#Cause I love my mom body
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Today was cleaning day and omg my whole body hurts. My younger me would have been just tired, but my present me is realizing she's not a young and agile gazelle anymore, that age is catching up and l don't like it
#I should do exercise#Like toning up muscles or something#Would that help?#Cause I miss my young body#And it's not even is an aesthetic way#Cause I love my mom body#It's that I miss my endurance#I even thought about yoga or something#To loosen up my joints#i dunno#Just mind me and my mini existential crisis and me realizing that my body is not inmortal#Personal
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I showed my mom a Cross body pillow and she was like 'oh yeah well we can order that for Christmas'
#she knows about all the utmv stuff#cause I tell her about it#she thinks it's neat#mostly cause she knows I like it lol#I don't think she thinks it's cool or anything#but she likes knowing what I like and what fandoms I interact with#she knows what a ship is#also headcanons#she knows about the tumblr sexyman polls#she thought that was fun#anyways don't mind me gushing I love my mom a lot#granted about the body pillow thing she doesn't know it's likeeeeee weird#the one I showed her is SFW#but it's got a connotation anyway#which she isn't aware of#she has seen the Mpreg Cross drawing#sorry toffee
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it’s like. i love being trans. and also if there was a loving god he wouldn’t do this to me
#usually my mental illness is emotional Nothingness. when i take wellbutrin i can feel again!#and when the wellbutrin loses efficacy i keep the feeling but lose the good ones so i just unlock Regular Depression. which fucking Sucks#and a couple weeks ago i ran out of t gel and it is a controlled substance so they wouldn’t give me my refill until the full 60 days were up#which meant i had to be off t for like a week. and i was so so hopeful that it wouldn’t do anything to me.#but it restarted my cycle so i’m bleeding rn. and it is so fucking awful#it Hurts and it feels Humiliating and Wrong#cramps and stomach issues And dysphoria and bleeding. nothing more evil to do to me right now#and it’s worse cause i was done with that. i literally GOT RID OF IT. I PUT THE WORK IN. I WAS FREE.#but i couldn’t have my medicine and now i no longer control my own body. horrifying. so horrifying#wore a kind of ill fitting binder today too and it kickstarted Other dysphoria on the drive home so. messed up rn.#i just want to be able to live my life man. i want to have a body that looks and functions like me#and can feel things and do things#and doesn’t subject me to hurt in multiple multiple ways. that would be really cool.#genuinely it does not fucking matter if god loves me. cause if this is what i go through when he loves me#then i don’t want his fucking love.#i hope god kills himself actually#i want to wake up and just be able to put a shirt on and leave the house. can you imagine a fucking world#gonna try nd sleep for like five minutes and then go to dinner with my mom. i can be okay. i can be stronger than my struggles#i just need to be really fucking angry with god.#great time to be reading paradise lost#valentine notes
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these last two seasons of bones are wack as fuck
#my mom loved this show so much when i was a kid and we watched up to season 10#and the season 10 finale was written to be the series finale#so when it got renewed after that for some reason my mom just never watched the last 2 seasons#and in all of my rewatches over all these years i always stopped on season 10 episode 2#if you know you know#but i decided to give the last 2 seasons a try at least once and uhhhhhh no#in season 11 soooo many victims had the same cause of death#and a bunch more were also disposed of in the same way#not to mention other dumb shit like angela doing a facial reconstruction on a body without a head#and then a few episodes later someone suggests she use the same shit she used to give a face to a headless body again#and she goes 'are you crazy? there's no head'#and don't get me started on the puppeteer#I've only seen one episode of season 12 and by the end i was laughing over how ridiculous it was#bones#text post
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sometimes i have intrusive thoughts
#sometimes whenever my mom looks at me in a particular way#i wonder if shes gonna kill me one day#shoot me dead cause she dont love me anymore#i know that was a common one. when she found out i was trans#i was scared of being alone with my dad too#was scared that if i went alone with him on a drive#that hed stop somewhere and kill me and leave the body#still have those worries sometimes. including now#i remember the day they read the report and that was one of the few times i have ever feared for my life#idk. im feeling strange rn
