!!

these are random as hell but are heavy on the Andrierre, which is good and bad because I love this ship but also I haven’t read War and Peace so some of the Andrey headcanons might be dead wrong

and of course feel free to correct and/or add on to this list! I’d love to hear what you guys have to say about this and I’m always up for talking about Great Comet

so let’s begin

 Anatole is a picky picky picky eater, he’ll only eat very specific things like That One All-Natural Organic Overpriced Brand Of Mac ‘N’ Cheese™

9 times out of 10 Helene is going to or drinking Starbucks

Dolokhov will eat ANYTHING but he still ends up going to Taco Bell way too often

he drinks too much Mountain Dew

Pierre keeps his shirt on at the beach/when swimming

he only leaves the house to walk to the local convenience store and buy snacks, and the liquor store to buy booze

Marya loves couponing

Dolokhov prides himself on his cool sneakers

Sonya plays the ukulele

she wears a lot of scarves and flannel and loves autumn

Andrey owns a lot of soft gray sweaters

Mary has a really old ipod nano that has like ten songs on it but she listens to it and dances while she cleans in the morning when her father is asleep

Helene wears athletic wear (track pants, cool sneakers, etc) for the aesthetic but isn’t much of a fan of working out

Andrey goes for a run every morning

Natasha uses the dog filter on Snapchat way too much

Balaga wears a weed hat and weed socks

there’s a 99% chance Anatole has texted “send nudes” in the last 12 hours

Pierre has a lot of t-shirts with random bands on them

Marya loves strong coffee

Natasha and Sonya share a room that’s decorated with fairy lights

Andrey works a bunch of jobs and has really weird hours

lucky for him, Pierre never sleeps

so they often go to the local diner together at 3am and get milkshakes and cheese fries

Pierre fucking loves cheese fries

Sonya had a weeb phase

Dolokhov is still in the tail end of his emo phase tbh

Anatole secretly loves Buzzfeed quizzes

Balaga is an uber driver

Sonya watches a lot of Food Network and HGTV

Natasha loves The Bachelor

Dolokhov watches roast videos

Pierre once watched vine compilations for 13 hours straight

somehow word got around that Dolokhov secretly has an embarrassing tattoo (something along the lines of “I love my mom,” perhaps?) but when confronted about it he turned bright red and vehemently denied its existence

Helene wears those Aesthetic™ shirts with random French words on them from like Forever 21 or something

Dolokhov wears Timberlands and track pants and snapback hats

he also wears his socks pulled up high like your friendly neighborhood fuckboy

Natasha has worn the same pair of Uggs for a long time

Balaga unironically wears Crocs (often paired with his weed socks and oversized denim cutoffs)

Dolokhov takes snowball fights very seriously

Andrey can drive but he hates doing it

he bikes to work and around the city

Mary also hates driving, but that’s because she’s deathly afraid of it

Pierre bought contacts but never uses them, he just wears his glasses instead

Dolokhov is really into sports, both watching them and playing them

his favorites are soccer and basketball

he forces Anatole and Helene to watch some games with him and they hate it

they just rate the players’ attractiveness instead and end up talking and wolf-whistling over all the commentary

Dolokhov is annoyed by it at first, but always ends up joining in and marveling at the muscles on these guys! look at those fucking biceps

Natasha visits Pierre once in awhile and brings some gifts and food (usually baked goods that her and Sonya make)

they just sorta hang out and talk and eat, sometimes Pierre makes tea for them and they have a little tea party

Pierre’s very awkward but Natasha is good at diffusing the awkwardness, mostly by talking a lot about nothing

one time she convinced him to let her paint his nails and honestly??? Pierre kinda liked it

he wanted to tell Andrey about it but Andrey still doesn’t seem ready to talk about Natasha

Pierre’s ok with it though, he’ll give it time. Andrey will come around eventually.

Mary swears by medicinal teas and herbs for almost every ailment

she also collects flowers and dries them and hangs them in her room

Dolokhov does parkour

Balaga runs a meme account

Marya has everything you could ever need in her purse, including napkins, Advil, hand sanitizer, wet wipes, tampons, pepper spray, tweezers, Beyonce’s entire discography, the whole city of Moscow, etc

Pierre has a lot of books on the French Revolution

one Valentine’s Day, Andrey got Pierre a locket with Napoleon’s face in it and Pierre was so confused until he opened it and he just looked so pained while Andrey laughed

honestly Pierre thinks it was actually really fucking clever and it’s kinda sweet that Andrey noticed how into the French Revolution he was

also, he had never seen Andrey laugh as hard as he did in that moment and that made it all worth it

Pierre’s favorite TV show is Gravity Falls, though Ancient Aliens is a close second

he also watches reruns of Jeopardy a lot and is surprisingly good at it

sometimes Andrey will watch it with him; Pierre gets all the history stuff and Andrey gets more of the pop culture questions

Helene listens to Lana Del Rey, Dolokhov has a soft spot for twenty one pilots, and Anatole is always a slut for some Britney

Pierre listens to Radiohead and other depressing existential indie/alternative rock

Natasha is a sucker for a good love song, Broadway musicals, or any happy boppy pop song tbh

