#But ofc I can't cry at work
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0xeyedaisy Ā· 2 days ago
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Aw man...
#Vent incoming wee woo wee woo#Goooood man I feel so. Stressed and anxious cuz of my job#I hate it. I hate trying not to cry every 5 minutes#I hate the feeling in my chest. It's like someone is poking really hard into it#It's almost suffocating#I feel awful. Every little thing makes me angry. I don't want to be angry at ppl who did nothing wrong. I don't want to be like this#I really wish I wasn't like this. Why can't I be more calm and normal#I feel like I need a good cry. But I don't have anywhere to go for that#When I'm at home I don't feel like crying cuz I purposefully distract myself from stress#But I do feel like crying at work#But ofc I can't cry at work#And even at the end of the Day when going home I'm too tired to cry. Plus it would look weird for other ppl walking by...#I hate this. I get all stressed durring work but then I can't let it out#I have work rn. And tomorrow#I'm just gonna have to feel awful until my Days off come#God. I really hate venting. I don't like ppl seeing me like this but. I don't have anything else left to relieve the pain#I just don't know what to do anymore#Where to go#Whatever. This feeling will go away eventually#It will come back ofc#I just wish there was a better way to ease the pain. But again. I don't have a place for that#So I'll just have to seat w these feelings until they go away#I'll try to keep myself distracted. Which will be hard cuz I. Am at work. The place which makes me feel these things in the first place#But whatever! I'll try anyways#I'll look at art. Or I'll think about characters that I like...#Save me fictional characters. Save me!!#Anyways. Vent over šŸŽ‰
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agalychnisspranneusroseus Ā· 3 months ago
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No you don't understand, Anne and Marcy third-wheeling Sasha during the dinner episode (and Sasha third-wheeling herself during battle of the bands) is so important to me. Anne and Marcy have come so far having left Sasha behind. They're happy and confident and strong and closer than ever, all because they were finally free. Because Sasha wasn't there to stunt their growth. Despite how much they love Sasha and how much they don't want to admit the distance helped them, it's true: Anne and Marcy were both victims of a toxic friend and they're learning to move on together. Ik it sounds like I hate Sasha because whenever I write about her I make her out to be a massive piece of shit but that's because... she kinda was! And I love her for that! I love these three, I love their story and their drama and toxicity (I was soooo happy when it was revealed Marcy wasn't as great as she initially seemed like - yes! The CONFLICT is CONFLICTING). Like yes marcanne is my obsession, I have marcanne brain worms, but I think one of the reasons marcanne works so well is because of Sasha. Their past, present and future with her have such a huge impact in Anne and Marcy's relationship with each other and with themselves. You can't separate these three and I love it, how easy it is to ship two of them without making it weird by leaving the third one behind (ironically, Sasha the Character is included by leaving Sasha the Person behind).
Marcanne to me is about two childhood friends living in a toxic situation healing together after leaving, only able to fall in love now that they are free and more comfortable with themselves and each other. They couldn't fully connect with each other before - not really. Anne didn't see the importance of listening to what Marcy had to say nor did she take it too seriously, and Marcy was simply not in contact with real people in the real world at all. None of this was Sasha's fault entirely, but she did third-wheel Marcy and she was possesive with Anne and was just a generally terrible influence on her, while reminding Marcy that, well, she didn't really matter all that much to anyone. Removing Sasha from the equation is not enough but it's a necessary step towards knowing each other better and the fact that they so easily became closer than ever just shows their eagerness to be together for real this time. Marcy's increased confidence and Anne's newfound empathy and admiration for her friend wouldn't have been possible with Sasha's domineering influence present. If they were to fall in love, it'd be because Sasha wasn't there to stop it.
I imagine that, once she finds out, she'd be furious, but mostly just devastated. Her friends only found love once she was gone. As if they think they'll be better off without her.
#amphibia#marcanne#anne boonchuy#marcy wu#sasha waybright#marcanne meta#my posts#i saw a lil drawing one time. it was anne and sasha kinda swordfighting#and anne was protecting marcy like holding her in one arm while pointing her sword at sasha w the other one#but it was like a sketch and in a screenshot alongside like 6 other drawings without links or credit or anything#but from the context of the post I thinkkkkkkk it may have been a doodle made by someone who worked in amphibia??#if that's the case I'd love to know. because i'd love to draw it#idk if I feel comfortable stealing some other fan's fanart idea tbh#but that tiny pixelated little thing was so adorable! i can't get the image out of my head#the CONCEPT of Anne defending Marcy from Sasha! a whole swordfight right there!#only believable if marcy is like injured or something ofc because she'd just try to like intervene to keep the peace. or escape. or try to#immobilize sasha peacefully#but if she's half-conscious or injured or something#(NOT inconscious because i want her to see the fight happen šŸ‘€)#oooooh boyy#anne choosing marcy over sasha! sasha realizing they REALLY are more important to each other than she is to either of them! marcy realizing#theres no hope for their friendship because sasha never wanted what was best for all of them and didnt really want her and anne to be happy#i needed a real marcy-sasha confrontation so bad i was so sad we didn't get one šŸ˜­ mostly I want marcy to realize sasha was horrible to her#maybe she's in denial maybe she's holding back tears repeating over and over again that sasha is their friend while anne softly tries to#talk to her. to make her see both she and sasha treated her like she was nothing. to make her understand she didn't deserve that#until marcy finally breaks and begins to cry ;-;#i have a whole fanfic in my head you do not understand
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claudiadpdl Ā· 2 months ago
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so my tire treads are getting below the legal limit, there's a nail in one of them, and it'll cost $1.2k to get them all replaced since apparently, due to having awd, i can't just do two. and i have nowhere near enough to afford that being done even in working two jobs. oh yeah, and winter is like a week away here. and the one person that could have helped me three times over doesn't give a fuck. honestly, what is the point, really. if this is just what my life is destined to be then i don't want to live it. im tired of putting on a brave face. im tired
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girlivealwaysbean Ā· 2 years ago
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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princess-of-the-corner Ā· 9 months ago
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The fucked Midoriya Family in my fic.
An DFO that panic retired from Villainy after Hearing Inko died, leaving a major power vacuum.
Shiggy, who is slightly more well adjusted to normal life having been taken with DFO when he retired.
Eri, who AFO nabbed to revert his face, and then he got attached to her (And Overhaul Got Punched)
and Izuku, whose mostly similar to canon.
Izuku still has his original goals and eventually meets All Might and drags him home (either for canon-esque successor reasons or just a parent-teacher conference) and the rest of the family is mildly oblivious as the two Spider-Man Meme at each other
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invinciblerodent Ā· 1 month ago
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(oh, i should not be trying to playfully weigh in on a "who's your LEAST favorite companion?" post, it starts off lighthearted and then it makes me go on my Fenris-rant again)
#squirrel plays dragon age#long story short; I don't dislike the character per se; I just think Gaider wasn't the right person to write him#and I feel somewhat vindicated by the knowledge that he didn't really choose to write him but was more or less left with him#David Gaider is a good but very unsubtle writer. he writes feelings that are LOUD and CLEAR and PASSIONATE. which is not a negative#it can work splendidly; for characters who can carry that weight and stand up to it#like Dorian for instance- I think he's Gaider at his absolute BEST for me. LOUD and PASSIONATE but also OOZING charisma#and the apparent arrogance and flippancy just adds to that. knowing the image he wants to present and how he demands to be seen;#the lines/feelings that don't match what he says or that warm and vibrant persona create a kind of contrast I wanna explore#but Fenris... he feels just as loudly; but both he and the story approaches that passion from a different angle#his loud feelings are cold and ugly and jagged; so getting close is an uphill battle solved mostly by the player finding him intriguing#or charming; and WANTING to figure him out and interact with him to find out where those feelings come from#he's not crying out to be known; he recoils from you and snaps at you at first; and you have to keep pushing to get past that#all while holding (reasonable but hard) views that snag and create uncomfortable conflicts with most of the cast and usually the PC too#which... I could personally take or leave; so being pushed away deliberately; well; it achieved the intended effect for me#I DO feel pushed away. but since I don't personally find myself very charmed or intrigued; I also don't feel compelled to keep pushing back#looking at it through my Hawke; I don't see much of a reason for him to be in my party besides the expectation that I'm meant to like him#and I can't explain it away by my Hawke liking him either because with the kind of characters I like to play; he just... doesn't jive#which made going through his storyline not a desire for me but rather a chore; AND it didn't endear him to me but made me go#ā€œwell I get why you're the way that you are now.... I still don't really wanna spend time around you thoā€#i realize it's ofc not the same for others; but to me; it didn't end up giving me much satisfaction#aw dangit; look at that; i started my rant again#why didn't anyone stop me huh#oh well slapping on a#fenris critical#and shoving this catharsis out the door like the incorrigible yapper that i am
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liebelesbe Ā· 1 year ago
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with the help of a job, you too can rediscover symptoms you thought you'd left behind, such as "barely being able to take a shower", "breathing problems" and many more!! :^)
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inkykeiji Ā· 9 months ago
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Clari ! I was listening to ethel cain today and her song Inbred (lol) is sooo touya-nii and reader ! I know you may not like it/listen to her because her music is similar to nicole dollanganger and I remember you saying somewhere that shes a lil triggering but! I just thought id share in case (Ā“ļ½”ā€¢ ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ ā€¢ļ½”`) ā™”
gore pop!! (Ė¶įµ” įµ• įµ”Ė¶) i can actually handle ethel cain a lot easier than i can handle nicole; thereā€™s just something about nicole that hits so close to home, and i think it might be because we grew up so close to one anotherā€”she really captures the barren, desolate, absolutely eerie feeling of small-town ontario thatā€™s so hard to explain if you didnā€™t grow up in small-town ontario AHAHA <3 ethel feels a little more removed from myself with her southern gothic type vibe n all that. i think theyā€™re both absolutely phenomenal artists + lyricists though!!!