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Just took the best post concert shower of my life
#I am fixed#I was fucking pouring sweat down my face and body it was awful but so fun and like I had ppl I knew there but we didn’t interact that much#so it wasn’t like. anxiety inducing being alone or anxiety inducing having to talk to people who will talk to me again#I sang my fucking heart out danced so hard I’m so glad I went even tho I’m exhausted cause I drove like five and half hours today and had a#big anxious doctors appointment and my mom drove another hour and a half with me in the car this morning so I was in the car for seven hours#today 😭😭😭 and running on three hours of sleep 🫡#I’m just glad I made it home fully awake I love you eating ice cubes from the gas station#also when I was picking up my ice cup I saw a cat outside i love you Florida street cats
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also. this trip has been making me fully realize how much my hypermobility affects my life lmao and like. i guess just how connected my issues are it’s almost like my body is a whole interconnected unit
#but not by my shitty connective tissues ba dum tss! anyway.#this has actually been several months in the making. and then years if you really think about it. but mostly this year ive been really#sitting with it. like yeah this causes chronic pain for me. it affects me day to day like every moment. trying to figure out how to#reduce pain my body has been compensating for so long i have to reteach it how to function. u know#and also i really would love to get some mobility aids for myself for rougher days at least but lol. money#maybe i will at some point or ill try to diy#ive been using a tip from tiktok it said to use a scarf and tie it at night. dont have a scarf so ive been using pants#and it helps sooo much with keeping my shoulders in place it's so nice#abby talks#and then i have to specifically try to position pillows to support my knees. what i really need is one of the like#big triangle pillow things. my mom has one and i would use it at pt. gave my knees and hips such a break ugh#i will say this is an instance where tiktok is really helpful bc having people who also have these conditions and#relating it to neurodivergence and talking abt the way it all interacts and genuine ways to help yourself#is so nice. bc you know a google search is just gonna be like You might have loose joints if your joints are loose. like ok i’ll go fuck#myself i guess
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Turkey day 2023 in the books. Cooked it all. Will clean it all tomorrow 😴 now is for zoning out in bed on tumblr with the kitties
#my body *hurts* but lol I did it!!!! I cooked everything! my mom helped me out a bit! I didn't freak out ONCE!#NOT ONCE! NOT ONE SINGLE TIME AT ALL ALL DAY I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD AND HAPPY AND NEVER FELT LIKE I WANTED TO STRESS CRY OR LIE IN THE STREET#I EVEN TOLD MY MOM I WAS ON MEDS AND SHE WAS LIKE OH WELL IF THEY WORK I'M HAPPY FOR YOU!!!#santino even came out and hung out! he stole a hunk of turkey someone dropped and ate cool whip off my mom's finger lol#felix however did not 😔 still working on him lol#but omg it was so nice! I didn't feel completely overwhelmed and awful and shitty#cooked SO MUCH FOOD oh my god but I didn't freak! not once!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THESE MEDS BRO LOL#no fighting! no freak outs! no crying! good day! fun day!#I even got myself a copy of the sims game I wanted cause it's on black friday sale!#but I'm too tired to even play it tonight so TOMORROW lol!!!!#erin explains it all
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i need to dye my hair i need to cut my hair i need to bleach my eyebrows again i need to shave them off completely i need to DO something i need CHANGE or ill go insane
#sorry im panicking for no reason whatsoever and need to do THINGS to my mortal body but like.#something that will not cause any actual harm because we dont do that here sir na-ah not anymore#also swinging a bat at the part of my brain that keeps telling me i need to lose weight because i liked my face better X kg ago#and also i need to step on the scale and check how much i weigh now cause what if ive put on weight since spring (i most definitely did)#also my mom keeps nagging me about going to that super great endocrinologist again but last time i went i told him i had an ED and he went#'yes very sad. anyway' and weighed me and told me the number anyway. but hey! he also said#'i have fatter patients than you its ok dw your situation isnt that bad we can concentrate on losing that weight later' so its cool :))))))#(its not. im never fucking going there again id rather rip my whole thyroid out of my throat with my bare hands)#also i really want that rhinoplasty but more than a failed surgery im afraid of betraying my ideals lol#its much easier to be anti make up or anti plastic surgery or preach about self love and acceptance when you're naturally pretty lol#anyway. fucked up mental state rn idk why it was fine an hour ago kms