Sonya loves folk music and anything with string instruments

Andrey is partial to some good 90s grunge rock (Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Weezer, etc)

Marya listens to pop music of the 70s and 80s music, stuff of the “good old days”

boy oh boy can she GET DOWN to Dancing Queen

Mary thoroughly enjoys Christian rock

Andrey secretly loves to dance, he’s one of those people that just kind of loses himself in the music and is just completely in the zone while dancing

honestly??? Pierre’s jealous because 1. how do you relax while there are people around you and 2. how the hell does Andrey still look cool

Pierre is either too self-conscious to dance or he just kind of nods his head to the beat, that’s all he’ll do

(unless he’s alone in which case it’s WILD)

Dolokhov’s dancing is basically just jumping with some fancy footwork once in awhile

Anatole and Helene twerk. c’mon of course they do

one time Natasha tried to teach herself how to twerk and Marya walked in and grounded her for a week

Pierre thinks The Shawshank Redemption is the pinnacle of cinema and will fight anyone who thinks otherwise

Natasha sings in the shower

Anatole loves chick flicks and has a crush on Ryan Gosling

he forces Dolokhov to watch shitty romcoms with him as revenge for Dolokhov forcing him to watch sports

but I mean they’re all curled up on the couch with their arms around each other and Anatole’s crying and Dolokhov’s laughing at him and they’re eating ice cream and takeout from the one place that Anatole actually likes and it’s just them because Helene’s knows that this is just Too Much™ so she left and she’s basically the voice of reason in their friend group and it’s really quite the experience

Pierre was in a really shitty cover band in college

Balaga is always high

Sonya loves oversized sweaters and leggings

Dolokhov has his ears pierced

Helene has a nose ring

not a day goes by when Anatole doesn’t quote Mean Girls

Mary owns a lot of those wooden blocks with random little quotes on them (you know the ones – they’re in any given Marshalls and dearly beloved by suburban wine moms), like “Be happy” and “Jesus loves you” and “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy chocolate”

one of Andrey’s many jobs is waiting tables at Applebee’s. Pierre has visited him there a couple times and boy did Andrey look dead inside

the only reason Andrey works so many jobs is so he can afford his own place because his father is a piece of shit

Pierre offered to help with the financial aspect of it but Andrey wouldn’t let him pay for it

still, Andrey ends up sleeping over Pierre’s a lot, not that Pierre minds

Old Prince Bolkonsky exclusively watches FOX news and he yells at the TV a lot

he eats the same thing for lunch every day: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which he makes Mary prepare

fun fact: Mary is allergic to peanuts

Sonya works at an ice cream parlor and brings home desserts for Natasha and Marya

Marya loves chocolate ice cream, Natasha prefers vanilla with rainbow sprinkles

Sonya is a butter pecan kind of girl, if we’re getting into it (and we are)

Anatole likes French vanilla (it has to be French), Helene likes coffee, and Dolokhov is partial to death by chocolate (or something similar)

Bolkonsky has to have peanut butter ice cream, Mary likes strawberry

Andrey prefers sorbet, but if he had to pick, he’d go with pistachio

Pierre’s favorite is cookie dough

Balaga probably found a way to make weed ice cream tbh

Mary loves scrapbooking

Sonya writes fanfic

she loves to read and wishes she lived in a Barnes & Noble

Andrey and Pierre play video games together and they’ve gotten really good at it

neither one of them likes intense fighting games but they do really like Mario Kart

Andrey plays as Yoshi and Pierre plays as Bowser

Pierre tried to teach Natasha how to play but she kept falling off cliffs

her favorite character is Princess Peach

her and Sonya dressed up as Peach and Daisy for Halloween once and it was really cute

Pierre has worn the same black hoodie for two years

Natasha runs an aesthetic blog

she also writes poetry on said blog

one of Andrey’s coworkers keeps accidentally calling him Andrew and it makes Andrey so irritated

the Kuragins can’t swim

Dolokhov tried to teach them but it didn’t work because Helene’s bikini kept falling down and Anatole wouldn’t go under water because it would ruin his hair

if Andrey goes over Pierre’s during the day, he’ll help him clean the house because Pierre has no motivation to do so

about once a month Marya will stop by and remark how disgusting the house is and before Pierre can even defend himself the whole house has been vacuumed, the windows are washed, the laundry’s done, the clothes are folded, the shelves are dusted, the bathroom’s scrubbed, the beds are made, and there’s fresh flowers on the kitchen table

then they hang out and complain about people to each other and it’s a grand old time

Pierre’s really grateful to Marya, but she refuses to take a compliment

let’s be real though, she relishes in watching Pierre keep saying nice things about her because she keeps denying them and he feels obligated to make her agree

Pierre has a shitty Toyota Corolla from the early 90s that has no AC and is being held together by duct tape and he’s afraid to drive it but too attached to sell it

Sonya has a folder on her laptop that’s just pictures of Tegan And Sara. that’s it

Marya doesn’t know how to whisper

Pierre loves the movie theater but will only go if Andrey or Natasha go with him

after the whole Anatole Fiasco™ Natasha and Sonya blocked Helene on Instagram so she kept making fake accounts until they accepted one of the follow requests

