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my apology letter
PAIRING ↬ boyfriend!zhong chenle x fem!reader
TAGS ↬ heavy angst. some fluff. no happy ending this is a breakup fic you have been warned
SUMMARY ↬ Chenle always thought that love truly wins all. Your relationship with him was filled with joy and connection. But lately, cracks have begun form. Between small misunderstandings, unspoken frustrations, and the growing sense that he’s not enough for you, Chenle begins to doubt his theory. Is love enough to bridge the gaps between you or is letting go the ultimate act of love?
WORD COUNT ↬ 3.0k+
AUTHOR’S NOTE ↬ i'm sorry in advance !!!! not really. suffer. happy birthday chenle. i hate (love) you so. very. very. much. title and fic based on my apology letter by kim yeon woo!
PLAYLIST ↬ my apology letter - kim yeon woo, who - lauv (feat. bts), lie with you - ten, line without a hook - ricky montgomery, the scientist - coldplay
CHENLE SITS DOWN, AND BEGINS WRITING HIS LETTER.
He’s lost track of how many times he’s sat in this exact seat. It used to be different. So different. At first it was nice. You were beautiful in every way possible. Kind, patient, and thoughtful. You always made him feel like the most important person in the world, even while surrounded by others. This table was a place of warmth, laughter, and love. Now the mood was only as tense as ever.
He takes a deep breath, letting his thoughts consume him as he begins to write.
I miss your laugh. I miss making you laugh. I miss that joyous echo of good times I could feel around the apartment, and I swear to god it was my favorite sound ever. I miss that. I miss us.
He remembers how the mornings would go. You’d both sit at the table, sharing a simple warm breakfast that you or him had prepared. All that really seemed to matter was the two of you in that moment of time.
He looked at you, the sunlight reflecting off of your face. You were always smiling at your phone, lips quirking as your fingers began typing. You placed your phone against your chest after hitting send, waiting for him to react.
As Chenle was absentmindedly scrolling through the news, he noticed a notification pop up on his screen.
My Love: “You okay? You’ve been quiet today.”
Quiet, huh? You always enjoyed texting him to get his attention. Thought it was funny. He looked up to see you smiling at him with a concerned expression. Not wanting you to worry too much Chenle smiled and shook his head, but did not say anything else.
The two of you continued eating in silence.
Chenle sets down the pen, this burden in his chest growing heavier. Where did it all go wrong with you two?
The two of you used to be inseparable. Days consisted of stolen glances, shared jokes, silly photos and videos, small moments that brought this intimacy together. Now, you barely interact with each other, barely talk to each other. His mind drifts to details of last night.
You sat on the floor, folding the laundry in front of the TV. Your movements were slow and graceful, thoughtfully folding every article of clothing. Chenle sat on the couch behind you, staring mindlessly at the TV, playing some show he couldn’t care less about. He didn’t look at you, you didn’t look at him.
The silence was tense and deafening, yet neither of you made moves to break it.
Chenle picks up the pen again with a stronger grip.
I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how to fix it. Actually, that’s a lie. I do. But maybe I’m not cut out for that. I know I’m losing you, and it feels like I’m losing myself too.
Chenle’s mind drifts to a day where everything seemed perfect, but always something tugging at the back of his mind.
The amusement park date. Your laughter was vibrant and warm, eyes sparked with determination as you tossed beanbags, threw balls at cans, aimed darts, always determined to best him. The two of you definitely had a competitive streak, but Chenle always made the sacrifice for you. You ended up winning a small stuffed dolphin, holding it high above your head like a trophy.
Chenle mock pouted, and laughed, “Guess I’ll stick to basketball.” He pulled you into his arms, the dolphin nearly squished between you as he pecked your cheek, while the two of you broke out into fits of giggles.
But even in the moment of happiness and joy, there was still something eating at him from inside.
Chenle grips his pen tighter as he recalls those fleeting moments of joy, moments that now feel bittersweet. He lets the ink flow on the paper again, writing some more.
I think about how happy we’ve been, and yet there’s always this weight, this worry I can’t stop thinking about. Even in our brightest moments, something felt... off. It’s not because of you, but because of me. It's slowly destroying me.
Later that evening, the two of you had dinner at your favorite restaurant. Chenle thinks about the way your face lit up when the waiter placed your meal in front of you. He could never get over these small things that you did that make his heart feel giddy as well.
You slipped out your phone and took a photo of the meal, sending it to him with a caption to the photo.
My Love: [Photo Attached]
My Love: "We should make this at home sometime! You’re practically a chef. 😊"
Chenle chuckled, replying out loud, “Only if you clean it up afterwards.”
You smirked and rolled your eyes, ignoring him as you dove into your meal. For a while, everything felt easy, like it used to.
