#COVID me had nothing going on
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I cannot believe I was just sitting in front of the tv watching cnn, somehow both bored and stressed out of my mind, and Instagram wasn’t doing it for me, so on a whim I opened tumblr almost for the first time since i was 13 and the first thing I saw was that destiel had gone canon, my world was changed, and I haven’t left tumblr since
I haven’t even seen supernatural yet it was going canon so many times I literally checked tumblr religiously every morning for multiple months in a row because every time I would forget, it would go canon again
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i actually feel so incredibly uncomfortable and isolated in this space right now and i know that’s silly because of how many people there are just like me who share the same feelings but idk…the fact that people even think this is defensible behavior is making me feel sick
#nothing quite like being reminded how disposable you are#during the pandemic that set the stage for everyone to show exactly how much they don’t care about disabled people#i’m tired of people not taking this shit seriously and i’m incredibly angry about it#because i know y’all who are reckless and ignorant and think you’re invincible are going to be the same ones begging to be let in#when they ultimately become disabled too.#and you know what? i’m not ready to give those people grace yet#been screaming it for years but nobody listens until it’s too late#have already had people with obvious long covid who spouted ableist rhetoric this entire pandemic#come to me asking for advice#and honestly? i don’t think you deserve advice#i have so much empathy but i’m TIRED#i don’t fucking care anymore i get that we’ve been lied to this entire time but if you actually wanted to do the research you would#and since i know nobody cares about protecting others#i think you would at least care about protecting yourself considering how selfish you’ve proven yourselves to be#this is at the entire world and everyone who refuses to wake up to the fact that we are screwed#disabled people have been telling you this entire time and it’s still a fuckimg joke#and it will only become serious when it affects them directly#i’m so angry right now#and honestly? if you feel like this is about you at all? in any way? that’s your sign#do fucking better. TEST WHEN YOURE SIXK#stop fucking going out when you’re sick unless it’s necessary#i’m so so tired
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i just feel like. i'm happy with my own company or i have very high standards for relationships with people because i don't like anyone and people piss me off very quickly and i let go of them soooo easily it doesn't even matter to me
#or maybe. the real thing is that i don't form deep connections that are hard to let go#and i don't put myself out there or be vulnerable because i don't think anyone will get it so im just very superficial while talking#or too scared#so even if they leave it wouldn't matter to me#wow!!!! nice#i think i've become so detached from feelings idk#buttttt. i used to be the one who cares. i don't give a fuck about anyone anymore i've become so cold hearted what's wrong with me#and one more thing#i've always been the person who avoids conflict so i don't lose people#and now... well#maybe i find it hard to connect with people#or maybe i'm just an asshole haha who knows#or maybe i just fall out of love with people#or maybe it's because i haven't had real relationships in my proximity since covid#so in my head nothing is real#omg i've become such an out of sight out of mind person i'm a toddler#i used to pray for this when i was too attached
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wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.
#vent#for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode#like constantly#from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived#to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week#and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally#not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic#and now someone died in my family#not someone very close but i liked them#and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing#because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter#so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with#because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter..#i'd just want a week where nothing happens#and like the writing is weighing heavy on me#because i miss it#also i wish i could finish something#i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off#also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit#i bought new furniture#because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly#which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself#just because i was too burnt out to write#and i wanted something nice to happen to me#like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice#and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns#and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken#because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid#yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job#long pathetic whine and overshare over
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Personal
Hi.
How did you get over your quarter life crisis?
Because I’m trying not to fall into the vast unyielding void. And I’m failing hilariously.
#TAG RANT. CAN IGNORE. YOON JUST NEEDS TO GET HER THOUGHTS OUT.#filler tag to push the rest of the rant down past the cut off point.#i literally don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and I can’t decide anything.#do I stay in flowers#do I leave flowers#do I try and get into film again#do I move to Europe#or delay that and go back to school for the one thing that’s always brought me pure happiness#or do I move out of my city#but in all of this I have to consider my partner and what he wants#but I don’t know what to do. i don’t know what the right thing for me is and I can’t afford a therapist so I ramble on the internet in hopes#of a shiny beacon of something rings into my head and figures everyhting out for me#like. I’ll be 25 in April. a ways off. but I’m 25 and I haven’t done anything. i don’t know what I’m supposed to do?? i had a life plan that#was derailed so hilariously hard by COVID that cannot be mended. and this is the first time I haven’t had a plan or a solid goal and so now#I’m floating in the middle of the pacific wondering which direction to turn in hopes of finding land#i have nothing to work towards and I miss who I was. i want to be that again. i wanna be her again. but it’s so difficult to do that.#anyway. rant over. needed to get that out. thanks for reading if you did.#this actually made me feel a lot better hope moly.
