#But for a particular generation I feel like this one got more than its fair share

[pokemonfrommemory]

Not hatched yet

[riddlemearose]

hello i have come to ask more about wild with magic he cant controll

i love that hc so much and it fits him so well! like no one taught him bc hyrule was mostly empty, and he wouldnt even know he had it himself because why would he! its genius!

Sure, I’m happy to info-dump lmao.

I know other people have already come up with the "Wild has magic" headcanon about botw before, but for me it honestly started as a series of jokes with a friend. Basically it made sense to me since all the other Champions’ abilities are either outwardly shown to be magic like with Mipha and Urbosa, or at least implied to be, as in the case of Daruk’s magic being hereditary, and Revali’s being something no other Rito has managed to achieve.

So we were both like “oh yeah, he’s got to have magic” *cue shitposts and memes*

There’s minor evidence to support its existence in botw; Teba says to Wild “it was as if time stopped with every arrow you let fly”, and Daruk’s Training Journal mentions that Link once told him that it feels like time slows down when he focuses. Some people take this to mean Wild has really good reflexes and others went with magic. I’m in the ‘Wild has magic’ camp bc someone did the math and worked out he’s like… almost moving at super-sonic speeds when he closes the distance to start a flurry rush.

The reason I say he can’t really control it is bc the only time he’s ever shown being able to do so is to enter and exit bullet time. That’s literally it. If you dodge at the right moment, even if you don’t want to flurry rush, it’ll still trigger and give you the opening to perform one (which ends after like 1-2 seconds of inaction). Wild also doesn’t have a magic meter like some other Links do; he uses his stamina. He’s literally brute-forcing his way through his magic (which, side note, Urbosa must’ve hated watching). And, to build off that last sentence, this means that Wild probably doesn’t have a lot of magic, but he does recover it incredibly fast – especially compared to the others who have to use potions. More on this last part in a moment.

It’s true that no one was there to teach him per se, but I think it’s a tad more complicated than that bc botw has an odd thing where it shows a lot of magic users (at least as far as I understand when compared to other games) but doesn't go into detail, which is fair given the Calamity. This means we don't really have a concept of how prevalent magic usage is in the grand scheme of things.

Looking at the series in a whole, for hylians/humans magic is largely limited to the Royal Family (specifically the women of the Royal Family), and they seem to mostly wield light and divine magic, very different from time magic. (The Ocarina of Time is there, but that’s an heirloom and not severely limited with its function based on whether its user has royal blood or not.)

And given how the Sheikah have been treated in botw's Hyrule's history, as they are the only other hylians aside from Flora and Wild who are shown using magic, I'm guessing it's not a skill you want to encourage, and innate magic users, even if they weren't Sheikah, were probably affected by the roll-on effect of the genocide for a very long time. This would create a long, deep-set history of missing knowledge that eventually affects the present.

If you ignore the potential loss of magic teaching, honestly I would assume it’s still hard to teach someone magic when you don’t share that particular type bc it probably requires knowledge that you don't have in regards to how it flows and can be controlled in order to be used. I do very genuinely believe Wild knew that he had magic before he died tho, bc I think Urbosa would’ve told him. It was the only time she ever heard him speak and the convo went something like Urbosa: you have magic. You just did magic. Link: nuh-uh Urbosa: FYM NUH-UH

This lack of training and general knowledge of how magic works is what I partially attribute to his weapons breaking as fast as they do. Attunement doesn’t actually exist obviously, but in fantasy worlds where it’s a part of the magic system, it’s a conscious step. It’s only seems to become an involuntary one when the person attuning the item has a lot of experience with the field that item is used in.

What I mean by that is Wild’s obviously never learnt actual theory (and it might be too late to fix the groundwork he's already laid), so he’s only ever been able to make his magic work in conjunction with the one thing he’s already being trained to do: weapon-fighting.

This is why he has flurry rushes, bullet time, and his fast recharge time. His magic manifests alongside his physical capabilities (so it will recover just as fast as his stamina does) and is attuned to flow through physical objects that simply aren't designed to withstand prolonged exposure to it (so his weapons, bows and shields will degrade and break faster).

I do believe his magic is something he has the ability to train (take the change to how bullet time uses stamina between botw and totk for example), and I personally like to write him getting a one-hit-swing second of slowed down time whenever he parries, but I think these ‘upgrades’ would honestly just come from fighting more and pushing himself in those situations, not from learning basic magic principles lmao.

And honestly, Wild’s magic is just really funny to me bc it has shenanigan potential that’s really only limited by your own creativity and his stamina wheel.

I say that because part of this magic headcanon actually grew from a post-totk headcanon where I whole-heartedly believe that Wild and Flora end up sharing the Sage of Time title, since there’s one extra Secret Stone floating around and they both specialise in different types of time magic. The joke w/ my friend has now become “well, if Wild can’t even willingly activate his magic unless highly specific circumstances are met, wtf is going to happen when it's amplified?"

Answer: he has literally no idea what he’s doing. He has accidentally slowed time on several pots/ladles/plates/etc that got knocked over, mistakenly frozen a yiga sword which yanked it straight out of the yiga’s hand – he meant to freeze the yiga whoops – and intentionally managed to slow time on one (1) bokoblin (and has not managed to replicate that result since). … he’s getting there. Maybe.

(Additional follow up lore can be found in this reblog. Also adding this to prevent future confusion at my accidental vagueness on this: yes Wild knows he has magic.)

[viperwhispered]

Okay here's the official prompt for the "Anything Goes" event: Jamil trying to keep his relationship private while Najma goes full Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out which poor soul is dating her brother (its the reader).

Feel free to tackle this after you've cleaned up the rest of my nonsense.

Ty for the prompt lex! Still can't believe you got to it so quick.

The 'Anything Goes' Story, part 1

The story where I write whatever you tell me to. You can find more info and the masterlist here.

Najma was certain there was a special someone in Jamil's life. Of course, he would not admit such a thing, but it was obvious from the way he'd smile while looking at his phone sometimes.

No way would her brother smile like that just for memes.

Jamil may have played at being a brick wall, but he wasn’t as hard to read as he tried to be. And Najma was sure she’d be able to poke and prod until she’d get her answer.

First step: Jamil’s social media accounts. Sure, Jamil wasn’t one to post a lot, and Najma suspected that a fair bit of his posts were private, or at least locked away from Najma’s prying eyes. But she could still see some of the friends Jamil had added, the posts they had tagged Jamil in.

Najma turned to Jamil, sitting next to her on the couch, and showed him a picture she’d found in her search.

“So, who’s this?” she asked, brimming with false innocence.

Edit: next part is here.

And now it’s the turn for you all to give me the next prompt to see how we continue this story. Character(s), scenario, tone / genre, or whatever y'all think would be fun to see and throw my way, sensible or not.

Whoever is the first to reblog / reply with their idea will get their prompt done for the next part. However, you can't have your prompt picked twice in a row (so the next prompt should be from someone else than lex).

Tag list:

@colliope @crystallizsch @diodellet @jamilsimpno69 @jamilvapologist

@lex752 @perilous-pasta @twstgo

If y’all would rather not get tagged for future installments for this particular thing, let me know.

And, likewise, if you’re someone who would like to be tagged for this thing (or my writing in general), just gimme a shout.

[isuckatgaymes]

rating every fandom i've been in from the last 5 or so years in no particular order. because i can do that

cult of the lamb: LIKE THE BEST FANDOM IVE BEEN IN??? omg like everyone is just chill and cool and epic. i am yet to see ANY proshipping or weird incest shit and that's a very good thing. and no ship wars! no one cares! everyone ships narilamb and if you don't that's fine no one cares!!! also am i a furry bc they draw the goat so HOT like HOLY MOLY GUYS

night in the woods: i feel like calling it a fandom is generous because i have to hunt the internet like a hungry predator to find the goodies i want but they are so nice and mentally ill 🙏 points off for the weird ppl who hear mae is a girl and draw her really sexualized but they cant all be winners

ace attorney: the fandom live been in the longest. holy molyyyyyy theres way more good than bad but the bad is pretty bad. i think the fandom is the perfect size and i never feel like im losing my mind bc theres no fic for the specific thing i want. but if there isnt then i can just make it bc these characters have been my life for 3 years! but the aa fandom has like one of the biggest proship debates i've seen. there aren't rly ship wars besides the occasional feenris shipper hating on narumitsu but OMG the narumayo trupollo and cykesquill shippers are just WILD. but as someone deep in the trenches of the fandom it honestly isn't too bad. also REALLY good fanfiction holy shit

tmnt: ok guys wtf is up with the incest. the rest of the fandom is just fine and dandy but the INCEST. jesus CHRIST guys just make ocs stop shipping the brothers together. AND STOP MAKING PORN OF TEENAGERS.

hazbin hotel: ok what the hell happened here. the fandom can be fine one second but then a radioapple fan will hate on radiostatic and then it's a whole thing. and there's that one fan. the ANGEL NOOOOOO one. also the entire internet hates the fandom but honestly whenever i check it out its just fine. but also the fandom is crazy like. delulu? viv will tweet out "i had salad for lunch" and the fandom will be theorizing that charlie will die in season 2. i have no clue what's happening man

cookie run kingdom: JESUS CHRIST YALL. ok to be fair i was in this fandom in like. 2021? early 2022? so maybe it's changed but HOLY SHIT IT IS SO TOXIC. i was deep in the fandom and i got death threats for shipping sparkherb??? like what??? and they were always so mean to beginner artists it made me so sad :( AND THE RACISM???? how are yall racist to COOKIES they are COOKIES. and the like gender debates. poor strawberry crepe cookie... istg every time there was a post abt them i would see ppl arguing that they were every gender under the sun. like. guys. what are we doing here. these are cookies.