anYWAY enough of my rambling; iā€™ve heard inbred before and youā€™re literally 100% RIGHT it is so touya-nii. my favourite part is scumbag fuck but i swear that heā€™s not / heā€™s so good to me and to nobody else / so you should watch yourself because itā€™s just,,, itā€™s touya-nii and his little sister to a T. itā€™s heā€™s the best to me, he loves me so much, and heā€™ll fucking kill you <33
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howthesleeplesswander Ā· 1 year ago
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ā› iā€™m sorry, but iā€™m just thinking of the right words to say. āœ // @Kazuma but... Masked Apprentice Kazuma?? šŸ‘€šŸ‘€šŸ‘€šŸ‘€
Songs from the 80's Sentence Starters | Accepting! | @tenacquity
((hoooOOOWEE ARE YOU READY TO CRY?? 8'D I SURE HOPE SO, HERE WE GOOO))
The right words?
He may have laughed at the statement if he remembered how. If it weren't so cruel in its irony. For the words this man spoke didn't matter when the mere sound of his voice shook the Apprentice to his core.
Every time, without fail. After months of wandering the foggy London streets like a wraith plucked from a ghost story, the feeling of being utterly lost was never as powerfulā€”or as weakā€”as in this man's presence.
He made the emptiness inside of him better, yet simultaneously worse. As the Apprentice watched him struggle to speak, he didn't recognize the churning depths of his eyes or the thoughtful crease to his browā€”and that unfamiliarity ached unlike anything else. Earth-shattering, even though he couldn't understand it. Powerful enough to change everything if only he could remember.
And he wanted to, with a desperation he didn't know himself capable of feeling before their fateful meeting in the Prosecutor's Office only yesterday. But he couldn't. He'd tried. And the same thought crushed down upon his shoulders now as it did then:
What right did he have to somethingā€”to someoneā€”he did not know?
He shouldn't be here.
He'd never intended to face him to begin with. With the halls of the Old Bailey dim and abandoned for the night, the Apprentice had been about to leave, too: prepared to spend another night searching for anything that might trigger his memories, if the other man hadn't found him first.
Wasn't this exactly what he'd wanted? Noā€”not this. It was too much. Too painful.
The Apprentice took a step back. Then another. Each one soundless yet stilted as he battled against himself: trapped between a visceral urge to flee, to leave this man behindā€”and an equally powerful conviction that he couldn't. Not again.
ā€”again?
He didn't...They didn't... Did they?
It was too much...!
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In the end the Apprentice moved no further. He merely watched, dark eyes unreadable in the shadows of his mask and cloak. Silently weathering the tempest of nonsensical emotion surging through his rib cage. Waiting for something he didn't understand.
Or, perhaps, simply waiting for the right words.
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satanfemme Ā· 2 years ago
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just got a tick for the first time in my entire life and I'm going to clean myself with fire I hate hate hate hate that thing definitely one of the worst experiences I've ever had I'm not exaggerating when I say that.
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themme--fatale Ā· 1 year ago
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.
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noxtivagus Ā· 2 years ago
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alphinaud my beloved he's just like me fr
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cesium-sheep Ā· 4 months ago
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ah shit that's part of why it's so fuckin hard. not only is the trauma of chronic illness inherently tied to the trauma of military service for me, it's also just. I've been too fucking sick to think about it. not just the past couple years, for a very long time. and I had to tear down into all of that today.
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arolesbianism Ā· 8 months ago
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The amount of times I've started a new post and simply typed "Olivia Broussard" and then deleted it is frankly embarrassing I can't take this anymore can everyone I've ever met just start being obsessed with this sad divorced woman too
#rat rambles#oni posting#like goddddd she still makes me feel so crazy#its so hard to sell ppl on oni lore because its just like yes its abt two divorced women and yeah its told through work emails and#work logs along with a bunch of other unrelated work emails and logs which you should also read no they are not actually relevant to the#plot the vast majority of the time but you need to read them anyways or Ill cry rly hard#oh also some of the divorced women lore is hidden in object descriptions that you have to find in game yourself#and also the wikki is outdated as hell so theres also a shit ton of logs you can't read out of game#also the divorced women arent technically canonically divorced but shhhh doomed toxic yuri guys#can anyone hear me? is anyone there? Im losing it over here#Im kidding ofc Im not broken up abt no one I know getting into oni quite frankly I dont think itd be their thing#there's like what one person I know who I think would enjoy it? and even them Im dont think theyd get as into it as me#but it does kill me that no one makes oni fanart for non duplicant characters#I love dupes but I wanna see the scientist going thru shit I wanna see hcs man#like not just for olivia and jackie but for all of them#for example I hc that ada is the type of person who has a mad scientist laugh as their normal laugh#she also likes to mumble to herself as she works and had a tendency to monologue dramatically as she sets a project into motion#some of her coworkers find her kind of intimidating because of this but she is genuinely rly nice#oh I also hc that she wears glasses šŸ‘#now tbf having any hcs for the scientists risky since theyre prone to be actively contradicted in the future but idc I wanna have fun
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cotyledonal Ā· 1 year ago
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ngl if my (not a trans thing, for possible imbalances) hormone consultation doesn't pan out or start giving me actual solutions, I am actually going to lose it I think
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tinystarbites Ā· 3 months ago
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accidents pt. II | Spencer Reid x fem!reader
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Summary: during a long case away, Spencer accidentally sees Reader's nudes on her phone and can't cope because he is a MESS for reader whoops pt.II The Reckoning /j, this is basically just 10k words of porn with feelings yikes
Warnings: SMUT MDNI, 18+ only, fem!reader, fluff, some angst (still Spencer feeling he isn't good enough šŸ˜”), EMOTIONSSS, Spencer STILL loves you so much, he gets a hug, and so much more!, talk about sex, detailed asking for CONSENT (be safe people), sex (piv), some frottage, uhhh what else, dirty talk, some dom/sub understones (sub!Spencer ofc), little bit allusion to subspace, Spencer discovers so many kinks in this awww we're so proud of you bby (mentioned kinks: praise kink, squint of liking being embarrassed, tiiny bit of a voyeristic thing), also I made him a virgin whoops so virgin!Spencer, proofread but prolly not perfect lol. Tell me if I'm missing any tags I am so tired
(also, Spencer will be bisexual in all of my Spencer fics because I am not a coward like the writers were and I will honour Spencer the way he was intended to)
HERE you can read pt. I, I do recommend it to have context and all but do whatever you want lmao I'm not your mother anyway have fun being completely wrecked like I was while writing this!! also thanks so so MUCH for 400 followers and almost 2k likes on the first part, you guys are the best and I hope you enjoy this fic as a thanks!!<333
ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ā ā ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ā ā ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ā˜†
Spencerā€™s never sprung from his bed faster in his life before.
His heart is a jackhammer in his chest, chipping away at his ribs one bone splitter at a time because-
Itā€™s you. In front of his door. And Spencer is so hard it hurts but- he canā€™t just-
ā€œSpencer?ā€
He sucks in a haggard breath, hands reaching up and messing up his hair even more. His thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at once and he just needs to- needs just a moment to-
ā€œUh, yeah, just a second!ā€, he calls back, voice scratchy and used from the- the moaning Jesus Christ because he was about to come with your mental image and he somehow, magically, managed to apparently conjure you up in front of his door with his pathetic pining and oh god-
He has to- ugh- has to wash his hands and make it go away and ā€“
ā€œOkay, Iā€™ll justā€¦chill with that weird plant here.ā€
An overwhelmed whimper slips past his lips and he just, stands there for at least another five seconds before something in his mind snaps back into place and he rushes to the small, adjacent bathroom of his room.
After he thoroughly washed his hands, his erection has flagged off enough so that itā€™s not the first thing greeting you when he opens the door and thank god for that.
