#But maybe I'm too scared to find out | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yeetus-feetus · 11 months ago

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Jason may be my favourite DC character, and the most like me out of all the Robins, and the character that comforts me the most when I'm at my lowest

But Tim is the one I project all my gender insecurities and desires and other bullshit on. He's also the one I write about most because he is hot af and I like putting him through the horrors and making him suffer lol.

Yeah I want Jason to hold me in his arms and kiss me gently and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I want to ruin Tim and fuck him all the way up and dress him in pretty things and keep him like a pet, y'know what I mean?

I love Jason.

I don't know how I feel about Tim.

#Maybe if I figure out the complicated emotions I feel when I'm writing about Tim #I'd figure out how I felt about myself #But maybe I'm too scared to find out #jason todd #tim drake #kinda rant #yeetus rambles

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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months ago

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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what

#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school #because i cant kick my parents out #and appartments cost money #and i dont have a car to sleep in #i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult #anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships #all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic #or to become a freelancer #i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently #but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago #incredibly good for my mental health as you can see #god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases #but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out #several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just #am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me #on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO #i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager #now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education #and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously #perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money #broadcasting my misery #vent

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deadrlngers · 2 months ago

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actually so happy i called off today's date when i clearly didn't wanna go and instead made plans with my friends, in my mean era*

#rena.txt #*voice of someone who's learning to say no for the first time ever #i swear i felt awful just a tiny bit for respecting my own desires!! sjdjsjdjdj #actually i've been going through a very balanced dose of doing it scared and finding out that some things are only scary in theory but give #lots of payback for the effort but also. i'm never going to turn deaf to my gut feeling again. honest to god i doubted it too much while it #never disappointed me or let me down. this website loves to say do it scared which is cool but also know when smth isn't right for you #which isn't easy fr..that tiny line blurring between ohh maybe this isn't for me and actually fuck it i'll do it

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deva-arts · 24 days ago

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You got isekai'd into SYSTEMA. What now.

Be amazed.

Remember I spawned into the "everything sucks" world.

Break down and cry.

Consider death as an escape.

Summon the global chaos by leaking insider secrets that could make about 200 new conspiracy theories.

Hope that Sera's conspirator ass tries to find me before one of the hits get me first.

Ending 1: I get sniped.

Ending 2: I get jumped.

Ending 3: I get kidnapped.

Ending 4:

Ending 200: It worked! Sera insults me. I cry from both the height she's holding me at and the insult respectively. She tells me to quit sobbing so I weep in incognito mode.

Make it into the Manumission. Wipe my face. Contemplate death again.

Get interrogated.

Get welcomed in! (I am still under close observation)

Quietly fangirl about my characters in 4k then feel incredibly weird about how much I know.

Get interrogated again.

I know that Nathaniel knows that I know but he doesn't know how much I know until I make it known that I know that he knows.

Consider death as- oh. He heard that too.

Literally everyone freaks me out for different reasons. I hang out with Sonia. She calls me fat. I still like you Sonia.

Live in the manumission under witness/informant protection and try not to die.

#devarambles #i can't do shit in this world let's be honest #i'd just be a regular person #who can magically draw everyone with perfect detail (to them)#I'd at least know what's going on with everything. That foresight would save them from like... 60% of what goes down #I'd never be able to get along with Vincent. I do not have the rubber skin nor the emotional security + he would scare me to high heaven #Fucker looks like a spooked horse and he's tall NUH UH i'm not havin it. I'd maybe help him behind the scenes though. Stroke his ego a lil.#I could not be around Nate I'm sorry I'd avoid him. The fear of being known is real.#People can deal with him because nobody knows that he's intimately familiar with the core of their personalities and thats why he won't say #but I just know that this asshole can hear me thinking about how orange juice should be in cereal. I KNOW what he would think. SO NO. NO.#Uh.. What else... Sera? I don't think I have what it takes to bore through that shell of hers. Her personality is incredibly strong.#And only people like Nathaniel Sonia and Eric can get through because they're both perservering and self-assured. I don't fw distant ppl #I wouldn't chase her and she wouldn't seek me. No friendship just acquaintances type beat #Amon is cool but I don't know how I'd feel around him knowing his story. It's like hanging out with Rodtang. But he's hot. ough #Eric is cool but I know that this guy is super smart and he's a bit too silly. I'd end up telling him one too many secrets without realizin #Strohl is a genius and he'd find me really dumb and unprofessional which honestly I get. He's also just not my type of company #Which brings me back to Sonia. We'd get along. I'd be able to brush off her comments and she'd vibe with me. She'd get me good clothes too.#So that's that that's everything yay gwenchana gwenchana #ark_systema

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fridayyy-13th · 3 months ago

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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.

