#But once you actually start to move past the basics you realize that a lot of the treatments they use in canon would actually be-

[bonefall]

yo, puffballs can be used to dress wounds? how does that work?

It's the simplest use in the world. I wouldn't even be able to make a whole guide on puffballs as a wound-dressing it's so simple. You literally just cut and apply to a bleeding wound.

It's a hemostatic; its spores stop the bleeding. So when it comes to puffballs, you either harvest them young and eat them, or let them mature and harvest as a medicine.

This is a puffball when it's young enough to be edible. The flesh is pure white. When the spores have started to form, this will turn yellowish and become a poison if ingested.

You can just use a slice as a gauze, or powder it. It's that simple. No processing required. It makes the blood coagulate and stops bleeding.

[yukioos]

hiii honey!! can i request a leon and ada drabble kinda like ur ashley and leon one? but this time reader takes a liking to both but leon and ada don’t like each other?

BE MY BABY

SUMMARY: on september 29, 1998, you first met leon kennedy and ada wong. six years later, you are sent to rescue the president’s daughter from a town in spain. the last people you expect to be there are leon and ada, who both seem to have an attraction to you. unfortunately, they seem to hate each other more than ever.

WARNINGS: not proofread, cussing, reader’s in the military, ada and leon literally hate each other

AUTHORS NOTE: hi guys! please send resident evil asks because i had so much fun writing this! this is kind of like my ashley and leon writing, so it’s not necessarily a full-on oneshot. it’s basically just ideas. this is 1.1k words.

being in the military is hard work. hours on the field and time-consuming training and meetings have tired you out quicker than you expected. but there is one thing you know for sure: being in the military isn’t for everyone.

september 29, 1998 was the day that changed your life. living in raccoon city was great, it had a supportive community and historical sites to visit once and a while. you’d just gotten home from a mission that took half a month to complete. you quickly became a lieutenant, and ever since then, your days have been filled with leading troops through missions.

however, you didn’t have much time at home before you had to evacuate to the police department because of the zombies. on your way to the department, you met a man who claimed his name was leon kennedy, and he was a police officer who was supposed to start his job that day. he was a sweetheart, far too kind and caring to be deserving of dealing with a traumatic outbreak.

for the hours you spent together, you learned a lot about him, and vice versa. he was a sweetheart, but you could see the sadness and pain behind his eyes. this certainly wasn’t how he expected his first day to go. unfortunately, it was as if the zombies were perpetual, almost every time you’d turn a corner, a hoard would be walking toward you.

the two of you then met a supposed fbi agent, who introduced herself as ada wong. she was mysterious, leaving randomly with no answers, leaving you feeling annoyed. there was something different about her, something wrong. you believed there was no way an fbi agent would randomly leave an officer and a lieutenant on their own to do their own thing, especially not in that situation.

you eventually parted ways with the two of them and found yourself safe for a short period.

six years later, you still remember leon and ada, secretly hoping they’re still safe or in touch. the trauma had followed you, and when you were sent by the president to find his daughter, you of course accepted. it seemed iffy that she was kidnapped by a cult, in a rural town in spain, but nonetheless, you did what you had to do.

he stated you would be accompanied by an agent, who he didn’t name. only when you saw another person standing by the police car to drive you to spain, did you realize who the man was.

leon fucking kennedy. he was actually alive.

your heart flutters as he gently says your name, “y/n?” and you softly smile, you feel exhilarating, and happiness runs through your veins.

instead of a quiet ride, like you would have preferred with anyone else, you and leon discuss what had happened the past six years. he had become an agent with the role of protecting the president’s family, and at the same time, you were moving up the ranks as fast as lightning. the president wanted the best and most talented people to save his daughter. luckily, he chose the perfect team.

you ask what happened with ada, and your heart drops once he tells you she’s a spy.

she seemed genuine, but your suspicions were proven right, she was just trying to get the g-virus and bring it back to her boss.even after hearing all that, you still feel sad for her. she went through so much, and the only two people who went through exactly what she did probably hate her.

but when exploring spain, you never would’ve expected to see her again. you persuade yourself to trust her again, because, in the end, she desires the best for the world.

leon feels the opposite about ada. he hates everything she does, every little word she oh-so confidently says, and how she’s always doing so much for you. she left the two of you, she doesn’t deserve you, as he thinks. he doesn’t want you and him to get manipulated again, and he thinks the two of you share the passion of hating ada.

leon took in all the words you said in the car ride to spain, but was mostly focusing on your plump lips. the way your lips would stretch into a smile, the sides curving upwards, would make his body feel warm. he missed you so much, more than words could describe. every day, he thought about seeing you again. he didn’t even know you were still alive until he heard the president mention your name once. as he spoke highly of you, pride bloomed in leon’s chest. he knew you before you became a very well-known military asset.

leon knew he fell in love easily. hell, he fell in love with you the first time he saw you at the police station. you were in the prettiest outfit, and once you escaped the department, he saw your necklace that had been lying on your chest, dropped on the ground. he kept that necklace for the next six years in hopes of bringing it back to you one day.

he gave it back to you in the police car, telling you straight up, and how he had hoped he would see you again someday. the gratefulness and red cheeks made him quietly chuckle. he secretly relished in the idea of you being flustered and touched because of him.

in 1998, ada felt the need to protect you and leon, she thought she felt attracted to him at one point. she then realized the idea of being with you would be much more wholesome and better for you. leon was just a rookie who didn’t know anything! there was no way you would warm up to him quicker than her

the rookie hardly knew anything, he clearly wasn’t taught to be weary of other people. he was too gullible, in ada’s opinion. there wasn’t many good things about him. his jokes weren’t funny, he didn’t have many appealing qualities, so clearly she was a much better partner for you.

seeing you in your cute, dark blue button-up blouse and black skirt makes her eye you like a dog eyeing a cat. she wants you all to herself, and will do anything to gain that. she would gently lift your chin or tease you while talking to you, asking “are you listening? seems like your mind is somewhere else.” and hook her arm around your waist to redirect you to a different path.

but she and leon knew the other won’t give up on attaining your love. i mean, who wouldn’t want you? you are the most perfect person ever, perfect qualities, perfect beauty, perfect skills, and that’s something they can both agree on. the spy and agent both want you to have the best partner, but both believe they are the one for you.

you hate how they can’t see eye to eye on what you think about the two of them. you love both of them. leon’s chuckle and jokes make you feel like you have a heart attack— in the best way possible, though! he always finds a way to brighten your mood whenever you are feeling upset and will voice his concerns about you. he was straightforward, and you love that in a person. another reason why you love him is that he’s one of the most handsome people you’ve ever seen. whenever his eyes wander into yours, your cheeks feel a little too hot beyond comfort.

ada is beautiful, and you are sure of one thing. red is her fucking color. i mean, god, you’ve spent days just thinking about who could wear red better than her, and that wasn’t even one of the main reasons why you love her! the way she does everything in a confident matter makes you adore her, she seems so sure of herself. she was so strong and far more talented than anyone you’ve known. the way she effortlessly avoids danger like the back of her hand, and protects you from it as well, makes your cheeks flush.

how were you supposed to choose between two of the best people in the world? the hours you spend with them are supposed to be calm, besides finding ashley, but instead, it’s stressful. all that time you only think about finding the president’s daughter, and the two love interests that cloud your mind for eternity.

[eddiemunsonsmum]

Bubble Therapy - Eddie Munson

Eddie Munson x Original Female Character

Summary: Eddie is filthy and now that he's home from the hospital he no longer has an excuse to stay that way. Also, Eddie has never had a bubble bath before :(

Tags: Fluff, Love, Joking, Banter, Angst, Spicy references, Small amount of Spice, inner healing/healing Eddie's inner child, Mommy!kink/Mommy!Dom if you squint, Basically Eddie has Mommy issues.. and Daddy issues.

TWs: past child abuse, past child neglect, drug references

Words: 5.2k

A/N: This story sits canonically after, Aftermath and before Drop Out but should be able to be read as a standalone. More notes at the end.

~~

Eddie was sulking.

Karmen could tell as she popped her head around the corner of the bedroom door and looked in on him curled up on his side of the bed. Above the covers as she had instructed. The sour look on his face as he glowered at the wall made her feel a little sorry for him but more than anything, it made her want to laugh.

He was being juvenile. 

“Alright, I’m ready for you.” She called, catching his attention as cross eyes flicked towards her and then back to the wall. As if to check if she had been speaking to him. As if they weren’t alone in her house on a random Thursday night.

As if she hadn’t said she was walking away to get things ready for his bath.

“Do I have to?” He asked rhetorically, sullen face pressing his lips together as she answered simply that yes, he did.

He had been home from the hospital for a week now after his ordeal in The Upside Down or as Karmen knew it, the car accident. 

He was currently staying with her in her home. Having freaked out when he’d returned to the trailer. She and Wayne hadn’t managed to get him to sleep there more than one night and she wasn’t really sure how much of that he had actually spent sleeping.

She understood. He hadn’t been back there that she knew of, since he’d seen a girl murdered right in front of his eyes in the living room he’d grown up in.

She didn’t want him to have to stay there if he didn’t want to. She was more than happy to house him. She just had one, simple condition. 

That he washed at least once a week.

Wayne had helped him into the shower when he’d returned to the trailer and he’d sat in the bottom of it like a petulant child as Karmen scrubbed him top to bottom. Albeit gently as he was still healing. It was his first proper wash since he’d woken up alive in the alternative version of the trailer park. Half eaten and covered in blood.

He’d been cleaned up somewhat before he was rushed to surgery back in the real world and he had been sponge bathed during his hospital stay. But nothing had quite compared to the feeling of washing away weeks worth of grime that he hadn’t even realized was still hiding on his body.

That being said, he wasn’t keen to do it again.

It had taken a lot out of him and while he was getting better at moving around on his own, he was still very sore and sorry. He was shaky on his feet and the feeling of the water hitting his skin in the shower had quickly grown overstimulating. Making him want to scream but instead all he could do was silently cry as Karmen apologized over and over for making him do it.

He’d found his words again shortly after returning to Karmen’s house. Having been effectively mute for the majority of his hospital stay. He hadn’t been able to talk, to tell her everything that was happening with him. His brain had been blocking his ability to speak in the way it used to when he was a child.

Nonverbal.

They had called it. He was nonverbal during his hospital stay. But after getting to come back to a familiar place that hadn’t been tainted by a horrific tragedy that he was reminded of everywhere he looked. The block in his brain had started to fall away. To dissolve and reabsorb itself as words that he couldn’t form days earlier fell from his lips with ease. Small at first, one word answers until this point in time where he was again, much to everyone’s relief, speaking full sentences.

Although he was still keeping things close to his chest. He could talk and that was what mattered to his loved ones in the moment.

The only downside being that a verbal Eddie was an argumentative one.

He wasn’t afraid to say he didn’t want to do something and when Karmen had brought up how dirty he’d gotten just lying around the house during the week he had immediately felt defensive and made a snippy remark about how that reflected her housekeeping skills more than his personal hygiene.

He’d regretted it instantly. Seeing anger flash in her eyes and watching as her jaw set together hard. A frustrated exhale through flared nostrils prompted him to apologize quickly and profusely as she told him she was going to organize a bath and made him promise to not get under the covers in her bed while his feet were so disgusting.

She’d calmed down in the time it took her to organize his bath. She knew he didn’t mean it and if he’d been in his right mind he never would have said it even if it was something he thought on the inside. Which, considering the state of his own bedroom, she highly doubted.

Either that or he was the world’s biggest hypocrite and she wouldn’t hesitate to point that out if he doubled down. 

She knew he was defensive because he hadn’t enjoyed his shower at the trailer and he was dreading going through that again. His anger was reactive and while that didn’t excuse it in general, she gave him a pass in this particular instance and put her energy into making this a nice experience for him so that hopefully he wouldn’t fight her so hard on getting clean in the future.

Karmen nodded at him again when he didn’t respond to her answer. Walking into the room to stand next to the bed and waiting with thin patience for him to move.

“Ugh.” He groaned, pushing himself up into a sitting position. Something he’d still been struggling with a week earlier. “Okay.” He moaned, unable to keep the reluctancy from his tone as Karmen held out a hand to help him up.

“Bring your cane, we’re going to the main bathroom.” She reminded him, picking up the cheap walking stick she’d bought from Melvald’s the day after he’d returned home and placing it in his other hand. 

Eddie had grumbled about using it. But conceded after it had saved him from fall that maybe it was best.

He still hated it. But he was aware that it was temporary and that there were people out there who weren't so lucky as to be able to put their cane down after a couple of weeks. He tried his best to be grateful knowing it would end eventually.

“What?” He asked, more of a whine than a word. “Why not in here?” He complained, nodding towards the ensuite and watching as she cocked her head at the question.

“I don’t have a bath in there.” She answered plainly, as if it was an obvious answer.

“A bath?” Eddie asked with a scowl.

Oh no. 

He already didn’t want to shower but an actual bath was worse somehow.

“Yeah.” She replied, jerking her head towards the doorway of the bedroom. “I told you I was going to run you a bath.” She said tiredly, shaking her head at the way he muttered to himself.

“I thought it was a figure of speech.” He admitted quietly.

“Well what did you think I was doing that whole time?” She asked incredulously, shrugging at him as he mimicked her, shrugging his shoulders back.

“I don’t know…” He replied earnestly. “Toilet.”

“I was gone for like twenty minutes!” Karmen exclaimed, offended. “The water pressure here is shit by the way.” She added with a snicker.

“Not an unusual amount of time for you.” Eddie smirked as her mouth fell open in disbelief.

“Stop sassing me.” She warned him. She had let the first remark go. But commenting on her toilet breaks was too far. Even her boss let it go when she made it back to her desk after twenty minutes of reading Garfield… And he was paying her! 

“I tried to do a nice thing for you. Come on, it’s all ready for you.” She said, shaking the hand she held out for him to take.

“I appreciate it but…”  He began, trailing off as she gave him a pointed look and he decided it was better for him if he just started getting up instead of arguing.

He could argue about it on the way to the bathroom.

“It’ll get cold while you sit here whining.” She cautioned as he placed his hand in hers.

“Wouldn’t want that.” Eddie replied wryly, rolling his eyes.

“No you wouldn’t.” She agreed, knowing he was being cheeky and choosing to ignore it because he was agreeing with her point of view.

“Oh why, are there lots of bubbles?” He asked sarcastically as he grunted through the pain of standing, using her hand and his cane to steady himself.

“Of course.” Karmen answered with a laugh as she turned towards the bathroom and tried to pull him behind her. The heavy weight of Eddie not moving forced her to halt.

“What?” She asked, turning to face him. Baffled to find him frowning.

“No, nothing.” He replied quickly, shaking his head and limping closer as Karmen cocked a brow in his direction.

“No, what? What’s wrong?” She asked gently, placing a hand on the uninjured side of his chest and ducking into his view as he shrugged at her.

“Nothings wrong I just… I’ve never had a bath with bubbles before.” He answered simply. Staring into disbelieving eyes as she blinked at him dumbly.

“You’ve never had a bubble bath?” She asked after a moment of surprised silence. More of a shocked statement than a question.

“Nope.” He replied simply.

“Like, not even as a kid?” She asked, stunned, as he shrugged again.

“My parents couldn’t afford fancy shit like that and playing with me in the bath wasn’t exactly Wayne’s brand of parenting.” He chuckled. “Thank God.” He added under his breath, making her huff out a laugh.

“Oh my God…” She said empathetically. “Well what are you waiting for then, come on?” She encouraged, tugging on his hand as she turned back towards the bathroom.

He followed behind her quietly. The soft drag of his foot and the dull thud of his cane against the hardwood announcing his injured gate as he limped along behind her at a pace that he felt she must find infuriating in her healthy state.

They made it to the bathroom eventually.

Eddie’s brows shot towards his hairline as Karmen nudged the door open and steam began to seep out from inside.

“Quick.” She instructed him hopefully. Knowing full well that he couldn’t actually move very fast but he could at least pretend to try.

He did pretend to try. Grunting as he shuffled past her into the small room at the same pace as he was moving before but taking smaller steps so it seemed like he was moving faster.

She smiled to herself, pulling the door closed behind them to trap the heat and gesturing for him to keep moving so they both had room in there.

She couldn’t see his face but she knew he was smiling. The tone of his voice gave it away as he whispered a small:

“Wow.”

“You like?” She asked, as she began to scoop her hair into her hands before pulling it up to the top of her head and securing it in a loose bun with the scrunchy on her wrist.

She was already starting to sweat in the small space and needed her hair off her neck immediately.

“Yeah.” Eddie answered simply, emotion in his voice as he turned to her with watery eyes. “I like.” He added with a pout as she smiled up at him, feeling satisfied.

“Good.” She said as he turned back to the bath. The water was as high as she could justify letting it go without knowing it would for sure spill over the sides when Eddie got in. The bubbles were piled high atop the surface, coming up at least seven inches above the rim on the tub and fizzing away in the silence of the small space.

The aroma in the room was delicious. She’d used some of her favorite bath oils. Christmas gifts from her lazy brothers that were actually thoughtful gifts from her Mother. She’d mixed them with the muscle relaxing salts she’d bought from the pharmacy and the children’s bubble bath she had on hand for when she babysat. She’d spent a lot of time on her knees, fluffing up the water to make sure the bubble bath had worked as intended, if not better than.

The light was still on in the small room but she’d lit candles that rested on the sink and the windowsill. The little lights flickered around and threatened to extinguish under the change of air pressure from them both entering. They were adding to the yummy smell in the room. 

Eddie squinted to read the name of the one closest to him.

Confetti Cupcake.

No wonder it smelled so damn good. He wasn’t a stranger to a good cupcake.

Karmen leaned down and gently removed his cane from his hand. Making sure he was steady before leaning it up against the side of the shower just a foot away from where he would be sitting in the bath.

She knew Eddie was grateful that he wouldn’t have to use it forever but he relied heavily on it for now. She wanted to make sure it was easily within reach for him at all times.

“Now, let’s get you undressed Honey.” She said softly, not missing the shiver that ran down his spine at the words. The tender way she’d spoken them awakening something inside of him briefly before he pushed it back down and leant against the sink to brace himself against being knocked over as she squished around him so she was facing his front.

“You like that?” She asked knowingly as she reached for the hem of his shirt. His tongue darted out to lick at his lips as he averted his eyes. Nodding at the question as she smiled to herself at his response. 

Eddie wasn’t sure exactly what about it he liked. Just that he knew he most certainly did like it when she spoke to him like that.

Like she wanted to help him. 

Like she cared and helping him wasn’t just a chore she had to get through so she could go and do whatever she actually wanted to be doing.

Like he wasn’t a chore.

More than that. Like she enjoyed taking care of him and he was the something that she wanted to be doing. 

“You know I’ll take care of you for as long as you need me to Sweetheart.” She said as she began to lift the hem of his shirt. Pulling it up towards his chest as he hummed in reply, not trusting his voice.

What if I need you to take care of me forever?

Eddie wanted to ask as he lifted his arms as high as he could. The muscles strained as he forced them up further than he had lately in an effort to be helpful. 

“What if I just want you to take care of me?” He asked instead, as the fabric of his shirt brushed against his lips and he bent forward to help her pull it over his head. Grateful for the fact that she couldn’t see his face as he felt heat rise up his neck at the query.

“For as long as you want me to, then.” Karmen answered simply, shimmying the shirt over his unruly mess of hair and finally freeing him of his cotton prison. “Pants off next.” She added, as he straightened himself. Peeking through the curls that still covered his face and watching as she tossed his shirt towards the hamper.

Eddie reached for his waistband, hands making it there before hers could and pausing on the elastic as she placed her own on top of his and looked up at him to see what he was thinking.

He looked down at her sheepishly through the gap in his hair and she chuckled to herself. Raking her fingers through it and brushing it out of his face and back behind his shoulders.

“You’re wearing sweatpants.” She reminded him gently, making him frown as she leveled him with her questioning gaze. “You’re not hiding anything by keeping them on.” She explained, eyes flicking away from his and towards the obvious tent at his crotch that was just a hair shy of brushing against her belly button.

