#But I really cannot see that reason right now. And I am so miserable.

[rahabs]

I should have listened to my instincts and avoided law school lmao everyone says law school is the worst part of law but uh, no, actually everything gets worse after you get the JD because the entire culture of law is shitty and toxic and I’m so Miserable.

[fuckmyskywalker]

ani sleeping w his stepdaughter cause her mom wouldn’t put out, but he tells her it’s okay because technically she’s half her mom. so he’s not cheating.

— 18+. Smut. Dead dove do not eat. Stepcest/Fauxcest. Afab!Reader | Fem!Reader. This is sick.

— a/n: I don't know who the fuck you are but I want to kiss you. I am. Speechless. (not proofread, it is 3 am).

It was hard for him to take his eyes away from you to start with. He was supposed to be a good role model— to make up for the father you never had… and yet, he was finding himself down on his knees for you. You wanted money to get your nails done? Stepdad!Anakin is handing you the cash. You want a new skirt you saw online? Send the link to Anakin so he can get it for you. You want to relieve that uncomfortable itch that boys your age simply cannot alleviate? Oh, your stepdad is more than happy to help.

There was always a small doubt at the back of his head; you are… well, his wife’s daughter. It could be described as «logical reasoning», but Anakin is— probably— physically incapable of not thinking about you the way he should be thinking about his wife. Sometimes it brings him pure spite, even disgust… but when you are so close— yet so far, can you really blame him? Despite his years, Anakin is insanely attractive; those silver strands mixing with his blonde curls, the small wrinkles around his tired blue eyes, even those strong, hard-working hands that rest on your waist when you greet him after a long day of work… Yeah, can you really blame a man?

He has to share you with his wife, and despite being something normal, he doesn't like it— but he doesn't know it, or at least hasn't thought about it. Anakin just dislikes how you cling to your mother, it being justified. She raised you alone, she gave you the life you have— he just walked into your life and your mother’s house to make everything more perfect than it already was.

Maybe it is an insult to your mother’s intellect and integrity to… fuck you, but, can you really fucking blame Anakin?

Anakin loves how willing you are. How you are so eager to fulfill the hole your mother is slowly leaving. Late nights at the office and poor daddy is all alone… you sure needed to step up and help him, right? And it is only fair, he gives you everything you want! So you might as well pay him back somehow, right? Right?

A man has certain… urges. Everyone knows that. 

You know that.

And if he is married to your mother, and you are— practically half, is it even cheating?

Because it should make you feel guilty, because his cock has no right nestling inside your tight pussy in a way that has you touching the sky, fisting your sheets and moaning his name while your phone buzzes next to your head with a miserable text that reads: «Honey, I'll work extra hours tonight, tell Anakin to buy some takeout.»

“Ignore her,” Anakin groans, pushing your head against your pillow. He pulls your hair too, yanking your head up enough to hear your moans, but low enough for your tears to be eaten by the pillow. Crying on the bed is something girls do all the time, so if your mother sees it, it would be easy to explain. “Focus on me, princess. Does it feel good?”

You nod dumbly, sometimes it seems like your brain decides to take a break every time his cock slides in. “Uh-uh,” You mumble, drool trickling down your mouth. 

��Good girl. Don’t think about her. It’s her fault anyway,” Your stepdad grins, slapping your ass for good measure. He likes how responsive you are— so different from your mom. She barely makes any sound. “You feel so fucking amazing, way better than she does.”

The backhanded praise makes your stomach swirl with little butterflies. Daddy complimented you! That’s lovely. That sure fills the void inside your heart. All you wanted your whole life was approval… and now, you have the most perfect, most caring, most attentive man in the universe to give it to you. 

So, naturally, you beg for more. “Yeah?” It’s a breathless weak question, but it makes Anakin’s smile grow wider. “Do I… I feel better?”

“A hundred percent, doll,” Anakin purrs, looking down your back, licking his lips already savoring the taste of your sweat, biting them when he sees your ass bouncing and thighs giggling. “I might as well divorce her and marry you instead.”

[2rats1gogh]

I’ve never really seen anyone talking about this, but I noticed that one of the main reasons why I am team green is because team green feels like an actual team that is in this whole thing together.

Team Green feels connected, united, like a family.

Team Black on the other hand is… meh.

And let me explain why:

Rhaenyra being delusional and thinking that Daemon is actually in love with her when he literally just groomed her since she was a child because he has always been after her title and now wants to be her king consort. They have one of the most toxic, creepy and problematic relationships in the entire fucking show.

Then there is the very awkward and uncomfortable moment of Rhaenyra and Daemon having sex on Laena’s funeral, while Rhaenys, Corlys, Baela, Rhaena and Laenor are mourning the loss of their daughter, mother and sister. How fucking disrespectful is this. And then the fact that they have Laenor “killed” just so they can get married and have their own perfectly blonde targaryen babies.

And Rhaenyra lying about Jace, Luke and Joff to everyone in her very own “team”, trying to gaslight not only Corlys, and Rhaenys but also her own sons into thinking they are trueborn, when even Jace himself. as a child, starts asking questions.

Then there are obviously Rhaenys and Corlys, who for some fucking reason neglected their trueborn granddaughters in favor of some dark haired white bastards their daughter-in-law is trying to pass off as their son’s children. Rhaenys is trying sooo hard to please her misogynistic husband because he so desperately wants his name to go down in history. Then the disrespectful betrothal of Jace and Luke to Baela and Rhaena. Rhaenyra is literally robbing these poor girls of their rightful claim to Driftmark and usurping them. And now, with Luke being dead, Rhaena’s claim dies with him.

Baela and Rhaena losing their mother, and now their father suddenly remarries, and has two blonde boys. Rhaenys losing BOTH her children and then seeing her son-in-law and daughter-in-law getting married soon after that.

Everyone in team black is after their own ambitions. They lie to each other, they don’t trust each other, they suspect each other in different things, they cheat on each other (with each other) and lie about it, they give each other forced ultimatums, and yada yada. All their scenes feel forced, tense, awkward and uncomfortable. They look so miserable with each other.

Team Green in this sense is the exact opposite.

Although their dynamic is far from perfect, obviously, you cannot deny that they care about each other very very deeply.

Alicent loves all of her children, and even while acknowledging their flaws, she still loves them.

Aemond might’ve been a little envious of Aegon, but he would never turn his back on him. He would never betray his brother, be would never try to take his crown from him.

Aegon was far from being a perfect man and king, but, as we know, it was his love for his family, and the fear of them getting hurt that made him a more responsible person and a more protective father, husband and brother. Sure, he is a cheater, but at least he’s honest about it and doesn’t lie to his wife. He is not a hypocrite.

Criston is working for Alicent not for ambition or for self-gain, but because he genuinely loves her, whether it’s romantic or platonic, doesn’t matter.

Helaena would never betray her family, her brothers, her mother. They are all she has. She would never switch sides even if given an opportunity.

And even Otto, arguably one of the main villains of the whole show, still loves his family. Sure, he is ambitious, but he would never become Corlys level of ambitious.

Team Green feels like they are fighting against the enemy all together, they have the same goals, they feel united and you can feel their devotion to each other. Especially after blood and cheese, when they become closer than ever. They’re in this together and only if they stick to each other, they can make it. It feels genuine and honest. They don’t hide anything from each other, they always have their loved ones’ best interests at heart, they would never in a million years betray each other. Yes, they are all doomed from the start, but their dedication and love to each other is truly something else.

[lovelylau]

How to get your life together : a guide

1) Make a list of goals you want to achieve, if you don’t you’re going to forget about them. It could be yearly goals, it could be monthly goals or both (even better). Just write them down and put them somewhere you can see them every day. Also don’t forget about the smart rule :

Specific (simple, sensible, significant).

Measurable (meaningful, motivating).

Achievable (agreed, attainable).

Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).

Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).