#friday chats #friday vs post-secondary school #tw vent #(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now #i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds #bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head #and i'm very scared for when that happens #maybe also talk to my school's disability services #bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed #it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do #when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated #fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling #i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family #and i don't want to be stuck with them forever #i really really don't #maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do #i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent #i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time #classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick #and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate #i hope so #fucking damn it #how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me

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moe-broey · 6 months ago

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Doing one of the scariest things an artist can do (draw a tree)

#i'm having like. war flashbacks. to a piece i just irrecoverably fucked up at least a year ago.#that just absolutely obliterated my confidence as an artist. like i feel like i did not recover from that for a long time #to be fair there were more complicated things going on in that one that were above my skill level i think #and that was when i was trying exclusively water colors too (which is. a choice. for a fuck around/find out artist)#but esp reffing heikala's work again like..... ah... it is taking me back. and i am so scared.#i feel like that piece is maybe two years old actually.#either way it was an incredibly significant deceptively personal piece and this one. is also very much that in a way.#it is going to be extremely devastating if i fuck this up.#to my credit. i do feel like i've grown a lot as an artist since then. a lot of things feel more.. doable?#like instead of being above my skill level it feels more like a challenge.#like i'm also gonna have to do some funky lighting in this piece too... it'll be interesting to see how i can do that #w how i've gotten used to using v specific pencils in a v specific way. it does feel doable. just challenging #mostly i'm just scared of trees.

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foxgirlmoth · 29 days ago

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I feel like spiraling is always described as a quick thing but let me tell you. Girls will get afraid and slowly spiral for months I think.

#Like overall we're. Okay #Just wish I had disability getting approved soon or I find a new job or I can just somehow not be sitting in #Either the negatives or slightly above the negatives #Financially I am slowly dying and I'm not dead in the water because my beloved gf is amazing and thankfully can handle this #For at least a few months #But my long term thoughts are so uncertain #I just want to be around her and I just want us to live comfortably #I'm ever so slowly trying to crawl out of this over a year art block and that's a bit taxing mentally too #Idk I just want a bedframe that doesn't make me scared I'll fall every time I sleep or get on it #I wanna work off my fuckhuge loan debt #Its been so ungodly hard recently #I'm also thankful my dr rocks and meds have been helping with pain a good bit.#It just feels like I'm ever so slowly slipping into pretty much bed ridden territory again #Even with the meds. They help the pain a good bit (sometimes) but I still feel exhausted. And I'm getting insomniatic again #I just wanna sleep. I just wanna feel no stress for the first time. I've been stressed since fucking middle school #Or maybe even 6th grade because thats when the chronic pain started! Yayy!!!

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cerealbishh · 1 month ago

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"I don't want my father's divorces."

#cbs matlock #matlock reboot #matlock spoilers #julian markston #jason ritter #i think maybe julian was close to turning his dad in and that's why his dad doesn't trust him??? but maybe i just have a jason ritter bias #i love that in both episodes it sort of ends with him being there for her so i'm scared of when that won't happen #he obviously respects his dad and wants to be somewhat like him but not exactly like him #and obviously wants his dad's affection and attention #i can't help but feel for him but maybe that'll change?#like with olympia i love both their reactions and think they're adorable and hilarious #again can't wait to find out more about him #matlock 01x02 #it's honestly so fun to watch what julian is doing while everyone else around him is talking #he really does turn the charm on when he's around matty #which is funny because she turns the charm on when she's at work too #i honestly kinda wish we saw him in a scene with kathryn #okay idk how i didn't remember skye mentioned that julian did something that wouldn't make him a saint #maybe once he found out what his dad did he just chose not to do anything about it or tried to hide that information?