Andrey takes Halloween very seriously

Pierre bites his nails

Helene taught Anatole how to do makeup and now he won’t stop contouring

Anatole takes an obnoxious amount of selfies

Sonya’s wardrobe is almost exclusively from Target

Pierre spends an embarrassing amount of time on Wikipedia

Marya had a flip phone up until a couple months ago when Natasha and Sonya convinced her to get an iPhone

Marya hates it because she doesn’t know how to use it and it makes her feel stupid

but Natasha’s teaching her how to use it and it’s kind of growing on her, it’s just so practical and functional and now she has a pretty red case for it that matches her nails and

Marya goes and gets her nails and hair done every couple of weeks, it’s her mandatory “treat yo’ self” ritual

Anatole pretty much only wears pastel colors

Dolokhov pretty much only wears black (or very very very dark gray)

he has a black jean jacket decorated with lots of pins that he wears all the time

there’s a skull pin and one that says “Jesus hates me” and a Blink-182 one and an Obama one and a gay flag one and an eggplant emoji one and one that says “I love my boyfriend” and it’s fucking iconic

his favorite shirt to wear it with is his Batman shirt

Dolokhov likes DC better than Marvel, Pierre’s the other way around (is that what the duel was fought over??? lmao)

Anatole doesn’t care but he thinks RDJ is hot

Andrey likes both and doesn’t understand why everyone’s so angry about it

Helene has an extensive collection of bralettes

Natasha hates pants and only wears skirts or dresses

Sonya doesn’t think she’s very good at drawing or painting but she still does it anyway because it makes her really happy

Pierre once said “love you�� while talking on the phone with Andrey and he didn’t know what to do so he just PANICKED and chucked his phone across the room but he forgot to hang up and it turns out Andrey didn’t even hear what he said after all

ehhh hopefully this is pretty good? it was fun to make and made me laugh while writing it but let me know what you think!! and please add on to this post, i need more modern au headcanons hhhhhh

[memorylang]

Adventures in America, the Beautiful | #46 | October 2020

With Thanksgiving 2020 here at the time of writing, I reflect with gratitude on adventures I've enjoyed this year in America. Not even a global pandemic keeps me from finding moments to love and to share. 

In these tales, I bring you on journeys around America's West! 

As a Peace Corps Volunteer, I’d often received questions from community members asking me about my country, the States. It's so big with such diverse people from diverse places. One of my favorite aspects of America is its national and state parks. Of the former, I'd said in an interview, "These are bastions of treasured beauty." 

Like my earlier October 2020 story, today's tale highlights many months! The pandemic has led me back to parks as a physically distant way to enjoy our nation's wonders with minimal risk. I loved how even within the States, one can travel just a fraction of the country to feel in someplace unique. I’ll share about journeys to natural places in Nevada, Arizona, Utah, California and Oregon. 

May 2020 with Relatives and National Parks

My youngest brother, who’d turned 18 in November, graduated high school as my last sibling. To commemorate the occasion, an uncle and aunt on our dad’s side who were also my sisters’ godparents flew from Kansas into Vegas to see us. 

Our relatives always brought such goofy cheer. When my siblings and I were little, they'd take us on adventures or out to eat at places where our parents usually didn’t. As we grew up, these began to include national parks trips. I felt so excited. 

The last time our relatives had visited when I was stateside, they visited when I was graduating college. At that time, they'd invited my younger siblings on a trip to parks I wanted to see, but I didn’t get to go. They might have thought that I was busy, packing and goodbyes. They were probably right, though I really love a good trip. 

Well, with the pandemic, my time’s been freer, so I felt grateful to get to come! 

With Memorial Day in Week 12 (May 22–28), we witnessed distant stars and trees hundreds-of-years-old at Great Basin National Park (Nev.), hiked by towering cacti in Saguaro (Ariz.) and saw epic rock formations of Capitol Reef (Utah). As usual, I took copious photos. 

In Arizona, we also visited the family of another of Dad's siblings, who’d moved there. Our aunt had just received her doctoral degree! I felt reassured about grad school aspirations. A cousin and uncle were kind as ever, too. 

Overall, I loved the trip and our conversations. My siblings and I had this wild time when we drove in an area so remote that it reminded me of Mongolia. (Eek!) In many ways, I'd still felt centered in Mongolia, just visiting the States. After all, I’d only been back a couple months.  

Pentecost into June

The next week we had Pentecost, so I reflected on joys and renewals God brought through travels with family. Behind the Holy Triduum and Incarnation, I tend to consider Pentecost my favorite Christian holiday. I love how despite our shortcomings, God renews us to keep striving. 2020's Pentecost Monday fell on the fourth anniversary to when I decided I'd start journaling. 

In the following week, I spent my days cleaning through the garage while rewarding myself on mornings with treadmill walks and attempts through a sister’s copy of “Fire Emblem: Three Houses.” Week 14 (June 5–11) ended with Dad’s announcement that he’d married his fiancée, and shortly after I returned to Reno, Nev. 

June Memories, Reno and Abroad

During Week 14 (June 5–11), while helping my sister and our friend move into the new house in Reno, I felt a sense of how my primary identity have changed over my life. 