“I am, actually.” He responded, eyes following hers to the elephant in the room and watching as it twitched in response to being spoken of. The fabric covering the tip slowly discoloring as his wetness seeped into it on the upward kick. 

“Oh, nevermind.” He murmured, hooking his thumbs under the waistband and lifting it out and over his erection before loosening his grip on the pants altogether and letting them fall from his fingers to his ankles. 

“You really liked that huh?” Karmen asked slyly, her voice sultry as she spoke. A satisfied smirk crossed her lips as she watched his cock jerk at the question. A bead of pre-cum dripping down his head and falling to the floor to further soil his sweats.

Eddie didn’t answer, flustered by the teasing. He hadn’t been expecting anything like that from her when he’d walked into the bathroom and still wasn’t to be honest. But he couldn’t help the way his body reacted to the way she spoke. When she knew exactly what she was doing to him and lowered her voice to a raspy octave that tickled something inside his abdomen. 

When she whispered about loving to take care of him and how easy he was to love.

It drove him insane and she knew it.

Thankfully she stopped there, holding out her arms and placing firm hands on either side of his torso. She encouraged him to use them to steady himself as he stepped out of his pants.

He did so with little grace. Wobbling around as he balanced on each leg and used the souls of his feet to push the fabric down and off his ankles until finally he was free and completely naked. 

Almost ready for the bath.

“Bend down for me please.” Karmen instructed, leaning over to grab something off the sink and holding it up to show him.

Eddie nodded, tilting his head forward and closing his eyes as she raked her fingers through his hair again and pulled it into a bun similar to her own on the top of his head.

He stood back up when she let him know she was done, turning to look in the mirror and seeing the foggy outline of his ridiculous hairdo. 

Large messy bun atop his scalp that was still a little too far back for his bangs to be pulled into. His forehead still covered by them. 

He snorted at the stylish do.

“Here.” Kam nudged him to get his attention again, holding up the simple piece of elastic fabric that she used to keep her hair out of her eyes when she did her make up and handing it to him to put over his head as she turned her attention back to the bath.

Eddie pulled it down over his eyes and let it sit around his neck for now while Karmen moved to the side to give him room to head towards the bath. 

He took a shaky step, holding onto the sink on one side and Karmen’s arm on the other as he lifted his leg over the side of the tub. Hissing as his foot parted the bubbles and he placed it into the warm water.

“Careful.” Karmen said absently as he lifted the other leg experimentally. He knew to be careful. Of course he was being careful. He was doing everything in his power to avoid getting hurt and being forced to go back to that wretched place he’d finally escaped earlier in the month.

Eddie heeded her warning anyway. Taking an extra few seconds to prepare himself before lifting his other leg into the water and slowly sinking down. Holding tight onto Karmen’s arms as he lowered himself until he was sitting firm against the bottom of the tub. His iron grip loosening on her as he stretched out his legs and grimaced apologetically at how hard he had been holding on to her.

She waved him off, even though she knew she’d have at least one bruise. She chose this for him and wasn’t about to hold that against him when he was just trying to steady himself. 

“Lie back.” She said as she pressed a hand on his chest and encouraged him to lean against the wall. His body slipped slightly and made him jolt in alarm before he caught himself and let out a sharp exhale of relief. His back touching against cool tile as wet hands pulled the fabric from around his neck up and over his bangs. 

It held them out of his eyes brilliantly and took away frustration he hadn't realized he’d been feeling when he could suddenly see properly and nothing was touching his face or neck.

Karmen produced a stool to sit on. He wasn’t entirely sure where from but he had a hunch she’d stored it in the shower. It was the one she sat on when she babysat her friend’s child Jack who was still too little to take baths on his own.

He was surprised when she’d told him what it was for when he’d originally asked almost a year ago now. Jack was three at the time, nearly four currently and she still sat with him while he bathed.

Eddie couldn’t remember a time when someone had sat with him in the bath as a child. Maybe they had when he was really young and he just couldn’t remember it. But what he did remember was from when he was around the age Jack was now. So he didn’t have much hope for that being true.

He remembered playing until the boring water went cold and then calling out for someone to help him. He remembered the way he shivered as he waited for someone to come. Eventually finding his own way out, not without incident and being chastised for getting water on the floor. For slipping in it. For being hurt and more importantly, for moving. 

Because he was supposed to be stuck.

He hadn’t understood that as a child. But as an adult he knew it meant that he was left there on purpose. Because they knew where he was when he was in the bath. They knew he was playing by himself and couldn’t just walk in on them doing whatever it was they wanted to do while he was stuck in the tiny room by himself, wishing someone would come and sit with him.

“What if you’d drowned?” Wayne had asked him once when he was a lot older. Disbelief on his face as the topic of how the hell his parents had managed to keep their shady dealings from him for long had arisen and Eddie had explained one of the ways he’d remembered.

Eddie had just shrugged in response. 

He guessed they didn’t care…

He looked up at Karmen as she sat down on the stool, rummaging around in the drawers beside her and he couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it would have been like if he’d had a Mom that wanted to do bathtime with him as a child.

Minus the raging erection of course.

But even that had begun to relax the second it hit the water. Tension he didn’t know he had been holding onto seeping from deep in his bones as he followed Karmen’s lead and let himself rest against the wall.

“Here we go.” Karmen said cheerfully as she shut the drawer and held up a clean hand towel and an empty plastic cup. She placed the cup on the edge of the bath and caught Eddie by surprise as she dipped the towel into the water.

“What’s that for?” He asked as she lifted it out. Letting it slide along his body as she pulled it up and over his torso like a small blanket.

“To keep you warm.” She explained. “Also dicks float and it’s unsettling.” She added, making him laugh.

“Mm.” He agreed, looking down at the scratchy cloth that now covered his modesty and most of his scars as she scooped up some water in the cup and poured it over the towel to keep it from going cold. 

Eddie shuddered as the warmth spread over his chest. The water brushing against his skin and relaxing his tense muscles.

He huffed out an involuntary sigh. The sound made Karmen smile as she continued to scoop and pour water over his torso ever now and then and he let his eyes flutter closed. The bubbles fizzed around his body. Tingling against his goosebumpy skin and adding to the experience in a way he hadn’t anticipated. 

He’d always looked at bubble baths through the eyes of an excited child rather than the weary eyes of an adult with aching joints.

“This is nice.” He mumbled, lips barely moving, eyes still shut as he fought the sudden overwhelming urge to sleep. To let himself fall into unconsciousness in his watery bed and float into nice dreams in a way he hadn’t since before everything had gone down.

“I’m glad Baby.” Kam murmured back, her volume low on purpose to keep in line with the calmness of the room.

Eddie’s cock twitched in response to the term of endearment. 

Lord she did know exactly how to work him up but he couldn’t tell if she was doing it on purpose now or not. They both ignored his twitching erection. Eddie, willing it away as Karmen, smiled to herself at his eagerness starting to die down again.

While an orgasm was never unwelcome when it happened upon him, he was far too relaxed to be bothered with trying to procure one at that moment.

Maybe after his bath when they returned to the bedroom and Karmen finally let him under the covers again. But right now he was relishing in her attention of a different kind. Being nurtured by her in a way that healed something long broken inside of him. Something he hadn’t even realized had been damaged when he was small. 

It was nice.

To feel cared for.

Not just to feel cared for but to feel worthy of being cared for. Not just looked after as a means of keeping him alive but nourished and allowed to grow in a way he should have decades earlier. 

He hadn’t realized what he had been missing all this time. A part of that was hugely depressing. Something he struggled with a lot since he’d met her. Realizing what it truly felt like to be loved and the epiphany that he’d never felt it before. 

Not truly.

Wayne loved him. He knew he did. But not in the way Karmen did. Which, he supposed, would be yucky and illegal.

Regardless of the fact that there was a silent agreement in place that Eddie did not consider Alan to be his Father anymore. That Wayne was his Dad through and through. He wasn’t biologically Wayne’s child and he knew deep down that there would always be this disconnect between what the love of a Father should be and the love Wayne felt for him.

That being said, the love of a Father was something Alan was supposed to feel for him unconditionally and he didn't. There was a disconnect there too and Wayne had meant to use it to explain how much he loved Eddie. To point out that if Alan didn’t love him in the way he was supposed to, that there was this dissonance that wasn’t supposed to be there, as if Eddie wasn’t his son; then Eddie’s own logic was flawed and Wayne himself could love Eddie as much as he could his own son.

He had really only succeeded in pointing out to Eddie that Alan was one of the two people in the world that were supposed to love him wholly and unconditionally and he didn’t.

Wayne had accidently pointed out that Eddie was fundamentally unlovable. 

Even to his parents.

The realization had hurt him deeply. Wounded him worse than he cared to admit.

He had believed whole-heartedly until he met Karmen. Until he’d chanced upon someone that had taken the time to show him what being loved actually felt like.

Now he didn’t just struggle to feel like he was worth loving but also to comprehend that she thought he was as well. That she wanted to spend her time with him and it wasn’t simply out of obligation that she did so.

That she went out of her way to spend time with him and on him in ways no one ever had before.

She was for all intents and purposes the only person that ever truly loved him and he was so grateful for every second of her attention that he was allowed to have and savor. Every small drip of her affection that he could squeeze from her until she decided that it was enough. 

That he was too much and she was done.

Eddie opened his eyes abruptly. Shocking his brain into forgetting his train of thought by forcing himself to take in his surroundings without warning it first. A trick he’d learnt when he was younger and plagued by persistent nightmares.

It didn’t work so well for nightmares now. He couldn’t wake himself anymore like he used to be able to when he was a kid. But it still helped to dispel the negative thoughts in a moment when he shouldn't be or perhaps couldn’t afford to be thinking them.

“You okay?” Karmen asked from her place beside the bath. At some point she had stopped consistently scooping water onto his torso and sat back on her seat to watch him relax and wait for him to ask to get out. She had thought he was asleep and was about to take away the whole hand towel and rewarm it in the water when his eyes had shot open and he had stared at the end of the bath for a long moment without speaking.

He’d startled her but she didn’t show it. She wondered what he had been thinking about.

Eddie nodded without looking up at her. Her hands moving into his view as she peeled the wet cloth down from his chest and dunked it in the water by his side before replacing it. The heat of the towel against his chest calmed his racing heart as he exhaled a slow breath and let his eyes flutter closed again.

Yeah.

He was okay.

~~

More Notes: I don't mean to make Eddie seem childlike. He is struggling with trying to understand what it means to be loved and that brings up a lot of feelings about the things he should have had in his childhood and in a way, how he is realizing her can still experience them now for the first time as an adult and with work, be okay with that. Because he can't go back and change how he grew up or make his parents love him. So he will settle for experiencing these things at all. Even if it means they are filtered through an adult lens that he wouldn't have liked or wanted to be there when he was a kid. I hope that makes sense.

Read the rest of the series here :)

This series is so personal to me, so it means the world to me when someone let’s me know they enjoy a work from this series. If you guys liked this please pleaseee consider letting me know via comment, reblog, message, anon ask etc.  

Tags: @3ddi3-daydreamer @micheledawn1975 @munson-blurbs @wheels-of-despair @browneyes528 @stevemunsons

[girlfromflor]

SLYTHERIN BOYS AS band members.

Mattheo Riddle - DRUMMER.

he always loved to tap his fingers anywhere, out of boredom or simply to past time

he also used to do pen spinning, like A LOT - he learned a lot of tricks while waiting for time to past in detention

so starting as drummer in the band was the best idea ever

he does a lot of tricks with the sticks, he loves the attention

he likes to be very “aggressive” while playing, so a lot of physical movements

he doesn’t really like to help out with vocals, but does it when necessary

Theodore Nott - VOCALIST.

as someone who loved singing anytime he could, being vocalist suited him well

he doesn’t write the lyrics all alone, but since he was the main vocal he likes to train songwriting a lot

he does know how to play guitar and sometimes he plays it when the song has more than two guitars, but doesn’t really like to do it and sing at the same time

the only other instrument he actually likes to play while singing is keyboard, which is really helpful since they like to put it in a lot of songs

he likes to play a lot with the timing of his vocals, so expect a lot of different melodies in live performances

a huge fan of walking around the stage while singing too

Blaise Zabini - BASSIST.

probably started off as a cello player as a kid, but grew founder of bass with the hype of being in a band and all the fuss that came with it

he works a lot with mattheo on the musics’ basic melodies

he writes most of the songs they play, having some help from the others

likes to do solos most, since people underestimate his abilities and overlook the other members

he helps with backing vocals, especially in the early stages of practicing a new song since he is the first to memorize the lyrics 

he’s veryyyy chill, almost doesn’t move around while playing

Lorenzo Berkshire -  RHYTHM GUITARIST.

fun fact: contrary to popular belief, he had to practice really hard playing electric guitar since he was used to playing acoustic since he first learned it

once he got the hang of it there’s no way of stopping him, he is absolutely confident that he’s the best he could be

his confidence helps with his stage presence, which is why he gets all the girls swooning over him

he doesn't really like solos, and that’s the main reason why he didn’t accept the lead guitarist position, but he profoundly relishes in harmonizing with other guitars in the song

he likes to play side by side with whoever else is near him in live performances, he will walk towards the closest boy to play and vibe - especially when harmonizing with the lead guitar

someone once told him to grow his nails out so he wouldn’t have to use a plectrum and his immediate answer was “are you mad??? such a loony”

Draco Malfoy - LEAD GUITARIST.

he always been a rock band enthusiastic, actually this whole idea was his all along

he started as covering his favorite songs on his electric guitar - the one he received from his father as a birthday gift

and as soon as he realized theo could sing he immediately asked for him to sing while he played and then he brought the others with time - and with a lot of convincing mattheo

so he likes helping with vocals, he really likes it

but his favorite thing is when the guitar does the intro to the song

he loves to play along with enzo’s exaggerated self and put on a show while harmonizing in live performances

[mercuriians]

can't remember to forget you

content warning — some profanity, mentions of alcohol, references to terminal illness. reader’s last name is mentioned once for plot purposes later on.

author’s note — HI YALL 🥴 this is totally unedited & i wrote this at 12am. i just wanted to get this out as quickly as possible so bare with me. as a fair warning there is a LOT to unpack with the reader’s backstory, and to be honest 90% of this fic is literally just you brooding over kenji LMAO 😭. this is basically just an experiment so if u guys like this plz let me know so i can write a follow up!!

you really have no idea as to how such an important piece of information slipped your mind. two of japan's most recent superstar athletes were returning home at the exact same time. it would've brought a smile to your face in any other situation. if only those two athletes hadn't been you and him. kenji.

it's been years since you two have spoken. well, those years were spent productively, with both of you dedicating much-needed time towards your respective sports. he rocked the baseball field. you shone on the basketball court. but at the end of the day, behind all the sweat and arena lights and post-game interviews, there was a sharp pain that remained unresolved at the back of your mind. the last memory you have of kenji is still freshly imprinted. you had been at his house, and having recently heard the devastating news of your mother being terribly ill, you had come to him seeking comfort. little did you know that he was hurting too, with another fight having just happened between him and his father.

there was so much going on at the time, so much to worry about and so much pain in general, that all the pent-up feelings between you two had burst within one crucial moment. he kissed you, and you kissed back. clothes came off. you ended up in his bed. for a while it had felt like heaven because yes, it distracted you from the worry that consumed you from the inside out, but it had also made your most secretive wishes come to fruition.

until that moment, only you had known how deeply and utterly in love you were with kenji, and how strongly those feelings had grown since you two were fourteen.

there was nothing else that could have made you happier. even now, you remember the feeling of his strong arms around you, the feeling of his mouth against yours. the way your name rolled off his tongue so smoothly, so adoringly, as he whispered it into your ear. the way he hugged you so firmly after you two made love, as if he was afraid that you would disappear.

but then you also remember how something in him changed only a few seconds later. how the atmosphere grew dark the moment he pushed you off and told you to leave without even looking you in the eye. there's a part of you that wants to think kenji didn't mean to hurt you the way he did. it's the more naive, more hopeful part of yourself, spinning stories of how he actually didn't want you to leave, and he just said it because he didn't know how to cope with his own feelings. ultimately, it's all wishful thinking, borne out of a desire to believe that he maybe did really love you.

kenji broke your heart that night, and right now, even as you board the plane headed to tokyo, even as you put on a smile and sign an autograph for a starstruck fan, you admit that not a single thing has changed. you're still holding onto the past, and you hate yourself for it. especially when you realize that kenji probably moved on a long time ago.

"you alright?" your agent, himari, asks when you two sit down. she's one of the sweetest people ever, and you really don't want to lie to her because of the guilt that you know you'll feel. you meet her hazel eyes. you open your mouth to respond.

"yeah, i'm fine," you smile.

damn it.

as the plane takes off, you do your best to remove kenji from your mind, if only for a little while. perhaps inevitably, you start thinking about the very reason you've decided to finally come home. exactly two nights ago, there was a dream you had while you were sleeping. it was vivid in its entirety, and there was fire and people screaming and something very, very big in the distance, in front of what seemed like a sports arena. conveniently enough, there was some sort of fog surrounding the mysterious figure, but you didn't need to see it to know what it actually was. a kaiju.

you remember the words your mother told you before she passed away. it was an extremely painful memory, and really there was nothing in the world that could have encapsulated how helpless you felt when you saw her frail figure. she used to be so strong, so lively with everything she did and said. it took you a while to recognize the woman that laid in the hospital bed. however even with the tears that had stung your vision at the time, you heard the very last traces of her resolve within the very last words she said to you.

"when you're old enough, i want you to start what i couldn't. . to protect the world with the gift i'll give you. please. . just remember that i love you, and that it's worth giving things a second chance."

as you stare out of the plane window, watching the world pass by below you, the clouds mix together and blur into a white haze. a moment later, you realize that tears are threatening to fall from your eyes. you wipe them away with your sleeve before they have the chance to. i'll do my best, mom, you think, hoping that somehow she can hear you. i don't know where or how i'll start, but i will.

there's a lot of things waiting for you in japan, and you're not entirely sure if you're ready. but at the end of the day, it's your home, and you know deep within your heart that you'll do anything to protect it. sliding your sunglasses onto your face, you close your eyes and try to get some rest before the plane lands.

around twelve hours later, tokyo is there to greet you in all its glory. it's night time, but the way the city lights contrast so beautifully against the sky's inky blue-black canvas is more than enough to bring a smile to your face. "we're home, himari," you say to the woman next to you.

"we are, indeed," she breathes out.

“man, not even los angeles can compete against this,” you chuckle lightly. your words carry quite a lot of weight to them, especially considering how you were completely and utterly starstruck for the first couple of weeks you were in california. there’s a reason so many movies were filmed there. yet, tokyo remains on another level, still reigning as the undefeated champion.

fine. maybe you’re a little biased.

however, your smile fades away when you realize that the probability of seeing him—kenji—is at an all time high. chances are, he’s already here. waiting for you.

stop that.

you shrug off the thought, reminding yourself that he had probably moved on years ago. there was no use in entertaining an idea that had been burnt out for a long time. the only person that would end up being hurt would be yourself—and speaking from experience, emotional distress was a lot different than physical. physical pain you could handle. as a basketball star, you were pretty accustomed to them by now. ankle sprains, muscle cramps, even that torn acl from a year ago, which had hurt like an absolute bitch.

emotional pain was entirely different territory. and it was territory that you were not willing to cross. not again.

god, you were such a mess. maybe indulging in a momentary distraction wouldn’t hurt.

“hey, himari, you wanna know what i’m cravin’ right now?” you ask, a false smile creeping onto your face. the woman in question gives you a wary look, brows slightly scrunched together as if she already knows what you’re going to say.

“a good night’s rest before your interview tomorrow?” she asks flatly.

you shake your head. “alcohol. lots of it.”