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finally finished watching Strange World and im in love, everyone should see this movie
#shhh sharkie#i had to do it in parts cause Brain but i did finish it today and i fucking loved it#it’s so gorgeously animated and the story is incredible!!#omg the moment when Ethan is running off from Searcher and he pulls Ethan back into the skiff#and the mist just kinda coalesces around them#because the environment isn’t important it’s the conversation that’s happening#UGH YES SO MANY VERY CINEMATIC MOMENTS I LOVE IT#also there was a part of me that clocked the reveal in a good way#it was very good foreshadowing especially if you’re already familiar with the shape forms#i was like that looks like x cell or y body process#(but i also have degrees in biology so i had a leg up with that prior knowledge)#ANYWAY I LOVED IT#also the metaphor with the card game#that there is no good or bad side it’s just making a successful civilization.#the mountains don’t need to be conquered the energy plant isn’t an altruistic miracle#neither of them are maliciously bad dads they both just let their own goals overshadow their family members#UGH OKAY ANYWAY COULD TALK FOR A WHILE AND ITS DEFINITELY A MOVIE I NEED TO FORCE MY FAMILY TO WATCH#like when we had an argument with my parents (mom specifically)#and then the next family movie night we had we watched Onward#which is about family and how important family is because you never know how long you have with them#and petty bs isn’t worth it and you should appreciate the time you have together#or at least be mindful of that time and try not to let things go unsaid#etc etc etc anyway mom cried but she still didn’t apologize cause when would she ever it’s fine
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like if I’m completely honest with myself, yes I would have done the same thing. especially if the person who I love didn’t choose to die themselves. it would be different tho if said person got a choice in the matter, if they said “I want to do this, even if I die, I want to try and you have to accept that” I would have done it for them but if they explicitly told me so even if it crushed my heart.
#like I’ve had this conversation with my mom. she told me if she ever has to be like disconnected I have to do it and accept she wants to#donate everything that can be donated from her body. she doesn’t want to stay plugged into a machine just bc she might wake up. she told me#so herself and though fuck that would fucking suck I’m gonna have to accept her wishes#we know Ellie didn’t give her consent and they should have asked her and have Joel there with her to say goodbye and all but the way they#handled it made the worst come out of Joel which is also his best cause this man loves too much and it clouds his judgement#and I know love would cloud mine for sure#tlou spoilers
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Round of applause for Alex, I’m going to bed before 1am 👏👏👏👏
#well after I put on my pyjama it will probably be 1am but that’s still great for me jcndjdnd#will I fell asleep before 4 am though ? still have to found out 🤪#please wish me luck im’ exhausted my body is in ruin#also please send someone to beat up my neighbours if they start playing their music before 11am#cause they are capable of doing so and you are all probably aware of how loud they fucking are I said it enough time 😭#i hate them so much#they probably gonna make me up at 11 like all day this week cause idk what they are doing but it’s like they are dropping a bowling ball#every 5 minute in the room above me I’m tired#you probably think i exaggerate but I’m not i never met anyone as loud as they are I can’t even believe it myself#my dad had enough and left a note on their door translated cause they woke up my mom at like 6-7am the same way to the point she yelled and#hit the ceiling which we never done cause we don’t want problems we want peace 😭#but if they still continue to be as loud it’s gonna be a call to the landlord cause the neighbour above them is also tired of the music#and if we call the landlord they will be force to move out cause it’s their 3rd warning since they moved here 😅#and they only moved her in like April ??? pretty sure the previous one moved in April idk but I miss him so much I want him back 💔#anyway Goodnight it’s gonna turn 1 am in 5 minutes love y’all 💓#well fast edit they are doing right what they are doing on the morning so I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for a while unless the fact#that I’m exhausted take control of my body 🤪#I jumped 3 times in 5 minutes 🤪#alex.txt
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"why is everyone in your family always having a medical or psychiatric emergency" idk. the economy.