And oh- seeing you after doing that actually knocks the wind out of his lungs because you are just so goddamn lovely it makes Spencer want to do stupid, stupid things like cry or kiss you or spontaneously combust into a million pieces.
For once, he does something okay-ishly sensible though.
ā€œHi.ā€
You look at him, one eyebrow raised in amusement or scepticism, he doesnā€™t know for sure. Your eyes hold mirthful sparkles in them when he finally manages to meet your gaze, so he settles for the former of the two options.
Youā€™re not wearing your work clothes anymore. Rather, you went for a cozy looking, oversized sweater and funkily patterned leggings. Your fashion sense outside of work always reminded Spencer of Penelopeā€™s.
ā€œHi to yourselfā€, you chuckle, ā€œCan I come in or are you too busy reading ten books at once?ā€
Spencer feels himself flush under your gentle teasing.
ā€œOnly seven books. But, yes, of course you can come in.ā€
He turns out of the way, creating room for you to pass him into his room. As soon as you are inside, you donā€™t hesitate to jump onto his bed and flop on your back with your arms spread wide.
Spencerā€™s breath hitches and he has to do some very extensive mental gymnastics to supress all the inappropriate thoughts from escaping the box he banished them into. Controlling his bodyā€™s response to seeing you in the same bed he was just jacking off in isā€¦ a different story. He pulls down the hem of his shirt as discreetly as possible, as he takes a seat next to you. Making sure that there is not too much distance between you two as to raise any suspicion and make it obvious heā€™s trying to get some distance between you, but also enough space so that he isnā€™t enticed to do anything unwise. Like, reach out and feel your warmth underneath his fingers. Or the softness of your skin. Or anything else really.
The more seconds tick by in which neither of you say anything, the more nervous Spencer becomes. He starts fiddling around with his fingers, aborting more than one move to steal a glance at your face to see what youā€™re thinking.
ā€œSpencerā€, you then finally say, voice kind of pout-y and if that didnā€™t make Spencer whip his head around to face you, the next thing you say for sure does. ā€œDo you hate me?ā€
ā€œWha-ā€œ, he sputters your name, ā€œNo- no! Of course, I donā€™t- whe- why would you think that?ā€
You let out an exasperated groan, moving around until you are lying on your side, head propped up on your arm and frowning up at him. ā€œBecause youā€™ve been acting hella weird these last few days and you wonā€™t tell me whyyyyā€, you drag out the last syllable, pout on your lips and Spencer has to look up at the ceiling or else heā€™s just going to confess everything without second thought and that will definitely not happen.
ā€œI havenā€™t been acting weird, really, I donā€™t know what youā€™re talking about.ā€
You remain silent again and Spencer feels the judging glare you send his way without having to look at you. Yes, he has been acting weird, he knows that, but you can never ever know the reason why tha-
ā€œIs it because you saw my nudes?ā€
Spencer almost breaks his neck with how fast he whips his head down to look at you again. A strangled noise escapes him without permission and what. What.
ā€œBecause, that would actually explain so much, especially the way youā€™ve been acting and really, thatā€™s probably on me because Iā€™ve always been telling myself to put them behind a password block but I somehow always manage to forget that because apparently I have only one braincell left thatā€™s stuck spinning on the deep-fried version of Funky Town and well, I guess Iā€™m glad it was you that found them and not someone else and-ā€œ
ā€œWhat? No, no, I didnā€™t- What- thatā€™s not- what-ā€œ, Spencer cuts off your rambling with a horrified, screeched version of a protest because how- how could you have guessed whatā€™s going on with just one try? Is Spencer so- so absolutely besotted with you that heā€™s so obvious? Spencer is so very confused and overwhelmed with whatever the hell is going on, he kind of misses the slight twitching of your mouth.
ā€œCome on, Spencer. I said itā€™s fine and basically my own fault. Uh- well, actuallyā€¦ sorry. Because, well, thatā€™s probably not very work-appropriateā€¦ I will pay for your therapy session, just send me the bill.ā€
Spencer thought heā€™d reached the limits of confusion seconds ago but apparently, he hadnā€™t. What. What are you even saying?
ā€œTherapy sessions?ā€
You just- ignore him.
ā€œOh, also, please donā€™t tell Hotch? Heā€™ll be pissed, despite me literally just doing hot-girl shit, yā€™know-ā€œ
Oh, Spencer cannot take it anymore.
He says your name and, ā€œStop, please, please, just-ā€œ
You snap your mouth shut, pulling your lips between your teeth and Spencer definitely doesnā€™t miss the way you have to force your mouth to stay still this time.
ā€œAre you- is this a joke?ā€, Spencer asks, frazzled and desperate and so confused he just wants to bury his head under the duvet and never come out again. Because if you donā€™t actually know but- are just joking around, oh Spencer is overwhelmed, alright.
Your expression changes into something panicked then. ā€œNo, no, Spencer, sorry. Iā€™m- sorry. Of course Iā€™m not joking, Iā€™m so sorry. Itā€™s just a little bit too easy to tease you. Sorry.ā€ You actually look apologetic now, lips downturned and frowning slightly.
ā€œNot joking- soā€¦ so, you know?ā€, thereā€™s something big and anxious pressing inside of Spencerā€™s chest. The urge to hide away and never face daylight again intensifies tenfold. Heā€™s flushing before he realizes, hands trembling and breathing a bit too fast to be considered normal. Oh god, you know, you actually know, youā€™re going to- youā€™re never going to speak with him again you are probably here to tell him how weird and- and-
You mustā€™ve noticed the frenzy he is thinking himself into, because you reach out with one hand and gently nudge his thigh with one knuckle. ā€œSpencerā€, you say, voice serious and steady and not the slightest bit disgusted or harsh and it snaps him out of his anxiety spiral.
ā€œI knew the second I walked back into that room after you basically fled the precinct. I am, really, genuinely, sorry for making you uncomfortable. Like, it wasnā€™t actually my intention for you to see them. And then, after I realized whatā€¦ I just wanted to wait and see what youā€™d do, if you came to talk to me or, wellā€¦ā€
You sigh, the hand that nudged him ruffling through your hair.
ā€œI didnā€™t handle this situation very well. Iā€™m really sorry. Soā€¦ ā€œ, you trail off, scrunching your nose in that adorable way of yours that makes Spencer want to kiss it until it scrunches even further because youā€™d laugh and try to fight him off.
ā€œWe can just- forget about this. Forget that it ever happened, or-ā€œ, you hesitate again.
Spencer feels suddenly breathless. Like he stands in front of a cliff face, seconds before taking the step to send himself careening towards something immeasurably great or devastatingly fatal.
ā€œOrā€¦?ā€, he breathes, voice small and unsure.
You meet his eyes again after what feels like hours. Thereā€™s something intense in them, burning, and itā€™s like an electric shock to Spencerā€™s system. Heā€™d give anything for you to keep looking at him like that forever.
ā€œOrā€, your hand returns to his thigh, but this time you let your fingers travel along the shape of it and Spencer whimpers. The burning in your eyes intensifies and Spencer feels hot, suddenly, so hot heā€™s burning with it. ā€œOr we can do something else.ā€
ā€œSomething else?ā€, Spencer basically croaks because his throat is so dry and itā€™s difficult for his body to function properly when you are touching him like that.
You hum in agreement. ā€œWhatever you want. You can tell m-ā€œ
ā€œYou.ā€
You look a bit startled when he cuts you off with that one, desperate syllable. Startled but also endlessly amused and Spencer just- his mind is apparently turned off, what the-
You laugh quietly, and your eyes soften, and it does something to Spencer that leaves an ach-y feeling in his chest. Oh, he loves you so much he canā€™t take it.
ā€œSure. You can have meā€, you say simply, as if itā€™s the easiest thing in the world for you to admit, ā€œTell me what exactly you want, because Iā€™d give you the world if you asked.ā€
And suddenly thereā€™s hot pressure behind Spencerā€™s eyes, at the back of his throat. Youā€™re just- just- amazing and so lovely and so kind to him, no one has ever said something like that to him, he doesnā€™t know how to handle it.
Spencer blinks up to the ceiling, desperately willing these stupid unwelcome tears away because crying about you treating him kindly is so on the bottom of the list of acting casual about this, so he rather feels than sees you sitting up next to him. Your hand slips from his legs and he feels the loss of your touch as if someone sucked the marrow from his bones. Before he can say something embarrassing like ā€˜please touch me againā€™ he feels your hand covering his. It fills him with a heady kind of courage.
ā€œI wantā€¦ā€, Spencer starts, feeling entirely too uncomfortable with having to state his deepest and darkest desires. Thereā€™s the old familiar urge to start picking at his nails nagging at him, but you just interlace your fingers with his and start tracing random patterns into the skin there with your thumb. Spencer melts against you and tenses up at the same time because itā€™s just so- so nice. It feels so nice and Spencer never thought heā€™d ever get to have things like that with you but youā€™re here. Youā€™re here, with him, and basically offering Spencer the entire world on a silver platter but itā€™s still so so unfathomably difficult just saying what he so badly wants.