2) Choose habits which will lead your towards your goals. You want to be a the top of your class ? Start by actually completing your homework, assignments and by paying attention in class. You want strong and healthy hair ? Stop using heat every day and start a hair care routine. Yes, it is that simple trust me.

3) Starts adding those habits to your daily life and be realistic. For exemple, if you want to achieve your dream body start exercising and eating healthy. You want to keep those achievable and enjoyable : if you used to never step away from your couch for too long, you are not going to exercise 5 times a week right away. Start small, start with maybe twice a week and then add more when you feel ready.

4) Stop making excuses. You cannot reach your goals if you find excuses to stay home and do nothing such as « I will start on Monday » or « I am a bit tired today so I’ll just rest ». Don’t, if you really are motivated you will start right now and won’t skip your workout. The less you do, the less you wanna do.

5) Remind yourself why you wanna reach those goals and motivate yourself. You cannot solely rely on motivation, you have to create it yourself. Make vision boards of you dream life and ask yourself why you want to get out of your actual situation. If you already feel miserable and lazy in your every day life it won’t hurt to at least try, right ?

6) Enjoy the steps. That one is the most important. If you feel like completing a workout is torture, you will last a week or two tops. If doing your skin care or a daily walk feels boring, you will stop doing it. Try making those interesting by watching a movie or listening a podcast at the same time, find a workout you’re actually able to enjoy.

7) Finally : enjoy your results. If you’ve kept up the work for months, even weeks you will see them. People will start praising you about your hair, your skin… You will be able to see those changes yourself when you look at your body or at your grades. You will also be more confident because when you decide to put in the work and get results, you will be so proud of yourself I can assure you that.

[anistarrose]

The thing about the Heart Attack segment in Wonderland is that they put so much aromantic subtext in it. They accidentally put SO much aromantic subtext in it, on behalf of multiple characters, and I'm thinking about it constantly. Let me tell you all about it.

Magnus is dropped into a dating game and literally leads with "I cannot stress enough how uninterested I am in this." Now, it's perfectly valid to read this as due to him waiting for Julia, or just him being plain old uncomfortable with having his love life put in the spotlight. However! I cannot stress enough the exchange that happens just a minute or two after that line:

Magnus (describing his ideal date): ... and we don't see each other again, ‘cause I'm really not interested in dating. Audience: [exaggerated] Oooooh! (cheers) Griffin: The silhouette is like, fanning itself. Lydia: Playing hard to get, huh? It seems like our contestant is into that.

And I just have to say: unfortunately, this is one of the most aromantic fucking experiences I've seen represented in fiction in my life. I mean — saying you're not interested in romance, then having those words twisted on you, like they're some secret coded way of saying that you are interested in romance? Not having a single way to express your disinterest that'll actually be believed? That's some aro shit right there. God. Fuck.

As an aside, it's enough to really tell that Heart Attack is not designed to be a reprieve from the pain, even though it's the "good outcome" of Trust or Forsake. It's designed to be uncomfortable. To funnel suffering to Edward and Lydia, just like all the other games do. (More on that later, in fact.) But in summary:

Magnus is a character who can be read as uncomfortable with romance for either aro-spec reasons or unrelated reasons. But in either case, his discomfort attracts reactions that reek of amatonormativity — and therefore, resonate with aromantic experiences. (Psst, I did recently write a gray-aro Magnus fic!)

Two more analyses below the cut (and only one of them is for another Horny Boy):

Obviously the next character I need to talk about is Merle. I've found aroallo readings of his character to be compelling for a long time (having sex with plants so you don't have to worry about romantic commitment, am I right?), but the way he describes his "ideal date" is another factor:

Merle: I volunteer to drive her vehicle, and tell her it's filthy, and so we go through the uh- drive through vehicle wash and she pays for that too. Um, and then I take her to have dinner with my family, and- Magnus: Wait, like your wife and stuff? Merle: She meets my ex-wife.

Merle's probably exaggerating as a joke, continuing on about both him and his partner being miserable, but I think the fact that Merle's mind goes here is genuinely drawing from a lot of poor romantic experiences in the past. He didn't get a choice about being on Heart Attack, and his marriage with Hecuba was similarly "arranged".

It's also worth noting that at this point in time, Merle is putting in the work to be part of Mavis and Mookie's lives again, but is not interested in doing the same for Hecuba — he instead just asks Mavis how Hecuba's doing. That said, given that Magnus is the one to put the focus on Merle's ex-wife, I think it's fair to read the "family" comment as Merle actually expressing that he'd rather spend time with his kids than give any special romantic attention to his date. Moving on to the rest of the "joke":

Merle: She's having a miserable time and she's really mad, she can't wait to get outta there. I take her back to her house, and so I lean up against the door jam and say, 'Sure you don't want me to come in for a few minutes?' and she slams the door in my face.

It's possible Merle just has a more roundabout, self-deprecating way of expressing a similar thing to what Magnus did: Merle just isn't interested in dating. To me, the last line implies he might not say no to sex, if offered — but overall, it reads as if Merle is putting minimal effort in because he's looking for an excuse to get out of this relationship anyway.

It's also possible that Merle's "rejection" of a suitor being so disguised as humor could point to him still coming to terms with his disinterest in dating. Particularly, in comparison to Magnus, who is so vocal and unashamed about it, while Merle might still be figuring this all out.

(Honestly, the self-deprecation Merle turns to here is actually kind of sad, when viewed in that light — he already lets himself be the butt of jokes so often, and now he feels like the way romance doesn't click for him has to be a joke, too? Oof. Someone give him a hug and tell him he's not broken this instant!) But regardless:

Merle views dates, and perhaps romance in general, as things that will inevitably turn disastrous for him and any party involved with him, and he would rather spend time with his children than repairing a relationship with an ex, or cultivating a relationship with a new partner. This is not an experience exclusive to the aro-spec umbrella, but you can't say that an aromantic reading of his character doesn't fit him like a gardening glove...

...which he wears while fucking his plants. Because plants don't demand emotional intimacy, nor take too much time away from the platonic relationships that matter more to him. And you know what? He's fucking valid for that! Fly your flag, nasty grandpa!

But moving on: I promised you aromantic analysis of characters outside of our protagonists, and henceforth, that analysis I will provide. And not just because I admittedly see Taako as the token alloromantic (though clearly an aro ally; if he hadn't chosen Forsake we wouldn't have gotten all this incredible characterization!)

I digress. So let's go on to addressing the lich twins in the room: Edward and Lydia.

Remember my argument earlier that Heart Attack serves the purpose of collecting suffering just like the rest of Wonderland does? How it's just a subtler way of making Wonderland's victims fundamentally uncomfortable?

...Using, of all things, romance?

How the vogue twins, for whatever reason, felt inspired to make people uncomfortable with matchmaking and adoration? How, some way or another, they noticed how much potential romance had to induce suffering? Being pressured into a relationship, being told that no matter how firmly you say you're uninterested, you're not really uninterested?

...Relatedly, I have always gotten the sense that Edward and Lydia projected relentlessly onto their victims.

Edward: This resolve, this desire to do whatever it takes no matter the cost to save yourselves — do you know who you three remind me of? Magnus: No? Merle: Who? Edward: Us!

I'm even going to go a step further and say that on top of projection, they want their victims to go through things they went through. Swallowing the guilt of having fucked someone else over to survive, of course — that's basically self-admitted. But possibly also... the feeling of not being able to get back what you lost (Keats). The feeling of being able to heal (Keats).

So, where does that leave Heart Attack?

Lydia: It was the three of us, surviving against all odds. The world against us.

Their family of three was (is) indescribably important to them. I'm not necessarily saying that societal expectations of romance, especially of romance as a priority above that of family, left a bad taste in their mouths — if not downright contributing to their trauma — but, okay, I wrote the rest of this post and now that I'm back, I can no longer deny it. I'm definitely, absolutely saying that.