But then you got home.
It started with something small. Just a simple misunderstanding about weekend plans. Chenle couldn’t even remember the exact details now, only how frustrated he felt when his words seemed to fall short. He’d tried to explain, stumbling over his thoughts, but the look on your face never changed. You remained calm, patient, nodding along as if you understood every word.
You always did that—nodded and smiled. But had you really understood him?
Chenle sets the pen down again, and stares at the words he just wrote on the page.
"You always tried to meet me where I was, even when I couldn’t meet you halfway. I see that now. And I hate that I didn’t see it sooner."
He swallows hard, glancing toward the bedroom door. The stuffed dolphin you won that day lay peacefully tucked away in the closet. It reminds you of the time when things were simpler, or maybe just felt that way.
He stares at the words, hoping they’ll somehow fix what’s broken. But words alone aren’t enough.
They never have been.
Chenle’s been so lost in his memories and thoughts that he hasn’t noticed how much time has passed. He lifts his head and sees you standing in the kitchen. You’ve been here the whole time.
Preparing a lunch for the two of you, you move quietly, chopping the vegetables and stirring a pot on the stove. He barely hears your movements, soft and careful. He wonders if you feel the tension between you two as acutely as he does.
And for that moment, he just watches you. Your posture is relaxed, your head tilted slightly as if you’re caught in your own world. You seem so at peace, and it breaks him.
Chenle wants to reach out to you. To stop this moment from becoming what he knows it has to be. He wants to take your hand, to hold on to you just a little longer. But he knows that’s selfish. This cannot wait.
He swallows hard, his throat tightening as he tears his gaze away from you. His hands clenched into fists on the table, fingers trembling slightly. This is it.
Taking a deep breath, Chenle forces himself to speak. His voice is low, almost breaking, the words that come out of his mouth are barely audible.
“Y/N, let’s break up.”
Chenle had been distant lately, but you didn’t press him. He always had this quiet side to him, and you figured he’d come around when he was ready. You trusted him.
Lunch was extra special today. You were making tteok-bokki—Chenle’s favorite. It wasn’t a particularly hard dish, but he appreciated the effort you put in for it. You focused on the ingredients, the soft sizzle of the stove and the aroma that filled the kitchen. Smells like these made everything feel brighter.
You lost yourself in the rhythm of cooking, chopping vegetables and stirring the sauce until it thickened just right. He had taught you how to make the dish originally, cooking it to perfection until you got it just the way he liked it.
You glanced over your shoulder at him briefly. He was at the dining table, hunched over something. A notebook? His phone? You couldn’t tell. He didn’t look up.
It wasn’t like him to be so withdrawn. He’d always try—he’d send funny memes or silly videos to make you smile. Lately, though, his texts had seemed less and less. You told yourself he was just busy, and would make time as usual to make it up to you.
When the food was nearly ready, you began washing the dishes in the sink, suddenly remembering something you’d been meaning to ask. You turned around, leaning slightly on the counter, and smiled.
“Chenle,” you said, your voice soft but clear. “Take off early for work today and let’s go out to eat dinner together, alright?”
Your hands begin to move, signing something quickly as you mouthed the words out, the gestures being full of emotion to convey your thoughts and feelings. It was your way of making sure he understood. He didn’t know a lot of sign language, but he always made the effort to try and guess.
He initially looked at you with a serious face, his lips in a tight thin line. His eyes were conflicted. Why he looked so pained for some reason, you had no idea. But as soon as you started signing his lips curved into a smile once more, a familiar smile that you loved looking at all day long.
Eventually after no reaction, Chenle seemed to process your words and nodded his head. He held his hand up in a ‘ok’ position to ensure that he had understood and got the memo.
Pleased with his response, you turned back around and finished up your task in the kitchen.
Chenle had asked you to prepare him lunch. You suggested his favorite. He needed this moment to himself, to let the words leave his mouth and test the weight of them in the air.
“Let’s break up,” he had whispered while your back was turned. The words had tasted bitter, like ash on his tongue, their weight heavier than he could have anticipated.
But you hadn’t heard him.
You’d been deaf since the moment he met you. He could still remember your first conversation. It was brief and awkward, with you typing out sentences on your phone and holding the screen in front of him. He’d smiled at how patient you were. A patience you still had today. From that moment, he was hooked.
Yet now, after all this time, he hated himself for how little he’d tried to understand you better.
Chenle leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. The guilt felt like a heavy weight, weighing his shoulders down.
He loved you. God, he loved you so much. But it wasn’t enough. Love alone wasn’t enough to bridge the gap of happiness between the two of you.
He thought about all the times you had signed something to him, your gestures full of emotion, but he could only guess their meaning. You never scolded him for not understanding, never grew angry when he needed you to repeat yourself or resort to texting instead. You were always kind and understanding. Patient and calm.