ā€œYou wantā€¦?ā€, you hum slightly, voice soft and so tender as you continue painting patterns on his skin and Spencer would literally die for you. And thatā€™s the entire problem. Spencer doesnā€™t know if youā€™d do the same. Well. Maybe not die die for him but. He canā€™t just sleep with you, and it not meaning anything to you. It would kill him. It would kill him, if after you give him tenderness and pleasure and acceptance in a way heā€™s never dreamed of receiving, you would go back to normal. Always politely distanced, close, but never close enough and it already twists his chest just thinking of that possibility.
ā€œI just-ā€œ, he tries again, but when the words are stuck in his throat, sticky molten sugar that tastes like bile and fear, he pulls out of your grip and buries his face in his hands. Heā€™s so bad at this. Heā€™s the worst. No wonder heā€™s never had- had something like Morgan has, one night stand after one night stand (not that he particularly wants that, god no, but just-) because Spencer is just so bad at spilling all of the things that plague his gut and keep his thoughts in overdrive at night. No wonder heā€™s never even had a girlfriend or boyfriend before.
ā€œHey, hey, Spencerā€, he feels your hands cupping his own, still over his face. Not taking them away, but just ā€“ there. ā€œItā€™s alright, penguin, we can always come back to this another time. Iā€™ll wait.ā€
Spencerā€™s face crumples and his breath hitches a little because- penguin. Thatā€™s the frankly ridiculous nickname youā€™ve been using for him ever since he apparently once looked like one, with that white scarf and knee-length black coat he wore during one of your cases where a blizzard surprised not only the team, but also the unsub. Spencer, like most of you, wasnā€™t prepared and thus, had to make do with what the helpful officers provided them with. And well, Spencer drew the penguin stick it seemed.
Itā€™s ridiculous but sweet and it always makes him feel so loved, loved by you, because itā€™s adorable and theirs and he just loves it irrationally much, okay? And also, penguins are just really fascinating because-
ā€œDid you know that most penguins live monogamously? The Emperor penguin is actually one of the only ones that mate seasonally, they only have one mate per breeding season. But most others have a mate for life, like, like swans and bald eagles.ā€
Before Spencer even opened his mouth, he was aware of the fact he was going to ramble on about some unimportant stuff. Itā€™s always like this, it always feels like a breath heā€™s been holding in for too long, like an itch somewhere in his weird brain that only stops when he opens his mouth and infodumps and he cannot stop it. No matter how consciously he is telling himself to cut it out or screaming at himself to shut the fuck up you weirdo, itā€™s unavoidable. As soon as his brain latches onto a statistic or a fact it is reminded of, itā€™s an unstoppable force.
Like now. He is kicking himself. Why, oh why canā€™t he ever be normal? He feels himself flushing bright red from embarrassment and shame and frustration. He canā€™t believe he is rambling about birds while- while whatever the hell you two are doing right now. While in the middle of a conversation that started out with you confronting him about him seeing your nudes, jesus christ.
Spencer is about to suffocate himself with a pillow when you let out a graceless snort.
It confuses Spencer so much he lowers his hands to look at you and- oh.
Your eyes are shining with something that looks so close to what he would call affection, and it makes him want to bawl his eyes out and at the same time, smile so hard thereā€™ll be laugh lines on his cheeks for the rest of the week.
ā€œWell, that fits perfectly thenā€, you say, and Spencer doesnā€™t understand.
ā€œWhat do you mean?ā€
You smile just a little wider, a little more teasingly but in a nice way, in a kind way and it leaves Spencerā€™s chest blooming with warmth.
ā€œIf youā€™re my penguin, Iā€™ll be your penguin.ā€
Youryouryouryouryour-
Spencer feels entirely braindead. Only the fact that you called him yours registers. Because yes. Yes. Spencer is so yours heā€™d gladly let you make every decision for him from now on in his life and yes. Thatā€™s not exactly a very normal thing to think. Or to want. Spencer doesnā€™t care. Heā€™s never felt normal about you for a day in his life and he definitely wonā€™t start now.
ā€œYou- you mean- like, as, as mates?ā€
You scrunch your nose in disgust. ā€œIf you want to call us that, I think Iā€™ll take back my offer.ā€
It punches a giggle out of Spencer, sudden and kind of light-headed. He watches your face break into a wide grin.
ā€œBut you- youā€™d like that?ā€ Youā€™d like me?
You pull a face, sniffing in a nonchalant way, direct your face to your nails in fake disinterest.
ā€œSure. Whatever.ā€
And Spencer canā€™t help himself. He sobs out a laugh- laughs out a sob or, whatever that weird noise he makes is, because youā€™re so ridiculous and he loves you more than anything in the world.
You roll your eyes, fondly, shake your head slightly.
ā€œOf course, Spencer. Iā€™d like that very much because I like you a very unnormal amount. Literally. On my knees, crying, screaming etceteraā€, you say just like that, smiling just like that.
Spencer feels like heā€™s dreaming. He must be. Thereā€™s no other explanation for it. He just canā€™t wrap his head around the fact that you could like him. You. Youā€™re so, so lovely and amazing and you deserve everything good in this world and Spencer is just. Spencer.
ā€œYou- you like me? Me?ā€, Spencer canā€™t hide the incredulous tone that seeps into his questions because you like him?
Thereā€™s no traces of humour in your eyes anymore. Your eyes look painfully honest, face suddenly serious, and it steals Spencerā€™s breath away.
You lean closer to him again, grabbing his hands with yours. Your gaze bores itself into his, intense and steady and he canā€™t look away. ā€œSpencer. I know itā€™s- I know life has been hard on you for way too long. And that leaves its marks on you. Thatā€™s fine. Itā€™s human. But. You do not deserve any less love because of that, do you understand me? Of course I like you, what isnā€™t there to like? Youā€™re kind and funny and sweet and just so- Spencer. Youā€™re so lovable and it kills me to know that you donā€™t see how you are so worthy of being loved.ā€
Oh.
Oh.
You canā€™t just- canā€™t just say things like that and expect him to not cry a little. Canā€™t expect him to act completely nonchalant and cool about all of this when you say things like that to him. Are you trying to kill him? Because it sure does feel like that.
Spencer is so completely at a loss. He doesnā€™t know what to say to that- not to mention what to do. How do you always do this? How can you see straight to the hidden, bruised core of him, littered with all these ugly and bad things and. Just. Figure out what to say to strike him exactly there.
It should scare him, being known so deeply. It should, but it doesnā€™t because itā€™s you. You are warmth and acceptance like his favourite place in front of a fireplace, book in hand and rain gently knocking against windows. You are quiet mornings at work, you are soft rays of sunlight in his hair, you are gentle hands helping you up when you fall and bruise your knees. You are ā€“
A touch to his cheek startles him. He opens his eyes ā€“ when did he close them? ā€“ to your fingers brushing some stray tears away, so softly as if heā€™s something precious, something to be held delicately. That thought sends new tears spilling down his cheek. He canā€™t believe this is affecting him so much, so completely he simultaneously feels like he is going to shatter and be stitched back together again.
He never knew he needed this so much.
ā€œSorry for making you cry, penguin. I didnā€™t think this discussion about my lack of nude etiquette would get this emotionally damagingā€, you say, voice hushed in the big silence of the room, a small smile on your lips and eyes so kind.
Spencer snorts, despite himself. This has really been a very bizarre evening. He feels almost drunk on the weirdness of it all, on the rollercoaster that his emotions have ridden all evening. Thatā€™s probably why he does what he does next. Ā 
ā€œNeither did I, especially after you interrupted me while I wa-ā€œ
Spencer shuts his mouth so fast he clicks his teeth together, eyes wide and suddenly horrified. He- what-
Why?
Why canā€™t Spencer ever keep his big mouth shut? Is he completely and utterly insane?
Thereā€™re alarm bells going off somewhere in Spencerā€™s head and a concerning warmth settling deep in his stomach when your grin takes on a slightly devilish edge, one he knows all too well and. And. Oh. Heā€™s in trouble. So much trouble. Why did he have to say that?
ā€œAfter I interrupted you while?ā€, you prompt him, eyes electric and hot and oh god-
Spencer is so dumb. An idiot. Of the highest order. High IQ, where?
ā€œNothingā€, he says, voice high-pitched and rushed and he curses himself and his ability to act everything else but nonchalant. Heā€™d be the worst actor of all time.
ā€œSpencer.ā€
The tone of your voice rearranges something in his neurons. He can feel himself sit up just that little bit straighter, can feel his mind buzz at the edges. Heā€™s never felt like this before.
He loves it.