At the time of the podcast, we know Edward and Lydia's own relationship is heavily strained. Until the end, they are lying to themselves and to each other about the fact that they continue to be emotionally and magically reliant on each other. After all, Lydia wouldn't say "I guess we really needed each other after all" in her dying moments with such surprise otherwise.

This is the second reason that I... well, I wouldn't quite call it a "theory," but I find it most impactful to read Edward and Lydia as characters for whom the concept of Love has baggage. And always has, from their origins as youth in a tough spot in an already amatonormative world.

Maybe the constant societal devaluing of platonic, familial bonds left them with serious emotional scars. Maybe the constant conflation of Love and morality just weighed on them and weighed on them and weighed on them until they decided: well, we don't love the way people expect us to, so we might as well give up on being the good people they expect us to be. We might as well embrace this new fuel of suffering.

...And you know, I hope this gets across what I mean when I always say I headcanon villains as aromantic to make them more sympathetic.

Edward and Lydia, textually, are already tragic villains. As twins and liches, they're also textually foil characters to several of the Seven Birds. But I also like to think that they have a lot in common with Magnus and Merle, and the possibility that tugs at my heartstrings the most is the possibility of them all falling under the aromantic umbrella.

[nqmonarch]

Thoughts About Being in a Relationship with HSR Characters

So like we all love to fantasize about being in a relationship with fictional characters but would we want to actually be in one? As a huge fan of the Aeons I did a quick overview. Even though getting into a relationship with one is widely unrealistic (actually impossible because they're video game characters but even in game it's unrealistic).

Warning: This is just for fun

Aha

Wow, Aha is such a goofy Aeon sure the chaos they cause is insane but there's never a dull moment with them around. But like imagine being in the HSR universe and being in a relationship with this Aeon. 99% chance of death (because of a prank), that 1% chance is saved if for some reason you can't be killed.

Literally miserable. You know how you try to have like a normal conversation with your dad, or guy friend, or boyfriend but they just don't take shit seriously. Like they avoid the topic 24/7 because of jokes. Imagine trying to have a serious conversation with this guy, actual terrible experience.

In a modern AU would be one of those prank YouTubers that like pretends to kill your friend as a prank but actually does kill your friend, it's not a prank. Why aren't you laughing?

0/10.

Akivili

If still alive 10/10 in the HSR universe, 9/10 in modern AU. I am down to travel all over the cosmos but since I have a normal life here on Earth I am perfectly happy staying in my room, writing, coding, and drawing. But Akivili would def bring back some banger souvenirs and pictures even if you're just a friend of theirs.

If dead then 10/10 in both.

Fuli

Okay serious question do you think they'd taxidermy their lover? Like I know in HSR there's not really that option (their lover could be one of the memokeepers I guess?) but in Modern AU I feel like they'd taxidermy their lover. I don't know if that's a plus or a negative.

Definitely the kind of Aeon to be hung up on their first love so you better hope you're that first love. Or else they'll be reminiscing over memories and old photos and old videos and constantly comparing them to you-- man that sucks. Probably would take you out to nice dinners though and give you lots of good memories.

In Modern AU I feel like the idea of Fuli gets 10 times more mystical and also 10 times creepier, like someone that tries to record all of the events in the world but also the events happening right now. So historian, journalist combo, except I feel like they would just appear out of nowhere and then just go back to the void and post a bunch of random photos online. They'd definitely have observed their lover before talking to them (likely several times) which is the creepy aspect.

7/10 for the memories.

IX

Actual 10/10 you cannot argue otherwise on this. Okay, you definitely can but 10/10 in my book aside from the fact you die but like you'll either be accepting your death and dying or spend the rest of your life trying to prove IX wrong about the purpose of life.

Wouldn't take you on dates, you'd have to take IX on dates, plan the whole thing out, really fluster them, give them the time of their existence. And IX would sit there like the gentleman... gentlewoman? Gentle creature it is. I feel like they would be very polite :)

In Modern AU I'm pretty sure IX is just your average office worker who hates their life and sees no point to it but for some reason can't die. 9/10. IX loses one point for no longer being a blackhole.

Lan

Honestly... another gentle creature, and like respectfully, very respectfully I would love to take them out on a date. Seems respectful, apparently pays close attention to mortals so there's a higher chance of Lan keeping their lover alive if they're (Lan's lover) a mortal. Pretty sure 90% of the Aeons would accidentally kill a mortal lover.

Just seems very obsessed with their goals and honestly I respect the grind. 8/10, your average grinder. That being said Lan is also absolutely beautiful but I'm not a big horse person.

In Modern AU Lan would be someone that's trying to change the world, one of those go getters. Again very respectful, and cool but would probably work 16 hours a day which makes holding a relationship pretty hard. 7/10.

Mythus

I haven't done Gold and Gears or finished Swarm Disaster but damn Mythus is really hot. Smash. Uh 6/10 because I don't know their personality or even what they represent but they are really beautiful. I like the jellyfish.

Nanook

Aw man, the moment I saw this guy I knew they would haunt my thoughts. And yeah they do. So beautiful from the molten lava, golden eyes, white hair, man if only they didn't have the personality of an absolute asshole. Like I write fanfiction about Nanook sometimes (pretty rarely) and I can say I am literally pulling every possible string I can to make this Aeon a good lover and somewhat in character.

This is just because I like writing lovers that are semi-decent, it's pretty hard when you get to people like Nanook but I do my best. There's no way a relationship with Nanook would work out feasibly because there's no way they'd love you.

But if they did... I don't know, Nanook is still a pretty bad person for trying to kill everything else in the world so I'm gonna have to dock some points for that. Reminds me of the brooding quiet, only soft spot is for you, male lead troupe except Nanook is trying to murder everyone 24/7.

In Modern AU, I don't even know what Nanook would be? An assassin? A serial killer? I can kind of see like a revolution leader cause apparently they were born from the flames of a world in complete destruction and they saw everything as ugly and destruction as the only possible outcome. I can see a twist with Nanook leading a revolution in hopes of creating a more beautiful world but finding destruction as the only possible outcome that will remove the plague known as life.

Even if they loved you, they'd be very busy with their revolution plans, and I feel like you'd probably be caged away somewhere far away from the danger so you'd barely see Nanook if they wanted to keep you alive.

2/10, 2 points for being so FUCKING beautiful. Thanks Hoyoverse for making a character so attractive.

Qlipoth

Okay Qlipoth would be like big puppy partner, you get me. Like golden retriever vibes or uh... that one person that watches over everything to make sure you're safe but not like in the stalker way. Like the government, y'know? Except the government now wants to make sure you're safe! :D

I am a bit thrown off by the fact Qlipoth is a rock but I'm even more thrown back by the IPC. Like they're really fucking annoying (not as individuals I love Topaz and Aventurine) they're like Qlipoth's lil fanclub. They'd also be Qlipoth's fanclub in Modern AU, I'd imagine and I will imagine.

Also they're a bit sus, like I know they're great, but they want to build a wall. What's the wall for, huh?

Anyway as a partner sure they're a rock, and have an annoying fanclub but they'd probably be really caring and would be able to destroy anything that threatens you. I'd imagine it's about the same in Modern AU but destroy anything with money.

Nothing is stronger than money, actually a nuke is but we're going to assume none of the Modern AU versions of the characters would have access to that or make their own because that would change the game.

I'd say 7/10 in both HSR and Modern AU, I don't know they're just kinda sus...

Tayzzyronth

I'm about half way through the swarm disaster and question time--

If insect, why hot? Like I hate bugs, mainly flying ones, but like why is Tayzzyronth half insect half human 100% beautiful? Anyway from what I know they basically became an Aeon because they were lonely and like the last one of their species and honestly, they deserve a hug for that.

