#COVID me had nothing going on
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I cannot believe I was just sitting in front of the tv watching cnn, somehow both bored and stressed out of my mind, and Instagram wasn’t doing it for me, so on a whim I opened tumblr almost for the first time since i was 13 and the first thing I saw was that destiel had gone canon, my world was changed, and I haven’t left tumblr since
I haven’t even seen supernatural yet it was going canon so many times I literally checked tumblr religiously every morning for multiple months in a row because every time I would forget, it would go canon again
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#sars cov 2#covid 19#i've interacted with 4 different friends/acquaintances in the past month alone who have all been hospitalised after having a stroke#(and in one case multiple strokes)#one who i visited in hospital over the weekend had a (unmasked) nurse coughing up a lung in her room 👍#and one of them who had to undergo surgery also had to be moved to a different hospital#bc the ward they were keeping him in was full of confirmed covid patients 👍👍#idk how many times it needs to be said before it gets through people's heads but VACCINES ARE NOT ENOUGH#and encouraging ppl to rely solely on them when there are already plans to jack up the prices so you have to KEEP PAYING for boosters#for an ONGOING mass-disabling event is so laughably unrealistic and absurd and flat-out demonic#you need to mitigate the actual spread of covid by WEARING A MASK + fighting for CLEAN AIR/proper ventilation in public spaces!!!!!!#ppl are so eager to forget the whole 'break the chain of transmission' thing and how effective masking is and so this is where we're at#'i got infected and infected other ppl who might die or become permanently disabled but it's no big deal bc no one else wears a mask#so if /i/ didn't infect them someone else would have anyway so it's not my fault and really its got nothing to do with me and my choices'#if everyone is responsible then no one is responsible - that's how it works right?#it's no wonder some ppl go rabid at even the sight of someone wearing a mask and minding their own business#ppl seeking treatment for unrelated conditions/illnesses and then dying from covid caught in hospitals#due to lack of npis/basic mitigation measures - no regulations no accountability#we truly live in a hell (''new normal'') of our own making#anyway none of this is new news at all i mostly thought it might be good to share the info graphic abt signs of stroke#covid has been given free reign and chances are increasing as to how likely you'll encounter it happening to someone you know at some point#also heart attacks and pots and alzheimer's etc etc etc
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Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
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i actually feel so incredibly uncomfortable and isolated in this space right now and i know that’s silly because of how many people there are just like me who share the same feelings but idk…the fact that people even think this is defensible behavior is making me feel sick
#nothing quite like being reminded how disposable you are#during the pandemic that set the stage for everyone to show exactly how much they don’t care about disabled people#i’m tired of people not taking this shit seriously and i’m incredibly angry about it#because i know y’all who are reckless and ignorant and think you’re invincible are going to be the same ones begging to be let in#when they ultimately become disabled too.#and you know what? i’m not ready to give those people grace yet#been screaming it for years but nobody listens until it’s too late#have already had people with obvious long covid who spouted ableist rhetoric this entire pandemic#come to me asking for advice#and honestly? i don’t think you deserve advice#i have so much empathy but i’m TIRED#i don’t fucking care anymore i get that we’ve been lied to this entire time but if you actually wanted to do the research you would#and since i know nobody cares about protecting others#i think you would at least care about protecting yourself considering how selfish you’ve proven yourselves to be#this is at the entire world and everyone who refuses to wake up to the fact that we are screwed#disabled people have been telling you this entire time and it’s still a fuckimg joke#and it will only become serious when it affects them directly#i’m so angry right now#and honestly? if you feel like this is about you at all? in any way? that’s your sign#do fucking better. TEST WHEN YOURE SIXK#stop fucking going out when you’re sick unless it’s necessary#i’m so so tired
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I actually feel so sick to my stomach trying to decide between this Free People job and the one I currently have why does the current one have to pay so fucking well and Free People have to pay so fucking bad