With my black sandals, blue jeans and pine/mint green flannel, I felt back in Shanghai. In elementary school, I grew up feeling like a Midwestern American. In junior high and high school, I felt like an Asian American. And by uni, I felt more like a Catholic, Chinese American. Nowadays, though, I feel more like just an American, part of a diverse whole.

When I think about (or people ask me about) places where I might like to live, Shanghai often comes to mind. Though, I feel like given time, I'd like Taipei plenty, too. To my delight, the week after, a friend treated me to local Taiwanese food. 

I insist, studying abroad is among the most important activities in which an undergraduate can participate. I suppose this is why, even as a Peace Corps Volunteer, I helped locals and others any time they expressed interest in studying outside their countries. 

Moments like these made me realize, perhaps I hadn’t readjusted back to the States much. 

Counseling, August 2020 

Mental health is a theme of my Honors College alma mater’s 2020-21 academic year. Week 23 (Aug. 7–13) ended with me finally getting a chance to use Peace Corps’ mental health readjustment sessions. I got to see a psychologist and chat about the communications challenges within my family and neurodiversity. 

We sat outside at a Starbucks table. At one point, the counselor gestured me to look around, taking in the many around us talking and going by, the cars on the nearby main road, those stopping and starting in the parking lot and entering the drive-through. The counselor described how we’re surrounded by people who struggle to wholeheartedly listen to each other. 

My counselor mentioned that sometimes the best choice we can make is to leave those who bring us down, even if they’re our loved ones.

He’d asked how accepting my immediate family was of difference. I hesitated to answer. Still, I remembered my younger sister had been kinder to me in recent months. She’d been studying cognitive science as an undergrad, plus she’d studied in Greater China before the Hong Kong protests evacuated her home. I felt like she was an Ally. 

Since I mentioned that I’m Christian, the counselor still advised that I work on my weaknesses if I felt called to it. But, he insisted more that I remember the importance of grace. People do not change people. God changes people. 

On a trip to hike around Tahoe, I discussed my findings with my siblings. I've still a tricky time ahead. But, we’ve all tricky times to brave. Wholehearted vulnerability helps us. 

National Parks, North

I like the quote, "You must go on adventures to find out where you belong" (Sue Fitzmaurice). Years ago, my high school student council had a wall-sized poster with the quote, which I moved into our writing center after the event. Years later, I still consider adventures vital. 

I'd reconnected with friends who had been like mentors to me in high school and uni. Turns out that they've been doing national parks trips. One of the guys had a parks pass. I got an invite and brought my family friend! I recount now our inside joke-laden adventures. 

Californian Wonders, September 

The weekend starting Week 28 (Sept. 11–17), we saw Lassen Volcanic, Burney Falls and Tahoe’s Emerald Bay. Shockingly, we drove closer to the fires’ sources, but the national parks had better air quality than Reno. 

On the drive, my friends and I felt quite impressed any time we passed Smokey Bear labeling Today’s Fire Danger as “Very High” instead of the more common “Extreme.” To some degree, I wondered if apocalyptic skies resemble these. 

We witnessed a comically colossal number of national and state forests but also devastated areas. I felt awed to see trees that fires so recently blackened. The sights resembled what I imagined could be a setting fitting for a climactic battle between warriors of good and evil. We drove on. 

At Lassen Volcanic, we hiked the scenic Bumpass’ Hell trail. I enjoyed the trees then how Sulfur Works gashed the land. I spoke in Chinese with some folks from San Francisco! Overall, I enjoyed the freedom and exploration with my friends. My family friend brought rice balls, so we had those as our snack by Lassen’s an Emerald Lake. We didn’t find a Cathedral Rock, though. 

By sunset, we considered Burney Falls our journey’s highlight. Those colossal falls beneath the world had water pouring from seemingly every pore of the rocks. I loved the soaring trees and the feeling of fresh mist. I remembered a national forest park in Hunan, China, to which my relatives brought me in the summer of 2017. Here and there, we took many, many photos. 

Weed, California, and Beyond

Our stop in the college town for “higher learning,” Weed, Calif., was rather comical since the Air Quality Index was 336 (considered ‘hazardous’). But that night that will live in infamy, my friend and I really wanted to catch the legendary Pokémon, Cresselia. So, face masks on, we ventured beyond our motel to raid and capture it. My uni alma mater friend’s refrain about me: “fearless.” 

The next morning, we all wanted to see Crater Lake, but with reports of incredibly thick smoke, we accepted that this was not our time. Instead, we returned to Reno, rested, then the last morning visited Lake Tahoe’s Emerald Bay instead. 

I got to hug giant trees, which filled me with joy. I love towering trees. As another of my friends said, their “fat bottom[s] … make the rockin' world go 'round.” We enjoyed listening to Queen, the Beatles and Bon Jovi on our trip. 

Coming Home 

After the national parks adventures, I’d returned to Vegas. My luggage had returned from Mongolia, so I’d all my belongings once more. Sorting these and Mom’s old belongings, I listened to a Marie Kondo book. 

