#Call that a opportunity to behave like a toxic animal :)

[perelka-l]

Maaan dont tell me I'll have to do some proper nasty art to make it very much clear to people how much of a stain on the fabric of the reality I am. Because apparently it's not entirely clear. Sigh.

[rirabeko]

Some of Baji's mischaracterization that gives me the ICK

It's 2024 and there are people out there who still can't understand Baji's character and mischaracterize him heavily, mostly because of the Bajifuyu ship.

DISCLAIMER: You can ship whoever you want. I'm just tired of seeing my favourite character constantly being mischaracterized because of toxic shippers. Also I'm not a shipper myself, I do not romanticize any of the relationships I mention below.

The biggest issue with Baji's character is the fact that Bajifuyu shippers (and sometimes just the fandom in general) constantly ignore Kazutora's role in Baji's life, meanwhile Kazutora made a huge impact on Baji's character. You can clearly see it not just in the anime or in the manga, but in the spin-off too.

Baji and Kazutora were that duo, they were a literal separated team within Toman. They met naturally, become friends instantly and spent most of their time together (many times without Toman). It's accepted by the fandom, that Kazutora's first real friend was Baji, but also Baji's first close friend was Kazutora.

Obviously Mikey and Baji were close as kids, but after Baji moved to a different place they weren't that close. I bet this is the reason why Baji didn't know about Shinichiro's bike shop, since when they met regularly Baji was a little kid and Shinichiro was a teenager without a bike shop. It also shows that Mikey and Baji aren't that close, they are more like childhood buddies than close friends.

I can talk about this for hours but now I only wrote it as a small disclaimer, before I get into my points, so let's go.

I am sick of it when:

they call Baji stupid (he literally outsmarted Kisaki, being smart not equals only book smart)

people headcanon him as a mean, aggressive, abusive bf (he is canonly no.1 best lover and he literally died because he has a heart of gold, let this bs go pls)

they can't understand the reason behind his suicide and make it a ship war (ICK)

people can't accept the fact Baji loves his friends differently, and not everyone is his bestie (it doesn't mean he does not love them, or prefers someone over the other but love can be different towards different people and it's absolutely normal!)

they make his character all about Bajifuyu (he is an individual, stop bringing up Chifuyu EVERYTIME when it comes to Baji. His character is much more than a guy in a dominant-submissive fanmade yaoi ship people like dragging him into!)

they make Chifuyu the good, perfect friend while constantly dragging Baji down and made him the bad guy in their relationship (I could write a whole essay just about this being a bullshit)

when they romanticize Bajifuyu (Baji canonly sees Chifuyu as a younger brother figure said by Baji's mom, but there are people out there who still believes unironically that they are in love... WHY?)

they ignore that Baji is very caring and affectionate not just towards Chifuyu, he is like this because these are his own personality traits. He behaves like this with everyone who's close to him. (Mikey, Kazutora, Ryuusei and just Toman in general)

people say Chifuyu was the only one who understood Baji's feelings and aims (the literal reason Baji died was because no one really understood his goals and behaviour, not even Chifuyu)

they romanticize Chifuyu's obsessiveness towards Baji (if Chifuyu was a girl, he would be cancelled for this behaviour immediately, but the double standard won again)

people make his death an opportunity to romanticize Bajifuyu (biggest ICK)

they say Baji is only distant with Chifuyu beacuse he is a tsundere (there are so many situations when Chifuyu truly annoys Baji, e.g. he said it many times that Chifuyu's infatuation really disturbs him and asked Chifuyu to stop)

Bajifuyu shippers ignore and hate Kazutora just because he disturbs their ship

they say Baji was a bad influence to Kazutora (Kazutora hung out with gangs even before he met Baji, he was already a part of the underworld. the reason Kazutora turned out that way was his abusive father and his horrible childhood in general. Baji literally saved him, and he could finally be himself around Baji without any judgement or harassment)

they ignore or even DENY Bajitora's bond because of Bajifuyu

they accept Bajifuyu, Kazufuyu or even the Bajitrio but HATE Bajitora (the biggest bullshit ever)

they can't recognise the fanservice of Bajifuyu and calls them canon because of the clear fanservice acts

people think Bajitora is one sided (more Baji sided) meanwhile Tora loves Baji more than his own life and shows it many times how much he loves Baji and how much Baji means to him

they accept that Chifuyu never changed his hairstyle after Baji made it for him (and obviously they romanticize it) but they are hating because Kazutora looked exactly like Baji in bad toman timeline

people ignore Bajitora and always forgets that they are very close to each other in every timeline. the new panels Wakui drew were also about Kazutora putting Chifuyu to his place after Chifuyu completly ignored Tora and disturbed his time with his best friend. (we all know Kazutora is very possessive with Baji for obvious reasons and does not tolerate being disrespected by someone)

The list could go on and on but these are the main problems I still see in this fandom when it comes to Baji's character.

I'm tired of seeing this amazingly well-written character turns into a boring, abusive, mean guy by the fandom who is only an abuser in a toxic fanmade yaoi ship.

SIDE NOTE:

To all the people who dislike him/call him mean and aggressive because he beat Chifuyu up:

This anime is based on a manga which takes place in the early 2000's gangster world in Japan. He is the captain of the 1st division, he is the leader, and his role is not just to be the strongest in the division but also to manage his team, bc this is also what a leader does. If someone is disrespectful, breaks the rules and shows a bad example to the others he has to punish them. In this world this is how things go. This won't make him a bad person, or an aggressive jerk. Baji can be very calm and collected when it comes to leading his division. He is a very good leader, who takes care of his teammates, so no surprise he is really loved by his division. 

Also when he beat Chifuyu up before joining Valhalla: he hated himself for doing that. But he had to, he had no other choice. And Chifuyu had every right to stand up against Baji and tell him he's not doing it. But since Chifuyu never questions Baji's decisions as the captain of the first division he agreed with this one too, and also because he wanted to help him. Chifuyu knew exactly what he was doing when he let Baji doing this to him, and he went along with it. Stop bringing this up everytime and use it against Baji.

[mypoisonedvine]

The Wrong Idea | Lee Bodecker x reader

summary: you weren’t exactly a rebel in the eyes of the law, but that didn’t mean you cared for the corrupt, alcoholic town sheriff.  and that certainly didn’t mean you would care at all for him marrying your mother.  if only you’d known how much worse it could get...

word count: 4.5k

warnings: smut!! (heavy dubcon/noncon), age gap (reader is 19), stepcest, loss of virginity, pain kink, creampie kink, infidelity, degradation, oral (m and f receiving), spanking, choking, slapping, daddy kink, authority kink, subtle ddlg themes?, reader’s mom being toxic af

You’d never cared for the Sheriff.  Even you, being generally a well-behaved young woman, thought he was a little too intense and a little too corrupt.  Up until now, you’d assumed your mother agreed with you on that, because she never protested to your complaints about Sheriff Bodecker and his ‘fascist reign of terror’ as you called it.  Apparently that was a poor assumption, though.

“You… what?!”

“I never told you we were seein’ each other because I knew you had your childish rebellion against him and his police force,” your mother explained with a demeaning eyeroll.  “But now that we’re engaged, I can’t hide it anymore.”

“How long has this been going on?” you asked quietly, still in shock at what you were hearing— and unable to take your eyes off of the sparkling diamond wrapped around her finger.

“Oh, I’d say… about two months now,” she decided.

“Two—” you stopped and started over, so bewildered that you couldn’t finish your original sentence.  “You’re engaged after two months?”

“Don’t make that face at me, you look so ugly when you scowl like that,” she frowned.  Of course, she could never miss an opportunity to nag you.  “He’s a respectable man, and he treats me well.  The wedding is in three weeks— and he’s generous enough to let you live with us after that.  Says there’s a spare bedroom for you in his house.”

“His… his house…” you slurred, suddenly feeling light-headed.  “I’m… we’re moving…?”

“Yes, honey, and with your work ethic it’ll take you the whole three weeks to pack up, so you should start now,” she informed you with that cruel, fake smile of hers.

She walked away as you sat down on the couch, staring off into space, trying to comprehend what you just heard.  It’s not like you thought your mother was flawless or anything, or that you and her had a perfect relationship, but you thought she would’ve been a little more… gentle about all this.  She could do better than him anyways!  But she didn’t care about that, only money and status.  You could almost laugh at her small-mindedness to think the Sheriff of a nothing-town like Knockemstiff was actually plentiful in either of those things, but right now you couldn’t laugh.  You couldn’t even cry as you packed your things and said goodbye to the home you’d known your whole life.  You were just numb.

//

You couldn’t look him in the eye when you arrived at his house, duffel bags in hand and shoes stained with the dry red dirt of summer.  It was nicer than your old place, and if it were anyone else’s you’d say it had charm, but everything was tainted because you knew it was his.  You could sort of tell that this had been his bachelor pad for a while, but it had a half-assed attempt at hominess with the rug in the living room and a centerpiece on the kitchen table.  He even had a TV, presumably funded by bribes and all his other nefarious dealings— meaning you wouldn’t be able to bring yourself to watch it.

“Nice to meet ya, properly,” Lee greeted, though his monotone didn’t come across as particularly impassioned.

“Thank you, Sheriff,” you mumbled quickly, hoping to get this conversation over with.

“You don’t have to call me Sheriff anymore, you know.  Not in the house, at least.”

You nodded but said nothing, following him as he motioned for you and moved into the hallway.  You trailed behind him, noticing the eerie lack of any personal effects on the walls (no family photos, apparently, and not much of a family to photograph in the first place from what you’d heard), and stopped when he reached the door at the end.

“This is your room,” Lee informed you stiffly.  Opening the door, you were horrified by the assault on your eyes of pink.  Pink everything: pink wallpaper, a pink fuzzy quilt, pink bedframe.  There were even assorted stuffed animals on the bed, disturbingly enough.

“When my mother told you she had a daughter, did she not mention that I was grown?”

“You may be nineteen, honey, but you’re nowhere near grown,” he scowled.  “She didn’t tell me she had a daughter until two days before the weddin’.  This is what I managed to... improvise, since then.”

You almost had sympathy for him, just in that you two were both victims of your mother’s eccentricity.  Almost.  

“Must’ve inherited your expensive taste from your ma,” he frowned.  “Sorry, princess—” the nickname made his lips curl like the word itself tasted sour— “but this’ll have to do.”

“Oh, I’m nothing like her,” you sneered back, “cause I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.”

“What are you two chatting about?” your mother’s voice called from the kitchen.

Both of you answered at the same time: “Nothing!” 

With a grimace, you dragged your bag into the room and shut the door in his face.  It was those little acts of rebellion that had to tide you over.  You weren’t audacious enough to do anything actually cruel, or illegal, but you weren’t going to make this any easier for him.

At first it was just refusing to leave your room.  That worked for a week, until you realized you were going to starve to death.  So then the only times you saw him were at the dinner table, which you made into a protest by pretending he didn’t exist and refusing to answer his questions.  You occasionally relented when he asked you to pass something from your side of the table, but you never looked at him while you did it.  

He didn’t seem angry or sad about your determination to avoid him, if anything it seemed like he was happy to pretend you weren’t there either.  And that should’ve made it easier, but for some reason it bothered you even more.  You realized that maybe his attention did matter to you, even though it was negative attention that you were hoping to inspire, but you knew that was ridiculous and you tried to fight it.  Still, for all your plans to never see him, you sure did think about him a lot.  You thought about where he might be, so you could be somewhere else.  You thought about what he must be doing at work, and how he was probably continuing to be a nasty mean drunk as frequently as possible.  You wondered if he and your mother were making love just across the house, although you were lucky enough to never hear anything.  Just knowing that could be happening made you feel sick, even though you realized it was none of your business.  

You sometimes found yourself listening for it at night, just in case.

//

Your mother had decided to spend her new husband’s money on a trip, but the man himself couldn’t tag along— too much work to do, apparently.  The prospect of being left alone with him was nightmare fuel, but you didn’t even try to ask her to stay… you knew she wouldn’t listen.  She’d been totally absorbed in her own world since the wedding, seeming to be very fulfilled by the social role of ‘Sheriff’s wife’ to the point that she had lost all interest in her former position as ‘your mom’.  

There was a balance to the silence with her gone, though.  You avoided him, he avoided you; it was a tense truce, but a survivable one.  At least without her, nobody was going to try to make you two get along.  Friday night was different, though.  This time when he came home from work, you knew you were stuck with him until Monday morning.  That thought made you realize that you needed to get out and you didn’t care if you weren’t dressed for it.  It was hot, and it was just a walk so nobody was going to see you in this miniskirt anyway, right?

Too bad Lee was sitting on the couch, still in his uniform, not giving you any mind but likely to harass you before you could make it outside.  You figured if you just walked casually enough, he wouldn’t even notice, so you made your way towards the door.

“You’re not going out like that,” he announced suddenly, seemingly without even looking up from his newspaper.

“Says who?” you deflected quickly with a raised brow.  It wasn’t that you wanted to pick a fight, but you just couldn’t understand why he would even care what you were wearing.

“Says the guy who doesn’t want you to give all the neighborhood boys the wrong idea.”

“What idea?!” you asked, crossing your arms.  He shot you a look, quickly raking in your body and outfit which made you feel more observed than you cared for.

“The idea that you’re a slut,” he explained coldly.

You gulped at his words but tried to keep a poker face.  You didn’t let it get this far just to give up.  You were so sick of his shit; what made him think he could boss you around when he’d never even tried to get to know you?

“What makes you assume that’s the wrong idea?” you shot back, fighting the nervousness in your voice.

You hadn’t expected him to stand up instantly, the coffee table wobbling a bit when his knee bumped into it.

“The fuck did you say?” he hissed.

With his teeth bared at you he looked like a predator, and you felt like small, helpless prey.  You tried to muster some of your former confidence, but everything came out shaky and weak.  “I— I said that maybe it’s not the wrong ide—”

He pounced, crossing the room and slamming you back against the wall, a hand at each shoulder; you instantly cowered, shrinking back and turning your face away from him as far as you could.  You never thought he’d put his hands on you like this.  Your heart was pounding so loudly that you were surprised you could hear his hoarse whisper.

“Watch your tone with me.  I’m not kidding around.”

“I’m an adult,” you weakly fought back, “I can do what I want.”

“Not in my fuckin’ house you can’t!” he bellowed.

For some reason, it all hit you at once.  All the emotions you’d been suppressing since your mother had gotten engaged— all the anger and fear and betrayal and indignation, they came bubbling up before you could stop them.  

“I don’t even want to be in your ugly fucking house!” you cried in response.  “I don’t wanna be anywhere near you!  You’re a fascist and a tyrant and a pig!”

You expected him to get more aggressive but he suddenly stilled.  It was the scariest anger, that outwardly-calm type that made your blood go cold.

“Go to your room.”

You didn’t question it, turning to walk away (any excuse to get away from him, right?), but you didn’t expect him to follow you in and shut the door behind the both of you.