total drama: a very. interesting fandom. the people in it are very clearly... younger? i think that's the right word. it's not outstandingly good or insanely terrible, it's just. fine???? honestly i can't really dunk on it or sing its praises. besides island of the slaughtered that was epic

gravity falls: ok i don't want to judge the fandom for what it was like in the 2010s. BUT. holy moly there's a lot of bipper shipping. i know why it was like that but jeez there is just. a lot. the fandom is much better now and very fun! but id say the fandom from the end of the show to 2020 was very... it was a fandom!! i'll give it that!

ghost trick: this fandom is hanging on with duct tape hot glue and prayers. there are like. 7 people TOPS in the fandom and i honor them o7 they are so brave and i admire how they've managed to stay sane

steven universe: another pretty mixed bag. honestly the worst part of this fandom is its haters bc like. woah the children's show about peace and love ended with peace and love instead of violently beating up white diamond. this is crazy guys. but lowkey from what i've seen it isn't too bad. it's the lesbian rock show what more does one need

sonic: inside of you there are two wolves. one of them is a sonadow shipper. the other is a sonamy shipper. and every day they are beating each other up to assert dominance while the secret third wolf in the corner is drawing little ocs to post on deviant art

a hat in time: WHY ARE YALL SO DEPRESSED???? like this is the funny little platformer game that barley has any story and everything is so SAD. ITS THE SELF PROCLAIMED CUTE AS HECK PLATFORMER. i once read a series of fics where the conductor is suicidal and tries to kill himself. and i've seen some of the most soul crushing fanart of the snatcher. DO YOU NEED A HUG????

mlp: honestly this fandom got a crazy glow up. i'm pretty sure it's bc the audience the show was MADE FOR when it was produced has grown up and still loves the show and not because they think the ponies are hot. bronies made it very hard to be into the show when you were a young girl who liked ponies and friendship. i would know bc i saw cupcakes when i was 8 and cried for 2 hours. but the show is goated and the fandom now is honestly pretty good

[jiggy-manda]

Six (Jemily)

Alternate ending to the Season 8 Episode 15, Broken.

wc: 3.1k

After the BAU busts the conversion camp, JJ realizes it affected her more than she originally thought.

TW for: mention of homophobia & conversion therapy, drugs/drugging, rape, violence, just a lot of the stuff that happened in 8x15 will be mentioned here, so just a big tw in general. it's not heavily detailed, and none of them are described- its mainly just mentions of certain things and recapping what happened

“Are you ignoring me?”

JJ looked up from the file in her lap and made eye contact with Spencer, his expression full of uncertainty.

“What? No.”

Her eyes flitted back down to the file, her gaze tracing the outline of the writing. She wasn’t mad at Spencer. She wasn’t mad at anyone, really. Well– that’s a lie. She was mad at herself. The case today had only dredged up old feelings she’d sworn she’d buried away years ago.

The camp made her sick. The mere image of those teenagers hooked up to the IV drips was enough to unsettle her stomach, and it didn’t help the year old feelings she’d been trying so hard to ignore.

Everything was complicated. Everything was difficult. She’d been married for years. How could she just give that up? She loved Will. Even if it wasn’t romantically, she still cared for him and loved him as a friend. She didn’t know how she could break his heart. Or her son’s.

Oh, Henry.

It was too much. She loved her son; she couldn’t turn his world upside down. It wasn’t fair.

“I’m not mad at you, Spencer.” JJ sat back in her seat on the jet, knowing her friend wouldn’t leave until she told him what was on her mind. The agent sighed, closing her eyes as she chose her next words very carefully. “I’m…” She looked around, searching for the right word to describe what exactly she was feeling. Upset? Angry? Confused? No word seemed to fit her emotions quite right; everything felt too small. No singular word could sum up her feelings, much less the ones she’d been hiding for six years.

“I’m just tired, Spence. Exhausted, really. This case…” The profiler trailed off, once again being particular in her word choices. “It just got to me. I mean, they… they were kids, Spence.” Her voice wavered, and she felt six years worth of tears threatening to spill. “And their parents… they endorsed it.” She felt sick. Everything was becoming too much. “Their own kids… were in love,” she choked on the word, feeling her face start to dampen. “And they punished them for it. For being in love. For having feelings they couldn’t control, for being brave enough to share their truth, to–”

She stopped herself.

She’d never been brave enough.

“They were brave… and their parents took it and threw it right back in their faces.”

The words felt bitter on her tongue. She didn’t know those kids. She had no reason to feel such a connection to them.

But she knew better.

She knew why it affected her so much.

JJ closed her eyes and felt her head drop as more tears fell, her body overcome with the stress and frustrations of hiding– hiding for much, much longer than six years. “They were brave,” she whispered.

Spencer watched as his friend cried, not completely understanding why she was taking this case so personally. She seemed so… fragile. Broken.

He knew there was something more. JJ was a trained profiler; there was no way she would react to a case like this unless there was something else seriously eating at her. Something deeper. Jennifer Jareau was the strong one, the one who took no bullshit and knew how to get what she wanted. She might not be as good at compartmentalizing as Emily, but she was a hell of a lot better than most agents. Stronger.

Spencer wasn’t used to seeing JJ like this. It scared him.

“JJ…”

“Please don’t, Spencer.” JJ kept her eyes shut, her lips twisting into a painful smile. “I know you want to help, and I- I appreciate it, I really do.” Another sigh. “I just… need to be alone right now.”

JJ’s voice continued to go in and out as she spoke, and Spencer couldn’t bear to watch it anymore. Deciding to give his friend some space, he got up and moved to sit with Alex, who immediately took interest in the state of the younger team member.

————

“Are you sure she would want this, Spencer? I mean, I know you want to help, but this seems a bit extreme.”

Spencer looked over at Alex as he brought his phone out of his pocket, his fingers gliding across the screen.

“It’s already done, Alex. Sorry.” He gave a mischievous smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, nerves still having a hold on him.

“How far away are we from Quantico?” The older woman asked.

“About three hours,” came the reply.

“And how far is she?”

Spencer’s eyes glinted as he smiled. “Two.”

Alex narrowed her eyes at the doctor, silently urging him to go on. “Come on, did you really not notice how checked out JJ was this whole time? Frankly, I’m surprised no one called Emily before I did.”

Alex nodded, following his story. “Uh-huh, and when did you call her?”

Spencer’s grin faltered, a guilty expression escaping him. “Last night.”

Alex sighed as she looked at him. “Spencer…”

“I know, I know. Emily has a life in London and we should respect that– I get it. But JJ… she was worrying me, Alex. And Emily… I don’t know. She always just seems to know how to make things better.”

“As long as you’re sure it’ll help,” Alex surrendered.

“I am.”

————

JJ’s head throbbed as she walked back into Quantico, trailing a bit behind the other team members. She needed a nap.

A collective sigh of relief came when the team was dismissed, everyone eager to get back to the beds in the comfort of their own homes.

“Uh, JJ?”

JJ turned her head to Spencer, making eye contact with the taller man. “Hm?”

“Hotch asked me to tell you he wants to see you in his office.”

JJ’s eyes narrowed as she considered the multitude of possible meanings behind that sentence. “Why?”

“Um, don’t take it personally,” Spencer started, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket. “But we all kinda noticed how… zoned out you were. I think he's just worried.”

JJ stood silent, staring at him. She needed to play her cards carefully, not give anything away. “Okay,” she said with a nod. “Thanks.” She added a smile, hoping it came across as genuine.

Spencer nodded, smiling before turning around to leave.

————

JJ let out a long sigh as she walked up the steps to Hotch’s office, already curating a story to explain her odd behavior. She knew they’d noticed her off demeanor, but she didn’t know to what extent, which was what scared her. She could lie, easily, but not if they know more than she does.

Taking one last deep breath, JJ reached her arm out and pushed the door open, stepping into her unit chief’s office.

“JJ.”

————

JJ’s heart dropped and her mouth went dry. It was as if her mind went completely blank and she’d forgotten everything she’d ever learned.

“Emily?”

JJ looked at the woman in front of her, still taller than her, and still just as beautiful as the last time she’d seen her.

Emily gave her a soft smile. “Hey.”

JJ just stared at her as she stood, not quite processing the fact that Emily was actually there. In person. They stood in silence for a few moments, Emily observing her younger friend as she collected her thoughts.

“You’re here,” JJ said, more relieved than she meant to sound.

“Of course I’m here, JJ.” Emily looked over to her side for one second as she walked over to Hotch’s desk, perching herself on the top of it. “Spencer told me about the case.” JJ looked up to meet her eyes. “And you.”

JJ’s breath hitched in the back of her throat. Suddenly, reality came crashing down on JJ like a large bucket of ice water. Emily was really here, right in front of her. In Quantico. Not London.

She took a gasp for air as her eyes once again teared up at the sight of her old team member, the woman she’d secretly loved for the past six years.

“Emily.”

JJ’s voice cracked as she launched herself at the older woman, wrapping her arms around her neck and burying her face in her shoulder. Her body shook as sobs wracked through her, heavy and filled with anguish. She cried as Emily comforted her, slowly rubbing her back to soothe the younger woman.

When JJ pulled away, her eyes were red and puffy, her face stained with tears and smeared mascara. “It–” she hiccuped. “Was horrible.” Her voice shook as she opened up, taking various pauses here and there to control her breathing.

“They were… drugging them and raping them and–” her voice caught in her throat, unable to speak clearly about the horrors she witnessed at the camp.

“Okay, JJ, I need you to breathe,” Emily said, her gaze fixated on the younger woman. “Alright?” She took a deep breath in, demonstrating for her. “Yeah?” JJ nodded. The younger woman followed her movements, taking in a few deep breaths before continuing.