#my mom's family got the bad brain genes and my dad's family got the bad body genes but now they seem to be sharing the problems#its the reason i want to earn X amount of money per month cause their surgeries always cost 15 mil reais id love if i could pay for it#and they could get the surgery right away#or their mental health treatment costs like 3k per year i wanna pay for at least mom's and dad's if i can
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this CANNOT continue 😐👎 (waking up crying every second morning or so)
#for a while now i've woken up with a wet pillow n face & a pounding headache every like. 2 or 3 days bc i was crying in my sleep and idk how#to prevent it or what's even causing it someone HELP this needs to stop.. + on top of that i woke up with a nosebleed this morning like#okay. @ body why r you insistent on battling me even when i'm supposed to be resting 🧐🤨#i'm also bruising more easily AND the indents u get on ur skin from prolonged contact with smth like sleep creases on ur face or the lines#ur socks make on ur legs are appearing quicker and lasting longer. like yesterday i was texting my mom that i'd be home later irt the train#situations & i was supporting my phone with my pinky finger and when i was done there was literally an imprint of the phone on my finger#when i'd only been holding it for like 45 seconds.........#r.txt#anyway goodd morninggg everyone ❣ i'm not concerned abt this at all 💪<- if i say that enough times maybe it comes true peace n love 🙏🙏🙏
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I said I was writing a novel to someone
and they were like "oh that's good! Writings a good way to process what you've been through" and hoo boy right then did it slam home that to a medical professional it would seem I got health problem related trauma out the wazoo
#rant#ToT i was like. she thinks... i write... to cope with nearly dying in the hospital and starving months and being cut up a lot and in#a bunch of stupid sucky internal pain???#i mean. i wouldnt say i Dont have medical trauma....#when i read The Body Keeps the Score i realized i probably had some even from birth#the whole premie baby unit thing. then a heart problem taking all my calories to keep me alivr making me a tiny child with chest pain#age 5 birthday appendicitis and mu mom told me i didnt even cry i just said to her i was sad i couldnt play#age 8 heart surgery Fixing the lifelong to that point bullshit so i gained 100 lbs almost innediately once body could STORE ENERGY and#wasnt nearly dying nonstop. age 17 mental health decided to try and kill me for several years which id say was worse but not medical?#then fixed mental uealth and GALBLADDER tried to hurt me nonstop agh#then this gastroparesis etc gi bullshit#anyway. um yes i suppose there may be somr medical trauma compoundint the ptsd for other reasons lmao#but. i write cause... i like silly queer morally grey faeries...#and explorint the idea of who is a#person how much can someone change before they cease to be them. and there can be love and safety#and community and better days even if we go thru suffering or feel everyrhing is The Worst#shdjdj but yeah at physical therapy she was like ah yes youre in mega pain daily#writing is a GREAT OUTLET#dhdhdjfj???!!!!#dude no i want to do boxing now thats an outlet. i need to hit stuff#dancing is my actual outlet btw. unless im too injured to dance :c then mentally im WANTING to dance
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I like that there are more faks every second. Useless lore.
#it matters to me#rays of light and love#people ask me cause i cook and watch this show and have a family history in the business#did you consider this career#FUCK NO#wouldve been dead by now#not to mention growing up and watching it destory my moms bodys and her friends lives lol#rough shit#anyway#this show is inducing#point blank#it reminds me of childhood#the bear
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