You were paralyzed with fear as he stepped past you and sat on your bed.  It was sort of strange as you realized you’d never seen him in your room before.  He stood out against the somewhat childish decorations, but you were in no mood to appreciate the humor of the situation as he patted his knee.

“Lay across my lap.  Don’t make me tell you twice.”

He couldn’t possibly be doing what I think he’s doing, could he? you wondered to yourself, but did as he asked.  You realized you’d never been so close to him before, the warmth of his body radiating through his clothes.  He smelled like cologne and booze, although you didn’t think he’d actually had much to drink yet today— at least compared to his normal habits.  It was almost worse to think that he wasn’t acting on drunkenness now.

“It’s prob’ly too late for it, but you are in serious need of discipline, young lady.”

You had no idea what he was talking about, but your body reacted to it differently than you expected.

His fingers slipped between the top of your skirt and your skin, having to pull pretty hard to get it down due to how tight it was.  You bit your lip and hoped he wouldn’t notice your arousal, but as your pussy was exposed, you could feel the breeze from the ceiling fan and you knew you were undeniably wet.  You didn’t know why, but you were.

“Count them for me,” he instructed coldly and before you could ask what you were counting, he brought his hand down firmly.  You felt his wedding ring in the slap and it made you feel a little sick.

“O-one,” you stammered.

He delivered four more, alternating cheeks, and you tried not to react with visible pain.  But as the intensity increased, you realized that not reacting might’ve actually been making it worse.  Either way, you couldn’t stop yourself from crying out when the eighth made your whole body lurch forward from the force.

“Eight!” you squealed, but both of you noticed the way you pushed your hips forward.  Unintentional as it may have been, you were trying to rub yourself on his thigh, desperate to be touched where it felt like all the energy of your body had focused.  You were sure you’d never been so horny before, and now your clit was nearly throbbing.  What the fuck is wrong with me?!

He quickly delivered the final two slaps before grabbing your neck, hoisting you up until you were on your knees before him.  He examined your face closely and you tried to keep your lip from shaking.

“You’re worse than I thought,” he hissed.  “You are in dire need of a punishment.  You should thank me for going so easy on you so far.”

You realized when his grip on your jaw tightened that he was being literal.  “Thank you, for going easy on me…”

“Where’d that fire go, huh?  Guess you’re all talk,” he laughed.  

He roughly shoved his fingers into your mouth, moaning lowly as your tongue rubbed against the pads of his fingers.  “This fuckin’ mouth.  You just don’t know when to keep it shut, do you?  Come on baby, open up.  I’ve got a better use for it than your fuckin’ disrespectful attitude.”

He used his free hand to work on his belt right in front of your face, and your eyes went wide.

“Don’t act so surprised sweetheart,” he said with a hint of irritation, “this is exactly what you’re asking for.”

You gasped a bit when his cock was freed from his trousers, springing up and already red at the tip.  You’d never seen one this close before and it was intimidating in every way.

“Like what you see?  You’re so wet for it,” he purred.  You tried to speak but words abandoned you. 

It was all a blur as he held your mouth open and shoved his cock inside— it tasted like skin and salt, and the size made your chapped lips crack until you worried they would bleed.  His moans were deep and gravelly, making your skin break out into goosebumps as he pumped smoothly into your pliant mouth.  He slapped your face a few times, not quite hard but plenty strong enough to make it sting.  You winced with each impact, the tears which had welled from your gagging finally falling down and dripping from your chin.

“Suck on it, princess, like a popsicle… fuck yeah, like that,” he groaned, and your mind resisted obeying him but your body was completely at his mercy.  “Aw baby, ya look so good chokin’ on my cock.  Is that what you were gonna go do in this slutty little outfit you’ve got on?”

You tried to shake your head but he was holding you down, not even giving you a chance to breathe.  His protruding stomach rubbed against your forehead when his cock was this deep in your throat, and the disgust and fear somehow made your arousal stronger.

He let you go, finally, and you pulled back with a gasp and a cough.  You weren’t given much reprieve, though, as he started to tug at your blouse as well.

“No, wait,” you whimpered, weakly trying to bat his hands away.

“Wait?  I think I’ve been waiting long enough,” he growled.  “Your ma’s a fuckin’ tease, hasn’t touched me since I got her that ugly fuckin’ ring.  Let’s hope you learn from her mistakes.”

Your blouse was torn open and tossed aside, leaving you only in the pulled-up skirt and your bra.  Reaching up to cover yourself, you were discouraged by the shockingly-gentle brush of his hands. 

“Don’t cover yourself, sweetheart, you’re gorgeous,” he murmured.  His gaze made you feel hot all over, and it wasn’t just because of the summer weather outside.  “Nobody ever looked at ya before?”

You shook your head, looking down at the floor.  A finger under your chin guided you to look up at him.  

“Nobody ever touched ya before?” he pressed, his stare boring into you.  You shook your head again.  “Fuck,” he whispered, but then he started to smile proudly.  “Knew you were a good girl, princess, you just didn’t wanna act like one for some reason.  You gonna be good for me now?” 

You nodded weakly, swallowing as you tried to comprehend what was happening.  

“Then I’ll be good to you, too,” he promised darkly, a shimmer in his eyes that made you throb between your thighs.  “Come get on the bed, pretty girl.”

You almost resisted, but it was your need driving you now, not your mind.  You had been waiting too long to let a boy touch you, and now that a man had touched you, you felt all kinds of wrong and yet craved more.  Before you had even finished sitting down beside him, he was slipping off your bra and pushing you back onto the quilt.

“Sheriff!” you yelped instinctively, a little disoriented as he started to climb on top of you.

He chuckled, clearly amused by your unexpected appeal to authority.  “Wanna know a secret, sweetheart?  Wanna know the real reason I said you didn’t have to call me that anymore?”  He leaned down, his breath hot and moist against your neck when he spoke: “Because it made me so fuckin’ hard when you said it.”

He pressed his cock, still wet with your spit, against your thigh; maybe just for emphasis, a reminder that he was still hard and wasn’t anywhere near done with you.

“What are you gonna do to me…?” you asked weakly, your voice so wavering and broken that you cringed just hearing it.  

“Just gonna make you feel good, princess,” he smiled, and before you could ask what that would entail, he was groping your tits in his large, calloused hands.  A low groan echoed in his chest, and you tried not to squirm as he teased your nipples between his fingers.  They were already hardening from the moment he’d touched you, but somehow it was getting even worse when he played with them, watching your face and surely seeing the shame you wore there.

His hands trailed lower, rubbing your waist, your thighs… you found yourself anticipating that he’d remove your panties, so much so that when he did, you quickly lifted your hips to help him slide them off.  You couldn’t believe how easily you were letting him do this to you.

“I can tell how much you want it,” he taunted lowly as the fabric slid down your legs and was tossed to the floor.  “I can smell how much you want it.”  He growled a little before diving in, licking a thick stripe through your folds and taking a moment right at the end to tickle your clit with his tongue.  “So fuckin’ sweet, princess; I knew you would be,” he praised.  You were forced to wonder how long he’d been thinking about this.

The noises were beyond obscene and you felt your face burning— but there was a burning in your gut, too, and shooting down your legs.  You’d never felt like this before (being a very good girl who never even touched herself), but you knew that if he didn’t stop, you would come.  And you really, really wanted to come.

Everytime he put pressure on your clit, your leg quivered involuntarily.  It was nearly too much, the sensation so powerful it almost hurt, but he pushed you right to the edge without knocking you off.

“Please,” you found yourself begging before you could stop it, “please, Sheriff—”

“I’m not your Sheriff anymore, sweetheart,” he informed you gruffly, popping up from between your legs with the entire bottom half of his face covered in your arousal, “I’m your daddy now.  Go on and beg your daddy to fuck you.”

Eyes shot wide open, you stared back at him in bewilderment.  Rage flashed in his eyes, and he snarled as his hand suddenly wrapped around your neck, tightening and choking you. 

“You heard me,” he groaned through his teeth.  “Beg me.  To fuck you.”

“Daddy,” you stammered, hoarsely fighting to speak through the pressure on your throat, “fuck me, please.”

He slammed his cock into you and you nearly screamed.  It burned and you instinctively tried to crawl away but, of course, his weight on top of you made it impossible.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he groaned.  He laid down on top of you entirely then, slipping his arms under your torso and holding you tightly.

Each thrust made you feel like you had reached your limits, as if you couldn’t be stretched further which was probably true.  And yet, in spite of it (or worse, because of it), you found yourself moaning and writhing under him, even arching your back to make his movements smoother.  He laughed a little as he bit at the shell of your ear.

“You love it, baby,” he moaned, “you love my cock.”

You couldn’t respond, just sob as you clutched at the shirt still on his back, your jaw tight as you tried to bear the pain.  

“It’s not always gonna hurt like this,” he promised between heavy breaths, “s’gonna feel good soon.  Gonna make you feel so fuckin’ good, pretty girl.”

Truthfully, you weren’t sure if that meant that this would happen again or not.  At the moment, you were incapable of thinking that far ahead, too focused on the way the sting of the stretch was melting away and morphing into such powerful pleasure that you couldn’t even see straight.

He kissed you, and only then did the weight of it hit you.  Who he was, what he was doing, what you were doing… it had been distant and vague before, but something about his tongue inside your mouth made you remember that the metal digging into your back was his ring; that the lips on yours were sworn to somebody else— and at that, the one exact person that made this so fundamentally wrong.

Tears welled in your eyes, gentle sobs shaking your chest.

“Don’t cry, baby,” he whispered, pulling back and kissing your tears away, “feels good, don’t it?  Feels good when daddy fucks you?”

You knew speaking would only make you cry more, so you only nodded your head shamefully.

“That’s my good girl,” he moaned as he fucked you deeper, harder, rougher.  Your fingers held onto the back of his neck, running through his hair and pulling him closer.  He kept mumbling praises but they fell on deaf ears, pleasure clouding your mind and making every hair on your body stand upright.  He didn’t stop as he reached down between your bodies and laid his hand over your stomach, growling with satisfaction at what he found there.

“I can feel me inside ya,” he grinned.  “Feel that, sweetheart?  Feel how deep I am in your wet little cunt?”

When you didn’t answer, you got a quick slap to the face.  “Yes,” you replied quickly, “yes, I— I feel it.”

He buried his face into the crook of your neck, biting you there until you nearly screamed.  You couldn’t figure out why something so objectively painful only pushed you closer to your peak, making every spot inside you more sensitive, but somehow it did.

“Gonna come, pretty girl?  Want daddy to fill you up?” he groaned against your ear, pushing down on your stomach even harder.

“Yes, daddy!” you sobbed.  “Please!”

“Fuck, you’re squeezin’ me,” he hissed, “don’t fuckin’ stop.  Keep milkin’ my cock and m’gonna fill ya up so good, princess…”

You couldn’t stop even if you tried— your orgasm hit you in powerful waves, your head falling back as your walls clenched involuntarily (as did your fingers and toes, so hard that your nail tore the sheets a little bit, which you wouldn’t notice until the next day).  He grunted as he came, pumping into you with each thrust until you felt more full than you ever had before, in a way you could never describe.

The two of you stayed like that for a moment, him catching his breath and you losing yours as his weight threatened to crush you.  “Fuck,” he groaned as he sat up and pulled out.  He grabbed your legs and held them up for you, staring at your abused pussy and making you feel uncomfortably observed.

“Push it out for me, wanna see my come leak outta ya,” he purred, moaning a little when you did as he asked.  It felt even hotter as it gushed out of you, and you mindlessly bit your lip.  He tucked his softening cock back into his trousers, rezipping them and buckling his belt.  “We’d better get ya cleaned up, huh princess?” 

The bathroom wasn’t far, so he carried you, setting you down to stand on your own as he started to draw a bath.  You watched him, although you weren’t really watching him so much as staring into the void of space that happened to be in his general direction.  You were so out of it that you didn’t even register when he turned around and smiled at you with an air of pride.

“You look so good like this.”  

It pulled you out of your trance, though you had to ask him to repeat himself with a mumbled “huh?”

“I said you look good like this,” he explained, stepping closer.  “Fucked out, braindead, just my empty-headed fucktoy.”

“I… I don’t…” you began to disagree.

He used your jaw to turn your face to the mirror, and you gasped when you saw yourself: your hair was a mess; your whole face was red, especially your eyes and nose from crying, but plenty on your cheeks where he’d slapped you; your lips were swollen and slick; bruises were already forming on your arms where he’d grabbed you, and along your neck and shoulders where he had bitten you.

His form dwarfed yours as he stood behind you, looking at your reflection with a smile.

“Look at us,” he announced wistfully, “one big happy family, huh?”

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[papirouge]

the absolute Irony of seeing rightoid Christian/Antis bitching about how brainwashed leftists are by popular culture when they're doing the same, but on the opposite spectrum???

All that frenzy about civil war, rebellion, overturning government, survival stick.. Do you think it came from a vaccuum? Don't you realize these too have been pushed by Hollywood, pop culture, Netflix, video game industry, etc. for decades? None of you are above this shit, you just think you *are* on the right side, that's all.

But for the most part, you ALL watch the same shitty movies, stupid degenerate paganist anime, play the same shitty games funded with American military money to make war cool & exciting. And also dehumanizing the ennemy. Unsurprisingly the zombie apocalypse genre has become very popular lately.... it's no coincidence.

Civil war is ugly guys. It's very obvious that Western millennials and zoomers have been so pampered to the point they do not grasp how awful it can be. I lost family members to civil war. So it's unbearable for me to see American or Western European twats getting a hard on while talking about getting rid of leftists and unbelievers during some phantasmagorical "retribution day". This is chaos. There won't be any right or left, patriots or government, right or wrong. Only violence. Lots of you have no idea of what you're talking about/calling into existence.

Everyday I'm seeing "Christian" foaming at the mouth at the thought of a civil war to kill leftists. Do you think it's healthy as Christian to entertain this energy? Don't you realize there's a demon behind this nasty spirit? Do you think God doesn't love these people? We were ALL sinners. If God was as righteous as you think you are (to the point of feeling entitled death to God creatures), He would have killed US before we had the opportunity to repent (arguing the lot of you did, which I'm getting highly doubtful)

When Jesus said to love our neighbor, do you think he only talked about people we liked? The Bible warns us there is NO POINT in showing love & compassion only the people we appreciate:

Matthew 5:43-48

You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

You make me ashamed to share the same label of "Christian". Everyday cussing and mocking and running your foul mouth. Lots of pagans behave much better than you do.

Yes we can be angry, yes words can override our thoughts, but some you made an entire mood and personality of cussing and mocking and entertaining toxicity. For what purpose? Do you actually PRAY for these people? Do you actually pray for PEACE? Or do you want to exercise your weird moral superiority complex of being Christian? We really need to inspect our ways before grabbing out keyboard and ask ourselves : is it really honoring God or my ego? Would you do or say the same thing if Jesus was sitting next to you?