ā€œHmm?ā€, is all he gets out. Trouble, so much trouble.
Suddenly youā€™re standing up, away from him and Spencer wants to whine because you should stay there next to him, forever fixed to his side. He doesnā€™t have to despair long, because you take one of your knees and gently nudge his legs apart with it and okay. Okay. That definitely didnā€™t just send Spencerā€™s mind reeling. That wasnā€™t just totally the hottest thing that ever happened to him.
You slot yourself between his legs as if you own that space and. In his humble opinion, you do. You so do. Spencer is willing to give you a map of his entire body and a marker and tell you to please demarcate every part of him you want. Heā€™d give it to you, no questions asked.
He is looking up at you, at your burning eyes that still hold something so soft in them that makes the lump in his throat bigger again. And by god, Spencer just needs to hear you say it again-
ā€œYou like me?ā€
You move closer to him, lifting one hand and placing it underneath his chin. Your thumb traces along his jaw and Spencer feels like he is going to burst into a million embarrassed pieces.
ā€œYesā€, you say simply, but the way you say it. Spencer canā€™t help but shiver and exhale shakily. He feels so warm, everywhere. His skin burns where your fingers are touching him. He never wants this to stop.
ā€œYou- You want me?ā€
Your hand grips his face a little stronger, your other fingers splaying over and down his throat and thereā€™s a high noise coming from somewhere and thereā€™s goosebumps on his body everywhere and oh, wait- itā€™s him. The noise. Well, how embarrassing but. He doesnā€™t care. Nope. Not at all.
ā€¦Okay maybe a little. His face feels warm, suddenly, warmer than the rest of him and yes. Heā€™s blushing, okay?
ā€œSpencerā€, the way you say his name it- god, ā€œI want you. I said it before, but. I will give you anything. Tell me what you want, Spencer, and you will get it from me.ā€
Your eyes are so dark and your voice so low and Spencer actually whines and. Heā€™s hard again, so hard, because he didnā€™t come before and now, heā€™s even more pent-up and his thoughts are a mess, but you havenā€™t even touched him more than this and heā€™s already so worked up from you just saying these things to him-
ā€œI want youā€, Spencer pants, currently finding no other English words in the dictionary of his mind. And well. Emily was right about him. IQ slashed to zero when pretty person do thing.
He watches you take a deep breath, as if to steady yourself, as if this whole thing is affecting you as much as it affects him but thatā€™s- ridiculous. Impossible. Because. Have you seen yourself?
ā€œI know that, Spencer. But what do you want from me? Do you want me to kiss you?ā€, you ask, face suddenly so close to his Spencer feels your breath fan over his skin, and he whimpers because yes he wants that wants that- ā€œDo you want me to touch you more?ā€, your other hand grabs his side, gentle but just a little bit roughly and Spencer is suddenly vividly reminded of the fact how strong you are and he feels kind of lightheaded-
ā€œDo you want me to fuck you, Spencer?ā€
Spencer is going to pass out. And die. And moan and say, ā€œPlease yes yes yesā€. Maybe not in that particular order.
ā€œOkay, angel, anything you wantā€, you say, smiling softly at him as if heā€™s the best thing in the world and angel. Angel. Angel.
Before heā€™s even started to process you calling him angel, he sees a glint in your eyes, that edge in your smile again and before he knows whatā€™s happening, youā€™re kissing him.
Youā€™re kissing him and itā€™s- everything.
Your mouth is soft against his, and Spencerā€™s insides twist and flutter and his brain is kind of lagging behind, but he wants to be closerclosercloser-
Itā€™s so good Spencer completely blanks on everything. Thereā€™s nothing in his mind except the feel of your lips moving against his. Thereā€™s no insecurity, no embarrassment tainting this moment even though this is literally like, only the sixth kiss or so of Spencerā€™s life and he has no idea what he is doing. But itā€™s so good.
A noise somewhere between a moan and a whimper escapes him when you lick into his mouth and Spencerā€™s soul almost leaves his body. He feels you shudder where you are pressed together, chest to chest.
ā€œSpencer, Spencerā€, you breathe against his lips, in between wet, hot, kisses. You rub your nose against his, eyes closed.
ā€œHmm?ā€, he hums, his voice somewhere in Canada or wherever. His mouth is too busy smiling so wide it hurts, anyways. No time for articulating anything.
ā€œYouā€™re amazing, Spencer, amazing.ā€
And he wants to shake his head, no, because the only one amazing here is you. But itā€™s impossible to disagree with you when your mouth has returned to his in a way that is probably ruining him for anyone else. (Heā€™s okay with that.)
You peck him on the lips once, twice more, before you press your lips against his jaw, exactly where you had your fingers before. Your hands are basically the only thing holding Spencer up in a sitting position, because he feels like molten chocolate in your hands. Muscles apparently forgetting to do their job and well. Who can blame them? Spencer has stopped thinking in proper sentences the moment you had walked into his life, so. Only a matter of time until you broke the rest of him as well.
You kiss his neck and Spencer gasps. Itā€™s really been a hot minute - three years, one hundred, twenty-one days and twenty hours to be exact ā€“ the last time he made out with someone. Everything feels heightened on his heated skin, especially you opening your mouth against him and licking him oh god-
It almost feels like a reward when you gently bite at his skin next. Spencer almost screams.
ā€œSo good, so so good for meā€, he hears you whisper into the skin of his neck and this time, Spencer does make a noise. Because yes. He wants that. Be good for you. Thatā€™s the only thing in his fuzzy mind that feels clear, that feels graspable.
He can see your pupils dilate. Can see the wicked lilt to your lips. ā€œYou like being good for me, donā€™t you, angel?ā€
ANGEL. Spencer is nodding his head before he knows he does so. ā€œYes, yes.ā€
ā€œFuckā€, he hears you breathe against him and itā€™s strange, seeing the effect he has on you. Did really he do that? ā€œI canā€™t believe how incredible you are, sweetheart.ā€
And you need to stop. If you keep calling Spencer these things- heā€™s pretty sure he wonā€™t survive this. The team would need to find another genius to solve cases with. His cactus Greg would dry out and wilt and die. You and Penelope would need to find another victim to send confusing memes to.
ā€œDid you like my pictures, Spencer?ā€, you then ask and thatā€™s so not fair. You canā€™t just ask him that while heā€™s so utterly in your hands that heā€™s sure heā€™d tell you about every little fantasy heā€™s had about you ever if you asked.
Because Spencer wants to be good, feels that need so deeply in his bones, he nods frantically. ā€œYes, I- I liked them.ā€
At the same time the words leave his mouth, something feels wrong. Thereā€™s an ugly thing twisting in his stomach, so unpleasant it momentarily occludes the high-octane bliss-fuzz fogging up his mind.
You notice the shift in mood almost immediately. ā€œWhatā€™s wrong, angel?ā€
And well. Itā€™s just- that guilt. Of not saying anything to you about Spencer seeing your nudes, of just ogling you like that without your permission. That wasnā€™t very good of him. Actually, the opposite. Heā€™s been bad and he hates that. Hates that so severely that thereā€™s suddenly tears on his cheeks and oh no. Thatā€™s mortifying. Who cries before sex? Jesus Christ heā€™s such a virgin it is genuinely embarrassing.
ā€œIā€™m- Iā€™m sorryā€, he stutters, a little bit hysterical, creating distance between you, arms slung around himself, ā€œI shouldā€™ve, shouldā€™ve said something, Iā€™m so so sorry, Iā€™m the worst friend and now Iā€™m- Iā€™m crying, oh god, Iā€™m so sorry-ā€œ
ā€œHey, hey hey whoa. Spencer, darling. Penguin. Look at me, please?ā€
But he shakes his head. He doesnā€™t deserve to look at you again. What was he even thinking? He was- so creepy and now- now-
Two warm hands grab his face and then Spencer is looking into your eyes again. He squeezes his own shut, but all that it does is send more tears spilling over his cheeks and heā€™s so fucking stupid-
ā€œBaby, please.ā€
Spencer sobs.
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Thatā€™s the best thing he has ever heard but he doesnā€™t deserve these things.
ā€œOf course you deserve it, silly gooseā€, you say and oh. Heā€™s said that out loud.
Your thumbs brush over his cheeks and Spencer canā€™t not lean into your touch, despite everything. Because thatā€™s just the way it always is. Heā€™s drawn to your warmth and tenderness like a moon revolves around its planet.
ā€œI thought weā€™d established that it was an accident? And if it was someoneā€™s fault, then mine, because no password, remember?ā€
Spencer opens his eyes. The deep affection swimming in yours makes him sob again. Heā€™s a mess. A crying, horny mess and Spencer definitely fucked this up. Why does Spencer always ruin the few good things in his life?