I also had more yard work to do, which gave me more time to reflect on my counselor’s advice to take time away from my family. Living away again could help. I noticed that I often enjoy working with people younger than me. I suppose this relates to my affinity for teaching, during which I usually spend time with young folks. Well, here’s a story. 

Pleasant Lil’ Story 

A warm Vegas day in Week 30 (Sept. 25–Oct. 1), I was out in the front yard here clipping our palm trees when a large red van approached and parked at my neighbor's. As I continued to work my way around the palms, my back to their yard, I overheard doors rolling back and adults asking children to take inside groceries. I recalled the years when my family was like this before I'd left for college. 

“What's your name?” came a high voice. I paused from my trimming and turned. I saw a short blonde girl sitting at the street curb in front of the house, hugging a watermelon. 

“Daniel,” I called. Turning back to the palms, I add, "And you?”

She replied her name, which had a long /ā/ sound. For privacy, I’ll refer to her as Rachel. She asked, “Do you have kids?” 

Turning to her, I smiled and said no—That's a funny question, I thought to myself. I just live here with my parents, but they're away, I explained. 

Still with the child in view, I continued to clip palms. I recalled my Peace Corps service. Children would often ask if I had a girlfriend, haha. Such wonderful curiosity, they have. 

Moments later, the girl called inquisitively, “Do you need some help?” 

Larger than a beachball looked the watermelon to which the girl's arms clung, so I doubted she could help much. Still, I'd little left to do. I thanked her but respectfully declined. 

She still sat at the curb, so I paused. I decided that I might as well chat. I asked how old she was. 8, I learned. She learned I'm 23. I smiled, commenting how it’s easier to remember a name like, “Rachel, eight,” than “Daniel, twenty-three.” The girl giggled. 

She went on to number her siblings. She had many. I numbered mine and included my step-siblings. So, she added her parents to prove her family's larger than mine. Ah, children... 

She said how her family's having a pool party today, adding that they have a pool. She felt excited because it was their first party. 

I worried a little given that we're in a pandemic, so I simply reminded her to stay safe. 

I imagined her family must be new here if this was their first party. I asked how long she's lived here. The girl scrunched her face with her head tilted up and turns toward the street, thinking. Then she turned back and said, about a year. 

Her house's front door opened, and a woman (perhaps her mother) appeared and called the girl inside. I smiled and waved to both, resuming my work on the palms. Turns out I'd gotten new neighbors during my Peace Corps service. 

More interesting to me, though, I felt touched by the girl's simplicity. No wonder we must be like children to enter the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 18:3). Children make better neighbors than us grown-ups. 

I’d shared this tale with a few friends later that afternoon, Sept. 26. But, I’d enjoyed this moment enough that I wanted it to come through in a blog story. May it brighten your way, whether you’re religious, spiritual or neither~ 

More on this in November! 

Oregonian Crater Lake in All Seasons

Not long after the encounter, I’d returned to Reno for my sister’s confirmation. Starting Week 32 (Oct. 9–15), my national parks friends and I reconvened for another parks weekend. We made this round 2 (and 3) seeking to see Oregon’s Crater Lake.

American weather is wild. When we first came back, not smoke but fog and rain obscured our view. On third and final try, wind and snow challenged our view. Still, we waited. At lucky moments, we glimpsed Wizard Isle within the volcanic crater’s center. We still hiked the epic mountain trail to Garfield Peak. I loved its pine snow, low clouds and whimsy of the outdoor adventure. This reminded me of a trip my siblings and I took this summer to hike near Tahoe. 

Amid our Crater Lake challenges, we’d hardly places at which to eat. Thankfully, the day when my friends at driven by my folks’ Reno home to pick me up, my Filipina stepmom was just finishing baking a cake. She insisted that we take the whole cake with us, which one of my friends, also Filipino, recognized as a familiar cultural thing. Well, Tita’s cake staved our starvation. 

One more note on diversity! Since my friends and I were traveling through more conservative areas of the county, we decided to watch FOX News. Admittedly we’re fairly liberal, but we value political opinions different from ours. With less than a month before our national elections and the president having just gotten COVID-19 the week before, Americans wondered about his health.

Familiar liberal ideas aren’t the only solutions, nor are they inherently the best ones. By mitigating my biases, I hope to more clearly recognize alternatives. Biblically, one might compare this to Luke 6:42—addressing our faults before faults of others. Well, the trip gave us quite a break from our norms!

My Own Space

After the weekend trip and Fall Retreat at my college parish, I returned to Vegas to continue the yard work and resettling in. Having more to do helped me to feel fulfilled.

Ever since I’d left home for uni during August 2015, I’d no longer had my own bedroom at my family’s house. For the past five years, any time I’d visited home, I’d slept in the guest room, on a living room couch or on beds of my siblings who were away. Even since my return from Peace Corps this has been the case. I suspect on some deeper level, this contributed to why in the months since I’d evacuated from Peace Corps, I still felt this sense that I’m abroad and not quite home. 

Well, with word late September that my oldest brother might move home with his girlfriend, the boys’ room would become their room. With our younger siblings in Los Angeles and Reno, that left another room open. So, I began to move into it for my remaining months in America.  