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exhaustion induced panic attack incoming
#i am fine with travelling for long periods but i didn't dare to take my mask off long enough to eat#or drink really....#because everyone around me was coughing all the time and i can't get covid again!!!!! especially when i want to go get vaccinated again soon#and then i had hoped the last three hours would be chill but nope people go to Oktoberfest and then go back by train and are loud and drunk#and also coughing??????#and now it's really hitting me that i am just back and have to face everything again and i can't i can't#i don't even wanna go home#theres nothing there for me abymore
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.
#two exams down and they were supposed to be my do really well in this so the last two which will fuck me so dry won’t be that harsh on my#average but lol. lolllllllllllll. like. ok. we’re the first not covid year so they Consistently make our exams so fucking much harder than#prev years which i GET but it’s also not. fucking fair. and for once#for ONCE. i fucking tried and studied and yeah i didn’t do as much as i could’ve ok but i did shitloads more than i generally do#and i was fucking trying like i got the material i even liked it if the paper was hard i knew i’d be able to do good on it#for one paper they had a whole ass 10 mark question on ONE SLIDE out of a 187 slide lecture. on smth that has never come up before. like. ok#and the other paper which was inorganic chem which is so fucking weird but i lowkey love it even if one my lecturers is The Worst#HE PUT SHIT ON THE PAPER THAT WE HAVE NEVER DONE#like wasn’t in his notes or directed learning nothing. and it was like seven marks out of a twelve mark question and there was no choice#and now i still have three more exams to go. tomorrow being one of them. and the last two will be sooooo bad lol#it is 11am and i am still in bed and i should be studying bc the one tomorrow is 9am but fuck. fuck.#ok i’m done. don’t need to text me about this i just needed to get it out bc i am home alone and prob won’t be seeing ppl today#delete later
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Man, I had hoped my sister could be an ally in my fight for independence from mom but no, she's still too wishy-washy for my comfort.
"Don't go hiding things from her" was said today.
Mom doesn't need to know everything I do!
#she noticed me avoiding talking about my plan to go get my vaccinations today in front of mom#mom's not one of those super anti-vaxxers but she still has *opinions* and only got one covid vaccine back at the start#i didn't want to hear any opinion or even tones#but i had to anyway#and mom does just have trouble with tones even when it means nothing#but i know her opinions on vaccines and this one could mean something#and sister got to make it like we're both at fault when i did my own defensive warning against mom's tone#ugh#i'm just gonna uber next time#i really need to start ubering to escape the enforced family hive mind
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A very interesting cloud formation!
#I don't think I had ever really seen clouds like this before? it looks like a cool painting or something :0#Pulling just a few images from my cloud and sky photos folder which has like 650 pictures in it becvause I'm obsessed with the sky lol#I will usually spare everyone the cloudposting but... in some exceptions when it's really cool I must Share#(upcoming covid mention in tags for those avoiding the topic)#I WANT TO BE ON AN AIRPLANE SO SO BAD I am going to start casting evil spells to explode all these 'back to normal' bastards who are out#spreading virus and shit HHHHHH... Covid is NOT over actually contrary to popular beielf especially for people with health conditions#that make them more vulnerable or would have worse consequences if they were to catch it etc. etc. wearing a mask in public is#in MOSt cases not THAt much of a horrific terrible evil inconvenience and it helps keep everyone around you safer including these#vulnerable populations!!!! Even if I didn't have any problems myself I would STILL be masking because it's a small gesture that can make a#big difference in people around me being comfortable. It's not like people with health issues just never have to go out or go to the stor#or whatever. There are still people out there who could be helped by extra precautions that are being overlooked. grrrrr...