#By. working with me and recognising behaviours. LMAO

[tardigrade-train]

Coworker has mentioned multiple times now if my family is ‘on the spectrum’ and when pushed means mentally ill and im like??? Honey do you think im austistic or smthn. Is that what this is? Or are you using spectrum as cathall for neurodivergent???

[snow-and-saltea]

yesterday i spent 45 minutes of my life watching a video essay criticising the use of cheap shock values and crossing of taboos for a video game and i went from "he has a point even if he's explaining it in a really inflammatory way" to "oh umm... i can see how he thinks that way even if i don't agree" to "oh this guy's just straight up using people on tumblr as material for an audience to get mad at like other outdated people on the internet. nvm he's just an asshole"

[vigilskeep]

is it just me or is the justification for hawke helping meredith annul the gallows completely… non-existent? i try and try to figure out why hawke would think killing all the mages for something anders openly did himself was the right decision and i always come up blank. only a really sadistic, mage-hating hawke would be okay with it. the whole annulment is so insane and senseless to me. is it just me who thinks this, or would other fans agree?

for roleplay purposes, i think there are a few mindsets you can work with beyond hawke just being foundationally comically evil. here’s a couple suggestions off the top of my head:

they believe that an annulment will sate the templars and the common people, containing the violence to kirkwall in one bloody stroke rather than causing widespread retribution across thedas

they have fought tooth and nail for their place in kirkwall for seven years and they are ultimately not willing to sacrifice it and be a refugee again, no matter what they have to do. i think it’s interesting to consider how da2 is framed and advertised as a rise-to-power game, and the crux of siding with the mages is giving all that up, whereas you can only finish your climb to the top by siding with the templars

they believe having a voice on the “winning side” is the only way they can save themself (if a mage) or their sister (if bethany is a circle mage) from meredith’s wrath. they are unwilling to risk their lives and their friends’ lives fighting for what they see as a doomed cause

for a mage hawke, a desperate desire to believe that they can be a mage who is “different” and cut themselves off from the rest, and if they have previously supported the templars, a kind of sunk cost fallacy where what they’ve done has to be worth it

for a non-mage hawke, deep-seated bitterness that they were raised for this fight, that they are expected to die for this when magic has never done anything for them but take everything they have

i think hawke is a really difficult protagonist to play pro templar because the game places you into a position where you and your family’s existence, and that of companions you have no choice but to pick up, is inherently an act of defiance against the templars. ser wesley makes that clear from the start of the game. it’s illegal for you to exist freely, and there is never any option to do what the templars require, because it would completely end your ability to act as hawke. that’s a game limitation but there’s something to be said for that as a thematic comment, as well. persecutors can put down their weapons and go home, but the only way to escape being the enemy of people who want you dead for what you are is to stop existing. there’s a reason meredith will always turn on you no matter what, beyond just wanting everyone to have that boss fight. there’s a reason writers have talked about regretting that for orsino but not for her, and there’s a reason she’s (iirc? lmao) always the climactic fight and ultimate enemy that comes last, whoever you side with

there’s no morally justifiable reason for anyone to annul a circle, full stop. it’s incredibly evil, inarguably. but real people do evil things. obviously exploring a character like that is not for everyone as a game experience, but as a thought exercise i do think it’s worth recognising that people who enact atrocities aren’t somehow magically inherently soulless. populations who collectively commit the worst evils that humanity has ever seen don’t just, like, happen to have a higher concentration of evil than everyone else in a world. it’s a human behaviour we see committed constantly by people born as ordinary as you and me. and i do think that’s something we should be aware of, rather than falling into the trap of believing there’s something that, uh, inherently separates us from those people, because then we risk complacency and blindness, right, and thinking something must be fine because our people and our leaders would never do something like that. that got a little off track and philosophical. food for thought! it’s not like every templar who takes part in the annulment is somehow inhuman, is my point, and the fact that they follow those orders is really very human, if you compare them to, you know, any military force now or in history. it’s what happens. (as is resistance and compassion, before we get too bleak.) hawke is human, too, and even when presented with only one morally acceptable choice, may not always make it

uhh my point is i do think it can be done without hawke just being an irrational villain caricature who kills for fun, and it’s an rpg literally made for you to have those options, but it requires effort and creativity and grappling with what’s involved a bit. there’s a reason players overwhelmingly support the mages it’s not a surprising response to that choice at all

[lemonhemlock]

I saw a comment that really hit the nail on the head regarding a lot of the fandom in both ASOIAF/HOTD spaces. Basically, this comment said that a lot of Dany/Rhaenyra/Targ stans don't understand that targ women can both be oppressed and also oppressors. They literally view Westeros in this lens that the Worst Thing That Can Ever Happen to someone is misogyny, and yes GRRM's ahistorical levels of misogyny imbued in his work don't help here, and that nothing else can come close lol. They don't really get class dynamics, lesser nobles, etc. When you're the crown princess of the realm you have immense power, but also responsibility which, yes, includes not openly cuckolding your spouse and having obvious bastards you try to put into the succession lol. They very much think that every targ women could do whatever she wanted with her immensely privileged and pampered position as a royal and if anyone says anything, well, it's misogyny. It's a deeply unannounced, ahistorical way to look at this series.

Your comment in one of your other anons where you said 'are you really sexually liberated if you are causing pain to others in your vicinity' was funny to me because targ stans unironically would say 'yes.' They are stuck in this modern sensibility that romantic/sexual freedom is the number one civil liberty and anything a character does in pursuit of it is fine, even at the expense of others, and if anything bad happens as a result, well that's just the Patriarchy's fault. It's a fundamental difference in thinking that I don't think can ever be bridged because they are incapable of not projecting modern values. They truly believe that targ women can be privileged, pampered, politically and socially powerful, yet not be beholden to any of the traditions, duties, or responsibilities even with the most, like, basic decorum expected of royal and any calling out of this behavior is just misogyny lmao.

It's just so stupid lmao. Imagine if people had said that Queen Elizabeth II, one of the most rich, powerful, and privileged women in the world for literal decades was 'oppressed' because she couldn't have obvious affairs or take official mistresses or boytoys and have bastard children like her male forefathers did and blame that on misogyny lmao. It's literally the same thought process but these people cannot put two and two together if their lives depended on it.

^^^^ you did it, anon. you condensed targ stans to their essence 😅

some of them act as if being monarch should mean doing exactly what you want at all times and any kind of suggestion that immense privilege comes at the price of great responsibility automatically translates to misogyny. god forbid we put some restriction on "absolute power" and make it less absolute.

also in regards to sexual freedom and their inability to imagine a life without it. you live in the 21st century!! not only that you have recognised rights enshrined by law, but you also have modern medicine!! you have antibiotics, contraceptives, safe abortion, emergency services, surgeons, you can book an appointment with a doctor if you're feeling unwell etc. look me in the eye and tell me that if all of those were taken away overnight you'd continue to be your sexually liberated self and risk dying painfully of an STD in the name of love.

of course there are religious and sexist dimensions to restricting women's sexuality, there is no point in pretending otherwise, but who would really want their spouse to risk infecting them with whatnot in the name of sexual freedom? it's equally unhelpful in pretending there's not an aspect of public health in encouraging behaviours like chastity, monogamy and being faithful to your spouse.

again, this is not to say that it was all good and proper to be like that and what a time of pure morals we left behind in the olden days. it's to say that those times truly sucked for a lot of people, sometimes because of reasons they had no control over, and that they often had to choose between options that all sucked in some way

[quitefair]

Dragon Age Lore Breakdown: Gereon Alexius

Started working on my accursed DA fic again, and the research rabbit hole led me down the In Hushed Whispers path. And I found out a bunch of things about this dude that I realised I never knew before.

Anyway, ramble under the cut.

Before he became a Magister, Gereon Alexius was first and foremost, a researcher of magic. One that was trying to push the boundaries of what magic could do, particularly in the field of ‘traveling through and controlling both time and physical space’.

His research partner (and eventual wife) was Livia Arida, a researcher who focused specifically on the Veil.

Gereon’s father, Magister Alexius, was your typical Tevinter upper class dude – focused on power and bloodlines and image. House Alexius wished Gereon focused less on the theoretical and more on magic with practical uses.

Gereon's father thus gave up his post as Magister to his nerdy ass son in the hopes that he would become more invested in politics like he himself was.

Instead, Magister Gereon used his position to ‘became a tireless champion of education, criticizing his peers for pouring the Imperium's funds into the war with the Qunari at the expense of the Circle and demanding better schooling and institutions of higher learning for the Soporati.'

His codex entry is more telling of his backstory and character than anything he's displayed in game lmao.

He continued his research in a diminished capacity, and subsequently married his long-time sweetheart and research partner Livia Arida. He also took a position as professor of thaumaturgy at the Minrathous Circle.

[They use the word ‘thamaturgy’ here very liberally, and I’ve not seen this anywhere else in my Dragon Age research. We all know the DND connotations, but I would like to take the meaning of the term as ‘boundary breaking magical research’, since that’s what Gereon is known for. Like idk the Thedosian equivalent of fringe science.]

[[This also assumes a scientific hierarchy within the study of magic within Imperium society, which I doubt they will explore in DA4, but gods that would be so fucking fascinating.]]

Anyway, Gereon and Livia had a son, Felix. Despite both his parents being mages, and particularly gifted ones at that, Felix was a very weak mage, one that could only cast very simple spells and with great effort.

Gereon’s father saw Felix as a weak link, described him as ‘just barely more than a Soporati’. Because of this, he tried to have Felix assassinated. Typical Magister behaviour.

Livia, being absolutely… livid (yeah I went there lmao), intercepted the assassin, and in turn, fucking had Gereon’s father assassinated instead. This ensured Felix's safety and secured Gereon as head of House Alexius.

Anyway, if it wasn’t clear how much Livia and Gereon loved Felix, you should know by now. Since he couldn't learn much magic, they brought in tutors from all fields – history, art, music, literature, etc, ensuring that anything the boy could study was offered to him on a silver platter.

And although Felix wasn’t a powerful mage, he seemed to have inherited his parents’ analytical minds, and therefore was a gifted mathematician. Recognising this, his parents sent him to study at the University of Orlais.

In the meantime, both Gereon and Livia continued their boundary breaking research. At this point, they decided to take on assistants and apprentices, since they could not involve their son in their research.

While Livia took on ‘half dozen of the most promising young students of the Fade and the Veil throughout the Imperium’, Gereon chose only one apprentice.

You know who it was.

So they continued their research – with Gereon and Dorian focusing on breaking the boundaries of magic itself, while Livia and her apprentices sought to determine the effects of such magic on the Veil. Kind of like an unstoppable force vs immovable object situation.

[There's also what I can only assume is an artist's rendition of their notes in The World of Thedas 2, which is... well.]

[The description included: Careful study is paid to the eyes of the nug. Based on the drawings and a limited deciphering of the text, the author seems all but obsessed with understanding what animals see and how this might differ from our own perception of reality.]

[[Edit: apparently the images above aren't from Gereon's notes, but from a book called Grim Anatomy. Dissecting this book is a whole nother post so we'll leave it at that.]]