Fast-forwarding to early November, I’d brought out my warm thick blanket and felt a touch of my childhood. I hadn't slept with it in this house surely since high school. Dad had bought it in Afghanistan when he was gone, serving the U.S. Army National Guard there. 

My blanket’s depiction of the sun in the night became my symbol after Mom’s death. Mom had often called me a sunny boy. Though I’m a morning person, the blanket features too my favorite color, midnight blue. Amazing how these relate. 

Good stories are like many Psalms—They end on proverbial high notes.

Holiday Hope

I began October accepting that it may be my last month in the States for a while. I ended it realizing I may have coming some of the best three months in a while! 

A stay-inside pandemic Hallowe’en led up to remarkable national elections. The States had had record voter turnout. I think it's wonderful that in this nation people can seek justice when we have disputes. Our country's checks and balances keep society stable. 

In other joyful news, my oldest stepsister's son is due mid-December. I imagine his dad will say many a, "Luke ... I am your father." I know I would! Well, both my father and stepmother will be grandparents to grandsons. Since last year, I’d met my half-nephew, from December, I’ll have a step-nephew! Lovely indeed. 

And, although I consider driving among my most stressful activities, I’ve committed to retaking my permit test this December. For, I cannot let fears hold me back. I can embrace a fuller life. 

Alright, for November’s story, I’ll touch on the national elections and Thanksgiving. Pleasant times! Still, my heart goes out to Mongolia, where they had their first community transmissions of COVID-19. Prayers for acceptance. 

I wish you warm feelings this holiday and quote Bon Jovi (2020), “Although I'll keep my social distance, what this world needs is a hug.” 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :) 

[malewifeharrystyles]

An Essay on My Sexuality

For 17 years of my life I thought I was straight. I was raised by straight people and surrounded by straight people my entire upbringing. The first time I met an out lesbian, I was 15. She was a classmate, a friend my age, and it was then that I realized two things: I realized that not every girl that liked girls were butch, and I realized that kids my age were starting to realize these things. I never questioned whether or not I was straight because I knew that I liked boys, and I had grown up thinking gay girls were all dykes who played with monster trucks when they were little and grew up to wear flannels and cut their hair short. I don’t think I even realized Ellen DeGeneres was gay even though she came out three years before I was even born and I watched her show all the time. So to find out this girl that I’d become friends with and sat next to in French class had a girlfriend was almost like culture shock to me and my heteronormative life.

I knew boys were gay. My parents were friends with a gay couple, David and Jason, who’s cottage we went up to one summer and who gifted me a teddy bear and took me boating. They were flamboyant and wore scarves and one of them was an interior decorator. When boys in my class growing up were labeled “weird” or weren’t into sports, they were called gay. To me, that’s what a gay man was. Flamboyant, feminine, not into sports. In grade four, it was a common thing for the popular boys in my class to fake hump each other or pretend to want each other sexually, just to get a laugh out of the class. And it worked, too. We all thought it was hilarious. If you were gay, you were either weird or you were kidding.

Girls liking girls wasn’t ever really talked about. It was normal for girl friends to be affectionate and hug or say that they loved each other. If you dressed masculinely, played sports or hung out with guys, you were just a tomboy. Liking girls romantically was just never talked about. The first time I’d heard any of my classmates say the word lesbian or talked about liking girls, I was in grade seven and it was an accusation, an insult. The girls I considered my friends were playing a fun game where every time I went up to them, they’d run away or ignore me. I didn’t find this very fun, and I’d chase them or try to talk to them repeatedly. Eventually, one of the girls said, “Why are you so obsessed with us? What are you, a lesbian?” The other girls thought this was hilarious, and they moved on from ditching me to saying I was a lesbian. “It’s alright, guys, Lucinda’s just a lesbian.” “Come on, Lucinda, don’t deny it. We all know you’re a lesbian.” “Don’t go getting a crush on me, okay Lucinda? I’m not a lesbian like you.”

I was near tears trying to deny it. I was so angry. I wasn’t a lesbian, I just wanted them to stop ditching me. I’d always felt out of place among my friends. The town I grew up in was very rich and very white and very mean. All the girls I considered friends were blonde and mean, constantly back stabbing and making fun of others and creating new allegiances trying to block others out. I was at least a head taller than all of them, I was lanky, I was just starting to grow boobs, and I stood out like a sore thumb. I was also the only nice one of the girls I was friends with, the only forgiving one, and they used this to their liking. They would hurt me and immediately I would forgive them because to me at the time, that was better than not having any friends. This new accusation of being a lesbian was just another case of them picking on me in a way that was supposed to be in good fun.

In grade 8, I moved to a new province and started going to an all girls private Catholic school. Sometimes it was mentioned as a joke that girls who went to an all girls school would always end up lesbians, but none of the girls I went to school with actually were, at least to my knowledge. It was the opposite, really. They would take any chance they could get to interact with the all boys school we were affiliated with. Because it was a Christian school, being gay was a topic completely avoided so as to not stir up any controversy.

Then two years later I went to high school and moved back into public schooling, and I met my first real life lesbian. So the rumours were true. They did exist.