#Like at this point since I'm vaccinated and everything I would MAYBE consider flying on an airplane IF everyone else around me#was masking and being just as careful as me. But at this point it's just the wild west and I would literally be the only one who gives#a shit or who gets tested freqeuntly before after and during traveling and wears the proper type of mask well fitting and not half off my f#ce and blah blah blah. And precautions work best when EVEYRONE is participating. There's only so much you can protext yourself if everyone#around you is doing nothing. So.. alas.. I still do not feel safe traveling. And probably won't for years until more progress is made in#terms of like understanding and treating certain long covid issues and etc. Since I think it's inevitable that if I start going out again#I would get covid. Me and my household bubble are some of the only people I know who haven't had it yet (or at least not knowingly so - if#so it was one of the asymptomatic cases etc.). So if I was GOING to get it anyway I'd at least like the assurance that whatever long term#issues I inevtabley suffer because of it will be more easily treatable at that point instead of entirely disabling even further than I'm#already disabled. etc. AAANYWAY!! all that to say. I JSUT REALLY WANT TO be on an airplane!!! I dont even like traveling and going places I#hate vacations and would rather be at home working on my projects I'm fixated on lol HOWEVER I love the view from airplane windows#like the very few times in my life Ive actually been on a plane and the window is so COLD when you lay your forehead on it and sometimes yo#even see little ice crystals and it's like you're just in a landscape of clouds with a sea of clouds above and below and aaaAAAAAA#Literally I want to get on a plane just to go up in the air and then land and fly back. I don't even want to go on a real trip. I just NEED#to see the sky I need to be IN the sky I need to have that VIEW and the cold and everything!!!! gRGGHGgg... And I will do that the entire#time. I think my longest plane ride was 7 hours and I do not watch movies. I dont text or play games. I literally do nothing to entertain#myself except stare straight out the window for 7 hours (with a few eating and bathroom breaks). not even joking lmao. It's like a trance#I LOVE the sky and clouds so much and the view you get from an airplane is like incomparable!! also I love airports with the big windows an#people watching. but mostly I just long for the sky view again. GRRR.. sobbing and yearning >:T
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aughhhh. aughhhhhjhhhh
#everhoneignore this post classic rant post i don't have real problems everyone can move along#truly have had such a bad couple of days here and i am not even close to finishing the assignments i need to finish in welding being in#clsss makes me want to quit and die i don't know why i'm so slow i don't know why everyone else can intuit this stuff and improve and#understand how to do it and im always always falling behind if i could try harder wouldn't i be able to do that ive got no drive to push#myself at all i guess i like the english and i can do the physics i thought i at least liked drafting and metals fabrication but i feel so#stupid everything i do makes me feel so stupid and my teacher talks to me like i'm always doing everything wrong when i do some classroom#ettiquette breaches that everyone else does too and i can't get myself to go to sleep on time can't get myself to go in early i have hours#and hours and hours and i blink and it's gone and i've done nothing i should've welded today and gone in early to draft but i didn't because#im stupid and im slow and i can't do anything right i have always been able to square away a little bit of pride on being precise on doing#things well because people are always telling me that i am but i am below average here i just can't do things right and i feel like everyone#hates me and thinks i'm obnoxious and i don't know how to interface with my class or my teacher or how to improve or how to be less anxious#and i feel even stupider for that because i am so stuck up not being able to deal with even a little bit of failure or issue or hardship#and everyone around me is sick all my classmates and people in my dorm are sick im sure it's covid they haven't said it's covid but none of#them would test and i've been wearing a mask again but im certainly been exposed to it already and no one else is wearing a mask anyway so#what difference does it even make and i can hear them coughing in my dorm and in the classroom and when i go to get food and i miss seeing#my friends from philly and everuthing will be terrible forever and ever#alex talks
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the problem with bed alarms is that they're easy as fuck to set off. and deactivating them is apparently like defusing a bomb idk
#cleaning a covid room as you do . sweating to death#it was at Least 70 degrees and i had on a respirator gown gloves and goggles#and the bed was for some reason not plugged in so when i was wiping it down i needed to plug it back in to move it/straighten it out#and the alarm IMMEDIATELY starts blaring so i just unplugged it lol#but it calls the nurses station ofc so they come over the intercom like . hey what do you need#and i awkwardly go 'sorry i accidentally set it off' but the lady couldn't understand me and i haf to repeat it like 3 times#so ig im going to leave the bed fucked up bc im not about to set the alarm off again lol#save me#finch chirps#but like . In the room why is there no simple way to shut it off. hello. theres a cancel button on all the panels and they do nothing lol
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Tis' the season where I mentally and physically suffer. Complaining below (feel free to ignore, I'm just venting. I usually do this every year to get most of it out of my system lol):