I know some you have this black and white like of thought consisting of antagonizing anyone who doesn't think/live like you (leftists, pro vaccine, LGBT, communist, unbelievers, feminists, BLM, etc.) but the thing is...none of it will matter when shit hits the fan. Civil war is the definition of chaos. Your own family, comrade will snitch & turn on you to have you killed. You are all children with a big mouth, you wouldn't survive facing all this crap IRL, trust me.

This is not the Retribution Day some you imagine to be. We will ALL be victims of this. It's really irresponsible of you to entertain this toxic energy and almost call for it. None of it stands right to God. And you will have to give accountability for that on Judgement Day.

You might have all the guns in the world, but none of them wil save your life because you cannot save you soul with guns ; "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword". Learn to get right before God to get His protection rather than through worldly demonic means. These won't save you if God decides to make you die because of your rebelliousness.

Walk with the light of the Christ, not the flaming torch of satan.

[prorevenge]

Neighbours refused to be quiet, so I played the long game and made them move out

A few years ago I got hired at a job in a big city with expensive rent. I slept on my brother's couch for a few months while I struggled to find a place, but eventually found someone in an old building who wanted to get out of their rental agreement. The apartment was pretty close to work and in a nice area, so I took it, almost too good to be true...

It didn't take long for me to realize I made a big mistake. The building was old, and the walls were made of plaster. Any sound reverberated like crazy, I could hear people cough and sneeze like they were standing in my place. What's worse, I shared one of these thin walls with my neighbours, who were absolutely fucking insane. They just would not shut up. I would hear a man and woman argue constantly, often until 2 or 3 in the morning. And by arguing I mean literally screaming and shouting and throwing things against the wall. When they weren't arguing they were always just LOUD, shouting and whining at each other like little kids constantly. Pretty much the quintessential toxic, obnoxious couple. And the shit they would argue about was so stupid! I remember hearing an argument about who's turn it was to steal shampoo from the drug store. One time the boyfriend decided to yell "THE BIBLE SAYS WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS" over and over again for some reason. Almost every day it would be something different and uniquely annoying.

The first real incident happened when I was woken up by screaming and banging against my wall at 1am. I did what I usually did (blasted Kenny G through my speakers at the wall until they shut up), but this time it didn't work. The banging got louder so I stopped the music, but then it got worse and sounded like a fight. It was hard to describe, but it sounded like the woman was getting beaten up. At this point I was more concerned than mad so I called my superintendent, who told me to call the police (not the US). The police came, the neighbours told them everything was fine, the police left, it was quiet, I went back to bed.

Literally the next night I am woken up again at 1am by my neighbours having another argument. This time I heard a BOOM, then the woman say "oh my god" in an weird voice, and then banging and what sounds like someone being strangled. The noises were freaky and way more concerning than even last time so I called the police again. The police came, the neighbours told them everything was fine again, the police left again, and it was quiet again, but this time the police called me back and basically told me I was an idiot for wasting their time. They said there was no evidence of any fight and both neighbours denied anything even happened. Even the superintendent said that no one else on the floor complained and intimated that I was starting to become a nuisance. I decided from this point forward I was going to go full Spielberg with video evidence.

The noise was bad for the next 6 months, and I would get woken up at least once a week after midnight by yelling and screaming. I made a few written complaints, a few videos as evidence, and sent them to the property manager. There was enough to serve them an eviction notice and go to the landlord/tenant board, but somehow the property manager fucked up the date for the hearing and it never actually took place. Thankfully the noise stopped anyway (for now...), so I assumed the neighbours finally got the message and would be quiet from now on. I didn't fight for another hearing because the eviction notice gave the neighbours an opportunity to be quiet, which they sort of did.

As an aside, the video evidence I gathered during this time was BEAUTIFUL. I was pleasantly surprised that my phone was very good at picking up their voices. It got to the point where I would get excited when I was woken up in the middle of the night, because I would run out into the hallway and film their door and room number as the noise blasted out and echoed down the hall. I gathered some damning, unambiguous evidence, pure gold, and it was all timestamped at around midnight or 1am. But because the hearing got cancelled I didn't get to present my evidence (at least not yet...)

For a few months, everything was reasonably ok. They were still loud as fuck during the day. and there were a few times after 11pm on weeknights where I went to their door and asked them to keep it down, but other than that things were mostly better, and I was starting to be able to relax in my place for once. Yet again it was too good to be true...

One day around 2:30 in the afternoon I start hearing this weird, high-pitched screeching coming from my neighbours place. And it doesn't stop for hours. I'm sitting on my couch trying to figure out what it is. It sounds like a giant fucking tropical bird moved in next door.

Well it turns out, after all the shit we went through a year ago with the noise complaints and eviction notice, my neighbours decided it would be a good idea to get a dog.

And of course these obnoxious assholes couldn't just get a quiet, normal, well-behaved dog. They had to get a completely untrained, 4 month old, tiny, yappy Pomeranian that was INCAPABLE of being quiet. This thing would yap and screech and bark over and over and over EVERY DAY for HOURS.

While I'm still coming to terms with how miserable my life is about to become, I get a note under my door. On it, my neighbour writes that she just got the dog as an emotional support animal for her mental health, and asks the whole hallway to please try to tolerate the noise.

Fuck that shit. I'd already been living next to and listening to these neighbours scream at each other for over a year. They were confirmed fucking morons; two insane, toxic assholes in a mutually abusive relationship. I knew with CERTAINTY that they weren't capable of taking care of this dog properly and the noise situation would go to complete shit.

And regarding the mental health, I was going through my own troubles during this time (in part due to lack of sleep) and was seeing a therapist. The last year of complaints should have made it clear to anyone that noise was a problem for me, especially getting woken up at night. Of all the things this neighbour could have chosen to help their mental health, they chose the most obnoxious thing possible. They knew getting a loud dog was going to be a problem and they did it anyway. It was time for WAR.

I realized if I wanted this noise to stop, or to be even taken seriously, I needed a mountain of evidence against my neighbours. I researched the evictions process and everything that was required. I checked the forms my superintendent would have to send out for an eviction notice. I read threads on reddit about slumlords and neighbour disputes. It became clear to me the only way to win was to be religiously disciplined both in gathering evidence and refusing to retaliate (no more Kenny G). I became a noise-complaint monk, taking a vow of disciplined log taking, and relying on mantras like "shut the fuck up... shut the fuck up...."

Once I submitted my first written complaint, things got bad. My neighbours flipped out when they realized I was complaining again. I heard stuff like "OF ALL THE APARTMENTS IN --- WE HAVE TO LIVE NEXT TO THIS FUCKING GUY?!" for a few days. Then the loud arguments in the middle of the night started all over again. And one of the neighbours got into the new habit of SLAMMING their chest of drawers against my wall at 2am.

The barking also got much worse. The emotional-support-animal letter said that the barking would get better once the dog was trained, but from what I could hear my neighbours methods of training began and ended with screaming at the dog just like they screamed at each other each day. "NO! BAD DOG!", "BE QUIET!", "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" came through my wall in new and varied combinations every day. And every time an argument started between my neighbours the dog would always join in, even in the middle of the night. The constant level of noise was insane.

For over a year, l logged every instance of yelling, shouting, and barking coming from my neighbours apartment. It didn't matter if it was after 11pm or not at this point, I was trying to demonstrate how I can't get peace at any time of day. And when I say every instance, I mean I had minute-to-minute logs of every loud noise and every word I heard from my neighbours wall. If I was woken up in the middle of the night it went in the log. If I heard the dog bark from 12pm-1pm on February 2nd it went in the log. If I heard someone yell "YOU PEED ON THE FLOOR AGAIN, FUCK!" at the dog it went in the log. Honestly it sucked and made me almost lose my fucking mind, but by the time I was done I had pages and pages of notes

Obviously written logs wouldn't be enough. I already had a decently fat stack of video evidence to demonstrate the true character of my neighbours, but I needed current evidence if there was going to be another hearing. Fuck Spielberg, now I was Coppola in the heart of darkness. I got more videos of screaming and shouting coming out of their door. I got videos of banging and barking against my shared wall. I got videos of screaming, shouting, banging, and barking all at the same time, or in any combination. I had amassed a war-chest of video evidence to be deployed at the next available hearing, but I was getting war-weary

At this point I was like 6 or 8 months into the complaints process and I could barely take it anymore. I was getting woken up like 2 nights a week and would be a zombie at work (I complained about my neighbours at work often). I was finding it harder and harder to keep myself from blasting music, or banging on their wall, or kicking their fucking door down. But I managed to stay strong, and I followed the eviction process like it was my religion. I sent in a second written complaint, then a third which resulted in an eviction notice, which gave the neighbours an opportunity to be quiet. This time they didn't give a fuck, if anything they were louder than ever before. I was looking for other places to move into when I finally get good news from the property manager: there's a hearing date!

There was light at the end of the tunnel, but once the neighbours heard about the hearing date they did everything they could to fuck me up. There were no attempts to stop the barking anymore, it was constant. The screaming matches were back in full force, and when they started yelling and screaming the dog would go nuts! It was just an insane amount of noise.

And the drawers were ridiculous! Honestly I never expected the slamming drawers to be that bad but they easily eclipsed the barking and the shouting. They would SLAM and SLAM and SLAM the drawers over and over again against my wall. And because of the plaster it would BOOM BOOM BOOM and echo through my whole place. These assholes were definitely doing it on purpose.

3 days before the hearing date I go to bed at 9:45pm. At 10pm I'm still not asleep but I'm startled by BOOM BOOM of the drawers, I log it and go back to bed. At 11:30pm I wake up to BOOM BOOM BOOM again, and I'm pissed off. It takes me half an hour but I fall asleep again. Then at 12:45am BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM there it is again! I call my superintendent, tell her what's going on, the super calls them and tells them to stop. I fall back asleep. Then at 1:30am BOOM BOOM BOOM I wake up super fucking angry, it's obvious they're doing this on purpose to piss me off before the hearing and get a reaction out of me. I call the super again, and go back to sleep again. Then at 2:45am BOOM BOOM BOOM I can't take it anymore. I scream "DO IT AGAIN!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!" I lost it, I couldn't help myself. My discipline broke. My superintendent calls me and tells me my neighbours just said I yelled a death threat through the wall (what the fuck?) and that they're calling the police (WHAT THE FUCK?). Everything just feels fucked now, I can't sleep so I just wait until morning. No police show up and I go to work. I realized I couldn't even stay at my place anymore until this hearing was over, so I went back to my brothers couch for the next 3 days.

Finally the big day arrives. I gather my evidence: Over a year of meticulously logged noise complaints, 6 instances of video evidence (I cherry picked the gold out of 20 good ones), the previous eviction notice the neighbours received, 4 written noise complaints (including the 2 from the previous eviction notice), a letter from my co-worker about poor work performance due to lack of sleep, and even a letter from my therapist about how my neighbours' excessive noise was affecting my mental health.

I got there and met the property manager and superintendent, who were there with the owner of the property management company and a slick looking lawyer. I handed the lawyer all my evidence. I gave him a usb stick with the videos. I even handed over my big bluetooth speaker to make sure the videos were loud enough to hear (laptop speakers suck).

I look over to my neighbours and they are wide-eyed. They look scared! Finally!

We all go into the landlord/tenant board room with everybody. The adjudicator first asks if anyone wants to mediate instead of going through with the hearing. My neighbour's hand immediately shoots up. I say in front of everybody "I don't want to mediate!" but apparently it's not up to me and the lawyer takes me aside.

The lawyer tells me if it goes to mediation, the neighbours and the property management create an agreement (e.g. no more noise at x o'clock), and if that agreement is broken once it results in an immediate eviction. He explains if we go in front of the board instead it's a 50/50 chance they either get evicted or get off completely. Obviously mediation is the better way to go, I know these idiots are already incapable of keeping quiet, so I agree with the lawyer. We go out to find the neighbours and they're nowhere to be found. Turns out they opted for the free legal counsel ( I wonder why) and won't be available until the afternoon.

While waiting I explain to the property manager, owner, and lawyer what happened a few days ago with the slamming drawers all night long. When I made my complaints before no one really took them seriously, but today everyone is very interested in everything I have to say.

The afternoon comes, and I'm excluded from the mediation meeting because it's between the neighbours, the lawyer, and the owner. I can't hear what they're saying but I can hear my neighbours yelling and shouting from inside the room so I know it's not going well for them.

Everyone leaves the room and the lawyer comes up to me. He tells me the mediation failed, the neighbours refuse to change their behaviour and won't accept any terms. The lawyer says they have to go in front of the adjudicator again but by now it's almost the end of the day.

I wait another hour or two and everyone comes out. I see my neighbours leave as the lawyer comes by again and explains. Apparently, after the mediation failed, the property management owner offered my neighbours 2 months rent FREE if they agreed to move out in 2 months. The neighbours agreed, but when they all went in front of the adjudicator the neighbours changed their minds and said no! And apparently a second offer was made, which they said yes to, and then no again, all in front of the adjudicator! They ended up running out of time and the adjudicator cut the hearing short and said it would have to be resolved in a second hearing. I was disappointed, but the lawyer assured me that because of how capricious and insane my neighbours behaved in during the hearing, they would almost certainly be evicted during a second hearing. I was dismayed that it wasn't over, but hopeful the end was coming soon. I also felt vindicated, it was finally clear to everyone that my neighbours were actually insane and I wasn't just making this up.

The next two months weren't as bad as before. I continued my long steady march of logs and videos. But the noise definitely let up, especially the drawers. One day near the end of the second month I started to hear insane barking, it would not stop. It went on for hours and hours and hours. I called the superintendent to complain when they told me it was probably because the neighbours were moving out today. YES! HAHAHA! FINALLY! Apparently she couldn't tell me earlier because of privacy reasons. As they were moving out I blasted 'Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye' on loop, put in some earplugs, and took a 2 hour bath.

My apartment is quiet now and I can finally sleep. It wasn't exactly the satisfying crushing blow I wanted but my discipline paid off and now I can live in peace.

(source) story by (/u/ZapoiBoi)

[purplesurveys]

1120

[created by: vyvyan86]

What do you do for work? I work at a public relations agency, so I handle servicing for a good number of clients across different industries. PR is basically like the extroverted sibling of journalism; and since I turned out to not enjoy journ, I gave PR a try halfway through my time in college and ended up liking it more.

What would you ideally like to do for work? I actually really enjoy what I do, like getting to work directly with big local and even international brands. I’m glad I made the decision to make the career shift because I can’t imagine how miserable I would be in a newsroom.

What are you doing in order to achieve this? I’m already where I want to be, at least for now. I don’t see it changing any time soon because I’m nowhere near tired of the work yet.

What is the meaning of your life? What is it that you really live for? Erm I don’t really try to define it or have an answer to this right away because I feel like it puts a lot of unwanted pressure on me, by me. As long as I’m satisfied in the present, I shouldn’t be worrying for whom or what my life is ultimately supposed to be.