Still absolutely terrifying and if you were in a relationship with them you'd probably be smothered with the Swarm which is beyond terrifying. Would be significantly better in Modern AU where they wouldn't have insects around them all the time. 4/10 in HSR and 7/10 in Modern AU.

Xipe

Don't know them but they're so beautiful and with a path like the Harmony they've got to be good, right? Right?

9/10.

Yaoshi

I think Yaoshi is the Aeon I most actively thirst for, like they're so beautiful, and they pull off deranged love so well. They would keep their lover alive until their lover goes insane because of mara. And they're super kind, and empathetic. The threat of becoming mara struck is one I would take just to be in their presence. 10/10.

In Modern AU! they'd be so beautiful, still, like one of those fragile looking beauties that would just approach you randomly and then ask, "Are you in pain?" And it'd be really creepy but because it's Yaoshi it'd be okay and you'd fall in love like instantly. Don't answer yes to the question though. I feel like they'd have mad scientist vibes, probably would do unethical experiments which doesn't really sit right with me. Again, would try to keep their lover alive no matter what but they'd be really nice. 9.5/10.

Alright so I did this in 30 minutes instead of working on my presentation which is due tomorrow and I haven't finished research for.

Again this was just for fun, all of the Aeons have super great designs and are super cool imo :) props to Hoyoverse for this

[ofmdee]

😵

been having some thinky thoughts today, and for a while, rly, abt my Feelings abt breathing underwater and i tried to type something up on twitter but that jsut was not letting me think my thoughts correctly

i love BU........... so goddamn much. it started out as nothing more than a silly idea abt little mermaid ed meeting stede and kind of ballooned into what ive built it up into today. it's so important to me... but it's making me a little miserable right now?

miserable because i dont want to work on it, but i WANT TO want to work on it, i want to tell this story and read the finished product, ive got so many ideas, but i just. cannot get myself to do the actual WORK of making sentences and then staging all the pics........... what used to be a fun little pastime now feels like a chore, an obligation, a compulsion almost. it sucks, but it sucks more NOT doing it, you know what i mean? idk.

i know ive built it up into this big THING to myself, like... idk, i do this so often, i have big ideas and love to plan and organize them and then i get going with such intensity until i abruptly fizzle out. i start things and dont finish them, and i guess i just rly dont want this to be another thing that gets thrown on my unfinished projects pile :/

i have the next 2 parts drafted, but every time i go back to poke at them and edit them i just get so disheartened because it's obvious that my heart wasn't really in writing them, and it's difficult to salvage a rough draft like that. part of me wants to just delete those parts entirely and say fuck it im taking an indefinite hiatus, and i will start fresh when this is fun again! which would probably be the best thing, actually, but... i am reluctant to do that, because i just dont have anything else to rly fill my time rn.

i havent been getting a lot of joy out of... anything, rly, for a long time now, im so bored and apathetic and even my normal go to things arent cutting it anymore. and idk if it's a depression thing or if im truly outgrowing some interests, but either way i know i need to get more Things in my life somehow, because writing and sims are my two biggest pastimes, and then i combined them, and then i got sick of both so ive got so little to go on! so i keep poking at the things that i used to love, hoping to find that spark again 😪 i love these little guys and their little world!!! and it makes me sad that im not actually having Fun with the PROCESS.

it doesn't help that i am constantly torn between man i wish more ppl read my fic!!! i work so hard on it!! and man i never want anyone to perceive me or my writing ever it's so amateur!! idk what i want and idk what i want to DO about it!!

so, idk!! idk where this is all going, lol, i just... wanted to try and organize these thoughts somehow.

trying to reason w myself that at the end of the day, i am writing a fanfiction. that's it. it's not that big of a deal, and yet it feels huge to me, somehow. I don't wanna let down the ppl who are reading it, and i dont wanna let myself down again, either.

BUT it's not supposed to make me feel miserable it is supposed to be fun i am lowkey crying rn because like urghghghgh why isnt it fun?!!?!

so. i think i gotta do some more thinking, because not making any kind of decision is making things worse! and idk, if all of this hasnt put u off of the idea of my fic, here is the series page lmfao i could use some encouragement i guess......

but i am going to seriously put more thought into an official hiatus, because i think i am getting Too preoccupied with it again and it's messing with me!!!

i actually had a decent time doing those kitty ed pics today, even tho they didn't do so hot, so maybe i am just gonna try to focus on that kind of thing, doing stuff that actually catches my attention, and also doing things without the intention of sharing them at all. allowing things to be messy. i get so caught up in the thought of someone else seeing my work that i paralyze myself trying to make it PERFECT.

i had a decent time doing that oneshot from ed's pov as well. so maybe i need to work on projects that are a bit smaller scale. i dont have to say goodbye to BU stuff forever, but i am just so ALL OR NOTHING that it feels like a way bigger decision than it actually is 😓

so i guess....... im gonna sleep on it for a while. think about it and try and come to a firm decision. because if i take a break, i need to REALLY take a break, which includes not thinking about it all the time and constantly beating myself up for not doing it 😅

idk, thank you if you read this far, here are a few kitty pics of ed for ur time:

[soireegurl]

Chapter 5

PSH x reader (feat. YJW)

Synopsis:

Your childhood friend who went through traumas and hardships finally evolved and grew into a successful and powerful man... However, something about him seems to be different...

Summary for chapter:

Jungwon went to find Sungmin for a little "talk" about you... But... Things doesn't seem to go his way.

No Copyrights @soireegurl

Note🖇️: This story contains Yandere themes, Mafia themes. Mention of killing, blood, violence, vulgar languages.

*Ring Ring!*

Sungmin's office phone rang.

He picked and and waited for the other side to speak.

"Mr Park, there's someone who wants to see you. He say his name is Yang Jungwon and he wants to talk to you about Miss Kim Y/n."

The counter assistant said.

"Let him in."

Sungmin said and hung up the phone.

A few minutes later...

*Knock knock knock*

The door of Sungmin's office was knocked.

The next second, the door opened and Jungwon appeared infront of the office door.

"Please come in, Mr Yang."

Sungmin said as he put down his pen and stood up.

He walked over to the sofa and signalled Jungwon to take a seat.

"Go straight to the point Mr Yang... What brings you here?"

"Since you said so, I'll go straight to the point."

"I want you to never show up Infront of Y/n anymore... "

Jungwon said with determination in his tone.

"Oh? And why should I listen to you?"

Sungmin said with a smug look on his face.

"You are making her life miserable... Eversince you came, you have been causing pain and harm to her."

"It's not my intention to do so... I mean to be honest... She is the one causing herself trouble.... If she doesn't keep insisting that I am her childhood friend, nothing would have happened."

Sungmin said with a nonchalant tone.

"But if you didn't appear at all, this wouldn't had happened..."

"So? What's your point?"

"I want you to leave korea. Go somewhere where Y/n cannot ever see you again."

Sungmin laughed at Jungwon's words.

"Mr Yang... You are quite insecure aren't you?"

"What?"

"The reason why you want me to leave is not because I was making Y/n's live miserable... It's because you are scared that if I'm really Park Sunghoon, then Y/n will leave you and come back to me right?"

Sungmin said with much confidence, and after seeing the change in Jungwon's expression, Sungmin's smile became wider.

"I'm right, right?"

"That's not important... What's important is that you leave korea as soon as possible..."

Sungmin didn't reply...

He took the coffee pot and poured himself some coffee.

He's actions were making Jungwon impatient.

"You are leaving... Right?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Mr yang... But... I'm am not leaving... "

Sungmin's words set a bomb to Jungwon's heart.

"Why?"

"There's no why... I just don't want to."

"But you have to."

"Says who?"

Sungmin was being cocky and that irritated Jungwon to the max.

Jungwon stood up and grabbed Sungmin by his collar.

"Stop testing my patience Park Sungmin."

"Ayo... Chill... Why so aggressive?"

Sungmin's tone was sarcastic and he had a smirk on his face, looking as unbothered as possible.