“They had them hooked up to these IVs in this giant room, and they… they had these huge screens and for hours they just had them there, watching…” She couldn’t bring herself to voice the acts she’d witnessed. She shook her head as she recalled the encounter, suddenly feeling extremely nauseous. Her vision clouded as the images bombarded her, overwhelming her senses.

Emily hopped off the desk to stand in front of the younger woman, noticing the sudden change in her demeanor. “Hey, JJ, are you okay?” She brought her hands to JJ’s shoulders, steadying her as she swayed. “JJ, you need to sit down–”

“No.”

Emily was taken aback at JJ’s harsh tone. She rarely heard this tone from JJ; it was almost always reserved for the unsubs who pushed too many of her buttons. JJ had never used this tone with her before, and now Emily was confused.

“I need…” JJ took a deep breath, stepping back to look at the woman in front of her. “I need to tell you something.”

Emily nodded, trying to follow her friend’s words.“Anything, JJ.” She looked at her with so much sincerity that JJ could almost cry. She didn’t deserve her.

JJ took a deep breath as she thought about how to phrase it. She needed to confess; she knew she couldn’t hold it in any longer. Six years was hard enough, but now with this case? JJ knew it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down. She always knew.

“I never wanted Will,” she blurted out.

Emily immediately cocked her head to the side, confused and concerned as to what brought out that confession. Of all things she expected JJ to say, this definitely wasn’t one of them.

“What?”

“I never wanted him,” JJ said, staying solid in her words. “At first, I blew him off every chance I got. I only agreed to go on dates with him because I was bored, Emily. And I was tired. Everything was so complicated, and Will…” JJ hesitated, not wanting to sound rude. “…wasn’t.” She shrugged. “He was easy; everything was easy. We never fought, and at first I thought that was a good thing, but then I realized it was just because I didn’t care enough to fight with him.”

“JJ, I don’t underst–”

“I never wanted him, Emily.” JJ interrupted her, her voice once again low and sharp. “I went on a few dates with him, sure, but that was only to please him. I was bored, and I thought he’d eventually leave me alone. I didn’t want him. I never wanted him, Emily.”

JJ looked up at her, meeting her gaze before quickly looking away. She took a shaky breath before speaking, her voice cracking with the weight of her words.

“I wanted you.”

Emily felt like she’d just gotten the wind knocked out of her. “What?” She whispered.

“Emily, I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you.” JJ’s voice cracked again, and Emily’s heart broke at the desperation in her voice. “I tried to make it known, to show you. But I… I wasn’t brave enough to tell you, so I just settled on giving you subtle signs.” She sniffled a bit before continuing. “But then you encouraged me to go for Will, and…”

JJ’s expression changed. She was hurt before, but this… this was different. She looked devastated. “And I was so confused. Because I… I’d gotten it into my head that maybe you liked me too. I misread the signals you sent me, foolishly hoping you felt the same, but then you... You told me to go after him.” JJ stared at Emily, her eyes full of hurt and anguish.

“Why did you tell me to go after him? I didn’t want him. I never wanted him. He was my friend, I liked him, but I didn’t love him, not like that, I–” she took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself down. “I’m sorry.” Another breath. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. I chose to go after him; you saw us getting along and you encouraged me as a friend, I know, but…” She closed her eyes before she spoke again, feeling like she was back in the same spot she was where they had the conversation. “But it fucking hurt.” JJ’s voice was low, laced with emotion. “It hurt way more than any other breakup did, and that… broke me,” JJ whispered. “Because I loved you. And I still love you.”

Emily held her gaze, trying to wordlessly communicate her feelings. She knew she couldn’t interrupt the woman, not when she’s so emotionally charged, but she wished there was something she could do to soothe the woman’s feelings.

“But I wasn’t brave enough to tell you. God, can you believe that?” She looked up at the ceiling, chuckling bitterly. “Those kids were brave enough to live their truth, and they were teenagers. What does that say about me? I mean, how pathetic could I be, really…” She trailed off, no longer having a specific goal in mind.

JJ took a deep breath before continuing, knowing she had to finish her testimony at some point. “Those kids were brave enough to be themselves and they almost died, Emily. And when I was in there… All I could think about was you. And me. Because I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember, and I’m tired of pretending I’m not. It’s exhausting, Emily. I’m so… I’m so tired. I’m tired of living a life that’s not real. I love you, and I physically cannot keep hiding it any longer and I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way because I probably just ruined whatever friendship we ever had but I just couldn’t go any longer without admitting that I am absolutely crazy about you and I-”

“I’ve dreamed about being with you for years.”

Emily barely got the words out before reaching forward and taking JJ’s head in her hands, connecting their lips with more urgency than she’d ever felt before. Her stomach did twists and turns as they kissed, and she felt her face heat up as JJ smiled.

JJ’s heart was soaring. She felt like it was about to beat out of her chest, and she was terrified that Emily could feel it leaping and bounding all over the place. Her brain wasn’t doing her any favors, either, and all she could process was the fluttery feeling in her stomach and the soft lips on her own.

JJ grinned as she leaned farther into the kiss, gripping onto the sides of Emily’s jacket and bringing her closer. She felt her stomach flip when Emily’s tongue danced across her bottom lip, and she instantly opened her mouth, welcoming anything and everything the older woman was willing to give her.

JJ gasped and stepped back when she felt a moan slip, embarrassed at her lack of composure. Her eyes snapped up to meet Emily’s, whose pupils had expanded nearly tenfold. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, worrying that she’d ruined their moment.

Emily just smiled before leaning in for another kiss. “Don’t apologize.”

JJ smiled in relief, sighing into the kiss as Emily caressed her back. “I love you so much,” she said. “I can’t believe I hid it for six years,” she said quietly, guilt creeping up inside her.

“JJ,” Emily started, gaze softening at the woman in front of her. “Listen to me.” JJ stared at her, swallowing lightly. “You weren’t ready. There’s no shame in that.”

JJ felt as if thirty pounds were lifted off her shoulders. “Oh my God, you don’t know how happy I am to hear you say that,” she breathed out.

“Everyone… accepts themselves at different times, JJ. I’m proud of you, no matter how long it took.”

JJ looked at her, her eyes glossing over once more. “I just feel like we missed out on so much…”

Emily shook her head as she stared at the woman in front of her, tenderly taking her hand in her own. “We have the whole future, JJ. We have so much time…”

“What about Will?” JJ asked, her voice quivering.

Emily’s smile faltered. “To be honest, JJ…” She looked at JJ’s expression, trying to decipher the meaning. “I only encouraged you to go for him because I thought you wouldn’t feel the same way about me… the way I felt about you.”

JJ felt her blood freeze. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Emily’s eyes widened. “What?” She questioned.

JJ stood up straighter and took a step closer to Emily. “You were in love with me this whole time?”

Emily just blinked, as if it were the most obvious fact in the world. “Well, yeah…”

Nothing, save for a quiet “what the hell,” was muttered from JJ as she took Emily’s face in her hands and crashed their lips together, initiating a much faster, and much deeper kiss than before.

Emily felt a familiar sensation build up in her stomach as she reciprocated the kiss, moaning as six years of feelings bubbled up and over into one moment.

The kiss only got more heated over time, and Emily was beginning to get nervous that they were approaching a point of no return. As it progressed, Emily let out a short gasp at JJ, staring at her in shock after the blonde bit down on her bottom lip, a moan escaping the taller woman’s mouth.

“That’s for telling me to go after Will.”

Emily scoffed and laughed slightly as JJ came closer, taking her lips once again and reaching her arm around to slightly pull on the older agent’s ponytail, smirking to herself as Emily let out another short moan.

“And that’s for taking six years to confess.”

[decks-writing-blog]

Campfire Fest Day Five: Ring World

For @outerwilds-events Campfire Fest Event.

~

Auri jogged into Gabbro’s camp, already raising a hand in greeting. “Hey Gabbro!” Their excited tone matched their rush over. They’d found something then and were eager to share.

Gabbro lowered the flute as they reached the hammock. “Hey, time pal, what’s up? Other than the clouds, that is.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Hmm… let’s see, I believe I arrived not quite a full day before the loop began. And today’s partway through the first day of the loop so about a day and a half, maybe.”

“Ha, real funny. I mean like, relative to our sense of time, how long have you been here for?”

Well Gabbro had tried to dodge the question. “I don’t know. It’s hard to keep track of time when it keeps resetting every three days.”

The excitement in Auri’s stance dimmed. “Have you left the planet even a single time?”

“Nope. I like it here.” And getting to their ship took a lot of effort that would always be undone at the end of the loop and thus didn’t feel worth it.

Leaning in, Auri grabbed the side of the hammock, ceasing its sway. “You’re doubly for sure coming on an adventure with me then. I should’ve dragged you on one sooner, actually. But I have something cool to show you.”

“You could just tell me.” Gabbro liked how animated they got when talking about things that excited them. It was especially nice to see when often they came here for emotional support when the horrors of the universe and time loop dragged them down.

“No. I’m gonna show you. It’s too cool not to see with your own four eyes.Let’s go.” Stepping back, they pointed towards the tunnel. “Also, before you try to say no again, I’m not gonna cave this time and just tell you. You have to come with me to see it. It’s the coolest thing like ever, I promise, and you need to get out of that damn hammock.”

Last time Auri had come to Gabbro, wanting to take them on an adventure, it had been the Quantum Moon and the Nomai, Solanum, upon it. After hearing about it, Gabbro almost regretted refusing to go but… “The hammock’s comfortable. I like it here.”

