#But then. I thought; maybe dissociation is the reason why it would feel like another's (plus passive influence exists ig so who cares yk?)

[sepiasys]

Hi, woke up w/o a headache :3 last night sucked but yk it was eventually decided we need to force ourself into taking comfort that we desperately needed. So we went to lay with S in his bed =w=;;

B was in our bed anyways and it was just. Not having a great time in general. Knew his bed/bunk was open but didn't really want to take it.

Well it was very important healing because even though it did take fucking FOREVER to sleep, we did actually manage to. Definitely don't fake sleep when he woke up /lh

But yeah it was nice. It was so fucking important to do. There definitely weren't multiple times where moving the body was HARD (it was comfy but also bruh don't cut off circulation to your body -,_-,)(literally tried to move from extremities to the rest of our body)(tbf the feeling of stretching actually helped a lot to move so that was a win)

So yeah. I'm. *sigh.* I'm fucking tired. We're still scared as hell, I know that much. But fuck, man, this was and IS important. ☕️ hasn't been out as much ig(?), assuming all those urges were theirs (which honestly, makes sense), so it's just been impossible to find comfort. And we needed it.

So yeah. Uh. Ig progress is being made. Trying to... *undo* some damage, I guess. Trying to take care of us.

👍😐👍

[paingoes]

Rubies

Haircare

(Content: accidental whump, past abuse, PTSD, dehumanization, conditioning, drowning mention, dissociation, crying)

It had happened so quickly. Delta leaned against the kitchen counter, comfortable enough now to stand but not quite enough to be using furniture. It wasn’t so odd then, though. Apollo was standing on the other side, trying to explain the difference between originalism and textualism through an analogue about beekeeping. Unsuccessfully. Still, Delta listened with rapt attention. He did not care particularly for the subject matter, but appreciated the novelty of being talked to like a person. Kitty passed behind him. She tugged at his hair abruptly, forcing his head to the side.

“I’m sorry,” he winced. The apology had come just as reflexively as the flinch. He didn’t even know what he had done wrong, but he had suspicions, the same ones that had been eating at him this entire time. He'd gotten overfamiliar, probably. He'd been too comfortable. He'd been acting too much like he was their equal. It always happened like this - some brief lapse in his judgement, then immediate correction to ensure it would never happen again. It hurt worse coming from her, though. She'd not hurt him at all before and he had tried so hard not to give her reason to. Now he had. He was really, really sorry.

“Yeouch,” Kitty hissed as she tried to untangle her claw. Her eyes widened as she saw the still, scared look on Delta’s face, “Oh, no, no, no, babe. It was an accident. Accident.”

Apollo reached over to unhook them. Oh. Accident. Delta brought his head back up, touching it gingerly where the hair had been pulled. Kitty rubbed at her nail; it had split at the top. It was his fault. His hair had only gotten so knotty because he hadn’t been taking care of it. He just didn’t have the energy to do it when he wasn’t being forced to. Especially if he only had one hand to work with.

Kitty seemed to have the same thought, because she offered to brush his hair out that night. He sat down cross-legged on the floor. She sat behind him, gently working the brush through his ends. It went all the way down his back and then some. 

“You have such nice hair, Delta,” Kitty said, running her fingers through it. Some of the luster had faded from days without wash, but it was still soft.

“Thank you, miss,” he said quietly.

“What?” She had heard the discontentment in his voice. He wondered when he’d started slipping so much. He’d always believed he’d been good about hiding his feelings. It occurred to him that maybe everyone was just ignoring them.

“…I don’t really like it,” he admitted. 

“Why not?” She asked. He could sometimes hear the :? in her voice.

Because it gets caught on everything. Because it takes forever to clean it. Because it’s too easy to grab. 

“...Too long,” he mumbled.

“Why don’t you cut it?” Kitty tapped her claw against the back of the brush.

“Wasn’t allowed to.” He rubbed his neck. Paris had been weirdly particular about it — some carryover from his own aesthetic neurosis. Even before then, none of Delta’s handlers had ever allowed him to modify his appearance in any way. He’d never though about it much until it had become such a chore to take care of. 

“Oh.” She frowned. “Do you want to cut it now?”

Delta blinked. He hadn’t realized that was an option. It made sense, though. He guessed he didn’t have any reason to keep it long anymore. If they didn’t mind.

“Would that be okay?” He asked cautiously, trying to distinguish an offer from a trap. That was another thing he’d been good at before. He felt less confident in it now. It felt like he was returning too many false positives.

“Yeah, it’s your hair. I can do it for you, if you want.”

“Um. Yes, please.” He still kept his tone polite, just in case she changed her mind.

She led him into the bathroom. He had to suppress the urge to fight it. Memories of his head being forced underwater. Paris higher than he had ever seen him. His certainty about his own death, proven wrong but just barely. He shivered. He sat down on the edge of the bathtub where Kitty indicated. His nerves calmed slightly. No chains. No water. He still clutched at his own arms anxiously, needing something to hold onto. Kitty ran her hand over his scalp softly, smoothing out his hair. He practically melted into the touch.

“How short are you thinking?” She asked, repositioning herself with a pair of scissors. He tapped a finger by the nape of his neck, a little lower than his ears.

“You’re sure?” She checked in again.

“Yes, miss.” 

“Kk.” She clicked the scissors together. 

His head felt so much lighter, so immediately. He hadn’t realized how much dead weight the hair had been. He was sure it was part of why his migraines had gotten so bad. He gave a little sigh of relief, which he was immediately embarrassed by. Thankfully, Kitty didn’t acknowledge it.  She kept busy with the scissors, cutting layers into his hair to give it texture. She kept running her hands through it, trying to see if it was even. It felt so nice. He let himself sit like that for a while, eyes closed, just enjoying the touch.

“All done!” Kitty grinned. He felt a little sad when her hands left him. She stood him up, letting him view the cut in the bathroom mirror. 

He’d been avoiding his reflection for a long time. It always made him dissociative, much too uncertain of what it was he was seeing inside. The depersonalization had been trained into him. 

His hair was cut short. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes and a faint mark on his nose where the bone had been broken. His freckles glowing dimly just beneath the surface. Some of the color was returning to his face. His hair was cut short. It looked nice. It felt a lot better.

He covered his face with his hands, unable to control the soft sob that escaped him. There weren’t tears, not really. Those still did not come easy. But in all other ways, he was crying.

“Oh no,” Kitty gasped. “You don’t like it? I’m so sorry. It’ll grow back. I can try and fix it.”

Unable to stop herself, she put one hand against his shoulder, rubbing small circles with her thumb. He shook his head.

“I like it,” he said softly. His voice was muffled through his hands. She rubbed his back gently. He sat down on the bathroom tiles, inconsolable.

…………

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety

[cyanoticfireflies]

Hazbin Hotel - Rewatch Thoughts (Episode 1, Part 3)

I know Adam has his guitar and Alex Brightman voice, but is he an actual rockstar in Heaven?  He’s going on about his gig in his anecdote. 

They talked about how Lilith empowered demon-kind with her songs – but how did Heaven get its groove then?

I’m so fascinated by this because Adam knows who Charlie is.  He knows she’s Lucifer’s daughter, which pretty much makes her Lilith’s daughter (theories in the epilogue, theories in the epilogue) which means that she could have been Adam’s daughter if his first wife hadn’t run off with another guy.  Honestly, considering how immature and spiteful Adam is shown to be later, sitting down and talking to Charlie and having lunch “with” her is reasonably chill behavior on the Adam scale….  I’m kind of getting “that weird uncle that peaked in college” vibes from him.

Starting from about this point is where Lute begins to become more interesting to me than Adam.  We get what he’s like.  But when he’s asking whether a girl would want a “lesser” guy to him, Lute shakes her head, agreeing with him. 

She hasn’t said a word so far, but immediately she’s on Adam’s side – not at all appalled that this guy representing Heaven is acting like this and in agreement with him even.

Lute will remain fascinating to me, just saying that now.

Adam goes into listing what he thinks is “our biggest problem” and knowing what we know about Adam later him possibly having herpes is both amusing and scary.  I’m pretty sure he uses the exorcist army as his own harem.  Maybe that’s why all of them are so angry.

(Yes, I think everyone caught the fourth wall break.)

(We’re not the ones who refuse to go out in public without a mask on, big man.  Well, at least not since COVID numbers went down!)

I really want to find out Niffty’s backstory. 

I’m sure Vivianne already has the whole thing drafted out in her head.  But that complete paralysis when the camera was rolling seemed like a trauma response.  And that’s in a room that has a guy that is frequently raped on camera standing a few feet away from her.  Niffty goes totally dissociative until she hears the word “cut” and the camera beep off.  So, so curious.

(Have some nightmare fuel.)

I feel like working in the film industry Angel would be the perfect person to explain “fix it in post” to Vaggie if she hadn’t bitten his head off.  He literally raises his hands in surrender when she snarls at him, so done with all of their shit.

What room is Vaggie in when she’s editing the commercial?  We know there’s a reasonably better working TV down in the living room since they were watching it at the beginning of episode 4, and that room doesn’t look like hers and Charlie’s room that we see later on.

And why did this seemingly unused room get matching elephant statues for the mantle?

Alastor shows up to be generally unhelpful and kick her while she’s down, as he’s wont to do. 

Alastor’s shadow thing is so interesting to watch.  In some ways, it almost acts like Asmodeus’s extra faces from Helluva Boss, mimicking Alastor’s emotions.  But then other times it acts semi-separately.  Is the shadow thing supposed to be Alastor’s unfiltered id behind his veneer?

(You can actually kind of see a non-psychotic deer form for Alastor when the camera bugs out when Vaggie is trying to video him.  That looks like a deer to everyone else too, right?)

When Alastor has his “this face was made for radio” freakout, he’s missing the X in the middle of his forehead that he always has later, which is just an interesting detail to note.

I also feel like “who or what you are” is something that could come up later on.  We know that Alastor is an aberration in Hell, having powers at levels never before seen from a Sinner.  Either his deal goes back farther than I was suspecting or else he’s been very not-usual from the start.

I feel like what Alastor does here with Vaggie is the first (or second if the pilot is cannon) step along a long road to desensitization.  We make him see two deals in the current timeline in the show – once to not have to fuss with the TV ever again, once for a favor where Charlie “harms no one.” 

He seems to be getting them used to making little, insignificant (or maybe significant, depending on his favor – it was very specifically worded) deals with him.  Like when you try to get close to a stray animal so inch your way towards it one step at a time.  Though in this case Alastor would probably do the biting…

I also feel like it’s very telling that Alastor didn’t bother to offer to do his whole set/costumes/crew thing when Vaggie first asked for help with the commercial.  Only when helping with the commercial was in some way beneficial to him.