I never cared that this new friend of mine was gay. If anything it was a relief, because she was close with a boy I thought was cute and this meant she wasn’t competition. Sometimes she’d make jokes about being gay, and I would be surprised at how easily she’d talk about it. Then one of my sisters longest friends and someone I’d always been close with too, got a girlfriend, and I almost felt like I didn’t really ever know her. Then my best friend of 12 years came out to me, and by that point I was no longer surprised. A few months earlier, this friend had confessed to me that she drunkenly made out with one of her friends who’s a girl, like it was some big secret when I knew drunk girls made out with their drunk girl friends all the time. The fact that she’d told me the way she did, like she was testing the waters, made me see it coming when she came out. Now I knew three lesbians, and none of them were butch, and I quickly became used to the fact that lesbians existed and that some of them were my friends.

At this point I was also growing up. I was 15, nearing 16, and I was becoming more and more aware of the world and the people in it. I was becoming aware of issues in society and the things that were going on around me. I no longer saw everyone as automatically straight. I started caring about homophobia and racism and sexism.

The summer I was 16, I went to a Christian summer camp back in Ontario. I’d been there a few years already as a camper, and my sister had gone for several years and been a counsellor there too. That year, I was to be a Leader In Training. Two weeks of leadership workshops, a four day canoe trip, and then two weeks of being a counsellor. In one of the leadership workshops, we had a discussion about sexuality and the bible. They beat around the bush, telling some bible story that had nothing to do with the topic, before we really realized what they were saying: to them, the bible says that being gay is a sin. Homosexuality was not allowed at camp. Gays are going to hell. If a camper asks, that’s what you’re supposed to tell them, and in order to work at camp we’re supposed to sign a contract agreeing with this. Hearing this, and thinking about it now, created a pit in the bottom of my stomach. This camp was my favourite place on earth, did they really enforce that? Did all the leaders at camp, whom I’d grown to look up to, believe this? A lot of my fellow LITs were upset, and two of them, one a lesbian and the other an ally, went home early. I felt guilty for not joining them, for barely even speaking up. I thought this was just the company that owned my camp, InterVarsity, I thought it wouldn’t actually affect the part of the camp where I’d be spending my time. So I let it slide.

When I was an active counsellor at Girls’ Camp, things were different. I still had an amazing summer, but all the staff were there for their last year, talking in hushed tones to one another and not sharing anything with me. I found out after the summer was over that InterVarsity had been pulling aside staff members and asking them to go over the contract again to double check that they all agreed to this. The majority of them said no, and were fired for it. They fired the camp director, the co-directors, a lot of the leadership team, before they changed their terms. They wouldn’t have to go home right away, but this would be their last summer at camp. I was so upset. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go back until they changed their policy, which I knew they’d never do. This camp where I thought everyone was so welcome, had been overtaken with homophobia.

When I tried discussing this with my best friend from camp, I found out that she agreed with them. She tried to tell me that being gay was a sin, she started quoting bible verses at me and talking like someone I’d never met before. I was appalled and shocked, and after sending her a long essay about how wrong she was, I never talked to her again.

That was when I first started really caring about LGBTQ+ issues. It wasn’t until it affected me directly did I realize the extent of how it affected anyone in the first place. I knew a bunch of girls from camp who were coming out as gay in light of what had gone down at camp. Before it was announced that America had officially made gay marriage legal, I didn’t even know it wasn’t legal. I had been so blissfully unaware.

From there I grew, and I started caring more and more about the issues around me. I was a strong ally in LGBT issues and I started learning more about racism, and I grew in the feminist that was already inside me. I started appreciating the sisterhood I had with my close knit girl group of friends, and appreciating the women who’d raised me. None of the women in my life were really that vocal about their feminism or femininity, so I started turning to celebrities for role models to base my feminism off of. I was actively seeking strong actresses to look up to, I was letting the amount of women in a movie affect my opinion of it over all, I was becoming less and less interested in the voices of the white men I’d been hearing my entire life and was looking for the voices that had been neglected throughout history.

When I was newly 17, I was comfortable in the fact that I loved women for their strength and their femininity and their sisterhood with one another. I loved how naturally beautiful they all were, I loved girls who were good at makeup and I loved girls who went all natural and I loved the curves of their natural rolls and their breasts and their hair and their smiles. I loved all of these things because I was a feminist and I knew that all women were wonderful and fighting the world just by being who they are. I didn’t think I loved women romantically, though, until I had a dream.

My dream was about that friend I met in my first year of high school, the first lesbian I’d ever met. I woke up feeling the traces of her on my skin that were never even there in the first place, I felt the warmth in my gut that she’d caused. I realized then that I could appreciate women not just with words but with touch, and they could appreciate me back. Shortly after this dream though, I started dating the friend of her’s I thought was cute back in tenth grade.

My relationship with this guy was predominantly physical, and while I was comfortable in my knowledge that I liked that with him, I also became aware that there was more. To put it frankly, I knew I liked dick, but I realized I would be okay without it. But during that summer with him, those thoughts didn’t matter to me just then, so I pushed them aside.