Auri’s face was unreadable in the helmet but they were probably frowning. They were silent for a long few seconds as they stepped back up to hammock to grab its side again so they could lean over it, putting their face directly above Gabbro’s. “There’s lying around all day because you’re relaxing and taking it easy but then there’s lying around all day because you’re depressed and literally can’t bring yourself to get up. Which are you doing, right now?”

That was a fair question. Auri was struggling with the time loop of course they’d think that maybe Gabbro was too. It was very sweet of them to worry but unnecessary. Gabbro was fine, they could get up any time they wanted. They just… didn’t want to. No particular reason for it, they just weren’t in the mood to get up and go do something. And the time loop gave them all the time in the world to relax so it was fine. They could go with Auri next time they found something cool or just later in general.

Before they could say any part of that though, Auri cut into the gap their hesitation left. “You’ve told me multiple times to take more breaks and to take it easy and stuff. I’m always rushing everywhere and should slow down. You’re the opposite though. You’re going nowhere and doing nothing but lying here, alone and bereft of sunlight. Taking time to relax is great and all but… there’s a limit, right? A point when it goes from resting to a depressive episode. I’ve been thinking about that a lot since you first refused to come to the Quantum Moon with me even though quantum stuff is like, your thing, right? You made a whole quantum poem but you don’t want to go see the Quantum Moon? I don’t believe it.

“So you’re coming with me to see this new thing even if I have to pick you up and carry you all the way there. Don’t think the heavier gravity on this planet will stop me either. And then later we’re going back to the Quantum Moon and then maybe even later after that we’re gonna go on more adventures. You’re done with lying in this hammock all loop, every loop.”

Gabbro didn’t exactly have a solid argument against that. From Auri’s perspective it did look bad, didn’t it? And… they did have a point, huh? Gabbro rarely left the island for the entire time they’d been in the loop and never the planet unless getting tossed up by the cyclones counted as such which would be a stretch. That entire time they only sunlight they’d gotten was when they were tossed into space and that didn’t last long enough to count for a lot. And for a while now, the only socialization they’d been getting was from Auri; radioing any of the others had long since stopped feeling worth the effort. Isolation took a while to become an issue but if not for Auri seeking them out, they might’ve surpassed the threshold by now.

The silence held long and tense as Auri waited for a response. Did they know they’d already basically won the argument? If it could even be called an argument. It was more of a call out. Auri was calling Gabbro out for their laziness passing into a point of being unhealthy. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d lost that balance.

Finally they had to sigh. “You have a point. So I suppose…” Gabbro forced themself to sit up. It was harder than it should’ve been and not just because their body was never allowed the time to fully adjust to the heavier gravity. “…to save you the trouble of forcing me, I’ll go willingly. Show me your cool thing.”

With a delighted cackle, Auri took their offered hand to help pull them the rest of the way to their feet. Still holding it, they dragged Gabbro towards the tunnel. Gabbro didn’t fight it. Probably they needed a little excitement in the life, much like how Auri needed the opposite.

~

“Okay, okay, okay. We’re here!” Auri’s voice was vibrating with excitement. It was endearing. “Come see!”

Lowering the flute, Gabbro stood and walked over to stand behind the pilot seat. Putting one arm hand on the back of it, they leaned slightly over Auri’s shoulder to get a good look through the cockpit window.

It was dark out there, almost unnaturally so. Dark enough that it was hard to see anything at first before it clicked. A massive something loomed in the darkness, impossible to see the whole of even though they seemed to be a fair distance from it. Part of it was rotating almost like a clock gear. Whatever it was wasn’t natural nor was it of Hearthian make and it didn’t look anything like the Nomai tech they were familiar with either. It had to be from the Nomai though, right? Unless there was a third space faring race in the same galaxy. Not impossible but statistically unlikely.

“What is it?” Gabbro had to ask both because they wanted to know and because Auri was no doubt eager to say more. There was no way they’d found this and then abandoned it to go grab Gabbro. They’d probably explored it until the end of last loop at the very least.

“A space ship!”

“Awful big for a space ship.” Gabbro was no expert on the math but knew enough to know that to get something that massive off a planet would take a tremendous amount of force even if the planet had low gravity. Perhaps whoever had built it had done it the same way the Nomai had made the Orbital Probe Canon.

“I know. I’m pretty sure they lived on it, like permanently. There’s a whole… well you’ll see when we get inside. It’s super cool. And probably you’ve figured it out by now but it’s not made by the Nomai.”

“A third space faring species then. That uh… yeah, that is pretty cool.” Not even Gabbro was immune to the excitement that the implications of that news brought. The Nomai were long dead but what about the species that had built this? Were they still around? And even if not, they’d had to have come from out of system, right? If they could do it, that meant it was physically possible and thus others could to. And maybe, just maybe, the Hearthians could as well. They could flee their dying solar system and go somewhere else. Maybe not under their own power, three days wasn’t long enough to build a ship capable of such a feat even with a proof of concept right here, but if this massive ship still functioned or if they could fix it… It was too early to really explore the thought much but it sure was something to consider.

The ship lightly jerked as Auri set it moving towards the massive vessel again. “See? Words wouldn’t do it justice. I had to show you.”

“Yes. Words would not have done it justice. Thanks for… just thanks. This is quite the adventure you dragged me on. I think maybe I needed it.”

“You should come on them with me more. It’d be good for you.”

“Maybe.” More like probably. That was a discussion for later though. First came seeing more this.

[focsle]

I've seen you answer a few asks about whaling history before, so hopefully I'm not offbase asking you questions out of the blue? But anyway, how did people bathe (or keep clean if not by bathing) during long sea voyages?

Not off base at all! Out of the blue whaling history questions are some of my fav asks to receive; I find them thrilling. I can’t help but write an essay every time.

It was particularly hard to keep clean on a whaler, and whalemen were often disparaged by those in other maritime professions. In 1839, naval Lieutenant Charles Wilkes said of the crew of the whaleship America, 

“I have seldom seen at sea a more uncombed and dirty set of mariners than his crew.“

J.E. Haviland of the Baltic, 1856, complained of besmirching his journal pages with the grime that he was unable to scrub off his hands after tarring the rigging, self consciously saying:

“My hands + clothes would look beautiful for a ladies Parlor. I see they even collor the paper but I cannot get the tar out. The Old Man says he intends to have me tar down the rigging a few days before we get in New Bedford so that I shall not forget too soon that I have been a sailor.”

General ships’ work  such as tarring could be messy, but a whaler’s work was even messier. When trying out blubber it was futile to attempt maintaining any semblance of cleanliness during the process. William Abbe of the Atkins Adams, 1859, said that during boiling, a watch would turn in to their bunks a few hours rest, merely ‘after wiping off your bare body with oakum to take off the thickest of the oil”.

But the gore and oil wasn’t forever. After the particular job was done the ship would be meticulously cleaned, and the whalers would tend to themselves too. As Herman Melville wrote,

“The crew themselves proceed to their own ablutions; shift themselves from top to toe; and finally issue to the immaculate deck, fresh and all aglow, as bridegrooms new-leaped from out the daintiest Holland. Now, with elated step, they pace the planks in twos and threes, and humorously discourse of parlors, sofas, carpets, and fine cambrics; propose to mat the deck; think of having hanging to the top; object not to taking tea by moonlight on the piazza of the forecastle. To hint to such musked mariners of oil, and bone, and blubber, were little short of audacity. They know not the thing you distantly allude to. Away, and bring us napkins!”

Haviland expressed gratitude in getting a chance to get clean after all the work of boiling blubber was done:

“I feel much better to day I have given myself a good wash + a clean shave + got in all clean clothes. You would not have known your own son if you could have seen him yesterday. I was nearly black with smoke + dirt. (with shame) I say it was the accumulation of 2 months dirt + 4 months beard. Everything looks as clean + bright as it did before we took the whale”

Being able to bathe was such a highlight that Abbe titled one of his journal pages “Washing myself!!” With TWO exclamation points!

“I write with pride in my fastidious journal that this morning I washed my face + hands with castile soap + fresh water — when shall I do the like again? When shall I write the pleasant and comfortable fact that I have shaved? The future and fair weather only can tell.”

The ship’s slop chest—its general store—had toiletries for sale, often at a very high premium. Whaling account books show men buying pounds of oil soap for their own personal stores. The fresh water was often rainwater collected for this purpose, rather than the casks set aside for drinking.

“This has been a rather squally day,” wrote Mary Lawrence, whaling wife who accompanied her husband on his ship Addison in the 1850s. “Considerable rain has fallen, and everybody on deck is using an abundant supply of rainwater for washing purposes.” She also added, though this is speaking of laundry rather than bathing, “Having stopped up the scuppers, the use the whole deck for one grand washtub.”

They’d use the sea, too. John Martin of the Lucy Ann, wrote of bathing via rain and sea whilst near the equator on January 24th, 1842.

“Towards noon the rain came down in torrents. The weather being sultry the watch on deck shipped off their shirts to it. John the boat steerer went entirely naked with the exception of a handkerchief tied around his privates. In the afternoon it cleared away, when I asked permission from the Captain for the crew to take a bathe over the side. He said we might do it if we rigged a studding sail over the side, which was soon done & all hands that could swim were to be seen jumping from different parts of the ship. Some went out to the end of the flying jib boom & jumped off there. Even the dog was thrown overboard & got his share of washing. I like bathing at sea but for one thing, and that is sharks. I always have a fear that one might be hovering about and give one a nip before he was aware of it.”

It was challenging for whalers to keep clean by nature of the job, but man when they were able to they really seemed to revel in it. For many of them it was more than just a bath; it was a symbolic return to a home they were long away from, or to the man they perceived themselves to be back on shore, or of a society that they felt cut off from in their line of work.