Are these dude’s Alastor summons a couple of times other Sinners, or are they just fake, temporary creatures?  Does that mean that Alastor is controlling them or are they equipped with some sort of rudimentary AI that lets them perform the tasks he’s set to them?  If they are other Sinners, Husk and Niffty are out of uniform.  If they aren’t, Angel can probably keep the one he hits on later as a fancy sex toy without many moral implications.

(Alastor should give up being the Radio Demon and give Velvette a run for her money in the fashion industry.  Angel and Vaggie’s outfits in particular are *chef’s kiss*)

I hope Alastor’s closed captions staff are better than Amazon’s, though. 

Also, at some point during the flash back to the hotel, Adam has finished his pile of ribs.  I don’t know how if he never shuts up enough to let someone else get a word in edgewise.

Adam and Lute start talking about the Exterminations, and Lute mentions that she “got a good 275 this year.”  (We’ll be coming back to that number later, by the way.)

Adam seems impressed by this, telling her that was “bad-ass” and giving her a fist bump.  While calling her “danger tits.”  Lute does not, in fact, punch Adam in the face for this.  Again here Lute seems totally on board with Adam’s… Adam-ness.

She seems like some of the girls that I’ve known from school, work, etc that go out clubbing and actually will give the time of day to the guys who wear sunglasses inside and think that negging is a successful way to get women’s attention.  Lute, you are encouraging bad behavior!

But that’s not surprising since Lute is quickly revealed to be a zealot, a fanatic, an extremist. 

She hasn’t just drank the Kool-Aid, she was pouring the fruit punch flavored powder mix into the pitchers for other people to add the water to. 

(Is this because if you, personally, catch an angel making one you de-angel-ify them?

Her belief system is carved in stone, and unfortunately for Charlie and all of Hell that belief system is that Sinners double-dying is not only an acceptable thing but an excellent thing.

Lute does reveal something here that has the potential to become important later: that Lucifer made some kind of arrangement that spares the Hellborn from the exorcisms. 

Vivziepop’s other show “Helluva Boss” focuses a lot more on the Hellborn than Hazbin Hotel does (obviously, with Hazbin being focused on the redemption of Sinners.)

The Hellborn that we see/know/spend time with in Hazbin are going to include: Charlie, Keekee, Razzle, Dazzle, the Egg Boys, Fat Nuggets, and that’s pretty much it.  Everyone else aside from background characters in Hazbin – I may have missed one or two – is an open target.  I guess maybe fallen angels must also be exempt since no one is trying to go after Lucifer himself.

Lute’s words do seem to upset Charlie a bit.  “How little you matter,” she said, and it looked like a hit to Charlie’s battleship.  Which I know Charlie is a bouncy blonde ball of daddy issues at this point, but it really seems like the opposite, doesn’t it?  Like she – and the other Hellborn – were being protected.  Is Charlie upset that the exorcists aren’t coming after her because they can’t, so they don’t really care about (killing) her?  Maybe that’s just Charlie’s guilt for being exempt?

Charlie tries to explain her plans to Adam and Lute, but by this point we all know that she’s not going to succeed, right?  At least her crayon drawings are kind of cute.

“Hell is Forever” sounds like one of the songs that the youth pastors I grew up having to go hang out with every other week (divorced parents, split custody) used to make religion cool to the youngsters. 

Very Skillet, Fireflight, etc.  This ain’t your grandpappy’s religion – except the whole eternal damnation part.  Except I’m pretty sure they would have censored some of the “fucks” to let us have this one.

Adam kind of cuts through all of the divine judgement propaganda to get to the heart of things in the second verse.  This isn’t even about population control or final death or any of that – he and his exterminators just enjoy it.

 Since we find out later that no one else knows about the exterminations, I imagine that the exterminators have to be – up to a certain point, at least – on their best behavior in Heaven.  This kind of makes Extermination Day a bit like “The Purge” for exorcists. 

One day to go nuts and get it all out of their systems.  Frankly, it might be a little bit dangerous for Heaven to stop the extermination; after several thousands of years of having that release valve, if it was suddenly taken away that pressure could go pretty kaboom – and Sera won’t let that kaboom happen anywhere near her Winners.

(Charlie is right.  Where did all of these backup singers come from?  They’re gold, not full monochrome like Lute, so they’re probably not real exorcists they yanked into the meeting room from the lobby.  Adam must have a “give me a posse” button in the Heaven version of the meeting room.)

Adam’s big reveal comes right at the end of the song.  They’re moving the next Extermination Day up to six months instead of a year out.

Who approved this plan?  Did Sera sign off on this?  This seems like really bad population control practice.  The exterminations seem to already be getting worse and worse (Carmilla Carmine says specifically that this most recent extermination was brutal, with approximately 15% of the Sinner population being wiped out.) 

If they increase the pace and severity of exterminations, that’s almost a third of the population each year.

I stopped going to church a long time ago, but that number seems interesting…

Revelation 9:15: “And the four angels, who had been prepared for the hour and day and month and year, were released, so that they would kill a third of mankind.”

Revelation 9:18: “By these three plagues a third of mankind was killed, by the fire and smoke and sulfur coming out of their mouths.”

This may not mean anything.

(We'll pick up in Episode 1, Part 4 due to Tumblr's 30 images-per-post limit.)

[purple-obsidian]

Gonna throw more thoughts in your inbox about your ak jason todd fic cause I'm a rambler. So apologizes on advance.

Anyway, she's seriously been through so much. (And so has he) but it's an everyday fight to try and give him what he wants. To try and fix something when it seems like she's the only one trying to. So, what's her breaking point?

Hear me out, he comes back one night in the suit, helmet and voice modulation and all. Maybe she's never seen it on before. Or maybe he's just never worn the helmet around her long enough for her to get a good look. It probably scares her. (Like you said in part two. He scares her.) She asks him to take it off and it leads to a fight. Well, it leads to him being combative and her trying to defuse.

But, it leads to more and the helmet stays on and I think that's her breaking point. Because every other time she can dissociate and pretend it's still him but not like that. Not when his voice isn't his and she can't see his face and feel his skin or his hair. He feels like someone else. Maybe he is someone else. I feel like you alluded to something similar in part two when she was trying to touch him?

But I feel like that would be what breaks her. No matter how hard she tried he still doesn't believe her and still just uses her for some semblance of comfort. I think she would run. Probably poorly thought out but I'm imagining she might be lucky enough to make it to an airport, a car, something. But does she actually get on the plane? Get out of gotham? If she does, is he willing to pause his plan to bring her back?

Or does she do something he sees as worse. Does she go to dick? Alfred? Bruce? Does it make them too broken to ever really love each other again? To ever find comfort in each other's touch without flinching?

dude the helmet?? fucking beautiful. tragic. he totally would, too. the gears in my brain are spinning. reader has expressed desire more than once for skin-to-skin. for him to go opposite, push reader further away, and actually put more layers between them... i seriously love how your brain works.

and if another character gets involved, it will most likely be the one i already mentioned. there's a reason why i mentioned him in part 2 again 😉 more opportunity for yummy yummy angst. i have a whole separate file for the backstory of what happened between him and reader while jason was gone.

i love your ideas ty ty ty for sharing i appreciate you <3

xoxo sid

[antiradqueer]

Hey tumblr.

It's Luna, or more, someone of us who has no clue who they are right now. We feel like the embodiment of being sick and tired and just so done.

We have been thinking long and hard about what to write in this post or if we even want to make a post like this, but now that we're typing out these words, we don't know why we put it off so long.

We are permanently fucking off from the radqueer discourse. We can't take it anymore and we don't care anymore. We've lost all empathy and sympathy for everyone and everything involved in this shitshow, no matter which side they're on. The reason for this is not that we suddenly are neutral, we are still anti-radqueer, but we are so burned out and just start to dissociate the second we open the tags or see a radqueer post in the wild. We're naturally low empathy to begin with, but now every last ounce of that is completely gone when it comes to this topic, plus we just... don't care anymore. There's the 100th transnazi popping up? I don't care. Another "cisabuser" in the tags? doesn't matter. whatever. We're not a bad person, we are just done. We can't keep on doing this or this will eventually throw us into depression again and that might literally kill us. and I'm not going to let that happen.

when I think about radqueers, I feel so much anger, frustration and sadness - or more, that's what I felt. now all of that is just drowned by a dark cloud of tiredness and nothingness.

so, this is our goodbye. Knowing us, we will probably still roam the tags sometimes and depending who is fronting, some of us might even interact with discourse still, but like, officially, we are gone. (@ mod mew: if you could let us still have access to this account that would be dope af tho!)

I will also use this post to to encourage every anti-radqueer who's fighting tooth and nail to get blogs taken down and people banned, to step back for a minute, take a deep breath and think about if you really want to keep on doing this. we thought this would never take a mental toll on us, yet here we are. I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong, but I'm saying that maybe you could use your energy and will to fight for something else.

let's face it, radqueers will never be an actual threat to society. they are pathetic, sad people, hiding behind their screens, screaming "the future is radqueer!" over and over, but in reality this "movement" will burn to the ground eventually and they will go down with it.

do people get hurt in radqueer spaces? yes, they do and that's horrible (just a note as to how bad it's gotten with us: I write this and logically know that yes, it IS horrible - but I feel absolutely nothing. In all honesty, I currently don't care if people get hurt or not, because I can't care. it's like our brain shut off all emotions regarding this topic to protect ourselves). and I'm not saying you should stop offering them help, but I think you can stop worrying about the radqueers taking over society or whatever. if you feel this taking a toll on your mental health, please put yourself first. protecting your health and your life is always, ALWAYS more important that fighting strangers on the internet.

okay, in case you don't think of us as a total asshole with a heart of stone now and are interested in our plurality- and alterhumanity-focused tumblr life, here's out brand new system blog: @the-exodus-fleet And also our hosts blog: @talks-with-the-void

Take care of yourselves and thanks for every kind word and all the support we've got along the way /gen

PS: if any radqueer reads this and wants to celebrate this as a win or whatever, go ahead. if you need this to feel some joy in your sad, miserable little life, I'm not stopping you.

PPS: I still genuiely hope all radqueers eventually come to their sense and leave this bullshit ideology behind

PPPS: and to all radqueers who hide behind this label to abuse and groom other, I hope you lose all your friends and your family over this. you deserve no happiness.

[mephestopheles]

Adding my thoughts to the collective brainrot of the locked tomb fandom. I literally couldn't wait more than a month before diving into the series again, having finished it at the beginning of April. I'm just starting act 3 of Htn and we'll, one thankfully it's much easier to follow now that I can kind of see the path ahead.