They were apparently super close to a breakthrough. But we can’t have nice things in Thedas, can’t we?

In 9:38 Dragon, Gereon and Livia travelled to Orlais to visit Felix. As the family travelled back to Minrathous (or Hossberg - Dragon Age is never consistent with the lore), they were attacked by hurlocks. For some reason, Gereon wasn’t with his wife and son when this happened.

Livia is killed and Felix is tainted.

Gereon is obviously filled with survivors guilt, the grief of losing his wife, and the fear of now losing his son to the taint. He stopped caring for anything other than his son’s health, and this affected his relationship with his research, and by extension, Dorian.

This led to an argument over how distant and strange Gereon was becoming, and eventually Dorian parted ways with Gereon.

In the gap between this and the events of Inquisition, Gereon is now part of the Venatori. It can be assumed that the reason he joined was because of promises made that the Elder One can save Felix from death.

[We can probably extrapolate that Gereon somehow understands that Corypheus is a darkspawn, and so that adds to the weight of his belief that Corypheus can cure Felix.]

It is this time and space bending research that is the foundation of In Hushed Whispers.

Once Gereon is defeated, you can judge him in Skyhold. If you decide to take him in as an agent, he can continue his research for the Inquisition. (Though canonically all it yields is this amulet. Which isn't even unique, you can get it in random loot drops anywhere. Sad.)

[petrichoraline]

they should have left august have genuine feelings for day imo like we already saw him kinda disappointed it was not a date with mork... the whole kiss thing felt so wrong they did day (and august too tbh) dirty

to start off, thank you for indulging me with a ltts message 🥰 also I hope this isn't too long, i havent had the time to seriously think about this episode so this is my chance 💓

throughout the episode I began wondering if august was a legitimate contender and the thought bothered me for a few reasons: i had been under the impression the plot isn't really about that; that there would be no space to fit in a love triangle of this size if other conflicts were to be explored and resolved. basically that mork and day would have enough on their plate without august in the picture and focusing on those two would only slow down the development of the main couple. I did find the thought of august's intentions being serious intriguing though, a bit frustrating, yes, but also interesting.

now, I had a bit of trouble understanding your point but im guessing you mean we already saw that day was disappointed the party wasn't a date so we're aware of his feelings and they are not aimed at august anymore? so it wouldn't have been an issue if august just continued liking day because day doesn't like him that way anymore, right? because I get that, it wouldn't have been the first time that's happened on screen haha but also that's exactly why I'm not that fond of the idea. day and august having a mutual crush and that going for a few episodes? THAT I find intriguing, an actual relationship trying to figure itself out while it's doomed by the narrative because it isn't the main romance.

but august having actual romantic feelings for day and stepping aside (because the show wants this couple dealt with by the end of the first half, apparently, and it would have cut him off somehow) would be something both sad and also, in my humble opinion, redundant. I've seen it before, it's just a bummer for everyone involved and I don't need it here.

what the plot actually did was very nice, as weird as it sounds. it gave us a character who loves his mate a lot. I do not doubt that august has strong feelings for day. everyone is pissed at him at the moment, day is hurt because there was pity, mork is angry because there was lack of consideration but that boy cares for day, a lot. i suppose there are feelings of guilt, they were on the court together when day lost his vision and then he didn't contact august for over a year. august probably felt some sort if personal responsibility for day's condition or for his behaviour towards him while they were partners, for the fact day felt he couldn't tell him the truth. so there is guilt and there is pity but also there is affection for a friend, for a partner, for the person alongside which you aimed for your dreams. they have a bond (and im sure people have expressed a lot about their sync and dynamic that I haven't picked up on but a bond is undeniable).

august tried to be a better person, a warm one, someone day doesn't recognise. he tried to be everything he wasn't before because thats what he decided day wants and needs. the night at the bar he was already feeling bad about leaving day to hang. on a side note, while the episode was airing i ran to check whether the cast was there that night and if it was on the same arm. it was. august didnt lie and im paranoid lmao anyways

the scene was crushing for mork and us, sure, but it was also very hard for august. he had had an accident, he couldn't contact day and still went as soon as he could after midnight. when he heard the confession he ran which honestly felt like an appropriate reaction - indicating he was there would make day embarrassed and pretending to come in later also wouldn't work because his partner who recently came back into his life with shocking news after ghosting him for a year suddenly confessed he's in love with him. while he's exhausted and hurt. of course the kid needed time to process what the fuck is going on! and he came back the very next morning, ready to make things right.

the issue stems from the fact he had no clue what right is, his underdeveloped brain told him to be a better friend than before but it went too far off in the direction of that thought and landed at "be what he wants you to be to a T" which includes, well, a romantic interest. and that's just not something you can force but alas, earnest, stupid august tried to check off everything on the "make day happy" list.

that boy ran off crying (I would too if mork glared at me like a maddog but still) because he kissed and got kissed by someone he didn't want such contact with ( the reciprocated kiss was A Lot for him) and then realised he'd hurt the person he wanted to satisfy in every way. his words indicate he didn't intend the kiss to be just one, that he wanted to actively change the way he feels about day, that he considered being his boyfriend. I figure he truly realised that was not an option while the kiss was happening hence why the second one had him running away again.

we know august is impulsive and earnest, his intentions were coming from a good place but he couldn't plan to save his life. he acts with his heart and so he was relying on falling for day till the end with no backup plan. it's either that or he knew before the kiss and intended it to be a single gift and I can't tell which is worse. in any case he was aware of the big possibility him and days weren't going to work out so his actions were majorly irresponsible.

the kiss had me screaming NOO literally and then the second one nearly had me gripping my hair, idek what sounds I made from the beginning till the end of that scene but "felt wrong" is something I can understand though it didd feel wrong but maybe not in the way you mean?

i didn't know nor suspect august's intentions and thought process so the kiss felt real to me and though I was against it as an avid morkday shipper, I didn't think that narratively it was bad. day was done dirty a 100% (though he gets mork acting on his feelings finally so..glass half full..?). let's not forget that mork actively supported day's perception of the situation as flirting - not his fault, that's what august was doing after all - but it's something that made the fall that much worse. day was getting hyped up by mork the way he was by gee ABOUT mork before that. he gets affected by his friends' opinions because he relies on them to read the other's body language and intentions. so there is this feeling of helplessness not only because of the pity that guided august's actions but the fact he couldn't assess the situation himself. so yes, for this and many other reasons, day was done dirty by every definition of the phrase.

but as for august and the plot I'm not so sure. august as a character is, to me, much more interesting as this confused and, frankly, unintelligent young man whose heart seems to be in the right place..? but whose actions are totally misguided than if he were, let's say, a good guy finally acting on his crush after years. I suppose he could've stopped before the kiss and told day the truth and maybe day would be a bit disappointed but definitely more forgiving and less heartbroken..

but then how would we see that day can help mork tame his anger with just a touch of the hand? and we needed an act so grotesque that would lead them to have a conversation that makes mork want to scream "I do not pity you, I haven't pitied you for a second, you are so strong and smart and loveable, i love you, how could you ever focus on a nobody like him when you are everything, you deserve so much more, how could you not know that, why did i ever let him near you, i should have never allowed for this to happen, i love you so much god I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU" (yes thats what those eyes at the rooftop said, idk what yall heard.)

i believe the charm of this scene and this whole conflict is that no one there is acting out of malice. it's just people doing what they think is right. mork stepping aside was not the right move technically but it fits his character and the plot as well. imo august wasn't done dirty, he was made interesting and also he isn't a bad guy. he did some really harmful shit but by the end of the scene i didn't feel an ounce of malice from him. there could still be love between the two but one that's not based around day walking on eggshells and one that doesn't rely on august to be something he is not. when they arent forced by the outside to be in close proximity and make things work, when they can just tease each other comfortably without taking all of the other's happiness and well-being as their own responsibility, thats when they could have a nice casual friendship with a lot of appreciation for the other. i believe him and day would reconcile at some point in the future when day is ready to forgive and august is ready to stop running.

[silverdune]

1978. | the one who caught my likeness

"..is he painting us?"

minors dni. ageless blogs dni. blank blogs dni. you'll be blocked. <- previous | 1978 masterlist | next -> character(s): kim hongjoong, jung wooyoung (ft. park seonghwa, jeong yunho, kang yeosang, choi san, song mingi) tags: explicit language, painter!wy, alcohol, drunk behaviour, hj drunkenly runs across a busy street (he's fine!), awkward moments, slight emotional angst word count: 5.9k summary: the time hongjoong met a painter who was capturing his likeness from across the street.. a/n: so this is somehow the longest chapter i've written so far lmao.. tbh it's more context than anything else but i also think i hold this chapter near and dear to my heart so, i hope you enjoy!

you say i captivated you don’t understand how that could be true when it was you and how your colours bled into my view i don’t know how you did it but you painted me in a way i knew was true

× April, 1974 ×

“Oh, darling, I cannot believe it! When you told me you had a surprise, I never once imagined it would be this!”

Hongjoong could hear his ma’s astonished tone, full of love and pride, and it made tears bubble up in his eyes.

“Aw, thank you, ma. Do you see now why I couldn’t reveal anything?” he asked with a chuckle.

“Certainly! I am just.. I am just so incredibly over the moon for you. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.”

Hongjoong blinked back the tears that threatened to fall and sniffled quietly so his ma couldn’t hear. “Thanks, ma. I’ve worked so hard on this album.”

“You’ve worked so hard to get there in the first place! I knew you wouldn’t give up on your passion for anyone.”

There was a hint of melancholy in her tone and it made Hongjoong’s chest feel heavy. Anyone meant his father.

He had never been one for confrontation, and he didn’t want to act smugly in the face of his father. He just didn’t have the heart to be like that.

There was a faint sound of movement on the other end, and Hongjoong could hear another voice talking to her. He straightened his back: speaking of which..

“Oh, Hongjoong, your father wants to talk to you quickly..”

Hongjoong caught the tension in his ma’s voice. She was worried her husband would pick a fight with her son over the phone.

“That’s okay, ma,” he said, an act of reassurance, “you can pass him the phone.”

The waves in between their two receivers seemed to pull taut at the idea. His ma exhaled, and after a few seconds, his pa’s voice rang through the speaker. “Hello?”

“Ah, hello, pa. How are you doing?” Hongjoong scratched the back of his neck.

“I’m not doing too bad. And yourself?”

Hongjoong hated the formal way in which they spoke to one another. It wasn’t cold, it was just still. “I’m doing.. really well, yes.”

His pa gave a faint smile. “That’s good to know. We heard about the release of your first album. It’s quite maniacal to imagine that you’ve actually done it.”

Hongjoong scoffed a laugh in his throat. That was one thing they could agree on. “Indeed. I wake up every morning and still think I’m in a dream.”

Much to Hongjoong’s surprise, his pa laughed a little. “You’ll feel like that for a while, I suspect. Heck, five years down the line you might still feel like that.”

Five years..

Did his father genuinely believe Hongjoong would make it to five years as an artist? Did he really have that level of belief in him?

“Gee, five years would be insane, ha..”