ā€œSpencer, Spencer. Hey. Itā€™s okay, I promise you. We wouldnā€™t be doing this, if it wasnā€™t, okay?ā€, you kiss his nose. ā€œDo you want to lay down, maybe?ā€
He nods, not really thinking clearly. He moves up the bed, under the covers and curls up on his side. He waits for you to get up from the bed, for you to walk over to the door and leave. To say that this was a mistake, he was a mistake. To say that you take back everything you said to him in the last half hour.
Heā€™s not just a little surprised to feel your weight dip the mattress, to feel even more sudden warmth engulf him when you spoon him from behind. You start tracing swirly patterns over the skin of his arm and he feels goosebumps spread all over his body.
Some minutes tick by, you still holding him, when his tears have finally dried up. He doesnā€™t remember crying so much in one day. Spencer feels miserable.
ā€œDo you still like me?ā€, he asks, and yes, itā€™s pathetic and stupid but. He doesnā€™t care if you never have sex or if youā€™re not going to be more than his friend now. Because the thought of you not being in his life in any capacity anymore- just no.
He can feel you freeze and take in a sharp breath. ā€œWha- Spencer. Of course, I still like you. I donā€™t care what we do, I just want to be with you. In any way youā€™ll have me.ā€
You sound so understanding and sincere and actually confused about his fear as if youā€™d never even think of not liking him anymore and and and-
And something in him just- snaps. He wants you, needs you so much heā€™s going to die if he doesnā€™t-
He shuffles and turns in your arms until heā€™s face to face with you. You look at him, eyebrow raised in question but so beautiful and lovely and you still like him-
ā€œI want you so badā€, he says and then he presses his lips against yours again.
You respond immediately, low moan escaping you and Spencer is greedy, he wants to hear more, feel more, feel everything with you.
Heā€™s kissing you as if heā€™s going to die if he ever stopped, which, yes, he absolutely would, and you kiss him back as if you canā€™t live without him. It makes everything become hazy again, like before, and every bad feeling suddenly feels eons away. Like heā€™s underwater, floaty and relaxed. Safe, he feels safe in the way you kiss him and hold him. Like you always do.
You move your kisses to his neck, sucking and biting and Spencer is moaning and moaning and canā€™t stop and then suddenly, youā€™re gone, what ā€“
ā€œSpencer, Spencer, waitā€, you pant, out of breath and flushed and he wants to cry again, ā€œSorry, sorry I just-ā€œ
You frame his face in your hands, a little bit roughly. ā€œIā€™m so sorry for making this so hard, youā€™re being so good for me, but Spencer. Have you done this before?ā€
Somewhere in the fog that is his minds, Spencer finds his voice. Itā€™s high and airy but he doesnā€™t care. ā€œNo, no, I havenā€™t.ā€
He watches you take a deep breath, feels your fingers digging into his skin a little bit more.
ā€œTell me. Do you want this, Spencer?ā€, your voice is shaking as if you need to keep yourself in check and Spencer canā€™t believe heā€™s getting to see you like this.
ā€œYesā€, he says because he canā€™t ever want anything else, and, ā€œPlease make me feel good.ā€
You inhale sharply, your grip on his face bordering on painful. ā€œSpencer, youā€™re incredible, amazing, the best- Iā€™ll make you feel good, okay? Iā€™ll make you feel so good because you deserve it.ā€
ā€œYesā€, Spencer is not ashamed of how whiny he sounds. No. Heā€™s owning it now. This is his thing now, okay? Heā€™ll gladly be your pathetic wet cat, or whatever the term was that you sometimes use to describe him with. Whatever it even means.
ā€œGoodā€, you grin, and then you push on his shoulder hard and heā€™s on his back. And you. Sitting on top of him, thighs on either side of him. Straddling him exactly where he wants you most and he exhales a needy ā€˜ahā€™. His hypothesis of liking being manhandled isā€¦ yet to be disproven. Heā€™s discovering so many things about himself today.
Pleasure radiates in waves from where youā€™re passively giving pressure to his hard cock and yeah okay. This is good. Amazing. Heā€™s never felt better. But-
ā€œPlease.ā€
ā€œPlease what, angel?ā€
ā€œMore?ā€
ā€œMore what?ā€
Your fingers trailing along his throat and jaw, down his chest and teasing ghost-like over his nipples are not really helpful in finding the right words to what he wants. You take pity on him.
ā€œMore touch?ā€
Spencer nods his head, so fast he almost gets dizzy because heā€™s at that point again where everything feels liquid, hazy, a little bit unreal. So, speaking is already quite the task.
You smile at him as if he just solved the most difficult equation. ā€œDoing so good, Spencer. Incredible.ā€
He moans. Okay. Another hypothesis to add to his ever-growing list of scientific discoveries today.
ā€œWhere do you want touch, Spencer? Here?ā€, thereā€™s hands in his hair. He shakes his head.
ā€œHmmā€¦ Here?ā€, fingers drawing circles on his chest and yes, that feels nice, so nice but he wants-
ā€œHere?ā€, you ground your hips down and jesus-
ā€œYes!ā€, Spencer almost chokes on the sound. Pleasure shoots up his spine and he whimpers. ā€œPlease.ā€
You exhale shakily, looking flush. ā€œOkay. Because you ask so nicely.ā€ Thereā€™re two little taps on his lower stomach through his shirt. ā€œDo you want to take this off first? Or no?ā€
The way you give him the chance to say no- the way you respect his autonomy so deeply-
Itā€™s basic human decency, yes, but itā€™s also the hottest thing and Spencer feels so valued and understood and safe that heā€™s not even hesitating when he mutters a quiet yes.
You help him sit up because heā€™s currently not really heir over his body like he usually is. Help his head out of the shirt and thread his arms out. And then, heā€™s half naked in front of you and suddenly, the doubt and insecurity thatā€™ve been so quiet so far are back with a vengeance.
The urge to cover himself is so big itā€™s impossible to stop his arms from wrapping around himself.
Spencer knows heā€™s not ugly. Heā€™s not that bad looking actually. Canā€™t be too bad if Morgan keeps insisting on calling him pretty boy, even though Spencer sometimes still has the sneaking suspicion that heā€™s teasing him. But his friend wouldnā€™t be so cruel.
But other people like to be. Pipe-cleaner, leek, straw, big-eyes. Heā€™s heard it all before. He has matured enough and grown into himself so that these things donā€™t bother him like they used to. But still. Still. These things are arduous to scrub from under his skin.
Your gaze on him though- heā€™s never felt so, cleaned from all of these mean words before. You look- you look reverent while mapping his skin and maybe thatā€™s the reason why he lowers his arms again.
ā€œSpencer. Youā€™re a dreamā€, you say, almost in trance. Almost as if youā€™re hypnotized by him, and heā€™s flushing. But. Being watched so intently, being admired like that. He feels his dick give an indigent twitch against your clothed core. Another thing for the list.
ā€œSo impatientā€, you tut and Spencer flushes more. He thinks heā€™s waited long enough for this. But he doesnā€™t say that. If you stopped now- he would definitely combust spontaneously.
You lean down, over him. Hands trailing along his sides like you did earlier, but without any clothes between your skin and his. Itā€™s almost too much. And not enough. He feels electrified, where you touch him. His heart is hammering against his ribs so hard you must be able to feel it. His stomach is in knots, fluttery. Heā€™s never felt more alive.
You connect your lips to his throat, placing kiss after kiss along the arched length of it. Follow the same path with your tongue and Spencer whines, curves up against you a little. Everything feels so good Spencer is floating in it.
You shift your attention to his collarbones next, kissing but then gently biting and Spencer feels the indents of your teeth all the way through to his back and he hopes, wants, you to sink them into him so deep theyā€™ll leave marks. So that he carries the evidence of this with him for the rest of this case, so that thereā€™s absolutely no more doubt to who he belongs to. That thought alone makes him whimper, makes him feel that tiny little bit more lost in you.
You start kissing along his chest, down his stomach. Open mouthed, wet kisses and Spencer shivers when the places you put them feel cold after because of your spit. The lower you get, the noisier he becomes and at one point, Spencer wouldā€™ve been embarrassed. Well, he kind of is, but heā€™s also so turned on that the embarrassment doesnā€™t feel as stifling like usual. Rather, in a weird way, it makes everything hotter, and he does not own enough brain capacity right now to decipher that. But he does add it to the list.
When your face is dangerously close to the waistband of his pyjama, Spencer tenses, holds his breath. Being shirtless is one thing, butā€¦ well.
ā€œItā€™s okay, Spencer. We only do as much as you feel comfortable withā€, you murmur, giving a small peck to the left of his belly button. You calmingly follow his sides with your hands, smiling at him with so much affection in your eyes that Spencer feels speechless, breathless, until the tension releases his muscles again and he melts into the sheets.
ā€œā€™m justā€¦ā€, he tries, he really tries so hard to tell you that he wants this more than anything heā€™s ever wanted but that he just feelsā€¦ insecure.