“ms. matsuda, i don’t think that’s a smart decision—”

waving her off, you protest, “just for tonight, i promise. we’re back home and i wanna celebrate. and how many times have i told you to call me by my first name?”

himari stares at you for a few moments before lowering her head and heaving a sigh. “fine. . [name]. please take care of yourself out there. and be prepared—i’m sure quite a lot of people will recognize you when you walk into the bar.”

you smile in triumph, holding up your sunglasses. “i’ve got that covered. sure, having these on at night are a little weird, but i’ll just pass it off as the new trend.”

your agent gives you another slightly concerned look before bidding you a good night. and with that, you start walking to the nearest bar. it’s small, inconspicuous, and lit up with only one neon sign. all good indicators that there’s probably not a lot of people in there. you walk in, head held high, without any trouble. your footsteps are light and unhurried against the wooden floor as your eyes quickly scan the environment—eleven or twelve people, give or take, two bartenders, a potted plant over by the corner. and a vacant stool at the far end. perfect.

sliding into the seat, you drum your fingers on the freshly cleaned counter as you decide on what to order. “the denki bran looks good, think i’ll get that,” you mutter to yourself.

you feel someone take the stool next to you, but you don’t pay it much mind. at least until they reply to your words. “yeah, it is good. pretty bold choice, though.”

your mouth drops open.

you hear the person next to you snicker quietly.

the snail-esque speed at which you turn your head would have been comical if it had been any other situation. however, it’s anything but funny when your heart jumps into your throat, when your eyes widen with pure and unadulterated shock as they meet those of familiar gunmetal gray bordering on black.

kenji gives you a sharp grin that’s only a little bit sheepish. “nice to see you again, ace.”

[lees-chaotic-brain]

i need an angst to fluff inumaki x reader fanfic based on the song 'daylight' by taylor swift ASAP (no rocky OR stayc OR newjeans).

"And I can still see it all (In my mind)

All of you, all of me (Intertwined)

I once believed love would be (Black and white)

But it's golden (Golden)"

LIKE ACTUALLY PLEASE 🙏

the song's basically about the struggles taylor went through in her past relationships and begins to doubt she'll ever find pure love until she finally meets the man that brightens her life and shows her what true love really is.

the reader could've went through an abusive relationship in the past and guarded herself up even after she met inumaki until she gets to know him better and opens her heart to him KFYDORNEFH. inumaki and the reader could have like sentimental moment together where the reader finally opens up about her past relationship that caused her to become the person she is now and inumaki could bring up his insecurities of his cursed speech and how it's affected his life dealing with bullying, unrequited love, etc.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 🙏

summary: after an abusive relationship you don't believe you're ready to love again, but then Inumaki Toge entered your life like a ray of sunshine breaking through the storm clouds...

cw: abusive relationship, abusive ex, emotional abuse, mentions of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, toxic relationship, implied sa if you squint, self doubt, FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF, growing old together

word count: 1.6k

note: i'm so sorry this took so long! a lot of things happened irl, plus i really wanted to do this request justice! also a quick disclaimer: not all abusive relationships look the same! the abusive ex in this fic is basically a mix of my and my best friends exes, so it strongly reflects my, as well as her, own personal experiences! please don't read this if abusive past relationships trigger you in any way, shape or form. take care of yourselves, i love you all <3

listen to this while reading!

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You hadn’t exactly been the luckiest when it came to love. Your first relationship lasted all of a month, the two of you parting amicably after realizing you were better off as friends. Your second relationship had lasted a little longer, before fizzling out due to him moving away. 

But compared to your third and most recent relationship, all of your previous ones looked like fairy tales. At the time, you hadn’t realized how toxic he was due to his nature. There was nothing dramatic about the abuse, nothing like the obvious and exaggerated examples you saw in the media.

It had started small, but quickly escalated into manipulation and toxicity. Going into the relationship you were confident in yourself and your ability to set and maintain boundaries. But as time went by you found yourself being talked into doing things you weren’t comfortable with, or didn’t want to do. 

You tried to convince yourself that you had wanted it as much as he had at the moment, so it wasn’t his fault, and that going forwards you would be more firm. Then the emotional manipulation started.

He would treat you like you were nothing more than a shit stain on the sidewalk, call you names, accuse you of cheating and only using him for his body. But just as you hit your breaking point he would swoop in and love bomb you.

The vicious cycle continued, and when your friends told you it was unhealthy, and that you should break up with him, you told them that you couldn’t. That you loved him and he made you happy.

And it was true.

He would beat you down until you hit rock bottom, break you until you were numb, but during the moments when he doted on you and told you how much he loved you, the high his love gave you was like no other. Looking back on it you could see that it was manipulative and abusive, but at the time you lived for those moments.

Even at the end, you couldn’t help but love him as he spat names full of vitriol at you. You told him you loved him, that you would be a better partner, and were left heartbroken when he broke up with you. 

A couple of weeks passed, and after the heartbreak faded, your mind began to clear and you felt as if you were thinking rationally for the first time in years. Hindsight is always 20/20 and yours was no exception. Looking back, the red flags were clear, and you had no idea why you stayed with him for so long. 

It was probably because you refused to see him as anything other than a good person who loved you, and that scared you. Clearly you were a terrible judge of character, and if you wanted to avoid getting hurt again you couldn’t trust yourself.

If you couldn’t trust yourself, there was no way for you to trust others. So you went through life alone. At least, you went through life alone until you met him.

Inumaki came into your life like the ray of warm sunshine that caresses your face after the storm clouds dissipate. 

After struggling to find the motivation to go about your life for months, you had thrown yourself back into your schoolwork. So when Inumaki Toge was assigned to you as your partner for the paper you had to write, you pointedly ignored the fact that he was extremely attractive and got to work.

As the research paper progressed, the two of you became closer, and even started looking forwards to your meetings at your local cafe. He was struck by how kind and dedicated you were; how you didn’t look down on him for being unable to speak. It was really nice to be treated as an equal.

You were struck by how funny and caring he was, and just how much you were beginning to enjoy spending time with him. It was terrifying.

Just months ago you had promised yourself that you would never fall in love again, that you couldn’t trust yourself to not jump headfirst into another abusive relationship, but here you were, falling in love once again. And it wasn’t like a little crush or anything. You fell, and you fell hard.

He consumed your every waking thought, from his mischievous little smiles to his gorgeous purple eyes, to the kindness he showed your underclassmen. You found yourself hyper analyzing every one of your interactions with him, searching for any red flags, desperately hoping to find something that proved he wouldn’t be good for you.

Because at the end of the day, you weren’t just scared to get into a relationship for fear of another abusive partner. You also feared opening yourself up to love again and getting your heart broken again.

Every logical, rational part of you knew that it wasn’t a good idea, that you shouldn’t date again, but then again, every emotional, instinctual part of you screamed that something about Inumaki Toge was right.

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you

A month flew by, and the deadline for your paper came and went. Without ever speaking about it or formally agreeing to, the two of you continued to meet up, except now it was to hang out, not to work. Coffee dates, trips to the local museums and aquariums, exploring local small business restaurants, whatever you had the time and funds to do you did, enjoying the time spent savoring each other’s presence. 

It had taken time, and a lot of proof that he was nothing like your ex, but you had finally gotten to the point where you were ready to move on, to trust. To place your heart in the hands of another, even if it meant leaving you vulnerable again. And a big part of that was due to the gentle kindness and patience he showed you.

Nothing about the relationship the two of you shared was the stuff of romantic dramas, with their dramatic confessions, sweeping declarations of love, and passionate gestures. Instead your romance was quiet. It was easy. And most of all it was completely reciprocated. 

There was no defining moment where the two of you stepped across the line separating friends for lovers. It was more like the two of you were on a peaceful journey, only noticing days after that you crossed it. The line between friends and lover merely blurred, until one rainy day while the two of you were camped out in your bedroom the two of you decided you were “officially” dating.

But putting a label on it hadn’t changed anything. If anything, the label was only there so you could continue doing what you had been. And if that meant picturing a future that involved marriage and growing old with him, well that wasn’t anyone’s business, now was it?

And I can still see it all (In my mind) All of you, all of me (Intertwined)

Now, half a century later you sit on your porch, quietly rocking on a swing as you watch the sun rise, daylight slowly spilling across the sky. The glow of youth had long left your features, skin sagging under the weight of the joy in your smiles, joints and bones creaking from a lifetime of adventures. 

And sitting there on your porch, the swing creaking rhythmically as you sit beside the love of your life you think about your ex-boyfriend for the first time in decades. Looking back, you can’t even fathom how different your future was than you predicted.

Before you met Toge, you had resigned yourself to growing old alone, obviously having friends by your side, but going through life without a romantic partner. At that point in your life, you believed that love was more trouble than it was worth, that it only brought hurt and you would never find someone who would make you feel like the main character in a romance novel.

But then Toge came along, and it was nothing like the romances. It was soft, gradual; rather like the sunrise in front of you, slowly extending its syrupy warmth across the inky expanse of the morning sky. His love wasn’t dramatic or invasive, but it was comforting, warm, and all-consuming. His love filled you like the first sip of tea on a cold winter day, spreading across your chest and reaching into your limbs, chasing away the cold nip of the air.

His love was like daylight, spreading across the dawn sky, lighting up everything it touched bringing color and life to all. A gentle squeeze on your hand drew you out of your thoughts, and you turned to look at him.

His once bright silver hair had been reduced to a dull gray, and the crisp lines of his seal stretched and sagging across his cheeks. But his violet eyes were as bright as the day you met, and it seemed the love in them only grew daily. Clutching his liver spotted hand in your own, skin papery thin and liver spotted, you basked in the combined glow of your shared love and smiled.

“Hey Toge? I love you?”

He merely smiled and planted a loud kiss on your cheek, not needing to say anything in response.

After all, why would you need words when your love is as permanent and sure as the sun rising in the east each morning?

I once believed love would be (Black and white) But it's golden (Golden)

general taglist: @arlerts-angel @ponderingmoonlight @hotvinimon

jjk taglist: @m0k0k0 @starlightanyaaa

inumaki taglist: @stopshakingplz @hugsforjungwon

[itsgrimeytime]

Scratch That Itch || Rick Grimes (TWD)

Available on AO3

Summary: Honestly, you weren't sure how it started. It wasn't a competition, at least you didn't think it was. There'd been something between you and Rick, something that people couldn't quite label. And maybe you batted your eyes the first time, and maybe he smirked the second. Either way, this was getting out of hand.

TWS: suggestive AF, FLIRTY, TENSION, innuendos, pregnancy mention (Maggie is pregnant in this one), violence, blood, mentions of guns, the undead, all things TWD.

[[A/N: Basically a 5 plus one. just wanted to establish how dumb it was that no one absolutely dived for this man. I think he'd be flattered, personally, if you took every chance you could to hit on him. Also FUCK the horror part of this show, Alexandria is paradise and Negan is not allowed. Thanks for your time !!! So, here's what I'd picture would play out. Enjoy!!]]

The first time you remember it happening was just a slip of the tongue. Or that's what you said anyway.

You'd known Rick for a while at that point; the group had picked you up somewhere after the prison falling -you'd been holed up in a shack for probably a year.

And fuck, you knew Rick Grimes was handsome. Everyone under the sun knew that (all broad shoulders and baby blues, his voice-), and you thought you'd gotten a hold of the reigns -at least enough for decency. Sure, you stared at him for way too long a lot of the time, and had been noticed by several people -including Rick. ("You've got something... uh, on your face," you scrambled, and honestly you'd never been more mortified in your life-)

It wasn't the first time it happened, looking back on it, but you couldn't quite picture earlier. He'd been too suave for it to be the first time and maybe he was just that suave, but you kind of hoped it wasn't you that started it. So, you'd live in your delusion.

You were tired, exhausted really. The past few days you couldn't sleep, mostly because you felt unsafe in Alexandria -it was all so new that it gave you a sense of unease. You, naturally, went on every run available to feel that burst of adrenaline that felt so familiar -killing walkers was what you knew.

After Rick caught up with your plans, he'd made you stay. That didn't mean you were sleeping though.

Hence the current you sat at a table in a meeting of such, he'd liked to have these every once in a while -establish the plans and how he was running Alexandria. Rick was nothing if not connected to his people. It was honorable if there was such a thing in the apocalypse.

You think it was Carol, maybe, who'd said it. Referring to the resources, you'd come to learn. Apparently, Rick had been planning too much -maybe they were talking about bullets, food? You really didn't know.

"We can't keep up with you-" she was so earnest, you should've known that it was more of a pressing issue, but instead, your brain running on day (four...?) of no sleep had... other connotations.

"Oh, I'm sure I could."

You thanked whatever god was left above that Carl was out on a run with Glenn that morning. Everyone else? You weren't so lucky.

It wasn't like you could pass it off as not... what it was. Your tone was perfectly readable, slurred actually from sleep which, in retrospect, only added to the... interpretation.

You hadn't even realized you said it, so far off in whatever fuzzy reality you were currently in to notice you'd spoken. Until, Maggie who was somewhere near the back burst into laughter -cutting it short by holding it back, but the break of noise was still there.

There was something that acknowledged the embarrassment, the silence and laughter only registering after a few heavy seconds. To say you were more awake than you had been in weeks was an understatement -your eyes felt pried open with a bundle of nerves sinking deep into your stomach. You might throw up.

Talk about mortifying.

You felt frozen in your seat, hesitating to make even a single move like he couldn't see that your eyes, once heavily lidded, were now open -detailing the woodwork like your life depended on it, but still awake.

And then, after a few agonizing seconds, the voice you had dreaded spoke up. Normally, you wouldn't have noticed. Trying to find an escape route from at least this room, the grand scheme would be leaving Alexandria but that was-

There was a calloused fingertip underneath your chin, guiding you to meet his eyes -amused in a way you hadn't seen before. His mouth had to be maybe an inch from yours -breaths mingling and his lips turning into a smirk, you willed yourself not to look.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, sweetheart."

The silence was even louder after that, nobody making a move like what was happening at this moment like it was a dream. It could definitely be a dream, you thought to yourself -eyes dipping to his lips in a moment of weakness.

Then, Daryl yelled, "Get a room, nobody wants to see 'at."

And Rick had laughed in a sort of crooked way, his smirk seamlessly budding into a grin. Without so much as a blink, he moved his finger and addressed Carol like nothing had happened.

There was something petty in you because you had taken that as a challenge. Well, you would when you could think straight again.

The next time was more casual, more natural. You'd always been attracted to Rick, but since then you felt so open to it like you'd crossed a boundary and he had... well, he had done what he did.

You still couldn't think about it too hard or your brain would turn to sludge.

You had the running theory that if you were fully present in the... flirting game? Was it a game? You didn't feel like it was, but then again, you had gotten competitive of all things.

Didn't matter, your theory was if you were more present, he'd been more affected. It's one thing to have a half-asleep person flirting with you, and another if it's a fully awake person. You were hoping to plan it out, get exactly the right words to say -it was going to be perfectly crafted to get a reaction out of Rick Grimes.

But, it didn't end up that way.

You were folding clothes, which was a bit of hell within itself but you were helping Maggie -she made it much more bearable. Even though just about every few minutes, she'd remind you of your... incident.

It was all in good fun, she was always giggling and teasing in a sister sort of way. You found yourself close to her pretty much as soon as you'd met her -catching her eye lingering on Glenn for a few seconds too long. They were well-established at that point, but you'd found an interest there in the budding... romance.

After she'd lost so much, your connection was nice, fresh, and easy in the apocalypse. It was light and airy when it needed to be, and strongly protective otherwise.

You'd threatened Glenn pretty much immediately after you met him -something about 'you hurt her and I'll grind your bones into paste'. It was in a joking tone, but he took it as you intended. (He'd grinned at you afterward, saying something about you fitting right in. Needless to say, you didn't get the desired effect.)

So, you sat -carefully detailing the piles as you worked through them, Glenn, Maggie, and a tiny pile of onesies. You smiled at it, as it continued to grow, and the conversation was easy to be in -nothing too substantial, just casual topics.

"Saw Glenn the other day," you remarked, remembering the deadly cold stare he'd passed onto some of the Alexandrians -Daryl falling close behind, "-you got lucky, Mags."

Maggie laughed, bright and loud -her face was somehow glowing, you guessed pregnancy would do that to you, "I know, he's... He's amazing."

"Hey, don't start on the ooey-gooey 'I found my soulmate in the apocalypse' shit," you groaned -you loved her, really you did, but with your mortification... you were truly going to die alone.

Maggie huffed, elbowing into your side, "You started it."

"Well, I wanted to talk about-" the door to Maggie and Glenn's swung open, revealing a Rick who'd just got done working -sweat on his brow and dirt on his jeans, "-something... different."

She, on the other hand, was acting completely natural, "We could get into those things if you want, I just figured-"

"Rick, thank god you're here-" you turned to him dramatically -still folding clothes without much extra thought, "-please rescue me from this torture. She's on her Glenn kick-"

He paused before a smooth smile melted upon his lips -you bit back the urge to watch it from there, salt and pepper beard stretched along his mouth, "When is she not on a Glenn kick?"

"You're not helping," you sighed, retorting with a passive playfulness, "-you're supposed to give me an out, you know. Save the day, isn't that what gentlemen do?"

Maggie spoke up, in agreement, "That's what gentlemen do."

Rick was staring at you, eyes flickering along your face and then settling on your hands. You were in your own space, carefully placing each fabric in as nice of a stack as possible -fingers swift and practiced. You could still feel it though.

His eyes heavy on every motion -following you like you were a shooting star in the sky, a sight to be seen. Jaw twitched, licking a line against his teeth, as a grin peeked up then, and you knew you were in for it.

"Well," he sighed, leaning against the doorframe casually as if the words were as true as the sun rising in the morning, "-I can think of a few better things to do wit' your hands."

You startled, the shirt (clearly Glenn's if the bright graphic had anything to say) held up in front of you -tips of your fingers tight on the fabric, almost too tight. Exhaling a breath, as you wordlessly stared at the shirt in front of you, you vowed to yourself you wouldn't freeze again. And somewhere deep in your head, your competitiveness sparked up in a single flame.

With the casual speed of folding the shirt, you wordlessly placed it into Glenn's pile -it was teetering dangerously, but you couldn't find it in yourself to care, and stood.

Your steps were slow, deliberate, and despite the flurry of thoughts in your mind, you were clear-headed.

"What," you spoke, it was low and breathy (but there was no need to be loud, he was right in front of you, "-these?"

Rick hadn't spoken, as you wordlessly traced your nails across his arms, not enough to scratch -watching as the goosebumps lay in their wake. His flannel was rolled up to his elbows, and the skin there was golden from the sun -muscle underneath your fingertips, detailed and extensive.

His breath hitched, and you grinned, biting it back at the success on your side -a familiar buzz tossing your stomach in a pleasant sort of way. It spurred you on further.

"What did you have in mind, Grimes?" you were a breath away now, breath mingling and your fingers still absently tracing his skin -eyes intently locked on his.

Rick's face was still, except for the tiniest twitch of his nose -eyes clouded with something you hadn't quite grasped. It was intense and heavy, left a sort of burning on your skin -you felt a sort of flush there, but ignored it in favor of-

His eyes flicked to your lips, it was a languid gaze like he was watching the puffs of breaths. He was certainly not ashamed, eyes focused and for a second, you truly thought... maybe this wasn't a game. Maybe he would break then, and kiss you with a fever that you'd felt in the air. His own hands-

"Ahem," Maggie cleared her throat, "-as much as I enjoy this, really I do. I've got laundry that needs foldin'."

Before Rick could even blink out of his stupor, you'd smiled -wide and bright, "Rick will help you, won't you?"

He blinked, seeming to filter through the heavy fog, "I was actually lookin' for Glenn-"

"Don't worry," you hummed, still barely a breath away from him -voice low and eyes heavy, "-I'm sure he'll understand. Everyone gets distracted, right?"

Rick was hanging onto your words, eyes shining in a kind of way that made you itch to touch him -breathy and on the edge of something, "Right."

"Good," you grinned, patting his cheek -much like an aunt at Thanksgiving, a bit condescending. Simply, leaving him as he was, and stepping back -you could hear him mutter something not very gentlemanly.

Glancing towards Maggie, you spoke casually -remaining as unaffected to the naked eye, "Let me know if you need anything else, Mags."

Maggie rolled her eyes, patting the bed for Rick to sit, and Rick well, he was grinning at you -eyes light and smiley. But the smooth smirk that gathered at his lips said all it needed to: game on.