“It would be, absolutely, but I think if you put your mind to it, you’ll make it anywhere.”

Hongjoong drew back in shock. What leaf had his father turned?

“You really believe that?” he wondered, not holding back on the amount of confusion in his voice.

Eventually, his father sighed. “Hongjoong.. I’ve had many months to think about everything that happened before you left for Seoul. I recognise that I wasn’t always the most.. supportive person towards you and your ambitions.”

Hongjoong felt dizzy. He took a seat on the couch.

“I asked myself, ‘what kind of father would I be to continue being so dismissive of my son?’ And so, I will try to be.. more supportive.”

Something churned inside Hongjoong. Initially, he wondered if his father had been prompted by his mother to say something, but in the end, Hongjoong realised he didn’t care.

This was the first step, and he would take anything above his own pa acting like he doesn’t exist.

“Pa.. I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say a word. It’s not you that needs to make up for anything.”

Hongjoong’s heart disintegrated in his chest. He gripped the receiver until his palm hurt and cried quietly into his shirt sleeve.

At that moment, Seonghwa entered the living room.

In an instant, Seonghwa dropped down beside Hongjoong on the couch. Hongjoong was on the verge of tears, and quickly said goodbye to his pa with a promise that they’ll talk again soon.

“Talk to you soon, son. And good luck.”

Once Hongjoong put the receiver down, he fell apart in Seonghwa’s arms.

“Hey, it’s okay.. What happened?” The ease and comfort in Seonghwa’s voice helped calm Hongjoong down fairly quickly, and when he lifted his head, Seonghwa was shocked to see a gleaming smile on his lips. “Um.. You okay?”

Hongjoong sniffed. “Couldn’t be happier,” he said. He put space between the two of them as he mopped up the rest of his tears.

“Right..” said Seonghwa, laughing nervously. “What exactly happened?”

“Pa spoke to me. He said that he thought a lot about what happened before I left for Seoul, the argument we had, and he said that he would try to be more supportive of me going forward.”

Stunned, Seonghwa curtly said, “Wow. So he apologised?”

Hongjoong stopped. He thought back on their conversation. No, he hadn’t. “Um, not exactly..”

“So, he said all of that without an apology?” Seonghwa flexed a brow.

Hongjoong looked over at him. He could understand Seonghwa’s perspective, but at the same time, “I’ll take anything, Hwa. The fact that he even said that to me is huge.”

Seonghwa stared at him for a while until his eyes softened. He recalled how Hongjoong broke down just now. He couldn’t take this moment away from him. “Okay, just.. don’t let him get away without apologising properly,” he said, softly.

Hongjoong smiled. “I won’t, don’t worry.”

Seonghwa mirrored his expression and let out a sigh. “Good. I’m happy that you’ve had this conversation with your father.” Hongjoong looked back at the phone on the side table. He breathed out, a tinge of hope in its wind. “Me too, Seonghwa. Me too.”

×-×

San was the reason the six of them found themselves outside Mountain Top Merlot celebrating the release of Hongjoong’s first album.

So much had happened in the past few months alone, and Hongjoong was struggling to keep up with most of it.

When he saw Yunho from across the way holding a shiny new copy of his first vinyl - not signed, because Hongjoong refused to make a deity of himself - boasting a smile full of immense pride at his best friend’s achievements, Hongjoong felt the world stop around him. Yunho was eager to show it off to anyone who would listen, just so he could spend five minutes waxing lyrical on how talented his lifelong friend was, and how thrilled he was to be holding a tapestry to the blood, sweat and tears said friend had put in to make it happen.

Hongjoong couldn’t run away from the feeling that he hadn’t done a damn thing, and that he had just been extraordinarily lucky.

It was Yeosang who broke him out of these thoughts with a hand on his shoulder. “Staring at your pride and joy, huh?” He was nursing a glass of red wine in his other hand, and took a sip of it before letting go of Hongjoong’s shoulder.

“Hm?” Hongjoong blinked and looked at Yeosang. “Oh- Oh, yes, yeah, uh.. Quite crazy, huh?”

Yeosang immediately detected the light warble of his words and the way they didn’t fully resonate with the level of happiness he had shown before now.

Hongjoong stared at the bottle in his hand and lightly shook the contents before finishing the last few drops. In the split second between emptying the bottle and removing it from his lips, he saw Yunho and the vinyl through the bottom of the glass. Warped and blurry.

Yeosang nudged him. “Feeling out of sorts?”

“You could say that,” replied Hongjoong. He kept staring at the bottle. “One minute I’m over the moon and immensely proud and all of this is a dream and whatnot.. The next I’m tripping over myself, wondering what I even did to make it this far.” He glanced up. Yunho was still brandishing the vinyl as if it were his own. As if Hongjoong’s name wasn’t on the front.

But Hongjoong’s name was the only one coming out of Yunho’s mouth.

The beer swirled in Hongjoong’s stomach and it almost made him feel sick. He put the bottle down on the nearest table.

Yeosang caught Hongjoong staring, and for a brief minute, he physically turned Hongjoong on the spot to look at him.

“Hongjoong, folks may have been kind, but that doesn’t mean you deserve no credit for the work you’ve put in and the determination you’ve had to make this a reality. You came all the way to Seoul to pursue your dream; that takes a hefty amount of courage and a certain confidence. And you have the skill. You’ve connected with people. The reviews on your first album have been glowing. People enjoy your work, and like you for the way you’ve presented yourself. Of course, they’ll never know the full you, not the real real Kim Hongjoong. But the heart you’ve put into your work hasn’t gone unnoticed. And that is something noteworthy.”

Hongjoong stared at him, then glanced over at Yunho. Yunho, full of zeal in his inebriated state, pointed to the vinyl, then pointed at Hongjoong and mouthed you fucking did it.

Hongjoong laughed despite himself, and took a deep breath in.

Yeosang, with a smile on his face, shook his head at Yunho’s antics before looking back at Hongjoong. “Give yourself a bit of credit. Afford yourself the space to be proud of yourself and what you’ve done. Lord knows, we all are.” Hongjoong looked around. He was surrounded by friends. They were all here to celebrate his achievements.

Hongjoong never particularly liked being the centre of attention, he just wanted to do what he was passionate about.

Maybe, just once, he can give himself the time of day.

×-×

An hour had passed, and shockingly, it was Seonghwa who suggested they start playing drinking games.

Sat around a table outside the bar, as they had been since they first arrived two hours prior, they played a few rounds of flick-the-cap. Yunho won twice, San won once and Mingi also won once before they all decided they’d had enough soju to last them a month.

Hongjoong’s mood had picked up, and he was keeling over in laughter at every joke Mingi made.

That was, until, someone caught his eye from a distance.

The second they locked eyes, the stranger glanced back down. He was sitting in front of an easel with a palette in one hand and a paintbrush in the other. He looked to be hard at work. Through the cloudiness of his drunken state, Hongjoong wondered what he could be painting.

Yeosang plucked him and everyone out of their thoughts with an announcement that he was going to get them all a pitcher of water. He’d had the least amount to drink, and one look around the table was enough for him to know that he should get something to sober them all up.

San openly protested this, loudly exclaiming that he hadn’t had that much. Yeosang politely reminded him that not only had he had the most to drink, but that he also had the weakest tolerance. San’s face went bright red, and he folded his arms across his chest. His head was fuzzy with alcohol, so much so his better instinct kicked in. “..Alright,” he muffled under his breath.

Hongjoong for one, welcomed the pitcher of water, and when it arrived he went to gulp down a glass when Seonghwa stopped him.

“Don’t.. drink it all.. down in one..” His voice slurred every syllable. “You need-” He belched, to which the others grimaced. “You need- to- sip it..” He leaned over and brought his hand up to the bottom of Hongjoong’s glass, giggling as Hongjoong took slow, small sips as instructed. “Yeah, see? Baby sips, baby sips.” Seonghwa laughed and took his hand away, then sipped on his own water.

“My God, you are so drunk,” remarked Yunho, equally tipsy.

“Hey! I’m not that drunk, I’m just.. buzzed!” Seonghwa’s head nearly collapsed onto the table and Yunho had to save him. Hongjoong finished sipping his water then put the glass down.

His eyes turned back to the stranger.

The stranger was watching them every so often. There was a smile on his face. He turned back to the easel.

Is.. Is he painting.. us?

Hongjoong was ultimately too curious at this point to leave the question unanswered. He stood up, much to everyone’s discouragement, and told them that he would be back in a few minutes, he just needed to check something.

He stumbled away from the table, past the other people also congregating outside the bar, and towards the edge of the road. It was probably against his better judgement, but he just needed to know if this stranger was painting them.

“Hongjoong!” called a voice from behind him. The stranger’s head snapped up and his face fell in panic.

Hongjoong looked back. Yeosang was standing up straight, beckoning him to come back and not be such an idiot.

“It’s fine! I’m fine!” shouted Hongjoong in response. Yeosang was unconvinced, and set everything aside to join Hongjoong at the curb.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked the instant he was by Hongjoong’s side.

Hongjoong didn’t want to draw any more attention to himself than he already had, so he leaned in close to Yeosang’s ear and whispered, “I think there’s someone across the street painting us.” Yeosang furrowed his eyebrows. He leaned back and looked directly at Hongjoong. “Are you sure?”

Hongjoong nodded fiercely, then turned back to the man on the other side of the street.

The painter, now very flustered and embarrassed, was quickly throwing all of his supplies into his satchel with little care.

“Hey! Wait!” yelled Hongjoong. Talk about not bringing any more attention to yourself.

The man glanced over, then immediately rushed to pack everything away and run. Hongjoong helplessly ran out into the street.

Yeosang let out a yelp at the sight and sound of car horns and vehicles coming to a screeching halt just inches away from the hapless drunk steamrolling across the road. He clutched his chest and took a deep breath in when he realised Hongjoong had somehow made it to the other side in one piece, then turned back to see not only their friends, but the rest of the patrons outside the bar look on in horror. Eventually, the patrons carried on with their conversations. Hongjoong’s friends continued staring.

The painter was seconds away from making a break for it, but was caught by Hongjoong stopping dead in front of him; his long, black hair fell in front of his eyes and his cheeks became a very deep shade of pink.

“Um-” he uttered. The canvas was still precariously leaning against the easel. Hongjoong saw it in his peripheral vision.

His eyes widened. “Holy shit..” he muttered under his breath.

“Uh-” The man eyed the floor in shame. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I- I can-” He tripped over the lump and choked on it. “I can, uh.. I can explain.”

His voice was low and timid. Guilt radiated through every inch of his skin as he held the satchel close to his stomach.

Hongjoong stared at the painting again. Between the drink-induced nature of his curdled brain and the adrenaline in his blood from running what felt like half a marathon, all he could think to say about the painting was, “That’s so fucking good.”

The man glanced over at him. “W-What?”

Hongjoong coughed into his clenched fist then pointed at the canvas. “That. That’s a really good painting.” Hongjoong eyed him. “So you were painting us.”

It was a statement above a question. Less accusatory than expected, but it still made the man look away. “I.. I people-watch and paint,” he shrugged. “It’s what I do.”