"Park Sungmin... "

Jungwon growled.

"Ss... You are already so worked up when I'm not Park Sunghoon... What if one day, Y/n really proved that I'm Park Sunghoon... Aren't you gonna go crazy?"

"That's why you have to leave so nothing like this will happen."

Sungmin scoffed and said.

"No. I am not leaving. And I would actually like to see your reaction when Y/n actually finds out that I'm Park Sunghoon though..."

Sungmin smirked and stared into Jungwon's eyes...

"What do you mean?"

Jungwon let go of Sungmin and stared at him in shock.

"I mean what I said... If you have nothing else, you can leave now."

Sungmin said as he walked back to his seat.

But he was stopped by Jungwon.

"Clarify what you just said."

"Fine... Since you want to hear it... I'll say it again, just for you..."

"Listen up... I am Park Sunghoon... The one Y/n is looking for..."

After Sungmin said that, Jungwon took a few steps back in shock. He never thought Sungmin is Sunghoon... Even if he did, he never thought that Sunghoon will admit.

"Please leave now, Mr Yang... I'm a busy man. "

Sunghoon said and signal Jungwon to leave.

Jungwon walked out of the office in shock, panic and many thoughts.

"He is Park Sunghoon..."

"What should I do now?"

"But why does he only admit now?"

"Why doesn't he want to admit to Y/n?"

"What is his motive?"

Jungwon's mind is so messed up now.

He is getting afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid that after you found out that Sungmin is Sunghoon, you will leave him.

He can't loose you... He will die without you... But... What can he do?

Sunghoon knows about his identity, meaning that Sunghoon definitely is as powerful or as powerful as him....

Sunghoon is not an easy opponent...

He has to think far and think well.

He needs just a perfect plan to make you hate Sunghoon...

But how?

Note:

from now on, I will refer Sunghoon as Sunghoon since he already admitted his is Sunghoon.

Previously, I referred Sunghoon as Sungmin because he hasn't admitted that he is Sunghoon.

So if y'all are confused, Sunghoon is Sungmin.

Chapter 4 | chapter 5 | chapter 6

Love is pain Masterlist

Taglist:@heeseung-min @whateverhoon @nenesz

[loudmound]

jingling miserably across the floor to bring you yet another goddamn post about james sunderland (and the broader themes of sh2 in general)

part one: silent hill is the world's worst exposure therapist and that's honestly it

for starters, i think it's best to get out of the way the notion that the town itself is actively punishing its inhabitants is... silly. it's just silly. when you operate by the logic that silent hill is punishing james for what he did to mary, that logic quickly becomes concerning when we take angela and eddie into account.

does angela deserve to be tormented by a manifestation of the sexual abuse she endured from her father? does eddie deserve to be tormented by manifestations of the emotional and verbal abuse he faced from his bullies? if you have any modicum of compassion, you'd say no.

but we cannot then say with a handwave that "oh well angela and eddie don't deserve it, but james does! because james did something bad!" and like... yes, i do agree that there is a sort of sliding scale of moral justification and negligibility given each of these characters' acts of violence, but all of these people did such to escape their circumstances. and, most importantly, angela, eddie, and james all feel like they deserve to be punished in some way, shape, or form.

angela's been so horrifically abused that she's resigned to the notion that she deserved what happened to her. eddie's been so horrifically abused that he's resigned to the notion that he is just a fat piece of shit. and, with james, while having a tangible distance from any kind of abuse, feels he deserves to be punished for killing mary; something that he'd unwittingly repressed to even keep himself upright. he drove to silent hill to kill himself—to be with mary in death in the last place they were happy together.

and that right there is exactly what silent hill is doing; silent hill is a functionally amoral entity, i'd argue. it does not care whether its inhabitants live or die, it does not care about punishment or exoneration, it is merely drawing from their psyches and projecting manifestations as a means of confrontation, and seeks to see what that person chooses to do in the face of the darkest and ugliest parts of themselves, traumas and all. will you succumb or will you overcome? that's the only question it cares to ask.

part two: stop pretending james is a violently misogynistic sex pest

now, this part is gonna come off as biased, because i am a james fan. i like him a lot. but i'm also not going to pretend that he's not a divisive character or that he did nothing wrong. he most certainly did. that's not the point and i don't want to come off as defending his murder of mary, nor am i trying to convince people to like him. he's a fictional guy, like and hate whomever. i don't care.

what i do care about is analysis, and some people insinuating that james killed mary for the sole, superficial, and juvenile reason that she wouldn't fuck him anymore? it truly baffles me beyond words.

i've seen this take enough times for it to be concerning; the notion of james' deed solely surrounded being denied sex and lashing out with murder because of it. if that sincerely were the case, james would be a very different man and sh2 would be a very different, markedly worse game, because how fucking one-dimensional is that? seriously, think about it for longer than 3 seconds and let it sink in how much worse that would be for sh2's story and overall message.

contrary to this belief: james loved mary! james loves mary! that's kind of the whole point, really! i'm not denying that there isn't a sexual component to the whole ordeal, there most certainly is. maria is the apex of that, as are a good handful of the monsters like the mannequins and the bubblehead nurses. hell, i'm not going to deny that there aren't shades of misogyny within these monsters' looks, either!

but these monsters aren't made for james' wanton, sexual consumption; they're a means of confrontation. they're terrifying and warped. there's a certain shame about them, too, in so far as they're manifested from a man who seems guilty about even existing as a person at all. that he even has sexual thoughts to begin with when his wife lay sick and dying in her hospital bed.

james doesn't seem particularly enthusiastic about much of anything, least of all sex. him never even alluding to such or even saying the word out loud speaks volumes to me at just the magnitude of shame he feels surrounding such a concept, when everything around him is so loudly saying that it's a part of him he's terrified to look in the face. (think of the pin-up he sees in the hospital where he mutters to himself in his head "...this is no time to be looking at a stupid poster.")

your libido doesn't screech to a halt when your significant other is terminally ill, and finding other people attractive when you're in a relationship with someone else is pretty normal, so long as those feelings don't breach the bond you have with said partner. if james fantasized about fucking the hospital nurses or whatever, so what? that's within the realm of fantasy, and i'm sure he's cognizant of such. that doesn't make him an "incel", that doesn't make him unfaithful, it makes him a regular person with a sexuality, and he feels shame for such because his partner—the one that he truly wants—is sick, dying, and sexually unavailable because of the latter facts. the audacity to think of sex at a time like this? how dare he? how disgusting of him!

(sidenote: i really don't like the conflation of the term "incel" with "misogynist". yes, incel culture at large is misogynistic, but literally anybody can be a misogynist and incels are largely self-identified. misogyny is systemic, and incels are a symptom of that. also, james has a partner and is certainly implied to have had sex before. by definition, he is not an incel. a strange, miserable man, yes, but not an incel.)

part three: james did it for so many reasons and sex wasn't one of them

james killed mary because he couldn't watch her suffer any longer. james killed mary because he wanted his life back—to be free of such a burden on his shoulders. james killed mary to be with her in death not long after, because without her, he's got nothing. together, beyond the grave, they could be happy once more.

while james is not a reliable narrator, it's impossible to me that the reason he did it was purely because he couldn't have sex with mary anymore. it's reductive and insulting to insinuate that sh2, a game about death, about grief, about guilt and loss and trauma, as well as love and sex, would have its main protagonist be a flat as a fucking board when it came to the reason he did it.

hell, i'd argue that his reasoning is more complicated than angela's and eddie's reasonings for their respective deeds because they're fucking rock solid reasonings. it's easier to empathize with an sa survivor killing their abusers and a victim of bullying finally snapping and attempting to kill their respective abusers than a man who finally got so sick of it all and killed his wife before the disease eating her from the inside out could kill her instead. there is an obvious callousness in james' deed that repels such a level of compassion, and that's perfectly reasonable. which is why it's so goddamn complicated!

it's already such a terrible thing to do to somebody else, imbued with so many reasons, both selfish and selfless, both loving and resentful, and to just write it off as "oh well james did it because he was mad he couldn't get his dick sucked anymore and silent hill was so bad for him because the town thought he deserved it <3"... see me after class.

anyways, thank you for reading. i'm gonna go the fuck to bed now.