But you shouldn’t have to be patient. You shouldn’t have to wait for him to change. You shouldn’t have to wait this long.
He had taken advantage of your patience, convincing himself that things would work out eventually. He would catch on quickly. Or so he thought.
He had barely scratched the surface of learning sign language, and didn’t put in as much effort as he should’ve.
He wasn’t enough for her. His mind flooded with these thoughts and revelations. These words were sharp and seemed to pierce his heart, filling him with immense pain.
The gap between his hearing and your not hearing had grown too large, too large to ignore. At first, he had thought together you could leap over it, that your love would be enough. But he was wrong.
You deserved someone who would dive into that gap and build a bridge, piece by piece, brick by brick. Someone who would work to understand every gesture, every look you made, every unspoken word.
He wasn’t that person. He would never be that person.
Chenle glanced at the letter on the table, the words he had written laid out before his own eyes. He wanted to say goodbye, but he couldn’t find a way to do it face to face. Not properly. Not without him breaking down.
Maybe he wasn’t strong enough to say the words. Call him a coward. He couldn’t face you. He couldn’t even say he wanted to break up with you outright. Yet he wasn’t brave enough to stay and keep letting you down.
He heard you call his name again, your voice soft and light, the way you always spoke just for him. Your hands moved as you spoke, signing the words with ease, your face glowing after looking at him.
And in that moment, he realized: no matter who he met in the future, he would never love anyone the way he loved you.
But that love wasn’t enough.
The apartment felt emptier than ever when you walked in one day after work.
You’d noticed the change the moment you opened the door: the subtle shift in the air, the absence of his shoes by the entrance, the way the quiet seemed louder than usual, some space seemed emptier than you remembered. Your chest tightened as you stepped further inside looking around the living room.
That’s when you saw it.
A neatly folded envelope sat on the table, your name written on it in Chenle’s familiar handwriting. Beside it, the small dolphin you’d won at the amusement park laid out next to the letter on the table, its glossy black eyes staring back up at you.
You took a deep breath and swallowed, your hands trembling as you picked up the envelope. You didn’t open it right away. Instead, you stood there, staring at the letter, trying to steady your breathing for a bit. You knew this was coming. You tried to ignore the signs, but you were correct.
When you finally sat down, it was in the same chair Chenle always used. You never sat in it, since it always seemed like his spot. The cushion still felt warm somehow, as though he had been there just moments ago. You placed the envelope on the table in front of you, staring at it for what felt like an eternity before you finally gathered enough courage to open it.
The letter was written in his careful handwriting, each word deliberate, each line heavy with emotion. As you began to read, tears blurred your vision.
My dearest Y/N,
By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be gone. I know you probably saw it coming—I’ve been distant for a while now. And I know you deserve more than this. A goodbye in words rather than on a page. But this is the only way I could say everything I need to.
From the moment I met you, you were the brightest part of my life. You lit up every room you walked into. You taught me so much about patience, about kindness, about love.
And I failed you.
Things have been different, haven’t you noticed? I miss your laugh. I miss making you laugh. I miss that joyous echo of good times I could feel around the apartment, and I swear to god it was my favorite sound ever. I miss that. I miss us.
I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how to fix it. Actually, that’s a lie. I do. But maybe I’m not cut out for that. I know I’m losing you, and it feels like I’m losing myself too.
I’ve tried to convince myself that our love would be enough to bridge the gap between us, that I could make up for my shortcomings. But the truth is, I haven’t. I’ve barely tried to learn about you and your world. You’ve carried so much of the burden, of the weight of our relationship, and I just let you.
You deserve someone who won’t let you do that. Someone who will learn every gesture, every sign there is in the vocabulary of sign language, who will work tirelessly to meet you where you are.
That someone isn’t me.
I hate myself for not being enough for you. I hate that I couldn’t give you what you deserve. And I hate that my love for you isn’t enough to fix this.
You always tried to meet me where I was, even when I couldn’t meet you halfway. I see that now. And I hate that I didn’t see it sooner.
I think about how happy we’ve been, and yet there’s always this weight, this worry I can’t stop thinking about. Even in our brightest moments, something felt... off. It’s not because of you, but because of me. It's slowly destroying me.
I hope that someday, you find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who will put in the effort I didn’t, someone who will never let you feel alone.
I’ll never stop loving you, Y/N. I just hope that letting you go gives you the chance to find the happiness I couldn’t give you.
I’m so sorry.
- Chenle
Your hands trembled, shaking the letter slightly, your tears dripping onto the paper and smudging the ink. You pressed your lips together, trying to stifle the sobs threatening to escape, but it was no use.