The explanation was purposefully vague, owing to Hongjoong’s inebriation, but it was enough at that moment for Hongjoong to say, “Wow. You’re really talented.”

His eyes met Hongjoong’s once more. Ultimately puzzled but nonetheless grateful, he said, “Thanks. Look, I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable by painting you. It was just..” He sighed. “It seemed like a happy occasion. I like to document happy occasions.” Hongjoong’s brain was all over the place. He couldn’t think much about the reason given and instead just said again, “You’re really talented.”

A smile betrayed the man. “Thanks. Again.” He picked up the canvas and set it aside, then disassembled the small easel and tucked it under his free arm.

“Could I have the painting?” blurted Hongjoong. “I think my friends would like to see it.”

His tone of voice wasn’t degrading nor condescending, merely opportunistic. Friendly. The painter wondered if the man were a lot more sober would he be so gracious.

Not wanting to take advantage of such a moment, the man politely declined.

“Um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” He held the canvas in his free hand. “But thank you for being so interested,” he said, earnestly. “And I hope you enjoy the rest of your night. Your friends seem like great people.”

Hongjoong, a little foggy, watched the painter as he walked past him and into the distance. The air surrounding them seemed to grow much quieter, much darker, the further he walked.

As he prepared himself to head back over to the bar, one thing looped in Hongjoong’s mind incessantly.

Your friends seem like great people.

Hongjoong saw his friends across the way, still looking at him blankly like they’d just seen the dramatic climax of an opera.

They are, stranger, Hongjoong thought to himself, they are.

By the time he looked back in the direction that the painter had gone, he had already disappeared.

Hongjoong hummed. He wondered if they’d ever cross paths again.

Hongjoong would find that he’d think about it a lot over the coming days.

If only to see that painting again.

if only to see that painting again a stroke of luck i think about every now and again you said you like to document happy occasions and now you’re a part of my happiest times

The incident had kept Hongjoong up every night since it happened.

In the wake of his sobriety and incredibly dense headache the following morning, he could remember every second of it in what felt like excruciating detail. None of his friends decided to ask him about it out of respect for his dignity; he did almost risk his life for the sake of talking to a painter.

There was no getting away from it. It circled the back of his mind every day.

He just wasn’t expecting to run into the man again exactly a week later.

Hongjoong stopped in the middle of the street. The stranger was sitting on a stool and looking out towards the Han River. Much like that night outside Moutain Top Merlot, he had an easel in front of him, with a canvas secured tightly to the frame.

From afar, Hongjoong watched as the man dipped his brush in water, then in paint, then in water again, before spreading it quite liberally over the canvas. He noticed that it was a faint wash of blue. For the river, Hongjoong thought.

He didn’t want to disturb him in the middle of his work, but Hongjoong was so curious at the same time. He needed to talk to him and ask him about that night. I like to document happy occasions.

If only to see that painting again.

Step by step, Hongjoong gradually made his way over to the painter, who saw Hongjoong in his peripheral vision and paused.

Hongjoong also froze. He wasn’t close enough to make any kind of comment without raising his voice, but he’d been spotted.

Putting the brush down, the man looked over at Hongjoong. “Can I help you?”

His voice was oddly neutral for someone who should probably be weirded out by this. There was also, if Hongjoong wasn’t imagining it, the soft lilt of genuine curiosity in his voice. Nothing mean or standoffish about him at all.

“Um-” Hongjoong took a careful step forward. “I- I’m sorry, I- I didn’t mean to disturb.”

“Nah, it’s alright,” he said, standing up from his stool. His demeanour was as calm as the river they were adjacent to. Hongjoong didn’t know if he should be thankful or freaked out himself. “You’re the guy who ran across the street last Friday, right?”

Hongjoong tried to hold back a fluster at that question. “Yeah.. That was me,” he chuckled nervously.

The man opposite smiled brightly. “I must admit, it was quite scary. I legitimately thought you were gonna get hurt..” He then frowned and swallowed anxiously. “I don’t know if I’d forgiven myself for making you dart across the road like that..”

Hongjoong closed the distance between them some more. “To be honest, I feel like an idiot for doing that. I shouldn’t have been so careless.. But I was also drunk, so..”

“I could tell,” said the man, boldly. He then coughed on his comment and added, “Sorry- It just- You seemed-”

“No, no, it’s okay, it’s fair to point it out.”

The two men smiled at one another. It was strange. Odd. Pleasant, in many ways.

“Wooyoung.” He held out a hand.

Hongjoong stared at it, then looked back up at him. “Wooyoung?” he repeated. Wooyoung nodded. “Hongjoong,” he replied with a grin, shaking his hand.

Wooyoung knitted his brows. He recognised that name. “Ah! Like the singer!” Hongjoong froze solid. Wooyoung dropped his hand and shoved both into his pockets. “I bought his first album the day after it came out ‘cause I heard one of the songs on the radio. It’s so good. Have you heard of him?”

The words got caught in Hongjoong's throat as he stood across from Wooyoung.

Is he talking about me?

“Um-” Hongjoong didn’t mean to stutter. He just had no idea how to respond.

In the seconds before any of them said anything, Hongjoong let the words spin around his head, trying to conceive of any other possibility apart from the one where Wooyoung is indeed talking about him and not some other well-known artist named Hongjoong. Were there any other artists by that name? Hongjoong really had to rack his brains.

“I.. I guess not,” said Wooyoung with a nervous chuckle. Hongjoong became a block of ice. How did he even ask if it was him Wooyoung was referring to? Wooyoung was about to return to his easel when Hongjoong blurted out his name. “..Yeah?”

My face isn’t on the cover art of the album. Hongjoong pondered this for some time.

“You said, um, that you bought the album a few days ago?” Wooyoung nodded. “What does the album cover look like?”

Hongjoong knew it by heart since he had taken the photo for it. It was the view from his bedroom in the apartment he and Seonghwa shared, overlooking the tall skyscrapers of Seoul. If Wooyoung’s description of the cover art matched, it was his album alright.

When Wooyoung described it back to him, the description was identical.

Hongjoong’s jaw dropped.

“..That’s my album,” he uttered shamelessly.

Wooyoung’s head felt like it just grew three sizes.

“I-I’m sorry?” Wooyoung furrowed his brows and took a step closer to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong almost kicked himself for just letting it out like that, but there was no taking it back now. Better to just own it. “That’s my album. I’m Hongjoong.”

The way he said it carried the same level of surprise Wooyoung felt upon hearing this revelation.

“No fucking way..” he muttered under his breath. “No fucking way!” he said again, louder this time. “You’re Hongjoong?” Wooyoung started to fret. He turned this way and that, glancing back and forth between the easel and Hongjoong. He had painted Hongjoong. He had painted Hongjoong. He had painted Hongjoong!

Hongjoong noticed the panic on Wooyoung’s face and closed the distance between them. “Hey, it’s okay! Yes, I’m Hongjoong.” He placed a hand on his chest. “The cover art you described matched the one on the album I released a few days ago: up so high i can’t breathe, but-”

“-i don’t wanna come down,” finished Wooyoung. Hongjoong smiled knowingly. “Holy fuck.” Then his eyes became sceptical. “Wait.. How do I know for a fact you’re really Hongjoong?” He folded his arms.

Hongjoong blinked. “Um- Well-” His mind went blank; he couldn’t think of a way to legitimise his identity.

Then, a lightbulb went off in his head. Wooyoung relaxed his arms.

“Say, have you picked up a copy of Rolling Stone lately?”

×-×

Wooyoung couldn’t believe his eyes.

There he was, standing beside the Hongjoong, and staring at a page of the newest import edition of Rolling Stone. He had a tiny box dedicated to him in the Up-and-Coming Stars section, with a small summary about his first release and a quote from Hongjoong himself about how excited he was to be kickstaring his career. Beside that, a small picture of him holding a copy of his vinyl in the lobby of Kang Arts & Co.

Wooyoung glanced over, his jaw on the ground and his eyes twice the size of his head.

“You really are Hongjoong.” He was practically starstruck.

Hongjoong’s face flushed, and he timidly eyed the ground. “..Yes.”

“I- I can’t believe it.” Wooyoung glanced back at the page. There Hongjoong was, the vinyl nestled in his palms. It reminded Wooyoung of how he would hold his finished paintings. He closed the magazine and placed it back on the shelf, then turned back to Hongjoong. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

“No, don’t apologise, it’s totally fine. I can see why you were sceptical. But, uh- now that we’re here, I guess I should thank you for buying my album and enjoying it so much.”

They turned to leave the shop, standing shoulder to shoulder. Hongjoong was helping Wooyoung carry his supplies around, and had the easel tucked under his arm. It made him think about the painting, and whether he would ever see it again. He needed to admire it in full sobriety.

Wooyoung smiled. “Thank you for releasing it. It’s some of my most favourite music I’ve ever heard.” Hongjoong’s heart spun in his chest. Some of his most favourite? It was completely beyond Hongjoong to even consider it. “It’s so nice to just sit and paint to. It really helps get the creative juices flowing.”

Hongjoong was vibrating with sheer happiness. He’d heard plenty from his friends about how much they enjoyed his music, but to hear from someone else that not only did they enjoy it, it actually helped inspire their creativity? Hongjoong was a damn puddle on the floor. He imagined Wooyoung listening to his album while peacefully painting a new work of art, and it made him feel flustered with elation. So much so, he couldn’t even properly convey it with words. “That makes me so happy to hear. Thank you so much, that’s all I ever wish for when people listen to my music.”

As they left the shop, Wooyoung said, “Your music is really easy to connect to and relate to. It’s.. helped me unpack some of my own feelings of loneliness and not knowing what I want out of the world, or what I want to do in the world. As a painter, I’ve struggled with the realisation I might not be able to make a career out of it. My parents have always told me I should just take up medicine or science, something more substantial, as they put it.” The desolation in his voice made Hongjoong’s stomach churn. It was heavily reminiscent of how he felt over a year ago, how his parents - or more his pa - treated his passion for music. He remembered the conversation he had with his father some time ago, and how much it felt like the tides were finally turning.

He frowned. He found himself wanting the same for Wooyoung.

“Well.. I’m so thankful that you’ve found something to relate to in my music. Trust me when I say that I’ve been there before myself.” Wooyoung looked over at him. “I know exactly how you feel. It’s definitely hard to carry on pursuing your passion when the whole world is against you. But you shouldn’t give up on it. For your sake more than anything.”

Wooyoung gave a faint smile, then turned his eyes back to the ground. He kicked his feet across the pavement and sighed. “Thank you. I’ll definitely keep it in mind.”

Hongjoong then thought of the painting again, and smiled. He wanted to talk to Wooyoung about it, perhaps get some insight on what inspired him to paint their celebration from across the street. Selfishly, he wanted to see the painting again, but that took a backseat for the time being. I like to document happy occasions.

“Hey..” Wooyoung glanced up. “The painting you did of my friends and I last week.” Wooyoung’s cheeks warmed up. He turned away in embarrassment. “I would really like to see it.”

That threw Wooyoung for a loop.

“W-Wait, really?”