[kisskissbanggang]

Chan, words cannot even begin to describe how sorry I am for what I did to you. You had been acting so distant during your family’s annual trip. I was miserable and drunk, and your father was the only one there for me. One thing led to another… It should have never been like this. I know having you forget about our affair is impossible, but could you find it in your heart to forgive me? I haven’t been sleeping since we ended. I keep seeing your face the night you found out every time I close my eyes.

[Hello please know this had me fanning myself 💕 Trust Fund Baby!Chan x Fem Reader, Car Sex, Rough Sex, Dom/Sub Undertones, Explicit Consent]

The most sickening sensation of satisfaction washed over Chan when he finished reading your letter. He set the note on his nightstand before he pulled out his phone. Surely, this meant you were ready to talk, right? At least, that'd been what you assumed he'd been thinking. It was the only reason you were so willing to go see him.

Lunch would be low-pressure, you thought, but you still meticulously picked and preened over yourself until you were ready to finally face him. He had to see you as perfect, just like always. Chan certainly was, with the way he looked so cool and collected in your usual booth at your favorite cafe. The date was far quieter than your liking, but this wasn't really a date to begin with. That quiet was the only reason you'd agreed when he offered to give you a ride home.

It wasn't that Chan spun you around and herded you against his car that surprised you. The fact that it was the middle of the day and you could clearly see people in the small parking lot -- that was the part that surprised you. Your favorite cafe was on the riverfront, with all the little business clumped up into a little center of commerce and a short walk away from the park setting of the parking lot, located centrally from the walking trails, the riverfront boardwalk, and everything else. This was normally a sweet, idyllic little piece of gentrification.

And now Chan was roughly pushing his hands under your coat where he had you pinned against his car.

"Chan!" you harshly whispered. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"Do you not like it?" Chan smirked. "You'd offered to get your own ride. You still can; it won't hurt my feelings. Not more than you already did."

You bit into your lip. You did miss this. You did want this. The way Chan always knew how to treat you had kept you longing since you'd thrown everything away.

When you grabbed onto Chan's shirt to bring him closer, he'd grinned like nothing had ever gone wrong. As if you'd never messed everything up. He had his hands under the skirt of your dress in the parking lot, your coat covering the fact that he was openly groping your ass while he kissed your throat.

"Tell me the rules," he urged in your ear.

You gasped, curling your fingers into his hair when you felt his teeth on your skin. "Just the hard limits, okay?"

Chan's smile was pressed against your neck. "Atta girl. Now choose inside or out."

You quickly scanned the small parking lot and gulped down your beating heart. "Inside."

"That's what I thought," Chan warmly chuckled, his volume more level now and contrasting wildly with how he casually opened the backseat and pushed you in.

You yelped, but barely had a chance to react further when Chan rolled you over onto your back and climbed in between your legs. Your panties were already soaked when his fingers roughly pulled them aside.

"Is this okay, still?" Chan asked. His eyes searched you while he waited, refusing to do anything more until you nodded. However he wanted to work this out, you wanted it. And you missed this. "Good," he decidedly nodded, and suddenly his fingers were in you, stretching you out and filling you up. You clutched onto him, whimpering as quietly as you could.

"Don't get me wrong," Chan continued, "it wasn't that you fucked him. You know he and I don't talk and you couldn't even consent properly when you get messy drunk the way you do."

"Chan," you shook your head, "I--"

"Shush," he admonished you immediately. His thumb moved from where he was cupping your cheek to shove the digit into your parted mouth. Between your legs, his long fingers still pumped into you. "The thing I don't get is why we couldn't work things out like adults in the first place."

He removed his thumb from your lips, just long enough to let you speak.

"Chan," you repeated, "you wouldn't talk to me, I was so alone. I didn't even know if you loved me anymore--"

"And you're done," Chan decided, hooking a couple fingers into your mouth this time. Where your hips met, he'd withdrawn his fingertips from you and was trying to get his belt one-handed. "I tried opening us up for a conversation before that trip. You were on the trip with me! I didn't have to bring you!"

His eyes were aflame when you spat his fingers out. "Opening us up for a conversation?! When?! When you came into the living room and just sat by me for a couple minutes?! You already hadn't been speaking to me for days!"

"So you decided to spend half the trip the next week getting sloppy drunk? Great logic," Chan ridiculed. He knew he was exaggerating. You knew how hurt he was. Below your waist, Chan was excruciatingly teasing the head of his hot length up against you. You tried to grind down onto him, but he was always able to pull away. "Look," he continued. "Just tell me one thing."

"What?" you desperately asked.

"Do you remember anything about fucking him? About fucking my father?"

"Chan, you know--"

"Nope," he flashed the most forebodingly devilish grin. "You like to fuck dads? You're calling me daddy."

The way he was almost chuckling to himself made it look like he was joking, but you knew he wasn't. He was teasingly dipping the slick tip of his cock in and out of you. This was just fun for him.

So you decided you'd have fun. If this was him working it out, then fine. It wasn't ideal, but it did feel good.

He let out a shocked groan when you wrapped your legs around his waist, pulling him in so he'd slide into your hot pussy.

"No, daddy," you shook your head, "I don't remember."

"Were you better behaved for him than you are for me?" he asked, almost a growl as he began to roll his hips into yours.

"No-- I don't know," you gasped.

Chan replied with a rougher thrust, getting a measly whimper out of you. "Which is it? No or you don't know?"

"I don't know!" you decidedly repeated.

You only received a nod in response, Chan simply savoring you while he fucked you for a moment. "I bet you were good for him," he finally laughed under his breath. "That's what he told me, at least. Said you were a good little slut."

The name made you buck and thrash back against him in retaliation, but Chan manhandled you back into compliance, his hand gripping your wrist and the other tangled into your hair.

"Well then," Chan condescended. "I think that answers my next question. I was wondering how that made you feel, being a slut for my father."

"I hate it," you whined. Your response was automatic. "I hate it so much."

"Tell me why," ordered Chan, his hips firm and unrelenting in their pace as he thrust against you. The beginnings of an orgasm were stirring in your gut.

"Because I don't want him, I didn't want it at all," you answered. Chan almost had the decency to look upset for a second. You hooked your ankles together to make him grind into your depths. "All I remember is I asked him where you were. I was so sad, Chan."

"So was I, baby," he reassured you. "Then you don't want him?"

"No! Of course not. I only want you."

Chan's thrusts paused, for a moment before he resumed at a more fluid rhythm. "Tell me again."

"I only want you," you repeated, again and again. You only stopped when Chan removed his hand from your hair to hold your chin.

"You always did know how to make it better," he smirked, and he kissed you like nothing had ever happened. Just like you were only making love.

Chan angled his hips a little better in the backseat of his car so he could thrust more directly into your spot. His hands clenched your hips now, all while he continued to kiss you, and the moment you snapped and rode out your release, his hummed growl was made of satisfaction. "Atta girl," he gritted out again. "Now it's my turn, give it to me," he urged.

You met his thrusts with renewed energy despite your exhaustion, almost riding him from underneath him by the time he clutched onto you and came with a muffled shout, having dug his lips into your shoulder just as he reached his peak.

An undeniable awkwardness settled in Chan's car before he finally sat up. He pulled his coat back into place and smoothed his shirt back out. Meanwhile, you sat up to readjust your dress. You gingerly fixed your panties back into place. Chan gently herded you closer so he could get a secure arm around you. His fingers brushed the loose tangles he'd made out of your hair.