If you’re interested I also wrote a thing about doing laundry on whaleships too, yonder!

[frankenjoly]

ALSO

"I don't kiss and tell." + chuuran

“I love your lipstick” + sigsano (either romantic or platonic)?

aaand we have chuuran with exes skk (you can choose if there's polyamory and they also get together eventually or not) + for the sigsano i did it so it can either be pre-relationship or platonic :3

chuuran + “i don’t kiss and tell”

“It’s not fair, by the way.” Chûya was saying, not entirely seriously. “Like c’mon! How come that you basically know all my datin’ history at this point but I barely know anything ‘bout yours?”

“Well, I don’t kiss and tell, Mr Fancy Hat.” Ranpo answered, in the same demeanor, making Chûya groan, partly because that statement was ridiculous and partly in an attempt to hide a brief laughter. Breaking the charade so soon wouldn’t be as fun, after all. “What? Y’know I’m never wrong.”

“Maybe you aren’t, but that doesn’t mean you cannot bullshit on purpose.”

“Oh? You think I was lying when I said that?” A clearly fake innocent smile accompanied those words.

“Nah, just sayin’ y’know who I dated ‘cause: one, you’re smart as fuck and two, you’ve met the fucker in person. And we both know he spilled it all the goss once the cat was outta the bag.” There wasn’t any need for Ranpo to confirm that, even; Dazai not hiding a ton of things anymore right after the Agency in its entirety got to know he used to be part of the mafia was something that could qualify as public domain in their circles. “If you say shit or nah when it comes to your own record track has nothin’ to do with that.”

“Uh-huh. What can I say except ‘well played’, babe.” Smiling wide, Ranpo leaned in a little, with an offer for a kiss on the lips that Chûya instantly took.

sigma & yosano/sigsano + “i love your lipstick”

“I love your lipstick.” Sigma said, and Yosano’s immediate response was grinning, grateful and proud.

“Aw, thanks.” She had noticed them glancing at her make-up every now and then already, but instead of commenting on it had chosen to let him go at their own pace; for someone who used to work dealing with customers face to face on a regular basis, it wasn’t a skill he used a lot around other detectives, letting almost all emotion show clearly.

Perhaps it was a testament on how quickly they had gotten to feel comfortable with the Agency in general, and Yosano herself in particular. Perhaps it meant it wasn’t worthwhile, trying to keep up appearances when they were all pretty odd.

Perhaps it was a little bit of both.

“Can you tell me where you got it from?” Of course, and she could do more than that, even.

“Yeah! Plus, you can borrow this one too in the meantime.” When Sigma opened their mouth and closed it after mumbling a little, she giggled, but not with malice. “It’s fine, besides…” Yes, the only reason Yosano made a pause right there was to create an effect. “We can go shopping together if you want, and I’ll show you the place where I got that and more.”

Saying Sigma straight up beamed wouldn’t be an understatement in the slightest.

“Really? Thanks!” And then, after just a brief moment of hesitation, he went on with a suggestion of their own. “Also… can you give me some tips too? All my knowledge about make-up so far is limited to hide sleepless nights.”

“Ah, gladly.”

(Also on ao3.)

[olderthannetfic]

/olderthannetfic/768940866455896064/i-dont-like-it-when-heavily-traumatized?

I feel like there's an ounce of truth to saying something like that is cowardice, though? Just as an observation, to be fair. Neutral, not judgemental. It is cowardly—or it can be—and that is also fine, I think. It's pretty realistic to be cowardly, especially after facing trauma. I don't understand what's wrong with that, I guess? Saying so, I mean.

I mean, I can imagine people are needlessly rude about it, but like... generally speaking, what's wrong with being a bit of a coward?

There are two characters I love very deeply who I would say are cowardly, to the extent that they both sort of meltdown, panic and run away—one so much that he has a bout of disorganized speech—and though the circumstances are different, it's just one way to deal with the situation. They can't face it upfront, so they go around, and honestly, in these cases, they're better off for that. It's an extremely overblown and emotional response, but it is also very real. It's fine, I think, if someone is cowardly, because honestly, who isn't? And many things can exacerbate that. It's like being "selfish" or whatever, too, like of course you want things for yourself. Who doesn't? And in that same vein, who isn't afraid? Who faces everything all the time? Who doesn't back down sometimes? It's, you know, normal. Necessary, sometimes. Ideally, you'd improve, but hey, maybe running away initially would be better for facing it later.

Like, you can't deal with everything all the time. Lots of statements like that, "coward", etc., ought to be more neutral. I think every person alive wants to avoid difficulty. I don't think many people are truly that brave or as good as they'd like to think. It's just a way of protecting yourself, albeit, it can be wrong and harmful in and of itself, especially pushed too far—say, avoiding difficulty and pain to the extent that you can say you "don't want to hurt anyone" while somehow managing to hurt everyone. That's not very good, but I mean. It happens. It's more about what you can do to make up for that, or if you even realize it to start, but a lot of that stuff is just totally normal for people to do.

I don't think it'd be bad unless they avoid difficulty to the extreme and never take responsibility. In that case, I'd say no amount of trauma makes up for the damage they'd do. Worse, they likely won't even be able to see the harm because doing that would mean holding themselves accountable, although that can be a lovely trainwreck, at least—made better by the fact it isn't real.

I got off track a little, I don't know. Cowardice is just not being brave. Maybe people will be rude about that, but there's nothing wrong with lacking bravery, and there are plenty reasons one would, especially after facing some particular hardship. Closing yourself off is cowardly on some level, but objectively it is also a way to protect yourself, and that may be insensible or ridiculous to some, but it's also a perfectly reasonable response. Makes sense, psychologically. When you face a lot of hardship and then get on the other side of that, sometimes it just makes it harder to face anything else. And I just don't think cowardice is wrong, inherently. Withdrawing can protect us. Sometimes, that made us safe before. Maybe it doesn't now, but people will keep doing the thing that made them safe before, long past its expiration date. And that can hurt a lot more than if we hadn't. So it's a neat thing to explore, but I dunno. To me, "coward" is a net neutral. It isn't a statement of value. It just is. The value lies in the handling of the cowardice, I think, not in the word itself.

--

[our-queer-experience]

i wont lie i understand where the biphobic anon is coming from, bc i've felt similarly in the past before (that there are people who claim queerness but never suffered or claim queerness in order to give themselves a free 'i'm queer so i'm allowed to say/do *insert queerphobic thing*' pass) but generally speaking, that type of thought is just your instinctive, lizard brain thinking. I like to think of it as an actual lizard. It's freaking out because it thinks there's someone encroaching its territory. You, as the lizard's owner, have to gently reassure it that nothing is going on, give it a little fruit, and put a towel over the enclosure to make it feel more secure. How you do that is up to you, but generally speaking I ask myself this question: "Am I assuming malicious intent due to the identity of this queer person, or have I actually witnessed them say or do something malicious?" Then proceed from there.

that being said, i do think there is a wider issue of queer people not lifting each other up when they clearly have the platform to do so. And also people who like to say 'I'm gay, so I can't be transphobic'! or some similar excuse to hide their lateral bigotry (*looks at Rupaul* *looks at Lauren the Mortician* *looks at that one post i saw many years ago that says it's totally ok to like yaoi but it's weird to watch lesbian porn*). However, the 'blame' doesn't fall solely on any particular group of queer people--we all have a responsibility to uplift each other. Rather, it is a society-wide problem that many individuals haven't unpacked in themselves yet (correlation is not causation--sure, there may be a correlation between some demographics and some behaviors, but those behaviors are not caused by being a part of that demographic). There is no one specific demographic that is trying to take down any other demographic. You (general) are allowed to feel frustrated that people who don't have your experiences are talking like they relate to them. At the same time, understand that their experiences are not lesser just because they don't have yours. The queer community isn't just one experience, as a quick scroll through this blog will very clearly indicate. In addition, someone talking about their own experience on their own platform isn't trying to speak over you or speak for you.

Queerness is not defined solely by suffering, and we should not let it become that way. Queerphobia is not an identity, it's an action. And you are not immune to propaganda being queerphobic!!! Everyone has work to do! This statement is inclusive of all identities!! I have witnessed queerphobia from more than a fair share of queer people, and they have come from all different queer identities, it's not exclusive to the 'least oppressed' queer identities, whatever you think it might be. And we really really really shouldn't be trying to single out any identities as being "not like us" because.... that's literally what cisnormative, heteronormative society did to us. We are not going to escape the system by becoming a second version of it.

Sorry this got long. I have thoughts and feelings, unfortunately

youre so right but the op did not give a fuck about any of the intersectional or complex bits of this they were just mad at cis bi women for “claiming oprsssion”

[jjs-brainrot]

Can't have complexity and nuanced characters in yuri because they'll get misunderstood and overly hated T~T The Kanoko hate has got to be from people who have just watched the anime, because Yoko is literally made to be the most hated character in the series. She's given her own complexity but her actions are almost always framed as being wrong, and her presence is anxiety inducing because she's seemingly uncaring about anything/one outside of herself and her own desires.

Kanoko, at her worst, is just a girl with bpd and is in love with her Favorite Person. And the whole love triangle drama, which isn't rare in stories at all. It's not like Bloom Into You, Kanoko isn't like Sayaka, she's not just going to bow out gracefully. It's just not the type of story that requires its characters to be one dimensional to be enjoyable.

The anime ending right before the arc where "Hime can't fall in love" actually starts being explored definitely did a number on Kanoko's credibility. It just makes her seem like she's possessive over Hime instead of her actually understanding how Hime feels about romance.