#none of this is that deep they’re both temporary seasonal jobs as far as I’m concerned#but I’m so bored at the current job because I just have nothing in common w anyone who works there#the work days are very long and I’m a full time employee#this is my last holiday season in nyc and it’s kind of killing me a little that I’m spending it all day every day in this store#and again they pay SO WELL it’s sick I can do whatever I want within reason and not worry about what I’m spending#but I’m just not ENJOYING my life rn and I’m kinda not used to that#there’s so much this time of year in terms of Life Happening#and I’m destined to miss that by nature of this being full time and the long days#meanwhile Free People is a $7/ hour difference#($7/hour less I mean)#and also the diff between penny pinching for a while and not caring#but also I would have free time#and also it’s a great vibe#not that there’s anything even WRONG with the vibe at the current job it’s just#it’s just not doing anything FOR me and when I’ve got no free time that’s not excellent#and yeah it’s apparently very easy to get coverage if something comes up and I don’t wanna go in (friends hanging out and don’t wanna miss-#it etc)#and conversely also very easy to pick up hours if I want to work more#less set in stone you know#I’ll have TIME to figure my Etsy back out if I want I’ll have TIME to figure out wtf I’m doing with myself etc etc etc#but yeah between now and Christmas it’s literally like a $2000 difference so idk idk idk idk idk idk idk#oh also this is stupid but the place I currently work is so insanely busy and such an insanely small space#I am mildly concerned about Covid and my long COVID getting even WORSE etc. feels paranoid and dumb I guess but like idk#I had surgery on my fucking nose to fix long Covid and it’s still not fixed so it’s something I worry about#god if my fucking Etsy still existed it’d be a no brainer#I applied for these jobs to have something fun to do in my spare time#and now I can’t do the fun job I actually wanted#UGH UGH UGH
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wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.
#vent#for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode#like constantly#from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived#to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week#and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally#not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic#and now someone died in my family#not someone very close but i liked them#and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing#because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter#so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with#because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter..#i'd just want a week where nothing happens#and like the writing is weighing heavy on me#because i miss it#also i wish i could finish something#i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off#also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit#i bought new furniture#because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly#which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself#just because i was too burnt out to write#and i wanted something nice to happen to me#like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice#and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns#and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken#because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid#yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job#long pathetic whine and overshare over
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Personal
Hi.
How did you get over your quarter life crisis?
Because I’m trying not to fall into the vast unyielding void. And I’m failing hilariously.
#TAG RANT. CAN IGNORE. YOON JUST NEEDS TO GET HER THOUGHTS OUT.#filler tag to push the rest of the rant down past the cut off point.#i literally don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and I can’t decide anything.#do I stay in flowers#do I leave flowers#do I try and get into film again#do I move to Europe#or delay that and go back to school for the one thing that’s always brought me pure happiness#or do I move out of my city#but in all of this I have to consider my partner and what he wants#but I don’t know what to do. i don’t know what the right thing for me is and I can’t afford a therapist so I ramble on the internet in hopes#of a shiny beacon of something rings into my head and figures everyhting out for me#like. I’ll be 25 in April. a ways off. but I’m 25 and I haven’t done anything. i don’t know what I’m supposed to do?? i had a life plan that#was derailed so hilariously hard by COVID that cannot be mended. and this is the first time I haven’t had a plan or a solid goal and so now#I’m floating in the middle of the pacific wondering which direction to turn in hopes of finding land#i have nothing to work towards and I miss who I was. i want to be that again. i wanna be her again. but it’s so difficult to do that.#anyway. rant over. needed to get that out. thanks for reading if you did.#this actually made me feel a lot better hope moly.
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exhaustion induced panic attack incoming
#i am fine with travelling for long periods but i didn't dare to take my mask off long enough to eat#or drink really....#because everyone around me was coughing all the time and i can't get covid again!!!!! especially when i want to go get vaccinated again soon#and then i had hoped the last three hours would be chill but nope people go to Oktoberfest and then go back by train and are loud and drunk#and also coughing??????#and now it's really hitting me that i am just back and have to face everything again and i can't i can't#i don't even wanna go home#theres nothing there for me abymore
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Man, I had hoped my sister could be an ally in my fight for independence from mom but no, she's still too wishy-washy for my comfort.
"Don't go hiding things from her" was said today.