Count that as a point for you.

The next time was a bit more of a mixed bag, you'd done something stupid. An extra run, you'd gone out on your own and you were fine. Just a few cuts and bruises, some blood (not yours) encrusted into your skin.

But you were exhausted by the time you approached the Alexandria gate -feet dragging, and hands aching to reach your own home for a hot shower. Anything really to soothe the pain in your back, you'd fallen, not far. You doubted anything was broken, but you knew it'd bruise -big and purple. You just figured you'd ask around and get a heating pad to sleep on until further notice.

One night would be fine.

What you hadn't accounted for was Gabriel watching as you left and watching you sneak back in. Nor had you accounted for just who he would tell.

"What the hell-" Rick's tone was low, not loud enough to wake anyone -as he faced you in the streets, "-were you thinking?"

You didn't ask how he'd known, you figured at that point it was pointless, "I wasn't. I know, it's stupid. Look, it's nothing major. I'll just deal with it in the morn-"

There was a shuffling in the nearby houses, and you both froze in place -air rushing from your mouth in a worried heap. Waiting for a light to switch on, or a door to open, anything-

After a few seconds, nothing echoed in the silence, and you opened your mouth to continue.

But, Rick -gruff and almost a growl (it made the hair stand up on your arms), interrupted, "Not here."

Your mind was in a fuzz, as his hand wrapped around your wrist (long, calloused fingers-) guiding you among the barely lit streets. The sound of walkers was distant in the night, and with your heart beating so loud in your chest -you had a spare thought to wonder if he could hear it.

With a dazed glance, you realized that Rick was leading you to your home -a tiny piece of you was crushed at the notion of not being in his home, but with Judith so young... it made sense. Your fingers dragged briefly along the familiar splintered wood, where you'd carved out initials of some people you once knew.

The thought passed quickly, as he pulled you inside -only stopping to shut the door and guide you further. There was a spark in your mind at the idea that maybe he'd guide you somewhere more private for different reasons than to cuss you out in the early morning hours, you stopped the thought process before it could get much farther.

"What-" you began, eager for an explanation, and he simply shushed you -not even turning back, he was so focused on his destination.

You'd tried to be offended, but the sudden turn into your bedroom cut the thought short. His fingers still closed around your wrist, you wondered again if he could feel it -bumping against his skin. Loud and nervous, because of him-

And then wondering, what would he do if he did?

Before you could put too much into that discussion, he turned into your bathroom. It wasn't exactly small, but Rick (in his broad shoulder and leader stance glory) had to squish up against you. Even slightly, the buzz of his body warmth against yours sent a zip up your spine that made you incredibly aware of the... Rick around you.

Woodsy smell, and calloused fingertips, you almost spoke -on instinct, trying to cool the fog of your brain. Regain anything but the overwhelming sense of salty sweat and heavy worry delicate wrapped around you. And yet-

He spoke then, simple, direct, "Up."

At first, you hadn't known what he meant, standing in the bathroom -merely noticing how close his chest would get to yours when he breathed in, until your fingertips brushed upon the countertops of your sink.

Oh.

Your body had a mind of it's own, extending your arms outward as Rick lifted you. And even just for the sole second you stayed in his arms -flannel fabric rubbing against your side, and fingers curled under your arms, you felt a sort of bliss.

Rick was in no such state, stepping back from you with a hand reached out (making sure you were steady in your place) and all at once giving you a look over. You truly didn't know how you looked, the bruise blossoming on your back was the only thing that was causing an ache right now. You thoroughly doubted he could see that.

And a few other scratches on your face maybe? And your shoulders? It was a bit blurry now. You seemed to remember the scraping of nails, and a sting following suit.

Rick's face stayed unmoving, blue eyes flickering in the low light -brief across your skin but it still felt quite vulnerable. Broken open in front of eyes that kept looking at you -intent and focused; you kind of wanted to shrink into yourself, disguise from them.

He didn't let up, eyes heavy on the task at hand -a sort of determination set in his jaw, "First aid?"

"Yeah, uh-" you cleared your throat, tightening your fingers on the counter -a spare thought almost had you skimming through his hair, "-it should be in the cabinet. It's the same one that was here when we arrived, is that-"

"'s fine," he interrupted, swiftly pulling the tiny case out of the cabinet -eyes set across a few of the spare scratches, "-better than nothin'."

He stayed focused, sliding between your legs -urging your chin up with the tiniest of touches, and using the motion to look at some of your scrapes. Your head was swimming in a sort of fuzz, following the motion like you were boneless -maybe you were.

"They aren't that bad," you tried to urge, sinking into the intimacy of having someone care for you -it was probably the first time it'd happened to you without asking.

Rick hummed, carefully wiping at one on your forehead -the most tender of touches with calloused fingertips (the contradiction making your head spin), "And that means what?"

You faltered, "Well, we shouldn't waste resources on-"

"I've got plenty of bandages," he answered, concisely, "-if someone needs some, tell 'em to come to me."

"Rick, I can't ask you to do that," you relented, unfamiliar with this energy in such a vulnerable position -when you felt like this, you'd been batting eyelashes and he'd do that smirk that made you forget what you were saying. It wasn't... it wasn't this. The tenderness in his hands, and the act of it being so natural to him, not a bother.

"Ya didn't," he answered, simply, hands wiping away at your skin so gently you almost leaned into it. The urge to let him hold you like putty, let him care for you, he clearly knew how-

You chose not to speak then, eyes dashing along his face -following the crinkles, and a few blemishes. You were close enough to memorize them, you might as well. The thoughts of wondrously connecting them on his face, brushing your hands along -it was something that you hadn't thought of.

You wouldn't let yourself.

"Why are you doing this?"

Rick paused in his motions, eyes littering down to yours -trying to read the look on your face. He exhaled, heavily, and took a few steps back -it cleared your head a bit, the smell of Rick just a tad less overwhelming all your senses. (You kind of missed it.)

"Can I ask you somethin'?" he questioned, tossing what he could in the tiny trashcan without much semblance of thought towards it.

You stiffened at the shift of tone, retorting with a tight smile, "I thought I just did, but uh... yeah."

"This," his finger flicked between the two of you -your eyes followed it with an embarrassing fervor, "-it's... What is it to you?"

If he'd asked yesterday, you would've answered much differently. Not that you hadn't felt... this, it was just a much different perspective. You hadn't thought of this part of it, the protectiveness, the concern, because of course, Rick Grimes was a force to be reckoned with. And if you got... involved, you imagined it extended to you.

"'Could ask you the same question," you deflected, fingers trailing down your arm and messing with your sleeve -it was partially rolled up and you flicked the button between your fingers.

"'Kay," he hummed, stepping closer -in your space just as seamlessly as before but this was more intentional, "-we can do it this way."

Without another word, he grabbed your hand by the wrist -stopping the motion with a heavy sort of look, "Pay attention."

You froze, watching as Rick stood a breath away from you -blue intense in a way you'd become familiar with, but still somehow different. You nodded, wordlessly.

"I'm-" he started, before seeming to scrap it, "There are no conditions with me. If I go anywhere with you, and I mean anywhere-"

Your breath hitched.

"-I'm for everythin'. There's no one thing," Rick continued, seeming to not notice the implications affecting you, "-it's everythin'. Mornings, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and if I can swing it... dates."

You exhaled, your gaze softening on the man -he wasn't shying away, eyes intently on yours. There was a new energy in the air, something softer -not as suffocating on his smirk, but warmer, enveloping you.

"You-" you started, tone shaky in a bit of disbelief, "-everything?"

His hand matched up to yours, fingertips detailing your palms without so much as a look down. Biting back a smile (like you weren't hyperaware of his mouth being so close), he mumbled -low gravel brushing across your skin, "Everythin'."

It took you less than a second to process the words, heart heavy against your ribcage, "Okay."

He blinked, stunned, "You... That was quick, I wasn't expectin'-"

"Rick," you exhaled, a bit breathy at the slightest touch of his hands, "-have you seen yourself?"

He laughed, short but it still sent a pleasant buzz up your spine -his hand rested an inch from your leg on the counter edge. And somehow your mouth kept running at the closeness.

"You're the best man I've ever met," you hummed, more sentimental but still in the rush of his scent and the dizziness of his body warmth, "-although, I'd hope you keep your... promises. I will gladly take anything you offer."

"I'll keep 'em," his voice was low, bubbling something up in your stomach -eyes heavy but something new there, affectionate even, "-I never say anythin' I don't mean. And trust me, I mean it."

You still hadn't crossed that boundary, mere looks and touches that lasted a bit too long -you shivered at the thought. It was building, loud and yelling in your head every time you so much as saw Rick in the corner of your eye. Eyes lingering for much longer than usual, you felt a bit like you were stopped.

Rick was leading, it wasn't that hard to tell -every smooth hand on the small of your back, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, and recently, without so much as a break in the conversation, pulling you into his lap.

There were perfectly good seats, many of them.

And yet, he sat you there -one of his big hands splayed along your side holding you steady and the other rubbing a soothing pattern in your thigh. The brush of his hands still ghosted over you even now, and if you focused hard enough, you could feel the drag of his fingertips on your skin.

Maggie hadn't let it go for weeks. Fuck, you hadn't let it go for weeks.

Maybe that's why you'd been grumpy that morning, the itching of having Rick Grimes's hands on you had set you a bit on edge. The building tension only made your throat close up and your brain sort of lack words, but you'd truly be dead before you'd give up.

You knew Rick was up early, he always was -set to do whatever he had to that day, or even to take care of Judith. Conveniently, though, Maggie had taken Judith that night and Carl had slept over at his new friend's house (Rick had been hard to convince on that front, but his weakness had always been his kids after all).

It was a Saturday, he liked to rest on Saturdays. You knew that because he'd sit out on his porch in the heat, sweat dripping from his face and the top few of his buttons undone to accost for the warmth.

Or, he totally could've known that you watched him like clockwork -eyes heavy on the touch of chest that showed and trailing the sweat down his collarbone. You were sure if you'd gone up to him when he sat like... that, you wouldn't have had such a clear mind.

He had that edge of cockiness now, he would unbutton his shirt just a little bit more to get your head spinning. It was in his character.

Taking a deep breath, you made your way into the neighboring house -the distant puff of sleep on your limbs but your mind had never been clearer. The door was unlocked, as you waltzed into the house -the emptiness was a sort of unfamiliar tone in the house, yet your body moved forward.

You made your way to the door -his bedroom, before you stopped. Your feet froze in place, as you followed the trail of the wood -seeming to realize just what you had done. Running into a man's house, and ending up at his bedroom door... in your pjs.

At the thought, your head swam and a blush of crimson flushed down to your collarbone. Biting your lip harder than you ever had in your life, your eyes lingered over the wood -hesitating to even imagine what was behind that door.

He had a white duvet, they all did.

You groaned, not even noticing the volume level, because it was early and you weren't thinking- and spun on your heel, ready to confront him later. At a more reasonable hour, and more reasonable clothing.

The door creaked open, and something in you stayed frozen to your spot, only halfway spun towards the door. It was obvious, big t-shirt and sweatpants that you had just woken up, and in that bliss, you thought that maybe the shadow hid you in the hallway. It was early enough to cast the world in a sort of darkness -halfway between the sun shining and the cloudy early morning.

And then he chuckled -a sort of warm gravelly tone, "You want some breakfast?"

You opened your mouth to respond, turning back to the door -eyes settling on the man in the frame. His figure seemed somehow towering, more than usual, curls a bit wild -your fingers itched to smooth it down. And he was shirtless, the expanse of his skin making your head flutter in a pleasant sort of way -slight marks of freckles etched across him, and plaid pants hanging low on his waist.

You felt your anger dissipate, despite the urge to hold onto it, sighing, "I... yes."

"Good," his voice was low, sleep-slurred, and you suddenly got the thought this was a very bad idea. His arm wrapped around you -body warm tripled with just skin, as he guided you into the kitchen.

You had beaten this before, the sort of buzz that Rick Grimes put you in, but he had never been so close and shirtless before. The bare skin of his side pressed into you like it was nothing, your mind spun -lucky he was guiding you so swiftly.

"You gonna tell me why you're 'ere?"

He was looking at you now, the kitchen was much brighter -open curtains, and light cabinets. He looked domestic in here, and the kitchen itself seemed like his. A few bowls dirty in the sink, dish towels hanging on the oven, some baby snacks sorted into little baggies, it all screamed Grimes household.

You cleared your throat, "You wanna know?"

"I asked," he smiled, toothy and bright -so warm and fuzzy, "-didn't I?"

"You're not," you paused, trying to coil down the nerves tight in your stomach, "-freaked out that I'm here?"

Rick laughed, somehow getting somewhat closer to you, hands rubbing up and down your arms without much extra thought. Before his face settled into something heavier, affection still high on his face, but something more familiar there.

"Y/N," the smooth upturn of his lips, as he gathered closer to you, his breaths quick despite his demeanor, "-if I had my way you'd be here every night and day."

Your heart was fast in your chest, heavy against your ribs and you thought about it for a second. Waking up here, dinners with Carl and Judith, Rick... everywhere. It wasn't... bad.

It was far from bad.

And that wasn't just Rick, it was everything. A domesticity with Rick that you had come to terms that you'd never get, and yet here it was. Laid beautifully in front of you.

Rick was nervous, you could tell. The shift on his feet, his eyes glazing over your face so intently like he was memorizing every shift but to try and find out what you were thinking. He had always looked at you, you realized.

The amount of that blue shine you'd seen with such intense focus wasn't just this. And he'd always touched you. If danger was present, he'd tug you behind him without a single extra thought. With the gentlest of touches when you were injured, he was sure to help you through it -if not there with you, he'd stick someone he trusted. (Insanely, he'd told Daryl once when they were trying to raid another camp and Daryl would've been immensely useful-) And the smirk, it wasn't new... You'd seen it in banter, he'd make you laugh so hard and he'd make that face like he was smug, like he was proud.

"Y/N?" he asked, a bit scared of the silence, "-Everythin' alright?"

"I-" you started, a bit startled at the revelation but confident in pursuing it, "This was never a competition to you, was it?"

Rick furrowed his eyebrows, reiterating, "I told you-"

"No, no," you interrupted, taking a few dangerous steps forward, "-before that. Before that meeting when I didn't sleep enough... You-"

You couldn't finish it, the word hanging heavy in the air, just on the cusp of your tongue. It would be real then, and you still weren't sure. You couldn't say it, you could just act like it never happened-

"I love you."

And there it was, silencing your train of your thought, as you looked at him with a sort of curiosity. He wasn't looking at you, eyes scrunched closed as he rubbed at his face, embarrassed almost. Like he had never intended to tell you, or never have you find out. Was he... Was he afraid?

"I-" he started, trailing off in a deep sigh, "I never meant for it to be... Shit, this looks so bad. I wasn't trying to convince you to feel the same. I just- It just started. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable-"

"Rick," you tried -but your voice was so quiet.

"I never. Fuck. It wasn't supposed to go this far-"

"Rick-" you urged, louder, but it didn't stop his pacing.

"It just happened, over the years... I couldn't stop it, everythin' just kept adding up. I kept lookin' at you, and I couldn't stop. And then, you were half asleep but you said it- I thought maybe... I just wanted it to be real-"

"Rick," you leaned up, placing your hands on the sides of his face and making him look at you, "-breathe."

He stopped, eyes wide and blue -looking right into yours, and following your whispers of instructions. Trying to keep his brain right here with you, you counted out his breaths and he looked with something you wouldn't have noticed before. But now you did.

"You with me?"

He swallowed, nervous, "Yes, but-"

And without a second thought, you pushed forward and put your lips on his. It was a quick motion, a bit frantic, so Rick had to adjust. He originally wasn't responding, still and unmoving against every molecule of your body trying to be close to yours.

Then he did.

Rick was smooth, moving his arms to wrap around your middle (urging you even closer) and dipping into you without much less restraint. Your hands brushed across his stubble and tucked behind his ears, twirled up in his curls like it would keep you grounded. And maybe it was. The simple press had evolved, a sort of emotion lingering in the touching skin. You itched to somehow be closer, to ignite that sort of attention everywhere. The sparks were alluring, and all you could think about was more.

Rick was on a different page, pulling back with a grin so bright you'd almost flinched at it. After a few moments of looking, you watched as he slowly leaned forward -your body naturally leaning forward a sort of bliss piercing over your mind.

And then, he swerved.

He pulled his hand out of its position against your back -brushing your stomach as it came to your throat. And then, as gently as a butterfly landing on your finger, he pressed his thumb into your pulse. It was currently crazy, running on the adrenaline of showing up here so early and his confession, and the kiss-

All he did was grin.

"So fast," leaning into your ear, huffs of breaths hot on your skin -you just knew that he knew what he was doing, "-that for me, sweetheart?"

You growled, frustration at its peak, and pulled back to match his face -at a sudden mix of affection and anger, you let your heart speak, "Fuck you, Grimes."

He merely smiled brighter, head tilting ever so closely, "Well, since you asked so nicely-"

[octuscle]

Cursed Ken, part 5: Kev, the bouncer

"Ajith" meant "the invincible one". What a silly name. Ajith thought of it regularly. But what could he do, he couldn't help his name. Ajith was one of those IT nerds that everyone needed but no one took seriously. Ajith was the first to arrive in the morning and the last to leave in the evening. At some point, his hard work would pay off. He was sure of that…

It was already quite late when Ajith walked towards the cafeteria. The coffee machine in his department had already been cleaned and switched off. And if he wanted to keep going for another two hours, he urgently needed a coffee. The corridors were deserted. He heard footsteps coming from somewhere. A giant was heading towards the exit. A muscle-bound guy with a shaved head. Obviously one of the janitors. He was carrying a bin liner. Suddenly Ajith saw something fall out. A box. And although it would certainly have been sensible to point it out to the janitor, Ajith didn't. Instead, he walked as inconspicuously as possible towards the box. Ajith immediately recognized the box as a prototype toy. Professionally made. But clearly not a product that would be on a toy store shelf in this packaging. Or in a sex store, Ajith thought to himself. The young man on the packaging didn't look as if Ajith would let his daughter, whom he didn't yet have, play with it. And definitely not his son.

But Ajith was clever enough to realize that there was a market for this type of prototype. Fags were certainly willing to spend a lot of money on something like this. And Ajith could more than use the money. He cursed not having a jacket or a bag with him. But there had to be paper bags in the cafeteria for the sandwiches you could get there. And even if he had just found a treasure, he still had a few things to work off and he needed a coffee to do so.

Ajith's leather pants creaked with every step he took. He loved the feel of the unlined black leather hugging his thighs. As expected, the cafeteria was deserted. Only a young guy sat bored at the cash register, playing with his cell phone. When Ajith put the tray with the Coke and pastrami sandwich down at the till, the impressive bulge in his leather trousers had to be almost exactly at eye level with the young man, who was lying more than sitting in his seat. The young man's eyes widened in shock as the sight and smell of the leather snapped him out of his daydreams. Ajith asked with a grin if he liked the sight. The young fellow grinned and said that he had seen worse. He kneaded the bulge that appeared in his jeans. Ajith was sorry, but unfortunately he had to work. But he would be at Boxers HK from 22:00. If he felt like it, he would be happy to welcome him there.

Kevin wondered why he was actually sitting here in the cafeteria eating a really bad sandwich instead of eating at the store where he worked before his shift started. Shit, where was he anyway? Oh yeah, right… He had hooked up with the guy working the register for a quick blowjob via Grindr. And the boy had blown like the devil. And that had made Kevin hungry. But now he was late. If he wanted to be on time for his shift, he had to take an uber. Fortunately, there was one available nearby. The driver also seemed to like the passengers getting into his Prius. And Kevin wasn't exactly disgusted either. He liked Indians. They were polite and pleasant customers. And submissive and docile in bed. At the next red light, Kevin moved from the back seat to the passenger seat. And his driver didn't necessarily reach past the gearshift more than once by mistake. No wonder with an automatic gearbox. And with the pole sticking out of Kevin's pants. Shit, after the driver had operated the wrong gearshift a few times, he had to pull over again. And suck the pole next to the gearshift.