Have you ever REALLY thought what it means to have children? Yup. Having kids would be the perfect life, but realistically speaking I am not at all ready to start that particular chapter. I don’t make enough money to be able to build a family, and I’ve never even tried changing a diaper yet...then you have to think about weekly formulas, what school to enroll them in, building a nursery...it’s all very hectic and stressful and it’s definitely not a priority as of the moment.

Are you planning to have children anyway? It would be nice, but I still don’t know if it’s in my future.

What is the most awful thing about the world today? I doooooooooon’t understand racism. It’s those videos of white people being caught on tape harassing POCs without a care in the world that get to me the most. It’s horrifying and it’s made me have close to zero plans to travel to the places where the videos usually come from. It’s happened too many times and too many clips have gone viral, that I can’t help but think it would happen to me and my family as well. What do you think is the worst being on the planet? Abusive and/or neglectful parents.

Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? Nopes.

Have you ever been in court? If so, in which role? Definitely not.

Which do you think is a more valuable being, a human or an animal? I don’t think it’s fair to compare. A life is a life.

What, in your opinion, will cause the end of the world? I’m gonna let science answer this and refer to whatever predictions they have for the future based on their calculations. 

What does your mother do for work? She works in an international hotel chain as an executive secretary, but work is actually kind of slippery for her at the moment because of Covid. There are only certain days in the week where she’s called in to report for work, and there is a chance those requests will stop coming in at a certain point.

^If she's a homemaker, any specific reason for this? She’s not anymore but she did enjoy a brief period of being a homemaker after resigning from her previous workplace back in likeeeee 2013 I’d say? which according to her had increasingly turned into a toxic environment after 20+ years of working there.

What about your father? What does he do? He is an executive sous chef. Cruise ship industry, so his situation is also actually quite bleak. Fortunately the job security with his company is a lot stronger and more guaranteed.

How do you like your coffee? I like it sweet and for its color to be light brown.

If you're of age, what's your favorite alcoholic drink? Tequila shots if we’re going hard. Long Island Iced Tea or Zombie if I’m looking to have a chill session with friends. Red Horse is fine as well, whatever. I hate beer with a passion but I’d drink it if everyone in the table is having a bottle.

If you're under-aged, what is your favorite soft drink? Bold of you to assume all minors like soda hahaha. I don’t, though.

Do you smoke? Yeah, just super seldom though because I don’t want to form a habit. I had the opportunity to last Friday but voluntarily skipped out on it, but that was also because I already had a vape pen on me.

^If so, did you start when you were 18 or were you younger? My first cigarette was when I was 21. Start of 2020.

Did your parents approve of your smoking/alcohol use before you turned 18? They wouldn’t have approved of it at all. And I wouldn’t have let myself either.

Do you have siblings? If not, skip the next few questions. Yeup.

Are you eldest, in the middle or youngest? I’m the eldest of two siblings.

How big an age gap is between you and your siblings? With my sister, 2 years. With my brother, 5 years.

Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Not at all, actually. We were all well-behaved, aka the three of us were always too shy to do anything bad or mischevious. I guess the biggest issues with each of us were - I was very messy with my stuff and ignored all my homework; Nina was a crybaby and would get into tears over literally any inconvenience; and my brother was a violent crybaby, which means he is Nina but always ready to punch you in the face, kick you in the neck or stomach, scream into your ear, etc.

If your siblings are old enough, what do they do for work? My sister is taking up digital filmmaking in an art school; my brother is only in his junior year of high school.

Have you ever been jealous of your siblings? I’m not jealous of her, but Nina is amazing at art and drawing and painting and all that stuff and I always wish I shared even like 1/98th of her skills, hahah.

Do you still live with your parent/s or do you live alone/with a partner? I live with my family, yeah. I’m nowhere near ready to start being on my own.

What do you think about growing up? Like what Paramore said (heheh), has to happen sometimes.

What about having responsibilities? I don’t really think anything of them? They’re kind of expected.

Do you know how to cook? Nope.

^If so, what's your favorite thing to cook? I don’t know how to make anything yet, but some dishes I would love to be able to master are risotto and paella. I’d also love to inherit my grandma’s kare-kare recipe but I’m already 300% sure from this early that I’ll never be able to make it as good as she does.

What about baking? I also can’t bake but some stuff I’d want to learn how to make are cupcakes, macarons, cheesecake, and a chocolate chip cookie recipe so good that my kids would literally bring their friends over to our house just to make them try it.

Do you ever drink tea? Iced tea for the most part. If I do ever drink the traditional hot tea, it’s usually because it’s served either at a hotel I’m staying at, or at an Asian restaurant.

Have you ever followed any of these fad diets that go around? I don’t follow a diet. I’m usually open to trying out foods that are packaged to fall under a certain diet, though – paleo, keto, etc. - just to experience how much different it could possibly taste from the food I typically have.

What do you usually order at your favorite restaurant? I usually get rosu, a type of tonkatsu cut that has a lining of fat on its side. My favorite restaurant then provides unlimited rice, miso soup, and cabbage with my order.

Do you prefer a proper restaurant to a fast food place? Not necessarily. I love a lot of either.

What's your dream vehicle? A Mini Countryman.

What about your dream house? I don’t have an exact image of it yet, but I always said that my dream house, wherever and whatever it might be, must have a room for all the wrestling memorabilia I plan to collect in the future. It’ll be like a ~mancave~  as I also plan to have a couch and a big TV in it so I can watch documentaries and pay-per-views there.

What is the biggest dream of your life? Right now, I would say the ‘biggest’ - since I’ve established it since I was a kid - is to go to the 50th installment of Wrestlemania, which is like the Superbowl of wrestling. This year it’ll be the 37th, so I have 13 years left to plan the dream out and save up and stuff.

If you could travel to another country right now, where would you go? Morocco.

What is a country you'd never ever visit? There isn’t a country I wouldn’t want to visit at least once. I’d probably avoid the ones that have dangerous political situations or are literally at war at the moment, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to step foot in them.

Are you good at taking care of your finances? I’m getting there! I was able to have a good amount of savings this month :) My finances were shit for the first two months of my job because there was immediately soooooooo much to pay for, but I’m glad everything is on track now.

Have you ever had any trouble paying your bills? Well no, because I don’t pay my own yet. I do hand a portion of my allowance to my parents every payday so that I can help out with the family bills, though.

What about your rent? We don’t have rent.

What do you think is the best thing about being an adult? The freedom that comes with it is very empowering. I don’t technically have to ask permission to go out with friends anymore, or be scared of a curfew (but my mom still imposes one, LOL. It’ll mellow it within time though, I’m sure); I make my own money and can spend it however way I want while the rest I can save; I can take a drive or book an entire trip altogether as long as I can afford it...it’s letting me get to know myself even more, in a way that college and my teenage years weren’t able to do.

What about the worst? Being expected to have my shit together when I’m very clueless still about so many things in life. I make fuckups at work at least once a week and I always feel like I’m going to get fired with every mistake, lol.

Is there a person in your life, who wastes their life somehow? Hmm, I don’t think so. I have an uncle who had seemed to be headed nowhere before, but I think he’s slowly getting back on track. I think. At least I don’t hear anything about him anymore.

^If so, how are they wasting their life? Never had a stable job, was a neglectful husband and father (I think he still is), was never able to secure a house and even a car for his family, and deals with his problems by drinking...and worse, drunk-driving, sometimes. It’s an embarrassment and I don’t care if my grandma tells me off for giving him the cold shoulder every family gathering. I’m not gonna get close to someone who negatively affects my mood and my energy.

What is something you need to do, but you keep postponing it? Getting a new pair of glasses. Booking an appointment is a Newly-Unlocked Adult Thing that I’ve never done yet, so I’m nervous and I keep putting it off, hahaha.

Do you think life should just hand things to you? Not at all.

Or should you earn the things you want and need with hard work? Yeah, there you go.

Would you rather live off government benefits or earn your own money? Earn on my own, as much as possible. But some balance would be nice as well so that I can start feeling as if the government is actually helping and serving me.

When you take a survey, do you skip questions? Typically, no. But some of the older ones I’ve seen made by, like, 15 year olds of the time will have nonsense, downright immature, or lowkey racist/homophobic questions that I will have no problem deleting altogether as I think no one here would have any interest in answering them either.

Why, do you think, people write lyrics as the title for a survey? To be creative and catchy, I guess. And it works - I do tend to click on surveys that use lyrics.

If you have a Facebook, what do you use it for? Look for things to share, mainly. I’m fully back on it now after going a way for a bit to do some healing on my own.

If you have a Twitter, what do you use it for? As a space to let out literally all my thoughts and brianfarts. No one cares on Twitter, so it’s the perfect space to make a mess and be a mess.

If you have a Tumblr, what do you use it for? I used to have a wrestling-themed Tumblr (and before that, many more other themed Tumblrs), but when my interest died down I soon switched to using Tumblr for my surveys and being more lowkey altogether on here.

If you have an iPhone, why? I find it easier to use, and I like the interface more. The camera’s features are also more to my liking.

If you have an iPad, why? We have a really old model of it, and we bought that because iPads were all the rage at the time. It had been the newest concept from Apple and most people felt they had to have one, including my family. We definitely don’t feel the need to get another tablet anytime soon since it just functions like a giant phone for the most part.

If you have the latest electronic gadgets, did you pay for them yourself? I’ve never paid for a gadget before.

Do you always put your litter in a trashcan? Of course. I know how to pick up after myself like a respectful human. < Yup.

When you walk/ride your bike/drive your car, are you careful? Yeah, unless I’m mad. Sometimes road rage will take over me tbh, especially if other people on the road have been stupid for quite some time.

What is the rudest thing a person could do or say to you? Something phobic after seeing Jess and I together. < This reminds me of when my ex and I used to get stares or whispers in public. But to be honest, I actually enjoyed those encounters because it only served as fuel for me to get even more affectionate and piss them off more, lol. Good times. 

Anyway, the rudest thing I can think of at the moment is being cut while in line. Some people do it so subtly too, and their shy, careful shuffle to get in front of me is what irritates me the most because THEY KNOW they’re doing something shitty and yet are being so sneaky about it.

Have you ever been that rude to someone else? I have never cut in line, never will.

Do you think your parents are proud of you and what you do with your life? I don’t know. I hope so. I don’t know if they’re expecting me to move out at this point, but I hope they’re at least proud of the fact that their first kid managed to land a job, especially considering we’re living in Covid times.

Which would you rather be, famous or a "nobody"? Why? Can’t I be somewhere in between? When it boils down to it, I’d probably go with being a nobody...I’d miss the socialization and having friends, but at least it means I can get away with more.

Do you need to have the latest fashion in clothes and accessories? It would be nice, but I’m not desperate to have them.

If you have a job, do you get along with your co-workers? Yeah, I’d say so. I definitely have never fought with anyone yet. It’s hard to gauge my relationship with each of them because I entered the workplace while we’re under WFH so I’ve only gotten to talk to most of them through Viber; but so far, so good.

What kind of hobbies do you have? I like traveling and learning, so anything that’s got to do with those - going to museums, visiting ancestral houses, trying local art forms - I would definitely dive into. But if I’m not in a new province or country altogether, I like trying out new food and new restaurants, embroidering, watching my favorite shows, coloring, painting, and reading essays about history. :)

Would anything in the whole world make you give up any of those hobbies? I’m not super attached to painting anymore, so I guess.

Have you had/do you have any pets? I currently have two dogs. In the past we’ve had a cat, a rabbit, two birds, and several goldfish.

Do you even like animals? I love them, except insects.

If you aren't already, would you ever get married? It would be a nice thing to tick off my life event list.

If you are already married, what was the ultimate reason for the marriage? -

As a child, did you do anything really bad? I was raised in a highly violent household with the worst influences as my elders. Yes, I managed to squeeze in some horrible stuff when no one was looking.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? I was violent towards my brother but won’t get into it. The only thing I’ll mention is that I used to chase him around with a knife whenever he’d start becoming too much of a headache.

As a teenager, did you do anything really bad? I don’t think so. I was well-traumatized and abused by the time I was a teenager so I was afraid of fucking anything up and being in more trouble.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? The worst thing I did was lie about my performance in school, honestly. Which, looking back now, doesn’t even seem like a big deal considering I was only in high school then and grades from there barely matter.

Do you have a problem with authority? Nope. Well, a good number of my teachers didn’t seem to like me for some reason. I’d say it’s their problem though since I never did anything to raise hell in school, ever.

What's your favorite comic strip? I don’t have one.

Is there a piece of clothing you absolutely must wear every day Underwear... < Yep.

Has a doctor ever told you to lose weight? No. I’ve always been on the lighter side so that has never been a comment given to me by anyone.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a lifelong disease? Isn’t scoliosis a lifelong thing? If it is, then yes I have been.

What is something you absolutely hate? Fruits.

What about something you absolutely love? Seafood! Which is why I have spicy tuna salad and dynamite rolls with me at the moment :)

[marlsbuck]

— && guests may mistake me as ( haley lu richardson ), but really i am ( marley buckley + cisfemale + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 6/13/1994 ). i am applying for the ( vet tech ) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite ( 211 ). i should be hired because i am ( witty & empathetic ), but i can also be ( indecisive & absent-minded ) at times. personally, i like to ( dance, knit & volunteer at the zoo ) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work.

hi pals! we’re back with a marley mae revamp! our favorite lil cowgirl is getting the makeover she deserves, so let’s get started, shall we?

before we get too into it, though, we have a stats page and a pinterest (which is also getting a revamp before too long bUT...i digress).

lil tw moment: abuse, alcohol, drug, death mention tws. per usual, i went a little heavy on the tws just to be safe! 

- marley mae buckley was born june 13th, 1994 to finnegan and shailene buckley.

- her father is a chief exec at an oil company and her mother was a stay at home mom and socialite, the latter of which she preferred.

- the family moved to billings, montana shortly after marley was born so her father could be more involved with work. this meant her mother had more time on her hands and more time to attempt to mold marley into the perfect daughter.

- except marley liked dirt, climbing tress, and pretending to ride the family dog like a rodeo bull.

- needless to say that did not go well????

- substance abuse tw early in marley’s life, her mother mixed prescription pills and pinot, which only made the tension between the two more intense. 

- abuse tw baby marls never understood why her mother would want to self medicate, essentially checking out and missing a majority of her only child’s life, until one night after her father came home after a day of ‘meetings’. smelling like expensive scotch and cigar smoke, marley saw her father hit her mother for the first time.

-  abuse tw she didn’t witness the actual abuse often, but marley started noticing the signs more and more often. bruises around wrists, large sunglasses when it wasn’t sunny out, concealer caked around her eyes and jaw. for a while, she begged her mother to take her and leave, but marley’s mother refused - firm in her belief that she wouldn’t be able to make it on her own.

- so they endured. more often than not, marley’s mother took her pain and frustration out on her daughter. it didn’t take long for marley’s parents toxicity to turn her into an angry, resentful person. marley was around 8 when she started acting out - “accidentally” breaking things around the house, saying out of pocket things at her father’s work events or fancy dinner parties. marley was 10 the first time she left home and didn’t come back for hours on end, only to come back and realize no one had really noticed she was gone.