Unfortunately, a fair number of manga readers tend to hate her as well (even more than Yoko somehow) which is always infuriating because she literally does nothing wrong and is just a teenager who's going through shit. The only person who understood her and acted as a release valve for her feelings is also a source of frustration for those feelings. She's emotionally stuck between a rock and a hard place as Hime is the most important person in her life, but she also knows if she opens up about her love for her, she could lose Hime altogether.

It was only once Sumika reached out and offered to be someone Kanoko can actually talk about all the stuff she couldn't with Hime to, could she actually begin to even actually process her feelings towards Hime without worrying she'd lose someone very important to her. (and then Sumika becomes someone important to her and also someone she becomes scared of losing.)

Unfortunately Yuri is My Job! has the same problem a lot of satires have: the general audience expecting it's what it says on the box only to find that it subverts and critiques its particular genre (Class S). Like it's very much not the lighthearted romcom it initially bills itself as and has far more drama and interesting stuff to say about its characters and genre than you'd expect from the initial premise.

I could probably fill multiple blog posts talking about most of the complexities of all of the rest of the cast (Hime with being aro and her obsession over masking, Yano dealing with learning to mask while being autistic, Sumika being deep in the closet and not handling romantic feelings well, etc.), but Kanoko is forever my favorite and I will always defend her from those who hate on her.

[xiakha]

FFXIVWrite 2024 Prompt #9 - Lend an Ear

Outside of Many Fires, Xiao fished on the Dewspun Bank. Fishing wasn’t in particular a necessity in her life as it had been, so she generally used it to keep her mind off things. But sometimes her mind needed to go off on things.

“We ought to talk with him,” said a voice, smoother than hers. “Am I not sworn to the Third Promise? No sense in it.” “We both know Wuk Lamat is incapable of striking down her brothers, her own family. She is softer than you were when you first set out,” the voice spat, and Xiao almost expected there to be a splash, “We don’t have the luxury of years of hardship if we are to complete our task.” Xiao coolly eyed her reflection in the moonlight. The swift waters distorted the image, but not the voice, “Been quiet for a while, what’s the occasion?” Esteem cocked her head, “You’ve not given me reason to speak out since we left Zenos at the end of all things, and I think we’re both happier when you can ignore my presence.” Xiao didn’t say anything. “...Holding your tongue does naught when I reside within your thoughts.” So she grumbled instead, “Don’t like the First Promise.” “I’m well aware, but think on it. Whence does this distaste stem?” “Big bastard.” “Ha! Wrong on both counts. He is perhaps as legitimate as could possibly be, possibly more legitimate than either other Promise if one wished to be miserably exacting. Nay, the issue lies in the fact that he is as legitimate as you.”

Xiao felt a tug on her line and reeled back in. But the fish got away. “You know you didn’t feel a tug on the line. You’re just looking for excuses to avoid thinking about this.” Was her reflection now crossing her arms? “Fine. Aye, he’s like me. Of the Promises, He’s the one that I most see myself in.” Esteem seemed pleased, “Good. Why deny it?” “...’Cause he’s a big bastard.” There was a sigh that seemed to emanate from the water, “They will come into conflict sooner or later, they must. That is how this Rite works. Inevitably, before we reach the end, one of these feats will leave at least one of the claimants without a keystone, but none will readily renounce their claim to support another, especially as we can surmise these feats are, more or less, demanding but not impossible. Any claimant that loses out on a keystone will likely feel cheated. Therefore, it is inevitable that blows will be exchanged. And again, you know as well as I that our claimant is the least likely to win in any martial encounter. Not because she lacks the prowess, but because her heart bleeds too readily.” “She could beat Bakool Ja Ja.” Esteem paused, as if to think this over, “...Yes, but we both know the Blessed Siblings are unlikely to fight fair. And that is entirely besides the point. Zoraal Ja is the one to defeat.” “...Like the chances against Koana then?” Her reflection shared a look with her, “When was the last time you thought Thancred or Urianger a threat?” Xiao smirked despite herself, and then sighed. “All right. Next time there’s a chance, I talk to the big blue bastard.” Her reflection didn’t respond. Instead it looked quite content fishing. 

***

“The Skyruin lies dead, and still I have yet to prove myself the miracle…” Xiao looked at her reflection in the large and lifeless glassy eye of Valigarmanda. It tilted its head in Zoraal Ja’s direction. She tried to look away, but she knew she couldn’t, so she instead rolled her eyes. Her reflection shook its head and then tilted it again. She groaned. “Zoraal Ja, a moment.” The Resilient Son looked at Xiao in confusion, his face a look of distraction, weakness even. He then shook his head and forced all emotion from his features, settling back into his general look of superiority and contempt, “Xiao Longbao, your martial prowess is indeed as they have claimed. Sareel Ja was correct, I could have easily left this tural vidraal to my siblings and their retinues, pressing my advantage. What such an unmatched warrior is doing in my sister’s employ, I do not know, but I shall grant you this moment.” Xiao closed her eyes, mostly to avoid shooting daggers at Zoraal Ja. She breathed deep and then slapped a look of determined resolve on her face, “Don’t sell yerself short, would be hard pressed to fight the likes of you.” Zoraal Ja’s eyes flickered to and fro for a moment, before they focused back on Xiao, “Indeed. Though ultimately, I believe your years of experience would give you the edge.” Did he just imagine the entire fight? And years of experience? What was he trying to imply?  Was he trying to piss her off?

Xiao pressed on, the corners of her smile tightening, “...Mayhap. Look, pledged as I may be to Wuk Lamat, ‘twould be a disservice to Tural to withhold advice or counsel to any of the Promises, especially since any one of ye may soon be Dawnservant.” “Oh? And where does this sudden generosity stem? Are you looking to commit sabotage? Afraid that my sister will be left behind?” “Nay, ‘tis naught of the sort, ‘tis much more selfish a motivation, in truth.” “...Pray tell.” “Aye,” Xiao swallowed, “Recognize yer path, the duty and expectations ye feel bound to.” Zoraal Ja opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it. “What could an adventurer and a mercenary from across the seas know of the duties and expectations placed upon the Resilient Son?” He said, looking away.  “It ain’t anything as grand as Dawnservant, but I was chosen to rule my clans, become the next Matriarch.” Zoraal Ja scoffed, “And what does ruling over a few motley clans of Hhetsarro have in common with ruling over all of Tural?” Xiao’s smile bared more teeth, “‘Tis not the actual ruling. ‘Tis the expectation to rule. ‘Tis living yer life in the shadow of a parent and the expectation of matching or accomplishing more than the parent, despite yer lack of experience.” It was like he was doing everything he could to make her regret having talked with him in the first place.  “...Have you not?” “Pardon?” “Am I to believe that Xiao Longbao, known even in Tural as the Champion of Eorzea, Liberator of Nations, Savior of the Star, and Warrior of Light did not surpass the works and deeds of her parent?” Most of the celebration had died down by now, and everyone was looking the way of Xiao and Zoraal Ja. 

“...’Tis only ‘cause I refused, y’understand? ‘Tis only ‘cause ‘twas too much for me. Left my duties, my home, everything.” If he was so aware of her comings and goings, why did he refer to her as a mere adventurer and mercenary just moments before? “So I am to take advice from a deserter of kin? What, will you tell me to abandon my claim so someone as weak as my sister could rule in my stead?” Xiao was ready to draw her weapon, but resisted. The others had picked up on the tense atmosphere their otherwise quiet conversation had.  “‘M simply offering to listen, if you need someone to talk to. Yer role and your duties are a lot, and I understand better than most would.” Zoraal Ja looked directly at Xiao. A mixture of resentment, disdain, and a momentary flash of despair crossed his face. “I would sooner talk with my reflection,” he said, “But if I am ever so deep in the cups that I have need of a lap to spew into, I will duly consider yours.” Zoraal Ja then turned to leave, deeming the conversation over.

Xiao looked more winded than she did immediately after fighting Valigarmanda. She sank to the ground, hugged her shins and buried her face in her knees. A high pitched sound emanated from her face. “Sure.” She then said to her knees, “That’s the least I can offer.”

***

"Zoraal Ja. As of this moment, you are no longer a claimant. I disqualify you from the rite of succession. Begone from my sight.” Zereel Ja had just enough control in his expression to avoid smiling. And it was such that Zoraal Ja slunk away. But before he did, he paused before Xiao. He did not turn his head to look at her. He did not open his mouth to say anything. He simply berated himself silently for giving into such weakness as to even consider Xiao’s offer, and kept moving. There was no reflection this time for Xiao to look upon. Even if there were, she doubted it would have any wisdom or snark. Xiao finally understood what she saw in Zoraal Ja. It wasn’t a reflection, it was a foil, an inverse. Despite their matched strength in arms and the similarity in their circumstances, they were diametrically opposed in all ways that mattered. Their trajectories were symmetrically divergent. She could never be so headstrong as to go through and become the next Matriarch, no matter how doomed by duty and expectation she felt. Then, and maybe even now, she would crack under pressure, under the overwhelming feelings of isolation. And Zoraal Ja could never allow himself to be free and wander as an adventurer. He could never reach out for help and learn to rely on the strength of others. And so there were no words to be said or offers to be accepted. There could only be the fundamental clash of worldviews to come.

[voxofthevoid]

Re: JJK 267.

Hard agree with you. I also liked the 1v1 with support element and I LOVED being proven right after constantly getting told I was huffing copium because I've always maintained that Nobara was still alive but outside of that (and my general happiness to have her back) I wasn't a huge fan of this chapter.

There were quite a few reasons I was certain Nobara was alive (a big one being that her death was never confirmed anywhere and one of the first rules of anime is if you don't see the body they aint dead) but as the story progressed from Shibuya it became clear to me that this was where the story was heading in regards to Nobara: her showing up last minute to help deliver the final blow…and that kind of annoyed me.

