#only for them to deem that the task was literally impossible T.T (ofc we took certain steps to remediate)
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#😭 i've been absent from every venue in my life for some time because#work killed my capacity to interact with anything fun#i know i owe several people responses + i will try to get to them when i'm feeling better#due to [redacted] there are like 3 different initiatives i'm working on simultaneously at work and overlapping deadlines#it is too much to explain in one post but i've been like sleeping at 1am working unpaid overtime and waking up at like 6am to work.#haven't touched anything creative because i can feel my energy flagging and i just don't want another reason to#be faced with my own inadequacy... haven't talked to friends because i can't muster up the energy to properly commit to something that isn'#work... anyways i finally asked some of the really experienced members on my team for help and we worked together on#this one problem for like 5 hours straight#only for them to deem that the task was literally impossible T.T (ofc we took certain steps to remediate)#but one of my team members spoke highly of me for my efforts and like because of that acknowledgment#something inside me loosened for the first time in awhile.#i don't want to talk too much about the other sources of my stress because it's probably the least interesting subject ever#but it is scary for me to find that i can't derive joy from the things that used to fulfill me (art/friendships/etc)#because it feels like giving up in a way. like a fundamental part of myself as i've defined myself is totally inaccessible#but also in times like this it feels like i cannot stomach being the person i want to be#tonight i wandered onto twt for the first time in awhile and found this iv//nt//ll fan animatic based off of this vo//cal//oid song i#had on repeat like 10 years ago. which sounds silly (and it is)#but it made me excited in a way i haven't been for awhile. like holy crap this is cool this is a song i love (and maybe i do have the#capacity to love things still?) something about it just made me want to cry#how i missed this feeling... the simple childish feeling of i love this art and it's fucking awesome#i can't say that everything has been fixed because it is not but i really missed this
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