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neverendingford · 2 months ago

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#tag talk #social anxiety is so much worse to deal with when only half of you is anxious because you never know when it'll happen #like. R is not anxious at all. she loves being around people and since we came out she's not scared anymore #but me on the other hand? being around people is a nightmare. agoraphobic for sure.#I wanted to go running again cause we woke up at six again. but the thought of going outside and being perceived? terrifying.#maybe I need to practice getting R to front. we're used to thinking of L as the defensive front but if R's sociability is the best strategy #then she would be the strongest front to present.#the problem is I've tried that and it just results in me feeling even more sullen and anxious because I feel dragged into things then.#because going out on public even with friends still makes me feel anxious and angry and generally annoyed.#ugh I'm so tired of being unpredictably two different people.#if I were just L all the time I could embrace that and find workarounds to these issues. but they hit me so unpredictably #so I don't have the reliability to trust. so my strategy is usually just 'wait until you change into someone without those problems'#because whatever issue I have can usually be fixed by the other half of me.#scared of upsetting people? turn into L. scared of socializing? turn into R. scared of doing tasks? turn into L.#it's also wild because when we're L we shift into a morning person. and R is definitely a night owl #so waking up at five am to go out and read a book on the couch is so great as L but staying up all night reading is R's sweet spot.#idk. I'm so tired of bouncing so much between these two people #and I'm beginning to suspect that we have different food preferences as well. which is.. frustrating #I wish it were as easy as going 'oh duh I'm making this up in my own head' and just stopping #like. yeah it's all in my head unfortunately that's where my sense of identity is too.

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ncityzen · 4 months ago

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oh my god unbelievably shit day

#it's not over yet!!#truly things at work can all go randomly disastrously wrong on just some wednesday #and it's not even my fault!!!! well thank god it's not my fault #I'm scared of writing this i hope it goes uphill from here otherwise i might just go to bed now #erola.txt #actually it makes me pissed off because people are out here pretending somehow it is a little my fault like maybe if you did your job #in the first place i don't have to check that you've done your job pls you're literally at a higher position than me??#in a different department????#istg 😭#and then I'm too good i always cover up when they make (sometimes really big) mistakes because i don't want their boss finding out #because they're always fucking tyrannical and I'm not about to cause anyone getting fired #but like people are so ungrateful

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fluffle-writes · 6 months ago

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I'm really curious about what might happen after we're done with all the Overblots at NRC and Yuu finds a way home

Like, will that be it? Will there be some kinda spinoff story afterwards? I wouldn't be surprised if they kept doing events - but what will become of the main story?

#especially since chapter 7 seems to be amping up to approach the final showdown with Malleus #(+ an extra twist at the end linked to how Yuu will get home #and whatevers going on with so many OBs happening so close to each other.)#but I'm kinda wondering if Disney may try to push the main story along past that conclusion #the story doesn't have the replayability like ones that have different choices and routes (like MysMes and other VNs)#it's more like Obey Me - where we have a main chronological story and #extra spinoffs with events and vignettes we can focus on until there's another big main story update #Will something happen with RSA? Or maybe we'll meet the fourth-years? Will Yuu be stopped from going to their world to keep the story going #part of me is scared of the story running into the ground - but another part will miss the excitement of finding out what happens next #ah idk - I might just be thinking too much about it haha #maybe there's an obvious answer I'm missing haha

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anaalnathrakhs · 8 months ago

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...i'm starting to wonder if i wasn't actually pretty often failed by the adults in my life as a young kid tbh.

#i'm always doubtful where to put the blame #in a morally neutral causality kind of way to be clear #because like. i dont know. if i was the adult. confronted to the opaque behavior of a child. would i have done better?#but also i can't help but think #why the fuck did they make me skip a grade (last grade of primary on top of that) when i was notorious for never doing my homework #and was incredibly inconsistent across topics #like i sucked at math. like ''needs to count on fingers to do a simple addition or substraction'' sucking at math.#like i never learned any multiplication tables sucking at math #like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me #and just. the work was never done to make me Get It. my work or teachers' work who knows. but perhaps skipping a grade wasnt the solution #or like #apparently when i was three years old the pediatrician suspected smth was up with me #either autism directly or ''generally suspicious child'' we're not clear on that #but he told my parents. and everybody said ''we better test that'' and then. nothing. idk.#they filled a parental report of behaviors questionnaire for... adhd i think? autism maybe. and that's it. never fucking heard about it.#god. i just remembered my mom saying proudly they almost never put me in the nursery as a kid.#always either with a parent or family or a nanny.#and perhaps mother. you could have foreseen that a kid with no siblings no pets no kid neighbors no playdates. would end up socially fucked #i remember the teachers scolding late students and showing us that we were supposed to be in bed by 9:30 or something #and internally i was like BUDDY AT 9PM WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER #MOM'S BEEN HOME FOR LESS THAN AN HOUR #and shit. i don't know. i was scared of the dark as a child. to the point that even with the compromise #of keeping the door ajar and lights in the hallway (which i had to fucking advocate for btw)#i still slept curled up in the bathroom on a towel sometimes when it got too scary #and i would cry and scream before going to bed. i would beg my mom for sleeping pills from a young age.#i would often find myself in the morning sleeping with my face smushed between the pages of the book i literally fell asleep on #because i read until my eyes gave out #and a couple years later when i got a 3ds i'd play at night and if my dad caught me he'd storm into my room and i'd hide under the comforte #and he'd punch a couple times and whisper-yell at me not to do that and go to sleep #it took until i was about 15yo for me to see a sleep specialist