"I want you to come back to the house," he decided. "Is that what you want?"

You snapped out of your daze. "Of course--"

"But there will be expectations. Of both of us, obviously."

"I'm not drinking anymore," you assured him up front.

Chan paused before he let up a relieved, small smile. "I'm glad. I thought so when you stuck to coffee during lunch, so I did too."

"What was I doing ordering cocktails at a cafe anyway?" you sadly chuckled.

"Hey, I was buying them for you," Chan lightly ribbed. He fell quiet for a second. "I'm seeing a therapist, by the way. Don't think I don't also know that not saying anything is terrible communication."

"I'm glad to hear that," you nodded. "What do you think about couples therapy?"

He sighed. "I would've asked if you didn't."

"... And your father?"

You were both quiet. Your eyes were fixed on your knees. Chan softly took one of your hands in your lap. "My father's out. I told him I can't have someone like him around, not someone who can take advantage of you or anyone the way he did."

This was satisfactory, but there was still more. "And... you'll tell me what made you not talk to me in the first place?"

Chan shook his head with an embarrassed chuckle. "I thought I saw you and Hyunjin--"

"Me and Hyunjin?! We--"

"I know," interrupted Chan. "I misunderstood and jumped to conclusions. He told me, but only after I left the ski trip early."

"Okay," you nodded. He nodded in return.

"There's only one more thing," Chan added.

You steeled yourself.

"Never, ever call me daddy again."

A massive exhale deflated the tension between you both. This laugh was needed. Things were -- for all intents and purposes -- still bad, but at least now there was a hint of something better.

[kafus]

i wish fellow women and lesbians did not weaponize their sexual trauma with men to be nasty to men who have never done them wrong or men as a whole. and i say this as someone who is very sexually traumatized and has had an irrational fear of men as a result in the past, something i still struggle with on occasion to some extent though not nearly as much (and of course i handle it like a rational adult)

what gets me about it is it doesn’t help anyone. obviously it harms men, which is bad and sucks and i can’t help but think how miserable it would be if i held those sorts of beliefs against all of my friends who are men right now, who are great people and add so much to my life. and of course this sort of sentiment leads to TER//Fs existing which severely hurts trans people too in so many ways. but it also hurts the woman saying those things about men

i cannot imagine being stuck in a cycle forever of thinking an entire half of the population is always out to get me, seeing every man around me as an abuser or a potential abuser. i cannot imagine making my sexual trauma more wide in scope than it already is. i cannot imagine dedicating even more energy to not just being traumatized, but being angry and bitter and fighting with people about it, putting others down. i can’t imagine telling people they’re just like the awful people who hurt me because they were born with a similar body type. i can’t fathom where i would be if i had not learned that in the end, my abusers chose to harm me because they were abusive, and not because they were born a certain way. i can’t fathom what my life would be like if i didn’t have all the male friends i do right now.

idk. ramble-y 3 am post i guess. i woke up in the middle of the night from some weird dreams and my stomach hurts and i can’t fall back asleep and have this stuff on the mind for some reason. i do agree that the patriarchy contributes to abuse against women. but that’s not every individual man’s fault. and i can criticize the system without criticizing people for being born a certain way into that system. and i wish more people could do the same.

frankly i’ve met so few lesbians that are reasonable about this topic that sometimes i feel ashamed to call myself one and i worry people will assume that i feel poorly towards men because of it. but that’s bad luck and lack of exposure i guess. and my really bad internalized lesbophobia that only rears its head over specific aspects of lesbianism but it really sucks when it does anyway

[freyadragonlord]

As it seems clear that we’re going to have to wait several months before we get new content in the manga, I am going to cope with some more speculations, so here are the

Reasons why I believe that Sigma is going to be alright:

For start, Sigma is not dead yet. He absorbed too much information from Dostoyevsky and his brain wasn’t able to handle it all, causing him to pass out/go into a coma [we see this happening briefly to Atsushi after he exchanged information with Sigma in the Sky Casino Arc]. Fyodor seemed sure that Sigma will never be able to recover from it and wake up, but if Season 5’s finale made anything clear is that Fyodor underestimates people, and while he may have hyped Sigma up as “exceptional because normal” at first, he had already decided to eliminate him because he wasn’t useful to him anymore, and doesn’t think highly of him at all. But I believe that Sigma’s determination and strenght is truly exceptional, and characters in this manga have survived waaaay more unsurvivable injuries before. Which brings me to the next point,

Asagiri doesn’t like to kill characters in the main manga (that’s saved for the light novels), and it took him more than 110 chapters to kill the first recurrent character(s) [Fyodor and Fukuchi, tho we’re not really sure about Fukuchi are we. He apparently came back as a fairy samurai with horns and lasers]. I really don’t think Asagiri would kill another character in the same arc, especially since Sigma’s death would serve literally no purpose in the narrative, and he’s not close enough to anyone else that his death could be motivational for a life-change or revenge. Other series can have “shock-value deaths” were the point is that life is unfair and the bad guys win sometimes, but that has never really been Bungou Stray Dogs’ MO. Again, that is saved for the light novels.

Sigma is the only person who knows all of Fyodor’s secrets, and if he dies those secrets are lost forever. Now of course there is a slim chance that Fyodor also is miraculously still alive, but personally I don’t think so, his arc felt complete, he accomplished some of his goals [in aiding Fukuchi], failed miserably some of the others [killing Dazai], and he truly was defeated by his own presumption and need for absolute control. And even if he were alive, he wouldn’t ever reveal all his plans, his secrets, his past. That is why we need Sigma alive to warn the ADA and give us the Fyodor-lore we are missing.

Unlike Fyodor’s, Sigma’s arc doesn’t feel complete at all. We don’t know why he was created or by who, and he clearly struggles with his identity and with the desire for a place to just belong. He also risked his life in order to repay Dazai and help the ADA, and for him to die after failing to do so [cause again, if he dies now he cannot share that information] would be completely pointless and cruel.

Related to my last point, there is another character in BSD who had to overcome his struggles with his humanity [or lack thereof], with not knowing why he was created and how, and with the desire to belong and find a family that looks after him just as much as he looks after them: Chuuya. This is only my theory, but honestly Chuuya would be the perfect person to help Sigma with this in the following story arc, he’s already there at the same location as him right now, and it would also be an excellent excuse to animate Stormbringer before they make Season Six.

Dazai promised Sigma he will get him out of there alive. Can Dazai make mistakes? Sure he can! But not that many let’s be real. At the very least he is not going to leave the prison without Sigma, unconscious or not, and that will give Sigma a chance to recover in the time it takes them all to go back to Japan.

Sigma shared a moment with Atsushi in the Sky Casino arc and it would honestly be really fitting and sweet for them to meet again. Just saying. It would be cute.

I think we are about to enter a story arc where the Reality Altering Book is even more relevant. Like, it was very relevant already, but I think the Book is responsible for whatever madness was happening at the end of Season 5? Like Fukuchi’s appearance and powers, and Akutagawa’s High Fantasy-looking clothes, it really looked like someone heavily altered reality again… A person created by the Book would be really fitting and possibly useful right now!

And last but not least, I really love Sigma and I don’t want him to be dead, and I think that’s an extremely compelling reason. It’s the most valid reason.