What struck me though is, I think I understand why Pal and Cam had to die instead of Magnus and Abigail in the Canaan House Au's. Harrow is healing herself of the damage done by the weird lobotomy she has given herself. I think she really tried to make sure it was permanent, but doesn't realise that as a lyctor all she would need is time, and given that she is in fact like 201 ghosts in one tiny frame, she doesn't even need a lot of time.

So when she's awake, it's the usual go and she's concerned with her physical body and she's dissociated enough from that, that even she can't see her eyes correctly in the mirror anymore. (Side note, I love how often everyone questions Ortus, when she mentions him and how subtle it is at first)

When Harrow's asleep though, she's healing her brain by recreating her memories from the ground up. Now maybe initially the plan was to rewrite all of those memories with Ortus to make sure it's as permanent as the physical tampering. But I don't think she planned or even anticipated that she's powerful enough to drag the actual ghosts back to puppet the story in full.

I believe she's powerful enough to have actually unintentionally brought Wake's ghost back with her through the River. That's why she's getting the bits of memories and notes from Wake (first about the eggs and then about killing the others)

But specifically in the rewrite of the memories, Harrow is trying to justify certain things that can't quite be changed. Gideon was very upset about Magnus and Abigail's death, she took it really hard and Harrow didn't understand it in the first book (now that's Gideon's pov and Gideon is so paranoid that it's possible that Harrow is reckoning with Gideon being treated like shit what a crumb of kindness did). So she transposes that pain and grief to the people who make sense. Thus rewriting their roles to be those who died and that leaves Magnus and Abigail taking over in Cam and Pal's shoes.

Another big reason is that Cam isn't dead and Pal isn't technically in the river so she can't drag them in to inhabit their puppets.

I also love that Gideon was so lovestruck by Dulcinea in Harrow's memories that she can't remove it from Ortus at all, so he's instantly developed feelings for Dulcie and doesn't care for Pro. Since we didn't get much from Pro in the first book (poor dead walking bodyguard) what we get might be real, or it could be Harrow giving Ortus some reason to not like him.

That's what I've pieced together so far, it seems to fit with what I remember, but let's face it the first read of Htn is generally a fever dream.

[lorenzobane]

Bubbly

(A/N I'm traveling again, so you know what that means! 20-minute fic time. Sorry in advance for any spelling/grammar errors. Thank you to @wanderingwriter87 for prompting this one!)

“Are you flirting with me?” 

Garak blinked. He hadn’t expected that response; in fairness to Bashir’s position, he had just dropped a rather obvious innuendo. But he had done that before, and it had never resulted in any action…

And, of course, he must consider the answer as well. The answer, the truthful one anyway, was yes- of course. But what reason could Bashir have for asking him like this? To pursue a relationship? To tell him to stop flirting altogether? 

Garak internally groaned at the thought. Even if he couldn’t have Bashir, the idea of never bantering with him again was unfortunate and borderline unbearable. 

Finally, after what he was sure was an incriminating pause, he said, “would you like me to be?” 

Bashir gave him a bland, exasperated look. “Just answer the question.” 

Garak attempted to maintain eye contact, but in this regard, as with so many other things, Bashir was an anomaly. He wondered what it was about those gold and green eyes that made him want to flinch back. 

“Well, my dear–” 

“It really is a yes or no question, Garak.” 

Garak huffed. “Is there a reason you’re asking me this in the middle of the day? At lunch of all places?” 

Now that he wasn’t hiding his secret, Bashir's eyes betrayed his intense intelligence at every turn. They’re positively gleaming as he said, “so you can’t run.” 

Garak couldn’t deny that he felt remarkably like prey. 

“No, Doctor,” Garak lied. “Of course not. You have such an overactive imagination sometimes.” 

Bashir’s face changed again to an expression Garak was irritated to find he was familiar with. The face he makes when he knows he’s about to win. 

“Liar,” is all Bashir said as he sipped his drink. 

“Well, if you know the answer,” Garak couldn’t help but complain, “why did you bother asking?” 

Bashir smiled, “I was curious, I suppose. I figured you’d deny it, but you can never be one hundred percent certain.” 

“What a pleasure it is to help you in the pursuit of science, Doctor,” Garak said without pleasure. In fact, he started to feel rather exposed. Their game had been blown up, just as he had become familiar with the ground in their relationship. 

“I’ve been flirting with you, too,” Bashir said simply. 

“Oh.”

“Oh,” Bashir mocked. “So there you have it.’ 

Garak blinked at him again and picked up his fork. He wasn’t quite sure where this left them. 

“So,” Bashir prompted. 

“So?” 

“So, now what?” 

“Now…? Doctor, perhaps it has escaped your notice, but we’re at war. Now nothing.” 

“Well, that’s a defeatist attitude.” 

“You’re the one who said our odds of survival was 32.7%.” 

“Makes seizing the day all the more important, don’t you think?” 

Garak inclined his head in acknowledgment. “That may be true, but there is also the reality that we share a living space. This is hardly–” 

“We may not get another chance,” Bashir said, suddenly very intense. “This is now or never, and I don’t want it to be never.” 

Garak glanced helplessly around, but all he saw were the listless faces of all the other members of the Defiant crew in various states of dissociated eating. 

“Garak,” Julian said a little suddenly, almost nervously. “I don’t want to push you into anything. I know I have that tendency. But… But… If you are interested, I packed a mini holoprojector before we left. I thought maybe the crew would need some cheering up. After our shifts tonight, I thought we could perhaps… Watch one. Together, that is.” 

Garak paused again before he leaned in closer. “I smuggled in a bottle of spring wine.” 

Julian’s answering smile was luminescent. “So… I’ll see you tonight?”

Garak smiled back. “Only the Jem'hadar could keep me away.” 

That was a simple, grim reality. 

Julian opened his mouth to respond when his comm beeped, alerting him that his lunch break was over at the same time that Garak’s did. 

“Duty calls,” Julian said. 

“For both of us.” 

“Stay safe on the bridge. I’ll see you tonight.” 

Garak felt something flutter in him as he nodded. The war raged on, Tain was dead, Cardassia was in danger, and yet… 

And yet… He felt a dangerous, almost cloying feeling bubble up in him. Something that oddly almost reminded him of root beer. 

Federation insidiousness at its finest, he thought with a shockingly obvious grin.

[keigo-takamis-no-1-simp]

Ｈａｗｋｓ Ｘ Ｒｅａｄｅｒ - Ｌｅａｒｎｉｎｇ ｔｏ ｌｏｖｅ: Ａ ｖｏｉｄ ｗｉｔｈｉｎ

TW/CW: (Descriptions of dissociation)

𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: Hawks x Reader

𝚂𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢: Is it worth attempting to remember things?

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: Angst, kind of a slow chapter?

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 1481 (A shorter chapter, I know- but we are going places with Daber!)

𝚃𝚊𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝: @marydragneell, @numblytemporary, @rainycloud858, @theplacetoputfics, @aceofspades190, @tipheeweefee

𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝

𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝙾𝚗𝚎 / 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚃��𝚘 / 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎 / 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝙵𝚘𝚞𝚛 / 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝙵𝚒𝚟𝚎 / 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚂𝚒𝚡 / 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚂𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 / 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝙴𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 / 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝙽𝚒𝚗𝚎

Note: hello! I am in fact not dead! I am so sorry for the lack of posting of literally ANYTHING in a while- been working full time and I have gone back to school. With any luck, these will become a BIT more frequent.

As an apology: take a lil hint of what's to come >:)

"I, uh- I saw this, and thought maybe you'd like it?" He places a small quarter-sized red crystal in your palm without touching you directly. "I saw it and thought of you, if you don't like it-" His words tumble out, but the sight of a soft smile on your face brings his words to a halt. A light rose color dusts his cheeks.

"Keigo, it's beautiful. Thank you"

“What?” Your eyes narrow as you exhale. That wasn’t even possible, was it? Not to the degree or the amount that was missing. “That- how would they even-” Your eyes narrow. 

“... how would you even know that?” Considering everything, especially with her not seeing him in YEARS- how the hell would he have gotten that information. He scowls, crossing his arms and shifting his weight onto one hip. 

“I have my ways. Besides- when you disappeared, you really think I’d just let that go?” He shakes his head. Keigo’s wings bristle, your eyes flicking over every so often. He was still extremely pissed, and it brought a weird feeling to your stomach. His anger is real enough… but he doesn’t quite seem real himself.

“The hell do you mean, erased her memories? She remembered your name. She knows you-” He almost growls, and Touya gives him a warning glare. 

“... I did some digging. Looking for autopsy reports- and found something about experimental ECT for memory suppression. Sure enough, this pretty thing here popped up.” He gestures to you. 

ECT… where they’d electrocute people..? Would your mother do that? It… didn’t exactly seem out of character. She didn’t ever really give a damn how you felt about things. She just.. Did them at her own discretion. A sense of weightlessness starts to envelop your being.

Keigo’s glare softens slightly, and he turns to face you now- still irritated, but a little more understanding. “So how the hell do we get them back?” There’s a tightness to his tone- as though he doesn’t want to entertain the idea of Touya being right. 

“... Certain triggers, or another round of the ‘therapy’.” He leans against the wall. He looks… unsettling. Black hair, scars and piercings littering his body, all black attire- and yet, you don’t find yourself afraid of him. Yet, just like Keigo, he doesn’t seem all the way there. Like with a strong enough breeze, his form would dissipate. 

Keigo’s eyes flick over to you, and another series of irritated clicks leaves his throat. For some reason, guilt floods into your gut. 

“Fine.” Keigo sighs, letting his arms drop and his hands slide into his pockets. He clearly doesn’t believe him, or you. Frankly, it hurt a bit. You’d been honest, but his mind was made up. 

“... what if I don’t want to remember..?” Your voice is tentative- and both males glance over at you. Why does your own voice sound so weird? Keigo’s nose scrunches with disdain.

“You want to forget years of your life, even if you have the chance to get them back?” There’s a sense of… why did he still sound so angry? 

“If- if it’s bad enough that it was forcefully repressed, maybe it’s better left in the past-”

“The past never dies, princess,” Touya growls quietly. “If y’don’t face it, it’ll come back eventually and bite ya in the ass.” Something in his words clicks. Maybe it’s his tone, or the somber look in his eyes. 

Keigo’s wings twitch a little more, and he runs a hand down his face. “Matches is right, as much as I hate to admit it.” His voice is a little softer than before. The tightness in your chest that was growing consistently starts to dissipate. 

“You said certain triggers would cause the memories to come back, right..?” You aren’t sure if you want to look into this- after all, the few things you did remember weren’t great. But… having those huge holes in your memory didn’t exactly sit right with you either. 

“Supposedly. But I don’t know enough about this shit to really say much else.” Touya hums. A soft rumble of thunder catches your attention. You always hated storms… you aren’t sure when it started, but there was always a sense of dread as the dark clouds and rain rolled in. 