The dolphin on the table stared back at you as if it held all the memories you’d shared—the laughter, the quiet moments, the love.
You folded the letter carefully, placing it back in the envelope as your tears continued to fall. Sitting there in the silence, you felt the weight of his absence settle around you.
And yet, even through the pain, you couldn’t bring yourself to blame him.
Because you understood. And that hurt the most.
TAGLIST ↬ @lyvhie @aquaphoenixz @galacticnct @ldh0000 @polarisjisung @peterm4rker @sleepyvic @chenlesfavorite (u too pookie)
#nct#nct dream#nct 127#nct scenarios#nct x reader#nct imagines#nct dream fic#nct fic#chenle x reader#chenle scenarios#nct chenle#chenle#zhong chenle fic#zhong chenle x reader#chenle nct#chenle imagine#nct u#nct fics#nct dream reactions#nct dream fanfic#nct hard hours#nct fanfic#nct dream hard hours#zhong chenle#zhong chenle imagines#zhong chenle hard hours#nct dream imagine#chenle angst#nct angst#nct dream angst
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Helluverse During Rut/Mating Season Headcanons
Tags: @bloodypeachblog , @hazelfoureyes , @pinkhimecat , @je-suis-eternel-jennie, @fatgumsurpremacy-remastered
TW: Sex (obviously), animalistic behavior, way too much research, creature cocks (kind of), mention of pregnancy
Thank you guys for the overwhelming positivity from the last one! Here's another one!
Angel Dust:
Angel doesn't really talk about mating season much, unless it's for his films. Val, of course, finds it sexy and makes Angel work anyway.
Like most male spiders, Angel tends to mate with multiple partners during mating season unless he's in a relationship.
Angel loves dancing with you during this time of year. He finds it brings himself closer to you.
Angel tries to make sure you don't feel pressured to have sex with him during his mating season. He wants you to feel comfortable and loved.
Angel is pretty submissive in bed despite him being the one wanting to mate with you, though expect him to want it a bit more rough.
"Come on, baby. I'll be gentle at first, then we can get to the kinky stuff~"
Adam:
An angel's rut or heat isn't nearly as intense as a demon's, unless you're as sexual as Adam.
Adam is normally very possessive, but he gets extra possessive of you when it's mating season. Another man can't even look at you without him blowing up.
Adam likes to help make a little nest for the two of you. Adam also likes to bring you shiny things for the nest.
Adam likes to play his guitar for you as a way to remind you how much he loves you.
Adam is normally pretty rough in bed, while he's rutting it's so much harder and deeper.
"Chill out, I'm gonna take really good care of you, babe~"
Blitzø:
Blitzø's heat is pretty intense. If he somehow has a partner you are not leaving his apartment.
He tries to cook for you, but unfortunately isn't very good. He always insists on cooking for you since he does most of the work in bed (or so he says).
Surprisingly, enough he does enjoy those gentle moments after sex with you. He'll never admit it though.
Speaking of gentle moments, he loves to cuddle. He will cuddle you like a teddy bear. If he starts to cry gently rub his back and hold him.
Blitzø is a VERY kinky motherfucker. He's open to trying every kink once. Any kink you can think of, he's tried it. Yep, even that one.
"Get down, it's time for some quality time with daddy~"
Stolas:
Stolas' rut is very different than most Goetias. He doesn't get as violent as other bird-like demons, but he's still very defensive of his partner.
He brings you all the shiny things for the nest you two share. He also doesn't mind being presented with shiny things.
Speaking of the nest, it consists of blankets, the shiny things, and his feathers.
He also enjoys cooking for you. He is much better than Blitzø, of course.
He's going to bottom. There is no question about it. He's also really loud when the two of you have sex
"I want to take this slow for you. I love you and want you to feel as loved as I do."
Verosika:
Verosika's heat is very intense due to her being a succubus. Though she doesn't let that change her demeanor in the bedroom.
She does have to stop performing for the public while she deals with her heat.
Even though she doesn't perform in public during her heat, she does sing for you.
She loves leaving marks on your body. Scratch marks, kisses, and bite marks will litter your body for days.
Verosika always tops, period. She takes good care of her submissives, though.
"You're so pretty, well not as pretty as me, but I'm still gonna take care of you, baby~"
#hazbin hotel#helluva boss#hazbin hotel x reader#helluva boss x reader#angel dust#angel dust x reader#adam#adam x reader#blitzø#blitz x reader#stolas#stolas x reader#verosika mayday#verosika#verosika x reader
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Thank you so much for the tag @therealsaintscully!
How many works do you have on ao3? 48! 30 for BBC Sherlock and 18 for The X-Files.