Being late was not good. But Kev was basically reliable and his boss overlooked the ten minutes. However, starting the service completely horny was never perfect either. Customers tended to stare at Kev's crotch rather than his face because of his hard-on. And with a hot guest, Kev sometimes disregarded the rules of the club. If the guest was a potential after-hours victim, he was allowed in the club. Kev was perhaps not the toughest bouncer in town. But he was one of the hottest and horniest.

[tanix-dragon]

To Be the Dragon: Living as Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii

For many years now (about 6!), I've been in the alterhuman community, thinking about how I want to write about my dragon kintype. I’ve never written much, though, despite being fairly comfortable doing so. This isn’t out of lack of things to talk about—it’s more because I have such a basic run-of-the-mill spiritual dragon kintype (in my mind) that I wasn’t sure that writing about it would do anything for anyone. Besides, it’s all so normal to me. It’s hard to write about your life when it feels so utterly mundane that to pick each piece out of it feels ridiculous. I have a dozen concepts for essays in my Tumblr drafts, but in the end, I’ve just decided to write something big. I’m going to go through it all, all I can think of, because I don’t know if I can pull it apart enough to write about each piece separately. It’s all so intertwined that it’s just easier to write a big one.

Strap in. This is going to take awhile. I’m a wordy bastard and despite how little I actually go into it, I do know a lot about this kintype.

Awakening

This is where most people start, and I’m sorry to disappoint; this is a short one. When I was a kid, I loved dinosaurs, and when I discovered dragons, and I mean really discovered them, realized how cool they are, I felt some kind of deep resonance. As a kid, I figured that it was just because they were the coolest thing of all time. In reality, this awakened phantom limbs (I think? Or just strengthened them. I don’t really remember very well; “I” as I’m known didn’t quite exist at the time, system stuff, you understand) and set me on a path of self-discovery and overwhelming draconity. I was known as the “crazy dragon kid” at school, even for years after I stopped talking about them, and I’ve always been very recognizable, even at a distance, even for people that barely know me, because I “move differently.” A friend once told me that I move like someone put a lizard or a bird in a human’s body, that I have a dragon’s walk cycle, that I have the wrong animation set for my skeleton. That was a very nice thing to be told.

I don’t know. I spent a lot of years with constant phantom limbs and sort of figured that they were normal, more or less? I didn’t think about them. They were just a part of me. Only once I tripped over a dragonkin’s blog completely accidentally in early 2018 did I start putting pieces together, and then it hit me like lightning: oh. I’m a dragon. I’m actually a dragon. And I’m not alone. I started my Tumblr kin blog and that was that. No questioning, no kinsidering, no “am I really?”--I had known that the thing was dragon, but I hadn’t known how it applied to me, and the second I did, I knew it was right. I am a dragon, and that was that.

I’d wondered off and on for a while if someone could have a past life as a dragon, but had never mentioned it to anyone (at least as far as I remember), because I was worried about the response I’d get. Once I realized that I was otherkin, though, I embraced that wholeheartedly: I had been a dragon, and that had rolled over so powerfully that I still am a dragon. It fits, and I love it.

What’s it like?

“What’s it like being a dragon?” my non-kin friends ask me sometimes. It’s kind of almost exactly the same as being not a dragon, except my mental image of myself is a big blue dragon instead of a human. Chronic pain flaring up? Dragon curled up and complaining about it. OCD lashing out? Dragon resting head against the wall with shut eyes and half-bared teeth. Someone annoying me? Dragon with exposed teeth and fangs all puffed up to try to make them back down.

My dragon body maps onto my human body to produce feeling like an anthro dragon most of the time, even though my dragonself isn’t even bipedal. It’s the happy medium my brain can settle on between what I feel I should be and my physical reality, although, again, mentally, most of the time when I imagine myself, I’m as I should be. In headspace where my headmates can see me, I’m quadrupedal unless I’m doing something that requires me to be bipedal. (Our headspace is pretty flexible, don’t worry about it.) All of this evens out to me moving kind of oddly—toss in how stiff and sore I am all the time (it’s some kind of unknown but disabling condition, hooray), and you get someone who moves very oddly. I turn my head like there’s significantly more weight to it than there should be, I visibly squeeze through spaces that are plenty big enough for me as if trying to accommodate great wings, I walk with a slight adjustment to my hips to compensate for a heavy tail, and I lift my shoulders to flare or gesture with my wings. I have slight head movements that correspond to how I move my ear fins, expressions that call for me to bare my teeth, gestures that only make sense with wings, tail, and claws, and a dozen other little things I probably don’t even notice that I do.

I don’t get a lot of species dysphoria anymore. I’d prefer to be able to switch in and out of dragon form (ideally with that anthro dragon that my brain has invented for me as an option too! I do love it as a middle ground), but I can make do as-is. I spent untold centuries as a dragon, I can handle some decades as a human. I’m here now, and I have a different life to live, and frankly, I love humans. I love the things they do, the cultures they have, the things they make, the ways they act, and I feel really lucky that I get to be in one of those human cultures and witness others. I have a minor in anthropology—I promise I’m not about to become a misanthrope anytime soon. I believe that humans are inherently creatures like any other, and can be driven to great good or great evil. I don’t believe that’s a reason to hate them, and besides, some part of me identifies as human as well as my kintypes. Not everyone does, but I do, and it’s comfortable for me.

I do have a few draconic instincts I have to juggle, but none are terribly maladaptive or troublesome. I know exactly how to breathe fire and want to when angry or struggling to keep a fire going in winter, and I know that there’s something in my chest and something else in my throat that are missing, structures that allow firebreathing, but I have phantoms and can mimic it okay, so I can huff and puff and burn nothing down. I have a prey drive that kicks in hard watching squirrels or, worse, rabbits out of my window, but I don’t ever actually chase anything (not that my slow ass could catch anything even if I did). I want to sharpen my claws, curl up in the sun, growl and threat-display with my wings (and do flare my phantoms when I’m in the car and another vehicle does something I don’t like), and a bunch of other small things I can’t think of right now. Again, it doesn’t bother me—it’s just affirmations of my draconity, and most are subtle enough that I can do them in front of people and they don’t notice, or, if they do, they don’t think much of it. 

What’s it like? What a question. What else do I say? Sometimes my chronic back pain reaches into my rhomboid muscles, which is where my phantom wings connect, so it registers as wing pain, I guess. That doesn’t usually happen, but it can. I walk on my toes a lot because I naturally want to move digitigrade. Shocker, I know. I don’t know—what’s it like being a dragon? What’s it like being human, or anything else? What’s it like to be who and what you are?

The Dragon Driik’lor

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii. Tanix of Fire and Breath. What a name—and one I have known parts of for a long, long time. As a kid, I’d sign off messages and emails as Tanadin of Fire and Air. When choosing a name for myself when I came out as trans (Tanix), I knew that I wanted something with the nickname ‘Tan’ still, derived originally from my username “Tanadin,” because it felt right. Was my name truly Tanix? I don’t know. It feels right, or at least, right enough. I swapped out “air” for “breath” because Tanix lei Dramon ak Voron didn’t feel as right. I guess the question is—who is, or was, this Tanix, and what language is that?

(I'll occasionally be referring to my dragonself as Tanix and myself as… me, I guess. I know, I’m sorry, that’s confusing, but that’s driiv name as far as I know, and calling driik anything else feels weird.)

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was a mature adult dragon of a sapient and extremely intelligent species with its own language. My noemata have provided me with pieces of this language—individual words and ideas on its structure, some suffixes, some sounds and pieces of what a sentence should sound like. A few letters, even, for the written version. For the past fourteen or so years, I have worked on uncovering as much of this language (that, as a kid, I called Dranonic, and I haven’t changed that) as I can, and have made up much of the rest. I will never reconstruct an entire language from noemata alone, and I know that, so I just do what doesn’t feel wrong and change things if I get an inkling that I’m off somewhere.

Tanix’s species had some extremely complex social rules and dances that driit largely didn’t do much with. Dragons could be either solitary or live in clans, and driit was pretty solitary. Driit was also fucking annoying. Sorry, but it’s true—Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was a pretentious, self-centered, prideful, overconfident bastard that had other dragons going “oh gods here comes Tanix again, just smile and wave.” Driit was a bulky, powerful, physically imposing dragon, and driit knew it. (In this human life, my family is actually fairly dense and stout despite being quite tall, so that’s free species euphoria.) As far as I can tell, given driiv five horns and larger stature, driit was female. (I talk about horn count and dragon gender more in my essay Counting Horns and Making Assumptions, or, Draconic Age and Gender, if you’re interested.) However, pronouns in Dranonic are based on age category, not gender, so the fact that Tanix and driiv mate have different pronouns is because of a difference in age, not gender.

Oh, Selkhenar. Selkhenar of the Darkened Swamp. I wish I knew more about you. Muut seems to be the only dragon that Tanix wasn’t a huge bitch to—and let me tell you something. Driit was vain as fuck. My dragon instincts know what driit did and did not find attractive in a dragon, and Selkhenar was considered, in that society, to be a kind of dumpy little green and black swamp beast with a weirdly long face, short ass legs, and kind of weird proportions.

And driit loved muut more than anything. Every time I think about Selkhenar, I get holdover fuzzies and butterflies from my time as the dragon the first go-around, and man, driit was gone for this swamp dragon. I have flashes of memory of much more impressive-looking dragons trying to woo driik and getting passed up, but accidentally tripping over Selkhenar in the swamp just beyond the edge of driiv territory was apparently what driik needed.

They had at least one clutch of eggs together. I remember guarding them ferociously, even growling at Selkhenar once before recognizing muuk. I remember them hatching into the cutest little whelplings of all time, and I remember them being a mix of blue and green and red and black. I remember teaching them to fly, throwing them over the ledge outside of the cave and off the cliff. Selkhenar was below, ready to catch if they didn’t figure it out, but still, uh, not the strategy I would recommend, necessarily. I remember hunting for them, both land animals and skimming the lake outside of our cave, down in the evergreens at the base of the mountain, for fish, even though… Selkhenar was a water dragon and therefore better suited to fishing…. I think it was a pride thing. Tanix was a ferociously prideful dragon and I suspect driit was like NO, MY LOVE, I WILL HUNT FOR YOU, YOU TINY THING… YOU GUARD THE BABIES WHILE I PROVIDE FOR YOU…. and then proceeded to accidentally driik’lor (Dranonic for him/her/themself) into the water. Repeatedly. Over and over. I have very firm noemata of hunting fish, eating fish, and fucking up while hunting fish and fouling my wings and falling into the lake. I was an okay swimmer and was mostly just glad that no one saw, but like… come on. Let the swamp dragon do it. I mean, I’m sure muut did, but I don’t have memories of that.

What’d This Dragon Look Like, Anyway?

Good question! That’s something I have the firmest grasp on. I’ve been drawing this dragon for as long as I’ve been super aware of dragons, and driit has been through a lot of iterations, but I think I’m very close.

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was approximately fifty feet long from nose to tailtip. Driit was a deep, intense blue (take a peek at any art I’ve ever done of driik/myself) with bright red stripes along driiv midline—basically, along the spine, down the tail, and along the face. The stripes also appeared on driiv legs and maybe wings, but I’m not sure about that one. Driit had five horns that were either darker blue or slightly purple that curved slightly back and were slightly offset from one another, with each set being slightly smaller than the last and a bit further back, with the single horn being the smallest and furthest back. Driit also had a single nose spike that matched the horns. Driit had big (kind of disproportionately big) ear fins, a more recent discovery of mine and out of date on most of my art, used for communication and showing of mood, mostly. Driiv “hands” had three fingers and a thumb, driiv back feet had three toes and a dewclaw, and driiv wings had four “fingers” with membrane stretched between them and a fifth “finger” that seemed to serve little to no purpose. This wing membrane connected pretty low down on the body (near or on the tail), providing a large area for lift. I believe this membrane was a lighter color than the scales around it, and I have the distinct feeling that I could flush blood into it to make it change color—red, I think? Maybe it was just some markings that could appear. I’m not sure.

Along driiv back were spikes or spines, of a similar color to the horns, lined up perfectly with the stripes. I know that driit had some kind of dangerous weapon on the dip of driiv tail, and I know that this thing had three sharp points, but its exact shape and color, I’m less sure on. I know that the tail itself was fairly flexible, especially near the tip, but was most assuredly a powerful weapon when needed. Driiv belly was lightly plated, providing protection for the vital organs. Driit also, of course, had sharp teeth and a forked tongue, although two of driiv teeth were elongated and poked slightly out of the mouth when shut, which I tend to call driiv fangs.

The Binding

Back in August of 2023, I tripped over an image that made dragonbrain click on and triggered a fear response as well as a flood of noemata. The post I wrote at the time of that discovery is here, but I’ll write it out in a more comprehensible format, both for your convenience and so that I have a more organized version in general.

Some kind of humanoid species (not humans) on my planet found and trapped me when I was quite young, and dragged me to a structure not dissimilar to the image I found, not far from or in one of their cities. My limbs and jaws were chained so that I couldn’t fight or escape, and I so clearly remember feeling my claws and scales scrape over that rough, coarse stone, and the sound of the chains dragging across it. Some of the humanoids rode other dragons, who were clearly enslaved and, in many ways, broken. They had no choice but to obey, or face punishment. Their eyes were dull and they passed over me without registering me, because to acknowledge that such a young dragon was facing their same fate was, I imagine, too painful.

For the record, I was so young that I thought I might be able to carry one of these humanoids, maybe, and not all of my red markings had come in yet. I was very young.

For some reason or another—maybe I was misbehaving, maybe this was protocol with all new dragons, I don’t know—they dragged me to a dungeon underneath a great arena where they made some dragons that they figured they could never turn into mounts fight for their amusement. I was chained up down there, fairly tightly, barely fed and barely able to move. There were a couple of other dragons down there with me, in the dark and the damp, curled up on those horrible stone bricks just like I was. I could barely see them, it was so dark, but they could see me, their eyes more adjusted due to years or decades down here.

My primary companion was a dull red dragon, an adult male, as far as I can figure. I don’t remember muuv name, but it started with an Ez- or an El- with a z in there somewhere, and ended in -iel or something along those lines. Elaziel, Ezkhaliel, Ezkerial, Elzariel? I don’t remember. I wish I did. I remember muut being as reassuring as muut could be, trying to do muuv best for this poor scared youngling. Muut was beaten and broken but incapable of either fighting or being a mount—one or more of muuv limbs were gone or broken and healed incorrectly. Muut couldn’t fly and I think muut struggled to walk. I don’t know why the humanoids kept muut alive, but I do know that I reinvigorated muuk, and muut decided to do whatever muut could to get me out.

I don’t remember what happened, really. All I know is that, at some point, there was an escape, and multiple dragons made it out, or at least tried to. I remember the red dragon shouting “Mor anor axid, mor anor axid! Mor anor axid veran!”, which is Dranonic for “Let them fly, let them fly! Let them fly away!” with “anor” being distinctly plural—you would never call a single dragon “anor,” indicating that there were multiple dragons trying to get away. I know muut wasn’t among them—muut would never make it out, and I’m sure that the humanoids killed him after. I never looked back. I never saw.

I know that there was a light green dragon involved in all that, a female, I think. Muut was chained down there with myself and the red dragon, and maybe others. Maybe muut was the other one in “anor.” I don’t know. I don’t remember much about muut.

I do remember part of the escape—the red dragon’s shouted pleas, the hesitation of the dragon mounts, the sting of the dragonbone arrows fired from the humanoids that pierced my scales (because of course they harvested the bodies of their spent slaves, why wouldn’t they, the bastards), the screaming of my underused wing muscles as I tore out of that place and never looked back, not once.

I never returned. Not even as an adult, not even once my fifth horn came in. I flew far, far away, and never drew closer again. I never wanted to see that place, never wanted to fear it, never wanted to risk it. My two fears as a dragon were that place and the ocean, and the second, I feel, had some kind of horrible dragon-slaughtering beast in it that was a long, instinctive, genetic terror. That horrible place beat it out by miles.

A Couple Other Memories

I remember other things, too, not just that whole… sequence, or what I talked about before. I know that there were some kind of “dragon mimics” out there, some kind of insectoid things that looked like dragons at a distance but revealed what they were close up. They’d either do displays intended to anger a dragon and draw them close, or courtship displays to interest a dragon. Either way, once a dragon was close enough for the mimic to strike, it was too late. A lot of insectoid dragon designs set off my dragonbrain’s “mimic alarm,” and it’s kind of interesting to play with and see what triggers it and what doesn’t. I’m sure I had personal experience with them—I have too clear of a mental image of one trying to lure me in for anything else—but I don’t know the specifics.

One of the memories that I’ve had, crystal clear, for a long time, is my death. I was falling from a great height, wings too damaged to hold me, uselessly streaming behind me as I fell. Selkhenar flew down with me in a panic, knowing muut could never catch me (I was far bigger than muuk), trying to talk me into getting my wings sorted out and at least slowing my fall or something. I remember there being wounds all over me—I’d been losing some great, horrible battle—and peering at Selkhenar, thinking it was very sweet of muuk to be so worried about me but I was clearly lost, muut needed to get out of here—and then a sharp pain at the base of my skull, where it connects to my spine, and nothing. I feel like it was some sort of projectile, well-aimed, that took me out instantly.

I’m still afraid of heights without my wings.

Wrap-Up

There’s more, I’m sure. More specific essays that I feel like I can write now that I’ve gotten most of it down. I could write an essay on draconic courtship, or what little I know of rearing offspring, or whatever else comes to mind. For now, though—that’s most of it. That’s The Everything. I’ve been meaning to put this together for a long time, and now I have, and I hope it’s helpful to someone—either in understanding me, or in understanding yourself. I know that, when you’re questioning something, reading about someone else’s experiences helps a lot. I’ve never felt like talking about my dragon kintype was ever going to be terribly helpful in that regard—after all, there’s a dozen other similar essays out there—but I decided, well, it’s not for other people. It’s for me. And no one’s written four thousand words detailing my kintype before.

That’s the thing about writing like this. It’s for you, and if it helps someone else, that’s just a bonus. Write what will help you, what will let you figure yourself out and document it so that, if it changes, you can pinpoint when that was and track your own growth and change. I wonder what, in a few years, will be inaccurate in this essay? I wonder what I will add, what I will change, in a theoretical future version?

I guess we’ll find out together. Thanks for reading.

[stackslip]

your post about fma03 are good and i'm stuck thinking about scar for hours at a time again. stories talking about 'revenge' can read really bad to me because a lot use 'this oppressed minority trying to fight state violence is bad' plotline. fma03 was honestly pretty unique in that scar was this tragic hero instead. it's sad, it's clearly difficult for him and he see him struggle, but everything he does was also necessary to prevent further genocide.