At least you’re inside. 

The more they speak- the more it becomes enmeshed together. Their words and syllables become soft sounds foreign to your ears. It intermingles with the rain to a point everything is just a hum in the background. The hallways, the figures in front of you… it’s all hazy. 

What was this? It’s not unfamiliar. You’d been here before. This headspace, this mindset. But why couldn’t you remember it? 

Red wings, blonde hair, amber eyes… Hawks. Keigo. Right. 

Black hair, scars, piercings, blue eyes… Touya. 

He looks at you for a moment, his lips moving with those odd noises coming from them. Was he speaking to you? It wasn’t english. You should probably say something. But how do you respond when you’ve got no idea what they’re even saying? 

Keigo suddenly turns towards his apartment, pacing off. Touya’s eyes follow him, but his lips don’t move anymore. You were more than likely unwelcome there. Touya’s eyes linger on his door, before nodding towards it. It’s oddly natural, falling into step behind him. 

He pushes open the door, and Keigo is nowhere to be seen in the main area. It’s silent, his door shut. Touya filters back in a little more, but your eyes pan down to the palms of your hands. Were these yours? They didn’t look right. 

Your fingers are too long and thin, and the creases don’t seem to go the right way. His voice slowly filters through the utter fog in your head. 

“... [Name],” It’s rough, and empty. It shouldn’t be surprising, but it doesn’t mean anything regardless. Your eyes shift up to him. He sighs. 

“Get some sleep. The damn bird is pissed but he’ll get over it.” He shakes his head, before looking at you closely. It’s as though he wants to say something- but then thinks better of it. Without another word, he steps out of the apartment. Leaving you with the odd but not unpleasant silence. 

The sound of your own footsteps sounds softer than usual as you head to the guest room. Your antibiotics sat on the table- when had they been delivered? The plush carpet is nice beneath your feet. Picking it up, you look it over. You should probably take one now, shouldn’t you?

Rubbing your eyes, you take out the amount it describes, and swallow it dry. Sitting on the bed, you leave the bottle on the nightstand beside you. 

Your eyes focus on no real point in particular. Touya wasn’t too different from before, but… if Keigo was the kid from your dream, did that mean you’d known him too? 

Your mother… it didn’t matter what happened. You don’t need to know. It would be harder to remember than to keep going like this. You were used to this, after all. Change didn’t have to be bad, but there wasn’t anything to gain by finding out. 

Flopping onto the bed, a soft breath leaves your lips. The ceilings are high, with a light grey tint. This whole thing.. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel right. 

Keigo paces in his room, fuming. You’d just stared at them, and hadn’t said a word. You apparently didn’t know- but he still couldn’t wrap his head around that. 

You knew Touya without even seeing him. Touya- who used to have the biggest fucking crush on you. Touya, who was a complete fucking asshole until it came to you. You remembered him. 

But not the kid that essentially saved your sorry ass. 

He groans, running his hands down his face as his wings twitch restlessly. You wouldn’t do that intentionally- that much was obvious now. But it still hurt. Trills and clicks fill his room, until he can’t stand it anymore. 

He takes in a deep breath, heading out. Touya was nowhere to be found. Neither were you. You weren’t in the living area, or the hall- so he finally checks the guest room.

Some of the anger and frustration melts away when his eyes settle on your slumbering form. Somehow, you’d fallen back asleep. You definitely needed it, but- god, had he read into everything? 

He’d felt that spark again. That stupid feeling he got when his stupid fucking bird brain felt like courting would be a great decision. You literally just got the news you’d had a miscarriage. How the hell would you feel about him suddenly saying ‘hey, I think you’re really cool, I like you a lot, maybe we can hang out or something sometime-’?

Silently moving towards you, he finds himself drawn to you even more. You were… closed off, for sure- but you were sweet, caring, and had gone through hell and back. Yet, you were still here. 

“... you have no idea how much I missed you,” he murmurs, taking in your softened features. Your laugh, your smile- they were rare, but he’d give anything to continue seeing them. You deserved to be happy- and sure, he’s still pissed. 

But Touya was right. It wasn’t your fault. 

It was your mother’s fault.

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi! Voices & Gemstones here, I saw your reboot of my post about the phrase the future is plural and I wanted to ask something. I would send my ask off anon but it's my main blog and I'm a little ehhh about using it lol but I come in good faith

Im a trauma based system, trying to navigate syscourse and I agree the human brain can split with no trauma, I just... Struggle with the idea someone could purposely give themselves alters in the same way we've known systems to function.

Do self created systems have amnesia & memory issues too? What about issues with control of the body & fights for front? Foreign thoughts and emotions? If it's a self created system why would you create these problems? It doesn't seem possible or reasonable to us, but we can't not ask.

If life stress is what compelled someone to start a self made system then... Doesn't that count as some form of traumagenic?

And like we said way forever ago on our blog, we don't care what source you claim as long as it helps your function in life, we just

We want to understand different sources of plurality better, and you seem very passionate about education, so we wanted to ask. Thank you for your time

- Gemstone System

Thanks for the questions! 😁

Do self created systems have amnesia & memory issues too?

Nope! I mean, not generally! There's like, one guide that purports to be able to induce amnesia between headmates, but the process requires months of mental conditioning and I don't know of anyone who has actually gone through it.

I have noticed we have sort of speed bumps when trying to access someone else's memories, and our own memories often pop up in our head more easily than memories from other headmates do. But I wouldn't call that amnesia.

What about issues with control of the body & fights for front?

Sometimes.

It depends on the system though, and it's not something that I feel happens too often.

For us... by the time I was created, my host was already a mature adult. (I think with a lot of systems who are plural in childhood, the lack of maturity probably contributes to internal conflict and sets up adversarial relationships.) If I wanted to front, we could talk things out. Most of the time, he'd let me if I asked, but If he didn't want me fronting right then, we could work out a compromise so I could front later instead. It doesn't always work out perfectly. But 99% of the time, negotiation works.

Things were a bit harder in the very beginning, but we got better with thime.

Foreign thoughts and emotions?

Like, passive influence where we feel the emotions of other headmates? Yeah, we get that.

If it's a self created system why would you create these problems?

Most tulpas are created for companionship, with loneliness being a major reason cited in studies of tulpamancers.

Something that's important to understand about tulpamancers is that most don't make tulpas for the switching part. I think originally, in the very very early days long before I got here, the tulpamancy community didn't even know switching was possible, and it was something they discovered later.

How a lot of tulpas start out is purely in the inner world or imposed externally. And learning to switch often takes effort and practice. Maybe that's another reason you won't see many fights over front in the tulpa community, because switching is often an act of love, where the host is willing to dedicate their time to it just to allow their tulpas to be happy and interact with the world. It's not generally something that we'd be fighting over.

If life stress is what compelled someone to start a self made system then... Doesn't that count as some form of traumagenic?

I don't think so. At least not in the same way.

The typical traumagenic systems is a system who experiences trauma as a child. They separate this trauma and their brain tries to distance them from it. As they undergo repeated trauma, they have to return to that traumatized state and the dissociation becomes ingrained into them as a trauma response, often resulting in the presence of triggered switching once the traumatized state develops into its own entity that holds those trauma memories. At the same time, in avoiding trauma, they distance themselves from the traumatized part, creating these memory barriers.

While one could argue that loneliness is traumatic and therefore headmates created due to loneliness are traumagenic, the tulpa isn't holding traumatic memories of loneliness. They're just created to provide companionship.

Hope that helped clarify things a bit!

Have a nice day! 😁

[doubledyke]

dissociatED ch. 2

the girls (edd and eddy) are no longer fighting

“Greetings! You’ve reached Eddward. Unfortunately, I’m unable to take your call at the moment. If you will, please leave a brief message with your name, and telephone number, and I’ll return your call as soon at my earliest convenience. Thank you!”

Eddy mocked the nasally voice under his breath after hanging up and tossing the phone onto the foot of his bed. It was bad enough that he would yet again be the one admitting defeat in another of their standoffs. Now he had to wait for a call back just to apologize? Restless with frustration, he hopped off his bed and paced around his bedroom as if to follow his train of thought.

He’s ignoring me. He’s gotta be! His phone’s literally attached to his hip with that tacky ass belt holster. He shuddered to think of the gauche accessory.

Maybe Ed’s sixth sense was wrong and he’d finally fucked it up for real this time. The only logical explanation was that Double Dee had reached his threshold for Eddy’s bullshit once and for all and would never forgive him. One dickish remark too many. And the last one was a doozy.

-

“So you’re not coming?” The breath hitched in Eddy’s throat released as a scoff.

“Eddy, if you'd-”

“Y'know, I only agreed to go cuz you looked like you were gonna fucking cry when I said I didn’t want to. Here I was, willing to embarrass myself for you and you’re gonna flake?” He scowled at the shiny plastic garment bag hanging from the frame of his closet.

Edd rolled his eyes at the guilt trip. He looked down at his notepad where ‘sorry’ was scrawled several times in a hodgepodge of print and cursive.

"Due to a… discrepancy in scheduling, I've had to make a few discommodious adjustments to a-accommodate an important - mandatory, in fact - meeting of the associated student body… Believe you me, if there was a way I could be there, I would.” Edd should have left his sputtering at that, but felt compelled to inject additional awkwardness. “Yessiree. Front row." His teeth scraped his lip while he hoped against hope that his lousy excuse would be accepted with minimal scrutiny.

"You lie like a cheap rug! If you cared so much, you'd find a way to be here."

Edd’s cheeks were burning. Though he considered himself to be fairly skilled in the art of prevarication, he should have known better than to think he’d get one over on Eddy “Spinner of Yarns” McGee.

"Y-You don't understand," he choked. Citing the enervating anxiety he felt about venturing back to Peach Creek sounded like even more of a cop out in his head than the nonexistent meeting. In all truth, the mere thought of taking in its familiar sights, sounds and smells for an entire day worsened his chronic shortness of breath. Not to mention the hours-long trip just to get there. Before he could find the words, a gruff voice interjected.

"Forget it, you're doin' me a favor. Just wish you'd told me before I rented the fuckin' robe." he bluffed, knowing full well his parents weren't going to let him skip commencement after they paid for his cap and gown. "And I don't get why you feel the need to lie. You know you suck at it.”

"Yes well," Edd cleared his throat before making another attempt to explain. "Your and Ed’s educational milestone is important to me, Eddy. Unfortunately, I have other obligations." His unintentionally stony tone prompted a softening of his next words. "I do hope you'll still attend. Earning a high school diploma is quite an achievement for you."

"For me? What the hell’s that s'posed to mean?!"

"I meant nothing by it! Though I'm sure you'd agree, things were a bit touch and go for a while there." Eddy remained silent during his friend's dramatic pause.