“Mhm. I’d love to know what inspired you to paint it. I know you said you like to document happy occasions, but I want to see the painting again. I want to know how you put it together and why you chose to paint it as you did..” Hongjoong recognised he might be getting too far ahead of himself in his proposition and reined it in a bit. “..If you don’t mind.”

Wooyoung beamed, and it was as though the heavens had opened. “I would love to.”

×-×

The minute Hongjoong stepped into Wooyoung’s apartment, his jaw fell to the ground and his eyes sparkled.

 “Holy shit..” he mumbled to himself, but Wooyoung managed to catch it, and a whisper of a smile reached his lips.

“Welcome to the abode,” he announced, shutting the front door once Hongjoong entered. “You probably won’t be surprised to find that most of the apartment is filled with supplies. I literally live in one corner and everything else is just.. art,” he chuckled.

Hongjoong couldn’t answer, he was fascinated by everything; he wanted to ask so many questions about each and every painting he saw.

But, that would have to wait. He knew exactly what he came here for, and he was itching to see it again.

Wooyoung led him through the mess of his apartment. Paint pots, palettes, blank canvases and torn bits of newspaper were strewn about the place, the true mark of a creative. Hongjoong likened it to the bits of paper that were scattered across the table in the café where he and Mingi spent hours writing songs. Or his own desk.

Once Wooyoung reached one particular room, he stopped in the doorway and said, “Ah! Here we go.”

Hongjoong trailed behind him, and he realised once he followed Wooyoung into the room that this was supposed to be the lounge. Instead, it had been flipped upside down and turned into a makeshift art studio.

“Mind yourself, there’s lots of shit on the floor I have yet to clear up.”

Hongjoong paid it no mind whatsoever, he liked the fact that it wasn’t so neat and tidy.

Wooyoung made his way over to the other side of the room, and dug around for a few seconds until he found what he was looking for. “Ah- here we are!” He pulled out the canvas and brought it over to an easel that was permanently set up in the corner of the room. Securing it in place, he turned to Hongjoong and said, “Without further ado.. The Happiest Times.”

Wooyoung stood to the side, revealing the artwork behind him.

Hongjoong was floored.

“Oh my God!” His hands flew to his mouth and he leaned in to take a closer look. “Holy shit, this is- This is fantastic!”

Wooyoung cleared his throat. “The Happiest Times: a watercolour painting, filled with washes of mainly warm colours, reds, oranges, yellows, as well as some blues and some greens. The painting focuses on the delight of a group of young men, perhaps in their early 20s, sharing in the joy of a celebratory event or an accomplishment. The setting is a popular jazz bar in downtown Seoul, and the event takes place at night, as shown by the navy of the sky and the blur of streetlights. There is laughter, and joy radiates through the canvas, as the men depicted are clearly elated with whatever or whoever they are celebrating. The wash of colour surrounds this focal point like a vignette, where the men and their happiness take centre stage.” Hongjoong reflexively looked over as Wooyoung finished his explanation. He smiled wholeheartedly at the commitment to illustrating this occasion, and it only widened when Wooyoung added an extra bit of information to his speech. “Much like the singer at the centre of it all.”

Hongjoong straightened his back and applauded. Wooyoung bowed his head, his hands behind his back.

“My God. Fantastic. This is absolutely incredible. I adore this,” said Hongjoong, sincerely.

Wooyoung shrugged a little. “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing?” Hongjoong uttered in complete shock. “This is amazing. Your work needs to be put in galleries, I swear.”

Wooyoung swallowed the lump in his throat. “..Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.”

Hongjoong scoffed. “Please, I’m just a guy from Anyang who likes to write music.”

“Music that captivated me.”

Hongjoong stilled. He glanced back at the painting again.

With fresh eyes, he noticed every detail. Upon an even closer inspection, Hongjoong could make out every single feature on his own face. He had been depicted so brilliantly, so truthfully from such a great distance that it left Hongjoong floored.

Turning back to Wooyoung, “And I say: your work has definitely captivated me.”

Wooyoung froze, then smiled. “Thank you. So much.”

An idea popped into Hongjoong’s mind, and it made his smile grow twice the size. “Hey, when it comes time for me to release a new album.. would you be interested in painting the cover art for it?”

Wooyoung could have fallen through the floor. He was so stunned he could hardly think for a second.

“You’re- You’re serious, like- no- like- you actually- wait a second-”

Hongjoong laughed. “I’ll let you think about it, of course.”

Wooyoung covered his mouth with one hand. “I just- That- That would be amazing, I-”

Hongjoong’s laughter died down to a grin. “And.. If it’s okay with you, I’d really like to show my friends your painting.”

This time, Wooyoung was more than happy to accept.

“Absolutely. The painting’s yours.”

The two men smiled at one another.

Wooyoung wished he could document this happy occasion.

a part of every little vignette you flooded every corner of the page i thank you for the way you knew how to capture everything that was true

taglist: @bikerjongho × @viviixlyy

× silverdune (ave). do not repost. ×

[honestlyvan]

id be really interested to see you talk about the dynamic btwn Haseo and Ovan + how it changes over time, love ur dothack thoughts so far

(Now on DW!)

I had to take a vigorous walk around the block and a shower before I could sit down to write this, lmao.

God, nonny, they are So Much. An unbelievable amount, even.

To step back from the mythical framing for a little bit and to just look at them as people, one of the things that makes me bark like a dog the worst is how all of the Epitaph are all circling and struggling with the similar kinds of of identity issues -- presumably being the reason the Epitaphs attached themselves to them, there's no room in the mind of people who are too secure in who they are to carry the duties of a Phase with them.

Each of the Epitaphs represent the temptation to fall into a variety of self-protective but futile failure modes that let you define yourself on your own terms but ultimately limit growth, and while I have thoughts about all of the Epitaph users and how they interact with each other, I definitely think Haseo and Ovan get the version of it that is the most brutal in its compatibility.

For Haseo, Skeith represents a temptation to do as thou wilst, to eschew a communal and social identity in favour of only exclusively defining himself -- which is, incidentally, how Ovan comes across initially. You could not find a guy who moves through the world with more assurance and less need to explain himself. Ovan appears to have a kind of singularity of identity that nobody else can get a word in edgewise -- and Haseo, who spends a lot of time feeling off and unsure and wordlessly anxious about having lost sight of who he is, that's like the holy grail.

Of course, the reason Ovan is so singular in his identity is because his sense of self is practically transparent and he exists almost exclusively as the life-support system for a machine that makes Aina happy. From the start, there's no way for Ovan to recognise Haseo the way he wants to be recognised because Ovan barely knows who he is, let alone what Haseo sees in him that is so admirable because Ovan is just reflecting back the thing Haseo wants to see in himself.

Because in contrast to the fundamental mistake in Haseo's thinking, Ovan is very clear-eyed about what Haseo is like. That's one of the core paradoxes of his character, he's very good at reading other people and completely oblivious to how they read him back. He's great at anticipating and manipulating people's behaviour, but is critically disconnected about how he should feel about the way other people feel about him. Haseo needs to see him as something to chase and grow into? Okay, if that's what he needs to be, it's as simple as that. The terms of their relationship are set forever now.

So, in a way, as much as Ovan's plan relies on Haseo growing as a person, as much as he frames it in those terms, what he actually needs is for Haseo to stay exactly the same. Stay exactly on the terms that Ovan needs him to stay on for his plan to succeed. Ovan can never let Haseo reach him because that would change the terms of their relationship, and make him truly unmanageable.

Which, really, is just how Ovan deals with everything in his life. He keeps it all at a distance, because he doesn't really have a sense of self to let people close to, except in the sense that he knows everything that has happened to cause this situation has been done by him, and that the only way to set it right is to find a way to cross himself out again. And if he has to let Haseo catch up to him, it's explicitly so Haseo can be his executioner, and help him rectify the mistake of existing in the world in the first place. Corbenik, the meaning of life and death, can only exist in the void.

And tbh, if Ovan's plans had actually worked out on the timetable he intended them to work out on, I think Haseo may have been fulfilled by that. From the start, he sees himself as the aspirant to Ovan's paragon, wants to reach him through his own effort, to exist in the world the same way he thinks Ovan does.

However, the rest of Haseo's arc is learning that none of us exist in the world alone. That we are defined by the experiences we have with other people. If he reaches Ovan and Ovan is no longer there, what does it still matter to have reached him?

[ravenquingvax]

i really hate trying to google things related to my intrusive thoughts but i want to try and understand why i think the things i think, but a lot of the time the results i get are unrelated or i get helplines suggested or i end up being triggered by something

it fucking sucks man

i dont want these thoughts, i dont want to deal with this - im very good at stopping myself from following through and at talking myself down when they get bad, i can recognise when they're getting too much for me and have ways to calm down without help

i just want answers as to why its happening so i can better prepare myself for when it happens and adjust my methods for safely resolving my intrusive thoughts in a more productive manner

i just want to know if my occasional sudden urge to drink is just my intrusive thoughts or if its something more, you know???

i have a family history of alcoholism and almost fell deep into a steady pattern of alcohol abuse myself when i was in college before i realised what i was doing and immediately stopped myself before it became a proper problem

are these urges to drink a symptom of a more serious underlying problem or is it just my brain being a piece of shit to me for no fucking reason

i know intrusive thoughts and alcoholism can go hand in hand, my main concern is am I handling these thoughgs correctly or am i setting myself up for hell down the road?

i haven't drank in months, last i drank was cider at Christmas and i had maybe 2 small cans and that was after having nothing for a whole year

and when i did drink in college it wasn't like i was binge drinking, i had a small sip of whisky maybe twice a day whenever i had to go into college and only on those days

that was more than enough as it was, honestly - it can start with just one sip to manage a headache, then its 2 then its 5 then you lose count

the moment i realised i was starting to try and justify drinking when it really couldn't be justified, and that i was falling into a pattern of harmful behaviour that would only worsen if i continued to ignore it, i immediately got rid of the last of my whisky and have never touched a drop since

i know not everyone can do that, I was incredibly lucky that i realised what i was doing before i couldn't stop myself

but now im worried that i had already done irreparable damage by that point

had i? or is it just my intrusive thoughts making me feel like i need alcohol so everything will be okay?? this bothers me a lot

i wont drink, i can't really rn anyway with the current state of my diabetes, but the urges are getting more and more frequent it feels like

and i am so fucking tired

anything that helps me shut up the urges would help a lot, even if it's just knowledge of what is causing them to start with

if i know what the problem is i can work on a solution

problem is, i dont know what the fucking problem is

the stress this causes does not help suppress the intrusive thoughts, as you can probably imagine, and only makes drinking sound all the more appealing.... the fucking joys

for the record, i am safe and sound tonight im just angry

angry and tired and angry at being tired and tired of being angry and maybe im also feeling a little bit robbed

but I'll be okay, just needed to voice this Bullshit somewhere

the ravens know i cant say any of this to my family lmao

fr tho, any info or advice is appreciated guys 💕

[iloveolderman0]

Wow. This is the same anon who requested yan!Sweet Tooth. To be honest, I didn’t expect my request to be responded to SO quickly lmao. I want to give you a little idea.