mmm the fall/winter SAD is indeed in full swing. No warmth + no sun = a bad bad time. I always get so annoyed when ppl assume that I love winter bc I'm a "winter baby", as if that has any sort of divine intervention on instantaneously adapting you to perfectly fit the climate you were born in. NOPE. Silly human superstition. I start to freeze once it hits below 20C. I wish I lived in a warmer climate o|-< The depresso is probably going to make me very whiny and moody until next spring, so an early forewarning bc I'm EXTREMELY annoying about it this time of year bc it's the only way I know how to deal with it. But moreso in addition to the physical stuff is how badly it messes with my mind, making me so depressed to the point of just... sitting in non-moving silence where I become stiff as a board (very painful btw) and I isolate, making the bad depresso brain time even worse where I overthink everything bc of the silence and isolation. It's also always the time of year where everyone goes quiet too, which is understandable, but also makes things 10x worse (I am very alone in my life and where I am, and kind of rely on online friends bc they're all I have. I don't even have a pet. I'm literally just, loner mode. I don't really have much family to speak of, and only one family member I do speak to. I have little to no connections at all. But regardless, this is still the best living situation I've been in my whole life, so that's saying something).
#i hate the cold; I hate ice; cold air hurts my skin and burns my lungs#i hate snow (I'm sorry I just don't think it's pretty. It's gross; erases all colour/everything; blinding; kills everything; claustrophobic#I hate long nights; i hate all the darkness#I take Vitamin D drops every day during winter and they don't really help#I also use those special lights meant to help during the long darkness for the same reason; and they also do not help#nothing works!!!!!! eating and drinking hot things doesn't help me stay warm bc heat dissipates away quickly and doesn't help my extremitie#the cold makes me SO dry and dehydrated; makes my bones hurt; makes outside DANGEROUS AF. ICE IS BAD. BE CAREFUL.#I can't retain heat; my hypothyroidism makes me colder by default and I just don't metabolize good/fast enough to keep myself warm#(my body temp is lower than average; fun fact! same with my blood pressure! both of them are very low)#I think my average from all the times I've had it scanned during covid was 32-36C. No idea how that works; I just remember checking it a lo#my fingers and hands are going to freeze; making it harder to draw/type/etc.#I'm not going to wear gloves inside my home bc that's dumb and they don't help anyways. It will just screw up my ability to use my hands#I get to be in pain for months with increased potential of being sick :/#also I HATE bundling/layering myself with clothing or blankets; it's suffocating; restricting; sensory hell for me; sweaters are uncomfy :(#also whenever I try to do that all it does is insulate the cold for me; keeping me colder for even longer!!!!! it's so unfair!!!!#I've worn out 2 space heaters already and they don't work properly anymore (I used them both so much I wore out my preferred settings lol)#sobs; i'm a sad plant lizard
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eggs and ramen with eppy 💜
#txt#kinda happy rn bc i just send a card to my sister & i have done like Nothing the past few days (sick with Probably Covid so can't go out#anywhere) and the eggs came out really nice 🥹 just gotta keep on keepin on#the thing was just that i havent had a fever or been bedridden yet (mom has been testing & she's been negative w the same symptoms of me)#*as#& have been really low energy anyway so ive gotten barely anything done#even though i do have some low energy tasks that i could have done so im mad at myself for that
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I need a massive sudden hyperfixation shock to happen again
#that era when i'd just got out of the onceler divorce of summer 2021. and then listened to everywhere at the end of time in october#and it was ruining my life and i couldn't sleep and there was nothing really good happening#like it wasn't Bad bc at least i wasn't depressed anymore like i was in the summer but it was still just dead. and i couldn't get#the last 6 minutes of eateot out of my head#and then. suddenly. got shot with the *blurry screenshot of stan and kyle as adults* beam#south park post covid trailer released. everyone who had ever been in that fandom was awakening from their graves#it was like 'future episode??' 'why have they got noses' 'what the fuckkkk' 'is anything real anymore?' etc#it was such big news that it instantly shocked me out of my existential crisis and reawakened that hyperfixation for the 9347384th time#and i vividly remember going on tumblr the morning after it aired and trying to avoid spoilers bc i hadn't watched it yet#but i accidentally saw a sentence something along the lines of 'kenny's a billionaire philanthropist now' and. ok i had to see a picture?