What’s your total word count? 924,659 (whoa, that's a lot of words)
What are your top 5 fics by kudos? (Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea White Knight Incidents with Dogs, Curious and Otherwise Another Auld Lang Syne The Dead Detective
Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?
I try to. I'm not always as on top of it as I intend to be. I find comments tremendously meaningful and I at times get emotional while reading them. They are important to me. I reread them often.
I often fear that I'm a poor conversationalist and overthink my responses, which can tend to freeze me up.
What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?
Most of my long fics have happy endings.
The Pillar upon Which England Rests is my ode to Mrs. Hudson. As she and John are grieving Sherlock's fall, she tells John all about how she and Sherlock first met. I don't think of it as a particularly sad story, but I suppose that ending counts as angsty, as Sherlock's eventual return is not addressed in the story.
I guess the shorter, more horrorish ones have angsty (or at least uneasy) endings.
Nothing Happened in Belarus has S4 Sherlock, in the throes of his breakdown, somehow briefly traveling through time and encountering S1 John, who cares for him. It's a brief reprieve for him in the midst of a personal hell, but there is no resolution. When he returns to his own time, he is still forced to face what's coming next.
At the end of Leaves, Sherlock and John have either successfully defeated the bloodthirsty plant that has invaded their flat, or they're being digested by it. I leave that decision up to the reader. :)
The Web has Sherlock returned from his time away and reunited with John, but there is a part of him that will always remain haunted and deeply paranoid.
What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?
Most of them, heh. I like to leave my characters in a good place after putting them through hell.
I guess I'd have to say White Knight? I still get a little giddy when I think about the way Sherlock proposes at the end of that one, and how happy and free they both are after the crushing weight of misunderstandings and grief has fallen away.
Whirlwind has a pretty joyful ending, too.
Do you write crossovers?
I haven't written a crossover, but I have done a few fusion fics. The Dead Detective is a fusion with Jumpin' Jack Flash. Whirlwind is a fusion with Twister. Out There is a fusion with The X-Files.
Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Not really. Most responses on AO3 have been warm and supportive. I have gotten a few unnecessarily vicious comments on some of my ficlets here on Tumblr, but I do my best to ignore those.
Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Most of my smut tends to be of the R-rated variety, because I'm frankly just not very good at writing it.
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Yes, sort of, but I don't believe it was done maliciously and I don't intend to call attention to it.
Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes!
Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I have not. I'm open to the idea, but I honestly don't know if I'm cut out for it. I think my tendency to wing things and my utter lack of a consistent writing schedule would drive a potential writing partner mad.
What's your all-time favourite ship?
Mulder and Scully were my first true fandom love. I love Sherlock and John equally as much, if not more.
What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?
There are quite a few WIPs on my hard drive that may never see the light of day. As far as posted fics, my Sherlock/Knight Rider fusion probably won't be finished.
What are your writing strengths?
I like to think that I'm pretty good at capturing character mannerisms, and writing from a perspective that lets the reader feel what the POV character is feeling.
What are your writing weaknesses?
I'm not all that impressed with my smut writing abilities.
What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
I steer clear of it. Although Google translate can be helpful, IMO there are too many opportunities to make embarrassing or inadvertently offensive mistakes.
What was the first fandom you wrote for?
The X-Files
What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?
I really enjoy the character dynamics between Hannibal/Will in Hannibal and Lestat/Louis in Interview with the Vampire. I think I'd have a harder time getting into their heads than I do with Sherlock and John, so I'll probably just continue admiring them from afar for now.
What's your favourite fic you've written?
This is such a hard question! I'm probably proudest of the work that went into Out There, but I have a huge soft spot for The Pillar upon Which England Rests and (Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea.
If anyone out there would like to share your thoughts on some of the things you've written, please do! I'll also tag @thetimemoves @arwamachine @raina-at @vulpesmellifera @iheardyou @totallysilvergirl @khorazir
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It never matters how many x reader tags I block
#like idc#If you like it#you do you boo#but jesus fucking christ#Can there be some kind of consistent tagging#So I can block effectively?