YEAH, it's a trope i absolutely loathe and scar in the og manga is its poster boy and everyone and their mom loves to pretend it's super progressive or something lol. there are aspects to scar's manga character i wish i could have enjoyed more were he not constantly scolded by half the cast for being an Evil Murderer when the war criminals' redemption arcs are assumed to be done by now and they're good people we should all root for. bc like. i genuinely LIKE the idea of scar's brother's other arm being about reconstruction. i LIKE the concept of scar holding destruction and rebuilding at once, and being able to one day move on and participate in the rebuilding of ishbal! but it comes with the idea that he is wrong for wanting to destroy amestris's military and the people who've murdered his people in the first place, it comes with him calling himself scum for being a Bad Murderer, it comes with the only other major talking ishbalan character BEING A MEMBER OF AMESTRIS'S MILITARY, UNDER THE COMMAND OF A WOMAN WHO CURSES HER BROTHER OUT FOR NOT HAVING JOINED IN THE GENOCIDE, basically scolding scar in turn for daring to want revenge. lol. i likewise would like the thing between him and mei a lot better if it didn't feel like it didn't play in tropes of "this big brown scary man is actually sweet bc this cute pale skinned girl makes him Soft" which.... i'm not fond of. i like mei and his relationship to her a lot, I Do Not Like The Framing. i do not like what arakawa does with scar in the manga, and this will always, ALWAYS be my biggest contention with fma, my line in the sand that i refuse to back down. so many things i can chalk up to taste, but i'm never not going to argue that scar's treatment in the og manga is absolutely abysmal.

in comparison, the way 03 reframes scar from his very first appearance as someone a lot more vulnerable/human and understandable, how his violence is put into context for what amestris has done to him and how al and him have this direct connection and mutual understanding, down to al flat out saying "if someone killed my brother i'd probably want to burn down the world too".... it's just. really good all around. scar's arc does not revolve around the elrics' plot, but when he does encounter them it's not so ed can scold him for being a murderer--because scar can and does bite back ed for participating in the military in the first place. his encounter with lust, the dynamic between him, his brother and his brother's love and how all three of them have been denied even their very names and identity in the aftermath of the genocide..... unbelievably bleak. how lust and scar likewise are trying to reclaim an identity as specifically Ishbalan in different ways too! lust by remembering what she was made from, going against dante and realizing what has been taken away from her, dying while proclaiming I WAS A WOMAN FROM ISHBAL. and then you have scar, who refuses his past name because he died with his brother and he died with the old ishbal. amestris murdered him along his people. there's no coming back from this. and like.... it's tragic, because it means scar is doomed from the start. he sees himself as a ghost and he is unable to not be one. but he also *chooses* to do something of it. to not simply pursue revenge but to actively stop amestris's military from repeating the genocide in liore! he is STILL enacting violence, he is using ishbal's own old alchemy and usurping amestris's claims so he can turn their own weapon back on them. ishbal was murdered for amestris's principles, and likewise scar is going to destroy as much of the amestrian military as he can in the name of not only avenging ishbal but stopping it from ever happening again! and his plan works. it works, and it's tragic, but also triumphant. it's tragic because scar was a good man.

that's the difference between the treatment of scar in og fma and 03. in the former, scar is the one character who has to Grow Into A Good Person, because it is assumed that no good person should use violence even to defend their people and avenge genocide. because violence is the prerogative of the protagonists, and because it is easy to remove the "bad people" from the premise--you can just excise them as a tumour, and then amestris is no longer a fascist and genocidal hell state. never mind that a sympathetic character (one often touted as a feminist icon ffs) is actively defending her choice to participate in the genocide to the end and derides another for NOT participating in it, but apparently she's fine! but scar has to Learn To Forgive and becoming a good person means settling down and things will magically improve. and scar has to learn this from the elrics, even as they talk down to him and see him in a very negative light, because apparently the two blonde protagonists understand violence better than a survivor of genocide does.

in 03, scar is a good person. or at the very least, he's entirely justified. and he might not be right 100% of the time, but he is from the beginning considered to understand a lot more of the world than the elrics are! he is a tragic hero because he died long ago, and there was no other path for him. and he isn't.... wrong. it's been shown in 03 that ishbalan survivors literally get hunted and displaced wherever they go. they can't rebuild, as long as amestris is as it is! you can't just spout platitudes about how violence is bad, because even if you give up violence it will show up at your door and burn your refugee camp and the only way to counter is meeting it with violence yourself. where ed sacrifices himself at the end for his brother in another tragic hero ending, scar sacrifices himself for not only the memory of his brother but for all of ishbal AND liore to be able to live. and he's right! he's destabilized the military enough that when roy makes his choice and kills bradley, the military has been crippled and is forced to take a step back, and amestris is suddenly on the defensive and no longer able to take on offensive wars. ishbalans and liorites are shown rebuilding in peace, as amestrian soldiers are no longer able to attack them. scar's sacrifice worked. he took on the identity of old ishbal's avenging ghost, and he pushed it to the end. he finally accepted his brother's love and sacrifice, and sacrificed himself in turn--like the elrics do! his last words are words of love. they're tender. in the moment that he kills hundreds of amestrian soldiers, music swells. yes, it's tragic. fma 03 isn't saying that justified violence is all glory and roses, it's still painful--the soldiers' death isn't a fun happy time, but.... they were coming in to murder thousands of liorites, possibly rape some of them like they did rose. their lives, 03 says again and again, are *not* more important than the lives of marginalized people. they've made their choice. violence here was the right call, it was an act of love, and it is framed as such. scar's final act is mirrored by the final act of the protagonists, there too an act of love. scar in 03 is so much more humanized and respected a character than he is in the manga, and regardless of 03's other failings or differences in taste, i will argue that his story in 03 is more relevant and real as ever today as it was during the political context of 2003-04

[havethetouch]

Back on my bullshit because now that I have a longer vacation going on I can tackle this again, this time with feeling. Also I had a break in between bc I remembered and forgot to mention that I was out and about for almost a week living in a flat to babysit animals while their owners were out of the country but I had been yearning for the ceiling. After Time got away from me a bit got brainfogged suddenly realized it is September already wtf. If I hadn't liveblogged the ceiling shenanigans I might've misremembered when that started too. Anyway.

Previously on Touch's ceiling shenanigans

And right now we are here:

Ceiling skeleton. The support beams are all askew as fuck and jammed into the the walls on both sides. I have thermal plastering ready for it's call to action as one of the walls with the holes is an outer wall and the cold will crawl through and try to get me without proper insulation. I am also currently busy with removing everything that has been lying about in this room (before it was the storage room for when I freshly moved in so a lot of stuff just.. floating about) because the crossbars do not inspire confidence in me that they will not drop weirdly when I loosen them up lol I also bribed my auntie to take me a few villages over (I do not have a car) to get some more supplies for the removal of the distemper paint and shit to seal of cracks were the ceiling and walls meet. Also... there is a cable duct in the corner right over the space were the oven will go and I figured it might be for the best to pry open the wall to sink it and for that I needed a different kind of quick-drying plaster which was also acquired. And then I thought yeah well, get some of those parquet mini fix thingies.. you know the idk how it is called but basically there are some scratches and dents in the floor in need of some TLC and I know how sanding down parquet and resealing it properly works but I also know how much time and shit that takes and I might at some point say "it is time" but it ain't this year or the next for sure. So mini fixes it is for now. I also have a different endboss now in this entire thing because see... I have a second door in this room to the outside of my driveway. I just have this second entry point to my abode which will be very handy once I work with some of my materials that need a lot of ventilation and shit. But anyway so... Somewhen in the past there was flooding I know this there is plenty of visible evidence of it all over my home that there went water were it was not supposed to go. But nowhere is it more apparent than this door.

There used to be parquet in between (it's a double door) and just look how fucking thick my outside walls are fucks sake and my dad removed that because it looked like one step away from having you meet the underside of the building and filled that all up with concrete but nothing more than that. I think he wanted to seal the doorway up permanently at some point and I am glad he didn't because I adore the second entry point. But yeahhh this is a bit of damage. I misremembered how much bc I had to temp seal this off for a bit because mice kept sneaking through these two doors into the house last winter along with the cold. So it kinda slipped my mind how rotten the wooden frames are and how even the concrete on the sides is all fucked up. Got some work ahead on that one. There is also a massive black spider somewhere in the woodbeams that I only caught a glimpse of before she scuttled in there and at some point we will probably make eye contact when I remove the rotten wood :')

And yeh this is no longer just the ceiling but like I said, am on vacation now so I try to get everything wrapped up soon and that includes this entry door along with the floor. Cross fingers the spider does not jump me she looked like she could beat my ass.

[e-adlirez]

The last question you answer about violet having a grasshopper pet being stereotypical make me realize that the girls do be kinda stereotypical in the very first book…(which fortunately isn’t there anymore as the series progress). Though, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I would love to hear your take on the cultural aspect of the thea sisters books. In your personal opinion, do you think the books do a decent job in cultural representation?

It started out with a decent chunk of stereotypes, but what allows me to look past them and love them is the fact that they show the girls growing out of them. For example, Vi (the only one I can actually speak on) is very much the smart and shy Asian kid stereotype (and the occasional esoteric proverb or two), but I love her because she grew into the role of being the group braincell. She's the group braincell, the straight man, the nanny holding four leashes at once, the anxiety-riddled bean who wants to move out of her comfort zone but is scared to do so on her own and thus leans on her friends for support ohmygodshe'sjustlikemefr--

For a series made in the early 2000s, the representation is pretty good! Definitely not perfect (stares at the Chinese proverb thing and Pam being a sasslord with weird-ass slang), but it was very much ahead of its time! The girls did start out stereotypical, yes, but one thing that it did was expand the girls beyond the stereotypes they initially started out with. Violet started as the Asian smart kid, but her character was expanded (if I described how we'd be here all day); Colette started out as a diva, but grew out of it and became a proud girly girl who gets along with Pam even though their tastes in fashion are different; Nicky does have that crazy Aussie in her (which I love), but she's also a goofball and passionate nature advocate a la Steve Irwin (still crazy tho, see that one time she crawled on the roof of a moving train); Pam I think changed the most, seeing she started off as the sassy one with weird slang but is now more the comedic relief who takes charge of the girls culinary itineraries and keeps them grounded; and Paulina's stayed the most consistent, but I dunno if that's saying a lot because she doesn't get that much screentime compared to the others.

One thing I will also appreciate is the extra bit of character building that the girls have that tie the little bits together. Vi has many things she's into and is good at? She is a curious type open to new learning experiences and is also a perfectionist (with anxiety coding), said wumbo combo means she's pretty good at a lot of nerd-flavored things like art and strategy and attention to detail. Pam likes pizza? Her family runs a pizzeria. Nicky is crazy? Yeah she's crazy, she's really good at thinking on her feet even if it means jumping off the outstretched ladder of a speeding firetruck to catch a perp. Colette is a fashionista? She likes looking good and has a good eye for different fashion styles and how to elevate them (and is most likely the reason Pam doesn't just have the most basic of clothes to wear everyday). Paulina is an IT kid? She is also chronically online :D (:'D) and she uses technology to try to improve her corner of the world and remain in contact with her family, mainly her little sister.

Oh yeah and the plots of the books were not that stereotypical, either! Tho take my statements with a grain of salt because I'm not part of any of these cultures, their trip to Japan didn't involve a single ounce of sushi or origami or samurai-- it involved bunraku and a theme on tradition versus passion. Their trip to Hawai'i did involve hula, but that was because they were there to compete in totallynottheMerrieMonarchFestivalweswearsincerelyScholastic, and they do mention the whole volcanic eruption thing without having to talk about Hawai'i religion beyond the white dog superstition, with a little side comment of how business corporates can be more than willing to pull all the strings they can to exploit the natural beauty and the people of Hawai'i. They went to New York and the plot was intertwined very much with the NYC housing crisis in such a way that was easy to digest, even for kids! They went to India and not only set it in an underrated part of the country (Tamil Nadu), they didn't lean into mainstream media stereotypes about India and let the story tell itself as it deserved to! They went to Italy multiple times and, get this, they didn't make a single pasta joke. (Because it's an Italian series that'd be weird if they did.)

But yeah, they treated these cultures with a surprising amount of respect. Like I said, not perfect, but it is a relief how a good chunk of the books still stand up to the test of time.

If you're from any of the cultures they explored in any of the books, feel free to let me know ^^

[sabo-has-my-heart]

It's two part again. Happy thanksgiving!

Dang, moving is always such a hassle :') I wish things go well for you. *sends love*

It's been a while so I can't really give a detailed story, but to sum up, this is what I literally dreamt of. Y/N works as an Oiran in a busy district in Wano, and Ace once visited it when he was still in the Spade pirates. They had an intense night, and Ace could not forgot the sensation and basically fell in love at first sight. He saved up money to buy Y/N out (not really buying a slave but actually freeing Y/N from the place) However, when he came back for Y/N, he was told that they escaped and the place no longer know Y/N's location.

Ace was disappointed, but that was a story in the past, Ace is now part of the WB pirates. He was secretly still searching for Y/N, though. Then, he recognized a familiar face among one of the member in the nurse crew of WB pirates ship. It was Y/N. The man was over the moon, until he realized, he couldn't possibly come to her and start a conversation with "Have we met? I think I've had s3x with you before". It turned into a cute story between Ace who is now very awkward but is trying his best to start a conversation with the person of his dream. And Y/N who is obvious. Until Y/N finally recognized Ace, and started teasing/flirting him which end up with another heated night for the two of them.

It's a miracle how I can dream of Ace lol, but it was a third person view point dream so I couldn't enjoy much either. It's not the first time I have a weird dream though, for some reasons I keep dreaming of a strange blonde who I have established a romantic relationship with. Well that's way too off topic, I only want to share my ideas with you for fun. I do hope that you prioritize your personal stuff before starting to write again (even tho I miss your write, a lots :'))

Aight that's it for now. Have a great day, have a great thanksgiving week. Best wishes.

- two part

TWO PART ANON! I had a pretty boring Thanksgiving, our oven was broken so we weren't really able to do anything special, that's okay though. Plus I had covid. I'm... mostly better now, still have a cough, but I'm covid negative and raring to go once more! Here's, lol, PART 1!!! All the smut will be in part 2, I hope you enjoy it!

Part 2, Part 3

Warnings: mentions of previous sex, no actual sex yet though (that’s for part 2)

Word Count: 1680

     It felt like it had been an eternity ago since he’d last seen you. In truth, it had only been a couple of years, but with how his heart yearned for you, it felt like longer. Ace hadn’t been one to believe in fairytales, no ‘happily ever after’, no ‘peasant becomes the prince/princess’, and no ‘love at first sight’. At least, not until he’d met you. A courtesan in Wano, no, an Oiran, on par with the greatest of them, with even the great Komurasaki. The first time he had laid eyes on you, he knew he needed to talk to you, the first time he heard your voice, he knew he needed to spend the night with you, and from the first night with you, knew that he needed you in his life. Not just for one night, but for all of them, forever. A passionate night, more passionate than any you had previously known, more loving and caring. One where he couldn’t stop every desire from pouring out of his mouth. His desires for you, to have you, to be with you; and the shocking part, the part that made his heart stop, that shook him to his core, was when you reciprocated it. When you told him you wanted him in your life too. You shared things you’d never told anybody else, told him your past, your desires, and your dreams, and he knew that he’d do anything to make sure you saw them realized. A promise, one to find enough treasure to ‘buy’ you. To pay your debt to the man who held your fate, to take you away from such a life. But he’d been too late, you couldn’t take it after that night with him. 

     Pretending that you enjoyed the company of other men, giggling at dumb jokes and ‘enjoying’ fine food and drink sitting next to men who weren’t Ace. It didn’t matter how rich or good looking they were, you only wanted Ace. So you ran away. In the dead of the night, you gathered all your most precious belongings, every cent you could carry, everything of worth, and disappeared into the night. When Ace had asked about you, stating that he wanted to pay your debt, to ‘buy’ you, the man had merely scoffed, saying that you had run and despite his best efforts, he hadn’t found you, that you still owed him so much money. Ace had paid your debt to the man, whether or not you were there. Should the man ever stumble across you again, you could still be free. Eventually, he’d learned that you’d escaped Wano, somehow managing to break the biggest law of the strange land and escaping to sea.

     From that day, he searched for you. He never told anybody, never said a word, made it seem like he was simply living his life, but any time he was at an island, his eyes were searching the crowds for your familiar form. The man was certain he could never forget the shape of your body, the color of your hair, or your scent; not the scent of the perfume that you had been forced to wear as an oiran, but your natural scent lingering just beneath that. Every detail was carved into the backs of his eyelids, teasing him each time he closed his eyes with your beautiful smile. Your real smile. Not the one you had given him upon first being introduced to that night’s company, but the smile you gave him the next morning as you placed a soft kiss to his lips. Only a few people knew of his secret, of his love. Deuce, his first mate, his friend, his second-in-command. Whitebeard, his captain, his adopted father, the man who accepted him for him. And Izou, the Wano man had been by accident. He’d wanted to learn how to make your favorite so that if he ever found you, he could make it for you. Except the man wasn’t dumb, he noticed the concentration on Ace’s face as he worked to perfect the food, noticed the soft smile when Ace thought about when he’d first tried the food, saw the pain when asked about why it was so important. He’d confronted Ace about it, smiling as he listened to Ace’s tale about the beautiful oiran who’d stolen his heart. Izou kept an eye out for any Wanoan women after that, he never said anything, but as a favor to his friend, fellow commander, and brother-in-arms, he always kept an eye out as well. 

     Sighing, Ace leaned back in his chair, taking a large gulp from his mug. Pops was docked at another island to restock, giving his men shore leave once they were properly restocked, allowing his sons to enjoy themselves, whether it be in food, drink, or women. Women, ha! No woman would ever compare to you, to the beautiful tennyo who’d stolen his heart. He chuckled to himself at the thought, tennyo, so many things you’d taught him in his short time with you. He missed you so much right now, missed the strange terms of endearment you used for him, so strange to him, but never failed to make his heart skip a beat. 

     Ace’s brow furrowed as he took his feet off the table to sit up straight. His ears strained to catch the voice that had caught his attention just a moment ago. The accent, the lilt, it rang so familiarly in his head. Looking around, he only saw the familiar faces, tattoos, and clothing of the crew. His division knocking back drinks as they laughed, a few Whitebeard nurses dispersed amongst them. Still, his eyes scanned the crowd frantically, searching for the familiar face that filled his dreams. Finally, it landed on one of the nurses. Ace didn’t know all of the nurses that tended to Pops, the man’s deteriorating health requiring near constant care. Yet this one, he was certain, or almost certain. 

     Swallowing hard, he mentally shouted for the nurse to turn around fully, to give him a proper view of her, rather than just the small glances at her. Finally, she turned, looking to one of the other nurses, stopping Ace’s heart. Your hair was different and the layers of make-up were gone and the kimono replaced with a pink dress, but he was sure it was you. The young man almost shot up in his seat, wanting to run over to you and pull you close, to bury his head into the crook of your neck, hesitating when a thought hit him. Would you even recognize him? You might be forever engraved in his mind, but was he similarly engraved in yours? It had been a few years ago and it had only been a couple of nights together. Did he mean as much to you and you had meant to him? How would he even talk to you, how would he strike a conversation? ‘Hey, this sounds crazy, but I spent a passionate night with you a few years ago. Wanna go have dinner with me?’ No, absolutely not! He’d sound deranged! There was no way you’d recognize him after all this time. You’d been an oiran, he was probably just another paying man spending a night with you, getting too caught up in your act. To you, he must have just been an overly passionate man who was drawn into the fake little world you created for all your customers. Slouching into his chair, he stared at you in longing, he wanted so badly to go over to you, to pick you up and spin you around, to pull you into the most mind blowing kiss, but he couldn’t risk freaking you out. 

     You’d heard tales of the new second division commander, but had yet to find the time to go see him yourself. Whitebeard’s health took priority and the other nurses had come to rely on you a great deal, leaving you with little time to yourself. On top of your work as a nurse, you were kept busy with a million other things. The young man from years prior always lingered in your mind, his smile like the sun seared into your mind, as if forever branding your mind, heart, and soul as his. Freckles that dotted his cheeks like the stars in the sky, making you think of him every night when you stared up at the twinkling lights, he burned so brightly, as if he were made of sunshine and stardust. During the few daylight hours in which you weren’t caring for Whitebeard, your thoughts were taken up by this man. His voice and name still rang in your ears late at night when things were quiet and still. Ace. Portgas D. Ace. Still, you were on shore leave and the other nurses, as thanks for always taking their shifts, had given you the night off, you’d earned it. So you’d come here, hearing that the second division, and its commander, was here. So far, you’d yet to spot the young man who’d caused such a stir. Talking with one of the second division men, a flit of bright orange caught your eye. Turning, you noticed a familiar orange hat being pressed down on a lowered head before the owner stood up to head out of the bar. 

     “Who’s that?” You asked, pointing to the young man who’s back was turned to you. Despite the tattoo that covered a good portion of his back, you were almost certain you recognized his form. How could you forget that physique, the back that had sported the evidence of your night together in the form of long red scratches, the shoulders that you’d held so tightly, as if your life depended on it. 

     “Hm? Oh, right! You haven’t met the new division commander have you? That’s him, FireFist Ace! Kid’s crazy, but he’s strong.” the man you’d been talking to said with a grin, proud of his new commander. You smiled as you watched him leave, Ace, you’d finally found him.