#so i did and he looked like the epitome of a cool uncle#and then i was walking to uni that morning probably looking like i was crying or something bc like. kenny successful future#and the whole thing just brought my general mood up so much?? so by the time it was 2022 i was absolutely fine#and then 2022 was so good. up until like august and september#and things got a bit dangerous again like my mood was alright but the slightest thing could bring it down#and then my best friend/housemate got a girlfriend and it was that whole drama and her existence basically ruined my last year of uni#and since then i've become so bitter and cynical and all victimy and it's so annoying and i don't even realise i'm doing it#so now i only ever notice negative things happening and have done since like the end of 2022#and i just need one of my old hyperfixations to do something insane again. like sp post covid.#i need. idk victor hugo to come back to life and publish notre dame de paris 2. or something#or for pip to come back to south park. that would actually fix me forever tbh#or the golden ratio to announce they're touring the uk for free. okay no ykw that would fix me#orrrrrrrrr idk. secret history made into a film but it's actually good#anyway. the south park kids as adults with noses set off an entire like 8 months of Pure Optimism in 2022 and i need her back more than ever#ramble
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@beatingheart-bride
"I...I could've sworn I saw somebody outside the house," June answered, rubbing her arms as she spoke-she couldn't put her finger on why, but as soon as she caught sight of the figure, whoever it was, she felt a little chill run through her, and it lingered over her as she continued, "I didn't get a good look at whoever it was, all I saw was that they were wearing white."
"White...?" Randall echoed, his spine beginning to tingle with terror, as June shrugged, "Maybe I was just seeing things, but I could've sworn I saw somebody peering in through the window; Wil was going to take a look around outside-"
"NO!"
The sudden outburst surprised even Randall himself as his parents both stared back at him, alarmed by this outcry, to say nothing of the look of unparalleled horror in his eyes, his heart beginning to pound as his brain immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion, even if he didn't want to voice it.
"Randall? Lad? What is it?" Wilhelm asked worriedly, frightened by the way his son stared off into the middle distance, quivering where he stood as the terrible, unspeakable memories came rushing forth, and the only thing he could manage to eek out was:
"It couldn't be..."
#((i'm glad you are too! sounds like you got nailed pretty similarly to the way my mom did))#((for whatever reason; covid made her ear hurt horribly; the same thing happened after a round of shots))#((for myself and my folks a couple winters back; after we got the shot; she had these horrible shooting pains))#((in her ears that just nailed her! we had to go into one of the bigger cities to get our shots))#((and i was gonna go to a neighboring city to get someone to look at one of my consoles that was on the fritz))#((and initially she was gonna go with me; but instead she went straight home to take some meds))#((and wrap the heating pad around her head! i felt sick after the shot; i had some body aches and general ickiness))#((but nothing as bad as what she went through-which made the ear pain making a comeback when she got covid worse!))#((glad we're all feeling MUCH better now!))#outofhatboxes#beatingheart-bride#V:Dark Shadows
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Next - here Previous - here First - here
#crow comic#art#artist#artist on tumblr#original comic#original art#I'd like to add a note here explaining the panel with just the flag of England#from that I mean to. Discuss how the influx of Christianity twisted England especially into being power hungry and corrupt#something something monarchy as a power of the church. something something beating the celts out of their home#I can't remember exactly what my thoughts were but I'm 99% sure it was along those lines. Hence the. Flag of England#st. georges flag??? I want to say??? Lemmie check#yea st georges flag cool#anyway.#current update is I might not be able to go to uni after all :))))))#oh actually this links to this comic#I made this during a college course I did that basically let you get a level 3 or level 4 in art media and design#this comic had no end input into it but I did make it as part of my final major project. Should have been graded - was not due to COVID#(I made it in 2020)#I got a level 4 which is the same as the first year of uni in the UK. Cool! Cost me nothing to attend#however now I'm applying for a student loan I'm. Not able to get one. Because I already have a foundation/year 1 qualification#and the student finance body won't give you a grant for re-doing a foundation year#is what I can understand from what I've found out#I need to call someone up about it but everywhere is shut until tuesday so. Wait until Tuesday I guess???#sigh
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