How about taking the original concept of Twisted Metal, yandere and a bit of Mad Max (without the slasher house) and making a uh… bloody mess? Hah okay, look, here is a reader (choose your gender yourself, I don’t care) and Sweets, who has devoted his entire new life to searching for a reader and finds her (no matter where in the races, a vacant lot or something else), and then the confrontation begins? Guns, battle and finally he grabs her, and then you can figure it out yourself, whether there will be hardcore, torture, etc. or puppy tenderness lmao.

In general, I gave the idea, take it if you want, but do it your way. Contact me, if you need more, I’ll give you more ideas

Oh my gosh!!! I love mad max and I think I have a lot to plan for this one 😏 I actually want to probably make the read like who’s has a couple of mates in this story to make it interesting if you know what I mean 😋

Anyways!

Thank you for sending in your request! If you have anymore ideas or questions just send them through!

Theme : Madmax x Twisted metal

( it sounds so cool not gonna lie )

Twisted metal Yandere!Sweet tooth x Fem! Reader

Pronouns : She / Her

!Warnings ! : Fighting, blood, mentions of glore, Yandere behaviour, Explosions and more!

- Y/N and her mates were well know since she has been through fights and wars between groups of other well known people

- She was a complete badass with her mates and no one stood a chance with them

- Until Y/N’s mates and herself decided to have a break and talk while sitting down outside their cars

- They heard a car noise in the distance so they all got in their cars and loaded the guns on their vehicles and everything

- Y/N was to busy on fixing this one problem in her car and she heard the car stop and she looked up and saw a clown

- Her mates and herself started to back up while the clown car started to move slowly and it brought out a gun from. Aside of the vehicle and it started loading

- Y/N looked at her mates to see if they were all right, they were and they were discussing on how to get this Killer clown down until…

- The friend she was talking to was shot in the head… Her blood everywhere and some got on you due to her head was fully gone

- you were in shocked and you quickly looked at all of your friends and they panicked just as you were

- They started to shoot at him and he of course shot back but he never shot her though?…

- While the red dust was coming at them she had a plan so she climbed throughout her window onto the top of her car and tried to jump and made on top of his car

- her car was still shooting at his and she looked down at her f/n car and she watched it explode into little pieces and she was still alive but was brutally crushed by his car.

- you had tears going down your face due to seeing your two friends dying in front of you

- you looked over for the other one and they stopped their car and so did The clown

- You watched on what was happening and you were gonna bring out your gun but you left it in your car which stopped due to dust getting into your engine

- You were made at yourself because you didn’t have anything to defend yourself with or to save your friend

- you watched while tears rolled down your face

- Your last friend… F/n.. Brutally beaten and tortured, You couldn’t even recognise her face anymore…

- You quickly got off his truck since your plan didn’t work and you decide to run back to your car to get your guns and knifes

- Until you were pulled from behind By sweet tooth..

- You Yelled at him to get him off of you and you started kicking, screaming and punching to get out of this man’s grip

- It was no use though, he was stronger and more powerful…. You didn’t want to die…

- You had tears rolled down your face while you started to feel weak and limped

- he watched you settle down for a bit while you cried in his arms, He just smiled underneath his mask because he finally has you.. He finally gets to keep you.

- he brings you back to his big truck while we’re screaming and all tired.

- once he put you in the back and closed the door behind him, he grabbed a hold of your face while smear your friends blood on you too. He lifts up his mask and kisses your forehead and pulls it back die while you were sitting there

- in disgust and sadness, just have grief washed all over you since you didn’t have the time to mourn your friends death

- He talks to you and made sure that he didn’t hit you with any of his bullets which he didn’t, you were still confused on why he didn’t kill you

- You asked him in a cold tone, And he just replies all happy saying that he found his true love and he needs a goddess by his side and you were the one

- You told him, that he didn’t even know you…. Until he said “ Yes I do.. I have seen you everywhere and I have photos and maps on where you went and where you were. “

- When he showed you, you were shocked and confused and you just wanted to get out until when you were going to stand up and make a flee he grabbed you again and put you in the passenger seat and he put a chain around your ankle.

- You just wanted to see your friends again, but they died brutally in the hands of this clown

- All of the races you have done with them and fights were just nothing, you looked out of the window and all of their car was being filled with sand and dusk from the wind

- Your car was gone since sweet tooth started the car and ran over it

- While he drives he was so happy still smiling underneath his mask while his hand was on your thigh… ( which you did try to remove but couldn’t due to his grip)

- you were stuck with him for the past few years, months, weeks, days..

- He never hurt you though he did give you punishments if you ever tried escaping

- But although he did treat you like a princess and he would always be puppy tender to you, treating you gently and softly, but with anyone else he will be a big dickhead or a bully too them..

- One day he hopes you will fall in love with him forever… 🥰

Thank you so much for requesting! I loved this and If you haven’t watched mad max, go and watch it! It’s really good!

[gojonanami]

lmaooo I’m starting to feel bad for prof geto — also it’s funny because there was so many people who were just doubled down on prof geto and now everyone is like yuta 💕🥹 which I’m glad for!! lmao you make fair points — I mean the point is for it to be a mistake! But it’s also understandable to try something even if it doesn’t ultimately work out — because you really don’t know until you try. he also has a lot more work because the last dept head fucked things up but honestly poor yuta is caught in the crossfire of this situation — he will have his own happy ending though 🥹💕

Look, I want to defend Professor Geto.

I think Professor Geto's actions make sense. They do. And I think this chapter prevents Professor Geto from turning into a Gary Stu.

It's hard to maintain a long-term relationship, and it is not the same as having a relationship in person. It is not. Having a video call with someone over dinner is not the same thing as seeing them in person. There is a reason why the people you're closest to physically and geographically end up being your closest friends. For instance, one of my friends from school who I was not that close to but still friends with ended up becoming one of my best friends because we attended the same university. And another friend of mine I now barely talk to because we live continents and time zones away and because the rhythms of our lives are so different and we are now out of sync. It didn't happen because I didn't want to be friends with her, but simply because ten to fifteen minute calls could never equate to meeting up with someone in person every day and sending hours talking to them or just being in their presence. I am getting off track now, I know, but the point still stands: given that long-term relationships are not the same thing as having a relationship in person, and given that you love that person and want them to experience the maximum amount of happiness possible, if it comes at the cost of your own unhappiness, does that not make sense?

Yuta is a new character that we don't have an established relationship with. Fine, he is nice, I will concede. And he is nice to her. But to play the devil's advocate, he seizes upon the opportunity of her having a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend. He pays attention to her phone calls, subtly presses her about her boyfriend, and positions himself in her life in such a way as to function as a quasi-replacement for her boyfriend. For her birthday, he does not offer to throw her a birthday party with the Student Committee or ask her about her family or her friends. Instead, he wants her to spend the day with him and with him only, and while that is not strictly stated, such a reading can still be read into and made (I don't have the time to isolate sections of the text currently).

Coming back to Professor Geto, though. Professor Geto is young, smart, accomplished, and handsome, with phenomenal career growth. Despite his young age, he is successful. He is influential. He has published countless articles and books, given lectures, travelled to conferences and other universities, and functioned as a poster boy for both the university he was employed at and for the field of ethics at large, which is in desperate need of such poster boys to attract interest and even students. While it is not explicitly stated (perhaps for reasons of my selfishness), I am assuming that he works at a very, very good university, too. He is a fantastic man! A Prince Charming embodied and reinvented for our age and for the female gaze. Now, for such a character to exist, he has to have at least some flaws, no? And procrastination is believable. Look, I am using the term procrastination because, in his behaviour, I can recognise a pattern that is manifest in me and some of the people around me. Social relationships are tough to maintain sometimes, even with the people you love more than anything, and work is often all-consuming (especially for someone like Professor Geto). Sometimes, stress eats away at you and worms into your mind, and you feel an urge to delay, procrastinate, focus on something else, stare, and debate, and this just causes more and more time to pass. Once a specific socially accepted passage of time for replying has passed, you almost feel like you can't send a message at that point, as you've been an utter imbecile for failing to do so beforehand. And if you're working in the field of ethics, it may bring with it a certain sense of indecisiveness (or, perhaps, it attracts personalities who tend to overthink – a double-edged sword of sorts). What is the best outcome in a situation that does not favour you? What do you owe to yourself and to others? Is what you owe yourself more important than what you owe others? What does it mean to have a happy life? Is having a successful career more rewarding than having a successful relationship? Is it fair to calculate the chance that if one is an attractive character with an amiable character, they will be able to find a sustaining relationship for them later down the line, while in the world of work, age does play a part and employers spend time looking at employment history and any potential gaps? Adding to that, is there a point in snatching career opportunities, and should they come at the cost of personal happiness? And speaking from personal experience, sometimes, it feels like delaying, and not sleeping to the point of utter exhaustion will alleviate the situation as it reduces you to a state of numbness. If you're a perfectionist, too, crafting the perfect response or apology can be a horribly difficult task, and while I am lucky that my sister entertains my twenty messages of 'Does this email sound okay?' Not everyone has that, and unfortunately, as you age, due to social perceptions/constructions/deviations in schedules/etc., you find yourself having less and less people to whom you can write fifty messages regarding a situation like 'Did I misunderstand this message?' or 'If she just replied using an emoji, does that mean that she doesn't like me as much as a friend anymore?'

I think the way Professor Geto acted makes sense. Just because he thought that he was behaving according to a mindset wherein he prioritised the future and the minimisation of pain for his partner does not necessarily equate to him being a bad partner.

And the infatuation with Yuta is, in part, due to: 1) recency bias; 2) the fact that we haven't seen as much of his character, psychology, or weaknesses (which is fine; he's a side character; not every character in a series, novel, or whatever will get the same treatment); and 3) his presentation and manifestation of the self in the world in which he manufactures an image of himself that is favourable in part to curry favour with the woman he is attracted to.

I would just like to add that I do not think that Yuta is a 'bad guy'. I just think that his character can be read in more complex ways, as can Professor Geto's.

I firmly believe that with the way in which this series is unfolding, an ending wherein Professor Geto gets back together with his girl narratively makes sense.

Also, other points to consider are: 1) She sought out Yuta's presence as a replacement for Professor Geto, and in her mind, considering the connection and sheer attraction that she harbours for Professor Geto, Yuta will inevitably be compared to Professor Geto in almost every way; 2) Relationships manifest in different ways, and in the case of our protagonist, in my reading of her, for her, it is not just the spiritual, soulmate-like, friendship-level connection that is important, but also the element of intense attraction, too. She did not feel that with Yuta. She did not feel this overwhelming, intense, possessing, all-consuming, delightful, and powerful connection, attraction, and pull towards Yuta. Rather, it was a feeling of comfort and, in some sense, convenience, a recognition of him harbouring affections towards her and that being a convenient outlet for distracting herself from her lingering (and still very powerful) feelings for Professor Geto. As a reference, I would like to draw attention to the beginning of the chapter, when she is trying to find a way of occupying herself by joining the Student Union; her entering a relationship with Yuta could be considered in a similar light.