When the summer ended and I stopped seeing that boy, I came into my sexuality pretty quickly. I started realizing that I was actually also attracted to a lot of these female celebrities that I looked up to so much. My appreciation for women was also an attraction. I realized I wanted to kiss the softness I loved about women, I wanted to run my fingers through their long soft hair, I wanted to hear their delicate laughs and know I’d caused them. And not only did I want a physical relationship with a girl, but I wanted to have the close relationship that only came with romance. I wanted to fall in love with a girl, have her be my partner. I wanted to hold her hand in public and I wanted to tell the world how much I loved women. I was almost reluctant in the fact that I was still attracted to men.

I started coming out as “a little bit gay” to my friends, and they’d ask, “So you’re bisexual?” Yeah. I supposed that was the term you’d use for someone attracted to both guys and girls. I’m bisexual. My two lesbian friends were excited, and all my straight friends couldn’t have cared less. When I told one of my straight friends I liked girls, her response was, “Fair enough.” It was invigorating. I started slipping in gay jokes here and there, I started expressing when I thought an actress was pretty, and started sweating less and less each time I did it. I started reading gay poetry and gay written novels with gay stories within them. I started reading books written by gay writers about their experiences as gay people, I started watching more movies about being gay or directed by gay people. But I still hadn’t told my parents.

I was afraid to tell my parents because they were family. I could get new friends if they didn’t like who I was, but I could never get a new family. It became this big secret I had, when I grew up telling my parents everything. The more politically aware I’d become, the less I idolized my parents. I started seeing the flaws in the way they’d raised me and in the things they’d say, and I’d started calling them out for it. They’d be casually racist or homophobic or sexist, and they wouldn’t understand why I cared so much. They’d get mad when I’d tell them they couldn’t say the n-word in songs, or that they couldn’t use the word “tranny”, or that something wasn’t just meant for boys. My parents weren’t a fan of the language used in the hip hop music I liked to play, and they’d tell me to stop playing that “n- music”. They kept asking if my friend was actually gay or just confused, or they’d tell me about a “tranny” they’d seen on the street. When they found out I smoked weed, they were confused because they thought that was a guy thing. So naturally, I was afraid to tell them I was bisexual. With good reason too, it seemed.

When I did tell them, it was after yet another discussion about my friend’s sexuality even though she’d been out for two years now. They never discussed the sexuality of someone straight. I didn’t comment on that though, instead I said, “I’m pretty gay too, you know” and I waited for their reaction. There was a pause, and then a stare. I clarified and told them again that I’m bisexual and my mom asked things like, “How long have you thought that?” and the use of the word thought wasn’t lost on me. For proof, because for some reason I needed it, I told them about the girl I had a crush on. My mom said you can appreciate someone as a friend without it being gay, like this was news to me. She implied that boobs are fine, but did I really like vagina? And then she spent the rest of the night in an angry silence. My dad, trying to prove that he was okay with it, started making jokes by asking if I could still share clothes with my sister or if I had to dress butch now, or asking if I could still have sleepovers with my friends. For Christmas that year, even though by this point they’d gotten a little more used to it, I got a toolbox to keep my paints in. They said it went with my “whole new gay thing”.

I argued with them for a week or two, and it was awful. I was hurting so much, and I could see how differently they looked at me. For a while I wished that I’d never told them. Even now, though it’s been months, they still avoid talking about it. My mom always expresses how she wants me to bring a nice boy home, or asks if there are any cute boys I like, but she never mentions any girls.  She also told me I should make sure one of my close friends knows I’m not trying to hit on her when I ask her to see a movie. She told me to “not scare her off” with my gayness. She says I shouldn’t call myself gay publicly so boys know I’d still be interested. After I made a gay joke to my sister, she told me she was annoyed with all my gayness and to tone it down. When a girl asked me out on a date, my mom and sister both expressed disgust with how butch she was. My dad forcibly never mentions it. My brother couldn’t care less.

Realizing I’m bisexual was hard to come into because I was confident that I liked boys, and it never occurred to me that I could like both. For a long time I was afraid of the word bisexual because of the connotations that the word brings. It made me feel dirty and promiscuous and like I was labelling myself as confused when I’m not. Since coming out, things have never been clearer for me. I’ve found my voice and with each day I know more and more how to use it. I’m finally entirely myself, the last piece of the puzzle has come into place. It’s like a fog has lifted, like I’m finally home.

A Litany For Survival by Audre Lorde

For those of us who live at the shoreline standing upon the constant edges of decision crucial and alone for those of us who cannot indulge the passing dreams of choice who love in doorways coming and going in the hours between dawns looking inward and outward at once before and after seeking a now that can breed futures like bread in our children’s mouths so their dreams will not reflect the death of ours

For those of us who were imprinted with fear like a faint line in the center of our foreheads learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk for by this weapon this illusion of some safety to be found the heavy-footed hoped to silence us For all of us this instant and this triumph We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid it might not remain when the sun sets we are afraid it might not rise in the morning when our stomachs are full we are afraid of indigestion when our stomachs are empty we are afraid we may never eat again when we are loved we are afraid love with vanish when we are alone we are afraid love will never return and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed but when we are silent we are still afraid.

So it is better to speak

remembering

we were never meant to survive.