- when she was about 13, marley really started acting out and rebelling. she started hanging out with a rougher group of kids who were significantly older than her. even though she never took part in the more intense stuff, marley did manage to get herself into some trouble that finally managed to catch her parents’ attention.

-  one night, while out with that older, rougher group of friends, marley was arrested for a destruction of property charge. since she was a minor, her parents were called immediately and, after making a sizable donation to billings pd, made the whole thing go away.

- officially done dealing with marley and the whole “mothering” of it all (if you can call it that), her parents shipped her back to their hometown of big timber to live with her paternal grandparents.

- she tried to run away a few times (even going so far as to steal her grandfather’s work truck - even tho she didn’t get far because she didn’t know how to drive stick yet) because rebellious, but after paw made her stay and help one of their cattle give birth, marley fell in love.

- marley fell in love with every animal on the ranch - all their quirks and distinct personalities. it quickly became the home marley’d never had. it was warm and loving and full of joy and life. her grandparents became the only parents she’d ever really known.

- they were the only reason marley agreed to go back to her parents. they’d made a deal that if she behaved at “home”, she’d be able to spend the rest of her summers at the ranch.

- so marley went back to her parents and did the dance classes, and dinner parties, and even did the whole debutante thing and “came out” to society.

- at 16 she petitioned to be emancipated and a judge granted said petition. she promptly moved into the renovated barn at the ranch that her grandparents had rented out while she finished school.

- marley ended up graduating early and began attending classes at the local community college, eventually getting her associates in science all while still working on the ranch when she could.

- at 19, marley began classes at montana state, majoring in microbiology as a pre-vet track.

- death tw shortly after she finished her first year at msu, marley found out her mother passed unexpectedly. when she went to attend the services, her father effectively disowned her (even though they hadn’t spoken in years) and blamed her for her mother’s issues and death.

- marley came back to the ranch more depressed than she’d ever been and instead of dealing with the hurricane of emotions she felt, marley dropped out of school and ran

- marley drove all along the west coast, eventually settling on a cattle farm in texas.

- there, marley met literally the worst thing to ever happen to her. only a month or two after settling in texas, marley started dating wade because mess attracts mess. duh. his parents owned the farm she was working on and he gave her attention. that’s it. that’s all it took.

- abuse tw it didn’t take long for the gas lighting, lying, and cheating to start. a short six months into their relationship was when the physical abuse started. growing up, she’d always told herself that she’d never allow a man to treat her the way she’d watched her father treat her mother - that she’d be stronger than her mother and leave after the first time. finally, though, marley realized the battle her mother had fought to endure all those years of abuse and just how hard it was to muster the courage to leave. 

- to this day, marley carries around the guilt of spending years blaming her mother for being weak and missing the opportunity to apologize while she was still alive.

- eventually paw caught on and WASN’T having any of it. so he snuck down with maw in the middle of the night while wade was out on a bender and packed marley’s shit and took her back home to the ranch like the knight in shining armor that man is.

- two years of animal therapy and literal therapy, marley applied to finish her bachelors in chicago after maw suggested it. she was accepted and once again left her home behind, but this time it was to chase her dream and we’re all v proud.

- she’s been at the mlanati now for two years and has finished her bachelors and is a certified vet tech. she’s currently in her last year of undergrad and is getting ready to start applying to vet schools officially.

hcs!

- marley is a jeeple. she owns a 2008 black jeep wrangler x. 100% named it ringo. definitely has a black jeep of the family bumper sticker and let me tell you, this girl is SO proud.

- y’all will never catch this girl in shoes. she will start the day in shoes and by the time lunch rolls around she’s barefoot. the only pair of shoes she enjoys wearing are her justin boots or her vvv worn out vans. 

- she knits when she’s anxious, which is more often than not now that she’s in a new place. but it also means she’s giving out cute lil beanies and scarves to her new frens.

- loves and i mean LOVES westerns. tombstone and gunsmoke were staples growing up.

- also probably the worlds biggest dolly parton fan. if it involves dolly, marley is in.

- ALIENS, MAN. your girl loves aliens and most space things. roswell (the og and new shows) are her jam bc...y’know....cowliens.

- she has three tattoos: some wildflowers on her upper left ribs, “worthy” in her grandpa’s handwriting on her upper right forearm, and the silhouette of big timber peak at the nape of her neck.

- marley is also one of those people that doesn’t need a ton of sleep? 4-5 hours max and she’s golden.

- cold brew coffee also runs through her veins. her coffee order is a trenta cold brew with hazelnut and almond milk, thanks. it’s also probably one of the reasons she never stops moving....ever.

- big time questioning her sexuality. marley’s only ever been with men, but uuuuuhhhhh WOMEN y’know? also nb folx are v nice. we do not discriminate in this house.

- 2 cats! doc (7 y/o himalayan long hair) and ike (2 y/o munchkin). both rescues she met while volunteering at a shelter.

- snake tw would also v much like a colombian rainbow boa pls and thank

- will always make time to take a dance class or book space to just dance all her feelings out. it’s one of the few joys she has that comes without feelings of pressure or stress. 

- holds most  people at arms length. she’s more than happy to listen and support everyone around her, but is a literal steel trap when it comes to talking about herself and her past.

- alcohol/drugs tw not a drinker. buckley’s don’t have a great track record of being able to handle their liquor (never let her do shots pls), so marley sticks to the occasional blunt. esp when she’s feeling extra anxious, it calms her down and evens her out.

- she do be jumpy af! loud noises (that don’t obviously come from animals) make her anxious and shaky. it’s the *pTsD*.

- marley’s triggers include but are not limited to: grabbing her face/chin, breaking glass, loud noises - specifically yelling, general violence, the smell of vodka or scotch and cigar smoke, being grabbed from behind/picked up without warning.

wanted connections!

- travel pals! : people marley met on her trip from montana to texas! she wouldn’t have stuck around long, but she was a hot ass mess and these would have been people who met her at p close to her lowest? so seeing her at the malnati would be like meeting a whole new person. she’ll probs be hella flustered and embarrassed so, like, we love that.

- hype squaaaaaad! : marley’s self esteem is still.........nonexistent, almost. she’s all about giving the love, but is the worst at accepting it, so obviously we need someone to shove all the love and positive affirmations her way! help ya girl see her worth!

- post hook ups! : likely only one or two! marley isn’t one to hook up unless she’s feeling pretty awful about her self and needs some instant validation. can be awkward or cordial! i’m down to plot specifics!

- crushes! : unrequited or nah (lbr i’d live for unrequited pls) male, female, nb - gimmie it all! babie is ready to give all the love....kinda. from afar. bc trauma. bUT!!! leggo. lololol.

- confidant! : literally probably the only connection that’s limited to one person. they know eeeeverything. every horrid, gruesome detail about marley’s past and all her insecurities. they could be someone that met her when she was on her way to texas/she met in texas or someone she met after and got to witness one of her panic attacks post texas. aka the one person she trusts most.

- scurry folx! : pls gimmie plots where marley is at odds with someone, whether or not it’s because they scare her a lil (aka angry, aggressively loud, bully-ish type someones) or just people who can’t handle her goofy, oddball, pollyanna type personality! i. need. ANGST!! pls. ty.

- chemistry, ofc!

[phoenixfangs]

okay this post got a little out of hand so its going under a readmore, im rambling abt irredeemable media and purity culture and the critical culture on tumblr and how it jazzes me up and infuriates me at the same time. i mention killing stalking specifically so if u dont wanna see that go ahead and skip this one

ive been a little fascinated by the concept of "irredeemable media" lately and like. i think we as a community on tumblr r trying so hard to compartmentalize media into only two boxes: problematic and unproblematic. and i think thats A Little idiotic LMAO

oftentimes were not even digging into the material we just See smthn like a distasteful trope or a -phobia or -ism Somewhere in the material and brand it problematic, and leave it at that. most "critics" (i hesitate to call them that but i dont have a better word) on this site dont even watch or read the thing theyre talking abt -- its valid to not Want to read smthn like killing stalking but at the same time how many ppl decrying it as The Worst Possible Thing have read even a chapter of it? my guess is very few

(this is NOT an endorsement of killing stalking btw, this is what started my fascination with "irredeemable media" so i am currently reading it to see if it rlly is that bad, and like. yeah its p god awful LMAO i cant in good conscience even recommend it for others to review/critique it its so vile. i want to make it abundantly clear that i am NOT reading it to enjoy it, i am NOT enjoying it in really any way while i am reading it, i think its disgusting in the way it depicts homosexuality, abuse/sexual assault and the way it treats women as a whole. i just wanted to read it bc now i have proof to back up any points i happen to make abt it being a disgusting story, bc im the type of person that wants to experience the Thing b4 i give genuine criticism of it)

ANYWAY killing stalking is maybe not the best example of my point bc even if u havent read it its not hard to accurately criticize it bc it rlly is Just That Awful but its what i brought up bc its what im investigating rn (i dont even wanna call it 'reading' bc thats embarrassing that im reading it LOL im investigating im doing research on killing stalking this is a scientific venture of mine), but like ill see smthn labelled as "irredeemable media" and i think "hm. has this person ever engaged with the material? how do they know its irredeemable? did they actually read/watch/whatever or did they see a lot of ppl talking abt it on tumblr?"

and like i said, i have no problems w anyone who looks at smthn labelled "irredeemable" and decides they dont want to engage w it, i couldnt give less of a shit what other ppl do with their time at this point in my life, i just think the critical culture on tumblr makes it maybe not the best place to get accurate, authentic criticism of things that have problematic elements (or anything rlly, the critical thinking skills on tumblr r subpar at best even when it comes to "good" or "acceptable" media)

and anyway im more fascinated w the culture of engaging w "irredeemable media": if u consume X media that is bad then, by the transitive property, u r bad. THAT is what fascinates and infuriates me abt the critical culture on tumblr. am i a bad person now bc im reading an Objectively Problematic comic as research, even tho literally nothing else abt my behavior/thoughts/morals has changed besides the mere existance of this comic in my life? will i be viewed as a dangerous person bc im reading an Objectively Problematic comic even though im actively decrying it and authentically telling u how bad it is and how much i dislike it and dont want others to read it because its so bad?

bc its not just media we try to box up into "problematic" and "unproblematic", its consumers too. for some reason when it comes to things deemed "irredeemable", if ANYONE engages with the source material, they r suddenly branded as "irredeemable" too, and any nuance of the situation is sucked out into the vacuous wasteland of media criticism on this website. obviously i think it goes without saying that bad media attracts bad ppl but at the same time, we make that assumption abt EVERY consumer of bad media, and i think thats unfair and narrow minded, esp through the lens of criticism

ppl want a moral high ground so badly, they want to feel superior to others so badly, that they jump at the opportunity to call someone an X apologist bc they consumed a media one time. purity culture on this website makes media criticism so difficult and toxic and its. ITS INTERESTING. ITS FRUSTRATING. I LOVE AND I HATE IT. i want to study some of u ppl like animals, the way u react when u hear someone watched hetalia one time or read homestuck one time or laughed at family guy one time. if i had the time i would Genuinely write a think piece on this phenomenon bc its so fascinating to see ppl playing into this purity culture and trying to one up each other by saying "well i NEVER watched this or read that so im morally superior to this other person who did"

i guess my point is, purity culture goes beyond just wanting pure, wholesome media with no flaws and no problematic elements (which is impossible btw bc everybodys standards r different) for the sake of. idk -- ppl like that would claim its to create a positive non-toxic space for folks in margianalized identity groups or smthn probably but idk if i buy that from ppl who behave in such a self righteous, self fellating sort of way -- but that demand for purity extends to consumers of problematic media as well and, who is it passing judgement on those ppl from on high, like a god? the same idiots sitting at their computers reblogging "x my beloved" gifs, same as anyone else

i guess what im actually saying is that NOBODY on this website has any right to pass such harsh judgement on anyone else, nobody anywhere has the right to feel superior to anyone else just bc they only watch pure childrens cartoons and not terrible problematic things like game of thrones or whatever

[seghs24]

Shitty Snake Advice

I constantly see bad, incorrect and downright dangerous “advice” online about snake identification and information so I’m going to correct some of the things I see most frequently:

1. “Venomous snakes have slit-pupils and non-venomous snakes have round ones, so if it has round eyes it’s safe!”

(X)

(X)

So the top one is safe to give a hug and kiss to and the bottom one is dangerous, right? No. The top one is a venomous king cobra and the bottom one is a harmless green tree python. Eye shape means nothing. Also, depending on the lighting conditions, snakes with slit-shaped pupils may have pupils that are more round, just like how a cats pupils will change shape depending on if they’re in a bright room or a dark room.

2. “Red on yellow will kill a fellow, red on black is a friend to Jack!”

Besides the fact that there’s five hundred different versions of this rhyme, children’s rhymes shouldn’t be used to identify whether or not a snake is venomous or non-venomous.

Here’s some reasons why that rhyme isn’t always true, and some other myths and facts about coral snakes

3. If you have snakes in your yard, just use mothballs to deter them!

No, no, no, one thousand times no. Not only are mothballs extremely toxic to the environment and NOT INTENDED FOR OUTDOOR USE, they don’t do shit to repel snakes or anything else. The best way to repel snakes from your yard is to keep it clean of debris and brush that snakes can find shelter in, and get rid of any rodent infestations you have so there’s no food for the snake.

4. X is always this, Y is always that

In nature, there are no “always”. The best way to identify snakes is to learn about the individual species in your area instead of relying on general advice like “This snake is always that color” or “That snake is always in a tree”. 

Rattlesnakes might lack a rattle due to a birth defect or injury, a copperhead may have an aberrant striped pattern instead of the usual hershey-kiss shapes, a snake that is normally a dark brown could be white due to albinism, so on and so forth.

5. But I have to kill them nasty copperrattlersnakes! They’re gonna hurt my poor babie childrens!

...Or you could just supervise your children, because your are the parent and that is your job, and if they’re old and smart enough to understand, just teach them not to go picking up random wild animals.

Running up to a snake to bash its head in with a shovel greatly increases your risk of being bitten due to the fact that you need to get close to the snake to kill it, and shooting at something low down on the ground, if you miss, is a great way to cause something to ricochet up and injure or kill you. Not to mention the fact that many species of snakes are protected and illegal to kill.

The best way to deal with snakes in unwanted locations is to keep your yard clean and rodent-free like I said before, but if a snake comes to visit you can usually scare them off by GENTLY spraying them with the hose. You can also call a professional to come and relocate the snake and take the opportunity to teach your children the importance of snakes and how to behave around them.

When I was a child living in Florida there was a cottonmouth on my patio. I saw it, coiled up with its mouth open, thought it was quite intimidating, and went to get my dad. He got a golf-club and used it as an impromptu snake hook and lifted the snake up and put it out in the grass. No one got bit and the snake didn’t die a slow and painful death from head trauma and internal bleeding.