His trudge to the educational finish line had indeed been a struggle, which was why he was so hurt by Edd ditching. Their off and on tutoring sessions over the years were the only reason he maintained a solid 2.3 GPA. Apparently that all meant nothing now.

"I’m very proud of you, Eddy."

"Uh-huh. Not proud enough, apparently." The cantankerous little cad couldn't help it. If there was a snide remark to be made, his soul wouldn’t rest until he was the one to make it. "All that belly achin’ you do about your parents - now look at you! You’re acting just like ‘em."

Edd's wide eyes blinked incredulously at such an emotional sucker punch. They’d exchanged their fair share of injurious insults across years of tumultuous friendship, but their tacit agreement not to exploit certain vulnerabilities had never been breached. During even their worst tiffs, he wouldn’t have dreamed of such a low blow from someone who claimed to be his best friend.

Eddy's knee bounced furiously while he waited for a response to his odious words that hung like Ed’s B.O.. It was a shitty thing to say, sure, but what kind of jerk misses their buddy’s graduation? As far as he was concerned, he was the real victim here. So he doubled down.

“You can tell Ed too, cuz I’m not in the mood for the waterworks.”

Rustling was heard on the other line before the call disconnected.

-

Edd froze with his hand gripping the front door knob of his shared apartment. The deadbolt clicked with the turning key, then the door gave way to his weary shoulder. He was still adjusting to the culture shock of seeing how people lived when they didn’t have a pathological need for order. Living with strangers - living with anyone was taking Edd much longer to get used to than expected.

Indignation boiled his insides while he stood eyeing the open floor plan from the doormat. As he stepped inside, he kicked the folded corner of an area rug back, and picked up a couple of throw pillows from the middle of the floor. Loose filler paper spilled from the open pocket of a backpack tossed on the couch. He brought his hands up to his temples to serve as blinders to the squalor as he continued toward the hall.

Being the friendly folks they were, his roommates frequently reminded him that he was in fact allowed to come out of his room. Edd always politely declined, confounded by the concept of relaxing in a room that hadn’t been dusted in recent memory. At this point, it was clear that his colleagues were less than receptive to his sermons on the advantages of sanitization, organization and minimalism. Now he just did his best to ignore the unvacuumed floors, the sinkful of dishes and clutter collecting dust on every flat surface. It was just his luck to be housed with two people whose filth gave Ed a run for his money. A lineup of empty soda cans was swiped off the kitchen table by the messenger bag jutting from Edd’s hip as he zipped by. He startled at the noise, but stuck to his resolution to no longer clean up after capable adults.

The door of his austere refuge opened to cool, purified air, subtly scented with lavender from a reed diffuser. He entered just far enough to close the door and hang his bag and windbreaker from the hook on the back. The mattress protector and sheets crinkled as he plopped onto the twin bed and plucked his hat off for a vigorous massage of his tender scalp. As he folded over and tugged at his double knotted shoelaces, he glanced up and saw the phone he’d left on his desk all day.

He first realized it was missing during mid-morning breakfast with his ESL conversation partner. Mostly unbothered, since incoming phone calls were a rarity these days, it slipped his mind before he even finished his crepes. It wasn’t until early evening that he was reminded of its absence when his steel guitar tutee was ten, then twenty minutes late for their lesson. He attributed the absence to end-of-summer blues, but just in case, he tucked his shoes off to the side and grabbed the little nylon pouch. His heart sank when he flipped the screen up and saw that he’d missed six calls from one of the few numbers he had saved.

"Hello?"

"Eddy? I-I'm so sorry, I… I was in a rush as usual and forgot my cell phone at home this morning. Is everything okay?" While waiting for an answer, he’d been recounting a list of worst case scenarios and going over the most logical reaction for each.

"Aye, Sockhead! Long time no talk?" He cringed at the poor attempt at sounding more composed than he felt. "Uh, how are ya?"

"I’m returning your call. Well, calls.” Edd’s concern quickly gave way to snark once he caught his friend's signature cheeky tone. "How are you?"

"Can't complain. Well I could, but who wants to hear it, amirite?"

Several seconds passed before Edd responded to the hackneyed quip.

"Seems I'm not the only one with a tendency to mirror their parents."

For once, didn't take long for Edd to get to the point. Eddy deflated like a balloon. At least with the elephant acknowledged he could cut the crap.

"Look, I didn't mean what I said, okay?" His voice was a low mumble. "I was just frustrated with the whole… thing. If it's any constellation, my folks made me go anyway."

"Oh yes, I feel quite consoled, Eddy." The corners of his mouth tightened. "I do appreciate the effort it must have taken you to form something adjacent to an apology.”

"Right…" Eddy responded, then waited for the "but".

"After some reflection, however, I realized that there may have been some merit to your callous comment." Edd recrossed his legs and leaned back in his ergonomic office chair. "I told you I'd be there cheering you on when you advanced this next phase of life. And I wasn't.” His ears tingled with imminent lacrimation. “For that, I sincerely apologize."

Eddy was used to his friend's frequent blubbering by now, but his chest still tightened when Edd’s voice cracked. Luckily, befriending a crybaby was great practice for offering comfort in moments like these.

"Hey, c'mon. You're nothin' like those tight asses. Not with the, like, important stuff." He still wasn’t very good at it. “'Sides, I still had Ed! Oh man, you shoulda seen it! He tripped over his own dumb feet twice on his way up to the stage." A hearty laugh cut through the tension. “I hope someone was recording! Fuckin’ idiot.”

"Yes, he told me as much.” Edd sniffled and let out a weak laugh. “In fact, he gave me quite the rundown for most of your past academic year. Including the so-called senior prank you hoped to pull." A sneaking smile accentuated his playful scorn.

"Me? A prank?" Eddy gasped and clutched his proverbial pearls. "It was a good one, huh?"

"Mmm, from what I could gather during his breathless retelling, you hoped to replace each student's photo in the yearbook with your own portrait?" Edd's smirk grew. "Sounds less like a prank and more a manifestation of unchecked narcissism."

"I thought it was funny. If that girlfriend of yours would’ve played along it would've been a scream." Eddy replied flatly. "I swear she used her piddly authority as head of the yearbook club to unfairly target me. What’d I ever do to her?” He gestured wildly alone in his room. “She wouldn't even approve my quote! Instead, she put some mealy-mouthed bullshit about the value of education. You need to get a handle on her.”

Edd momentarily ignored the bulk of the erroneous ravings and gave in to curiosity about what kind of trouble Eddy had been causing in his absence.

"Dare I ask just what vile excerpt you insisted be printed below your definitive school photo? The photo, mind you, that generations of our fellow alumni will undoubtedly come across?" Edd closed his eyes as innumerable offensive possibilities raced through his mind.

"It was gonna be that old Sinatra quote. Y’know, 'The best revenge is massive success.’ But oh no, little miss Steinem said it'd be a cold day in hell before a misogynist was commemorated in her precious book. Hell, I don't even care for the guy, but it's a good quote."

"That's it? Funny, I imagined something far more…blue. Although, she does have a point about the normalization of mid-century machismo. I'd think you of all people would be sympathetic to her cause."

Eddy paused to figure out what Edd meant.

"By the way, Nazz and I separated shortly before your class graduation. I was going to tell you when we last spoke but-"

"Woah, woah, woah, hang on! What’d she write ya a Dear John letter?"

A crackling laugh sent Edd recoiling from the phone’s speaker. Eddy made no effort to downplay his glee at the news he'd been waiting to hear for nearly a year.

"What happened, didja sprout a few chest hairs and scare her off?"

Edd held his matter-of-fact reply until the snickering ceased.

"The hardships of maintaining a long distance relationship proved too much to abide, I'm afraid. I think we had an inkling that our dalliance was doomed to dereliction, but it certainly was fun while it lasted."

"The fuck does that mean? You dumped her?"

"I like to think of it as mutual, Eddy. We came to realize that we were simply two ships passing in the night. Alas, separated by the briny tides of the vast ocean of inconstancy we call life."

"Yeah, she dumped ya. And now I see why, ew!"

"Oh, and I suppose women are just lining up to jump into that unmade bed of yours?" Edd snorted.

"Uh, duh! They’re linin’ the block just for the chance. Had to install a turnstile for chrissake!" He smiled when Edd's scoff morphed into a genuine laugh.

"Why, it’s a wonder you found the time to call me. I’m flattered.”

“Yeah well, even Lothario needs a breather from time to time.” Eddy flipped over on the bed to lay on his stomach. “What about you? How's the single life treatin' ya? You must be bumpin' uglies with a different chick every night, huh?"

Edd rolled his eyes at the notably accusatory tone and accompanying vulgar image.

"Please. If I didn't know any better, I’d think I had unwittingly signed a vow of celibacy along with the lease for my off-campus apartment." Edd stood from his chair and stretched with a drawn out groan, then took the three short steps back to his outgrown bed. "Not that I've had the time, nor energy for such extracurricular activities, given my shortsightedness in arranging my summer schedule."

Relief washed over Eddy.

"What, you mean to tell me you ain't goin' to the keggers at Alpha Beta Soup every weekend?" They both chuckled at the absurd idea.

"Tempting as it may be to attend a gathering of belligerent, red-faced bloviators, where the guest of honor is a barrel of Bud Light - I think I'll pass."

"You gotta make time for yourself or you'll go nuts, Dee. What've you been doing all break then?"

"Well, I just finished my final class of the summer… Oh, and I’ve started tutoring again.” Exhaustion stopped him from elaborating. “Now, I’m waffling.”

"About what?"

"Well, I'd really like to see you and Ed before classes commence in a few weeks. I'm just not sure…"

"Not sure?" Eddy's forehead scrunched. "I'm- er, Ed's practically dysfunctional without ya. More than usual, that is."

"Oh good lord, please tell me he's still employed?" Edd's subconscious foot shaking paused while awaiting an answer.

"Yeah, yeah he's still at the plant." Eddy heard a faint exclamation of relief from his friend. "Him and May are still mushy as ever, yadda yadda yadda. I can tell he's missin’ ya though."

"It's not that I don't want to see you! I'm just once again letting worry cloud my better judgment." Edd looked down at the throbbing, red thumb he'd been mindlessly picking at since before their call started. "I'm not even sure where I'd stay if I did come to visit."

There was a brief silence while Eddy's brain caught up to his friend's words. He'd been stuck on the irony of Edd worrying about Ed's job, when in reality he was the one who'd recently nearly wrecked his car looking for "Help Wanted" signs.

"Well, depending on when you wanna come, my folks are takin' their uh… 'couples' cruise' in like, a week. You could stay at my place."

Edd's face lit up at his friend's offer.

"Oh, Eddy, that would be fantastic! And what convenient timing… How long will they be away?"