You kiss his stomach again. ā€œHow about we only take off the pyjama? For now? If you want to take off your underwear too later, we can still do that.ā€
Thatā€¦ thatā€™s actually a good idea. So, he nods.
ā€œWords, angel.ā€
ā€œYes, yes. Thatā€™s- good.ā€
You look so proud of him. ā€œYouā€™re so good, Spencer. Perfect.ā€
He moans embarrassingly loud. He really should be more concerned about this. About how you are basically pulling him apart, thread by thread and he just lets you, willingly. How you know which threads to pull to reduce him to a sweaty mess in what felt like 0.2 seconds.
Thereā€™s a finger dipping beneath the waistband, moving back and forth along the newly exposed skin. Your eyes watch him intently, almost predator-like. A question is in there somewhere as well and Spencer nods again.
You help him lift his hips, help him pull down the pants. Spencer is kind of busy kicking his legs a little to shake them off completely but when he looks back and down himself to where you are hyper-focused on the outline of his cock through the thin fabric he blushes.
Even more when he notices the big, dark blue splotch in front of his underwear. Thatā€™s definitely never happened before. How embarrassing.
When you look up at him again, youā€™re also flushed. Eyes dark, wide, voice kind of unsteady. ā€œSpencer, Spencer, can I?ā€
ā€œPleaseā€, and then you palm him with your hand, and it feels so good it takes all of his concentration to not come on the spot. He doesnā€™t know if heā€™ll survive this until you arrive to the main thing.
Itā€™s not the first time someone has touched him like that, but it is the first time you are doing it, and it already feels better than anything heā€™s ever felt before. Youā€™re either a wizard or Spencer is just biased because he thinks everything you do is ten times better than the same thing done by someone else.
Probably the first reason.
He has his head angled back, one of his arms thrown over his eyes. If he looked at you now, heā€™s pretty sure, heā€™d come. Visual stimulation on top of physical would probably be the end of him. Itā€™s already too much, just feeling your hand move up and down his dick in various pressures. Almost as if you are testing what he likes best, and Spencer is definitely here for it. Definitely. Heā€™s happy to just let you experiment with him until you know all the different ways to drive him mad with pleasure with just a few moves.
Which, you apparently already figured out, judging by the way Spencer canā€™t form a single coherent thought anymore. Itā€™s already, so good, so freaking good holy shit, and youā€™re still not touching him. Still a layer of fabric between your hand and him and he kind of- just-
ā€œTake it off?ā€
You still your hand, looking up at him. You look kind of crazed, almost a little pained. It takes two deep breaths for you to process what he just asked, eyes a little unfocused before they fix Spencer to the bed with an intensity that makes him feel unfocused. ā€œYou sure, angel?ā€
Spencer literally canā€™t do anything but nod. You stay in your position for some moments longer, before you sigh out a long breath, mumbling something that suspiciously resembles youā€™re gonna be the death of me. Spencer misses your warmth on top of him the second you hoist yourself up. Itā€™s kind of crazy and destitute of him. You are literally right there but heā€™s waited for this for so long it feels like heā€™s suffocating without your weight pressing him down. Which is ironic and also, insane.
Your fingers are gentle, when they move under the stretchy fabric of his underwear. Even gentler when they pull down and down and down until Spencer is entirely naked in front of you.
Oh, he feels so exposed. While he has been the recipient of a mediocre hand job before, itā€™s been in his trousers. This is kind of the first time someone sees him naked like that, because school locker rooms and his mother donā€™t count.
He doesnā€™t dare look at you. If thereā€™s anything akin to disappointment, not to mention disgust on your face- Spencer probably would have to jump out the window, stat. His gaze is frozen on his cock, steadily leaking precum on his stomach (which, embarrassing). Heā€™s abashedly trying to insert himself into your point of view, tries to imagine what you think about seeing him like this. What you might think about his dick, if itā€™s too short or too thin or if it looks weird, if he shouldā€™ve shaved. If his legs look strange and too gangly now, or if his stomach connects to his pubic area wrong or-
ā€œHoly shitā€, you say, and Spencer is too curious for his own damn good sometimes, because he canā€™t force his gaze to stay away from you.
You look at him- like before. Reverent but more, so much more. He almost feels like a deity, the way you look at him. Someone to be awed by, someone that should be worshipped. Spencer feels his already in overdrive heartbeat quicken even more, blood flushing his cheeks so much it leaks down his throat, to his chest.
Spencer would literally kill to have you look at him like this for the rest of his life.
ā€œHoly shit, Spencerā€, you repeat, eyes now meeting his, ā€œYouā€™re like- a literal fucking dream. I cannot believe- youā€™re so beautiful, how are you so beautiful everywhere?ā€
Spencer whimpers and he needs you to touch him kiss him fuck him anything please now or he will absolutely die from heart palpitations.
Some of his despairing thoughts mustā€™ve come through to you, because the next thing you do is moan, which is the best thing heā€™s ever heard. Then, you take off your sweater. Second to go is your cropped tank top and you arenā€™t wearing a bra and good heavens.
Pictures could never compare. Not even Botticelli couldā€™ve adequately committed you to canvas.
Spencer mustā€™ve taken some brain damage from seeing you half naked. He doesnā€™t remember you taking off the remainder of your clothes, nor does he remember you straddling him again. But, fuck.
Spencer kind of doesnā€™t use the f-word that often but-
fuckfuckfuckufuckfkcufuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckcufkc-
Youā€™re warm against him, and wet, so freaking wet, and it feels so mind-blowingly good- itā€™s a miracle heā€™s still holding on. But-
ā€œWonā€™t last longā€, he gets out, breathy and whiny and just so goddamn fuzzy from pleasure. The world could literally perish right now, and he wouldnā€™t care. He canā€™t care, because this is the best thing that ever happened to him and he wonā€™t ever care about anything else ever again other than feeling you, you you you you, against him.
ā€œSpencer, Spencerā€, you breathe, gasp, and fuck, the way you keep using his name. ā€œAre you okay? Do you still want this?ā€
Itā€™s ridiculous you even ask. But the warmth in his chest, the feeling of comfort and safety and ease ā€“ because everything with you is so easy, so natural - he feels with the way you look after him-
He feels your thumbs caressing his wet cheeks. You put small, sweet kisses all over his face. Take the time to brush away some of his sweat-sticky hair from his forehead. Place kisses there too. You end with a drawn out, gentle kiss to his lips.
ā€œWhat do you say, sweetheart?ā€
Thereā€™s really only one way for him to answer that. He trusts you. Plain and simple. Thereā€™s no one else he could ever do this with.
ā€œYes, I want. Please.ā€
You kiss him again. ā€œSo good Spencer, youā€™re so fucking good to me. I canā€™t believe you are trusting me with this. You are incredible, angel.ā€
Spencer doesnā€™t know how itā€™s anatomically possible, but he blushes even harder. Also, feels his cock twitch against you because he apparently likes to be called good almost as much as he likes being good. For you. Only you. Jesus Christ.
ā€œDo you have a condom?ā€, you ask and ah. Well.
ā€œSuitcaseā€, and wow. First word with more than one syllable since you straddled him the first time. Heā€™s being so brave right now. He deserves a medal. Proof of Being Able to Speak Polysyllabic Words While Getting Fucked (Almost).
Thereā€™s humour glistening in your eyes, when you hide a fake gasp behind your hand and say, ā€œOh my god, Spencer you dog. Canā€™t believe you planned this entire thing.ā€
Spencer almost chokes on his own spit. ā€œN-no! I just- uh, like being prepared.ā€
You grind down a snort, drive your teeth into your lower lip. ā€œIn case you accidentally saw your coworkerā€™s nudes and them being down to fuck you about it?"
Oh my god, youā€™re the most ridiculous person heā€™s ever met. He canā€™t stop himself from grinning because seeing you trying to keep your laughter at bay-
ā€œYes. That.ā€
ā€œBut what if- what if it was Rossi instead of you seeing them? How wouldā€™ve your plan worked out then, huh?ā€, you wheeze, shaking from literal suppressed laughter and Spencer makes a sound like a dying horse.
ā€œRossi? Rossi?ā€
ā€œOh my god, imagine it wouldā€™ve been Hotch. He wouldā€™ve probably fired me so hard and then called me a week later to disappointed-dad-talk me to come back but to please, refrain from bringing personal files to work in the future.ā€
Spencer laughs. Heā€™s still rock-hard underneath you, but heā€™s laughing because thatā€™s what you always do. Being so absurd and silly that heā€™s shocked to laughter.
He adores you with every fibre of his being.
ā€œWhat the fuck?ā€, you ask, incredulous but laughing yourself, ā€œIs my misery amusing to you?ā€
And Spencer feels like being a little bit of a brat. ā€œVery.ā€
You flick his nose. Grumble something like Iā€™ll show you misery and then you move your hips against his and Spencer sees stars. Letā€™s out an embarrassingly high whine.