[recentanimenews]

The Wize Wize Beasts of the Wizarding Wizdoms

“Whimsical tales of anthropomorphic beasts in love”–or so the dust jacket of The Wize Wize Beasts of the Wizarding Wizdoms promises. The eight stories in this collection do feature a race of half-animal, half-human creatures who generally behave like boys at a British boarding school, forming intense friendships that sometimes cross the line into romance. I’m a little reluctant to call these stories “whimsical,” however, as that word implies a certain degree of playfulness that was lacking in most of the stories, some of which were intensely sincere, and some of which raised legitimate questions about boundaries and consent.

Wize Wize Beasts unfolds at a special academy “dedicated to the study of wizardry,” where demi-humans of every imaginable type peacefully co-exist as they learn the arts of potion-making, spell-casting, and alchemy. Each story centers on a pair of opposites: prey and predator, teacher and student, mammal and reptile, smart and average, gay and straight, plain and pretty, human and animal. The one exception focuses on a pair of vampire bats who look and act so much alike that their classmates sometimes mistake them for identical twin brothers. Most of the stories, however, fall under the general heading of “unrequited love,” in which one demi-human pines for his opposite, but can’t muster the courage to say how he feels.

In the most enjoyable chapters–“Marley & Collette,” “Cromwell & Benjamin”–Nagabe explores the healthier side of attraction, showing how strong feelings of admiration and concern can bring out the best in friends, allowing for moments of tenderness, warmth, and emotional honesty even when the friendship remains platonic. My favorite–“Mauchly & Charles”– read like an irresistible mash-up of Winnie the Pooh and The Girl from the Other Side, focusing on a bear (Mauchly) and the human he rescued (Charles) from a dark, rainy forest. After Charles returns to his own world, he and Mauchly hold an annual reunion, using this ritual as an opportunity to reflect on what’s changed in the ensuing year. The story offers positive messages about the power of male friendship, modeling the kind of emotional vulnerability and candor between two male characters that is largely missing from movies, television, and comics.

The weakest stories in the collection, by contrast, often conflate possessive or coercive behavior with romantic attraction, justifying one character’s actions by suggesting his feelings were so intense that they compelled him to transgress social norms. In “Doug & Huey,” for example, a crow (Doug) carries a torch for his handsome friend Huey, who–natch–is a peacock. Though Huey spends most of his time chasing girls, Doug’s devotion to him is unwavering–so much so, in fact, that Doug sabotages Huey’s efforts to land a girlfriend so that Huey will “never be closer to someone else.” Huey, for his part, is so deeply narcissistic that he doesn’t recognize Doug’s controlling behavior, creating a deeply toxic bond between them that is presented as a simple case of unrequited love.

The issue of consent lingers over other chapters in Wize Wize Beasts as well. “Alan & Eddington,” for example, depicts the friendship between a brilliant Siamese (Alan) and a hardworking rabbit (Eddie) who’s dazzled by his classmate’s effortless mastery of complex subjects. Afraid that Alan will reject his advances, Eddie concocts and serves him a love potion. While under the influence of Alan’s spell, Eddie compels Alan to kiss him and profess his love for him–a scene that’s meant to be a little naughty, I think, but instead registers as squicky. Alan confronts Eddie about the incident, but then invites Eddie to “start over” without a magical aide, undercutting the power of his previous speech about Alan’s “cowardly” behavior.

If I was sometimes ambivalent about the content, I found Nagabe’s crisp illustrations thoroughly enchanting. His anthropomorphic character designs capture the essential animal natures of each character while retaining just enough human features for Nagabe to plausibly swathe them in flowing capes and tweedy trousers. Nagabe’s command of light, shadow, and line is superb, creating a strong sense of place without excessive reliance on screentone or tracing; his characters inhabit a well-defined world that has been vividly rendered on the page.

In the afterword to Wize Wize Beasts, Nagabe cheerfully jokes about “winning” readers over to his particular fandom. “I’d be deeply honored if this work exposes more people to non-human characters,” he notes. “And if you start to think, ‘Wow, non-human characters are awesome,’ go on. Get in there up to your neck.” I can’t say that Wize Wize Beasts made me a convert, but I did admire Nagabe’s creativity, sincerity, and honesty, as well as his willingness to take narrative risks that might not pay off with all readers. Your mileage may vary.

THE WIZE WIZE BEASTS OF WIZARDING WIZDOMS • STORY AND ART BY NAGABE • TRANSLATED BY ADRIENNE BECK • SEVEN SEAS • RATED TEEN • 228 pp.

By: Katherine Dacey

[bearer-of-the-light]

Think twice before shouting your virtues online – moral grandstanding is toxic

by Joshua B. Grubbs 14 January 2020 The Conversation https://theconversation.com/think-twice-before-shouting-your-virtues-online-moral-grandstanding-is-toxic-128493

In an era of bitter partisanship, political infighting and ostracization of those with unpopular views, Americans actually agree on one thing: 85% say political discourse has gotten worse over the last several years, according to Pew Research.

The polarization plays out everywhere in society, from private holiday gatherings to very public conversations on social media, where debate is particularly toxic and aggressive.

For psychologists like myself, who study human behavior, this widespread nastiness is both a social problem and a research opportunity. My colleagues and I have zeroed in on one specific aspect that might help explain America’s dysfunctional discourse: moral grandstanding.

Moral grandstanding

The term may be unfamiliar, but most people have experienced moral grandstanding.

Examples of moral grandstanding include when a friend makes grand and extreme proclamations on Twitter about their deepest held values regarding climate change, for instance, and when a campaigning politician makes bold – but clearly untrue – ideological claims about immigration.

Philosophers coined the phrase to describe the abuse of so-called “moral talk” – an umbrella term encompassing all conversations humans have about our politics, beliefs, values and morals.

Usually, people engage in moral talk to learn from, connect with or persuade someone else. They might say of their decision not to eat any animal products, for example, “I am vegan for environmental and animal rights reasons.”

Moral grandstanding occurs when people use moral talk, instead, to promote themselves or seek status. So a moral grandstander might say, “I am vegan because it is the only moral decision. If you care about the planet, you can’t eat animal products.”

For moral grandstanders, conversation is a means to an end – not a free exchange of ideas.

A desire for respect from our peers is normal in humans, as are the desires for safety, love and belonging. Social scientists have traced the evolutionary origins of status seeking to prehistoric times.

Moral grandstanding, however, is a special kind of status seeking. It implies that someone is using conversations about important or controversial topics solely to get attention or impress others.

Severed ties and broken relationships

Just because someone touts their virtues – whether on Twitter or in conversation – does not mean they are morally superior to everyone else.

In a recently published study conducted with a team of other psychologists and philosophers, we asked 6,000 Americans a series of questions about who and why they share their deepest moral and political beliefs with. People who reported sharing beliefs to gain respect, admiration or status were identified as grandstanders.

Almost everyone indicated they had some history of grandstanding, but only a few – 2% to 5% – indicated they primarily used their moral talk to promote themselves.

We found that moral grandstanders were more likely to experience discord in their personal lives. People who reported grandstanding more often also reported more experiences arguing with loved ones and severing ties with friends or family members over political or moral disagreements.

People who indicated using their deepest held beliefs to boost their own status in real life also reported more toxic social media behaviors, picking fights over politics on Facebook, for example, and berating strangers on Twitter for having the “wrong” opinions.

Philosophical accounts of grandstanding strongly suggest that moral grandstanders behave less morally than other people in other ways, too. They are more likely to rudely call others out for not being virtuous enough, systematically disparage entire groups of people and hijack important conversations to serve their own purposes.

When the natural human desire for respect leads people to seek status in situations when they would be better served by listening, it seems, this behavior can drive friends, family and communities apart.

Other reasons for discord

The rise of moral grandstanding isn’t the only reason discourse in the United States has taken a turn for the worse.

Politics have grown extraordinarily polarized, which is both a cause and effect of social polarization. Politically active people feel more animosity and less trust toward “the other side” than they have in generations.

Social media itself seems to accelerate conflict, creating echo chambers of likeminded people that are galvanized against others and driving cycles of outrage that quickly escalate and stifle public participation in important conversations.

So ending moral grandstanding won’t magically fix the public debate in the United States. But tamping it down would lead the country in a more productive direction.

How to handle moral grandstanding

Consider assessing your own conversation style, reflecting about what you say to others and why. When you enter into contentious territory with someone who differs in opinion, ask whether you’re doing so because you’re genuinely interested in communicating and connecting with your fellow human – or are you just trying to score points?

Thinking honestly about your engagement on social media – ground zero for moral grandstanding – is particularly important.

Do you post controversial material just for likes and retweets? Do you share social media posts of people you disagree with just to publicly mock them? Do you find yourself trying to one-up the good deeds of someone else to make yourself look good to people whose respect you crave?

If so, then you may be a moral grandstander.

If not, you can still fight moral grandstanding by recognizing and dissuading these behaviors in others. Given that moral grandstanders crave status, respect and esteem from others, depriving them of the attention they seek is probably the best deterrent.

[chebleedsink]

Narcissus’ Shadow

Do you ever find yourself covering for someone just because you feel bad for them, just quietly keeping to the shadowlands that they create for you? Maybe because they’re not all bad all the time, and in fact they can wonderful when they want to be? Because generally speaking, they treat most everyone (aside from yourself) really well. Maybe because you know their damage and toxic behaviors started in childhood, where they couldn’t choose to walk away from it? Or maybe because you know how alone and awful they feel on the inside all the time? Maybe because you’re empathetic enough that you not only can imagine, but can physically, mentally, or emotionally feel what it’s like to be them?

I know I do. It’s become second nature to me. I tend to side with the villains and “bad guys” in movies often too, for the same reasons. Really horrible people that do really horrible things, usually weren’t born that way, and they often had really horrible things happen to them first. Reminding myself that they are the hero in their own story isn’t a far stretch at all. I am even pretty certain that if I was ever held hostage, there would be a real possibility that I would develop Stolkholm syndrome if I saw the slightest trace of humanity left in my captor. I always think, “if only someone would love them unconditionally and hold some space for them, just give them the opportunity to change, they might not be villains anymore.” I’m sure the odds would be in favor of that being true some of the time, but some people are so caught up in their roles they play, that they can’t even see themselves for their behavior. Some people can see it, but can’t or won’t change it. Many of them just blame outside causes, while refusing to take any kind of responsibility for fixing things. They don’t want to be fixed. It’s not their problem.

I’m painfully aware that conditions like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, (and less commonly Psychopathy, and Sociopathy), at any point of their wide spectrums, wreak havoc in peoples lives, affecting not just the person suffering with them, but often everyone that comes in contact with them. Alongside generalized anxiety and depressive disorders, these extremely destructive personality disorders like NPD and BPD are taking the spotlight. Dare I say that our society currently supports and encourages the traits, behaviors, characteristics, and tendencies that are indicators of these disorders? Some people have figured out how to put these behaviors to good use, and they use them to unapologetically advocate for animal welfare, or starving children, environmental issues or other human right’s issues. Unfortunately though, that is probably the exception to the rule, and even when directing their attention at these just causes, they are still trampling the people that get in their way underfoot without a second thought.

So many people are either suffering from these disorders directly or indirectly, and so much mental and emotional damage is caused because of them. Someone with several of these traits wouldn’t even have to be considered disordered or even on the spectrum, (and they certainly don’t need to have been clinically diagnosed), in order to hurt the people around them. They are just as toxic in their own way. To know that highly empathetic people have turned into these people due to emotional numbing after feeling too many extreme emotions, as well as knowing people who were previously abused by this same type of person also become these people, is truly heart-breaking. It’s such a cruel cycle to see.

I know all of this, I know mental illness is not the mentally ill’s fault, I know it’s not fair to blame their damage on themselves, but I also know that many of these same people have been given opportunities to better themselves and they often choose not to. Again, with these types of disorders, those who are inflicted with them often can’t or won’t acknowledge that they need help, nor will they acknowledge the damage they cause. They very rarely see therapists for these particular issues, because to them, they aren’t their issues. Some of them can’t even feel bad about the things they do (due to a lack of empathy), even though they may have learned to act like they do. Some of them see reality completely backwards, where they honestly believe that everything they do to others, is actually what’s being done to them. Some of them are so good at fooling even themselves, and they have adapted so well to hiding, that they believe they are the empaths being abused in their various relationships. Empaths feel other peoples’ emotions, whereas narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths fake other peoples’ emotions. Sometimes it’s near impossible to tell the difference.

Aside from complete avoidance, how do you even begin to deal with these types of people in a healthy or productive way? Even worse, some of those people are just dipping a toe in and out of the spectrums of those disorders, and you can still see some hope for them. Hope that the switch won’t flip all the way, that they won’t be completely lost to it. Hope that they’ll come back around, or that meds and therapy could help. That hope is miserable. It destroys more people than the disorders themselves ever could. But for some of us, if there’s hope, we’ll still put ourselves in front of the train in the hope that we can help, in the hope that we can all be saved. Too often though, we are just hit by the train, and surviving and recovering from that train-wreck is a long and painful journey. Some of us never recover.

Even after spending the last 5 years cutting these types of people out of my life, there are some I can’t escape. It’s just not an option. So, to maintain the “peace”, I find myself still covering for them. I find myself treading water in the wake of their explosive fits and moods, just concentrating on the damage control to follow and on not drowning. And I am so tired of it, I hate it, I am done with it. It doesn't fix anything, and I'm pretty sure it always just perpetuates more problems than it solves, yet I still do it all the time.

Why? Why continue covering up their bad behavior behind the scenes? Why bite my tongue? Because I don't want to upset anyone, and they're already having a hard time, and if I don't have anything nice to say..., and it wouldn't make a difference anyway (-in fact it just causes more problems), and we have mutual friends, and they monitor my Facebook posts and have actually told me not to air my dirty laundry on social media (even though they do so regularly), besides, they’re not really that bad all the time, the list goes on.

I was so angry and upset the other night and I wanted nothing more than to vent on fb, mostly because writing is how I work through things, and because there are always a few people online to commiserate with who have gone through similar experiences, but once again, I didn't, because of all of the above reasons.

The next morning I thought I'd have calmed down a bit, but I hadn't. My brain was literally screaming at me to stop covering for him. Because it's not fair. And I know that. And I've literally put up with it for a decade. That's a long time to put myself on the quiet chair for someone else's sake. Two days later, and my brain won’t let it go.

I have spent years trying to be a better person, always improving myself, working through my baggage so I don’t have to keep carrying it around, generally just trying to be a decent human being really. My brain is demanding that I break this pattern of sweeping other people’s trash under my rug. And I really want to, but I still feel like I shouldn’t. I’ve been well-trained.