"Mom said they're leaving for the airport Tuesday morning, but I'll have to find out when they're comin' back. It's usually like a week."

"Excellent!" Edd squeaked excitedly. "As soon as you find out I'll buy my bus ticket, and-"

"Bus?!" Eddy sat up. "You really think you'd survive a ride on the Freakshow Express? Get real! I'll drive it. Just gimme the address."

"Honestly, Eddy, the bus isn't that bad. I'm of the opinion that having to endure a few eccentrics is a small price to pay for ecologically sustainable transportation."

"I want to come get you." He was a little embarrassed by how intense he suddenly sounded. His heart rate picked up. An eyebrow arched beneath Edd's hat.

"Have you been adhering to your vehicle's maintenance schedule?"

"You can't help yourself, can you?" Eddy laughed and shook his head. "My car's fine. I just got the brake pads replaced, and I think they changed the oil. Might've been the wiper fluid... I dunno. How bout I bring ya the receipt and you can write your analysis on the way back?"

"Oh, I'm sorry that I'm not jumping at the opportunity to be stranded on some rural back road with no phone service, and none of the tools required to correct whatever mechanical misfortune undoubtedly befalls us given our seemingly supernatural bad luck. Do you even have a roadside emergency kit? Preferably including road flares?"

"I still have the one you gave me! You act like we're goin' to Canada or something. It's a few hundred miles. I got cables, a spare, a jack, and I'll wear my cut offs in case we need to flag down some meathead to do the grunt work."

Edd's giggling tapered with a sigh.

"In that case, I look forward to seeing you, Eddy."

"I bet you do." He teased, making Edd redden. "Nah, I'm excited to see you too. Maybe we could, uh... get some lunch or somethin' while we're out there." It was a benign suggestion, but heightened excitement made it seem risky.

"I'd like that." Edd's calm voice masked the fact that he was screaming internally. No, he wouldn't read to much into his friend's words. He'd only end up hurt again. Instead, he read his watch. "I hate to cut our conversation short, Eddy, but I've got to start my nighttime routine."

As kids, they'd yap on the phone for hours with no lull until one or both of them fell asleep clutching the receiver. Eddy found himself grinning like an idiot at the not-so-distant memories. After such a long stretch of not speaking, it was difficult to say goodbye.

"Alright, have fun scrubbing your elbows or whatever it is you do."

"You know I will!"

"I'll let you know what my mom says. I'll text you!"

"Sounds great. Good-"

"Don't forget your phone!"

"I'll clip it to my belt tonight."

"'You better."

"Good night, Eddy."

"Night, Dee."

[ddaz3d-and-cc0nfused]

༉‧₊˚. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 || 𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐠𝐢𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐞

— pairing: maggie greene & fem!plus size reader (platonic)

― era: end of s2 / beg. of s3

— summary: living during the end of the world was never easy, but losing all of the mental process that you had made was even harder.

— warnings: ANGST!!!!! heavy tw for things like panic attacks, a strangely detailed walker attack, hurt/comfort, trauma recovery, dissociating + fluff(?) at the end bcs i'm not a monster.

— wc: 1017

⋆ a/n: this is for @cmfan2005! i don't really have anything to say about this other than the fact that it was nice to work with old characters :']

masterlist | AO3

You thought life on the farm would last forever.

You thought that you would be able to wake up every day and peacefully witness the sun rise over the expansive Greene farm. It was nice to be able to experience life the way it should be, like it used to be. 

A time where the dead weren’t walking and where your trauma didn’t haunt you from every corner of your life. Though the path of getting to a point where you didn’t shoot up from your bed in a cold sweat was long and hard, the only reason why you were able to get to that point was because of the eldest Greene daughter, Maggie.

It was funny really, because when you had first met, the two of you were like night and day; she was a spit fire while sometimes you couldn’t even find it within yourself to be able to talk at all. 

You must admit that you held some sort of envy ridden grudge against her because of the fact that she hadn’t seen what you saw, that she was able to still carry that blissful ignorance that maybe the world wasn’t so bad.

You grew accustomed to being on the farm, you loved tending to the crops and feeding the animals. Being needed meant that you had a purpose. You had a reason to look forward to the next day.

You remember the day that everything went to shit and you were already swimming with anxiety. There was fire and guns and you couldn’t find anybody until Maggie’s truck swung around. Seeing her face was like a blanket of relief, and in that moment you realized the only person that could make everything seem okay was her.

Being out on the road again was not only taxing physically, but also mentally as well. You could feel yourself slipping, days felt longer, your speech shorter, and that familiar but forgotten feeling of  hunger twisted in your stomach. 

Your eyes were set on the burning fire in front of you, the daylight was slipping away from your group with every minute that passed and you were feeling completely and utterly useless. You were mentally – and desperately – fighting against the dissociation that threatened to overcome you. You could feel the disconnect between your brain and you.

You knew that Maggie would want you to stay where you were sitting because she was worried about you. You could feel it in the way she made sure that you were fed, clothed, and warm during the night and safe during the day.

Rick had decided that the best course of action ccwas to stop for the night, so Maggie was off making sure that her father and sister got settled in comfortably. She had asked you many times if you were okay being by yourself for a short amount of time and you had found it within yourself to shoo her away and quell her worrying for a few minutes.

A part of you wanted to continue to use her as your safety net, but there was a piece of you that knew you should fight to stay independent.

With a sigh and one final look around the janky camp, you got up.

“I’m going to go get some more firewood.” You half-heartedly said to the others before stalking off into the nearest wooded area.

Being able to breathe in the few of the grass was refreshing. The wind swayed between the leaves of the trees, bringing you much needed silence.

Maybe being out on the road would be different this time, maybe this was another new beginning that you needed –

You hadn't heard come up behind you let alone grab onto your shoulders before you found yourself being pushed to the ground.

A scream forced its way out of your throat. You fought to turn around, hands slipping from your hold on its rotting corpse. It was so decayed that there was barely anything to hold onto and you stared right at its teeth ferociously bit at the air.

“Fucking - Help! Someone help me!” You cried.

You hadn't gone too far away from camp, so someone must have heard you, right?

You were losing your grip and with every chomp of its jaw got closer and closer to biting you on the face. “Please - I can’t -” And like a prayer that was answered, the thing was pulled off you, a nasty squish following a knife being put in its skull.

You could already see the dark spots in your vision, feel the suffocating tightness in your chest. Your lungs were filling up with water. You were dying, suffocating, practically drowning. You couldn’t bring yourself to speak even as you were being desperately shaken by what sounded like… Maggie?

“C’mon, breathe for me.” Her beckoning was blurred, falling on what seemed like deaf ears. 

“I -” You choked, forcing yourself to swallow the spit curating in your mouth. 

She takes your hand and places it on her chest where her heart rests under the flesh, and you can feel the rhythmic thumping under your fingertips. It helps ground you.

“Do what I do.” Maggie takes a deep breath and you attempt to follow, and as soon as the oxygen hits your brain, you can feel the rapid amount of tears that have managed to fall down your face.

“Good, good. You got it, honey.” A sob tears its way through you, and you all but throw your body into her arms. She rubs your back to help push away the possibility of hyperventilating, because she needed to get you off of the grass and back to camp fast.

“I need you to stand, can you do that for me?” She asks gently.

You weren’t going to lie and say your body didn’t hurt, the struggle and emotional exhaustion taking control of your already weak body.

“Yeah…” Your words were meek.

As you walked, your arm slung around her shoulder, you continually had to remind yourself that you were there with her and you were safe.

“Mags?” 

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

ೃ⁀➷ my lovely taglist!: @alina02 @louderfortheback @minervadashwood @fandomsarelifee @theendofthe70s @nomajdetective @mgg-theprettiestboy @phoenixblack89 @murdadixon

[evansblues]

Personal Opinion:

"He's really good at taking the focus off himself" is actively encouraging his dissociation. I do not claim to know these people, but through observation it seems like everyone made Chris seem like more than handful as a child because of his anxiety and that is why he has so many thoughts, wild and free running around in his head.

The people around him, for their own reasons, did not take the time to look at him and understand that he needs to be listened to, he needs help and that there is something there in which cannot be shoved away for him to "grow out of".

I believe that is also why he speaks about being in the present constantly. That act became survival to him, something he has to be hyper-focused on doing otherwise his mind would get the better of him. It's not as easy as getting help, it's also having the right support system in your life that will facilitate that new phase of growth in you.

If his issues were pushed aside as a child, why would adult Chris think facing those things would give a different outcome with his family? I'm speaking solely of support and being validated in what he feels, and not joked about.

Which brings me to another point, maybe he is putting off his own growth because he is afraid of losing people he knows will not support who he is meant to become. There is trauma there only he (and none of us) will understand.

We can root for him and his journey, say snarky things when he's out of alignment but that is just an outsider's perspective.

Regarding this PR shitshow however, I have no words, no thoughts, nothing. That baffles me.

I could not agree, more anon.

[linagram]

[ 𝙸𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚣𝚞 𝚂𝚑𝚞𝚗'𝚜 𝚃𝟹 𝚅𝙳 ] 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝙼𝚞𝚌𝚑, 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝙻𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎

it's time to judge the second pair! i really like this vd title since it's a reference to shun's first vd.. kinda cool..

just like in aimi's case, i have no idea what verdict shun will get this time. i feel like he still kinda deserves a guilty verdict, but i also think his mv shows him in a much more innocent light so who knows, maybe he'll get forgiven this time!

Warnings for Shun's VD: None

Warnings for Shun's MV: themes of memory loss and dissociation, toxic family dynamics.

(the door opens)

Miki: Um.. 

Miki: Hello, Ishizu-san. How are you feeling?

Shun: ...

Hinode: *whispers* Yeah, I don't think he's feeling well, haha..

Shun: .. You know I can hear you, right?

Shun: My memory is terrible, sure, but my hearing is still fine.

Miki and Hinode: ...

Miki: A-apologies. Let's get started then.

(sounds of Miki and Hinode sitting down)

Miki: So, Ishizu-san.. Um..

Miki: "I-I don't even know what to ask.. How can I even talk to someone who's in a condition as bad as this?"

Miki: *takes a deep breath*

Miki: "It's fine. I had to interrogate Miyagawa-san and Kei-san after they got punished by Eiji-san. It's fine."

Miki: "But really, I thought Hinode-san would be more.. tactful, maybe? Especially considering his own struggles.."

Miki: Again, how are you feeling? Are you getting better?

Shun: .. W-well, I thought I was getting better until I got punished by you two.

Shun: Oh, sorry, that's not the right word.. "Betrayed" fits better than "punished".

Miki: "Betrayed"?

Shun:*laughs* .. Do I have to jog your memory, Guard 002-san?

Shun: You voted me innocent last time. I remember that well.