Mom doesn't need to know everything I do!
#she noticed me avoiding talking about my plan to go get my vaccinations today in front of mom#mom's not one of those super anti-vaxxers but she still has *opinions* and only got one covid vaccine back at the start#i didn't want to hear any opinion or even tones#but i had to anyway#and mom does just have trouble with tones even when it means nothing#but i know her opinions on vaccines and this one could mean something#and sister got to make it like we're both at fault when i did my own defensive warning against mom's tone#ugh#i'm just gonna uber next time#i really need to start ubering to escape the enforced family hive mind
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A very interesting cloud formation!
#I don't think I had ever really seen clouds like this before? it looks like a cool painting or something :0#Pulling just a few images from my cloud and sky photos folder which has like 650 pictures in it becvause I'm obsessed with the sky lol#I will usually spare everyone the cloudposting but... in some exceptions when it's really cool I must Share#(upcoming covid mention in tags for those avoiding the topic)#I WANT TO BE ON AN AIRPLANE SO SO BAD I am going to start casting evil spells to explode all these 'back to normal' bastards who are out#spreading virus and shit HHHHHH... Covid is NOT over actually contrary to popular beielf especially for people with health conditions#that make them more vulnerable or would have worse consequences if they were to catch it etc. etc. wearing a mask in public is#in MOSt cases not THAt much of a horrific terrible evil inconvenience and it helps keep everyone around you safer including these#vulnerable populations!!!! Even if I didn't have any problems myself I would STILL be masking because it's a small gesture that can make a#big difference in people around me being comfortable. It's not like people with health issues just never have to go out or go to the stor#or whatever. There are still people out there who could be helped by extra precautions that are being overlooked. grrrrr...#Like at this point since I'm vaccinated and everything I would MAYBE consider flying on an airplane IF everyone else around me#was masking and being just as careful as me. But at this point it's just the wild west and I would literally be the only one who gives#a shit or who gets tested freqeuntly before after and during traveling and wears the proper type of mask well fitting and not half off my f#ce and blah blah blah. And precautions work best when EVEYRONE is participating. There's only so much you can protext yourself if everyone#around you is doing nothing. So.. alas.. I still do not feel safe traveling. And probably won't for years until more progress is made in#terms of like understanding and treating certain long covid issues and etc. Since I think it's inevitable that if I start going out again#I would get covid. Me and my household bubble are some of the only people I know who haven't had it yet (or at least not knowingly so - if#so it was one of the asymptomatic cases etc.). So if I was GOING to get it anyway I'd at least like the assurance that whatever long term#issues I inevtabley suffer because of it will be more easily treatable at that point instead of entirely disabling even further than I'm#already disabled. etc. AAANYWAY!! all that to say. I JSUT REALLY WANT TO be on an airplane!!! I dont even like traveling and going places I#hate vacations and would rather be at home working on my projects I'm fixated on lol HOWEVER I love the view from airplane windows#like the very few times in my life Ive actually been on a plane and the window is so COLD when you lay your forehead on it and sometimes yo#even see little ice crystals and it's like you're just in a landscape of clouds with a sea of clouds above and below and aaaAAAAAA#Literally I want to get on a plane just to go up in the air and then land and fly back. I don't even want to go on a real trip. I just NEED#to see the sky I need to be IN the sky I need to have that VIEW and the cold and everything!!!! gRGGHGgg... And I will do that the entire#time. I think my longest plane ride was 7 hours and I do not watch movies. I dont text or play games. I literally do nothing to entertain#myself except stare straight out the window for 7 hours (with a few eating and bathroom breaks). not even joking lmao. It's like a trance#I LOVE the sky and clouds so much and the view you get from an airplane is like incomparable!! also I love airports with the big windows an#people watching. but mostly I just long for the sky view again. GRRR.. sobbing and yearning >:T
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i love my brain i love when something pretty amazing happens like ur dad offering to help you start a business and instead of being happy im sobbing about how i hate my job and i feel so trapped bc i literally am trapped in this very specific field
#whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy did not just do something i enjoyed at college. i could have gone on to uni and actually enjoyed it and enjoy my life#and enjoy my future job#but no i had to do something that would make it easy to get a job#well congrats it was easy to get a job and i fucking hate it#and i didnt need the college quals to do this anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i could be studying something i like AND doing this job#and i cant do anything else bc my qual is so specific#but also not a high enough level to be useful anywhere#and i cant go to uni in this field bc theres nothing i want to do and i already applied an no one wanted me#and i cant apply for uni for a course i actually want to do bc of our stupid fucking system#which means i need relevent a levels which i dont have i dont even have relevent gcses#and also yeah ill just start my own fucking business like its just that fucking easy#i hate this fucking job and im too disabled to suvive even the 2 hours a day im doing right now#but sure ill just start a whole fucking business yeah why didnt i think of that#i swear he thinks he can just buy these things of the shelf like a tv. which is basically what he did#a care company will not work like that boyo and i dont want to anyway#god. i just hate this. why didnt i follow my passion#and i have COVID and my nose is bleeding so i cant even cry properly about this#i want to dissolve into a puddle
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just in case anyone thought i was exaggerating about how stupid my coworkers think i am today one of them told me i could write "turbid which is like the scientific word for cloudy" on a urinalysis sticker. i have a college degree in a science
#god and the worst part is i think theyre partially correct#like i'm not As dumb as they think i am but i am definitely stupider than i used to be and it is driving me completely insane#i genuinely don't know if its the depression or chronic weed use or like i'm just suddenly brain damaged in the last 6 months or so#but it's really really bad. i think it has gotten a little better since starting my current antidepressant but my short term memory is like#unbelievably bad. it was never good but i literally cannot remember anything now. i have to stop thinking about this or i will start crying#my intelligence has always been like one of the things i have a weird complex about due to not getting an education until high school#and being barely socialized etc and it was more or less all i had going for me#and now it's like. ok i got nothing lmao#i don't even think it's covid brain damage because i felt this way before i got covid#although it definitely got worse after getting the job but i think thats a combination of not knowing what i'm doing + being treated like#garbage + sleep deprivation#my therapist who i haven't seen in months because he was stressing me out thought i was smart as hell for some reason. which was flattering#but like i said he was stressing me out. he had too good of a read on me and i can't get over my trust issues with men#“you should go to therapy about that” you might say and you would be right but. well#me
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aughhhh. aughhhhhjhhhh
#everhoneignore this post classic rant post i don't have real problems everyone can move along#truly have had such a bad couple of days here and i am not even close to finishing the assignments i need to finish in welding being in#clsss makes me want to quit and die i don't know why i'm so slow i don't know why everyone else can intuit this stuff and improve and#understand how to do it and im always always falling behind if i could try harder wouldn't i be able to do that ive got no drive to push#myself at all i guess i like the english and i can do the physics i thought i at least liked drafting and metals fabrication but i feel so#stupid everything i do makes me feel so stupid and my teacher talks to me like i'm always doing everything wrong when i do some classroom#ettiquette breaches that everyone else does too and i can't get myself to go to sleep on time can't get myself to go in early i have hours#and hours and hours and i blink and it's gone and i've done nothing i should've welded today and gone in early to draft but i didn't because#im stupid and im slow and i can't do anything right i have always been able to square away a little bit of pride on being precise on doing#things well because people are always telling me that i am but i am below average here i just can't do things right and i feel like everyone#hates me and thinks i'm obnoxious and i don't know how to interface with my class or my teacher or how to improve or how to be less anxious#and i feel even stupider for that because i am so stuck up not being able to deal with even a little bit of failure or issue or hardship#and everyone around me is sick all my classmates and people in my dorm are sick im sure it's covid they haven't said it's covid but none of#them would test and i've been wearing a mask again but im certainly been exposed to it already and no one else is wearing a mask anyway so#what difference does it even make and i can hear them coughing in my dorm and in the classroom and when i go to get food and i miss seeing#my friends from philly and everuthing will be terrible forever and ever#alex talks