One of the things JJK got praised a lot for in the beginning was having a diverse group of female characters that actually had their own backstories and motivations and having the main female character NOT be a love interest. Except after Shibuya the women in the cast pretty much dwindled down to nothing and it became obvious to me, particularly after it was made clear Kenjaku was not going to be the Big Bad, that Nobara's "death" and her continued absence were all for the sake of plot convenience. Her technique can attack and damage the soul. That makes her technique a perfect counter to Sukuna especially since they want to save Megumi. And that all means she needed to be kept out of the way to drag the story out more. She basically got put up on the shelf to wait because Gege couldn't find a way to write around her in a manner that would allow for her technique to still be an ace in the hole and dangerous against Sukuna while still continually ramping him up as a threat.

Because of that I was HOPING I was soooo hoping that we would end up covering the merger and my girl would get some screen time and more development but nope. Instead the female lead of JJK has been gone for over half the story because Gege didn't know what to do with her (which after Gojo that's nothing new) and she was only brought back into the story at the last minute to serve as a plot device to help Yuji pull off the win.

I'm happy she's back but I wanted so much more for her as a character and so much more for her fans and we're not gonna get that.

United we stand in painland 🤝

So fair re the vindication and also the disappointment/disillusionment regardless of it. The reason I went from Nobara copium to the "nah she's dead" camp was that the space for her return came and went, especially after the timeskip. I still could've swallowed it if the merger was going to be a thing, but this? Bringing her back for a last-moment assist in the fifth-last chapter and having her wake up half an hour earlier—are you fucking kidding me?

I agree about the female character thing too. JJK got put on a pedestal for that early on, I think, and it ended up being unwarranted. I still like its female characters more than those in most shonen I've seen, but it's still... y'know, shonen and it shows. I got into JJK well after the CG arc, so my expectations in this regard weren't as high as those of people who got into it earlier. I came across this discourse afterward, mostly.

It's Nobara's treatment in particular that pisses me off. Her "death" was well crafted and executed. And walking it back could have been done well while retaining its impact and importance, but that's not what we got. You've put it best: it feels like Gege didn't know how to incorporate her into the story while keeping her as an ace up the sleeve against Sukuna's growing threat. And honestly, even that's not a particularly novel role? How many "secret weapons" have they already pulled out against Sukuna? The timing of her attack makes it special, but the role itself is a fucking revolving chair.

[ribbonverse]

y u do dis?

Fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57162358

I feel like by the end of the Soul Society arc, the Bleach universe already had plenty of width, and what it needed going forward was more depth. Instead it kept piling powers upon powers and retcons kept accumulating on top of reveals. And for what?

To use an in-universe metaphor, Bleach lost its heart and became a Hollow long ago, and has been haunting the people who loved it ever since. That's the case for me, at least. It's very frustrating to me that a great series with a ton of potential was completely squandered because the author is apparently allergic to relationships or something.

Anyway, I think it's fair to say that along with just being Really Cool, Bleach until the end of the Soul Society arc had an emotional core that appealed to many people. It was pretty clear that Ichigo wasn't just saving Rukia because he felt it was his duty or whatever. He was saving someone who completely changed his life on multiple levels, including an emotional one, and he was saving her because he felt very passionately about it. This was clear because it was set up in the previous story arc, starting all the way in chapter 1.

But instead of what it was actually set up as, the story of Bleach until the end of the Soul Society arc became "boy meets girl, girl saves boy and his family by giving him her powers, boy and girl work together and become close, girl gets in trouble and is going to get executed, boy pushes himself to a breaking point and corrupts his soul to obtain the power to save girl, gets almost killed many times but finally saves girl (or thereabouts), boy and girl go their separate ways as friends."

A pretty ridiculous ending if you ask me, but it had to happen because it was in the script.

Hey, what's that on the ground there, is that the script? Let's have a look, shall we.

Huh? The main character doesn't get a moment's rest before being targeted by the Bad Guys and is now basically useless? And two seconds after obtaining the One Ring Hōgyoku that was supposed make his Hollow experiments a success, Aizen already has his own Budget Gotei 13, which is just the Captains and no other characters, and none of them are interesting because they're literally just self-centered and unhinged Bad Guys with no other purpose than being antagonists?

And when they're not out antagonizing the Main Character, they're just waiting for him in Budget Soul Society, a dimension that's literally just an empty desert with some simple geometric shapes passing for buildings here and there, like someone made their first 3D models in Blender and tried to create their own MMO?

And why's everyone got Spanish names all of a sudden? Where's all the cool Japanese stuff?

Wait, what's this? The girl that the boy almost destroyed his soul in order to save is back, and now she's grabbing him and shoving his face at the Budget Magical Girl and basically telling them to kiss? It's like she broke the fourth wall, saw that people were shipping her with the Main Character, and said "NOPE".

But I thought Bleach wasn't about relationships anymore, and now we're going with one of the least likely pairings in this particular universe?

Well, it's in the script, so it had to happen.

The so-called story really goes off the rails as time goes on. I don't even know how many people actually cared about Bleach past a certain point, because people don't keep reading/watching stuff they don't care about. And as a consequence, the fans that are left after a while are the ones who think the current state of the work is actually good for some reason.

Basically what I'm saying is, f the script, 'cause it's really dumb. I guess that's the essence of fanfiction a lot of the time.

In slightly less ranty terms

It seems to me that it became a less-than-generic, angsty series about endlessly fighting for some nebulous reason that everyone's long forgotten about, where Ichigo is stuck in an infinite loop of wearing a scared or desperate expression because he's failing, then getting a powerup, and either winning or losing before repeating the cycle. And the impressive part is that all of this happens without any major emotional significance or growth as a person.

It also didn't help that I found the attempts at Spanish influence that appeared post-Soul Society to be supremely uninteresting and strangely executed. It's basically just words that are entirely unconnected to the rest of the universe, making them feel really out of place.

The Japanese stuff, the characters and the exploration of certain aspects of the Shinigami world was what made things so fascinating. But then everyone put on these white Halloween masks and started playing Hollows, like someone was inspired by the least intersting parts of the first story arc and begun writing bad fanfiction (no offense).

The setting changed from an actual Society to a literal desert, the only purpose of which is to contain the Bad Guys that the Protagonist needs to defeat, like a cheaply made RPG where there's only one significant landmark in the entire game world and enemies just keep spawning on a flat field for the players to grind until they level up.

What's the point of an uninhabited place that's only populated by hostile NPCs with overinflated egos and nothing of interest to say? If I ever want to subject myself to that, I'll go play a Souls game (note: I'm not actually going to do that, so don't call the hotline. I'm not prone to self-harm).

Not that Soul Society was a masterpiece of worldbuilding either. Pac-Man, anyone? You could probably write a melancholy song titled The Walls of Seireitei in which Kenpachi laments how he can never find a worthy opponent in this endless maze, and if only he was programmed to have the ability to jump he might be able to escape this fresh hell. But the game only has quick-time events, so he can only jump at pre-determined points in the story.

I guess these days you could have an AI write and compose that song for you, and it would be pretty good.

But in any case, you can look at almost anything other than the empty environments in Soul Society and notice that at least an effort was made. Inspiration was taken, there was some really Cool Stuff in every volume, if not every chapter. And I don't mean the cosplayers-wearing-Hollow-masks kind of "cool" that things devolved into, I mean interesting things being said, characters/Zanpakutou shown, and events unfolding, putting the actions of our characters into a larger context.

In other words, worldbuilding. Now that was cool. And characters can only really be cool if the concept of "cool" is properly defined and established within the context of the fictional world they inhabit. Like the Bankai, for example. But who cares about seeing yet another one when everyone finds a Bankai under their seat and it becomes a requirement for participation?

It should also matter why someone attains a Bankai or any sort of power. Oh, what's that? The main character puts himself through training that amounts to torture and corruption of his soul, gets nearly killed in almost every subsequent fight he participates in, goes through yet more torturous training to attain the Ultimate Power, visibly ages during his journey to save a woman he has a very special relationship with, has some kind of evil demon take residence within his soul due to how far he went for her, and in the end they're Just Friends?

Sure, now tell me the one about the one-armed Shinigami and his rabbit-shaped Bankai.

All of this was probably said a million times over 15 years ago, but I don't particularly care. What I do care about is that great things were done and there was amazing potential for the future, but it was flushed down the toilet. Along with the Only Correct Ship™.

So I wrote a fic. It's an IchiRuki ship at its core, but I also added some things to the world when inspiration struck. I mostly wrote this as a form of emotional expression and to let out the ideas that came to me in the small hours of one morning.

So far there are over 70k 50k words that are mostly ready to be published, as well as some stuff for a possible follow-up series. However, some finishing touches need to be put on still, so it's not all going to come out at once.

Also, this is the first fanfiction (and really the first creative work of any kind) I've ever written. So keep that in mind.

It's also not going to be for everyone, because I've been heavily influenced by certain things (mostly David Eddings' Belgariad-verse and Harry Potter). And not everyone finds value in the same things. So if you find it long-winded, it's probably not just you.

[magesmeatymuses]

On a whole different planet...

Hajime Hinata, colloquially called "The Rookie". The newest BLADE operative and the de facto leader of the team on account of its utter lack of cohesion. Accidentally stumbled his way into this position in an attempt to feel like he was benefiting the people of New LA. Never picks a particular Division and tends to flipflop, much to his teammates' consternation.

He remains a Drifter, not specialising in any one Class nor any two particular Weapons. He tends to prefer more melee-focused tactics in battle, though. In reality, Izuru's a Drifter on account of knowing all the Skills, Classes, Arts, etc etc.