Ah well. It was still worth it.
ā€œDonā€™t moveā€, you order, when you climb down from him to retrieve a condom. Spencer watches you, lets himself look at you. All the times heā€™s wondered how it would be, how it would feel like, being in this kind of situation with you. Heā€™s never in a million years thought it would feel so familiar. Like youā€™ve done this before, so many times that itā€™s just become something normal between you two. Heā€™s actually relaxed. So turned on it feels like heā€™s going to burst any second, but heā€™s calm. He feels comfortable, so much so that it doesnā€™t even matter that itā€™s the first time heā€™s doing this and heā€™s so clueless about all of this.
But he knows, if itā€™s with you, he never ever has to worry about anything.
ā€œDo you have lube as well?ā€, you ask, rifling through his suitcase and distracting him from his sappy thoughts.
ā€œHmm. No, Iā€™m sorry.ā€
ā€œDonā€™t be, angelā€, you say while returning to Spencer, and the nickname kind of switches something off again in his brain. Perfect. Heā€™s never going to be able to be normal again about that word.
ā€œWeā€™ll have to get some, for next time. Always feels better with it.ā€
Spencer hasnā€™t really registered more than next time next time next time-
Heā€™s pulled out of his daze of knowing your intentions of this not only being a one-off thing, when you straddle him again, a bit lower on his legs. Spencer moans, loud and high, when you grab him by the base and god, fuck, his skin is tingling with anticipation.
With your other hand, you grab the condom and then use your teeth to open the packet, and his cock jumps in your hand. How are you so hot. How does everything you do turn him on so much, what.
He watches you take out the plastic ring as if heā€™s watching from above, out of his body. He watches as you position the condom over his tip and then pull it down, down and Spencerā€™s brain must be lagging because he feels everything with at least a two second delay and shit, god, son of a-
ā€œYou ready, baby?ā€
He makes a noise between a sob and a whine. Heā€™s losing his mind. ā€œPlease please please-ā€œ
ā€œFuck, Spencerā€, you whine, lift yourself up a bit with your legs and then you are sinking down on him, inch by agonizing inch.
Itā€™s so good, itā€™s so good, you are so warm, so hot, and Spencer canā€™t stop making noises until your hips are flush to his and heā€™s inside you.
You let out a loud, drawn-out moan above him. ā€œFuck, fuck, Spencer. You feel so fucking good, holy shit.ā€
He feels like heā€™s one move away from coming. God, oh god, it feels so incredible.
ā€œCan I move? Spencer, please?ā€, your voice is wrecked, youā€™re flushed down to your navel, and youā€™re the best thing heā€™s ever seen.
ā€œPlease please please pleaseā€, itā€™s the only word he remembers how to pronounce.
ā€œFuckā€, you almost sob, lifting yourself almost completely off him. You lower yourself back down again, one swift move, and you both moan.
You pick up the pace a little, fucking him with still languid but purposeful thrusts. Every time his cock sinks back into you, Spencer feels bits and pieces of his sanity crumbling away. He canā€™t think, canā€™t speak, his mind so fogged up and fuzzy heā€™s having troubles remembering who he is. Heā€™s so completely at your mercy heā€™d let you do anything to him.
That turns him on a worryingly huge amount. List, something about a list somewhere.
ā€œOh, god, look at you. Spencer, baby, angel. You feel so good inside of me, so good.ā€
He keens, grabs at your strong thighs bracketing his slim hips. Arches up into you, closerclosercloser-
ā€œYou like being good for me, right angel?ā€, you ask, hips slowing down to a gentle grinding that absolutely drives Spencer insane and heā€™s too far gone to even nod, ā€œIt suits you. Being so wrecked for me, moaning and shaking. God, fuck, youā€™re divine, Spencer, fuck.ā€
The pressure behind his cock, low in his stomach, thatā€™s been building all evening, all week, holy shit, itā€™s too much. Spencer feels delirious, feels your hotness around him, feels your hands pressing his chest down into the bed. Heā€™s going to die it feels so good.
ā€œYou going to come for me, Spencer? You gonna be good for me and come inside of me?ā€
Please please please please- itā€™s all he can think, all he can feel, because because-
You give a particularly hard thrust and-
Spencerā€™s coming, moaning and moaning, shaking everywhere. Heā€™s coming and it feels so good, so fucking good. Heā€™s never come so hard in his life before.
He might have blacked out a little. The next time heā€™s aware of something, itā€™s you cleaning him with a wet washcloth. Slow, and gentle and Jesus.
ā€œWhat?ā€, is the first thing he manages to say, and you snicker beside him. You caress his face, hand running through his hair, down his chest. Peck his lips. Youā€™re both still naked.
ā€œFeeling good?ā€, you ask and what kind of question even is that. You just fucked the soul from his body, and you ask him-
ā€œI almost diedā€, he says, tagging your name at the end with an incredulous tint to it.
You snort, setting the washcloth on the nightstand behind you. You lie down close to him, cuddling into his side. ā€œThat was the plan.ā€
ā€œKilling me with sex?ā€
ā€œYep. Thatā€™s for ogling my nudes without my permission, you creep.ā€
He says your name again, exasperated but so fucking fond itā€™s a miracle youā€™ve never noticed his pining before. You shrug, pull a ā€˜what can you do faceā€™. Spencer rolls his eyes and then, unceremoniously, flops on top of you.
ā€œUffffā€, you press out. ā€œYouā€™re smothering me, penguin.ā€
Spencer shrugs and copies the expression you just did. You bark out a laugh.
ā€œHa! Didnā€™t know post-sex Spencer is such a cheeky little shit. Iā€™ve created a monster.ā€
He canā€™t entirely control his face, some parts of a smile slipping into his features. He does manage to poke out his tongue at you though, before he buries his face in your neck.
Some minutes tick by, you both enjoying the otherā€™s presence and warmth and idleness, before something in his brain-
ā€œWait-ā€œ, Spencer splutters, pushing himself away from you so that he can look at you. ā€œDid you- did you even finish?ā€
Heā€™s kind of horrified. He was so focused on his pleasure- he- how did he forget? He doesnā€™t remember you coming and oh no, heā€™s such an asshole, who doesnā€™t make sure the other person has come as well and-
ā€œSpencer, Spencerā€, you shush him, fingers trailing along his back, and he shivers, eyes rolling back.
ā€œI made myself come right after, donā€™t worry. You were kind of busy in your post-orgasm, pussy-drunk coma.ā€
Spencer flushes. ā€œBut I wanted toā€¦ā€
You laugh softly. ā€œYou can do whatever to me, next time, sweets. This was about you. Weā€™ll go on a date as soon as weā€™re back home. Fucking Florida is driving me nuts.ā€
Oh, he suddenly feels shy. A date? You want to go on a date with him?
ā€œReally?ā€, he asks, and he hates how insecure he sounds.
You send him an unbelieving look. ā€œUh, what about the last hour makes you think otherwise? Seriously, Spencer, we need to work on your confidence.ā€
ā€œOkayā€, he mutters, a little bit pout-y and you scoff, pulling him down on top of your chest again.
There, with your hands painting patterns on his back and him completely lost in your warmth and familiarity, Spencer thinks that maybe, Florida isnā€™t that bad.
--
Bonus
ā€œSo, then. Made any scientific discoveries last night, pretty boy?ā€
Spencer chokes on his coffee.
ā€œWhat?ā€
ā€œNothingā€, his ā€˜friendā€™ says, smirking and leaning against his table, ā€œYou just seem to have figured out that little problem thatā€™s been keeping that pretty head of yours all messed up.ā€
Spencer feels himself flush. Stupid body and stupid involuntary, physiological reactions. Morgan picks up on it, of course.
ā€œOhhhhh, want to share with the class what those discoveries were?ā€
Briefly, so very briefly, Spencer thinks of his self-compiled list but- no no no no.
ā€œShut up, Morgan.ā€
ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ā ā ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ā ā ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ ā ‚ā „ā „ā ‚ā˜†
tags: @sebastiansstanswhore @xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx @wasitforrevenge @wannabewolf @tommorecommendedfics @winterhi09 @theoraekenslover @chaewondrful @okeyhoezayy @busy-buzzing @laurakirsten0502 @redros3y @trashxqueen @kitty-kei @so-long-daisymay @hayleythecannibal @jsnsnsnszjzj @reeidsluv @kayane28 @moonysreid @desperately-seeking-serotonin @munsonslunchbox @tul1p-mimi @anuttellaa @pinkgomie @elizabethmidnight2017 @evrmorets @cyanidebitsg @bangchansdog @pinterestwhore145 @some-one-yiu-dont-kno @emma-e-a
i hope these work lmao, also let me know if you wanna be on my eternal tag list for any future Spencer fic ;)
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