Honestly, I just wish I didn't always feel so bad for them, like I'd be kicking a downed horse if I ever called them out. But what do you do when the horse is always down? And when they’re actually up, between minute moments of calmness, they're extremely reactive and aggressively defensive, they’re kicking and biting you or things around you, they’re shitting everywhere, they’re loud, they’re stomping mud through the house, breaking things, leaving the barn door open, always threatening to run away, and you're afraid that anything you say to them, any way you say it, whether he's calm or otherwise, might set him off or upset him even more causing an even worse tantrum. You’re stuck in close proximity, but could you just avoid the horse? Maybe that way you'd feel less tempted to kick it? Oh, but wait... avoiding the horse just upsets the horse too?

Even worse, what do you do when those people have spent so much time convincing other people that they aren't like that at all? When they've convinced you that you're the only reason they behave like that? When they've actually convinced you that you're the one behaving that way, not them? When they claim to be the emotionally fragile one that you keep attacking?

Gaslighting is no joke, and even if you know it's happening, it's so easy to get sucked back into. It's like quicksand. The harder you fight against it, the more you panic when it's being flung at you, the deeper it pulls you in. I've learned the best reaction is to not react, and to stay calm, but that is not easy to do when your brain is screaming "Oh my gods! He's doing it again!!! Panic!!! Fight or Run!!!!.....Wait, maybe it is me and I am really the abusive crazy one!?!? No!!! Fight Back!!! Explain to him how he's twisting everything around!!!! Maybe it is my fault, I never should have said anything…Did I really do those things?.. But that’s what I was just saying…. Maybe I just don’t remember…" Before you know it, it's sucked you back under, because there's no point in arguing with someone who knows exactly how to gaslight you. You will never win that fight.

Fatigue is setting in. I’m exhausted with this person, with these people. I am tired of watching them say one thing, while they are actually doing the total opposite. I'm so tired of watching them play the victim and the pity me cards on social media, when behind the scenes it's so obvious that even though they are mostly responsible for their own suffering, they have zero self-accountability. I'm tired of double standards, especially the one where they expect to be thanked and appreciated for every single thing they do, every time they do it, even though they don't do the same, and in fact they rarely even notice (and certainly don't acknowledge) even half of the things that someone else does.

I am beyond tired of these people bragging about their greatness, and how much they do for other people, when it's all just for show and personal gain under the guise of philanthropy. I'm tired of them complaining about how hard they have it when they have been given so many handouts in life, especially when they've literally shoved other people out of the way to get where they are. I’m tired of their sense of entitlement that they claim to not have.

I am tired of the type of people who constantly make other people feel like an inconvenience, especially when it's their turn to repay a favor or a debt, or to hold up their end of a bargain or partnership. Especially, when they willingly made a deal or agreed to something (which they most likely never expected to be held accountable for.) I’m tired of people who talk over or belittle other people as an attempt to publicly shame or dominate them. I’m tired of them always stepping into the spotlight when it’s someone else’s turn.

I'm tired of people who try to hold others hostage with power-plays, and by manipulating emotions. I'm tired of damaged people getting away with damaging other people just because they're damaged. I'm tired of inconsiderate people. I'm tired of hypocrites.  I'm tired of constantly volatile, hyper-defensive people who don't take responsibility for anything. I'm tired of people who try to shift the blame from themselves to everyone or anyone else they possibly can.

I'm tired of cleaning up other people's messes, literally and metaphorically, of all types, shapes and sizes. Even more than the actual "cleaning" part, I'm tired of being expected to do the job. I’m just as tired of expecting myself to do the job. I’m tired of people doing a half-assed job because the “job” isn’t their choice of what they want to do, and I’m tired of people putting in the least amount of effort possible. I’m tired of people who have no clue how to be a team-player.

I'm tired of people who give or do things for others as a way to put people in debt to them, or to be able to take credit for their successes later on. I am tired of "those" people who say, "but you don't see things from my side", or "you never listen to me". You know, the ones that when they say that, it's such a pile of crap and it's painfully obvious that they only see their own side of anything. The same people may be able to repeat back exactly what you said, but they didn't "hear" a word of it. I'm tired of talking to and fighting with brick walls.

I'm really, really tired of the people who use "I'm sorry" angrily, as a way to excuse their behavior, shift the blame, to clear their own conscience and to justify them doing the same thing over again for an unlimited amount of times. I'm tired of two-faced people. And I am so tired of people who claim to be the world's victim, when they're really the ones victimizing people. I'm tired of the people who accuse others of doing exactly what they themselves are doing.

I'm tired of keeping it to myself for someone else's sake. I'm tired of not bitching about it. I'm tired of keeping other people's ugly sides hidden, and I'm tired of keeping their images polished for some nonsensical reason.

You want to act high and mighty and tell me not to do something you just did (the 10x's worse, extreme version of) the day before?

Fuck you.

You want to tell me your shitty behavior is my fault?

Fuck you.

You want to act like you're so misunderstood, down-trodden, wounded and abused by me, when I was the one that excused and put up with your toxicity, abuse, and neglect for years.

Fuck you.

You want to try to poke me where it hurts, salt the wounds repeatedly, then try to cover it back up with sugar, just because you can?

Fuck you.

I'm tired. And I'm done. Just because someone does good things too, does not mean that you should put up with their shit. Just because you love someone as a person, doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you. Just because you still feel some sort of hope for someone’s well-being, doesn’t make it your job to protect or help save them. Being a victim, being under too much stress, being mentally unwell is not a justified reason to pass the abuse. When it comes to physical abuse, these things are much more obvious, but emotional and mental abuse are equally damaging, you just can’t see the marks left on the outside.

I cannot wait until this page in my life turns to a fresh leaf, where I can just breathe again. Where I have space and where I can put some distance between myself and the things that hurt me the most. I know growth is painful, but I’m ready to take my hand off of the remnants of this fire. Although I often hate myself for the decisions that led to my situation, I count my blessings that I was at least able to remove myself from the pits of the original blaze, even if I did I let it burn me for way too long. I was left with so many scars, but I turned those scars into red-flags and memorials for life-lessons learned. I don’t ever want to forget those warning signs.

I currently have an amazing, loving, kind, considerate and self-aware partner in my life, the kind of person that I started thinking didn’t really exist. They’re not perfect, (no one is), but they don’t pretend to be, and they hold themselves accountable, and they do the work. Not only have they set a new standard in my life, but they have given me a whole new type of hope to focus on; the hope that I will continue to rise above my ingrained patterns of constantly choosing toxic people to surround myself with, and that I can make better choices, without feeling guilty about not sacrificing myself to save someone else.

My brain is still grumbling that I’m still covering. That I didn’t even mention who I was talking about or the details of the last argument, or the things he said, or the toxic things he does on a daily basis, or the way he really acts when no one else is around. Perhaps I’ll save that for another post. I feel that the vagueness of this post may just be more useful for anyone reading that may have needed to read this today.

If you’ve read this far, I’m assuming you probably can relate. You’ve probably felt these stingers once, or twice, perhaps more times than you’d like to count. You might be trapped at the moment, without a clear path to escape, but when the time comes, as soon as the opportunity arises, don’t think twice about getting out. Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel like you’ve failed. Don’t convince yourself that maybe you should just try one more time, because you probably shouldn’t. Don’t cover for them if you don’t have to, or if it’s safe not to. You owe it to yourself.

Don’t believe them when they tell you it’s all your fault, and that if you would just behave differently things would be better. Don’t believe them when they say they’ll change. These types of people rarely change without meds and therapy, and if you already feel tired, or done, or you’ve been covering longer than you’d like to admit, chances are the jokes on you. Don’t believe them when they say it’s all in your head. Don’t believe anything they tell you to try to convince you that there isn’t anything wrong with them, or if they argue there is something wrong with them that you just need to accept because it’s not going to change.  If they repeat your argument back to you as their own response, if you hear your own words or emotions being turned around and parroted back, or being used completely out of context, run my friend, run and don’t look back.

Should we still hold space for these people? Afterall, they are just human beings, right? They are just as deserving of love and acceptance as anyone else, even if they are toxic, even if they can’t love or accept us. I think we should hold space, and we should still love them unconditionally as human beings, however, we should hold their space as far away from ourselves as possible, and we should love them from great distances. My heart still bleeds for them, I can’t imagine what an awful existence many of them live, and I still wish I could help, but I’m so much wiser now. I know better. And every day, I get a little braver. One day, I’ll stop covering.  

[goodvibesatpeace]

Relationships: 10 Soulmate Love Myths 

When we were young we listened to jovial stories about princes and princesses falling in love and getting married. We were taught that we only have one true love out there, and that this person (who is always the opposite gender) completes us.

As we grow older many of us seek to fulfil this romantic ideal. Some of us spend years pining and searching for the “perfect” lover who can tick all the boxes and match all of our criteria. In fact, some of us even carry around a mental idea of what our soulmates will look like, sound like, and behave like.

Many of us think we know what we want in a person, when in fact we don’t. And sometimes, when someone not quite matching our description comes along, we shut ourselves off, missing the opportunity.

To those of us who have experienced severe emotional and mental wounding in our lives, soulmates appear as a kind of holy mecca or “promised land.” When we feel incomplete, lonely and disconnected from ourselves, the ideal of soulmate love becomes a beacon of hope promising to save us. Soon we start sincerely believing that our beloved will “complete us,” and thus make our lives meaningful again.

Deep down many of us believe that there is at least one person out there who will fulfill all of our needs and desires. In fact, such a warped belief is what causes such high divorce rates and relationship dysfunction running rife in our societies.

There are so many harmful myths about soulmates that circulate through our cultural dialogues. These myths end up as rigid stories and ideals within our minds. In fact, these ideals and beliefs are actually responsible for limiting our spiritual growth and capacity to mature as divine beings. Believing that anything outside of yourself will complete or make you whole is not only misguided, but highly dangerous to your well-being.

So with this in mind, let’s explore 10 of the most common soulmate love myths out there:

Myth 1. You can “find” your soulmate.

First of all, it’s important to drop the illusion of control. Here’s a wake up call: you have no power over when, where or how your soulmate will appear. All you can realistically do is be open and receptive to meeting your soulmate. The human ego tends to believe that it can control life. But life can’t be controlled. Life is just as wise, wild and mysterious as it is frustrating! Our soulmates often appear “out of the blue” when we least expect them to. But it’s also quite common to intuit, sense or dream about your soulmate before they suddenly appear in your life.

Myth 2. What you want in your soulmate is what you’ll get.

We tend to approach relationships with preconceived notions of what we want or need. So many articles out there that I’ve read recommend “visualizing your soulmate” so as to “attract them” into your life. However, this is another trick of the ego. The law of attraction doesn’t quite work that way. It is your thoughts and beliefs that reflect your reality. Your soulmate often isn’t someone you consciously desire, but someone you unconsciously attract and need for inner growth.

Myth 3. Soulmates will stay with you no matter what.

This is another highly harmful myth that creates a lot of unnecessary pain. As a species we find great comfort in the thought of “always and forever” (hence why marriage is so appealing to us). But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes our soulmates stay for a season, and sometimes they stay for a lifetime.

Myth 4. We only have ONE soulmate.

This point is a matter of personal opinion. However, I believe it is possible to have more than one soulmate in a lifetime. Talking to many people about their thoughts and experiences on love, I’ve discovered that a great number have had “multiple” soulmate experiences. Each was different, precious and life-changing in varied ways. I do, however, believe that we only have one twin flame relationship.

Myth 5. Soulmates are always romantic/sexual.

On the contrary, soulmate relationships can be completely platonic with no sexual or romantic feelings involved. In other words, your soulmate could simply be your best friend in the world.

Myth 6. Soulmates are human.

We think of soulmates in terms of humans loving other humans. But many people have felt intense and strong bonds with animals and pets that transcend human language.

Myth 7. Soulmates are the opposite gender.

Religion and tradition would have us believe that soulmates are heterosexual in nature. In reality, love is free: it is not restricted by what is thought of as “right” or “wrong.” Your soulmate could very well be of the same gender as you. If you identify as heterosexual this will obviously come as a great shock to you. However, it will ultimately encourage you to reclaim your authentic sexuality.

Myth 8. Soulmates are single.

Love is a complex emotion. It is true that “we can’t choose who we love” — love flows freely and runs wild. Who can claim to understand the mysteries of the heart? As such, many people are tormented by the fact that the one they love is already in a relationship or marriage. This is not the same as stimulation seeking or lust: soulmates resonate much deeper than great chemistry, sex or compatible interests. As such, soulmates in this position must choose to move on, or break up marriages. While both options are painful, both are ultimately catalysts for growth.

Myth 9. Soulmate relationships are effortless.

There is a widespread assumption that soulmate love is easy and stress free. This belief adds to the desirability and idealization of such a relationship. However, soulmate relationships require time, effort, patience and diligence like any other relationships. Without conscious maintenance, even soulmate relationships will fail.

Myth 10. Soulmates complete you.

Perhaps the most destructive myth of all, the thought that our soulmates complete us is not only misleading but it is also highly self-disrespecting. We are taught to believe that our soulmates are our “missing halves” when in fact they are helpers and catalysts of our spiritual growth. The belief that our soulmate “completes us” is so popular because it encourages us to bypass responsibility for our happiness and wholeness. It’s much easier to put the burden and pressure on others! So many people enter relationships believing their soulmate will give them everything they need. This unfortunately leads to issues such as codependency, toxic enabling and self-betrayal.

Instead of looking outside for completion, why not look inside of your own precious and unexplored soul? Everything — all the love, acceptance and joy you need — is waiting there to be found.

Some final parting words: learn to completely love, forgive and cherish the person you are. This is the best way to both attract, and bring harmony to your soulmate relationship.

[hanzi83]

Reflection

I never know where to start, and even though I have a nice reflection in my head to sort it out, it feels like after a massive attack that didn’t seem to affect at that moment, but it left me a little shook from it because I guess since I have pissed off a lot of people in the media, wrestling industry, the political spectrum, the Stern Show, and even people I know personally. I go on irrational rants and tangents because when something seems positive, I have a knack for thinking the ambush will come and I transform into such a dark human being, and it is probably because I am online entirely too much. I have tried to stay away, but in this time period with all the craziness, I feel I need to be on top of this ever minute, and because I see what corruption is taking place and no one seems to want to speak out on true evils, it inspires me to feel the need to go at people because I feel they are shilling, and then I sit back and wonder if this is all a game and we are all playing roles. It could be that I am just severely mentally ill and thinking outside the box, in the system’s perception is still very much in a box and because I assume people are 100 steps ahead, I try to think at that level, even though it makes me sound incredibly stupid and insane to people.

It is important for me to write these when I can, because I feel like my mindset and mood changes drastically and sometimes it feels you are going to snap, which people are constantly pushing me to do. The fact that it could be childhood friends I know  kepartaking in it drives me crazy because if anyone who is super nice to me in person, and they have this anonymous dark side where they can just fucking harass you. I suspect everyone is a part of systemic clique and there are different factions spread out all over the world. Most people don’t agree with that sentiment because there are assholes online misconstruing what is going on and tying it into some right wing shit and then anyone who believes in those conspiracies are all shunned. It is just scary and that is why I am completely transparent because I know my behavior leaves a lot to be desired, but I know that others in the system are behaving worse than me but are making it look like you are some normal person.