Overall, then, I would like to strongly emphasise that there is a strong case to be made for the overseeing of narrative progression in such a way that it guarantees Professor Geto reuniting with his girl.

okay this is amazing and I have no notes 💯

I really did have this chapter to prevent prof geto from becoming too perfect — he needs to make mistakes and he needs to have flaws, otherwise he’s just too good and no one is like that.

yuta truly does have reader’s best interests at heart — but is he taking advantage? A little bit — he is putting himself there in a position where he and reader could be taken advantage of by the other. but we’ll see that all unfold in part five.

narratively, it is correct that reader and prof geto end up together and they are supposed to!! that’s the point. this is a period for them to realize what their lives are like without the other after experiencing what is it like to be together 🥹💕

[abigail]

nooooo I’m so scared of my postman actually. like.. ok someone tell me if I’m being insane or if you’d be a bit freaked out too

ok so.. I moved into my new place in late spring time and since living there I’ve had a few different posties but recently this past like.. idk month or two I’ve mainly just had this one guy, I’d say he’s around 40-50 y/o.. at first he was just idk. normal lol ?? like didn’t say much just got on with his job etc. after a few times he’d start just.. commenting on stuff I guess ? like I’d answer the door in my pyjamas and he’d be like ‘oh hehe sorry for waking you up’ and idk.. ur a post man surely you’re greeted at the door of lots of people in pyjamas ??? (especially because it was like 8am on a saturday idk anyway). he then started saying my name a lot which.. he obviously knows from my mail, but he’d say ‘abi’ and I never get post with my nickname delivered so he just decided himself to use my nickname (which I find odd because.. personally I don’t really use a nickname for someone unless they tell me it’s their name or I hear other people using it or obvs if we’re close etc but maybe that’s just me !!)

then the other week I answered the door and he.. paused to hand over my mail.. to tell me he saw me by the charity shop in the main area of the town I live, I just said oh yeah they have good stuff sometimes and he just then asked if I work there ??? I said no … so he asked if I work around there.. I said no I work ‘in the city’ (the town I live in is like wedged in between two cities and I didn’t specify which one) and he just quietly repeated ‘in the city’ back to himself while handing me my mail ???? I told this to my friends and they agreed it was weird behaviour btw

so anyway.. with it being this time of year I’ve ordered more stuff online than usual because I’ve been buying christmas gifts and I’ve had a few friends mail me gifts for me so I’ve had to answer the door to him more frequently and idk each time he has something to say … like recently he said “oh that one looks interesting what’s in that” with a little smirky face and I’m like oh .. uh.. it’s a gift ????? like.. idk it’s just a bit weird considering the previous stuff ??? or is it just me ???

but yeah what caused me to write this is what just happened.. I’m waiting at the bus stop into the city and I see the post van drive past but then slow down.. it takes me a second to think oh shit is it him so I awkwardly turn to look away and then the van reverses back to the stop even slower until the window is in line with where I’m stood so I have no choice but to notice.. he shouts ‘abi’ and then asks what I want to do with this parcel he’s got in the back.. I’m like ??? uh.. my partner is home rn until midday or something ????? because well.. they are. and like he must know I have a partner because he would’ve seen their name on the mail he delivers and he probably has had my partner answer the door to him a few times too so idk why wouldn’t he think that like ???? and for him to recognise me while I’m at the bus stop and stuff ????? idk man it made me feel so yucky !!! anyway he asks then if I’m heading to work … I say yeah (so now he knows which city I work in ough) and he’s like hmm. ok see you soon and then does a full u turn to where I live .. I assume to deliver my mail but like.. surely he’s got a route he’s meant to follow like he was originally going in the opposite direction ???

yeah idk.. I might just be overthinking it like he’s probably harmless he just seems like some guy but considering it all and it’s the fact he obviously knows where I live because he’s my postie just makes me feel so…. idk. it creeps me out tbh like the vibes are off lmao

edit to add - also consider the fact the area I live in isn’t tiny like.. it’s not a city or whatever but there’s lots of houses and sure he’ll only be doing mail for one section of the town (I assume) but stillll he’ll be seeing so many people daily why is he always recognising me like. I’m not even wearing an outfit that makes me stand out today how did he instantly spot me.. ALSO the second I posted this I got an email saying my parcel was delivered so yeah he literally did do a u turn to my house to deliver my mail rather than do his normal route uhuhhhhhhhh…….. like thanks but ??? why am I getting special treatment lol

[chanstopher]

(for some reason I can ask via my fan account(

But I just want to say I feel you with the stay and KPop fandom comments. I see so many taking it too far and can't seem to recognise that they are creating parasocial relationships in their heads and narrative around situations they had a 2% outsider view of what's happened - and yet they act like they are coming from facts and reading the minds of others. I find it baffling.

I'm a LOT older, but it's always been nice connecting to those from different age groups via fandoms before. However, KPop ones really push me away from engaging. I try and recall back to my younger days with being in fandoms of pop groups and whilst there may have been issues between people from time to time, I don't recall anything to the level I see in Kpop where people get lynched and fans seemed to have had a firm grasp of reality and their place in terms of being a fan and crossing a celebrities boundaries. I don't think KPop stan's behaviour to be new, but in the age of social media and information being so easily accessible, it seems to have amplified certain types of behaviours and attitudes or, probably more likely, groomed and encouraged certain fan attitudes. I dunno.

someday tumblr will work fully. idk if its a sideblog or just tumblr being insane lol

I do feel like in the 2010"s it was a lot easier to find a corner of any fandom you could just be happy in, but with how many (negative) opinions ppl project constantly now its a lot harder, and then we all get sad about lack of engagement without thinking that maybe its the vobes we give off. like if ur rude or closed off or wont take someone elses opinion ppl are going to be afraid to engage and its sad. when i have a 1d blog i had maybe 4k followers at its peak and i would have dozens of asks a day because ppl were so engaged with everything all the time. now if someone dislikes a song they get death threats lmao. i think its why i make sure to answer asks and talk to anyone who tries to talk to me, i dont want ppl to have such a sad fandom experience. I remember being so excited when big accounts talked to me and were kind and helpful that i always felt like it was part of the experience. like the bigger my blog is the more i feel responsible for being accessible and welcoming because i want that so much for other ppl. i just dont get the amount of hostility and bitchiness that comes alnog with social media now. not that i dont get pissed off or dislike things or even ppl, i just try not to focus on it beyond the necessity (like ppl stealing content or stories)

i will say i find it to be such a weird thing that when i was a teen liking 1d i was so excited they had adult fans (as long as it wasnt weird ppl iykyk) but now a 15 year old will be like you who are the same age as that idol how weird for you to like them?! and im like...... what? i hated ppl thinking the things i liked were a teen or childhood phase when i was young and now ppl get so aggressive about it in the opposite way i get so confused lol in the end im just happy to have my happy little corner where i can ignore all of the weird ass behavior the rest of the internet seems so happy to engage in lol

[crinkled-emotions]

OK ok ok ok I'm TRYING to remain calm over the puppy (lol not working)

It can me a prompt idea. I don't know if you're taking on requests still.....

Bradley's childhood dog that Mav had kept over the years passes away a couple of months after the mission and him and Mav making up so B did get some time with him. (Yeah the dog was a very good healthy boy that lived to about 20😅) And then I'm thinking maybe Hangster vibes, Jake buys him this puppy to cheer him up 😭😭🥰🥰

Quick little one while I work on the Slider fic from March (I know, I'm crying about it too, I am in the process of getting some shit sorted and I kept getting writer's block)

Funny story, my childhood dog was a mutt and he actually lived until he was seventeen. He survived being lost in Melbourne, a fight with a bulldog (which he actually won?) and being run over by a tractor. His name was Jack and I miss him sm but now I have Boss who is the biggest shithead ever (see: video of him yowling and then getting zoomies)

Brisket is... potentially the cutest puppy I've ever seen (I'm only saying that because I didn't know my dog until he was 6 months old lmao, I may continue to be biased) and I feel like he matches the shithead energy (affectionate) Glen has deep down... anyway! On to the fic!

CW: the passing of a beloved pet

-

"Holy shit, Jet's still here?!"

Bradley dumped his duffel bag on the floor and barrelled over to the dog asleep on Maverick's kitchen floor, gently kneeling and extending his hand first just in case the dog didn't recognise him. Instead of getting a growl or maybe even a head lift, the dog lazily thumped his tail and stretched out.

"Jet is nearly sixteen, his hearing is pretty much gone and before I left he walked into my leg."

Maverick's own luggage hit the floor and he made his way over, pressing a kiss to Rooster's hair and then heading for the kitchen. Jet's ears pricked up and he was gone in seconds, trotting off to follow Maverick in hopes of some kitchen scraps. Rooster trailed after him, taking a seat at the island and accepting the cheese sandwich passed to him. He pretended not to see the spare piece "dropped" to the floor where Jet was sitting at his godfather's feet.

"I didn't think he was still alive," Bradley murmured between bites of sandwich. Maverick hummed, reaching down to give the older dog a pat.

"Well, I'd say he knew you'd come home when you were ready, and he wanted to see that."

Maverick then glanced up at Rooster, and rounded the corner to hug him.

"Glad you're home, kid," he murmured.

"Thanks for letting me back in, Mav."

-

As per usual, Jake was wearing his usual shit-eating grin when Bradley got home, sitting on their couch with a book, the football on in the background and a beer in his lap. Peak Seresin behaviour.

"Hey, baby. How was Mav?"

"Uh, good, my dog from right before I left is still alive."

"Jet?"

Jake tossed the book to the coffee table, carefully putting his beer down to extend his arms to his boyfriend. They kissed and then Bradley flopped down beside him, taking the beer for himself.

"Yeah, did I ever tell you the story of Jet?"

"Getting childhood stories from you is like pulling teeth, Roos," Jake replied. That got him a glare, followed by an eye roll and then Bradley leaned into his side.

"So, my mom, she died when I was fifteen, right? And I wasn't coping all that hot. Mav was getting called away on deployments because he can't follow the rules and I think he worried that me staying with Ice all the time was displacing... so one night he comes home after work with this puppy. It pissed everywhere and I'm pretty sure he chewed at least three pairs of Mav's boots, but Jet was what I needed when talking to people or even thinking of going to a therapist would be enough to send me into a panic attack."

"I didn't know you were that anxious," Jake murmured, reaching over to push his fingers through Bradley's curls.

"I'm not; it was the grief and I was constantly moving between Mav's, Ice's, even Penny's, once, when Mav and Ice were in the shit together."

"I can't even imagine- wait... the Ice? As in Iceman?"

"Yes, Jake. Keep up, babe."

-

Sitting in Maverick's kitchen, there was silence. Jake, Bradley and Maverick were all in various positions, but Jake had a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder and Maverick was waiting for what he was thinking was going to be another fight.

"Was it quick?" Bradley asked quietly. Maverick nodded, eyes on the floor. Despite knowing he wasn't in trouble, the worst feeling in the world was Bradley being upset with him and Bradley was giving off those vibes.

"He went in his sleep, the vet said. It was age, he wasn't in pain."

"I need him," Bradley murmured. Jake rubbed between his shoulders, sighing as he turned to Maverick.