[inniessick]

Do You Still Love Me? / Yang Jeongin

pairing: non idol!yang jeongin x fem reader

word count: 5.1k (im so sorry)

warnings: angst, fluff, cursing, mentions of break up, lowkey mean!jeongin but not the entire fic, SMUT! soft/hard dom!yang jeongin, sub!reader, mention of alcohol (once), dumbifaction, no verbal consent but everything was fully consensual, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex (do not do that), begging, fingering, being manhandled? (wrists pinned above head, face being grabbed), dacryphilia, crying in general, degradtion, praise, overstimulation, size kink (maybe kinda, just being safe), pet names/names (baby, doll, princess, good girl, darling, my love/love, honey // bitch, slut, whore), orgasm delay?, hickeys/lovebites, marking in general, hair pulling, kissing, showering together??, let me know if i missed any!

likes, reblogs and feedback appreciated! :3 ♡

smut below the cut, don't press keep reading if you don't want to see that.

to think you'd end up here.. alone with him, it had only been a week since you last saw jeongin. and about 6 months since you broke up. it was messy, and clean. the entire situation made so much sense and none at all.

it had been nearly perfect for 3 years. you had been friends for 2 years before you even started dating. you and jeongin met in your junior year of college. he had a reputation around him, but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. you became best friends, basically attached at the hip, always together no matter where you were. "y/n and jeongin" "jeongin and y/n". absolutely nobody was surprised when you both started dating. you had always been naive, but jeongin realized he liked you very early on, too afraid to actually ask you out because he valued you so much. eventually, after a bit of liquid courage he had the balls to ask to be your boyfriend. the funniest part? you were going to confess your feelings to him the same night! your new years resolution was to be more upfront with your feelings, and you labeled that your first attempt, of course he beat you to it but you still told him how much you really liked him. a win is a win. jeongin knew you had only ever been in small relationships, never meaning a whole lot, and he wanted to change that for you. he went out of his way to make you smile at least once a day. he succeeded. 

he was your first for almost everything, and he prided himself on that. everything he did, he did with meaning, he payed so much attention to you. he was the best boyfriend you could've asked for, of course you two fought, but it was rare and never a screaming match. it was civil. but then things got ugly after he went on a vacation to see his mom for 2 weeks. he came home so upset, and unintentionally took it out on you. called you clingy stupid incompetent. followed all of that up with, "why can't you leave me alone?" "do i need to help you with everything?" you tried to talk to him and ask him what was wrong, he didn't budge. you tried everything, being affectionate, leaving him alone, talking to his friends, you even tried to call his mom. nothing worked and you started to give up, you thought he hated you. eventually you told him you were moving out, he had no reaction. you took it as sign that it was over and done with.

of course you tried to move on but you couldn't. no matter what you did, you thought of jeongin. everything you did was a reminder that you had lived with him through seriously important years of your life. you couldn't shower without thinking about how he washed your hair. couldn't wear your clothes because he either got you most of them, or you got them when you were with him. your favorite meals were his favorite too. anything that was “yours”, was his. you didn't blame him, its not his fault that you two worked so well together. worked, past tense. you constantly had to remind yourself he wasn't yours anymore but no matter what you did it was always him.

you were baffled when he sent you a text one night, shortly after breaking up, asking to meet up. you took him up on the offer but rather than talking it led to you both drinking just a little bit too much and ending up in bed together. and that's how it's been for the last 4 months.

isn't it funny? sometimes you get lucky and they think you're someone else. you figured he didn't care that it was you, he just wanted to fuck. but here you are regardless. you thought you'd finally end things once and for all, but then you got a call from him. were you stupid? you shouldn't have answered his call at all. how can you blame him for your inability to end it? i mean, you picked up the phone after all. 

it was 1am, you were nowhere near ready to sleep, you were thinking about how to approach him. speak of the devil as they say, right?

“hey.. y/n.. are you up?”

“yea innie, im up.” there you go again, thinking without speaking. the nickname too? cmon.

you could hear his staggered breathing, “come over? please? really need you.”

your heart was beating so hard you would've thought it was going to burst out of your chest. you knew exactly what he was implying. “mkay innie... ill come over” why would you say no? at least he wants you for something right? you heard him sigh, “thanks doll, you know how much you mean to me.” you gulped, trying so desperately to breathe but you couldn't, his words taking all the air from your lungs. you opted to just hang up the phone instead of responding.

somehow you made it out to your car, no recollection of getting dressed or grabbing your keys. but you were back to reality now, and all you could think was “should I really go and see him?” your hands gripping the steering wheel so hard your knuckles began to blanch. hadn't he made it clear weeks ago? you were just a quick fuck and a half decent friend, always so pretty for him, not enough to make him think about a relationship though. and yet, you started the car anyways, you drove over to his place, it used to be yours too. the drive couldn't have gone any slower, yet you were pulling into the parking lot before you knew it. walking up to his door, knowing you had one more shot to turn around and end it there, you grabbed the spare key from under the little garden gnome you'd gotten him a year ago, and you unlocked the door. you idiot. then you walked into his apartment, and made your way to his room. are you serious right now? and of course there he was waiting for you. only one thought in your head, god he's so pretty..

“’m so glad you're here, baby.” jeongin wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you towards him before connecting his lips to your neck and kissing all the spots he knew you loved. of course he knew them, he knew you better than you knew yourself.

“mhm.. I know innie.." you murmured while looking to the side, unintentionally giving him more access to the crook of your neck, before throwing your keys on the chair in the corner of his room.

you felt him pull away, only to come back once he had led you to his bed. towering over you, a small smile on his face as he leaned down to kiss your neck. he began running his hands down your torso before slipping them under your shirt to grab at your chest. his hands moving so gently over your skin, yet slow, achingly slow. jeongin slotted his knee between your thighs, the slightest bit of pressure being put against your core. a shaky breath and a whimper gave him all the confirmation he needed. peppering kisses along your jawline before meeting your lips. it was aggressive, tongue pushing it's way into your mouth, spit across your lips, all while he was touching and grabbing at your skin. your skin felt on fire, you needed some sort of release. how had he got you so worked up while doing so little? how did he still have this much control over you? you pulled at his hair, moved yourself against his knee just enough to satisfy the urge for some kind of friction.

"innie please.. need it so bad." you'd think you just entered another mans bed with how gently he began taking off your shirt, it all felt so slow, he was teasing you, testing to see how much he could get out of you. “innie, hurry please. don't wan’ wait anymore.” you were whining, begging for him to stop teasing you and just give you what you wanted, no, needed. “alright, honey, shh.. cmon lift your hips a little so I can take these off of you too.” he pulled at the top of your shorts, and you lifted your hips up allowing him to pull your shorts and panties off in one swift motion. 

grabbing your hips before moving his hands down your legs. gently rubbing his hands on your thighs before bringing them back up and reaching your clit, applying the slightest bit of pressure, trying to get you to moan his name just the way he wanted. throwing your head back, and arching your back, “ahh- innie.. jeongin oh my god.” he gently kissed your thighs offering slight squeezes, almost like he was afraid to grab you too hard. “that's it princess, same my name again, tell innie what you want.” “wan’... want your fingers, please innie please.” “alright love, ill give you whatever you want.” right.. ‘whatever you want’, you were too caught up in the feeling of his fingers near your core to actually feel upset about what he was saying.

but it didn't stop you from thinking about his actions. how was he able to hold you like you were made of glass? touch you so lightly, it felt like his fingers were just ghosting over you. he made sure to place you down gently, to tell you such sweet things.. how could such things come from a mouth as vile as his? 

you and jeongin weren't always like this, it was good at one point. you a real relationship. he really truly loved you, yet somewhere within the years, he stopped. he couldn't tell you why, he didn't know, or maybe you didn't care to ever ask in the first place. endless miscommunication. he may not love you, but at least in some way he still cared about you, even if it was late into the night and only if he could touch you in whatever way he pleased. you loved him still, and you weren't ready to give up yet. how else could you make him stay? 

his fingers made their way to your entrance, slick built up from his teasing. “always so pretty and wet for me. just for innie, yea?" you nodded while grabbing at his hair, lightly tugging. “yesyes always for you, just for you, jeonginnie. pleasepleaseplease.” you weren't quite sure what you were begging for anymore, you knew he would fuck you so why beg? did you want him to love you? kiss you and hold you? your thoughts becoming scrambled as he slowly pushed 2 fingers into you, slowly pulling them out then pushing them back in, curling them right at that sweet spot. you closed your eyes, unable to handle all the pleasure he was giving you. his fingers reached places yours simply couldn't. 

he kissed his way up your torso before getting right to your collarbone and stopping, his hand never moving away from your core. “princess, you still here?” he put his finger under your chin nudging your head up. you were still moaning, clenching around his fingers, trying to think of a response as he quickened the pace. “yes, just wanna cum innie.. p- please.” you whimpered, “alright love, you got me, im here. cum for me baby, come on.” he went back down, this time finally connecting his mouth with your clit. humming slightly when you let out a higher pitched moan. small kitten licks as he kept fucking you with his fingers, coaxing an orgasm out of you, just as you had asked him. before you knew it you were coming undone on his fingers. moaning, pulling at his hair, incoherent words spilling for your lips as he helped you ride your high out. finally pulling himself away from you, lips slightly wet from your juices, your legs still shaking as he softly rubbed circles on your thighs.

“you still okay doll?” “mhm.. want more, need you jeongin.” your hand on his clothed chest, pulling at his shirt, a silent request for him to take it off. he seemed to understand what you wanted, retreating from the bed to rid himself of his clothing. you stared at him as he stripped, it almost felt like he was giving you a small show. it didn't matter how many times this happened, you never got over how big his dick actually was. seeing him always made you nervous, how is it gonna fit? even though he makes it fit every single time. he got back onto the bed, towering on top of your small frame again, giving you a few kisses before he lined himself up with your entrance, pushing in slowly, his soft hand caressing your cheek. you were whimpering, tossing your head from side to side, and grabbing at his biceps, “innie too much too much canttakeanymore..” your speech was slurred, “you can do it doll, take me so well every time.” you knew he had to have been only half way in, but you felt so full, it felt like he was splitting you apart. “still so tight after I fucked you with my fingers... so cute, always asking me for more.” he whispered close to your ear, it sent a shiver down your spine. he kissed your face gently as he continued to push himself deeper into you before finally bottoming out. tossing his head back and groaning every time you clenched down on him, “see princess? took it all j-just for me.” your breathing was rigid, trying to get used to his size. your fingers gripping harder onto his arm, whining “why are you so big? its too much.” “its okay baby, take your time, you can do it.” “j.. jeongin move, please move.”

he connected his lips with yours, the kiss was hot and sloppy. he moved his hands down to grab your hips, slowly building up speed. each thrust causing you to whimper and moan into his mouth. he pulled away from your lips only to reconnect himself to your jaw and move down to your neck while letting out strings of curses, softly biting your neck every time he felt you clamp down. he had completely littered your neck and chest with red and purple hickeys, even after everything was done you'd still be reminded of him, that ultimately, you were still his. “fuck.. so tight for me... always so fucking good." he moaned as you moved your hands under his arms and clawed at his back, not only was he picking up his pace but he was going harder, each thrust making his tip kiss your cervix. “fuck innie.. ahh.. right there please, moremoremore” “more what princess? talk to me.” he fucked into you faster, he wanted to fuck you dumb, make it hard for you to say anything to him. “shit.. harder please.. god, jeongin, please harder!”

its like something in him snapped at that moment, pulling away from you and grabbing your wrists before putting them above your head and holding them there. “why do you keep begging? are you that much of a greedy slut for me?” he looked down at you, so small beneath him. such a tiny little thing, all his, only for him to use. “mm! yes innie, I am!” “do you want me to fuck you dumb? make you feel so good you can't think?” “yesyesyes please! wan’ be good for you.” you kept babbling nonsense and moaning to the point where you couldn't even think a proper thought. he had reached his goal. “who fucks you this good, y/n? who makes you scream like this?” you were trying so hard to form a response, really you were! yet you failed, unable to register the things he was saying. it didn't help that he kept snapping his hips into yours and hitting the one spot that made you see stars. he stilled his hips, grabbing your cheeks with one hand and making your face form a pout. “answer me, who fucks you this good?” “you, jeongin! only you fuck me like this! please dont want you to stop.” you moved your hips while whining, “atta girl.” he was back to assaulting that sweet spot, fucking into you at a rapid, unwavering pace. you couldn't stop moaning, almost like you had no control over yourself anymore. all you could think about was jeongin and how good he felt. in the midst of everything, your mouth hung open just slightly, drool falling onto your lips, tears threatening to spill from your half lidded eyes. “awwhh, poor little baby crying because that can't take what they asked for? didn't you say harder, love? isn't this what you wanted?” he was taunting you, he knew exactly what he was doing. tears fell from your eyes and you kept nodding and babbling, completely fucked out while your legs trembled, “’s too much innie, too much, c-cant take it!” “getting fucked so good you're crying now? are you that much of a whore for my dick?” you cried harder, sobbed for him, begging him to not stop, while going on and on about it being too much, before you knew it you were begging him to let you cum too. 

“in... fuck- innie.. wan’ cum for you, please need to.. love you so much.. please need to cum,” the pace he was going at was cruel, and so precise, every thrust hitting right where it needed to. “I'm nowhere near finished with you and you're already gonna cum? are you that much of cock hungry bitch?” “yesyesyes love you so much, i love you! jeonginnie! please let me cum! need to cum,” “come on then, wanna feel you cum on my cock.” and with that he was kissing you as you moaned and trembled in his grasp, he gently released your wrists and slowed down, fucking you through your orgasm. “that's my good girl,” it almost sounded as though he put an emphasis on the word, making it known that you were his.

you dont know why, but you used all the strength you had left to wrap your legs around his waist as you grabbed his face, “keep going please... want you to cum in me innie.. need to feel you.” you pulled his face back down and kissed him, you felt his hips stutter slightly before he put one of his hands behind your neck and the other holding on to your hip so hard you knew it'd leave a mark in the morning. he deepened the kiss, it was full of passion, tender yet sloppy, so hot you thought it would burn you. you tangled your fingers in his hair and held onto him. he had slowed down a lot, only pulling out halfway before sinking back into your warm cunt. you weren't screaming his name anymore nor moaning so loud that he would be gettin noise complaint, rather it felt almost too intimate, small moans and a couple swears. sweet nothings “love you so much, want to kiss you innie, keep going please” and him reciprocating, “feel so good around me, never want to let you go, you're perfect... love you.” the last two words made your chest begin to feet tight, almost like you couldn't breathe and you screwed your eyes shut. he was too caught up in the moment, right? surely he didn't mean to say that. his thrusts became sloppy and jeongin started breathing heavier, “cmon baby, cum for me, please.” you whispered into his ear, tugging on his hair a bit, you heard a small “mhm” come from him as he kissed all around your neck, you swore you even felt him smile against it every time you said his name. a familiar knot in your tummy formed. with a few harsh thrusts from him he was filling you up, as you unraveled around him while mumbling about how much you loved him.

you both laid their for a moment, catching your breath and just holding onto each other. after a few minutes he leaned up slightly, wiping the tears off your cheek, but these weren't from earlier.  “y/n, why are you crying?” and you snapped back to reality. of course he was just saying all of that because of the sex, why else would he be that sweet to you? he hadn't said your name like that in awhile, it sounded too cold. you felt your heart break just a bit, your short-lived dream being ripped right from your hands.

he was holding himself just enough above you to not be laying on top of you, and you missed how close he felt to you, you understood the intimacy was over. he rubbed your cheek, “why are you crying? was I too rough? did I hurt you?” he pushed himself off of you and took in everything. your chest had hickeys all over it, neck covered in bite marks, hip starting to bruise from his ruthless grip, lips bitten and red, hair disheveled, he felt horrible, did he really hurt you? well no, not in that way at least.

you had no clue why you couldn't stop crying, offering him a small smile as tears kept falling from your eyes, “no jeongin.. it was great. you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't hurt me, I wanted you to be rough, promise. I just... I missed that.” you saw his jaw tense, “what do you mean..? the sex? we do that all the time..” you turned your head to the side trying to avoiding his gaze. he quickly, yet gently, grabbed your jaw and made you look at him, you were his, and he had full control of you. “no.. missed you.. holding me and talking to me like that.” “y/n- baby... im sorry, you know it can't be that way anymore.” “I kn- I still love you.. dont know what to do with myself.” you cut yourself off. if not now, when? didn't he deserve to know you felt? did he not remember saying he loved you too? were you really just a tool for him to use? certainly that wouldn't be horrible, right? at least he would keep you around. it left you thinking, when had jeongin ever said something he didn't mean at least a little bit, though? some truth had to be hidden in his statement.

he ran his hand through your hair, “let's get you cleaned up and then we can talk about this, okay?” you stared at him, like a dear in the headlights, “talk about it..?” “mhm baby, we can talk about it. cmere let me walk you to the bathroom, clean you up.” you simply nodded, at a total loss for words. was this his form of a cruel joke?

he started a warm shower and got you both in. holding you against his chest, you could hear his heart beating, it was so steady. it was silent for awhile, only small sniffles coming from you. he held you, letting the warm water run over you and ease your muscles.

"turn around so i can wash your hair, darling." “mkay..” his fingers massaged your scalp slowing working his way around your head before rinsing the shampoo out of your hair. he helped you wash your body. making sure to gently go over each area, small apologies after he touched every mark. “dont apologize.. like it when you mark me like that..” he only hummed in response. you knew he loved doing it to you, too. as he finished rinsing the bubbles off your body, he reached for the shampoo, and just before he could pick the bottle back up, you grabbed it, "innie, can i wash your hair too?" you sounded so enthusiastic, like it was something you had been waiting to do. that stupid smile of his, he let out a small laugh. "of course you can wash my hair." you smiled back at him, placing a small kiss on his cheek. he put his head down so you could wash his hair completely, you started to wash his body for him, you took this opportunity to take the full view of him in. only a few marks left from your mouth on him, his back had scratch marks all the way down, you stifled a giggle when you saw. it felt so natural.. normal again, but things like that are too good to be true aren't they? you turned the water off and got towels for each other. you stared at him as he dried his hair, "your hair got long again.." you said lowly, you hadn't noticed it until now. you hadn't been this close to him for a long time, "i haven't had the time to cut it yet.." you hummed in response before drying yourself off. "i like when you grow it out.." you thought you had said it softly enough that he hadn't heard, but you were met with him saying, "i know" before holding your head to his chest for a moment.