Shun: I was doing fine. Great even. My memory started to get better. I felt like I could finally.. I don't know.. express myself better? More freely, maybe? 

Shun: It became easier for me to talk to people. I started to feel more confident. I started to feel like maybe I don't need to prove myself to anyone, I don't need to become better, I don't need to pretend like I'm better than I actually am.

Shun: And then.. You took all that away from me.

Shun: And I just want to know.. Why?

Shun: Did I do something wrong?

Miki: .. You were quite happy to find out that you can touch Eiji-san. 

Miki: You even.. threatened him, basically.

Shun: Is that it? Is that the only reason?

Shun: Of course, maybe that's just my brain being weird, but if I remember correctly, you were supposed to judge me based on my crime.

Shun: A-and how can you even compare me simply teasing him and what you did to me-

Miki: And what would you do to him if you got more freedom, Ishizu-san?

Shun: .. Huh?

Miki: If I didn't stop you, what would you do to Eiji-san?

Shun: ...

Miki: Why were you so happy to realize that you can touch him? Were you going to use that to your advantage?

Shun: ...

Miki: That's what I thought.

Miki: And how exactly could we vote you innocent after that? 

Shun: .. You promised you will vote all of us innocent, Guard 002-san. 

Miki: Oh, so you remembered that?

Miki: *sighs* It's a promise that can never be fulfilled. Sorry.

Shun: .. But why would you punish me like that?

Shun: I-I'd be okay with getting beaten up. Or.. I don't know.. You could take my another eye. 

Shun: W-why would you go for my memory? 

Shun: Are you.. N-no way..

Shun: Last time, Eiji-san went for t-that boy's head, and he was the smartest one.. A-and Kei-san was very proud of his looks and body, so Eiji-san left him with all kinds of scars and injuries on his whole body..

Shun: .. N-no.. *stands up*

Hinode: Shun-san, all guilty prisoners got punished in the same way. It's not about you-

Shun: DO YOU THINK I WILL BELIEVE THAT?!

Shun: YOU COULD DO ANYTHING, LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE TO ME, BUT YOU WENT FOR MY BRAIN! 

Shun: AND YOU DID IT RIGHT WHEN I WAS FINALLY RECOVERING! 

Shun: YOU ALL.. YOU ALL ARE MONSTERS!

Shun: I CAN SEE YOU MOVING YOUR ARM-

Shun: ...

Shun: .. I feel kind of dizzy..

(sounds of Shun sitting down)

Miki: "Looks like Hinode-san used the memory machine.."

Miki: "I really didn't want to use them again, but if the guilty prisoners continue to act like this.."

Miki:".. Maybe I should be prepared."

Hinode: Shun-san, do you remember where you are right now?

Shun: .. I-Is this my cell?

Shun: W-wait, what are you two doing here-

Shun: (to Hinode) A-and who are you?

Hinode: Everything is okay. I'm just another guard and we're currently interrogating you.

Hinode: We'll ask a few questions about your crime, if that's alright.

Shun: W-what crime?.. I-I've told you everything I remember about it!

Hinode: Shun-san, do you remember how many people you've killed?

Shun: W-what kind of question is that?! A-and I've already told you that it was only one person!

Shun: I just wanted to protect someone I loved! How many times do I have to repeat it?!

Miki: .. Ishizu-san, if that's okay, can I ask you something about your ex-girlfriend?

Shun: U-uh.. S-sure, I guess.

Miki: Do you remember her name? You've mentioned her so many times, but you've never told us her name.

Hinode: True.. You must remember her name, if you loved her so much, right?

Shun: .. W-well, I don't really care about her anymore, so-

Hinode: If you don't care about her anymore, would you say there was no point in committing your murder?

Shun: O-of course there was! I just wanted to save her from the guy she started to date!

Hinode: But did you manage to win her over after that? 

Shun: ...

Hinode: Do you remember what happened after you murdered her new boyfriend?

Miki: Hold on.. Ishizu-san, didn't you say she was there when you murdered him?

Shun: U-uh.. S-she..

Shun: I-I.. I don't..

Hinode: Please, try to remember it. Your final verdict depends on it.

Shun: S-she.. I think she..

Hinode: Okay, let's try to think about it like this. If she was there, how do you think she would have reacted?

Hinode: Would she be happy that her new boyfriend is gone? Would she be sad? Would she be terrified? 

Shun: .. No idea.

Shun: H-how am I supposed to know all that about her?

Hinode: .. If you had dated her for a while, you would probably know what kind of person she is.

Shun: ...

Shun: .. Haha..

Shun: .. Are you implying that we never were a couple?

Hinode: I don't know. Were you a couple?

Shun: .. I-Inaba Hina. 

Shun: S-she was 21. A university student, psychology major..

Shun: A-also had a part-time job as a babysitter.

Shun: I-I remember typing something like that in my notes app..

Hinode: .. Why would you type something like that there if she was your girlfriend?

Shun: .. Y-you aren't supposed to do that?

Hinode: I'm just curious why you were collecting information about her like that. What was that for? Wouldn't you just know about it if you two were dating?

Shun: .. I-I thought it was a normal thing-

Hinode: Let's think about it like this. Shun-san, you like Eiko-san, right?

Shun: Y-yes! I like her a lot, haha..

Hinode: Have you been trying to find more information about her? Maybe you wrote it down somewhere?

Shun: No?.. She just tells me about it if she wants and I try my best to remember-

Shun:  .. Ahaha..

Shun: I see.. B-but if she-

Shun: ...

Miki: Did you remember something, Ishizu-san-

Shun: .. "Who the hell are you".

Miki: Huh-

Shun: That's.. the only thing I remember her saying.

Shun: I-I can't even remember her calling me by my name.

Shun: N-no.. No, we were a couple, right? She loved me, right?

Shun: Because i-if we weren't..

Shun: .. Haha.. T-there was no point in committing my murder after all..

Shun: ...

Shun: .. Oh.

Miki: Did you remember-

Shun: I did remember something.

Shun: .. If me and.. that person actually weren't a couple and I killed her boyfriend who.. wasn't my rival at all..

Shun: .. She probably would've been really mad at me.

Hinode: I-I can imagine that, haha..

Hinode: So.. What did you do after that?

Shun: .. Probably killed her, honestly.

Miki and Hinode: !

Miki: "HE JUST ADMITTED IT LIKE THAT?!"

Shun: I mean, I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I probably panicked and killed her. Or got mad at her too.

Miki: .. So you admit that you probably had two victims?

Shun: .. I'm just guessing.

Miki: .. Can I ask you why you got so.. focused on love and dating and all that?

Miki: Like.. if she really never was her girlfriend, why would you think-

Shun: Family stuff.

Miki: Huh? What do you mean?

Shun: They.. really wanted me to find someone already.

Hinode: And.. were you interested in "finding someone"?

Shun: .. I think I was. 

Shun: And I think I've already found her.

Shun: I thought Kei-san was also the one, but.. I was wrong.

Shun: B-but even if you two betray me again, I can just rely on Eiko-san for everything.

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Miki: Ishizu-san.. Are you ready for your final verdict?

Shun: .. I just want this to end.

Shun: I want to get out of here. I want to start a new life with Eiko-san.

Shun: I-I really want to make her happy, you know? Like, I-I want us to live together, I want us to get married and everything..

Shun: I even came up with names for our future children recently, haha..

Miki: You did what-

Shun: But Guard 002-san.. 

Shun: (to Hinode) And, uh.. Guard 001-san?

Hinode: T-that's not my number-

Shun: Please, don't betray Eiko-san again, okay?

Shun: Don't take her away from me. I love her. A lot.

Shun: S-so if you punish her again.. Just execute us together or something.. 

Shun: Maybe this way we can die and be reborn together, haha..

Hinode: But Shun-san.. Does Eiko-san love you back? Or is this just another one-sided situation?

Shun: ...

Miki: "You really shouldn't have asked him that, Hinode-san."

Shun: .. So you're not Guard 001-san?.. What's your number then?

Hinode: Ah, I'm the third guard. Nice to meet you.

Shun: .. Oh.

Shun: Then can you please tell me..

Shun: Who is "Eiji-kun"? Is he the first guard?

Miki: *whispering* Hinode-san, don't tell him-

Hinode: That's right! Sanada Eiji-san is the first guard and-

Shun: Oh, so that's who I need to kill!

Miki and Hinode: ...

Shun: Thank you for reminding me! Haha, she just keeps rambling about him.. It's kinda annoying..

Shun: I love her a lot, but I just can't let her ruin our future, you know? I mean, it sounds too perfect for it not to become a reality-

Miki: *whispering* Hinode-san, grab the memory machine.

Miki: Prisoner 003, Shun, quick, sing your sins! 

42% ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░ 100%

[ Shun's Trial 3 MV: ??? ]

The video starts with showing us a fancy-looking dining room in mostly dark shades of red and gold. Shun is having dinner with his parents, however, his parents are dressed up for the occasion meanwhile Shun is still wearing his usual outfit, which means yes, he's wearing an anime girl hoodie. Both of his parents stop to look at him as Shun isn't paying any attention to them and is only looking at his phone. He is also eating with his hands, not looking away from his phone even for a second. His parents look at him with disgust and when Shun notices, he falls down on the floor and doesn't even try to get up. 

"Who are you two? I don't want to remember

All the promises, all the lies like 

"I'll be a good son, I'll be a good husband, I'll be a good father, I'll be a good person"

How can I promise something if I can't even remember my own name?"

As he's lying on the floor, he hears his parents laugh and gets up for a moment and sees that now a different Shun has taken his place. This Shun looks much better than him: he's obviously taking better care of his appearance, he isn't afraid to look his parents in the eyes, he's smiling and laughing and he seems to be much better job at doing social stuff. 

"Who are you? I don't want to remember 

My soul, my memories, my love, my body

My identity, my everything and more

YOU'RE ME"

And then, suddenly, someone else walks into the room and the other Shun stands up and walks over to that person. The original Shun stands up and freezes when he sees who that person is. 

It's Hina, in a beautiful red dress, looking at the other Shun with nothing but love in her eyes. He invites her to dance. She agrees.

"This woman over here, her name is My Love

Or something like that, well, who cares

I just know that I love her

So let us spend the rest of our days together, sharing our joys and sorrows"

Shun's parents look proud as they watch them dance meanwhile the original Shun looks shocked. He drops his phone and the setting changes, it looks like some kind of street and it's dark outside.

Now we can see his phone lying on the ground and someone picking it up. That someone turns out to be Hina and she smiles awkwardly and hands it to him. The original Shun can't stop looking at her, he starts blushing and his hands are visibly sweating. 

"She's the only one who I can trust

She's the only one who can save me 

She's the only one who I can love

She's the only one who I'm allowed to love"

But right when he finally takes the phone, the setting changes again and now he's in his room. He's sitting on his bed, looking like an even bigger mess than before, staring at his phone screen and going through his gallery.