"Have you already buried him?"

"I was waiting for you two to get here."

Jet was gone. After sixteen years, he was gone. Bradley was staring at the island counter, brows furrowed, and he finally glanced up at Mav.

"Let's just do it now, what's another one to bury?"

"Roo-"

"-Bradley-"

He held up a hand, effectively stopping his boyfriend and godfather.

"No, let's just do it."

-

It had been a couple of months, and whilst he'd given Bradley some time to grieve, Jake was getting the itch to get him a little surprise... no, not the sexy surprise, hEY- get your head out of the gutter! Before Bradley found out Jet was still alive they'd been talking about getting a pet once they'd moved in together properly. Jake had been more or less living at Bradley's for almost a year, so when his lease came up for renewal he didn't hesitate to cancel it at Bradley's insistence that he move in for real. Jake was surprised at how much Jet's passing had affected his boyfriend, but he understood the underhanded grieving of his mother all over again that was associated with the pet. He didn't want to overstep, but- well. It just so happened a local shelter was having an adoption drive over the weekend while Bradley went to an event with Maverick for TOPGUN. Perfect timing, if you ask him.

"B, you home?"

"Here."

Bradley waved from the desk in the living area, huffing at the computer in front of him. He was working through some documents by the look on his face, and Jake cleared his throat as he knelt on the ground to put the item in his arms down.

"I, uh, went to the store."

"What, did you forget cheese again? You know how I feel about cheese."

"Yeah, I also know how your stomach feels about cheese. Admit you're lactose intolerant already."

Bradley closed the laptop and wheeled around before Jake was even slightly ready and immediately his eyebrows shot up.

"The store, huh?"

"I never said which store," Jake grinned. He glanced up at Bradley, sending him a cautious smile.

"This little guy doesn't have a name, and he's not to replace Jet, but I felt like the house had been a little too quiet lately- oof! Oh, okay, this is nice. Hey, can you hug the puppy too? I think he'd like that."

Bradley pulled away from Jake's shoulder to give him a kiss, and then knelt by the tiny puppy yapping at their feet.

"Hey, hey, shhhhhh..."

The dog darted around his feet before Bradley carefully caught him and lifted him to his chest, grimacing at the wet licks on his neck.

"The first time Mav ever picked up Jet, the dog pissed all down his shirt," he murmured, laughing to himself. Jake snorted, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.

"Do you want to give him a name?"

"What do you think?"

"Well, you named Jet after your love for the air, so..."

Jake beamed.

"Oh, I think I know the perfect name."

-

"Oh my god, look at you! Hi Roo- gimme the puppy, holy shit!"

Phoenix darted around Rooster's offer of a hug when he opened the door, taking the puppy from his arms and giving kisses to his nose. The puppy yapped and his tail was wagging a million miles an hour at the excitement.

"B! Is that the dog again?"

Jake came down the stairs, rounding the corner to look for the puppy.

"Hey, Tooster! C'mere, dude!"

The puppy barker from Phoenix's arms. She couldn't help the way she gaped between her best friend and Hangman, before she smirked.

"Jake, you didn't."

"I did, but I'd like some clarification on what exactly I did."

"Rooster and Tooster?"

"He goes by Toaster a majority of the time, he burns energy and farts all the damn time so the house is full of hot air."

Phoenix stifled a snort, and then buried her face into the puppy's fur to stop laughing. Jake and Bradley exchanged a look, and then Bradley smacked his ass on his way to the kitchen.

"He loves cheese, and naps, and doing zoomies around Jake's feet in the kitchen."

"Ha, Roos, he's you."

"I'm not allowed to discuss the resemblance, I get sex-iled," Jake grumbled.

-

[cometsama]

Blue Lock AU Thought Dump

Hi, I'm Comet and I have this massive AU that's taking up way too much space in my mind. So I'm just gonna dump it all here. This is basically a self-insert in second person pov lmao (if you recognise me no you don't)

I'm not a writer so it's just going to be random plot bits. Had to guess parts of the timeline to make it work...

Parings: possibly Sae x reader??? Idk lol, Ness is pretty cute

Timeline:

Age 2:

Your family moves into the Itoshi's neighbourhood

Your mom becomes besties with Mrs Itoshi

You befriend Sae (3) and Rin (1)

You enter kindergarten a year early (with Sae)

Age 5-10:

You attend primary school and develop an interest in data analysis while observing the Itoshi brothers' football practice (think Momoi from KnB)

Age 11:

You enter middle school with Sae

Sae (12) gets scouted and goes to Spain

You go abroad to study and get into coding (and eventually machine-learning + AI)

You remain close with Rin (10) but drift apart from Sae

Age 15:

Sae (16) briefly returns to Japan at the same time as you

The fated fight occurs and you take Rin's (14) side

While you understand Sae's pov, you do not agree with his approach and additionally blow up at Sae for being distant and not communicating

Communication with Sae completely stops

Age 16/17 – Present:

You graduate and return to Japan after deciding to take a gap year

You land a job as a lab assistant at a university research lab which somehow leads to you becoming a part-time manager/data analyst at Blue Lock

Notes:

Rin views you as a big sibling and calls you (name)-nii/nee (gender neutral honorific where?).

You are super observant and have an innate talent for spotting trends.

Where you study doesn't really matter but I did it with the UK (England specifically) in mind. Cuz I studied there and they have an extra year of secondary school compared to Japan. Also, the UK does year group cut-offs at September while Japan goes by birth year (I think...) so international students usually round down even if they can technically enter the year above. But you're smart so they put you in the year above.

Also, British slang is fucking hilarious and I want silly Manshine antics.

Unlike the US, it is really hard to skip grades in most other countries since the curriculums are so rigid but with this I can make Reader graduate early without making it too contrived lmao.

Also, independent schools (private schools but that means something else in the UK) tend to force you to learn all modern foreign language in lower years before you decide on your GCSE language. So I can have Reader have rudimentary understanding of French, Spanish and German. Full coverage baby!

The specific language you pick doesn't really matter but it's NOT Spanish (cuz Sae)

It's actually pretty much impossible to get a placement at a research lab right out of highschool cus demand is insane (I would know 😭😭) but let's pretend you have a super banging resume cuz you're smart as fuck idk

Still undecided on exactly when you join BL tho cuz I need Sae to be taken by surprise about you being there but I also want Reader to bond with the boys before NEL. Especially Shidou. So after third selection but a few days before Sae takes Shidou? Coincidentally, you are off-site for whatever reason.

Also, I want Reader to drag Rin out for the outing during the post U-20 break.

Hmm introducing Reader right after the win would also be interesting. Especially with Rin being in peak-angst mode. I want himself to do another behavioural 180° (more like 120°). Sae wouldn't be there cuz he'd be in the U-20 changing rooms. The outing thing could still happen if you exchange numbers with Bachira.

Actually, I like this idea more so I'm going with that. The Shidou bonding could wait.

Job description:

The next bits are completely pseudo-science and I'm bs-ing 💀💀

Anyway, the lab develops simulations of athletes as a training aid. They're collaborating with Blue Lock cuz where else can you find such a large sample size of athletes at a similar stage of development who also conveniently wear fancy biosignal-recording suits 90% of the time? Literally no where.

The only issue is that all the data is stored in servers located in the compound and, for data-protection reasons, need to be completely anonymised. For plot reasons, someone needs to be on-site most of the time to sort out server shit.

The data stuff is real in the UK and EU btw. That's why there's such a big fuss about certain US corps selling personal info. Not sure about Japan in particular tho but most BL participants are also underage so...

This is actually the reason they hired you lol. Especially since you're already familiar with the sport.

So you now have the job of making sure the data is being anonymised and transferred properly while the lab sends you occasional projects to work on. Which isn't too bad but Ego decided to make you a part-time manager to assist Anri (who's super busy with BLTV's explosive popularity) after witnessing your analytical skills.

At least it's amazing for your resume and you're paid EXTREMELY well...

[autogeneity]

been thinking about these transformations, reinventions of self I'm so prone to. the drastic, all-pervading changes to everything people normally consider their identity — from interests and abilities, to gender and sexuality, emotions I have access to, broad tendencies of attitudes, thoughts, and behaviour. shifts that feel like "some kind of switch flipped and suddenly everything was different".

one thing that happens when I have such a shift is that like...I naturally call into question all the things I believed of myself. which perhaps intensifies the effect. because I ask myself, am I "actually" still X way or am I just continuing to behave so because I believe it? and so I greatly lower my confidence in any and all priors about myself. and pretty often...this isn't faulty? it actually turns out that I'm not necessarily X way. (for instance!) is it that I was only so because of the story I was telling myself? is it that all of the changes were substantive? no idea. but it works for a surprising amount of things. and sometimes I expect it to hold for everything — maybe everything about me is utterly mutable and I can just decide it to be different right now.

but then, at some point, I experience some mental states that feel...as deeply familiar to me as they do near-inexpressible to another. and it's like. ah. I guess I am still Me™

but I still feel so enchanted by the newfound felt freedom to be whatever I want to be, all of the possibility, and the past self feels so restrictive and like a weight to be shed almost that I seek to just cut it off and leave it all behind. and I think it is standard that the shift has occurred in response to some situation wherein the past self got stuck and found the best solution was beginning anew. likely that I'd been intending suicide (sometimes on account of said situation but pretty often also unrelatedly) but worked to kill instead just the conceptual rather than physical person. and this creates of course a discontinuity, a loss of some sort.

the last one was somehow...different, though.

the eventual "rebirth" came much later but I planned for a suicide attempt not super long after leaving tumblr. and it was also different to all the previous ones because this was the first time I really felt free to do it. where external factors had been reduced to a minimum. I finally lived alone. I was not in contact with anyone. hardly anyone [who cares] would even know, never mind be affected (sincere apologies to those who would probably have wanted to know). I'd even planned for minimising impact on strangers. I could afford the means that gave me reasonable confidence. (also even if I did survive god forbid, having health insurance I could probably get myself transferred to a decent place rather than rotting indefinitely in the public hospital psychiatric ward lol, I've seen other patients do this before). I felt so peaceful about it. I was planning for, like, minutiae. like literally "hmm shall I have a final cup of coffee before we call it a life" lmao.

it has, historically, pretty much always been external factors that made me change my mind. most notably either the consequences of failure or the impact on some individuals. I've never been like, yeah actually I would rather stay alive. at most like, okay I'll give it another shot and see. and this time, in the absence of such strong external influences, I somehow happened across an internal motivation and felt for the first time in my life an actual desire to live. (I will not be sharing either the motivation nor any important elements of the new values for fear of breaking them somehow)

as mentioned it took quite some time to carve out an actual life out of this initially extremely vague sense. but eventually I did, and the remarkable thing is...it doesn't feel like there's a discontinuity. in fact it doesn't feel like any of the discontinuities are "real". somehow I feel continuity with all of the previous selves. I recognise that they are thoroughly different but at the same time there's some nebulous sense in which they're also...not. in which I don't have to cut off all of the old to be able to reach the new. I may not share much of the past versions' feelings, but I carry them with me as something other than a threat.