"let me go get us some clothes- are you okay wearing mine? i don't have any of yours here.." "yea jeonginnie, your clothes are just fine." something in you was glad that you hadn't asked to keep a spare change of clothes here, but you shouldn't be happy, you shouldn't have hope that this will work out again... but god do you want it to.

walking back into the bathroom, he handed you a shirt you used to wear to bed all the time, "i remember this one, you got it from Chan during new years right?" "Mhm, same time when i asked you.. sorry." he stopped himself, the grin on his face falling, he looked upset with himself for bringing up the memory of when you two first got together. granted, you never forgot, you think about it all the time. shaking your head, you put on his clothes and walked back into the bedroom.

there was a long pause, where you both just looked at each other trying to figure out what to say, "so...” you looked around the room, trying to break the silence but jeongin quickly spoke, “you still love me?” your eyes widened again, you hadn't expected that. "you kept saying it when we were.."

you stopped him, “you said it too...” he looked at you and nodded, acknowledging that he had reciprocated the words. so he said it on purpose... “of course I still love you jeongin.. why else would I keep coming back?”

he held your hand in his as he looked down.. “but I said some really horrible things to you y/n, I just let you leave, and then i only called you for things like this.." “mhm.. I didn't want to lose you completely.. needed to find a way to stay with you.” “princess.. im so sorry.”

you shook your head and pulled your hand away, “dont apologize, that means you're gonna leave.” panic rising in your chest, “baby.. im apologizing because I dont want to leave. I want to be around you, you don't know how much i still love you.” just as quickly as the anxiety came, it left.

you could feel your eyes getting watery again, you didn't know you had any tears left to spare. but for him you always did, you had everything to give him, you just needed him to let you. “do you really want me innie...? do you want a relationship outside of sleeping with me? im too clingy and I can't do stuff right..” he knew you were referring to the things he had told you, it pained him, chewing on his bottom lip to fight off the tears he knew would spill at any moment. god, how he regretted hurting you. he never meant to, he couldn't stand seeing you upset because of him. “love... im so sorry I told you things like that i.. i dont know why i did.” he grabbed your cheeks and looked into your eyes, “I didn't mean it. you're not too clingy, I want to be glued to your side every second of the day. I never want you to leave my arms. I want to be around you more than anything else. and.. and you're not incompetent my love, you do so much right, im the one who messed up. of course I want a relationship with you y/n, I didn't know you still wanted me after everything that happened.” was he always this dumb? of course you still wanted him. you put your face into his chest, trying to say something but you couldn't. the only words that would come out were sorry, and love you. he knew you couldn't put it into words just yet. he held onto you so tightly, but it wasn't close enough. you needed to be closer, you needed to crawl into his ribcage and make a home next to his heart. but you already resided there. you were always there, he loved you more than anything and deep down you knew that. thats only fair right? he had made a home inside of you, an endless garden that flourished through every limb, every cell within you, constantly growing, begging for you to never uproot it, and of course you wouldn't. when he had abandoned the garden, that is your heart, you continued to water it, show it love, in hopes that one day he'd come back and stay there. maybe this was what you were waiting for. you loved him more than bees love flowers, more than the stars love the moon, more than life itself. 

jeongin held you in his arms and placed a kiss on the top of your head. “love you innie..” “I love you too... baby im sorry I didn't try to fix this sooner.” there was a pause in his speech, but you didn't doubt that he truly meant what he was saying. “we can fix it now, right?” you looked up at him, pleading, silently begging him to tell you ‘we can fix this’.  “if you'll let me, ill do everything to prove im a better man now. I dont want to live without you like this anymore. I cant tell you how much I love you.” “I dont want you to tell me you love me, jeongin. just show me. show me that you love me like I love you.” you pulled away and kissed him for the nth time tonight, but it felt different. it felt loving, there was no lust, just a kiss between two people who loved each other. a kiss that signified a promise, a promise to keep trying, to show each other endless love. a kiss shared to say things neither of them could. 

a/n: PLEASE I REREAD THIS SO MANY TIMES IF THERES AN ERROR IM SORRY? HOW DID I MISS IT?? you can thank tv girl for this fic because the whole inspo was from "her and her friend". i literally couldn't stop writing, it felt never ending. may be a bit disorganized, but i tried really hard to make it as fluid as possible. i hope the ending didn't feel rushed either? i thought i closed it off pretty well. that being said, please give me feedback on what you liked/didnt! i will take it into consideration when writing my next piece! my requests are open!

[berylcups]

COULD YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO EITHER A RIZZOTTO with new y/n La squad goals member who is happy go lucky (annoyingly so & loud) and does their best to make everyone happy but is actually very insecure because they have a history of mental abuse and is scared to let people down or have them be mean to them. So they always pretend everything is alright for others sake. 2 maybe, New la squad up member who has a chronic illness but works from the nave because they have a remote stand. And has a lot of days where they try to avoid people and go in and out of their room purposely when no one is around because they don’t want the others to think of them as week when they know they already do from over hearing conversations specifically from Prosciutto. When they accidentally walk into a room when everyone is there and ya know classic turn around their behind me aren’t they troupe and he doesn’t apologize and just states it again infront of them (for like the third time they have herd him say it). They say nothing stand there with tears because this was infront of the whole crew. And then the next day they move out of bace and just do operations from a new remote location because they where such a bother. And ya know no one leaves the mafia without.. . So they just use text or voice chat like before just they don’t talk or use voice to text. Or just type. Ovi x Prosciutto. But I want to see this man get vonerable. And maybe some praise and compliments. Basically he misses them realizes he said this stuff because he couldn’t admit his feelings yatta yatta. And basically big boys up to get them to move back and admit he was wrong. And maybe Pesci says he’s wrong infront of the crew and nocks some sence into him.

Gachhaio (whatever however you type it lol) is paired up with a new member who is skiddish. To loud noises. A suffer to verbal abuse in the past. And it gives them PTSD. Comfort

And last potential one, idk if you write for Pesci alot of people don’t. He is a sweet boy. 🥺 but maybe same new member situation. But y/n is kinda… an air head. With an hour glass figure but chubby for sure. And insecure about it. So when the others hit on her they think they are making fun especially when they are out and Illusio makes a comment about their weight when eating. After he’s tired of hearing Formaggio hit on y/n even through it’s not getting through to them. And for once Pesci stands up to someone(him lol) and says he’s just jealous he can’t get someone as beautiful or something. And than the guys all tease him after that. But y/n thanks him and starts to like him. But what he was saying about Illusio was actually a self reflection. And y/n catches him um… stealing underwear one day. Praise and pervert kink ig idk.

Anyways those are some ideas idk you don’t have to use them lol but I thought it would be cool lol. All Yandere tho please is you use one or all or none idk LMAO 😭 sorry if these where too long or detailed 😭😭😭 it’s been a long day and I’m high lol girl just knows what they want 😭😭😭

Yandere Ghiaccio x Abused! Reader

Hey there! Sorry it took me forever to answer this! I was just trying to figure where to start with what I wanted to do with this! Don’t be sorry, details can be helpful! But I try to do 1 ask at a time since my ADHD brain can only handle that much at a time 😅. ADHD brain go brrrr 🫨

For this ask, I opted to do a yandere ghiaccio x emotionally abused/abandonment issue reader if that’s okay- I figured that would work best with my current skillset since theres a broad spectrum of ptsd symptoms. At least that’s how I have had dealt with it first hand. Either way I hope this is something that you were looking for and I hope you can get some enjoyment out of it! 🥺

Tw: physical abuse, mental abuse, abandonment issues, drugging, kidnapping, hypothermia, unalive mention, SA (mentioned only)

Notes: this gets pretty sad with lots of feels but ends with comfort…. Oh and yandere tropes . Please heed the TWs before reading if you’re in a sad place, your mental health is more important!💜 Beryl

“ Who do you wanna live with y/n-baby? Me and step daddy? Or your deadbeat real dad?” Y/N’s mother chirped as she was going through her belongings to put into another cardboard box. They were moving from _____ all the way to Morioh Japan.

“Uh um…” Y/N had to think about it for a moment. Her mom is blissfully unaware that her stepfather is abusive to her, even though the bruises couldn’t be more obvious. She rubs the sore flesh on her small wrist. “I think I want… to stay with Daddy.”

———-

“Woah kiddo! You wanna stay with ME??? You know I travel a lot and you won’t be able to settle down in a real home like your moms! Besides, what about getting a stable education and group of friends?” He nearly choked to death on his Vietnamese coffee . “Shit I don’t wanna be responsible for Y/N! I kill for a living and they’re gonna get in the way of that!”

Y/N rolls up their sleeves and shows the bruises the stepfather inflicted on them. “ Daddy please… I don’t want to be hit anymore.”

For once in this selfish man’s life, it tugged on his heart strings seeing the deep purple bruises decorate their body. “I guess I have no choice. They’re going to be miserable living under their roof.”

“Alright kiddo… you can come with me.”

They visited places all over the world. Surfing from hotel to hotel.Bangkok, Dandong, Vladivostok, Prague, Abu Dhabi, Paris, and many many others… until they settled into Italy.

———-

For the past 7 years they were in a boarding school

in Italy. Their father saved up some to send them there to get some sense of normalcy. They met after every assignment he had. He was going to be there for their school graduation but… they waited and waited. He never came. No letters, no phone calls, no nothing. Did he move on to a better life without them? Or due to the line of work…did he die? Y/N was devastated. Either way meant heartbreak and Y/N didn’t have the heart to find the answer for closure. A gaping wound that could never heal.

Fast forward to now- Y/N with nowhere left to turn. They join Passione in hopes of making a decent living. They felt their lives were already ruined so what’s there to lose in joining a crime syndicate?

————

So how did it end up like this? Y/N alone in a basement. No windows , no light, no heat. The only thing covering them was their sleeveless top and a pair of shorts. Y/N tried curl up to maintain body heat but a pair of cuffs prevented them from doing so.

“Where am I? What happened?” The thoughts echoed in Y/Ns mind. Then above them they hear footsteps, then the turn of a door knob. The bright light bleeding through the door burns Y/Ns eyes as they squint as they hear someone walking down the steps. From the brief glimpse their silhouette looked very familiar…and then their heart sunk when they heard the voice.

“Well it’s about time you woke up. You really kept me waiting, you know?”

It was Ghiaccio. Their friend, their teammate, the one who they trusted their life with. He kidnapped them.

“Ghiaccio… why?” They said through chattering teeth.

“Why?! What do you mean WHY??? You wouldn’t move in with me! That’s why!” He raised his voice as he took offense to their question.

That’s where the memories began flooding back… They invited him over to discuss their next mission together. They both wanted to be prepared for this particular stand user.

————-

Y/N stood in front of the kitchenette waiting for the kettle to heat up.

Ghiaccio sat on her futon bed watching them as they swayed their hips from side to side, and humming to some unknown tune. It seemed to put him in a trance.

“How many sugars do you want Ghia?” Y/N asked.

Ghiaccio snapped out of it. “ Oh! Uh… 1 is fine.”

“Okay~! 1 sugar for you, and 3 sugars for me!” They poured the tea into 2 equal sized mugs and sat it down on a fold out table in front of him. “ here you go, just the way you like it Ghia ~”

“ thanks… uh. Y/N… doesn’t this place make you feel a bit claustrophobic?” Ghiaccio probed.

“ well it’s not the nicest place but it’s all I can really afford y’know? Especially since the boss is being extra cheap and cutting our pay, I really don’t have a choice.” Y/N said as they blew on their tea to cool it down.

A commotion could be heard from the floor above. It sounds like an argument between a hooker and a pimp.

“ what the hell is that?” Ghiaccio barked .

“ oh calm down. It’s just the neighbors from up stairs. It’s not a big deal.” Y/N said unbothered by the additional noise .

“Y/N look- don’t take this the wrong way but… this place is a fucking dump! This is no place for an AFAB like you!” Ghiaccio confessed bluntly.

“Ugh, again with the way I live. Do we have to always criticize me and my life?! First my accent is too thick, I have poor grammar, now I dress like a slut, or I don’t assimilate to Italian culture, NOW I live in squalor to you?! Is nothing ever good enough for you Ghiaccio?!” Y/N snapped.

“ What?! I said nothing about any of those things! Yes they need improvement but that’s not what I’m talking about right now! I just want you to be somewhere safe! I demand you come move in with me!” He yelled back.

“Move in with YOU??? No way! Not with the way you criticize me! After the way you’ve been treating me lately I wanna be as far from you as possible! Look…I’m gonna take a minute to cool down and freshen up in the bathroom to collect my thoughts kay?”

“Ugh fine. Whatever.” He responded coolly not wanting to escalate the situation further.

“This is unacceptable. They can’t live like this!” Ghiaccio thought angrily. He looked around the small apartment and saw outdated amenities, hand me down furniture and a sad excuse for a bed that he was sitting on that doubled as a couch. The futon was so flattened he could feel the support beams dig straight into his ass! Not to mention the tea tastes like shit! The poor thing can’t get even a nice box of loose leaf tea! What the fuck!

Her tea is unattended and he remembers the sedative he got from Melone. “ Here’s this in case you decide you want to get closer with Y/N.” Melone winked.

He was pissed at the time that he would even dare think that he should drug them! But now…maybe it’s his chance to get what he’s always wanted, and to give them a REAL home . He took the tablet out from his wallet, out of the wrapper and dropped it right into their drink.

“ Are we done arguing about my living situation now? ” Y/N huffed as they came back out folding their arms defensively.

“Look Y/N. You know I’m only looking out for you. I’ll drop it, I know sometimes I can be too harsh.”

Y/N took a sip of their tea and smiled. “Thanks Ghia. I know you mean well. Let’s just pretend this argument never happened and let’s have a good day.”

The whole night seem to become a blur. The last thing they remember is Ghiaccio saying something that he wanted to get off his chest. And then, nothing…

———-

“Gh-Ghiaccio… I have a h-home. I invited you over…rree-remember?” Y/N stuttered from fear and the sudden temperature drop.

“ You call that dingy little studio apartment a home?! No way! I told you that you shouldn’t live there! And it’s in the shitty side of town! What if you get robbed?! Or raped?! Or even worse, killed?!” He questioned ignoring the complete irony that he literally drugged and kidnapped them.

The cold was getting too much to bear. The goosebumps littered the entirety of Y/N skin, and the pain radiated in their hands and feet. They were starting to lose dexterity. Hypothermia was beginning to set in.

“Please Ghiaccio…. Please Stop using white album . I’ll do whatever you say- I’m - I’m ju-just so c-c-cold… I can’t feel my fingers or my toes…”

“I can’t let you leave. You clearly don’t know what’s good for you. You’re so goddamn dense Y/N! Don’t you know that I’ve been looking out for you all this time? I can’t live without you!” He stomped his foot out of frustration.

“I know… and I’m sorry… but Ghiaccio you know I have trouble trusting people right ? You’ll just get tired of me and toss me aside.” They wept.

“ you have the audacity to think I will get TIRED OF YOU ?! For fucks sake Y/N! I’m goddamn obsessed with you!” He couldn’t believe that they were doubting his love. If this wasn’t the very being of his affection he’d strangle them right now.

“Who’s the one who drives you everywhere? Who’s the one who’s always with you on missions? Who’s the one who always makes sure you get home safe? Who’s the one who stands up for you when the guys are being assholes??? All me! You think that’s all just a coincidence? That I’m doing it as just as a friend? Fuck no! I do it because I love you dammit!” He yelled.

His rage just made the room get even colder. Y/N definitely couldn’t feel their hands, they tried to make a fist out of frustration but their hand barely moved. They started to hyperventilate a fog. The tears were slowly starting to solidify on their cheeks.

“Ghiaccio you don’t get it! You dumbass!” They cried from frustration. “My mother never wanted me…My father never wanted me…the people who I thought were my friends didn’t want me, so who the hell wants me??? I don’t even want me! How can I believe you would want me?! It just feels like a sick joke!” They sobbed.

For once in his life, he was at a loss for words. He felt like someone hit him hard in the gut. He knew about their background but didn’t know they felt so low that they didn’t believe that they were going to ever be loved.

“Y/N…Don’t say shit like that.” His voice toned down to almost a whisper. He got down on their level and his features softened as he wiped away the tears.

“ Don’t you know what it feels like to not be loved? I’ve been abandoned and left to fend for myself. I thought about ending my life so many times. But I always push it off another day…in hopes that you’ll change my mind. You always do when we talk. Hehe… when you complain about English and other things it makes me forget about how lonely I am.” Y/N confessed.

“I’m glad you chose to stay. And I want you to stay here. With me. I will go crazy without you.” He hugged them hard, nuzzling his head into their neck.

He felt like he was made of fire, he was so warm. They nuzzled back, returning the affection.

“Can you stop your stand and uncuff me now? I promise I’ll stay.” Y/N pleaded.

He thought about it for a minute as the cold dissipated. “Hmm… okay. As long as you stay here. This is your home now. Anything you need I’ll get it for you. I’m gonna be your provider.” He gave his conditions as he uncuffed them.

“Okay Ghia. It’s set in stone. This is my home now.” They hugged him and kissed him on the cheek.

Feeling their cool lips brush up against his cheek caused all the blood flow to go straight to his face.

“Let’s go upstairs and get you warmed up.” He grabbed their hand gently and guided them upstairs to the bedroom where all the comfy blankets were to warm themselves.

“Your room looks so cozy…and messy. Hehe.” Y/N giggled looking at the unmade bed and articles of clothing tossed around the room.

“Uh yeah… I like to keep my house neat but I never bother with my bedroom because I’m the only one who is ever in here. But now that you’re here I should start cleaning up.” He muttered as he scratched the back of his head from embarrassment.

“It’s not a big deal. I can clean up after the both of us. It’s just laundry.” Y/N smiled as they sat down on the bed. “Uh… will you hold me to help me warm back up? My hands and feet stopped hurting but I still have goosebumps…”

“Yeah.” He laid down behind them and nervously wrapped his arms around them. “This help?”

“Yeah. A lot, you’re really warm.” Y/N scooted in closer and closed the gap between them.

“…” they couldn’t look from behind but his face was as red as his glasses. He nuzzled his face into their hair and neck. “I hope you will feel at home here soon. I know it’s not the way that I should have brought you here but I just couldn’t stand seeing you struggle so bad. You’re good at lying and pretending everything is okay and I know when you’re not. You lose the light in your eyes.” He hugged hard like he was afraid of losing them.

“I know… but you know me. Probably more than I know myself. I’m headstrong and never like saying I need help.”

“This is the first time in forever I feel like I’m home. My father used to tell me that the world is our home and there’s so much to look forward to. That used to comfort me…but only for a little. The boarding school was nice but I was the only ____ so it felt kinda lonely. But being in here with you makes me feel a way I never felt before. I feel so safe and fuzzy…especially in your arms. And I know… I can’t take it for granted. Our work makes our future uncertain. So that’s why I’m going to cherish each moment I have with you. All we can do is live each day to the fullest.”

“Good. I’m glad. Because I don’t want to ever lose you. If any bastard even tries to come near you I’m gonna freeze them to death.” He said while yawning.

“Aw you’re making me sleepy… and don’t worry, I only have eyes for you Ghia.” Y/N yawned back.

“Go to sleep Y/N. It’s almost midnight anyway. I’m tired too. If any of the guys tries to bother us now that we’re together… I’m not going hesitate to deck them in the face. Well, good night Y/N.” He pulled the duvet over each other.

“Nighty night Ghia.”

[intermundia]

ok idk if anyone's asked this before. but. i've been following your fics for the past while (lovelovelove btw) and realized for the first time yesterday when i perused your masterlist just how many you've published. holy shit dude!! mega kudos. i've been polishing up a couple different wips since new years this year but haven't published any so far, so ig i wanted to ask for advice on getting out there as a fic writer? i've never published before lol. what's ur methods and advice, chef

ahhh thank you :) i am so excited for you!! imho you're standing on the threshold of a beautiful adventure, like you've packed your bags (got some wips) and are ready to head out the door. it's intimidating but in my experience the first comment you get will make all the stress worth it; it will wash away your reservations and give you a hit of affirmation that will only drag you further on into sharing more. it's a virtuous circle that you just have to start.

as trite as it sounds, my biggest piece of advice is to fake it until you make it, like pretend you've published a hundred times before and are perfectly confident and entitled to put your work up in public. that's what i did the first time, i pretended to be someone normal lol. i knew what i expected to see from others and made my story summary and tags look like that to avoid negative ripples (no such ripples really exist in reality, but i know how anxiety whispers lies).

it worked because there's no front door or barrier to entry to posting on ao3, you know? you are exactly as welcome and valid as i am there; we both see the same site back end and the same draft page. you are the same as anybody who has already published. if you have wips and have something that could reasonably be considered finished? pick one, something small even, and just post it. you can edit it once it's live if something dire comes up, i do it all the time.

this is actually something that is causing me a lot of writer's block right now, the fact that i am being far too perfectionist and precious about the next chapter of my main wip. i simply care way too much about the story, so i'm so scared of doing it wrong, so i've been sitting on it. but the way that i've published more 50 stories in the past is trusting my gut about when something is done and pushing it out to the public before i hold myself back.

you have to just keep moving forward, that's the key. tell yourself the next story will be better and remember the last story is better than you think it is. make your chapters as long or as short as you feel is right, post as often or as sparingly as you need. share on other social media once you're done if you want, people want to know there is more of the thing they love in the world, you know? you're offering a gift, and that's kind.

i know that all the advice in the world is basically useless unless you see it at the right moment you need it, and none of my advice is anything that you haven't heard before, but if you need a sign that it's time to pull the trigger, that you are allowed to post things, that people want to see your work, that you're welcome and important to the community by sharing your voice—please take this post as that sign. be confident, because you deserve that confidence, and hit post <3