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can we please stop using 60th stuff getting good view counts/a lot of hype as 'proof' of 13s era being bad somehow. like yeah nostalgia bait is gonna... bait people with nostalgia and therefore be popular. does not mean doctor who is 'back' or whatever because it literally did not go anywhere lol
#yeah everyone's excited and thats great!!! i am not hiding that i am also excited!!!#but people acting like 13's run was some kind of blip is driving me crazy insane#idk. can we not insist everything was terrible between the last time this particular white dude ran the show 15 years ago and now#not sure what to tag this with so the 'bUt ThE RaTinGS' crew dont find this lol#maybe i just wont.#doctor who#for blog consistency at least
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I'm gonna froth at the mouth over this in the tags so bear with me but reason #1278038 why the way rick went about breaking up jiper was bad: rereading her povs in hoo where she gushes over jason feels like even more of an unreliable narrator queer girl comphet psychological horror story
#it's not that that isn't interesting (it's fascinating actually. especially for a daughter of aphrodite!!!)#it's that it Obviously wasn't his og intention. the ending of hoo is clearly intended to give a positive impression of jiper#this is worsened because shelper is wildly underdeveloped so it's like Dude what did you even do this for#literally just an afterthought. a footnote really. he said “ok here's your canon sapphic rep pls stop shipping theyna now” /j#she was a main character in one of the main couples in hoo it's so crazy? how can that happen. he would never do this to percabeth#can you imagine if percabeth broke up offscreen and 2 months later annabeth was with some complete rando and then percy died. girl what#it's the kind of setup/payoff issue that is difficult to put into words because he set up something (jiper and all its complex morality)#to ultimately be good because they're making the choice to love each other in the end (poorly executed but whatever I don't hate it)#and then in toa????? he just obliterates them for no payoff and creates a new impression of the most literal case of comphet imaginable? wh#toa is my absolute least favorite sorry#marginally related but if we can Be. Chill. and acknowledge that he originally wrote nico as crushing on annabeth#(we can argue all day about how Definite the crush was but come on. he did not put percy's speculation of it in there for no reason)#(and he obviously did not plan for nico to be gay back then you will literally never convince me of this)#(representation was NOT on his mind in the first 5 books that's why the cast is almost completely white except charles and ethan)#(the disposable poc who die tragically btw)#then I see a similarly confusing debacle but like. in the opposite way#something something sexuality is fluid you can be gay and feel confused about how u used to have a het crush but are still gay#nico says so himself to piper which is hilarious#it's just the lack of consistency and poor planning that I hate........... it is a ginormous pet peeve of mine and it's All Over His Books#piper already reads as having so much growing to do regarding her gender and sexuality because Somebody#(the man writing her) littered her pov with internalized misogyny/anti hyperfemininity and went nowhere with it#rr crit#percy jackson and the olympians#piper mclean#jason grace#pjo hoo toa#anti jiper#<- I PROMISE I am not actually anti-jiper I am very neutral about it as I am with all jason ships. they had cute moments#tagging that just in case#this comes from a place of deep love for the franchise and it's characters btw I have been a fan since I was 8
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[ID: Two similar images of Viktor in the Paranatural au in a grocery store, pushing a cart and looking behind himself worriedly. He is surrounded by people going about their business, unable to see anything strange, including his mother. In the first image, the background is a photo of a grocery store aisle and Viktor's eyes are glowing, indicating that he is talking to his spirit. In the second, the landscape is white and gray and the architecture has turned into violin shapes. A giant spirit, the White Violin (based on Vanya post-surgery in the comics) reaches out towards Viktor, who is the only point of color in the scene. End ID.]
tfw you astrally project while grocery shopping and find a giant woman who really, really wants to kill you
(for those not in the know: in paranatural, when spectrals talk to their spirit, they go into a bullet time trance and the spirit changes what the world around them looks like. The White Violin makes the world black and white (mostly white), empty, and exclusively made up of melty and/or violin shapes. Also, the white violin is a wight and so "talking" doesn't really come into it very much)
(oh also, i based the background drawing off a screenshot i took of a supermarket 3d model made by richcontent on sketchfab, this appears to be their website: http://dougricho.com/. the actual photo i used is from an advertisement for shelving units)
#tua#the umbrella academy#viktor hargreeves#the white violin#my art#paranatural au#i guess i should go back and actually tag this au with that now that ive given up on a name#anyway#i think ive accidentally made this some kind of trans allegory#something something trans solidarity#'ur hurt and pain have warped you beyond recognition but if you take my hand i can show you that you dont have to be a naked violin woman'#(i have a normal amount of beef with the way women are drawn in the comics dw about it)#'also please stop trying to kill me i am twelve'#thats not really an allegory thats just the white violin also being trans#the allegory part is the fact that its not a human person i guess#ALSO editor's note: the white violin is not always this big it can also be human sized it just depends on how pissed off it is#biting the bullet and tagging all my paranatural au posts consistently but why not have fun with it!#so#extranatural