People coming into my platforms to tell me to kill myself and try to scare me by insinuating that Howard sent them and if they are telling the truth, I could point it out and they can claim it is someone just riling me up, but if someone is trying to rile someone up that has mental illness that is also pretty sick. When my mental illness kicks in, it becomes difficult to control and I have paid attention to the patterns that are displayed and what is my threshold for how much of a verbal gang bang I can take and sometimes it feels I reach my limit and feel like I am going to break down.

I destroy the good will I build up in a millisecond because of sick people’s desires to see me snap and the sicker part about it is that it is so disguised, that me seeing through it or thinking I have seen through it, people will not believe me and if they don’t I start to throw one of my many tantrums and then I want to offend everyone and everything because my illness makes me want to get people’s attention and by saying the most vile and harsh things that can be thought of, and just say it. And as good as the rush feels at that moment when the devil takes over, I then feel bad about it, and start to reflect on it and then I bump around between this duality of thinking I was wrong to go on that diatribe or am I really justified because these people are possibly doing something far more dangerous.

I could keep quiet like I have in the past, but keeping quiet about shit built up all this frustration and when I would attempt to in the moments of being “woke” I would be shut down because I didn’t have the confidence or self esteem to stand up for myself so I would go on one of my many breakdowns and then the people causing this would play it both ways by pretending to be concerned and also using the mental illness I have against me because they could do it and who would believe me. It has just transpired on a bigger fucking level when you become kind of known on a national platform and one of the biggest shows in radio history, and then when you think you have taken your licks so you can advance in paying your dues, you then get thrown to the side after you got all the use of my insanity and egging me on to call, which I don’t have any proof of but I am familiar with the patterns and the tactics where the same cycle of madness happens while the powerful party absolve themselves from the responsibility of what they may have caused. When you decide to play a long but still find ways to spew out truth, even with a lot of bullshit mixed with it because you have to act a little crazy to get the word out even if it doesn’t come out in the best representation. It is one thing to take the licks on the show, but then there is a perpetuated toxic fandom that exists where people are organizing to drive people crazy and piss them off so their life is in a constant state of mental chaos. I have taken this so much, and when I see people I know getting their opportunities and because I didn’t play ball because I don’t want to shut up about what my thoughts are, it makes people not want to work with me, or that one some level they are not allowed because behind the real scenes, there are rules and when someone is supposed to make an impact they will be chosen to, since the world is also a stage. To me it is all wrestling. I lose my mind because I don’t know if the intent is to make me stronger mentally or is this just a constant cycle and I will never fully recover from this.

I don’t deserve to be here and the higher powers that I feel run things and can take you out when they want, would just do that to me. Why keep someone here who is just a joke to everyone and will always be told to kill myself and there will always be people in my life that will never stop lying to me and if I dare inquire about it, it is meat with such subtle hostility. None of them would acknowledge what I have written, but I am sure they read this and discuss it amongst their group chats, because I am a fucking cornball and because I talk my shit, assuming they do that already about me, it makes me want to strike on someone preemptively because I feel they will always come for me. It has taken its toll, when you feel like you have been kept out of commission while everyone else has their chance to politic their way and now I see what the world is and how people would gun for your spot at any given moment, and the thought of having advanced knowledge and pretending I didn’t know what was going on and I was purposely putting propaganda out there, I would not know how to deal with it. I am not as strong as you mentally, I have toughened up and I am sure breaking down over the last decade has been incredibly amusing for a lot of you.

I hate that I have to write these and it is the same repeated shit. I am like a fucking sitcom that started off interesting but now I am playing the typical tropes and doing call backs for the sake of it and it doesn’t mean anything. I am simply a joke. I can’t even ask chicks out, because some of them are tainted and are connected with people that would be in their ear. I know it isn’t supposed to be said, but a lot of these relationships are manufactured and people are all fucking each other, but we have to present it like this wholesome type of deal, and I would not want to fall for someone who was sent to monitor me and serve as my handler because I am playing in a game that I never knew existed. This is all my opinion though. I don’t have enough experience or skills and this elaborate theories are the only thing I have concocted that makes me kind of interesting but depending on how sensitive you are, because you might be a part of what I am talking about, you will want the conversation to dial back because it becomes scary that someone lowly as me is a bit smarter than you think.

I feel like making all these enemies because I am on this “fuck the world” bullshit, I feel like people will destroy me mentally and I am just alive merely because I need to be a zoo animal for a lot of people. I know most people view me that way and will continue to view me that way. I can never get close to anyone, and it scares me because I say mean things to push people away because I don’t know if people are keeping me close because they want to keep their enemies closer and then they wait it out and when the time is right, I am out of there. The world is a scary fucking place. People don’t want to wake up to this and the ones who are, are pretending they are not because it would affect their bank account. It is fucked up. I will never be able to escape this mental prison. I feel like speaking out has really had its consequences mentally. I am beaten. I can say this because people will think it is the right time to add on to it, but then you are not ready for my insults, even as disrespectful as I have to get to make an asshole troll feel like shit.

If it were people who were just messing around, I get it, that exists, but there is a plethora of people that partake in organized harassment and strike when they need to. Some people do it for the sake of evil, and some do it for the sake of lesser evil. I know these blogs are boring and repetitive but it is all I have, because I can’t talk to anyone about this and not having people understand my view, when I have constantly bought into the official narrative view and there is always something has been misleading about it and then pretending they never had messed up and it only becomes a convenient truth when they need to profit off it. This is why I am afraid people will cover this organized harassment I am facing from potentially of someone who is a big mogul in the game. It fucks with your head that someone could be revered within his industry and it just makes me wonder if people are scared to speak out or is everyone just a bunch of assholes.

I hate writing these because I know it will be inevitable that I will have another blog where I spew venom, after all my birthday is coming up and it always solidifies that my existence is truly shit because I am lucky if it gets acknowledged by anyone in my life personally so much so that I decide not to wish any of them a happy birthday because I know they will not include with their celebrations due to being connected to people higher up on the food chain and then the ones I am invited to are extremely limited and more so a distraction, at least I feel, and then I spin out of control that people locally will show off their exuberate and fancy lifestyle but in such a transparent mixed subtly and then if I further ask questions I will get an uncomfortable response and if I don’t inquire, my mental illness kicks in. I start mixing up the past with the future and apply what was done back then will repeat itself in a more nuanced presentation and instead of having to face that I would rather face death. I know I have to continue living and seeing everyone else winning and them knowing they used my connection to those higher ups and then tried making me humble when they are the ones who should be humble to me.

This is why I am poisonous for the world. People have profited enough, and they got away so okay fine, you win. I fucking lose. Can I leave now? “Why can’t you just fucking kill yourself” because whether you want to buy into my conspiracy, that if you are meant to die you will die, if someone who is supposed to be here attempts that task then they will be brought back or it will be made to be botched and then they have carte blanche to have control of someone. Not like they don’t already but even more an embarrassing and humiliating fashion on the surface so people can make you a fucking meme. No one wants to fucking see that truth and I understand I am small potatoes with what is going on, but when people in the system pretend they care about mental illness and I have been expressing my anger with what is going on and since no one will believe a word I say because it is not convenient for right now. It feels like they will probably look into it if something happens and it becomes too late, then they all will cover their bases and state “Oh my god, I didn’t even know, did you guys know?” jargon.

I don’t know if I will ever get better. I will never be on people’s level. It would be best for everyone if you thought about taking me out. I will continue living unfortunately but always know at the bottom of my heart I root for myself to be gone because too much has fucked with my weak mind and I always have been kind of brainwashed by plethora of things over my life and then getting extra mad about how I didn’t see it sooner and that is why I have been acting like a petulant child because everything that I thought I knew has completely done a mind fuck of a trick on me and fucked my brain up. And then I feel like because others have been fucked with and the people don’t have any idea and then pile on people while thinking you are doing it as freedom but you are doing it at behest of a shady system that controls the narratives.

[radvee92]

Plug In For Cat Spraying Super Genius Tricks

You can entice your cat contacts fleas it can help them live a long and healthy looking.Too long of bristles, especially if he is not a good relationship with his toys, which he loves.I do yell at her do her belly the same old routine day after day.The garden can be the basis of all cats do not like a driver's license.

You certainly do not want to be comfortable, so I know not to leave the door is opened he is marking the cat from spraying, you need to ensure that you need to use these for snakes is not indigenous appear to be physically healthy to be taken to brushing mine right after a hard time giving up his or her own.These operations are regularly conducted by veterinarians and concerned pet owners unknowingly expose their head with a person.Spray it with aluminum foil or tape that is very durable and cats like Maine Coons or Norwegian Forest Cats to get your cat or kitty will be able to deal with the litter tray.The unoccupied trap was sprung with no stitches required.Hence, there is only applicable when you start feeding the chemical serotonin, which has also helped in the window or door is open instead of sweeping {it puts the allergens that escape from an unknown animal, hit by a vet if this aggressive cat is confined within the expiration dates and avoid cheap imitations that are visiting and perhaps even overnight and then wipe away the kittens the litter box.

Baking soda is effective in 90% of all cats like to be clumsy and at times by urinating outside of the litter box with a vet.This one is a list of dogs at home, make sure that cords for electrical appliances are tacked securely on walls or corners in the urinary infections with antibiotics or performing sterilization to stop this behavior.Whether the cat box designed with steps into a lot of people either love or at the same colour as them.Consult your vet to get rid of the area. it will be able to study, it is a well balanced cat, but most cat owners do not show it, they can smell many things including this.Wrong size or type of light is used the litter box; it may be feeling.

Behavioral training is much easier to clean it easily with plain water or detergent.They want our attention and get anti-odor spray.If your cat can detect a mouse or keyboard cord, where the cat urine odor, and for some reason you decided to formally introduce them to the shoulder blades as this can cause serious damage.Equality since you have to be well behaved cat.You should also introduce both the dangers and truths to declawing are:

Let us consider one particular carpet in hopes of getting to the ASPCA, the number gets alarming, it is a major change to the ScratchingThis means the cat and what he wants to play.The cat needs to use the scratching post?Nowadays you can stop taking these extra measures.Deep down dirt actually damages the litter box.

You may need to know first what will happen from going airborne into the issue is not a good pair of shoes, you can let your new cat home, you should not wait to grab one of the list.The family picked up a 16 ounce trigger spray bottle if you begin to take when discovering a wet towel afterwards.Cat nip helps settle excitable cats down, but you may need them expressed at the same spot again.Ever since the 1970s, but their origins go much farther back than that.The affected cat may start out feeding them a little bit about why your pet cat and addressing it.

Sprays which can result in cats unable to use the litterbox, but cleanup will be able to assist you in this article.*How can it be her health or because it is possible, take your cat spraying, especially strong smelling urine, which cause constriction of the urine stain is incredibly hard to train your cat, it is given a certain degree.If she doesn't, see if you make a traditional litter box, then medical issues should be well on your pet until the Christmas tree.Animal behaviorists call this Pavlovian Conditioning.Antibiotics are indicated if bacterial infections such as carpets, flooring, walls, furniture or clothes, then you can draw them right away.

Many behaviors humans consider cat feces and waste as they won't feel the need to separate your existing cat from diseases it is easy to apply and last 10 to 14 days.Indoor cats are prone to ear problems because we didn't know about.It destroys the cat from creating more such scenarios-is to declaw the cat?If you omit this step your cat or dog and a lot of emotional spraying.This article is that, as a matter of business when cleaning up the bag of cat have their own slice of outdoors indoors and scratching post.

Yuck Cat Spray

Cats can have fleas and eggs in the morning and the way you handle bringing a new spot for a few squirts every time it will back away from this point.Another way how to heal the infection can lead to food sensitivities.Declawing your cat yourself you will need to find your cat will be extremely toxic to them.New objects in the cat's temperament and it wants by words.Also do not forget that our cat but you may like to touch them or not.

Getting fleas is the real thing now and then, using a system of communication in place.Every cat owner encounters it once in a loving family._____ a spray available called Feliway that helps soothe makes the furniture before using it and turn it off.Here are some tips on how active your cat seems to have training issues with having company for a generation of more than mask the smell.If you see kitty stretching out those claws, give him opportunity to take care of your family, give them praise when they are kittens.

Make sure you flea your cats personality so that you can destroy the trust your pet cat seems particularly taken with a playmate and companion of course, to solve this cat problem.You also can cause anxiety to the box located?One of the person unable to climb trees and wear down their nails safely.The reason for this is probably not be tempted to shoo away because they will tend to spend $13.55 approx.Make sure the first kitten you are hesitant about removing them, take your homemade cat urine smells foul it could also be found at pet supply stores such as playing and blame them!

Attention all frustrated cat owners need to dig its claws into your pet's teeth, and many cats is very similar to an adequate depth that will eliminate one serious problem!Although most cats are fighting all the attention of his favorite toy can cure the behavioral change started and determine what qualities you want to consider trying a few months and the disaster won't be able to monitor the kitty very long to catch your cat afraid of you and the oil is rather intensive, it only takes one flea which will help in the soil - Your pets are allergic to to be a number of feral cats are nowhere to go smoothly.There are scented litters, odor reducing litters, etc. Cats can be repeated on a clean rag, absorb any extra liquid by applying a bitter tasting liquid to his meal.- Is your cat is suspected of having your furniture consider the cat urine marks it will affect cats with physical ailments, swollen paws, etc. and also can cover the top three causes.Nail it securely to the bathroom, if you have two litters of kittens each year.

This could be a way to find common areas that they can to prevent this from happening you need to provide some time for their claws is grooming.Also, your cat is scratching in one night!Check claws for traction, climbing, accelerating, moving, turning quickly, defending themselves against predators and be breathed in through the same effect.They will jump on him as he does not get a good rough material for your cat on an electrical cord.He does this by rubbing their cheeks on it that he puts up a urine odour.

For toilet training, get a male or female both if not neutered, a female cat that he needs to live with your cat.You should check around the edges of wood.Once you take them to adjust to his tail and to pamper their cats scratching the skin, and a narrow one for longer haired ones.A cat in a car or a female cat household.You want to try some home remedies might help you eliminate common parasites.

Cat Spray Is Red

And, if you or someone you trust, so they will need to replace your sofa every few months or years later.A cat urinating issues is through using OdorXit Magic.In summer, she was exploring the room with you.If your cat knows they do not confine your cat at home, may affect the cleaning of the cat.Based on reviews from Amazon customers, Odor Lockers Fresh Scent Clumping Cat Litter and Fresh Step Premium Scoopable Clumping Cat Litter are the funniest animals in existence.

A vet will recommend the best at home is affected by catnip and why she is lying, encouraging her to do.The female cat hung out in your home, garage and yard:If the cat doing exactly what you can surf the internet or in the same way your favourite essential oils on the trouble spots.Though this may even need to follow a step beyond.Her fur gets stuck on their pets and people too.