A photo of Hina on a walk. A photo of Hina with her little brother. A photo of Hina with her new boyfriend. A photo of younger Shun. Huh?.. No, that's not right. Another photo of younger Shun in his high school uniform. A photo of younger Shun with his parents. Both his parents have rather serious face expressions meanwhile Shun himself looks uncomfortable and he clearly wants to leave. 

"What's the point in remembering?

What's the point in keeping those memories?

What's the point in me listening to you?

Was I ever supposed to listen to you?"

Shun keeps looking at that photo and images of Hina picking up his phone and him having dinner with his parents start to flash. Shun gets sick of it and he drops his phone again, but this time on purpose, and he breaks it. 

"LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

I don't remember the meaning of this word

Why was I supposed to love? Who was I supposed to love?

Is it even okay for me to love somebody?"

He leaves his room, almost tripping because of all the trash on the floor, and runs to the exit. We can see just how dirty his apartment is while he does so. 

"It's a crime for me to be in love, so I'll play it safe

No more heartbreaks, no more lying to myself

I'm ready to live a happy loveless life 

So please, just forgive me already!"

But right as he opens the door, he ends up in that dining room again. Shun gets scared, but he still walks in. He sees the other Shun talking to someone, smiling and eating, but the original Shun doesn't see his parents anywhere. He walks closer. The other Shun notices him and smiles at him, and when he does so, the original one stops walking and looks at him in horror. 

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Don't steal the love I've earned and worked for

"Who are you?" "I'm you, but better"

But why would someone like you even exist?"

The other Shun still smiles, but now, the screen starts glitching and we can see that it's Hina and her new boyfriend who are sitting next to him. 

"Why can't I remember you? Why do you remember me?

Why do you remember them? I don't remember them

My brain, it hurts, it hurts, hurts so much, what was this song about?

Ah, I think I remember"

Except, when the screen glitches again, we can see Hina and her boyfriend's headless bodies sitting next to the other Shun and the other Shun is still smiling with lots of blood on his lips. 

"Your original sin was consuming all this love and leaving me with nothing

My original sin was being born a loser not worthy of love"

The screen glitches for the last time. Everything goes black. There's a message on the screen.

"Do you accept that you're nothing but a failure and your life is worthless?

- Yes

- Yes"

The cursor doesn't click on anything. The screen starts shaking and we can hear Shun taking a breath. The message disappears. The video ends.

[cuubism]

20 questions for fic writers!

tagged by @arialerendeair :) wow this is an ambitious game XD

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

162

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

906,535. I'm trying to hit 1 mil by the end of the year so wish me luck 😂

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Basically just Shadowhunters and Sandman with occasionally forays into others.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

a lucky break(out) (2,457), mind & heart, body & soul (2,112), don't mess with the high warlock of brooklyn (1,723), In Waking Dreams (1,141), and Complex Mathematics (1,068). Kind of a surprising spread tbh.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always, though it can take a while. It just feels nice to do.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Certainly After Life. Magnus died in that one.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm, most of my fics have reasonably happy endings. The Silly Rabbit series is very happy. The chaotic whumptober fic Kidnapping Your Heart is basically just crack so I'd consider that one pretty happy too 😂

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Only rarely, and usually it's on fics that I'd considered relatively unobjectionable, like MHBS, which is funny. The more fucked up stuff doesn't get hate but the stuff I thought was casual and mainstream does 😂 dunno why

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, though it's something I've had to get gradually more comfortable with over several years. With each fic I become further corrupted and venture into kinkier material. This can only be a good thing. I don't know exactly what we mean by what kind... I like when it's heavy on the feelings. Especially if the feelings are unspoken.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Usually no, but I threw Aziraphale and Crowley into Nightingales for one chapter. If I did ever write more crossovers it would probably only be between canons that seem to naturally meld together (like Good Omens and Sandman).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Well not that I know of [knock on wood]

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yup, Points of View was translated into Russian. Very cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Never in the direct sense of both contributing writing to the same document. I don't think that method would work well for me. But @magnusbae is my perennial brainstorming buddy who's crafted the backend story and vibes of so many of my fics, especially dreamling. I've done the same with @silver-lily-louise for some malec stories before too.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I don't know if I have one. Malec maybe for sheer longevity. I'm usually obsessed with one thing at a time and then just not obsessed with it at all at other times XD

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Oof. I'd still like to finish my malec wips XD I begin to fear that I won't, though, since some would be so long and I've made so little progress on them this year. Maybe, though.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue (also my favorite part to write). Creating weird concepts, magics, functions of the world and so on. Language & style.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sometimes I have to remind myself to do character introspection. I'll get through an entire scene and realize I haven't remarked at all on what the POV character is feeling, shown it externally maybe but not had them actually reflect internally. It comes from a combination of two things: spending a while in school writing film scripts and internalizing that writing style (all visuals no internal narration), plus just being kinda dissociated from my own feelings most of the time 😂 my characters aren't feeling shit because neither am I. I also tend to overcomplicate my plots and get myself mired in them, it's the number one reason I get stuck on fics or don't manage to finish them.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've only done it very very sparingly and I'm careful to get it right. Only used if it makes specific contextual sense.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Funnily enough it was probably also malec back when I was a teenager, before Shadowhunters show even existed, though I never posted anything then.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh gosh. For malec probably still dissolution. For dreamling I'm extremely fond of Deja vu, Deja connu, it really pushed me outside the bounds of the types of stories I usually gravitate towards, in a good way. At the moment more of my 'favs' are probably in sandman simply because changing fandoms forced me to up my game and expand my comfort zone, which was a good thing. I also really like how Patron Saint came out, I hadn't been that happy with a one shot in a while, and writing from Death's POV really helped me grasp her character better. One of my only fics that had a platonic relationship at its core, too.

tagging @pellaaearien, @tharkuun, @im-not-corrupted if you feel compelled to do 20 whole questions XD

[lastwave]

Hello, if you have the energy, time and will, would you expand on the recent post you made on how people in fandom talk about the skills and how harry feels about them? Like, what kind of things people say are hurtful/inaccurate/uncomfortable, in relation to disco elysium?

I do not mean to pressure you to educate me on this topic, as it is not the responsibility of the affected to educate unknowing people just because they are affected, of course. I just have not found many sources discussing the microaggression regarding the way some people talk about the skillset in disco elysium and the way that they might differ from the general microsaggression about psychosis and systems.

I ask this because I am curious about the way other people experience the world (though I know I will not always get my curiosity sated and this might be a selfish reason) and I want to know what not to do or say in talks about the skillset or in depictions of the skillset in art or writing. I want to be able to discuss and use the skillset as a game mechanic, narrative device and characters in a way that minimizes harm to marginalized groups. I also know that venting or talking about frustrations can sometimes help make one feel better, (but I also know that that depends on the person, problem and the relationship between the venter and the person listening) so maybe this can help relieve some feelings? Those are my intentions with this ask.

I apologize if my careful wording is too overly careful or if this question in other ways causes you unnecessary strife. I just try to be a careful person when it comes to these topics. If you'd rather only respond to me personally instead of the ask, feel free to message me. Whatever way you wanna handle this, if it be publicly as a post, a private message or if you do not feel like you want to answer at all.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best day that you can have today. Kind regards, Chromatophorium

hiii thank u for asking!

im gonna preface the system bit with whether or not harry & his skills are a system is never explicitly stated, so take this all with a grain of salt

the rest is under the readmore so i don't clog up peoples dashboards

so what gets me is a lot of works imply the skills are less as people than Harry. i understand where the assumption comes from tho, because a lot of media likes to purport the idea of an "original" alter, which isn't how the disorder works. harry is the current host, and he identifies with the body, but the host isn't any more or less person than the other alters.

& we know the skills have independent thought from harry and their own, even if some (or a lot) of them share similar goals (see electrochemistry and volition, two very different personalities w/ different thoughts on how to go about things, but share a goal of keeping the system experiencing joy, though echem has considerably worse coping mechanisms). hell, they even have different political affiliations (see different routes) and a method of coming to a consensus on information (thought cabinet.)

and, as implied in the name, the skills have different talents from harry. *harry's* talent is connecting with people. i interpret the red checks with other skills as trying to let another alter front. i know ive had moments where i've had to let a way more socially adept alter take over. this would be a slightly different conversation if he was implied to be polyfragmented, but hes not soo.

that's why im less inclined to believe theyre a delusion or supernatural thing (shivers excluded, shes definitely supernatural), bc on the most part the skills just act like people, and all display signs of did/osdd (amnesia, distinct personalities, dissociation, etc.) if u want i can make a separate post going into individual skills and how i think they fit how certain alters form, but thats off topic

ANYWAY. it irks me when people boil the skills down to "this is the one that wants good things and this is the one that wants silly things and this is the one that wants bad things" bc it really falls easily into the negative stereotypes applied to systems & by extension psychotic people

[syscultureis]

I've been questioning if I'm a system or not lately:

I have considered it before, and the only reason I dropped it is because my parents convinced me that "they would have known."

I have recently connected with a family member who witnessed my childhood trauma from an outside perspective, so that might be affecting my perception?

I have large gaps in my memory from early childhood (trauma-related), and have had a pretty bad memory for as long as I can remember (like with things I'm supposed to do later in the day, forgetting obligations I made earlier, and forgetting when I've told someone a piece of information, and with names - like, absolutely terrible with names). But, my academic memory is sharper than most people I know.

I often feel like I have little "resets" throughout the day where my train of thought completely derails or I start having no train of thought at all, like I completely dissociate and only realize that I hadn't been thinking after a while. Like I suddenly take a breath and sit straighter, or I feel my internal "voice" change tone, stuff like that.

I also pretty much never feel like the same person every day (fashion style, way of speaking, interests (sometimes), work ethic, etc.). I have a hard time staying interested in friendships and growing certain relationships, and then I would suddenly crave that person's company again later on.

I dissociate a lot, and I have noticed it before. I moved into a dorm a while ago, away from my family (which was very, very chaotic in all senses of the word) - so maybe that's why I'm starting to notice it more now?

I'm not sure what to do with my questions, and I want to ask if there's a website or another blog that I could go to in order to get more info?

Sorry for the long ask, I'm just really confused right now and all the medical articles I've read are nudging me in the direction of me being a system.

Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. Take care.

That honestly sounds very similar to our experiences mate. You also tend to notice symptoms more when you're aware of them

And trust me your parents very well could never have noticed if you were a system. Our parents never did

It's a covert disorder, it's meant to hide

And I'm not one of the smartest alters in our systems so idk a whole bunch I could say to help you figure it out, but if someone wants to reply to the post they might be able to help more