Mikan Tsumiki, colloquially called "The Nightingale". The de jure leader of the team who only got the role because she's the one who's been with BLADE the longest. Signed up to become a Mediator to specifically avoid combat and also so she could stick to being a nurse, but got roped into this anyway by Commander Vandham.

Her Class, if you'll believe it, is Mastermind+, swapping out the Knife with a Shield and sticking to her trusty Raygun. Her favourite art combo is Brainjack into Servant Sacrifice, which honestly creeps Hajime out given how giddy she gets when she pulls it off.

Hiyoko Saionji, colloquially called "The Fair Lady", which is tongue-in-cheek given her general demeanour. She's the second-oldest member of the squadron in terms of when she first joined BLADE and her tempter often puts her at odds with some of the other non-team members. You wouldn't believe it just by looking at her, but she's part of the Reclaimers division. (She wants to bring back Japanese culture. Bozé makes her puke.)

Her Class, by the grace of God, is the Full Metal Jaguar. No one knows why or how she's so proficient with Dual Swords and Dual Guns despite her general physique, but she just brushes it off as "I just pretend I'm using my fans and it works well enough". The only BLADE aside from Cross and Elma to possess a natural Ghost Factory Art.

Himiko Yumeno, colloquially called "The Magician" in reference to the Tarot card. (She hates it.) The newest member before Hajime. Initially joined as a Mediator with the intention of performing magic tricks to New LA's people, got roped into joining the Outfitters once they successfully convinced her she could be a real mage by using weapons in the shape of staffs. Like Lao from the Pathfinders Division, Himiko is often too lazy to complete missions and inadvertently shunts the responsibility to her other teammates. She'll never betray a friend, however.

Her Class, somehow, is Astral Eagle+. She uses a Javelin that's shaped like a mage's staff, a raygun that she pretends is shooting out mana at people, and plays more of a support role in combat than anything particularly offensive.

[monsieuroverlord]

Could someone who has either commissioned artists and/or is an artist who has done commissions let me know if I'm being a complete tool or not?

Personal vent (warning -- very long):

I know it's a minor thing, but I feel like I'm going insane and I'm not sure if I'm being an asshole.

So, I like commissioning artists when I have a bit of extra money, right? It's fun! It's supposed to be fun! I like doing my own art and also paying artists for their art!

And in most cases, I have had wonderful results -- prompt and easy communication, relatively fair and/or quick delivery with amazing results. It's always so cool to see how people I commission interpret my requests/references.

But there's this one artist that is absolutely driving me insane. It all started back in May 2023, for my birthday, as a goofy indulgence for myself, I paid for a commission. The timing was perfect, as they had opened commissions a couple weeks before my birthday. It's digital art, which I know is generally quicker than traditional art. So I figure, I'll probably get this commission by my birthday if they're not too busy or sometime after. That's cool, I can wait. So, I paid upfront with a little tip included because a) it's my birthday, saving money is not for birthdays lol, b) their art is pretty and at the time, I felt they deserved a little tip for their hard work regardless, and c) I felt part of my request might be a bit challenging and/require a general bit of extra detail, so I was overeager to add a bit extra upfront. Why not, you know? (loop back to reason a)

So I paid. And a few weeks go by. So I'm like, "Okay, they probably have a few more in the queue in front of me" and at this time I'm seeing commissions for others being completed and publicly posted in the weeks between me paying and when the commissions were posted, so clearly they're working away even though they haven't confirmed with me directly, right? And I was very detailed in my initial request, so perhaps they'll reach out once they have a rough sketch for me!

I finally got a message 4 weeks later. They said they'll have a rough sketch for "sometime in the next week." I say, "no worries, take your time!" because shit happens, life comes up, you know?

6 weeks go by.

I send a message.

Ten days go by.

I get a message with rough line art. It looks great! I'm thinking "Wonderful, they finally got to work! New profile pic for me soon!"

Two months go by -- no update. I send a message -- "Hello, just checking in. I hope things are going well for you!" No response.

One month later (It's now December 2023) -- I send another message (similar to previous one). No response.

One month later (January 2024) -- I wrote "Hello, just checking in again! Its been five months since your last message, so any update (even just to say things will be very delayed) would be greatly appreciated! Thank you"

No response.

And I mean, they don't seem to be too active on this particular social media site, so I consider the possibility that maybe they're just not checking? Maybe! Not the most professional thing in my opinion, but I also recognize that not everyone works a busy office job where you are expected to respond within 48 hours on business days, you know?

So, I give it a week, then I try the social media site they appear to be more active on -- they consistently repost stuff and have been pretty active in posting sketches of personal art. No response.

I also try the site I paid for my commission on. No response.

The week after that, I send another message on the original social media site, admittedly much harsher --"Hey, I'm a little disappointed in the lack of communication. I understand that things come up and I'm more than happy to work with you, but I would appreciate some kind of regular update (even if just to say things are delayed). I'd also understand if you no longer want to do the commission or anything like that, but I'd prefer not to be left in the dark. Thank you"

At this point, I am puzzled. I understand MAYBE not getting notifications, but as a commission artist, isn't it more professional to at least update your client once a month or so? Like I said, maybe my last message was a bit harsh, but it's been around five months at this point.

Another month goes by (February 2024) -- i send one last final message, because I FINALLY caught them at a time they were actively posting and reposting things! Surely they'll see it!

Sure enough, I get a response by that same day, six hours later, with a colored update of my commission! They let me know that family stuff came up, they had a hospital trip, etc. and they're not sure when they'll actually finish it, so they offer a refund.

Again, I'm probably being cold, but I was frustrated, so I say:

"Hello, I very much understand that things come up, but it has been six months since your last response. I’ve sent four messages via Tumblr and one via Ko-fi in addition to these two twitter messages. I would’ve very much appreciated a quick message at some point just to say things are delayed/things came up. My apologies for being harsh, but I do not think the lack of communication is acceptable.

"And yes, I think a refund would be beneficial. Thank you."

And to my surprise, they agreed that it was unprofessional, stated that they'll make a bigger effort in the future, and we got my refund sorted.

AND THIS IS WHERE I KNOW I'M AN IDIOT! (a.k.a. part 2 of commission frustration).

Fast forward to end of September 2024.

They open commissions again -- I won't specify the situation for privacy's sake, but they stated they were going through a tough situation and needed money ASAP.

And I internally debate this for a week or so. I recognize I'm in a very lucky situation -- live solo in my own apartment, bills all paid, fulltime job with solid enough benefits, two adorable fluffy cats. I got a bit of extra money, why not? (I always budget a portion as "fun money") Surely, based on their last message to me, they probably learned at least a bit more professionalism, right? At least, just enough to update me once a month or so, right? (Spoiler alert: I was incorrect)

They respond a week later and accept my request. Great! I pay upfront and I think all is well!

About three days later, they send me the lineart sketch! Wonderful! It looks decent so far (good placement, features I wanted, etc). Great!

About a week later, they let me know that they're still working on it, but things are busy in their personal life. cool. I thank them for the update.

In the meantime, they're still posting personal art -- mostly their fav characters, things like that. I do art for fun, so I understand working on multiple things at once (sometimes ya need to take a break on a specific pose or gesture if for whatever reason, no matter what you do, it doesn't look right, ya know? Or, more personally, I'm currently working on a big piece with a lot of details, but I love warming up with some gesture practice in general.)

Just under 4 weeks later, another message, letting me know, they're still working on it, but personal life is busy. They'll get flat colors to be soon. I thank them for the update again.

That was 2 months ago. I sent a message the other day, as they had been reblogging things pretty consistently for the past week or so (so I know they had been online, on that particular social media site).

Then this morning I just gave up and blocked them. I can't do it anymore. It's not even about what I paid at this point! It's just not healthy to be checking every single day, sending message after message, to no avail. I recognize I didn't even wait that long before blocking them, but I am just so fed up at this point! And if history is any indicator, I'm clearly going to have to wait another 6 months for any sort of response and I just can't do it.

I have fair reason to believe it's not a scam in the traditional sense, but I just cannot take being strung along like this anymore. I know for damn sure it's not anybody else's responsibilities to manage my triggers for me, but I cannot tolerate any sort of silent treatment/things that really feel like silent treatment, you know? And this really feels like silent treatment. (long story -- childhood trauma-based, not the worst thing in the grand scheme of things, but not great.) I swear I tried really hard to be patient, but I'm at the point I don't care anymore. And I know I didn't provide any hard deadline (I like to think I'm flexible in most cases), but I don't think at least a quick message every month or so is an unreasonable expectation, is it? Especially since I usually message them?

And I didn't mention it was my birthday on the first attempt because I didn't want them to feel pressured, so I 100% did not expect it to be done by said birthday at all (Like I said, it was only a couple weeks before my birthday, and I didn't 100% know my place in the queue, so that's just unreasonable) but 8-ish months after the fact, with ZERO response for 6 of those months, just seems too long to me.

And now, it's been 3-ish months with zero updates for 2 months.

I dunno. I just keep flopping back and forth between "You clearly need to learn to be more patient!" and "This is completely aggravating. You are clearly not getting this commission. Stop trying." and either way, I feel like I'm somehow acting unreasonably in this situation. Maybe blocking them was too much, but honestly, I'm so sick of seeing their art and it doesn't feel like I was ever getting that commission anyway.

At the minimum, it's just feels like a severe lack of respect for me as a client, regardless of my own personal idiosyncrasies. I don't know. I'm just frustrated. Mentally, it just feels like spinning wheels in my head -- lot of effort, with zero to no results or conclusion. Commissioning artists is supposed to be fun. This isn't fun anymore. But I don't know if I am being totally and utterly unreasonable or not.