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the problem with bed alarms is that they're easy as fuck to set off. and deactivating them is apparently like defusing a bomb idk
#cleaning a covid room as you do . sweating to death#it was at Least 70 degrees and i had on a respirator gown gloves and goggles#and the bed was for some reason not plugged in so when i was wiping it down i needed to plug it back in to move it/straighten it out#and the alarm IMMEDIATELY starts blaring so i just unplugged it lol#but it calls the nurses station ofc so they come over the intercom like . hey what do you need#and i awkwardly go 'sorry i accidentally set it off' but the lady couldn't understand me and i haf to repeat it like 3 times#so ig im going to leave the bed fucked up bc im not about to set the alarm off again lol#save me#finch chirps#but like . In the room why is there no simple way to shut it off. hello. theres a cancel button on all the panels and they do nothing lol
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Tis' the season where I mentally and physically suffer. Complaining below (feel free to ignore, I'm just venting. I usually do this every year to get most of it out of my system lol):
mmm the fall/winter SAD is indeed in full swing. No warmth + no sun = a bad bad time. I always get so annoyed when ppl assume that I love winter bc I'm a "winter baby", as if that has any sort of divine intervention on instantaneously adapting you to perfectly fit the climate you were born in. NOPE. Silly human superstition. I start to freeze once it hits below 20C. I wish I lived in a warmer climate o|-< The depresso is probably going to make me very whiny and moody until next spring, so an early forewarning bc I'm EXTREMELY annoying about it this time of year bc it's the only way I know how to deal with it. But moreso in addition to the physical stuff is how badly it messes with my mind, making me so depressed to the point of just... sitting in non-moving silence where I become stiff as a board (very painful btw) and I isolate, making the bad depresso brain time even worse where I overthink everything bc of the silence and isolation. It's also always the time of year where everyone goes quiet too, which is understandable, but also makes things 10x worse (I am very alone in my life and where I am, and kind of rely on online friends bc they're all I have. I don't even have a pet. I'm literally just, loner mode. I don't really have much family to speak of, and only one family member I do speak to. I have little to no connections at all. But regardless, this is still the best living situation I've been in my whole life, so that's saying something).
#i hate the cold; I hate ice; cold air hurts my skin and burns my lungs#i hate snow (I'm sorry I just don't think it's pretty. It's gross; erases all colour/everything; blinding; kills everything; claustrophobic#I hate long nights; i hate all the darkness#I take Vitamin D drops every day during winter and they don't really help#I also use those special lights meant to help during the long darkness for the same reason; and they also do not help#nothing works!!!!!! eating and drinking hot things doesn't help me stay warm bc heat dissipates away quickly and doesn't help my extremitie#the cold makes me SO dry and dehydrated; makes my bones hurt; makes outside DANGEROUS AF. ICE IS BAD. BE CAREFUL.#I can't retain heat; my hypothyroidism makes me colder by default and I just don't metabolize good/fast enough to keep myself warm#(my body temp is lower than average; fun fact! same with my blood pressure! both of them are very low)#I think my average from all the times I've had it scanned during covid was 32-36C. No idea how that works; I just remember checking it a lo#my fingers and hands are going to freeze; making it harder to draw/type/etc.#I'm not going to wear gloves inside my home bc that's dumb and they don't help anyways. It will just screw up my ability to use my hands#I get to be in pain for months with increased potential of being sick :/#also I HATE bundling/layering myself with clothing or blankets; it's suffocating; restricting; sensory hell for me; sweaters are uncomfy :(#also whenever I try to do that all it does is insulate the cold for me; keeping me colder for even longer!!!!! it's so unfair!!!!#I've worn out 2 space heaters already and they don't work properly anymore (I used them both so much I wore out my preferred settings lol)#sobs; i'm a sad plant lizard
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eggs and ramen with eppy 💜
#txt#kinda happy rn bc i just send a card to my sister & i have done like Nothing the past few days (sick with Probably Covid so can't go out#anywhere) and the eggs came out really nice 🥹 just gotta keep on keepin on#the thing was just that i havent had a fever or been bedridden yet (mom has been testing & she's been negative w the same symptoms of me)#*as#& have been really low energy anyway so ive gotten barely anything done#even though i do have some low energy tasks that i could have done so im mad at myself for that
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