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izzy-b-hands · 1 year ago

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Random blackhands (with an steddyhands ending) came to me after my shower and I physically could not get myself to sleep until I wrote this so

Usually warning to give this one a skip if you're avoiding s2 spoilers rn bc it does pull from a big scene in s2 at one point. Otherwise please have at and hopefully enjoy!!! I'm going to try and actually sleep now lol

#text post #genuinely have no idea where this came from just sat down post shower and was like 'i have to write this or im gonna. fkn die or something'#and I think it turned out p well and is a fun lil thing (it's actually longer than my usual stuff lmao)#am I still too scared to ship tag for this? yup! But maybe folks will find it more via search on ao3 even if I'm not bold enough #to directly put it in the ship tags on here lol #I can hope at least #...I'm actually going to bed now I swear

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tvrningout-a · 1 year ago

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do you ever think about who would be shipped together when you start to write connected oc's bc i sure do

#makes a 180 from my previous post asdfg #i'm just thinking about mal and chiyo and rin and del and maybe even del and chiyo tbh #2/3 of those dynamics are ' i kinda annoy you but you like me anyway heh <3 ' which is just!! personally one of my favorite dynamics #del and chiyo are more ' we're each other's safe space ' to an extent -- until del finds out chiyo was lying to him :(#then it's a bit strained and actually!! i might write a hc about that #hmm chiyo and rin.... they're both too scared of emotional vulnerability tbh ASDFG it wouldn't work but it would be a cute #dynamic to portray and a very fun friendship tbh!! once chiyo warms up to rin i think they'd be so annoying together #in the best way :' )#as for bronwyn and helena i know they'd probably get shipped together and i'm realizing i use the ' i annoy you but you love me '#dynamic a lot actually asdf #anyway y'all should tell me about your oc's and any that you ship together <3 while i maaaaybe go write a hc <3 #get ready to ramble | ooc

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meezer · 2 years ago

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I wish my university was transparent about who exactly taught classes on the curriculum list for my bachelor's, so that I may pick electives taught by my favorite professor and thus engage in a strategy I'm calling "crushmaxxing"

#in all seriousness though it is kind of annoying that they don't list the professors for each course because. well. the professors that #teach the course are also the people who you need to take the exam with. and whether the university's administration would like to admit it #or not this is definitely a factor when choosing classes #I haven't gotten to pick any classes this year but maybe starting next year. so I'll do my best to find out what classes our S-tier profs #teach. how do I subtly ask my favorite professor what second and third year classes he teaches...?#if I'm too shy to ask irl I could probably shoot him an email. idk. scared for my life. I need to be as inconspicuous as possible

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an-orca-on-a-stroll · 9 days ago

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i was eating a pear earlier, after eating half of it i was peeling the other half, i looked away for like 1 second and when i got back to watch what i was doing there was a big ass spider on the knife??? blade stabbed deep into pear and everything. that beast was WET from pear juice. my man where did you come from. what are you doing on my pear

#tw spiders #under spoiler 4 ppl with arachnophobia. the rest of the tags too ig sorry #im not arachnophobic but i legit got scared bc i was so surprised #i yeeted the guy out the window...... i feel bad about it but like. he got in my pear that was rude #my house is fucking full of spiders man i should do something about it #its just. when i see one i cant be bothered to deal with it.... like i'll be in bed chilling and see a spider taking a stroll on the wall #and it's like sure i could deal with the spider. or i could just ignore it & not get up #they dont bother me the only thing i am mildly afraid of is maybe swallowing one when i'm sleeping??? lmfao #or finding one in my pears. new fear unlocked i guess #also. obviously i ate the rest of the pear

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