[scoutpologist]

you asked for religious hcs. personally I am average and sane about catholic quackity and jewish wilbur. yet another reason they are So Fucked Up i think.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD OH MY GOD

cquackity is so catholic like he's so so so catholic he's catholicism core embodied. he gives the vibes of a character who doesn't actually like catholicism and would have never chosen it of his own volition but it's what he was raised with and it sort of ingrained itself in his psyche in some weird way and now he's just. inherently catholic about some things and has a complex about being happy lol. i don't think he practices much besides some traditions that he just can't let go of.

and i am NOT normal about jewish cwilbur oh my god it's one of my favorite headcanons but i'm shy about it bc it's so personal to me ksjdhgksjdf. did you know that he died two days before rosh hashanah 2020 did you know that. something about that drives me insane like he didn't stay to see the sunrise of the new year. he didn't STAY. if only he had stayed. he closed the year out terrified and alone and miserable. was that his way of atoning for the wrongdoings of the year? was that his fucked up way of making teshuvah??? with his death was he begging people to leave him in the past?

and there's a lesson there for cwilbur at least about what teshuvah and forgiveness and repentance actually ARE and it's not about hurting yourself. it's about making the world better, it's about being a better person, it's not about guilt but about moving forward and how you can move forward.

when he was revived it was right before lag b'omer might i fucking ADD. he was alive to see a day, albeit a minor holiday, so built around victory and celebration and FIRE. his fire was reignited. he was alive to see hope in the middle of a period of mourning. I'M GOING CRAZY.

i just cannot stop thinking about jewish cwilbur it drives me crazy he's so. he's SO. i love him so much i never want to shut up about him in my entire life he's everything to me

(also this goes really well with my ctommy catholic headcanon as well because they very obviously care for and love each other but there's very much a Disparity between them and the way they view the world that would be really interesting to explore on a religious level)

(also this would either make wilbur's mom (and/or dad in some communities) jewish or mean he converted. and i love both of those. i'm partial to conversion headcanon tbh particularly <3)

(if no one stops me i will make them all jewish do not test me)

[stoportotouch]

thinking about The Difference Between Le Vesconte, Hodgson, And Little (but not irving, because i genuinely cannot get a read on his emotional state. or rather i can but there's a lot of other stuff going on for him that kind of overshadows all of this.) because Reasons.

and really i think little is basically massively, almost painfully, hyperempathetic. which is often the crux of the problem because my god everybody around him is miserable and he not only mirrors that back very strongly but he gets really upset himself. and the worst we see it from him is when goodsir ends up having to autopsy irving, which... i am the complete opposite of this. but i still genuinely found that scene hard to watch because matthew mcnulty REALLY does it well.

hodgson i think has a lot of affective empathy but basically no ability to look at another person and go "they are in This Mood." so he spends a lot of time feeling absolutely shitty and completely unspooled but not really knowing why. which often makes him come across as kind of a dick without his meaning to. also he very often ends up just feeling baselessly sniffly and sad without any reason that he can put a name to.

and i will preface what i am saying about le vesconte by saying that this is also my experience with empathy. (i am autistic, as is probably made clear by my ability to do all this and seemingly not get tired of myself. i also have basically none of either of the Empathies)... but he doesn't really have either.

aaaaand in fairness with the expedition if he guesses "sad and damp" he has a fair chance of being right about what somebody else is feeling. but at the same time he's approximately at the level of "looking through a dictionary to discover that the emotion somebody else is feeling is called 'sadness'".

which doesn't mean that he's deliberately going to be a dick and in certain circumstances it's advantageous. he's basically the only person who is holding fitzjames together after sir john dies. since, you know, fitzjames is in no state to function and little is probably not meaning to make it worse but he still isn't helping. (because he's essentially mirroring back "EVERYTHING SUCKS NOW" to fitzjames, which doesn't help.)

and irving... is scared of his own emotions. idk.

[leaderintitleonly]

Alright so I saw Wish a while ago and here's some controversial takes.

I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. Hell. 8/10. I enjoyed it that much. Here's my thoughts. Under spoilers because you will get mad, especially if you define yourself by 90s and current Disney movies.

Unless you know me really well. Then you saw this coming. And I already told you.

May there be no more twist villains or WOE IS ME! I AM GOOD INSIDE HONEST! Rebecca Sugar effect villains.

Evil is lime baby!

Happy divorce! GIRL YOU DESERVE IT! When was the last time we had a nice divorce like this? Parent Trap was a sad, miserable divorce. But when did we show that divorce was a GOOD thing in some cases? Only respect for my queen.

We been knew Sleepy was a snitch.

Disability rep at long last that isn't evil or eldery AND she impacts the plot.

Dahlia is my favorite and I love her.

Dahlia has her predecessor's anxiety and public speaking problem and I could cry so much cause that's an easter egg only I know and none of you will appreciate. So there.

Golden and silver age references as opposed to the Renaissance. Chef's kiss. There's a lot of Disney out there. Seeing even the Xerox era get respect was wonderful. Renaissance? Take a backseat, please. You already get favoritism as it is. You get so much merch so seeing a few extra things just for us fans? Yeah. Yeah it feels nice to be appreciated JUST ONCE cause we never will be EVER AGAIN after this.

If you call Asha adorkable for saying her face hurts/feels like it's stuck after working a tour guide job, I'm personally coming for you. As a former tour guide. Cause I have done this after EVERY SINGLE SHIFT. Because you're an asshole. Yes I said it. I'm not adorkable for smiling so hard my muscles went numb. But I am pissed at you for being a prick. And that's what you are. A prick.

This movie suffers from 'the straights are not okay' because they keep shipping Asha with any white man (emphasis on man) they can find, including her grandpa in Star form because he looked like Jack Frost in a earlier phase. Dude it was her grandpa and no I don't want your fanart even though "BUT IT LOOKED PRETTY!" But I know the only reason he has icy blond locks is because it's her grandpa AND IT EVEN HAS SIMILAR FACIAL FEATURES TO ASHA. GROSS MY DUDE. Yeah sorry if you feel personally attacked but no, this really wigs me out. Sorry if that upsets you but I KNOW THIS AND I HAVE THE ART BOOK. Says ASHA'S GRANDPA, SABINO, before we decided he should be alive and impact the plot himself! And... YEAH. Yeah, there.

You could literally ship her all cute with ANY of her friends but you go for the old white men in her life, kinda weird but OKAY THEN!

The movie needed ten or twenty more minutes more so I could chill with The Seven or Amaya. I just wanted more. That's me though.

Bazeema. Bazeema could hide bodies. Let her.

Harvey Guillen voicing Gabo is proof that Disney knows we gay coded Grumpy and they're in silent agreement but won't do much right now other than giggle with us so... thank you, Wish, for being immature with the fandom right now. The Snow White fandom thanks you.

Music was great. No subpar show stoppers that make me go THANKS FOR THE FIVE MINUTE WAIT TO RESTATE EVERYTHING I ALREADY KNOW ELSA.

The music fits together nicely. It's a soundtrack I can listen to without skipping anything because my brain isn't thrown out of whack. Everything segues nicely. I don't hate anything. I like it all.

For example, I feel this way about the Coco soundtrack. While I dislike the contemporary version of Remember Me, I can leave on the entire soundtrack and do anything. There's nothing bad about it. It's great. I sing along or I just vibe during instrumental pieces. I can do this for Snow White, Pinocchio, and Mary Poppins. I cannot do this for many other soundtracks. CONSIDER THIS A VERY HIGH HONOR FROM ME.

No, people just went in with shitty mindsets before reviewing and I'm actually looking for a good negative review because I'd probably agree with them cause different strokes for different folks. Cause no seriously someone said Cruella had more depth than Magnifico. And I love Cruella but... friendo. She's not that deep, she really isn't. I wanna sit that person down and just ask them how deep "old friend from college envies your dog's sparkly coat and steals them cause fashion". She's not that deep, truly. Glenn Close did spectacular but SHE'S ABOUT AS DEEP AS A PUDDLE. And if you mean that Emma Stone movie, no you don't. That movie doesn't exist. Cruella doesn't have some life long grudge against dalmatians because that's stupid and why would you ever write something as stupid as that? Because you wouldn't and it was a collective bad dream we all had. tl;dr I really enjoyed Wish and it makes me realize how much bad writing exists not just in animation but in Hollywood in general and maybe we stop finding some of these things acceptable from now on.

[bastardrobocop]

not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.