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ultrakill doodle dump because none of these were good enough to warrant their own post. and also some of them are like months old and im never finishing them so
#theyre all kind of ass but eh </3#they go in order from most to least recent with the last 2 being from like. august#can you tell i was just drawing directly from the swordsmachine wiki image#i also didnt use a reference for the second one i just wanted to draw some goopy bits sue me#im always sooo scared of posting ultrakill doodles like you guys consistently make the most gorgeous fucking art ever and all i can offer.#is this. ah well </3#coloring is for losers. btw#ultrakill#v1 ultrakill#ok thats all im tagging im too nervous about this#various meanderings
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me knowing in my heart of hearts that callum is going to play right into aaravos' hands next season and it's going to involve the cube somehow and it's going to be on rayla's behalf
#like we already got the hostage shit let's fucking GOO#& listen the disparate pieces of chet were always#1) rayla has some weird ass consistencies with this goddamn cube#2) callum taking massive fucking risks / lowkey dooming the world for love#and 3) that cube is going to Help AND Hinder#s6 speculation#predictions#s6#s6 wishlist#devil and the lovers#i can feel it. in my belly#like it may not be CHET but it will either be#him doing something risky to save her parents so she doesn't have to / can have them back#or cutting some kind of deal bc the possession made him hurt her and she's dying#or both#and i can't fucking wait bro#tag ramble#since the hostage situation happened last season like. we can have a redux. some new flavour#it's all the same deliciousness to me#cube hostage exchange theory#adjacently#tdp#memes#mine
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In one of the 647968 posts going "What You Like Says Nothing About You" (broadly agree) the first comment in the reply section was, "well I'm never going to apologize for being a Swiftie and a Reylo and Destiel shipper and Snape fan and loving ACOTAR and LOTR and Hamilton and B99" and I'm like, actually being this much of a pathological white liberal makes you the exception to this rule 😭😭
#do i consistently hyperfixate on racist white liberal trash? yes#am i proud of it? absolutely not#i have friends who also hyperfixate on toxic white bullshit but in the 'i hate this so much im gonna fix it' way#you don't have to live in a constant state of apologia you just have to understand that these things are criticised on legitimate grounds#and do some self examination on why you're so constantly attracted to this kind of media and how you can counterbalance it#idk if anyone told me one of my hyperfixations were gross I'd be like ''IKR?? i hate it too!''#what i have a problem with is people saying ''if you know something is problematic you should stop consuming it''#that is ableist and counter productive#''please consume in ways that don't turn a profit for the creator'' ''maybe try this alternative media as well'' <- aces 💯💯#there's so much nuance that's lost in this 'pro' vs 'anti' bs like criticism is the same as censorship#and harrassment is the same as criticism#ethics vs morals vs laws#anyway acting like being criticised for consuming the most toxic white shit in creation makes you oppressed#is a level of racism i can't bother unpacking#fandom racism#hp antis get off this post. the tags are about you people too#anti swifties#anti reylo#anti acotar#anti spn#anti hamilton#anti b99#fandom wank#knee of huss#white liberals#white women#white queers#white people
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finally found a place to read With the Light online and i'm thrilled; if you haven't read this manga i do Legitimately recommend it
#N posts stuff#like don't get it wrong it Is Not a series about being autistic it Is a series about raising an autistic kid#but also don't be put off by that because it's legitimately a series that I feel Loves autistic people with its whole being#it's kind of a teaching manga so it showcases a lot of different opinions/characters/conflicts/etc. but the Framing is very consistent#in that the manga is Extremely of the opinion that autistic people are People who deserve to be Valued and Accepted As They Are#the onus for change is never put on autistic individuals the framing is basically Universal in the 'the World needs to change#to be more accepting' -- it's a very Social Model depiction of autism that ALSO never veers too far into the#'autism isn't even Really a disability' fallacy; it's very much a 'A lot of autistic people will need constant support in a variety of ways#throughout their lives but that isn't the roadblock preventing them from having their own lives; ableism in society is the roadblock'#the first two chapters are the hardest to get through bc they take place before Sachiko has any real understanding of autism and#so she's isolated and stressed out and the ignorance makes it difficult for her to care for Hikaru properly (there's also a lot of#other characters Blaming her for what's going on which goes unchallenged at this point though that changes later); but after she#understands what autism is she's Firmly in Hikaru's corner for the rest of the series - you can skip right to ch 3 without a problem#if you're not interested in reading about that initial conflict#there's still a Lot of conflict ofc but by then the chapters have some of my favorite moments so i don't want to advocate skipping#them; like Hikaru's daycare teacher explaining how Hikaru's difficulty speaking is the same as other kids' troubles with#things like jump-roping/etc.; and then a mother who has An Issue with Hikaru's presence in her daughter's class realizing the#depth of the problematic opinion bc Her mother (who had a stroke) faces similar ableism from her peers#i'm cutting this post off b4 the tags get Too long but if you're curious but still hesitant man. send me an ask and i will Happily#write an insanely long essay about how much i love this series; i have all the books i'm not excited about the online availability#for Me i'm excited bc i've been wanting to rec this manga for like almost a full decade and i can finally give you a link instead of#saying 'well. you can find used copies sometimes' lol
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i am still trying to figure out what to do about puck and juliette getting crunched out of existence. so far what i've come up with are:
- bring them back as clones with amnesia of some sort in the hood like usual - isekai them into my other neighborhood (comedic and probably fun)
#it'd be a crazy amount of work to bring them back and replace them as-was#i'd add the family tags but that'd be the best i can do#i miss them.#i'm leaning towards the second because the megahood has too much going on for some kind of major plotline#they got bella goth'd as uni students so i'd probably slap them in a university just to keep it consistent
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➥ ps: tuesdays will probably be ask game day if it happens since that’s my day off (or wednesday if you’re in one of the more eastern time zones)
#not akito#[kinda rant/vent below oops]#do i…do i tag this angst#like i know it’s my blog and i can do what i want#but at the same time i definitely did not post a ton of extra stuff frequently when i was starting out#so in the (i admit unlikely) event there’s actually a significant portion that doesn’t really want to see it#i’d at least like to know that before i make a decision#can you guys tell i got some kind of anxiety/rsd problem#is it bad#<— y’all can fuckign ignore me if i’m highkey cringe#i don’t really care and i kinda doubt people sending me hate would actually bother me at all?#but at the same time i do respect you guys and enjoy seeing those of you in my notifications frequently so like idk??#i know i generally try to not get super personal here cause i can do that on main and all that#but i do not have my shit together as much as my posting consistency might suggest lmaooooooo#hooooo boy if you read this far uhhhhhh…look closely at the bonus akitos from the neo 2DMV but kinda unreality warning#;) wink wonk
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Some of ppl's refusal (or inability) to write IDW OP isn't bc of annoyance or cowardice but just bc they like... don't know his personality? Yknow very "only read MTMTE syndrome" that's so common in this fandom.
Maybe it's bc I'm an IDW OP enjoyer/simp but I really don't get what's hard to write about his personality or why ppl feel the need to throw in continuity soup elements with him (while maintaining every other character in the fic meticulously and lovingly accurate to IDW lore). Like dudes IDW OP is already interesting even if you only need him as a side plot or character you just need to know how to write him.
But I guess people trying to write IDW OP and failing/writing an extremely watered down IDW OP is an improvement from not writing him at all and being annoying hating him in every single public space related (or not related) to Optimus, so it's meh
#squiggposting#mostly it's the part where they make OP random continuity soup but everyone else lore accurate that annoys me#it's as if OP is just an afterthought to these writers#or like they need him as a cardboard cutout of OP's general vibes but don't actually care about getting his personality right#and it's weirdly consistent in how often ppl do it too#like you read a fic and w/ every other character there's countless loving references and homages to canon#you can see ppl taking canon and putting their own interpretations and filling in the gaps based on what they got#then they write OP in their fics and he's just kind of. there. as some random guy#not based on any particular continuity or piece of lore. just kind of existing as The Concept of OP#w/ whatever traits the author felt like giving him (usually to make him part of a ship or someone's dad or something)#idw op love#tagging prev bc i want to sort thru my posts and rb some stuff about him#move over pharma it's time for the OP autism to come out
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"I would not want a memorium"
the more you learn about R Verner, the more this line makes you want to write a multi page essay
#...........I want to talk about R Verner until I'm hoarse#if snippets#wait I was just looking in my screenshot folder for another verner quote & I had already snipped this once before LMAO queen of consistency#the first time you read this you might think 'huh interesting thing for the rich powerful kid to say' and even MC is like 'really?'#and then you learn more about them and also about their family and you're like Ah Okay#I am just so entranced by the way they wear the Verner name and then the glimpses you get of the R who exists beyond that#it's very important to me that 'Oh No!' by Marina is on the R Verner playlist#idk if these tags even make sense in conjunction w/ this screenshot but whatever#r verner#every single one of the core characters wears some kind of mask but R is exceptionally good at wearing theirs#trying to speed through this replay so I can get back to the alpha content but the brain worms are distracting me
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I saw 3 megaoplita reblogs, spill the tea man
I am a multishipper, therefore silly poly bring joy <3
Specially TFES Megaoplita is very appealing to me
Optimus is very shippable
#i have like- no major consistency with ships#lot of them are Starscream related- you'll see Starop a lot with me#with OP the main ones are mostly Elita Megatron Starscream Prowl and Ratchet#SOMETIMES Senator Shockwave???#it really depends on continuity#G1 is a sandbox#I also like Megastar content but I dont LIKE them? does that make sense?? As in 'theyre awful for eachother and I want to OBSERVE'#Prime Scream has some kind of Stockholm Syndrome dude-#SG Megastar can hang tho <3#I got off topic real fast#joan says stuff in tags#joan says stuff#maccadam#transformers
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